Emotional Gaslighting as Attachment Trauma

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@johnjohnson1681]

"fucks with your reality" yes thank you....

[@tanickasinclair7035]

@@johnjohnson1681 Hits the nail on the head, doesn't he!

[@woodyhill363]

Thank you for this!!!☝️☝️☝️💖💖💖

[@annehedelius9309]

Alan you need to write a book. I have never heard anyone explain attachment trauma with the sensitivity and knowledge that you have. Thank you

[@skywise001]

*nods* I have a Therapist friend Im going to share this with. Even if he knows this it will be great to share with people he sees.

[@ReynieLane]

Agreed. A book form of your knowledge and guidance would be an incredibly useful resource.

[@equalitarianbiologist2327]

Yes!! Please do wrote a book that can help families build foundation for emotional capacities and to heal any wounds that arise or had been built up from childhoods or later. 🧘🌅 🥰

[@itsallaboutnothing2672]

The book would be brilliant and very useful I would definitely read it.

[@rmokofsky]

Please please write all these videos in a book!

[@gabriellsbaby]

This is VERY refreshing! I was stuck in that "he's a narcissist" loop. Once I had a name for what was happening I threw up. I really thought I was crazy for so long, too long. My rational brain knew that I heard and experienced what I did, I was there, but another part of my brain was always questioning, "what if he is right and it didn't happen, he didn't say it, it didn't happen and I do twist things and make things up?" I ended up in therapy asking for help, I thought I had dementia, was damaged, negative, awful. Then I learned what gaslighting was. Then I got online and joined the angry mob of people who were victims of narcissist, and for a few minutes I felt better, well not better but validated. Then it just got uglier because now I had good blame. lots of it. Nothing happened, nothing got better, in fact it got worse because now I was really angry and vocal. I didn't leave I just stayed and blamed. I like how you try to help move people way from that spinning out place and into a place of power instead of a place of blame. Taking baby steps to reclaim myself, shore "me" up get strong, make plans and create a better situation for myself. Thank you

[@LGAdkins]

Thanks for sharing your experience!! I’ve had a similar enlightenment.🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@Portia620]

I think what he’s missing to tell us though is it’s the PTSD or the complex PTSD like what I have that keeps you in that anger I’m gonna share my voice state and it’s OK write a book throw it out there do whatever you need to finish your validation but meantime I agree with him you need to heal and not be stuck in that loop so that loop is important to get you to a certain point but you don’t wanna get stuck in it cause it’s no different than an abuse cycle just going over and over and over. I wish she would explain that more at least that’s how I feel it was for me you need validation then you can move on

[@loveoverflowing8978]

Basically same here, at this point i dont give 2 flips what their problem is. Im focused on my own healing and freedom from here on out.

[@magentagutenberg]

Don't worry about the colourful language... that is an absolutely fitting way to describe gaslighting. Thank you for your videos! Very insightful!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you Tanja. I'm glad you found this video insightful. Please know you are invited to join us in the membership community where we explore and chat about ideas and topics like the ones covered on my videos. If you haven't already checked it out, please do www.alanrobarge.com/community/

[@QuasiBlond]

Your empathy for all is so comforting.

[@EternalflameC.L.]

Thats why they say empathy is highest form of intelligence!

[@JJ-yu6og]

A gaslighter changes the color of someone eles's true reality in order to benefit the gaslighter's own life.

[@mitchrijkaard6757]

Yes they do. Happens in groups as well. And at the end of the day almost everyone does that.

[@leeboriack8054]

Or to entertain themselves.

[@ketherwhale6126]

Yes! That’s why it’s done. Your life ruined to allow their success. Topsey- Turvey thinking. Total projection.

[@sophia4852]

This is truly a healing video for both the victim and abuser to understand the dynamics of gaslighting to heal deep wounds.

[@beatsintime]

It is also good for new parents that were abused to no end and while they may not have the mental illness they have the auto response to shut down emotions. I have three babies and it is an everyday struggle to cater to their actual reality and I have just come to terms that my own mother was a covert narcissist and it has opened my eyes to my own abusing in this way.

[@polarbear7203]

Excellent description of gas lighting - loved how you looked at the non-deliberate aspects of parental gas lighting - basically emotional suppression. It's helped me understand why I struggled to feel anything most of my life and then why I went on to accept such overt and crazy making gaslighting within a narcissistic relationship. Thanks so much for these videos they're helping me through a tough time.

[@clarastait]

You nailed it Alan , " emotionally ignored" breeds shame , so sad.

[@annabizaro-doo-dah]

Oh wow that's so succinct. Exactly!!

[@user-sd5vi1bt6b]

You nailed emotionally ignored

[@ketherwhale6126]

Emotionally ignored- breeds shame! Wow.

[@lynnmcintosh]

TY.

[@marciareagan2718]

Something just clicked. I have a great therapist but the way you talked about this-hit me. My husband believes when a woman cries it is a form of manipulation and it enrages him. I have told him with kindness that I cry to emote. Period. That is the gaslighting of his own feelings. I can see things from a new perspective.

[@jmomma0530]

Finally! A video that isn't about bashing someone who is gaslighting. Some people do this sometimes unintentionally because of other deep seeded issues. My husband does this only when he slips into his addictions, but it doesn't make him a bad person. He has a struggle that not all people have, and others have different struggles. I choose to gently nudge with love and boundaries to help him come out of this behavior that he honestly doesn't want to have. Great video!

[@marinakukso]

i can attest to what happens to the child when the parents deny the child's emotional reality: it makes you crazy! it's especially bad when the child has an actual mental illness (depression in my case) and the parent insists they don't! so on top of the distortions of depression, i also had to (and still have to) deal with the mistrust of my own thoughts and feelings that i got from the parental gaslighting. anyway, i appreciate this video. thank you.

[@sevenseer1121]

This needs to be spread far and wide. Especially in mass media.

[@xenatron9056]

agree. It is appropriate.

[@maxpower6110]

Mass media is there for the purpose of controlling the masses. The last thing they want is for people to wake up.

[@claredodd1258]

Agree. It doesn't matter how it gets out there. Once it's out there it will go into the subconscious and then become the norm to talk about this stuff. That's the only way things are going to change .

[@AlinaAlineta]

And in the schools.

[@artandculture5262]

If you believe media is for sharing how to have mental health, you are in their bubble.

[@nicolearrington9489]

A man who knows his stuff and is freeing people like me by the masses! THANK YOU IS NOT ENOUGH, THIS IS INCREDIBLY HELPFUL ALAN!!!!

[@flip1980ful]

This was the most sensitive, kind look at my family structure. I know they didn’t hate me they just had no skills to deal with me. Other therapist made them sound so maniacal but they were only uneducated and grew up in a similar vacuum to the one created for me. Thanks. Im on the road to forgiveness.❤️

[@PositivelyLizzie]

flip1980ful 🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@jeanettem8304]

Thanks, my experience too - different generations, often unaware and hurt themselves with no support or acess to skill/education. Very sad in my family - helpless people doing the best they could with the hand they were dealt.....

[@simplyzay23]

You aren’t something to be dealt with you’re a human and your feelings are valid

[@thingsthatclick]

OMG... this is my family exactly!! True, there has been lots of generational trauma and I don't blame them, but it feels so good to finally be validated!! Thank you so much for your amazing videos, Alan!! It's taken me years to figure this out and you explain it so perfectly!!! Almost 39 and I can finally be free and not feel like I am the crazy one living in a family that refuses to feel emotions and I, as the empath, feel them for everyone. The last week has been both so happy and profoundly sad - letting our years and years of suppressed grief and sadness that's been seeping it slowly overtime, but I am finally ready to get to the core of it, and see my family for what it is - real, scarred humans with their wonderful qualities and their unconscious faults. Very very grateful for your amazing presence, energy, knowledge, guidance, nurturing and solution-driven content!!! Thank you for all you do!!! You are helping more people than you know!!

[@jram8555]

Your a genius in your teachings. You are spot on when you state Gaslighting FUCKS with your Reality. In my experience, it provokes RAGE and Anger as well. Especially after decades of dealing with it, and seeing it used on your own children. Keep up the great, great, great teachings and videos. Awesome job sir.

[@tanickasinclair7035]

My mother raised me in gaslighting and after years of one therapist and months of another - she STILL gaslights. Even after YEARS of me giving her multiple examples.

[@penelopelambson9128]

This so accurately and clearly describes my experience growing up. I can’t express what this message does for me. It kind of blows me away to discover that my feelings and confusions were/are valid, have an understandable, explainable basis. What a phenomenal insight so carefully and brilliantly delivered. I wish I had a hard copy of this.

[@Paarthurnaxdova]

I dated a dismissive avoidant for three years. Felt like God sent him to me/my soul mate junk so I stuck it out. He was non-communicative and extremely emotionally unavailable. If he upset me he would disappear and stonewall for days to months. If I tried to talk to him about my feelings he would tell me I “can’t remember true facts”, I was “never actually listening”, even though he never said anything, and that he “told me that several times already” when he never did. It made me suicidal!! I tried EVERYTHING to fix him! Finally left him thanks to Alan and his helpful videos. You can not fix anyone

[@heathercross6339]

I stumbled upon this video by serendipitous divine intervention. Thank you for being so real, so warm so funny and so kind. This was a great explanation about an issue I've struggled with for years, and it helped me know that things really can be ok. I loved your approach of focusing on understanding ourselves better, instead of finding ways to prove someone else is miserable. I feel like I just got a great big hug along with some enlightenment. Plus I love a well placed pop of color in language and any discussion of macaroni and cheese. Please keep continuing to do what you do. ❤️ you made my day.

[@RolandMillington]

This is hands down one of the best descriptions of what happened to me, and what that did to me, and what I am trying to break free from so that I can finally have a healthy relationship in my life. God bless you for explaining this!!!

[@beatsintime]

True story!

[@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767]

This is exactly what my my therapist is helping me through! It's this intergenerational pattern in my family, being afraid that if you feel difficult emotions they will drown you, and that there's no point to feeling them anyway, and the best thing you can do is look on the bright side and be happy again. My dad was teaching me to be human in the only way he knew. He was doing his best. AND it's taking a long time to heal from his best. It took me two years of therapy before I was able to get emotional in front of my therapist. Being unemotional kept people safe in my family for generations. It's happening though... I'm learning to trust and I'm experiencing this emotionally safe connection which is amazing. It's just happening... slowly. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading my diary (*double checks to make sure I'm posting this on my other account not under my full name) and thank you for this video and I hope you're having a great day.

[@RogueSpear17]

That is the best explanation ever. The effects of being gaslit or emotionally ignored eventually leads to the victim using the same patterns with loved ones to assert their own reality.

[@dawnannerdner]

Please, use the “colorful” language. It makes it more relatable to me. I like your approach. Very helpful. Thank you.

[@kellyodowd3949]

Why I now subscribe

[@tereseczimbal8099]

Unfortunately, he is aware that some people will possibly get offended and won't listen any further if there is "salty" language (religious beliefs or taught) especially if they truly need to hear this message!

[@drempel9983]

Thank you. I spent my childhood in my bedroom, no friends to visit or come over. I wasn't a good enough child to have that. I was aloud to go school but keeping friends was hard because I couldn't talk on the phone or spend time outside of school. I ate dinner at the table and did loads of house work and was often called out of my room to make drinks for my parents or popcorn. They still called me lazy and told everyone they knew I was a horrible person. I didn't speak unless asked a question and never ever stood up for myself, that made things even worse. Your video has opened me to understanding why. Something I've been struggling with all my life. I can't wait to watch more of your videos. Thank you again.

[@TashaWashington]

D Rempel me too. Literally everything you said. 😔

[@ChuangSarah]

Same here. I have 3 siblings & I’m the only parentified child. My parents are highly narcissistic & began molding me into a parentified child when I was 8, when my first younger sister was born. Even before that, I was extremely ignored by my parents & the whole extended family. For as early as I could remember, I was often left alone at home & they didn’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Then, my younger sisters were born & my life were just years of doing housework & taking care of my younger sisters because my mother didn’t want to be responsible for her maternal responsibility. Yet, my parents called me the lazy one. Unbelievable how similar our experiences are! Those ignoring, narcissistic parents/ family members are no good for you. The only way to heal is to go no contact.

[@mfcmxtt6490]

That is truly horrendous and I send love to that little child part of you, in that bedroom. 💖🦋 I am sorry you experienced that.

[@catbee1452]

Whoa, this is what I experienced too! No friends over, nothing but school/housework/church...never allowed to go out as a teen, she'd hang up on my friends if they called. My mom would make busy work so I would 'have' to stay home and complete it.

[@elizabethhenry7920]

My story is alot like yours I'm 34 I never worked IAM depressed level 10 daily how do I heal? How do u get on?

[@mermaid8935]

Enormous help to me! It make me understand that my parents are not "evil" just in denial of their own feelings and didn't have the tools to mirror us in our feelings. The damage is there in us all but I made my mind up to heal whatever the cost. The pain, shame, grieve, anger from waking up/coming out of the fog, living like a human shell, parallel next to people not in contact with them, is so much more acceptable than the emptiness, longing for what I guess is a relationship with myself. No wonder people with attachment trauma suffer! Thank you for another great video!

[@nikkilove6128]

"They are gaslighting themselves".... very interesting point Mr. Robarge! I remember how my ex would always say he's not angry when clearly he was.... or say "I'm a man!" When he was acting very immature.... its like he would say the opposite of what was actually going on as if I could not see what was going on.... gaslighting himself & me at the same time!

[@AllisonKhanAAK]

I love your explanation! My husband, whose father abandoned his family when he was fifteen, describes himself as "the happiest guy in the world." I could not understand that at all. What you are saying about men, totally makes sense. He has 2 emotions: happy and angry. People told me to say, make an "I feel..." statement to him so he understands how you feel, but this would make him veeeery angry. I just could not understand why this was such an trigger to make him angry. What you are saying explains it!

[@kristiworld]

My bf is similar. He has lot of issues, so eventually I went to councelling who suggested me to start saying 'I feel, I think, I don't agree' and my bf started blaming me being selfish and ignorant etc. Even tho the topics were about my personal life, so he got angry at me if I didn't agree with him what he thought I should do with my life. He wanted to live my life for me.

[@Angefluff]

Alan thank you for sharing this! You have absolutely hit the bulls eye on the issue of my emptiness all these years with my parents. I have always felt that VOID. I never knew what kind of void it was until last year when I plunged straight into depression and seek professional help and reading. Your video has deepened my knowledge on emotional deprivation and I really appreciate you doing this. Every minute was worth it. xx

[@mattybaesxp]

Wow. This makes it so clear what's been happening in my relationships. Thank you Alan, for all the love.

[@vivienlegeisha3425]

Wow. I love it how you don’t try to simplify the effect of gaslighting. Gaslighting in itself is already pretty hard to define and deal with, the effect of it on children is even more dynamic and complex. Thank you for this video!!!!

[@kimlec3592]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have no idea how helpful this is to me & i'm sure so many other people struggling to make sense of what's gone wrong in their lives. Again, Thank you.

[@sarahgorsuch1776]

This is brilliant! Thank you for a video that facilitates healing, rather than perpetuating resentment and anger. So refreshing! You articulate this so clearly , and it was very eye-opening for me.Thank you so much!

[@Sophie-et7qj]

This yt video came up on my feed and I resonated with it so much. I had my 2nd therapy session 2 days ago and my therapist said my parents are gaslighting me, like I agreed with her but a massive part of me feels weird about it, almost like I don’t really believe it, also what I connected most in this video was when you mentioned about your intuition knowing somethings off but your logical mind shuts it down, since I was a young child I would always say “what are you kidding from me” and then one day when I was 12 something clicked inside me it hit me and then my world changed and I questioned everything, my mind is a very conflicting hellish place to be, I’m 24 and I want to leave my immediate family but I feel so guilty bc I don’t feel like my reasons for wanting to leave them are valid, I feel stupid, bad, crazy, guilty most of the time regarding wanting to leave them

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video connected. I hear you about how these dynamics can be challenging to see. Many of us can relate. Thanks for the reflection and for sharing your experience. If you like this video then you may also like getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited. www.alanrobare.com/community

[@Sophie-et7qj]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thank you

[@elorrabrewer1543]

This is so spot on. I have struggled to describe what I experience. You have fully described my experiences. My eyes are so open. Thank you.

[@paulgrant7064]

How can someone explain a whole persons experience from childhood to adult relationship so accurately. Really comforting when feeling a bit confused by trauma triggers. Thank you Alan!

[@vv8134]

Helped me understand myself and recognise where I have hurt others . Glad to recognise so can change

[@creativesolutionsart-h3o]

My ex use to say...Who are you going to believe, me, or your lyin eyes?...epitome of gaslighting.

[@polarbear7203]

My ex, when challenged about what I now know was gas lighting would simply say "why would I make that up?" As if that was a real answer!

[@us4damons]

Mine would say, you don't remember that,?? Must be your Alzheimer's kicking in

[@eh4235]

My ex husband was too. He would skew my reality, pathological liar and I felt like a door mat. He would say I am crazy, that I don't remember what happened. I had a partner who was like that after, I learned exactly what this is. I can't stand these.

[@archetypalmuse]

lol my ex would gaslight me then accuse ME of doing the gaslighting. Absolute non-sense.

[@Somethingsomwthingdarkside]

Omg my boyfriend has said all those in this comment section

[@neelev5195]

really good and easy explained. Because of this I developed Depersonalization Disorder. I'm on the pathway to recover from my emotional abuse as a child and try to gain a strong sense of self that I was never allowed to have in childhood. By this I'm also trying to get rid of Depersonalization. lots of love

[@foggypebble5159]

neele Vo Good luck! The same thing happened to me. I had depersonalization even as a kid from being told to ‘rise above’ my emotions and that they’re not real- I slowly got rid of it recently.

[@michelevarady6071]

Holy Frickin Schmoly! I have been running in circles, scratching my head for the last 3 years. Bam! When I came across your video, while playing detective for my self, your words made me cry! I see it and I recognize so much! The pattern deepened, and new details appeared from my past. Now I see the past in connection to the here and NOW! Now I know why I feel like I’ve had the life ( what little was left) sucked out, and zapped. Now I feel empty, all the while when it started to happen. Thank you! Now I will protect myself and listen to my instincts….. again…. Try again. They come in so many different versions and wear so many different costumes. They can fool others’, but your own body knows that feeling of something being “off”.

[@AlinaAlineta]

💯💯💯👏👏👏

[@tifftreads]

Wow. This truly helped me so much. I've been putting on with my mom because I know she can never comfort me in my times of need for emotional support.

[@ricksutherland1861]

Wow, that was a very interesting and eye opening video. Never heard such a complex, important, and core concept put into such clear, encompassing, and thorough terms. Thank you for that! This explains much of my sense of being in the twilight zone both in my childhood and in my adult relationships, and even more importantly in my relating to what I'm feeling at times. It makes total sense to me now as if you put all of these parts together in a way that I can finally see the whole picture. Thank you Mr. Robarge for this work! Rick S.

[@alexandreaesteves]

As someone who has experienced this as a child and has had time to process some of this and learn and grow, I appreciate your approach here. Some therapists will validate your feelings by fueling your anger towards the people that have hurt you. Most people are missing the point that these people are hurt themselves and need help themselves, not a bunch of fingers pointed at them for being a terrible person. There are no terrible people, only people who need to heal. Thank you for this.

[@2legit2Kwit]

A man I've been dating recently told me that I'm "difficult to get along with and only talk about myself". I've never, ever been told this and I'm 44 years old. I have conferred with close friends and a couple exes who disagreed with that characterization. People who are insecure and defensive with a fragile identity definitely like to project! This man was severely abused physically and emotionally and had a stuttering problem and has 75% psoriasis all over his body. There's a lot of anger there and I simply won't subject myself to his angry projections. We are no longer dating.

[@theworldisgreenerandgreener]

I only have one comment: THANK YOU, ALAN! You are opening my eyes, my mind and my emotions to all these habituated behaviors and making me realize how they have shaped this self-questioning habit when I get in a relationship, and negative emotions or conflict emerge. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[@firefeethok_tui2355]

Man, the way you pull things together for us, “emotionally ignoring” as softer way to define gaslighting. Such a better way to make us see. Every time I think Ive watched one of your best videos, I see another one’s that got even better stuff in it. And I enjoyed watching you get excited talking about when people figure out how to emotionally connect, (when they wake up). We can see how true the information is bt watching you on video. That powerful. My third edit because what you said about the macaroni and cheese at the end I wanted to jump up and scream I’m telling you that is exactly the way it goes. This is my number two favorite video that I’ve watched so far.

[@Leonardo-vd6vs]

Finally an intelligent/competent in the subject matter/ sensitive/ passionate person on you tube

[@garimaheath]

Thank you Alan - I know exactly who grew up like this, gaslit since childhood.... by his parents - who are still doing it and still stuck there. Their entire family is disconnected and silent. They talk about the weather and travels - always superficial stuff. They are incapable of talking of ANYTHING that involves even a hint of emotion. Their idea of family time is sit in front of the tv watching some documentary that the dad picked, while mom is cooking in kitchen and son and dad each have a laptop in lap in mostly silence. It’s okay to talk about wine, and boast about sons’s many career achievements and dad repeating how proud of son he is. Never bring up politics, money, religion, spirituality, history, opinions.... NO, no no no.... you will be shut down. I now get why my ex-narc felt betrayed by me when I got very emotional 😭 when my purse was stolen. He was trained to never acknowledge or recognize emotions. He runs from them. Acknowledging weakness, sadness, lack of motivation- is disgusting. We don’t do that here. Deny feelings. Dad grew up with alcoholic dad until about age 10-12.... perhaps why he was taught to never feel feelings and never admit anything bad in life.

[@evaharris5239]

Sounds like my ex's family. It was like there was an invisible sign at the door: no feelings please!

[@phoenixd9679]

God Bless You ! Thank you for the best gift you just gave me , in few days I'll turn 61 and now I got it to my head so clear what I am going to do for my own health and life , I am escaping the narcissist mothers abuse to this day she is exactly how explain now it's up to me to take actions way late but I will with no guilt ! 🙏🏽💜

[@amyjackson9385]

My ex was denying there was something wrong when I identified our disconnection. After our break up I was initially angry about that, but now can see that he was avoiding feeling the pain and also avoiding delivering pain.

[@annejohnson8890]

The clearest, most complete and insightful explanation I have ever heard. It was really, really helpful; thank you!

[@dr.elizabethmarmaras3034]

I so appreciate AND honor the wisdom you offer, your courage to name it and share complex emotional concepts, ,your humanity, and your time. Deep gratitude!!!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work and efforts. Glad it is of benefit for you. I am often inspired from our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Deep, rich, insights are shared. I welcome you joining us. Learn more here: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@margomorton4372]

Hi Alan.I have only recently become familiar with this term gas lighting, i then started to research this to understand the dynamics in my own relationship. While exploring different videos i found it quite distressing the way people are labelled, the run for you life type of advice, and not much in-between. I found it disturbing. Im not saying those people don't exist but i found it all very extreme. I really want to thank you for your approach, i felt so much compassion coming from you, it was such a relief from the judgment tone :) It made so much total sense, and has opened me up to more awareness of my own childhood experience of this phenomenon and how i am possibly contributing unconsciously to this in my own relationship . Wonderful insight. Thank you

[@iceangel1701d]

Wow! I'm with Anne. You definitely should write a book. This was a very good explanation of some things that just didn't make a lot of sense from my childhood. I basically learned that anytime something was important to me but required effort on the part of anyone in my family, the answer was going to be no. Always just no. So when my needs never got met in my marriage...well that was just the way life is...right? Thanks for making your video with so much thoughtful effort. I learned a lot today.

[@Vanhal20]

Great video! Really put a lot into perspective for me about my husband and my MIL. She was (is) very self deprecating especially when her son and I first got married. She chose to completely ignore our happiness or any emotion of discontent we had with her about ignoring our relationship as if it never happened. She would always change the subject or play coy about things she has said that were hurtful. Couldn’t take responsibility for what she done or said but would apologize for being a terrible mother (she was/is not). She knows she wasn’t and was using it as a way to seek attention and affirmation to validate herself and opinions and in a sense say things like “well if I wasn’t a bad mom, why would you go against my opinion, do you not trust me?” Over and over again I obviously saw the pattern. Now that my husband and I have children I notice him do these things that you explain. He shames our sons for having emotions (6 and 8yrs old) it always bothers me and I stand up for the kids and try to warn my husband that things like this have LASTING effect on the children. It’s hard to get through to him because this is how he was brought up, his mother also kept their family very isolated from other family members. I will definitely be showing him this video and I will be binge watching your channel now! Thank you!

[@marywallace8910]

This was SO very well done and very helpful. You do a wonderful job of "breaking it down". It was both my life and the lives of my children as a result. I'm sending it to all of them to encourage healing!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my efforts in offering explanation. Also thank you for passing this down.

[@MA-un1mj]

Yeah, it was like that all throughout my marriage. So much anxiety built up from the confusion.

[@OneAdam12Adam]

This is genius! I agree people stay way too long in how the other person is behaving. It's bitterness.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for valuing my content and letting me know how impactful it is for you. I am glad to hear you get benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a contribution and/or joining us in the community. Supporting content creation makes it possible for future high quality content to be added to my channel. Or you can also check out joining us in the community and getting in on our great conversations. Thanks again for letting me know the videos are helpful. Here are the URL's to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/donate and for the community Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@victoriousballa236]

How about saying it literally deforms the child's brain for life.

[@LGAdkins]

The brain is neuroplastic, meaning it can be re-programmed.🙏🏼

[@nicolehavelyana5265]

@@LGAdkins it's a double edged sword

[@kristinmeyer489]

@@LGAdkins Ya, that's what my malicious, intentionally life destroying gang stalkers meant, when they went overt, and had their proxies falsely accuse me of renting a movie (I had never previously heard of) called "Tim Allen Re-wires America" (for fraudulent profit at my expense, as has become my "new normal").

[@sw6118]

That’s too bleak. But until the child gets a grip on the dynamic, the child is highly likely to end up in relationships where the other person is also a gaslighter, because it feels like “home.” Once you see the gaslighting, you can’t unsee it. Yet that doesn’t mean you know how to have a decent relationship, that still take effort to understand and uphold your end of the relationship.

[@kristinmeyer489]

@BigTurqouise Pencil Ya, I use my real name, don't hide, and don't troll for others to abuse into an unnaturally early grave.

[@jillhodgson3221]

I really like the way you explain deeply complex emotional stuff. You deconstruct in a way that is easy to grasp. I've had so many revelations from listening to you, I'm learning so much about myself and all my relationships and why I've struggled and been confused. Thank you so much!

[@nikkic83]

I don’t know if you have children but if you do they are very fortunate to have you as their father.

[@xenatron9056]

Hi Alan, you have done such a good job explaining my life. I am in tears now as I type, feeling both the victim and the perpetrator. It's all a bit much really,

[@moonmissy]

This is hands down the most amazing description of the dynamic of attachment trauma! Allan should write a book.

[@tads73]

One of my more favorite videos, surprised I didn't see it sooner. You mentioned emotional shutdown when a child tries to share their feelings. It comes in many flavors. The song 'You've Got A Friend' by James Taylor made me cry. Felt there was a friend in my home. My tears were met with laughter. I knew something was wrong with it all at about 5 yo. Another part that I would like expounded on is how when a person finally meets someone who genuinely treats them with empathy and care, they behave in a number of ways, sometimes they run. Thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I see you were engaged with the content by what you wrote. Emotional shutdown is painful especially for a child. Many of us experience anxiety around emotional closeness, intimacy and vulnerability. We have different ways we show up during the distress. You may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks for your comment. Check out the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@tpriestess]

This is truly getting to the bottom of things. Alan Robarge, you take great steps in spelling it out...and it truly is necessary to unravel the confusion. This work is very much about diving in deep and taking responsibility and with such compassion! Oh my, I had never heard of the self-gaslight idea explained so well..... It makes sense that those of us 'trained' or conditioned or programmed in families where it really was not safe or okay to feel all emotions, attract people who gaslight us in huge and destructive ways. Awareness is everything. Loving ourselves as we allow ourselves to reclaim the expression of all of our God-given emotions is so needed.

[@AlinaAlineta]

💯💯💯❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏

[@lindafrey1723]

I loved this u-tube. This is how I was Raised, my parents would never talk to me about being sexually abused and they know I was abused. I was waiting for them say we love you, everything will be OK.. So I had much prayer counseling as an adult, and I received healing in my soul from The Lord. I also, received inderstanding to get in touch with my emotions. I still have more to learn. I have talked to my mother about my feelings the last 4 or 5 yrs. I am now 70 and my mother is 92. You can still receve knowledge and healing no matter how old you are.

[@s.l.r.9407]

Man. You are the only psychologist in KZbin that seems to get it. I feel like you are describing my childhood experiences and it helps me to join together all the thoughts and feelings I've always had about it. Having someone that "gets it" makes me feel better.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for sharing this content speaks to you. Glad it brings benefit. Since the videos are helpful you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@simonw9821]

I, like many others have just stumbled across this on KZbin - and like everyone else...am grateful that I did. It certainly gives a lot of insight into why I am the way that I am. But also that there is definite hope with more understanding . Just reading everyone's responses and the positive nature of them is a testament to you and your insight/knowledge.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the encouraging comment. I liked when you said, "there is definite hope with more understanding." Very true. Awareness opens us up to options. Good for you for searching to learn more about yourself.

[@RestorationRanchHealing]

thank. you for sharing this video. This video is so key in helping one to understand that dynamics of parent /child alienation and how it starts. I had no idea and cant imagine the pain of the parent and not being able to understand or see what is happening that their fear based flee mentality is based on childhood trauma. Then this also transfers to the child. All of this is truly horrible. My family and I are currently experiencing this and I cant tell you or describe the mental anguish that this causes to a family. We also have a child with special needs that is currently separated from me and I was her full time caregiver for over 13 years until this nightmare happened. I have been learning that this affects the nervous system. She has had in the past history of seizures that she was growing out of and making progress. I cant imagine the stress that this is causing to her nervous system and the complex trauma that this causes to a child who is typical much less a child with special needs who has complex issues much less nervous system stress on top of it. I just really have no words for all of this. It is trauma at its worst.

[@M0nkZer0]

This is the best explanation of gaslighting I have seen. You actually explained the particular way it has been used against me

[@jenniferdennison8315]

This is so true and eye opening... I'm super aware of other people's emotions and am very compassionate.. and I never really thought that in doing that I was probably making someone else feel shame or feel exposed..

[@PositivelyLizzie]

YT just recommended your channel to me for the first time 45 minutes ago, and I couldn’t be more grateful they did, because the topics you discuss are all resonating so deeply for me. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing your knowledge and insight.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Liz, Glad you found my material helpful. Welcome.

[@lollypopnarcy7585]

Very good! That, too is gaslighting. That's right. Yes. They do not want to feel their own sadness and deny the reality of the child. RIGHT, THEY DON'T EVEN REGISTER THE SAD EXPRESSION OF THE CHILD and don't say anything. You are great!! You nailed it! Very good. RIGHT. All in the same reality!!! Yes Yes Yes!!!! That is the video I needed right now! Alan, thanks a lot. You explain it very good.

[@bobfrapples12]

@alan Robarge WOW!! this was absolutely incredible! a sense of hatred or anger was replaced with sympathy! I appreciate the side that you chose to explain. after watching a ton of videos on gaslighting and coming up with a sense of disgust towards a partner due to the pain and abuse that they had made me go through, its great to see the shoe on the other foot and what sort of abuse they went through as a child in order to protect themselves, when all they wanted was parental affection. It's no wonder why people gaslight it's all they know! thank you for this alternate perception!

[@marthalamontagne7590]

This is great! So true sometimes we don’t know we are doing this. Because no one teach us this growing up. So we react in ways we do not understand.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Martha,Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@kimberlyamontney4729]

This is just what I needed to hear to be able to make sense of my life and relationships. The puzzle wasn't complete until now. Thank you.

[@turkanismail8169]

I remember going to therapy for the first time in my 20s and i genuinely didnt know what emotions were. I said, 'Whats that????'' Riddled in 8 panic attacks a day, my family would say im making it up. A wonder i survived it. Today im such a fantastic mother validating my daughters feelings. I thank my parents for that. And yes it was FUCKED UP. Not only a mother but 2 brothers all behaving this way, and ignoring me. My father would work all hours and then defend his peace when he did appear. Rules rules rules galore. I love the work im doing on validating my own feelings, now im in learning of keeping that up for healthier relationships i choose to be involved in. Especially my very close relationship with my 9 year old daughter.

[@Kaixo-Zemouz]

What a brilliant video! You explain this so coherently without unnecessary victimization or perpetuating an "us or them" dynamic. Thank you for sharing, this has really helped me in a big way.

[@bryanrobertday]

This video is gold and extremely relevant. I believe that the babyboomer generation is rife with this gaslighting behavior with their children.

[@julisaba]

very well done video, I too am exhausted by anger being expressed at parents abuse and neglect, the monster parent was created by parental abuse as well. this video helped me to recognize the less obvious abuse we experienced as children and the confusion it creates. It really fucked with my reality and my idea of a relationship was what I saw my mother do, so all my relationships were unhealthy. Now I am faced with caring for my abuser as she is approaching age 80. She is still doing the same hurtful abusive things. She is incapable of feeling anything for me, I know she is in my life now because she needs me to take care of her, I feel more like an indentured servant than a daughter. Sometimes I feel that this has ruled my entire life from birth to the grave, alienated me from all other family member and set me up for a lonely life. all part of some sick game. It is very hard to bring her back into my life. However educating myself with information like this video is a huge help. thanks for your clear understanding.

[@disiluzhund]

Oh my gosh, the video was recommended to me today (by KZbin), just when I needed it in order to understand why I was so hurt and offended when I told my mate that I felt lonely and sad and he continued to read a website after muttering, "you do?" I finally had a conversation with him this morning about it and I understand the process and why his response triggered such pain and rage. I also understand him more and am reminded that he too was gaslighted by his father and sometimes his mother. Thank God I didn't say anything then. I just left the house. lol Thank you for this video! I'm going to try to have him watch it too.

[@victorrubennavarrocortes739]

I love your work brother, never heard it so crystal clear

[@flowerlove2985]

Second time watching this one. Finally, an explanation to what's been happening, a good explanation, ty! So so helpful, I'm going to watch it again.

[@merlisist]

Yes!!!!!! I love all of your ‘very special videos’. Your commitment to trauma and it’s many forms, is exceptional my wise friend. P.x

[@ryanleon288]

Wow. I can't believe I've never heard this before. My whole family does this all the damn time and still do this with me (I'm 19). I've never been able to put this action into words and this makes so much sense. My mom would sometimes ask what was wrong but would never go beyond that. Immediately after, she would dismiss it, or say "There's no reason to be upset!!" Everyone else would say "you're not (physically) hurt, so there's no need to cry." Everyone instantly goes to denying or suppressing the emotions. Thank you for this. Sad to say I relate very much with what you talked about.

[@lo-fidreamsASMR]

Thank you for explaining the psychological root of gaslighting. This has helped me greatly understand some ppl in my life. Unfortunately the folks I know have not come to terms with the fact that they even gaslight at all, which makes it impossible to have any form of reciprocal friendship/relationship with them. They feel victimized when we call out their denial of our realities, their incongruities, and lack of mirroring. It's crazy-making! But I guess everyone grows at their own pace.

[@AlinaAlineta]

💯💯💯👏👏👏

[@thosewhobelieve122]

Thank you for your message which is always comforting and encouraging. I was emotionally neglected and gaslighted by my parents but have learned to embrace my feelings. It's a work in progress!

[@cchristinax7284]

Wow! Your videos have helped me so much Alan. You are brilliant. I have never known anyone to explain toxic attachment in such an articulate and clear way.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad that you find this material helpful CChristina

[@joolslorien3936]

Thank you, this was really validating to hear. I don’t think I’ve numbed my emotions, I tend to experience a lot of emotional flooding and shame. I’ve always felt vulnerable, sensitive and also insecure for as long as I can remember. Everyone else in my family seems to numb out so I have spent my whole life being dismissed and scorned for having emotions. I can see now that I have been repeatedly triggered by professional and personal relationships as an adult that have repeated the same pattern of invalidation and shaming. I’m finally starting to heal but it just wasn’t possible until I understood why I had so many trauma symptoms without any “trauma”. I’ve relearned what healthy and compassionate interactions are like and have to continually reaffirm them to myself but it’s slowly getting better.

[@exploringdimensions4all853]

I love this video! It's taught me, above all, to have compassion for myself and others.

[@laurahvala1373]

Thank you so much - you’ve explained this attachment dynamic in such a way that it seems possible to move from maddening outrage to empathy again. Loved it.

[@lesleehensley9658]

Your video brought me balance in my understanding of the dynamics of my emotional disconnect. Thank you.

[@jbauer3302]

It is uncomfortable looking in the mirror. It made me glad to see a video finally with all the perspectives. I am not the child of a narcissist. I am the child of a father that was not capable of allowing me to show emotion. My mother died and I couldn’t even mention her let alone my grief or the guilt I feel smiling because inside I am not. I have a sister four years older, but she too was being trained to hold it in.

[@brendahanson9804]

OMG... please continue to teach us.

[@rebeccadolashewich7094]

This helps me understand my whole childhood with my mother. Thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this is helpful. You're welcome. For more content like this, you may like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@michellebear3173]

The f word it's a perfect description when someone is gas-lighting you and playing with your mind

[@monicacalais1039]

Yes

[@Andricadelores]

I just want to say that this has hit some things right on the head. This is beautiful work and I find my self getting through true mental blocks.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

wow, thanks for letting me know this content is beneficial for your processing. If this was helpful then check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz It may offer you more clarity.

[@MyersMonroe]

Your videos opened a critical road of understanding for me. The road of healing is long but I was totally lost before watching all of your videos. They have been a godsend!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad you are finding benefit. I appreciate the kind words.

[@MyersMonroe]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Yes enormously, you videos were life changing. I found them five years ago and they were music to my ears, coming back to them now after much healing and they are still illuminating and consoling. This is critical work you are doing, expressing these truths, so often muddled by the trauma and the family systems that impose it on new generations.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for seeing my efforts and valuing my work. So important to keep the conversation on attachment trauma going.

[@larrycork1420]

Alan I think you have great insight on attachment trauma, I have wondered most of my adult life on why I have had so much trouble with understanding my feelings, not knowing what I want, problems with codependency, wanting to belong, feeling that I am not good enough.

[@brianmedium7265]

Excellent video, Can you do a video for the sort of boundaries that need to be put in place when a person is emotionally unavailable(gaslighting your experience)?