Toxic Attachment Trauma After Emotional Neglect

Hello. Thanks for checking out my KZbin channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Toxic Attachment Trauma After Emotional Neglect
In this video, I talk about the impossibility for resolution in a dynamic where the other people are unwilling to participate in relationship. To stay in some form of this kind of relationship is at our expense and hurtful.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Toxic Attachment Trauma After Emotional Neglect

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@marcusnikolai9072]

i know Im randomly asking but does someone know a way to log back into an Instagram account..? I stupidly forgot the password. I would love any assistance you can offer me!

[@lauraleehenry5657]

Do you do personal one-on-one counseling? If so, how can I make contact with you?

[@ValzRae]

When a man contacts you after he breaks up with you

[@Paarthurnaxdova]

As a healing codependent I just can’t wrap my head around how someone can not ever see YOU in a relationship where you have given 110% of yourself for years. No communication, no engaging, no reciprocation, no empathy. Why do they want you if they have zero intentions of knowing or deeply loving you!?

[@loryno1961]

So true

[@Yellvis]

I’ve recently realized that, at least in my case, it isn’t done intentionally. They simply don’t know how to go past superficial ways of relating to people. They don’t understand the concepts of empathy and emotional vulnerability. My person was taught as a child that as long as things weren’t distressing or negative, then by default, they’re positive! Nothing could be farther from the truth. His family is SO afraid of negative emotions that none of them can deal with them from others, let alone have them. But emotional intimacy requires that we can handle ALL types of emotions. How the heck can you have an authentic relationship with somebody when you can’t even bring up anything negative? When that person freaks out and gets mad when you mention negative things, how can you be yourself? I now realize why I’ve felt like such a lonely, unknown, sometimes invisible stranger to my ex and his family. I felt like this when I was growing up, as well. Nobody in my house knew me, or even cared to know me. I keep picking people to be in my life who are emotionally unavailable, and I don’t know how to break the cycle. I’m not sure I can even be with a “normal” person. I am immensely relieved to know that I’m not alone, however. Now I have words to put to all of these feelings that have plagued me all of my life. I’ve lived a long life as an extremely empathetic and emotional person surrounded by people who are incapable of emotional intimacy. I am so lonely and sad that I’ve spent my life this way.

[@SimbaAliaye]

You’re an appliance to be taken down when needed and put back when not.

[@MarkShepherd1]

Maybe this idea of giving 110% is really not even possible - and believing someone else can see ALL OF YOU or 110% is an expectation that is unreachable - and of course creates the suffering and anxiety? I mean can we ever even know our SELF 110%?? Isnt it a constant inquiry with knowing our true selves?

[@DarkSkyFlutterby]

@@Yellvis No one has ever articulated my experience better. I hope you've found more healing and connection.

[@kimber120306]

After all these years of thinking something was wrong with ME for being so angry, bitter, depressed, withdrawn. Everyone trying to convince me that maybe my expectations are too high , I'm selfish and should JUST accept things the way they are! THANK YOU for letting me know that my feelings have not been in vain. I'm not crazy after all!!

[@cchristinax7284]

My dear, you are NOT alone. I have felt the same way and finally realize that my expectations were never too high.. it’s very freeing. I now know where these angry and bitter feelings came from

[@taylorc2542]

He's a guru and you're getting hustled.

[@blackmax43]

I’m going thru the same exact thing with all the range of emotions right now . Me being the one that needs more emotional attachment, attention and affection and she being the avoidant and emotionally unavailable. Quite ironic because is usually the woman feeling this way but I am who I am and no matter how many times I ask for more showing up in the relationship .. I’m the needy one and crazy

[@Busterthecat2009]

100 percent spot on

[@XxTh3Fall3nxX]

@@blackmax43 Been through the same thing man, felt crazy and like I was the sole cause of ALL of the relationship problems, finally realized it's a two way street. And we deserve someone to be emotionally available.

[@lauraandrhino]

I've gotten more from Alan and a few others in a couple of hours than in the 5 years of therapy that I've received. Thank you. Your channel is very helpful and healing.

[@mweber5459]

Make that 20 years of therapy for me!

[@AnnaPrzebudzona]

My thoughts exactly!! I've already written a similar comment under another Alan's video. Thank you Alan for what you're doing!!!

[@ilovesoffeah]

Omg ! I feel the same !!!

[@deedeedog-sitter3397]

I agree

[@tweekaleek]

Laura Allison exactly! Ive been in therapy so often and never got anything like this.

[@ebutuoywrw]

"I ordered something on Amazon and it got delivered. oh are you going to eat your pickle" yay this must be a real connection!!!

[@I3rittanyLynne]

Bill 😂😂 laughed out loud bc it’s so sad all I can do is laugh, I think he must’ve been sitting in on dinner with my Soon to be ex and I 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@stacyblack5982]

Sounds familiar. Practical chat at every turn.

[@maureenw7553]

😂😂😂

[@allkindsamusicchick]

lol That was funny!

[@CurtisMoe]

🤣

[@glorydancer4804]

Seems like as I get older, I am having to face so many things. So many revelations can be frightening, while at the same time enlightening. In a romantic relationship, it's the difference between intimacy and just being together. I need so much more than parents or spouses ever gave me. It is so painful that being alone feels more nurturing. Thank you for your counsel.

[@mamasworldview]

"It is so painful that being alone feels more nurturing." My sentiments exactly. I hear you.

[@roselereau6981]

You’re not alone.

[@MichaelBroder]

For me, it was not only about the partner failing to be inquisitive about my thoughts, feelings, wants, & needs. It was also about his failure to share his own thoughts & feelings with me - especially on the topic of the relationship itself. Also, his selfishness and self-centeredness caused actual material & spiritual harms. I finally realized that even if I could accept the many negative things that it happened over the years, what I could not accept was continuing to be in a relationship with the person who had inflicted that pain and those losses upon me.

[@ATeitter]

OMG. I have been listening to videos about narcissistic abuse for 5 years to learn what you have just explained in this one video.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the feedback and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings benefit.

[@angie8967]

I have listened to this several times and every time I cry. I can't even put into words how helpful this is. I've lived and felt all of it with my mother and my husband whom I finaly left almost a year ago. It validates what I have felt so strongly. I have actually hugged you via my tablet. THANK YOU!

[@mariahpokedawg7124]

Good for you girl! I came here to find advice/help leaving my partner of 6 years. I can tell these are going to help tremendously figure out what to do and how to verbalize that to her. How sweet that you hugged your tablet! ☺

[@calebpaulsen3159]

Love to you, Sister!

[@Healingfromtheroot]

Proud of you. Working on that. Husband and mother also.

[@HagarLevy]

♥️

[@tashalodge1340]

I've felt more validation from this video than I think I ever have in my life. Sad honest truth....

[@kristinalowe8627]

I’ve been in a 20 year relationship with a man who cannot connect with me emotionally. I’ve had several breakdowns that nearly claimed my life. I now understand why. You’ve freed me to move on. Thank you 🙏

[@soulswork1111]

How are you doing? I’m in a similar boat. Married 26 years to an emotionally unavailable partner. He’s still my best friend but triggers this wound often. Trying to decide if it’s best to leave….

[@kristinalowe8627]

@@soulswork1111 Hello. I’m still trying to extricate myself from this man. I’ve left him several times but returned to relive the abuse. I’m talking about leaving him and returning YEARS LATER. Find a safe haven where you feel good, move there and get a therapist who understands the “Trauma Bond.” Fight for your freedom, fight for your sanity, your self respect…your LIFE. I’m leaving him again this week. He’s been having an affair so it’s a good time to escape. Moving to my friend’s home that I’ve known for 44 years. I’m praying it is final this time. God Bless and good luck!🍀😇❤️

[@soblessed4844]

🎯Me too! Moving out next month. 30 years of marriage

[@merrill5780]

I'm there too 25 years. but I can't imagine anything else.

[@oblivia1941]

Accepting poison at your own expense. Wow, very true. Thank you Alan.

[@dawna4185]

Holly crap! this message just illuminated a stark truth in my head. i considered myself "needy". i labelled self this since it seemed like i was always having to work to get my emotional needs met by "fill in the blank". just occurred to me i am not needy. i just didn't get my needs filled as a child. then i sought out this need fulfillment in my adult relationships.....rendered self "needy".....well, i am NO LONGER labeling myself "needy"....it is a derogatory term with very detrimental consequences to self...it dissempowers ones ability to know we can fulfill our own needs as adults! thanks again, Alan for very enlightening, helpful messages....xo

[@ricliu4538]

Yes!!!...I realized this too

[@dawnacoxon3111]

Holy crap your name is Dawna too!!!! This is so wild I never see my name and this is the 3 encounter with a Dawna in the last couple of days 🤣❤️... also great comment!

[@dawna4185]

@@dawnacoxon3111 ....awesome!! 3rd time is a charm, so they say!! haha.....glad you like the comment. geez, i wrote that 3 years ago. i was in a different head space back then and so much has changed with my thinking for the better....hope you are well!

[@dawnacoxon3111]

Dawna hi other Dawna! Hope you’re other place is an amazing one! I’m good just using these crazy times to dig into some subconscious patterns and do some weeding 🤣🌱❤️

[@dawna4185]

@@dawnacoxon3111 wonderful...i just noticed this comment now! crazy times indeed. i miss our old life of being carefree. hope you are staying safe and are in a good place mentally. i am a reclusive loner so that aspect doesn't bother me too much but i detest the government controls...anyhow, gotta get a coffee and head to work! sorry for the late response...lol....i had my notifications turned off until recently. was getting into too many ridiculous arguments hahaha...take care

[@mallory5872]

The crowning blow is when a person from a seriously neglectful/abusive background commits suicide and people call them selfish. The Golden rule covers so many atrocities.

[@janethomas78]

Exactly-- how does someone LOVE someone and not want to know you-- If this is not a mess I don't know what is. I knew this was going on when I was two years old-- "There is no LOVE here?" Was my first remembered thought. I was somehow supposed to bond with the floor, or the dog. I am unable to bond and trust others and my family will always blame me because I could not cope with the emotional deprivation and neglect I grew up with. Evidently, If I was able to exist "without existing" then I would be worth something! LOL!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You worded that really well. And I'm aware it comes from past pain so empathy to you. But I really get why we put the LOL at the end of that inverted dynamic. The there-not there, love you-but don't know you relating-non-relating is so bizarre! Thanks for your clear comment.

[@bonitainthekitchen6032]

you need to look for your happiness and things that you like to fulfill you. family fuck us up and we need to change how we think to see changes. I have to make distance with mine and I have anxiety because I hesitate and have fear for taking decision. but is not what I want, I desserve to be happy so I have learned to be alone and enjoy it, now I need my space in a relationship and notice when other people behave like I used to: needy or clingy. so happy I am not like that anymore.

[@mariahpokedawg7124]

@@bonitainthekitchen6032 good for you for growing. 👏

[@calebpaulsen3159]

They love what they take from you. The "love" turns into anger when you no longer give that someone what they think you owe them. My childhood felt like 40 year old babies raising babies. It is incredibly sad to realize my mother is 74 and has not grown since I was a child, probably since she was a child. McCarthyism = no one is trustworthy. Divorced parents in the '50s = you are no longer human.

[@maepeterson7197]

Omg I remember having similar thoughts at an early age. I remember thinking, even though I had siblings, “looks like I’m on my own here”. My mom says “oh you’ve always been so independent!”... no mom I just figured out early on that you couldn’t give me what I needed. It wasn’t until later that she started guilting me for not missing her at all when I was in summer camp and I was convinced that it was MY fault and I was the terrible one. 32 fucking years wasted on trying to prove myself worthy. Thank god im still somewhat young

[@tanickasinclair7035]

Alan, this is Jennifer Sinclair. You articulated EXACTLY what my mother said to me...."Just accept me the way I am". I said "No, mom. I cannot. It is emotional abuse to provide me shallow talk 100% of the time as and never give more, ever"

[@kimber120306]

My husband says the same exact thing. Why can't I accept him for the way he is? Why do I want to change him? Me being a somewhat loving person with many, many flaws, has the desire to be more loving so i cant understand why a cold stand offish person doesnt want to be more loving as well especially towards their kid. Why doesn't everybody want to be just better? It's kinda crazy how we are all different.

[@Veracitylean]

It’s somehow relieving to hear my struggle articulated, it gives validation which is a relief. Thank you. I’ve been in this marriage for 44 years. I was emotionally neglected as a child and married a man that emotionally neglects me. His way of dealing with his hurts is to work all the time, achieve and work, and he looks like such a hero, after all he does it all for me. I’m just waiting to please die so this pain can end. Whenever I try to talk to my husband that I have a problem he immediately negates it and says that he has the problem and I am the source of it, even though he had no problem whatsoever until I said I did. So I stop trying. I settle for whatever attention I get which is often negative, and I cope. All my kids wonder why I’m never satisfied. I mask and smile and cope. It’s late in my life, I have depression, fibromyalgia, and I cry every day multiple times but I know this is my lot until sweet relief finally comes. This world is a test and I hope I pass.

[@Veracitylean]

After hearing the end of your video I’m empowered to let myself live. Whether my spouse changes or not I will live.

[@kcd7836]

I grew up with authoritarian parents...emotional childhood neglect. I am an avoidant and attract avoidant partners. But I am emotional and very attached to people, friends etc. Working on myself and I left a relationship 2.months ago as I kept feeling the disconnect with my ex who is totally emotionally unavailable and avoids all deep conversations. I explained this to him and walked away. I can't accept crumbs for my wellbeing . On the path of recovery ❤️❤️❤️

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I can tell you resonated with this content. Hopefully it's helpful reflecting like this. Thanks for your reflection.

[@theresacane971]

HOLY. SHIRT. BALLS. Thank you so much. 5 years later. I’ve been grieving a toxic attachment for a year, beating myself up bc the last time we talked he said he expected more compassion from his partner, and I was “fighting too much.” My fights were about being neglected, invalidated, belittled, unheard. So not only did I come off “high maintenance for wanting care, but I also was made out to be the bad one for not being wholly loving and unconditionally accepting of cruel abusive treatment at worst and at best, just massive stone walls of avoidance. And as someone who was raised w abuse, I tried my entire childhood to love and accept my father and felt GUILT that I wasn’t go at “letting it go.” There’s absolutely no reason to just accept poor treatment. Thank you thank you thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for your reflection and feedback. I see this video spoke to you. I can empathize with what you shared. These dynamics are challenging. You have great awareness. Glad this video was of benefit.

[@lianab284]

I have felt depressed, lonely and suicidal for so long. None of my relationships ever gave me the emotional connection I needed. In the past weeks I have lost all of my friends and my boyfriend. And I have no one to connect to. I will be working on myself and trying to find the right kind of people for me. I hope I won't feel so scared and alone forever. Thank you Alan

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

I hope you're feeling better now, Liana. I completely understand and empathize with your experience and pain. Sending you L❤️ ve and wishes for Life to grace your life with people who truly love and care about you...for simply who you are, not for what you do. We all deserve to be seen, valued and loved deeply. ❤️💙🕊💙❤️

[@lianab284]

@@lemostjoyousrenegade oh my gosh that is so sweet..thank you :) I do feel much much much better! No more depression after 7 years. Although still with no luck finding friends, but it doesn't get me sad anymore :) Thank you for your kind message

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

@@lianab284 You're welcome, angel. I'm SO glad to hear you're feeling much better! I'm a quite sensitive soul and reading your comment really tugged at my heartstrings. Therefore, I needed to let you know that you and your feelings and desire for meaningful connections matter...and that I understand you and would be compelled to comfort you (as an understanding friend) if I were in your presence. Finding a REAL friend can be really hard in these modern times, however, we must KNOW that we deserve them (or at least one) so that we may be able to give all the love we have to give. There's nothing better than mutual, sharing, caring, heart-to-heart connections, nurturing and understanding. Hugs from San Francisco. 🤗

[@lianab284]

@@lemostjoyousrenegade Thank you :) I will keep looking and hopefully it'll happen for me one day! Thank you again :D Hugs from MTL 🌼

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

@@lianab284 👍🏽❤️ XOX!

[@kcd7836]

Emotional neglect by the parents... so true. You can have a "normal" childhood, a house to live in etc. But if parents can connect with you when you are small and growing up, it carries into your adult life. Emotional neglect is so importamt

[@kcd7836]

Brilliant explanation. Explains why I am so attached to emotionally unavailable men. Emotional neglect during childhood. No more poison from dysfunctional relating with people who can't give me what I need

[@jeanetteevans5678]

Thank you Allen for describing the prison that I lived in for 36 years in marriage. God Almighty has used your words to bring me freedom and deliver me. Thank you

[@cchristinax7284]

Hit the nail on the head. My family is EXTREMELY emotionally withdrawn- always have made me feel like I am too much and asking for too much. The problem was them and their inability, not me.

[@Iam_laurenthrasherrr]

Wow that was extremely helpful. J grew up not getting much of that even tho my childhood looked “normal” often times my parents or step parent thought I was lying. Now when I relate with my partner and I have the need to be heard , they avoid, and it is extremely painful to me.

[@marialeina5866]

Thank you so much for this!! I m struggling to accept an emotionally unavailable partner, and these are exactly the thoughts that run through my mind. That I am the faulty one for not accepting him the way he is and that I should be strong enough to live with that. I feel alone but when I try to explain it to him I am faced with all kinds of "tangible" excuses, like "I am here, aren't I?", or "but we do things together, we have dinner, we watch movies, we talk on the phone from work". I feel like everything I say sounds woo woo to him. Don't know how people live like this. It feels so lonely. Thank you for validating me, it feels a lot better.😊

[@tanickasinclair7035]

Leave him. You don't need the emotional abuse.

[@emilyknowlton8602]

"Oh, are you going to eat that pickle?" Love this guy.

[@teaganv8882]

I always have a KZbin video like this playing in the background as I go to sleep. I've naturally woken up at 6.30am and heard a life altering point of this video. I've had years of DA partners tell me I'm the problem and I'm too needy etc but now I realise my problem all along has been to choose these men that neglect and abandon me over and over which reconfirms I'm unlovsble/replaceable over and over. For the first time since my break up I feel relief it's over and I don't want him anymore. Thank you x a million!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate this feedback. Glad this video was impactful and sparked reflection for you. Thank you for letting me know this content helped you find some relief. If this video was helpful, then you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks for your comment. Check out the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@kaycee625]

Almost more than I can bear to listen to this because it’s so accurate and puts words to the pain and the confusion and the deep emptiness. The grief is very real and paralysing.

[@lisaj5769]

"you are colluding with your own history of abuse.."

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

In my past relationship I never felt validated even one single time. And I thought I was too needy!

[@HisaLight2mypath]

Me too I always felt like I was nagging them or talking to much or being overbearing and needy

[@jodirisenmay8968]

These recordings are helping me come to terms with a realization that I did the right thing in leaving a very toxic relationship, even though he's trying to talk me into coming back to him. Thanks so much.

[@tigerprint7960]

Hi Jodi Risenmay, I spotted your comment & the similarities that I was facing. I admire your strength. We are making the right choice to leave but I cannot say with certainty that I would not return. I left my abusive relationship 3 mo. ago. I still swing back & forth on the pendulum. On the one hand I'm glad that I was strong enough to walk away. While on the other hand, I feel, "Why hasn't he called me?" Find Alan's videos extremely helpful. I wish you the best on your journey. May you have continued strength, joy & peace.

[@jodirisenmay8968]

Tigerprint79 tbh I'm having a real struggle, emotionally. He's a narcissistic, multi-cheater, I've talked to 2 other women he was having affairs with. Although I know I made the right decision and will never go back, I am grieving the future I thought I'd have. The whole relationship was a lie...doing my best to move on and heal

[@shahilagh]

Are you still okay?

[@franzitwin8967]

This information made me cry!! What a great relief to know, that my intentions and needs are ok and not to much to ask for. Thank you with all my heart, Alan!!! Namaste.

[@eugenie423]

OMG this is my relationship - no interest in my emotions and not valued. I feel invisible

[@wingsly]

Ouch! Golden observations of the destruction of self due to being denied love, denied being present authenticity and the resultant diseases, stressors, and consequences. Thanks for sharing this excellent diagnosis of rejection and psychological dynamics.

[@jaynewilcox9527]

I didn't know to what extent this early childhood experience has and still had on my life and why I have been recreating it in my love interests with unemotional men...omg

[@DoloresFlores5]

Yep same here! 35 now and a long string of dissapointing relaitonships ....glad to finally understand it more

[@BrandyColmer]

Me too. Me too. 😐

[@bonitainthekitchen6032]

girl! let me tell you that it wasnt easy to walk away from all this players and give myself the respect that I deserve. it has taking me years

[@kellykirkpatrick8978]

Same

[@verumbellator6899]

I believe that it is what you are accepting. I came to an awareness that allowed me to change my response to those who are toxic in my life when I accepted that those individuals can not be changed in their view or response to me no matter what I try. Therefore it helped me to remove the change my communication with then. Of course it doesn't make the situation perfect right away. I still slip into self doubt and sorrow but I am able to grow in standing up for myself and start a process to change the dynamic. It was not about accepting the behaviour it was about accepting that I should stop looking for emotional stability from those individuals.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Good insight Kristy. It helps others to read your words. It offers some direction into possible change. Thank you for the comment.

[@Megan6772]

thanks for giving me hope & clarity....I was waiting for the part where Alan advised No Contact, which would be very difficult and isolating for me. I got those NC vibes strongly throughout his message

[@lavender_moon9]

'It's a chronic grief' provocative daily sadness. and 'it's not your job to accept being rejected!' wow that spoke to me. Thank you for this talk.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video spoke to you. If this video was helpful then you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@savvydavvy3463]

After seeking therapy post divorce, the light bulb at the center of my childhood keeps getting brighter..just wow.

[@angelicaa.3062]

exactly! I'm going to lose my mind if i keep trying to accept this toxicity

[@alanacraichy8795]

This has been my life. My entire life. What relief to hear you say these perfect words. I can't relate to my family at all. My twin sister is a narcissist (fraternal). And I'm really trying to come to terms with all of this, and how to not feel guilty by cutting them out.

[@claudieC.]

This is an amazing interpretation of why its not good to keep visiting those that won't relate to you in an honest and open level and you leave rewounded everytime. The emotional hang over everytime you visit with your parent or even when you are trying to connect with some you care for or love and they will not engage and are distant and withdrawn; emotionally unavailable. These are now issues I will no longer tolerate in a relationship as a meaningful connection is what I have been looking for and I have been tolerating crumbs, unrelating, and not having an honest and genuine conversation with men, I have been involved with in my life. I learned so much and will no longer tolerate this unhealthy and superficial way of relating again. Thanks you for explaining this so well!

[@ogarrio1243]

God!!! The end is just mind blowing! Thank you so so so so much for this information.

[@LafleurJazzy]

Why is healing from attachment issues so difficult? It's like my brain keeps playing games on me. One moment I tell myself I can't continue tolerating abuse and the next I question myself for not trying hard enough. It feels like an addiction to abuse. It's overwhelming.

[@lorynledet6243]

Did you figure out how to stop I have the same problem

[@HisaLight2mypath]

You're right it's so confusing and so complex is just not easy to turn off thoughts

[@HisaLight2mypath]

​@@lorynledet6243I'm still trying to control it what about you?

[@afterthisourexile6542]

Wow. Who knew? This explains a lot. You are a gift. Thank you.

[@FeliciaBerryVlogs]

Wow! You make incredible content. Unreal! The way that you put this all into language blows my mind. I have a hard time articulating this to my husband. I explain to him that his silence feels like emotional abuse. He stone walls me, and in return I get extremely emotional. I tell him his silence is killing me but he honestly cannot see that there is anything wrong. He refuses counseling and tells me that I’m the only one who needs it since I have the abandonment issues, and since I cannot handle my emotions. Yet, I feel he gaslights me and makes me question my reality. I have developed anxiety, which has caused me eczema, faint spells, and an irregular menstrual cycle. As much as I do not want to divorce, I feel like I have to. I’ve recently got on medication, because I almost passed out at work. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, and I am only 28.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I'm glad you liked the video Felicia. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@clocksie123]

Wow this is exactly what just happened to me in my relationship. My reactions and my doubts about why i cannot just except this emotional lack of connection and that my needs are not getting met. It really felt like a betrayal to myself when i tried and i got physical sick. I realized only than after a few years that my own betrayal was the cause and made a decision to stop the relationship cause it was to toxic for me and i was getting angrier and angrier. When i saw you video i realized i that this is coming from attachment trauma. That relates perfectly to me because i was adopted when i was 6 and my mother died when i was a baby. Also the adoptive parents were abusive and never available. So i am in big trouble. Thanks for posting this video you are a lifesaver! I know now where to work on and made me more aware of the needs of my kids. Thank you so much!

[@xoanastasia1103]

Thank you so much. You just validated my experience with both of my parents. Every single word you spoke was a validation and a confirmation of the emotional neglect I have experienced. Thank you so much.

[@garimaheath]

Clarity and words that make sense. Thank you so much. Dispel the gaslighting. See the situation as it really is. As I see and feel it ... being emotionally ignored , accepting a low grade daily poison, betraying yourself. That is exactly what it was and felt like.

[@frandavis6607]

Thank you once again, Alan. Possibly the most relatable video yet. It is not my job to accept rejection. It is not my job to try to fix someone else. Thank you. ❤️

[@ElizabethRitchie]

As a therapist who works with women in struggling relationships this was a helpful video as it truly captures the 'surface level' relationship ("are you going to eat your pickle") vs. the relationship / marriage that has depth and empathy and curiosity about their partner. Emotional disconnect is often what brings my clients to see me and your explanation of the consequences of emotional neglect and how it influences adult behaviours/ relationships is instructive. Thanks! :)

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for your feedback and for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Glad to hear you found the content helpful. It is so important to keep talking about the ripple out effect that attachment trauma has in our adult relationships. Let's continue this conversation. I also want to share, since you like this content and you may already be aware, but you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This is the type of content we discuss in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.

[@debbiee.6333]

Alan, you are a breath of fresh air to the minds of so many who are stuck in this endless cycle of self betrayal. I tried for a year to mold my reality to fit a very emotionally withdrawn person to the point of my own physical and emotional detriment and it was the support and message from those who are in the healing and recovery community to help guide me to come out. I am so grateful for your message and knowledge and ability to refine your language to such accuracy that it really gets there and I get it. I feel like you are being guided by some spiritual intelligence to bring this message but that's another topic. Thank you!

[@leogoold2500]

As a person who has for more than 50 years been dealing with my own experience of Attachment trauma and Narcissistic childhood sexual abuse and resultant C-PTSD I can confirm that as you say there are no easy answers,no quick fixes It's all on you.Finding your Self from scratch and coming to terms with that sense of bewilderment is no easy thing.It takes a while to assimilate the message contained in this video,so simple yet so mind-blowing.But thank God it's out there.To anyone else:It does get easier if you put the work in.No pain no gain.

[@maepeterson7197]

2 years late but I see you, I relate, I’m proud of you for doing the work and I hope you’re doing great today

[@leogoold2500]

@@maepeterson7197 Thankyou Mae.Much appreciated.And yes I'm doing great.Hope you are too.A lot happens in two years huh....but mostly I just find myself wondering why the frell it took me so long to work it all out EL OH EL

[@NattyByNature-]

At 32 I’m finally getting there.

[@leogoold2500]

Glad to hear it. Aren't we lucky that we have access to experts like these via the internet :)@@NattyByNature-

[@itm4173]

Listened to this so many times that I can almost "sing along.". Can't say thank you enough Alan.!!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Donna Cohen lol...that's great. Thank you. Glad this one resonates so much.

[@silvanaramirez9941]

I understand the concepts shared in this video and agree to it to a certain extent. I really resonated to accepting lack of relating from emotionally unavailable people as “poison” because it is NOT pleasant to be in the continuous presence of dysfunctional relationships. However, in my opinion and this is something that has helped me cope with “accepting” the reality of things that certain family members are just not emotionally available and may not be aware nor do they have a CLUE how to heal to become emotionally available nor they may not want to take that deep healing journey because it’s scary to them, if I continue to EXPECT THEM TO CHANGE their unhealthy ways knowing that they cannot or are not willing to... Then I am hurting myself by EXPECTING to get water out of empty wells.... For me to have come to this realization was not easy because I too had to go through a grieving process to finally ACCEPT what is. Hence, accept certain family members or people for who they are. Now do I have to take them out to lunch or be in constant relationship to them. Absolutely not! This is where discernment comes in and knowing when to relate to them and coming from a place of NO EXPECTATIONS whatsoever for having my emotional needs met by them. This is what I use when I get to accept my family members including my own mother who can be challenging at times. So I CHOOSE not to share deeply with her or even respond to her negativity or defensiveness because engaging with insanity or emotionally irrational and immature people is a never ending battle and needless to takes away my peace of mind. Now when it comes to CHOOSING our romantic partners, that is a totally different story because I can accept once I realize that the cause of my troublesome dynamic with a romantic partner has to do with having allowed a person who is emotionally unavailable come into my life. Then I can accept that my partner WILL NOT meet my emotional needs and I let them go because I will not settle to be or live with someone who cannot meet my emotional needs to feel seen, heard, valued, respected, validated and supported. I get to choose again! Otherwise, I’d be betraying myself for CHOOSING to be in an “close and intimate” relationship who is not capable of fulfilling that need. I get to be kind to myself by intimately sharing and relating my inner world with those who are worthy of receiving and are capable to receive my inner sharings... not to the ones that are not equipped to do so and be constantly disappointed because they cannot meet my expectations. Awareness IS KEY!!!

[@tanickasinclair7035]

I can not "accept my mother as she is". Because it is just TOO PAINFUL. I am with Alan Robarge 100%. I tell my mother that I cannot accept "just being friends" with a man I am in love with and it is the same here. I cannot accept just remaining acquaintances with my mother. It needs to be deep or nothing at all.

[@magnessko]

Everything i believed about love and my relationships was wrong. Painful eyeopener. You just told me that things I took as virtue ( acceptance and so on) wasn't virtue but toxic childhood programming in my case. You know it is not first time when something what I believed was good thing turned to be poisonous. First time it was when I understood that I do not practise unconditional love but actually allowing less then i deserve now this. I thought i am ok;) But I was not. Am not. Also what is worst-my marriage can not be...And we have two kids:(

[@happylindsay4475]

Wow. You brought the sauce on this video. Thank you Alan. This one articulated everything that I have been trying to desperately out run and avoid knowing, seeing and feeling. Thank you and for others like you that are validating the intense pain of attachment trauma. And for giving information on the steps it takes to move toward healing. To everyone out there that is coming to a deeper awareness and acceptance of their life story, don't give up- we owe it to ourselves to heal. In love, light and peace, may God bless us all.

[@Wexster94]

I'm at 26 now and I felt more heard from this video than from my parents my entire life. Thanks for the video Alan, cheers :)

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Lim, thanks for the feedback. I'm glad to hear you found benefit from my video. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.

[@todarotlck]

Such a great video thank you Alan!!. When I first watched this 3 years ago I took your advice as hard as it was and separated from my parents. I needed to heal and they kept traumatizing me. It was poison. I distanced from all my family and many friends as the patterns all played out. I worked on myself and healed my attachment and abandonment trauma. I was then finally able to have surface phone conversations with them for 5 minutes knowing who they were and that is all they have to offer. It would have been impossible to communicate with them had i not healed that deeply rooted pain. It was horrific. Sending love to anyone going through this. Loving yourself enough to distant yourself from these people is crucial to healing and recovery. You are worth it and you are loved.

[@shawnteldrake367]

Omg!!! Thank you sooooo much for this incredible video! Finally someone can validate the reasoning behind me letting go of the relationship I have with my mother. It’s incredibly painful to hold on to a relationship that was non existent in the first place. I actually cried watching this because you hit it on the mark especially when you said how your system is chronically on arousal, anxiety, hormone imbalance etc. It makes total sense. God really blessed me by sending me this video! Thank you so much 💕

[@marieanylis2353]

I tried emotionally engaging with my ex. Didn't work. He couldn't handle it. he doesn't understand feelings. I know understand that i have to let him go completely. I still try to emotionally engage as a friend now but he doesn't get it, after we talk i feel very drained and emotional. So i decided to ignore him and focus on my friends. But it is difficult to accept the reality to not being able to emotionally engage. I still want him to see ME but he doesn't ... It makes me very angry. I would do it differently next time.

[@reneemoore6249]

You are not the only one experiencing this

[@popitzikaliou7]

How are you feeling these days? Did u solve it

[@marieanylis2353]

We still don't talk. Hé still ignores me on these rare occasions we run into each other. I am still single, not waiting for him, but didn"t meet the right guy yet. Mainly focussing on myself, my happyness , my wellbeing and the next chapter in my life with a new house.

[@rebajane6618]

exceptional, so thorough, the feelings he describes we are left with from the emotional neglect is spot on, namely 'life or death'

[@veronicalagor4771]

Thank you for your video, it was super validating to hear an expert explain my life experiences in such an elegant way. My therapist could never quite get what was referring to when discussing not feeling seen by my partner and told me the same "He's not a mind reader, why can't you accept him for who he is?" line. It began feeling like my expectations of a loving partner who acknowledges my presence consistently enough is completely unrealistic and maybe there's just something wrong with me.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for sharing your experience and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad this video speaks to you. If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@sereene_care646]

Hello Alan. Thank you so much for telling and helping me and others know the truth about attachment trauma. I can resonate to everything you said. You exactly described what i've been through inwardly and outwardly in my relationship. I grew up so confused until at some point where i felt very drained and empty. I experienced overwhelming pain and sadness. I felt so hungry and thirsty for love, affection, validation, truth and a sense of freedom which i never and will never get from my narcissistic mother. I listened to videos about attachment trauma just recently and knew about it after 37 years.

[@liabooth399]

Thank you Alan. Finally started to create real boundaries with my family who cannot engage with me at an emotional level. If you don’t care about my emotions, you don’t care about me. I’ve felt too depressed and invisible for too long because of this. Thank you for validating it’s okay to disengage in this circumstance - it is a physical pain and as Alan says a wound that gets re-traumatised due to early attachment injuries (like drinking poison, every time). It is okay to put yourself first and engage only with those who truly want to know you. Already depression and emptiness fading away... it really wasn’t me, but the result of engaging and putting my all in relationships that don’t see me. Wished I had this realisation 10 years ago. Now trying to deal with that regret, for lost time. Nearly 40 years old but finally realising what I deserve. So much time been lost. Just seems to be a “gift that keeps on giving” but hopefully at some point the grieving will be done, the losses dealt with and the freedom of a new future will be a reality 💜

[@millicentkitten]

thank-you - you're good! love your passion and your language - much appreciated.

[@indialong6540]

Wow...I feel like you are voicing everything ive been struggling with. My need to connect emotionally is so strong. Having had a mom who dumped me several times as a child into abusive places, being seperated from my dad sine i was a baby n reuniting when i was 14 n meeting my 5 other siblings with him, my stepdad abusing my daughter and my mother then leaving to be with him n not support my fight to bring him to justice..then when my father passing away in 2010 a few yrs after finally connecting - and feeling like my new found siblings i thought i was bonding with distanced themselves and only expecting me there for family get tigethers but not being available when i was wantg to connect...im all screwed up. My mother moved away now 13yrs ago n stays with my daughters abuser n i again feel abandoned. It is physically painful n i battle each day with this and trying to control it within me. Thank u Alan..im trying to work on myself and ur hitting it on the head...im a work in progress ..its tough but im a fighter.

[@celestedalton2659]

Thank you. I was married for 38 years with a husband totally emotionally detached. Eventually divorced. It was so very hard. Thank you so much. This has put a light on my journey

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the kind words. Glad you found this helpful. Thanks for valuing my work.

[@butterfly72255]

That is exactly why I got divorced and what becomes unbearable with my original family. Thank you so much for letting me understand what's going on.

[@micheledobbs1724]

In tears. Thank you for this explanation. I hadnt thought of this logically

[@penelopelambson9128]

This is the most important talk on relationships I’ve ver heard. Thank you.

[@coolwater644]

Brilliant. So clear. So helpful. Thank you!

[@thorunnfridriksdottir2226]

I really am greatful for your help. Thank you dear Alan. This is so eye heart opening

[@sagestarfield3894]

This was mind-blowingly relevant to me. Thank you so much. 🙏🏼

[@heatherlynn3438]

You took the words right out of my experience! It’s so cool to hear someone validate it! Thank you!

[@summayah100]

Amazing stuff, explained everything going on in my life .

[@AvivaSingsOut]

this is really beautiful - thank you for your clarity and generosity

[@Ad_Astra_321]

Thank you so much for explaining this!!!

[@atomspies]

Tough to hear. Thank you for sharing your insights. Also I loved the energy you put in at the end. I *felt* that.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Brilliantly described and defined issue. Thank you.

[@1986nitya]

Awesome video, Alan, as always! So enlightening and so comprehensive. You are a gift to this world.

[@penelopelambson9128]

This is a very powerful and valuable video. Thank you so much!

[@sharrondee575]

Wow you’ve just read my book, Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insight into the pain that so many of us are experiencing! I’m living through exactly what you are describing, that in itself is helpful .

[@DoloresFlores5]

Amazing video, thank you! Hopefully it is not too late to break the pattern of un-engaged, unemotional relationships that were the product of my childhood emotional neglect. Its truly baffling how no matter how logically aware I am of the pattern, my subconscious keeps finding those people who will help to recreate it, effortlessly! Understanding is powerful

[@beverlyallison4768]

Amazing video!!!! Thanks so much for this information

[@TeaTemptress]

Incredible. So helpful in realizing on another level why I allowed/ excused emotional neglect for so long. Thank you

[@ricliu4538]

Thank you Alan....you have helped me and so many put into words what we didnt have the ability to

[@jessd956]

Stunning. Thank you so much. I feel so validated.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this content helped you feel validated. Thanks for feedback and valuing my work. Please also share this video with friends or others who may benefit. Help me spread the word.

[@playvodkadotka]

you gave words to feelings I couldn't describe. Ty

[@heathermaich8966]

Spot on! Thank you.

[@pandaaa12]

🙏 yes this is exactly what I needed! thank you so much for uploading this video, you're a genius.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate your supportive comment. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: To learn about the new course take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.

[@laurelboyd9730]

Thank you. I’ve been trying to get anyone to understand this for years now.

[@mattybaesxp]

Wow, this is so wonderful. Thank you for acknowledging me and my being, and what it's like in these situations.

[@CarmenMulder]

I am so relieved to hear what you're saying and its the first time someone has spoken from this perspective. I've been trying so hard to accept this emotional neglect from my mother and had so much guilt and confusion in cutting her out of my life over the last few months. Thank you so much. This has been most helpful!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the comment. Thank you for letting me this connected for you and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit. Also if this video is helpful then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@allkindsamusicchick]

I'm sorry for your pain, Alan! Thank you for sharing all that you do. You have a gift! 💛

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the empathy. I appreciate you valuing my work. Thank you for the compliment. If you'd like to become a sustaining supporter to guarantee the continuation of the videos consider leaving a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for your comment.

[@redpilledprophet8829]

Brilliant analysis Alan-I truly mean it, brilliant

[@nabiharais]

Last lines are mind blowing!! Thank you Alan

[@beautifulmoongodess]

Incredible. Spot on. You have literally just saved my life. Thank you so so much!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for letting me know this video was so helpful. I appreciate you valuing my work. Since you like this content you make also want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz You might also want to consider joining the Improve Your Relationships Community. It has a full video library with 24/7 access, worksheets and informational posts. Members have reported feeling supported by being among others who are also learning. The community is built on Self-Directed Healing where members are encouraged to create their own healing plans. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@vivienlegeisha3425]

Love this video! Alan you’ve described me and my biological family spot on. My family has all the creature comfort but I was persistently neglected (First born, never get up to trouble in school. So my parents just assume that I can “take care of myself”). And when I eventually realised this is the case when I grew up, they reacted by saying I’m ungrateful, how they provided me with a roof over my head and food and clothing and yet I accused them of not being a good enough parents. I’ve cut ties with them. Still healing over this neglectful childhood.

[@patrickjlouis6651]

Amazing Alan how you speak to the soul of my situation