Enneagram: When Pleasing You is Destroying Me

[@Nylbereth]

Even for the ones out there not being 9s or 2s, this message is useful for everyone. Social conflict avoidance is true of my type, I'm a withdrawal expert "I don't need them/it/this/that anyway" is my natural knee jerk reaction. I'm learning how to still engage people and be truthful. Must, ought or should is a recipe for disaster. There are no guarantee outcomes and we have to focus on what you authentically do for yourself and for people and then let it go.... I love the book references also. My reading list is growing ahah. Perhaps is time to sub to audible to catch up on everything! Thanks for the new video dr tom! Bits of wisdom for everyone as always.

[@justapseudonym7]

As a 9 and recovering people pleaser, I'm trying to figure out how to be comfortable with caring and bringing peace without falling back into people pleasing. I've become detached and cold in fear of this

[@justapseudonym7]

For example, I've had relationships where the person comes to me for advice and to vent but they never care about my life. Usually I just let them continue treating me that way until I withdraw from the relationship without a word. How can I speak up for myself, without feeling like I'm being "mean". My first thought is it to say, "hey i don't want to talk about your problems right now." But that sounds mean to me lol

[@carolinethompson4195]

I'm a type 9w1 and this resonates with me. Thank you for this.

[@joecrozier3236]

Wonderful advice, with a host of life-enhancing insights -- many thanks! People-pleasing destroyed our marriage. As a 1w2 child, I internalized the rule "It's better to give than to receive" as absolutely and always true. She's a 7w8, raised in a horrifically deprived and abusive environment. For decades, our dynamic was "I give. She takes." But life kept spiralling down. After 21 years, finally, I did something that was in both our interests. She left. Our marriage had presented both of us with a unique opportunity to grow as people -- and we were totally clueless. Once again, thank you.

[@carolynpeterson9968]

This was hard to hear but super helpful. My 'should' list is long, I've realized! LOL You know, I should.....wait a minute!

[@melissaphillis7247]

Great content, really good for this 9 too....but the 2 in me needed this very much. Especially with a bpd 4 daughter who has started drugs, I will NEVER be able to do enough for her, no matter if I give everything I have, she'll never believe I love her, or that she matters...it will destroy me if I don't accept that me having boundaries will be healthy for both of us.

[@twlahue]

I am so glad that this video helped.

[@robertaclemmons7999]

Listening to or reading "Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children," will be a blessing to you.

[@TakaraoftheElves]

Yes, PLEASE hold courageously to your boundaries, especially if you have other children. I have a diagnosed schizophrenic brother, and an undiagnosed autistic brother. My mother gives them everything (time, money, attention, energy), and yet they remain adult dependents who are happy to let her do everything for them. There comes a point where denying someone their "rock bottom" is also denying them the realizations which might lead to finding their life's true path.

[@Pinkdaimonddragon]

I just want to escape and it makes me feel bad and also sad. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the rest of my life.

[@legeanflorin]

About your statement that we are not responsible about other people's feelings, about how others feel and that they alone are responsible about their feelings... I have a but. I agree that my feelings are my feelings. But that is a truism. Because we are interconnected and we all live together on this earth, the truth is that we also at least imput other peoples feelings or we affect them. We don't leave in void bubbles. In the bible, even God says to Israel that their behaviour or even wicked hearts have provoked his anger and caused him sadness. So if even God can be angered and saddened and joyed, if even his feelings can be affected by us, then so much more are we responsible in a way for other people's feelings.

[@er6730]

Yes, I have this issue with a lot of relationship advice. However, I have come to realize that what this advice means is that I am responsible for managing my own emotions. So, if my toddler hurts himself, of course that's going to affect me! I'm alarmed and want to check that he's okay and nothing's broken, and I am sad because he's sad. However, I can't fix him. I can manage my own emotions, I can validate his emotions, and because I'm regulated, he grows calmer and eventually hops off my lap and runs off to play again. If I'd have not taken responsibility for my feelings, and flailed around and screamed and cried, he'd have taken a LOT longer to recover. Or I'd yelled at him, "stop crying, you're making me upset!" that would be an entirely different problem. I give this example because it's clearer with a kid than with another adult, but it's the same idea. We affect other people, and are affected by them. It's still up to us to manage our own feelings, and not try to manage other people's feelings. So, if my husband gets stressed out by the yardwork, and then I, without realizing how he's going to hear it, say something like "are you going to cut the grass today?", he might suddenly be in his feelings of inadequacy and be angry. So, I affected him (feels insulted by my question), and then he affected me (startled and hurt by unexpected explosion), but we're still both in charge of regulating our own feelings. I might say, "no need to freak out" and that's going to have an effect, as would me saying nothing and walking away, or asking "did I offend you?". The point is, I can choose to remove myself from the situation, blast him back, or try to de-escalate. That's my choice. He can, no matter which response I choose, decide to apologise, stay silent, or insult me in return. That's his choice. We're definitely affecting each other, but that doesn't mean we're forcing a reaction.

[@charissnyder5887]

I have been reading up on tritypes a bit. If you would want to make a video about this I would love to hear it.

[@charissnyder5887]

I think I understand the basics of it, but I do not understand how to apply it to your own life, which you do a great job of explaining.

[@pearlseeker5836]

This is brilliant advice. Thank you. Just what I needed to hear right now.

[@twlahue]

Glad it was helpful!

[@wasode20]

This is fantastic content,thank you.

[@twlahue]

Glad it was helpful! Thanks.

[@AdSprad]

I needed to hear this at this moment, thanks Doc.

[@sandrinetrolle400]

Yes because you forget yourself, and it can destroy your

[@brianbeattympls]

Profound video.

[@rhondacox4442]

I am a 9 according to the test and fit 9 perfectly but I can relate strongly with a 2, more so than I do with W1 and W8. A lot in this video really hits home.

[@lorrielee885]

I needed this even as a 7

[@margaretjudice8944]

Good advice!

[@twlahue]

Thanks!

[@ashleyching3166]

Helpful for whenever someone judges my response to "What do you do?"

[@grabbelton]

Omg I am/ was so stupid.it is so funny hearing this, it hit home so much I'm laughing at myself.... thank you👌😂. Funny because it's so true and only now, at 50, I am getting it 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️😁🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[@tinalemay3418]

Thanks, Tom. Another interesting video!

[@Pinkdaimonddragon]

Dr. La Hue. , I appreciate your video and your correct. I want to escape but I not going to. I’m going to try my very best to be as strong as I can.❤️

[@grabbelton]

Eye opening. Thank you so much 👍👌👌👌👌👌.

[@audreypistor4610]

this is me..... Thank you

[@gloriacraig3746]

Thanls for type 9

[@lindaraereneau484]

Too much belaboring. I couldn't take it to get to the meat.

[@twlahue]

Sorry... I will try harder next time.