Would I Re-Transition?

[@asentientgoose]

a friend once told me that “men see women through the male gaze, but women also see women through the male gaze” and that really resonated with me.

[@rosyrose4620]

Lily S WHAT?

[@poppyseed890]

I often catch myself looking at women in a way I suppose men would..in a .judging manner, kind of objectifying, sexualizing them. Not nice to know that about yourself. it takes a lot of conscious effort to change this mostly unconscious "habit".

[@poppyseed890]

This made me think of how most men watch women when they walk by on the pavement. How often do I ever look at MEN when they walk by? Far less. And whenever I do, they almost always look at me. And watching is power. It's a learned behaviour not to look at men as a woman. Very hard to overcome, as I've realized. But crucial.

[@aquiline-eagle9669]

Angelika Goldstein I look at hot guys all the time.

[@missanthropocene6308]

@@poppyseed890 i think she meant it more like woman look at themselfs through the male gaze. Even when we're alone we're thinking about how we are percieved. How often did I sit in bed and all of a sudden I position myself in a more ''atrackrive'' way but for who? Its like even when women are alone we are performing for this invisible male audience. Men could never understand this there is a great quote by margaret atwood about this. Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it's all a male fantasy: that you're strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.

[@zoee4876]

I'm 15 years old and I told myself and others I was trans when I was 12-13 but I really knew I wasn't. It's exactly what you describe in your videos, the combination of the bullshit that comes with being a woman and too much time spent in online comuntities that reaffirm and encourage the idea that "*yes, this is what being trans is.*" and "*yes, you will feel this way forever.*" It really does feel so much better to be a male. I'm really glad you're talking about this, because before I saw your videos I didn't know WHY I had that "phase". I'm almost 2 years past that and I just now realized why I had such a deep, almost debilitating self hatred. Your channel has really opened my eyes to what happened to me and a lot of girls I knew that used to think we were trans. I just want to thank you for talking about this because it's a very very important subject that isn't being talked about. Sorry for the rambling, I just wanna say thank you for helping me solve something I've been wondering about myself for years.

[@dove29]

Today I know that I 100% started to transition because of the sexism and homophobia I went through. I wanted to be able to go out with my girlfriend without being sexualized and asked to serve men sexually on a daily basis. I wanted to protect her and our relationship socially. I wanted to be taken seriously in my profession. I didn't go far and so de-transitioning went quite smoothly, though it was so hard to see if I wanted to be a man because of identity or because I wanted respect. Now I've realized that I need to stand up for women and the feminine, I want to live as a woman and I want equality in the way we are treated as humans.

[@dove29]

@Sacha Barbie I am very androgynous and so I pass easily as a man. I knew that if I transitioned no one would be able to tell. I don't necessarily identify as a woman because I didn't transition.

[@dove29]

Or, I do, but I still enjoy my masculinity

[@dove29]

To answer your question, I do know

[@GDKLockout]

The grass is always greener on the other side. Sorry, but you have no idea what being a man is like, for starters there is no 1 way to be a man. You have looked and seen only the surface, there is times when the wimen expect the man to take the lead, take the hit or take a back seat. Being a man is partially not having a choice over this, its all expectations from women on how we should behave. Times ill guess you wont want to be a man: titanic, fire, bump in the night, not enough seats, go out to work instead of looking after the children and havng that made out as empowering....... The list goes on. Most of this trans and detrans stuff is people thinking in steroetypes and then learning the truth.

[@GDKLockout]

@Michelle correcto! And all too often, we only see people doing well, or being disrespected, or whatever, and assume we know why. Plenty of women command respect, like judge judy, Plenty of men are dispresected, see poor ole Johnny Depp. Beaten and abused then nearly jailed for exactly that which was perpetrated upon him.

[@thpisland2423]

I actually find your videos pretty liberating as someone who seriously considered transitioning myself. I ended up not doing it in the end As someone who lived and died with how people thought of me I was really unhappy with myself and hated myself for being a man, thought I was ugly and had/have horrible body image issues. I then realized that the real problem is I was trying to escape not just being a man but myself, I was trying to be someone other than myself instead of actually being trans. I ended up not doing it in the end and because of your videos I see I definitely made the right decision, so I'd like to say thanks for sharing your story.

[@riobrasilsambashowssambist1453]

I agree, i never considered transition , i am as straight as they come, but.i feel like.i can relate.to the struggle and i feel happy knowing she is finding a light in her world

[@someonesomeone25]

I spent most of my life hating myself and trying to be a 'man' even though I never fitted into the mould - I could never perform masculinity correctly enough. Once I accepted that I wasn't what my society considered was a man I felt liberated. I'm neither a man nor woman now.

[@Drbethturtlewoman]

I do admire you. I am a Physician and have had a few trans patients in the past. Myself personally had breast cancer and had both breast removed. The hormone blockers I take have lowered my voice and I grow a little facial hair. I am still very much a woman. You are very nice looking and I don’t understand what you talk like you are anything less than a woman. So what if your voice is a little deeper and you get facial hair. It makes us less boring LOL. Keep educating the world about your journey. You are a rock star.

[@napsahtava]

Mad respect for you and your bravery in sharing your experiences. Wishing you the best as your journey continues.

[@MzJust1girl]

Elle, you really ARE one of the bravest people on YT. Some of these comments are just unreal! I am female, always have been. I was little when I heard someone say that Freud said that girls are jealous of boys because they have a penis & girls do not. My thought as a little girl (6?) was that Freud was just stupid. And then when my mother called me a tomboy because I like to run & play & climb trees, just like everyone else, I again, just thought that was a stupid thing to say. Looking back from my 60+ year vantage point I can see I had a stronger sense of self than I realized. I always felt like I could do or be what I wanted. That does not discount the very real misogyny that women learn to deal with. The struggle is real! Why am I here, listening to you? I stumbled upon your channel one day & I think you are interesting & real. If these conversations are kept in the Trans community only then how will others like me ever hope to understand anything. I seek to understand without judging. Your view is thought provoking and my heart hurts for the ways you struggle. Your path is yours alone & I am confident that you will are where you need to be & will end up where you belong. Peace & blessings, Elle

[@Sheridan2LT]

Alright relax there Carmen Sandiego.

[@swordierre9341]

this video is super thought provoking. like wtf is identity in the first place

[@thecrownedclownlebouffonco7945]

greetthemoth Identity is the label 🏷 assigned to you by birth, sex, age, and social status. Identity is a social fabrication. But can quickly turn into your realistic nightmare.

[@Assassin026]

Hi Elle, I'm a little older than you but the things you said about the fear of growing up and fulfilling the gender expectations of others spoke to me ona a spiritual level. You put into words how I have felt since I was a teenager and into my early 20s. For a couple of years I've been watching FTM transitions and pondered upon the idea of transitioning myself but I wasn't 100% sure if I wanted to since I never felt any dysphoria in regards to my body. I've watched a couple of your videos and you made me realize that I more so desire the social status of a male, being perceived in public as a man, rather than everything physical that comes with it. I know now that I should work upon improving myself and my life in order to feel better about it, It's been a confusing couple of years but you made them a little less confusing, thank you for that.

[@aleksap5459]

I feel the exact same way. I haven't come across anyone else who has gone through this, but then again I haven't delved into this topic with every woman I've met. I've always felt alone in this. It's so nice to find other people who know what this is like!

[@bgreaud]

The only thing transitioning can do is offer a way to deal with dysphoria. Not every trans person needs or wants to transition. If your thinking about seriously ending your life and you have dysphoria, maybe research transition. It will not solve your problems. In fact it will give you new ones... But if your dysphoria is pushing you to self harm, it may help. Typically if you take HRT you will know if its right for you before permanent changes. I feel bad for those who try to use transitioning as a tool to deal with other areas where they struggle, because it typically doesn't work. I wish the best for those that decide to transition and those that decide it's not for them. We are all just looking for ways to live with ourselves.

[@eardrummed]

I remember being like 12 and getting asked out by a really old guy. It was creepy and frankly a psychological molestation. I was so afraid of becoming a woman. All around me all I could see were females competing for attention. I was sooo miserable, and confused, and anorexic. I wanted an escape, but back then the topic of gender noncormity wasn't even on the outer edge of the radar.Your video resonates with that 12 year old me. You are so free with your words. " I am the author of the way I feel about myself"--- that is so liberating ! When you let go of what society expects you to conform to in terms of gender, you rise and stay risen.

[@drtilde]

i've been a cis woman all my life and i deeply understand that aspect of needing to perform or look a certain way. in my later teens i also wondered if maybe i was nonbinary. i think it's pretty messed up that women in general often feel that we cannot be ourselves at some point in our lives?

[@SoTrue32]

The trick is learning to not give a fuck about other people and what they think. Just stay safe out there.

[@meganfaircloth4843]

I really appreciate your videos Elle! As a more "masculine" woman you've really helped me reconcile a lot of the gender dysphoria that I get when I'm around feminine girls that's been bothering me for a while. It's also amazing to be with you in this process of rediscovering yourself. I hope you stay happy and healthy!!

[@blaue_blue]

The way I know I'm trans is because I don't connect to any of what you're saying. Mine was always an internal battle, nothing to do with how the outside sees me. Don't care much for gender roles and well, it never really affected me, anyways. Had noticeable dysphoria ever since I was a kid. I don't see a woman in my head. Intrinsically, there's something that tells me I am a male, and if I fight that, that's what hurts me. If I try to stuff that down, it feels inauthentic. I sort of lose myself when I fight it.

[@hwren9845]

I think this is why it's important that there is some level of "gatekeeping" before embarking on medical transition. I know that it's seen as transphobic now to say that dysphoria is a big (perhaps even necessary) part of being trans but it's really the only criteria that seems to not be rooted in gender roles and expectations. I think we'll continue to see people (especially those who started on their trans journey young) regretting transition so long as we only affirm and never question their desire to do so. And imo so long as people continue to detransition and speak out about how it was wrong for them (which they absolutely should, of course) the bigger the backlash will be against people who really do benefit from medical transition.

[@blaue_blue]

@@hwren9845 I agree! I still haven't completed transition, and I've been on this journey for years. I actually sought out professionals that I knew would challenge me. I went to a therapist that has a PHD and specialises in trauma firstly, and properly, ethically assessing, before they would even give a green light for hormones. I even asked the doctors multiple questions when I went in. I am 23, btw. It's a HUGE thing, much more huge than I think young brains can grasp. I agree that detransitioners should share. Videos like Elle's are very helpful, as they are neutral on the subject, rather than swinging from one radical to the next. :)

[@Mysterica90proplayer]

Your feelings dont change the truth, you are female. Period.

[@squidratt]

@@Mysterica90proplayer He was born female. He is transitioning to male. Biological sex is a combination of chromosomes and genetic expression, secondary sex characteristics, and hormones. People can be male, female, or intersex. And even within a single sex, there is variation in the biological aspects of that sex (ie., not all males are equally hairy, not all females have curves, some females have more body hair than some males, not all people have chromosomes that "align" with their assigned sex). Biological sex is relatively arbitrarily defined. Administration of relevant HRT to a transgender person alters their hormone levels, which also alters their secondary sex characteristics, essentially overriding a majority of the roles that genes play anyway. There is a reason a transgender man is called "female-to-male." If you were to look at a "fully transitioned" trans man and think he is female, I'd say you need to retake basic health and biology. I can provide you with plenty of resources for you to educate yourself, if you'd like.

[@myspouti9652]

@Animal Liberation there is a strong sense of identity. For example, as I was growing up I always saw myself as "one of the boys". I had 2 sisters close to my age and when me and my buddy played games with them it was "us" against "the girls". I'd say it was also emotional reactions. The way emotions *feel* when you are estrogen dominant is different when you are testosterone dominant. Switching my hormone balance made my emotions fit better and they made more sense to me. And I agree with the first commenter here : all of my struggles were internal. A deep sense of shame for wanting a penis, for hating my chest. Secret voice lowering exercises, this constant desire to have male musculature. I didn't know what being trans was until I began transition.

[@S4L3MTR13]

Holy shit. You speak way too much to how I feel as a non-traditional woman, and the expectations of what being a woman is in broader society. We can't just be seen as another person, we're very constantly seen as objects and not as if we can just be ourselves without judgement. Thank you

[@TransgenderAmmosexual]

While I don’t disagree with what you said, I think it is a little one sided. It is just as true that men are not seen as “just another person” everyone (except for people who present so androgynously that people have no clue which gender box to put them into & that is fairly hard to do because most people will try very hard & grasp at straws to find something to use to put you in to one box or the other) are judged relative to traditional gender norms. When it comes to men that usually means only being valued for what we can provide & feeling like all most women see is a walking 🏧 & being seen as sub human for showing any emotion other than anger😡 and having the assumption made that you must be gay if you have a sense of aesthetics or are artistically inclined👨🏻‍🎨 As someone who doesn’t strictly adhere to the gender norms of either gender & went for general being viewed as a gender non conforming woman to being seen as a gender non conforming man (personally I identify as a demi-guy) it is not objectively easier to be a gender non conforming person of either gender. Now, subjectively it can be easier when the gender people are seeing you as a non conforming member of more closely aligns with how you see yourself. I in no way regret my transition! It feels far better to have testosterone as my dominant hormone; when I had estrogen as my dominant hormone, it felt like there was a constant painful tug-o-war going on in my brain🧠😖 but any one who goes into transition thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence is bound to be sorely disappointed! While there are male privileges that do exist, there are just as many female privileges that also exist💁🏻‍♂️ Both men & women often get treated like shit by society, just in different ways.

[@doubleboy2388]

Don't worry Elle, everything is going to be okay. And I sincerely mean that. You still look very much like a woman, and you're good looking. Because I see how much it bothers you that wished you would have waited and given yourself more time to love your body and accept it. I see it weighs on you, and I'm sorry for that. But you are doing a great thing making these videos, you're going to help many people. There's a reason for everything.

[@pompommania]

John Wick such a sweet comment

[@lidahall5928]

Hey, I've never seriously wanted to transition, but I can understand wanting an "escape hatch" from growing up to be a woman, certainly. I didn't want to be "seen" as a man, I'm very, very petite and I was in fact raised by a Very. Strong. Woman. [No offence to your mom at all, sorry if that's what you got from that.] It's very interesting (and sad, actually) to me that you felt "free from gender" as a man. It's a very savage indictment of our society, tbh. You're so right about the dearth of strong and possibly GNC women in our media and it makes me so angry. If anyone's still reading this at this point - please, please don't put it back on yourself. Society really *is* wrong on this one.

[@Carol-Bell]

Lida Hall I agree. It’s society and the media especially, that has created this problem. I hope more people will speak out.

[@Rov-Nihil]

@@Carol-Bell WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY

[@ashleyburbank3129]

@@Rov-Nihil yes but that have not focused on these things and they have a healthier outlook on gender. And fewer attacks on women, and when men are attacked they feel comfortable talking about it instead of the stigma that Society has given them to make them feel shamed. The point is society can do better it's already happened we should try. Changing mentality is not easy... but your implication that Society can't change is why we stay in the dark ages... just because the Civil Rights issue doesn't resonate with you doesn't mean it's not important! You see you're simply part of the old way of thinking

[@mr.fahrenheit347]

i feel comfortable in a woman’s body but i hate being one and i hate being presented as one

[@brendalg4]

I feel there would be almost no such thing as gender identity issues if society was different. It's created by society. If you are a boy who likes dolls and feminine things, you are gay or you want to be a girl. Why can't you just be a boy who likes dolls? Toys don't have a gender

[@lux-nx3dw]

I totally get what you're saying when you say you felt the expectations of being a woman. I grew up without much interest in makeup, having my hair done all the time, or wearing super feminine/revealing clothing. I've felt like my female family members have judged me or call me an "old lady" for this. Lol. I just take it lightly but it is weird that these expectations are there regardless of the context. I remember being told "are you a boy?" by my mom because I wasn't as tidy or clean as my sister. It's funny how these things are engrained into society and traits are gendered. I'm sorry you went through all of that by yourself. I think being perceived as a man must be nice. I could see how the interactions differ drastically. I feel that there is privilege and security in that. As a woman, you have to prove yourself as educated, well-spoken, serious etc because people automatically view you as vulnerable, clumsy, is she hot enough to talk to? etc. I totally get where you're coming from, although I've never wanted to transition.

[@hayes9611]

When you said you felt free from gender it was really eye-opening for me. I'm realizing that my biggest insecurities literally all tie back to not being masculine enough in the eyes of others.

[@Hannekottens]

Tw: I have been gender non conforming since i was 14 and that was fine but when I was 16 I got a boyfriend who touched/talked about my body in a way that made me very uncomfortable. That made me hate my body and my femininity and because of that I thought I was trans for over a year. I think you have a great point in saying that transitioning is a way of escaping womanhood

[@hubbadouble8025]

I think it may be a fun "accesory" or maybe more "comftable" in some ways to have the opposite body, but what really mattes is how you feel inside and how others look at you on the inisde. I have a boyfriend who knows I hate being trated like a stereotypical "woman" like "femenine in all ways". I talked to him about that and he is slowly undesrtanding that he's dating a transgender in a woman body. In my case half femenine and half masculine with a bit of other no binary things.

[@Call-me-Al]

@Nora Lally no, it's running away from society. If you are happy as yourself but society keeps punishing you for it, then society is the problem.

[@EricaForman]

I think your story is so interesting. As a trans woman, talking about detransition is not an easy subject to listen to. However, I find it instructive in life to learn as much as I can about the trans community. I always try to remain open-minded about folks who find it necessary to detransition, even if it's not something I could ever see in myself. One of the interesting aspects of this, you almost remind me of the thoughts that trans women have, about their looks, or their voice, or facial hair, do I pass for female. Bet you didn't realize how much in common you now have with people like me. I've watched a fair number of your videos, Elle, and what I really like is that you don't blame the trans community nor healthcare persons who helped you in your transition to male for so-called "forcing you" or saying you went along with "trans-trending" or some other thing. You have laid it all at your own feet, your own insecurities and your own gender exploration. You did so this the video too, and I really appreciate that. I hope you find my perspective interesting and that you welcome it. I am a trans woman who is now 51 years old, and I have been living full-time authentically since August of 2008, and we can go back another 10 years before that was presenting as female publicly. Not to mention when I was growing up from age 12 I had to keep it very close to myself how I felt. In those days, you just couldn't come out. Well, wishing you the best. I hope you can take the time to reply. Erica

[@elisabethdaswani5110]

I totally understand how you felt about being comfortable and happy living as a man. I was exactly the same. I loved living as a man. I realised when I detransitioned that I'd spent so many years surrounded by transgender activists online, being told that I really was a man, looking in the mirror caking myself a man, being called he and a male name, I realised that the effects of that had been possibly even more drastic that the effects of the hormones I took. As a woman there is nobody specifically telling me I'm a woman and was born that way - nobody but God through my body and the way I was born. It's been almost 6 months since I stopped living as a man and I lived that way for almost 6 years, unaware that each moment that passed I was subconsciously learning that I was a man and could not be a woman. It's not so easy when you start accepting your body to actually get past all those lies that have been spoken over you by well-intentioned people. Because that's a number of years of your life and it could take a few more just to feel more adjusted to calling yourself a woman. I'm really glad that you've come to accept yourself as a woman as I know that that's something I've found quite tough over this time. You're incredibly brave for going against the social norm and striving to accept your womanhood, defining female for yourself. I love seeing your videos. I don't know if your religious (I don't want you to think I'm pushing my beliefs on you) but I'm always praying for you - I hope for the best for you

[@ellepalmer]

This put everything I’ve been feeling into words so well! Thank you for sharing.

[@elisabethdaswani5110]

@Sienna Waters I don't think our bodies are meant to form our identities. For me "feeling like a woman" is simply remembering that I have a female body. The roles that women assume in society are vast and badly defined at best. Thank you for your insight - I'm so glad that you came to your conclusion with critical thinking and rationality. It gives me so much hope to know that I'm not alone in rejecting transition. You're a wise person to be thinking the way you are :)

[@GypsyxDarling]

@Sienna Waters I find your experience interesting. So you're still using clothes and such to help relieve dysphoria, just only in safe spaces and keeping it to yourself?

[@akilahmaysa8240]

Thank you so much for sharing your journey and heartfelt insight. My son describes himself as an effeminate man. Tough for him sometimes to continually challenge gender stereotypes and to live as his authentic self. He's getting there though. Thanks again.

[@Wendededed]

I feel like that about being a woman too. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable when I am too girly. But I just feel more confident in low-fem attire.

[@lux-nx3dw]

same. I hate being overly feminine or revealing. I hate people staring at features. I'd rather people talk to me for me. I can totally tell the difference in how people treat me when I am wearing feminine clothes, make up, and wear clothes that are more revealing (which for me is just showing some cleavage lol). It is overwhelmingly positive and I hate how people treat me so differently when I am in that state versus work out clothes, a baggy t shirt, and a bun + glasses...

[@Wendededed]

@@lux-nx3dw Same. It is worlds different. I feel a million times more anxious and that doesn't make me feel good. I like how it looks tho strangely. Just not how it feels.

[@peaceandlove544]

Celebrate your femininity. It's a beautiful thing. So much feminity or masculinity hate these days. So sad.

[@zvezda729]

I have been struggeling with my gender identity for 4 years now, your videos really help me, thank you alot

[@hwren9845]

"I am the author of the way that I feel about myself" is such a beautiful turn of phrase and an important thing to remember. I've never transitioned, though I did go through a period of thinking I was "non-binary", but I have struggled with disordered eating and body dysmorphia and I can relate SO much to the things you talk about on this channel. What I've realised with age is that I am never going to be content with myself and with my body so long as I continue to put these expectations on myself. Yes, it starts with an outside source and our society is always going to be horrible towards women, so what is the point in letting it dictate the way I feel about myself? There is so much more to life than gender and appearance. Letting go of that mindset of "needing" to do certain things either to be a woman or not be one has been freeing in ways I never imagined. I actually enjoy life now.

[@doubleboy2388]

Well said. There is more to life than gender and appearance. Try to work to take away the compulsion.

[@ninas5324]

I can relate to so many things you said in your video. I also thought I was a boy back when I was 17/18, luckily I never took testosterone but I did change my appearance and name. Low and behold , I am just a lesbian with a complicated relationship with femininity. It's always good to see you're not alone especially from someone who is as open and honest about it as you are. Thank you for this! Also important note: you are very pretty and I am very gay

[@peaceandlove544]

Pop culture teaches to hate your femeninity instead of celebrating and teaching you you can be a strong feminine one. A successfull strong feminine cys woman talking here.

[@rogdohio50]

I believe society creates these expectations and pressures on girls because all they see is sexual references, body image expectations and the media feeds these. It's important that parents help these girls accept themselves and not push these expectations too.

[@cameronkelly3902]

I’ll say this from my opinion. I don’t think that you living as a man was necessarily “fake.” You were still you before, during, and after transition. Transitioning/detransitioning gave you a deeper appreciation of womanhood and gender in general. This gives you more depth and insight than most people have. And the truth is, you were living your truth during that time, because our own truth is Of our own creation. You didn’t live a fake life at all; you’re living a life that is teaching you wisdom, and that’s more authentic than how most people are living their own lives.

[@NorahEkuttan]

I was kinda starting to be judgy like why did she transition in the first place but this comment makes so much sense thank you for this insight

[@Call-me-Al]

@@NorahEkuttan unfortunately some people don't feel they can be their non-stereotype self, sometimes because of their local community. This is why I have been so happy non-binary and gender fluid has become a thing with the youth, because those labels let them explore deeper truths about themselves safely. Those who realize they are actually just non-conformative cisgender can go back to label themselves as ciswomen or cismen and fight for increased representation and be the change, those who find either to unsatisfying and love their new identity can keep those labels and help others get more shelter and acceptance, and those who realize they don't really care about others when it comes to their gender and just feel like getting surgery and hormones would make their body finally be theirs instead of a foreign prison can get that done so they can finally be themselves and help others like them. :) Edit: spaced out so less solid wall of text

[@aleksap5459]

When I was in my final year of high school I had serious gender identity issues. I even came out to my family about it (didn't end well ... at all). I figured maybe I'm androgynous. But that's a whole complicated topic in itself. Point is I never related with other women (but I don't really relate with other men, either). Over that year, throughout which I had gyno appointments for possible PCOS, and found I actually had elevated testosterone levels, I felt miserable. Then ... it went away. I still don't understand what happened, or why. All I do know is that right now I'm pretty okay with my female body and I'm very happy in a relationship. I still have doubts and I still struggle to relate with other women but I've learned to live with it. I'm okay with being a woman; that is, I'm okay with being me. Now I realise, that I actually felt maybe my life would be better if I was a man. I really detested being female. I didn't want people to view my abilities and personality through the frame and filter of the fact that I appear female. Some argue that women don't have the problems they had many decades ago in society, but I argue the subtleties are still there, and they are actually enough to make some of us even want to transition. That's no small thing. What you said in this video really resonated with me. I so wish I could have seen this all those years ago.

[@poppyseed890]

Neither connecting with females or males ....I feel you ;-D - and you are so right about the subtleties!! (which can be devastating if taken seriously). Developing true confidence may help overcoming issues with sex/gender...I'm working on it, and I'm definitely in a better place than I was 10 years ago.

[@melissas4874]

The male/female that you wonder about connecting to is more the classical role (some say social construct). I think this is breaking down somewhat, but there are still some expectations that totally don't fit me. I'm not very maternal and I don't feel like it is my "job" to put all my desires aside for my husband's desires. Maybe you have hit on something - maybe it is easier for some to just say "I don't fit this role and rather than argue or fight, I'll just change genders"? But we shouldn't have to do either - we should be allowed to be who we want just as men are allowed that.

[@nadinekeating3255]

I just wanted to say that I watched the interview you did on Blair White's channel. You mentioned in there that you were upset about your voice and that it would be that way forever. Well I just went back to a video you posted 4 months ago and compared it to this video and your voice has definitely gotten higher over the past few months. So it is actually changing.

[@JonKUhlerLPC]

Elle, thank you for doing these videos. You are no doubt helping many young people come to realize that the answer doesn't lie in being told they need to radically change and/or reject themselves, but it lies in working through issues toward self-acceptance. They need to find someone who isn't going to send them down the path of future regrets, but of working toward self-acceptance and emotional healing.

[@кислотныйапокалипсис]

I'm so glad that due to severe hormonal issues I didn't consider transitioning in my teenage years. Now I see, that society just treats women terribly - that's was the reason for me to feel alienated and pressured. I was sexually objectified from the age of 12 and everyone just told me that it is a good thing, so I should be happy that I was considered "sexy" .I hated stereotypical representation of weak, "cute", soft and fetishised women in media, I was bullied for years for having "ugly" face and being overweight. I cut myself, tried to commit suicide several times. Now I understand that sexism and misogyny were the reasons for me to feel disphoric and alienated, but at that time I just wanted for all of that to be over. I'm so glad, that my health & mental issues didn't allow me to transition. Now I'm proud of being a woman, who is able to send all the gender stereotypes to hell , but the path was terrifically traumatizing

[@anna_thema3732]

кислотный апокалипсис I wish you the very best in your life onward. Thank you for sticking around, I hope you are feeling more content with existing ❤️

[@commentsiguess1263]

As a trans guy, videos like these made me more certain of my trans identity. I don't really hate my body. I just don't see it as me. Being perceived as a woman in a variety of settings and presentations was great fun for me, but I always knew something was "off" about it. It took a lot of courage to finally accept myself and I'm glad I did.

[@synonymous_]

@Nora Lally shut the fuck up

[@canonicallygod8782]

@Sienna Waters may you please link the video?

[@elisabethdaswani5110]

That's odd because that's also very similar to how my transition was. Never hated my body, just couldn't associate it with myself. But then I got a bit older and started to see the flaws in transmed ideology so I detransitioned, not really wanting to at first, and now I just don't really care. I'm a female because of my body but I didn't choose my body but it's in its healthiest state without artificial hormones.

[@Call-me-Al]

@@elisabethdaswani5110 some ciswomen don't have a choice about "artificial" hormones. They need to be on the pill or worse to manage their dysfunctional or non-existent hormones. Please don't forget that some people absolutely need those artificial hormones for their body to function in a healthy way.

[@elisabethdaswani5110]

@@Call-me-Al sorry about that - When I said "artificial hormones" I was speaking specifically about cross-sex hormones administered for the sake of gender dysphoria. Because of course of the inherent risks of taking cross-sex hormones, like atrophy/rupture of sexual organs, pelvic floor damage, ovarian cysts, etc. (That's just in the case of females who take testosterone, although there are different risks for MTF transpeople). These are many of the issues that women take female hormones in an attempt to solve/avoid, so a distinction does need to be made.

[@TheIauren]

The part where you talk about seen as a human being as a man that was powerful like damn

[@TheIauren]

Thank you for talking about it

[@yes24__]

Lauren honestly so powerful.

[@dewvid]

This is so fascinating. Really appreciate this video. As a GNC man I do feel role pressure and discomfort (and none of that T confidence unfortunately!), but for me a lot of this *is* external and social.

[@AcePlaysTCGs]

This is such a great testimony. I feel like a lot of contemplative gender fluid people could watch this and gain a lot from it, and there's a lot about just how much other people think matters. I sit here as a man who largely feels underachieved because of aspects of my life and personality that doesn't mesh with modern society and I wonder how I would be looked at if I was a woman. I don't want to transition, but your words empower me because we all need to feel comfortable in who we are and what makes us us. Sometimes our expectations for other people get in the way of people living their best lives. Sidenote: Girls with short hair in "men's clothes" are super hot! And I'm very comfortable saying that.

[@sandraesterm8894]

I love how honest and genuine you are, it makes your videos so interesting and educational

[@simfimpim]

Like you said in one of your other videos, "Being a woman is a gift." It doesn't matter what you choose to wear, what your hobbies are, how long your hair is, etc. All you need to be a woman is to be female. I promise the insecurity with womanhood and its expectations will be easier to deal with as you get older and you start caring less about fitting a certain mold.

[@graceg4550]

I could cry, I feel this and you explained it so well. The pressures to be feminine and the expectations. I hate the judgements of not conforming or not measuring up. I hate being talked to as a female. I want to be an equal, as a strong and capable person.

[@graceg4550]

14:10 PREACH! 'being comfortable with the way that men are viewed in society...'

[@jennyluciamascia2039]

Hey Elle. Thank you for sharing your experience. As a cis woman, your struggle with society spoke to me. It helped me realize what I'm going through right now, the sense of self hate I carried with me for many years was coming from constantly trying to fit inside the "what should a woman" do, be like or say. There is just so much we are pressured to feel shame about. We are conditioned to feel self-conscious and analyze how we are perceived externally. You are brave for being vulnerable. I have full respect for you

[@lightbluedev]

Thank you, Elle. This was excellently communicated. I’m very glad you took the journey and are able to process it not only for yourself, but also for others. Very unique perspective... not because there aren’t a lot of others having this experience, but I’ve never heard anybody online or irl talk about it (especially so eloquently). Thanks again. Also, you look and sound great. I think your voice is higher. Continued success 🙏.

[@skybee001]

You would be GREAT as a public speaker on this topic. I can see you doing a TED talk on gender and sexuality. You are so eloquent and insightful and self aware!! You are an amazing educator 💕

[@caelanoldacc]

as always Elle, this is so spot on. when i identified as a trans man i also felt free from gender; and i think that’s why i was happy as a boy- rather than actually wanting to be a boy. imagine a world without misogyny :/ also, your voice!!! it seems so smooth and simply just tomboyish, not manly at all. have you been doing anything to get it like that? big envy 😭💜

[@blvdwika]

Honestly, when I see a new video from you, I don't think "oh, this man/woman uploaded a new video", I just remember what you talk about and that I like hearing you talking. I know it's different for you, because it's your body and your life, but remember that for the most of people it is totally irrelevant if you're a boy or a girl, we like YOU. Maybe it's pointless to write it, because it should be obvious, but I just felt like writing a comment down here. Hugs from southern Poland

[@missbelladonna24]

She is all woman

[@wowautumn1000]

This is pretty unrelated to this video.. but you remind me SO MUCH of my closest best friends, she was one of the best people I’ve ever met, but she was very unhappy with her life and her environment reminded her a lot of different bad periods of her life. So she left and moved about 2,000 miles away (which I was super happy for her about!), but she pretty much completely stopped speaking to me and the other people she considered friends and family because she wanted nothing to do with where she came from. Which I don’t see anything wrong with, but I miss her a lot. And I think that you reminding me so much of her is part of why I love your videos so much! I think it’s awesome that you’re sharing this side of yourself with people you’ve never met in hopes of helping others, and you seem like such a sweet and genuine person.

[@shallowwaters6690]

I love that you don’t oversimplify things! Life and feelings are complex. As a woman who at times is gender non-conforming and other times quite feminine, I love that you speak to dropping the expectations in our own heads and being the author of our own stories of womanhood. I look forward to your updates!

[@David-jc5jf]

"just be you, who else can be you but you." - snoop dogg

[@TRUETOILETTENPAPIER]

Thank you for making this video and putting into words what I went through throughout my childhood and teen years and what I'm still going through right now (minus the transition, even though at some point I started seriously considering it as a viable option). It's funny how we are the same age and have pretty much had the same feelings about gender at the same time. To this day, if somehow people misgender me and talk to me as if I were male, I feel happiness. To change your perception about yourself (and about your perception of other's perception of yourself), going against what you've always known, is probably one of the biggest challenges I'll ever face. A huge part of me still wants to obey that internalized misogyny and those societal expectations, because it's the "easy" way out. But I guess I have no other option but to fight those things.

[@doubletrouble2022]

Imo, you are a pioneer. I like to think everything happens for a reason and something good can come from any/every experience. I don't doubt that by sharing your experiences, you've helped a lot of people who might have been confused. I can see it in the comments or on other people's videos that mention you. That's why I call you a pioneer. You are going through this incredible journey, a journey that isn't very common or even completely understood yet. And by sharing your experiences, you're helping people understand their own journeys better. I'm a heterosexual cis woman who has never questioned her own gender/sexuality but I do have questions, too. My best friend of 25+ years is gay and I watched him go through hell coming out in high school. My son is bisexual. Neither are trans, as far as I know, but both have dealt with their own confusion. So, videos like these are teaching me a lot. Thank you for sharing your experiences! You are an amazing person and I think you are just beautiful, inside and out! 💜

[@narvalswegger1500]

hell yeah! first I wanna say thanks for sharing your experience and making these videos. for real. it's great, opens a debate and shines some light on a topic you don't really hear about, I really like your personality too. and I (and I can imagine, so many other girls) can relate so much to "escaping from womanhood". it's worrying, yes, but it's also true. I've dressed as a boy, wished to be perceived as one, wished to be addressed as one, (I speak Spanish, where language is gendered, and literally since I was a child I would refer to myself as a male), I've had that whole weird relationship with pink thing, the whole not like other girls thing, the whole thinking I was trans bc of tumblr thing, and so so much more. it's crazy, really. and if anyone's reading, I'd like to know if you've experienced something similar, I've heard trans people talk about this: when I was 3/4/5 and would play pretend family, I'd never choose the mom/daughter/sister, but I'd just avoid it and choose the dog or the baby, just cause they weren't gendered. I swear, looking back, it so crazy. I used to tell my mom I didn't like girls too. lol.

[@TirraOmilade]

You are teaching! YES! Another FTM Detransition lady said she things eating disorders are at the foundation of a lot of women transitioning. WOW! I bet you will help a lot of young ladies. Good for you!

[@Silkinpilk]

The bit at the end where the ice cream truck was playing the jingle and Elle was just sitting there doing a little bop around was so calming and sweet, lovely ending to the video

[@ayamicv2710]

I just watched your interview with Blaire and let me tell you, your voice is definitely changing!

[@findandobserve]

The “breath of fresh air” level you’re on is beyond. I think you’re great; thank you for delving deep into yourself - your ability to explain this abstract thought and feeling in a way that makes this much sense = 💯💯💯🏆🏆🏆

[@thereseblass7177]

This is so relatable. I am a 68 year-old woman. It is true the expectations of "femininity" from guys and other women are very strong. I never thought of it as a disappointment in one's self that one could not live up to those expectations as you noted. That is a very compelling thought...It is too bad people can't just be themselves. To be honest with you, I sometimes wonder if people that transition were possibly the other gender in a past life and just know that gender better...but came into this life with a different body but not the mindset. I hope you are getting to a point of accepting yourself and just don't look back and enjoy life day by day.

[@Chelone95]

I enjoy watching your videos. They always have good messages. You know, I understand what you're saying and how you may have some remorse in a way, but what I'm seeing is an example for other people who might be going through what you went through back then and this can be really helpful for them!!! You are a beautiful woman/person/human being. Lots of love. ❤️❤️❤️

[@morriganlestrange3853]

Thank you! It's great to hear your story, as I spend a lot of time imagining what it would be like to transition and never feeling like either decision feels quite right.

[@llcrow9693]

I've watched several of your videos, and you have really wonderful insights into gender and maturity. I think you could write a terrific memoir, but at the same time I worry that would keep you internally focused, which may have been a tendency that created the difficulties you experienced as you grew up. I love the way you think things through.

[@lilybray5134]

Sometimes I think of being a woman because I want to be feminine, but I will be looked at as a predator if I display my femininity. This is helping me very much. Thank you.

[@_Martine_]

I'm a guy and I dressed like a girl I looked very girly and cute to go clubbing and this guy grabbed me from my waist without permission , I totally hate it .

[@katherinemartinez5848]

I can totally see the changes in your face! You look beautiful!!!

[@elenaleander7700]

Respect for opening up about this topic. You're really eloquent and good to listen to. Interesting story

[@elyosavi]

you are a very strong woman. It is not easy for anyone to be this open and capable of sharing to the world your experince unafraid of judgmental thoughts. Also I woul like to know if you're following a certain diet to help you with your re-transition. I've heard keto diet were great for hormonal balance. Wish you the best in your jorney!!

[@emh4778]

You’re amazing. I admire the strength it takes to address your past and learn from it and move forward from it. You’re very inspiring to me.

[@FleurPapillon]

Your videos are so good and helpful. Thank you so much for these. I'm watching as a parent with two daughters that are or have struggled with gender. Your videos are so insightful, not just for people struggling with gender, but all girls and women. I wish the whole world could listen to you, and make changes for girls/women in this world.

[@ariannasholler6286]

i saw your interview with blaire white and i felt so bad for you when i heard your voice! but i clicked on this video just now when i was looking at your channel and your voice training is really nice!! i don’t think anyone would ever guess that you were ever changing your voice (though it may have been different before you went on t) i’ve seen you’ve came a long way since then!

[@musicmama2864]

I can't express how well you hit the nail on the head about what being a woman is--and how we don't need to conform to anyone's notions (including the ones we force upon ourselves).

[@oliverhalewood3364]

Watching your videos is both a comfort and worry .... I can see a lot of myself in you and it’s scary for me because I’m not sure if I’m experiencing what you’re experiencing or if I am trans. I’ve had gender issues for about 7 years and I’m not sure if it’s a really long identity crisis or if I’m just trans and transitioning may help? Anyway Your videos are really awesome and I love your spirit and wish you the best You’ve definitely helped me and you continue to make me think x

[@lizzyhunter844]

“I am the author of how I see myself.” SO 👏🏾 GOOD👏🏾

[@Vick77777]

Hello Elle. This was amazing. You must watch Ryan Barnes...the expectations on women was mentioned and what have you. You both are SO brave, informative and are helping so many. Thank you SO much. Please stay safe you and your family. All the absolute best.

[@cjo7277]

I've watched Ryan's videos. Based on what I've seen, I feel like Elle is clear on what she wants and Ryan is still trying to figure things out.

[@zamith1817]

Hi Elle! Would you consider talking about the impact of detransitioning on your family and friends? How did you tell them and how did they cope? Honestly, the reaction from the people around me is the thing that is making me not want to detransition.

[@catz537]

I had never thought about WHY someone would transition and then de-transition, but this totally makes sense to me now. I'm AFAB so I've been raised and treated like a girl my whole life, and I ...really get sick of people being condescending to me, not taking me seriously, talking over/interrupting me, etc. So I can definitely understand why living as a man would be a kind of relief. You would finally be seen as a PERSON...Still, you've come to the right conclusion: we should not HAVE to give up ourselves. We shouldn't have to conform, and we shouldn't have to put up with misogyny or any other bullshit.

[@kraaylandis]

Your post was years ago. Thank you for sharing your story. Wherever you are in life at this point, I hope you are happy and loved.

[@danayager]

Super proud of you! You were perfect the way you were, and now the way you are. Your experience made you wise beyond your years. Don’t ever regret anything... it all happens for a reason- even if you don’t know exactly yet what the reason is.

[@madeinkonada]

I think what you are saying is incredibly important. I support trans people 100%. I feel privileged to hear about your journey and love the message too. In the end, it is up to us to do what we want with our own bodies and we are equally responsible for changing our society in a way that accepts people for who they are regardless of gender identity, sexuality, race etc...

[@cyber1030]

LOVE. That is the first word that comes to mind when I finished watching this video. Thank you, Elle!!

[@cindy3001]

12:I7- "I am the author of the way that I feel about myself." Say it again, and again, and again!! You are such an inspiration to this 50 something mom of a trans-identified daughter. Sending you nothing but healthy & loving vibes!

[@kerryscardkreationsmason]

One of your stories was recommended to me and I have watched them all now your story fascinates me its quite a journey you have been on and continue to be on and just to say I know your voice is something that concerns you but to be honest after listening to you it's not noticable as being deep and it is definitely getting softer

[@kellinkbye1224]

im going through a similar experience rn and recently stopped taking t,, watching ur vids have helped me sm

[@LEGIONGAMESJD]

I admire how brave you are by talking about this in special in a society that pushes too hard to quiet people with your opinion, so happy for you.

[@riverdawn2668]

I love hearing your thoughts on overcoming the expectations placed on women, I would love to hear you talk more about being a woman in this world and rising above what other’s think.

[@maximilianwieland9304]

Your argument actually makes sense. I have never considered myself to be trans, but I also have thought that trans people might have issues with self hate. They think that there is something wrong with them. And they need to fix that. But you cannot say that to anyone in the process really. Bc then you are seen as non accepting or you are seen as transphobic etc. I don't know where it came from that psychotherapy ends in having surgeries and taking hormones. I believe that good therapy, or a good therapist, helps one to feel better about oneself. To accept yourself more. But instead people will be undergoing surgeries and taking hormones at the end of psychotherapy. I have never understood why. I don't know whether it is the good will of good people to help other people who suffer - or if it's just about money in the end. People want to make money by selling hormones, doing surgeries, etc... I wish you all the best and happiness 👏

[@cfrost87]

The whole expectations that are placed on women can and often go too far. I don't want kids and I've had people tell me that I'd change my mind. I even told my ob/gyn a few years ago that I'd want a hysterectomy if I continued having certain issues regarding my periods. She replied with the whole "kids and regret" response. I prefer to prioritize my health over my ability to have children.

[@Swiss_Moonlight]

Hi Elle, thank you to let us take part of your jouney! When I was a child I was like a boy. It happened that people which didn‘t know me, told he instead of she. I had mostly short hears and, didn’t want to wear pink. I preferred to play Legos or with cars/trains and I would play cowboys and police with the boys in our street. I did also play with girls but I didn‘t like to play the mother and my interest for dolls wasn‘t that big. I never was this typical girl with long hair which likes to wear skirts. Seeing back, I was not really a self confident person and of course beeing different did not make it easier in school. Only after getting to know my husband and learning to accept me the way I am, it changed a bit and I became more feminin and more confident. I am now 42 years old, married since 23 years and happy! It took a while to understand that I don’t have always to fit in and please others. I will never been 0815 and that’s ok! If I prefer pants instead of skirts, the hammer instead the needle, informatic instead of makeup, thats ok as it is who I am - its me! Since I accept me the way I am, people do also! My message to you: Don‘t try to please others or change for their expectations! Be you! You are perfect the way you are/ feel and the world needs people like us which are a bit different and don’t fit in every box! Greetings from switzerland

[@Jade-pd3wm]

As a female i was always comfortable with being female.Periods made me proud as it gave me the choice over my body ie to have children or not. it never stopped me from doing all the things i enjoy like driving, riding a motor bike living on my own and being independent and doing them all well.If anyone had a problem with me as a woman. The problem is theirs not mine. I did have a son and being a mother is the most profound tough but amazing thing i have ever done. Being a woman is an incredible experience. Be a person first. Gender is secondary.

[@yes24__]

i’m female and always feel insecure about how men see me and even other women. it’s interesting to hear how you felt free as a man and how you didn’t care what anyone thought of your appearance. i wish everyone is able to feel that way

[@maxtaylor2395]

I just love your channel so much. You talk about the real stuff and I relate to every word. Thank you for sharing 💕

[@gpwil3847]

I am a guy coming at it from the other direction and finding this so facinating! The detransitioning women...are just so good at explaining the feelings we all have that seem to drive us toward identifying with the other gender...thanks!

[@cindymc4834]

I think it's good thing for you to talk about.. for alot younger people who are confused not know what's going on.. this will help them understand things they wouldn't of thought of cause the were so confused

[@BiggestChungus21]

I’m not going to be an asshole who claims to know the struggle of transitioning and de transitioning. I probably have the least to say about this, given that I am a straight man. But watching you coming into terms into what you really want to be and all of that jazz. I’m pretty sure you’ve helped a lot of people who are having doubts as to whether they really want to transition. It’s obviously not a one way ticket. I mean look at you, you’re a queen and all that. But some people go all hog on the transitioning. With the modern medicine practices today, people can undergo gender reassignment and that’s a one way ticket mostly. It’s great that you’ve shined a light on the struggles of detrans people. You’re doing God’s work.

[@valdez3245]

I very much appreciate your honesty, Elle! You’re a smart young person and I think you’ll be successful in life!

[@water594]

I can't remember much about it but I do remember reading about a re-transitioner. Like I said, don't remember much but there are others out there, even if this is not you. Thank you for sharing 💖

[@saltedcaramel1999]

hey elle! i’m a little confused about how you were comfortable living as a man but don’t necessarily see that as dysphoria being relieved? i’m wondering if you could possible make another video about this? :) also thanks for creating and sharing all of this content! ❤️

[@Sl1mch1ckens]

shes done videos about what cause her to transition, and said it those that a lot of it stemmed from escapism and her general mental health.

[@doubleboy2388]

I think that it wasn't so much the dysphoria that was causing problems. But more of the societal aspect of being seen as a man. To escape the mind frame and "baggage" that comes with being a female in the world today. That enough made her feel overwhelming relieved.

[@laurelviolet]

I really appreciate your videos. You have a unique and important viewpoint to share and I'm glad you are sharing it with the world. This was a very insightful video, especially for someone so young. You are looking beautiful and strong - don't fret too much about your voice, you are unmistakably a woman. 💜

[@89소피]

My goodness I keep forgetting ur 19-20!! I love listening to you explaining things.

[@ridam1185]

You’re a really important voice, I’m glad you are making videos, and honestly you’re rlly interesting to watch. I enjoy hearing what you have to say. :)) keep at it

[@kittymasks]

I once considered transitioning, but something you said really was the nail in the coffin for me changing my mind. I wanted to be seen in the world as a man because I was tired of being seen as a woman, but deep down I knew that I really felt female and I couldn’t change that. Even now, being referred to in a group of women sometimes does bother me, but I think it’s because of how I’m being perceived; I would have loved to be seen in the world as a man, but I know that it wasn’t truly who I was and I couldn’t force it.

[@adams.messinger4610]

You share so much wisdom for someone who is 20. I wish I had that kind of self-realization about happiness and being who you are at that age. I must warn though. Do not do the 24 hour twitch stream! That shit will break you for a week. There are so many streamers, seasoned partners, who I've seen tell horror stories of just 12-16 hour streams. The odds of the torture on your body worth being the reward is very low.

[@keysersoze4322]

Your videos are so refreshing, honest and generous. Wish you well.

[@megg.6651]

There are people out there who have shared their concerns about girls transitioning into males to escape what it means to be a woman in our society - and, unfortunately, they are being demonized. I am one of those people because I am a high school teacher watching my female students struggle with so many pressures. I want to thank you for your courage. I know you are helping so many girls who are struggling.

[@rodannnkekw2866]

I thought I was a man during 2 years, because I had a phase when I was a kid where I badly wanted to be a boy and then being told to surpress it. So then when a friend told me that they were going through gender identity issues, I started to think doubt about myself too. I can say I felt me being male, but after resolving some personal issues, I’m here saying that I’m a woman. I think that I pushed to hard to be a man, because it wasn’t that liberating, it felt good, but also stressing. But now I’m afraid, because I don’t know if I’m the future I will start feeling as a boy again. You are a strong woman, I really admire you.