Enneagram: In Relationship With Type 4

[@sonyagirodon9510]

Hey, 4s! You are great! We need your weirdness, your passion, your intensity. We need you to take things personally, we need your ups and downs. How boring would life be if we'd all be sweetly fitting into the mold and be superficially happy? This is not Pollyanna Land! Not invited to a party? Hooray! You didn't want to go there in the first place! Make the most of your alone time instead of sulking. Not being able to connect to superficial people? No problem! Go read some really deep philosophy books out of which you will get the connection you crave for. Turn your odd personality into an advantage instead of into a burden. Be weird, be real, be exactly as you are, because this world needs more real people. If you hide your specialness, all other 4s out there will remain in their shadow. If we unite instead and all come into the light, this world will be more balanced. Being a 4 is not a sickness, nor a dilemma. It is a gift. Don't hide it! Don't dimm your crazyness to keep others comfortable.

[@alineonthewall]

😭 thank you

[@jasminehuddy1547]

This made me feel so comforted ❤😭

[@peaceglory5973]

Beautifully encouraging like a hug 🤗❤🤗. I feel like Edward Scissorhands with my 4-ness.

[@madridboo5928]

I just found out I am a Four and as I adjust to this, I kept finding myself returning to the phrase: "This feels like a death sentence." Thank you for your comfort and encouragement, you are amazing.

[@andreav318]

Love ❤️ you!

[@LS-qu7yc]

As a 4 I know the girl in the store doesn’t care what anyone thinks about how she looks. She’s attracting people who are open minded enough to be cool with how she looks. It’s a filter and defense mechanism against the mundane

[@VikaValeska]

Exactly

[@paulam5864]

As a 4 I look at someone like that and think - “Artist, interesting how they are expressing themself “ I may even pay them a compliment on something that i thin is cool about their appearance.”

[@gnevs88]

Thank you. A wonderful reframe.

[@ShayleeOfficial]

Exactly

[@fendywitch5990]

Yes, thank you! I came here to comment on that too. Ever since I started dressing in a way that makes me feel like myself (I have lots of tattoos, wear a lot of jewelry, dress "alternative") people have accused me of seeking attention when honestly I hate being stared at and prefer to be around other people who express themselves visually or just don't care/judge. Also he didn't even stop to think that maybe the phenomenon of people looking away is exactly what she wanted.

[@holyspark5438]

Hahaha as a 4w5 there IS richness & meaning in walking the dog, karaoke, eating pizza & turning into a pumpkin... others may not see it this way, or even want to & that’s ok, everyone has their own unique purpose. Age & maturing has given my life as a 4 a sense of ease. Thank you Dr Tom for the work you do & the support you offer in helping people find acceptance & understanding xxx

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

Yes it is. The simple things in life, show us the true beauty of it all. The grandness beyond our little body-mind-surface-level-shitE, that too many still have yet to "spiritually awaken", to see, and part take in this whole.. masterpiece of creation, and beyond :)

[@keviouk]

Haha I thought the same, this metaphore wasn't actually the best choice, even though I got what he meant by that. 4w5's really enjoy simple things of life, especially when it comes from nature, unconditional love from your dog, enjoying a pizza or a good comedy.

[@mommacat75]

I agree! Im a 4 wing 5 approaching 50 and I adore the beauty and appreciation in what is organic and sometimes seen as mundane to others like cooking, spending time with animals and nature, and gardening. The trendy activities that come and go that I watch people follow is what makes me cringe. My 7 people seem to love those type of things. 😂

[@elisa4620]

This 9 relates to the beauty in the "little", simple mundane aspects of life :)

[@laurennaomi_]

Keep it real 4's...we've all been waiting for this :D

[@TheImmaterialGarden]

💯😆

[@crowmedicine3890]

Yes. Now to get everyone else to understand...

[@southernsoul152]

Gonna sound silly but your comment really helped 🙏🏽💗 made my shoulders drop and settle in for an emotional beating 🤣 God bless, darlin’

[@alisonschmitt9533]

YESSSS! I love hearing about myself! 🤣❤️🤟🏼

[@clairedifilippo6522]

As a 4 we are not always sad, that's a silly statement. we just love empathy when needed.

[@colesisler582]

This. To attach a tendency to be unhappy or even depressed to certain types more than others is ridiculous.

[@candacefredericksArt]

I love the quote, "to fix the four is to 'diminish' the four." That makes so much sense to me. I hate it when people try to "fix" my feelings. I also so resonate with the description of sadness that comes with being around other "average" people. Their happiness, almost always reminds me of my inner fragmentation, and disconnection and provokes sadness in me. I related with a lot in this video. Some of it made me laugh.. Some of it is really difficult to hear.

[@jubileekitsune]

The girl in the store could likely be a counter-phobic 6. Although, 4s can enjoy a quality goth moment, it’s incorrect to assume anyone standing out of the normal is a 4. 4s prefer to be subtly different, and see who will notice and appreciate their (4s) own special flair.

[@MsJRose11]

Yea sexual 4s tend to be more intense and lots of gothy peeps I know are sexual 4s. I am a SP/SX I go from tie dye clothes to goth depends on my mood my hair has bern every color it’s purely for myself it makes me happy. It’s not a defense or a call for attention literally has zero to do with other people

[@christinel4569]

Yes exactly @Jubilee I'm a 4w5 and agree with subtly different not outlandish

[@madameproblemes6548]

I'm a 4w5 and my partner is also a 4w5! I recommend this pairing 👌🏻 It is perfect 🥰 We get each other on such a deep level, it's easy to deal with each other and we expect the same things out of relationships, bringing it to each other. I rescue him and spoil him when he needs it and he rescues me when it's my turn. We brainstorm, always making plans to escape some societal expectations that we simply can't fulfill. We laugh constantly and he is never boring. Also we both have a unique style of clothing cause it's a way of expression for us, like an art, the art of choosing what reflects the best who we are.

[@iamtruthseeker444]

I love it! I'm a 4w5 also. I'll keep this in mind for my next relationship because the one I'm in now is not it!!! Hahaha. Very happy for you and your successful love story😊💙

[@momentmal5248]

Awwww….this gave me hope. I kept choosing 8s and 1s unconsciously in the past, without understanding why. I’ll be very cautious in the future.

[@StevenClarkeRealEstate]

As a 4...listening to you describe how "normal" people want a relationship ("let's not talk about feelings, let's watch tv, let's just eat pizza") literally made me want to DIE ALONE haha. I'm kidding, this was great ! Thanks for the content!

[@tylerharris7469]

lol 4s aren't sad all the time. Were just intense and can go through the full spectrum of feeling in a day. people don't need to fix us they just need to understand us. Happy I'm dating a 5

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

INSECURE ATTACHMENT to parents and relationships describes the 4! - Anxious-preoccupied when 4’s criticize their partner and self-sabotage the relationship. - Avoidant when 4’s reject others before they get rejected themselves. - Fearful avoidant (a mix of anxious and avoidant) when 4’s can’t be too close or too distant!

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

Yeah, it can be self-sabotage 😞

[@makeitlight]

This is so sad. My wife is a four. For the past 15 years, I have been trying to work on myself, read relationship books, study the Enneagram etc. but, listening to this video makes it feel a little hopeless. She gets bothered with me almost every day and then says things like she hates our relationship and many other things that could be taken to be very hurtful. And yet, she takes next to no responsibility. I am an eight. It is incredibly easy for me to not be about this wishy washy stuff. But I keep trying.I’m watching this video now simply because I’m trying to figure out how to relate to her. Meanwhile, she is mad again sulking because in her world if I don’t have the same opinion as her it means I am putting her down.

[@karissahammond4587]

@@makeitlight Maybe this is something to take to relationship counciling. It can't all be on you.

[@commonsenseneedtobepractic1861]

Wow true for me I be happy I be rejected so I don't have to be vulnerable but then other party misinterpreted the 4s

[@Shayne_T]

@@makeitlight A healthy four can be in a healthy relationship. I'm a 4 and have been with my husband for 10 years.. I am not sulking and uspet when he doesn't agree with me, I don't think that's an enneagram thing, it might be something else. It's not normal for someone to be upset with you everyday. I'm sorry that's going on in your relationship..

[@jockiiunpingco6838]

I'm crying. being a 4 is really hard for me. definitely in the basement right now and having a hard time feeling understood.

[@crab_dude]

christ this video is just making me realize how difficult i can be 😭

[@karissahammond4587]

*cyber hugs* I feel you

[@cherilueck]

The world needs 4s!!! The conflict is necessary. I think the real battle is to accept the way we are and keep pressing in... but still remain respectful and loving. At least that’s my battle. You are not difficult!!!

[@peaceglory5973]

Gosh .. right???? Ughhhhh ..... The point about finding fault in a relationship & ending it because we're suddenly over it, that hit me. But .. I feel like those were real deal breakers for me. I feel defeated. 😞

[@peaceglory5973]

@Victoria Beha Beautifully said. Perhaps feeling defeated means it's time to rest our weary mind & climb that pine tree instead. Or at least sit next to it with your back pressed against it. That's real therapy too. 😊

[@candacefredericksArt]

Same here! ...I was just thinking earlier tonight how hard it is for others to be in a relationship with me.. 😏😒

[@asaraset9568]

Hey there. I've fallen in love with the enneagram, it has helped me immensely. However, I find it may be helpful for you to find some healthy 4s, bc your lectures seem skewed towards the extremely unhealthy 4s. We're a truly loving lot, and when we're healthy, we rock relationships, emotions and are the most demanding of ourselves in the pursuit of growth and mental health. I don't know one 4 who would be so emotionally devoid of empathy to do what you're saying is the hyper-envy state, to knock someone down for their own gratification. That sounds more like an unhealthy social 3. You know the 2s well, but think you may want to spend a bit more effort understanding 4s.

[@stephaniechan7457]

@asaraset9568 -Nailed it!! As a healthy four, this presentation seemed very skewed towards unhealthy fours, as well as incorrect interpretations of behaviors that a four may or may not do. I'd encourage him to hang out with more healthy fours to get a clearer understanding. :)

[@Elethia441]

As a self-preservation-sexual 4 it makes me so sad and mad that this emo version of 4s is presented as the typical 4. As far as subtypes are concerned, the self preservation AND the sexual are nothing like this. Only the social lives with that level of depression and angst, with a completely external locus of control - hence their rescuer fantasy. we're all already dealing with our respectives shames, and I feel an added level of judgement and misunderstanding if any of my friends were to get such a skewed impression about me.. You know what I mean? I think people tend to project their discomfort with sadness and overdramatize us as some lost depressed souls. I have never been depressed in my life except a temporary bout from marriage breakdown because of a narcissistic type 1 spouse, and in which I did not wallow more than necessary. I dress casual-classy and a lot of thought goes into harmonizing body proportions and color combinations for skin tones, occasion appropriate.. I rarely ever express or talk about my own sadness. I am calm and rational (or at least with above average IQ, so even more efficient at decisionmaking and problem solving than many 5) I'm am also very enthusiastic and responsive in normal conversations.. but then people feel safe and seen and get the urge to tap into and express their sadness maybe for the very first time ("I never told this to anyone. I don't even know why I am telling you this" happens SO often), we are fully present and delicate with it, but it still scares people to see themselves reflected back in our eyes. So we get blamed for people's suppressed and projected misery, because that's the role they assign to us - we're their personal dumpster of ugly garbage to dump into us and then be repulsed. 🙄😒

[@mateamesarek6573]

Omg, with people opening up to 4s often the first time ever is so true! Happened so many times and so often people start saying things like "this is so special and unique" and for them it is, but l'm often thinking and feeling, yeah, but kinda typical at this point for me, so not that special and unique after all... I'm a 4w5.

[@Elethia441]

@@mateamesarek6573 LOL. Exactly. Beside, they don't realize this, but for us things could never get special & unique enough. But it does feel great sometimes to have that intense zesty connection with people. I like to see it in their faces, that they finally get a taste of the intensity that's possible. Hey check out Drew Newkirk, and go to the vid Eneagram type 4 / Confidence and your personal sexy. You'll love it. 😊

[@abrooks8018]

This.

[@Faeriefungus]

Honestly profound!!!! I just got out of a 4 year long relationship with a 1. Torn my soul apart. This comment really really helps me tremendously. Appreciate you so much!

[@PHOENIX-ux3gw]

Preach my fellow 4!!!

[@Goose_3001]

I'm a 4.. .so relate to this. Everything feels so complex and deep, sometimes exhaustingly so! When my partner is not like this too, I associate it with a bad match and I feel misunderstood. This has led me to sabotage many healthy relationships because I felt I couldn't connect at a deep enough level. I'm learning (the hard way) that this kind of depth is not something I can necessarily expect from a partner. Like you said, not everyone contemplates life's mysteries and the inner workings of their mind and emotions all the time! I've often associated dysfunction with depth and connection in relationships. Taking a lot of work and reflection to unpick this pattern.

[@Sui288]

I am 4w5 - infp. I am always thinking but not necessarily about depressing stuffs all the time. I contemplate a lot about life, why we do what we do, why we say what we say. Human behaviors intrigue me deeply. May be that is why I can understand, be empathetic and accepting to others. People tend to unload their ugly dark sides to me a lot. They feel light after opening up to me, but I feel heavy-weighted. It is like I absorb all their burdens and added to mine which in turn makes me depressed as the time goes. I need to set myself a healthy boundary. It is true that I feel lack of love and acceptance since young and hence I yearn for those. But it doesn’t mean I want to stand out. I want to be unique in my own way, it may be through a form of art, poetry, achievements, etc… I also have multiple personalities which I switch depending on people and environment. But I want to be true to myself around my partner. Someone who would accept me for who I am. I think I am lucky in that area. My partner is ISTP which is well known for being true to themself. He also encourages me to be me and never judge my weirdness. People also find him as an odd one out but he doesn’t care about other opinions and keep being true to himself. I am currently learning to be like him. He cannot fully understand me on emotional levels but try to be there with me in my struggles. Though our relationship is imperfect, I think it will be okay if we can find the right healthy balance to work it through.

[@alexisrhodes8381]

I felt this in my soul! I’m a 4w5 infp, Pisces moon also.

[@jasminenixon9979]

So relatable

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

I love all the profile pics in the comment section: sea nymphs, flowers, people standing in gardens, majestic creatures

[@Bengalmomz]

Aha!!!

[@ave2086]

I don’t see what you mean 😄

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

@@ave2086 oh, I saw several profile pics in the comment section that seem significantly more extravagant and creative, containing mythical creatures and animals dressed in human clothes, and when compared to the comment sections of other videos, these types of images seem more prevalent in videos discussing the enneagram four type. I'm not saying that every pic in this comment section is as described above, but that there are more profile pics displaying images that appear to be from another world or representing ideas associated with type fours. I guess what I'm trying to say is that enneagram type fours have a greater affinity to nebulous ideas and the subconscious, which is comedically displayed by the profile pictures in the comment sections of KZbin videos about type fours. The reason why it's funny is because the gathering of profiles that display these images is unintentional, suggesting that fours unconsciously behave like fours as their profile pics reveal their interests. Ave: "I....I still don't understand. Can you be more specific?" Me: 😵🤯

[@ave2086]

​@@RandolphTheWhite1 Oh Randel, I'm sorry you misunderstood my take my comment was actually me feeling exposed, pretending I didn't get your point I laughed really hard because somehow I felt obligated to put a picture of a shooting I made months ago as my youtube pic days ago (It must've been an order given by a high spiritual 4 authority. It couldn't be me trying to express myself in every way shape place or form. Really it couldn't.) Anyway, jokes aside, thanks for taking the time to answer ;) it was really cute

[@m.s9146]

Sorry, I don’t have an inner sense of shame. I love beauty for its own sake and don’t judge others who don’t value it. I’ve had 15 years of therapy, think I know myself.I have always been refined, cultured, artistic, no one suggested it. The lower end of 4 may not celebrate happiness but the evolved 4 is beyond that. Also the evolved 4 has learned to be consistent in their relationships. You are describing an immature 4 who has not learned to use their creativity to enrich the lives of others.

[@giuliapasanisidefoscarini]

yeah! the thing about the enneagram is that it’s the most helpful when you talk about the worst/unhealthiest aspects of the types. ultimately, the healthy version of each is more similar than not :)

[@nalfeaz]

I would just add one thing : maybe you're feeling what a four feels, but please do question other people behaviour, especially when it does repeteadly sound "off" for some reason. Being a four doesn't mean you always are the weird and maladapted one. Especially in abusive relationships. A gaslighter will use this against you. Own your quirkiness, yes, but please stand also your ground.

[@meganmartini15]

Perfect 🔥

[@elizabethhenderson5110]

Not all 4’s are identified as “goth”. Being unique and different displays in many different ways not only outward appearance. It could mean being distinguishing about their talents, academic acumen, social actions. We 4’s outwardly aren’t all stand outs.

[@juniorgonzalez3900]

Agreed. I'm a 4 and I dress like a well groomed man with style and suits! When I heard goth I was like "gross" I'm more of a James Bond with a 4 mindset.....

[@MithraSemiramis]

very accurate. I'm a 5w4 sx/so countertype. I've always had a preoccupation with a soulmate type relationship, I do want to be saved 😆 and I do want to be loved for my flaws as well. when I feel bad, I need the environment to be validating and caring, not judging and rushing to fix. wow, you're so right about facing emotional problem or "shadow" issues. I pride myself in being someone that people can say anything to without a fearful reaction. it hurts me when people reject emotional honesty. the truth is there and I want to face it instead of pretending we aren't all human beings with problems. I hate shame so much and think it's incredibly destructive. I do have a pretty serious maternal bond wound.

[@hansy1305]

Doc, the kind of empathy and sincerity you embody is very helpful, especially when you say things that is hard to hear. Thank you

[@karissahammond4587]

"Bring garlic. Vampire! Dracula!" 😂😂😂

[@JerrTheHooman]

I'm a type 4 and my husband is a 7. I feel like his definition of fun is superficial and he thinks my fun is boring. 🤷‍♀️ I've just learned to do the shallow stuff that he enjoys are search for the profound things In others. I search for friendships with other deep philosophical people to fill the void

[@alexa-jb1gk]

Girl you only live once. Unless you love him and think you would have little regrets living out the rest of your life with him, find someone more compatible to you ! Or don’t lol. But you always have to remember, there’s only one life. Don’t spend it in situations and with people who will make you feel like your life isn’t fulfilling.

[@josephikeh2484]

Jerr, you're going about this the right way.

[@charlenemaeder8027]

I’m a 4, and I like 9’s. At least the one I know...he listens, is easygoing, caring, and reassuring. I appreciate that he doesn’t struggle with the level of depth of thoughts that I do, but he can compassionately listen, give me a hug, and then we’re back to lighthearted fun and creativity, where I like to be anyway. I think 9 brings a lot of needed simplicity and balance to 4’s. Also. On another note, my parents are both 1’s. I wonder if the sensitive to criticism may come in part from parent’s enneagrams, or if that is just a 4 trait regardless.

[@karissahammond4587]

My mom's a 9 and my dad's a 3. They're both not very critical people, but I still spend so much time fearing criticism. At least in my case, much of it is nature and not nurture--I'm a 4 feeling 4 things no matter if there is any real merit or reason for me to be doing that. How is it growing up with two 1s as parents?

[@MsJRose11]

My 9 is my fav human he keeps me grounded. My parents are both critical dad is a 1 mom is a 2

[@TurnLemons2Lemonade_]

@@karissahammond4587 it was really hard. Not a lot of encouragement or connection, physically or conversationally. They were busy accomplishing tasks at warp speed lol.

[@karissahammond4587]

@@TurnLemons2Lemonade_ I'm sorry

[@FlashBangBANGz]

My mother is a 6 and my father is an 8 and my brother is a 5 and they all would yell at me over little things and with my parents it was seemingly random and unpredictable. I didn't know if some casual thing I did on my part would just suddenly set my parents off.

[@CuddleClaw.]

Some of this made me cringe, some of it made me feel like I was going to cry, and some of it I felt proud that I’ve improved. You did a great job with this video. Thank you for all your hard work and thank you for trying to understand us. Oh gosh I’m still feeling like I’m going to cry lol.

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

[@FlorianEbeling]

I love watching Tom the 7, as a 7 myself 😂 I constantly see myself in him, the manners, the acting out 😂 All the uniqueness peels away, makes me half embarrassed, half joyful lol 🤣

[@AstraeaAntiope]

I like how you use humor in empathy with type fours, rather than mocking them for the comfort of other types (while still acknowledging how other types might respond to/feel about 4s.) There is an episode of the show 30 Rock where Liz Lemon tries to throw a party because she wants to be fun, and the party is kind of dreary and everyone wants to leave and go somewhere else so she is feeling bad about herself, but it turns out there are wild dogs or wolves or something in the hall for some reason. One of the "fun" types explains to Liz that she isn't the fun one, but they like and appreciate that she takes care of the "un-fun" stuff. That they actually need her for that. She ends up sacrificing herself to the dogs in the hall so her guests can get by safely. Obviously that is a very heightened, absurd example but when my husband saw it he was like, "That's you! You'd feed yourself to the dogs in the hall." Which is so awful we laughed, but I think of it as a good analogy for being a 4. Being willing to get down with the ugliness is needed, just as we need other types to invite us into things that aren't ugly (and maybe remind us of the good things from time to time.)

[@erikthebread6252]

I’m a 4w5: I just had to comment to tell you that I love this analogy so much! I can dive into the dark, macabre, and for what other people would be depressing and walk away from it with insights and conclusions that they most likely wouldn’t find anywhere else.

[@wcmarti25ify]

Just learned I was a 4a few days ago. From what I understand most don't get their number correct right off and I didn't want it to be true but here we are. That said I'd love to find that episode for more perspective and thank you for sharing!

[@AstraeaAntiope]

@@wcmarti25ify kzbin.info/www/bejne/bqfboqiml9CBg7Msi=l8GRL8tHxIQa4DrR I also like the movie Inside Out as media that shows the importance of our full range of feelings (not just the fun, happy ones!)

[@xdproductions3087]

5w4 sx/sp here married to a 4. Very accurate and helpful video. Sometimes I find it hard to give them the emotional connection and support they need. The aspect about wanting to be understood rather than to be helped is accurate. I’ve learned this myself over time, that they don’t always want to be “fixed” so much as heard and felt

[@deeanigonzalez9965]

5w4 sx/sp here. I know it's 2 years later, but how is the marriage going? My own 4 decided to get cold feet and abandon our relationship when it was going well, so I'm wondering what similar struggles you have faced.

[@jordannp1134]

Almost turned this off cuz a 7 in particular, is definitely biased towards NOT being deep. They’re the opposite... they want to constantly AVOID emotions... hence the issue with my current relationship. 🙄

[@zila626]

Have you guys worked through it? I'm a 4 with a 7 too

[@jennamartin5913]

I feel this! As a 4 AND a person with a disability I’m screaming please understand me!

[@madridboo5928]

Sending you love, peace and acceptance, Four Family.

[@shelleywinters6763]

A person who is put off by what I'm wearing is not a person I'm going to get on with. My clothes ARE ME. Also I would dress to provoke a response, if it's negative that would amuse me. Good I got a response. They make 4s sound rediculous, it makes me cringe to hear the interpretation of what they think the reasons for the behaviour is. No wonder noone gets a 4. It's right there.

[@shelleywinters6763]

@@me_lero I think I'm a 478 which explains my reaction to some of the things he reads out. I have different reasons for doing things than perhaps other 4s would

[@PuddleFart]

As for the story about the woman in the store: as a 4 myself, I think it's more about wanting to be able to express your own unique individuality, not about standing out. If you stand out by your style, so be it, but I do it to be "me". Oddly enough, I don't like attention, but I also like to be able to freely express my style.

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

I too dislike now public attention unless I'm presenting myself, but with the guy, It can be a dilemma whether to... Dress for me vs. Dress for me and the guy

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

@Brett Wheeler it’s interesting bc when I wear a costume of conventional femininity I can/may (hit or miss!) feel more sexually attractive and that contributes to our intimate life. It can be a fake persona or an authentic one, depending on my mood...

[@CuddleClaw.]

I dislike attention too, I really just want attention from my intimate partner. Or if I’m in class, I want my teacher to notice me and to like teaching me-specifically because I’m such a good student 🙄😊

[@dreaminks]

I agree!

[@cassandradarrough6082]

That’s exactly what I thought too.

[@kaitlincharmed87]

Something else about the black and white vs. colored tv analogy is that as a 4, sometimes I feel like even when i’m watching tv with everyone, they all see in color and I see in black and white. The color is the thing that’s missing from the screen but everyone else sees it naturally. I complain that something is wrong with how I see the movie but they don’t understand what it’s like to see in black and white. They argue that we are all watching the exact same movie, so how could I possible see in black and white? I give up, because how can you prove something that only exists from your own perceptions. They tell me to just enjoy the movie. I think what makes 4’s feel even further misunderstood is that you always have that one friend who turns to you and says “I know what you mean, the saturation is a little off in my opinion too”. And while the comment is nice, they have completely missed the point. What’s so wrong with me that i’m the only one who can’t see color? So I thank her, sit quietly, and I pretend to watch the movie.

[@kaitlincharmed87]

Or to explain it differently, I think 4’s sometimes search for things that they can’t physically get. Wanting things that they’re not even sure exist. To use the same idea, colored vs b&w. I think maybe 4’s are kinda like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz.. If all you’ve seen is black and white, you would never know color, therefore not long for it. Dorothy however experienced color. She knows what life COULD be like, yet now faces her reality that it will forever be black and white once she returned from Oz. Sure, she could try to explain to others what’s missing from her life but other people do not long for color like she does. I think the only difference between 4’s and Dorothy is that 4’s haven’t actually been to Oz, they aren’t even sure color really exists. But they still long for it. But Idk maybe this is just me haha

[@cornflakeization]

As a 4 I'm lucky to be married to a 1 who has been very steadfast toward me despite all the things I find missing in him.

[@TheThomasfive]

Me too! I need to be more grateful, lol.

[@lesnspired1]

Lol 😆 too cute

[@christinalemar8595]

Same I'm a 4 with a 5.

[@annamarinium9653]

Your comment about Belle! I’m a 4_w5 and the earliest I can remember feeling that way was at age 5-6 signing that song and believing there had to be something more and so much greater than just the little life I was living at my family’s farmhouse. I find myself living a somewhat more ordinary but yet extraordinary life, and while I do my best to be grateful for it. It’s hard to fight that internal longing of what’s missing that can never quite seem to go away. Curious if other 4s have found peace with that piece?

[@sarahcouture24]

Ohhhhh I definitely would not want to be kidnapped.... This totally describes me, I’m a 4, but I don’t like surprises.... I gotta mentally prepare for what we do, plus I want to be the one who decides what we do. remember, my preferences are special and I have better taste than you guys, so don’t be planning no kidnapping surprises for this 4! I will just end up feeling misunderstood when what you had planned for me doesn’t reflect my true preferences.

[@laurennaomi_]

This is way too relatable 🤦‍♀️😂well said

[@dijaouija]

YES THIS!

[@dianana7371]

YES THIS!!! If you want to surprise me, let it be something small and meaningful. I hate big surprises because I want to plan those big things together and get my say in it

[@Rose-oo9gn]

I hate it when people throw things together willy nilly I’m too picky for this shit!

[@chemilyn1737]

Facts

[@horseandogs]

Thank you so much for this. Never have I ever felt punched in the face so much by a youtube video (in a good way) and I finally feel understood in why I do the things I do. A lot of examples are of unhealthy 4s, and I definitely chuckle a little bit remembering when I had that constant cycle with every partner and felt envious of people in my friend groups because I felt rejected. I relate a lot with 1s now after a huge period of self growth, and I've been told this is more of a healthy four. I'm in a relationship with a 6 currently, and I really think this may be my life long partner. He fulfills that feeling of want and understanding, while also adding that intensity I crave, thus throwing me out of that vicious cycle of being attracted to how I imagined my partner to be and then coming to the realization the "ordinary" they actually are. I no longer crave to watch those intense romantic movies because I often feel like I'm in one (without all the drama and stress). Even so, I still feel melancholy quite often, and sometimes it feels like a guilty pleasure to sit down to some sad music and have time for deep thought and self reflect (or wallow lol) I also now understand why I struggle so much talking with my parents about my private life and mental health. When I came to them with information like that previously, I was always told I was just being sensitive as a kid or that my issues I was feeling weren't really issues. Or instead of understanding I was just harshly told how to fix them or just to brush them off, or sometimes they'd completely over react making me feel like a spectacle. This definitely propels that feeling of rejection and so I have such a hard time talking to them now. Don't get me wrong I have amazing sympathetic parents who raised me right in literally every other regard, but if I could change one thing about my relationship with them it would having an open line of communication.

[@deborah3709]

I know, right! me, too

[@mydisciplecoach]

Can you do a video on a mature and healthy 4? I'm interested in their ability to evolve.

[@desireegreen653]

Lol I love being a 4, but we are so extra. My husband is a 1w2, and he's so much drama too, but I'm always grateful, ok, almost always, because he has held my interest for 23 years and I think that's extraordinary. I ask why he didn't marry someone who acts more appropriate, and he said appropriate gets boring. Our thing we're learning now is how to work together on home projects. I'm a little scared of his gruff get it done focus, I want to la-di-da float around on a cloud while I work. Music, you know, atmosphere😂 he really makes me laugh at myself but laughing at himself is not a thing. So I try not to laugh, and try not to be afraid of him, and I'm, yeah... we're learning. God made us for each other, which I think is exactly how a 4 wants to feel❤️

[@staceyk2981]

So encouraging. I’m a four, and my fiancé is a one. I’ve been worried about this a bit. Thank you for what you wrote!!

[@OohlalaHolly]

Fashion is my sign language, I don’t do it for attention, it’s just communication that I can’t speak. I want ppl to know who I am right away! Lol

[@8888-9]

I get the impression that 4’s here are not well liked. And that 6’s and 7’s are. That is a bit biased I think.

[@heytigers3104]

He’s a 7. Doesn’t get that 4s aren’t fear based so can give 7 courage. He sees 4s as cringey depressives. It’s all negative spin so far and I’ve almost finished the vid. He’s very complimentary to his own type 😂😂😂

[@miriamjacobcohen2710]

Thank you for this video. It really is helping me understand myself better. I grew up in a family where emotions were suppressed. Mine were NEVER validated. There were family secrets that I could feel but were not revealed to the kids. Just went through an intense detox on a spiritual, emotional and physical level that helped me get rid of the many, many traumas that I went through over 56 years.

[@VikaValeska]

Much love to u

[@miriamjacobcohen2710]

Just spent 3 months on a psychiatric ward where all my needs were "taken care of " and with the help of an amazing psychologist I shared ❤️ all the traumas that I endured. At this point I am at peace. What a miracle.

[@VikaValeska]

@@miriamjacobcohen2710 so glad to Hear this! Me helped Therapy too a lot

[@genesisllanos8981]

“I married boring old Ned” 😂 I’ve been there for sure…I get so much from your videos and have a good time! Thank you!

[@kaitlincharmed87]

sometimes it scares me how accurate everything you say is. it’s almost like you take the thoughts right out of my head and say them back to me in a way makes more sense.

[@mrmeiii5666]

I know I’m a 9w1 but I always find myself relating to the 4. I love the passion and depth of the 4. (9s want to be seen too 😉) Thanks for the awesome videos!

[@appletree6898]

I feel like 9w1 and 4w5 are a very nice combination, similar vibe in some ways but complimentary.

[@mrmeiii5666]

@@appletree6898 yeah, I have a lot of 4s in my life and I find them to be some of my more interesting relationships. I think because conversations tend to go deeper or more out of the usual than the small talk I get from other types.

[@VikaValeska]

I'm a 4 and my best friend is a 9. I think 4s & 9s just have it haha.

[@aylynnryanalexi]

I married a 9. You guys are amazing.

[@dragonof10jc63]

I wonder how extrovert 4's are when it comes to the "notice me" idea. I know that I, as an extreme introvert 4(w5) love feeling different,-not better than- but not go with the flo, so to speak. But I don't neccesarily want attention when I feel the need to express my outward appearance. In fact, I use to feel very embarrassed and would be a fly on the wall and dress quietly. As I have gotten older, I am caring less of what people may think and allowing myself to be more expressive. It is nice. 💕 Thank you so much for these videos, they have been so healing for me. I use to feel like such a terrible, awful person. Knowing there are others like me out there, I feel love.

[@RebeccaLStamm]

I am dressed in all black listening to this intently, and doing dark makeup (getting ready to record a concert, in truth), and I just heard 28:33 and started laughing so hard🤣. This is just all delicious, melancholic truth right here😂. (4 speaking)

[@christinalemar8595]

I'm a 4 in all black too. But not goth and not distasteful

[@AntoineLavoisier]

I could see Belle as a 4W5. I suppose she would be envious of the people in the books, she wants to live a more fulfilling life.

[@tosha9926]

Wow. This was very enlightening. I am married to a 4 and my experiences with him has been mentioned in this video. It’s been extremely eye opening. As a lover of the enneagram, I am fascinated to learn more about myself (a sx/so 2w3) and those closest to me. Your videos are great in helping to break all of that down. Thank you for your work!

[@lizadean8794]

“Fours are withdrawn” Also “They are attention seeking”. I think there is a fundamental misunderstanding here: Fours have received negative attention most of their lives: many of us have been traumatized to the point where we dress down or try to blend in in public settings because of it. Some of us have arc’d out enough to truly disregard what others think of us enough to where we can go in public without giving two about blending in or making other people uncomfortable. Public humiliation a ridicule have, for many of us, been some of the deepest and most uncomfortable experiences of our lives that either 1. BROKE us of our individuality for the sake of feeling safe, 2. Or made us impervious to the need to soften ourselves for the approval of others

[@robhalfordblog]

I'm a hardcore 4 and I am currently dealing with an unrequited love for someone who told me that we could share true love and have a beautiful relationship, but basically I was too intense and powerful an he couldn't deal with that. He said my energy was too intense and pressuring and that the relationship would be intense in a positive way but also intense in a negative way. He also has extreme avoidant attachment and I have anxious attachment. So this was pretty much soul destroying as he said essentially we are soulmates but he won't be with me because he's afraid it wouldn't work out. it couldn't be any worse for me as a 4 being told all that. i also have never been loved in return as all my previous loves were unrequited, so he was the first person i thought might actually be with me. and then to be told that my love and energy and passion and attachment was too much is literally the most heartbreaking thing. as said in the video, I would be willing to give just as much if not more and I would share the love and empathy and patience and understanding, but even offering that was i guess too much. i pretty much feel that nobody will want to deal with me seeing as how i've been rejected and abandoned quite a lot, and even though i've done a lot of self improvement to become more positive, less depressed and negative, have better vibes, etc. it doesn't seem to make a difference and still people don't want to connect with me or are just unable to handle my "power" or emotional depth. feeling pretty hopeless about it. i've never had a mutual relationship so i cant relate to the idea of getting bored with it. i would just be grateful to be loved at all. it's very disillusioning to meet that rare person who i feel spiritually connected to, who admits we could be soulmates, but still doesnt want to take the chance. i know a lot of it is his avoidant attachment, but obviously i still feel like it's my fault for being simultaneously too much and not enough somehow.

[@grace_silver]

I feel like unrequited love is a common struggle of the 4. I believe you’ll be able to find someone who will see your emotional depth and energy as beautiful instead of too much. Don’t give up hope! Being a 4 means you have so much to share and you just have to be patient for the person willing to understand and appreciate all that you are 💜 hope this helps

[@rozcroix]

Oh wow this comment hit me. I am an INFP 4w5, came from a dysfunctional family background. didn’t feel nurtured or cared about at times. Deep into spirituality and astrology, I’m also a life path 9. I have always felt constantly rejected and abandoned/ left out by lovers friends and family. I too, was told by people that I was too much or too intense, too sensitive. I used to attract men who things felt fated with only for them to try to break me down in the end and I was rejected and abandoned. They have told me horrible things, when I started believing in myself my intuition has saved me from so many of things. I have had people pretend to be someone who they weren’t and hide their true selves from me, just to smile and laugh in my face as I cry in the end. so many wounds and scars surrounding my individuality and feeling “too different” to fit in, which made me feel misunderstood and left out. Now as I grow older I embrace it. I find alot of people can be jealous or intimidated by that sortve energy. I 4w5’s are true to themselves. The 4’s I know have alot of self respect for themselves/ the things they value. I find 4’s emotional intensity and depth so beautiful. I love creating things and making art, I feel a spiritual connection to otherwordly things and the divine. I’m sortve spacey but I would consider myself honest it could come across as intimidating again, there are many people out there who appreciate those qualities. There are many positive things about this type. 4s have very beautiful rich minds but We are not for everyone. embrace who you are no matter what.

[@Intuitioncalling]

No matter how much I like a person, as soon as the chase is over, I feel disappointed as hell.

[@JonDoss80]

I think the color TV analogy is deeply flawed. If everyone else had a color TV, a 4 would probably prefer the B&W. 😂

[@nompilogwabavu3438]

My whole life can feel like a series of longing, getting, feeling the high then the dreaded buyer's remorse kicking in heavily. Trying to deny the now so obvious gimmick I 'purchased'. Then the mourning of both the wonder I thought I'd found AND not having the initial dream to go back to anymore!

[@clairecollins7086]

My boyfriend and I were together in highschool. He's a 4 and I'm a 9. I escaped a difficult situation and we were separated for 5 years. We just got back together and we've always been inseparable... It's hard to pull him out of the dark place he fell into after everything but he even says that he knows that this relationship is all he wants. I want to be able to learn how to keep our relationship healthy and fulfilling for us both. I'm so happy to be able to have more insight. You always do amazing

[@JFrombaugh]

One of my favorite examples of a fictional Social 4 is Anakin Skywalker in the original trilogy before he became Darth Vader. Obi Wan (a 1w9), while a very good person who meant well & did many good things in his life as a Jedi, was also very much a stickler for the Jedi Code, fairly strict as a Master, and would often make biting remarks at Anakin whenever things went wrong, which Anakin saw as disdain and/or jealously of his ability. In the process, Anakin becomes infatuated with Padme, who he sees as not only a pretty face, but as a queen & Senator she was also like a (new) mother to Anakin, someone he could open up to - basically his "rescuer". And then you've got the master of manipulation himself, Chancellor Palpatine, whispering in Anakin's ear, criticizing the Jedi Council's policy of detachment. Anakin begins to think that if they do not make him a Jedi Master, it's because they've personally got something against him. So in the end, when Palpatine promises to teach him the secret Dark Side force technique that could save his love from death...Anakin follows his heart. The rest is history.

[@Faeriefungus]

Omg! Thank god for you! I tell everyone I know I relate so much to Anakin. I never saw any star wars movies until last year. I also watched all the lord of the rings. My fourness always told me to not watch movies because they’re mundane and universally loved. I was persuaded to watch them since it eas so unusual of me and I fell in absolute love with revenge of the sith. I’m 29 years old btw so I waited for fucking ever to watch any of them. I never had seen or heard of a character who I related so much too. Break my heart to think of the range of hate my heart has the capability of. Makes sense though because of how intense other emotions are. Anger is the one outward emotion of a 4. All else are pointed inward. I don’t want to live in a hell of my own creation like anakin. He created his own personal hell and torument. A fragmented soul trapped in a shell of a body. So profound and absolutely life changing. I was meant to see the movie late in life because it’s the most fascinating and relatable thing I’ve ever seen. Finally my inner turmoil between what I feel and what is right was brought to cinema. Your comment is monumental!!

[@deborahsaunders9477]

This video was like a soothing balm to my 'fourness'!! Thank you!

[@veronicapatino7184]

Hillarious your E9 acting in front of E4 sadness. My E9 does not ask me any more. Just give me a hug and let me deal with my emotions. And later tell me how much he loves me and he trust in my inteligence to solve my inner issues.

[@tender.rebellion]

“At the moment of my birth, I was looked upon with loving kindness, cherished and made to feel wanted on this earth and in my home. To this day I cannot remember when that feeling of being loved left me. I just know that one day I was no longer precious. Those who had initially loved me well turned away. The absence of their recognition and regard pierced my heart and left me with a feeling of brokenheartedness so profound I was spellbound. […] All the years of my life I thought I was searching for love I found, retrospectively, to be years where I was simply trying to recover what had been lost, to return to the first home, to get back the rapture of first love. I was not really ready to love or to be loved in the present.” Quote from the preface of All About Love by Bell Hooks.

[@BeckyPhelps]

This was very eye opening, thank you! My last relationship was with a 4w5 and I'm a 2w1, so this helped answer some questions for me. 🙂👍

[@generalrendar7290]

Belle is a 4, she ain't no 5. She uses books to gain new experiences, NOT to figure out how things work or to gain knowledge. She's upset with Gaston because he looks down on her. That same feeling inspires her to confront the Beast when he's being rude. Her motivation comes from the feeling that something is missing. Belle is different and she feels like no one understands her, yet she wants to be understood. That's my observation. Ariel is also a 4 in my humble opinion.

[@liabw05]

Bella from twilight too 😊

[@wcmarti25ify]

I agree about Belle as she doesn't feel comfortable and understood where she is and wants more but Ariel is comfortable yet is an adventure seeker

[@cherilueck]

Oh my gosh. Yes! I can be all things to all people until I start to feel like I’m going to turn into a pumpkin/ or everything else is. This is me exactly. There is almost always a midnight. Lol.

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

This is a good point. It's like I'm compulsively authentic. My strong negative emotions can't be held back forever. Once the sun goes down, I tell my date to run. "run! Save yourself! I'll hold him back as long as I can!"

[@GamerCraft-08]

We like being quirky. That’s a compliment! Also I’m married to a 9 and you nailed it. When I unload my frustrations he just looks at me and says, “Just tell me what you want me to do.” When he says that it doesn’t help.

[@Swiftieafboi14]

I’m such a 4… I cried while watching this video 😂

[@PaulHarrisonVideos]

As a type 4, I am encouraged by the fact that Satan tried his best to target me by distracting you through endless phone notifications from getting this message to me so I can be on my unique calling. I’m not called to banal ministry, but am set apart as a prophet-seer-mystic-empath-healer, revealed to me by signs, prophets, dreams, and visions. I wasn’t going to watch this, but I sensed in my spirit that I should, and I feel like the timing was totally fated. With your help, I’m going to accomplish many amazing things in the exciting adventure God has waiting for me as he moves me into my destiny, where lives will be miraculously and radically changed forever. (I used to talk this way. Christian enneagram 4 problems.)

[@christinepetzholtz9019]

Would have loved to listen more to the positive things a 4 is bringing to the table in a relationship...but maybe I missed it being a 4 ;-).

[@karissahammond4587]

We bring the ability to sit with people when they are in their version of Hell. That's not something to be scoffed at. It's a good way to make true friends and truly deep relationships. People need someone who isn't afraid of the dark to lead them through it.

[@christinepetzholtz9019]

@@karissahammond4587 I agree. Thank you!!!

[@karissahammond4587]

@@christinepetzholtz9019 You're welcome! I've been trying to think of some good things for a while now, so I'll share a few more and hope they help you too: 1) We often help others to express things that they have felt but struggled to voice. 2) We have the gift of being able to mourn. Might not always seem like a gift, but it is a strength that helps us to endure challenges that might break other types. Therefore, we bring strength to relationships. 3) We can actually bring a good deal of positivity to relationships and people because we can see beauty in anything. 4) Yes, we can feel deep sorrow, but we can also feel deep joy. As soon as we can let go of the fear that others will abandon us if we're too happy, then we can bring a whole new level of authenticity and shine like the sun. We're a feeling type and that includes all feelings. 5) Even if none of the above were true, we would be worthy of love anyway. You are worthy of love and devotion.

[@christinepetzholtz9019]

@@karissahammond4587 Thank you so much for sharing! Actually being able to mourn is a very positive thing for me as it helps to let things go and open space for new. I am still blocked to let in my sadness which then can express itself in depression. It gives me strength to think that our type is capable and I will try to give room to the mourning process. Reading you I understand now better why I love my profession so much, being a therapist. Thanks again for the nice connection!

[@karissahammond4587]

@@christinepetzholtz9019 You're welcome! I'm glad to share. Thank you for talking too! You make a good point about too much mourning sometimes leading to depression. It's a difficult balance at times. It's important to fully feel and process all emotions, but it's also important not to become stuck in rumination. That's so cool that you're a therapist! That is a good occupation for fours, and I can already tell you're a good one. You're a good listener.

[@PaleLady]

Daaaaaang.... I feel so called out... 😂😂 Thank you for making videos about the types but especially the 4s

[@twlahue]

Any time!

[@junniebear49]

I’m a 4, my Mother is a 4. That childhood wound comment🎯

[@carrahwhite8786]

The disappointment in “what do you want me to do?” Sigh...even if they mean well...not say that...let’s start there

[@julianaduimstra4395]

it's the worst!! I want you to listen and help me process but I don't want to tell you I want that

[@carriebradon2807]

It’s very hard for other personality types to sit with uncomfortable feelings and not act. Fours are clearly wanting to be understood but I think that for people who want to love and care for their fours they can misunderstand why they are being told something that the four doesn’t want a solution to or help with. It comes from a place of love. I say this as a 6 married to a 4. There is little worse than feeling powerless to help protect your loved one. 💜

[@jazon85k]

He talked about 9 in that statement. Usually 9 are good listeners, remember the tiny things, and emphatetic. ...but if there is a problem in the realtionship they will be anxious, and want to solve the problem to regain the peace and harmony. If they see the 4 withdraw they will be quite anxious and want to ask this question (not sure they will), because they scared and want solution. Your statement is bit arrogant.

[@jazon85k]

@@julianaduimstra4395 ...but why? Without communication how you can fulfill your needs? You will be resent for something, that you never communicate to your partner. It is silly.

[@j-man5353]

this is mostly unrelated to the topic, but I recently took some tests and have been doing research on enneagrams and found that I'm a 4 and I hadn't heard yet the childhood wound of "missing a mother's love" until now and it blew my mind. My parents got divorced when I was 4 and I saw my mom very little for most of my childhood. I'm talking probably one day a month for years, maybe even less than that. I relate pretty heavily to all the 4 characteristics but that really solidifed it. I know it's not necessarily meant to be taken literally but I can really relate to the concept.

[@alishawilliams6155]

Dr. Tom...Thank you for this video! after the information you provided in the class yesterday about type 4, which by the way had me up reading all night... this video was VERY helpful, and I just might be a Type 4 and not a 2... :)

[@nannatheilgaard9156]

This made me understand my friend a lot better. She is a four and sometimes withdraws, and it leaves me puzzled.

[@milliepatel2561]

As a 4, this was scary accurate!!!

[@gregoryritchie7852]

Appreciate you, Dr. LaHue. I'm a four and just BEGINNING to scratch the surface of what this all means. Thanks for your needed help. A LOT to unpack here ... that's a good thing.

[@bellavoo]

I love this comment section- as a 4 myself I feel so seen 💛

[@Untouched77]

I dont think a 4 would ever be offended being called quirky haha we want to be

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

Your remarks on 4's sophistication leads me to seriously consider myself being a core 5. Still, my 4-ness wants to be understood, not fixed! I need to listen to this again; there was a lot of new info in this one.

[@weissblau]

Decades ago a (7) and Enneagram instructor (!:))) told me that she can't stand fours She treated me with considerable disdainful aggression. 25 years later she showed up again as a student in another setting. She did not remember me but, of course, I remembered her. She was an aging, unhealthy full-blown 7, and I, through the Grace of God, have achieved equanimity in old age. I did remind her of our previous acquaintance, of course she couldn't remember. Due to circumstances she turned to me for help and counsel because "Ones like you are so capable". I didn't have the heart to disabuse her of her belief, but internally I am experiencing great glee. Having said that, I don't care for sevens that much; they are not beautifully child-like, they are simply childish unless they have integrated. Sorry, Dr. LaHue, I am sure you have integrated, but you know how older, disintegrated versions of all types are simply sad.

[@deborah3709]

I was almost mad hearing you describe me so accurately. LOL

[@clouddancer46]

Turn off notifications, do you have an ex that is a 4, you get really mean in some parts. Most of this was good , but some cruel and exaggerated. All 4s need is to be noticed and mashed potatoes are just fine. Creating a space for them is importmant. You can tell you did your work.

[@FlashBangBANGz]

Some mashed potatoes and a chicken leg or two sounds real good rn.

[@clouddancer46]

@@FlashBangBANGz Literally just sat down for dinner, that does sound good. Yum. 💕

[@gregoryritchie7852]

I'm a 4 - a complete mystery to myself and apparently to at least some others. Thank you for adding clarity to the 4!

[@deathsheadtarot7875]

I want to start by saying that I love your videos!! Please keep this in mind when you read my post 😉 I wanted to give my perspective of this video... I'm a 4W5 and my partner is a 5W4 I watched both videos on the 4 & 5 in relationship. I came away from the 4 video feeling a little ashamed for being a 4, not totally, but enough that I noticed the contrast in how I felt after watching the 5 video. With the 5 video I felt I needed to be more understanding of the 5 and their way of processing the world and what they need from others. That it was mostly others that needed to change what they need from 5's. I feel that 4's tend to be the devils advocate. I find myself and other 4's responding to others in an opposite manner to bring a sense of balance and flush out true authenticity. Sometimes even showing the other person the emotions that they don't want to see in themselves, much like a shadow. 4's want others to look at what they don't like to see in themselves. To see the whole self, not just the mask they show the world. As for relationships I think it's fair to say we all want to find a partner that provides us with what we feel we're lacking. I'm not sure that's a 4 trait specifically. I realize you didn't write it, but you did keep it in your video and so that leads to me to believe that you agree to a certain degree. We definitely have negative aspects..... I'm not saying 4's are perfect by ANY means! I'm not a typical 4 being a 4w5 SP ..... I'm very analytical and need lots of information to understand my emotions..... so I realize my personal experience of being a 4 may not be what other 4's experience personally. I just wanted to share my experience of how the two types were being explained 🤗 Thank you for putting the time and energy to make and share this video!! 🙏💛

[@DigiShaby]

As you described the way how 1's respond to the struggles of the 4's, this is exactly how conflicts with my ex (who I suspect was a huge 1) looked like, to the point. Like, when I talked about personal problems of mine, especially within my family, he mostly tried to almost give me a mental list of things on how I could fix it finally, how I could respond to certain people and then it's like "done", but for me (as a 4 heavily mixed with 9), this was just totally off-putting, as if he just gave me a statement of "just do this bro, it's not that hard" like as if I'm just too incompetent. I guess back then I didn't have the communication skills as I do now, but I wish I could've told him how this just made me feel heavily overlooked and misunderstood. I didn't exactly want a solution (I mostly knew what to do about it, but hey as a 4 you can't really stop expressing your frustration about some things), I wanted someone to validate my pain and to reassure me - well I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style so I guess it plays into that too 100%, but I think even if I'll get secure and finally can deal with my stuff, I'd still want someone who first gives me a secure-space to cry about it, and then maybe I can get to the solution myself - I don't want someone giving me lists. Later on my ex even wrote me a list on how I could manage my everyday life, ahh... It's not that this is not nice, just honestly not for me

[@pluralpsychdelia857]

That(the list, the simple solutions) is not "nice". Peiple treating you like this are the ones that makes us feel crazy. Exactly as its described. They don't understand and just blurp how they'd do which could be an okay point of view but putting it over how you SHOULD act is not the answer. Just because somebody is treating your struggles as no big deal doesn't mean they can handle them if they were you.

[@DigiShaby]

@@pluralpsychdelia857 Thank you for your validating words!!

[@MithraSemiramis]

excellent metaphor with the garden. I was married to a 9 who let all the weeds pile up and I'm with a 6 now who over tends 😆

[@agatapronin]

This is huge and thank you for this. I realised that all my life I have belived that I'm unloveable, so how I could have a healthy and loving relationships? I haven't, instead I pull to my life narcitistic people (often shaining with this qualities from outside but fake) , so I had to try, so hard to get the love but they were unable to love, so could proof my inner belive 😔. Hopfully, I niticed this pattern and my life is changing day by day, and have enough courage to look at my shadow.

[@rockNdoII]

I’m far from that miserable as it seems here though.. I love parties (for example)😅 ..but I mistyped myself as a 7 before. I’m a self preservation type 4w3 … ENFP

[@BeDifferent77]

Im definitely a 4!! (4w5). I know everyone is commenting already on store girl. But...im going to say what i think...because, ive been that girl at times. Its actually more that one thing happening: 1) Not limiting self to copy everyone else's aesthetic. So the door is wide open for exploration of different possibilities. 2- And...via exploration, a different appreciation for another aesthetic develops. 3- Boredom and curiosity. Im known to look for different ideas, because i get bored doing things the same way. Its just fun... Its like wearable art. What others are going to think is just simply not being taken into account. I will make an exception. When i was 15 and at odds with my very conservative Christian mom and stepdad. I purposefully wore a sweater as an extremely short dress knowing it was going to make them squirm.

[@gregoryritchie7852]

Tom: You're the best! As a four, I appreciate your going all out to help me understand myself better.

[@dianana7371]

15:45 I just realized my inner critic as a SP 4 sounds a lot like what a type 1 would tell me, yet 1 is the arrow of growth hmmm..

[@stephjoy714]

I literally can’t believe you just sang “I want much more than this provincial life,” as that’s pretty much been my lifelong theme song, haha!! Belle happens to be my favorite and I’m thinking she must be a 4 just like me!

[@HibaYounis-b3i]

Lol. Not Dr Tom’s 7ness going to 1 when talking about 4s!!! 🤣👏 And also, thank you for all that you do to help us understand the enneagram and ourselves 😊

[@twlahue]

Your appreciation means a lot, thank you for watching and learning with me!

[@greekgeekman]

Why is this the funniest video he’s done?? 😂

[@mybirdiee]

13:23 this reminds me of Revolutionary Road, April. she was so so tired of the mundane. I can identify with this character so much

[@suzannehutnick3170]

You are so funny, Dr. Tom! Love your videos.

[@TessavandieKaap]

I open myself up and then get rejected 🙅‍♀️

[@ashleyching7894]

To fix a 4 is to diminish a 4. I don’t want to be fixed. I want to be understood.

[@pollynlyubenova8365]

This just made me realise that as a 4 I only have a chance with someone who is a 4 too.

[@jadejoan_]

I think that the girl in the store could be wearing on the outside a representation of her emotional world on the inside. she it could also be a subconscious way of protecting herself. I don't think the attention is the main motive although it could be mixed in there.