Navigating Difficult Decisions: Eckhart Tolle's Advice on Ending a Relationship

In our spiritual journey, we might find ourselves changing or ending a lot of our relationships, especially romantic ones. Eckhart shares his guidance on how to approach the decision of leaving a relationship and how to listen to your inner guidance and deal with the inner turmoil.
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[@stephencardile5770]

I’m so grateful to get to read all of the sweet and uplifting comments. It’s scary and vulnerable to see your self out there exposed publicly as I am in this video. I appreciate all of the love and being part of this community. I’m sending my love back to each and everyone of you.

[@jodyhill5624]

Vulnerability is a sign of strength To me it comes with pure intentions thank you for sharing your story

[@Will2WOW_CrystalHealer]

I’m in the exact same boat. Riding the wave 🌊

[@marinabolisacova5607]

You are such a beautiful soul! Love and light to you on your journey ❤❤

[@cmsbeth]

Thank you for being vulnerable and asking the question. I have seen the 2 houses phenomenon occur. It is common in the upper echelon. I have never seen the two people reconnect as a traditional one home couple.

[@mimir.569]

Thank you for being brave ! Same here. Take care !

[@MerlinSingh]

The man posing the question is very brave. Articulate and brave.

[@stephencardile5770]

Thank you Merlin I appreciate that comment

[@leslie.dixon.]

Agreed! ❤

[@lisettevandervalk6679]

@@stephencardile5770 Absolutely… same process

[@clubgel]

He's a codependent

[@mybeautifuljourney7540]

@@clubgel he might be but that doesn’t take away from him being brave and articulate. He is fully aware!

[@db-333]

You will know when it’s over , it’s a very quiet I’m done . No fear , no resentment, sadness just I’m done . Feels like nothingness .

[@rachelsaez3718]

Yes

[@Princess_kate333]

This is so true, i felt that with my job

[@imogene413]

Soooo true, after 25 years of marriage, I looked at my husband and said the exact same thing. I don't want to do this anymore and I didnt.

[@stelatoneva7826]

But is it really like this? I mean I am in a relationship where I am growing spiritually and mentally and often I feel like I am misunderstood. I am trying to help him, because he has a lot of stuff in his head, but he is not listening and he doesn’t even talk to me about it. He only sees his point of view and how HE always feels. Like I have a lot of feelings too and he doesn’t seems to notice how I really feel. I am thinking about a separation but I still think there is something more. And I really don’t know how to proceed or what to do.

[@rachelsaez3718]

@@stelatoneva7826 Do yourself a huge favor RUN save yourself. 27 years trying to someone else I ended up with pain lost and omg it’s not worth it.

[@danitori3452]

When you become enlightened one of two things occurs: either you come closer to the person in love or you separate, in love -the power of now

[@aramadil]

Thinking this way is better: Either you deal with it and grow and live in two different dimensions since you are "enlightened person" and you have higher standards of knowledge, or you become her/his teacher to bring him/her up with yourself. You can definitely do that, if one is enlightened there are more than enough energy that flows from Solar Plexus to make impact on your surroundings!

[@sahamal_savu]

Or you suddenly realize that it wasn't love at all, it was simply egoic attachment and emotional clinging. Honesty only hurts if you're living an illusion.

[@danitori3452]

@@sahamal_savu I’ve had that before. I think that I loved all of my exes but not in a deep kind of way like I’ve loved some people in my life. I’ve only experienced true unconditional love twice but many other kinds of love with different people and then there has been infatuation and admiration as well.

[@danitori3452]

@@aramadil namaste

[@geraldinelogan4074]

@@aramadil have question for you not judgement…wanting perspective if person stays that’s growing and that person to be teacher or help the other person growth can be draining spiritually and emotionally should one still stay. ??Just let them be a training tool. Wouldn’t that sometimes do more harm than good for both yet more so for person proactive in personal development?? Am I making question clear??

[@saralowe5306]

His question should be how do I move on? Because that is what he is struggling most with, he knows it's over but can't let go.

[@joshuabragg6656]

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” - Zen Kōan

[@ainemcgowan9622]

I only knew those words from Van Morrisons song Enlightenment....now I'm a little more enlightened...

[@joshuabragg6656]

How awesome, I didn’t know of that song but now I do.. thanks Annie

[@Johndoe-yr3ne]

Can someone elaborare on the meaning of this quote?

[@juliemathis4851]

To me, it means there is no escape. (But please know that I have no background in Zen or any other sort of Buddhist approach. I'm just sharing my own idiosyncratic take on a phrase that I like a lot.) Enlightenment/attunement helps one chop wood and carry water. It doesn't deliver one from it. There are the physical and sensuous delights of wood and water and exertion, but resistance and inertia numb us to those delights, much as in a relationship. So ya gotta make your peace with the fact that life is work. That acceptance paves the way for presence and enjoyment of even the uncelebrated mundanities of life and of relationship.

[@juliemathis4851]

Not to mention the hellacious hurts and frustrations that, at least in my experience, come along with relationship.

[@bm3211]

Seeing the pain and hurt on him is heartbeaking but seeing someone care so much about someone is so sweet and doesn't happen a lot thede days. I hope he finds peace and happiness because he surely deserves it.

[@jjm2948]

Me too, but he’ll get walked all over and not appreciated most likely. It’s how it goes these days

[@robynalvin2849]

Yes, people are ready to move on when the closeness is gone. When emotional closeness and being on the same level is not aligned people are ready to bail. What about commitment? That is why we take marriage vows. sometimes it feels like people ready to bail when it is no longer beneficial to them.

[@realmaureenoyakhilome]

@@jjm2948 we have to do things for ourselves so the one for us will come. That’s why we don’t change and give up. It’s like a game, when you lose you keep playing.

[@Francauk-kn2oi]

The questioner is so brave. Emotionally intelligent, articulate and vulnerable. He'll find his way. It will probably be painful, but he'll get to where he needs to be 🙏

[@stephencardile5770]

Thank you Franca that is very sweet to hear

[@alexandraherzogpsychothera3580]

I’ll date you ;) I find kundalini yoga good for shifting through levels of being

[@PCosta-zl8pr]

@@stephencardile5770 I agree. You're so brave ! I relate to what you've said: to become detached or not in par with the people around you ( not connected) but at the same time being more connected to every living or non-living thing in your environment. This makes you feel so special in a kind of way as if you've been chosen to see through it all but at the same time you feel the loneliest person on the planet.

[@peeweelickdoughal639]

No more walking on eggshells This guy has GROWN out of these relationships. Walking on eggshells is a sign to walk away. Good job walking away

[@Ffar2578]

It feels like there is a lot of pain in the person who asks this question. May God give him the peace, strength and clarity that he is seeking.

[@dwlsn93]

And comfort of knowing he is truly loved by his Creator - a love truer & deeper than any other.

[@faragraf9380]

this pain of him will be felt by others, his partner too. So who wants stay near such pain and need? good to have two houses 😊

[@PhoenixFeathers]

When you reach that non-reactive point in the relationship… such a relief and you then know you have evolved and can look back at the relationship with kindness

[@LaciRae]

You have learned what You needed to learn/the lesson. You can then move on in peace & of sound mind.

[@Nelisalara]

💪🏼❤️

[@sorhanft]

Like when your partner stabs you and all you do is smile and wave…. Logic doesn’t add up

[@rosyloveslearning3013]

Thank you. ❤

[@kingkrisanne]

“Seeking makes human heart blind” don’t seek for reasons to stay or reasons to go. If we only seek we won’t find. Be open and trust cause what is meant to come to you will come right through you.

[@finnpetcher9275]

Danit - have a listen 😉❤

[@dailyambientandsoothingmus687]

@@finnpetcher9275 same 😅😅

[@mariabeckwith3336]

Just be joyful and kind. It will fall into place.

[@adilsayeedofficial]

needed this today. thank you :)

[@Eflodur]

Wise words are these yours or did you read/heard it somewhere?

[@BulentBasaran]

Before enlightenment: we are in relationships. After enlightenment, we continue to be in relationships. The difference is that we hurt less and we live and let live more. As Eckhart hints at so gently, we stop seeing the other as less than or more than. We realize that at the deepest level of our being, we are one.

[@laurieacks8553]

Brilliant!! Love that. Thank you so much. 🎉

[@sweets4mimi]

you can't make anyone change. Only your response and your perspective can. The people that we interact with reflect back to us the lessons we need to learn. Kinda like a mirror.

[@jvb654]

Yes. But without shared, accepted, and respected communication, there isn't a relationship greater than that of a stranger's. It seems there should be more to relationships than meaningless exchanges.

[@kookietravels4512]

@@jvb654 exactly. I have learnt. I have learnt so much now that I know for sure that I don't want to continue this dance of mutual blaming each other for ones misery. I am taking responsibility back for myself and myself only, I don't make myself responsible for him anymore. And that for me means that I have to leave, because I don't see him wanting to change his dancing any time soon

[@Dr.Jekyll_]

that's exactly it.

[@juliancav8933]

yes. and only the ego self, seeks to "fix" the other person to "make them see where I am coming from" The misinterpretation is that it is actually the ego that is battling the others "lack of understanding". The part in us that feels it has to explain itself continuously, if the other will just hear me... that is the ego wanting things to be the way it wants - the other needs to meet the ego where it is at ....how it feels comfortable - IS all ego. That is what needs' to be surrendered. Then we can clearly see and feel relief when we realise, people are not on the same trajectory. They are not wrong - they are just living their life according to their own program And we cant change it to fit ours ...once we realise - we can feel and see with clarity that we are in error perception with "ourself" - and we can drop "The Program" that CONTROLS US - and we are FREE. For more on heart space connections ... Julianne

[@janetscully3337]

I no longer believe this to be entirely true. It's more complicated.

[@Leelz247]

Don't force someone to stick around just to be your training ground if that's all you see them as. Let them go to find someone who actually appreciates them. Your spiritual journey is your responsibility, not hers.

[@simpletruths5322]

I think that beautiful man answered his own question. My own philosophy on life is, if we are asking a question we already know the answer. For if you are ok The question wouldn’t arise.

[@bliss_555]

Wow. Well you (or rather I) answered my question then. Thank you.

[@nm3547]

My brother used to tell me this. 💕

[@fo3828]

I couldn’t be myself with him, he laughed at what I was into, he pushed my buttons and I knew I needed to work more in myself but also knew he couldn’t be with me in this journey. Hope he will find happiness one day.

[@bethwheland9942]

There does come a time to lovingly say goodbye to the intensity at least of a particular relationship. We don't have to feel obligated to be under the same roof with anyone. We came into this world solo. And we leave solo. And along the way, we live and we love.

[@bunzlbear]

When we come into the world I dont believe we are alone. We are with our mothers.

[@Dzanarika1]

@@bunzlbear you did not get it at all 😂😂😂😂😂

[@bunzlbear]

@@Dzanarika1 are you an expert ?

[@sherriegarcia8373]

I thought that was a nice new perspective I never had before.We do leave alone….maybe haven’t heard anyone report different lol

[@jrsf222]

Let it go and if meant to be..it will return. Love yourself first before someone else can love you. I’m old…I’ve had to leave behind those that complicate my life and I can no longer help them.

[@Dynamicawareness]

Thank you ❤

[@positivity20]

How do we love ourself? By doing what we like? By appreciating gifts given to us in form of body and mind? Still it is not loving oneself..love is supposed to be given..if we can love ourselves why do we need others? Is loving oneself not selfish? One can be contend self satisfied etc..and grateful to all..but what does it mean to love oneself..🤔

[@SabrinaDacosta]

To love oneself you first have to know yourself well enough to know your good and bad traits. Knowing that you are perfectly imperfect and being ok with that. Accepting yourself just as you are warts and all. Your self worth and self love is not dictated or “fed” by external sources.

[@positivity20]

@@SabrinaDacosta thanks ..but what you have stated looks more like acceptance and contentment and self satisfaction...is that all self love about?

[@juliaorpheus]

@@positivity20 I've been asking myself the same questions for my whole life. I've found self love is a lot of things... to name a few 1) approaching your inner critic with curiosity instead of anxiety 2) taking excellent care of your body through eating healthy foods, going to the doctor, taking whatever supplements 3) approaching myself with compassion instead of disdain when I am unable to meet my expectations of what I'm "supposed to" do or be 4) self acceptance, you can do this and still strive to do better 5) recognizing that anxiety/depression can't be cured with negative self talk, only with cutting myself the same compassion I would show someone else in the same situation 6) always having my own back, never shaming myself for mistakes 7) finding validation from within and understanding that a lot of people won't like me or what I have to offer, but a lot of other people will 8) understanding that my worth is inherent and unchangeable and absolutely not dependent on acts of service or approval from others (although I naturally am a giving person anyway my worth isn't dependent on it nor are my accomplishments). Really, it's cliche, but it all boils down to treating yourself with the same respect and love that you would another person. When you love yourself you actually are a lot less self-absorbed bc you're not always obsessing over what people think of you or if you're "good enough" you can just live and be you.

[@SheerMagnetismDarling007]

You need to accept people for who they are. Set an example , but you should not push them to become ‘more spiritual’

[@wheres_wolfie]

This is so wrong, and honestly a sign of spiritual immaturity. Ironic for someone to be the more awakened one in the relationship.

[@Monica_29]

Accept them for who they are, but you do not need to agree with what they believe. The person and what they believe are 2 separate things. It is wise to only enter into a deeper relationship with those who have the same worldview or spiritual outlook as yourself. As a born-again follower of Jesus, I need my spouse to know the same Lord and Savior as I do. There's a mutual understanding of grace, mercy, holiness, forgiveness, love, and humility. How could we possibly raise a family in unity or settle arguments or make big decisions together without the common authority, leadership, and kingship of Christ in both our lives? I believe I would be really tough. But I wouldn't place that condition on a relationship for marriage. They need to come to that decision themselves without me in the way. Until then, we shall remain friends, and I shall love, advise, and encourage them as such, within those boundaries.

[@TheCherrytree123]

Totally agree. Spiritual path is lonely path. And one need to fulfil own needs & emotional separated from others in some degree. creating deeper relationships sounds like codependency. Most case one just need to have higher Eq in order to related others well.

[@SheerMagnetismDarling007]

@@TheCherrytree123 very nice 👍

[@markartist8646]

It's better to recognize that you are not special because you have a unique spiritual perspective. That is actually the problem here. Enlightenment gurus and communities foster a type of spiritual ego that gets in your way. Sorry, but I learned this the hard way. Tolle doesn't have good answers, only spiritual answers to everything. Psychology has way more spiritual wisdom as it applies to relationships. There are many enlightened therapists out there with enlightened therapeutic models.

[@adria1018]

My heart goes out to this man. It’s apparent he loves his wife.

[@roanevans-ehricht1232]

Nah he is so wiped he doesn’t love her she owns him

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@roanevans-ehricht1232 it’s complicated and I really do appreciate your very direct, clear thinking answer. Now I need insert an edit- you said wiped- a good phrase-my brain read this as ass-whipped, please accept my replaced term ass - whipped and save me a lot of thumb typing! I have written from the heart and I hope that by connecting our responses it will help someone out there. It’s certainly helping me by writing and there’s still, years later ongoing big fall out challenges. Some people can be kind of trained without knowing, from an early age to take care of and accommodate others and work super hard to achieve and provide. It can leave a strong person vulnerable to subtle manipulation that they don’t see. This time it’s the man, but that is the way sometimes and by society standards he is ‘doing all the right things’ “ Ass - whippers” can be super manipulators, like the kind, quiet sweet stay at home dad… I think therapy is helpful to find a way forward. However not all therapists will spot subtle “ ass- whipping” and what it is about us that we keep trying to make this work. I was ass whipped by a street angel for years and totally blamed by a therapist. Could have done with your straight talking as I poured over the pages of The Power of Now! My training ground- was my family- one of my many survivor jokes- Not the Waltons- if you’re old enough to remember that TV family. I like this guy got stuck in to making things work, I’m kind, capable and feisty, never did I ever think I was “ the doormat” - the female for ass whipped. The man was so subtle and covert and knew exactly what he was doing… I’ve kids, so that means there is still contact etc, lots. Good luck. # Reality and Compassion.

[@charmee4045]

@@roanevans-ehricht1232 I am sure she is 20 years younger, thats the ones they love the most. The one they left their long suffering wife for, this is karma. There may be lots of regret tied up with him as well.

[@astonesthrow]

You're imagining that you know what's going on in anyone else's experience.

[@astonesthrow]

​@@charmee4045 he's been married 25 years he said

[@KRAZEEIZATION]

There are times when we all go through this “process”. The best thing is not to try and just let things be. The reason you are down to just yourself is because you’ve outgrown all the other people. To tolerate or continue being with those you cannot relate to is soul destroying. Strength comes from walking away and letting go.

[@linw7320]

Not relating to someone seems minor in comparison to soul destroying ❤ If you have made a commitment or/and children are involved it is more likely that the partner w/out a spiritual foundation would have less ability to sacrifice, tolerate or accept circumstances simply as they are and more likely be the one having to leave.

[@markartist8646]

It's better to recognize that you are not special because you have a unique spiritual perspective. That is actually the problem here. Enlightenment gurus and communities foster a type of spiritual ego that gets in you way. Sorry, but I learned this the hard way. Tolle doesn't have good answers, only spiritual answers. Psychology has way more spiritual wisdom as it applies to relationships. Peace!

[@carly582]

When you've got a child with them it's a bit different

[@gojiberry7201]

I like this guy, and I relate to him a lot. I'm not married, but I don't relate to my family even though we were close in the past (a toxic closeness), and I grew away from my former friends. Now I actually have no friends. I wish I could give this guy a hug because this process can be painful. I really appreciate that people can be themselves and vulnerable with Eckhart.

[@ArianaLang.]

Usually the best answer comes not through the decision making process of the mind trying to figure out “what’s the best thing to do?” The best answer comes as a sudden realization “this is the thing to do,” either you leave or you stay.

[@jp-gy3vh]

Thank you. Your decision will come from the soul no matter how much energy your mind puts into it.

[@katied1325]

Once she has triggered you on most levels you will likely seperate because then her job is done and you will feel the impulse to be with someone who is walking a similar path. 🧡 someone you can actually open and merge with.

[@illyeen2320]

He already knows what to do...the interaction will become so intolerable and useless that distance will naturally occur...continue with the positive energy around you and follow it.

[@missn111]

This is good, the man who asks the question is very eloquent and emotionally intelligent. I hope he has found peace, wisdom and freedom since this event.

[@dorinchirila4322]

When you become enlightened, you are no longer affected by anyone. You just understand the relationship and why you are there.

[@lesliemontagne6797]

I very much agree. I understand WHY I am in a marriage that seemingly doesn’t work. But if one only thinks in ways of traditional marriage demands, you rob yourself of further growth and learning from each other.

[@frijolmistico]

I feel so deeply for this man. I’ve just walked away from a relationship of almost a year and a half - not super long - and it’s so hard. The hardest part is this frustration with myself, because I knew when I was in it I was so absolutely done! If I stayed, I’d lose respect for myself because I’d be accepting a situation that doesn’t come close to meeting my needs, so, logically, I know this was right.. but unfortunately the sadness is inevitable, I miss having this person that used to hold my hand through the city.. that’s the frustrating part: knowing this is what’s best for me, but still missing this person who unintentionally caused me so much suffering. I know that in a little while I’ll start accepting, I’m already getting there, but it’s sad to look back and know that I allowed myself to believe love was enough. Love isn’t always enough guys. Life is both so short and so long, it’s better to be alone and in peace (giving all that love to yourself and friends) than to settle for a situation that ultimately has you stressing and grieving the majority of the time.

[@SylviaSantiago-qz9oo]

Hi my name is sylvia you comment resonated with me yes love is not enough. My problem is I don’t want to hurt the other person … ugh

[@frijolmistico]

@@SylviaSantiago-qz9oo you do more harm than good by not living your truth, just try your best to be respectful and gentle in your approach, but honour yourself. No good will come of staying in a situation that’s already served it’s purpose (in this case, maybe a hard lesson), it will hurt for anyone envolved but eventually you will heal, and it’s up to the other person to heal themselves. You need to do what’s best for you! * I just want to add that, I no longer miss this person beyond occasionally missing our friendship prior to the serious relationship, and I’ve seen them since and felt nothing which was very freeing - it was the right move! And so yeah, choose yourself always!

[@zane0292]

I would like to say something in regards to the man asking the question. It is clear there is still a strong reactive ego that is present within him. It is true that some friends may be lost during the process of spiritual growth, but what I’ve found is when you get to a place of true presence or un-reactiveness you actually attract people towards you. Since Eckhart won’t say it, I will. The man has made incredible progress no doubt, but there’s still much much work to be done my friend, I can sense it very clearly. My advice: keep going, go deeper, let go of your urge to explain yourself, be totally present, reach new heights and watch what happens.

[@deirdremorris9234]

So good of you to say that. I felt sad for him. He seems like such a giver.

[@rebeccatrono3376]

I agree...he mentions trying to "make" his partner "do" some spiritual things. That's the ego and lack of true love and acceptance for his partner.

[@Casper-jx1zd]

He seems nice but weak in that he over explains himself and over shares

[@badpoetry33]

The point of getting up and sharing your story is to be vulnerable, share where you are, and get help. Not to be perfect, or where you deem “ok.” His voice is shaking, he is clearly in a lot of pain. If the mike was open only to those who were fully healed and ascended, it would be empty.

[@zane0292]

@@badpoetry33 i agree that the point is to be vulnerable and not perfect. Being vulnerable opens you up to feedback, why are you against this? It's good to receive feedback, you should not be avoiding it or be offended by it. That's the whole point.

[@susanlawton5848]

I could listen to Eckhart Tolle all day. He is so interesting. I think the man was incredible standing in front of a crowd discussing his personal life.

[@life.is.colour5387]

Perfect advice as usual. It's easy to forget these people close to us are our teachers too. We are so blessed to live in this age with Eckhart ❤️ A reminder to me that I still have much work to do. Very exciting times ❤️ blessings to all on this beautiful journey 🙏

[@ernestbuckley8671]

We are mirrors to each other. The faults we find in others is a reflection of our own. If communication is off, we must communicate better. If affection and/or intimacy is off, we must be more affectionate/intimate. The ego wants to blame the other but we’re all one. We must become the change we seek in the world.

[@sabrinagaga518]

Beautiful and inspiring. Thank you.

[@janw952]

Not necessarily. Some partners are incapable and unwilling and emotionally abuse. Invalidation

[@ernestbuckley8671]

@@janw952 agree, thats when you have to know when to walk away.

[@liz8913]

Yes, I’ve heard that before. What do you do if your spouse is an alcoholic? I keep asking myself what I did to cause this? I know I didn’t actually cause his alcoholism but what did I do to bring this karma to me?

[@ernestbuckley8671]

@@liz8913 what is your husbands disease asking from you? Start there

[@eyesforlies]

When I listen to this man try to discern if this is his ego or discernment, I offer this thought: Are you able to be your authentic self in your relationship? Are you respected for just being you? Or are you trying to change to please someone else? When you find the core of your being, you know what your soul needs and you honor it. It's not about judgement. It's accepting your needs without burden to others. And realizing when others burden us with their needs, its about their burdens and their lack of willingness, or awareness to fulfill them themselves. It's not about us and sometimes as sad as it is, as painful as it is--to accept this brings peace. I can attest to this personally. It may mean you change your approach towards someone so you suffer less--because you realize this ultimately isn't about you, but it doesn't mean the door has to stay closed. You can always offer love and support that respects you being you. I hope this helps. We can't change other people, but we can change ourselves.

[@galga637]

Thank you 🙏

[@breklyn]

Thank you 🙏🏾

[@zim4750]

thank you

[@eyesforlies]

I'm happy if this helped someone. You're welcome 🙏

[@msjoannaornelas]

This! Thank you 🙏🏼

[@LisaNC832]

I can 100% relate to this. I have a relationship like that with my current roommate. It's been almost 4 years and we've been through some really hard times and several times I wanted to have him move out. We've also had several arguments and discussions where i left feeling angry and frustrated. But what's interesting is when I made the decision to not let this affect me emotionally, to learn from the experience instead, ..and to understand why i reacted how i did, everything started to change. I'm not saying we get along great now but there is an acceptance and sense of peace that wasnt there before. Now I understand myself a lot better and things do not bother me like they used to. He also seems to be more willing to help and calmer.

[@scottbartel8163]

Congratulations!

[@bold-women]

Lisa, I am also in a similar place. My husband moved out, but we continue to be in touch living separately, like the speaker. Perhaps redefining what "relationship" looks like is called for. Also, staying aware and open to the practice the relationship presents. Thank you for your comment. I believe this experience is more common than not.

[@LisaNC832]

@@scottbartel8163 Thank you so much ❤️ I feel like a weight has been lifted.

[@LisaNC832]

@@bold-women I find it interesting how a most of the moments in our lives are purposely there for a spiritual reason..... especially the ones that we feel strongest about....they are the ones that teach us the most. I wish all the best to you in your husband ❤️❤️

[@anavigil7603]

@@bold-women I'm seeing a lot of marriage/partner fatigue around me after 35 years of my own marriage. Interesting what is mirrored to us throughout life. Many of the female friends or relatives in my world want their own place and to date/visit about once a week, not necessarily end the relationship.

[@angelspawn7734]

I can feel this mans pain, im in a similar situation and struggle with similar things. Currently working through them.

[@CatWoman6]

Have you stayed or left? I'm leaving after much deliberation.

[@tepelstreeltje27]

I just went to the comments to share my love for this man. He seems like a really wonderfull person.

[@basquait2704]

Who the F wants to stay in a relationship they don't feel appreciated or respected in. Facts

[@HowFarCanYouSee]

Silence is the key 🗝️

[@katyalexandria3291]

Yes

[@estherfortoday2366]

Explain how silence can heal the desire of this man’s heart to heal, to have connection, grow to know a higher level of consciousness in a loving relationship? I don’t understand?

[@mariasartzis-Sartzis-PELLICIER]

2.5 years after leaving covert malignant husband, I NEEDED to hear this especially today that I've spent crying on and off all day. The man in the audience probably does not yet know his wife is narcissistic and she will NEVER change.

[@laurenbatson5918]

I'm so sorry you spent all day crying (or had a reason to cry so much). I think I feel your pain. It sucks I also picked up on the possibility that his wife is at least toxic. When he said that it wasn't worth it to even ask for something to be rephrased, I thought "oh no, that's not good!"

[@mariasartzis-Sartzis-PELLICIER]

@@laurenbatson5918 Thank you for your empathic kindness Lauren. You are right, about the man in the audience. I seemed to me that he was "crying" out for help. Asking for a suggestion or suggestions on what to do. He did not get anything like that from the man on stage. It seemed to me, the man on the stage threw some mumble jumble like words/sentences towards that man in the audience, and the man on the stage didn't get it, at all.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@laurenbatson5918 I thought, perhaps they’re poorly matched and are having problems letting go of one another. Attachment styles are generally subconscious and deeply influenced by our early relationships. The very positive piece I heard is that financially it’s possible to be apart and that makes a lot of life safe and with choices. The inner work, is necessary and it’s important not to oversimplify it. It goes beyond the surrender to the now, that’s a vital piece of connecting to one- self at a deep source, soul level. From here we can work, on ourselves only. Also I too hear Maria’s pain and I see these as tears of grief, it’s a huge loss, a bereavement when one goes through what Maria did, I know…. Stephen I hope you get to see this post too. I think a journey into making a big life decision may benefit from working with a good therapist, now how to find one… I would think trauma informed therapists (ideally all therapist are) is s place to get to reflect on the big question you have here. Namaste 🙏

[@nm3547]

@@laurenbatson5918 I also caught that. It's hard when 2 people physically can't communicate, like due to a disability, but it seems he's worked on his communication and is being clear, and non harsh about it, so one would think his request would lead to mutual, safe conversation.

[@xenia3143]

Love to see the strength of vulnerability by the person asking the question. It’s what This world needs

[@andreasw.973]

I feel love for the guy and connected with his human emotions and deep desire for a loving harmonic relationship ❤

[@stephencardile5770]

That’s very sweet of you to say Andreas. I appreciate it.

[@ianwickens4376]

Me too.

[@rubin-healmysocialanxiety702]

Much respect to Eckhart, the true answer never comes from the mind trying to figure things out ❤

[@Hottool365]

It seems like that man has emotionally outgrown his wife but still loves her. Eventually, he will grow tired of dealing with the same thing and choose peace of mind. Good luck❤

[@scourneene]

How I'm feeling in my situation, she refuses to separate from narc in laws and putting our marriage first.

[@haikuoflife]

It's natural for couples to grow apart and then grow back together again. ;)

[@CatWoman6]

I have just left my alcoholic partner after 18years - it's taken me years to get strong enough to do so. We have to live together until we can afford seperate roofs but at least I'm this far and now have a chance to create a new life once the weeds are gone.

[@mayamalki8012]

I have been waiting for this kind of video for a very long time i can 100% relate to the question he presents. Two weeks ago my boyfriend broke up with me and it was very hard for me. He's the kind of person that's very ground in the third dimension, unconsciousness, and very controlled by his ego and have a strong pain body . I consider myself as a conscious spiritual soul , we were kinda opposites so I didn't feel that I grew spiritually with him. we had very difficult times when he was manipulative towards me. We had a lot of fights and it was a very difficult and i almost break up with him 3 times but he didnt let me and begged me stay . during this time I tried to understand what the universe was trying to teach and why am i going throughout this hard time with him and if i really should break up .there was a point where i couldnt suffer anymore so i start being more present and didnt let my ego react to his manipulative ego , thats when the hard time ended and it started a good period of time in our relationship. I fell in love with him (even though i didnt really felt spiritual around him ) and I thought that we were both in love until I found out that he has lost his feelings. It was very difficult for me to realize that after all we came thourght. Now, after looking back I understand everything and know that the universe tried to teach me a lesson in presence. And that the reason we didn't break up when times were hard was because i hadn't learned the lesson - the practice in the presence momemt and letting go of the ego Thats execlly what Eckhart talked about, that sometimes a person really came into your life to teach you some lessons. He broke up with me really after i learned the lesson. On a spiritul level - This is probably what made him leave, because when there were no ego dramas that drew energy from a relationship -. I fell in love, and I grow from it and learned the lesson in when he lost his "feelings" - lost the reaction of my ego. That's why we broke up, his role ended with my decline

[@Aucklandinsummer]

You must like goblin stories🎉😂😂😂

[@Aucklandinsummer]

Eckhart does not float my boat but pushes my trolley)

[@positivity20]

How do we know if we truly love someone or are just attached?

[@FriskyTendervittles]

@@positivity20 reactions. Strong reactions are attachment. Love is just acceptance without judgement

[@Ucayali267]

The reason he lost his feelings was probably the fact that he loves drama. Some people need to live with strong emotions, even brutal and unpleasant. Otherwise, they get bored and lose interest.

[@alicjarysart]

In a partnership, there is a one-sided decision on the part of only one partner to consistently develop inwardly, while the other partners unwilling or unable to let go of old habitual patterns and conditioning, then the gap between their frequencies widens, making harmonies living together increasingly difficult and at some point impossible. In the long run, a constructive partnership for both partners is not possible if one has a low vibration and the other high vibration, because the spiritual purpose of a partnership is to meet at eye level and to support each other in inner development - Christina von Dreien

[@daodejing81]

When I was caring for my father before he passed away, my mother was that provoking agent. Indeed, my exiguous room was my haven of peace, a place where I could recenter. My father passed away in 2016. I happily engaged with my mother until the end of 2021, then made a conscious decision to withdraw my presence. She engaged in her drama via text, and I was silent. I wanted a year to elapse to give her space to introspect, self-evaluate. She did inquire as to what the problem was. A year hence, I texted succinctly and clearly, that my withdrawal was on account of her behavior: favoritism, denigrations, negativity, lack of receptivity, to be general, but I did give her specifics. The hardest to do with one's parent, and even harder with one's child. Bottom line, always follow your inner guidance. With humility and compassion, all things are possible. She was not at that point. Sometimes, the greatest love is to disconnect. Each soul eventually awakens, Thanks to the serendipitous play of life.

[@gojiberry7201]

I am provoked by both of my parents ... although I distanced myself, I still have unresolved feelings. I realized that I have an emotional/energetic codependency. Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it

[@daodejing81]

@GojiBerry That codependency is a normal phase because of the emotional and psychological attachment. You will eventually transcend it as you draw from within yourself. The true parent, the true guide, is within you. Our crucibles are our spiritual practice. Be thankful for them.

[@daodejing81]

@GojiBerry I love your pseudonym. I personally enjoy doing things that cause me to introspect, like meditating on poems in the Dào, journaling my experiences, anything that brings me to the seat of wisdom within me. Spend time in silence, and let the ineffable speak to you. A pamphlet I picked up in 1990 or so said something that I shall never forget: Don't take on another's burdens. Wish them well and go on your way. You thanked me for my comment, but I thank you for yours. You have courage and humility (I noticed how you took responsibility for yourself.) As for me, the dynamic between my mother and me was perpetuated for so long because of my unawareness and my attachment. I kept thinking that it was my filial duty and I felt guilty to do otherwise. I am now aware, having intimately interacted with her since my return from Florida. I have seen and heard much. I no longer have to wonder. The picture is clear. I no longer am anguished emotionally. I have done all I can. I am at peace, no emotional turmoil. Each person is on a journey of inner discovery, and that includes one's parents. The space is often the teacher. Do what you need to do for yourself, and life will take care of everything else. As Jesus said, do not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Blessings to you, my beloved KZbin friend!

[@JB_iAm]

I think this is hands down one of the most humorous Eckart clips I've seen

[@Aucklandinsummer]

The mind boggles.

[@yourcalmplace]

- I just want to let anyone who’s reading this comment know. I wish you great success, health, love and happiness! ✨

[@Snuitertje1970]

Same for you ❤

[@anenjoyablehuman]

my entire life changed after a new earth. there is no going back to unconsciousness. thank you. in deepest gratitude

[@matthewbacque1622]

He knows the answer. Just needs help facing it. God speed. 🙏🏻

[@TheMediumChannel]

If we can understand through presence that we are not our thoughts, we have thoughts...we are not our emotions we have emotions than our thoughts and emotions can become tools for understanding energy and navigating life because in presence there is no programmed judgment, only what IS and from there you'll always make the right decisions because you've transcended the personal mind or ego and are receiving guidance from universal mind, your higher self or Source.

[@alelevate1545]

Eckhart is such a beautiful being and it totally shows in the light of wisdom coming out through his words 🙏🏽 I pray the person with the question will be able to find his own answer of relief. I like the fact that he calls your partner “teacher” or your master that can definitively help as a reminder when dealing with issues during tough times! That means. According to this I recently quit on my teacher “ex” as I felt the classes were on repeat and it was my time to graduate! The last class taught me that selfishness and inconsiderations can also be infinite during our life times! I’m happy celebrating 🥳 graduation and I pray 🙏🏽 she’ll find her own path to eternal joy and infinite happiness

[@titiatoner4027]

Just so you know; it's different when you got trapped in an abusive relationship. I used to think that this had to do with emotional attachment (sometimes that's the case). Now I know that the reason why you stay is the same as why you want to leave; it can be very dangerous! Many women get killed after they finally dared to leave. Also; the system doesn't protect the innocent (especially children) enough for someone to be able to leave, because the abusive parent that has more money often ends up getting the kids. Even 50/50 is a disaster for the kids involved, and then the fear that the abusive person will harm the kids when you're not there... Anyway; that where my reasons for staying. I almost died, but am now coming back alive. I really feel there is hardly any awareness on this topic.

[@alelevate1545]

@@titiatoner4027 The teaching of Eckhart has been tremendously helpful once full understanding of our true selves is established! I’m truly sorry that you had to go through that much emotional and physical experiences in life. Having to make that choice knowing how difficult and hard it could get on the road ahead is the most courageous and most honourable especially when you’re risking it all for the sake of your own angels 👼 that’s the beauty of true sacrifice 🙏🏽 you can light up heavens with this light of sacrifice if you let patience operate and guide you through it all….. conditioned societies normally aren’t great at creating justice outta injustice. “ stay strong 💪 through it all” best of luck to you 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@brianlittrell797]

@@alelevate1545 You graduate when you no longer feel any negative emotion arising in reaction to ANY person being selfish or inconsiderate. This is quite a challenge. I can't honestly say I've graduated yet. All people are our teachers whether they trigger us negatively or positively.

[@alelevate1545]

@@brianlittrell797 Totally agreed, that we actually graduate a class when you don’t have any negative emotions or resentful feelings! As long as it’s no longer registered and saved as date for our own egos to utilize in time of war as they’d always fall for those traps.BTW I was referring to that particular class during which I might have left the class of patience when the time wasn’t even UP! It can easily be a bigger challenge when we don’t make the right changes to move on freshly to the next class/phase. As the joinery of the classes of life continues with every interaction,experience,thought,intention, and definitely each single breathe of life. The actual graduation when it’s all revealed hopefully 🙏🏽 in this one, otherwise will have to wait for the next one to actually see with all certainty and clarity as all veils have unveiled 🙏🏽

[@Aucklandinsummer]

You cant be serious unless you are a goblin too. 😆

[@jomembawang]

Damn....I can't imagine asking a question like that in front of so many people. That was a very good story/question that I'm sure many people (including me) can relate to.

[@JohnvanderGeest558]

Yeah, my wife is my teacher too, although she doesn't know it ........ I wouldn't have grown so much without her ❣❣❣

[@lyleyla9275]

This guy asking the ques...I feel for him & I hope he's happy! I send him so much Love! Im currently going through the exact experience he's describing! It's incredibly reassuring to know that im not alone!! Im so Grateful this fella spoke!!

[@stephencardile5770]

Thank you so much that was really sweet of you to say

[@jbee4899]

😅 yes I'm experiencing that my unenlightened partner has become my teacher. And I understand this man who es telling is story so well. I also didn't want to throw the towel I also planted myself to all the work that showed up ...

[@antoniatindleydove]

Eckhart I absolutely love you you wise wise man x

[@danerose575]

A relationship dies when growth stops. If there is still active growth on both sides in some area, the relationship has value and is part of evolution. However, it is easier to grow when the pain is below the reactive threshold. So too much pain stops growth, just as too much comfort leads to unconsciousness.

[@clankelt]

I can so relate to this man. I feel his pain and I wish him and everyone like him well. Stay strong💪🏻❤️

[@chelofashion7974]

That is a very good question, especially when you love someone & have spent a good portion of your life building the dream life. I was married for 27 years, for me it was the lack of respect, it was consistent over years. Respect is always at the root

[@rmcd823]

Sometimes a narcissism our lives make us grow so accelerated.

[@aramadil]

A complete spiritually mature human being have two wings, one of them is divine power and the other is the perceived reality we are experiencing through our third dimension. One must be mature enough to keep balancing them both and maintain growth on both sides. Enlightened people must have already known that, they must not abandon life; but they need to observe it and act accordingly. Due to spiritual growth you must not neglect or change entirely so that your partner no longer identifies you. Before the divine force started working on your soul, it started to design your beautiful path first, and then guided you to know your true self. This means, this is the universe that sent you this wife, with this name and this attitude and exactly this look, shape and whatsoever. So be mindful what you are doing with the gifts of the universe. A very outstanding answer by Eckhart Tolle that stated she becomes your teacher. Universe is hitting you at your weakest points in order to make you stronger. If you avoid that? How do you really grow? On the other hand, since universe is acting through your wife, partner, or whatever, to guide you to your higher self, how can you not give her the values according to her standards and levels of awareness? You must be able inspire her with your beautiful inner world. In addition, you must always try to hold her hand and take her with you through the spiritual growth and be the teacher back to her. If not, give her a special love. There isn't a more powerful way than love to pull humans into a different dimension. Heart is the center of the universe; so love. Brother, listen, is very powerful energy.

[@zim4750]

i thank you so very deeply for your comment. take care

[@trinityp8575]

But at other times, it’s time to go separate ways. We outgrow people, partners, marriages.

[@aramadil]

Go with the flow "with love"

[@jfrasure06]

This is very interesting, I stayed 18 years and would of still been there. But the other ended it. I was devastated for a bit and was disabled for last 9 years. I had no other plans but to remain faithful. But I wasn't wanted any more. I was well aware of his feelings from get go. But I'm doing well now. I still have some things I'm dealing with but getting more aware of may things. I appreciate all the comments here.

[@youdonthavetoreadthispost.5850]

I have ended toxic relationships and felt great relief afterwards. The finality provides closure for both parties, who can then get on with their lives. A recent fall left me in a somewhat precarious position and compounded already injured body parts into a single damaged zone. Those who, in the past displayed interfering and hostile behavior(2 sons), including double-teaming, have been advised that they are unwelcome in the latter stages of my existence, and in fact have been unwelcome for many years : ) At my age it has become elder abuse, and has had a negative effect on my health and that of my wife, who is on her own journey. Fortunately I have my own building/work shop to spend time in, and a good dog. So, I settled a matter that has gone on for years, once and for all. And it feels Great ! They are simply not equipped and so they are now in their own egoic worlds. 🙏 I will die in better company without them.🙏

[@jabba0975]

Become still and the answer, if you really need one, will present itself. Tolle.

[@veraintuizione6497]

I love so much the way E. Tolle answers to love's trouble matters 🤣❤️🙏💓

[@southernborn1358]

God bless this guys heart-I can hear his pain.

[@myriammorgenstern2163]

It's exactly like that! If I become conscious of my emotions and reactions my partner provides the exact triggers needed for me to do the work left to clean my slate. I love him for that too.

[@Lumi1414]

That’s so lovely. The man, Eckhart and the message of growing by observing your own reactions. It is so helpful to me right now, and I will do just this and then let life carry me wherever I need to be when and if the time comes.

[@lets.7860]

I relate to the connections which doesn’t serve any more and it ends. And the connections to everything. I thank you for your brave heart!💕🕊

[@Wilaone]

Exactly what I came to realization right now. But I did leave the toxic relationship...even though he is a narcissist, I deeply thank him for allowing me to work on my issues

[@Jo-Ellen.]

My experience, was to RESPECT myself enough to say, "Talk to the hand, cause the ears don't hear!" Then you KNOW, it's time to GO! 🙏 Blessings

[@lisadavies4640]

Love the honesty of this question. I feel the same way.

[@ohcrystal]

I'm having the same dilemma and this video pops up unbelievably. TQ 🙏🙏 (But we r staying under one roof 🥴)

[@cyruscherry35]

Same I was just thinking how do I let go without looking like the bad guy..I understand now that my desire to look like the good guy was ego... maybe I've been selfish this entire time

[@ohcrystal]

@@cyruscherry35 that's definitely from ego 🤷🏻‍♀️ As for me, I jz wanna be happy, that simple. I don wanna hurt no one. The suffering/struggle is for real.

[@Browneyedgirl_1978]

Thank you Eckhart, the greatest thing i have learnt from you is how to be in the present moment with my emotion. ❤

[@LMc1177]

This is probably the most enlightened question I have heard concerning this particular situation. I am in the exact same (spiritual and physical) space/experience as this gentleman. It's like a Zen Koan I am running over and over in my heart and mind. From my perspective, and with so many others here and elsewhere reporting a similar circumstance, I'm inclined to believe in this as a deeply valid spiritual path to engage and grow into a more meaningful understanding/love for the self - and other. Revolutionary evolution. I am grateful for this inquiry and teaching.

[@PiggoNZ]

I admire this man's sincerity

[@prat1250]

Thank you so much. I was just starting to look for the scissor to cut that thread. I had thought that nobody could help me understand my dilemma. Thank you Eckhard and that brave gentleman...blessings to both of you!.

[@tarakiusalas9031]

I love Eckhart and his advise.

[@rhythmtoaster321]

we are one energy 😂 beyond fear, we can enjoy this truth. We are unconditional love Energy deep inside 💗

[@kookietravels4512]

I can soooooo relate to this, going through exactly the same right now and even often thought of my partner as a teacher. But I've come to the point now where it's just getting too exhausting, I think I've finally reached the point where there's nothing new to learn here, it's just repetition now and I'm just too exhausted and tired out by it... I need some rest from it, therefore I decided to end the relationship at this point...

[@zim4750]

excuse for asking but are you sure that the motivation to end the relationship comes from a genuine place of peace and love? or maybe an from a egoic part of yourself?

[@kookietravels4512]

@@zim4750 I stayed in this abusive relationship for years out of love for my partner, now I'm ending it out of love for myself. There's only so much suffering I can take. For a long time I stayed thinking that it doesn't matter how hard it is, how much I'm hurting, I should be above this, I should work on my own issues so I don't get triggered any more by him, I should love him no matter what, but I've realised now that THAT was actually my ego, thinking I could be an enlightened person who is above all this egoistic thinking and arguing. I'm not. I'm not anywhere near it. But I can't keep going like this any more, it's draining me of all my life energy. So I am doing it out of love to myself, to save me

[@louiseboyd8896]

@@kookietravels4512 ho Kookie....I am stuck....no family or friends nearby....he keeps me on a string with phone calls once a week...I just can't be totally without anyone.....it's a catch 22...

[@soulthriver-oz6470]

@@louiseboyd8896 I'm in a very similar position/relationship. So torn.

[@MR-fl6ul]

taking time for yourself and recharging is super important. not to form codependency. Good for you to take that time for yourself.

[@jillh2186]

God bless this man we all feel this way at some time in our life. 🙏

[@wildsoulalice252]

Thank you - sometimes the most difficult relationships are with our greatest teachers ❤

[@colmward5489]

I can relate to this also my wife seems to trigger outbursts of anger in me and it’s like flicking a switch but the great thing I understand the deeper meaning of it and realise I have to let go of more old pain and also if I have an outburst I can let go and move on quite quickly as there was a time I would mull over it for a day or 2 my developing EQ is down to Eckharts teachings we are blessed to have him

[@magicalumbrella7151]

Its quite simple. All relationships reflect our inner patterns, as we change our relationships reflect it, they get stronger or fall away. We are on a path from fear to love, if we choose that direction.

[@thediva2098]

I walked away and ended it. My light was to bright it was shining through the holes in her lies.

[@peterwilliams6361]

everything reminds me of my ex wife, i love her so much, i wish there was a way i can bring her back

[@DavidVelasquez9]

i felt the same way a year ago, my wife left me two years ago and i was so down because she was and is the love of my life, and i couldn't just let her go, so i did all i could to bring her back.

[@peterwilliams6361]

@@DavidVelasquez9 i wont say im glad that you understand how i feel, it is really sad, how did you get her back?

[@DavidVelasquez9]

@@peterwilliams6361 i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me get her back, her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE, you can look her up you will find all you need to know about her online.

[@peterwilliams6361]

@@DavidVelasquez9 thank you so much, this is really helpful.

[@pdaigle4939]

I feel the same about my husband. I can’t believe he left me- I don’t know how to stop loving him. He’s the love of my life

[@FreeTimeSpacken]

i love watching you talking to others people.... i feel so normal and ok when i see something like this :) thank you

[@wandarask8444]

Your comment is the way I feel . When I listen to Eckhart chatting to others it helps me feel normal. Cheers

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Nice outfit Ekhart ☺️. Good answer. Good discussion. Helpful. Thank you both. 🙏

[@jannadav1604]

I am living this now after 40 years and the questioner is speaking for me. I would love to speak with him...

[@shaktimartinagommel9284]

Wonderful, that confirms what I perceive 🙏🏻

[@patriciamurphy6559]

Just what l needed to hear. It's a work relationship in my case but yes, l think l have more to learn. Thank you Eckhart. ❤ Patty Love and light to you and all. ❤😊❤

[@JujuBombzTV]

The way this ended with a waterfall. So therapeutic ❤

[@gargikulkarni8764]

I know when to give a chance and when to leave. Basically we all get to know naturally. it's not a specific art which somebody has and somebody doesn't. We don't struggle to understand. Why we struggle is when we are confused by our own actions - say something and do something else. If we are genuinely doing anything be it love, work, eat , play I don't think we need to worry about future..just need to be honest, true to yourself and others...

[@tashchanner5329]

My partner and I are so opposite in many ways.. and have clashed so many times. I often wonder if it's worth the the effort. It's as though our time together has become harder in many ways. I do feel the physical stress that puts on me, I know my body is reacting to the negatively. However, there's a part of me that knows its my biggest teacher and I keep working on myself or trying not to be bothered by things so much. It's still hard and it's work in progress, but in some way I feel like I'm managing myself more in it than before.

[@heatherberry01]

Wow, he says he sees waves of energy. Everything is enhanced as this person fades away. He’s highly sensitive and desiring a sensitive speaking person like himself. The duality of this existence is hurtful and offensive to him. Almost a battle with autonomy and feels defensive when a response isn’t to his standards. I mean…this is my answer. Be authentic, be compassionate not only to self but to other and understand not everyone is going to reflect what you want reflected back to you. We are all attracting unconscious versions of our unconscious shadow side. This has been my revelation. Bless him for sharing and showing vulnerability and for speaking his truth. There’s nothing wrong with outgrowing someone as long as communication has always been at the helm every one deserves to be with a partner that hears them and feels heard by their partner. Nothing is more painful than to be invisible.

[@julionosano9246]

It is difficult for people to understand that what they are doing is repeating each other's familiar patterns because then they come into conflict with their own identity.