How to Stop Taking Things Personally

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Күн бұрын

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@TherapyinaNutshell Ай бұрын

Improve your mental health with the free course, courses.therapyinanutshell.com/grounding-skills-for-anxiety-stress-and-ptsd

@canaldepoimento3068 24 күн бұрын

Olá.

@canaldepoimento3068 24 күн бұрын

@clockworkthoughts7830 Жыл бұрын

One of the most important lessons you can learn in life: how people treat you says more about them than it does about you.

@aceshigh5157 Жыл бұрын

and your reaction is about you not them.

@bodytrainer1crane730 Жыл бұрын

💯

@triple_sec0 Жыл бұрын

That’s an assumption. Like the video noted, people’s comments that one finds offensive may come from a different type of cultural communication, or an oopsie like accidentally honking on the horn, or panic over an injured child in the back seat. The possibilities are infinite.

@triple_sec0 Жыл бұрын

Having said that, what you say holds true in situations of abuse - domestic violence, child abuse, coercive controlling partners, narcissistic behaviors from others, and other extreme personality disordered people whose goal is truly to undermine people they know.

@freyashipley6556 11 ай бұрын

So true! Even at my advanced age, I *still* tend to assume that people are making careful assessments of my worth before deciding how to treat me! 😂

@katiewright2232 10 ай бұрын

One of the best things I have ever heard on this topic is that “what other people think of you is none of your business”

@joejackson9986 10 ай бұрын

what if that person is your wife or your kid? then it definitely is your business...

@Gemmarose9012 10 ай бұрын

I think it’s one of the worst.

@sjinzaar 10 ай бұрын

Learned that from watching RuPaul's Drag Race❤

@nelliewoods8282 9 ай бұрын

😂 My sister told me this years ago and I always pass this on!!!!!!

@gravitypointinstitute 9 ай бұрын

I like that:)

@herpderp818 10 ай бұрын

I saw a video that was prefaced by something like "How do you take things less personally?" and their response was along the lines of like "Assuming people are judging you/ thinking horrible things about you is actually you judging THEM and making them out to be potentially much meaner individuals than they are. So now I just assume everyone is kind, and if they act in a way that contradicts that I assume it's because they have something going on in their lives, forgive them, and move on." That was really eye opening to me to hear it from that perspective. Assuming people are thinking the worst of you is, in a way, judgement of them. Lets believe that people are kind, and try to be kind ourselves.

@nohaaljawhary2058 10 ай бұрын

I love this perspective! Thanks for sharing. So many times we assume people judge us or feel they have attacked us, etc. But that is also us judging them through our assumptions, especially if we have not verified these assumptions and just make things up in our heads (stories our brain tells us).

@Itsgirlmia 9 ай бұрын

But when we to deal with such people on daily basis and they always act like that then how to deal with them as they are draining

@RB-yt6rx 9 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing this perspective. I want to follow this thinking in my own life. I have been feeling so alone and confused in life lately. This is because the world feels so angry and violent. But life is a matter of perspective. The world is ugly and cruel if you only look for uglyness and cruelty. Perspective is the most important thing for us because life IS what you see

@jasmainjasmain2906 9 ай бұрын

Appreciate this comment!

@Raenafyn 9 ай бұрын

This one feels much harder to get around when the level of figuring out what people's opinions are of me goes to "am I physically safe around them? Do I need to be prepared to defend myself?" Especially if someone has had prior experience with people mistreating them, it can be less about needing to feel like a better person and more about worrying about their physical wellbeing. It's much easier to justify avoiding people when it's put in terms of "misjudging someone as good when they really weren't has more risk than misjudging someone as bad and nothing happened", no matter how irrational or how low those chances actually are. Social anxiety sucks. :) It does get easier by trying to internalize the idea that most people want to do good, or at least are much more interested in their own lives to care what you're doing though.

@floridagirl8563 10 ай бұрын

“Don’t believe everything you THINK” is truly the root of most issues we humans have. We DO let our brain talk TO US WHEN WE SHOULD BE TELLING OUR BRAIN WHAT TO THINK.

@suzisale 8 ай бұрын

Best thing I’ve ever heard

@spiritheartlove 8 ай бұрын

YES!

@Allofyouwillbepunished 7 ай бұрын

Yes, like are we gonna be dumb if obviously we are bein fooled and disrespected?

@Bobfrommarketing_ 7 ай бұрын

The mind can be a battlefield 😩

@jilli813 7 ай бұрын

Yup! The struggle is very real.

@CarolMilters Жыл бұрын

I felt ATTACKED by KZbin for recommending this video to me. Then I started watching it and I now am FURIOUS that you are so unquestionably right so yeah I guess I needed it. No joke, this is one of my favourite KZbin channels ever 💛

@michelemiller7046 Жыл бұрын

Same here friend. I needed this video today

@ddos87 Жыл бұрын

hahaha

@murielsmart4532 Жыл бұрын

I just love the way you explain things and your sence of humor definitely comes through. Thank you so much for the free therapy , we all need a bit from time to time😊

@lindyc.2552 Жыл бұрын

I don't know, when my narcissist husband calls me a b@#ch, useless or ignorant I do tend to take offense

@ddos87 Жыл бұрын

@@lindyc.2552 and youre still together? who the f#@& calls their wife a 13!tc# ? im so sorry youve been treated so abusively.

@palomavano4705 10 ай бұрын

It takes an entire lifetime to cultivate these qualities.

@lexaneli 10 ай бұрын

Not if you make a conscious effort to correct your way of thinking

@wholesomeoatmeal 10 ай бұрын

It feels unachievable, but it really is. You won’t be perfect at it, but even if it takes say 20 years to be good at it, that’s still meaningful. Because 20 years will pass anyway. Do you want to be where you are now in 20 years or doing better and working on your thinking patterns in 20 years? Just gotta shift your perspective to look outside in, instead of inside out. If that makes sense

@blaketurner7989 9 ай бұрын

Right, and you're going to be living a lifetime anyway. You might as well start making it a good one.🥳

@kayp2326 8 ай бұрын

Amen!

@joycemutanda9261 6 ай бұрын

The goal is growth not perfection. And growth is continuous.......

@letsbereal0k 11 ай бұрын

1. Clarity 2. Boundaries 3. Solid foundation of self-worth ❤❤❤

@afrancis7475 9 ай бұрын

This is better than the video. Thank you, clear and to the point.

@zondra.genevieve 9 ай бұрын

@@afrancis7475or you’re just impatient 🤷‍♀️ could just say thank you and not rap on the video

@kaym.2854 8 ай бұрын

I appreciate this comment more than words can express.

@nicolejackson4412 7 ай бұрын

@@zondra.genevieve and you could be judgmental or critical...you didn't have to respond to their comment, especially since it wasn't to or about you🤷🏾‍♀️

@evansmith3589 6 ай бұрын

It's all harder to do when you are in a degree program where your arguments (!) for a theory are being critiqued. Maybe we all need debate or pre-law classes!

@-1lovethesea 10 ай бұрын

Secure self comes when your busy doing what you love and you have comforting people around you not when you’re tired and lonely.

@wassomebody2386 7 ай бұрын

So True!

@louisebotos7321 6 ай бұрын

100%❤

@heatherk569 11 ай бұрын

"Your core beliefs show up in your assumptions. "...... brilliant!

@cadmanwells 8 ай бұрын

People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character. Ralph Waldo Emerson

@LeoMastroTV 3 ай бұрын

@@cadmanwells So if someone says the earth is a bad place and capitalism is ruining lifes because african children and whole families are being forced to work for the global west just so that the rich 1% can do whatever the fuck they want because they can just pay their way out of literally everything while everyone else is struggling to keep themselves inside of an apartment with two jobs at the same time... that's suddenly a confession of my character being bad? Because I talk negative about the factual existence of inequality? Doesn't really make sense does it? Since the person would be absolutely right about the world. If someone says the earth isn't a good place because women still have to fight for equal rights.... what does that make that person... There is only one easy sentence that can explain something as complex as that. It's that the easiest answer, isn't always the correct answer. Just the most convienet to believe in and the most convient answer to make yourself feel better about yourself. That's exactly what boomers did with depressed kids. They just called them lazy instead of helping them, which just made thing worse. The world doesn't work like that. At least not in reality outside of the priviliged mindset of a white male.

@MyTherapyJourney 9 ай бұрын

I have always had the habit of taking everything personally. Even if I enter a room and people are laughing at something, I assuem they were making fun of me.

@Lisimachos 9 ай бұрын

Are you a highly sensitive person? Look at that ..

@SerlySitiZulka 7 ай бұрын

You're not alone... I always like that since baby .... 😢

@sarichipan5722 7 ай бұрын

"It's not about YOU" Love this. I once heard someone say that taking personal offense and especially always assuming people are talking about you is not simply an insecurity, but is rather due to our sinful nature as humans to give way to our PRIDE, sometimes shown as arrogance. Of course, being self-centered in this more subtle way could be justified by saying there was once severe neglect or abandonment, so one subconsciously actually desperately wants that attention whether negative or not, but it doesn't negate the fact that essentially we are stuck in the teenage illusion that we are or should be the center of the universe. Basically, I am not the main character. You are not the main character. The sooner we realize and accept this, the sooner we experience freedom from caring about the whispers or presumed judgement. Just let it go. By it i mean your ego. You'll feel so much better 😊

@tbillyjoeroth 5 ай бұрын

Didn't anyone see the musical Chicago? The song "cellophane"? When people treat you with indifference it's impossible to ignore. You don't exist. THAT hurts.

@AuroraB-74 Жыл бұрын

This is one of my biggest weaknesses. It all goes back to being bullied in elementary school.

@tunamushroommelt Жыл бұрын

samee 😭

@CardinalCat92 Жыл бұрын

Yeah me too. It didn't stop there, got it back in Jr. High and High School. That's why I joined the football team to knock the shish out of people, but the lens still sticks with me :(. I'll be okay though, I'll get better one day at a time. 1% better! YOU GOT THIS!!!

@beckydufour3929 Жыл бұрын

I'm really sorry you got bullied. People have no idea the hurt inflicted. 😢

@countesserzabeth1812 Жыл бұрын

Same

@Missgevious 11 ай бұрын

Same

@Ashley-id2cb 9 ай бұрын

People are rude, attack you on purpose, apologize later, do it again, and the cycle continues... best thing to do os let it roll off. Be confident in yourself, know yourself well enough to know if you should change for the better or not, and monitor patterns in people. There's always room for improvement, but boundaries are also crucial.

@marlenef777 9 ай бұрын

Thank you for this comment. Seriously. I needed it. Wishing you joy always. ❤️

@fs1512 9 ай бұрын

This true. But what if you cannot avoid the sick twisted damaged sob who has decided to target you? What if you have asked him calmly and repeatedly to stop and others have asked him to stop but he continues whenever he sees you. What if you were relentlessly bullied when a child.

@solhaher9114 8 ай бұрын

@@fs1512Damn sorry about that. I guess that best thing to do is completelyyy ignore them act they are a ghost don’t even glance his way. Idk if this helps but just try it

@Mada29m 3 ай бұрын

only received an apology from my father, so I have difficulty seeing him as a partner like my father

@ElaineBurke-mw1ol 2 ай бұрын

Sometimes, people are just awful & you're human... And you feel bad. Happens to everyone. Have a nice day! 😊

@dianaoliver5266 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this remarkable info. In the first 5 min. I began weeping because I have searched for this info my entire life in vain (I'm 67). I realized my life will be changed forever because of this 20 min. lesson. I've heard a million times "Don't take it personally," but zero instructions on how to do that!! That's like telling an alcoholic: Just don't drink. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

@s.m6605 10 ай бұрын

Exactly!

@tracylong8368 10 ай бұрын

I am 58 and I too have been to years of therapy, searched for answers to no avail. My phone heard my husband and I talking yesterday about me doing it again and this video came up. Thank you, thank you for giving me tools to change myself😘

@darc9782 7 ай бұрын

I felt instant and enormous relief after this. That two-column exercise - so simple, but a revelation. I will be coming back to that exercise whenever I need it. Thank you.

@rebeccawitmer9876 5 ай бұрын

Yes ! I made copious notes and I am definitely going to do "the homework" ... this is a bazillion times better than hearing my Dad say "just calm down" ... this approach is so grounded and will be actual help next time my stepson acts like the 12-yr old he is :) ... PS I'm 58 and have always been terribly passive-aggressive when I feel defeated by others.

@nomalie 10 ай бұрын

I struggle with this severely. I take even the smallest things in offense and become extremely defensive. Then I get angry and I am very confrontational. Some things are so insignificant the other person doesn't even realize they said anything but I turn it into huge conflict. I become convinced that I know exactly what the situation is and don't give the other party a chance to even explain their side or put in 2 words. When people apologize, I am unable to accept it. I tell myself I forgive people but I keep throwing everything in their face even years after. I have no friends, strained family relationships, and now in process of getting a divorce. I feel helpless because I've realized this issue multiple times and yet have not been able to make any progress. I've gone through traumas in my life but at 33 I feel like I should have been able to work on myself. I've been doing therapy and it's not helping. Sometimes I feel like I will never get better. Sometimes I feel like only solution is to leave this life. Please wish a healing for me if you can. A lot of the times I can't even stand myself anymore.

@generator6946 10 ай бұрын

One of the most important things I ever learned was the title of a book. “It was on fire when I laid down on it!” Years later I made up another catchy phrase: “If something is messed up, somebody somewhere wants it that way!” And one more: “It can be done by someone else tomorrow!” Have a good day!

@nomalie 10 ай бұрын

@@generator6946 I am not sure what this means but thank you for your response nonetheless 😊

@emmy3192 10 ай бұрын

You might try a shadow work book or journal. I mean at this point it can't hurt right? if you think about it you really got through the hardest part. Just self-awareness so be proud of yourself for that and find ways to go even further.

@Mashiyamahle8 10 ай бұрын

I have been struggling a lot with the same,but lately I am learning that my opinion might not make sense to the other party whether I’m right or wrong!! My advice to you is to walk away at times and ignore some of the peoples opinion,you are human they are human you both deserve peace and respect to one another.Heal and let go!!sending you love and comfort

@michellemajako 10 ай бұрын

Maybe you need a new therapist? Are you neurodivergent? I have ADHD, and come from some trauma, so my self esteem is just trash, and putting therapeutic things to practice is harder because of these things. I write things down and review them, practice like I’m in college on the subject, reminders in my phone to work on them. Change is hard. Virtual hug.

@pennypink3759 Жыл бұрын

My sister has always put me down with her jealous issues ,criticised me so I keep her out of my life. Some people are just bullies cause they have issue and it's best to keep away from constant attacks. I'm happy I do not have to cope with her anymore.

@sherrondadavis4816 Жыл бұрын

Right. I don't really like this video. But I like her advice. But people are pretty rude now a days.

@PrettyWhiteLady Жыл бұрын

I am right there with you. My sister and father are gone from my life for 1 year now. I received a birthday card from my sister on January 24th one day before my birthday, and I have been suffering horrible ruminating thoughts ever since, so just 2 weeks or so. That is what her bullying has done to me, I suffered daily with endless loops of the things that they did to me, so I have to work towards dismantling all of this garbage. It's a f'in fulltime job, I am so resentful 😢

@inezneal6917 11 ай бұрын

Yes too many people think they can heal and intentionally let toxic people around them. Getting away from them is the best option. I've had to do this.

@jeanniewhite5687 11 ай бұрын

I'm also in agreement with you. I too have two sisters who gang up against me and attack my integrity with my mom and my mom acts like she's clueless. I feel orphaned so I've just walked away😢

@jeanniewhite5687 11 ай бұрын

@@inezneal6917yes I've walked away too. It's better than being around two sisters who are against me and no support from my mom.

@shadowfax9177 9 ай бұрын

One of the best things I have recently learned is how complex PTSD is rooted in toxic shame. Really trying to overcome that and not take things personally.

@chinmeysway 7 ай бұрын

(i have all the ptsd symptoms…) just wondering what you mean here if i may ask, i would like to understand thank you!

@shadowfax9177 7 ай бұрын

@@chinmeysway Tim Fletcher here on youTube does a great job of outlining all the aspects of toxic shame. It manifests in a number of ways.

@shadowfax9177 7 ай бұрын

@@chinmeysway look into his 6 party series "shame and complex trauma". He can explain it much better than I can.

@lorencast 5 ай бұрын

Can you please share more on that. Thank you

@lorencast 5 ай бұрын

@@shadowfax9177 his party series? Who ? I would love to check it out

@jasminelavender9691 7 ай бұрын

My parents always said negative things to me, and now I'm super sensitive into criticism, always taking things personally.

@VolleyballMama 7 ай бұрын

Maybe it’s because their parents were not very nice to them when they were growing up?

@musicandpoetry_8 6 ай бұрын

I feel like abuse makes you more sensitive

@tinamaxwell922 6 ай бұрын

I grew up in controlling judgemental relatives uncle and older cousins not even my parents were like them but seem to be acceptable. Old pilipino culture. It seemed common practice back then.

@xoMrsWentzxo 6 ай бұрын

This was my parents too…

@kristianclark9672 5 ай бұрын

@@tinamaxwell922Sounds like my upbringing, too being Filipino and all.

@heather2050 8 күн бұрын

As a therapist myself who struggles with personalizing more than I’d like, I really appreciate this.

@blendajeti6516 Жыл бұрын

Just wanted to say that whenever I'm in distress, I'll just click on any of your recent videos and the music, positivity and your knowledge makes me feel better instantly =). Thank you for all that you do.

@DABADDESTBARB Жыл бұрын

literally love this channel

@rosemaryclarke2348 11 ай бұрын

I DO THAT TOO!❤❤

@sakuranovaryan9261 9 ай бұрын

There's probably a line between projecting,assuming/taking things personally and actually not agreeing or liking how someone talks to you

@igoturcookies2 9 ай бұрын

And that’s where establishing boundaries comes in

@immensebeaute5293 8 ай бұрын

‼️‼️‼️‼️

@Moon_Fire_Water 27 күн бұрын

that's where discernment comes in !!

@WisdomWar-ph9fk 21 күн бұрын

Let us resolve to be masters, not the victims, of our history, controlling our own destiny without giving way to blind suspicions and emotions

@stevec404 Жыл бұрын

The thrree steps to stop taking things personally - all three were missing from my life (age 7 to 70). I now have a grasp on all three...and I already feel the difference.

@iamenough6958 11 ай бұрын

Me too.... 😮 Byron Katie has a teaching on this topic... FREE .. KZbin her❤

@resinnut9335 10 ай бұрын

I'm a new subscriber and just want to say how refreshing it is to hear a professional talk about this topic on KZbin. I'm so tired of hearing how anytime you feel wronged, then you must be suffering from narcissistic abuse. That term is thrown around so easily, and I've seen many families suffer from labeling loved ones in that way. I so appreciate you! Giving us the tools to work on ourselves rather than encouraging us to play the victim is beyond valuable in today's society. Thank you!

@cgill914 8 ай бұрын

Yes this 💯

@P-rar Жыл бұрын

As a person who uses social media a lot, this was sooooo needed and sooooo timely to see this

@jendee1260 Жыл бұрын

maybe get off social media, those of us that didn’t grow up with it already know not to take things personally. sad what you all have to deal with. gl

@akankshavreddy14296 11 ай бұрын

facts 💯 there's so many factors that don't go the way you expect and that makes you take things personally. I get so worked up and pissed off when people don't respond to my messages, for instance.

@NinjaMaGoo22 6 ай бұрын

"Don't believe everything you think." Great advice.

@ronswansons_mustache Жыл бұрын

Man i never thought about taking things personal as a defense mechanism, mind blown. It makes sense and helps to put alot in perspective, thank you!!

@MarkThrive 10 ай бұрын

17:36 the pivot... the drama melts away! Hallelujah !!! This can happen people!! I have been attending CHILDHOOD CPTSD therapy for two years and my self esteem has taken me to a place with self/parts integration and nervous system regulation... I've reparented myself to the point there is very little drama! No more living each day -jumping to conclusions!

@lindam4259 5 ай бұрын

Happy for you! Any good therapist can help with these issues

@valerieEswenson Жыл бұрын

Normally I always joke in the comments saying “I feel attacked” but I actually feel relief. I know there are so many things I need to work on with myself & usually change takes action. Okay so when someone tells me let it go, don’t take it personally, stop thinking about it - all I hear is a non action and I’m like that doesn’t help. I feel like this is solid advice to help with putting the focus back on yourself & not in a bad ego selfish way. I always tend to get stuck in my head replaying things and turn them into stories and become the victim. Wouldn’t hurt me to watch this a few more times because I just kept nodding going yup that’s me!

@mariecarie1 Жыл бұрын

I appreciate your insight on “let it go,” because that’s always how I took it, too. It’s a really good idea to interpret that as, “Focus on what you can control and what your values are.” That makes much sense, and hopefully will keep me from rolling my eyes as much at people when they tell me this. Thanks!

@reneejones5915 Жыл бұрын

This is spot on! The more I think about things in my head the scenarios can spiral and my energy is no good. I too am going to listen to this video a few more times. And I appreciate the exercises to help us become better people. Thank you for sharing

@claudettedavis9842 10 ай бұрын

You are not alone. We could be twins. God put this video here so that I can be free of those triggers and live a better quality of life! God bless you

@WisdomWar-ph9fk 21 күн бұрын

Every man dies. Not every man really lives

@youtubesean Ай бұрын

This = Real, Tangible Therapy. Only a small fraction of therapists have this level of clarity and can communicate it in such an accessible way.

@ExpertBustice Жыл бұрын

I literally just got done taking something personally and dealing with the fallout from it. This was released 1 minute ago. I feel attacked, but I am going to watch anyway.

@dvdv8197 Жыл бұрын

You'd better because it will obviously help you! 😅😂

@doreenalexander1670 Жыл бұрын

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❤️

@andyb4579 Жыл бұрын

Perfect timing!

@MalkuthEmperor Жыл бұрын

Litterally the same Litterally Only im 4 hours late to the party Honestly, the vid put me in perspective 5 minutes in But i already knew i was overreacting i just couldnt stop doing it, till i redirected my focus I hope youre okay you human beeing Hope you have a nice day

@agathahofmann6977 Жыл бұрын

😂😂😂

@growwithneeko 9 ай бұрын

Yes!! You can’t control how other people act, but you can choose how YOU act/react. Love this.

@WisdomWar-ph9fk 21 күн бұрын

Every man dies. Not every man really lives

@NekinSenpai Жыл бұрын

I still haven't learned not to take things personally, but this helped me a lot to realice it. So thank you very much!

@mikei5550 10 ай бұрын

What has helped me is adding this sentence to every judgement of others:”and they are doing the best they can.”

@healsoflove777 Жыл бұрын

I understand the tendency to take things personally, and it resonates with my own experiences. Throughout my childhood, I received frequent criticism based on my identity and perceived shortcomings, which unfortunately led to internalized negativity. Now, at 40, I can still find myself taking things to heart. However, this insightful video offered valuable tools for managing such reactions. Recognizing one's core values and utilizing them for resilience is truly crucial. Thank you for sharing this important message.

@alondralima9442 10 ай бұрын

This lady helped me through the darkest time of my life. If you see this I thank you so much 💓

@YesWec 10 ай бұрын

Me too

@sammcalilly107 10 ай бұрын

glad you're doing better

@sheebsk9363 Жыл бұрын

You have always been my mentor, even though we don't know each other. Whenever I face personal problems, I turn to your videos. Today, your video helped me tackle a significant issue, teaching me to adjust my thinking and avoid taking everything personally. You have been helpful to me as well as many others who have been going through many health challenges!!! Thank you so much for your wonderful videos! I think God gave you the gift to heal and touch other people's hearts. May God continue to bless you. Lots of hugs and love!

@awesomemax3330 Жыл бұрын

I agree. She has the gift to touch and heal other peoples heart. She smiles with pure joy and patiently explaining one by one. Her video is better than some other self help therapy videos I've watched before.

@ComputerLoveB 9 ай бұрын

I just went through a moment where I was offended by an assumption made about my character and boy did it sting. While I did take some time to pause and think about the situation I was still feeling pretty peeved. I talked to them and expressed how I felt but they didn’t really respond so now I’m anticipating a second conversation. This video solidified some thought I was having letting me know I’m on the right track. 1) I had to ask myself “Girl, why are you so mad about something you know isn’t true. Just because you’re being accused doesn’t make you guilty” 2) I asked myself why is my go to defending myself in an attempt to make people see me the way I see me 3) why do I need this person to validate that I am a good person by giving me whatever outcome that would soothe my bruised ego? Some of this stuff was difficult to chew but it was the medicine I needed to proceed from now on. Thank you 😊

@ry3833 Жыл бұрын

finally, it feels like i can actually understand how to make better boundaries. i feel as though other people always say "make clear boundaries" without explaining what exactly boundaries are. For a long time, boundaries just sounded like ways to limit other people, which is why it never made sense to me what making good boundaries looked like cuz that just didnt sound right. I love that you worded it as "As soon as you pivot away from, "He needs to stop offending me" toward "Hmm, do I actually need to change anything?" the drama like melts away. These are clear boundaries." That makes much more sense to me on how to make boundaries and how to create that distance so i learn how to not take things personally

@cobblecattt 10 ай бұрын

Ooooo, okay. I need to not take the way my kids act personally. So important as a parent.

@james0805 Жыл бұрын

I just want to accept myself as I am

@james0805 Жыл бұрын

This isn’t helpful. I’m just saying

@tbillyjoeroth 5 ай бұрын

Which is what, exactly?? We see ourselves as a reflection of how others treat us.

@davidcbeaudoin 3 ай бұрын

I was bullied through my school years so I had lots of issues - low self esteem, no confidence, anxiety, depression - I never quite sorted out. When things came to a head in my 20's, I decided to go see a counselor. One thing he shared as a tool for responding to statements that trigger those emotions that I've never forgotten was, "This is what you said, but this is what I heard".

@cassieblessed6430 Жыл бұрын

I took offense when I over heard my coworkers speaking ill of me. Which resulted in me isolating myself and made the situation 10x worse

@cocochanelwhite1450 Жыл бұрын

Yes. Me too your not alone

@arasyard 9 ай бұрын

well sometimes it depends..the mere fact you heard the talking about you is off, and its really offensive. well even in that situation we should really have to control our reaction?

@jeanettepugh6017 12 күн бұрын

High school drama. Painful. Not saying isolating is a correct response, but I certainly understand the reasoning behind it.

@saloshniejagathesan1577 9 ай бұрын

Really resonated... Taking things personally, getting upset, certainly points to lack of boundaries on our part...

@mlouw8218 Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much! I came to this video after an argument with my sister where I was complaining about people being overly fragile and needing everyone to tiptoe around and not hurt their feelings. Ironically when she pushed back and we started arguing about it, I became totally disregulated and resentful towards her for having a different perspective. I guess I felt like she thought I was a bad person for not being more sympathetic… and I immediately became the kind of person I was complaining about: fragile and defensive. I needed this video 😅🙏💖

@Godisgreat-7777 7 күн бұрын

While , talking to my previous AA sponsor, I was really upset with somebody in my life and how they were treating me. She told me, “at least they’re being consistent”. That’s something I wish I was better at always remembering. I still get shocked, when someone treats me like they always have. lol. It’s definitely true, that I can only change me. Thank God for that.

@antidepressant11 Жыл бұрын

She is trying to empower us. Sometimes it is a bitter pill to swallow. That we are the ones that need to change. Not others.

@TheReetchou 10 ай бұрын

Absolutely and it does invalidate that people are treating us like jerks, but helps us understand how to help ourselves in those types of situations

@michaelahowells2957 9 ай бұрын

She is not saying that we are the ones that need to change. When we are secure and receive a comment we are the ones to decide whether we MAY need to change, according to what WE want to be.

@supernova11711 8 ай бұрын

I didn’t take it that way. What you said sounds like negative talk…like everyone else is good and you’re the problem. I took it more to say that we focus on our half and what we can do about it and how we might improve on because that’s what’s within our control. In a perfect world, the other person would do the same thing! It’s not about right or wrong but rather understanding that…it isn’t always about who’s right and who’s wrong 😊

@tbillyjoeroth 5 ай бұрын

No. We can't change others. They're often the problem but haters gonna hate so we have to ignore the hatred. THAT'S a bitter pill.

@ginastipo492 10 ай бұрын

I lived in Italy and was constantly being overly sensitive and reactive to their comments about my weight! This is the perfect video for me today, thank you!

@seleneavalle1207 Жыл бұрын

I'm from Argentina and fortunately we been trying to avoid comments about people's apparency but still is really common here. Love your videos, thanks and abrazos!

@vagabond-kenny 4 ай бұрын

Thanks so much for sharing yourself and your own struggles with us. ALL my past councilors - from psychiatrists to social workers, and everyone in between - never shared their own experiences with life's challenges. Looking back, I think now that it's that affect I subconsciously perceived in each of perfection and loftiness that I didn't stick long with "professional" help and repeatedly wandered back to my old self with his bad habits, attitudes, outlooks, and negativity. "NO ONE understands me." I made excuse. I couldn't take their overbearing advice and felt I could never live up to anyone's expectations of me. Just discovering you today, the first two of your videos I've just watched have moved my internal paradigms greatly; in minutes, not months and months of sessions... I feel hopeful again. THANK YOU, Emma

@Humanessence778 Жыл бұрын

This is really good! When you said loudly cleaning I couldn't believe it since we grew up with a vacuum cleaner that was used to express offense.

@KCno4 25 күн бұрын

“90% of emotions is from the stories we tell ourselves.” 🤯 I have found that for me “Letting go” lead to resistance. I had to work on ACCEPTING things as they were and accepting I can’t control others-radical acceptance was more powerful for me then trying to let it go.

@terilloyd162 Жыл бұрын

Thank you this is sooo constructive for me and I know exactly what to do to get out of my constantly offended, passive aggressive and lonely prison. I just love your infectious and loving, straightforward and happy style of delivery.

@simplyelevated9983 3 ай бұрын

I took a comment my boyfriend made on a youtubers lifestyle personally because I was insecure that he viewed me the same kind of way because I do similar things. I think I learned to do this because being a victim was the only way I knew or had the strength to battle arguments in my childhood.

@gingerbee98 Жыл бұрын

I gratefully learnt all of this in AA decades ago but I still appreciate hearing it from a respected professional 🙏😊

@xaxaxa12 Жыл бұрын

What is AA ?

@bednar1991 Жыл бұрын

@@xaxaxa12alcoholics anonymous

@MrsZhang91011 7 ай бұрын

I can SO relate to this. My husband is the son of Chinese immigrants, who (culturally) were VERY different from me. So, there were lots of things that got lost in translation or were misunderstood. They thought I was weird, I thought they were rude...It was a mess lol. I can look back on it now and laugh but going through it, it was very challenging on our relationship. I had to learn about things that were not culturally accepted here but totally normal in China. I had to take my ego out of it and understand that if I'm going to be a part of this family, I have to be open, patient and not take everything as a personal attack. Thanks for sharing your story! it's comforting to know that it's quite common to take things to heart especially if you're more on the sensitive side.

@ScorpioMarsMotionPictures Жыл бұрын

I think some second order thinking would add to this advice: that is, best practices to "let it go", as some people might be justice-oriented and think if some does you wrong, it is not a matter of ego being hurt, rather, a wrong ethically imposed that requires some form of justice? That is where it gets more difficult. Further, the negative energy they impose you on, that has to be directed if it is absorbed. It is nice to think we can just shake it off, and maybe some can get that stoic, but if someone is rude to me, I feel a sense of justice to apply that back at them, giving it back, not out of ego, but a moral duty involving teaching. It isn't personal for me, it's more so universal: I don't want that person to keep doing that to other people. Example: trying to help a customer at a retail store and that customer is taking out their bad day on the sales rep trying to help. There is a power dynamic which is unfair and then the customer being demeaning or rude. Brushing it off seems fine, but then this behavior continues. I think a more moderate remedy might be beneficial not only to both parties but whatever party that troubled customer encounter in the future. Being stoic, at times, only further enables bad behavior. There are times to be defensive beyond protecting the ego.

@klg9549 Жыл бұрын

I understand and agree with this. I had to leave a group that defended their "ironic" racism and got abnormally aggressive when I politely called it out. I was belittled, not taken seriously and left when I discovered I was always treated as an outsider on top of that. But there are members in the group who could become dangerous if they continue their beliefs. I strongly dislike mantras that say you have no control. Because the majority of people shrug their shoulders and say they can't make a difference, positive change isn't happening.

@BigBossMan538 Жыл бұрын

This 100%. You put it into words excellently! There are people at work that were rude to me and I was afraid to stand up for myself for fear of insubordination and retaliation!

@brledoux7989 Жыл бұрын

I completely agree with what you explained in a very concise form, probably because I think the same way. Certain comments that offend us, regardless of cultural differences, or if the person has had a bad day, can cause great mental damage to the person who felt offended and/or belittled. I try to be very careful and respectful with any individual, I really do not intend to “serve as an example” or that I know better, but simply out of a greater sense of justice, so that such harmful behaviours don’t get perpetuated. I accept that people criticize me if I behave inappropriately without being aware of it, but there are more supportive and respectful ways of doing so. The big issue is that common sense is different for everyone, and also, in my opinion, it should be noteworthy in order to avoid misunderstandings.

@sandrarenner4402 10 ай бұрын

I agree

@AudoPlay 10 ай бұрын

think you need to unlearn the punitive mindset, bro. it is not real justice to just harm someone back the way they harmed you. that just creates more hurt people, not less.

@crystalstorms880 9 ай бұрын

This is going to change my life. And my families life for the better. Thank you. For myself personally it wasn't offense. It was being hurt. But 99% is so true.

@wango556 Жыл бұрын

This really comes from a place of integrity. When you demonstrate and live what you are wanting to receive things will change. To really do this though, you must live every second of life with extreme integrity. That means doing the right thing when NO ONE is looking. We do this so when people are looking it’s second nature. This fosters a life of worth and security in your own self efficacy and creates a totally internal locust of self control.

@RM-bf7to 10 ай бұрын

Thank you so much! I watched this 2x, then sent it to my partner. It’s helpful to hear the internal process of what’s going on when he’s lashing out defensively.

@felienmusic Жыл бұрын

This is SUCH a good video. The locus of control is explained so well. Maybe in a future video you can dive into people that feel over-responsible and cannot really feel like what is their responsibility and not, for example due to OCD and/or religious trauma. Some people tend to not act out towards the other person, but towards themselves, and I can tell from my own experience that that is very difficult hehe. What I do is to try to talk to myself like I would to a friend.

@TherapyinaNutshell Жыл бұрын

Ooh that's a great topic, I'll add it to my short list

@KeyWester1 11 ай бұрын

Yes!

@lindam4259 5 ай бұрын

Be your own best friend!

@Prodby_Sean 6 ай бұрын

I feel like this channel/video was literally made for me. Goes over everything I'm struggling with in thorough detail. You pinpointed and clarified everything I'm going through, and then some. Really appreciate this content, and you taking the time to do it!

@ryno_8848 Жыл бұрын

Yes, some people are awful. And yes, we do have to accept the fact that not everyone will like us, but that doesn’t mean it should be socially acceptable for someone to take out their anger on someone else for no reason. especially when the person who instigated it gets no consequences.

@pulancocharlene8742 Ай бұрын

It's the first day of January and I have somehow been struggling with these last year. I'm trying to grow as a person and be more optimistic.

@elfortney Жыл бұрын

I am in the process of taking things personally currently and this could not be more aptly timed. Thank you for the wisdom!

@Tolby_Jackson1 Ай бұрын

I’ve been struggling with my emotions and emotional reactions and even taking things TOO personally for a looong time. I’m 27 to put that into perspective. But I’ve been asking and asking, I hate going to therapy bcuz I think it’s never gonna help. But then I find this. This is EXACTLY what I needed for advise or guidance to better help control my emotions and how to properly use them. I’ve been doing this ass backwards. And I’m glad I can have a system relearn and re train my brain knowing the right steps to take 🙌🙌 thank you so much for the lessons!!!

@miyannaable Жыл бұрын

The manner in which you use music to begin and end the show is beautiful. It makes the whole video feel natural and without the typical clinical feel. Also, I needed to see this today.

@Seans-Garage 3 күн бұрын

Thank God for the watch later list. Saved this video 11 months ago and just watched it. And I just wanted to say what a great video. Thank you for what you do.

@DawnMitschele Жыл бұрын

I love my therapist, but man, I got more out of this video (on this subject) than I have in the past two years working with her. We work on other things as well that she’s very helpful with, but you really nailed it with this particular subject for me. So helpful! Thank you!!

@natymichalkova 10 ай бұрын

This is the most amazing, wise and helpful explanation of how to deal with this issue I have ever heard. I will save this to my videos and will watch several times. Thank you for your beautiful work and authentic approach ❤

@zulby09 Жыл бұрын

What you are basically saying is to take a step back and put things in perspective. This is true many many times in my life experience and I concur. When someone criticizes you for something don’t promptly disagree and quickly be defensive. Most of the time it’s nothing to do with you at all but what that person is undergoing. In my experience I gain social points when I turned such unfair criticisms into self deprecating jokes which everyone admires

@vlw4165 10 ай бұрын

This is terrific stuff! And I'm excited to find that I (to some degree, at least) have navigated a recent misunderstanding with some of these insights/practices in play. I had to muddle through on my own, but I'm now feeling okay with how the dust has settled, and it's a good to be reminded that I"m only responsible for me. Really loved the quote, "Don't believe everything you think." Priceless!

@PurplePatch2 Жыл бұрын

This is very helpful. And it’s true that taking responsibility for what you can control makes for a much happier life. And that taking time to reply and reflect without being inflammatory in your response and checking in with what they mean is helpful as is knowing your own values. I would add that assertive communication in some situations is important esp at times where someone is clearly trying to emotionally test you or repeatedly uses you as an emotional punch bag - even if it’s not about you. As in a very calm ‘I won’t be spoken to like that’ or ‘I appreciate you’re upset but if you continue to raise your voice I’ll have to end this conversation’ etc. It’s not to change their behaviour it’s more to vocalise what your values are and what you are and aren’t willing to accept which is a powerful message. And how you process things internally is also important but people can try to take advantage so while not showing you’re bothered is the best solution in most cases, some people need to hear what your boundaries are x

@rachelr8837 Жыл бұрын

Yes true. Knowing when to hold your tongue or speak up is a gift. Good timing is important. People certainly aren't mind readers.

@Marmarukochi1 9 ай бұрын

Wow wow wow just wow, you’ve opened my mind. Knowing that being offended is one of our self defense because we feel threatened actually makes me realize that it was really is normal and no reason to make it as a big deal. It’s like every living thing has it’s own defense mechanism, we’re all just same ( in that context)

@stephaniegreen3646 Жыл бұрын

This was so helpful. Puts things in a whole other light. Thank you for the perspective shift and examples of what to work on.

@crfishinmom2824 10 ай бұрын

This is the single most important than my I have ever heard about me. Thank you. I hope I can heal myself so I can can be a better part of my other relationships.

@TheRopiak Жыл бұрын

This literally happened to me yesterday, what started as me complaining about a joint task with a coworker I started to take offense to their repsonses even after they specifically said they were not about me. I apologized this morning but that was after ruiminating for hours about it and I literally kept saying to myself, this is so silly just stop. I'm glad this video is out lol.

@leannesarco189 9 ай бұрын

You share such enlightening material in such a personable way, I get so much from your videos. Thank you!

@firstlady3674 10 ай бұрын

Oh my gosh! I am so happy I found this video. I needed to hear this. I seem to think everything is about me when it is not.

@flygirl4eva165 Ай бұрын

Hey my son served in Buenos Aires Argentina too! About 10 years ago. Love that country!

@subject20productions2 Жыл бұрын

My mother was a master at this and sadly she shaped me well, it cost me more then you can believe, including a wonderful marriage.

@amethystdream8251 11 ай бұрын

Hey same, but if they pick at us it does mean they know we're the ones who are capable of better than they could achieve, and they're salty. The women in my immediate family too, love to play the self pity, relationships never work out, always alone game, because they can't admit to how their own negativity contributes to their relational issues. I no longer see their opinions as having credibility, and yes it is a daily process of healing, and I do wish that you also no longer let another stop you from the life you want for yourself. Good luck

@CuteAggressionn 9 ай бұрын

Yes bc I'm only having this taking offense thing with my mother. I feel like we're both the same, but I'm going to take the first step in bettering myself and just try and be nice and compassionate towards her as possible.

@marykaren94 9 ай бұрын

I think it was Emmett Fox who said "Nothing is personal except Love." so if someone shows me love, I can assume it's personal ! if it's something other than Love, it's not! Love your channel Emma! 😍 the last time I took something personal that wasn't was when my mom tugged at my crop sweater and said "it's a little cold out" and I thought she was implying that I was dressed too skimpy. lol but I like the idea that the things that tug at my insecurities the most, are areas to get curious about. this was really helpful ❤

@meganbohl407 Жыл бұрын

Oh my gosh. There is so much to unpack here. I feel like you are speaking directly to me. Thank you for this video!

@tbillyjoeroth 5 ай бұрын

Nah, can't be. Cause she's talking to me ! 😊 Probly both of us...

@thomchapman2352 9 ай бұрын

I have to tell you how much I like your videos , they are extreamly informative and uber helpful. That being said I always feel and think that the battle with in me keeps telling me there is no real help or cure for the overwhelming problems that are inside my mind . I will say the battle inside is most times too much to even begin to stop ,breath ,calm down , take a moment , examine , redirect , or what ever it is to do . My fight or flight is on and there is nothing but seperation from what ever it is to help. your vids have helped me pinpointing what the cause of my issues are and that is amazing and cuts back on the isolation . I am rambling on but in my way I am thanking you for your help and support .

@andyb4579 Жыл бұрын

Excellent video, going to watch again. My challenge is my mother-in-law, which is hard, because we are so different. I keep trying hard, but then getting upset by her response.

@estherljonesdotcomartist5505 3 ай бұрын

Well, I'm saving this one! This video has hit me dead on. I very recently took something personal that seemed very clear to me, but feedback from others is that however thoughtless the wording, it wasn't meant to insult or question my character. I've never until now known how to deal with this kind of stuff and you described it perfectly; i don't feel safe or validated, and i start to question who the jerk is. You also gave me a plan of action: this was absolutely vital. Thank you.

@suellenpatrick3587 Жыл бұрын

Wow, this nailed me, thank you.. I just recently found your channel and I follow it and told my adult daughter about you too. I am learning so much about myself. I know I would benefit from personal therapy but I just can’t afford it so thank you so very much 🙏🏻🤗

@katherinehansen950 7 ай бұрын

Thank you for doing these videos @therapyinanutshell! I cant afford therapy. 😭 Ive been getting increasingly snappy and defensive towards my family because I feel like nobody listens when I try to express myself. But I realized that I also need personal development. This is a great place to start!

@DivineDianne Жыл бұрын

This was a really timely and awesome video. Its something I really needed to hear and so many of us do. Its amazing how all these negative emotions low key, " rewards us" in a way even though they are bad for us. I need to remind myself often, its probably something that they are going through that caused them to respond like that. It most likely has nothing to do with me at all. Thank you Emma for another real and helpful video.

@harrietlucky6316 6 ай бұрын

Sadly, my resolve to create and define my world including how I interpret how others act towards me has been tethered a bit as I encountered 'negativity' continually over some time. I am currently on a healing journey and this content was quite insightful. Thank you!

@PrettyWhiteLady Жыл бұрын

I plan to take every word of this video in to work with a new counsellor I'm seeing tomorrow, and spend the next six sessions that I have with her mastering every word. This is my worst problem in life. But it also stems from being the scapegoat child of my family so I'm almost pre-programmed to take offense, pre-programmed to get victimized. another excellent therapist on KZbin described it as being coated in tar around abusers, they pick up on it. I have literally almost been abused daily by different people over the last 2 weeks because I received a birthday card from my sister a day before my birthday 2 weeks ago and have had nothing but ruminating thoughts on all the cruel things that my sister and father have done to me over thirty years, until I kick them out of my life one year ago. She should never have been sending me a birthday card because I have told her no contact so I literally had to send an email on my birthday that I would go to the courthouse and get a restraining order. so my mind has just been this cesspool of victimization so it's like I'm a magnet for it. But I will win this war. I will win with help from women like this. ❤

@rosemaryclarke2348 11 ай бұрын

You are so brave doing this! Well done! ❤🎉🎉

@PrettyWhiteLady 11 ай бұрын

@@rosemaryclarke2348 Thank you, that's very kind of you to say! hey if you're interested in watching the healing journey in real time I'm going to have playlists on forgiveness, on recording a neuroinguistic programming script to change patterns in your brain and follow up videos to see if it's working for me, and lots of other great content! Some of my first videos should be up in the next few days if you'd like to join the other two followers I have so far, and become my third. 😁

@christinebeames712 10 ай бұрын

You will win the “ war” when you decide to win , it is only your thoughts that connect you now , xxx

@stoyannedyalkov6016 6 ай бұрын

I think she has done an amazing job of clarifying and defying what is when and all that. Very helpful and easy to digest. Thank you!

@lisabeeke7162 Жыл бұрын

Emma, this was perfect for today...for many days to come I'm sure as I practice putting my energy into making a change. Thank you for all you do for the world. May you continuously be blessed.

@AuntKoolKat Жыл бұрын

Me too, I will start putting this into practice at work and home.

@Sonia_MG 3 ай бұрын

I just bumped into this video, while I'm being moody and 'offended ' by a trivial thing that i did overthink. I am going through burnout in life, and trying to still get on with life. So i am fragile. I am unable to put into words what i am feeling, and your video is just putting all the words together to explain it the best way. Thank you for this ❤