Ep. 31 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura are back in the cave once again. Bert has a new perspective on Karl Malone. Tom and Bert then start going doing lists to see which alt comics don't know them, which leads them to a more fun conversation on which black comedians don't know them. We even call up black expert Neal Brennan to weigh in! We find out Tom’s experience driving a McLaren after he gives the Kreischer girls a ride. We then get into the discussion of fighting and each of the bears have their own technique. Tom is really aching to cause damage to someone. Will anybody volunteer? Plus, reactions to more of your comments and memes!
yourmomshousepo...
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/ yourmomshousepodcast

[@SwampRobin]

I think it’s incredibly sweet that Tom let’s his handicapped friend read the sponsors for him. So thoughtful and inclusive for the disabled community.

[@after1001]

Bert is Tom's wack pack member. He's ALMOST as funny as try it out guy.

[@j.b.7133]

It’s incredibly sweet that his fans let him perform handicapped "standup" too.

[@codyleviwaffle]

That ship station ad was a doozy

[@Jeebus86]

You know, disabled is considered derogatory. Curb your ablism

[@MalachiTheBear7]

And they say Tom can't say retarded after all his help of this tic toc...

[@IsLifeaStage]

All I know is I started saying “a hunderred percent” and I can’t stop. Please save me.

[@xiuxiu60]

a HUNDRED percent

[@vhscopyofseinfeld]

Shannon DeVaughn bro I JUST said it and had the same thought.

[@nickgrimes6484]

Take a shot!

[@Stbuster31]

Sam Tripoli got me saying it too

[@mortenchristensrn2487]

Im doing it too... and im danish...

[@Hieillua]

*Petition to have Tom purchase a shock collar so he can zap Bert whenever he talks over him*

[@OGxMINI]

I’ve actually never seen a better idea in my entire life. Fuck the drinking game, this would get him to stop doing all the stuff featured in that game

[@holleymi2000]

ha ha gold

[@jpk51]

PLEASE

[@ryanlaughman324]

Signed

[@nickmitchell7584]

Oh you mean the B Schaub collar

[@codyboggs4775]

“Would Cosby like Bert?” He’d probably like Ari more...

[@CreossCross]

Cosby walked so Ari could run

[@colina1330]

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn.

[@shroomshady27]

Ha! That was a good one. -

[@enriqueshockwave7632]

Listening to Bert trying to read an ad is like listening to a toddler trying to tell you about their day

[@ethanp9068]

Yup they start with the middle and then end with the beginning

[@pizzawalrus]

this has me cryin

[@xOneCinema]

Pretty sure it's the same thing

[@backupinit]

In a way it is ..

[@KZ_MMA_]

He reads like the 3rd best kid in preschool

[@annika4050]

Are we just not going to acknowledge how awkward it was when Nadav interrupted a whole conversation to beg Tom to elbow him in the face.

[@KaiKaiBrown.]

weird asf

[@shariqsonindahouse9663]

Yh i was like... its weird for tom and bert to be weirded out like that hahahha

[@maximilianraley2457]

Man I missed that, what's the time stamp?

[@liltoasty5215]

@@maximilianraley2457 59:52

[@maximilianraley2457]

@@liltoasty5215 Thank you!

[@leoneverest]

Bert doesn't want people to know his address but wants to be the only house in the state with a moat.

[@Ipipeyourmom]

He could disguise his house as a mountain and just live as a bear

[@hunterthompson6295]

@@Ipipeyourmom you could also make more accounts to like your own comment. 1 thumbs up 👍 is preety damn lonely.

[@R.Nail-nu3ly]

@@hunterthompson6295 no thumbs for u

[@sisyr5615]

@@hunterthompson6295 not as lonely as your zero, mate

[@jayc1397]

This needs to be the top comment

[@acrispysprite8559]

Bert: *Talking for literally 5 minutes straight* "Can i tell a story for a second?" Tom: "Yeah sure!"

[@baronash397]

I’m really proud of Brett, he made it a full 4 seconds before stuttering!

[@amushroomtrip]

That’s a restart not a stutter

[@DNYGdj]

And a whole 20 without berating his wife for humour!

[@hunterkaimi]

He’s fully Tok’d for sure

[@RG-tm7uq]

Brandon Dancer Look out guys, Bit-Killer Jones has returned

[@nathanestrada5967]

And a whole 3 seconds after the intro before making a racist comment!

[@batmansdad2563]

Did anyone else find it super weird that nadav literally interrupted the podcast to make a genuine offer to let Tom elbow him in the face for no reason?

[@rokeflame5288]

Was really strange

[@BigKevinSports]

@@rokeflame5288 Search Your Moms house Podcast. And Either add to it “Nadav vs Tom fight” Tom Segura snaps at Nadav “Tom Segura poem to Nadav” “The Into Wars” was 100% definitely a part of it. I don’t want to spoil anything because I keep my jeans high and tight. Keep Feathering it brother!

[@original1nage]

every intro Bert: Do you need a website? Are you as dumb as my wife? Well have we got the product for you

[@laurav19]

It increased tenfold probably

[@karabrinson5885]

Bert: “By the way I’m being very vague about this “.... **Describes EVERY detail ** 😂😂😂

[@TheHebrewHand]

I think we may need to start a GoFundMe now for Nadav’s inevitable and necessary therapy

[@Applez357]

To address his CONSTANT need to please Tom 🤔

[@soccerfreek07]

More like for his jaw after Tom’s elbow...

[@andrewscott8240]

I bet Tom would fund his assisted suicide

[@Doorito_]

That was one of the weirdest things i've witnessed

[@MM-vn6rs]

I don’t get that whole thing is it like some ongoing gag?

[@christianwright6710]

This podcast has turned into burnt trying to call celebrities and them not answering the phone lmao

[@OutlierConcepts]

Words gotten out that being on the podcast is the kiss of death

[@user-pv3ut8os3o]

Bernt Krischner: and the train WALKED RIGHT BY HER!

[@robertmace4501]

Heard this too

[@fuzzmaster77]

Uhhhhhhhhhhh hundred percent!

[@squeezeslemons]

“That’s great honey”

[@Whystling_Byrd]

This bothered me too.

[@sicivic2k]

At 28:39 Bert literally stops in the middle of a conversation to smell his fingers. If that's not already part of the drinking game, it needs to be.

[@Random-bi4nl]

lol

[@shermangraves6715]

This podcast has started out as two friends hanging out and it has slowly devolved into one of the friend’s watching the other dig holes he can’t fill fast enough.

[@TylerSimco]

The first episode Tom fed Bert an entire plate of donuts and three beers. It's always been that 😂

[@drewlovely2668]

@@TylerSimco you can't forget about the hot server. The one that is now Bert's spin instructor.

[@CutterDriftwood]

To be honest, Bert could stand to dig a few holes & refill themI!!

[@crhistopherlobos8410]

I feel like the life line of this show is the distant laughter

[@Kris_Toffer]

3:03 for intro, 3:38 for episode. 40:54 for first ad. 1:06:40 for second.

[@lockedboat4782]

It’s been out for 11 minutes how

[@Kris_Toffer]

@@lockedboat4782 Through the magic of racism courtesy of Berty bert.

[@CarlosRuizisthebest]

King

[@dylbowaggins4160]

Thanks

[@BenjaminSteel]

This is what I’m talking about 👏

[@Alfawaz506]

I love when Tom impersonates Leeann with a heavy southern accent😂🤣

[@malkinmalone]

Tom would nail Leanne in a second I think. Just so he could tell bert about it and laugh maniacally.

[@negativethirtytwo]

i love the way Tom bullshit agrees with Bert just to see how deep of a hole he can dig himself into.

[@MrJayehawk]

Tommy's a provocateur

[@SpacersChoice]

This episode: Bert talks about himself while playing with his phone.

[@Agent_KD6-3.7]

Same as all the other episodes.

[@jasonsteakums6067]

“I wonder if Eddie Murphy ever thinks about me💁🏻‍♂️😍”

[@cmb9059]

Did he yell at tom for messing with his phone while bert talks Bout himself tho?

[@nategarrison]

Next week Nadav will have "property of Mr. Tom" tattooed on his chest while Bert rains elbows and Mystic Rick delivers the Turkey Slicer

[@zachbrysonofficial]

“You’re acting like you know me, homie” needs to get put on a shirt!

[@after1001]

Bert talking about himself endlessly while Tom zones out

[@Hieillua]

It's the Bart Kreisther show ft. Tom Segura

[@notpaulrudd6376]

He’s a selfish lying alcoholic. Typical. Addict. Good thing he’s such a buffoon. Anyone with an IQ over 80 can figure out Bert is a compulsive liAr. Poor Bart.

[@ScorpionP2C]

@@notpaulrudd6376 so why are you here, and commenting?

[@jamesl3426]

NotPaulRudd We got the comment psychologist here 🙄

[@McFudge93]

@@ScorpionP2C because some of us like Tom Segura. I only watch bill and Bert for bill. Every episode turns into Bert's fantasy hour of narcissist bullshit.

[@RDSwords]

I'm so happy to see Patrice still at the top of the ranks of best comedians years after his passing.

[@ThePaulOLoughlin]

6 5th floor is 7th March and they are going to stay for the weekend 5 6ty6r6d6d dt and R 75 chi

[@andrewtruex]

This podcast would be so much better if Tom Segura was on it

[@antifa19]

I dont get it....

[@jaredhanover1443]

HAHA

[@haydenblice3873]

@@antifa19 bc Bert wont let him talk

[@archiebunkrr7955]

New favorite podcast duo . I love how Tom sits back and watches Bert slit his own wrists but finds a positive message somewhere in his story

[@benjakes7994]

Apparently reading wasn’t a requirement during Bart’s 6 years in college

[@gonufc]

@@bobvance9519 Maybe it was just Colours. He tells them what colour they're pointing at and he gets a degree.

[@VideoNozoki]

18-25, 7... he went to college for 7 years. (*ノ_

[@BoolyK]

I am in love with this comment

[@dalelane1948]

Nude Millennial Cyanide Crust kudos, best comment I’ve read all week

[@EvanSaltare]

He went to Florida State. It's practically a state sponsored keg stand that lasts for 4 years.

[@joshuabrown3376]

2 bears number one wishes Tom: free top tier supercar Burt: full bottle of Tito's and unfiltered racism making a comeback.

[@legopoliceman]

Bert having little Chinese kids making his flip flops. His dreams come true.

[@dougbrown9734]

When Neil answered and said hey buddy...is this about black stuff? I thought it was toms dad

[@Devonrgn]

I wish we had a show of Patrice feeding Bert lines over a ear piece to pick up ladies

[@briggsb1]

Bert: "This is the best fitness tracker I've ever used" Also Bert: "This is the only fitness tracker I've ever used"

[@freddiemarquez9736]

Just now realizing that Bert Kreishna is a real life Peter Griffin.

[@danielboone542]

No way, Homer Simpson, he’s balding with a goatee and a gut, he’s conservative but doesn’t really know why, he has two daughters and an annoying/lovable dog, and he was at his best in the 90s. He’s Homer yo.

[@JesseJames-zp6dh]

Ummm... that’s not accurate in any way. Peter Griffin is funny, Bert is not. Peter May say dumb and semi racist stuff but he’s a cartoon character and goes in on everyone, Bert is just a racist. The first time I saw him, I’ve always disliked him. He present laughs to make his jokes seem funnier than they are and he’s basically a closet racist. He is not funny and is as fake as titties in LA.

[@uncrownedoak7777]

@@JesseJames-zp6dh nah

[@britishcodfish1472]

JesseJames613 how is he racist. What did he do/say?

[@the_Dogpacker]

@@britishcodfish1472 you don't watch this often, do you? 🤣

[@ackbarstrap391]

Bert Kreischer: I cannot have 2 beers and then do anything.

[@ArvisPavilons]

My 3 day old son, just got his 2nd hearth surgery. Thank you for doing what you are doing, it makes my day a loot brighter and normal

[@hunterkaimi]

Hopes he’s recovering well. Keep feathering it brother

[@torianj37]

Blessings bro

[@88makaveli00]

It's tough time brother, I'll have you and your family in my prayers!

[@ArvisPavilons]

@@hunterkaimi Thank You! You can't imagine how much these words mean, even though i dont know you! I will keep feathering and i hope my little Jacob will feather one day too! Next week he has one more operation, just for a second, if you can, send good thoughts to my son Jacob in Latvia. I dont believe in god or higher power, but since Jacob i have no other choice but to trust surgeons and hope there is higher power to whom i am begging every hour for Jacobs life

[@ArvisPavilons]

@@torianj37 Thank You, it means a lot. It is weird, but it really means a lot. Me and my wife have cried since 23d of april, and we have also cried happy tears after each succesful surgery, and after each nighy he is still alive and fighting his ass of

[@shawncockerham8094]

Bert: this is going to be a GREAT episode! Spends half the pod staring at his phone.

[@markus7550]

*Bert takes up dip, red bull, racism, drinking again* "I love it when you get a new habit" -Tom

[@madecl21]

Racism isn't new for Bert

[@laurav19]

I wish I had that kind of support in my life

[@VideoNozoki]

Bert reading Whoop commercial: "You wake up. Have you had medication? Have you had caffine??" (drinks Red Bull).. "Nope. and then you see your results in the app."

[@hepatitisatoz5666]

this week on Tom and Bert Play with Their Phones: Bert reads a list and says yes or no

[@caneface87]

Tom looking a little Bert around the waist

[@SkYwAlKeR420blksqd]

“Looking a little bert” 😂😂😂

[@croz711]

I commented this last episode, too. Getting chonky

[@AlxndrXX]

its because he's getting heavy into weed and mgs eating a lot

[@alexdayenian]

WalkingCane his waist does not look like it beats his wife

[@nashvillearmwrestling9715]

How does someone's waist look racist?

[@blakewhitlock2307]

I have been playing the drinking game for the last 10 episodes and I think I'm starting to develop brain damage, thanks bert!

[@BookOfJames1]

Show starts: Tom: First and foremost... Bert: BY THE WAY!!

[@Hieillua]

He's on all kinds of drugs

[@Whystling_Byrd]

He just wanted to avoid his persona becoming more racist.

[@matguerra333]

Neil Brennan type of dude to call you and say, "There's my guy" when you pick up.

[@christopherwhite2923]

one of the best things ever to happen on this show

[@Hallucinato444]

Its so Florida of Bert to want a moat built around his house

[@LAMENTFORLOSTLOVE]

Florida need's to burn to the ground

[@bdawggification]

So a moat in England is classy but it somehow loses it class when it’s in Florida surrounding a two story double wide?

[@josephfrankland4850]

More of a Quahog thing

[@trespasscomplex]

@@bdawggification It's not classy in England, and in England we're lucky to have walls and a roof

[@bdawggification]

Jack Murphy Were not speaking of the peasant class, now we know they don’t get moats. If you think the moat surrounding Fulham palace doesn’t ooze class, you ain’t black, as Joe Biden may put it.

[@goatpepperherbaltea7895]

That company man elbow in the face shit was fuckin hilarious

[@trevor5834]

Let's say we had a friend who partied excessively into their 40s, stuttered profusely, and can't maintain a single uninterrupted thought for more than two seconds. Would you recommend sobriety for our friend?

[@jamieissorry99]

only if he was fat and sounded like a walrus on helium laughing

[@j.b.7133]

Imagine thinking his stand-up is good too. Oof.

[@josef2012]

It worked for Trump.

[@terrybird993]

Bert's stand up IS good, don't be an ass. You don't know the guy...

[@idab6864]

@@terrybird993 it genuinely is not good. Without podcasting he would have no following.

[@michealc9859]

Bert hates Blueban so much and its so entertaining

[@christonacracker5905]

I hope Tom's sons grow up to be tag team champions.

[@daniel9610able]

Like Earl Thomas?

[@NickCorso]

Tom talks to Nadav the same way I talk to my dog after he took a shit in the house

[@jennifervielmas9459]

I love Burt so much. It's like a drunk stepdad at a bbq including me in the conversation.

[@parisab6]

Tom’s face when Bert changes the subject mid sentence.

[@TheBlackMambaa248]

Clicked right off JRE Kevin Hart once I saw this. Gotta go with the bears first.

[@xbiggermx]

same

[@goldencheese7247]

Same

[@MlRAAK]

Both of Kevin's episodes were just self promotion and jerking off. They're not really worth watching.

[@OutlierConcepts]

"I CAN NOT have 2 beers and go do ANYTHING" This entire podcast has literally been "Stuff Bert did after having 2 beers"

[@lexmaslennikov4415]

Please isolate Bert saying : "This is just for white people." It is somewhere around 14th minute. Edit: 13:58.

[@smashin]

When he was talking about the phone switching thing, which was something Bobby Lee did in his podcast.

[@YellowRubberDuckie]

Do you even get jokes?

[@Darbae7]

Been having a rough week and driving back and forth between Columbus and Dayton for some family issues so listening to them as I drive has kept me sane

[@cliffordlevy3918]

Bert searching through his phone was riveting.

[@Hieillua]

The dummy never heard of a search function thats present in every email app/website. He actually scrolled through his mail.

[@VideoNozoki]

Searching through phone every episode. Bert "You don't need to cut this out, this is what makes podcasting great..." No, no it is not. Please cut out the telephone searching/scrolling, and the UNanswered calls. It adds nothing but time to the video. - "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Bad podcasting is just people who can't be bothered to edit out the boring shit.

[@Whystling_Byrd]

@@VideoNozoki That was my favorite part of the pod, my guy.

[@mrchewbacahimself7807]

"I can really quickly go into fantasies." like its a super power

[@bassoutofface]

"Is this about Black stuff?" You already know it is, Neal

[@matguerra333]

Neil Brennan type of dude to call you and say, "There's my guy" when you pick up.

[@TeddyBremmer]

I love how Neal answered the phone the most Neal way. "Hi Buddy" RIP Patreeky

[@after1001]

The sycophant laughing in the background sounds like he's starving for food and is laughing at gunpoint

[@luisocadiz5990]

Hes a company man, sooooo

[@shpongle7322]

There’s absolutely no way he finds everything so funny where he laughs at loud. That’s just impossible.

[@rodrigohernandez225]

Shpongle for real tho!! the laughter is obviously forced and kinda annoying and it’s been pretty notable in the past few episodes and it was ramped up for this one

[@Stiffmiester979]

Who needs a laugh track when you can force it out of someone?

[@AlanMane]

Shpongle lol nah, some people are very happy and are annoyingly quick to laugh

[@paulennis4947]

Bert and Tom ONE HHUNDRED PERCENT ... is now part of our vernacular... my friend said it we looked at each other and said BEERRRTTTTT ... your reach is global your humour is universal , thanks lads

[@elbeetlebeasto]

Bart "Hey watch me scroll thru my phone for 20 minutes" Chrysler

[@JCrownMusic]

Apparently it's what makes podcasts great 😂

[@VideoNozoki]

@@JCrownMusic Like most things Bert says, he is wrong.

[@dakotalafever1184]

when bert pulled his hair back he weirdly looked like "no neck ned" 🤣🤣🤣

[@IamTheRealCmen]

I hope Tom gets paid more than Bert for his Ad reads

[@sethburro6031]

That Bert plate in your head subject would make the best soundbyte hahahaja

[@ejcrafton84]

Listening while grilling and decided to eat less cause I don’t want to end up like Bert.

[@RyanJames-iv3qu]

No one does.

[@austingorsuch459]

Eating less doesn't help people not be racist

[@dylbowaggins4160]

Are you grilling Tito's?

Bert is fat I get it 😂

[@conor7187]

1:01:10 "or.. eye area" LOST MY SHIT LAUGHING 😂😂😂

[@cristoforcasto2400]

Hearing Bert throw something into the universe that's a complete guess, like Colorado followed by "Isn't that crazy?" like it's going to be right, is fully brought home when he discovers he's wrong. Reminds me of when a dog farts and wonders what just happened to its butt, and then forgets it happened 5 seconds later.

[@jetsfan231]

How have I just now started listening to this podcast ???? Just starting to get into podcasts , so glad I found two bears man! You guys are killing it ! Thank you , don’t stop !

[@queenie5283]

It's like Bert doesn't even breathe...he just keeps talking.

[@Whystling_Byrd]

You know how you can whistle while exhaling but also can learn to do so while inhaling? Bert can do that with talking.

[@ThisIsCush]

"First and foremost..." "Oh by the way..." *Drinks*

[@joseporras7804]

Bert is smooth brained. He needs a care taker.

[@rootintootin5167]

Hes got a Koala brain

[@josholiver515]

Bert the only person calling you from Spotify is the janitor wondering if you want the fruit snacks that you dropped while you were there lol

[@hunterlittle8793]

Every YMH show reminds me of how good Tim Dillon is at ad-reads.

[@John-xz9ur]

Life in the big city.

[@karljonson3287]

In a stunning estate.

[@phillprivers3274]

It’s a knife fight out there

[@TheOutdoorDude]

Tom saying "Just let me see your phone" seems a lot like what I think it was like for Bert to have Ellis say "Hey fat sticks, want a glass of water?"

[@RandomYouTubeNameAgain]

Bert is nice. He told I’m an okay black guy after his show.

[@zeftlovescats2433]

"And then I spit in my own car" bro I fucking lost it

[@FoxBroz]

Bert - have you ever fantasized about hitting someone? Tom - (inner thought)-(I've fantasized about where to hide the body) yes I've fantasized about hitting someone

[@medic048]

I fukn loved these guys!! I love how Tom just sits back and let's Burt go wild like a priest at a boy scout camp.😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

[@vincentmontes7409]

Wow Bert set a new record this ep for the most n bombs in an hour

[@garrettgriffin3877]

"I can not have 2 beers and do anything." -guy who drinks a bottle of wine on the treadmill

[@smif86]

"My one goal in life is to go through life without my daughters seeing me get beat up in my front yard" - You'd never guess that Bert was raised in Florida...

[@nephremka]

When Bert talks, the "allegedly" is implied.

[@RestorationIHealYou]

I feel like they had a ton of stuff to talk about but then they got distracted.

[@IrishGary1]

God this podcast is fucking glorious...best start to any week listening to Bert's senseless ramblings

[@dalelane1948]

Did that say “Free Whites” on the bottom of the racists guy’s flip flop?

[@Toshiro287]

I never thought I'd enjoy a podcast so thoroughly. I love Tom's psychosis and Bert's racism.

[@Doorito_]

"This is just for white people" 13:58 -Burnt Chrysler 2020

[@greysonmelendez2067]

Bert trying to figure his personal obsession and I'm sitting here saying out loud that its booze

[@anywherebc23]

This podcast should be called “ two bears play with their phones”....

[@campbellrhodes4011]

Tom is so good at applying peer pressure I've picked up dipping again lol

[@twist9847]

Bert spending 5 minutes in silence looking up something on his phone makes great podcasting

[@VideoNozoki]

"Best part"... can't even imagine why anyone would seamlessly edit that out.... or when Bert calls someone and they don't answer the phone.... = "best part of podcasting"

[@drugstoreman1]

rewatching this and still dying over the fact that Nadav entirely interrupted the conversation just to offer up his face to be elbowed by tom

[@TimmyP_]

Can’t wait to have the outro song in my head after this

[@ligaleagle]

Outro song is great!

[@WhereFunnyResides]

I love the guy laughing in the back it cracks me up every time lol

[@Computermonkey22]

Something to look forward to every Monday.

[@AmandaBurns14]

I forgot it was Monday, till this popped up

[@lazarus8447]

Yup, use to look forward to TFATK... But, that crashed and burned when they turned into whiny little cunts.

[@tayvis6170]

this and bad friends loo

[@ryanallen863]

Neal Brennan!!! I will watch this religiously if you bring on Neal on the reg.

[@hunterkaimi]

“I LUoove a cold shower”

[@jamieissorry99]

I think he meant “cold pool”

[@nolanburchett7972]

Tom talking about his interaction at the gas station is literally my everyday lol