Enneagram: The Difference Between 4w3 and 4w5

Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
#enneagram, EnneagramTypes, CliftonStrengthsFinder, PersonalityAssessment, self-discovery, Strengths-Based Development, Understanding Personality, Personal Growth, Enneagram Test Results, Unlock Your Potential, Mindfulness, SelfAwareness, SelfImprovement, LifeCoach, UnlockPotential, Motivation, strength, Relationships, love, soulmate, self-love, love yourself, intimacy, emotional connections, dating, communication, healthy relationships, true love, power of love, relationships, marriage, love language, love quotes, love tips, love and happiness, trust, love and relationships, love advice, unconditional love, happy, love, Myers-Briggs,

[@TheDJMysterE]

We tolerate loneliness to avoid abandondment.

[@robingather6877]

Well said

[@SolomonSage]

Damn this makes sense no wonder i live alone and have problem finding love

[@TheDJMysterE]

@@SolomonSage yea😞

[@SolomonSage]

Ya know music has helped my heart feel a little less lonely and realizing that my value matters i do have value and if i let others tear those down i have to show it more i decide to be lonley because i care too much of what other think once i realized that and realized what others think of me doesnt matter i have to take care of myself then i realized the lonliness fades we arent people pleasers ok but people lovers at least i am

[@SolomonSage]

Hell im way too blunt when yoir a guy pure like me looking for a life partner its hard and its painfull i cant evwn begin to explain how hard that is for us 4 w3 to find love i feel like a zombie taking swords in the heart but moving forward like im dead but still alive aearching for something

[@harrypollock6682]

I think it's interesting that all your videos on type 4 are the most popular. It's like those who identify as type 4s are more interested in searching for themselves like the ennegram suggests

[@foottoast4235]

Can see why, lacking an identity sucks! Until I discovered the enneagrams I had been stuck in edgy phase for years, now I just accept the reality and don't try to force myself to find a group/thing to identify myself with.

[@twlahue]

Yes, 4 and 9 are most popular. Interesting isn't it.

[@carrie2395]

@@twlahue Interesting that those numbers tend to go together as well. I'm a 4 married to a 9. Other podcasts/videos I have listened to mention this pairing often.

[@marvinnour2411]

9's keep coming back because they forget the stuff you told

[@sarahgesink4383]

@@carrie2395 Same! I'm married to a 9 and he doesn't understand the 4 in me, but also talking about deep stuff makes him anxious which is very 9 of him haha. I'm also a Scorpio and he's a Taurus, which seems to be another common pairing. That can have a lot of conflict if the relationship isn't cared for correctly.

[@chrissy9876]

I’m a 4 w3 and it’s the most difficult feeling. I want to win. I’m competitive. However I HATE competition. I have severe anxiety when it comes to competitive things, yet, I value winning and being the best or at least in the top. I value recognition... and I HATE that I need it and beat myself up over it often. It’s such a conflicting aspect of who I am.

[@TheSushiQueen100]

Girl I hear you. It's like on the outside it doesn't seem to phase us but on the inside we're born leaders who can be savage opponents!... but no one knows lol

[@himanshu11876]

What r u on Jong personality test

[@bbJav]

I am a 4w3 also. Make things worth asking important questions that lead you to action, I hope works for you, so much dilemma going on, ha?

[@getwetsoon]

I feel you soooooooooooo much!

[@minian14]

Its te first time I fell so understood... this is exactly how I feel!

[@mialove5044]

as a 4w5, this actually makes me feel a little less insane and alone.

[@cherishtheday2223]

Lol true 😂

[@hannahclaire4683]

Is there anyone else who can’t watch these videos all the way through in one sitting because every few minutes he says something that just HITS you and you have to pause and take a moment to contemplate your entire life?

[@twlahue]

Sorry...Thanks...Blessings!

[@TALIACORNELIUS]

Yes I had flash backs from when I was a kid...stuff I’ve never thought impacted me but wow that’s crazy it’s hits deep!

[@mimomeep6091]

Yes!!! Lol.

[@tracyreadytv]

@@TALIACORNELIUS SAME!!!!!! ALL THRU his mention of loving parents not being there for one reason or another... that's my entire childhood. I've since made peace with them/ it but wow.

[@emmaj8337]

AHHHHHH me 😂 i was reading this comment thinking “haha, but i dont think i really do that” then i got to 16:34 and i was like *pause* 😶

[@joshm7206]

4w3 24:33 4w5 28:45

[@natasdabsi1138]

Ily

[@isaacsmith1729]

God bless the time stampers

[@julial.r.5383]

@@isaacsmith1729 As someone with ADD I agree

[@Yinsaei]

You speak in such a passionate way about 4s, it makes me feel like maybe I'm not so bad after all haha. (I'm a 4w5) Thank you.

[@twlahue]

Glad you found my channel. Blessings.

[@adalaidepies661]

4w5 here too, feel the exact same way!!

[@toniwoodard7252]

Same 🖤

[@ileataylor2083]

Same. So good. Full 4w5

[@SolomonSage]

Sounds like your also chriatian bub noce to meet you

[@jengibbs3049]

Im a 4w5 in my inner world but portray myself as a 4w3 in my outer world. I feel like at any moment im going to be called out as an imposter.

[@damianya2256]

So same wouah 😭💔

[@ilonakatalin]

Me too!!!!

[@jengibbs3049]

Ilona Nagy you gotta watch his get out of the basement video for 4’s. It answered so many questions. The m&m theory is brilliant.

[@cherishtheday2223]

I sort of relate. Until a couple of years ago, I was such a 4w3. High achiever, no one knew how much I was suffering until I had a breakdown. Post-breakdown, my ego dissolved. I couldn’t keep up with the mask I was wearing. Now I don’t wear a mask as much. I’m a 4w5 now, but I find myself having to lean on my past 4w3 tendencies to get out of my shell and to take part in society.

[@KYJelly-user]

@cherishtheday222 - I can relate to this. I was raised in a really strict religious sect and finally I just snapped. Now everyone's dead (just kidding). I had a nervous breakdown that was horrific. I just let go of everything: school, beliefs, girlfriend and friends in general. Had zero f***s to give about anything. Definitely had to lean on my five wing to find what truth really is, now that my belief system is broken. I'm sick and tired of just wearing an image for other people. Everyone can kiss my buttocks

[@Rosie19999_]

I am a 4. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that children who experience trauma/ emotional neglect from the parent blame themselves. They absolutely do. Children blame themselves because it’s what they have to do to keep the parent internally good. So we now live with this never ending deep seeded belief that something is fundamentally wrong with us, even though intellectually I can objectively see that that may not be true, my feelings don’t recognize that.

[@Rosie19999_]

Also- early on as a coping mechanism during my childhood (my dad was an absent abusive alcoholic), I would blame myself or attempt to harm myself in front of him to see if I was important enough for him to care and stop doing what he was doing. He didn’t. Therefore I am working through scarring that says I’m worthless and not adequate for relationships.

[@Rosie19999_]

And to further that- I got into a relationship with a guy that I believed was so perfect. I prayed for a guy and I surrendered to Gods will and a week later this guy comes into my life and fully pursues me. Not just any guy, but the pastors son and the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. I couldn’t believe it. We made all these plans and promises and I finally felt complete and whole (so so unhealthy). And after a year we broke up and I fully experienced the same loss and rejection I had in my childhood only ten fold now that I was able to fully comprehend it. It’s been two years and I’ve never been the same. I even experienced symptoms of ptsd for a year and a half after it ended. Complete loss of identity and self and I had never been so utterly worthless and destroyed in my life

[@anthonywritesfantasy]

Incredibly profound and insightful! This comment has helped me understand something. Thank you.

[@Rainbow_1312]

😭

[@catherinewylie6959]

Very well put! I never thought of this this way. Yes, the parents have to be the original god and goddess archetypes in a way and we have to keep them good to survive. It is we who must be in the wrong. I still struggle with this in my 50's dealing with a mother who never addressed her own trauma - and my father. I remember being in my teens and saying out loud to myself and then to a therapist, "I think there is something wrong with me that isn't wrong with everyone else I know." Even though I now know that this is not the case, I still feel it in some way. I have such a hard time being part of groups.

[@AthenaVelecta]

I'm a 4. My mother is a narcissist. She would often say things like " I have tried for so long to love you, but there is nothing in you to love" in that " Oh, I wish that it was possible." kind of tone.

[@MexTexican]

For me it was my father’s problem of being a pedophile - I was his favorite - and my mother blamed me. My siblings were jealous of my good looks and courage. I left home at 18 and moved to the East Village. I was conveniently labeled “crazy” for “ making up” stories about my father. Luckily I’m brave and smart and did just fine without my toxic family with whom I no longer have ANY contact. Had it been easy? Absolutely not. But I’m my own person with lotsa friends, happily retired in Mexico 🇲🇽. Life is good!

[@sugurmen8120]

You're such a strong, brave person. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. You're an inspiration! 🇲🇽

[@myrtila]

This must have been so difficult but I’m glad you made it and you’re safe now!

[@helenbarnett6389]

Your account is similar to mine. God helped me sooo much through the Enneagram. I'm a 3-4.

[@jraelien5798]

Good for you! Tough place to begin in, but you made it out and forged yourself a life. Salud!

[@evelic]

Shit, that sounds rough.

[@ushaani8912]

4w5 checking in. The Garden of Eden analogy is spot-on. My friends often call me an "angel" and acquaintances often describe me or treat me as "otherworldly". It's not a conscious act, I truly, deeply feel lost in this world. Like it's not good enough. Because I'm so in tune with the energy of what was. Perhaps I feel it too literally. I'm still practical and do all the human things to sustain this existence, but I can't not know, or not feel the connection to that God piece. Everything else pales in comparison. But then I also envy people that can find genuine joy in this existence. I've been practicing gratitude to ground me. The love thing is a whole other story. I'm a sexual instinct 4,so I refuse to suffer. I deliberately fashion myself as something desirable yet unobtainable. That's my middle finger to the libidos of the world. And although my own goes unfulfilled, at least I know I'm always "the one that got away". Very egocentric, but I also avoid many of the pitfalls that ruin others when they give in to the neediness and infatuation of love. Everything in this world requires sacrifice. Choose yours.

[@susieneville5612]

Yes I envy seemingly happy people...people happy in this world..!!

[@sim2864]

Who else started crying at 16:36? whew.

[@Howi.]

I really appreciate the way you talk about type fours. Especially considering the fact that you're a seven. You seem genuinely interested and appreciative of our emotional habits. I'm currently struggling with a feeling of not being appreciated for these specific habits of mine in my family so thank you so much for your compassion.

[@Howi.]

(my mom is a type seven and I'm struggling with her especially)

[@twlahue]

Glad you found my channel. Believe me, I know, us 7's can be a pain in the butt.

[@benadrylcabbagepatch2527]

Tritype 471 here and I can totally understand the tension between 4s and 7s. I’m constantly going back and forth between being angsty and thinking “lol u were angsting about that?? Haha stoopid”. I am glad that in one small corner of the internet, these 2 types have found peace.

[@paulblyghton4343]

²

[@paulblyghton4343]

2

[@kassiopeia1232]

Spot on! As a 4w5 I finally feel understood on a deeper level. Suffering to avoid more suffering. That's me.

[@patrickconnolly2654]

Ouch! I don't want to know the truth. I need to be happy, I don't need to be honest. Where are the "like minds?"🤔 (Sarcasm)

[@eezee5744]

30:47 As a 4w3 (and NOT a 5 wing), I'm inherently very creative but can also become uncreative, and it seems it's because I lose my grip with creating for the process of creating and instead tend to think more in terms of seeking success, which stifles the process and makes me not want to do whatever project I'm working on. I can see how becoming more the 5 wing in this regard can help.

[@ninby_salter]

I feeeel you! That’s my constant battle every time I try to create.

[@yibjamin8328]

So that’s what’s happening to me

[@beacherry]

I am also a 4w3, can’t agree more. I often struggle with that. I have many creative ideas and want to be the best, but then I get weary in the process. I do realise when I was younger, I compete because I enjoy the process of bettering myself, I end up doing better than when I focus on winning.

[@edulopesp]

Even though I'm a 4w5 , I feel ya... I love being creative, but once I start thinking about being successful, making money or being applauded, my anxiety creeps in. BOOM. The creative well is dry.

[@hoineihaokipp]

holy fvck same.

[@Jessicaunarex]

I am 4w5 but with also a heavy 3 wing which helps me from becoming a complete weirdo. The 3 in me definitely wants achievement and success (recognition) and the 5 intellectually recognizes I am worthy of such, but the 4 feels like my defectiveness makes me unworthy. 4s also feel unworthy of love (b/c there is something wrong with us) and therefore if you love us there must be something wrong with you b/c if you knew how odd we felt you most certainly would not love us. The image of the 3 helps me function in daily life but it also adds a lot of narcissistic feelings within, and so I find myself reaching towards the 5 more just so I don't drive myself crazy. I am so thankful for the 5 wing. I don't think I could manage without it.

[@twlahue]

Thanks for the insight.

[@savage_skirt5386]

My sister from another mister (4w5)

[@dianana7371]

This is exactly how I feel as a 4w5.

[@sirigi22]

4x3 here, I play the clarinet and classical guitar and I read a lot of classic works and I have studied philosophy. I love all my hobbies, but I also want to "appear" cultured to others (facade is important too) haha...I really relate to the aristocrat thing.

[@sofiebonaparte7831]

same

[@lydiascott5603]

In my experience as a 4 and with others that I know, what you said about blaming ourselves is very accurate. We have this guilty nature even when we know we're dead wrong

[@twlahue]

Thanks for sharing that.

[@yakovpyatnitskov]

Thank you Mr. LaHue. The phrase “I’d rather be broken but in control than Ok but not in control” made me reflect on my whole life.

[@TheSungjiun]

The explanation you said that we were all fallen, broken ever since the garden of Eden completely broke the bondages of the shame that gripped me for years! Thank you!

[@minnie6163]

🌻💛 I hope you are well !

[@La_Santa0]

When you talked about the loss of love from a parent thing, that hit me extremely hard... My dad left me when I was 10, a week after my birthday, and I blamed it on myself for years and years. I blamed myself so much, that I attempted suicide. All I want in life is to feel worth it, and loved. I’ve longed for it for years, and I always blame myself for most of the bad things that have happened to me. I’m 15 right now, and I really appreciate this video. You make me feel worthy and noticed, thank you so much man. It means so much.

[@jazquartz]

Im so sorry about what you went through - you are so young! Just know that you are in complete control of your life right now, and in a couple years when you look back you will feel proud of yourself for standing strong in times of vulnerability. Please take care of yourself, if you are patient the benefits will show 💕

[@evadebruijn]

Hi La Sánta, how are you doing now? Two years, from 15 to 17, in covid years as well, I hope you found your peace with your father leaving. ❤️🤗❤️💪🍀✌️

[@g0refairy]

damn nobody has ever read me so well. 4w5 here feeling ~understood~ for the first time

[@rayannygabrielly]

im not crying, you're

[@entschnabler]

23:25 i spontaneously clapped my hands in the sense of 'AMEN to THAT!' i completely understand people who just don't get why i can't just go live my life sometimes. But it felt very soothing and healing to hear it put this compassionately. All the best and big thanks from Germany

[@urbaby2546]

im a 4w3 and the way you talk about us makes me feel less lonely, thank you:)

[@reneehartwig7897]

This is such a great explanation of 4. I'm a 4w5 and have always felt "different". But that's how God made me.

[@mcrgunman66]

4w5: 22:35 made me start crying at my desk at work. It’s so ludicrously accurate.

[@PrincessPikachu1]

NGL This was really hard to hear. At first I felt like I was being scolded lol I can spend days in my head and feel like I’m being productive, but idk...I don’t know how to be motivated for action. And I know I shouldn’t expect people to want to sit with me in my “moments” but I can’t get out. I isolate because I know no one wants to be around me and I can’t get out. This probably makes no sense, but maybe another 4w5 can relate?

[@starlitcentaur]

i relate 💙

[@mountainmama4481]

There was some scolding. There was also a lot of insight. Let's all have these conversations without the scolding. This video was enlightening.

[@lisaoktaviane986]

Omg yes.. i feel like im productive but realise its all in my head.. 😭🤣

[@elisabethcrotser4278]

I hear you and I relate

[@n.c.7149]

Makes perfect sense 💕 you're not alone Fellow 4w5

[@brendanrumph1502]

Good job! I think your 4 videos are popular among fours because you do a great job of explaining them and their dynamics. Too many (especially from the "narrative traditions") paint fours with, frankly, silly characterizations and create self-doubt for fours because they try to explain affectations as traits instead of the underlying dynamics that produce the affects. I, personally, had to struggle for years with "am I a 4w5 or a 5w4?" because of rather shallow presentations on what fours really are. I, for one, appreciate your willingness (even/especially as a non-4) to dig out and present the core elements of the 4, it's very important for all types, but as a four, I can't stress enough how wonderful it is to come across such compassion and true understanding for this type.

[@twlahue]

Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate it.

[@DobyWan]

I’m really starting to realize as a 4w3 my competitive nature comes from wanting to win for my “status” but also not losing because that creates shame “embarrassment” feeling I let people down. So wild.

[@redvelvetcakeYUM]

Adding this to my Favorites playlist. Resounding how you hit all of us in our spirits with the breakdown of our childhood experiences. I am INFP and a 4w5. I crave novelty, research, being inquisitive, artistic, empathetic, philosophical outlets. I love daydreaming and am addicted to this coping mechanism. I am going to try to learn how to "develop my wing 3 and develop this as a strength".

[@dr_orient4782]

...INFP-T +4w5 here - your analysis of the nature of 4 is absolutely masterful - after over 6 1/2 decades on this planet, I can corroborate everything you've said. Thank you so much!...

[@jennifernorrell4924]

Thank you so much for this video. As a 4w5 I have struggled with understanding what was so wrong with me that those closest to me did not care about me or wanted me to be “normal”. I now realize that maybe they were not trying to change me as a person but that they saw the value in my thoughts and understood that it was my approach to presenting those ideas that needed some work in order to turn them into a reality.

[@seanchristopherdanieldiaz9791]

16:33 is perfectly said And 17:34 19:14 I am an infp 4w5 This whole video is perfectly said. I've never been able to put my feelings and emotions into words. Thank you for this. Nail on the head throughout.

[@gathoninjage6629]

I have no idea how I got here... but wow! My little 4w5 heart feels so seen. And the opportunity to learn about how the traits of w3 can be of value to me is so good. What a great use of my time this has been! Thank you.

[@teelynnsaldana7721]

I thought I was a 2 because I cried when I listened BUT this one hits me harder..

[@Mayra.Xochitl]

yup, I am definitely a 4w5 but I can see how sometimes I move to a 3 as I also tend to like the things that 3 like. and how it can benefit me. and when I spend too much time in my head and emotions, after a long while. I just say okay. enough I need to get things done and then suddenly I am a 1 and get everything accomplished. Thank you for making these 4s videos Tom. They have helped make the puzzle in my head more complete. Briggs, Enneagram, Astrology, human design, Spirituality, and esoteric knowledge all have contribute to my grand puzzle of my being. I am not only a better human for it but I can finally seriously contribute my service to humanity in my own unique way. and I love that. as I deeply want to make a real change in this world, for this world and all the beings that are in it. blessings and love to everyone.

[@clairecolomb3302]

Unbelievable conclusion: Something is taken from our hand and that leaves space to receive. Congratulations and thank you.

[@SugarSnapDragon]

My parents were extremely loving. My dad could be really critical but when it came to love, and being told I was loved, and knowing I was loved, that was a given. But I relate to everything else about 4s.

[@sayrewilkin9372]

This is the most relatable analysis I've heard of 4w5. I was laughing out loud at some of the nails you hit directly on the head.

[@saras5818]

Thank u so much for all the efforts you put to actually understand people's different perspective. As a 4w3 I'm always dealing with balancing my emotions and my logical sense and it sometimes can get really frustrating considering my age(17) ,because sometimes I feel like maybe it is not so healthy to have these sort of deep emotions going on but on the other hand I can't really help it. So thank you again for investing your time to help people like us I really appreciate it.

[@benadrylcabbagepatch2527]

This video helped me so much. For a long time I was on the fence about whether I’m a 4w5 or 4w3 since I got 4w5 on all my tests but I’m often active and tend to see the world with a “everything sucks but it’s cool anyway” attitude and I can be an achiever if I’m in the right mood. But I think your video has convinced me that I’m a 4w5 as I’m less concerned with my image than I am with knowing that my mind and my ways of life set me apart from others. I also tend to withdraw from people and live inside my head when I’m not feeling the best rather than seek validation. I have 7 in my tritype, so the being active and finding everything exciting part makes sense. Before, I didn’t know that one can develop their opposite wing, so that must be where my potential to achieve comes from. Thank you so much for uploading!

[@charmainefrost]

“Odd is your address” - LOL, too true! 4w5 eccentric (with “eccentric” sometimes being a badge of honor, a marker of being “beyond the mundane” used to temporarily/unsuccessfully counterbalance ever-present, nagging feelings of worthlessness). You described the core wound so well. I remember wondering, at age 11, why I was so intrinsically flawed and thus unlikeable by anyone. I was changing schools that year and consciously decided to make myself invisible, thereby hiding my “defectiveness” from others and avoiding the pain of (guaranteed) future rejection. So, probably moved towards the 5 wing at that age. Have done various forms of art thru the years. A recurrent theme has been to illuminate the secret beauty in what’s usually discarded as broken, worthless or even repulsive by most of society - for example, a series of photographs showing bread mold (grown in my basement) up close, full of soft textures and interweaving colors. Portraits of homeless people, with the history of perennial human suffering and striving etched in their faces. The colorful patterns in rust, the beauty of a crack drawn across the once-perfect porcelain cup, fallen plants midway thru the process of decomposition and return to dust. Even if one doesn’t *do* any specific kind of art, Four perhaps is the shamanic artist - seeing what’s valuable, even beautiful, even in the shadow realms.

[@evadebruijn]

You'll love the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi 🤗

[@fioletskye1950]

I never realised this until it took me back to when I was around 10 y.o. what really hurted me the most when my dad prioritized and chose my sister over me, clearly made her his favorite when I was there breathing.. I am not sure though but I remember it till now. I don't know what else happened in my childhood that made me who I am.

[@catherineb2595]

What a great description of 4w5! Thank you for the amazing insight. (As 4s, you know we love insights!) As I get older, I get more, not less, willing to let my freak flag fly. I had to rely on that 3w as a young woman, but as an old woman, I csn fully embrace my 4w5 tendencies. 💜

[@nompilogwabavu3438]

I so relate to this! The older I get the more eccentric seems like my normal....

[@heatherstubbs6646]

Thank you so much for this! It has given me a new insight into myself. With two wildly narcissistic parents and a vicious bully of a brother, I truly did grow up believing I was irredeemably flawed. It took me 20 years of therapy to realize that wasn’t true. I’m completely new to the enneagram, but I think I’m a 4w3. I found your description so understanding and compassionate. Before I watched this video, I had watched a different video about 4’s, and merely felt made fun of. It wasn’t helpful. THIS was helpful. Understanding some of the reasons behind my feelings helps to avoid the pitfalls. I greatly appreciate this. Thank you!

[@jessyp6017]

You are so thorough and it has truly helped me feel more comfortable in my skin. I'm a 4w5 and this whole video truly resonated with me. To see the connection back to the garden has truly opened my eyes to understanding the enneagram and being a 4 better. Thank you! Blessings!

[@monicaburger5788]

This was fantastic. By far the best breakdown of type 4 that I've seen. Thank you for your passionate and thoughtful approach to this!

[@callingafriend]

This is so profound and makes so much sense after seeing myself more objectively after a year of therapy, thank you very much 🥲

[@hiraeth7582]

"the people that were supposed to love you withdrew from you, and it doesn't make sense to you why they did that" really hits for my childhood self

[@kelvinaraujo3655]

I am taking SO MANY NOTES! Loving It Man, It's helping me a lot. Thanks for the content

[@nompilogwabavu3438]

There's a genuine respect, admiration and compassion with which you've delivered this. It feels rare...the message is usually 'it's all in your head'. If you just get over it you'll be fine. I love how you say an over attraction to grief etc. It's real, it's valid, it's maybe just not always helpful.

[@wadi244]

The best source for understanding enneagrams I know. Thank you so much !

[@Water88Rabbit]

Love the darkness it’s where I find my light 😉 thanks !

[@fbdavila12]

OMG, I'm so thankful for you! Thank you for sharing in depth especially from a Christian perspective. I really appreciate you!

[@charlesdaubner7667]

Tom, you are a great vehicle for communicating these ideas to a large audience. You have a grace to connect

[@misslovejoy1665]

I'm glad I just found this video. I'm a 4w3 and loss has been a topic all my life, now I've lost my best friend and soulmate and I'm digging deeper into the enneagram topic as a kind of distraction. You seem like such a kind and thoughtful man and this video has helped and calmed me more than all the counseling sessions I had. Big & heartfelt thanks for this and you gained a new follower.

[@minnie6163]

I lost a dear friend too. It helps to understand how your emotion work and run deep... 🌻💛 I hope this journey of self understanding heals you 🌄

[@danilles.4247]

Thank you for that message at the end. as a 4w5 I learned so much and very much value this video

[@melissamarshall5880]

19:15 You hit the nail on the head. My dad and older sister constantly told me I was “too emotional” when I was really young and my dad went on to ignore me at all time unless I needed to be disciplined. My whole life I grew up thinking I was unlovable and watched myself sabotage my other familiar, romantic, and brotherly relationships, secretly both afraid of being rejected as well as punishing myself. I almost did it with my husband but luckily, with the help of a therapist, I realized that the unconditional love we yearn for has to also be extended to ourselves. That extreme empathy we feel for others has to turn into compassion for ourselves. Not so we can linger in that dark place but so we can prove others wrong by knowing we are worth being loved. Though I don’t entirely agree with the Christian theology, I do believe that there is a Creator that has beautifully and fiercely designed us so that we may serve the individual purposes we are put here for.

[@SecondChances06]

I love how in depth you are with your analysis on each enneagram. I’m a 4 wing 3

[@Baulx138]

I cannot thank you enough for making these videos. This has benefited me tremendously. This was, as you say, truly profound! I was deeply moved by this video in particular. I have 2 very close friends(the only friends I hang out with) and one is a 2 and the other is a 3. And I laughed at how accurate you described them. Thank you so much for your work and understanding.

[@annaw.mischief3670]

4 minutes into the video and I'm about to cry. Thank you, it means a lot to me.

[@pineappleboidraws]

Holy snot talking about type 4 so in-depth really hit the nail on the head. I've worked out some of the issues I have as a Type 4, but man, I didn't realize that my own wailing gets in the way of me being happy. Also talking about 4w5 showed me even more about myself, considering that I basically fit that type so much. I really have to thank you cause this really made me think.

[@slagoona1790]

This video explains my life. I thought I was a 2 because I seek love and acceptance, but no - listening to you here really struck home. It's like you were, again, explaining my life. And on the advice about developing both wings - totally. I'm a 4w5 and have been developing wing 3 for the past couple of years.

[@havegrace9111]

Yayyy! I've been waiting for this one ! 🙂 your information is so helpful to learn about myself and live my best life. I am married to a 8. It works!!!

[@twlahue]

Awesome.

[@lonefaolan6042]

Thank you for explaining the difference between the wings so clearly and with more detail. It helped me understand more about myself as a type 4.

[@mollyaster5736]

I cried for almost this entire video. Thank you, very much. The Lord bless you and keep you

[@adc7527]

What an insightful video! Your explanation was incredibly thorough and thought provoking! Thank you for your expert delivery!

[@antoinettenovella1630]

This encapsulates Enneagram for me perfectly for the core 4s. My best friend is a 3w and I am a 5w. She is an ENFJ and I am an INFP and you have illustrated the differences perfectly. She presents so beautifully and I really need to care more about my visual presentation, she cares more about her reputation and what impression she creates overall, again - I am quite apathetic about the latter aforementioned but wished this wasn't so. I laugh as I type this as it is so very frustrating yet amusing.

[@Thrivinginthespotlight]

Thank you Dr.Lahue! I feel loved and seen when i watch your informative and thorough videos. I feel like youre a safe guardian for the fours 💚

[@twlahue]

Wonderful!

[@bringeroflightdesigns7598]

Been doing a lot of self development in the last ten years. . . Everything from astrology to numerology to ancestral trauma. . . Last year I came across attachment styles and found deep awareness of who I am. . I would rather claim its my fault because if I am the problem I can fix it. . . To hear you say it only validates further all the aspects of all the modalities out there. . I find such divine patterning in all the studies of our human condition. Thank you for serving your purpose.

[@christaholtz3824]

" I would rather claim its my fault because if I am the problem I can fix it." I literally said this many, many times .. many years ago. Once I got sober, I began to see my pattern of toxic relationships that were rooted in childhood neglect/abandonment/emotional abuse and now only make space in my life for relationships that are based in honesty, love, and respect. My circle is small. 🙂It has been/is a long, winding road of healing and the enneagram has been/is a profound tool.

[@sonyagirodon9510]

I can't believe how precises this is!! I just discovered that I'm a 4w5. When I listen to this, my jaw is dropping!! Oh, yes, and I do need to be more careful of what I say and how it comes across to the mundane world. Ha-ha-ha!

[@YEDxYED]

INFP 4w5 here

[@sandrajankovic638]

Yup so true...thank you this helped me put the missing pieces of the puzzle in place and finally get my whole picture...4w5

[@Forestwhissper]

As a 4w5, THANK YOU, you just helped me to understand myself so much better and why I experience and go through the things I do at this stage of my life. I knew it instinctively but you helped me to Intelectualize it and be able to put in into words. Just in middle of a break up after 2y living with a type 8(w7?) which I love and respect very much but can't deal with and she probably feels the same way. You are absolutely right about the need to balance my 4w5 with w3 to get some real practical action in life.

[@DivineOracularEssense]

You’re awesome! Thanks for the great content. I really appreciate the way you gave us 4w5 advice about getting by in this world. It was said in such a constructive way and I can see now where I may have to be mindful of in how I come across in certain situations. Thanks!!

[@eliaswertzberger3997]

Thank you sooooo much for doing these videos!! As a 4w5 and sometimes 4w3 I would say SP (not sure though) These videos are like strong medicne that’s hard to swallow and might even make you purge but in the end it really heals you by bringing out your truer essence and in peace of oneself!!! I’ve got no idea how you as a 7 can be so articulate with these intense feelings and as well being so objective though so empathetic and insightful…

[@NexusNemesis]

got me crying through several parts of this video.... I am learning.. thank you. (4w5)

[@whynot4]

Excellent video. You hit it on the head perfectly. These videos really help me and I apprecite your work. Thank you.

[@twlahue]

Thanks.

[@CallMeOdaliz]

I'm a 4 but very closely I was only one percent less a 7. So the fact that you present that 7 and 4 are polar opposites in some ways, it totally makes sense why I feel so crazy all the time. Running away from feelings but also fully embracing and often overidentifying with hard feelings to then possibly avoid other more painful feelings. It's a lot but I feel more understood 😅

[@benadrylcabbagepatch2527]

I was looking for this comment and I just wanted to say, same. I do think that us 4s with 7 in their tritype can become healthy and not crazy by developing a “go with the flow” kind of attitude and accepting our deeper emotions as just a part of ourselves, while also learning to laugh at them once in a while. Not to say take them less seriously, but just kind of embrace them and see them objectively. That’s how I manage anyhow.

[@picolino8556]

@@benadrylcabbagepatch2527 I feel the same, it’s hard but improving ourselves to the best will form a great personality

[@safouenhatake6570]

most of enneagram videos make me feel overwhelmed and exhausted but now i'm relax and enjoy thank you and i like your amazing contents

[@MicheleLaCagnina]

Whoa. I grew up on the Enneagram, and this was the most insightful talk I've heard in years. Thank you!

[@direitocomnathaliaviana]

As a good 4 person, i must say, that the most enjoyable parts of this videos are the one he says "this is so profound, this is so interesting" hahahaha because it actually flatters me in a very weird way. It's :Hey you're broken, but you're very interesting broken person.

[@FrownyMascot]

So great to see you again, ive missed you Dave Attell!!

[@recreateyoulifecoachingand3874]

You are so on the money! The man I thought was my dad died when I was 4 and another man announced himself as my father and went MIA! My mom was depressed and an alcoholic and I was a trigger for all the pain my father caused her. So I had to find direction in my internal world and accepted that it was not okay to be loved, protected or dependent on anyone

[@jasmin1773]

As an enneagramm 4w5 self-preservation I learned to main things out of listening to your videos. First: receiving help and not defy, because I see others wanted to change me, just pointing out non-benefical behaviours;). And at second: That the desire to suck in as much information to solve ones problem from the outside is beneficial, but at one point to say: know I understood it, it's time to embody this knowledge. I thinks that's the point where self-preserving types can bloom and be helpful to others:). Finally clarity comes without trying by accepting oneself:). Greetings from Germany

[@_linlin_]

Yeah I feel like I have never had enough information for self development

[@gregoryritchie7852]

Tom: I've just discovered your channel. This video plus the Christian perspective you bring too, has been immeasureably meaningful. It's taken me decades to realize I'm a 4w5 needing to "borrow" from the w3. I truly need to "camp" awhile and ponder the depth here.

[@meridians_]

Another great video, Tom. Thank you!

[@donnawilliams-ormond9666]

I admire you and your insight on the Enneagram. As a certified facilitator on the Enneagram I have probably researched most of the so called, “gurus”, and you are providing tremendous insight as well receiving insight. Now here comes some insight:), Prince did not use a symbol for his name or change his name to, “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince” to just be different. It happened after a dispute with his record company which he wanted to leave and they more or less said they owned his music they produced with his Prince name. In a brilliant Type 4 move, he said you can take the name, I’m still the Artist and people will know who I am, so keep the name. He was Right.

[@twlahue]

Thanks for that info...I was not aware of that fact. Glad you found my channel.

[@jenz6252]

New to enneagram and typed as a 4w5. Resonates with me. I studied mbti and typed as an enfp. It, for me, wasn't complete but wow this explanation you did is. When I read about enfp 4w5 it really fills in the gaps. Thank you for your channel & videos. This is my first video of yours and look forward to watching more of your other content. 🤔 😎👍

[@sarahspade1445]

This is an amazingly accurate depiction of 4! Thank you so much!

[@twlahue]

Glad you think so!

[@bettynorqual4004]

I love your videos on all the types they are very informative and very impressive how much research and reading you do. Thank you so much for providing these videos for us to learn more deeply about ourselves and all the different types in our lives

[@dezlaroche8133]

I thought I was a 1 for several years, then I thought I was a 2 for a couple of years. I now realize I’m a 4w5. I think I had to heal a lot of trauma before I could see through the trauma traits of perfectionism and people pleasing before seeing my true nature. I am very eccentric and zeroed in on suffering. I shifted into Tibetan Buddhism for that reason, because of all of their focus on suffering. Also because I love learning the Tibetan language and the artistic nature of Tibetan Buddhism. I’m also zeroed in on the suffering of Christ and how he is closest to us in our suffering when we are ready to ask for help. People regularly come to my office at work to discuss the things that would bring them shame to discuss on the trading floor. My art is all about healing from trauma and it incorporates different aspects of my spiritual practice. I recognize that I can come off as a little eccentric to people and that I probably like that because it protects me from being abandoned. I love listening to you. 🙏🏻

[@zoyalu5116]

Amazing info..this is so spot on! As a 4w5 i can relate.

[@twlahue]

Glad you can relate. Thanks.

[@MexTexican]

I am vegan was diagnosed with leukemia 2 years ago given 6 months to live. Had no interest in chemo am doing fine working with a shaman and hypnotherapist. So my 5 wing is alive and well 😉 you are so helpful! Thank you Dr Tom! 👍🏽

[@common_man1337]

Sorry to hear about your leukemia, hope you are well! I just wanted to share this with you, just in case it will be of help for you. Water fasting seems to be effective for defeating cancer. From what I've learned, cancer cells need nutrition (they especially like carbohydrates), and when you fast you take away that nutrition, and cancer cells are supposedly very bad at surviving in this fasted environment. And even more promising is fasting combined with chemotherapy. Fasting increases the effectiveness of the chemo (it makes the chemo kill more cancer), and it also makes the side effects from chemo less bad. But fasting alone seems to be somewhat effective against cancer. It is talked about in this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/iarFhZ2GarF_ntU. (Note: This video talks about a study done on mice, but I think there was also some science done about it on humans, but I don't recall where I saw it.) Here, the alternative healing methods (fasting) is working wonderfully symbiotically with the methods of western medicine (chemo). If I ever get cancer, this is what I'll do. I'm water fasting right now to aid the healing of a foot injury; day 5 right now. It's easier than you might think. :)

[@sdmugabe]

You have great energy sirr, I can listen to you all day👍🏾

[@oniimpulse]

This was phenomenal. Thank you!

[@deborah3709]

Thank you for this. I am new to the knowledge I am a 4w5. This was very insightful!! So accurate.

[@Untouched77]

I'm a 4w5, everything you said was 100% accurate for me