Enneagram Parent-Child Relationships

[@Starstreaka]

I find it amusing that Type 8s become the father figure in their family at a young age and Type 2s become the mother figure at a young age, because I was raised by a Type 8 father and Type 2 mother. Basically, I was raised by the Ultimate Parents XD

[@YouveGotaType]

8s and 2s definitely gravitate towards each other! My grandparents were the same combo. In romantic relationships, one person will often gravitate to the type they go to in disintegration as a way of fixing their flaws via another person. But that's a bigger conversation for another series! Thanks for watching and commenting :)

[@maggieskip1138]

Wow interesting! How was that experience for you?

[@Starstreaka]

@Boogie I’m an INFP and I think a 4w5

[@missdmbennett]

The parent relationship & Horneviad triad overlap 🤯🔥 Still processing. Great work.

[@YouveGotaType]

Thank you so much! The connection is very fascinating to think about.

[@stevenmcpeake3387]

I'm type 6, had no dad around and mum was distant. Feeling much appreciation for my small circle of friends, they are the best.

[@Rich-wi7dn]

Very interesting. I’m a Type 9, and I never thought about how this translated to my career. I’ve found my “comfort zone” is playing the #2 role - the boss’ trusted lieutenant and advisor who is always a step removed from the “action”. So while I achieved success professionally, it was never as “the guy” - it was as the “guy behind the guy”. I shared ideas, served as a sounding board, and kept the rest of the group running smoothly - but I was always in the shadow of my boss at whatever job I had.

[@YouveGotaType]

Thank you for sharing your personal experience Rich. Just wondering, did you wish you had been in the #1 role or did you find it fulfilling to be in the #2 lieutenant role?

[@joannadixon1857]

NAILED IT!!!!! As a therapist, I have used the Enneagram in the wok I do since 2015, and the consistent pattern has been linking it back to the childhood wound or attachment wound with one or both parents. Very very thorough presentation on this! Beatrice Chestnut's work helps you see those parental relationships well in my opinion and this is an incredibly informative video that extends so far beyond the bulk of what you can find on social media!. Kudos!

[@YouveGotaType]

Thanks so much for this great compliment! All the enneagram cliches on social/KZbin were certainly a motivating factor in my desire to create content that reflected the beautiful complexity of the enneagram that I have been taught, so I’m glad it aligns with your professional insight as well!

[@renemarie5936]

As a 5 this is extremely painful. You nailed it.

[@YouveGotaType]

Definitely not an easy topic to tackle - hope it helps.

[@sandrath91]

this was so well organised and thought out. so glad i found this channel! I'm a type 5 that recently discovered the world of enneagram and as you would have it i can't stop trying to fill the gaps in my knowledge with more information. thanks for a great video (: am waiting for more in depth discussions soon!

[@YouveGotaType]

Thank you for the high praise Sandra! Always glad to hear it resonates with folks. And I too can't wait to bring you more in depth content asap!

[@sweetpeasandyarrowaranchdi8327]

This was so good and easy to understand. My husband is a 1 and I'm a 9. We raised a 9 first and then a 2. I could figure the 9 out, but couldn't understand how we made a 2. I can see exactly why now. It all fits, with extended family, in-laws, everyone whose number I know.😂

[@YouveGotaType]

Glad it resonated with ya! That is a fun / fascinating line up of enneagram types for a family :)

[@justnnaomi]

as a four i had intimacy with my parents but i always did feel misunderstood and i love them with everything i have and i have some of their habits, but they aren’t exactly role models for how i want to live my life

[@YouveGotaType]

Thanks for sharing Naomi! That sounds like a very balanced perspective and is similar to many of the 4s I work with as well. It's not that their parent's are "bad" it's just that they miss the mark a bit in seeing the 4's "4ness" at times.

[@mariamarthafloresmimbrera6497]

Damn bro I'm a 5 and this hits like a truck. I went to therapy a few years ago and it came to the excercise where one has to "travel in time" to your most distant memory and now I know why my psychologist wanted me to do it and why I quitted lmao I just started crying and I didn`t know how to explain it. I SAW THE UTTER CHAOS AND THE FAMILY DRAMA as you said. Thanks to this video I know how to explain myself to myself, and my family too. I said it once as a joke but I told my family that the only way I could "build a family" was: if I became a single mom (one child and at a young age) that would suffice. I told them if I went pass the age of being a single mom I only saw myself in short relationships but never settling.

[@YouveGotaType]

Thank you so much for sharing these raw experiences 🙏 I'm sure they will resonate with other folks as well. Best wishes on the continued journey of healing & personal growth.

[@jesseskov406]

Great content u deserve more views but I have no doubt you’ll blow up soon ❤️

[@YouveGotaType]

Appreciate that! Hope YGAT finds it's way to more viewers like yourself soon.

[@Noelciaaa]

Eerily accurate, unsettlingly even.

[@YouveGotaType]

I know the feeling!

[@elainetang8504]

Great video! Can see myself and my friends in the descriptions. Look forward to watching more videos from you and hearing your insights. Thanks!

[@YouveGotaType]

Thanks so much, Elaine! Hope you continue to enjoy the channel!

[@titania1221]

Really interesting content and well-explained. I'm a 9 but had more of a 6 parent-child dynamics. My father was my playmate while my mother was the disciplinarian caring one. So I was processing how I became a 9? until it says that both parents can be assertive. I guess I became a 9 because I experienced school bullying & smart-shaming & I witnessed how my father can be assertive when he needs to protect me. Tho he's a chill person, he instilled in me even as a child to be independent and responsible, and to always initiate peace talks with my younger, short-tempered, only sister coz I'm the eldest & we only have each other, as they won't always be here forever. Both of them married & had us late in age. Our extended family, both sides, can be dramatic & toxic. So I witnessed how my parents worked as a team & declined almost every family reunion invitation & advances. Our house always stayed neutral. Sometimes, the parties involved go to our house to let out their frustrations so I was aware of how chaotic our relatives can be. But as our older cousins put it, our parents were really able to protect & shield us from all the drama. Maybe it was this early awareness that school & outside world is chaotic & home is my only safe place where I can be bubbly, talkative & laid back, so I let my parents run things while I'll just be in the background.

[@YouveGotaType]

Glad you enjoyed the video! As far as parents go, it's more about the connection to the parents then the parents' personalities. So 9s are attached to both parents somewhat equally no mater how the parents behaved, while 6s are predominantly attached to paternal/protective figure regardless of sex but traditionally the father. More on that in this video series here: kzbin.infomnx5tLlJ3vc?feature=share Thanks for sharing your specific experience!

[@Jellofish777]

The three general groups bring to mind attachment disorders: Connected being Anxious, Frustrated being Avoidant, and Rejected being Fearful-Avoidant.

[@YouveGotaType]

Definitely a connection there for sure!

[@amelita_e]

Hi Colton! I have a question for you-- how do siblings end up with different Enneagram types even if the parenting is generally the same? For example, I know I'm a different type than my sisters, but we're close in age and I don't feel like we were parented very differently. Of course, as kids we were different from each other, but our parents were still our parents. Is nature/temperament the explanation?

[@YouveGotaType]

Correct, it all comes down to temperament. All psychological evidence points to the fact that we're pretty much born with a dynamic temperament which is then molded into varying degrees of healthy self-expression based on our nurturing. I think our parents help define things like our instincts, wings, and how much time we spend in integration vs. disintegration. Our temperament also impacts how much our parents may connect with/support our general behavioral traits too, which can makes us feel more loved/unloved depending on how similar we are too our parent's temperament.

[@amelita_e]

Thank you Colton! Appreciate the response! That all makes sense.

[@Kitty-ex2gq]

I’m a type 4 and both of my parents have disowned me :)

[@YouveGotaType]

Oof. Sorry to hear that.

[@aesthetic_attract]

I'm a type 4 and this is scarily accurate

[@YouveGotaType]

😅

[@SimmonsFam-OR]

Holy smokes, came here on a search for nature vs nurture, rewound to the beginning and was glancing at your channel to decide and you said your name is same as my kiddo Colton Simmons, so that’s a yes! :)

[@YouveGotaType]

Wow what a coincidence! If he’s also a Type 1 that would be even crazier ;)

[@no_name_without_name239]

I just looked at the comments and was suprised to see you still answer to the comments even year after the video released lol But anyway I'd say for me it's very accurate. I my father left when I was 5 so my mom had to be both mother and father figure, and even if as a mother figure she was very good, then as an father figure she wasn't the greatest. She is very strict and never lets me do any mistakes. one day she forced me to learn an whole page of book by memory and didn't let me go until I would remember this whole page by heart. I felt as if no matter I did I was never worthy of reward, as in mistakes she notices everything but with my successes she only remembers the best of my attempts. Currently I am thinking that E1 fits me the best but I am also considering E4 or E5 but for right now I think I am 1w9 with 145 tritype. But I am only 17 so that can still slightly change with focus on word "slightly" because I doubt I will go from being E1 to being E8 as they are literally opposite types in every way. Also on unrelated note, are instincts in enneagram are determined by either nature, nurture or both? And if instincts are changed based of nurture then could you give examples what childhood experiences can determine someone's instinct?

[@YouveGotaType]

Haha yup I always take time during the week to respond to relevant, kind, or inquisitive comments as a way of showing my appreciation those who spent the time to watch my videos :) I don't mean this to be condescending, but at 17 I don't advocate for going too deep into the Enneagram. You're brain is still developing, which in turn has influence on your sense of self, which benefits from the freedom to fail, change, adapt, be fluid, etc rather than feel boxed in by a "personality type." However, young minds crave concrete concepts rather than nuanced truths. You're going to change immensely from the age of 17 to the age of 30, so there's no need to slap all those personality labels on yourself quite yet. Best wishes on the journey!

[@Yearofthetiger24026]

Wow, complex yet clear. One question that always crops up for me as a type 5. I cherish being alone (59 & single by choice, so relate to your brother). I feel at my healthiest mentally and most at peace when alone yet the Enneagram describes healthy growth as being more engaged with the external world & less withdrawn for type 5s. I love living in my head with ideas, thoughts & new concepts.

[@YouveGotaType]

Thank you for this beautiful response, Jacqueline! I think that's the beauty of the enneagram as it both affirms a natural essence (centering in the head triad) and yet calls us to move beyond our ego's preferences.

[@Yearofthetiger24026]

@@YouveGotaType Right, that makes sense. I guess for me, as society has pulled me in the same direction, to engage, socialise and be more outgoing. My resistance has learned to be strong and justifiable so as to help friends and colleagues understand how I work. My sisters have always 'got' me and they are the only people who truly understand the way I am. I wonder how different I would feel about it if society was more introverted. My parents never accepted me withdrawing from my large family to be alone. This strengthened this determination in me to withdraw and maybe developed my natural ego tendency even more. It is fascinating stuff & each video you present offers the right amount of information to learn about & understand. Thank you for providing them. As others have said, I'm sure they will develop a large audience when people discover you.

[@Yearofthetiger24026]

@@YouveGotaType Just a quick question too. Would you be able to recommend a book for pretty much a beginner of understanding the Enneagram please?

[@YouveGotaType]

@@Yearofthetiger24026 thank you again for sharing your personal experience and connection to this information - it's always so insightful to hear specific stories of people's life experience. As for a book - I would recommend The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Riso & Hudson. It's absolutely my favorite as it's more of a practical workbook that synthesizes a great deal of information into practical work. Hope you enjoy!

[@Yearofthetiger24026]

@@YouveGotaType Thanks

[@hebaunica]

Thank you very much for the helpful content. I'd like to clarify sth about type 1. I felt frustrated with both parents and not connected to my mom at all. However, i was pretty close to my aunt. Does this explain being connected to a matenal figure, or am I an exception? Because there has to be exceptions anyway. Thanks.

[@YouveGotaType]

Glad you're enjoying the videos! For 1s, it's less about their connection to the maternal figure as the pattern is primary focused on their frustration with paternal/authority figures. Does that aspect resonate?

[@matthewschwartz1745]

can you do a video on types as parents? I'm a five and am a parent of two young children and would love the insight.

[@YouveGotaType]

Hey Matthew, that's a great request and I will certainly put some content out on this topic in the future!

[@faithmomma2416]

So informative-thank you !

[@YouveGotaType]

My pleasure! Thanks for watching :)

[@gabriellagrey4163]

Would have liked it if you’d talked more about Maitre and her view on 4’s and the maternal figure

[@YouveGotaType]

Maybe in another video :)

[@mostcreativenickname]

Great video! unfortunately I can’t really relate to the given information myself. I struggle in determining whether I’m a type 6 or 9. I never felt connected to my father in any way when I was young (still don’t). He just existed in my mind as a part of the family who destroyed everything. He maybe was a narcissist and I felt from a very young age on that I wasn’t safe in his presence. We always walked on eggshells to prevent that he’d get his agressive or emotionally abusive outbursts. I’ve somehow felt connected to my mom - at least I felt very connected to her if I’d compare it with the relationship I had towards my father - but she’s barely been at home because she was working all the time to make money for the family.

[@YouveGotaType]

Thanks for watching and complimenting this video :) It's great to hear your personal perspective given your specific childhood experience. I don't usually use someone's parental relationships as the main way to determine someone's enneagram type - although it is a huge part. Types 9 and 6 are always the hardest ones to type because 9s see a bit of themselves in everyone and 6s adapt to whatever authority/power structure/dominant influence is around them. Just a wild guess here, but have you looked at Type 4? Curios to know your thoughts on if that personality type resonates with your core sense of self.

[@pointerdogmarketing2197]

Do you have a patreon that fans of the channel can donate to in order to help support your work?

[@YouveGotaType]

Funny you ask! I've been meaning to create one for a while but I'm horrible about asking for support. However, your question tipped me over the edge and I finally hit publish on a very bare-bones Patreon page this morning. You'd be the first supporter on there if you'd like to join! patreon.com/youvegotatype

[@pointerdogmarketing2197]

@@YouveGotaType can do!

[@pointerdogmarketing2197]

@@YouveGotaType I just got back from a cruise I overspent on, but I can pay you the value of a starbucks coffee every month. My dad died when I was 4, and my mom is/was definitely more of a paternal symbol, whereas my mother's mother was the more maternal type figure.

[@pointerdogmarketing2197]

@@YouveGotaType Also, you may want to set up a redbubble account to sell t-shirts with your logo on them. I'll get one as a one time bonus purchase.

[@YouveGotaType]

@@pointerdogmarketing2197 no pressure at all to support financially! I just know it’s some peoples love language and I’m happy to put toward making the show better. Thanks for continuing to share your unique experience!

[@nataliemariewinkels]

I love your videos I’ve been watching as many as I can. I’m curious about the parental figures with respect to the traditional roles of nurture and protector. I was raised by a extremely dominant mother, who did all the disciplining, and was the primary breadwinner, and was highly critical, and Volatile in her moods and parenting styles whereas my father was an introvert, more nurturing, soft-spoken, and in my opinion when I listen to your descriptions of all of these energies, my actual dad was more of the nurturer in my perception as a child and I’m curious of other people have Noticed this because I am a classic one all the way, but my attachment is really more to my father. If you could even call it that it was really more of a codependency as we tried to both survive my mom’s crazy moods.

[@YouveGotaType]

Thanks for watching and sharing your experience! I do believe classic gender roles amongst parents can be swapped like you mention. As a 1, me and my mom definitely developed an attachment of survival together but she's far more of a traditional nurturer in that way. The key aspect of 1s in childhood is that they are "Frustrated" types that constantly find faults in those in leadership or positions of authority. Do you find that trend carried out in your life today?

[@nataliemariewinkels]

@@YouveGotaType yes, I have authority issues. Mainly because my expectations are so high so if an authority figure is perceived as too dogmatic/rigid or judgmental (stemming from that overbearing mother wound) I can get confrontational/shut down or depressed depending on the situation. I realized too late that this is what led me to join the military, so I’ve been in a really really negative place trying to heal and recover from those wounds

[@YouveGotaType]

@@nataliemariewinkels Well I wasn't going to suggest looking into the enneagram 6, but this second comment mixed with the parental patter you describe, sound exactly like the type 6 pattern I describe here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oJTNhItqpq2Vb7s 6s often fall into the military because of their issues with authority, have fathers that don't provide a sense of authoritative grounding force, and suffer from that back n forth between confrontation vs. shutting down. It's why 6s are often labeled as predominantly phobic & counterphobic based on the vacillating reactions to anxiety. 1s and 6s are both highly moralist because they are Compliant Types in the Hornevian Triad, which is why they often mistype. Ultimately, only you hold the keys to truly knowing your type, but those are just the patterns I see based on the comments! Hope it's helpful if you're open to some further investigation.

[@SchmausiMausi]

Until what age does the Enneagram type develop? I’m asking because my biological father passed away when I was eight years old, and then I had a stepfather for the next 12 years who was the complete opposite of my biological father. Which of them influenced my Enneagram type? edit: Okay, you mentioned that the first three years of our lives are crucial. But why do I feel so different after being raised by my stepfather? He was very harsh and intimidating, and the carefree, brave, and cheeky girl I was before, when my biological father was still alive, seems almost completely gone. By the way, I feel connected to both of my parents, but I had a special bond with my biological father. We were like soulmates and very like-minded. However, he never taught me how to survive. He only engaged in abstract, intellectual conversations with me about how the universe as a whole works. There was nothing practical for real life in that. My mother was very caring but also very authoritarian and punished me frequently. There is a love-hate relationship between us, and I am dependent on her, even though I should be angry with her. Because she always took care of my physical needs, I feel guilty about leaving her. So I guess, I am either a 6 or a 9. That makes sense, since I am pretty sure I have a 469 tritype, but I don´t know if I lead with 6 or with 9. I am withdrawn until I must be compliant. I am positive until I must be reactive, and I for sure am an attachment type.

[@maggieskip1138]

Wow, I just found your channel and am very excited to listen more!

[@YouveGotaType]

So glad you found it! Hope you enjoy!

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

Thanks for this powerful work!

[@YouveGotaType]

Thank you so much for watching and showing your support!

[@ashleywagner8650]

This is such a helpful video - thank you! I’m new to your channel and really enjoy your excellent and thorough explanations 🙏

[@YouveGotaType]

Thank you so much Ashley! Glad you discovered YGAT 🙌

[@shaunamaness854]

This was fantastic, thank you!

[@YouveGotaType]

Thanks so much Shauna!!

[@yay29823]

Question: If someone's experience seems similar to an specific type, but their general behaviour is strikingly different, and they actually identity more with another type, how could that be explained?

[@YouveGotaType]

I would need way more specifics than that to answer properly. But it's a good area to be discerning about!

[@yay29823]

@@YouveGotaType For example, I watched this video, and realized the 6's childhood reflected mine on a very specific way, and while I'm still figuring out myself (Either 9 or 4) I am definitely not a 6, I don't have most of 6's defining characteristics. It's not that I don't relate to my possible types' childhood experiences, it's just that I relate to the 6's relationship with the father figure too much. Edit: Also, another detail: It's strange that I relate to both nine and four, because their relationship with both parents is opposite! I'm lost right now

[@sunsetklee]

being an enneagram 7 with a bipolar mom and no dad this is crazy accurate

[@DavidSummers-wt1hz]

HA, GUY! You do make a DIFFERENCE in the quality of Life on this 3rd Rock! Virtus Junxit Mors Non Seperabit -14*-

[@YouveGotaType]

I receive it 🙌

[@katyandchisolmbeckham]

Fantastic video!

[@YouveGotaType]

Thank you so much Katy!

[@enfieldjohn101]

I don't think anyone can conciously recall much from the first three years of their life, which is usually a good thing when you stop to think about what an infant and toddler go through on a daily basis. Who'd want to remember that? I think my first recollection is from when I was four - almost five. It's hard to say for sure what is a genuine memory and what is a remembered story that I've heard from family members, but one that I'm pretty sure that I actually remember from my point of view is watching Sesame Street when I was four. I was fascinated by the monsters (or Muppets as I later learned they were called) on the show, especially Oscar the Grouch with whom I felt a sense of familiarity since I was a moody, grouchy, somewhat depressed kid even at a young age. I really wished that I could tell so many people in my life to 'scram' and to hide away most of the time like Oscar did. My grandma noticed that Ocar was my favorite and got me an Oscar hand puppet that looked a lot like him. I played a lot with him but was always careful with my toys, even at an early age since I didn't have very many of them, so I still have him. According to stories from many family members over the years, I've learned that for the first three years of my life I was a problem for my family. As an infant, I cried almost all the time. I'd cry myself to sleep quite often. It seemed like there was nothing they could do to help me feel better. They took me to a bunch of different specialists all over the Midwest. This was the early 70's, so there was no internet to look stuff up on nor to quickly contact people on then. What they finally discovered after a couple of years of tests was that I had a rare form of hive tumor that was under my skin so it wasn't visible. It would flare up anytime I was too warm or if I became upset. Then it would cause high fevers that led to halucinations and possibly even to brain damage. Brain scans weren't available at that time, so they couldn't be sure, they could only go on symptoms of brain damage. They eventually figured out which kind of hives it might be, but there was no cure for it. The best they could say was that it usually diminished with age and stopped causing fevers in the few other patients who had been affected by it. My case was written up in a leading medical journal as it was one of the most severe examples of it they'd seen in which the patient didn't become severly retarded (as they understood mental challenges at the time). I was, and still am, incredibly clumsy. This became most apparent when I was three and started to try to walk. I hadn't even attempted to crawl much until I was almost three. Even with help, I was quite unstable and fell down a lot more than usual for a toddler. I also couldn't play games that most toddlers enjoy like throwing and catching things, stacking blocks, etc. The specialists figured that it was because I was 'retarded', but Mom wasn't convinced that was it, or at least all of it. She noticed that I never crossed my eyes. Even by the time I was seven, I still couldn't do it and my depth perception was still way off. I could walk by the time I was four, but I still couldn't run or jump with out falling down somehow and I ran into things often. I still had no interest in catch nor most physically active things that boys usually like. I just wanted to color and draw, sing along with records or the radio and play with my ships and action figures. So, she decided to take me to an eye doctor. Hadn't occurred to anyone before then to try that. He discovered that my left eye muscles were weak and unable to move all the way towards the right. Thus, I couldn't cross my eyes, track moving objects with both eyes, nor even see an object as a singular image. He prescribed eye exercises which my mom made sure I did every day. I hated doing them because the strain on my eye muscles gave me headaches, but we kept at it. I can now concentrate and conciously force my eyes to focus on things and to track things to some degree. I can sometimes catch thing and can throw or shoot towards what I'm aiming at though I'll never be a good at it. I'm still clumsy, but my depth perception is good enough now that I don't walk into things, though doing something like stacking blocks is still quite a challenge. It's taken years of physical therapy to get this far. As you can imagine, despite their best efforts to overcome their disappointment in their only son not being more like them, I still could sense that my family unconciously rejected me. I felt rejected by most of the people where I grew up for that matter. Some really tried to understand and to befriend me, but I was just too different. There was nothing in my tiny ranching town for people with mental or physical challenges at the time. My 'safe space' was my own imagination. I pretty much lived there when I could.

[@YouveGotaType]

Thank you for sharing another detailed experience, John. These are very illuminating. I agree that no one can consciously remember what happens to them in the first 3 years of life, which is why some people passionately disagree with these childhood experiential patterns! But the body and the subconscious always remember the joy, pain, rewards, punishments, environmental stimulus, etc etc that we encounter in those first few fragile years. I know you mentioned on other videos that you identified with the 5w4, but that last line made me think you may be more of a 4w5? Granted, this is always a tricky call when bordering a type you share a ton of similarities with.

[@enfieldjohn101]

@@YouveGotaType It's possible that I could be either 5w4 or 4w5. Like you say, they have a lot of overlap. It seems like sometimes that I'm torn between thinking logically and wanting to just escape into my imagination. A while back, a friend of mine on Facebook and I were talking about personality types and this sort of subject of being on the fence between logic and emotion when I thought of the example of Data on Star Trek the Next Generation when he tries acting more like a human, often with humorous results, especially when using his emotion chip and things go haywire. I think that part of my interest in robots starting at an early age with C3PO comes from identifying with the akward relationship that they have with the non robot characters in their stories and the way the robot often seems unable to understand or cope with human behavior.

[@tobioflyhigh666]

"neither parent is a good role model" damnn and i remember wanting a good role model so bad and feeling like i could only respect and love someone if they can be one coz i always err look down on people lmao

[@milicabosanac8585]

As an 8 enneagram I completely disagree. My mom is my hero, she always stood up for me in school, both of my parents in fact did. But my mom hates injustice so much that she would risk it saying things you shouldn't say. Much later was I ,,rejected" by some people in a trip in high school and had to look after myself, meet new people, adapt, nd it changed me completely. It was enough for me to learn to never depend on anyone. I wouldn't change a thing from that day cause that was a new begging for me.

[@YouveGotaType]

Hey Milica, this is a general pattern as I stated in the video. There is no one-size-fits all perfectly here but if you watch the full video on 8s, you’ll see how many people it resonates with. Also, what you stated about “never depend on anyone” and “look after myself” are exactly the pattern I describe. It’s not about having a bad relationship with your mom. In fact, every 8 I know personally has a strong connection with their maternal figure to this day. It’s simply that you noticed as a child that your maternal figure was likely spread to thin and you needed to step up to help lead/protect the family.

[@milicabosanac8585]

@@YouveGotaType thanks for the explanation, I agree with the pattern that's why I mentioned it. Btw my mum is an 8 as well

[@YouveGotaType]

​@@milicabosanac8585 Gotchya, I just took "I completely disagree" to mean that ya didn't resonate with any of it. Glad we could dialogue about it! And thanks for sharing your personal experience in relationship to this pattern. People sharing like that always helps bring some life to these theories.

[@Kinokisings]

I’m a four and I’ve always been VERY close to my mom, so this was odd to hear

[@YouveGotaType]

It’s not so much about being close or being distant as it is about 4s not finding their identity mirrored by either parent. You can feel very loved by someone who maybe doesn’t live into your same vision of what life should be / or who doesn’t “get you.”

[@Kinokisings]

@@YouveGotaType that helps. Thanks!

[@YouveGotaType]

@@Kinokisings no prob!

[@CourageToLiveTrue]

Nature as temperament

[@CourageToLiveTrue]

369 attached to mom, dad, both

[@CourageToLiveTrue]

Rejected 258 Frustrated 147

[@CourageToLiveTrue]

1 overcompensate from dad’s abuse. Rants about authority. Needs a male mentor.

[@CourageToLiveTrue]

First years of life 2s rejected by father figure, taking the role of moms as a partner to dad 3s celebrated by mom. Overcompensate family shame. Numb/neglect dad. 4s disconnected from both. Neither understands, so needs to find understanding in imagination. 5 rejected from both and ambivalent toward both. Withdraw from feeling needed and overvalue independence. Searches for specific role. 6 connected to dad as a friend. Dad fails to teach responsibility. Find guidance within self. 7 disconnected from mom. Material/emotional deprivation. 8 rejected by mom. Takes role of dad. Needs to protect mom. 9 equally connected to both. Adapts to emotional tone of family. Equally overwhelmed by both. Physically present with parents. Low profile among assertive personalities.

[@CourageToLiveTrue]

WOW!!!

[@YouveGotaType]

Glad ya liked it :)

[@jazon85k]

Interesting video! Is there any healthy family? :O According this, 9s seems like in the best situation (connected with both parents), but these parents are equally unhzealthy... so nope. :) Other: there is families with different kind of childrens, with different enneagram types, so the dynamics of the family seems more complicated. It is more like how the child felt in the system.

[@YouveGotaType]

Oh for sure - tons of healthy families! But every healthy family is still made up of flawed people wrestling with their egos. The Enneagram is all about working backward from our flaws to get back to our healthiest, most pure self, so that's why this video is all about the hurts we suffer from our parents as we grow up. I probably should do a "enneagram parents best traits" video to balance it out ;) Also, being "connected" to parents isn't a good or bad thing - it just means 9s will have the hardest time breaking away from their identification with both parents. That may help them cultivate a good relationship with their parents, or it could lead them to be 40 years old and still living at home as they don't know how to go out and live their own life.

[@jazon85k]

​@@YouveGotaType Thank you for your answer! "The Enneagram is all about working backward from our flaws to get back to our healthiest, most pure self," -So helatier the family is, probably less trauma you get, and less distance you have from this pure self. The enneagram help realise our blind spots, our self-defending mechanism. Ok, now I see what 'connected' mean in this case. Mergeing. Also you can be connected in equal level (meet in the middle), but you can also be connected in an unequal way, where one is submissive.

[@YouveGotaType]

@@jazon85k Always happy to respond to any questions you have!

[@onion-headed]

You know what? I'm a 15 y.o. who survived the school year to dive into typology in summer. Really enjoying myself while watching your videos.

[@YouveGotaType]

Glad you're enjoying the vids! But also, if you're 15, you're ego/personality is still in the middle of developing so try not to restrict your own self-discovery by lumping this typology labels on to yourself. I think most of this stuff is the most relevant later in the 20s, early 30s when you've got a bundle of different life experiences that reveal the true patterns of your ego/personality.

[@onion-headed]

@@YouveGotaType Thank you for the advice. I learned that the labels could be intruding in the process, so I'm trying not to put myself into the box. By the way, does the core personality form until the individual is 10-11 years old? I've heard this idea somewhere.