Ep. 338 | The Loneliness Epidemic (with

The Minimalists speak with ‪@TheDrJohnDelonyShow‬ about loneliness, friendship, love, lust, and jobs that make people miserable. Watch “Maximal” episodes of The Minimalists Private Podcast exclusively on Patreon: / theminimalists
Questions answered in this episode:
00:00 How do I ensure I don’t fall back into crippling codependency as I explore building relationships again?
05:13 How do we intentionally practice solitude?
06:23 What is the difference between solitude and hiding?
06:31 How do we make friends as adults?
12:47 Is there any issue in striving to associate with like-minded individuals over open-minded individuals?
14:25 Where is the best place to find a long-term partner or spouse?
19:31 What are the differences between love, like, and lust?
23:48 How do I determine whether to keep a job I detest that makes me miserable, yet provides well for myself and my daughter?
30:18 How do we transition from an overabundance of acquaintances to fewer, more meaningful relationships?
44:43 Listener comments and minimalism tips.
#TheMinimalists

[@cindybelbeck6361]

So true. My husband and I have been together for 40 years. Divorced friends have asked me how? I have told them, it is a choice and I choose to love him. I have fallen in and out of love many times with him, however he is my best friend and I will always like him as the person he is.

[@meadowlace]

BS - the most destructive couples stick together.

[@laurahano7448]

Today is my 9 year anniversary. We have no married friends around us. There is something sad about my generation's standard for love. "He didn't do enough for me and drank too often, so I cheated on him and now we share the kid." is generally the summary. My thoughts are... "What were you doing for him?" A marriage is an agreement to care for one another and each other's children." The nastiest part of divorcing from your child's parent is that you are subjecting the child to be exposed to the same person you couldn't stand to live with and without your protection or supervision. Divorcing an alcoholic might fix your problem but not your child's. Take care of each other, folks.

[@kristyleavitt8007]

@Cindy Belbeck, yes! Love is a choice, not a feeling!

[@kimgordon3695]

The Esther Perel work address this

[@mariacherrington61920]

Cindy congratulations that's great 🙂

[@lauraandrews8319]

People are lonely because we communicate differently now due to social media. You can have 500 friends but none of them will stop by my house today to say hi. In fact, these days people consider it rude to stop by someone's house unannounced, when 30 years ago, even 20 years ago, I didn't feel like I was invading someone's space if I just dropped by to say hi. Same with calling, it's all gone to text. A horrible and cold way to communicate.

[@Heavens-Humanaterian-Army]

Thats totally able to be changed thoe....get rid of the fake friends and just start calling the real friends...make the effort to set up dates dinners what ever...just need to be proactive...no one allowed on my friends list unless we actually know or like each other...enjoy what the other is about...can you call them in an emergency and they will help...if there physically able too...life is all about quality...not quantity.

[@abbyxiong3931]

People are too used too use to being on phones and have forgotten what it means to have good communication and have healthy relationship. I am don't have a big following on social media.i do have a small circle. I am fulfilled with great friends in my life. I still stop by my friends and my family. I understand we all get busy and that can sometimes get in the way of spending time together.

[@Bronnyley]

I love doing things on my own.. Bushwalking, movies, road trips... I could ask a friend/family member to join me, but I like being alone. I'm alone - not lonely.

[@sandysmom100]

If you find something meaningful in this life , one won't be so lonely.

[@GLEE36]

Looking for open-minded (intentional) people vs. like-minded people. Now that's an idea 💁‍♀️

[@lorij9649]

Always check your bills! Always check your grocery store receipt. Whole Foods charged me $2.79/lb for lentils recently. I walked right back into the store because lentils are $2.49/lb. When Whole Foods makes a mistake on their charge, they reverse the charge and you get the item for FREE! My mom taught me well! No one cares about your money as much as You Do!

[@kolitiokada9825]

Hey Lori! Yes! Like you, I look at my receipts and bills (grocery store, take-out/fast food, phone, electric, credit card, insurance, etc) - I want to visually double-check where my money is going. And also like you, I have received an item for free when charged the wrong price at check-out.

[@lorij9649]

@@kolitiokada9825 YEA!!! Thank you for letting me know Koliti Okada! We are two peas in a pod! Hello from Virginia Beach!

[@kolitiokada9825]

@@lorij9649 Hey Lori! Hello from AZ! A lot of people may not have turned around for the 30cents/pound difference - all the little stuff adds up, too! Say you overlooked just 50cents/day - that's $182.50!!! I can buy A LOT of chocolate with that ;)

[@kimberlywelch7862]

I have found so many mistakes on my grocery receipts. It pays to check it.

[@jainthorne4136]

Meet Up groups was the first thing that I thought of. So glad to see you mention it. Now about that choosing to stay and love section. I was married for 25 years. At about the 15 year mark my husband stopped treating me as if I mattered. I stuck it out another 10 years trying to make it work. It didn't work and finally I valued myself enough to leave. Best decision I ever made. So, yes it's great if you both choose love but when both don't then don't sell your life short. Give it a strong effort then move on. I should have left 5 years earlier.

[@Heavens-Humanaterian-Army]

I'm happy to hearyour liveing a better life now...I didn't have the guts to leave and I thought allthe issues were my fault...so when he told me guess what sorry I didn't realy love you enough frothed very start but I stayed thinking I might get better...I felt free knowing no matter what I did it wasn't all my fault...he said he didn't break up with me due to knowing we both couldn't afford to move me back home long distance after i moved for him for his work...then he almost cancelled the wedding...then deliberately had kids thinking it will get better ...all the while I thought gee relationships are just way more work than I thought...and I felt ripped off haveing no real love affection communication...never had fun or spent time together...wish he was honest from the start...I want my 13 years back...my goal inlife was get marrieded have all kids to my husband grow old together...got something very different.

[@batirtzeurkiaga1716]

Very very interesting, guys. I just wanna add that nothing has made me more powerful than learning to be alone. I've had unforgettable moments in amazing company and by myself as well. Now that I'm 50 I'm in great harmony on my own and I feel connected to a lot of friends alike, even if I don't see them half as much as I would like to. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@GLEE36]

As soon as it comes out of my mouth..."I should..." STOP! 🧡

[@laurahano7448]

Thank Minimalists and Delony. You helped simplify my life and maximize it.

[@Christina-ds7qk]

I choose my husband everyday. It's such a blessing to have a partner you love. We've been together 5 years now ❤️ be thankful! 🙏

[@kimberlywelch7862]

I went through a breakup in August 2019. By January 2020 I was feeling a lot of pressure to put myself “back out there” and socialize even though I didn’t really want to. When the lockdowns happened I was actually relieved that I didn’t have to go out. I was very content staying home and enjoying my alone time. It gave me the time I needed to process my breakup, rediscover myself and choose my needs before any one else’s.

[@GLEE36]

Thank you for the light-hearted discussion of real-life challenges. I have had many "ah-ha" moments of my personality in just the first 15 mins of this episode. Understanding myself with grace and love. ❤🙌

[@kolitiokada9825]

The world can be quite loud & stupid - my favorite place to be is my craft room! Also, I move in a totally different time reality than my friends - I enjoy the times when we get together & I enjoy my own company.

[@cindihunter9119]

Excellent insights regarding the "taking calls! I've been listening for a couple of weeks now, and am letting go of many unnecessary things... I now realize that things don't define me! I do, by how I value myself, family, and all of the other humans that I come in contact with. Love the content, and I am grateful for the new found freedom I'm experiencing!

[@videohistorysnippets8963]

I’ve spent a lifetime being by myself and enjoying my own company, doing whatever I feel like doing, part of this is because I’m an introvert and never having had the self confidence to mix with others, the other part is due to having a social anxiety condition that’s been so tough to break away from. Living like this for so long now I never really know which part of my life is the pleasure of being alone, but not lonely and which part is me trying to deal with the anxiety and avoiding social situations. Really enjoyed this episode, thanks!

[@lilycat1694]

I can totally relate. Total introvert and makes working around people very difficult. Feel disconnected and invisible.

[@abbyxiong3931]

That's good that you can be fine by yourself. I have days where I really enjoy my time by myself. I also enjoy spending time with people and socializing. I do get anxious socializing especially around men. I am working on it. These podcasts really do help me.

[@videohistorysnippets8963]

@@abbyxiong3931 I should be working on more time socialising but not sure of the best way to do it, I mostly listen to others and ask questions about them but it doesn’t seem that many reciprocate, so I just put it down to this not being in my comfort zone, and then start to look forward to getting back home. Maybe I don’t come across as relaxed and comfortable in social situations. Wishing you well and I agree with you on these podcasts, they help me and have lots of great info.

[@GLEE36]

Joshua's table analogy of Like, love, and lust makes complete sense. Dr. John Delony, I appreciate "my wife thinks I'm a lot." I realize now, that I can be a lot in my relationships, and that's ok. Ryan "we all need some security and certainty" YES. 💯

[@ravenrosewitches]

I always hear impeccable vocabulary and I have found one to offer back! This group is the most powerful didactic inspiration in my life. Thank you for offering so much in my world.

[@LittleBrightLittleMoody]

John telling the predators not to screw this app up for the rest of us kills me. XD Another great episode!

[@grandmasewhappyhomestead187]

Thank you, Minimalists and Dr Deloney. Great wisdom as usual. I walk away always learning and new insight. I used to have tons of friends as I get older notice how people aren't so friendly like years ago. I can have days I feel alone but not lonely. It's what I do with those days make such a difference. I am thankful for you all, feels like I am visiting, but there are days quiet is amazing. But I am found that people enjoy getting phone calls from me , but to get return calls doesn't happen. Yet they get mad and complain when no one calls. After learning from all, I told these people one day I said the problem isn't me, The problem is you would like to complain, which is what I told my friends and not reciprocate. You can't just expect everybody to reach too. You need to pour out other people as well. They actually were thankful that was brought to light. I have told these friends to listen to both of you and they will find change in their lives. But I also have realized i'm not taking on a responsibility that isn't mine to do. I call these friends I check on them, but when I see them post something or when I hear them get irritated. I don't jump in like I used because I realized I was carrying aload that was never mind to carry. These three people live out of state so I don't even get to hang out with them. But I realized and have shared with them when you're so caught up and being lonely and miserable. No one wants to hang around with you. So I challenged them just like I get challenged look at ourselves see what we need to change. I think when we're willing to learn everyday is like going to a day of schooling. That makes a world a beautiful place. I'm gonna pass on the information that you shared to the people. I know that live out of state and see if it will help them

[@TM-nb9zf]

I had at least 4 or 5 different friends mention how lonely they were after the lockdown. They were all single and endlessly scrolling on tinder. A few of them even mentioned the word "desperate" for a partner. And all were very smart attractive people with tons of social media friends.

[@kimgordon3695]

This is a societal Crisis...

[@kimgordon3695]

Sex'tPool™ 🤣🤣🤣

[@koreanrainbow4723]

12 pm new episode. The fastest I refreshed. GREETINGS FROM POLAND 👍

[@magdalenamajka798]

Też ich lubię 😁

[@rcpinzonjr]

Today is 9 June 2022. I finally listed to this podcast. I know why I never delete them, even if I fall behind. The information, happiness, jocularity and emotion that is expressed was incredible. Thanks for this!

[@mariacherrington61920]

My dad used to tell me n my brother; I always love you, but sometimes I just don't like you

[@upnorth316]

Don't outsource your life. BAM! Love it

[@SFoureman]

From one Stacy to Another It's highly likely that she sees her "plethora of acquaintances" as meaning-less connections; and, is looking to shore up a more quality group of like-minded friends. It's about not flowing with what comes our way, due to region; rather, pursuing our true interests and finding folks that we have real, authentic connections with---a common ground. What are her interests? ...hobbies? ...education? Where would she prefer to hang out? The local music shop, festivals; the library, college; farms and nurseries; old folks homes and churches? The common ground of personal interest will create the natural connection.

[@kristyleavitt8007]

Great episodes! I really like that you often have on people from Ramsey! There’s always a great exchange of ideas between you two and them 😊

[@elaine-65]

Me hubby and I met at a department store at 17 and 19 .40 years ago. Going on our 34 anniversary next day. Kids all grown.

[@tonebone2895]

Thank you guys for making these videos/podcasts. We really appreciate it! You say what others subconsciously think more often than not.

[@FG-fn9fx]

Hi minimalists! I noticed that you seemed to think Stacey was wondering how many friends she should have and/or felt compelled by someone else to reduce her friend count. I wonder if Stacey could have meant that SHE wants to have fewer friends. I personally feel overwhelmed by the number of connections I have and people I love. I don't want to cut ties with any of these people but I also feel exhausted when I fill my schedule with social engagements. What would you say to someone who wants to have fewer obligations but loves the friends they have?

[@GLEE36]

LOVE your mission of educating middle school and high school students in Dayton, Ohio. VALUABLE and meaningful time helping others. I couldn't relate to high school economics, it was missing the real-life examples. No wonder so many of us (especially me) have entered the real world with financial challenges wondering...what happened?

[@accolade37]

Wow. That would be great to offer financial training to the people of Dayton Ohio. What a great idea!

[@kresnerfesta.rosa-abueg6991]

Sending love from the 🇵🇭 love your podcasts and videos ❤️ I appreciate you guys so much 💟

[@lilycat1694]

I am most lonely around people.

[@JaTurtle515]

Such a good episode!

[@HananBenNafa]

Great episode, thank you guys :) love you.

[@langers3511]

I'm 36 I put a lot of self worth into if I was in a relationship, my past relationships did not work out ive been used and cheated on. I find myself very lonely especially when I'm in a empty house, it seems with social media and dating apps has made people disposable in a way. At the moment I'm trying to work out what I'm going to do in the aspect of being single can't afford to buy a property on my own and I want to grow, but with society being designed for couples and not single in a lot of aspects makes things a lot harder. Everyone that I know are in relationships have kids etc, i really want someone to grow with. Now a days my time is majority is working and keeping fit looking after myself I'm always looking forward but I seems to struggle at times on and off with seeing majority of relationships around me.

[@easyzu4222]

I can totally relate to you! Just keep going, please don't give up on (being)love and kindness.

[@langers3511]

@@easyzu4222 yeah absolutely I'm always going to be looking and moving forward with everything in that aspect as well for sure ☺️

[@GreyRock100]

If you're a man and you're not at least 6ft tall, and real fucking good looking, then you're going to be alone.

[@mariacherrington61920]

@@GreyRock100 hugs. Women feel that way to, lots if us feel like if we don't look like a Victoria Secret model that we will never find someone

[@GreyRock100]

@@mariacherrington61920 If you're a woman and you can't find someone it's because your standards are too high. No woman is truly alone, they just don't see short guys.

[@Meemee-mo5it]

Gratitude club! Thanks John!

[@Pookie._.bear._.1]

I still think dr. John needs to learn about what introverts are. I did like what John said on this episode though and I agree with most. I disagree when you said about the person that watches tv every night until pass out is bad for some people. I did have one lady that we met every day while our kids played and I will admit it was awesome and now she’s gone. It completed my life, meaning I enjoyed life by myself doing things by myself all day. Ounce she left, that one hour messed with the rest of my day. I needed that hour of talk to complete the rest of my day by my self. Really interesting. I’m getting by right now because I remember when I was suicidal 15 years ago and I’m nowhere near that bad now. 15 years ago I got out of a mental state of being suicidal every day to a snap of the fingers where I was thriving in life as a introvert. Something got me out of being suicidal, not a person.

[@shannensaito9746]

People have failed me so many times. Im having a hard time trusting again

[@maryssaann]

I understand that. I’ve given a couple friendships a new fresh perspective that fell apart but a lot of people I’ve lost in life have been because they find out I have different beliefs than them, mostly political. The world is so loud and noisy but also very isolating and lonely. I’m approaching 30 with mostly just my husband and three boys (soon to be four). Evaluating my life and why it’s gone the way it has thus far is on my priority list this year. Best of luck to you! ❤️

[@carloscastanyeda]

I'm 36 I've been alone the whole time. My brain feels cold. I was shunned since elementary found two friend that turned out to drink and do coke. After that I just didn't know how to hang with people.

[@JulieStevenson752]

Meetup is the bomb

[@LOLA-kr7vn]

There's a HUGE difference between being lonely and being in solitude! Loneliness is PAINFUL Solitude is PEACE. Learn the difference. When you are alone and are enjoying your home, are enjoying the cup of coffee and book that your reading, are enjoying pampering yourself, are enjoying working on your home , are grateful for everything you have and don't feel lack of anything...that is solitude. You enjoy your time with yourself. Loneliness is when you have a wonderful story to tell and you come home and there's no one there and ohh how you wish there was. Or how you treat people like you want to be treated so you call, and you text, and you comment, and you share, and you invite but nobody does these for you and you notice and it hurts. When you see all these happy couples...so you try to be proactive and get out there to meet new people in hopes of finding a mate and... nothing. And it hurts. When you are home and you feel the walls closing in and it suffocate the breath out of you. When you walk through your home touching the walls... just to feel something touching you back. That's painful.

[@Meemee-mo5it]

"What are your bare necessities to feel secure."

[@mariacherrington61920]

Great episode guys ❤❤ I think the Pandemic has really changed the way we interact with other ppl as well. That n how ppl use technology to communicate with each other could be a whole podcast 😀😀

[@sandysmom100]

Yup it is very real not just for adults, but children also. My daughter can't have any friends to visit. One had got covid twice , he never knew cuz he had no symptoms. These are special needs adults.

[@FreeSpirit47]

Most likely there are as many aspects to being lonely as there are people. Many will love things while using people, in place of loving people while using things. This is a great environment for predatory people. With 80% of people's interactions being online or ways other than face to face in person, this also adds to people's feelings of isolation. With the aftermath of what has been going on since 2019, people working from home or losing employment, it adds to the level of stress, worldwide.

[@TenTenJ]

The older I get the easier a time I have making new friends.

[@jenniferhodgson1114]

Your all very impressive!!!

[@josephgarcia88]

What is the name and artist of the song at the very end “ every little thing “?

[@TheMinimalistsPodcast]

Peter Doran. ❤️

[@d.zyned2thrive584]

If I saw you in public I'd probably just be too shy to say hi🤷. It's not that I don't care that it's you. At least that's how I've acted when seeing elite runners at races. There's a good change I'd get up the courage with you two now that I think about it, I've read your books, watched tons of videos, and I'm confident you'd appreciate meeting someone who has benefited from your content, as opposed to annoyed (can you tell from my comment that I also had a more difficult than average childhood?🤣).

[@danasmith8292]

I’m an istj also. Cool.

[@TM-nb9zf]

Also. Bumble has a platonic side for friendships!

[@LJKR804]

I met a good friend on Bumble BFF!

[@TM-nb9zf]

@@LJKR804 wow thats good to hear. Im trying that side of bumble too. Looking for platonic friends and its been hard!

[@LJKR804]

@@TM-nb9zf it is, good luck!

[@kimgordon3695]

33:33 lead leg #Push is the mantra of human harvesting. 😪😪😪

[@kimgordon3695]

Identify your 3 worst enemies...

[@elaine-65]

Check out the comedian John Crist. He is hysterical.

[@salinasmith928]

Josh, found you in a video today walking across the beach: kzbin.info/www/bejne/iHmYiaV3bbaKpas around 5:40

[@kimgordon3695]

401k collapsed Monday. ✓✓✓

[@kimgordon3695]

Big pH cashed in™

[@kimgordon3695]

Walk down Ur street; make friends

[@kimgordon3695]

Play Pink Floyd 1st

[@kimgordon3695]

The story We tell ourselves needs to be retired. 💞

[@kimgordon3695]

Soulmates DoNotExist! 17:00

[@kimgordon3695]

Choose love over limmerence.

[@kimgordon3695]

19:31 I can Love You & Not like what you've chosen...

[@erikad2717]

Strip club joke @ 4:27 🤮

[@peachesandpoets]

In the words of Albert ellis, don't go shoulding all over yourself!

[@knitnkitten]

Toastmasters. you will make friends there - and learn cool stuff.