Enmeshment, Detachment, and Interdependence: Healthy Boundaries: Relationship Skills #12

[@cdub9338]

You explained something in less than six minutes that my therapist couldn’t clearly explain in six years. Your videos have become my lifeline. Thank you for your work.

[@Peanuts76]

Right, Emma been helpful since the first time i find her channel

[@yvettetorres7829]

I feel exactly the same way. Why can't therapist just say this???

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

@@yvettetorres7829 because they live off of your problems

[@Amy.]

Agreed! She summed up what my alcoholic family experience was like.

[@yvettetorres7829]

Thank God I finally understand the difference. Our adult children aren't extensions of ourselves and they desire independence.

[@SumanBijlaniGynaecologist]

I had no idea. I used to believe that enmeshment is love☹️. Thanks for making things clear❤️

[@evadebruijn]

Control and manipulation are not love but supply, an entanglement, a trauma bond.

[@kaidenahmad8198]

You probably dont care but if you guys are bored like me during the covid times then you can stream pretty much all of the new movies and series on InstaFlixxer. Have been binge watching with my brother for the last days :)

[@kadekyson6572]

@Kaiden Ahmad Definitely, I've been using instaflixxer for years myself =)

[@hhn2002]

i would argue, that it is still love but dysfunctional love.

[@b.larson3151]

This is well put. The codependent dance is between enmeshment and detachment. Interdependence, Attachment with high boundaries, is difficult with other people who want to keep the measurement/detachment dance continuing.

[@andrewclark3390]

It might sound strange but I find that studying animated characters from cartoons and movies helps me recognize problems that stem from enmeshment. Animation makes emotions exaggerated and obvious so you get to appreciate every bit of someone else's emotional process without your intervention to make sure they feel okay.

[@Borboleta1212]

I remember being told by my mother as a teenager that I had “no right to privacy” because it was her house. As an adult I experience a lot of anxiety around dating/relationships because i feel my Mum is often extremely critical of people, scrutinising for flaws and nit-picking . So I feel “on edge” continuously and hyper-vigilant of anything in myself or the other person that may cause offence. And it’s very difficult to just relax and go with the flow. It’s of course good to exercise some caution in relationships, and is her attempting to protect me, but it’s at the point where I’m 33 y.o and have major anxiety about dating or even saying I’m meeting anyone for a date. (Even when they are a kind, decent person but maybe not who she would want for me ) I would love to get past this 💓...this video is an awesome help ~ thank you! 🙏

[@Janeknowsuwell]

I sincerely wish you the best

[@angelacasein7059]

I’m 33 and have issues with relationships as well due to over involved siblings and overbearing mother

[@yara-um6tx]

OMG I feel you on being hyper vigilant about mine and my boyfriends actions around my mother…it’s horrible

[@wandalee5010]

Omg! I’ve never heard of Enmeshment, but I certainly lived it! I called it empathy, codependency, and rescue complex. I didn’t want to see my children hurt, and I hurt them in the process. I think many of us did this raising millennials. I did the best I could, just like the rest of the mothers out there. I love your channel and your advice and therapy is amazing. Thank you for your extremely helpful messages.

[@virginiamoutlia3045]

As a daughter (ok I m grown up now, my mom is still alive) I always felt crippled that my mother could not even try to bring herself to see any mistakes she may have made. Not even mistakes , just my point of view. Recognizing you may have wished to act differently with the benefit of new knowledge and hindsight, is already a big step. It s good to know mothers like you exist!

[@meeeeves]

I am millennial and my mother also did this to me. Now in my 30s I'm trying to figure out how to have a relationship with her that doesn't kill my spirit. Woohoo!

[@brookephelps2162]

@@meeeevessame 😢

[@hangryturtle9006]

I needed this! I did not realize that I can have both strong boundaries AND loving empathy.

[@carabevanart]

Oh man, I have detachment awful. I hadn't heard it put so well before. My mother is a benign narcissist and never once growing up did she ask how I was feeling (and sometimes when I opened up to her, my feelings were belittled or ignored.) I learned to detach and not care... my dad detached from her survive and was distant from us too. Learning what an emotional connection is when I was 32 was an awakening and now I'm afraid to emotionally connect to my family. I don't want to be hurt. :(

[@riotprincess1983]

holy shit, i kinda knew all of this and still could not apply it to my own life. thanks to your incredibly thorough yet easily understandable way of explaining complex matters, I now can... feels like an epiphany I LOVE YOUR WORK!!! Thank you

[@honestlygio7830]

The best psychologists I have came across on YT. She is too the point, uses plane language, and very thorough in explaining the different concepts that are subrelated to the core of enmeshment. I am an only child, female, 40 years old and my mom uses the fact that she supports me financially ( I struggle to get a decent job bc of ADHD ) and her childhood scars to by any means necessary to put obstacles in all aspects of my happiness, spirituality, relationships, friendships, and personal goals.

[@Borboleta1212]

I’m an only child (33 y.o) and my Mum is incredibly generous and caring, yet will

[@matthewscott1091]

This is me and my mother. My father was so distant so I was all my mom had and vice versa. She’s told me SO many times, “I’m only happy if you’re happy.” She’s done everything for me my whole life. At 31 years old I feel crippled and constantly doubt myself. “Mom always does everything so I must be a big helpless baby.” Sadly my husband had to take on some of this need for help so he has to bear the burden of my not feeling capable & take over daily tasks I feel to insecure to perform. We’ve been together 13 years so I know I’m lucky to have him. I just wish I could overcome this mindset of, “You can’t be a grown up” before it’s too late. I’m 31 and times running out if I really want to finish school, have a career, a home, kids etc. it’s so disheartening & feels so hopeless. 😞

[@jasontheman7410]

I think the goal of parenting is to have your children grow up to be independent and not interdependent on you as a parent. So when someone says they have suffered from an overcontrolling parent who is probably enmeshed with that child that creates confusion and co- dependency issues. Sorry to hear you have had to go through that- it must be hard. The good news is there is hope- because you are focused on change and at a crucial time in your life when you are just starting the journey towards a career and family. This will be a crucial time in your life and most likely set the tone for years to come, as long as you continue to strive towards reaching separation from enmeshment but not at the cost of abandonment or detachment. Good -luck!

[@iragbag]

Hello, I just want you to know that you are not alone in your suffering. And it might not seem like this right now but you are strong enough to take care of yourself. And if you sit with that anxiety, depression, and the feelings of inadequacy and weakness then you will find a way out of it and that will help you will truly love yourself. Please be safe and kind to yourself.

[@mfb2021]

Jason man truth

[@ryarya3291]

same for me. I feel helpless in facing responsibilities

[@casestudiesinpsychology4930]

@@ryarya3291 I my mother in law is a narcissist and all her children use to run away from any responsibility and are severally enmeshed with mother. I feel really crazy and sometimes can't understand why they are so enmeshed and can't be separated. Can you show some light.

[@jaypearson2055]

This is one of the best videos I've ever seen on a topic like this. I experienced dealing with a person like this and I thought they might be doing these things with me, but I wasn't 100% sure. I felt guilty for doing things they didn't 100% agree with and I was often met with cold, distant behavior from them if I did or didn't do something they expected me to do (that I wasn't even aware of). Very clear to me now that they were enmeshed with me and needed me to feel better about themselves.

[@JasmineReyes-dh5kv]

Love how simply you explained it. Very helpful.

[@SteveJLegallet]

Great description of enmeshment, detachment, differentiation and characteristics of healthy relationships. I have shared this with a number of clients in my psychotherapy practice. Thank you!

[@ratoneJR]

More on interdependence, please. I have real trouble with a narcissist and continually lying mother. Constant denial and lies to cover for her own inaction. VERY hard to not need to detach. BTW... she is 82 YO. She has been this way for 50+ years, and only getting worse. Detachment has been the way I have been protecting myself, but it is not what I want.

[@marcelastacey890]

I wish I could give your comment another 100 👍 so it could move up in the queue of “next video please.” High boundaries and high empathy “ seem to be impossible to achieve with people who need constant reassurance in order to feel ok themselves -

[@Raminakai]

This is a big hit topic to me- I have been working on this for all my life! I still struggle. I am better- after years of recovery- but it’s still tough. I was a caregiver for 30 years. My empathic skills helped me anticipate others needs, but now I have chronic pain- and I find myself detaching at times and it’s tough for me to “ stay in the game” when relationships get frustrating. Thanks for doing this one. ❤️

[@worldofamina]

Your videos are so calming. You, your voice and almost like the space around you... it's like you have little children that are having their afternoon nap in the next room, and you took that moment to make a video ))))

[@quarteracreadventures855]

I get the same feeling! ;)

[@khakicampbell6640]

Wow! I love this! 5 minutes, and now I have a grasp of what the relationship can look like, in a healthier way. Thanks so much! 🙏🦋

[@gwenstacy3033]

I am struggling with this so much lately! I was enmeshed with my mom for years - my dad was abusive and not at all empathetic, so my mom used me for all her emotional needs. Recently I've become detached and quite angry, but also confused about what an adult relationship with a parent is supposed to look like (enmeshment started when I was a child and continued into adult years). My mom still shares way too much, expects me to help her regulate her emotions - if she's upset, she's highly vocal about all the (ordinary adult responsibility) things that are just sooo difficult, catastrophizing and such - and rather than helping me navigate those things as a new adult, I had to figure things out on my own and help *her* do things that she's done for years but for some reason it's the end if the world and so stressful. When I try to explain to others how I feel that I had to grow up way too fast and she treats me like her friend rather than her child, their response is usually something like, "Well, you're an adult now, and you can't change the past, so this is what it's like being an adult with your parent." I can't help but feel like I'm missing something and that, even as an adult, I shouldn't have to emotionally support my own mother

[@hopelessatusernames]

well, it's easier said than done, but if you can't alter the terms of this relationship while you're young you might end up like me, dealing with this in middle age with an ageing parent, it's not easy

[@angelwolf5089]

Your comment really resonated with me. What your mom is doing is wrong and horribly unfair whether she's aware of it or not. I know it sucks the life out of me for a long time. I wish you strength on this journey I know it's so so difficult.

[@angelwolf5089]

​@@hopelessatusernamesYou said it. Hugs

[@Follow.the.Light.11]

I as an enmeshed person learned to become interdependent through empathising for a detached partner. Eventhough they couldn't meet me in the middle after it all and we ended splitting up I did learn to see how the things I thought where good where not helpfull for the other person. How and when I behaved in a people pleasing manner instead of my authentic needs. I learned to change, maybe not fully, but I am grateful.

[@kates6793]

Wow you have no idea how much this video just helped me. I’ve been going through this with someone for literally years and I’ve had so many confusing feelings. Thank you so much. This is helping me find peace with the situation.

[@yirujiwang]

I always thought I understood the concept of codependence, which is kind of along the same line as enmeshment and detachment, but Emma explained it so well, and it makes it easy to correct. Thank you so much!!

[@ryarya3291]

Hi i was enmeshed with my mum (I am a woman) up till the age of 40, and it had huge negative impacts on my life. I am 60 now and am completely detached from her but the impact on my life is still there. How is it possible to heal from such a long term enmeshment. I do not think that I have developed my own individuality up till today

[@indigoziona]

I can see how enmeshment and detachment can dance a peculiar dance in a codependent friendship!

[@sans9089]

i feel like this should be taught to everyone at a very younge age..as the media we are exposed to and kinda believe in romanticizes enmeshment in relationship and distorts our understanding of love

[@bongjamesbong00420]

I'm experiencing this in my current relationship. I feel trapped like I'm responsible for my partners happiness and it's draining. I feel like I have to answer to them and it triggering and draining but they insist that nobody will love me like they do and make me feel guilty and like I'm the one throwing the relationship away but I feel immense pressure and feel enmeshment and trapped. I care very much about their feelings but I'm triggered by the feeling of enmeshment and codependency

[@iamsongforsomeone994]

I seriously hope you were able to get out of this relationship or they realized how awful they were treating you and things got better.

[@renaudlevasseur8327]

I really enjoy your videos, I can do some screenshot to keep the notes and they are clear that help to stay focused. Your great at your job, thank you !

[@danielchung123]

So clear, and concise in such a short amount of time. Appreciate you!

[@karami8844]

I’m in my mid-30s. My mom has never given me my space or distance to be my own person. Even when I went to college she wanted me to pick a school close to home so I could just stay home and be near her. So I didn’t have the college experience or independence. I didn’t make any friends or dated in college. Every phone call I make she wants to know who I spoke to. Of course, relationships are out of the question. She wants to know everything and everyone and frankly, those are things I rather not share with her. So I just don’t even try. I know I’ll never marry or have kids. It just sucks. 😢

[@happydays3678]

Karami, you are not on this earth to please your mom...or anyone else for that matter. Just because your mom wants to know everything, it doesn't mean you have to tell her. You deserve to live your own life. It's not too late to make some changes...be yourself, live your own life. Don't be afraid. Good luck.

[@ara.may.sauvage]

i'm sorry your mother didn't give you the space to allow you to be your own person, luckily you can still make the choice to do what you want to do from this day forward and choose to do what makes you happy. my daughter used to tell me she was going to live with me forever, then it was that she would live across the street, and while i knew that was not realistic i loved hearing it because we were enmeshed. then i thought and felt i was going to die from the pain of her decision to move out and the pain of the physical separation when she first moved out to get away from the enmeshment and we became detached. but now we are trying to have a healthy relationship and are working on interdependence. pls dont give up on your happiness, ultimately i'm glad my daughter did what she had to do to break the enmeshment as its best for both of us

[@Window4503]

Fight back anyway. You’re not a bad daughter for wanting to be your own person. In fact, you already are. The real illusion is that you aren’t. You have your own body and soul and mind. You still have the time and resources to change things. You even have the power. You just need the courage.

[@Laura-zc3ee]

I'm in the exact same situation.

[@haliec4713]

I was enmeshed and he was detached. Didn’t know at the time, now I do I will work on the enmeshment

[@ashiff7781]

Having pure empathy as well as clear boundaries 👍 is not being doormat nor selfish.

[@grassstrand]

Wow!! This video really resonates with me and some challenges that I’ve had in relationships. I love that it offers very tangible ways to improve relationships and move forward. I’ll be sharing this with like my whole family, in the right time of course haha. Thanks!

[@bhavnagarimellarao]

Thank you for this video. It put a lot of things into perspective. More power to you 🎉

[@portiaclark4748]

Thank you for this insightful video. I love your knowledge.

[@GreekTurkey]

How do you establish healthy boundaries with a previously enmeshed parent (who truly just wants to get back to that) without using detachment? I feel like at this point detachment is the only way to deal with living with these people because they just fucking cannot figure out interdependence on their own, but idk if I could be trying harder to teach them. At the same time it should absolutely not be my responsibility to do so.

[@Peanuts76]

Try to say no for things who gone your way and out of you responsibilities, it's hard and scary at first especially if you have trauma around verbal abuse and violence ...

[@TonyMontana-bu2no]

I never knew there was an actual word for the way i feel. I have a twin sister and i feel too invested in her life, and the video explained it perfectly..,. the only time i have true happiness is when her life is okay. I dont know how to put a stop to feeling like this. Its like i live in constant anxiety

[@shannon150]

You’re a star this helped so much

[@لمىالشريف-غ8ك]

Fantastic video about enmeshment. Thank you for all your valuable content. The explanation of all the concepts is short and highly accurate and educating. Love them! Thank you very much

[@souhirchouikha3878]

I can surely relate- thank you Emma McAdam

[@queenofzenk]

i feel like ive got a lot from enmeshment and detachment.. but in some relationships i suppose it's more like anxious avoidant enmeshment rather than detachment, so it's nice to have a bit of clarity.

[@catherinesinclair7727]

wow - that has clarified so much for me. truly life saving information and advice. thank you

[@Borboleta1212]

Fantastic video! I love how concise and clear this video is 💓 thank you for explaining this, I can very much relate to the enmeshment issues with my mother . Thank you for posting this extremely helpful content for free!

[@Jess-df3gr]

Thank you so much for explaining this

[@deanmauck8381]

This is very helpful. I’ve been looking for an answer like this for so long

[@marcelastacey890]

@TherapyInANutshell or Emma Question - High boundaries and high empathy seem to be impossible to achieve with people who need constant reassurance in order to feel ok themselves. It feels like all you do is reassure, and if there’s not enough reassurance, then there will be emotional aggression. How do you keep high boundaries in a situation like that? I would love your suggestions on this. Thank you.

[@kitsunealice3418]

Thank you for this. Amazing summary and crystal clear ! ✨🙏🌹

[@rachelzuniga5300]

Thank you, I’m going to follow up with my therapist right away 😊

[@jesseskellington9427]

Coercive Control (IPV) Can you talk about how "coercive control" counters the individual trying to become healthy in this mesh situation? Thx 😊

[@theforeigner6988]

Wow. This is very good. Thank you.

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

Thanks!

[@TheresaAlberti]

Thanks, this is so clear and helpful!

[@berritandersen288]

🙏I needed to hear this.

[@audreypelikoski1803]

This was so insightful. Thank you

[@stevenrodman7046]

This makes me so sad because I’m lost in my family I have no support system if I cut them all off and when I’m around them I still feel alone 😢

[@StephanieRZ]

Yees! The first few seconds so far. Exactly. Thank you in advance. I wish this was more frequently taught 😅♥️

[@marioromero3864]

The foundation of my relationship with my mother but so mucho more distortion grown from that

[@veradorzhinova7790]

Another very helpful video, I love your channel, thanks ❤️

[@victoriadescalso6580]

Thank you so much …. this Video was most important for me during this time of my life. 🙏❤️

[@mayajessica8558]

You did such a great job explaining differentiation.

[@ebbenielsen7]

Thanks for the instructive words about enmeshment. Now I sit and wonder about a question: How is the fawn response related - or not - to enmeshment?

[@angelwolf5089]

That's new to me and something else I can look up. Ty❤

[@tubber]

Another great video!

[@fernkitten]

i just can't get over this

[@princesspat5239]

Can you be both ? I act my throughout emeshment when I'm happy but when I'm hurt too bad I distance myself a lot because it hurts to care and im frustrated by trying to fix things

[@kirtiseth5614]

I guess, with exposure and experience we learn how to be with ourselves and with people. We learn what it means to be responsible for ourselves and to be with people. We give our undivided attention to the ones whom we care about or who we understand. We help them. We help ourselves too. We keep our commitment with them clear and align our actions accordingly. We also remain clear about our purpose ( dream).

[@angelwolf5089]

I needed a good example of enmeshment & knew where to come 😊. I found it interesting that your intro automatically assumed that there's mental illness involved. That is certainly my case but is that something that's part & parcel with mental health? My mother has schizophrenia & I'm her only daughter. Fun times. I know I can't fix her and don't try. As you mentioned my mode of dealing with her is detachment. Which as you say does not work. What struck me is that my happiness depends on her happiness. I didn't realize how true that has been I do set boundaries but it leaves me in a unsettled mood and literally ruins my attitude. I'm just now exploring the effects of enmeshment in the hope that I'll find out how to handle this.

[@avill012]

How do you do this, when the other person( parent) has no empathy? I have been emeshed to my mother my entire life, but now am trying to be interdependent. She hates boundaries.

[@renaudlevasseur8327]

What would you tell me if I tell you someone doesn't care about my feelings and disrespect my needs for privicy and independence ? Try to communicate what you feel when someone act a certain way and look for a way to find a common grownd. If the other is not willing to change, you keep a superficial relashionship where you always states your boundaries, submit or go away. In the end you have to choose you can't ask others to make choices for yourself.

[@ingrossa]

Yikes, boundaries really are necessary, even if someone else hates them. I guess that's kinda the point of boundaries.

[@indigoziona]

I think sometimes we do need to end relationships, or at least take clear time away from them. We can't have healthier relationships with people unless they're also willing to change the dynanic. It's much easier said than done when that person is a parent, though.

[@avicohen3035]

Brilliant. It is so easy to stumble from empathy to enmeshment. A person can lose his solid sense of identity, through enmeshment. Wonder how much damage a parent can cause his child, through enmeshment. The child can feel responsible for the parent's feelings/emotions, and in the absence of proper boundaries, fall to despair and guilt/self blame. Such a child is deprived from having individuality/solid sense of self identity. Such a faulty parent, is sabotaging/violating the child's self, by not recognizing/respecting the child's need for boundaries protected self/identity. Often Such a child cannot distinguish his feelings/emotions from the parent's feelings/emotions. Such a child cannot distinguish where he ends, and where the parent begins. Please, be careful, not to subotage your child through enmeshment.

[@valerierobertson8303]

Grateful.

[@hannahh8119]

How can I feel less like someone has to "save" me when I don't feel capable of rescuing myself within feelings of helplessness?

[@butterflyw3938]

Interesting and informative

[@beverleydryland1146]

Thankyou a brilliant vlog

[@adonaiel-rohi2460]

Detachment is high care for self

[@dee0731]

Great explaining thank you 🙌🏻☀️

[@alliemendel358]

thank you for this

[@johns-mylifesmagic4774]

Thanks, this is very relevant to my life & skilfully explained ; the examples and 'way to go' are very helpful, too :)

[@youtubered304]

Great information

[@Matthew8473]

This is truly exceptional. I read a book with a similar topic, and it was truly exceptional. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

[@utopiancitizen09]

I realize that I went "detachment" with my mother because she wanted to be enmeshed. I don't think there is interdependence available because of her lack of healthy boundries but it makes me look detached.

[@terra_cotta6319]

Can you help differentiate the difference between enmeshed and being codependent? I struggle understanding the difference bc they sound so similar...I guess you can't have one without thevother...

[@jane_7193]

Excellent.

[@burntorangeofficial]

"But cutting someone off because it hurts to care usually isn't motivation for them to change and it's often contrary to your own values."

[@tonyromano6220]

Very good analysis!

[@JV-cb9jy]

Great video’s, thank you!!

[@theotherkangaroo]

Good fences make good neighbors 😉

[@jyotivyas9286]

Beautiful ✌🏼😀❤️🙏🏻🕉️✌🏼EDI ✌🏼

[@richmac6345]

Dear Emma, thanks for this wonderful, informative video. I'm 36 and very outgoing, funny, extrovert but I can't experience emotional connections with people. I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents and was sent to boarding school at the age of 5. At 14 my heart was broken really badly by someone I experienced the most beautiful feelings of love for. I want to have friends, I want to like people and not be ok on my own. I am ok on my own but I want to feel the feelings of connection, liking people, love. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. In the meantime, I'm contemplating if "iboga" might do the trick of helping me lower the shield I have built up to protect myself from the pain of not ever being loved.

[@Lilacleaf49065]

Can you describe what the ideal connection looks like to you? And how does it compare to the relationships or connections that you are currently experiencing?

[@richmac6345]

@@Lilacleaf49065 the ideal connection is one of mutual liking, trust, rapport, friendship. Currently I don't have any connection with anyone.

[@nathan-ms3zc]

Im both, i can go from enmeshed to detached, sounds like fearful avoidant attachment style that i have.

[@phillynurse9492]

Bravo!

[@shaunnagoldberry]

How do you navigate this with vulnerable aging parents?

[@lifetimeactor6789]

This happened to me, but what's frustrating is I can't remember it being done. I can only remember back to around being three or four years old, but things seemed fine and happy. I must have gotten skilled at being Mom's "mini-me" by then. She was delighted with me and I guess becoming the way she wanted me to be like came easily. I think Dad felt left out and I picked up some rejection in that... But what ages does the trauma from this take place usually? 0-2.5??

[@arrantainsh8754]

Is this just another name for the relationship styles anxious-avoidant, secure etc?

[@age93]

How much empathy is "low empathy"? Would someone with detachment ghost a person just to come back when it's convenient? Would they care enough to help a "loved one" out of a dangerous situation? I'm trying to determine if my sister has no empathy rather than little empathy. I know her attachment style of avoidant, but i see so much narcissism. Between detachment, avoidant, and narcissism it's difficult to determine.

[@MindGymMeditations]

When i get in relationship, i have a hard time sticking to my routine and things i like, is this due to enmeshment with a parent?

[@gabrielledern7700]

Hey Emma, I found your work through your course on Skillshare, and I've just started your other course on Udemy. I love your work! I find the way you explain concepts really clear and informative, so thank you! I do have a question about creating healthy relationships: where do you begin when realise how dysfunctional your relationships have been with your parents, and when you have to continue to witness the dysfunctional patterns around you in the relationships at home? It feels like an enormous task to undertake (to change that is), but I'm sure you'll have some good insight into where to start. Thanks again for all that you do :-)

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

Hi Gabrielle! That’s cool that you found me through skillshare. I popped some videos up there and then totally forgot about skillshare- I need to get back on that platform and get involved over there. You ask a good question, it’s so easy to get overwhelmed by the challenges we face and when we get overwhelmed it’s hard to be motivated. One thing that I am constantly amazed by is the power of consistent small changes to create huge change over time. So I would say to just set a goal to make one small change each day- hold a boundary, express an emotion appropriately, work on yourself just a little and each of those changes will add up. It’s also helpful to get people on your team- as in: find a mentor, build a support network, get a therapist, attend a support group, let people know what you’re working on and ask for their support. At some point you may have to take some big steps like setting a hard boundary or ending a relationship, but mostly the little changes make the foundation of change. “ how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time” :)

[@gabrielledern7700]

@@TherapyinaNutshell Thank you for your thoughtful reply! I will continue learning and taking small steps in the direction I'd like to go. Thank you again for all the work you share! G

[@kingtahaa1125]

Hi Emma , what is your course name on skill share , please let me know

[@Gothicforever1790]

My mom would hate this. I like it though. She often raged at the idea of separation

[@you_dont_wanna_know1969]

When you're married and love each other deeply, how not to be sad when the other person is truly suffering (also sad)? How could one spouse be a happy camper while the other is in objective pain? Seems to some degree that enmeshment is unavoidable in some situations.

[@katec9893]

II found this contradictory in several places and it made no sense to me. For example you said detachment meant underneath people cared too much, but then you said detachment meant low empathy which is the opposite of caring too much. Overall confusing and unclear.

[@moulee7448]

Yeah..they say dont be sad or depressed,i feel so painful and it distracts me from my other works in life.. Like wth! I felt so unfair when they said like that to me..i dont even have right to feel sad orr depressed..shit!!

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

That sucks, I wish they would be more helpful. There are ways to overcome depression, you just need the skills.

[@imwatching2960]

Is it possible to have enmeshment and detachment at the same time (with parents)?

[@ara.may.sauvage]

i just realized my daughter and i have been both enmeshed and detached, at times we have only had each other to rely on and at other times we have realized the need to not be each others' everything. what brought it to a head was my cptsd coming out over the past few years and just realizing how damaging and influential my adoptive mothers' behaviour was on me. luckily i was able to break the cycle of abuse with my own child, we were very close and enmeshed for many years, then she started to become more independent, then the ptsd attacks over the past few years as i remembered and relived the trauma is what took us from being enmeshed to detached. it seems like we have a genuine deep love for each other and desire to have a healthy relationship tho, so maybe we will be able to have this better connection of interdependence as i work through my trauma issues with cbt therapy and she works through her own issues, some of which were brought on by having to witness my ptsd attacks - we are now both taking and giving the time and space to do so after a rather turbulent few months

[@msinbalony]

Oh my god.. this is so painful to hear. Always between those two extremes, and wishing so much for that balance quality of the third one.

[@seasonalliving2881]

Is detachment ever appropriate? For example, an ex husband who left the family, actively still having an affair and has high narcissistic traits?