Enneagram: The Difference Between 9w8 and 9w1

Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
#enneagram, EnneagramTypes, CliftonStrengthsFinder, PersonalityAssessment, self-discovery, Strengths-Based Development, Understanding Personality, Personal Growth, Enneagram Test Results, Unlock Your Potential, Mindfulness, SelfAwareness, SelfImprovement, LifeCoach, UnlockPotential, Motivation, strength, Relationships, love, soulmate, self-love, love yourself, intimacy, emotional connections, dating, communication, healthy relationships, true love, power of love, relationships, marriage, love language, love quotes, love tips, love and happiness, trust, love and relationships, love advice, unconditional love, happy, love, Myers-Briggs,

[@mer6082]

Him apologizing for talking about obscure or harmself aspects of 9s while actually we the 9s wouldn't mind and actually agree with it cause we are 9s

[@isfj8w741]

💀😭💀💀🤧

[@peacemaker7622]

LOL saaame thought

[@TheAngiepangie424]

INFP 9 3 6

[@slindilengcobo3235]

So true

[@Faeriefungus]

4w5 but my top three are 4,2,9. I’m sorry to all who” know” me

[@Tray2323FTW]

"What are you avoiding?" ...Yes.

[@2bjb244]

Procrastinating by watching this video (though it was really informative and helped a lot, thanks)

[@meganpitt]

Lol

[@jelsmommy]

Everything!

[@qingyangluo4335]

life

[@rebekkahhollister]

Exactly

[@TheRockk35]

9w8 - 15:13 9w1 - 29:48

[@loref4200]

I went to do this, and found your comment. Thank you. I appreciate you.

[@alexandercooke4201]

Thaaaannnksss

[@succferring3185]

Bless your soul

[@squeaksp3324]

THANK YOU 🙏

[@fabiandulceanu3537]

Thank you so much!

[@karamattea6549]

“9w8 maybe has the ability to blacklist you” “they will still be harmonious around you, but in their mind, you are blacklisted”.....This is 1000% true for me. Once someone crosses a certain line with me, it’s like a switch flips in my heart/mind, although they may never know it.

[@claudiarivas8492]

I got to this part of the video and just laughed because it is true 😂 I treat everyone quite nicely, but I'll never let these people know that I don't care anymore about what they decide to do or say 😳

[@TheLocalWitch]

Yep, this is me 100%

[@maywewonder]

Same here. I got bullied at work by a very toxic manager. A switch went off in my mind, a light bulb. I lost my respect for that person. I resigned and continued to work there for 1 month. To me, this person barely existed anymore. I never treated this person the way they treated me. If anything, I might have been too kind to them but I couldn't help it. This person was confused/shocked to find out that I reported them for bullying (I never saw them afterwards, I was free to go). I didn't do it for my own sake, but for potential future victims of bullying. I've heard from other victims since I left, and they are grateful that my record exists.

[@melissajohnson8050]

As a 2 I know it, I just can't accept it and try to win him over and change his mind, making it worse and he retreats more. But I know.

[@katherinepeters4607]

Same!!!

[@nuwrcaan]

He's such a 7 grieving the predicament of the 9... Meanwhile 9s are like... ...

[@maymayrays]

🤣💯

[@mrnharry2958]

Because he's the father of a 9, of course it would touch him, worry him.

[@caitlinlouiseee]

Hahahaha omg 😂

[@Violet_Odorata]

You know the feeling that you don't really know the problem until someone bring it to light? This is one of those instances. So for me, not really.

[@Violet_Odorata]

@Hinemoa I think that I'm pretty balanced as a 9. I do have the tendency of 8 but I see myself leaning a bit towards 1 cause I am very spacey as a person. And yeah, I can see your point right there in the end 😂

[@Rachel-og8jy]

(12:54) It's funny how he's being apologetic about offending us 9s, meanwhile we (or at least I) probably accept any criticism as fair as long as it's said in a calm tone of voice.

[@pocasanchez]

This just made me realize that the reason I don't take criticism well is bc at any moment, I'm bleeding myself dry for everyone around me and cannot possibly give any more so if anyone were to criticize my efforts, I wouldn't take it well. If they criticize something else, like being too easy going or my hair or something I really don't care but when it comes to being and doing enough, don't you dare criticize me!😅

[@keijutin]

Exactly! The calm tone of voice is essential. 😄 I laughed at this, because lately I've been getting criticism from a 6 for wanting to discuss things in a calm manner. My friend is the opposite of calm, he is full of chaos and he doesn't do calm very well. But I'm happy you get the importance of this.

[@ariantejano2518]

The anger of a 9w8, when expressed, is more intense than an 8's. Do not mess with a sloth who has a grenade heart. 😂

[@latteARCH]

now i'm imagining a sloth with a grenade in its hand

[@brandipiecora7640]

Right - I am a 9w8 and I am furious that my peace got disturbed. I’m often angrier that “someone made me act that way!!!!” 🤔😳

[@kellylopez2735]

Don’t poke the bear they say

[@jazzmaradermedia3550]

the most valid statement I have ever seen.

[@joellenlevitre2590]

yes!!

[@cloewebster619]

Him, talking about a 9w8: “when you die to your own passion in life and your own life goal aren’t important, you replace that with less important things. Which is why how your sandwich is made, or sitting in a comfortable chair, is so important to you.” Me, hearing this right after finally choosing a spot to sit, after trying 3 different chairs in the doctors office waiting room: “😳.....”

[@BrokenSofa]

Yeah, I had a drinking and partly an eating problem through my teens and early twenties. Finally took responsibility over my life now at 25 years old and figured out what I wanted to do and gather the courage to go for it with that childish joy. Suddenly that desire to go out to the pubs or sitting on the couch watching hours and hours of netflix or playing videogames has gone away. I still have a couple of beers every once in a while just to chill on the weekend and hanging out with friends but its much more enjoyable than getting totally shitfaced just for the fuck of it because I’m without a goal and have nothing to aim this energy at

[@rainiermanga3191]

As a 9w1, when you said "I have to carry all the weight while others goof off." and having to keep a lid on that anger, I really felt that.

[@tyleremery7088]

It's been a common theme in my life that even if everyone else is goofing off or not following the rules or anything like that, I've got to be the responsible and put-together one in whatever situation, because the moment that I loosen my collar just a little and go along with it is the moment that I'm the one who gets called out for whatever it is - not them, who have been doing it the whole time while I was sitting there behaving myself, me.

[@multieyedmyr]

Dealing with this at my current job.

[@slindilengcobo3235]

Wait till you lash out (in an out of body experience kind of way) and everyone’s view of you changes. Then you put a lid on being taken for granted.

[@Maggoz777]

@@tyleremery7088 Who are you and why have you been following my daily life!?

[@meganpierce9977]

I literally SQUIRMED when you asked “what are you avoiding?” Like as in, my list of things including looking for a job that I am not doing by watching a 45 min video on my enneagram? 😪

[@CharpyTheHedgehog]

I relate to everything about the 9 (particularly the 9w8) except for the idea of us having no ego/thinking we're worthless etc. That's the only thing that doesn't resonate. I see great value in myself, I simply don't assert that onto others. Quietly confident.

[@er6730]

As a 9w8, I can confirm that I do have one or two people blacklisted. If I see someone who is abusing their power, even just making fun in a mean-spirited way, and making people feel small, I slap an imaginary "not to be trusted" sign on their forehead. And I don't want to be in the vicinity. Yuck.

[@mikeinfp-type-9684]

E R ... I thought I was a one-wing, but maybe I’m an eight-wing because I also have a blacklist. I’ve never actually called it a blacklist but, ever so rarely, there is a person whose energy I find deeply repellant. This happened one time when a new boss came to my workplace. Initially, she rubbed my coworkers the wrong way too, but eventually, they all seemed to come around to her. I actually prayed for God to take the hate out of my heart because, by any rational standard, the feelings I felt toward her were disproportionate, but I was never able to shake it. I’m usually pretty subdued, but I literally danced when she was moved on.

[@felicity250285]

I too have blacklisted. Never even thought about it, but sure enough

[@twlahue]

Right. Thanks for the input.

[@KJAlways]

Awesome!!! They are so not worth it! I am still nice to everybody if I see them in public places, but I am not going to allow them into my private aspect of my life or my personal space. My heart is locked from them, to a point. If they need help, I would call 911 for them or give them water... my heart, vulnerability and trust... NO WAY! I don't like mean people either!

[@Copperangel982]

9W8 and I have definitely blacklisted a few people. I will put up with a lot, but once you abuse my friendship, I'm done. There are others who appreciate me and who help me live a more full life.

[@sarahbaker9771]

Wow. I am a 9 and when you said that 9s are likely living a watered down life, that shook me. Thank you

[@twlahue]

Yes... I know that is hard to hear.

[@SoyJGAko]

Me too!! I’m so glad someone put this experience into words!

[@emgmin]

I was literally about to post the same thing. Recently I've noticed that I could very easily just live my life as a spectator and I don't want to do that so I've decided to hire a career transition coach.

[@dajillwilliams]

I'm shook too. Learning about being a 9 has been very eye opening. Now just have to put into practice to be a better 9

[@susanboehler647]

Me too!

[@kryzysta]

9w8 If my coffee comes out wrong at my favorite coffee shop, I will definitely go up to the counter and ask them to remake it. 😂 But I’m always very apologetic and courteous like, “Heyyyy, I’m so sorry, but I ordered my coffee this way and it came out that way. Would you be willing to please make another?” 😂😂😂

[@twlahue]

Exactly...Thanks!

[@CC-yx9yn]

Yes this! But it really depends on the day. If I desperately need my favorite coffee, I'll go up and ask them to re-make it but I am super super apologetic and like. Other times I"m like, "ugh, I don't want to inconvenience them and I don't really feel like asking them to" lol

[@uauauau4056]

This is really my language 😆

[@shastacreek4085]

I'm a 9-8, sexual 9. I've used the calming nature of being a 9 in nursing but I've been playing small in my personal life. How do you become more embodied or present in life? I don't want to wake up and realize I didn't live life to the fullest.

[@shaunrussell4558]

Oh my gosh, It’s like reading my own dialogue!! SO true!!

[@mcbutter9]

I think as a child I was a 9w1 but as I've grown up I had to force myself to take action over my life through the emotional and somewhat physical abuse so I've transformed into a 9w8 over time

[@OrangeEnjoyer]

Yeah, I can strongly relate to how your childhood experiences affect enneagram. Growing up I have experienced a lot of communication difficulties where problems weren’t addressed constructively and emotions were immediately and explosively expressed. Some people tried to condition me to be a 9w1, letting problems go unacknowledged and keeping emotions bottled up. I’ve always known that that doesn’t fix any problems and perpetuates the cycle of terrible communication. I’ve always been an emotional person, so I’ve completely ignored that lesson, but now that I know that I have that internalised anger, I’m probably part of the toxic problem. I’ve learnt to be more vocal and impulsive in my responses due to that underlying rage as it was modelled for me. Nobody was really standing up for me and I had to deal with conflict on my own with my mum, so I took control, thus becoming a 9w8.

[@AizzellMio]

What are you avoiding right now: Me: Adulting and responsibilities :D I challenge you to do the thing you're avoiding. Me: 😶....... - runs away-

[@amazinchiik]

😗

[@keyrarodriguez5432]

Ugh so relatable! Time to face your fears!!

[@micahalan]

truuuueeee

[@Talierau3]

we can always learn new strengths :) My default used to be 9w1 and I've learned (thanks to my mom who's an 8), how to be more confrontational. According to her (she's certified and uses enneagrams in her consultant work), the goal is to integrate strengths from both wings. they are not meant to be rigid! I was convinced I was only a 9w1 and it was preventing me from allowing myself to speak up for myself and embrace confrontation. My mom assured me that I had access to the 9w8 inside of me and encouraged me to own it. It wasn't magically easy but was more natural than I had anticipated. I identify with almost every trait from both wings, so I encourage my fellow 9s to own their 9-ness awesomeness and try integrating the wings when the opportunity presents!

[@twlahue]

YES, YES, YES!

[@Laura-wh3yc]

Great comment. I was going to ask, @@twlahue if it's possible to be both. I find that depending on the situation I step up for others and myself, I have blacklisted people, but I am also be on the orderly, artistic side.

[@nandryconrod2733]

This comment is really helpful. I see different parts of both wings within myself. I have had a few important confrontational moments in my life, but I would never ask someone to redo my order if they got it wrong

[@ellislorant5479]

Yes! My mom is an 8 also and the reason why I was a 9w1 and I've come out as a 9w8 over time and she's been the one I've pushed against some.

[@muaddib8390]

I came looking for this comment thank you

[@mthiele6086]

It’s actually pretty accurate how nines find pleasure in the simple things. I’ve really never thought about how much routines matter to my daily life. It will be the simplistic thing too. Really eye opening! Thanks!

[@twlahue]

Glad you found my channel.

[@mikeinfp-type-9684]

I also get great enjoyment from leaving sunflower seeds out for the squirrels, watching the sunrise, or collecting semiprecious stones by the beach. So peaceful!

[@KJAlways]

@@mikeinfp-type-9684 I like feeding the birds seeds in my back yard. I need to put the hummingbird water back out for them too. I hope I will have flowers this year!

[@mikeinfp-type-9684]

KJ Always ~ This is a great time for perennials! Annuals we have to buy and plant each year might be trickier to get ~ unless they start home delivery.

[@caylaf174]

9 w 1 When he said 9s are considered the saga because they normally like to explain every detail and then they tend to lose people's interest (and quiet down when they pick up those cues) I couldn't stop laughing 😂 Never realized that it was a 9 characteristic, just thought I was awkward and boring hahaha

[@pradnyad]

Me too! Absolutely!!

[@pingui089]

OMG meee too!!!

[@taegibears6056]

It is very nice to know that we are doing that so we could give as many information as we can so the other could understand and have a better perspective to the story. I thought I just not good at selecting the important part of stories to others.

[@pocasanchez]

I don't think I've told a story for a decade for this reason😅 I've had some crazy experiences and nobody on this earth will ever hear about them unless I write them down one day haha

[@briangarner]

I"m a self aware 9w8, when people really offend me, it takes A LOT to do so, but when that happens, I'm done with them.

[@katiesills7935]

I’m deeeeefinitely a 9w1. When you asked, “What are you avoiding?” I had a hard time coming up with the answer. I have no idea where to even start. I mean, I know I am, but I can’t figure out what.

[@twlahue]

I would love for you to book an appointment: www.tomlahue.com

[@katiesills7935]

I would love to! Alas the hubby got laid off and I’m a teacher. So, we have to watch all expenditures. Unless you take insurance...

[@texamanian_dude]

I can 100% relate with you here.

[@alexj9603]

Same here. What a question to ask at the end of a 43 minute video... Actually, several things come to my mind that I have been avoiding today. But I can't figure out which of them to do first. I guess I need some more time to think about it 😏.

[@tomas5650]

I'm most likely 9w8 and what you say about reacting with anger due to pressure... I also see applying to when people invalidate my thoughts/opinions, even when I'm wrong with my assumptions, especially when they're just "being honest". I get really angry/defensive! I don't take lightly to people telling me what to think, even if I'm wrong and they're right. What I've concluded is that the core of that is a sensitivity to not being allowed to have my own thoughts/opinions, and the need to think for myself. Things can be worded in a way that is less blunt but still helps me conclude the same details, avoiding me getting angry. Invalidating my feelings by rationalizing the situation (by calling me sensitive, or justifying the person triggering it as "just being honest"), makes me even more furious, and I dig so deep that I usually have to break away and cut ties. Whether my feelings make sense or not, I find it important for them to be acknowledged and advice not directly given (again, allowing me to go through my own process). The emotions (anger and sadness) just feel too intense to handle. And in the aftermath it feels really uncomfortable knowing that someone has the ability to push me to that place, so I often avoid them entirely. Once a boundary is crossed, it can't be uncrossed (unless they really do their part to validate my experience).

[@stephanieraetrahant436]

I'm a 9 who identifies most with the 8 wing. I find that when I step in like you mentioned, with anger or to referee or whatever, the reason I soon step back "out of the game," looking for the peace again, is because I feel really bad that I was part of conflict or possibly caused the conflict. And I don't know what to do with those feelings.

[@joyfulosity]

This is so accurate, very well put!! As a 9 myself, I have been realizing that pattern of thinking in myself too more and more as I have learned about my enneagram type 9ness… actually getting really stuck and frustrated at times… thank you for sharing your perspective!

[@jasmintorino6129]

My dad was a 9w8 (Peacemaker/Advisor) which explains his stubborn demeanor and general avoidance for conflict. However, he had a tempermental side and would easily get agitated when pushed or prodded to take action at the most inconvenient time. He was also a huge movie buff and idolized Clint Eastwood, also a Type 9w8.

[@brandyyates6127]

9w8 and the Clint Eastwood analogy was spot on! That’s me, just trying to quench my thirst then boom I’m taking folks out to maintain the peace 😂 then i wish it never had to come to that ... why can’t we all just get along

[@brianwelch7731]

Another 9w8 here. This is sooooo true. When I met my wife, I was in the Army. After getting to know me, my theologian pacifist tendency wife asked what such a gentle, peaceful person was doing in the military. I told her that sometimes, in order to have peace, you have to forcefully remove someone/something because as long as that person/thing exists, there will never be peace. And then, of course, there's the regret that comes afterward, but I know that if I had to do it again, I wouldn't hesitate.

[@johnturman6872]

Yup. 9w8 here. I'm getting older and starting to lose my shit on people parking in handicap spots when they have no reason.

[@victoriousjoy9338]

@@brianwelch7731 You rock!! You are the type of person it takes to defend The Republic!! May your kind increase!#

[@anotherforever]

Woah. 9w1 all the way. I've never sent anything back at a restaurant, ever. I'm a poet and aspire to be a counselor. I was in an abusive relationship for 8 yrs with a very strong personality "my way or the highway" type. I kept a job I didn't like for 13 yrs at the expense of my dreams, so I could provide stability for those around me. I see that I need to explore the w8 side to voice my angers and peeves (in a constructive way). I have affirmation that counseling could be a good fit for me. Thank you very much for helping me explore my strengths & room for growth. You are so supportive, even as you pose confronting questions.

[@RoopaDudleyPaintings]

Maybe YOU were the abusive partner by just being YOU...9w1. I am married to one so I KNOW.

[@groawning1345]

I think Counselor/mediator would be a great fit.

[@RoopaDudleyPaintings]

@Hinemoa If I was into having the facts checked and all my ducks in a row, I would be a 6w5. As for what is wrong with me? Oh God...where to even begin?

[@tlhogid663]

I am so sorry about your trials. I am a type 4 and have a few close 9w1 friends who experience similar struggles. I can finally empathise properly with them. I used to be very critical of their inability to stand up for themselves and go after their own desires!

[@madeleinekrick4450]

40:30 9w1 here. Literally went into the professional organizing line of work to organize other people’s physical spaces so that I could put all the pretty little bottles on the counter.

[@nico77212]

I'm a 9w1 and I do suppress my opinions but when it comes to a debate with my cousins, I never want lose an argument like I'll argue with you from dusk till dawn just to win it. And I usually do. I guess it's that desire to speak up for a long time that's triggering it.

[@vargavio]

I'm relatively new to this topic, but I highly suspect that I'm a 9, and the thought of namelessness is not at all heartbreaking for me, nor is it scary. Being helpful to others is much more important than being remembered for it. I like to be non-judgmental, because it brings out the best in people. I love it when people can be themselves around me, and I don't mind if that means that my own personality gets "dissolved" in theirs.

[@maraweatherford7556]

Watched with my 9 husband (because I'm a 5 and like to force info on him) and was cracking up as you described 9w8's being particular about their food order. We have had to go BACK THROUGH THE DRIVE THROUGH because Wendy's forgot his barbecue sauce. So mild mannered until you mess with his sauces.

[@Pinkywinkykinky]

I am a sauce girl and get pretty disappointed when Mcdonalds forgets it

[@haneenasad]

Lmfaooo 😭

[@eggfishy]

I'm a 9w8 and when I was a kid it felt like the worst thing I could do was not take my parents' advice when they gave me advice. My dad would become frustrated with me for acting like I was listening and then doing something completely different, and so I stopped doing that and just listened and followed advice (or would avoid putting myself in situations where advice would be given to me). I never learned how to cope with the disapproval or anger of others. I really wish I made more of my own decisions. As I got older, I started to make more of my own decisions but realized I had to prevent myself from telling anyone because their opinions would sway me. I transferred colleges, THEN I told my parents. I moved across the country, and THEN I told people where I was. etc. I'm working on a second bachelor's degree so I can leave my unfulfilling career and will probably tell people once I have the diploma. I get mistaken for a 5 , 4, 3, or other types that highly value independence. Like 5, I feel the need to isolate myself, but not really to become more competent. I do it to become more in touch with myself and escape influence. I love people but when I'm around them I don't know myself as well. Being by myself and being around other people are both isolating situations. When I'm alone, I become more passionate and "awake".

[@nohasamir3134]

Another big thank you from a 9 wing 1 perfectionist procrastinator!

[@joellenlevitre2590]

As a 9, it's puzzling to me when people say, "...at what expense to yourself?" It feels like being connected with others is of ultimate importance. It doesn't feel like it's detrimental to me to put others first. It seems like that impression from others is a projection of what THEY need. At the same time, I also know that I need to self actualize and become whole and that involves setting limits and having conflict. (I hope this is clear).

[@victoriousjoy9338]

You're so accurate! We 9s are so holistic in our communication. I know I'm a 9, mostly a 1w but I can remember times when I came out like a lion when someone was being hurt by a bully!

[@MrFireman164]

I have always been the bullies bully

[@LeTim013]

Oh yes, as long as it isn't justified or not on equal term I step in

[@AnaFionta]

24:05 thats very true! i tend to completely ignore the person, i wont fight them, ill be done with them in my mind and not even bother to tell them cuz that would create conflict. i just stop calling and answering calls, that evolves with time, until it gets to a point where i dont even remember they exist.. and thats the goal actually... to not let them bother me anymore.. unless the person is an annoying neighbor i cant ignore, wich i had a few and (as a 9w8) i actively started fights with them cuz they were loud (again, like u said, they were disrupting the peaceful harmony i treasure). Great video! Salute from Brazil

[@twlahue]

Thanks, so glad you found my channel.

[@ryanedwards8679]

Yes. Absolutely true. I’ll treat them with respect still, but in truth have lost respect for them and don’t put much stock into what they say or think.

[@eleonore-8969]

That's me! Conflicts with annoying neighbours who disrupt my peace! I have thought many times that I should move to the countryside with no close neighbours. But my husband is a social instinct and would go nuts. But I go nuts living around idiots... I don't know the solution honestly.

[@dianagrigorian9665]

Finally! This channel deserves more subscribers!

[@twlahue]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your encouragement.

[@theUnbridledCreative]

I'm not even a quarter of the way through the video right now but I am in tears because of how strongly this hits my core. Thank you so much for this video. I really needed to hear this. Update: don't apologize for pointing out how we nines "water ourselves down" to get along. I'm sure that there are others who needed to hear it just as much as I did.

[@onmyradiator]

It is so nice when other numbers make the effort to understand and explain nines. Thank you very much, that is a good video. The blacklist thing is true!

[@Jazeraca]

24:00 OMG I always wondered why I got slightly angry when I'm going out, then someone asks, "oh can you also go here and pick this up for me please?" It never made sense to me, but now it does. Thank you sir!

[@lulumartiker]

"Dreamers are not the same thing as doers" ouch :c

[@Prodigious1One]

I'm a 9w1. You're right that 9w1 take too much abuse. I wish I had done things differently. I'll use your advice to improve how I live.

[@SoyJGAko]

I’ve struggled a lot to understand what my wing is and I think this the first place/video that finally clarified it for me! Although I do like being organized and detail oriented I think overall I’m actually 9w8, referee, extroverted, and really find comfort and joy in the simple things! Thank you for the clarity :) Also, anyone else get a craving for vanilla ice cream when he mentioned it? Ahah grabbed myself a scoop

[@twlahue]

Glad it helped!

[@jazzmaradermedia3550]

I feel like based on this video I flip between 9w1 and 9w8 depending on my environment and those around me. Around most people that aren't in my family, I think I'm more of a 9w1. I also feel like I used to be more of 9w8 when was younger.

[@ladyvignette]

I have a 9w8 friend and a 9w1 friend, and this is very accurate. Don't tell the 9w8 what to do, she will just buckle down and refuse to do it even more (stubborn as heck), but the 9w1 will sweetly go along with things and assume perspective doesn't matter (dying to self).

[@maymayrays]

We have a hard time putting ideas into action, because we don’t want action. At all. Ever. 😂

[@heathervazquez6549]

I have been taking a class at my church on the enneagram. This has led me to be mind blown for the last few weeks. I’ve felt many times that I needed to tone down my joy; nobody ever said this, but it’s like I could feel those that my joy annoyed or made feel inferior bc they desired that joy. I never wanted to make anyone upset, so I was willing to tone down my joy (that I had once lost) to keep others comfortable. I prayed and decided against that! That’s the joy the Lord gave me! 9w8 here

[@wonderwomanmomma4112]

I am a 9 denier! Watched this and gave in. It makes me sad to because I have given so much of my life up and always feel like there is more for me. 9w8

[@CuddleClaw.]

This was fabulous! This is definitely part of my tritype. Healthy boundary setting has been a huge struggle for me throughout my life; I’ve been in countless abusive relationships and situations, and at times I’ve been mute, unable to speak up in the moment. I’ve worked on that a lot, and I feel like this year I’ve balanced out, am much more assertive, and healthfully selfish. It feels good to have made so much progress and to feel healthy. I do feel like a huge jerk though when I speak up, but I’ve decided that it’s okay, my needs/wants matter too.

[@twlahue]

Sometimes you just have to be a jerk...chances are you could be a lot more "assertive" before you would ever come across as a "jerk." Thanks for the comment.

[@samikirk05]

I don't know how many times I have been "punished" for (quietly but firmly) standing up for myself, disagreeing (politely, of course), expressing my own wants & needs, etc. Some people get really mean when the seemingly meek little 9 says no to their expectations. This can be unpleasant no big deal unless the other person is a psychopath or your well-being or that of your family depends on the good will of others. In my own 60+ years of life/nine-ness, I really have had to learn to choose my battles.

[@christiec3127]

My Dad is 9w8. Is a counselor who spends all day helping people resolve their problems. When he goes to restaurant he just wants to sit down calmly and quietly and eat his food the way he ordered it in a timely manner. Sometimes he actually prefers eating by himself. He does get mad when people tell him what to do.

[@musicboxtarot1478]

The black listing is true. It takes a long time though! It is a build up or a deal breaker. Also what I hate is when we come around those we black list, if we just closed the door with no communication, we are nice and will go to the peace and harmony automatically. It feels really unauthentic and fake. Personally I hate that I just cannot have a backbone and say how it is. This is in public usually where we do not want a scene. They might say we should get together and we will smile nod but never mean to follow through. If we bump into them in private with out an audience we might be more direct if we think they need to know that their behavior needs to change. 😜

[@katie0698]

Wow exactly

[@leogrrrl5876]

When you talk about 'blacklisting,' I am reminded of the INFJ doorslam.

[@melissaphillis7247]

I'm infj 9....I get ya

[@yllwr0s]

Yes, I thought the same thing!

[@stacyelaine5799]

Being an INFJ I immediately thought the same thing!

[@isismartin]

This INFJ- 9 is here for this statement.

[@diplomat2623]

As an ENFJ 8w9 I was just telling myself that maybe if I we’re introverted I’d be a 9w8 and if I were introverted I would be a INFJ!!

[@pmariec1]

I'm generally a 9w1. Introverted to an extreme, never speaks up even if my steak is shoe leather when I order it rare, will eat it with a smile and tip 21% saying I loved it while crying inside that I'm missing out on that juicy steak. But with close loved ones.... and I get feeling some sort of way.... WATCH OUT. That 9w8 explosion happens.

[@amymullen9489]

Being 9 and a withdrawn type doesn't necessarily mean being quiet; that rambling storytelling style can be honed to make us terrific entertainers. I'm a 9w1. While I'll often sit back and let a meeting or event play out around me, I'll just as often hold the attention of the room and direct the conversation. But as a 9, I don't really care about being the center of attention; I care about being able to control the emotional tenor of the room. It sounds sort of silly to say "I'll improve the world by bringing harmony where I go," but for a type that struggles with really showing up, it requires real work. You have to be present to your own feelings, and other people's feelings, and ideally find a way to bring everyone to a place where they can contribute without sweeping legitimate issues under the table. And it's work that I can't ignore, because I'm MISERABLE when I feel other people's tension or anger and don't address it, whether overtly or more subtly. Furthermore, this stuff comes up everywhere, from business meetings to family meals to activist work. I think this is in practice the kind of "improving harmony" you're likely to see in 9w1, versus the 9w8 stepping in to smack down bad behavior and then returning to their regularly scheduled lives. Your mileage may vary, of course.

[@catthecarnivore]

Boy oh boy...I’ve never heard the 9w8 blacklist thing, but that is spot on!! I love your perspective on the Enneagram and have waited so long to hear someone truly differentiate 9w8 and 9w1. You did it. Good job!

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@xdproductions3087]

I think this is why I don’t get involved in talking about politics. Tendency to compromise and forget my own beliefs and values.

[@claudiarivas8492]

I got to this video because I've noticed traits in me of both of the wings as a 9. Not only did I confirm that I've got traits of both wings, but the video also made me aware of other traits. The "blacklisting", the appreciation for the simple things, the feeling of fusion to nature, the routines consisting of unimportant tasks, the hating when someone tries to fit into my schedule something I didn't plan for, the dreaming and the mentality of things must be done or happen in a certain way, and SO MANY OTHERS 😂 I'm sure I've got both wings now, and I know there are things I need to work on. When you asked all the "what are you avoiding, putting off, not want to deal with? "questions, I immediately knew what the answers were for me, because these things I'm avoiding, I know they are important steps in working towards my dreams, towards what fills me with joy when just thinking these scenarios will be my reality. But they won't until I do what's necessary. Are there books you can recommend to know more about the enneatypes with their wings? Also, about the subtypes? Thank you for this video and all your videos that help people shed light on what they are ignoring about themselves, so they can grow and live more fulfilled. Thanks, Tom!

[@druizsr]

I too can relate with both wings.

[@ShaqleeToine10.02]

Yeah I just took my test and seems like I fall between both wing 8 and 1...thank you for this... Now though I seem to be more confrontational now...have started standing up for myself now ... The family I grew up basically allowed me to do me...I am also the middle kid..first born to my dad and second born to my mom....So I get why I may have the two wings...

[@thedarkhairedone7672]

Wow, I’ve never heard such a spot-on description of what I do to people who’ve pushed me too far… BLACKLIST them. They may never even know it. But I no longer have my heart or mind open to them in even the tiniest of ways. You Nailed it!!

[@giannasacci7038]

I’ve never related more to a video in my life. I’m a 9w8 and always realized these things about myself but it’s definitely different when actually sitting down and hearing it from someone else.

[@lamelli]

Thanks for this video, it's hard to find such an accurate description of the two wings, actually I knew I was a 9 but had no idea about the powerful influence of the wings until I watched this. I think I am more a 9w1 but regarding the blacklisting stuff we also do it. Seeing your reaction when you noticed the detail about the man with no name has made me feel understood and I think we 9s need this kind of noticing from others, like, "hey, i know exactly how you feel and that breaks my heart, you need to wake up and do something!" That summarizes everything. Thank you so much!

[@twlahue]

Thanks for your kind words.

[@lamelli]

@@twlahue Could you recommend a good book about the enneagram type 9?

[@helenarosno]

the more i learn about 9s, the more things start to make sense. particularly, asserting control over calories and weight (seizing physical control over my own body) because internal/external things feel out of control. this is so eye opening omg

[@twlahue]

Awesome

[@tarawhitneysims]

You make the best enneagram videos! Thank you! -2 here 👋🏼💕

[@twlahue]

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I really appreciate it.

[@annerohr815]

So much of what you said resonated with me. The nine speaking style especially. So many people in group conversations will point out that I haven’t said anything and that’s usually because what I have to say includes so much detail and I don’t want to interrupt, be interrupted, or bore people-but even explaining that to people seems like a lot. After watching this I think I was a 9w1 as a child, and at some point in my young adult life became a 9w8. Thank you for sharing!

[@eringeoffrion9159]

I absolutely black-list some people: drama-queens/kings, chronic complainers and malcontents, and generally noisy people. I’ll avoid socializing with them or give them very short shrift when I have to interact with them (which I’m sure makes me appear cold and bitchy-which further crushes my 9 heart, which makes me want to avoid them all the more so I don’t end up in that scenario). Never connected the fact that they’re all peace-disturbers. Also never realized how much of a Harry Potter I am. Great analogy! I now have yet another reason to love that series. (Wonder if J.K. Rowling is a 9 too)

[@twlahue]

Most likely.

[@rayray1360]

I "woke up" to the fact I suppressed myself in order to get along with everyone. Since then I've noticed myself expressing my anger and annoyance more but it makes me harder to live with so I try to scale it back. And then repeat.

[@andrearn9]

As a 9w8, when you said they don’t have a name, my first thought was “I don’t need a name”. I felt your emotion about that, your regret or distress, but my true feeling was that the emotion was unnecessary. I don’t need a name. I don’t need to thrust myself on the world or make a name for myself. What I need is harmony.

[@journeyjulie3973]

Woah.... I’m a 9, and when I was in 2nd grade I heard a group of girls talking about me behind me back and criticizing me for something I wanted...so I made a conscious decision not to talk anymore. No one could be upset if I didn’t talk. So I literally did not talk in school for three years (and had no friends at school- but I did have neighborhood friends that I talked to). I only spoke to answer a teacher’s question. I totally let those girls squash me. You just explained why that happened!

[@mommyslilstinker]

this is so, painfully, wonderfully accurate. thank you so much

[@LilMissAwsumSox13]

This is super helpful and answered lots of questions for me. I've been on a process of learning how to "wake up"/"stay awake" for over a year now while learning about the enneagram (9w1). Thanks for caring and also asking hard questions

[@LilMissAwsumSox13]

also the part about story telling!! LOL makes so much sense. I'm actually working on telling my stories with less details

[@agq7153]

Anyone else continue to get into personal development and only get so far bc the foundation for change is literally self-awareness i.e. your memories, beliefs, and feelings 🙃

[@LoriCall1]

I really like you!! You make me feel like maybe I have some value. I get stuck in past trauma and think maybe I'm not worthy of things. I get really frustrated with myself and find it so much easier to be happy when I just don't think about that. I don't think anyone can understand that - but you seem to. Thank you for being so transparent.

[@noahdeal9372]

I'm a 9 w 1 and yeah this hit right on the money man, I appreciate what you've done here. thank you

[@eleonore-8969]

The black list point is very accurate and actually an important aspect. When people disturb my peace and pull me out of balance (and specially when I feel that they don't care that they harm me with it)...oh man, it can get to the point that all I want is that they dissappear out of my life. To be honnest it can create rather extreme thoughts and feelings, like hoping they move far away or even die (but peacefully and painlessly). For example: when I have loud annoying selfish people living around me, I'd honnestly prefere them to not exist rather than having to live/deal with the discomfort. Just to clarify and not look like a psychopath: Those thoughts and feelings are in the heat of discomfort and inner stress. I would never ever act on them. But just to explain how important peace and rest are for a 9. When people willingly and consciously take those away from me, I feel like they are my enemy even if I don't show it. And yes all this while I'm an extrem soft hearted, highly empathic sensitive person. I think type 9 might be the type with lots of surprising layers underneath. We appear calm from the outside but inside we are not. In fact we crave inner peace this much bécause we struggle to find it!

[@tonybower1719]

9W1 here! When telling me a story, expect 1000 questions as I try to piece together a full picture in my mind of what you’re telling me. When I tell you a story, get comfortable because I’m going to relay every minute detail - and hate myself for doing so as I watch your eyes roll into the back of your head and your attention wander! But I have no power of it so I will continue through all the tangents and will not rest until I’ve told my entire tail!

[@MrFireman164]

Just woke up to this fact a few weeks ago 😯

[@ackamack101]

7:52 The description of the 1s anger here is so true! The 1s I have known are exactly like you described when it comes to their anger. So funny.

[@lonelyplanet_to]

I'm a 9w8, can confirm, the blacklist is very real

[@sandygant3374]

Wow. I am also a 9 and the whole “Clint Eastwood - the man with no name” got me. This resonates so much with me. It is so easy and comfortable for me to just blend in and forget.... like really FORGET what I want to do with my life. So yes... this is right on the nose. Great insight! I definitely had the “aha!” moment! Thank you!!!

[@Kikokrazyy]

I have studied SO much, forever a student, but I have never felt so seen as I have in this video. How wonderful you are for spreading this information and helping so many people. 💗 I’ve had this wanting to understand myself through western and vedic astrology, mbti, numerology, and so many other things I won’t list all them here. Enneagrams have been the best in terms of helping me step into myself. I can never tell if my anger is warranted or not. What is even harder is how I should act upon that anger. I cant tell if I’m overreacting or if I need to assert myself. That’s the part of myself I’m trying to navigate. I feel this video helped a lot though. Thank you again, truly.

[@unoreverse3409]

Thank you so much for your channel. Your videos have genuinely helped me so much, they make me feel like my thoughts and opinions actually matter. You have helped me wake up to myself and realise what I've been doing and I can't thank you enough for that. May God bless you

[@drowningblonde]

9s are the most frustrating for me to deal with. I work with a nine, she shrugs off all her wants and needs as being bothersome and unimportant. Id honestly hate to know what she went through as a child to be pushed aside and made to feel that way.

[@fox-fluffl9002]

For me at least, it was being bullied and taken advantage of at a very young age and being felt invalidated by my parent - despite that not being their intention. I learned that my feelings didn't matter, and showing them usually caused them to be used against me. So I stopped showing myself and went along with what everyone else wanted to both protect myself and avoid giving people ammo to attack me. I put on a mask. Said I didn't care and left all decisions to other people where my main response to a question of what I think is "I don't really have a preference", "I don't think there's anything I want", or some combination of different dismissing comments that leave decisions to other people. I'm a 9w8. I ignored these people, and they've forever lost my trust and validation as a human being, until they forgot I exist and became the math person to ask for help. Nothing else. I'm afraid to tell people when I need help because I don't want to be a bother. I don't go out and do things because I don't want to inconvenience the people around me. Hope this might've helped...

[@drowningblonde]

That makes me sad. I just want to give all you 9s a big hug.

[@courteneyskye5690]

For me it wasn’t anything really serious. My younger siblings fought all the time when we were kids and it was really stressful for me. I basically tried to be the opposite of that as much as possible because I didn’t want to cause more problems for my parents. So it wasn’t anything traumatic, just family dynamic stuff

[@Giancarlo_1997]

Fox-Fluff L I’m LITERALLY THE SAME, I was bullied 1st-12 Grade some people don’t believe but I’m being completely honest school was a prison where all you got was Bullied 8am-2:30pm every day and at home verbal abuse also so I learned those behaviors to but it’s possible to get out of it and be better but forreal forreal I understand and grew up same. I’m currently now 22

[@kristinmatthews8958]

I was the youngest of five kids. So I think I just learned to go with the flow and be agreeable with what everyone else wanted. My older siblings also had behavior and drug issues which caused conflict in my family and I took it upon myself to keep the peace and be the easy child, be invisible. I've successfully grown into a 9w8 with the pushing of my 1w8 husband.

[@2007jlopez]

36:50 I feel seen!!! My sister always says, "It takes you forever to say nothing" 🤣

[@susannahmcalwey8814]

Would LOVE you to do the differences between 9w1 and 1w9 - so one else has done this and they seem so similar!

[@SchmausiMausi]

I´m a 9w8 who LOVES order and a well organized comfy home that´s pleasing to the eye.

[@Tousicle]

Loving all your videos about the 9, I definitely am such a goofball and love and happiness that I even dumb-down or water-down that personality to get along with others who may not be able to handle it or come along for the ride because maybe THEY aren't in the mood, so I am fitting into their mood rather than lifting them to mine by naturally being myself. I mean I can talk endlessly on all your videos and what not, this is all so eerily relatable. Thank you

[@katehampstead6024]

"What are you avoiding right now?" Great question, thanks for asking. I'll think about it and get back to you soon about that. LOL

[@cbhamilton1271]

This is amazing, the many ways I am, but could never put words too! Thank you Dr. LaHue. And, yes, I do that blacklist in my mind, but smile on the outside.

[@floravitiello3978]

I've watched this video about two years ago. At the time I hadn't really gotten myself into the enneagram, and thought I was a type 5. Watching your videos made me realize I really was a 9. I see myself in both wings though. Your advice on boundaries and being present to life has really helped, and I see now I am much more assertive than I ever was before... I still wish I could find some time to be a dreamer now though. Which I will. Thank you for all your help.

[@craigwhite7937]

Thank you for this video. You nailed it. Very helpful, I'll be watching more and sharing your channel with others.

[@SsroseL]

These videos have been so eye-opening for me. I finally let out some anger last night and I feel so much better today 😁 Thanks for sharing your knowledge with us 🙏🏼

[@john-paulbitler3657]

9w8 here, this is very well put-together. Every single point you made except for routine suits me perfectly. The man with no name really stood out to me, I am totally that guy. Amazing job!

[@loref4200]

I woke up last year, and it was the most disorienting and disheartening moment of my life. I spent 30+ years asleep. The latent anger that came from that experience was palpable, surreal, and overwhelming. The thing that I realized was how comfortable others were in me remaining quiet, deadening my voice, and wanting me to continue wearing masks for their benefit. When you see that others are willing to do this, and that when you wake up they get angry at you or guilt you, it's like the worst nightmare imaginable. One has to do violence to themselves, and their life when this happens; risking fragmentation and severing of comfort and familiarity of connections. I leaned on my 8 wing, and have developed it; in doing this, I have elucidated everything (even my own contributions to the façade). The sad thing is, you don't even realize you're in a 'quiet-spiral' after so long, and when you awaken to it there is a sick feeling of being jealous for time lost, for time spent as a shell of a human being. I still experience people speaking over me daily, but now, I distance myself from those who take more than they give. I've built my boundaries with a gate, and only allow those who are worthy to enter. I've learned to use my voice to advocate for those without a voice, and it's the best gift that I can give myself as a salve to heal those wounds. If you are a 9, I encourage you to seriously look at your life, and think about all of the ways that you quiet yourself. Challenge those in your life who are okay with you being silenced. Challenge yourself to speak up and go against the impulse to be quiet to keep the peace. Offer others the opportunity to know what is on your heart, and in your mind to cultivate true harmony and connections. Speak up, for your voice matters.

[@HeyHeyCaseyRae]

I'm glad I found your channel. You have the best grasp of my type (9w8) out of any other channel I've seen. I've been researching the enneagram now for about 4 years or so and your video gave me quite a few epiphanies. The watered down thing SHOOK me, also the fact that we don't get passionate about the important things so the unimportant things like food and comforts become the most important thing...that is so so true for me. It is a running joke that I dont get excited about anything but food. 🤦‍♀️ Do you happen to do marriage coaching? I'd love to hear your insights on how to help me and my 5w4 husband communicate and not be so withdrawn.

[@twlahue]

Yes, I do marriage coaching as well. www.tomlahue.com Just let me know if I can help!

[@nicolelynnbledsoe1140]

9w8 will DEFINITELY blacklist, my whole family is on it and has been 20 + years

[@twlahue]

Well...sorry to hear that. But at least you understand this about yourself.

[@agustinhurtado9433]

Thanx Tom, excellent video. You helped me a lot (i found out about enneagram yesterday... it´s 3:30 am and I keep listening you, I start knowing my self). Cheers from Patagonia - Argentina

[@KJAlways]

Man with no name...problem solver!!! Did the right thing to make the world a better place for everyone! A hero! Appropriate for that culture!

[@shynn5827]

Yes we most definitely blacklist! Done is done! I m a 9w1... i wish i could give this 1 000 000 thumbs up! Everything is so true!

[@CrystalAlifanow]

I had never heard of Enneagram until last year. I started having panic attacks. After therapy and learning about Enneagram I have tested twice and my dominant result has been 9 both times. My secondary is 4. Words that really stood out to me in this video: resentful (for sure when I'm pressed to do something I don't want to do - I do it but then I feel resentful and angry about it), agenda (for sure I need routine and predictability at work. I need time to process change and deadlines create extreme stress for me). A lot of these can be explained by my childhood I feel. But now due to my panic attacks, I've come to realize these things and begin working on recognizinging my own feelings and acknowledging them.

[@LeSurrealDream]

Thank you so much for making these videos! So insightful and helpful 💜

[@duanem2083]

I'm pretty sure I am a 9W1. I'm middle aged and thru life I've always had this gnawing feeling I'm missing out on something, like I'm not quite understanding/getting it...trying to find that "thing" that's going to bring fulfillment and to be known. Also getting super honed in on hobbies and activities to zone out..Thanks for video, it has good things to think about and reflect.

[@VajraHeartNorthStar]

This is wonderful information and so helpful! I’m a 9w1 although I can express 9w8 if I perceive/witness injustice. Thank you for your good work!! 🙏