Everything I Got Wrong About Relationships *AS AN AVOIDANT*

[@magenta3037]

my avoidant ass was about to avoid this video haha

[@iamjadefox]

😂😂😂

[@syndcte]

lmaooo

[@echo7188]

too real 😭

[@niablee]

Saaaaaaaame 😂

[@haileygg6]

Ong 😭😭

[@WhySoShayD]

Avoidants love honesty until it results in vulnerability. We don’t like to give people anything they can use to hurt ridicule or reject us.

[@mingismelon9675]

.... well damn

[@eveleene3613]

Why are you so loud??

[@WhySoShayD]

@@eveleene3613 I’m a therapist 😅

[@eveleene3613]

@@WhySoShayD xD ah, makes perfect sense

[@graciesweeney8259]

Are you my therapist? I swear she said exactly this to me

[@vickell2887]

Abusers will often gaslight a child to believe that the anger/sadness they feel is not valid. This makes them vulnerable to abuse later in life because 1) manipulation has been normalized and 2) children think their emotional system is broken/inaccurate and repress it. When they later try to form adult relationships they are “flying blind”. They can’t tell the difference between healthy/unhealthy communication and ignore the signals their emotions send them if they are being mistreated. Without the tools to tell the difference between a safe/unsafe person, some feel vulnerable and err on the side of caution by maintaining emotional distance as a default, just in case someone turns out to be unsafe. Without processing emotions and understanding your rights to boundaries, it’s impossible to figure out whether someone can be trusted. You stay trapped in a state of mistrust, even if someone is trustworthy. The best thing you can do is repair your trust in your emotions by understanding that the signals were never broken and study what manipulation looks like enough to feel confident that you will know it when you see it

[@iamjadefox]

Well said ❤️

[@rashidasmama]

Thank you ❤

[@SisiphoAmelieLeeZinja]

Brilliant 😅

[@kail.ahhl.]

this will happen at any age especially high school and its really damaging and draining

[@woodhullchick]

❤

[@CheRhys]

Interdependence is the goal. Two whole beings gladly choosing to be in relationship with the other while being able to just BE on our own.

[@bunelocke4371]

Interdependence is when you aren't able to be on your own

[@iluvcreep]

@@bunelocke4371no, that’s codependence

[@bunelocke4371]

@@iluvcreep oops

[@a.morujo6073]

i think capitalism and individualism has made us all have this idea that hyper-indepence is good and we've forgotten that humans are social beings so we *inherently* need each other, we need support systems, we need community, we need -found or not- family, and i mean nets of support, not just one person, and that working as teams, doing things for each other, helping, delegating, asking for and doing favors, etc. is beneficial and it doesn't take away our freedom, it gives us more bc we're not tied down by 100% of our responsibilities and decisions and tasks

[@iamjadefox]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@srose1088]

I see this happen in the way people talk sometimes. People will describe everyone in their community as strangers, but they do need to be strangers.

[@bellastar1299]

PUT THIS ON A BILLBOARD IN EVERY MAJOR CITY!!!

[@ang3lb3ll3]

i wish everyone could read this.

[@ang3lb3ll3]

we were made for community. made for loving. it’s heart breaking to see the distance we create in our communities.

[@EmberCrow]

“I was so bold to be secure in my insecurities.” That’s actually very beautiful and very scary to people.

[@monikabennett]

This sort of smacks of the French thought--if you ask a French person how they're growing out what they're working on themselves, they say nothing. That they like themselves the way they are 💖

[@RayvenMichelle]

JESUS!! I was NOT ready for this line! "None of asked to be yet we're here. So why are we signing up for things WE DON'T WANT!!!???!!!" 😭

[@Fearlessly-Kristen]

Sameeee! I just wrote it on my mirror so I don’t forget it.

[@anakinz11]

I said “period💅🏼” 😂😂

[@alf8569]

im so avoidant that i dont even date. it will be a long journey for me but im hopeful. thanks for your sharing your wisdom, it helps more than you know.

[@smileyface702]

Why does dating always have to be the goal? I feel like we're always devaluing other types of intimacy when we place romantic love on this holy pedestal. Am I on to something here or am I just so deeply avoidant that I have some major lack of awareness here?

[@Dubu131]

@@smileyface702I struggle with this too. On one hand, I’m like I shouldn’t solely focus on being in a relationship but I do feel like I’m missing out tbh and I have to face being avoidant. Personally, I feel like at some point I have to date and be in a relationship. Or find a group of people who don’t prioritize romantic relationships and would prioritize friendships. But I feel like that’s hard to find. As my friends are getting married, having children etc. It’s like they’re focused on that so it’ll be hard to maintain our relationship at times.

[@abuslang5715]

for me its just that "whats the chance of me finding somebody who i click with by dating?"

[@user-iv1my2tp5b]

Same. The idea of dating no matter how “healthy” seems overindulgent and purposeless

[@iguessimryan]

How do you show up in friendships then? I've been tending to my inklings of avoidance by not running from conflict with friends if they hurt me or If I fail to confront them about their ignorance or using bad judgment.

[@maijennasis]

“you do not have to be higher than anyone to have a good life” I really love that

[@MJ-oq6sm]

“’I’m not a people person, but I’m a “People.” person” -Jade *introverted sigh* finally someone gets it😌

[@LoJo7]

A bar fr

[@Rizzal169]

What does this mean?

[@Bepetoni]

​@Rizzal169 21:40

[@cloudslady3400]

Trueeee most introverted individuals see the whole picture of a human being because they leave enough space to observe the truth of someone else

[@MJ-oq6sm]

YAAAAAASSSSS!!!

[@jivetalk2884]

my boyfriend recently expressed to me that he feels unloved and like our relationship is one-sided. it's honestly bc im stuck in a cycle of avoidance/fierce independence and i need to accept that, as well as his love and care. you called me tf out and i needed it. thank you so much 😭 & remember yall WHAT KEPT YOU SAFE IN THE FIRE WILL NOT HELP YOU THRIVE IN THE GARDEN

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

I wonder if you can relate: When I met my husband, he was: • 24 years old • assertively over confident about his abilities, • not self reflective so had unreliable memory (more than normal) and • was quickly triggered into episodes of rage. *At the same time*, he was: • extraordinarily accommodating (to others but to me especially) so he was kind and extremely romantic • regressive and withdrawn when faced with concepts that made him feel intellectually inferior. As opposed to engaged and curious; wanting to know more. As a highly traumatized 21 year old in the 2009 era, I knew nothing about how complicated being a human being was so it wasn’t immediately obvious how volatile his personality actually was because all of his traits wouldn’t manifest at the same time. In addition to that, I thought his personality was the archetype of “a man” so I felt as if I was supposed to accept it. Though, intuitively, I didn't feel a sense of *trust* around him and one of my only traits that I feel secure about is my gut instinct. So even though people around me praise Nick for his romanticism, his attentiveness and kindness, they also accepted his ignorance, arrogance and rage. And gave this vibe that, on his bad days, it must be something that I was doing and not a consequence of his trauma and his maladaptive coping mechanisms. One of the main reasons why I didn’t feel safe around him was because he indiscriminately told EVERYONE about EVERYTHING (*honesty*, I guess?) but, he never communicated how he felt about any of those things, or what he believed or what his perspective on any particular subject. It’s difficult to notice these glaring limitations in someone or yourself when you’re young so there we were. Nevertheless, he pursued me carefully and respectfully. Always accepting my boundaries. Admiring them, even. Probably because, at the time, neither of us understood that *he didn’t know how to set his own boundaries.* But was so kind to me in so many ways so I eventually let him in. And because he was open to exploring the extreme double standards in his own value system whenever we entered that territory, my gut instinct informed me that there was potential for us to grow together. But like you, I always kept *1 foot up the door* and, as a result, was hyper-dependent as a 21 year old who had never experienced what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. And! I was 100% honest about my intentions and position. That I was willing to quit the relationship if I felt trapped or too overwhelmed. However! I was also *transparent*. I took every opportunity to articulate my feelings and why I thought I was feeling them and tried to understand how he was feeling. On the flip side, he really had a hard time being honest about his thoughts or transparent about his feelings. Though, the one thing he occasionally expressed was feeling *unloved* because he thought I was too cold and closed off during conflicts. Even though it was clear that he had some serious walls up and had an extraordinarily difficult time putting in the intellectual and emotional work to access his own thoughts and feelings so that he could articulate them. Needless to say, my husband and I were both a toxic, traumatized version of ourselves when we met each other in our early 20s. We eventually began identifying our trauma and triggers and started trying to heal so that we can become the best versions of ourselves for ourselves and for each other. My journey was happening much faster and, my motivation to explore myself, others & him was more intense so I made progress faster. 15 years later, we are now in a more wholesome and equitable relationship where we both express ourselves honestly and transparently but for about 12/15 years, I kept a mental/emotional distance because our individual journeys towards healing happened at different speeds. And even though I loved him and empathized with the challenges he faced, I had to protect myself since I had been suffering from clinical Depression and Panic Disorder for much of my late teens into my late 20s. He was making progress and I wanted to help him but I knew I couldn’t rely on him. And that was a real challenge for me because it felt lonely that my partner that I was choosing every day (and who was also choosing me surely) couldn’t effectively “see me” because he wasn’t progressing as quickly. But as I kept progressing, my level of empathy for myself, for him, for others really reached new levels. *Which I didn’t expect!* It was just… happening to me. So even though I was still hyper dependent, meaning emotionally independent, I didn’t have a single thought of “1 foot out the door” and I was able to really show up in a whole new way for him and pretty much, for everyone in my orbit. *Today, the work has paid off.* I no longer have to be hyper dependent (in my relationship with my partner at least) but it took quite a long investment of me healing myself from my traumas and triggers and being able to empathize with and help him to find healing as well.

[@kadelu1137]

Your comment just smacked me into oblivion. Thank you

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

@@kadelu1137 did you mean mine? And in what context? Because I just re-read my comment and realized how many typos were littered in there. I don’t think any one could understand it 😅 so I re-edited for any future readers. But the original comment *smacked me* HARD.

[@RepentImmediately]

As someone who operates from a mindset of tomorrow not being promised to anyone and therefore do my best to make sure the people I love know, everyday, that I love them, it amazes me how much some people take the people they allegedly care about for granted.... people like this often try for years to get me back in their life after they couldn't do the very bare minimum that I asked them to do to show that they care. The best thing you can do for an Avoidant is leave them. Serious pain that results from their own choices is their only chance for growth.

[@nowaclark]

@@RepentImmediately I don’t completely agree with that statement because my husband was a terrible avoidant when I met him and he grew without me having to leave him. We’re not in a 15 year, very successful relationship. We both had our traumas & triggers that we worked together to heal from. I empathize with Avoidants. Those of us who aren’t avoidants have our traumas and coping mechanisms that manifest in a different way and deserves to be empathized with just as much as they do. It’s different, ofc, if people don’t want to explore what their issues are and actively work on them. I met a young woman who was also a terrible avoidant when I met her and through a kind of empathetic investigation of her that I “conducted”, she actually in on a serious healing journey and doing much better. No one had to leave her for her to start making changes. And typically, the trauma of being dumped doesn’t do much for avoidants actually finding a solution for the root problem. It just adds to the list of traumas they’re collecting along their life’s journey and not properly addressing. Yea, they may want you back desperately but them wanting you back is not a reflection of them healing from the list of traumas triggering them into avoidant coping mechanisms. That being said, if one is not healed, or healing, from their own traumas and capable of high levels of empathy for a person they care about who is an avoidant, it is definitely NOT worth being in a relationship with them. And if the avoidant, or anyone with maladaptive coping mechanisms, isn’t eager to explore their own inner life and become deeply connected with their own experiences, it is definitely not worth being in a relationship. Which is unfortunate to use the word “worth” but at the end of the day, each of us have a responsibility to our selves, once we’re adults, to pursue our own healing. And it’s our responsibility to not get dragged down by circumstances we actually have control over. Ours and ours alone.

[@nyahsaidso]

jade you freaking pierced something in me when you said “i actually would like to not be independent for a day or two…let someone else think about if i’ve eaten that day” ALRIGHT the way i barked at my phone….i just…trusting that ppl care about me in that way just feels so ickyyyy ughhhh

[@abes2758]

As an anxious avoidant (yep I’m all sorts of fucked up lol) does it really make you feel icky to know someone genuinely loves you? Can I ask why? Seeking to understand as my ex avoidant I feel also felt that and I just can’t wrap my head around it. I wasn’t sure how to be in the end

[@nina-w]

I'll try to explain - If you're looking for a deeper explanation a youtuber named Damon Dominique made a podcast recently explaining his feelings about being avoidant and he summed it up really well. when someone cares for you they expect things of you, and your life intertwines with their, you get "bound" to them or beholden to them. it comes with restrictions of freedom. it comes with responsibilities. that's terrifying + stifling for avoidants - or "icky" - as they often struggle with trusting people, so that "intertwining" of lives with another person makes them feel unsafe. it feels like a gamble to actually need someone and depend on them. avoidant people tend to have a positive image of self and negative image of others - which is the reverse of anxious people. that makes avoidant people easy to turn off and actually very critical of other people as a whole. the whole "he gave me the ick" thing is a good example of that. Their feelings can be a little more fleeting, and their attachments a little more fragile, because they always know they have themselves to fall back on. This can even lead to them preemptively sabotaging their relationships for no good reason. Someone close to me does this all the time - Develops a good connection, but one minor "slip-up" (like using an odd phrase over text, being a little slow to reply) and you're out. blocked, deleted. Sometimes the slip-ups are totally fictional lmao. because of all this, commitment can be hard for them to stomach. One foot in one foot out like Jade says. Hope that makes sense. @@abes2758

[@nyahsaidso]

⁠​⁠@@abes2758i feel you, i have patterns of fearful avoidance so i really really want someone to just take over and show up for me how i show up for everyone else but i also don’t fully trust that that could happen for me so i engage in push/pull dynamics that actually don’t get me closer to what i really want bc that internal conflict is still driving the boat. you have to work thru it in relationships honestly and i’ve been more vulnerable in sharing that struggle with friends but in romance as Jade said its kinda like you’re already one foot out the door “just in case”

[@nyahsaidso]

@@abes2758i think it may be maladaptive self-concepts of “i don’t deserve XYZ” “i was only allowed to show up in XYZ way” etc, especially since our attachment styles are formed while we are young BUT they can be remolded as we get older with practice and patience and in trustworthy relationships… it takes some real deep thought and uprooting things our bodies and minds could be protecting us from but inevitably need to be unpacked if we want the healthy and freeing relationships we truly crave. its fucked up, but that’s kind of part of taking control of your life 😅

[@bandile712]

@@abes2758 This has nothing to do with what you asked and I’m also not trying to come at you, but stop wearing your attachment style or making it your identity. Your attachment style doesn’t make you more or less “damaged”, “fucked up” or even cool as the next person. With that mentality we just end up in the same situation with people not wanting to be vulnerable. We are all human and have our own issues, mine don’t make me better or less valuable than you and vice versa. But anyway I wish you nothing but success and love 🙏🏿❤️

[@sharshar29]

“Put something on that babies head!!” 😂😂😂😂😂

[@hana9466]

The way this part came up as I read this and I died laughing

[@nataliewilliams1932]

She’s so stupid 🤣😂🤣😂

[@sanalikesauna]

boundaries do not equal walls!!!!! preach

[@slloyd5124]

.... I'm not necessarily controlling my emotions, but I'm controlling my reactions and people don't know how I feel until I tell them.🤷🏾‍♀️

[@stephe1506]

Ohhhh ouch thank you for this

[@Moon_Goddess717]

Which is when it’s all vomited out in anger which it totally unfair because the opportunity to fix things was not offered.

[@slloyd5124]

@@Moon_Goddess717 Controlling my reactions doesn't mean suppressing my anger. I try not to explode and say things I regret or become so angry that I can't say what I mean. I'm not perfect, but I am verbally quick wit the shits, the dozens, cake or whatever you call it. I try to be cognizant of that because I can cook somebody real quick and be mad at myself later. Because either I went too far or didn't say what I wanted to say.

[@Ren-cp3tn]

​@@slloyd5124 This is me as well, it just sucks and my trauma response also complicates things aka shutting down emotions and over compartmentalizing because I don't want to say or do something I regret because I'm too emotional at the moment.

[@tanishathomas7540]

“I will not be your guinea pig on your road to self reflection” that part is so real so many of use allow our partners and friends to take their stress and baggage and place it on our shoulders.

[@amystubby]

Honesty has an agenda. Something to defend, something to prove. Transparency just is.

[@bxrosie04]

Fellow avoidant here. Often, the hyper-independence gives us a (false) feeling of safety and security since actually being vulnerable feels entirely too risky, much like in childhood when we were the most vulnerable and our parents and/or guardians utterly failed us (thanks, CPTSD!). As kids, we learned to disconnect and dissociate so that the pain of not being seen/heard/loved as we should’ve been wouldn’t hurt as much. It was a great survival strategy then, but a terrible strategy now as adults! 😅 We still involve ourselves with folks b/c we’re still humans aka inherently social animals; that need for social connection then clashes with the deep wounds and conditioning of our pasts and makes for one hell of a balancing act. In my late 30s and I still struggle to be confidently vulnerable w/ people who have proven they love me and it does worry me that one day they’ll be fed up and bounce. I’m working on it though, one day at a time. Thanks so much for your beautiful self-reflection! ❤

[@nideahudson]

Well said 💯🙌🏾🤞🏾

[@TheD_Avoidant]

Verrrry Well Said! I Wish There Was More Compassion For Us 🥲

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

To the point about “avoidant”, I’m wondering. I have a 15 year healthy relationship so far but i identify with your “1 foot out the door” and “100% honest” approach to relationships. You know like I always let my partners know that I didn’t NEED any one and never tried to sugar coat my thoughts about anything BUUUUT I was also very transparent so I’m not sure if that would classify me as an “avoidant”. 🤔 I have to think on that. My husband and I were both at toxic, traumatized version of our selves when we met each other in our early 20s. Back in the 2009 era when “toxic” and “setting boundaries” didn’t enter the conversations that we were exposed to and so weren’t part of our frame of thinking or processing. Nevertheless, we (mostly me) then began identifying our trauma and triggers and started trying to heal so that we can become the best versions of ourselves for ourselves and for each other. My journey was happening much faster and my motivation to explore my self, others & him was more intense so I made progress faster. 15 years later, we are in a more wholesome and equitable relationship where we both express fully but for about 12 years, i definitely kept a mental distance because our individual journeys towards healing happened at different speeds. And even though I loved him and empathized with the challenges he faced, i had to protect myself since i had been suffering from clinical Depression and Panic Disorder for much my late teens and 20s. And that was a real challenge for but it felt lonely that my partner that i was choosing every day (and who was also choosing me surely) couldn’t effectively “see me” because he wasn’t progressing as quickly. But as I kept progressing, my level of empathy for my self, for him, for others really reached new levels. Which I didn’t expect. It was just happening to me. So even though I was still hyper dependent but without a single thought of “1 foot out the door” and I was able to really show up in a whole new way for everyone in my orbit. I no longer have to be hyper dependent (in my relationship with my partner at least) but it took quite a long investment of me healing and helping him to find healing. Ultimately just wondering what your thoughts are on “avoidant but transparent” behavior in response to the reality that we a surrounded by so many people who are, themselves, unsealed and festering in their own traumas/maladaptive coping mechanisms?

[@EmberCrow]

I haven’t dated an avoidant that leaned toward honesty. It seemed like they avoided conflict at all costs.

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

Same! I am married to a reformed avoidant, 15 years, and at the beginning he avoided conflict at ALL COSTS. Most of them I meet are like that.

[@addieblanchard2228]

Same!

[@carolinelaronda4523]

All the avoidants I have experienced lie their ass off to avoid accountability, conflict , and ass whoppings ect…

[@UrbanWild-Sam]

I divorced mine sadly. Hope he figures it out, but I couldn't grow with someone that couldn't look at the ugly weeds in the garden.

[@AreYouNormalBass]

oh lord as a hyper independent person this was super cathartic. hard, but cathartic. we're all just out here trying our best and missing the point a little bit aren't we 😂

[@The_pillow_fort]

Love-bombing as an avoidant helped me avoid the terrible reality that i can be a difficult and undesirable partner. It also helped me believe that if i carried the romance all on my own itll prevent the inevitable fate of feeling forced to be there. Im working on it, and ive stopped doing this, but the avoidant tendencies persist.

[@JesseEko]

This ! You just described my last relationship. I’m also doing the work to be better

[@The_pillow_fort]

@@JesseEko working towards being better is all we can do. Good on you for recognizing what needed to change :)

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

Holy mother, you just described my husband, who is a reformed “avoidant”. Which required a tremendous of energy on my part (nearly 15 years worth) but i think it’s so necessary for partners to understand “avoidants” and realize that our brains are ruling us and our coping mechanisms are our safety mechanisms not a tool to betray the other. My husband was the most loving, most romantic, most accommodating (mostly to me) human there was which really made others envy my relationship. But thankfully I didn’t allow him to spoil me or make me believe that such a reality is sustainable on his part. At the same time, I noticed that his sweet loving over accommodating personality came with a side of really intense rage outburst that were indiscriminately triggered. Could be a small thing or a big thing so essentially, most things. Which was also not sustainable on his part. When i say “not sustainable”, i mean for his mental health and balance. But his avoidant tendencies were so hard to break even though he wanted a break from them. They kept him in a dissociated state of being and he was often detached from his own perspectives on things. It’s wonderful to hear that you are doing the work. As for me, I naturally assert my thoughts and feelings and I am very transparent and I naturally put a lot of energy into trying to understand how the other person feels and thinks. Which was never received well by avoidants because, well, they want to avoid. My husband, thankfully always valued that about me but in the heat of the moment he absolutely hated it. Which, thankfully, for both of us, didn’t stop me from expressing myself and exploring what he wasn’t expressing. We tried therapists briefly but it wasn’t very effective so we did much of the work with each other. I hope you find dedicated connections with others that you can discover mutual understanding with.

[@Chantusyluvmuzik]

@@nonFluencerNoWa wow this give me hope .. currently in a relationship with a avoidant and it is sooo hard at times But patience and learning more about this attachment style Has helped me .. this was needed that it is gonna be tough but it can happen .. ❤

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

@@Chantusyluvmuzik it can definitely happen. *especially* if you are both super open to the realities of how you cope with stressors and want to address them if those coping mechanisms aren’t helpful. ♥️

[@danajones7934]

Basically I realized that my hyper independence was due to the realization early on in life, that I’m really out here by myself. My father and older sister as narcs and I never had any real emotional support or stability in family.. I was the invisible scapegoat. I either didn’t exist or I was the one who was blamed for everything . Now I just keep my world very small and I bounce at the first sign of someone trying to play me. Sadly, I know that even my closest relationships are pretty shallow cause you can’t hurt what you don’t know.

[@GaylynLareese]

I always say " I'm not a people person but I care about humanity". I don't really be outside though lol

[@plaidshirt1517]

Me.

[@luanakiehl1475]

To put a word to what you’re describing in “honesty” vs “transparency” is “vulnerability”! :) Become vulnerable to underlying feelings to what you’re communicating, requires self reflection and courage

[@Alexa-uk8lj]

As someone who loves to attach but always attracts love-bombing avoidants (almost turning me into an avoidant myself) it's affirming to see an avoidant get it. Life is SO MUCH more enjoyable when you have a person/people who show up for you and you can do the same. The world feels warmer and obstacles are easier to overcome. It's like a gift that keeps on giving.

[@anitaasworldd]

This was much needed. I can admit that I have a tendency to take pride in my hyper independence and not needing ppl but the truth is that I'm just afraid to be hurt, rejected, or disappointed. We working through it though!

[@Bepetoni]

I repeated "I don't need you" so much last years that I believed it. This bred so much distrust towards others and even myself in me. I still wish I didn't need connections with others - it's so rare to meet someone I feel safe with. And fellow adults keep screaming how real relationships need to be hard and bothersome actually 🧐 Ugh.

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

I used to believe that stereotype, that “real relationships need to be hard” but it’s not true. Any two people coming together to share the madness of Life’s journey will be entering the relationship with baggage/trauma, there is no doubt. The difficult part is if you both are compatible enough to untangle your own trauma and each other’s trauma together. That’s difficult and challenging. For sure. If you’re compatible, and over time your intuition will make this clear to you, the journey will be insanely rough but the patience for each other during the process will be, for the most part, endless. No doubt one person will wanna quit prematurely. That happens all the time. Probably all the time. With every couple. But your intuition will be able to guide if you each want to find your own personal healing to be your best selves for your selves and for each other. It doesn’t work as well if you both don’t pursue understanding the level of your own traumas and how your brain copes with it and how your brain perceives the world. But ultimately, when you find the healing, the real relationship you’ve had up until that point suddenly gets realer, the deep trust and love and comfort and security that you experience, is not at all hard and bothersome. It feels effortless and flexible and open and new and experimental and safe. I completely understand you expressing your distrust out loud. If you are surrounded by toxic people who are pursuing their own self healing and their toxicity is constantly infecting you, it would make sense why you have such strong feelings. I am still very much a loner and hyper dependent in my social life so I relate to what you’re saying so much and I’ve done all these same things except not trusting myself. This is one experience I can’t really relate to. But I realized that it’s extraordinarily difficult for each of us to pursue our healing so much of us don’t. Mostly because we don’t know how to because it is an extremely complicated process that takes several years, decades even. So most of us just end up becoming more and more toxic with maladaptive coping mechanisms. And those are of us that are trying to find healing are constantly interrupted by those people because they outnumber people who are pursuing healing. Which makes it even more difficult to feel safe and really trust connections. But once you’ve found your healing, you can build connections with anyone, receive help and give help to them, without being infected by any toxicity that they may still carry. And in terms of romantic relationships, finding someone who wants to heal and who wants to hammer out their feelings and experiences with you and who can be lenient with the concepts of bad and good during your healing process will really go a long way for you while you’re on your journey of healing. ❤

[@ellenhabteyonas7383]

transition era has me suffering, emotional turbulence all around 😭 ive really been resonating with all your videos lately

[@loratopeloewetse8492]

Honestlyy.. like how are we all going through this in real time 😂 But it's comforting to know that I'm not alone

[@kidkardiac]

same

[@xmegzillax]

Can relate pretty fiercely

[@xdhamodeld]

Are you in my life right now?!! I’m literally at the stage in my life where I had to ask myself why am I going so hard at wanting to be so independent! It’s because I don’t trust anyone and the only person I want to depend on is myself…everything you said in this video is spot on.

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

Trust is definitely a difficult thing to achieve within another human being. It takes a very long time to cultivate a level of transparency between two people where they both completely secure.

[@kaizenkennn]

“LEAVEE EM IN THE LOSSST AND FOoouuUND” 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@Mariah-co2ct]

😂😂

[@chellegsellscars783]

Transparency offers a conversation….i love that

[@kidkardiac]

yesssssss like i don't even want to be bothered with people who have not committed to becoming a better person. shit is for the birds and I'm good

[@deezname6417]

I was watching this and realized: "*smacks lips* I might be an avoidant..."

[@tiffanywade9274]

Haha same.

[@LoJo7]

Literally said this point yesterday, so the fact that this was recommended to me is such confirmation. I absolutely can not be around people who are afraid to face that they may genuinely be a terrible person. Like you SUCK (said with love), and we must be willing to face that and go through those feelings, or we'll never grow. Ugh, yes to the whole video!

[@brownsongbird]

oh Lord! This was so spot on. I'm an Anxious Avoidant and the one foot in one foot out is so real. What sucks for me though is on one hand, I'll be all for that independence and knowing that I have the security of myself but my anxious side desperately wants to be vulnerable and depend on others and feel seen/heard. So it's a constant back and forth. I think it's hard though because it's not like we got these attachment issues from nowhere. We've learned to be this way to survive previous treatment so it's really a long (possibly lifelong?) process of demolishing those beliefs and creating new ones. Figuring out how to thrive instead of just surviving. I really appreciate you sharing this Jade and in general all your transparency recently ❤.

[@AustriaJ]

Exactly THIS ❤

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

I second! ❤ Good luck @brownsongbird

[@aylaa4774]

I’m also anxious-avoidant. Can relate to this.

[@eev14]

Absolutely, I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents, I also was given a lot of responsibility from a young age to take care of my little brother. I felt abandoned and alone a lot as a kid and teenager despite living with family because my emotions were never a priority, as an adult I didn't want to feel like that ever again (my sorrows being ignored) so whenever times are tough I fall back on isolation. I don't reach out for help, I don't ask for comfort because in my mind if I never ask I can't be hurt.. But in a healthy mature relationship I don't need to worry about someone not meeting my emotional needs. I don't doubt that it's a lifelong process but I want to change this mindset.

[@_earthvisitor333]

The first avoidant person i see speak so freely and honest. Currently dating one and it drove me nuts when we fucking connected on every universal level to hear later that he wants to focus on hisself and has not the capacity for a relationship or the slowly way towards that. Like whyy y'all like that. I am literally so chill and supporting and accepting because myself i need also time and i work a lot on myself but when it comes to feelings y'all just fucking shut the damn door like a tornado is coming. Nothing is gonna change when we grow together and give eachother what we both need. Idk what to do, i really think about cutting the contact or i just focus on myself but like, on the other hand i think that time is limited and something better could wait for me while ur ass is not ready yet. You know?? I'm lost at this point a bit

[@caitlinvillanueva2528]

The way you talk and reflect makes me think you’re good at writing essays 😂😂

[@arielle6428]

“Put something on that babies head” and “it would be sisterhood” is taking me outttttttt 😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@RaeLarz]

"You're joy is yOUR job. Your MISERy is your job." YESSSSS. So in this place too of truly not being willing to be the guinea pig for someone else's lack of self-reflection when I'm already doing / have done that intense af work

[@Mr.Whoopy.BooBoo]

I always thought it was strange that some people act like having emotions is terrible. I'm not as emotional as I used to be but it felt like being emotionless (it was more numbness than anything else via depression) hurt me more than being "too sensitive". Having a hostile reaction because of the emotions is unnacceptable but having the emotions isn't a bad thing. I believe it's normal and natural to let yourself feel.

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

I wonder if people who claim that they are “unemotional” are just able to find the right word to express the fact that they experience their environment primarily in a practical way first before the physiological changes in the body that are responsible for creating our emotional responses start to occur. For example, it always appeared to me that people who experience the world primarily through emotions have more of a challenge with conflict resolution through conversation. For example, during a conflict resolution conversations, people with higher emotional sensitivity cycle through intense feelings of guilt, anger, confusion, etc and it is completely reliant on how and what the other person/s is expressing. Whereas, people who experience the world in a practical way (which I think might be a biological condition rather than a choice), they can still through an in depth conflict resolution conversation, on any given topic, and not be distracted by underlying bubbling of intense of negative emotions mostly because their brain isn’t stimulated and/or triggered in the same way by their environment. These people, especially if they’re younger and don’t understand the circumstances of their biology or how to express it, come off as stoic and often don’t receive as much empathy because they seem unrelatable which, I imagine, leads them to detach even more and make defensive statements like “I’m unemotional”. While I am one of those people who do not response to my environment emotionally first, I don’t think I am unemotional so I don’t make those kinds of claims but i can see how young people can end up in that lane and grow into adults who feel a bit disconnected because of the ongoing inability for others to empathize but I do believe that once we’re adults, we have an individual responsibility to understand our selves and articulate ourselves in a way that accurately reflects how we think and feel as best as we humanly can. No one else can do that for us. We have to read the books, take the notes, do the reflecting, consume all the relevant content to get closer to understanding who we are and how our brain responds to the environment.

[@movethebowlplease]

so glad you clarified that this type of topic extends beyond romantic relationships. one of the worst heartaches i had was over losing a friend who was avoidant within our friendship. i wasn't perfect, but they chose to not be transparent with me about how they truly felt about our platonic relationship. i chose to stop being friends because i couldn't trust them with my true feelings anymore since they threw it back in my face when being 'honest' with me. it sucked a lot but it had to happen. also so very triggered at 11:07 because we talked over the phone, affirmed each other and went on trips together 😅 they're blocked on everything now

[@Ploppity01]

I relate to this so much 😢 my good friend stopped talking to me right after I told her that I needed some reassurance from her that she cared about me (whether through time, words, or other things). I tried reaching out again but she was cruelly honest and said she didn’t want to meet up with me in any way, that she didn’t have energy to repair the relationship. Even went so far as to say she didn’t feel safe with me. Sometimes I still want to reach out to see if she’s ready to talk, but I can’t keep doing the work of being vulnerable and putting myself in that position where she can reject and abandon me.

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

Lack of transparency is a maladaptive coping mechanism that is very toxic. But we are toxic to some degree because of the maladaptive coping mechanisms we’ve all had to develop because of some trauma(s) that occurred during our developing brain. When you’re young, you can’t be expected to cope well with trauma because your brain is underdeveloped and you are brand spanking new to the mechanisms of the way the world works and the intricacies of human relationships, expectations, societal demands & pressures, on and on. But healing beings with transparency. If you, toxic to whatever degree you are, are at least being transparent about your feelings and wanting to understand your friend’s feelings, and they are incapable of practicing transparency then their level of toxicity is clearly higher than yours. Clearly the friend was being triggered by things that you said and did and it festered. So to the friend, your behavior was toxic to them. But it’s basic math if two people have their own baggage, their own traumas, and they come together to establish a connection and one person is putting in an effort to unpack (aka be transparent) and the other isn’t. Both parties deserve empathy and understanding. You and your friend because trauma and the coping mechanisms that develop in response to it is no one’s fault. It’s just a vicious cycle of ignorant, uninformed and underdeveloped humans and callous, inhuman societal pressures weighing down on us all. But if we continue to press forward towards our own individual healing, we’ll be able to attach and detach to other more freely and without judgment. Because life is impossibly difficult and most of us are doing our very best, to not experience the heavy burden of it. Unfortunately most of us seem to think staying behind “walls” is a way to avoid experiencing the burdens of life and emotions, etc, but it’s understandable. Hopefully your friend will be find and find inner peace with her life and you will move on without her in yours. ❤

[@Ploppity01]

@@nonFluencerNoWa thanks for this thoughtful response 🤎

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

@@Ploppity01 ♥️

[@ehiobanor]

jade… you are doing the lords work. once again the gays are pushing forward the conversations no one wants to have 😭. i love to see it

[@DaphneBargeman]

i was an dismissive avoidant dating a fearful avoidant for 3 years… chile idk how i’m alive for starters LMAO. but in watching this i started reminiscing on patterns we both had and you said at one point: “i know what my intentions were so i can give myself grace.” i actually equated that to giving him grace, because i’ve become the queen of forgiving myself in my self-healing journey. it’s really just my resentment that i think has prolonged my anger towards him, and that’s not beneficial for anyone. so thank you for pushing me to be a bit more compassionate!

[@wendyngala9025]

its 3am and my brain chemistry has just been significantly altered. I prayed the other day to be less selfish and I shared my prayer with a friend who said “you think you’re selfish?”… I don’t… but what I was communicating to God (and what you have just put words to) is that I have this resistance to help based on an internal hierarchy. You summarized it so beautifully, there so much to be gain from community that we’re not acknowledging because avoidance halts the work before it begins. You spitting fr

[@757staceyontherocks]

I've gone from anxious to avoidant .. And now I'm just tired. Smh. so I'm going to watch this video a few more times to really digest the gems you dropped here

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

I think you can be anxious and avoidant at the same time though. I mean, i guess it’s how you define “anxious”

[@aleksandraklimek3996]

Ugh, the worst part is when you feel the good parts of being self sufficient and independent. Because if you don’t get that high and feeling of accomplishment than yeah, at some point you just know something’s gotta change. Me though? I know that as long as I push through the sick satisfaction of proving myself right, that not only I can do it all on my own but no one cares abt me as much as me is sooooo good.

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

I kinda have the same experience of the good parts of it hyper independence lol. Even though I lived 15 years of my life wth my now husband, I had 1 foot out of the door for most of it because he was having a difficult time figuring out how to be transparent. He wanted to be but he wasn’t connected to his own inner thoughts and experiences in an intellectual way. So while he was extremely good to me and wanted to keep trying for the relationship even though I was ready to quit several times, I couldn’t trust him with my emotional security and I was always very honest about it. I wasn’t just honest though. i was definitely transparent about my feelings, the depth of them and make extreme efforts to understand him (which he appreciated). Even still, I kept my distance. Remained emotionally self sufficient and independent. I maintained that trust for myself and the high and feeling of accomplishment from my hyper-independence. My husband has definitely gotten to a place where he is more secure and in touch with his feelings and experiences and he is more open and assertive about them which is wonderful for me. It’s no longer the bullshit “happy wife, happy life” mentally (so annoying). He sets his boundaries properly now and sometimes it’s not convenient for me but it’s great because now I know. You know? Self sufficiency is still there but I definitely happily and comfortably surrender more now and we seem to have a situation where we care about each other as much as we care about ourselves (at least it’s so close it’s hard to tell) but I really & truly believe to my core that no one will care about you as much as you care about yourself.

[@yveqeshy]

Basically avoidant people struggle with vulnerability. They're not vulnerable with themselves and therefore can't be vulnerable with other people and also can't handle other people's vulnerability with care. Gorl on that hyperindependence bit, you really got me, I was literally just asking myself this morning what it means to truly trust, to learn how to let myself be OK with not knowing 5, 10 steps ahead and to trust thay if I take it a step at a time even if the 5th step doesn't go right, I will figure it out through the support of people, that is doesn't always have to fall on me all the time. To trust that people actually want to help 🤔😯😯

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

This is interesting to me. To the point about “avoidant”, who would you think is the “avoidant/struggling with vulnerability” in this scenario: I have a 15 year healthy relationship so far but i identify with your “1 foot out the door” and “100% honest” approach to relationships. You know like I always let my partners know that I didn’t NEED any one and never tried to sugar coat my thoughts about anything BUUUUT I was also and always very transparent about my feelings and trying to understand his so I’m not sure if that would classify me as an “avoidant”. 🤔 I have to think on that. My husband and I were definitely both at toxic, traumatized version of our selves when we met each other in our early 20s. Nevertheless, we (mostly me) then began identifying our trauma and triggers and started trying to heal so that we can become the best versions of ourselves for ourselves and for each other. My journey was happening much faster and my motivation to explore my self, others & him was more intense so I made progress faster while he was struggling to connect to his feelings and experiences and how to articulate them. 15 years later, we are in a more wholesome and equitable relationship where we both express fully but for about 12 years, i definitely kept a mental distance because our individual journeys towards healing happened at different speeds. And even though I loved him and empathized with the challenges he faced, i had to protect myself since i had been suffering from clinical Depression and Panic Disorder for much my late teens and 20s. And that was a real challenge for but it felt lonely that my partner that i was choosing every day (and who was also choosing me surely) couldn’t effectively “see me” because he wasn’t progressing as quickly. But as I kept progressing, my level of empathy for my self, for him, for others really reached new levels. Which I didn’t expect. It was just happening to me. So even though I was still hyper dependent but without a single thought of “1 foot out the door” and I was able to really show up in a whole new way for everyone in my orbit. I no longer have to be hyper dependent (in my relationship with my partner at least) but it took quite a long investment of me healing and helping him to find healing. Ultimately just wondering what your thoughts are on “avoidant but transparent” behavior in response to the reality that we a surrounded by so many people who are, themselves, unhealed and festering in their own traumas/maladaptive coping mechanisms?

[@Lisa_Flowers]

Some of can't trust because there is no one to trust. If things go wrong we really are on our own. I realise I'm avoidant but I'm not really sorry about it. I'm surrounded by abusers and can't leave. Any chance of me surviving is staked on me being avoidant. It's that or kill myself. Though I'm not sure what I'm surviving for if every day I spend here makes me more and more avoidant and jeopardises my ability to ever trust or connect with other human beings ever.

[@nonFluencerNoWa]

@@Lisa_Flowers even though I’m not an avoidant naturally, i was abused physically and verbally as a child living in Trinidad until I was 13 when my dad moved me back (i was born here and shipped to trini at 5) to US. And I was abused BECAUSE I couldn’t be an avoidant. Meaning, as a child, i had no idea how to control my brain and submit in the ways the adults around me needed me to. I am pretty sure I am on the spectrum. My mother abused crack her entire pregnancy with me and i wasn’t breathing when I was born. So by the time I moved to NY, even though I was very overt and expressed my feelings, I was surrounded by abusers who I couldn’t trust. They used everything against me and more. I was new the the United States and was not allowed to hang with friends, get phone calls or learn how to navigate the city so I was a foreigner, under stronger more manipulative levels of verbal abuse by my step mother and her relatives, and forced unnaturally to become avoidant in my teenage years. Anyway, by the time I was 16 I felt I only 4 options: - hurt someone and get arrested - hurt someone then hurt myself -hurt myself - runaway from home and see what happens I chose the last option. Eventually i ended up in Forster care and in the government pipeline, relying on section 8 for housing once I aged out at 19 years old. I ended up with a tumor in my brain at 19 and when children’s services called my family to tell them, they opted to ignore the news. I was hospitalized for month, alone. When i got out, i developed severe panic disorder and my already crippling Depression turned really clinical. Between, then and now, i met my husband and figured out how to heal myself so I can trust myself and others and not let the toxicity of my past have any power over me. Why can’t you leave your situation?

[@averyintelligence]

This is true. Avoidants grow up without being shown any emotional intimacy so we have to learn to do it later in life.

[@Jean-un2or]

Legit drinking a glass of wine after a long day of work, thinking about avoidancy. I’m in a good place in my life and I’ve been working on myself and my own emotional avoidance. When people say that you attract what you are - it doesn’t mean for the same underlying reasons. That’s when people who are avoidant due to personal trauma and being too “nice” for example and wanting to please/to be liked/avoiding rejection and negative feelings is drastically different from the avoidants who are avoidant because they literally don’t want to face their emotions/aren’t capable of it. We, who are too sensitive and have trauma, can attract that. That’s when “self love” and “self respect” becomes so integral. Sounds corny af, but that’s the real bottom line. ❤🎉

[@NanaLia_18]

❤❤❤❤

[@undercover_idiot]

I'm 21 and I've never been in a relationship. There was a person I shared my headspace with at some point but nothing serious. Seeing people my age speak about their multiple exes makes me feel so left out but for NO REASON whatsoever because I've never really wanted to date anyone. It actually takes a lot for me to be attracted to someone. I'm still trying to figure out what that means. But seeing videos like this and general social conversations makes me feel like im not doing something right? I haven't had enough experience to figure out parts of my identity that I feel like can only be realised through relationships?? Idk I'm confused someone help me figure this out please!!! 😂😂

[@user-fy4uv9wb7o]

This is really helpful and healing for someone who is naturally an anxious, worked really hard to become more secure than anxious, and STILL got destroyed by an avoidant (without knowing yet what was happening)

[@Rosewtr_]

Also, I think there’s a fine line btwn regulating emotions vs controlling them-it’s def not healthy if someone is not able to sit with or identify their emotions just as equally as it is for someone that gets lost in their emotions and doesn’t know what’s going on or what to do. I feel like regulating isn’t so much policing emotions but giving them a channel to be expressed/Giving the brain an opportunity to be flexible and find a pathway to calm down so that there’s an opening for reflection and inner dialogue. Regulating takes some time tho, but definitely learning tools is helpful-creative expression is great, movement, breathing, Somatics, getting outside-there’s also more cognitive tools like CBT, DBT, etc But yeah-just a reflection b/c I def was a person that had big feelings but it was more internal emotions and I thought regulating them meant I had to control or police them, but a refined language helped me to understand that learning tools for regulating are just handy things you can lean upon when you are ready-but allow the emotions to be what they are, they’re important

[@daniellejordan9847]

So when are we gonna start this avoidant support group? I'm tired of being independent lol

[@sarahmhx]

Girl same

[@Evilmindy12]

Firstly give yourself a pat on the back for being aware ❤ a lot of ppl don't make it this far. Also you speaking straight bars.

[@SunGathersDust]

Watching this as someone who was in love with an avoidant and it was so painful. She did everything that you mention here and never got to the point of relying on me, even when she was struggling. Rrhhhhhaaa, I am glad that relationship is over. I was lonely and it was not worth it

[@VibewithLottie]

From the Nina Simone top, to the quick Lauryn Hill/D’angelo blip TO THE BRUTAL HONESTY in this video 👏👏 Been watching your vids for a good 6 years now and it seems like I’m apparently locked in for life. This video was relatable af, good looking out bro

[@pampj8501]

I am A dismissive Avoidant, but how is one expected to learn to show emotion when you are gas lighted and conditioned to not show emotion. As a Black woman in America, we show emotion of any kind and get labeled as the angry black woman. We were raised to be strong and no one is checking on us because of that. People come to us and dump but no one is asking how we are doing and the ones who do, expect us to say we are fine, because it is scary when we are not. We are the strong ones, so what do they do when the strong one is not strong. You are absolutely right, I want someone to worry about if I ate, but it’s not worth it if I am the one who has to go get the food anyway. It’s like why even ask?

[@Mezz803]

This is by far my most favourite video from you, probably on KZbin as a whole because I am currently on the same journey and I keep telling my partner that I'm done with all the "ignorance is bliss" BS

[@Museunfiltrd]

I feel like there are a lot of blanket labels/statements out there in the net like “avoidant and such and such”. Sometimes the people in your circle don’t make you feel safe. Sometimes your people picker is off and you genuinely are choosing ppl from the place of trauma or pain. Some ppl may look at this and think, “oh I need to make this work with this person” and sometimes you genuinely do not. It’s all very convoluted at times. So it’s hard to label things just one thing or another. Some ppl really are just needing to heal so that they can choose people who align with their authentic and healthy selves.

[@Peppycole]

As someone who ended a relationship with an avoidant, I feel seen and TRIGGERED all at once. I knew it was going to trigger me, so I avoided it for WEEKS. Something told me to watch it after it came into my feed this morning. This resonates in ways I couldn't have imagined.

[@rinnozomi1155]

“That’s like being held back in the third grade until you’re 20”. That hits… it seems like so many people have such low emotional intelligence and self awareness, and they don’t know what they don’t know, and I’m still trying to understand more of myself. I think it would be a game changer for future generations if communication, self-reflection, and tools for understanding self were taught in schools. It is just as critically important for school curriculum, if not more, because how can we learn anything else if we can’t all start with a baseline of respect, kindness, confidence, and looking for a place where we can understand each other instead of just trying to go into survival mode and protect our feelings. Thank you for this video Jade! New subscriber here.

[@briannadiaz1654]

as someone who was in a relationship with an avoidant who had some of these qualities, it is so healing to hear this. proud of you, Jade. thank you for being vulnerable.

[@Dgeaurhedaikn]

I love when you point the microphone toward the camera. It makes what you’re saying hit deeper. I feel like sometimes while watching people on KZbin it’s easy to think “they’re talking about/to someone else, not me, I’m just listening” but it feels like you’re saying “no, I’m asking YOU” and I really like that makes me consider it a lot more

[@evie9239]

The tables turned for me when I dated someone MORE avoidant than me (I got upset if they hadn’t texted me for longer than 10 days lmao) and I was anxious in a relationship for the first time in my life, and I finally found out how terrible it is to be on the other end. I honestly don’t personally think it would be right for me or the people I love to be in a relationship. After finally becoming more curious about my own emotional states, and also how my chronic illness flares up to certain events… like I am over-sensitive to EVERYTHING, everything is dangerous to me, every criticism is crushing, I can barely stutter out what I need from other people. And that is literally what I’ve been avoiding.

[@truth-om7iz]

As someone with a secure attachment style it was my mistake to date someone that does not have the same style. It was emotionally exhausting and many people must take accountability and handle their shit. I did and never again will I make the mistake of dating someone who did not.

[@IAmSavRenee]

The "car on fire" ... this is good.

[@Kaivey]

A partner of mine says I’m unemotional but I just Talk my feelings instead of yelling at ppl. I can and do choose to out my feelings to words. I try to give ppl space to express however they are yet, I also have to be hyper aware of the partners unspoken emotional states to basically “mind read” them and avoid them doing a big unload at me.the difference between honesty and transparency thing reminded me of this a lot. I try to not purposelessly just say how I’m feeling in a moment in ways ppl have to decode, more like saying how I’m feeling and wondering why I feel it. That ends up with partner saying I don’t directly say things. No , I do, I just commit to not making my immediate feelings a problem for someone else to reaolve…… People are complicated. Nice work

[@Sweetlady1720]

Finally someone who speaks on the bs avoidants do instead of conditioning the other person to go along with the bs! You are amazing thank you 😊

[@BrooklynKing22]

lots of gems in this video. so much I had to journal them. but my favorites: 1. honesty ≠ transparency 2. relationships aren't tit for tat 3. it is not bad to need someone 4. you must work through your emotions 5. avoiding can lead to self centered behavior all of these, every single one of them I truly needed to hear. as I sit to reflect on them, I for some reason have the urge to just disappear. but i'm trying to be better with this new found knowledge... thank you Jade.

[@kingzav3s5689]

My ex was avoidant and my GOD you were spot on. You are MILES more emotionally intelligent than him. I hope he's getting his shit together but honestly he was stuck in his ways so I doubt he's currently putting in the work like you are. Since that breakup I have been doing so much work on myself (a lot of healing, therapy, and self discovery after that mess). Also turning the way you feel into something productive has been one of the best things I have ever done. Thanks for the video Jade and good luck on your journey💜.

[@Tiffsteve]

“Agh I’m spittin’” lol you really are though. Came across this video at a perfect time.

[@Mscp9]

Wheewww chile im seeing this at exactly the right time. Im fearful avoident and I have always struggled with starting relationships (ive never been in a official relationship) bc i would already think about the end before it can even start. So much of that feeling comes from being raised in an environment where no matter what i said my deeper emotions were shut down. So why bother bringing a conflict up at all? Therapy helps a lot with how i navigate my vulnerability but it helped to start small with being vulnerable with the friends i hold dear

[@ellelle]

ROCK 👏🏾ING👏🏾THAT👏🏾HEAD also you never fail to speak through me. 🙏🏾 I appreciate you.

[@Cierrareads]

Even in a relationship, i’m avoidant and also a people pleaser like i’m a mess 😂

[@Artlesbi]

Great insights. I'm also an avoidant. You gotta do the inner work to understand why you create distance / why vulnerability makes you uncomfortable etc. It takes alot of self awareness and contemplation. it's a journey.

[@fionap.6311]

You killed me with these jokes but the joke was ON MEEEE the whole time 💀

[@GoddessorDoormat]

I need to relisten to this. You have clearly explained the polarity of where I have arrived on this healing journey AND why certain energy just don’t deserve access BECAUSE of blippity boppity boo! We are no longer being wreck it ralphs.

[@BriannaPressure]

Idk how this popped up but I’m so happy it did! you made great points!!! I’ve dealt with “emotionally unavailable” people and like you said they’re truly like a burning car that everyone’s passing by looking at just knowing it’ll soon explode so you just have to leave that car where it’s burning

[@daisyflower1545]

I have the avoidant style. And I also don't want to be in a relationship because I don't want to do the work or "lose my independence". Good for me though because I've never craved romantic relationships so I'll just keep doing me. Loved hearing your perspective

[@gettingthere007]

This self reflection 🔥🔥🔥 I’m a fearful avoidant and have many of these tendencies but was also in a relationship with a severe avoidant who was obsessed with independence and emotional control because he believed it made him safer and better than others but it was making him physically and mentally sick. Wish he’d had this kind of self reflection.

[@jermanijohnson.3481]

you ate the entire mf video jade. i related so damn hard to everything you said and have been talking with my therapist about the exact same thing! i’ve been trying to hard my entire life and i’ll be doing that for a while but it’s okay to step back and allow myself to let people in and be proud of what i’ve done so far.

[@k.milavictoria]

5:45 “the point of boundary it’s still let people in”

[@ajb.7487]

It’s been a long time since something resonated with me so accurately. Thank you for these words and triggering me to take an even deeper look at how my hyper independence and avoidant nature can cosplay as this positive thing, but in reality at its core is a lot of negativity.

[@u_u2406]

i used to be avoidant but in my last relationship they were avoiding and i was constantly neurotic and anxious so this vid was good but also so triggering. being the one who's being avoided is so crazy i feel like this is my karma for all the times i've been avoidant lmaoo

[@moneyisweird7862]

I dated an avoidant once and it scared me for LIFE!! If anyone is avoidant i run! Sounds like you have done the work and more emotionally mature because of it

[@kinghakeemhase305]

As avoidants we tend to skip the climax of a movie especially if the main character gets in trouble.

[@Bri4r3a1]

Lmaooo damn ima Leo and also have an avoidant attachment style… didn’t know I needed this today😂

[@PolarTurtle6401]

It’s interesting idea a lot of parents don’t share their huge emotions to their kids because it’s inappropriate since you have to help the child with their development. If a kid can’t ever see emotions besides inside themselves how do they learn?

[@laurenfitata9172]

As a fearful avoidant I feel like I can see both sides so it's nice to see an Avoidant being real about the struggles and why the behavior we fall into often doesn't end up working out. I feel very seen and exfoliated from this :)

[@Dinopixie]

Been avoiding 👀 this video and it’s been in my recommended for a lil minute but I’m glad I watched it cuz girllllll I love your energy as your educating me. I feel seen and heard on these issues and the evaluation of it. I always struggled with relationships and friendships and this video helps a lot.

[@SaraitheBennu]

I was a wreck it Ralph a couple of years ago due to ego and not being self aware. I knew I had to do something different and better. I’m glad to see the positive growth being affirmed in some topics you’ve touched on. Currently I’m learning how sustain a quality friendship 🙏🏿🤍

[@tmoneypoleductions9764]

Its like the same things that attracts them pushes them away…contradicting. Hes literally like my shadow of everything i need to work on my self.

[@penguinworm]

This is so relevant to my life right now, I've been such an asshole without even realizing it.

[@iamjadefox]

it's actually crazy (not you, but the moment you realize how your actions have been affecting others)

[@Luckyli98]

its weird how there's So many truths in this video, words of wis-dum for myself. I am going through a tough time with a friend and a lot of it has to do with me being one foot in, one foot out in the friendship, that ego-driven honesty vs true transparency, treating the friendship like an exchange of benefits. i am so scared of what will happen if i share about ALL the things that people tend to share about in deep friendships. all the deep stuff disappears from my mind when the opportunity to speak on it appears. i think i want a deep friendship coz i find surface friendships unrewarding but do not know how to unlearn that it is 'admirable' to show no emotions out of the 'normal' ones. i was questioning if maybe I'm a sociopath vs psycopath coz at times i don't know what to feel where a specific emotional response should be obvious. yes, I'm seeing a therapist ha! i can tell that there should be more to friendships and honest human connection than what im letting myself experience but unsure how to fix the thing in me that isn't letting me be as open as i need to experience all that. pray for me please. Jade thanks so much for the honesty, lightness, genuineness of your message.

[@VonGlorious]

In a society that has decided that the only acveptabpe emotion is a commoditied emotion, I 100% agree that people supress their emotions. Also in a society that seems emotion feminine, BIG yeah people supress and control and ignore emotion. They embrace stoicism and then can't understand why their relationships across their lives always feel hallow or end . It's sad and, like you said, 100% qothin their pwersonal power to transform.

[@sanalikesauna]

talking about over emphasis on uniqueness and individuality, because we live and grew up in the western world america overvalues these concepts of freedom and individuality to the detriment of the idea of community. Eastern sensibilities are much more focused on the family as a unit rather than a collective of individuals which I think is not perfect BUT it helps to defer this me vs everybody else mentality and allows you to rely on others in a positive way I think that there needs to be a healthy mix of individuality and belonging to community/family units whether it be blood related or chosen. a good movie that explores these concepts and opened my eyes to these differences is called the farewell about an asian american girl going back to china because her grandmother has cancer and her family in china has chosen not to tell the grandma that she has cancer and it explores the differences between western and eastern culture and how someone from the west would think that is insane and would be illegal here but it is just an example of cultural relativism and the difference in family units in society. individualism is important but an over emphasis on it makes community and caring for others more of a chore than it should be when we should strive to work together and create mutual aid and shit like that under capitalism bc we are the only ones who can truly look out for each other even outside the realm of just romantic relationships. Great video!!

[@Lisa_Flowers]

Honestly? I feel like people romanticise community and I'm kinda tired of it. I understand it's importance and _healthy_ community is paramount to our survival in today's world. But community is a neutral concept, its not inherently good or bad, positive or negative. There are communities that uplift each other and strive towards mutual care, and there are communities that are toxic and abusive and band together to facilitate harm and silence victims. A lot of us have trauma from being in community specifically. I know I do. I grew up in a very enmeshed family, no separation between me and my emotionally abusive parents and siblings, just one big ego mass. And it was horrific. I wasn't allowed to be an individual human being, I was abused into being a carbon copy of my parents and an appendage of my family. Individualism and nonconformity is the only thing that allowed me to engage in any form of critical thinking and it's the only thing that allowed me to be a whole person and not just an appendage or a shadow or a walking echo chamber. I'm still stuck with these very toxic people, and every day I get more avoidant because of it, it's the only way I can survive. I understand my experience of community has skewed how I view it, but I always think it's relevant to point out that for some of us, community is not safe or encouraging concept, and that community can be toxic. It can uphold oppression just as much as it can free us from it.

[@sanalikesauna]

@@Lisa_Flowers oh absolutely too much of individualism leads to selfishness and too much of community leads to monolithic and restrictive behaviors you have to find a good balance between the two I think I have seen the most success in people with chosen families because blood relations sometimes carry a negative attachment because of the blood is thicker than water mentality (which is bs btw) I often find close supportive friend groups offer a place to be yourself as well as a part of a whole which is definitely better then being on the far side of individual or communal. My point was just that in western culture and America specifically the public opinion is much more biased towards individualism to a point where I think many people only care about themselves and it creates a very uncaring general public and harms working class solidarity that is needed to create unions and grouping together to strive for important social change. While the east has the opposite problem of being too invested into community so much where being an individual is frowned upon which is suffocating to the point that Asian countries often have very high suicide rates and other mental health problems since therapy and medications are also often frowned upon. They are both equally important concepts so the best way to live in the middle of them is to foster a supportive community that holds space to encourage its members individuality and harbor compassion and empathy for other human beings.

[@trtl9106]

I guess I found my people. My first ever relationship turned out to be a 5-year avoidant(me)-anxious(her) relationship, and I still fear that I made her into a super anxious person with my behavior. I thought I knew some of my triggers that caused my avoidant behaviors, but I was so deluded to the point where I thought just naming them would magically solve everything. In fact, it made it worse because I whole-heartedly believed that. I was getting worse when I assumed I would get better. And what Jade said was my experience. I was brutally honest when I did not need to be, and there was no motivation to be honest when it mattered. At this point, I don't even know why I was staying in that relationship when I knew I was just hurting her constantly by "trying to gain back my independence..." If I wanted independence so bad, why didn't I just spare her some precious time? Why did I grow resentment towards her? She did not deserve any of my poor decisions. I went to talk therapy, not exclusively for the avoidant part, but it did help me express my emotions better than ever, and I had a lot of time to think and reflect back on my actions that I'm not proud of. I wish I could go back to that time when the relationship was fresh and made some different choices because the end was so bitter. But I don't know what to feel anymore recently. I wasted everyone's time and I am feeling a lot of guilt and shame even after a year the break up. What can I do to be accountable in this situation? Maybe it's selfish of me to find a way to make myself stop feeling this emotion? Do I deserve any recourse? I honestly have no fucking clue.

[@bonjiproductions7573]

you’re literally my favorite creator. you make serious topics enjoyable to listen to and understand

[@baystreetvibes6001]

Bro the way you explain things and just break ish down is top tier!

[@melancholicpeaceencapsulated]

I am just so sick of getting hurt over and over again. I don’t want to open my heart up to people who will inevitably destroy it. But, at the same time I think - If you don’t use it, you lose it right? Idk it’s hard. I’ve been wronged a lot but I know that the pain that I’ve been through should be worth the love I can allow myself to receive. Even if it ends in pain.

[@NE8675309]

I don't have the words to explain just how necessary and sobering Jade's particular brand of 'No BS. Just toughlove truth' is. I needed to hear this. Thank you!❤