Examples of open relationship rules

[@johnbines183]

I've had 4 failed attempts at an open relationship. They start out great with both of us discussing what we want. What I wanted was the freedom for us both to explore both inside and outside sexual connections with others while maintaining a healthy, intimate relationship between the two of us... what I ended up with was a lot of confusion, my partners becoming totally consumed with hookup culture and outside connections to the degree that we'd be so disconnected that I might see them scarcely. When we did connect, I'd always say "phones down and let's focus on us". Only to be interrupted by a new lover on the scene or my partner sneaking into the bathroom to check messages and communicate. I feel the intensity of focus shifted to whomever new was in the picture. I still would like to find a partner with whom I could have a healthy open relationship with but its painstakingly hard.

[@hmurchison8123]

I've never been in an open relationship but what you're saying here makes a lot of sense. I think open relationships are tough if you don't have a strong bond that keeps you internally focused as a couple. Also the "bleedover" can't happen, the ideal is to augment the relationship not start blurring the lines. It's like we need a "reformed" Hookup Queen that wants to settle down and not lose all access but it content to basically kick it with her prime man and every now and then scratch that itch. Folks what want to be poly without the strong commitment just want to use folks like safety nets while they're making their sneaky links.

[@libraboyfriend]

Wow. Was wondering why my newly open relationship has been a struggle so far. It’s because we had a lot of these unhelpful unrealistic rules in place. Thanks for this.

[@daynarogers2335]

My partner, likes to tell me what his connections do better than me, he picks them over me sometimes also. This is something that bothers and causes a lot of jealousy and insecurities for me. With my connections he wants every detail how turned on I was what we did how many times did they get me off etc… I feel like it’s all about competition with him, he says it’s how he gets to know me better….all I’m feeling is sick.

[@SetTheCurve]

Hard to tell from one KZbin comment, but it sounds like he is very insecure. People who brag are often insecure. People who try to put down others are usually trying to bring them down to their level; it’s like trying to maintain a sense of control or equality. Finally, asking intimate details or your encounters also seems potentially rooted in insecurity: is he trying to make sure he’s the best? Is he upset or angry when he’s not? Does he immediately turn around and compare himself to your other partners? This all sounds like insecurity. If you still care about this person and you think I might be right, then I think one solution is to work on helping them improve their feeling of worth and security; be encouraging, make sure to include them in your life in the same way you include others, and if they aren’t as successful as you maybe do something to help them get better at finding other partners. This is just a total guess so I could be way off I realize. I’m coming at this comment from the other side. I’m the jealous, insecure, fearful person in my relationship.

[@TinyWorlds]

Had the no talking rule suggested by my ex - was something that really didn’t feel good to me, like hiding a part away of yourself. Instead of avoiding hurt it just created emotional confusion/ chaos at times

[@thisisbgm]

Yes! "We can't talk about it" means that there is this big part of your lives that you can't share with a partner who is supposed to be one of the closest people to you. It can be incredibly taxing and lonely-making

[@thisispjae4travel]

This is exactly how i feel too! My partner and I recently had this where she was seeing someone, and I had no idea about it. (Borderline cheating in my opinion) and i only started hearing about it when the two of them started having problems. And everytime i ask for, it was a no discussion topic for her. It feels horrible and i feel like i do not want to keep this going.

[@CanadianWhatever]

​@@thisispjae4travelthat's keeping secrets and lying by omission, even if it is an agreed upon rule. It's living a double life. You do not have to be okay with that! You're allowed to express this to her. She's supposed to be your safe space

[@adgandd]

2:45 Its basically one of my greatest reservations about Open.

[@chad7064]

I won’t let my boyfriend see someone I have a history with or that I do not like. It might sound controlling but it’s for the best. And absolutely no ex boyfriends .

[@NoName-gy6qr]

Ehhh nah that's not controlling. Situations like that can end up being messy and embarrassing, so I think it's better that each of you avoid people you have history with already.

[@JosephEudave]

Hi. Im starting my first open relationship, i have so many questions to address with my partner that I feel overwhelmed sometimes. But your videos are helping me figuring out what is the healthiest path to choose. Thanks so much

[@thisisbgm]

I'm so glad to hear that Joseph! How's that going for you?

[@martinafairydust6179]

Thank you, I found this very helpful❤

[@thisisbgm]

you're welcome! I'm so glad it was helpful!

[@santosg3]

My boyfriend wants an open relationship, I don't thinking this is going to work for me, what your describing Is a roommate who is also a fuck buddy. if I wanted that I wouldn't have looked for a relationship. I would have just kept fucking my old roommate. There is a difference between dating a 7-11, and having someone for your self. what's wrong with wanting a partner for yourself. I don't want to be at risk of catching an STI bc of someone elses behavior. I guess we need to end the relationship as hard as it will be. it's a shame, I love him so much. This will break my heart .

[@jveyxms6]

i have no idea how to even approach setting boundaries in my first open relationship without sounding jealous/possessive :( excited to watch this

[@javidial]

Most people here love having a relationship based on logic. How to get the best of both worlds in a healthy way. They forget that we also have a heart with feelings. Those feelings will most likely get you in trouble. One partner will always be more sexual than the other. One partner will need for attention, more jealous, more whatever else than the other. The best thing you can do is to find a partner that has similar sex drive, sex view, etc... be honest from the beginning.

[@tonymoore2987]

Everyone should negotiate rules that work for them. I’ve observed that the older couples in our circle who have kids, careers and lots of other obligations tend to share some common rules. 1. Most were monogamous at least 5 years or more before they opened up. 2. Only play with other married couples. 3. Only play with others together same room 4. No cross gender communication we all talk in a group chat mostly but guys can talk to guys and girls can talk to girls but never guy to girl directly. 5. We’re monogamous until we’re not. Meaning we flirt touch play only when we have agreed to have a play date. When we’re not on a play date, we interact like any other couple. This is actually a lot of fun because we do vanilla things with both vanilla and lifestyle friends and only we know about our extracurricular activities…we call it that Mona Lisa smile…LOL! When you’re busy with “real life” it just makes our play dates or trips to resorts or cruises simple, fun and drama free

[@thisisbgm]

Agreed that everyone should figure out what works for them! There’s definitely no one size fits all. I often have couples come to me who had rules similar to these and they worked well… until they didn’t. Someone accidentally caught feelings. They weren’t interested in playing with the same folks and that kept happening. One of them was wanting to hook up more than the other. Most folks set rules for the best intentions and the paradoxical thing is that sometimes those same rules end up getting in the way of what they were intended for. Renegotiating your “relationship operating procedure” is also a healthy part of the process.

[@Buleye]

⁠@@thisisbgmtotally agree. We actually wrote our “Lifestyle vows” in a word doc when we started. Now every year we use the red strike through function to make changes, date when the change was made and note what situation brought on the change 😂 It’s fun to see our thought process and assumptions literally changing over time.

[@aNaturalist]

Isn't eliminating the "no feelings" rule making polyamory more likely to evolve? What if a couple does not want to end up being poly? Now, I've been swinger and poly, and not at the same time. I do believe there's a middle ground with some feelings, but it still not becoming polyamory. Very few people talk about that middle ground. The poly people argue in favor of just bringing on poly. The casual sex people make terse replies against having feelings. How can someone exist in the feelings middle ground over the long haul, and not just as a transition to polyamory?

[@leannhill9042]

I suggested open relationship cause my guy loves the attention of women. I don't think he can be faithful. But lately he keeps going back to,i say ex. He says they were never in a "relationship". But that is who he lies to me about. The only person that I can't stand. Shes crazy. For real crazy. Gets a check

[@Ginger18420]

Currently feeling weird. My fiancé has wanted an open relationship since we got together. I was not into it. Now, I’m aware he’s cheating. And I’m not upset about it. So is our relationship open? I’m talking to others to help me feel better. It definitely makes me feel better. I’m lost.

[@thisisbgm]

I'm sorry that this infidelity happened to you. Your reaction is something to pay attention to: "I"m aware he's cheating and I'm not mad upset it." I've heard this before: that guys think they're *supposed* to be upset that their man hooked up with someone else, but they aren't? What I often see in those cases is guys get upset at is more about the dishonesty and lack of communication than the actual sex. Your relationship can be open if you want it to be! That's something for you and your fiancé to talk about and decide together. I'm happy to help you navigate that process. You can snag a time to talk here: learn.briangerald.com/relationshift You also might benefit from reading "The State of Affairs" by Esther Perel (though, it's a bit hetero-focused)

[@SetTheCurve]

What if only one person is successful in finding additional partners? Straight guy asking (because for 90% of us, finding a romantic partner happens every 3-10 years (maybe exaggeration, but it’s not easy for us)). My girlfriend dates other men at the snap of her fingers. I haven’t dated a single other woman. I feel like other men are just free to take my girlfriend for a ride.

[@cheesecakemousetrap]

There are bicycles in the background and the symbolism isn’t lost on me.

[@sarahmorse2423]

Is an open relationship bound to fail if my partner wants it and I am just trying to be agreeable?

[@janet.3439]

I’ve been seeing this guy for a while before we agreed to start a relationship. At first, like everything else, it was great then I noticed the changes like him not exerting effort and lacks commitment and when asked he just tells me he’s happy with what we are. I then asked him what kind of relationship we have, are we on a committed one, exclusive, casual, open. He said open relationship. When I told him so that means we can both have sexual/romantic relationship with others, he said no, he won’t like it if i do it other than him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@naexnoor]

lmao honey dont date an insecure man, he wont stop controlling you

[@PatrickDiehl]

Fabulous and interesting video Brian.

[@thisisbgm]

Thanks Patrick!

[@happyllama4529]

Thank you❤

[@javidial]

How would your "ok" rules apply to a married couple with children? Happy marriage at home, and having love affairs outside? Also, anybody that has 1 kid will know that you won't much time for yourself (unless you pay nannies or both take turns to give the other partner free time to hook up with others)???

[@tomoarihoshina8973]

That a roommate not a lover

[@gabyurbina7133]

My partner just told me they want an open relationship I freaked out I’m not gonna lie. I am a very insecure person when it comes to my looks and my body. My partner is very very attractive, they have tattoos and have piercings and they’re skinny and petite, they’re smart as fuck and just know so much about history and plants. I look like fuckin Maui with out muscles. They’ve started to talk to men and women, my only issue is them talking to other men. I am not a man btw I’m female bodied I’m non binary, I think the reason I’m having so much trouble with this is because of my issues with men. I have been assaulted before by men. It makes me angry that they’re talking to men one cause I don’t fucking like them and two because I’m scared something is going to happen to them and I’m not going to be able to do anything except something rash and end up going to jail. I have told them this, I have told them that I don’t feel comfortable with them talking to other people especially men because I’m scared and just jealous. I don’t know what to do I want my partner to be happy I want them ti be their true authentic self. I just am having a really really hard time trying to accept them being intimate with other people, especially men. I told them some of my boundaries like kissing other people I can’t kiss them if they’re kissing other people or have sex with them if they’re having sex with other people. I don’t know if this is too much or too harsh I’m just really distraught and upset with myself and the situation.

[@andrerey29]

I really know nothing about open relationships (hence why im watching this video) but don't be insecure about yourself. You described yourself and all I imagined was a beautiful person. Your comment was 8 months ago, hope everything went and is fine.

[@theguynextdoor4978]

Stay single then, if people want to be promiscuous. Open relationships rarely work anyway.

[@thisisbgm]

I have been in an open relationship for 12 years

[@hotrodrounsavill3515]

Many monogamous relationships I've been around haven't convinced me they are happy long term. My parents have been married over 40 years. Miserable marriage. In fact I actually come from a family where cousins, aunt's, uncle's and grandparents have been married 20, 30, 40 and yes an aunt and uncle over 50 years...not a single union I crave to have in my future. They all are more grumpy roommates than anything. I've been married. Then widowed due to his suicide. Over a year into my grief and healing journey I started a FWB with someone I casually knew that was going thru a very bitter nasty divorce. We both had healing to do. We knew not to jump into anything serious but we wanted the sexual release without racking up numbers/strangers. That worked perfectly for us and was on and off and on for 4 years (covid, distance, family deaths, job changes played a part in ending things for short bursts). I ended it twice to date and try and find that monogamist relationship I felt pressured to find. Was cheated on and hurt by both of them. Each time going back to the FWB. So ironically today the FWB spoke of desiring more but wanting to try more of an open relationship. I'm the female and I'm all for it. I want to try something more unconventional. I don't think this makes us selfish people. There's a certain sex drive him and I have that bringing in the occasional 3rd person is what we both desire. The respect is there between us. Boundaries have been followed for years. Feelings haven't been hurt during on again off again FWB arrangement. The way I look at it, we have nothing to loose but we potentially have a new/different point of view to learn from by trying something new. Monogamy may work for most, but I don't believe it's for everybody. I've lost interest in it for many reasons.

[@santosg3]

yeah lost of Open relationships that I have seen in my friends end up not working, a Good friend of mine was married for 16 years, and they let an 18 year old Twink into their marriage, needless to say the husband left my friend for the twink bc he thought his husband was going to do the same thing to him. my friend did all this for his husband bc he did not want to lose him only to end up alone on the end.

[@LiterallySerge]

MMM DIDNT LIKE THIS ONE 😩