Emotional Neglect: Healing From The Hidden Trauma Of What Didn't Happen

[@varnishyourboard]

Getting rejected after fully revealing yourself really reinforces the feeling of always having to wear the mask

[@david22591]

That's such a brilliant way of putting it.

[@varnishyourboard]

@@david22591 I'm so shame based that when I saw your reply notification come up it said: "That's such a b..." and I immediately assumed the word was b^%*sh^# 😂 Thank you for the compliment and "proving" me wrong

[@GSXR750wx]

I think the best, the bravest and the most beautiful thing I ever did was revealing my emotions to her. Her rejection was quick, but she wouldn't let go of me either. So we have been in limbo for the last 2 years. Even she admitted that she was impressed by my courage!

[@dannelle17]

@@GSXR750wx You deserve better, baby. 💞 someone out there would be CRAZY about you!!!!

[@varnishyourboard]

@@LightWarrior999 The biggest. The fear of it makes me retreat and make assumptions about others opinion of me before EVER trying. Plus if I don't get rejected (by not trying), I can't be all bad and my fragile ego stays intact!

[@ravsterman]

My parents never had open conversations with me growing up, now as an adult I have a huge backlog of dialogue, memories and emotions that haven't yet been processed

[@varnishyourboard]

I can relate. My dad was mostly emotionally aloof during much of my childhood when I needed a male role model. So many of my emotions during that time remain repressed because I learned outside the family that a man showing sensitivity was off-putting

[@greyladydamiana]

That’s a good way to look at it-an emotional backlog 😢 and that feels so accurate

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

Perfectly articulated ❤

[@djVania08]

So what's the next step?

[@ravsterman]

Stop influencing white supremacy in majority white countries (just wanted to post this here)

[@ariannepeers8245]

When I was upset as a child, my father would say 'Laugh and the World laughs with you, cry and you cry alone'. I both understood and didn't. There was no comforting or acknowledging my feelings. My mother outcompeted me on how bad anyone felt with her own ruminations. I never remember cuddles from my mother as a child. She mostly went about her day. They both mocked me often and if one mocked, the other said nothing or joined in. Or my mother said something superficially on occasion creating a Karpman Drama Triangle where she was the hero, but the abuse continued in the future. I learnt to deal with my emotions on my own in my room. Thank goodness for dogs. My dogs noticed and comforted me giving the unconditional love I got nowhere else.

[@juliet8678]

For me, it was a special cat 😻 To this day, I relate much better to the pets in my life. People are way too confusing and disregulating.

[@TimetoWonder222]

What your Dad said was from the poem Solitude by Ella Wheeler Wilcox if you want to read the rest of it.

[@daylightbright7675]

Part of why we cry is literally so we can alert other people when we need support and comfort

[@vemrith]

Wow you had dogs lucky you!

[@SeekAliveness]

My father was very dismissive of my feelings of disappointment, sadness, injustice, etc. As an only child and with my mother working evenings as a nurse, our Labrador Retriever was my emotional lifeline and the only being I could consistently count on for attunement, soothing, or reassurance. Thank God for him! (Still miss you, Zack, you saved my life.)

[@nyuuuchan]

Growing up -and still today - I am the good child if I am invisible. There should be no sign of my existence, not even a breadcrumb. The whole household danced and still dances around my father, who has a monopoly of negative emotions. Noone else is allowed to feel sad or angry, otherwise those feelings get belittled or punished ('it's your fault you got robbed, you have heartbreak because you chose stupidly'). His trauma, his childhood trumps everything -as if suffering was a competition. My mother enables this behaviour by babying him. He is the oldest and most important child, and us the actual children are a mere backdrop. I realise now that never having received empathy or listening ears has led to serious damage in my psyche. Thanks Heidi for shedding light on this issue!

[@wendaarmaaraan708]

Looks like you grew up in a narcissistic family as well....I can recommend the book: The narcissistic family, by Stephanie Donald-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman, as well as the youtube channels from Dr. Ramani (she also wrote a book: "It's not you", which is probably great, but I haven't read it yet) and Jerry Wise, who are both experts on this subjects, have a lot of free information on their channels, besides offering paid healing programs. Good luck on your journey to yourself and lots of love, Wenda

[@ravioliravioligivemeareaso4447]

Beautifully put. I hope you can find the space and love to heal.

[@healwithstef]

Boy do I feel this its my life too ... I just realized this as an adult when I went to confront my dad about something which I've never done but there was this pull that came over me that said you have to do this wellnin doing this he screamed at me and grabbed his keys and left his own house as my mom says I agree with you but I would never dare say anything it was like all my trauma finally made sense I shoved it so far down and here it was in my face like God did that to help me heal and I just found this video I felt so lonely and confused bc now I am also seeing where the triggers I couldn't understand are coming from and like the validation is wonderful but also now what

[@christopheguillaume4032]

Been the invisible child for 54 years. F*ck my life. Guess what solution I have come with ?💀☠💀

[@nyuuuchan]

@@christopheguillaume4032 whatever you do, please never harm yourself (or others). there's help!

[@orangetara4268]

My mother died when I was 6 years old. NOBODY MADE THAT EXPERIENCE MATTER. A few years later my father remarried an emotionally avoidant and neglectful person. She quickly removed all physical evidence of my mother, from furniture to photos. No one in my family, teachers, church etc stopped the neglect and cruelty from happening. NOBODY MADE THAT EXPERIENCE MATTER. My younger sister and brother eventually spiraled into chaos and taken into care. They eventually did not want to know me because I made a decision to heal myself and they decided to stay the victim.. NOBODY MADE THAT EXPERIENCE MATTER. I have been on a healing pathway for 4 decades. I AM TRYING TO MAKE MY EXPERIENCE MATTER 🙏🏻

[@ElectronicWhit]

I am so sorry, I see you & that was not right! Not 1 adult did the right thing for you or your siblings & I hope you find the love & acceptance you & they deserve! ❤ I’m 39 & lost my mom just a few months ago & had no one but I’m an adult & can ask for help (that’s another story) but my step father was a menace & hated that I idolized my dad who died when I was young, it showed his emotional immaturity

[@laurenannmusic792]

So sorry you’ve been through that. That’s heartbreaking, and they obviously don’t know how to handle trauma well. A lot of the time people don’t know how to process grief themselves, so holding space for others is even harder. They probably thought they were helping you move through the grief, and didn’t do that extraordinarily well at all. Please find it in your heart to forgive them. Otherwise Unforgiveness is like drinking rat poison and expecting the other person to die. We can’t change others but we can sure work on ourselves. And you can help others who find themselves in trauma, with the love that you wished you received xx

[@BeattaBurchill1]

😢

[@kathsames713]

Your experience absolutely matters! My mother died when I was 7, my 16 year old brother left a few months afterwards so he didn’t (literally) have my father killed. My father, while genuinely a good person, was fucking awful for the next 6 years till I ran away from home at 14. He moved us away from any family I had, wouldn’t allow me to see or even talk about my brother, every time I mentioned my mother he would scream at me and tell me she never wanted or loved me. He punched the only photo frame I had of mother at some point and broke the glass and damaged the photo. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. My experience matters. You’re experience matters. I hope you’re healing pathway is leading you forward and you realise that you, and your experience, matter deeply.

[@KatJack173]

Your experience mattered and I see your struggle and determination to change 🎉❤

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

I was actually literally told "You shouldn't feel that way!" I also was told I was too sensitive and defensive, of course.

[@linnhjertberg1110]

Me too! It was so damaging to hear this as a child. And now I have to undo all this damage as an adult.

[@akashajones6079]

I am so sorry you were told those awful things.

[@Climbingprincess]

Same, and I believed them. I was also told “Don’t say that!” A lot when I spoke my true feelings. I internalized so much shame because the caregivers around me couldn’t tolerate my emotions…

[@RemarkableMarc]

Same. I am often told i don't feel the way i feel still by my mother

[@michaelgarrow3239]

“You take life too seriously.” Mom: probably

[@nilesroberts3821]

What you call "existential loneliness" is exactly what I've alway's felt. I've explained it to others like this: "I live in open air solitary confinement". I'm a 65 year-old man, and grew up with a severely autistic mother who did not bond with me. My father grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive home, later was a POW in Nazi Germany; he had PTSD from Hell. At least he loved me, but he didn't know how to parent, and was swamped by his own problems. Of course back then, no one thought there was a problem. I've picked up some insight over decades, but that doesn't solve anything. You've said the most pertinent stuff I've come across (amazing given how young you seem). You and the CrappyChildhoodFairy. Subscribed.

[@aliciapatience6754]

Yes! I also love Crappy Childhood Fairy 🌹 I only just came across Heidi, but I'm hooked 😊

[@mariasunshine6968]

I'm 66 both my parents went through the 2nd WW in the Netherlands as young teens, my dad was also beaten by his father. They never dealt with their own stuff and left a legacy of brokenness. I see it passed all the way down to their great grandchildren. Sadly, most of my family will never even acknowledge their trauma let alone heal from it. :(

[@bryanmccaffrey4385]

Feels like the adolescent need to find your identity may have been thrown off and not meant. I'm studying this stuff and I cannot believe how much comes from developmental needs not being met.

[@nightknght]

My grandfather was a Korean/Vietnam vet and was emotionally distanced from my dad because of it. My dad was my hero growing up. He wasn't good at connecting, but at least he'd try! My mum, on the other hand, thought I had it too good with none of my parents being abusive alcoholics and told me so frequently, ha. She had to mature early tho to help run the household...I am hopeful that one day with all this education we can rid our societies of every maladaptive parental behaviors assed down generationally. A man can dream, anyways.

[@ruby-qv5bd]

I understand you. It hurts so much. I keep on keeping on, but it’s lonely, painful.

[@jasonbarton4521]

Oh, this is going to be good. I've spent anywhere between 30 mins and 2,000 hours during my life parsing my childhood for evidence of trauma - yet, somehow it never occurred to me to examine the converse, i.e., the absence of support. Thanks, Heidi!

[@saram5659]

Look up Gabor Mate, he mentions this a lot!

[@shoutingfactory3694]

I did the same thing. Eventually my mother admitted to some mistakes she made when I was a newborn that created trauma. Basically, she thought it was fine to go run errands while I slept, then got back early one day and discovered me absolutely distraught. In summary, she cortisol damaged my newborn brain. She never did it again after that but the damage had been done.

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

Ahh…. Neglect is a form of abuse. I remember learning that in primary school and it made so much sense. Nothing “happened to you” versus “nothing happened to you.” Big difference.

[@manishpandey-pm9oq]

I was sexually abused as a child and then horribly bullied throughout school. And I never knew why I never felt happy in my life and was always depressed and anxious. Im 30 now and only now have i started to realise my reality was already shaped in my childhood. Thank you Heidi for these videos, they give me some perspective and make healing a little easier.

[@melissasmuse]

❤

[@suramyasingh4529]

much healing to you!

[@emilphant]

I'm so sorry, I experienced similar things. Some people don't deserve their children, and their children deserve so much better. I wish you healing 💕

[@mart6612]

❤

[@nightknght]

same. I wasn't even bullied that badly, as far as I know, but with homo/gay being the go-to insult for middle-schoolers I lived this paranoia where somehow the events manifested in ways that the other children were channeling. not fun, lol. lots of shame. fuck the catholic church.

[@karrina2007]

I had such a huge rush of emotions when you said unconscious chronic self abandonment. Literally summed up so many situations in my life

[@BhumiDwivedi-ph1vx]

Absolutely

[@Hollyluya41]

Same here

[@dk6071]

Hugs. 😢

[@beckyearls2540]

This is life changing for this 63-yo woman who grew up "the invisible child" THANK YOU, so much hope that I've never had before

[@julietteferrars3097]

I’m glad you’re here. 😊

[@jodiebrown1962]

That's so exciting - gives me hope that I can heal no matter my age.

[@MaryIsbell-i6g]

Me too

[@maggiesmith6013]

Interesting comment. I'm 73 and spent most of my childhood learning to be invisible.

[@beatsg]

Woa, invisible child resonates!

[@DonaldSchneider-v6t]

As a child I spent a lot of time at the home' of my friends. It was in some of those places I observed healthy family interactions and I would leave feeling sad, not knowing exactly why. Now I am thinking it was because being immersed with family dynamics which were so different and more healthy than mine, on some level, made me feel "yucky" (my code word for feelings I had as a child but didn't know what they were.) No wonder I spent more time in those homes than my own. A million thanks for helping me with my emotional retraining.

[@aylan.6212]

Emotional retraining, great phrase!

[@universaltruth2025]

I would always feel sad if I saw emotionally healthy interactions as well. I try to have positive relationships with my own children. But even now as an adult when I see parents having healthy relationships with their children or siblings treating each other well and supporting each other it makes me feel very sad. The supportive father daughter, or brother sister relationship is hardest to see. But it is any of them really. Since I left home and I have a husband and children of my own my mother suddenly wanted to be the perfect mother/MIL/grandmother and closely involved in our lives. I resent it as she was very rarely emotionally present or supportive when I was growing up. She seems to have no concept of how conflicted & angry it makes me feel.

[@nightknght]

I thought it was the same difference between my parents' "public" and "private" faces. I thought it natural to be overly permitting and nice when company was over only to be dressed down by infractions you committed during the course afterwards.

[@jenifernadeau]

Your body knows... always listen❤

[@trishabensonpriesmeyer5044]

I did the same thing. I was always asking to be invited over for a sleepover. And never wanting to reciprocate.

[@Kristina-ci9ns]

Watching this as an adult who experienced emotional neglect while also realizing that I might be inflicting some of this on my own child is such a gut punch. Here's to healing and doing better

[@suzp8320]

The part about "not being authentic, but trying to be what the other person wants, or trying to be perfect" sums up what I do, though I expect myself to be perfect. Because if I were only perfect, people would love me. And I'm not, so they don't. I don't expect other people to be perfect. I only expect it from me. And yes, opening up myself completely and showing the real me on the inside in an effort to save my marriage, only to end up divorced anyway, was a special kind of affirmation that the real me is not someone anyone could love, and I need to keep hiding her.

[@suzannemeade6335]

Oh how well I know 😢

[@FunnyShellBear]

You aren’t hiding her, you’re protecting her - from perceived ridicule in the wrong hands. Which is wise. This was a smart coping mechanism as a child. It saved you. The trick now is to find safe people who will laugh with you, not at you. Only reveal yourself a layer at a time until you know if they are worthy of knowing the authentic you. I hope that mindset shift helps you 😊

[@BBaaaaa]

@@FunnyShellBear Thank you for those words. Bless you.

[@jac1161]

the hard truth is, when we expect it for ourselves, we expect it from others...same thing with criticalness.

[@BIZaGoten]

I can relate strongly to the first half. It keeps happening and I don't know how not to.

[@clonetrooper1998]

at my worst, i had always felt a strong sense of guilt over how much i was mentally suffering because i had never experienced actions or situations i could point to as a form of "abuse". this video has put so much into perspective for me and i cant thank you enough for all that you have shared through this channel, which has helped me in ways that have been life changing. thank you heidi

[@nellautumngirl]

Yes!! I definitely had trauma but I didn't know, it was a different time 15 years ago. Psychologists always said I had generalized anxiety and depression, which felt wrong to me. I mean, it was the symptom, not the cause.

[@s4rcelle]

I have to pause this vid and come back to it later because I can feel myself about to cry at work. I hate having a stranger on youtube perfectly describe my life and having no offline help to navigate these feelings. :(

[@katherines144]

JFC same. When she was talking about healthy mentors I said aloud, "yeah but those healthy people want absolutely nothing to do with my @ss!!" Hope you can get some offline help. Me too. Maybe I'm wrong but dang it sure feels like not

[@sallydr]

Even at home, this is so much great information I have to stop to just think about each section. It's a lot to take in and absorb. It is right on the mark for me.

[@wellinever1558]

Please say it here. I will listen. The loneliness is do painful.

[@victoryamartin9773]

Ditto

[@shimmeringchimps3842]

Heidi, you really are some kind of angel delivering messages from heaven. 15-20 years ago I saw two different therapists and both just sat there and nodded as I cried my eyes out. Neither one had any useful advice, and neither one mentioned attachment styles, CPTSD, limerence, emotional neglect, toxic shame, etc. Your videos have helped me process and heal from these things in leaps and bounds in just a few months. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. You are making a big difference in people's lives.

[@eternal_ks]

sending you love wherever you are brave soul ❤❤❤

[@dianeatpeace337]

15-20 years ago, CPTSD didn't really exist as a concept. Mental health resources and insightful discussions like this channel & books like 'The Body Keeps the Score' were absent.

[@barbaranelms8331]

I've had the same experience with several therapists so that I am now unwilling to waste any more precious time or $ in search of a truly useful therapist. In the last 2 years, however, I have been helped immensely by following experts such as Anna Runkle (The Crappy Childhood Fairy), Lisa Romano, Gabor Mate, Dr Romani, Dr Carter and Tim Fletcher, among others, on KZbin. Now I have stumbled upon Heidi. I believe God sends good people and things to us when he sees we are ready to benefit from them. I appreciate your endorsement of this woman and look forward to learning more from her while I still have time on this earth. Best wishes to you.

[@rickystults4218]

Heidi, I've never had the difference of PTSD and c-ptsd explained like that. So my ? Is could that be a reason why I can't or I have trouble trying to find answers of how I felt happy or calm as a child ?

[@annchurchill2638]

I just hate it when a therapist NODS at you.

[@vazzaroth]

This is finally the answer to my constant googling throughout my life of: "Can you be born depressed?"

[@petrhorak3268]

Damn, me too.

[@MolecularMachine]

I remember having a nightmare, and I decided I wanted to talk to my mom about it because it still scared me. I had read in a children's magazine about different ways to talk about your fears to your parents, and tips for parents for responding and helping. I brought up the nightmare, described it how the article said, and suggested one of the helpful activities. I remember a look of bewilderment and mild disgust on her face when she said she didn't want to do that with me. She doesn't just neglect my emotions, she actively dismissed them. No wonder it hurt so bad.

[@Exiled.New.Yorker]

When i was a child nightmares went to Gramma's bed. One night, my "Irish Twin" beat me to the punch. So i tried the Spawn Point out of desperation. She threw me out of her room.

[@potatopotatoeOG]

Hugs babe. I’m sorry you had that nightmare. You’re here and that was just a dream. You’re safe. ❤

[@lc5666]

I feel this pain, and the work you did trying to find the right way to get cared for

[@roseofsharon7551]

As a teenager I tried talking to my mom about the bullying I was getting daily on the bus and how I felt. My mom made it about her and told me expressing my feelings to her were hurtful to HER. I thought she was my best friend. It wasn’t until I was much older that I discovered that that was not normal, that I was madly neglecting acceptance, affirmation and love.

[@yesongahn974]

Challenges of adults with early emotional neglect 1. difficulty making decisions both small and big 2. toxic shame (feeling of fundamental flaw in oneself) 3. phobia of inner experiences (e.g. dissociate in the moment of experiencing anger) 4. existential loneliness (sense of self was developed in isolation) This can be changed first by getting intimate within oneself 5. repeated unconscious self-abandonment 6. criticism hits with intense defensiveness 7. difficulty attuning between the outer world to inner world and vice versa Healing from emotional neglect 1. increase emotional literacy 2. self-attune (e.g. intuitive eating and diet journaling) 3. learn to tolerate and regulate all kinds of emotions (especially the negative ones) 4. seek conscious support communities 5. find mentors who can help (believe people are compassionate) 6. natural give and take between inner world and outer world

[@hellofwinnie]

Thank you! Bless ❤

[@portalsandpathways]

Thank you 🫶❤️

[@Hairyderriere]

TY

[@SheetalVadali]

Wow! Thanks for summarizing. It really helped me.

[@ebbyc1817]

Thank you. The bullet points really help with remembering and consolidating everything after listening.

[@liljimmy8248]

I literally, an hour ago (30 minutes before this was posted) was trying to confront the neglect I’ve faced all of my life and became extraordinarily frustrated and frazzled and I go on KZbin and Heidi drops a 40 minute video on the subject 😂 how does she always know

[@micheleagren1604]

I just went through the exact same experience. How does she know we need her content at that time ❤

[@JohnGeranien]

Bc cptsd ruminates very similar topics

[@magdalenagutierrez3072]

It’s a mystery 👏🏼

[@lauren_WI]

Praying for you all who have experienced or are currently experiencing this. Great community, great comments and content with Heidi! Thank you SO very much! This has helped me so much while working currently in therapy! Sending ❤ to you all!

[@sergek6943]

Same for. And that happens often!❤

[@TheoDoor412]

I am an incest, trafficking and ritual abuse survivor who deals with a massive amount of amnesia. I can tell that “no one made it matter” and social referencing is a big part of how memories were repressed in the first place. Thank you for this terminology.

[@jac1161]

[@annak29]

You are loved, special, and perfectly and wondrously made.

[@Millie.Daze.]

I am so sorry for what you were forced to go through. Your feelings matter, and your life is important.

[@KatMoore-ih6mw]

What does ritual abuse mean?

[@ladycactus110]

Gosh that’s rough.Hugs from a survivor of a lot less. ❤

[@jonathanbassett3656]

I was for YEARS, I went to my parents about what was happening at school and I was told I should stop complaining cuz their school life and present life was/is harder so I shouldn't complain. I tried to reach out a few times, got shot down each time so I stopped reaching out and was then talked down to everyday for not doing better in school and for declining in social relationships and staying more and more isolated and being more and more angry at them. Then was told not to tell any doctors what was going on or else they'll look like bad parents. To this day my anger is through the roof at them unless I focus on other things

[@JJ_FLA]

Bless your heart♥️ you knew better than your parents even at a very young age. Angering is part of healing too so allow yourself to get mad at them sometimes. Strangely is suppose to lead to forgiveness. 💕

[@annak29]

That, and also find something creative activity you REALLY enjoy, like totally new and different, something you may have wanted to do that your parents didn't support or provide for you. I am learning music on a new instrument and it helps channel my energy into a positive and rewarding endeavor (not work).

[@clboymom9467]

Mine was “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all, and think about the starving kids in Africa. You should be thankful.

[@jonathanbassett3656]

@@clboymom9467 yep. my mom would say something like that, her's was China. Yet I bet yours are acting like victims right now just like mine. They are just children having children. BIG HUGS

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

I wish you good friends and a supportive community.

[@meta253]

The first time I saw a list of the emotional needs that children/people have, it was really shocking and eye-opening. I had no idea that there were people who had some of those things!

[@jenifernadeau]

There really are no parents 100% equipped to provide it for kids.. because they can't give what they never were given either.. Parents aren't often able to be fully present for a child.. let alone 2 or more, unless they've done their own self care to learn self worth/value.

[@maryntalysenazjwa6096]

@@jenifernadeau then these "parents" shouldn't have any kids, I guess... I don't feel sorry for bad parents at all.

[@akessler2596]

​@@maryntalysenazjwa6096 I would guess that too many people aren't self aware enough to know whether being a parent is for them, or not. That said, I'm glad I knew from a young age that I didn't want to be a parent.

[@celiasleigh2805]

​@@jenifernadeauI read somewhere you only need like 30% met to be stable.

[@nellautumngirl]

Omg yes

[@beneveritt2720]

One thing that really resonated with this video for me was finding a purpose that not only forces you to go outside, but forces you to interact with the world around you. For me it was going outside to take photographs of people, as you have to approach them confidently, explain your intent, and carefully take a portrait of them in public with their consent. This interaction has changed my life quite substantially, where I'm able to have so many organic conversations with people on the street.

[@maliniatb]

And what do you tell them what your intentions are? That sounds really nice but... I have no idea what I could say to people :o

[@beneveritt2720]

I guess if you just tell them your intentionality as an artist people would generally be quite understanding. Obviously this can't be a vague intention, but I just say things like 'I'm trying to capture everyday stories of the city and it's inhabitants. The interaction becomes easier once you refine your own art style and present yourself seriously and professionally. Again, your intentionality only starts to manifest once you take the first step. The more open ended the better the outcome.

[@maliniatb]

@beneveritt2720 that sounds really good, thank you 😊

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

Wow🎉🎉🎉❤

[@xAmerlioration]

I agree with you wholeheartedly that this is one that is very easily missed. I’m a therapist by trade and I do a lot of schema therapy which identifies a lot of different life traps that people have. One of them is emotional deprivation, which is born of emotional neglect, which is what you are talking about. It’s one that I’ve had to work through myself and one that I have a lot of clients who also struggle with it. Especially man. I’m in therapist groups where people talk about having clients who don’t really know what they need and don’t really have much to say but insist on being in therapy and how people feel so stymied. Nearly all of them have an emotional deprivation schema, or a history of emotional neglect. None of their needs were ever taken seriously. They aren’t in tune with their needs. To me, it’s always big flashing lights of assessed for an emotional deprivation schema and 99% of the time when that’s going on, that’s what happened. So many people don’t even really know what’s actually missing because I never really had the experience and it’s something that’s so much harder to put into words. The book reinventing your life by Jeffrey Young, has a lot of great information on this one in the emotional deprivation chapter Thank you for making this video, Heidi! I will definitely share it with some of my clients. I’ve shared many of your videos with clients. I’ve had some who have significantly healed attachment wounds, and are finally in relationships for the first time. One even jokes about how he went down a Heidi rabbit hole, and how helpful it was for him Thank you for everything you do!

[@Koozomec]

Thank you for citing "reinvent your life." It has helped me a lot and was given to me by my therapist. While reading the different biographies in the book i cried few times. I will read it again, have a wonderfull day ! (PS The french translation is not bad but can be improved)

[@Holly-d1n]

The biggest gift you can give yourself is that gift of showing up for yourself. Some of us even realized at that moment though we always had company we were alone. There's a big difference between being surrounded by people and having caring connections. God will also bring you the best people in the world in unexpected ways.

[@parkimedes]

Your channel is incredible! It’s been 50 minutes since this 40 minute long video was posted, and there are over a dozen comments saying you’re changing their lives with this video. And each video is like this. You deserve an award for this. Omg. Thank you for your service. I hope the ad revenue is paying more than a book deal would. I prefer this format over a book.

[@GlownDaDark]

The passion in Heidi's eyes is inspiring. I am one of the people she worked so hard to put this together for. Her love for people is a brilliant contrast to my parents kind of love. No neglect here. Thank you

[@katydid594]

Growing up, I was either ignored, yelled at or mocked by my mother. My father didn’t step in, and abused me in other ways. There was no one there to comfort, parent, love or support me. The family dynamic has always revolved around mom and her needs. Being ignored was the most damaging thing that woman did to me (and continues to do). I’m 60, single, sick, financially insecure, and never fully lived my life. I feel alone even around safe people. I’ve always been an outsider looking in and it’s a terrible way to live. Knowing why has helped a little, but it doesn’t remove the decades of negative programming by someone who should have loved and cherished you.

[@susanwright4414]

Please watch Msr. Rossetti's videos. He can help.

[@ingridrodriguez3273]

😢

[@markrichter2053]

You’ve just describe my experience too

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

😮😢❤❤

[@r.p.8906]

I attacked the absence of a parent as a wound last week. Your video is perfectly timed. The absence of a parent, mentally, emotionally or physically is a major trauma. The mirror neurons are key to normal brain development. They do not develop with an absence... It's a brain trauma, literally.

[@capleosag]

Yes. When I was 11 months old I lost my father because he cheated on my mom and they seperated. Today 29 years later I thought that it kinda feels like a disability not having been able to build this part of my brain. Additionally what has been built is totally crappy because the step father I got later for 25 years hated me with so much passion. I resonate a lot with your comment.

[@lnrdo]

The first 95 seconds of this video sum up the key concept that ties together all of the self-healing work I've been doing for months now. Neglect wounds us immensely, but it's such an insidious trauma, difficult to heal from because it's so easy to miss. When it dawned on me that emotional neglect can, and does, get passed down from generation to generation because it's largely an elusive phenomenon that happens "under the radar", it was a genuine lightbulb moment 💡😲 The more I looked into it, the more I realized that my parents' inability to teach me healthy ways of dealing with my emotions came from the fact that they themselves hadn't been taught, because of trauma and unfortunate circumstances in their own childhoods (also despite my grandparents' best intentions for them) This has helped me empathize with my parents more and has gotten me even more focused on ending the cycle of neglect in our family by working on being self-reflective, emotionally attuned, and kind to all my family members in ways we didn't know how to be with each other before.

[@laurenannmusic792]

I could’ve written this myself. Exactly the journey I’ve been on too!

[@magdalenagutierrez3072]

Heidi, there are so many moments in this video that are “Aha!” moments that I’m watching it again to take notes. One of your examples touched me sharply: looking around the room for some reaction similar to what I was experiencing internally and finding only what looked like dismissiveness or worse, the opposite emotion. I’m still learning to grieve the slow and chronic disappearance of one of my caregivers in front of my very eyes by the emotional abuse of the other caregiver and trying to make sense of so many things that didn’t happen. It feels so good to hear you say dismissing the hurt is neglect and there is a treatment to heal your broken heart. Thank you for taking your own healing so seriously and acquiring your art of communication that makes your wisdom so credible.

[@magdalenagutierrez3072]

I’m following up on one of Heidi’s recommendations and started listening to the audio book “Running on Empty, Overcoming Childhood Neglect”. It gives clear examples of 12 styles of neglecting parenting and an example of an ordinary healthy parenting style. It cracked me up from the start when they introduced the “ordinary healthy style” 😂 As I was listening, I was nodding thinking “No wait that’s not right”. In retrospect, it gives me a clear reminder that my own parenting I gave myself can definitely improve 😂 I can see I’m still neglecting myself even now but l’m learning about it and understanding, maybe even how to forgive others and myself.

[@nollie9311]

@@magdalenagutierrez3072thank you for the book recommendation! I’m going to listen to it too! I experienced physical, verbal, and emotional abuse while my 2 children watched for nearly 5 years. Their dad has moved away and we are all still healing from the damage he caused. I’m still trying to forgive myself for not believing in myself and leaving when they were very young. They are still young (both about 5yrs old) but a lot of their reactions, thoughts, beliefs, and experiences are tainted by the nastiness that hung around our house. I became financially dependent on him when we found out my second pregnancy was high risk and we decided I’d leave my job and be a SAHM. I never knew the full extent of what that would do to me as a person.

[@vickibazter3446]

Somatic therapy can do more in an hour than 5 years of talk talk talk therapy. She's onto something big.

[@roseofsharon7551]

Agree. All the talk therapy in the world can’t fix the distortion patterns in our bodies. The ego tries to keep us safe. Relying on the blame game or rationalization doesn’t make it all better. I have major trust issues with authority figures (including pastors and therapists) so I’m reluctant to bear all to anyone else again. It’s lonely and scary but the fear of re-victimization keeps me from seeking traditional therapy again. I need to pursue EMDR or other methods of healing my body first. Cold water therapy has helped me be more emotionally regulated but it doesn’t release the trauma.

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

True. But it might not have the same effect for everyone. My dumbass has anxiety so I sometimes need to decipher if I’m having an anxiety attach, heart problem even though I don’t have those, or if I’m really feeling bad about something. But I can try it. If there is a human being validating my feelings who sees patients like me, that makes a big difference for me. Talk therapy should not be discounted especially when people were traumatized for just talking.

[@wildmeadows8495]

Being around children really helped my emotional literacy. And blaming and grieving really helped to start healing.

[@edreynolds2819]

“…And other people can only meet us as deeply as we have met ourselves.” -Probably the most life-changing KZbin video I have ever seen, for myself. 17:25 (or a little before that time stamp) …and I’m only halfway through it 😂

[@TracyLydiatt]

This is 1000% what I have struggled to identify and finally have with the help of an attachment theory based counsellor’s help. Raised by baby boomer parents who were part of the “suck it up” generation….they weren’t able to acknowledge their own feelings due to their parents trauma. This kind of neglect feels like death by a million paper cuts. Was “trained” to be the doer, people pleaser and family peacemaker by this neglect. I am healing many of the things you’ve listed here with the help of my counsellor. Thank you for articulating this so clearly 🎉 This emotional trauma stops with me and I am teaching my nieces about emotional regulation and making sure their feelings are heard and acknowledged !

[@mariasunshine6968]

No wonder I married a diagnosed narcissist, he validated my inner world of confusion, dysregulation, shame and never being good enough. He was my parents all over again, very familiar. He was my darkest shadow side, the voice from inside my head coming from another body. It has taken 5 years alone to begin to truly hear my inner voice and lay to rest the terrible things I would say to myself, to turn it around and now have a loving, caring relationship with myself. Not always perfect but always forgiving. Being my own best friend or parent to myself, even down to looking at myself in the mirror and saying 'I love you' everyday, has impacted my wellbeing more than any therapy I have tried.

[@piggy310]

There's no such thing as a diagnosed narcissistic

[@tweetiebirdism]

How many people heard, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”?

[@jennylovetheland6564]

All of us

[@robg4472]

No one was even paying attention .

[@bryanwalthall5483]

I heard that line AFTER I was hit with the belt or switch. Then, when I would stop crying, I'd get hit again, harder, because I wasn't crying. I was raised by two very angry parents who should never have had children (I was an accident).

[@victoryamartin9773]

Yep, I did. A lot.

[@juan_castellanos19]

Oh god there have been sooo many points in my life where I thought to myself “why is this person complaining about X, this really isn’t a big deal” and you reframing that (when it comes from a securely attached place) as the person processing their emotions in real time was like a 🤯 moment for me

[@Ame-sens-ible]

Oh… just occured to me too. I’m always trying not to complain because I thought it would get nowhere. But actually, I’m not complaining, I’m just delivering how I’m feeling, my inner thruth…

[@skyekeira5290]

yes I guess when we aren't venting we aren't communication our emotions.. discussing thoughts and feelings is how we stay connected to ourselves and to others.. it seems so duh! Yet I couldn't connect the need to not say anything negative with the distance and self abandonment ​@@Ame-sens-ible

[@smallwonder7304]

Oh my! Heidi, I have been saying this to myself, The words "nobody made the experience matter!" My family's either dont say nothing, no comfort, no nothing or just without mentioning the situation just tell you to "move on" very coldly. But wow this video is what I've been trying to find and you have spoken of me to a T! Thank you, I have been unlocking parts of myself for some time but you have helped me to understand more fully about my inner reality, like a detective movie-finding the clues and then connecting them, is what your video did for me today 🙂 thank you for confirming this to me. I dont have one to speak to about this stuff and your video seems like it was talking to me and I was just listening saying "yeah yeah" the whole time. Thank you again for you wonderful works it has been so helpful for me in my life 😃 may you continue to grow along in your journey and hope all the best for you 👋🙂

[@2bit156]

Watching videos like this is sometimes hard and I tend to disassociate because hearing about the ways I’ve been hurt makes the hurt almost visible again. It sucks as well when you have good parents but they just fell short because of how life is in general

[@suzp8320]

Yes. I've come to recognize that my parents didn't mean to be emotionally neglectful. They just had absolutely no idea how to be emotionally supportive. My suspicion is that everyone in my family was dismissive/avoidant, and had no idea how to deal with my anxious/preoccupied attachment. The frustrating part is reading how parents are supposed to react (to give you words for your feelings, then help you regulate back to normal, so that you learn how), and recognizing that no one did that for me, so I had no idea how to do it for my kids (nor did their dad). I'm pretty sure my kids are sick of me apologizing for what I didn't know.

[@queenofwands111]

I struggled for years with being able to explain why I felt so bad in my family, why I started having depression as a teenager and why I hated my childhood. Nothing bad happened I could have pointed to. It was what wasn't there. But I didn't know about that, because I never knew about it. It needed a very good therapist to open my eyes and tell me about emotional neglect. Then everything made sense.

[@adamgoodhunter]

I came across this on another therapist video and have found it extremely helpful in addressing and understanding my emotional neglect and abandonment. Child's Emotional Regulation or Emotional Neglect 1. Emotionally Available 2. Attunement 3. Affection 4. Attention 5. Boundaries 6. Consistency 7. Communication 8. Validation 9. Space to Feel 10. Unconditional Love 11. Autonomy 12. Passion The 4 S's in Childhood Attachment .Safe .Seen .Soothed .Secure .Heard .Validated

[@r.p.8906]

This explains why my love language is WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT and Quality time.

[@chrisprzibilla4181]

Thank you for posting this list. Very helpful!

[@joshuawhinery208]

Mildly unsettling, but coincidentally fortunate that the last 4 or 5 videos have been exactly what I needed, when I needed them...

[@garlicgalore]

I don't think I've ever stopped dead in my tracks for a video before - even all your past phenomenal explanations which have meant so much. I feel seen.

[@andreatorluemke4982]

I pray that I communicate to my beloved child that she matters to me every day and that her inner world matters to me and to so many

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

Good. I pray that for you too🎉❤.

[@tedwilson1477]

I would LOVE to see a video from you that explaines WHY parents are emotionally neglectful, what causes them to be this way, are they conscious of it and can they change? I can see why all these traumas are caused by these care givers, but what caused THEM to be emotionally neglectful? My parents are in their 70's and still now they cannot even hug their 5 children, let alone tell them they love them. However, they hug and love their 1-3 year old grandchildren fine, but when they grow up (age 4+) and become a person of their own, they can no longer do it. Very strange!

[@almondmilksoda]

They emotionally neglect others because they, themselves, were emotionally neglected in childhood. It is generational trauma. It goes unchecked until somebody is brave enough to face it.

[@heidipriebe1]

A book that goes over this in a lot of detail is linked in the description of this video!

[@tedwilson1477]

@@heidipriebe1 Thank you!

[@tedwilson1477]

@@almondmilksoda Thanks for your reply. WHat you say is true, but then why am i not like them? I was brought up by them until mid 20's and when i had my first child i was the complete opposite to them, very loving and huggy. This was before i found out i had trauma and started working on myself. This is why there must be something much more than just them being emotionally neglected. So many grey areas.

[@don-eb3fj]

I would love to hear Heidi's breakdown on this topic also, as I'm sure that many if not all of us attempting to unravel our attachment traumas would. I've been exploring this same issue for a few years now since shortly after coming face to face with the realization of my own childhood narcissistic abuse, emotional neglect, and many other influences that led to my formation of schizoid defenses which I can retrospectively identify as having been present not later than age 9 and fully embodied by age 15. The short answer to why our parents were so emotionally neglectful and invalidating is simple- they didn't know any better and were unprepared to DO better if they HAD known. "Hurt people hurt people" is a truth that expresses in many overt and covert ways; many of the accepted social, religious, and "scientific" conventions are merely harmful cyclical reenactments of past injurious "wisdom" that have been acculturated and internalized along with the shame expressed by such anecdotes as "...but I must have deserved it" and reinforced by archaic tripes like "children are to be seen and not heard" (meaning the children are never seen nor heard and their authentic natures rejected in favor of a status-quo injustice), or "spare the rod and spoil the child", interpreted widely as a justification for trauma bonding and compliance conditioning through physical abuse- a "rod" is a unit of measure that should rightly be applied to accurately assess and discipline oneself, not an instrument of brutality to inflict pain and shame on children for the crime of being children and trying to grow into adulthood as their unique selves. These are more overt symptoms of a sick society, but more covert patterns like emotional neglect are passed intergenerationally in a similar manner and are even more insidiously destructive BECAUSE of the difficulty of defining something that WASN'T. The implications and impacts of abuse , negligence, and ignorance manifest throughout the fabric of our cultures, feeding the decay of societies and the human condition with each new generation exposed to their toxic influence. As a result of my own childhood emotional abuse and neglect I became estranged from myself and the rest of humanity, and spent 5 decades mostly suffering in silence (quite literally) until mounting losses and a catastrophically damaging relationship with a woman suffering from unidentified BPD brought me face to face with my own trauma history and the study of psychology- I thank the Divine for content creators like Heidi and others who have helped teach me how to search through the blank and blurry film reel of my past and begin to form a somewhat more coherent narrative of what happened, and what DIDN'T happen, so I can finally begin to discover the parts of me exiled there and slowly nurse them through a healthy development I and many others never had. One of the most profound insights I have gained from my intensive study is that virtually EVERY "pathology" listed in the DSM, ICD, and other psychology references is deeply rooted in and formed as an adaptation to conditions of emotional abuse and/or neglect, and until we understand, accept, and CHANGE the current reality of how our societies treat the most vulnerable and most impacted, we guarantee the proliferation of suffering for generations to come. For some of us, it may already be too late to reverse the damage, but even we can help steer a different course for the future by learning and sharing our experiences so others are less likely to be doomed to repeat them. This one topic is a "hot potato" issue that has profound significance within EVERY institution and "protected" viewpoint of our cultures, so I do hope I have helped encourage Heidi and all of us to do a deep dive into all the dark nooks and crannies to explore the fundamental underpinnings of emotional abuse and neglect, intergenerational trauma, and cyclical societal dysfunction- if we can learn to see it, maybe we can learn how to FIX it, rather than trying to bury it, for another generation to endure and exhume, under a veneer of "correctness" or leaving it exposed yet unacknowledged like a dead elephant in the room to putrify and propagate further plagues.

[@KaciCreates]

I’ve always felt emotions very strongly, it’s often too much for me to handle. Whenever I reach out I get ignored or told that everyone has problems and to just deal with it. What I really want is someone to hold me close and tell me everything is okay, that I am not alone. That would make my nervous system feel safe. I try to do that for myself but it’s not the same because I still am alone. I don’t know how to get what I need without coming across as needy. Everyone else is so independent and I feel shame at needing comfort.

[@loganpratt7122]

I am familiar. It’s a hard place to be. I’m navigating this landscape as well. I don’t have any answers. Just know that others feel and operate as you do. I’m working hard to cultivate provide this for my girls. And also to then build a habit and culture of naming and talking about what we are/were feeling. All without shame or dismissal. It means have had to development self regulation skills first, which has been hard. I wish you the best. I have hope there will be people who come into our lives who will hear what our needs are and say,” oh, that makes perfect sense, I’d love to do that.”

[@victoryamartin9773]

Existential loneliness. Finally got past the toxic shame and came out of hiding. Now looking to connect with people, and nobody's interested. More loneliness. Suddenly it dawned on me. At 68, I'm single, and all my peers are married. When I plead with them for support and get none, I feel shunned for being too needy. They want me to die to myself and quit being needy. Oh wait. Maybe I'm not supposed to bring these needs to my peers. They never share needs like this. Maybe these needs are supposed to be shared only with a spouse. That's why I'm so needy then. I have no spouse to share my needs with. I'm just speculating here, because I never did learn how or when to share my needs, because as long as I was in a relationship, I was never allowed to have needs!

[@Em-mr6wu]

Wow. For me, this was the best video ever. I often say to myself: "what is your problem? Sure you had an alcoholic father, but it could have been worse. He was a good man. Sure, there were SOME traumatic experiences, but..." Yet I've never been able to make sense of myself or the world. EVERYTHING you said resonates with me. EVERYTHING! I had given up on finding help (again!)...but you've given me hope. Now I have a starting point for finding yet another therapist, check out "circling groups" online....don't know how to find a mentor though. Thank you Heidi. Sincerely.

[@denisedusabe1187]

So glad to hear Heidi talk about using somatic experience to heal

[@CreativeImpulse]

I grew up with a grandmother who had abused my mother and then proceeded to abuse me. In hindsight, the fact that grandma could not provide any semblance of emotional support or validation to my mother explains so much of why I was so thoroughly emotionally neglected by mom as well. The generational trauma of seeing the woman who raised me be completely ignored, put down, shamed, or downright not-noticed by her own mother was actually very useful in the long run. Having a longitudinal look at family history helps to quell some of the rage I felt as an adult, acutely grieving the void where love and support have been.

[@portalsandpathways]

Wow! Thank you for this. You are such a light in the world. I literally paused this video at one point to process what you had just said. My mom likes to recall how, as a baby, I would get so upset that the only way she could “deal with me” was to put me in my crib, close the door, and let me calm down (self-soothe). It worked so well that I learned to self-soothe with alcohol and drugs and a lifetime of shame and dysregulation. I was in rehab and therapy beginning at age 14. I grew up in a family that appeared “perfect” on the outside, except for me. I was “ungrateful” and “overly-emotional”. Flash forward half a decade and I’m doing the emotional work to heal. All of the decades of therapy never unearthed the emotional neglect or CPTSD. There was no “event” that led to my behavior and my family still sees me as the problem. Thank you for your videos, they are a huge part of my healing.

[@NestPavel]

Thank you for another great video. For a long time I considered my childhood to be great. I was raised by a single mom and thought it was fine. Only somewhat recently I realised how abandoned I felt. Even at school I started felling like something is off and my life feels empty. Fortunately, thanks to a lot of great people, who speak about such issues, now I see the reason behind my emotional numbness. I want to recover, but for christ's sake, the fear of inner experience is strong.

[@dealarconf]

Thank you so much Heidi. While I was listening to your words, tears came out of my tears in a way I couldn’t control. I had flashbacks to my happy childhood, and could see with adult eyes how I was put to silence every time I was showing my emotions. My parents and siblings were responding to life as if nothing really mattered… and now I have an aversion toward smalltalk or lighthearted talk to the point that I cannot connect normally to other people. I cried because I was the wrong one all these time for judging others so harshly

[@jacobrich1907]

I've been talking awkwardly for the last four years to my therapist and mens group about myself and this video reasonates with where I'm at with my work. I've struggled internally with my emotions. I feel like I was shown/taught to repress emotions, and especially negative ones, but they have been simmering for many many years underneath anyhow with a fair amount of negative self talk. Recently I've been working with embracing my emotions, such as acknowledging that I'm overwhelmed, I'm nervous, I'm anxious etc to myself and trying to allow those emotions to be there and be ok with them. Its allowed me to actually be more comfortable in my skin rather than being so worried about what others think, if I'm going to screw up etc. This has been really helpful in a couple instances recently with working with my social anxiety and speaking up in groups, for example. It's felt comforting and it feels like I'm not playing out the same self-critical scripts in my head. One tool that has also been helpful is Tara Brach's RAIN practice. It helps to acknowledge, experience, and comfort yourself with your emotions.

[@SG_88]

0:49 this is so mind blowing. I struggled with this for years, everything was great on the outside so I thought the reason I felt so sad all the time was just my fault. No big tragic event to point to. Incredible.

[@shiny_x3]

I really relate to the archetype of the orphaned child, even though none of my parents were dead, they were just not emotionally available. This video is great, thank you!

[@itsyanna7596]

The title already hits home. I am excited to watch this intentionally and process it. Thank you, Heidi! Your videos are always on point.

[@marconius2020]

Wow, after watching this, I'm feeling called out! 🙂 All of the symptoms/signs you talked about when it comes to identifying emotional neglect hit home for me on some scale. The tweet you mentioned early on about PTSD vs CPTSD was spot on..."Wait...there was a before?" Having no real sense of self is so accurate for me and I am working with a great therapist on developing that as well as all the other challenges I have from what I experienced as a child and into my teen years. I absolutely love your channel, Heidi. Thank you for all you do to help others!

[@Monxtv]

Haha i was watching it to learn about others, cause I was so sure I know how traumatised I am and why. Turns out I have dealt very badly with toxic shame, phobia to inner experiences, existencial loneliness, self abandonment. I guess it’s all part of the same, this is definitely helping on increasing my emotional literacy. You smart woman 😁

[@yelenturquoise9631]

Your videos are a goldmine for learning to understand things I craved to understand my whole life, and which I couldn't even comprehend or put to words... I was bound to spend my existence in a weird, numb, isolated state, knowing something is wrong with me, but never hoping to understand, so I just hated myself. Slowly, I'm learning to change that. Many KZbin videos have helped me, but yours have held the most significant breakthrough for me.

[@lalailm]

The feeling of “existential loneliness” is what most stuck out for me. Just feeling like there is something fundamentally off with me that makes it impossible for people to get to know me fully. And man, that can make you feel lonely. Its exhausting having to always make sure people dont feel uncomfortable or weird around you bc they say they want to know but once they do, its “too much” for them. Ever since I was a kid I remember being afraid that people will find me too “heavy” or a “debbie downer” if I express just how deeply I feel things. So I learned to hold those emotions just for myself

[@joycegill8593]

I experienced this big time as a child. Also, I was born with a syndrome that magnified all my trauma wounds and being emotionally neglected as well. Going through all this childhood traumas, I've thought all my life, what's the purpose of my life and why was I even created. Thank you so much for taking time to create these informative videos. They are so helpful in the healing processes. ❤

[@Mqrius]

30:54 I really love that you always include a bit of, "okay, so all that is going on, _now where do you go from here?_" Sure problem solving is an avoidant coping mechanism, but it's also actually helpful when well integrated, and without it I just feel lost until I run out of energy for being present with my emotions.

[@shortforruthless]

What wouldn't I give for a therapist like you. I was feeling very sad about a breakup right when this was uploaded, and I immediately clicked. I'm letting the emotion roll through me, but I feel very seen. Thank you for all your work ❤

[@graceharding8280]

I’ve been watching your videos for a while now and the ones on fearful avoidance have felt like having the door to my inner world sparta kicked open, but I have been so confused because nothing happened to me growing up. No trauma, no abuse, nothing. I could not figure out how I could have ended up this way except that there must just have been something wrong with me from the beginning. How else could I have emerged from a happy healthy home with the emotional landscape of people who have really gone through some shit? I must just be too sensitive. And then I watch this video. And you literally say the words “too sensitive” and it clicks. As a kid my emotions, sensitive or not, were almost always treated as a problem to be solved using reason or logic, something to talk or think your way out of. I have crystal clear memories of my mom saying “you’re a heart person, I’m a head person” to explain why I would get upset at things she did or said that I was hurt by. Anyways this comment turned into a bit of a ramble but thank you for finally making the why and how make sense. It is hugely validating and feels like a big missing piece of this puzzle I’ve started putting together since learning about attachment theory.

[@KaylaJo96]

SO thankful for this video. The damage that is done by not connecting to our emotions is so intense underneath and yet so subtle on the surface, and it can be caused by something that seems so minor. Every time I see an angry child being ignored by their parent my heart breaks a little, but then I see videos like this and am thankful that we have resources, more and more as the years go on, that can help us break the cycle. One day it will be the norm to see a child angry and hear the parent say, "I understand you're mad, and it's okay to be mad," even when the adult thinks it's a silly thing or is frustrated in the situation.

[@IAn0nI]

We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are.

[@elizabethdehaye639]

Existential loneliness.....I remember as a kid, maybe eight or nine years old, watching cars traveling in the opposite direction on the interstate, seeing other kids in the back seats, feeling so deeply, existentially sad, knowing that each of us were all alone, and that we would all always be alone, and that we could never really know or connect with anyone else. Maybe I was wrong?

[@ijordo]

Thanks! I realize you never have sponsorship portion in your videos. I truly turn to your balanced, calm ways to process these things that feel overwhelming

[@Pk-nk5od]

Heidi, you inspire me to be a better person everyday, I'm not good at expressing myself but thank you very much for guiding me in my journey.. And i love you:)

[@whipwalk]

This is gold - seeking emotional validation for your inner world... and all i got was attacked, invalidated, amd dismissed.

[@victory902]

I was raised in the time "children should be seen and not heard". I was basically ignored as a child, except for my grandmother who listened to me and talked to me. I am just now coming into being able to be ok with whatever emotion or feeling I am having instead of ignoring or dismissing, or even dissociating which I realize I did when overwhelmed or in abusive situations. I also had the toxic shame that you speak of- "never good enough". I ask the feeling what it wants to teach me now, and allow myself to feel it and then pass on through. And, watching this video - I find I want to smoke- however I have quit. Interesting how just hearing this info still even in first half of video I want to run.

[@nellautumngirl]

My heart sank when you talked about shame. That's it 😢 It was such a deep feeling of.. overwhelm, helplessness.. loneliness. Not even sadness, just endless loneliness. I can see why our mind wants to avoid feeling that again.

[@antte87]

I got unreasonably excited when you mentioned circling 😂 I've been in the community in Stockholm for the last ~3 years and it's just insane looking back and seeing how much it has helped me. You're so on point Heidi, I'm so impressed and inspired by your work and it really helps me put my own path into perspective. It has been a herculean task to recover from these issues for me and anyone who attempts it has my respect and support. Go community! There are some amazing people out there! ❤❤❤

[@Laz_RS]

Emotions were never tolerated in my family. Good or bad, it didn't matter, my parents were embarrassed by the childishness of expressing emotion.

[@lorihoop3831]

Mine either, and if you spoke up about anything it was considered causing trouble, which was to be avoided at all costs. Still is

[@joannabrites9857]

Thank you for posting this. I’m almost 60 and just found out what was wrong with me. I suffer from chronic drug addiction and when I’m clean I can barely get out of bed. I don’t feel there is much help for me this late in life. I can’t believe how emotional neglect left me like a lost person. I have zero skills to deal with life and couldn’t hold down a job or have a normal relationship with people. I realized staying attached to my family was making me physically ill. What I have learned and this advice was from my daughter. She said to be kind to myself and listen to my body and what’s it’s telling me. Ya see the problem was shame and disappointment in myself because I didn’t function like normal people. Let’s not mention how horrible people are in today’s world. And the lack of the mental health community still in the dark ages. I love you videos and learn a lot so keep em coming.

[@laurenannmusic792]

Jesus loves you so much, He wants to heal you if you’ll let him. Nothing is impossible with him. Just reach out to us, I’ll be praying for you! You can get through this, you will break through this.. with Jesus. Trust me, I’ve been there. Turning 40 this year and I’m finally breaking through and found myself with my identity being in Him, with strong boundaries in relationships, so much healing. It’s not impossible please hang in there, it’s never too late

[@AndreaAlexander-d4h]

God bless you. Know that you’re not alone, I have a similar situation

[@adrianopper9472]

I didn't realize how much impact emotional neglect has on emotional regulation. Thank you for this video!

[@becomingladysarah]

As a child, I could return home from school in tears, and tell my mom that I had been bullied. Her response to me as a child was "Just pretend it doesn't matter, and ignore it. Ignore your feelings. They only do it to get a reaction." As an adult I confronted her about this. Told her if she realized how damaging it is to tell a child to ignore and detach from their emotions, and that things like that have given me scars that I am struggling with, and working on it is really hard. Her response to me was. "So what? Should I have felt sorry for you?" Said in a really demeaning tone. That was the moment that I truly realized how emotionally neglected my childhood had been, and dysfunctional my relationship to my parents are today. I realized in that second I would never be able to get the emotional support I deserved from them. And that was such a huge step in my healing. Because in knowing they don't have the emotional capacity or tools to ever be able to give it to me. Moving forward from that experience I realized I wouldn't ever get it from then, because they are not capable of giving me any. And that made me capable of realizing... Their lack of emotional support and validation isn't reflective of my worth.

[@victoryamartin9773]

You were so courageous to bring it back up to your mom as an adult. That shows a lot of healing had already happened. What she said was cruel, but it was telling for you to realize the dysfunction was in her all along, not you. Yay! You reminded me of what my mom used to tell me when I'd tell her I was bullied, "Just say to them, ' Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me.'" Ya right. Even as a little girl, I knew that wasn't true. And then she'd tell me to say,"You're just jealous!" Jealous? Of what? What fantasy world was she from? I didn't buy her gaslighting, but since that was all I could get from her, I had to accept it as love.

[@becomingladysarah]

@victoryamartin9773 thank you! Yeah it actually did, and I had to muster up a lot of it in that moment where I did it. (10 years ago I would not have been able to give a heartfelt thank you like this either. And I would just have brushed it off as "yeah that was nothing", instead of accepting that.. yeah... That was a hard thing to do, and it did take a lot for me to confront her. I wasn't able to give myself any grace) I am 40 today. And as I keep learning and moving forward. I keep getting those "wow" moments with myself every time I realize a trauma response I am still doing today I wasn't even aware of. The last one I had was realizing that the reason why I am always the person going up and beyond to help my friends, but having such a hard time doing things for myself. It is because I have always learned that the needs of others are more important than my own. And doing things for myself would be selfish. No wonder I have lived through so much of my life thinking my needs are not important. 😅🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️ That sticks and bones line... I always roll my eyes internally when I hear it... It's always told to boys as if having feelings is something they don't have, or to girls as if they are raised above it. It is such a toxic saying. And the jealous one? Haha that gave me a flashback because my mom used that one too. 😅 Like... In what world would that make sense? I feel you... That must have been so hard for you, and can only imagine what scars that gave you as a child. I can relate. For me it developed into "doing things for others and getting a thank you = love"

[@victoryamartin9773]

@becomingladysarah What I learned was that my reality was not the same as others'. I never could understand realities that don't make sense, and I've always been criticized for asking too many questions trying to get clarification. So I had to learn just to be silent and accept the incongruence. Thanks for your response. You've come a long way!

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

Boom🎉❤❤

[@kimberlybrink1400]

I'm so glad to see younger people learn this. I am 61 and just realizing how the trauma has shaped my entire life. I don't want to go out with the big regrets. Time to start living!

[@samael7867]

the other day i was sitting outside, smoking a cigarette, watching the neighbours children play with theire parents, and it striked me, my parents never played with me. never. two years ago i stopped drinking and that was where my struggle began, axiety, panic attacks, lost my job etc, after i stoped drinking! normaly i would have thought things should get better when you fight your addction but it was exactly the opposite. i think i drowned my shame i was constantly feeling for beeing me, for every action i did, for every word i said, i feelt inadaquat. and it took me quite some time to behave socialy acceptabe. I had a lot to unpack, and it wasnt all about my parents, but they have been a huge deal. anyways i can see a lot in your video applying to me. Today i am doing way better, i have learned to set boundries and defend em, i have learned how to handle the good people in my life better and the people who are not beneficial for my health properly. sadly in worklife you cant avoid people who are not good for you, but i can deal with those people way better today. i dont say i am healed, but i am better and i am working to get better every day.

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

🎉🎉🎉❤❤

[@imaginativegirl126]

As someone with a very clear case of borderline personality disorder comorbid with anxiety and depression, I've had my own share of emotional neglect that might help someone. It came from every single family member. One of them was a doctor and her word was considered authoritative about our health issues. She didnt care much about what I went through and one of her favorite things was denying my diagnoses which was so damaging. I found so much peace learning I had BPD. It explained things so well - like living life without any skin, everything hurts deeply and gets to the core of you, constantly fearing rejection and feeling it over the tiniest thing, a terrible abandonment wound in early childhood that I kept subconsciously and consciously reliving in future experiences, weak sense of identity coupled with emptiness that allows others to get in and hit where it hurts, easily dysregulated by another's words, strong feelings that go all over the place. CPTSD or anything else didn't quite cover everything the way BPD did. She outright denied I had BPD when she did not have the competence to make such a statement nor shown due consideration. The more in depth I've learned about it over the years unlocking the nuances the clearer it gets. Nothing worsens BPD like emotional neglect. One time she went with me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with high levels of anxiety and depression. She agreed with it and always told me I should see a therapist. Then years later we all went for family counselling. The incompetent unqualified "counsellor" said I didn't have any mental illness in front of my already invalidating family and when I argued that I did, she quickly jumped in and said it could be hypochondriasis. This is coming from the person who saw me getting diagnosed in person and had seen me not being able to face life for years!! Betrayal on top of neglect and continuing to make things worse while never acknowledging that she did so - no ounce of mercy or comfort, only gaslighting. When family members who always neglected you start to act like they know everything about you and you can't help but take things to heart... its excruciating. A million wounds and salt in every one. And this is just a modicum of all the years of neglect and active abuse from family, relatives, peers, teachers and more. The only one who can move this mountain is me with the help of many others - but ultimately I'll be doing the integration necessitated by the healing and though a single word by others easily throws me completely off track away from my inner sense of integrity while feeling like I'm not worth fighting for, there's no other choice but to keep trying.

[@sunflower6434]

The metaphor you described regarding observing your environment and gauging if this is normal emotions I’m having or not, hit home. I realised my parents and I were never, really, truly on the same page most of my life. Like we saw the world from two different perspective and I tried to make them understand and they never EVER understood and got me or understood what I was going through emotionally. And that was so hard and frustrating. My friends are the ones who got me. But my real desire was to make and have my parents GET and UNDERSTAND me. And to this day, they still don’t. I’m at a point ( or decided a long time ago) where I stopped caring about getting them to understand me, because they never will. I know they love me, but they don’t GET me. Or maybe because all I ever heard from them was criticism and never praise, or they never knew how to sandwich the criticism with praise as well.

[@samanthaanderson8973]

When I listened to you speak about the specific communities you joined to help you process and integrate your emotional experiences, it gave me so much hope! I often find myself getting stuck when I think about which support groups could be helpful in this area.

[@crussell215]

I could watch this video 30 times, and I would still be learning. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and gift of teaching with the world.

[@skjelm6363]

This one resonates with me. I can confirm, for a long time I didn't recognize there is something that did't happen traumatized me - on top to what happened. I conquered the things that happened and now lately discovered the buried things I was lack of. The toxic shame is strong in me. I experience for to long now that there is not a single one that I slightly interested in me as a person, my story or what i like to do with my life. Ignorance is a killer. lack of feedback is a killer. I would love to get criticism, because I overcome perfection long time ago. But there is no one who cares. And yes, I should care for me first, but I discovered that I gave up somehow.

[@eternal_ks]

LOL , diagnosed as bpd but I knew that was not it. I'm soooo grateful that I've figured it out. the root to all my issues , emotional neglect. I'm such a brave soul, and so is everyone who came to this conclusion. Thank you Heidi

[@ZachAttack2U]

What an emotionally powerful and high quality video Heidi! Thanks for this amazing content... @16:59 "Other people can only meet us as deeply as we have met ourselves." That statement really resonated with my avoidant self.

[@miguelsopena6132]

Hi Heidi, I've followed you for a while but I can't express how much this video resonated with me. I've been thinking really hard lately about the neglect I experienced growing up thanks to videos by yourself, @TimFletcher, and others, even though superficially my family was very loving and there was no overt physical or psychological abuse, quite the opposite- My parents just did not discuss or acknowledge feelings, so I ended up thinking it was wrong to have them, and I had no clue what to do with them. It's a lot to process but thanks to you and others I feel that, for the first time in my life, I understand myself better and I may stand a chance of changing and growing. So a massive thanks. You're also supersmart and beautiful- Good luck with all your projects! M x 🙂🙏

[@emilphant]

I was emotionally neglected as a child and became a counsellor to both parents and an older sister by age 11. One teacher noticed a severe change, but I couldn't get myself to speak because my autism makes me selectively mute under pressure. There are so many memories, but the hardest ones were trying to open up about sexual abuse; my dad asked me if I was clear about not wanting it and my mum said nothing and texted me a rape crisis number days later.

[@amyfigueroa1911]

Brilliant. I’ve never heard a video that went this deeply and carefully into the impacts of emotional neglect.

[@flaggov6949]

This was very interesting to me. Most of it fit my experience pretty well, except when you started talking about needing to find relationships where it's safe to be authentically you. I have quite a few relationships where I am completely known, loved, and supported. I realized that the beliefs I formed in childhood arent even accurate in my own experience. In a way there's two versions of me, the one who believes what I learned as a child that my feelings are an inconvenient nuisance for everyone around me and the other version of me who is loved and supported. I have to resolve the disconnect within myself.

[@quila402]

I fit very well into this description as well. A sahm to 2 under 2, with a husband in a high stress career and no family around to rely on. I keep finding myself in periods of stress reverting to thoughts as my own worst critic, isolated, unable to articulate my emotions and needs with an irrational fear my husband will leave me if I'm not exactly 'right'. This video was enlightening for me, to have a clear idea of what is really the matter.

[@flaggov6949]

@@quila402 In both jobs I did after an extremely unhealthy marriage, I had the same problem. I was terrified I'd get fired if I made a single mistake. It made it hard to ask for help when I needed it which made it take longer to get my assigned tasks done.

[@CarolinaChickadee1]

Bless you Heidi! Youre the first place Ive found that hits on all of it and pulls all the “massive disturbances” under one umbrella. Now I feel like I’ve got a template to guide me thru the healing and self-work journey. Ive got a LOT of work to do. Really appreciate those community suggestions at the end btw ❤

[@jenp5759]

Wow. I had just explained to someone how I had three grandparents die during my childhood and never went to a funeral or even talked to about them dying,

[@Lihoradka-s6v]

HUGE HUGS. You describe the problem and the healing process just like they really are. I was happy to know I'm on the right way in my own healing. Emotional neglect is kind of invisible and cause terrible suffering, suicidal thoughts included. Let's raise awareness around this.❤

[@andrazbarle3110]

Haven’t watched this one yet, but I want to say that you have helped me so much on my healing journey. It’s not all roses, but your videos do indeed shine the needed light that makes my soul bloom, even if just for a moment, thanks!

[@dubstephify]

Your videos are like 1000s of psychology textbooks, therapy sessions, and spiritual journeys condensed into 30 mins of concise and accessible wisdom. Thanks for sharing this with the world.

[@lightandshadow50]

Hi Heidi, you changed the course of my life with your video on the lost child. I moved away from the position of ‘you’re okay, I’m not okay’ realising that’s how I had been in every relationship I had ever had. My life has improved in every aspect. Thank you for following up with this, it is so very validating. Thank you 🙏

[@SandiTink]

The “joke” reminds me of the look of confusion I get from every physician juxtaposed with the look of concern I get from every psychiatrist or therapist when I tell them that I don’t know what it’s like to not be depressed. Like you said, there is no “before” for reference.