The Best Thing For Baby's Mental Health Is A Well Rested Mom || Motherhood In Progress

[@simply.adriana]

I’m a sahm to two daughters (4 years old and 7 months) and I’ve never sleep trained. I definitely see how sleep training would be the best option if your mental health is suffering. If your child is up every hour, no one is getting proper sleep, etc., I would probably try sleep training as well. I also think it depends on how well you can manage the wakings. My 4 year old didn’t start sleeping the night until just a year ago, of course it was stressful at times but I managed and she ended up sleeping the nights on her own out of the blue. My 7 month old still wakes up a couple times a night, but it’s only for a minute so we’re not losing any sleep. I feel that lots of first time parents believe that their child should be sleeping through the night by 6 months or younger and that’s not realistic. It’s completely normal and expected for babies to wake up. Also night wakings/feedings is incredibly important for their growth and development and decreases the risk of sids. Some people also don’t know that if your breastfed baby wakes up to dream feed/rouse, they ARE sleeping the night. That’s how most babies connect sleep cycles. Even as adults, we don’t sleep the night. We wake up to change positions, go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, etc. So if your child wakes up at night and needs something, that shouldn’t be seen as a child who is unsuccessful at sleeping. Lastly, babies can’t manipulate you until they are closer to one years old. They don’t cry for fun or to get what they want. They psychologically cannot do that. I think sleep training should be a last resort if lack of sleep is affecting your daily life and parenting! However, I definitely think parents should do more research about child development and sleep in general.

[@marija2110]

One remark, I read in different sources that babies and toddler's can't manipulate much longer than 1 year, closet to 2.5-3 years they start to understand that other people also have feeling's and etc

[@muffinikola]

Hey, I think you misread some of the studies you linked. In one of them the cortisol level came back to normal in 30 minutes in ONLY 50% of the toddlers, and let’s not forget that people mostly sleep train babies. The other problem is with this ”short term cortisol levels” because we don’t really know how it is working with babies. The hormonal and neurological part of babies brain is just developing and it’s not as sophisticated yet as in adults, so we can’t just transfer research we made on adults to babies. It can be ok, it could be super harmful, we just don’t know 🤷‍♀️. In Europe the child psychologist are quite adamant that sleep training can be harmful, it depends on the baby temperament. And let’s remember that “sleep training specialist” aren’t doctors but businessmen / businesswomen and sleep training is a business, so of course they will say that every baby can be sleep trained and you just have to buy their course to know how to do it properly 😏. I think it is important to say how ridiculous it is how much we as society demand of parents of young baby, but I also think it is quite ridiculous that we demand that our babies just adapt to it. I think we should talk more about finding help in close family, friends or even hired help, because changing how your baby is wired should be the last resort not the first one.

[@maritaatiram8365]

Yes to this! ❤

[@joanagamafilho8077]

The same study that talks about the cortisol level is so badly designed that it can’t prove a thing unfortunately. There is no control group, so how can you draw the conclusion that it was the sleep training that raised the cortisol levels and not context itself (being put in bed by a total stranger in a clinic next to other babies and people you don’t know). There is actually another study, with a proper design, that measured the same and found that cortisol levels stabilized very quickly in all infants.

[@muffinikola]

@@joanagamafilho8077 Yes, and problem is that people are to complex and our surrounding to varied to make any studies relevant. One baby can have higher levels of cortisol because he/she was sleep trained other because it is teething and the third because it was a bad day and we just wouldn’t know because the babies can’t tell us what they think. So most of this kind of studies are just a mark of correlation, and we can’t really make any solid conclusions about the topic. And most studies declares it at the end, but of course it’s not clickable enough to write “ there was this this study made, it found some things but we know to little to draw any big conclusions so yeah…”, and unfortunately many people will read the blogpost instead of actual study. The studies confirm that most babies can be sleep trained, and it usually last around 3-6 months and then you have to do it again, but how it impacts they psychics? We may never really know. There is Australian clinic that specializes in research about infant sleep, they publish a lot of free studies and articles so if someone is interested in the topic I highly recommend it: education.possumsonline.com

[@joanagamafilho8077]

@@muffinikola I know the possum approach and have done their course. While there is good information there, a lot of their studies are too limited compared to others about sleep training. Their intention is good, but hard to refute larger studies. I also don’t believe in safe bed sharing. Anecdotally, I know someone personally who did the 7 safe blablabla and lost her son. Statically we also know that there is no bed sharing that can be done 100% safely simply because babies die from it. Period. So, the fact that Possum says it is ok to bed share makes me wonder what type of doctors they actually are. If you want agnostic and unbiased view of the whole Sleep Training debate and it’s implications I highly recommend this article from the New Yorker. Not only it is an amazing piece of storytelling it lays down both sides of the coin. www.newyorker.com/magazine/2021/06/28/the-promise-and-the-peril-of-a-high-priced-sleep-trainer/amp

[@muffinikola]

@@joanagamafilho8077 I wouldn’t say unbiased because the author used sleep training and by definition the articles are opinion-forming, but a good piece nonetheless. About possum I didn’t really mean they approach but they knowledge base, they have a lot of good research made and linked, with good methodology and meta-analysis. I’m sorry to hear about your colleague and her son, but if he died because of co-sleeping then she probably didn’t do it properly. If you, or someone is too scared or uneasy about co-sleeping then it’s ok, it’s just not for you/them but to be clear co-sleeping done correctly won’t kill babies, and studies proofs it ( www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2693166/ ). Furthermore there are studies that show that co-sleeping can prevent SIDS. There is this stigma around co-sleeping, mainly in US and Canada, which destroys a space for discord around it. Many families decides to co-sleep in secret because they fear backlash, and then they do it incorrectly and tragedy happens. Here is some info for everyone interested: Ball H. L., Breastfeeding, bed-sharing, and infant sleep. Birth, 2003, 30, 3; 181-188. McKenna, J., et al., Experimental studies of infant-parent co-sleeping: Mutual physiological and behavioral influences and their relevance to SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). Early Human Development, 1994, 38; 187-201. Task Force on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, SIDS and Other Sleep-Related Infant Deaths: Expansion of Recommendations for a Safe Infant Sleeping Environment. Pediatrics, 2011, 128, 5; 1030-1039. Okami P., Weisner T., Olmstead R., Outcome correlates of parent-child bedsharing: an eighteen-year longitudinal study. Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, 2002, 23(4); 244-253. Richard C. et al., Sleeping Position, Orientation, and Proximity in Bedsharing Infants and Mothers. Sleep, 1996, 19; 667-684. The Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine Protocol Committee, ABM Clinical Protocol #6: Guideline on Co-Sleeping and Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding Medicine, 2008, 3, 1; 38-43. cosleeping.nd.edu/controversies/in-response-to-john-rosemond/ www.nichd.nih.gov/sts/campaign/moments/Pages/2004-2013.aspx

[@nataliemccluskey1199]

can we talk about how sleep training doesn't even always work. I've talked to so many friends that say "we have to sleep train again when they get sick or are teething or going through a leap" so basically all the time. Safe Infant Sleep is an amazing resource for evidence on bedsharing and how people have slept with their babies over decades.

[@Jessssicadanielle]

“Sleeping through the night” is an annoying question and one that if often an uneducated question and one that comes with judgement. Those of us who choose to bed share or co sleep, know that our babies may be restless at points and take a few moments to fully fall back asleep... they also dream feed. Mine never fully wakes. Ever. I agree with another comment about getting the perspective from a mom who bedshares. I have struggled with PPD & PPA on and off through the past 10 months (more so around my period) but I show up everyday for my baby, teach him, read to him and I’m present with him. He is so happy and always ahead developmentally for his age. I was also raised with a severely depressed mother who neglected us. So I do see how a depressed mother is just plain not a good mother. I do miss having uninterrupted sleep sometimes. But I’m also in my 30s and chose to have a child when I did so maybe that’s why my perspective is different... I don’t know. SIDS is sudden infant death, not suffocation through bed sharing. The term is thrown around like bed sharing people are responsible for baby’s death. Or like most SIDS cases are from bed sharing which is incorrect. There’s the safe sleep 7 which is what should be followed if you do it. Sleep training is a big industry right now.. just comment on Instagram or Facebook about your child’s sleep and you’ll see a sleep consultant hop on to give their opinion lol. I do agree that everyone has to do what’s best for their family though. But I do think both sides should respect each other’s choices.

[@JimenezB385]

I felt it so deeply in my heart when you talked about simple things like a mom getting to use the bathroom before she picks up her baby, happens to me every morning I swear!

[@TimiSterr]

My issue with the whole sleep topic is that both sides feel too strongly about their method and the opposite one. No matter what you chose, you get called out. How about let the mom know what the options are and how to do it, pros and cons, and let her chose? Until there is no evidence that sleep training is actually damaging, why not use it? And damn, let moms cosleep for foxs sake! It's natural, it's easy, it can be done safely.

[@meditationformoms7449]

Agreed! Every mom and baby is different and there are pros and cons to all methods, it's about what works best for you and your baby.

[@ramblingcaroline2411]

Sleep training devastated my mental health worse than the incredible lack of and broken sleep. I also am of the opinion that comfort is a need of an infant and child, not a want. So in making sure that needs are taken care of, the emotional needs and well being of the child should be included, which they absolutely are not in sleep training. I'm now incredibly against it personally because it didn't work with our highly sensitive baby and it destroyed my mental health and sent me into a spiral of guilt that seeped into other areas of my life and which even months later I cannot escape. That being said, I have friends and family that have sleep trained who I don't think any less or more of. I don't think it should be a basis for judgement, good or bad. If anyone is at fault, it's not the desperate parents. It's the so called professionals (who are not usually qualified in any way), especially the ones that repackage the ideas of others for an insane price because they know that desperate parents make easy prey. If you know, you know. Edit to add that another reason against sleep training is the association with early night weaning, which is usually not recommended by lactation consultants. I've heard that sleep training can cause the mother's milk supply to fall and not recover. Obviously this doesn't happen to everyone and is not a concern for those who don't breastfeed, but it's still a common reason cited against sleep training. Sorry for such a looooong comment if anyone has actually read this, but it's such a big topic!

[@anne-marieroy2091]

You are putting words to how I feel right now. I needed to hear that I'm not alone. Thank you!

[@KarissaLissette1023]

First of all, Ash thank you for doing this video! I came across about 90% of the studies you mentioned here which is why we decided to sleep train. That coupled with the sleep deprivation for both myself and my baby. She would not sleep even RIGHT NEXT TO ME. There was a point I was getting 30 min stretches and she’d wake up crying again. The constant crying and lack of sleep sent me into a downward spiral. I was desperate. Sleep training wasn’t easy, in fact it was hard. But it took 2 weeks and all of ours lives significantly improved. She woke happy and rested and more engaged during the day. If I were to add up all the crying before versus during sleep training, she cried much more before. Comments like the above, I’m not arguing with because her mental health was also affected in a different way. I just hope Moms see these comments and decide to do what is best for them and their baby. If I’m not my best as a Mom how can I care for an infant. Thanks again!

[@paullehmann626]

I had 3 hard months with my newborn son, where he would wake up every 60-90 minutes. Fortunately, my husband would let me sleep additional 2 hours in the morning. My son started sleeping longer stretches on his own. And since 8 month old he sleeps through the 95% of nights. I would not sleep train a very young baby. They don't have object permanence, they don't know that you are next door. For me the highest priority was, that my baby felt save, dry and full!I hope, that this is an investment in his future, so that he always feels secure and loved. When your child is old enough, has proper ways to soothe himself, is not hungry during the nights anymore and knows that your never abandon him, then you can sleep train.

[@kristenmoore8359]

I really appreciated this! A fellow bed sharing mama to bounce off of would of been really intriguing as well. I bed share with 8+ hours of sleep every night and baby never really cries- but I do miss the bodily autonomy. Both sides have their sacrifices! Thanks for the all the work that went into this video!

[@tnicole902]

We bed share! We are about to transition out of it soon. I just ordered a twin size futon/mattress to put on the floor next to our bed so I can still nurse him to sleep. We are hoping it goes well and then we can eventually move that across the hall into his own room.

[@dizzlecookie]

We've been bed sharing too! Because I'm breastfeeding and we need sleep (and in our current living situation we have to share a room with baby girl). She's 9 months now and sleeping longer so I'm trying to start putting her in the sidecar crib for naps.

[@morganunraveled]

this is so well put together, informative, helpful, and validating. and the social pressure is so accurate - I felt like I was supposed to sleep train but it didn’t feel right for me. so I gave up really quickly and would much rather comfort him. I would much rather safely cosleep. most people are judgmental of it & pass judgment but I would never do anything to endanger my son, and I personally feel like letting him cry it out would be more harmful for both him and I. but I don’t want to have to explain this stance or choice to EVERYONE yet its ALWAYS the first question. “hows he sleeping? have you tried sleep training? just let him cry it out” 🙄 why does everyone insist on telling moms how to mom? there’s no one right way, and every baby is different with different needs.

[@madiArabella]

I’ll be honest with you, I found your channel when I was pregnant with my first pregnancy! Sadly I lost my baby that time. And I found it really hard to watch your videos but decided to stay subscribed :) and I’m glad I did. I’m now 17 weeks + 3 with my rainbow baby and so far no cramping or anything!!! I found out super early (2-3weeks) and I searched high and low for your channel ! I’m so happy I stayed subscribed to you! You have been so helpful especially to me a Canadian girl also (MooseJaw Saskatchewan) who is on a cheaper minimal lifestyle!! Thank you thank you!

[@taylorswf23]

I resisted for so long. At 8.5 months I’d had regular breakdowns and knew we couldn’t go on like that. She slept through the night without waking the very first night. Life. Changing.

[@elizabethcronsell9301]

My baby is 8 months old. What method did you use?

[@taylorswf23]

@@elizabethcronsell9301 we decided on full extinction after checking in seemed to rev her up and prolong the protests. I won’t sugar coat it, it was hardddd: I did chores outside because her cries made me very anxious. But at the same time she was sleeping well for the first time ever once she got down so that kept me going. Other keys: full blackout curtains, getting her schedule right. Previously we did 7am-7pm, but when we shifted her to 7:30-7:30 things improved.

[@elizabethcronsell9301]

@@taylorswf23 thanks for the reply. The check ins seem to escalate my daughter's distress too, even with spacing them out like with Ferber.

[@kinseyjohnson4341]

Wow interesting to hear. I am considering sleep training because my son just turned one last week and I have been struggling with breakdowns. My son will rarely sleep 5 hours with 1-2 hours each stretch afterwards, sometimes 3-4 hours with 1-2 after. But it's typically every 2 hours, or 1.5 or 1. Lots of teething and separation anxiety at this time of course. But he has never slept well for nights or naps so I am starting to consider it but feel so guilty and on top of that I will miss night feeds as tired as I am... It's so confusing. Interested to hear your experience and any other moms in this type of circumstance

[@tnicole902]

I think we went way off track when we started ignoring mother's instincts and instead replaced it with men's advice.

[@angelahodgins2118]

Aaaaaamen.

[@eviescotia]

👏👏👏👏👏

[@AshleyandChris]

Happy to see you post! I noticed you hadn't posted for a bit and was hoping you were doing okay. Sitting down to fully listen to this episode of Motherhood in Progress, this series has definitely been helpful to me so far, and I'm looking to start sleep training my little soon, or what my options are. I'm looking forward to your opinions and research. 😄

[@victoriaaguilar979]

Such good timing of this video! We are planning to start sleep training in a matter of days and I’m a little nervous. I really appreciated what you had to say, on both sides of the issue. I know in my gut that this is what needs to happen for our sake and our baby’s, but it’s definitely a heated topic and I have been guilt tripped a couple times by moms who are against it. In the end what you said about doing what works for YOUR family, is so true. 💕

[@erinshannon1114]

Thanks for covering both sides of the conversation! I did a modified cry it out, and it has saved me. It took three nights and now we are all sleeping better! I was becoming anxious and unhappy due to lack of sleep. I'm also the daughter to a mom that has suffered with depression for my whole life. It really impacts you as a kid. Her depression caused her to be unable to be the mother that I'm sure she wished she was. This is why I'm a big advocate for mother's prioritizing their mental health. If you're severely lacking sleep, a few nights of sleep training can possibly make a world of a difference for you if that's something you're open to trying.

[@elizabethcronsell9301]

What method did you use? And do you feel it's changed your baby at all? I can relate to your story , I'm just afraid to take the step. Thanks

[@erinshannon1114]

@@elizabethcronsell9301 We used the 5-10-15 method. Although we rarely had to go to 15. We went into the room to comfort without picking up. The first night was easy for us, second night the hardest, and then by the third night everything started to come together. This was just two weeks ago and since then I've only had to enter the room once. We got into the habit of feeding everytime she woke during the four month regression. I waited until she was 5.5 months to start as I was hoping she'd just start sleeping longer stretches again like she did at 3 months. I was also unsure about doing it as I didn't want to hear her cry or make her sad. My husband and I chose to start over a long weekend so we could try and nap during the day if it was exhausting. I don't feel like it negatively impacted my daughter or our relationship at all. It was certainly hard to hear her cry but I knew she was fed a lot during the day and that adapting to a new routine is hard. She smiles every morning when we get her from her crib and nothing about her interactions with me have been impacted.

[@elizabethcronsell9301]

@@erinshannon1114 thank you for replying. This is really encouraging. I have a lot of the same fears. Am also feeding my daughter every single time she wakes, and was hoping she'd return to sleeping through the night also. But, nope... every 2 hrs and no settling by herself. So reading your experience is super helpful...TY

[@annacolio6520]

This is perfect timing. My baby just started the 4 month sleep regression and I've been overwhelmed with alternatives on how to handle it. Thank you for normalizing the plethora of options we all have for every type of mother/child/parenting scenario. No "one-size-fits-all" and that's ok!!!!

[@elsaiggiotti1375]

I think you confused SIDS and suffocation here: yes, co-sleeping can lead to suffocation if it's not done safely, but research has shown it actually reduces the risk if SIDS (read that in Dr Sears' Attachment Parenting book), because sleeping close to a parent helps babies regulate their bodily rhythms. I used to confuse SIDS and suffocation too, and it really clicked for me when I realised they were two different things 😊

[@sarahread2036]

We tried Ferber at 6 months and he was not ready. He was so distraught after 10 minutes we decided it wasn't for us, and carried on waking up with him a couple times a night for another 6 months. At 12 months we tried again using extinction for both night sleep and naps, and to our surprise, the nature of his fussing was totally different and he fell asleep after 15 minutes. It's only been about a week but that first night was the longest he's cried and he is doing a great job learning to settle himself. We've had a couple night wakings but he has mostly slept through the night since. No regrets for how our first year went and also no regrets for trying again once he was ready.

[@hannahesperance6401]

I used a book called babywise (I think it’s an old book? I mostly used the schedules and wake windows in it) to help sleep train both of my kids. It slowly eases you into things and has more of an emphasis on the daytime schedule which helps make sure your kids have good naps and are getting the nutrition they need during the day so they are less likely to wake at night. I formula fed both of my kids as well, which helped so much with not only my happiness and sleep, but also my children’s happiness and sleep. I never once had to use cry it out method. It’s funny because people tend to assume sleep training is selfish and is only for the parents, but good sleep is so important for babies too. Establishing good sleeping patterns is GOOD for your children not just for you. However, with all that being said, the beauty of being a parent is that YOU know your kids and you get to decide what works for you and your family and what’s best! When it comes to sleep training it’s your kid and your family! I have no judgement towards anyone who does things differently then I would!💕

[@heidiadkins4871]

I can not. Not in a million years imagine abandoning my infant to cry it out. He wakes up every hour. Has most of his life. He is 11 months old. Cosleeping makes sure we get as much sleep as possible. The people leaving their children alone while they go outside so they can’t hear the crying…. Something seriously wrong. Crying let’s us know something is wrong with baby. Can’t imagine the guilt someone could have if they baby died because of an accident happening because they were”outside bc they couldn’t handle hearing them cry”

[@maritaatiram8365]

100 % agree! Ferbers method is dtill cio 😭

[@Jessssicadanielle]

I agree! My husband and I talk about how can a parent be okay leaving their baby to cry ALONE while they ignore it because it’s stressful on THEM?! Imagine what the poor baby is feeling. It’s one thing to say for your mental health you need to sleep train or you can’t function in the daytime.. but to just literally leave them when they are screaming.. no one can say that won’t affect them long term 😢

[@duniaus]

The history part is quite interesting. I didn't sleep train my now 1 year old, I can't stomach cries even few minutes. All I want is cuddle my little one.

[@AttorneyVZLA]

Not for me 😅 tried a few times, and after no resisting our baby cry, we changed his crib on his room, to a full mattress on the floor of his bedroom 😅😅 Me and this buddy love night snuggles 🥰 Fun thing is that I life in Texas, but I’m from Venezuela, and seeing bedshering parents was normal for me. When I had my child here, everyone pressure me so much (married to American) to Not do it that for the risk of SIDS, and that made me feel very insecure and scare. But now, after understanding better my child’s needs, I’ve learn to enjoy the process of growth, and to be with him as long as we want us to be. My husband doesn’t sleep with us. I just move to his bedroom when the baby wakes up. Love the information!!! I love the podcast, keep it going 💕🥰

[@veronicaelise5120]

I sleep trained the moment baby came home because she had her days/nights switched. It worked very fast. Within days she was going to sleep great, and by 8 weeks she was sleeping through the night 9 hours. My baby is happy because she sleeps so well, and I am way happier as well. I have the energy and patience to be a loving, fun and calming presence to her during the day. I definitely believe that the mothers sanity is just as important because it allows us to give our best to our babies. On the days she has an off night and I don’t sleep as well I notice a huge difference in my own ability to parent.

[@Yesi12908]

I have a 10 month old baby who would sleep all night (sometimes would wake up once) newborn to 8.5 months. She would sleep in her bassinet and then her crib. At 8.5 months she went through a sleep regression and started waking up multiple times a night and refused to sleep in her crib. I tried sleep training twice and was not successful. She was so distraught and cried non stop for about an hour. I could do that to my baby. I decided sleep training was not for us and now we co-sleep. Honestly my baby girl will only be this little once and she loves cuddling with mama. Also breastfeeding at night is so much easier. The point of this is to say if you choose to sleep train that is great for you and if you choose not to then that is also great for you.

[@liz-hm6wi]

Allowing a baby to cry themselves to sleep and not be soothed definitely is a big reason why so many ppl are emotionally damaged. we should be focused on community not this capitalist consumerist patriarchal society in my opinion. And of course a white man wanted a child to “cry it out” 😭😭 so evil.

[@AC-dd4tr]

Thank you so much for touching on maternal health! That is so often left out of the conversation. It's like society, and even our doctors, thinks we stop being humans with basic needs when we have children, and the sacrifices of our well-being always disproportionately falls on mom/primary caregiver.

[@katieh5757]

I usually love these motherhood in progress videos. I didn’t love this one. “Depressed mothers aren’t good mothers” that’s a very very very damaging statement. I have been struggling with low moods and depression for my whole post partum but I do everything I can for my son and he is so happy and healthy. I constantly have to talk myself up with statements like “you’re a great mom, you got this” and to hear someone I respect just up and say that a depressed mom cannot me a good one hurt more than I expected. :(

[@isabellegagnon3146]

Absolutely agree, so sorry you were made to felt like less than an amazing mom 💙

[@AshleyEmbers]

Hi Katie, I’m so sorry i came off so strong. I realized in editing that my language was a bit harsh and I did try to clarify right after I said it. I meant to say that depressed moms usually have less time and energy for their kids. I shouldn’t have said they’re bad moms and I should have taken that part out.

[@emileeengelhardt9373]

As a mom with ppd, she isn’t wrong. Sleep helps with depression and helps you be more mentally and emotionally available to the child

[@Jessssicadanielle]

You’re clearly an actively involved mother despite your depression. There’s a difference between a depressed mother who still gets up everyday and is there for her child vs a mother who stays in bed all day and neglects her children. I was raised with a mother who did the latter. So in that case I would say a depressed mother CAN be a bad mother. I too have struggled with PPD but I get up everyday and show up for my son. He’s also the happiest baby.

[@TashtheStarCrossedStitcher]

I sleep trained. And honestly, it made such a massive difference to MY mental health. It was a lifesaver. That number you gave of stress dropping from 70% to 10% feels completely accurate to me. Thanks for the video. Hope you're all well :)

[@alinadeglymes8787]

Brave of you to tackle such a hot topic. I can tell you are passionate about maternal health as well as a loving mommy to your son. Crazy how I feel the need to clarify that you can be both...haha. There's too much pressure on mommies to be making perfect choices according to someone else's standard of good motherhood. The more I've leaned into trusting my instincts and drowning out the noise from both sleep training experts and anti-sleep training experts, the more happy I've been as a mommy. Own it, mommies! You're the best mom for your baby!

[@becky61194]

I’m a big believer in sleep training, just because in my opinion, the most important thing for a healthy baby development is a healthy, stable and happy mother. I tried the Ferber method, but it didn’t feel right for me or my baby. We ended up hiring a sleep consultant and doing a very gradual process that took two months. The method was a combo of pretty much every method in the book that caters to baby’s cry. It worked amazing and today we have no problems at all. On top of it I feel like it changed my baby from a fussy, quick to cry and difficult baby to a playful, happy and sweet girl. Will definitely recommend it to any exhausted parent.

[@scarlettkelley3372]

Great video! We sleep trained and personally it was the best thing ever! Another good topic would be baby led weaning. You've touched on it in some videos, but that's something I've found interesting. We tried it with our son and got too freaked out by the gagging, but I really wanted it to work.

[@MaliVlogs10]

Thank you for taking the time to research and discuss sleeping options for moms and infants. Initially my son slept in his bassinet bedside then eventually and since I was breastfeeding, he coslept. Cosleeping raised my anxiety bc of possible rolling over him or SIDS so he graduated to his crib in a swaddle after using the cry it out method for about 2 days.

[@darbirhian]

I had two kids and didn't sleep train either of them. I used to work nights and was accustomed to a strange sleep schedule for years before I had them. I found they slept through the night between 7-8mo, when they decreased the amount of milk they drank and were decently established on foods. I literally did nothing to get there.

[@zeiseleh]

I was waiting for you to make a video on sleep training and I'm so glad it's out! I'm in the midst of doing sleep training research for my 7.5 month old. It's been a process. Thank you for this video. Sweet dreams for all 😴

[@madelinecadieux7636]

Personally I think teaching independent sleep is important and sleep training is an efficient way to teach a baby. Some babies learn on their own how to self soothe and only minor intervention is required. I truly don't believe there is any right or wrong way to do things, it's about what works for you and your child. Some parents don't mind rocking their child to sleep for years but for others it's just not doable. As parents we are largely left on our own for these things! My own journey with sleep training has been positive.. We had a bedtime routine from 6 weeks and that definitely helps. I didn't have the same for naps, but I wish I started that sooner.. I did try gentle methods first (for naps) but my baby just screamed and it was really hard. In the end, leaving her to fuss on her own worked the best. Since she can now fall asleep independently, everything is much easier. I feel happier, she is a happy, well rested baby, and I am a better mum.

[@joycevanhattem2014]

My baby (5 months) started sleeping through the night quite fast, around 2 months. I didn't have to do anything, very lucky me. But she refuses to nap a lot of the time. She falls asleep while drinking her bottle, playing and her favorite one is when I rock her to sleep. I'm a single mom by choice and I am at home, so this isn't really a problem for me. But I would like her to fall asleep on her own in her bed, but most of the time that isn't the case. But I cannot hear her cry, I tried gentle sleep training for naps, but I just can't. I'm hoping that she will start to learn to fall asleep on her own from the times she falls asleep while playing, and if that isn't the case, then I will have to start to sleep train. But from people around me I hear that I'm spoiling her and that I shouldn't rock her to sleep and such. It's hard when you try to do everything right by your child and I'm scared I'm doing it all wrong, mom guilt is a big thing for me. Love your channel and this topic couldn't be more relatable for me right now!

[@atiakhursheed]

I had such a difficult time as a FTM, and a baby who would not at all lie down to sleep, like she had to be held all the time !! Till like 3 months, and the fact that I could lie down beside her and she could sleep through was big enough ! So, I am obviously co- sleeping because my baby has big issues even with like naps, she'll wake up in half an hour if she doesn't have any human contact - like her dad or me. Now at almost 10 days to 9 months, I've gotten my first 1.5 hour independent nap in the day, but night time is still co sleeping and that too while being breastfed Sometimes, I just look around and I'm like man I wish my baby could sleep on her own, but I remember the time she wouldn't even lie on the bed, except to wake up in 5 mins and I used to be up all night, or sleep while in a sitting position for like atleast 2 months it was crazy......I thought I would remain an angry mad zombie all my life back then... So that way I've come a far way with co sleeping and I'm happy and grateful....

[@RobertaStonequist]

yay for this video 🥲 is love to see one just on the co-sleeping topic and also loved the history portion! it’s so great to see where the modern influences originated and for what reasons. love this content 😊🙏🏼💞

[@stephanieruddock1386]

I haven’t had a chance to watch yet but am excited to! I had a very strong opinion on sleep training before I had kids (very for it) and my perspective has changed a bit since having my second child. With both of my children, I attempted some type of sleep training and had period of success. However, with both of my children the success was always short lived. After training, they would sleep well for a week or two, then some type of issue would crop up (illness, teething, leap) and they would begin waking at night again. Even without feeding or rocking back to sleep or any form of physical contact, they would continue to wake for reassurance in any form until I would sleep train them again. This cycle continued to the point where it felt I was sleep training about once per month. My older child (3.5) had been much more difficult with sleep and has a lot of sleep anxiety, and I think it is due to sleep training. She feels fear and anxiety thinking that once she is in bed, she will be alone until morning. Recently I have found some success with letting her leave her door open and a sticker chart for nighttime success. My son just turned a year and I was a lot less strict with sleep training, but have done some form of training where we would end with success again for a week or two until an issue would crop up. I personally don’t feel okay leaving a sick or distressed child alone to cry for very long periods, so I would essentially undo the training and have to start over again with him. I have accepted that sleep training is not a way to solve sleep problems forever. It does help, but in my experience the more firm you are about it, the more issues it can create later depending on your child’s temperament. A child who does not feel secure who does not feel like their parent will be there when they need them will not be able to sleep well. I have a lot of guilt about this problem with my daughter, while also recognizing some of it is their temperament. I do respond when she needs me but I used to see “needs me” as only when she was sick or extremely distressed but the fact of the matter is that isn’t the only reason children need reassurance. I also was very strict about her nap schedule and very obsessed with sleep in general with her, whereas with my son I let him nap in my arms and focused on bonding with him as an infant. I credit this to the fact that he feels secure enough to be a better sleeper than my daughter ever was and is. Building up their confidence and security I feel is crucial to their sleep later in life, and I am sad I did not do that with my daughter. My parents were very strict with sleep as a child (I was NEVER allowed in their bed and they did not comfort me at night) and I spent many nights wandering the house afraid and alone, or I would bring a pillow and sleep outside their door when I was really afraid just to feel safe. The fact that they ignored me at night did not “teach” me to sleep alone, it just taught me to be quiet and deal with the fears alone. As an adult I still struggle with sleep. Anyway, I am very interested in this topic and thank you for covering it!

[@Sarah.g.carter]

I'm a breastfeeding mom and we do co-sleep every so often. The midnight feeds are SO easy that way. I often co-sleep from the first four hours of his sleep and then when he wakes up to eat again he's still half asleep. so he eats himself back to sleep and then I just transfer him to the bassinet. Once in the bassinet he only sleeps in about 2.5 hour increments so sometimes I bring him back to my bed, but its getting better. He's only 3.5 months so I'm not sure concerned yet but I think we will try some sleep training by 5 months because I'd like my bed, time, and husband back :P

[@meyernatasha43]

My baby slept in his own crib since day one. We have had no issues so far.🥳😁He is 3,5 months now and sleeps 8 hours every night.💚🥰

[@genevieveevans7307]

So many controversial topics on sleep these days, I love how you discussed every point of view. I feel like there is no correct way, it's all about you and what fits with your baby. Like 'they' always say, every pregnancy is different, every birth is different, every baby is different and so it should be expected that every parenting style is different. As long as baby is happy and healthy that's ultimately all that matters. As humans we evolve as time goes on, sleep training is a tiny part of our lifespan. 😊

[@elliekelly3331]

Some clarification about the evidence on neglect you mentioned: these studies were conducted in abandoned children in Romania, whose Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu passed several decrees in the 1960's to boost the population size by fostering and forcing pregnancy and births. Many children could not be supported by their families and ended up in institutions with harrowing conditions. This kind of extreme chronic stress indeed seems like it can by no means be equated with sleep training.. 'Romania's abandoned children' by Nelson, Fox & Zeanah provides an accessible summary of the findings

[@sarahkrauss3329]

We sleep trained our baby at 5 months old by using Taking Cara Babies course. Possibly one of the best decisions we have ever made - for me, my husband, and our baby! It is tough for a few nights but it is worth it.

[@jessicadrawsthings]

"It's never mother's health." haha so true! We went back and forth for way too long about sleep-training until we finally did at 7 months and I wish we had done it sooner! I understand it's not for everyone, but I highly recommend it :)

[@jessicadrawsthings]

There is a fantastic book that talks about that Russian orphanage study. The book is Crib Sheets by economist Emily Oster. It made me feel so much better about sleep training and was the last thing I needed to follow through with it.

[@jessicadrawsthings]

OMG I'm so glad how passionate you are about the mom's mental health. I feel the same! I get mad that mother's are constantly told to sacrifice themselves (not be able to sit down and eat, not be able to use the bathroom alone, not be able to sleep-train, etc.). Those shouldn't be goals and glorified!

[@kirstiegaver7953]

We currently live in a one bedroom so we are cosleeping. He has his own bed but it doesn’t work very well when he can see/hear us. I really can’t wait till he has his own space when we move but the older he gets (almost 1.5 yrs) I feel the harder it will be.

[@camillerijess]

I've co-slept since 4 weeks because my daughter only wanted to sleep whilst being held and I just rolled with it. I did my research obviously about how to do it safely, and was surprised to find that the risk of SIDS whilst co-sleeping is only elevated if it is done incorrectly or the parents are overweight, smokers, or inebriated/medicated. Otherwise the risk factor is the same as for babies sleeping on a separate surface to their parents. Some argue co-sleeping may even be safer because the parents can sense if their baby stops breathing, and also that newborns can better regulate their breathing when they are next to their parents. Either way, co-sleeping is totally natural and how the majority of the world manage night times with their baby. That said I don't advocate it for anyone who is uncomfortable doing it and if you do want to co-sleep you should do your research. But for me it has worked great. My baby slept 4/5 hour stretches overnight as a newborn and was regularly sleeping 7+ hours from 4 months when most people are dealing with the first dreaded sleep regression. Also, even if she does have a more wakeful night (which often happens during growth spurts, teething, or developmental milestones), having a breastfeed is usually enough to put her straight back to sleep and whilst, as you say, this is 'fractured' sleep, it doesn't make me feel more tired in the morning then if she slept through. Putting her on the boob barely wakes me, sometimes I don't even remember it and my husband has to tell me that she had a middle of the night feed. Sometimes I worry about how I will ever transition her out of the bed or wean her... but she is only 13 months old and I figure, like most other things I have worried about as a mother, it will all work out with time and patience and flexibility. As I read somewhere, no 15 year old needs to breastfeed to sleep through the night (at least I hope not haha!) EDIT: I just wanted to add that I have no problem at all with sleep training (as long as it is done gently and respectfully), and I wasn't opposed to it myself I just have not needed to yet. But I have some friends who needed to and possibly should have done it earlier for their own sanity. There is a lot of resistance to it, similar to the resistance to pain meds during birth, which goes along the lines of 'toughing it out'. Whatever works for you and your baby. They say 'happy wife, happy life' but I think it should be 'happy mum, happy every-damn-body-else' haha.

[@AlliyScott]

I think something that is not considered enough in the sleep training vs not argument, is the babies actual sleep and quality of sleep. People can be so quick to judge you and tell you to suck it up and wake up with your baby all night long, but waking up all night long is not good for them either.

[@miamiller8781]

the way i see it is you are made with an instinct for a reason and if you have to ignore an instinct its not for good. also most cultural change post industrial revolution has been somewhat harmful to us in the long term. im somewhat surprised you hadnt mentioned learned helplessness before the point I typed and posted this around 20ish min. As for the mothers health its just a matter of following your most pressing instinct. you mentioned the guilt of a bladder vs getting rook, in that case the bladder is more urgent but obviously a more urgent cry can cause you to temporarily forget your bladder and thats when baby care instinct is greater than bladder if that makes sense. its important to research but in the end of the day our brains are programed to know what to do.

[@alartlart]

Another great video! Love this series. I didn't strictly sleep train using a program but I did make sure I had a structured morning/night routine, I do a tiny bit of cry it out and not gonna lie it sucks! But at 8.5 months baby is sleeping through most nights and has been since about 6 months. If she wasn't a good sleeper I probably would do one of the sleep training programs because not being able to sleep really messed with me. I 100% was a worse mother with less sleep. I'm sure some ladies out there are crushing it with 4 hours sleep or broken sleep, but I am not one of those ladies. I cringe pretty hard and how insane the anti-sleep training people are. Gives me crazy vegan vibes. I'm not for or against sleep training! Folks gotta do what folks gotta do. Not even every kid is the same! You may sleep train one and another may sleep through well. People too crazy.

[@princesspinkie1661]

I havent sleep-trained yet, but I'm still getting her bedroom built. 6 months old and she will go to sleep around 11 (10-3) and sleep until morningish. Thats good at the moment, right?

[@irinagaraiacu2217]

The orphanages you mentioned were in Romania. Very sad... I am currently co sleeping with my 3 month old and really enjoying it, she's a very happy baby, doesn't cry too much if she does it's pretty easy to figure out why, and very rarely cries at night.. Some nights are harder of course, I feel like maybe sometimes my sleep is not very deep, but being close to her has been really good for my mental health and my connection with her. I am very grateful I have the time to dedicate to her, and don't have work responsibilities yet. I am planning on slowly moving her in her own room on a montesorri floor bed around 6-7 months. But we'll see if it works out and we are both ready.

[@jayceeheart8641]

The statement you made about depressed mom is not fair. Many women suffer from the post partum yet are still caring and loving for their newborn..

[@ataratanen5059]

I love this series! Thank you for talking about these difficult topics! You would probably enjoy Emily Oster’s writings as a source for future videos (if you haven’t heard of her already)- she analyzes data on many topics in parenthood and presents both sides in a very unbiased way.

[@macairaking4102]

Wow. Great video! You do an amazing job of keeping things neutral. Loved this. Thanks!

[@Sarah.g.carter]

I love your take on things. I appreciate these chats and your research.

[@calicedetamarack]

Commenting after just seeing the title. Yes. Yes. Yes. Decision making while traumatized and sleepless during that early newborn stage was not sound! For people who don't like the word "training", goes sleep "hygiene" good a long way!

[@wannuraleezwanmohamedrizal9561]

I'm from Malaysia and it is somewhat our culture to co-sleep with babies. I practice it. For me, it's easier since I breastfeed my baby I just whip out my boob when she cries and just nurses while we're both asleep. The downside of it is of course, I'm the only one who can put her to sleep. Now that she's 7 months she wakes up 2-3 times to nurse.

[@samn2695]

I took care of a baby where we couldn’t do the cry it out method because he would throw up and it became a safety issue because I didn’t want him to choke on his puke but also I would have to go in there and strip the bed and strip him and wash him up and it was just horrible. I got permission from the parents to stop doing that method and to rock him to sleep. The parents where not all for that method but we didn’t know what else to do and rocking him to sleep got him to sleep through the night. Then when he got to be a older infant he got a toddler bed so he still didn’t have a blanket, pillow, or stuffed animals because again safety reasons but I laid him in bed and patted/ rubbed his back until he feel asleep and that worked.

[@tarislav]

Hi Ash, i have one question that is bothering me. We are in the process of sleep training, and indeed it took us 4 nights for him to sleep through the night, BUT he still cries a lot when we put him down for sleep in the evening. This cries just didnt go away. Sometis he will cry for 5 min, but most of the nights he cries for 15-30min. We are 4 weeks in the process. So my question is, what is measured here when we say that it will work? I am just sooo confused and sad to hear him cry still for long periods before he puts himself to sleep.

[@jenniferstuart1228]

Love this video! You spoke on this subject very well girl! Also, yesssss to peeing before getting your child up 🙌🏻

[@df8067]

Great timing, im going through this. What do you do when they wake in the middle of the night? Do you go straight in or wait? I'm guilty of going straight in just to stop the noise at 1am!

[@Homegrownknits]

Wow thank you so much for making this video. Super helpful!

[@SanjaEN99]

I’m torn with this sleep training because my baby only cries during the night when he’s hungry, and this did increase in frequency from 2 ish to 3 feeds a night since he started connecting sleep cycles. If he’s not hungry and wakes up, he’ll be up for a while make some medium loud non crying noises and go back to sleep on his own. So I don’t know if sleep training means that baby has to sleep through a hunger need? I checked the feeding duration to see if it’s not for comfort and the duration would be as long any of his regular day feeds. So should I sleep train my baby to just have a 1 night feed after 6hrs at 5 mos despite his need for more food, or should I consider him being sleep trained because he can fall back to sleep on his own when not hungry? In general I’m all for sleep training.

[@37chrystals]

I guess I am confused about sleep training. My baby goes to sleep great! But he still wakes up after about 8 hours of sleeping for a feed. He eats and then goes back to sleep for another 2-3 hours. I feel like this is a good amount of sleep and I feel like it is understandable that he gets hungry after 8 hours. Would sleep training suggest that at about 5AM, I let my baby cry it out even though I know what he needs to go right back to sleep? What would this accomplish? I feel like my baby will grow out of needing this early morning feed as he gets older (he is three and a half months right now). Am I wrong about this? Would sleep training say that I should train my baby to wait the few more hours to eat so that he would be considered to sleep through the night? Whenever people ask me this question, I’m never sure what to say. Like, he goes to bed before I do, but he wakes me up before I am done sleeping if that makes sense. I guess I am looking for clarity both on what “sleeping through the night” means and if sleep training is only used to get your child to go to bed, or if it also counts for the baby waking up throughout the night. I would really appreciate any advice or knowledge people could share. Thank you!

[@annarocha3254]

That sounds like an awesome amount of sleep. If your child's situation is manageable for you personally, then there is no need to change anything regardless of what an 'expert' might say. I did tons of things that were not recommended (such as rocking my son to sleep every night for months), and my son now goes to sleep in his own bed without any rocking because that's what he very clearly signaled he wanted.

[@simplylovedandused]

Really resonated with this!

[@frankiebee2980]

It would be nice if both communities just minded their own business and celebrated one another’s success with child rearing the way that’s best for their family

[@eightstars]

Oh, I’m so disappointed by this video and some of the things you said. I’m anti-sleep training BUT watched this because I was curious to hear your perspective. To be clear, I’m not anti-moms who sleep train, I’m anti-sleep training. But I feel some of the interpretation on the studies you cited were misguided. And I (and every other person i know who chooses to forgo sleep training) don’t think if you take a moment to go the bathroom before you tend to your child that it means you don’t care for your child. That’s silly. Also, i found it incredibly offensive that you said a sleep deprived mother is more likely to be depressed and that a depressed mother isn’t a good mother. I read your response to someone else where you said that you should have left that out, but you did say it so it’s clearly how you feel. I have dealt with depression most of my life and as a result I worry I’m not a good mom. But that’s not true and it’s soooo damaging for you to say that and have mothers who are already struggling hear that. I’m sure you knew this topic may be polarizing within your audience, and I personally like hearing other perspectives so i don’t live in an echo chamber. But Jeeze, I feel like this was a swing and a miss

[@alartlart]

From the easy offence you've taken to this video sounds like you need more sleep lol

[@mjm5400]

How did you manage to sleep train while breastfeeding? If I go without breastfeeding for more than 7 hours at night, my boobs are soo painful. Also I'm afraid of affecting my milk supply.

[@felicianedzelschi1224]

I just „love” how the basis of sleep training, CIO and „spoiling” were written by men. Of course they knew better, duh.

[@Emkin111]

I have a three month old baby and he wakes up around 3 times through the night to get breastfed, does it count as sleeping through the night? 😄🙈 But he still sleeps in a baby bed that is attached to our bed, so maybe that's why he's not crying during the night. But I do want to sleep train him later when he will move to his own bed. Without sleep I become crazy 😂

[@maritaatiram8365]

That is completely normal behavior for a 3 month old. Sleep training is not a necessity, though. You can help your child by providing them with a secure attatchment, a good sleep environment and good sleep hygiene. Ferbers method is still a type of cry-it-out sleep training method 😔

[@oohheynicolle]

Sleep training is so harmful for babies AND their parents. If anyone wants a a resource that helps them without sleep training, I highly recommend Rachael from Hey Sleepy Baby.

[@mercyohlala8573]

Funny how parents that ST their babies are always trying sooooo hard to defend their decision. Really trying to make it make sense…. It’s actually funny…..likeeee, deep down they know how against their instincts it is but they’re still doing it 😄 ST is cruel - that’s all 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@maritaatiram8365]

Agree. No one will ever change my mind about this!

[@kendravoracek3636]

❤❤

[@Sarahhxox]

First 😊

[@katielottie9445]

Heyyyy 👋🏼

[@Life-ll1xs]

First