Emotional Neglect: 4 Subtle but Painful Things You May Have Missed Growing Up | Dr. Jonice Webb

Learn about Childhood Emotional Neglect, how it happens, and how to heal it in my FREE CEN Breakthrough Series: bit.ly/cenchallenge2
Childhood Emotional Neglect is usually invisible and unmemorable so it can be difficult to know if you have it. To find out, Take the FREE Emotional Neglect Test: bit.ly/entest
Discover how to become more self-aware and fill yourself up with my bestselling book, Running on Empty, for just $10: bit.ly/runningonemptybook.
Find out more about Emotional Neglect at: www.emotionalneglect.com.
In this video, “Emotional Neglect: 4 Subtle but Painful Things You May Have Missed Growing Up” I’m going to talk about 4 important but hard-to-notice ingredients that all kids need, but which emotionally neglectful families don’t offer.
When you don’t receive these key ingredients, you feel their absence. It affects who you become and how you operate in the world. If you grew up with Emotional Neglect, you may feel its presence as you watch this video. But don’t worry, I’ll also talk about how you can give these things to yourself now.
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00:00 Introduction
01:40 Importance of Questions
03:31 Emotion Vocabulary
05:17 Emotional Expression
07:00 Self Understanding
08:01 What To Do Now

[@almacharles8746]

I was emotionally neglected. My mum would say ‘there’s something to cry for’ and smack me. If I said I was bored I was told only boring people get bored. We had everything we needed as in clothes and food. Dad died last year and mum now has dementia and is in a care home, I am doing everything I can to help her, visiting, making sure she has all she needs. Mostly I just feel sad that I didn’t know a mothers love. I am 60 tomorrow and I have always just felt sad.

[@ruby-qv5bd]

I can so relate to this and what is even more sad is that we don't always do the best job we would have liked to do with our own children because we do many things similar even though we try to change many things. It is so sad and now I'm in my early 60's and have more time to realize how unperfect I was to my own children. I dwell on these things that I now know I should have done better at. The trouble is we didn't know as much when we were younger. I try so hard not to dwell, but it hurts.

[@BronzeDragon133]

@@ruby-qv5bd Yeah, I skipped the whole mess by not having kids.

[@valerieh84]

Happy birthday ❤ you should be proud of yourself for doing your best for your parents in spite of them not doing their best towards you, even unintentionally. You will have no regrets and you can be safe in the knowledge that you are a noble and caring person. Let the joy grow from within by extending the same compassion to your self. You will find the way.

[@annthomson5648]

Ditto

[@leslielucci3182]

I’m reading the book “Mother Hunger “ by Kelly McDaniel

[@eliseintheattic9697]

I grew up in the 70s, and I feel like this was just how parents were at that time. I'm sure there are some exceptions, but for the most part, people didn't talk about emotions. They didn't acknowledge trauma, and the prevailing "wisdom" was to "get over it".

[@stephaniebyard3958]

Agreed. Also grew up in the 70s & early 80s. Never heard my friends’ families talk like this. None of my family ever spoke this way. I don’t think they were spoken to like this as kids, so we weren’t spoken to this way. The adults were very separate from us. Very apart. They just didn’t talk to us in depth, just superficially.

[@matt3024]

I was selectively neglected by my family but I also grew up in the seventies in the idea of seeing an entire generation grew up that way is absurd. My siblings got all that. The nurturing the attention etc. Seemed to me that every other kid in school paranormal background and we're pretty happy. That's a ridiculous generalization.

[@eliseintheattic9697]

@matt3024 So you didn't read the part where I said "I'm sure there are some exceptions" and "for the most part" and "prevailing"? Or did you just decide to ignore those qualifiers so you could be contrary?

[@emil_rainbow]

"how parents were"…although I don’t recall my friends’ parents explicitly asking of their feelings I did see physical gestures of love and care for well being that was often extended to myself. This is how I realised things were odd at home.

[@brendapaint]

yep

[@anndixon4577]

1) Not asked many questions about their emotions 2) Family not use many words describing emotion 3) Not having freedom to talk about things that involve feeling 4) Not have ability to see self reflected in parent’s eyes

[@ronda176]

I’m 51 years old and finally feel like I have found the answer to why I am the way I am. Things make so much sense to me now that I know I am a highly sensitive person who grew up emotionally neglected. This is all new to me and I’m feeling like I’m mourning what I didn’t get. But hopefully soon I will get past that and work on trying to improve my future. Thank you for putting this information out there. I think it will help me tremendously.

[@Love-dw6ry]

me too (55 though)

[@gloriajenkins5049]

Ditto, 73 here.

[@kaystephens2672]

I can remember being shamed for getting upset about an Easter egg hunt and not finding the golden egg. I was being selfish for being disappointed.

[@rebecca_stone]

Mourning with you. Take care.

[@BETH..._...]

​@@rebecca_stone• I felt this comment deeply. • So many of us are mourning- many times alone and or misunderstood. • A heartfelt hug to all who are navigating this season in their lives♥︎

[@rachelfrees1268]

I’m 83. I grew up barely seen and never heard. Told I was never wanted and do not bother me. Crippling thing for a child. I sought affection and what I thought was love and this left such scars. Finally found peace at 63.

[@patriciapiper6294]

Rachel, what gave you peace??🙏🇺🇲

[@TippyPuddles]

You're not alone. I was also told that I was never wanted and wished I was never born. By the time we're actually told, I think we already got that feeling. Yea, wasted my whole life floundering and wasting time. Looking to fill a hole that can never be filled. Making mistake after mistake.

[@patriciapiper6294]

@TippyPuddles it's weird Tippy. Everyone says you can live your best life one day.!! How would I know what that even means?? Promises, Promises. But I've never seen how to do that!! Can't imagine!!!

[@Crystalquartz964]

@@patriciapiper6294 I'm almost 66 and I am finally recognising my emotions and giving MYSELF what I need. And I love peace and quiet!

[@patriciapiper6294]

@Crystalquartz964 HI Chrystal, love your name. Peace and quiet. I've always thought a cabin in the woods would provide all I needed but then I thought water facilities a must!! Then I thought, a creek for energy generating(paddle wheel) . Then I thought, well the list went on till I decided to stay near the wallmart somewhere. But that is what has allowed my peace. Glad you have figured it all out. Much love, Patricia 🙏💕

[@CJoyArt]

I am 64 years old and just learning about how hurt and invalidated I felt during my childhood. My mother always told me I cried too much. My parents never asked how I was feeling and feelings were really something that was taboo in my family. I was emotionally neglected and learning this now helps me be a better person today.

[@user-ns9zc5wx6i]

Cjoyart, I just found out my mother pushed me away since I was a baby and my father always saved me from her cruelty towards me. My Dad died when I was 5 years old, he and I were very close and now I know why. Am now 71, my brother died recently and I connected with my Aunt, she told me things I never knew. The tears are flowing hard and I feel like a fool for caring for her so tenderly. Her favorite daughters hated her at the end of her life, but she wanted to live with them rather than me. I cared and rescued her from their cruelty repeatedly; she was safe and comfortable when she died in my home. Wow it hurts.

[@CJoyArt]

@@user-ns9zc5wx6i I am so sorry. I cared for both of my parents for 7 years. They were both my abusers. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

[@angiesappracone1478]

These type of parents shouldn’t have children at all. It’s a tough life for us children who were not wanted and treated so badly I’m glad for one thing im strong for it. Now. 💕👍❤️I’m mighty.

[@garywayne1257]

I am 61, and I so wish all this information we can now find on the Internet, so easily was available for me 40 years ago. It is very hard to realize what you did NOT get. I remember when my two kids were a baby and toddler and thinking about what I would be willing to do for them. Then a thought popped into my mind - gosh, I don’t think my parents would have done that for me. So I realized a whole lot once I became a mother, but now that I’m retired and really focusing on myself, I am learning so much more. I didn’t realize that I didn’t feel “real” to myself. It’s hard for me to even connect with joyful events. I distracted myself with work and projects for years because I had searched for Answers and there were none. At least I got a lot done!

[@TheThereader1]

Same, always fokus on how much I cryed and I was a difficult Child (noone wants to play with you, you Will never get married etc) so, my selfesteem was and is not on its best. I am married but I dont have friends. Wish I knew this before I got kids cause Im afraid I passed it on to the. 10:20

[@lesleymcmillan1893]

So much love to everyone who was emotionally neglected as children ❤🥲❤

[@juliettemay2666]

Thank you. I’m 47 and trying to believe my needs matter. My husband and daughter are the best and are helping me.

[@SuperAtlantis1]

I was 58 years old bybthe time I realized most of this.

[@privateperson4842]

Kindness from people like you are so appreciated. I really enjoy hearing people getting along with or teasing one another.

[@philjarvi1943]

I’m nearly 80 and just started learning about it within the last month! I always wondered what was going on when I was the only family member who went to a neighbors home for dinner. I now suspect that my Mom took the doctor’s advice on my heart condition a little too seriously. The first funeral I went to was my Dad’s, he was 49 and drank himself to death. I was 19 years old.

[@rhwhitmore2001]

@@philjarvi1943 so sorry for your loss of your dad. hugs and prayers sent.

[@Grace_HisAmazingGrace]

I can relate to all 4 of these things. I was never asked about things, more so just told what I would do and there was no discussion. There was very little discussion about anything. I learned to fend for myself and never ask for help. Looking back I excelled in many things throughout high school, college, and life, yet I was never celebrated, congratulated, or encouraged. I am just now at 64 beginning to ask myself, "what do I want?", "what do I feel?" Learning to observe myself instead of just living to do what everyone else thinks I should do.

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

Also, learn to appreciate yourself and your many gifts. It is vital that you realize and feel and own your true self, gifts and challenges, strengths and weaknesses. They all add up to make you who you are.

[@equalityforall5620]

You said it so well. My experience too. I could have been so good at so many things, but my parents and siblings wanted me to fail at all of them so I'd be miserable, just like them. I was also never celebrated for my accomplishments, just looked at with jealousy and dislike if I ever managed to make something good happen.

[@anntrope491]

I feel similarly...

[@anntrope491]

@@equalityforall5620 Check out " Narcissistic abuse","Scapegoating ", & "CPTSD "...

[@Tiffany-bk4kz]

Watching this video, at 55 yrs old is literally the very first time it ever occurred to me, it's normal, ok, or necessary, to ask myself what I need. Like you, it was never asked. My accomplishments were never celebrated or really even noticed. In fact, they were down-played. And, it's still that way. So bizarre. My parents are considered pillars of their community and respected at their church, yet they actually ignore my every success. Recently, one of their church friends started bragging to them on a recent accomplishment of mine, and they literally ignored her. She repeated it, as if thinking they didn't hear her. They just changed the subject & walked away. She looked at me so confused. I had no explanation. None whatsoever. 🤷 We were both just speechless, it was so weird. But, that's been my whole life. Especially, my childhood. Straight As. No acknowledgement. Beta club, Honors Club, Homecoming court, cheerleader and the 1st in the family to obtain a college degree. Not one mention of any of it. Like it never even happened. Bizarre. Because, in public, they pretend to be the BEST parents. 🤷

[@trouvaloo]

We were neglected by our emotionally immature parents. Ours was a “loveless” family. Emotions were avoided except for anger, and hatred which caused chaos. The middle girl became the parent and was abusive. As a result, I never know what to say to anyone. Im awkward socially, and I’ve lived 70 years like this.

[@naemasufi7588]

Yep 60 before I figured it all out.

[@taniayager3361]

Sadly it's not only immature parents but a likely generational things as well with some older people! I've discussed this with friends of my age and they've pretty much said the same thing. That in most instances parents were unable and incapable of showing their feelings and love openly. It took me a long time to come to terms with this in our own family. It has impacted badly on the siblings in as much as we are not close!

[@janetcorbin2642]

That was great and as said, seeable knowable, like a real person!! Was never hugged and when it did happen from my mother at age ten...., could not believe how humane I felt, saying to myself, this is how it feels to be human!!

[@chrysanthemumfan214]

@@taniayager3361 Not making excuses for them, but a friend pointed out to me that if we're over age 60, our grandparents lived through the Great Depression. They couldn't afford to sit around the house feeling sorry for themselves. They were forced to grit their teeth, stuff their emotions, and actively find a way each and every day to survive. It was all about getting or keeping shelter and food. I'm not sure one can easily just turn back on the emotional expressiveness after something like that.

[@MsRexsmurphy]

@@janetcorbin2642I got my first hug when I was 17. No guff. 😢 I never even knew.

[@NotBrokeForLong]

I’m realizing each generation of my family suffered from emotional neglect and the cycle just continued unnoticed. No one in my family knows how to celebrate each other and we don’t say I love you to each other. It caused major problems when my uncle passed away because my grandmother refuses to believe the issues that followed stems from her lack of affection. I always wished I had the mother-daughter relationships I see others have and I’m working hard to make sure I pour into my daughter and break the cycle

[@juliettemay2666]

I feel this to my core. My mom is a narcissist, I was not allowed to complain when she abused me. If I did I ended up comforting her. Her father was in the pacific theatre in WWII, he abused my mother and uncle both physically and emotionally. They both were terrible parents. My daughter had never known neglect or abuse. I broke the cycle. Part of my heeling (I have a very long way to go) was being the mother for my daughter that I always wished I had. She’s 17 and kind, so smart, and hilarious! She just got a scholarship to college for tuition for 4 years. She’s got over a 4.0, and works so hard. I’m so proud of her.

[@Skevanston]

Thank you very much. Growing up in the seventies I don't remember anyone, my parents, relatives, neighbors, teachers talking about emotions let alone asking children questions about it. This is very helpful!

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

I grew up at that time also and had the same experience. Feelings just weren't a thing back then for many, if not most, families.

[@maddart4445]

If you had emotions you were labeled as to emotional which you realize was a bad thing to be.

[@gretchen2428]

Always heard children should be seen and not heard!! I was definitely emotionally abandoned.

[@ce3547]

Our grandparents grew up in the end of the Victorian age who also didnt show emotions much. Children weren't seen as people so it's no wonder our parents though did better than their parents, were still emotionally depraved.

[@chrysanthemumfan214]

​@@user-ky6yu9xl4z I'm honestly not sure which is better. Because, today we have a whole generation of kids whose every feeling was indulged, and now they make a "god" of their own feelings and disown their family.

[@pithyparty6145]

I'm 70 years old and just now learn that I was gaslighted my entire life. I heard that I was neurotic and too sensitive. My mother was emotionally vacant and blamed me for a lot of things. I know that I am a warm, loving and giving person and I tell myself that daily now. I chose a career as a massage therapist and don't think that was an accident. I experienced no touch as a child. She's in a rehab center now after two falls over the past year. All of the emotional neglect is coming up in me and I struggle with her neediness but am trying to take the high ground. Thank you for this video.

[@1in1cog1nit1o1]

Iiu

[@anntrope491]

Check out" Narcissistic abuse ", "Scapegoating ", & CPTSD " might also apply, & help your healing process.

[@ghenetwellness4780]

Interesting. Similar mom, same career path....my sensitivity was met with disdain and/or anger

[@MeadowDay]

The more needy the parents become, the more triggered you become, like your supposed to give them something you haven’t got. It’s disturbing.

[@ST-yc7uj]

@@MeadowDay they also don't have it

[@user-pe3cn2ur1r]

Very insightful. I'm 62, had a alcoholic dad and a mom depressed. She died when I was 12. We were left to ourselves not even relatives helped. Left home at 13. Never went back. A lot more to the story and I've always have known I'm emotionally stunned. Was there for my wonderful kids. But to this day can't tell someone what I want. No favorite color ect... so different from other people. Have never had counseling except from the Lord who has helped me a lot.

[@Johannastairwellstudio]

That’s exactly my struggle, to have the insight and awareness and confidence and language to express to someone what l want and need

[@Iam_anHeir]

user-pe3cn2ur1r I can't imagine leaving home at 13. My response was to reach out to give you a hug. My heart is moved with compassion for you ❤. I was twirling a baton at that age. Loved twirling. That gave me a focus with something I put my whole heart into. I remember at age 5 got my feelings hurt. Not sure if it was something my mom said or one of my siblings teasing me in a making fun of me way, so, I packed my little square suitcase, went down the steps and out the back door. We lived above my dad's business. When I got to the end of the street, it was dusk and a gust of wind took my breath away. At that moment, I realized I had no where to go, so I turned around and went back home. But I never really felt emotionally SAFE at home. I was always told, "Oh, you're too sensitive!" As if I can flip a switch and just turn it off. Instead of being taught how to nuture & protect my sensitivity, I was shamed and criticized for it!! I have learned to honor this beautiful God-given quality. It has taken a long time, but glad I came to this awareness. ❤️

[@carolehamm1674]

I hope you know how strong, resilient and what a survivor you are. To have left home so young and have loving children. You have to have done a lot of the right things. Be kind to yourself, love yourself. You were never loved enough by your parents and you deserve it.

[@pegansmith.11_29]

I love your honesty and vulnerability. You ARE SPECIAL!❤ You're on the right path. Change is hard but necessary! So thankful that your beginning the healing journey! Remember one layer at a time.. just as an onion.. you will get to the center core.. of YOU. YOU'RE A-Mazing. Keep reaching to your inner child to release your feelings and emotions from chilhood and your FREEDOM WILL COME! 🙏🙌❣️

[@user-pe3cn2ur1r]

@@pegansmith.11_29 ❤️

[@susanwhite6761]

I think my parents were so unhappy married to each other and focused on their own unhappiness that they neglected asking if we kids were okay-emotionally. At 66, Ive been having flashbacks of my awful experiences in Catholic school -and Im realizing why I feel so anxious in many situations. Im that little girl being bullied and mortified by the nuns and then feeling not good enough. I never talked about my tough times in school with my parents because I didnt think they would think it was important.

[@cynthiahurtado638]

Wow. Recently, I have been hearing from adults how mean nuns were to them as children. I never knew any nuns, but they are supposed to have love as Christians.

[@mariatomko4278]

@@cynthiahurtado638 I have to say some of the kindest people I was exposed to when young were a couple of nuns who were always kind and accepting toward me. ❤ I wish everyone could have had the same experience 😪

[@Mary-el3pi]

I’m the oldest of five girls. We were never asked our opinions, we were expected to “salute and ask how high to jump!” Our mother was sweet but sort of helpless…and our father ruled the house. No outward display of affection , either, or positive affirmations for any accomplishments, etc. My sisters and I raised our children so differently, thank goodness.

[@JR-yx3po]

I grew up the same, although mom not that sweet. I hope to Gd my kids feel differently about me.

[@Outrunninaround.]

A father should be a little softer for his daughters. As a man I can agree that a lot of men are emotionally and psychologically stupid.

[@lorilimper5429]

My household was similar. My mother was also very sweet but it was obvious to me that she was afraid of my father

[@lorilimper5429]

Also, even though Mom was sweet, she would criticize my siblings in confidence to me when they weren't present. Is that normal mom behavior?

[@salishsea123]

in my fundamentalist Christian Scientist family we were not allowed to talk about death, loss, grief ..... all of that was considered an 'error' in thinking. When my playmate from across the street lost her entire family in a car accident, the whole topic was shut down, I wasn't allowed to see her. It's only recently that I have realized how incredibly damaging this was to my whole being.

[@marilynwarbis7224]

When my Counsellor suggested that my parents may have failed me, I felt angry. I thought, "here we go, the usual parent-blame which Counsellors go in for." I truly believed my parents were as fine as possible and that I had an exceptionally good childhood, and in certain ways, this was true. But coming across this video and, for the first time, the concept of emotional neglect, I can now see where I was not served as a child. I hold my late parents in the highest regard for what they did give me, but at the same time I see things more clearly now. Thank you for this video.

[@DA-ln5kz]

They did their best, do not let people who are paid to blame your parents, stir hour memories.

[@reformerx667]

There are two books from Jonice Webb you may find helpful. Running On Empty and Running On Empty No More. These are subtle injuries and once we start figuring them out we stand a chance of correcting them and putting ourselves together. Good luck!

[@kathyinwonderlandl.a.8934]

What a gift you received..

[@kathyinwonderlandl.a.8934]

@@DA-ln5kzit has nothing to do with blame. Everything to do with understanding one’s self

[@sandygoodman9174]

Just realizing how emotionally neglected I was. My dad was angry, and my mom was unattached. Never words of encouragement or emotions. Despite that, I have a rich emotional vocabulary. I am trying to reconcile my memories of my mom and reality. She was a very emotionally available person. I used to refer to her as a cold fish. She had no connection to anyone. Now I see that my attachment and love were a one-way street.

[@sammie4695]

Usually, the parents experienced emotional neglect when they were growing up. I know my Dad was treated horribly by his parents & my mother never got many warm fuzzies. Puzzling though, is that when my sister & I had children we made a point to be very nurturing to our children. Giving them what we didn't get.

[@adimeter]

God bless you for correcting your family generational curse. You did a good job.

[@noctisgamma556]

The same thing happened with my husband’s parents. He’s hurt knowing his dad went through what he went through and showed emotional pain about it to only turn around and inflict the same on my husband. It makes no sense. Then his mother hides it but continues to neglect her youngest child. And talks endlessly about her own childhood. I think some of it must be unconscious and part of their dysfunction.

[@marytaft6251]

This was my childhood. I was the only child of two alcoholic parents who went through the Great Depression, Dust Bowl and WW2. They had absolutely no idea how to relate to a child. I think after they had me they realized that having kids was a terrible mistake. Their motto was “ Children should be seen and not heard.” I was not spoken to unless they were issuing a direct order to do something. I was sent off to sit by myself in another room whenever they had anything to discuss. Because they never talked with me, I never learned who they were as people. There were no family rules, only explosive screaming if I accidentally did something they didn’t like. They did everything they could to avoid me, and finally threw me out of the house at age 19 when they disapproved of my college housing arrangement. They are long gone, but I still wonder what made them so hateful and intolerant.

[@FindTheTRUTH337]

You had an unfair childhood to be sure, but in my eyes you are the lucky one because your eyes are open and you understand the dysfunction. How sad to be blind in one’s own ignorance with almost no chance to escape.

[@maryrichardson6029]

No wants, no needs, no feelings. I learned very early in life . The End Peace

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

It's just something you learned. You can unlearn it and learn a new way of living in the world!

[@MeadowDay]

You eventually become what you learned. You can understand why, but I don’t think you can ever change. Just my view

[@Infinityflowyoga]

Wow…I have been a child with a tiger mom and commander dad. As an empath, I was told that I am too sensitive my whole life. I have recently begun healing and forgiveness, but realised I have abandoned myself my entire life to fit in

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

Time to find feelings and use them to walk forward as your authentic self. You can do it!

[@jenniferingemi6982]

What’s Interesting in this emotional neglect topic is that we grow up, become parents and no one has shown us how to teach these skills to our own children! Our heart and desire to do so is in there but we cannot teach what we do not know ourselves so the unhealthy cycle continues unless you can identify the gaps, do the emotional work and healing with a qualified, super aware, progressive counselor!

[@andreapociask5882]

Agreed. I only learned about emotional neglect recently, and I fear I wasn't able to help my grown children along the path to emotional wellness, due to my lack of understanding of my own emotional neglect and how it has affected me.

[@jennajewert]

I appreciate this so much. I'm 47 and grew up in the 80's and 90's. I think a lot of families were like mine; parents stressed about money, overwhelmed by work and the demands of life left my parents always depleted, with little interest in their kids. Yes, we had food, clothes and shelter but children also need love and attention. There wasn't much in the way of positive feedback, interest or affection. When you grow up feeling like you don't matter, it impacts every area of your life as an adult. I'm still trying to heal.

[@gregorystinette8271]

I grew up in the 1950s/ wasn't any better 4 me

[@teribacon22]

I think we had the very same experience! I'm starting a feeling journal, asking myself what do I feel, think and need today. I've never felt valid...EVER! I would seek for it with promiscuous behavior which only invalidated me more! Argh, just want the peace of mind to be able to sit by myself and be o.k. with it.

[@cheerio9119]

​@@teribacon22I believe you are right where you're ment to be. It sounds like you're aware, self reflecting and know what you want...Decide to be ok with you, be proud of who you are right now because of all the good and bad experiences that have come together to make you. We're all perfectly imperfect and unique. Theres no such thing as normal or better, we're all just different. Just choose to love yourself ❤

[@kathyannk]

@@GlockPeaceI’m so sorry you had to go through that as a sweet innocent child. You didn’t deserve that. Sending a big hug through the airwaves.

[@GlockPeace]

@@kathyannk Thank you sweet person on the internet.

[@Piplup474]

I didn't have any of this growing up and actually thought people who gave this to their kids were coddling them and they were bad parents. Somehow, I knew I had to raise my children differently. My husband, who grew up neglected and abused, and I did better raising our children, but could have done better. The problem was we knew what NOT to do, but not what to do. We could be factual, but no emotions (You lost the game, but you made a great play.) I am realizing the elusive missing piece- emotions. I was that kid who couldn't have any problems because my parents were together, lived in a nice house, had all needs met, went on vacations, yet I always felt like an outsider and didn't have a clue about who I was or what I wanted. When I was a teenager and skipping school, experiment with drugs and alcohol I was told "At least you don't have real problems like other kids."

[@naemasufi7588]

exactly that. Its very hard when you never saw normal family life. As a child, mother had BDP dad was alcholic so I never ever saw normal families interacting due to no one coming over or inviting us to theirs, I knew what was bad but not how to be nurturing.

[@sarahyip2825]

​@@naemasufi7588"Normal" family life in the 70s came in the form of The Brady Bunch on TV. What the children felt and thought seemed to matter and all the adults, including dear Alice, were perfect adults able to handle everyone's emotions! No wonder it was such a hit. For us real folks, every generation learns and unlearn things. Let's not be too hard on ourselves🌷

[@barbarahawkins7864]

So many of these comments are my story... I always felt NOBODY else experienced those things & felt like I did. It’s the reason I chose to never have children, although I love them... I knew I never wanted to help them feel like I was feeling but didn’t know how to rectify it. I’m 61 now... just learning about all of it for the past 5 years.

[@UKS12345]

My father paid little attention to me but my mother was very kind, praising and attentive. I think that emotional neglect from just one parent still leaves a void. My fathers neglect on me has left me feeling insecure and always wondering who likes me and who doesn’t in this world. A lack of assurance from my father has had a profound effect on me and yet my mother’s assurances gave me the skill to be loving, attentive to my own children.

[@miriamcedillo4431]

Only very recently realized, that though my mother Idolized me, and my father was kind & caring, but somewhat distant (I was an only child), that there WERE 'things' I totally missed out on because I thought I was brought up 'normal'. When I was 14 my father had to put my mother, temporarily, in a mental institution. We both knew for many years that "Mom" was a little 'crazy', but it wasn't till my Dad was confronted by angry neighbors and landlord that we finally had to get her evaluated. She was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Before that happened we moved around a lot, just one step ahead of being evicted or charged because of my mother's unusual behavior. This was from the early 50s to the mid 60s, when she was institutionalized, and the mentally ill in families were 'hidden' and dealt with only within the family. I grew up feeling always defensive and worried if someone found out, but I also had a subconscious anger that we had to move so often, with little chance to make friends or find supportive neighbors. Also had no support from other family members. My mother 'loved' me, but now I realize as only an 'adjunct' to herself, as if I was her 'baby doll', and not a real person, with my own personality, likes & dislikes, etc. My father didn't either have the 'heart' or knowledge to get help for my mother, until it was too obvious to ignore. She came back to live with us because I was still a minor and someone had to take care of me while he was at work. But afterwards I felt even more my "mother's keeper", and life resumed being lived on 'pins & needles.' It is a damnable thing to admit to, but I actually sighed in relief when my mother eventually died in a rehab hospital from heart and lung issues, in 1998, at 79. Up to now I've 'buried' my smoldering hatred for my mother and what she did to my father and I, and also just now coming to terms with my heretofore unacknowledged resentment towards my father for not being "The Parent" to help and shield me. Nobody asked questions of me, as mentioned above. Neither parents, teachers, etc. I only now am asking myself these questions, and the answers and feelings shock me.😞 P.S. My apologies for 'dumping' on this audience, but I feel somewhat 'lightened' from burdens carried over 65 years.

[@irmaramirez1374]

My mother was bipolar. I, as a child, had no idea. I thought everybody lived like we did. Although seeing her need to be tied to a chair in an effort to calm her down did seem extreme! But the subject was just never brought up till the next episode! Your sharing reminded me so much of my experience growing up.

[@latasha9898]

I'm glad you shared your story. No child should have gone through this. You were let down by society and the people that were closest to you. I hope you have found peace somewhere along the way.

[@JenLeeSlvr]

I'm 50 with 2 grown sons that I probably overcompensated in this area. They tell me I went overboard asking them things or over expressing things. It takes me 3000 miles a roadmap and a passport to go 5 steps . So when I heard you describing these things. It was like you were explaining my life to someone, I just always thought I wasn't any good and was a waste of a life , really, and I was so unbelievably in awe that I had children being such a lost cause, that I wanted to try to avoid things that really destroyed me. I know things have been so hard on my boys and because of me. I really appreciate you making this video. I've been trying to find a way to heal or at least learn to accept myself before I die, for about 5-10 yrs . And I never seem to get out of the water before I start drowning again. But I know that today, I felt like I had my foot steady and stopped falling. I can't tell you how huge that is. I don't know if it makes sense. But thank you for placing a real step for me to safely stop. That's a very needed thing in this world. 😞😓💕

[@teresahartsock2641]

Reading these comments so many of us are children of parents who went through the depression. I had a narcissistic mother and a dad who had a hard time placating her while trying to parent me in his own way. My brother really stepped up, he was 17 years older, and gave me quite a bit of the parenting I did receive. He started to develop dementia and we grew further apart and it was 9 years ago he died suddenly. I’m struggling with my kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. I want us all to be happy but I actually feel jealous when I see affection and love I didn’t get. I’ve told them about it and explained why . I just hope I’m doing a passable job now of loving them.

[@ehart2422]

All of the above, couldn’t talk, express yourself, ask questions, say how you feeling, and never asked. Specific example: our mom had terminal cancer for 3 years. We were 5 kids ages 9-19 when she died. We knew we couldn’t ask questions when she was sick, and we weren’t told. She was in her room with nurses 24/7, syringes in the trash, was jaundiced and skeletal. We rarely went in her room. One day my father said “You’re not going to school today. Your mother died last night.” End of story. She never said goodbye or that she loved us. Literally it was never talked about again by anyone in our family. Never asked how we were doing, how we felt, given any support. Example 2: I became pregnant when I was 16. I miscarried by myself. It was traumatic. I couldn’t tell anyone. My father only found out because there were complications a week later and I was hospitalized. talked about, like it didn’t happen. I’m 71 and still haunted by it.

[@helenebe5323]

Bless you, that is awfull.

[@trevsedgwick3324]

I remember whilst at my fathers funeral my mother turned to my brother and said abruptly, ( I thought I told you not to cry) just about says it all.😢

[@carolehamm1674]

Expressing any emotions except cheerfulness was not allowed in our family either. I completely understand how your childhood was. To this day I feel utter guilt even if justifiably angry over some event.

[@melissabryan2448]

Now that I am grown and have children, I am constantly telling them that I love them, "good night love you" "good bye love you" and it dawned on me and I later confirmed with other siblings we never heard that as a child it's like hugging and all that was akwardly avoided.

[@Laura55sere]

Hugging was never done in my household, I can’t remember my parents ever cuddling me, feelings were never discussed, but I was a sensitive child, I loved animals so cuddled them instead. I myself am afraid of rejection from even my own adult children.

[@bookmouse2719]

Yes

[@terrieknight3530]

I was in an emotionally neglectful family. My mum and dad knew no different as they too had been brought up in an emotionally negectful family. I had children and though l tried to raise my 3 children differently I hadn't the tools or rescources to completely turn this around for the next generaton. I recognise this and take full responsility for the damage that I have done to them. Indeed with my eldest, who struggled with the fact that she was emotionally neglected by me, have spent a few years in coming to a new understanding with each other. I knew that if I wished to be connected to her in a deep way I had to apologise and and show her my failings - a bit like when apartheid South Africa had the Truth and reconcilliation. It's moved us on trmendously. I'm not so interested in the what was done to me but what I am or have done to others. Living like this allows me to live with myself. "I am human and I have failed"

[@pinkdipi]

That's a great start! I'm happy for your daughter: that her mother is humble enough to admit, that even though you tried, you failed her, and now you want to do better. I pray for you two to be able to build a connection and for her to receive what she needed from you. Better late than never. I think you will feel better too, even though you will be the one to give and give. I wish more mothers would be humble enough to see and admit their failures and apologise. It's so much easier to heal when the one who did you wrong recognizes, accepts it and comes to you in all honesty and says they did it and that they're sorry about it. I wish you well!

[@1suitcasesal]

I really applaud you for having the strength and courage to apologize to your daughter. That took a lot 9f love. I am sure that your daughter appreciates this. When a parent apologizes it frees the child from thinking it was their fault and that there is something wrong with them. My mother apologized to me and it has made a big difference in the way that I view her.

[@ANokes1]

I feel much the same that I have harmed my kids by neglecting their emotions and sometimes it keeps me up at night, as it did last night. I hope in time this part of their life will heal, especially my daughter, my second born.

[@gaylepinderhughes7166]

I think my mom was an emotionally neglected child so she didn't have skills to use in raising her daughters. (I also suspect, given what I have learned about their life stories, that both my mother's mother and my dad's mother didn't get much emotional nurturing I've been dealing with this all my life. I now get the full picture.

[@MysteryGrey]

❤❤this was my mother and grandmother

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

You can stop it with your generation! It's a very worthwhile goal.

[@jennyrenken8451]

I'm 72. Something happened last year that sent me to a therapist. A repeat of childhood neglect of my emotions was the root cause for last year. I really appreciate you telling us how to bring health to ourselves. Thank you.

[@patriciaseaton1522]

My mother had schizophrenia. I didn’t know there was a name for it until I was 16. Long story. But, though my mother loved us and took care of our physical needs, took us where we needed to go, and was even affectionate and funny at times, I lost out on some things that some other people seemed to take for granted. Since there was a “vow of silence” around this in the family no emotional issues were ever talked about, especially not how hard this was for us kids. No one noticed I was smart except my grandmother. No one talked about college with me - a girl growing up in the 50’s and 60’s. No one wanted wanted to hear how frightened I was when Mom melted down with my friends there. I have worked hard on myself in order to be my best. But I sure wish that little girl had had someone listen to her. Thank you for your video.

[@jeancasey3738]

I am 78, and was brought up by my grand-parents who really didnt want me, as they already had 5 kids, including my father, who was an alcoholic, and left my mother who ended up with mental health problems. Always was told I was crazy like my mother. Got married young to leave home. Had alot of problems running around with men and my husband travelled alot and was also unfaithful. But we managed to still be together, raised 3 good children, and have 6 grandchildren. Having our 60th anniversary this Dec. I was always a care giver and wanted to be liked. Anyway, had a lot of heart ache but lots of good times too. But mostly felt empty and that something was missing in me.

[@thehylers1021]

Reading the comments remind me of my childhood and it makes me angry. Praying for everyone listening and sharing their story. Sending Love, air hugs, and healing prayers. God bless you ❤

[@rongablue]

With Christ at our side we are never alone. God bless you also 🙏.

[@thehylers1021]

@@rongablue amen and thank you 😊

[@christinefowler8386]

I think I learned at a young age that any display of feelings was "inconvenient" to my parents. For example - when a death in the close family happened - expressing any emotion about the loss was not allowed as I was "to young to understand", "I couldn't know what love is" or I was "putting on a show" of sadness for attention. The expectation was that I should be quiet, keep out the way and be emotionless Its been quite challenging as an adult to feel worth of showing love, care and connection

[@theresaloos1485]

I was the youngest of my parents' children . They were older, and I was told often that I was their midlife mistake. There were no emotional words used. I was never asked how I felt. I am 67 and have tried to break that neglect. I talk to my own kids about their feelings.

[@deemee7329]

I can relate. My mom always called me the accident.. my sister were 18 and 12 years older.. I didn't know them.. the 12 year old was mom's favorite.. she could do no wrong. They are all gone now.. sad but I'm not going to let them have anymore time in my life.

[@jesswright8279]

I had quite severe neglect and my father died when I was 7 and even prior to that he was barely around as he had severe MS. My mother has very little emotional intelligence and simply was barely around from a very young age. My brother was very angry and hated and resented me and is now very I’ll with MS as well. I have ADHD and ASD likely in part made worse by all this. I struggle with social relationships - find people patronising and don’t have any. I have had psychotherapy some 20 years ago. It wasn’t really useful. I have turned to alternative therapy to seek support at times. I am currently trying to work more on self forgiveness and letting go of some of it. I appreciate there is a lot of damage and can only work to try to reduce this as I gain insight. What is most difficult socially is the impulsive part of the ADHD which is what massively messes things up socially and I blurt out things I regret and people don’t want to talk to me. I have tried medication but can’t tolerate it. I am not convinced getting further therapy at this stage will help me do anything that I can’t learn somehow myself. I am not depressed but emotionally exhausted really.

[@michelepascoe6068]

My great-grandmother sat on the cottage doorstep, as a young child, waiting for her mother. Her older four siblings had gone to a funeral and she had stayed home with her younger sister who was too young to go. No-one had thought to tell them that their mother wouldn't be coming back. Days later, she realised that it had been her mother's funeral.

[@chriswhite8144]

I weep for her😢

[@Chahlie]

My parents only spoke to me to criticise. I had zero social skills. Now that I am almost 60 and have sorted it all out, I am going through basically a redo of my young years. I love working with young people, helping them to succeed, and seeing the ones who are lucky enough to be well adjusted. I don't try to be young, I just like to be around them and see them doing all the things I was never able to, it gives me hope for the world. So many of us messed up people.

[@sandraschultz3104]

Agree to all. Sounds like me at 63. As well as being the scapegoat which is continuing. Trying to rise above it. We are THRIVERS❤️ our parents from that generation we’re highly stunted emotionally I believe , and it’s generational. I was dismissed and discounted and never asked what I wanted. My parents did the best they could but are emotionally stunted themselves and seeing them T mid 80s is deeply saddening to me. I’m the only emotional one in the family and talked behind my back as the crazy one. Scapegoating discounting and disrespect continues with siblings. I’ve been a great THRIVER.

[@BronzeDragon133]

(Waves) Being the scapegoat is a super-power in a lot of ways. We can detect a lie at twenty paces, and smell a gaslight at sixty. Fifteen minutes into the movie, Charles Boyer would have been out on his butt. We tend to be so sensitive to the emotions of others that we can read a room half a second after we step into it (the problem being that we don't turn into placating piles of goo in response). I used that superpower to go into Quality Control. Lie to me? You just told me where to look for errors. Gaslight? Thanks for the tip. Room's tense? I know you don't want this meeting and I know to dig deeper than I intended. I use it to keep people safe from medical errors.

[@sandrahall3396]

We were never asked how was your day, how do you feel, or anything of that nature. The only emotions in our home was anger and fear. Now as an adult, when I get my feelings hurt, it turns into instant anger. So if the person didn’t mean to, they are absolutely confused as to why I am rage screaming at them. When my grandfather, grandmother, brother, and aunt passed away, I didn’t cry. I felt a tinge of sadness, but I would always push it away and go buy me something. But when my dog passed away in 2020, I bawled my eyes out for 6 straight days and was SAD for months. I’m 52 and I’ve been on a quest to unravel this and feel the love that my family gives me. Honestly, the only emotions I know is anger and instant gratification. Being aware of this would seem like I should be on my way to healthy emotions, but I’m not, I don’t know how to be any other way. I just want to be happy and helpful to people, not this angry old woman who refuses to leave her home accept for once a week to take her son to town on Fridays. Thanks for listening.

[@MichNative01]

Questions were frowned on, my father was authoritarian, we were to be seen, not heard. We were not asked basic things, like do you like this item, would you like to go to the park, nothing. Mom had 6 kids, not sure why they had even 1. Feelings were not discussed. Problems were not talked about. School was not talked about...we were all pretty invisible.

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

That's a perfect description of true CEN. Fortunately, you can heal. Taking the recovery steps one by one can make a tremendous difference in your life.

[@adimeter]

Ditto for me. You just don''t know what's happening to you as a chid. I think it's wonderful being able to learn now. I hope you feel good about that also.

[@estherloske1396]

We see you 💜

[@moniquemurphy4851]

What are the recovery steps please? 🌸​@@DrJoniceWebbphd

[@susanajaz4107]

I am a "baby boomer" from the 50's. We were told how to think and feel. Communication was a vague understanding of what you heard or saw from mom or dad. We were expected to know how to act without simple love or guidance. Even now I'm having trouble putting this into words that make sense. You're insight have reinforced so of what I have been able to grasp over the years. I distinctly remember one of my younger siblings being in his crib in a room by himself where he would rock back and forth hitting his head and thus moving the crib. Sounds so horrible but it was normal part of our childhood.

[@lindab.716]

Our neighbor was concerned how my little brother was always in his crib (1958). My mother just thought he was happy in there since he didn’t cry (In retrospect he is definitely on the spectrum)❤

[@bookmouse2719]

Baby boomer: Dad never talked, he was behind his newspaper. My Mom was addicted to shopping and dieting and she sometimes got mad. My feelings are ambiguous about my family, Sister, Mom and Dad are all dead now.

[@recoveryrocks1]

My cousin did this as a child. As a man, he committed suicide.

[@susanajaz4107]

My brother went to a Bible school in NY. He was the "black sheep" of the family and I even bailed him out of jail once. He was able to find what he needed in the Lord and has done well. It's hard. I only survived because of my Faith in God.(Billy Graham era).

[@jcwolfe1751]

I am 66 years old and based on what you describe in this video, I was severely emotionally neglected. I was never allowed to have my own opinions or likes and dislikes. My parents never cared what I thought about anything and they would ridicule me at every turn if I wasn’t just a carbon copy of them. I hated them from a very young age and wished I were an orphan. I’m not sure why my parents had children. They were verbally and emotionally abusive and my mother who is still alive and now 100, is still messing with me. She is a selfish narcissist and continues to play her head games with me in a passive aggressive way. Fortunately, at this point her mind is going and so it’s gotten a little better. But my brother who is her caregiver has taken her place. Every day I wish these people were out of my life for good. The only reason I have anything do with them at all is for my father’s family inheritance. If it weren’t for that I would have kicked them all to the curb 40 years ago.

[@mangot589]

Ive always known. My mom is absolutely self centered. This hits it on the nail. She wasn’t abusive. But she always ONLY thought of herself. Now, I have the joy of taking care of her in her old age. I’m an only child. She STILL does, everything is about her. If I could afford it, it’d kick her to curb in a hot second. She checked out when I was 14. I guess I was old enough to take care of myself. And my dad. Poor man. He worked himself to the bone for her. I did his laundry, and fed him dinner. She was busy with school. For years. Which she did absoLUTY did nothing with, btw. She couldn’t even be bothered to sit by him when he was on his deathbed. What a hassle! He LITERALLY checked into the hospital in his work clothes. And they were still there when he died. That’s how short it was. She was there, (I guess) that’s what she SAID, but who knows. and this is a quote of my husband, who took shifts with me and her (grudgingly) well, this might take a while! But, *** (me) just INSISTS on somebody being with him! My husband said said that she is is the coldest person he has ever met. And he’s not sensitive.

[@louisecampbell2628]

I also have a Mother who is VERY VERY selfish and controlling. She is AWFUL!!!

[@sarah-lee-cupkakes]

You don't owe her anything. You can kick her to the curb!

[@karensnow5758]

I recently elected to seek counseling after a doctors visit and was asked as part of my routine visit “ do you feel depressed ?” After seeing a wonderful counselor several times, she diagnosed me as having Dysthymia. She said that I’m a true survivor as I’ve not reverted to drugs or alcohol to squelch my inner pain. I’m almost 59 years old and my parents were not emotionally equipped to be functioning parents. I had 3 other sisters and my mother played favorites with two of my sisters and my one other sister was my fathers favorite. I was the youngest and definitely was not spoiled. I pretty much raised myself and suffered abuse from my sisters also. Especially my directly older sister who still to this day has a violent temper. Each day has a baseline of depression, whatever the day brings can sway my emotional scale by the end of the day. My parents were both emotionally neglectful with all four of us but I was especially singled out. My children are adults now with the exception of my teenage son. I made it a point NOT to do to my children what my parents did to me. They are my life raft, they are the only persons who have saved me from sinking.

[@cutzymccall7675]

We were allowed to be angry but not sad. They ignored our tears when we were hurting. I think it’s because they couldn’t handle their own sadness. I still have a hard time crying in front of others - except my husband. One of the reasons I loved him so much was because he was very good at comforting and cuddling me when I needed to sob my heart out, and he would murmur sweet words of love with his arms around me. He healed me emotionally. But I still have remnants of thinking I “shouldn’t” be telling people about my difficult feelings, or asking others (even close friends) for emotional support and help.

[@user-tr7yg7zo3j]

Wow. I just read what I wrote here. A note: my job is helping people talk about their emotions. I’m very empathic and able to bring out sadness and listen to people cry, while encouraging them with kindness. It makes sense now.

[@privateperson4842]

My mother's sister told her son - who told me - that my parents had 2 children. They weren't crazy about children, and after having a boy and a girl, they both thought they were done. But that was before birth control, so I came along. Not being asked questions (other than `are your chores done') was my childhood, too. And the 'shit runs downhill' saying. I'll practice asking myself as you recommend and thanks. Am in my 60's and am still haunted by those years of feeling in the way.

[@16Elless]

Wow, well I can certainly relate to all 4 of those things. I was born late 1950’s. My parents were 35 & I had a brother age 8. It became apparent that I was “unplanned”. My mother was the boss but there was little engagement from either parent. I was fed & clothed adequately but emotionally there was zero. No talking, unless I was being shouted at for something, if I cried (which I learned not to do mostly) I would be told to stop crying or I’d be given something to cry about which meant a smack. Never asked why I was crying or upset. The background was children should be seen & not heard & they certainly shouldn’t question anything or express feelings or thoughts. There were no hugs & kisses, so much so that I’ve never been comfortable with that as an adult. It just feels alien to me. I decided not to have children because I’m almost ashamed to say I am a lot like my mother & I don’t know if I could’ve given a child what I never had. I’m 64 & don’t regret my decision but it’s sad to think about what I missed out on as a child.

[@majonkie]

I’m 57 and almost 5 years into my healing journey. All 4 points of emotional neglect were true for me growing up, plus emotional (mostly verbal) abuse. I was criticised, blamed, ostracised and bullied at home for showing my feelings. I grew up thinking I was weird for what I felt, all while not understanding what those feelings were, nor how to regulate myself. All I had learned was that emoting and, by inference, even feeling, was somehow wrong. I’m highly sensitive, highly gifted, and was very recently diagnosed with ADHD. I’m glad to know what’s been “wrong” and take meds, and have gained access to a deeper layer of trauma to process. I’ve been made to feel guilty all my life for being (perceived as) weird, lazy, unmotivated, and not living up to anyone’s standards. I now know I was not to blame and am learning to be more understanding of myself.

[@gregorystinette8271]

This " emotional neglect " causes various attachment disorders in adulthood. Shalom

[@saraw8503]

My mother was very scarred by childhood hardships and the effects of the depression cemented those scars into her psyche. I believe her parenting techniques were formed by those scars to encourage detachment and self reliance. This resulted in me being a risk taker and not always in a good way. I withhold emotions seeing it as weakness. My sister (14 years older in age) and I have talked about this as each others therapist. She knows better than anyone how I feel. At 70 yo, I know this has served to make me financially successful but lonely and devoid of true love or friendships.

[@lindyinclusive8163]

My mom said “you come into this life alone and die alone so it’s your responsibility to make a good life!”. I was never aware of the neglect as I was a kid who just wanted to fit in. Of course I’ve been unconsciously unconscious for several blocks of time. Now and then I’ll climb out and be honest but I’m lazy…..depressed and have a very difficult time committing. I might take her course.

[@multiheavenscent]

Hi Dr Webb. Thanks for sharing this video. I'm a young 61years old woman. I experienced emotional neglect as a child from both parent's, and other abuses. Brought up in an environment where children should be seen but not heard. It was painful to feel I wasn't loved and as a result have had difficulties building friendships, relationships because of a lack of trust. Fearful of making connections, worried I would get hurt, rejected or, attracting the wrong people to me. Those that may have been genuine I denied myself maybe because it was unfamiliar to me. Resulting in a lifelong merry go round of trauma. Now I see more clearly but still have a fear of connecting. I would dearly love to meet someone special. But because I got battered so much emotionally it's difficult to let go of fear, shame and periods of feeling inadequate. How do I connect with people personally in respect of what to talk about when mostly all I've had is trauma, upsets. I fear I may be judged or seen as a damaged person not worth troubling with.

[@grounded7362]

@multiheavenscent I too battle these things you mentioned. I am 57 years old and been emotionally and verbally abused my entire life. Found myself in two failed marriages that were a repeat of my childhood. The second marriage turns out she was a full blown narcissist and nearly drove me to taking my own life just to make the pain stop. I don't fear getting involved with others but rather avoid possible friendships and other relationships out of my lack of trust. I avoid them as a means of self preservation preventing ever getting hurt again. But I hate it. The one thing I have ever truly craved is to be truly loved by a woman. The reason I say loved by a woman is because I never experienced love from my mother. When I was little I wanted to be held and shown love by my mother and never once got to experience that or feel loved. I keep everyone at a very distant arms length, trusting no one. I can understand your fear and lack of trust not wanting to ever be beaten down verbally and emotionally ever again and that's okay. Don't ever feel ashamed or think there is something wrong with you. You as well as many of us are merely broken and waiting for someone to help put us back together again. It's okay to feel the way you do. Those scars are tender and easily opened up again. Sometimes they just start bleeding again for who knows what reason even when we are alone. Many times I find myself in tears and have no idea what triggered them. What I learned from suicide is those that hurt me win if I self delete. I refuse to let them win so easy and I will never again let myself go there letting Satan get my soul that easy. You matter and deserve ALL that you desire from this life.

[@multiheavenscent]

@@grounded7362 The loneliness and isolation I created as a result have been a paindul place to be alongside the sadness I have carried with me all my life. I created the loneliness and isolation to protect myself, denying myself the value of friendship and relationship. It is getting better in that I do appreciate my own space. And I do hope to make cinnections in genuine friendships. Thanks for sharing. Best Wishes to you

[@momlee664]

I’m 62 widow, 2d of 4 girls. I remember everything bad in my life, very few nice/spectacular happenings. At 6 I remember my dad blaming me for not watching my 3 year old sister when she got hit by a car. My older sister was quite a handful and loud and dramatic so I remember just not wanting to cause my mom any problems because between my dad, older sister, the injured 3 yr old and the baby, I decided just to not cause trouble. I think my mom was just very stressed, then she left him, got back together then divorced him. I never had a relationship with him as he was just there, the only good thing about me that impressed him was that I was blonde like him. I have always struggled with how I feel about things, I get triggered then upset when I’m criticized, but I’m extremely patient with others when they are cranky as though I have to stay calm, I probably come off as non-caring but literally just don’t want to get upset. I can get upset with my own family but they probably don’t see the significance of me feeling safe with my kids. I struggle with feeling lonely, unloved by most in my life and that no one gets me. Just figured out this year I have adhd and given my childhood have masked most of my life to get people to like me. Didn’t really work. Now I just don’t want to be around people and therapy is just too damn expensive, so I’m going back to shrinking so that I don’t bother anyone. Vicious circle!

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

It's understandable the way you feel like you do - I'd like to recommend Patrick Teahan and Crappy Childhood Fairy, if you haven't already come across them. A lot of their content is really helpful and CCF also has some free exercises you can do. I also despair of adults who leave young kids in charge of even younger children/siblings. Good grief. I'm sorry he did that to you.

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

No shrinking allowed! Instead, fill yourself up by embracing your emotions and attending to them. There is a lot here to process and I encourage you to let someone help you.

[@momlee664]

Thanks, I’m more of a self help gal at this point as therapists see me as a walking money tree and offer no advice whatsoever. Went to one for years when my husband was dying never even suggested I may be adhd, thousands later..... I’m going to try the joe Dispenza method at this point, rehashing is counter intuitive.

[@estherloske1396]

We see you, we hear you, we care about you💜 I am healing, freeing myself, with ALL the healing help , and support you can find on KZbin. You deserve healing and happiness and love 💯

[@SuzyJarman]

I was born in 1960. I now realise that my father (dead now) was a narcissist. He had been married previously. He had 4 children with his first wife. For reasons I won't go into, the children were put into a Dr Barbados Home. My dad got divorced then married my mum, then they had me. When my mum and dad were married they got the children out of the home. I can only guess that they were poorly treated. They hated me. I didn't know that they were half siblings until I was nine. My older siblings were: girl 4 years older boy 8 " " girl 11 " " girl 13 " " When my parents went out (I guess shopping or something) and left me on my own, my siblings would torture me, by chasing me round the house (like a cat and mouse - giving me the illusion that id escape, but with 4 of them, they would catch me). They would give me Chinese burns, they'd put a blanket over me and hold me down and take it in turns to whip me with a leather belt, they'd wipe their bogies on my pillow, they'd thread sewing needles in my bed sheets so that I'd get scratched in my sleep. These are just a few of the things I remember about them. I knew I didn't like it but didn't know any different. Years later when I was in my 30s I told my dad about it. He said he knew! But he didn't know what to do about it!!! I couldn't understand why my mum or dad didn't rescue me from this situation. My dad would hide one piece of jigsaw puzzles, so I could never finish them. My mum knew that my dad did this. I know that as an adult approaching 63, I feel like I'm a child inside. I constantly feel that there is something missing in my life but I don't know what. Other nasty stuff happened to me (including my dad's friend raping me when I was 12) but my parents wouldn't believe me. I couldn't understand why no authorities would come and rescue me. My first husband was an alcoholic (so was my dad). My second husband is 9 years older than me (I think I was trying to have a husband and a father). I'm resilient and pragmatic. I'm a determined person, always striving to improve myself. All my life I've kept myself super busy, but I now realise this was to stop myself from thinking about myself. Recently i found myself with enormous amounts of free time and I experienced a strange thing. A wide 'slot' opened in my mind and I was able to look into the slot. I was taken straight back to when I was a child in the living room with my half brother and sisters. It was sheer terror. I quickly pulled back. Even though this was a scary moment, I think that maybe my mind is ready to confront these things which I've blocked out. I want to feel like an adult. I feel like a child in an adult body. I don't feel normal. I don't know what to do. It has helped me just writing about it.

[@doricetimko5403]

❤. You are so strong and full of love. Focus on loving yourself as often as you can. Share your love in loving thoughts, words, actions. You are here for a reason.

[@SuzyJarman]

@@doricetimko5403 thank you, I really appreciate it 🌸🌸🌸

[@simplycj5460]

Sadly, I grew up emotionally neglected, but I didn’t realize it until recently, and even more sadly, because I never learned any of these things in my family of origin, I never taught them to my own children. I never asked them about how they were felling, etc.. I think these are learned things, and having never learned them, I could never teach them. I grew up always feeling bad about myself, and I still do. The negative self-talk never goes away. Thankfully, I have a husband who loves me for who I am. But other relationships are very difficult for me. So much going on inside my head. Trying hard to figure out who I am and what I like.

[@vanessab2726]

I can really identify with your comment ❤️ It seems as though it’s a cycle that continues throughout the generations. It’s hard to give away what you don’t have, emotionally speaking. I wish you all the best

[@Lolabelle59]

Really appreciate this video.. I was about 36 years old when someone - someone i just started dating after my marriage broke up - asked me how my day was. Parents and family never asked me, husband never asked me. I realized then how important that was to be asked that, and how much I'd missed out on something so basic.

[@shellytallent2548]

Thank you I did get a lot out of this😊 I am 55 I am a gen-xer and I just don't think that feelings were talked about in our generation. I remember being bullied by other children coming home,and wanting some comfort, and my mom saying just remember sticks and stones will break your bones ,but names will never hurt you. I'm so happy that things are getting better in this generation😊❤

[@ginnywalker184]

I grew up in a very emotionally neglectful family. My father was a truck driver and wasn't home much and my mother was not a warm or caring person. She was very physically abusive to my 2 brothers and very verbally abusive to them and to me, as I was the oldest girl (I'm in my 70s and have an older brother). Her favorite communication with all but one of her children were to tell us we were "dumb, just like your idiot father", "you're never going to amount to anything", just to name a few of her favorite phrases. I was caring for my infant siblings when I was only 8 because I was told I had to help care for them (my thought was that I am a child and I don't know how, but I had to learn). I was made to hang laundry on the clothesline in winter and take them down and was told I would get beaten if I let the sheets touch the ground (I was all of 6 years old and had to stand on a chair in order to reach the clothesline). Some of the abuse stopped when my father came home unexpectedly from a trip and found me struggling to take down the clothes. Many years ago I came to realize that my mother had some very serious mental problems that came to the surface when I was about 19 and was left in charge of my 3 siblings who were still at home. She argued constantly with my father and whenever I begged her to quit fighting with my daddy she was very dismissive, so I developed stomach issues. I appreciate the information you share with us and think it has helped me realize I really do have some value. Thank you!

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

OF COURSE YOU HAVE VALUE!! I'm so sorry you have doubted it but I understand why you have based on your childhood. I hope you will work toward giving yourself what you never got. You deserve so much more.

[@BETH..._...]

@ginnywalker184 • your story brought me to tears. I am sorry for what you experienced. Yes, you do have value! Hope this finds you well ♥︎

[@jmf2674]

It's been a long slow evolution for humankind's emotional well being. ..slowly learning to be kind and thoughtful. Many generations have been abusive/abused. .we can see the results of this in today's society. Also can see progress to be better people

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

I'm sorry you experienced all that, it's so understandable that you feel the way you do, but none of that was your fault. While your dad wasn't around much it's still a good thing that he could see what was wrong when he came back, and didn't just let it continue.

[@ginnywalker184]

@@DrJoniceWebbphd Thank you!

[@susanw9475]

This is my first video of yours and I appreciate it. What I like is that you're able to talk about family dynamics in which the parents were not totally neglectful or cruel, but still missed the mark in a lot of ways. It's important to talk about that, both for ourselves and our descendants.

[@marysmail8994]

My parents never mentioned my emotions unless it was to punish me as I was not allowed to be Angy, I had a father who delighted in making his kids cry...what you are describing, I can only imagine happpening

[@karenbota3118]

This video was incredible. I am 67 and have struggled my whole life with … a variety of things. As you’re talking about emotional neglect, though, I have to say that for me, it was being told that I didn’t really feel the way that I felt. So not only was I told i didn’t know what I felt, I was programmed to not trust what I felt. This was by a narcissistic mother. So if I ever got close to the point of thinking that I knew how I was feeling about some thing, she literally let me know that “that’s not how you feel, this is how you feel.” I have spent my entire life trying to overcome this programming. .

[@MB-fw5ut]

The exact same thing befell me at home. I was told, if I expressed a want or a desire, oh you don't want that. It confused and distressed me. I'm 68. Still struggle to discern what my real aims or desires are. Hard to trust, as you say--self or others. Things seem opaque. Can be so very needlessly exhausting.

[@terri371]

Thank you Dr. Jonice as you helped me to understand why I am the way I am. I grew up in a large family(10 siblings) with much chaos with a mentally ill father. My dear mother had all she could do to keep us all fed and well cared for. But we all suffered silently. Two of my siblings committed suicide. I always felt unnoticed...the words I used, being from an Italian family...were I felt: "Lost in the sauce". You have given me the compassion I need and tools to move forward. God bless you and thank you again for being here for us who suffer from CEN. 🥰

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

That phrase captures the feeling of the CEN child "lost in the sauce." You're out of the sauce now and can find your true self and appreciate Theresa.

[@virginiahilman7786]

Bless you. i also grew up in a large family we were verbally abused and neglected. i have always had so much shame. my brother also took his own life.

[@tess7798]

My condolences for the loss of your siblings, and for being lost in the sauce. I’m Irish with 10 siblings, so I can relate. I lived alone in a crowded home.

[@YeshuaKingMessiah]

Mentally ill parent can just wreck a family 2 siblings even suicided? Such a shame how 1 person can destroy a family

[@ruby-qv5bd]

Sending you hugs.............................. It is so difficult, my mother had mental illness and it was so difficult at times. Siblings didn't learn to honor each other and it is just so sad for me, too.........................

[@terris7842]

Yes, I experienced childhood emotional neglect. As a very young child I was very aware that I was supposed to toughen up and that my parents had little patience for emotions. When my family was plunged into the full effects of my mother’s alcoholism, our feelings were again nul and void as all the focus (attention ) was on her and keeping the family secret. That part, I still have issues with my parents about, but the earlier stuff, I now think they didn’t have the skills to do better being the products of their own “children will be seen and not heard” childhoods. I believe I did better with my own children although, I certainly didn’t have the tools, and I certainly wasn’t perfect at it, I instinctively knew I had to do better with my own kids. Perhaps that was my rebellious act - setting out to be very different from my parents. I’m watching my kids parent now, and thankfully the legacy of emotional neglect is a thing of the past. When you know better, you do better.

[@lynnbass708]

It’s not forgettable or unnoticeable, it’s continuous and painful and stays with you forever. You just learn to deal with it and ensure your children don’t have this problem whilst growing up.

[@smoothandchunky1]

Emotion sharing and being authentic to feelings were an extremely dangerous event in my home growing up. I remember getting a scalding hot pizza slice dropped on my bare leg tasty side down and starting to cry from the surprise and pain. This seemed like a normal response to this event. However, my poor Mom who was so terrified of her husband and my narcissistic pyscho "dad", she shut my crying down and said don't you dare cry. Anytime we got hurt on her watch we had to endure a torturous session or sessions of questioning from the pyscho. You better have your story together about a bruise or scratch or anything else. He would "inspect" our bodies when we were little. He would question you over and over to make sure he was getting a consistent response. I grew up thinking this was normal because it was normalized. I thought every kid had an A hole father that always took things too far. So, my ability to lie convincingly started at a very young age, it was self-preservation. My lies saved me from many unnecessary punishments and was done largely to keep the lid on the pyscho as it flipped so easily.

[@adimeter]

Bless you.

[@joycewright5386]

My husband once told me that he felt like he grew up in a daycare center. He said he was always, fed, clothed, and clean but no one ever held him or rocked him or told him he was loved.

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

That is a description of CEN.

[@rebecca_stone]

Beautiful explanation. I experienced this - but it wasn't till my late 30s and early 40s after years of suffering did I start to join the dots. This 'lack of identity' went to the extreme for me - unknowingly, I suffered from borderline personality disorder most of my life, it was missed by a host of professionals until 41. (I'm now in remission.). This endless terrifying untethered feeling, zero sense of who you are, inability to see or feel agency in your own future, the gnawing shame, sense of deep defectiveness... all of it comes from neglect. The lack of asking questions / checking in by my parents also led to zero sense of continuity in life, for me. And issues with object permanence. I'm working hard to build what I wasn't given. It's a rebirth, really.

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

What a great amount of work you have already done. The rest seems like "finish work." Getting in touch with your emotions and accepting how you feel and expressing who you are. Happy Rebirth Day!

[@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933]

I have mixed emotions on this topic. Yes, My mother left us several times. Yes, my father put me in a Catholic girls school at age 4 doping me off on Sunday night and pick my up on Friday night. He was married three times and we constantly moved, changed home, changed schools and added new members to our family without any input from us as children. Nothing was EVER talked about. We had food, clothing and shelter. Was this emotional neglect? This was the 1950's and children's input was not wanted then.

[@estherloske1396]

Hugs for you Dear one💜

[@rhonmc2782]

Things were different when us in 60s were children. Our parents didn't have all the resources parents do today about all the different needs children have. Their way of loving would often not get a tick by modern norms. As such, I can say the same for us. I loved my 2 girls and lavished all the things I longed for but missed out in ie I showed up for them in school, sport, interests, always encouraging participation and more importantly being hands on "involved" even sacrificing my own needs. Yet, 1 hates me saying I never taught her how to handle emotions and so was never there for her. I WAS there but she didn't feel that. That hurts me terribly because I didn't know what I know now. I guess she watches youtube, uses FB and limited therapy that has outed me as a bad parent (just as I am made to think that about mine through lots of therapy). I have one quote for all that blame parents for emotional neglect and ruined lives: "They / we did the best they / we could with what we had". One's best is a gifted treasure but not of value to most 😢 Today's parents have all the resources and knowledge at their fingertips. They are the lucky ones.

[@YeshuaKingMessiah]

I have a dd that swears the family Dr molested her, a time period, not even like “it happened that 1 time…” I NEVER left my kids alone with adults, esp in a situation like that!! NEVER She’s completely delusional. But very supported in therapy in this false memory they planted. So ur dd that says u did A, B and C wrong? Pick urself up and dust urself off. U KNOW the opposite. It’s like being gaslighted. Stay firm.

[@rhonmc2782]

@@YeshuaKingMessiah ❤

[@stst77]

Like every generation there are parenting gurus and advice where good and bad advice is given. Parents follow it because these are the professionals. Even today it’s the same. Today’s parents get some good advice but they are also getting some very destructive advice too that’s going to harm their children. Some day when your daughter has children old enough, she will understand parents can only do their best with what tools and advise they have. She will make her own mistakes and hopefully will soften her heart towards you.

[@rhonmc2782]

@@stst77 Thank you for such wise words. Your view about gurus in every generation having mixed effects reminded me of the ones that have damaged this new generation about to leave their adolescent world (I won't wax lyrical on what mistakes the gurus perpetrated on them). Your prophecy of my daughter softening her heart and through parenthood change her views of my perceived emotional neglect sadly will not happen as both by daughters won't be having children. However, I see myself in that role as I look anew at my own parents now and feel understanding that no longer needs forgiveness, just acceptance, for forgiveness implies that did harm intentionally. The latter is not the case, as it is so in my role of parent also. Again, thank you for your words 💜

[@stst77]

@@rhonmc2782 forgiveness can be extended for unintentional things as well. For example, if you go in a person’s home and accidentally spill something on their prized heirloom great grandmother’s tablecloth or if you accidentally bump into someone with your shopping cart, you would probably apologize and it would be up to the person to forgive or just be sour over it. A bigger example is when Jesus was crucified, He said Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing. In other words they were not intentionally killing an innocent man. They thought they were doing the right thing and Jesus forgave them. I say this to say it’s okay to forgive your parents. They may have unintentionally hurt you but the hurt should still be forgiven. Likewise, your daughter feels hurt by you even though you did the best you could so maybe if you haven’t already try to talk to her or write her a letter apologizing just like you would apologize if you accidentally spilled something on someone’s prized tablecloth. The tablecloth might stain and you can’t change that and because it’s an heirloom you can’t buy a replacement, all you can do is say you are sorry. That’s how it is with our kids. We all make mistakes with them and all we can do is see how we messed up although unintentional and just apologize and try to improve the relationship in the future. If your daughter refuses to forgive after you extend an apology and since she doesn’t plan on having her own children maybe life itself will soften her with time. If you still have a relationship with your other daughter, apologize to her and work on developing this relationship and maybe your other daughter can see your sincerity through her sister. I don’t mean to make this too long but some people forgive and others carry unforgiveness to their grave but even the unforgiving will one day understand when they get to heaven and then all hurts and pains will be healed and your intentions to be a good mom will be understood and vindicated. So one day it will be made alright whether in this life or the next so don’t let this tear you down. You did your best, God knows it, and I am sure you were able to put some good in your daughter’s lives that they carry today and maybe will be able to see someday.

[@arelisasteasuainzarra6220]

I have been emotionally neglect as a child, and it has been very difficult in my adulthood 😢

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

You can heal! Learn everything you can about Emotional Neglect and start taking the steps. You can do it!

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

Look into attachment theory . Dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment

[@debfox]

As a Gen X child who had an alcoholic mom, I felt this! Our generation literally had to remind our parents,by PSAs on tv, that they even had kids.😢

[@BronzeDragon133]

"It's 10 PM. Do you know where your children are?" No, Mom and Dad. You don't. And you don't really seem to care that much.

[@debfox]

@@BronzeDragon133 exactly! The insanity of it all is that it was considered normal!

[@janmccann8081]

Thank you. I'm 65 and learning to take notice of myself. My parents ignored me most of the time. My mother told me on many occasions that i was a mistake. Thanks, mum! She died 20 years ago, after becoming an alcoholic. My dad was emotionally blank. I had two older brothers who were academically gifted and could do no wrong, and my older sister was wanted because she was a girl and oh so pretty. It's hard to remember what didn't happen: all the loving things that were never there.

[@abeal49]

I grew up in the fifties and don't recall anybody talking about feelings, ever. My grandfather lost his father when he was only eight years old. His first wife died young, 49, of cancer. My grandmother was one of six children, but only three of them lived to be ten years old. My Mother-in-law's brother was killed on Okinawa during WWII. He was 21. Her first husband died at 61, she remarried a widower whose first wife also died at 61. It wasn't that long ago that loss was part of life, everybody's life, and all anybody could do was get on with it. They grieved, and they pushed on, and buried their emotions along with the dead. Many people experienced the loss of siblings, parents and grandparents while they were still very young themselves. Everybody was feeling sad, but after the funeral, they didn't talk about it. I think everybody was emotionally neglected.

[@smith899]

Yep! My siblings and I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I don’t know if she was truly a diagnosable narcissist, but she had LOTS of the characteristics! Sadly, it is my children have taught me so much! Kindly pointing out when I am overly sensitive, and things like that. One time I said to our teenaged daughter how sorry I was she didn’t have grandparents like I did. She stopped in her tracks, turned to me and said, “Mom, I would MUCH rather have wonderful parents like I do than wonderful grandparents like you did.” INSTANT TEARS!

[@angiesappracone1478]

Mine tooo. both my parents. In fact 😢😮

[@asdic888]

"I don't know if she was truly a diagnosable narcissist, but she had LOTS of the characteristics!" Heard that.

[@ladylaois8184]

i’m 62. narcissist mother.left home age 16, she’s literally destroyed my mind my anxiety is crippling me. my son recently died, we found messages she sent . she contributed to his death 100% in grey rock now.dipped in over the years but she constantly triggered me. i’m only now learning about narcissists. i had no idea.

[@lisabeaumont]

Oh crikey! All of the above! It’s impossible to imagine my parents asking me what I’m thinking or feeling or talking with me about difficult things. That vocab was never around.

[@rhodatuckey7119]

This is me exactly...my parents were both narcissistic and now dead...I have a hard time forgiving them...I was the only Christian in my family...

[@georgia5713]

Pretty much all of them. No one ever asked me how I was feeling, or noticed. Or told me that any of that mattered. Working on that now. It’s hard, and really scary. I always cry when I’m trying to acknowledge my feelings, whether alone or with someone. I’m terrified I’ll be shamed, like my dad did to me. We skirted all issues, especially important ones. Reflection of me too. All of them. I’m going to do that exercise at the end. Read your book too. Thanks

[@kcampos5619]

Keep going, at your own pace. It’s worth the scary bits and you WILL feel better.

[@nanettesharp1355]

I was the youngest out of 9 children. Didn't even realize how emotional neglect affected me until now. I am 60. Wow I love watching your videos.

[@fredseiss5287]

I am 65 years alive. I have been searching since my teens for the Holy Grail of reboot. In my twenties I came across rational emotive therapy and thought I was on the track to healing. Sorry...It was a no go. Fast forward to COVID...I took a leave of absence from work. During my time off I read a dozen books and online Psychology Today. Psychology Today was my Holy Grail. It put me in touch with the ideas of Bessell van der Kolk, Pete Walker, Byron Brown, and Jonice Webb. I owe a debt of gratitude to Psychology Today and the authors for freeing me from the prison of my own thoughts.

[@kcampos5619]

Wonderful!

[@sandrabaker3492]

Wow! Boy this me to a tee. My parents were very closed off, especially my mother. I was never asked anything about my feelings. I was lucky if she even acknowledged me each day. Very little physical contact. Can’t even remember a time that she hugged me as a child or adult. When she came down with Alzheimer’s it was really hard to feel any empathy for her because I had no connection with her. My dad was the complete opposite but was an alcoholic, a good one though who always hugged me and told me he loved me. I grew up in the 70’s and I could of got into so much trouble but I refused to give my mother any reason to dislike me more. I’m glad I promised myself when I had children that I would be the complete opposite of how I was raised. I think I did a pretty good job along with my husband who was from a home of very little physical contact but always had wonderful discussions about life, ask his opinions etc. at the dinner table. Our kids have grown up knowing we love them, that their feelings matter, they can express their opinions, even if we don’t agree and even now in their 30’s mom calls them to see if I can come by because I need a hug. Their wives were a little weirded out at first but now when I get there they are the first one in line!

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

Congratulations on giving your children what they needed even though your parents couldn't give it to you. That is a most admirable thing and you should be very proud!

[@ChannelMath]

#1 is so important. If you combine it with a form of the Worf hypothesis, it says that, e.g., if you never learned the words for sadness, not only can you not express your sadness, you can't even conceive of the idea of sadness. You simply won't understand what it is if you see it or feel it. Probably you'd think it's some kind of physical symptom like headache or nausea. This doesn't seem that outlandish of a possibility to me. I think I didn't understand what anger in myself was for a long time (although I did know the word and could identify it in others, I conceived of it as a brain malfunction that thankfully I was not susceptible to)

[@jmt7472]

I relate. I never had one conversation, never any questions from them, never a hug, no loving words, help or encourage from either of my parents. I only received derogatory remarks and orders from my mother. I left home at 17.

[@michelem226]

TV shows like Mister Rogers' Neighborhood and friendships outside the family saved me in childhood.

[@adt2475]

Dr. you just framed all the things that I used to feel perplexed about. I see people talk about what they love, they talk about their emotions, they firmly assert who they're but if anyone asks me this I really don't have answers about who am I, what's my self-image. I'm more worried about what I "should" like than actually pondering upon what makes me happy. Well, the first thing ever come to my mind about what I want is genuine love & connection but I struggle a lot lot in actually forming a bond. :'!

[@adimeter]

Nodding my head.

[@SDsearcher]

I never really thought about it before this video, but my mother never asked me anything. She just did not care about my thoughts, feelings, or needs. She was very good at mocking me when I cried or felt sad. When I asked her if she loved me, she became angry and made fun of me. She was sarcastic and said “yeah, sure. I love you. Does that make you feel better now? Did I use the right tone of voice for you? Did I say it right?” I grew up feeling unloved by her. I grew up feeling unsafe and afraid to express my emotions. Once, when I did express anger towards her, she responded by beating me up. She knocked me to the ground. I was 12. My mother never loved me. 😢

[@Stardust-xl8nn]

The hollowness in a childhood abused kid is real, a living creature that consumes you from inside out and creates a loop of self criticism, hyper critical, trust issues, self sabotage, hamper emotional and mental growth and maturity.

[@KateColors]

Something like one of the first things you mentioned was a phrase that came to me when I was doing some art therapy out of a book I got: "What I want matters." Growing up, I was the oldest and I was told I had to put my feelings aside because there were four other kids besides me. My best friend moved away after first grade and I don't ever remember anyone recognized how sad I was. I've known I've always had trouble with loss and didn't realize it until I did a lot of self-discovery through this artwork. These are only a couple things. Thank you.

[@7oclockmiracles88]

My parents were young & had 4 kids. We were all neglected to a degree and some bad things did happen. Yet I don’t Blame my parents. I see they did the best they could and appreciate we had it better then they did as children. It’s sad how so many people seem to blame everything in their life on their parents as though they had all their own needs met and just CHOSE to neglect them. They didn’t have time, money or resources. Few books, no Google, few counselors, no KZbin. I Thank God for my parents. Wish things had been easier but honor them for trying their best with little tools and resources. Glad we have resources today to help heal so abundantly all around us for those who care to take responsibility for their life today. The part we can control.

[@steevo8754]

When I was sad my parents didn’t want to deal with it - they just looked annoyed- I was just too needy (that’s the message I got). So I just put on a mask of cheerfulness so that they didn’t turn away and exclude me from family activities

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

There is no such thing as a needy child, only a child whose needs aren't being met. Throw those old messages in the trash and move forward embracing your emotional needs because they are healthy and good.

[@yoga-nidra-ademenmeditatie]

Thank you for explaining that it hard to remember anything , because it was there; my parents were bad hearing, and emotional neglected themselves, so they couldn’t help it. I don’t blame them and I’m no victim of my youth. I’m going 70 and taking better care of myself than ever and thankful for what the “School of Life” gave me as my ‘ homework’ 😉😊🙏🏼💖

[@eottoe2001]

One of the important aspects of therapy is being able to name your emotions. If your emotions are just angry, depressed, sad, neutral, or safe, you don't know what you are feeling a lot of the time. It took me a long time to learn that shame and depression were the same thing for me. It took me a while to understand that when I used the word "thing" that was about shame or sometimes guilt. "Things felt bad," meant I felt shame over something. Yes, we were quite closed down as little ones and young adults. TY for the video. PS For men, part of the reason we have fewer names for our emotions aside from hormones is that the culture limits them and what we call them. Grief is not appreciated and is likely to be disparaged in men. A lot of therapy for me has involved being able to grieve.

[@septimpotema]

I went through all ACEs well before hitting 10 years old. Now I’m grown up and safe and have kids of my own. I like to watch these videos to make sure I’m not messing my babies up. I read that it’s more likely for someone like me to harm my own children because I could have brain damage from my childhood. It broke my heart to know that I’m predestined to mess up because of what my mom did and didn’t do to me but by watching videos like this, I can heal a little from my past while also learning to not ever harm others even on accident. So ya W vid

[@dalenemarie]

I grew up in an emotionally non existent family. Now I’m married to a man that cannot show emotion and feels uncomfortable around any emotion except for laughter. He gets angry with me when I try to connect with him on a deeper level. He’s my second husband, and both men cannot connect emotionally. I was raised with a dad who couldn’t express emotion, and that’s why I have chosen men like this. Repeating the pattern I was in as a child. My connection is now with my Heavenly Father, God. He’s there for me whenever I need him, and now I’m alive in him. I do take care of me, and I’m at peace knowing I can’t fix these men… only God can.

[@kaw8473]

When an emotionally neglectful parent passes away, it's almost more difficult because you're not only grieving what you lost, you grieve what you never got to have in the first place.