When Is It Too Soon to Spend the Night? (Matthew Hussey & Stephen Hussey)

How many dates should you wait before going over to someone's house?
If you're worried it's moving too quickly and you're becoming "like a couple" (or even just too sexual) faster than you want, here's what you can do...
P.S. - Don’t miss out on your last chance to take advantage of the Early Bird tickets to my next Virtual Retreat, September 24th-26th!
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[@charlieaugust1715]

Going for a long walk is a fantastic idea. You’d be susprised how often you find the other person quite boring at the end of it!

[@heatherbadin5959]

Completely agree. I was invited over after the 4th date and it ended up that he never wanted to go out again, anytime I wanted to see him, I went to his place. The complacency was insane. Actually ended it today.

[@andreaberryman5354]

I'm sorry. You have to change it up and meet up for outdoor and public activities only in order to keep the sexual part at bay. Hard.

[@cindi7228]

Me too

[@53strat55]

Its not too weird, I have the same with some girls. Especially when girls are easy it can get boring quik.

[@user-kb8qw7dy4t]

Girl, reddit attacked me for saying the exact same thing. Apparently, expecting to go out on dates is "high maintenance" nowadays.

[@warrenm72]

Perhaps he just wanted a sexual relationship?

[@marciamellow1211]

Had my new guy over first night out... we married 2 / half years later stayed married 40 years, until he just suddenly passed... miss him.. I think you know. We had a fabulous life... he left me very blessed!

[@lesezeichen1603]

[@jujubee2903]

I’m hoping for this! I know our swells can take over sometimes and I just don’t want do anything I regret or end up getting ditched

[@user-bj3oy6zq8o]

Dating these days is like Russian roulette.

[@jessicasurjadi120]

Dating has always been that way, it’s just gone digital so it feels more like a game.

[@Anna-xg9gw]

So true!!! and so disappointing

[@larissagonzales6075]

It seems more like winning the lottery. I have a greater chance of being hit by lightning than finding a good match for me.

[@bepishombre8999]

it's a trade-off society has chosen

[@sabrinya7700]

Fr! I wish people were more open w their intentions, just say “ I just wanna find a sex friend” “I wanna date because I want to get married” “I just want to fool around”

[@kemigishaloyce980]

When he has already shown you all the red flags but Red is your favorite color 😜

[@twizzycoutinho1130]

🙊

[@CiaobellaAmour]

Truth

[@RJavierYepesDeV]

lol

[@jessicaborgogni9595]

then you're just volunteering for slaughter

[@musicismyeverything3445]

Hahahahhahahahahahhahaha

[@Nah-ah]

I’m pretty lucky where my then date, now husband and I, been together since our 1 night stand...and have been together almost 16 yrs later! 😊

[@caldwela]

My cousin's marriage is the same. I'm happy to hear Matthew state there is nothing wrong with that... would be nice to not hear "but."

[@rubydooby1679]

It happens all the time. All my long term relationships have been when we "hooked up" early. Playing games is what ruins relationships. We're adults and can do what we choose and feel is better than pretending for pretending sake.

[@Dania.q]

@@caldwela there’s nothing wrong with hooking up early, but not all women experience commitment after a hookup, so he was right to mention a “but.”

[@ssmith5127]

@@Dania.q - So true. I'm older now but still can remember some of my younger experiences. I once briefly dated a smoking hot young man who looked a lot like a young Brad Pitt. Met him at a party some old highschool friends threw one random weekend night. Attraction was definitely there for both of us at the party so he asked me out. We went on several fun and exciting motorcycle dates and he could easily make me laugh. After about the fourth date we ended up at his place and we had sex. After the sex we had a hypothetical conversation about what we would each do if we ever won a big lottery. Everything he said was a disappointment to my heart. I realized that we had very little in common when it came to a hypothetical ideal future life. His hotness instantly dropped from a nine to a four on my scale. He kept calling and we went out a few more times and even had sex again a few more times. But the excitement never came back and I lost all interest. Strangest thing all these years later is that I can remember how he looked. I can remember that pivotal conversation. I can remember the bike rides and his laugh. I can't remember anything about the sex or even if he was a good kisser, etc. I truthfully can not remember if the sex was even any good. That conversation really killed that sexual chemistry dead. I now know how important it is for me to really know a person before getting physical. Why even bother if you won't even be able to remember anything about it in the future 😊

[@leska999]

21y here 👋

[@SamElle]

My thought is whether or not you sleep with someone earlier on in the dating process versus the later process, if a guy wanted to leave, he would leave later on regardless of how long you waited. I don't think there's necessary a "right" time and it's more so, when you think you feel like you can trust the person. I personally know that I get attached if I spend the night with someone so I try to push it to later on stages of dating, after I have gotten to know someone, but if you don't get attached, I don't really see an issue with spending the night earlier on

[@smc3927]

There is a price to pay for sex outside of marriage

[@Kar3nab1gas]

What I think is that if a guy validates me based on how quick did he have sex with me, it means he's not a good man. Because my worth is define in so many other things, like my hobbies, my values and stuff. Not just into my body

[@lukefarrell1453]

@@smc3927 you could wait for marriage and it could be shit though lmao

[@SamElle]

@@lukefarrell1453 LOL mooood, sexual compatibility is important for me!!

[@SamElle]

@@Kar3nab1gas EXACTLY!!! Couldn’t have said it better myself

[@joannachimonides3644]

Going to his house on a first date it's like going to the lion's den

[@CrystalDatingCoach]

If you accept your saying YES to intimacy.

[@rachelmoore5079]

Hahaha brilliant 😂

[@alinamunir6933]

Depends on the country, in Germany if you don't sleep together until 3 dates, it's abnormal for them.

[@joannachimonides3644]

@@alinamunir6933I think sleeping too early it's a chance you will get ghosted , it hurts less when you don't get physically involved.

[@joannachimonides3644]

it's only first date, you're not his girlfriend yet

[@christinea6318]

And that's why I'm waiting until marriage. All my past relationships and situationship were revolved around sex to the point where sex didn't mean anything to me anymore. I didn't see my body as a temple. I'm currently working on myself because I want something different. I deserve better

[@maecatalina3967]

👏👏👏

[@George-vd5tz]

I think you should try dating someone that's a little bit distant from you, might help u get use to relationship without frequent sex.

[@hannahberlinpetry450]

I get that! I have had too much meaningless sex and I want to wait until marriage so that I can get a strong emotional bond with a partner before adding sex

[@George-vd5tz]

@@hannahberlinpetry450 That's a great decision Hannah. My last relationship didn't go too well cos my partner always wanted sex for fun and I knew it wouldn't help the relationship grow, so I turned her down most times and now she's backed out.. I'm still hoping to find a lady with likewise understanding so we can grow together although it's taking longer than I expected.

[@mmsimpson333]

Yes girl more of this though. I'm doing the same..

[@sherryj738]

Casual dating is not for me. I trust my intuition and my gut

[@eveheart2876]

Same

[@lemonspring6425]

Same

[@noemie1873]

And... in home dates with a random Guy met online is quite risky for women 😓

[@colinogorman8279]

I agree totally

[@frankaluice636]

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[@frankaluice636]

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[@kim7237]

Met a guy on-line...he lived an hour away...came down to take me out to dinner for about 5 times...no real emotional intimacy...he wanted to pick me up on the fifth date..but I wasn’t there yet...b:c I knew he wanted sex. Next day, I sent him a text...he ghosted me. The night before he said, ‘I am waiting for the other shoe to drop OR for you to Wow me!’ WTF???? Crazy stupid statement! Bye/Bye, Loser!

[@gabriellerivera7551]

About 8 or 9 years ago (I was becoming frustrated being chronically single going on dates with guys that never amounted to anything), one of my closest friends told me “it won’t matter if you sleep with a guy on the first date, or on the 100th date… if they are interested, they will want to be with you.”

[@livingstoneoteng9307]

6:08 "Relationships with solid foundation arise out of an abundance of conversation" Nice!

[@samanthab5752]

There are so many factors that can determine whether becoming physically intimate is appropriate. Some people meet and have incredible chemistry in person and spend many hours talking about everything under the sun. It would make sense that after only a couple of dates like this, being physically intimate 'feels right'. Others may take more time warming up/ opening up to people simply for personal reasons, and so they would need to take it slower.

[@CrystalDatingCoach]

Chemistry is nice but it's not committing to anything. You may have SEX and never see him again. I say. Wait until you begin a Relationship.

[@amandaconstanza]

@@CrystalDatingCoach if the sex is really bad, I wouldn't like to have a relationship in the first place with that person, it is better (in my opinion) to not wait too much time too.

[@CrystalDatingCoach]

@@amandaconstanza What's the rush!! So you have SEX and it's GREAT!! But if you do it to soon. Bye Bye Relationship.

[@11ScorpioSun]

@@CrystalDatingCoach that's not always true. Just like it's not always true that if u do wait for a man to purpose a relationship that it'll even last 🤷🏾‍♀️ you just gotta go with your intuition but still be smart about it. Me personally I don't think there's a time frame but I do agree that you should atleast know this person on a more emotional level before doing so especially if you want longevity with them. But if your just looking for sex then go ahead and knock yourself out lol..

[@CrystalDatingCoach]

@@amandaconstanza OK. But are you looking for a a great Lover or a Man who will love you?

[@IevaKambarovaite]

So true. When you like someone you don't necessarily want to rush. It feels too special. I like Carrie and Aidan's scene in Sex and The City where he's taking his time and she gets all suspicious that something is wrong. That's what modern dating does to us sometimes. Everything is so rushed and fast food-like. I think taking the time can be extremely sexy x

[@Rayis4444]

It depends on relationship to relationship. Me and my partner knew within a day that we wanted to be together and we’ve been happy since then.

[@IevaKambarovaite]

@@Rayis4444 you're very lucky.

[@Rayis4444]

♥️♥️

[@KR-pp2ou]

"The only thing hotter than having sex...is NOT having sex" -SATC

[@TheAnonymoh]

@@KR-pp2ou I'm guessing Samantha didn't say this. I think she'd disagree lol

[@jodirowe2996]

I’ve had so many offers to “come to my house for dinner, no sex I promise” He either pushes and pressures me, or tells me that I’m guarded and no fun. I’ve also had men not see me any longer because I didn’t sleep with them by the 3rd date. It feels as though men do not value intimacy, just inter course. Obviously these men didn’t mean it when they said they wanted a solid, long term relationship

[@larissagonzales6075]

Yes it seems like people just want one thing and that goes for women too that is why men are like this as well. It is rare to find people who understand what a healthy wholesome relationship is.

[@lyon9410]

Ive met someone who chased me and I decided to sleep with him early. I knew I could get feelings for him so I did it to see if he would treat me different or lose interest and nothing changed. Same momentum with contact and hes still planning to see me dates in advance. Its early days but so far so good!

[@jenniferan2899]

Conversation is the birthplace of connection, Physical Intimacy can blind us to the lack of emotional intimacy in the early stages...bloody brilliant! Thank you both for this video:)

[@jillsalkin7389]

How refreshing to see two, young men discussing these issues!!..... Having said that, young people are SO casual. It is so much in their culture. It's just what happens, so it must be very difficult to find someone who mutually wants to go slowly. "Relationships with solid foundations arise out of an abundance of conversation."

[@CeCeW520]

Glad to have found this video. I feel like guys keep pushing to move into the physical stage too quickly and they feel that asking to slow down and build the emotional connection is too much to ask. It has made me feel very uncomfortable because I am dating to find a serious partner and I don't see the need to rush. I want to see if we really like each other and connect on a deeper level first.

[@robinwethepeople856]

Exactly 💯🎯

[@leilachristie1861]

You have to get to know someone, but both sides have to want that. I want emotional intimacy that arises from conversation not physical intimacy.

[@happylife5654]

very nicely said.

[@elifdemircan1061]

Same sis😇🌹

[@KatieNeric]

Same but most guys dnt start convo with pure convo 😅

[@blackpanter9572]

If both are securely attached mature people, sleeping together on a first date is open so long as you both are on the same page with what it is you're looking for. In general, most people aren't securely attached let alone mature so waiting is usual best.

[@Nathen]

My partner brought me flowers and spent the night on the first date and now we’ve lived together for three years. Haven’t watched the video yet but I LOVE her for her ability to be fearless and unattached to the outcome of “what I might think of her if she stays the night too early.” She just goes with what feels right, and that’s what made me see her authenticity. She’s unique and doesn’t follow the mainstream agenda.

[@keshakellogg5995]

Really appreciated your comment and transparency! We have similarities in our current committed-partner stories. Your partner sounds lovely, and YES to being fearless and doing what feels right to you!

[@smc3927]

You just got someone as sinful as you

[@lizzie2301]

@@smc3927 she sounds DESPERATE lol, she brought him flowers and gave him her body on the first date 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@hellofromtheotherside4397]

@@smc3927 This is not for you to judge. God is universal and unconditional love.

[@chiboyter6487]

I always listen and follow my heartstrings ....never wrong! And when you in love give first before taking ...then you will always get back more than you ask for

[@kristenlobstein8634]

I so appreciate that you talk through this process and provide details in story in order to fully explain the concept of building a relationship.

[@monday2756]

THANK YOU Matthew for bringing up this topic . This always bothers me and question myself most of the time if I'm too uptight or I'm just a boring single lady . I value myself so much that I don't cater to guys that just look at me like a sex object.. it's very disappointing meeting guys who act this way .

[@ikmalaxl5286]

Just get a gay bf

[@vv-nd8gh]

the problem is nowadays during pandemic, it seems there is no where to go. either walking outside or inside a home, be it a house, a condo, an apt. if the weather is not amicable, it's getting worse that there is no other choice but to go inside...pandemic sometimes works as an easy catalyst to get intimate so fast.

[@marianaarenas4034]

That's so true, during winter there was nothing to do aside go inside a mall, or someone's house, too cold to walk outside and restaurants and caffess closed... But somehow I met a guy that still try to avoid as possible sex with me on the first dates, I have never feel more respected in life!

[@hybridangel3403]

Pandemic babies. 😅😂 bloody hell read a book, walk the fields, take up gardening.

[@colinogorman8279]

That's true

[@HelloHello-xm1ek]

So true. I started sth with my co workek, I know, :( and it was in a middle of the pandemic... The 1st date was in his apartment... I had been there couple times before with other co workers, cuz his apartment is just next to the working place... And that night nothing really happens but I stayed at his place... We only hugged and I slept in his bed...the next day in the morning we made out in his bed till afternoon (2nd base) everything was way too fast for me... I really liked him and I think I already had feelings too, but he only wanted to have sex with me.... End of the story he treated me really shit in the end and I quit that job... Still stalking him on social Media and he has another woman again :(

[@sherryj738]

The last man I was talking with, wanted me to come to his house. 12 acres of wooded land and no one around! Creepy

[@missyclone]

Girl same 😂☠️

[@frenchartantiquesparis424]

No thanks...!!

[@alwaysrighton]

Meanwhile the man is proud of his property... 🤣

[@sherryj738]

Lol....exactly right!!!!

[@sherryj738]

Girl...mi have my own property and I'm not hiding in the woods

[@Xianne027]

"Allowing it to unfold in a more meaningful way" YES, exactly!! Thank you Matthew!! Those are the best words I've ever heard to describe why I don't feel good just jumping into bed with someone I hardly know. To me it's like biting into a hard, green apple that hasn't ripened yet. Better to wait until the apple is red, sweet and juicy. It's much more fulfilling to wait until I know a bit more about all of the great and cherishable qualities he has rather than to discover that he's a sour, bitter apple after I already slept with him.

[@pracowniaswiadomosci]

About giving and receiving - at home you embrace a person in their natural environment and you are out of your element. The coupley stage that person mentioned was about bringing about that equilibrum by feeling at home at their place. For me, the golden thing that works for me everywhere is to look into effort and energy given into relationship. If a person finds something they like, they want to put their energy into it. There are no exceptions of that. And you can see this at any stage of a relationship with anyone. I spend my time with people who feel free to give into relationship with me, and I give where I feel free to do that as well.

[@heyu123]

Yeah I can’t sleep with a guy after 3-4 dates. I feel like I’ll be emotionally attached when I do, so in order to protect my heart I need to know what we have is heading somewhere 😅

[@claudinebalderston4440]

🎉🎉🎉

[@claudinebalderston4440]

😅 3:05 3:49

[@claudinebalderston4440]

😅😢 6:10 6:16

[@AtlasAdvice254]

As a guy, I’m not comfortable going over to a woman’s house on the first date. If your sole intentions with me are first and foremost physical pleasure, then I’d rather not spend the time of day with you. I’m a human being not a sex doll

[@helenkeys8156]

Me and my hubby moved fast as we fell for one another quick and felt the same we connected on so many different levels not just sexual or mentally we connected spiritually too and we been together nearly 14 year and been married 7 year nearly still extremely happy so it did work out good for us personally but I don’t think this happens often

[@baybeetinax3]

every couple is different. the reason they tell ppl to slow down cuz it protects you from getting too emotionally attached too quickly without even understanding his intentions. not saying sex should be used as a reward in dating just a step when u seriously trust the guy and know he’s the real deal.

[@sharamichaels9200]

When the time is right for both of you. You'll either be comfortably ready or too scared. Depends also on any history, previous relations, etc. My last was a comfy ready for me yet I had no idea he was still fully focused on an ex so guess what happened? Hurt on my part.

[@craigj3879]

Goes both ways. I went on a date with a girl and we ended up spending the night after the one date. It was very rushed and didn't sit well with me, felt like we'd skipped a few steps. So then I tried for a second date but was ghosted! A very confusing time indeed!

[@n4musica]

Honestly a big reason I don’t do one night stands is because I don’t trust people not to lie about STDs or act like they respect women but don’t take no for an answer once we get to one of our places. Idk how friends of mine have new guys over to hook up multiple times a week. I’m too nervous!

[@the.blue.raven7777]

Correct. That may be a mistake that ruins your health for years

[@melissaking6019]

Matthew is right. Not only is it risky to go to each other's home too early, but doing it makes it a friends with benefits only relationship when either person or both really want an authentic, meaningful romantic relationship. A couple should take their time to have substantive conversations, do mutually enjoyable activities together, gauge their values to find out if you are both compatible and care for/trust/respect the person enough to sleep together.

[@babajeto8678]

I recommend you with a powerful man who help me get my ex back immediately

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[@joannahzamora]

It's right that if you like someone and you want to spend more time together, there's no rush. If you're looking for someone to share your life with, there isnt a rush to race to the end of life. Just enjoy it and take your time and be okay with disappointing people when you tell them "no". The one's who respect your "no" and can communicate with you easily are the mature ones to actually consider. ❤

[@eveheart2876]

I love what he says about knowing each other minds. Is not always about sex, get to know other aspect of the relationship.

[@rahilayamusa7837]

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[@LearnGermanwithMarzipanfrau]

11:32 That's true. Tell what you want and what you don't want. It won't put off someone who really wants to be with you.

[@whatrtheodds]

I like to wait. Over a month but ideally 2-3 depending on how I'm feeling about the person.

[@chrisjenkins4035]

The timing of this video is impeccable for me..I feel like I want to forward this to the guy I've been dating..

[@Beccanator007]

There are plenty of guys who want something serious, and women that are more interested in physical- or even non-monogamy. But, getting to know each other is paramount no matter what. Since covid shut down so much (restaurants, bars, movies, museums, etc) how do you get around this to account for “dates?” idk- I go with 2nd or 3rd-but I need to see how a person lives and see their space to know if I’m compatible with them as well. (Clean freak) No sleep overs until there’s sex though. Dating in these times is tricky. Everyone needs physical touch and has been isolated for too long.

[@Sebastian-42-69]

I so love your honesty 🙂

[@shemseh]

This was a great conversation, there is so much dilemma about what to do or not to do in earlier stages and you put it quite simple, at the end of the day is personal and also a matter of knowing ourselves and what we really want or expect of a new relationship. I'm a kind of person that as you also explained I'd feel hurt if I do things too early and it doesn't work out, I know I would get too attached, so I always wait to see if the guy is genuine and interested in me as a person first

[@CrystalDatingCoach]

If he doesn't present you as his "girlfriend" it's too early. He gets SEX..what do you get? Usually a broken heart.

[@lizzdlugojordan8774]

I mean you also get sex. Sex is enjoyable for both parties...what should there be anything in return?

[@kirsteneobrien]

You also run the risk of pregnancy/STIs, even if you use protection.

[@kirsteneobrien]

@@lizzdlugojordan8774 Assuming that you’re able to enjoy the physical connection without a mental/emotional connection . . . Statistically, many women can’t, and the ones who allegedly can are arguably (a) a bit neurotic and/or (b) lying to look sexy at other women’s expense. But I guess it depends on how you define dating. To me, it implies a relationship. Anything else would be hooking up or hanging out. And any guy who expects more than a platonic friend date from a “hangout” deserves to be shot 😉.

[@lizzdlugojordan8774]

@@kirsteneobrien Actually, no one in this life deserves to be shot over anything...wtf...who thinks like that...

[@ArthuroLuna]

Exactly please keep saying it OUT LOUD!

[@user-oy9cg8cy3h]

I met a guy and he really make me feel so low. He almost never make any plans initially and mostly asked me where I wanted to go. Everytime I met him, he touched me physically "accidentally". Later he said he has feelings for me but he disappeared multiple times. I felt like trash every time I thought of him. I remember years ago I met him on the street, he didn't even look at me and pretend I wasn't even there. Now, I am out of this "zone" full of insecurities

[@linda8485]

Don't let anyone define who you are, let alone someone who makes you feel like trash.

[@penelopesilver5915]

I have loved that lockdown has made us "court" more and taken everything else out of the equation so you have to get to know each other slowly :)

[@intelligentcat192]

As a woman who attracts men & they immediately want me & younger men who ask me out, I find setting boundries very helpful. I'm not even looking for a lover. I think the meeting of minds, great conversation and asking the person about themselves and really listening is key. The problem is is when you hear red flags & you ignore them! Of course, great sex is nice, but getting those those values aligned is key. I admire people who know who they are & what they want. My goal is to be absolutely whole in myself. ❤

[@justacoginthefkery]

Honest communication from all parties, knowing what you want & where your boundaries are would cut out 99% of the problems & guesswork from the start. If you want to know whether or not a guy wants to sleep with vs date/ get to know you, just ask. It'll throw them a little off balance for a sec, but most of them will tell you exactly what their intentions are. Or their body language will. If you want strictly physical or a potential commitment, just freaking say it so everyone can be on the same page & make their own decisions accordingly. Ppl don't have to make people-ing so convoluted with games.

[@legdaytacos62]

I read “how to bag a high caliber man in 12 weeks”. They recommend having sex after commitment only bc this is when the man is in love. Before commitment, he might disappear after sex. I liked this because at least it’s a clear answer and you know on average the man needs 12 weeks to fall in love so you know if he asks you to commit after 12 weeks of no sex, he really likes you and won’t disappear

[@hajaraibrahim4999]

Don't give up on life and the universe I know of a great man who helped you me fix my broken hear beat relationship and everything was restored to pormal in days without delay

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[@Ljounieh]

Sounds like BS. That's three months. We should hold back and not do what we want if we feel like it just for the miraculous chance to maybe "make him commit". Well that's highly overrated. Screw those rules.

[@allaboutanngee4899]

I think the question whether or not to sleep with someone should be based on the individual’s values and morals. If someone sees no issue with sleeping with someone early on, then any consequences or judgment that may come with your choice is to be accepted. I personally would never sleep with someone on the first date or even before marriage, but then again, that is based on my own values. With that being said, I also understand that most guys will not wait around and it would not be the ideal for them. I have to live and accept that outcome.

[@sherryj738]

If I go out for coffee or anything with a man, I let my daughter know everything that I know about this man.

[@colinogorman8279]

That's fair enough

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[@kirsteneobrien]

Frankly, while I’ve definitely put myself in some inadvisable situations, I don’t understand why anyone would *expect* to sleep with someone without putting in the time/effort to get to know them first. It seems like anything goes for guys as long as the girl is down for it-like, the more he’s up for, the more masculine it makes him. But what’s wrong with guys being classy because that’s the person *they* want to be, instead of making what the girl is comfortable with the only benchmark of their behavior? Like, I want a guy who wouldn’t dream of getting physical with me until we’ve both established the fact that neither one of us is crazy 🤪. Is that too much to ask? Because I find physical intimacy without mental/emotional intimacy kind of insulting. I mean, dating to get to know someone is one thing, but being physical with someone you wish you hadn’t . . . you’re not getting that part of your story/dignity back.

[@colinogorman8279]

No it's not too much to ask I feel the same

[@Sebastian-42-69]

Hey Kirsten, Just want to leave my perspective on it: I want to make sure that a person isn't crazy before I sleep with them for sure, because I hate psychopathic or abusive people. I'm quite a sensitive person, and I enjoy exploring my emotions or talking about emotions, and I make an effort to get to know someone when I like them. However, I don't like to wait too long before having sex with a girl I'm seeing. If a girl is waiting a long time, I assume that she's not interested in me in that way, and that she doesn't care about the sexual part in my personality. That she wouldn't love me for it. This might be related to toxic shame around sexuality, judgemental upbringing surrounding the topic of sex, or to the fact that men are often characterized as those pigs who just want to fuck, always in a pejorative manner. If I know that the girl loves me even with my sexuality, I feel loved way more wholly, and the experience becomes way more meaningful to me. Obviously, a relationship that doesn't include curiosity about each other's personality and the excitement to get to know the other person, is flat and boring and not something I'd appreciate. But all in all, that's why I don't want to wait too long before sleeping with someone, because emotionally it won't feel like love to me anymore. The only thing I could understand is when they get very easily emotionally attached, and they wait to make sure they're not getting into a hell hole. I have empathy for that. And for clarification, I hate guys who believe their value depends on how fast they sleep with someone, or how many women they sleep with, or want to sleep with someone, regardless of their personality, who turn this into this ego pride status thing. So that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about my honest, subjective experience of love and intimacy. How do you feel about my perspective?

[@linda8485]

@@Sebastian-42-69 I know you're talking to Kirsten but for what it's worth, I think your perspective is a healthy one.

[@Sebastian-42-69]

@@linda8485 hi Linda. Thanks for letting me know. I find it encouraging, or at least nice that there are women on the same wavelength as me.

[@traytyler2138]

Thank you both for this! I just started dating a guy and we have great chemistry. I don’t want to rush things, butI don’t want him to loose interest if I don’t sleep with him early. My mind has been tainted & I have been confused about keeping a healthy balance. This video helped me so much.

[@joselineyou]

If he looses interest because you don't sleep with him early (or later), he is not the one you are looking for. Keep calm and don't feel pressure for sex. The moment you fell pressure, run! Don't be willing to do anything to keep someone interested to you.

[@kiaracarmen]

what did you end up doing?

[@LisaGemini]

Why do people need RULES about all this stuff? When you love and trust him, then you sleep with him. Be comfortable in your own body and the relationship, women!

[@carmenkamberos1156]

You nailed it!

[@Foxie635]

Never too soon. It’s like trying in shoes, eventually you get the one that fits you whether they cost $5 or $100. Meaning you could find the right person rich or poor.

[@amandewilliam8421]

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[@mslissa5793]

Sex too soon is purely a product of before you are both ready. However, I feel making it domimate every time you meet, is what causes the problem, because you aren't getting to know each other and truly know if you can satisfy each other in a relationship in other ways. What do you want from a partner: morals, values, activities, children, marriage, families, friends ....? All of those things matter in the long term

[@jessicastevens1629]

IT was hard for me to NOT spend time on 'home dates' during winter. Covid restrictions meant that we couldn't go anywhere and only spend time at home, so I had to suggest different and interesting dates. I think it got a bit too couple-y, samey, casual and was one of the factors that created the start of the end

[@nehathegr81]

Same here. What are the options inside, if not outside. I really feel that adult couples should have other things to do together outside of getting intimate. But, as it happens, that's what couples end up doing. Reading a book together, cooking, watching OTT and playing board games is all I can think of. What else?

[@jessicastevens1629]

@@unlovebreather Well, the things I suggested were baking together, drawing celebrities and guessing what we drew, building a fort. I literally googled ideas so there’s a lot of suggestions out there if you do a quick Google. Good luck x

[@carmenfat609]

I think the issue was that you were the one to put in the effort by coming up with new fun ideas, instead of him doing it. He may have felt like you are trying to distract him away from sex with these ideas, instead of him doing the work to impress you

[@helialamster4002]

"buy shit you dont need", omg i love matthew's sense of humor

[@jane63]

This is the truth! Don't skip the dating and experiencing things together part, there is no substitute. Sometimes it is not about the hookup, it is about finding out if you fit into his schedule and it will stall out.

[@christinejorwen9069]

It was so good, thank you Hussey brothers. I'm currently in the getting to know each other stage with someone, and we wanted to have a movie night, but something came up (it's a long story). Than I suggested a picnic in the park, and he was so happy and said it's a great idea. It's not just about sex, but that's important too. Personally, I like to get intimate fast, because I don't get more feelings from that, and I think that's just an other part of us, and we need to know that too - but it's important, to not just that.

[@frankaluice636]

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[@scholargrrl]

Come on Matt - Prime and recline! Totally could catch on!

[@alchemyofcolorandstyle]

Before marriage is too soon for me, thanks. This is my reformed mind at 37.

[@linda8485]

You might want to do a test drive once he's committed and before marriage. My mom confessed to me after I became an adult that my Dad didn't "sleep" with her for 5 yrs after they were married! Needless to say the sex never was very good.

[@taniamiller4572]

It's good to hear a man tell other men, it's not always on the woman to say let's wait. It's sad how still in this day, it's assumed the woman needs to be the one to say no. I'm waiting for the time when men step up and take responsibility.

[@AliKwj]

The more mature and and qualitatively intellectual a man is, the longer it'll take for him to go physical, especially if he's serious in pursuing a quality relationship.

[@smc3927]

If sex outside of marriage was right then anytime would be right and with anyone and as many as you like. Guy whores call females whore's if they sleep around why would it bother a guy so much. Deep down inside we know it's wrong

[@hellofromtheotherside4397]

@@smc3927 Sex existed before marriage was invented (you wouldn’t be here otherwise). There’s no right or wrong...it’s a personal choice and no one’s business.

[@carmenkamberos1156]

That’s the truth!

[@godsplan7726]

Matthew Hussey..the only person in the world who understands what mind thinks.. Matthew Hussey..the only person in the world who understands what heart feels..

[@babajeto8678]

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[@NickNotas]

Have sex when you feel ready, excited, and like the other person has genuinely invested in you. Sometimes that's within the first few dates, other times it's longer than that. We're all individuals and setting blanket guidelines generally doesn't make sense. For example, there are countless studies that show many couples in successful marriages got intimate rather quickly. It's all about what you're looking for and what you're both comfortable with.

[@Ljounieh]

Thank you!!

[@yourfutureisnow6480]

As I've gotten older and through experience it doesn't even appeal to me to get involved too soon. There needs to be time and feelings developed. Like what's the energy like? Are we compatible? Do we like each other? I need to know who this person is as a human being.

[@sandysmith7583]

The pandemic and the social restrictions on public venues/activities is forcing all of us to brush up on our boundaries when it comes to dating and inviting people over. This is challenging everything we’ve known up to this point.

[@aishwaryam9050]

It's true that when you like someone ask them if they are looking for a meaningful relationship or just a hookup. Mostly men are honest about what they want and can tell you upfront as well if you ask the right questions. 🤗

[@borislibaque1558]

You're totally right about this not being a gendered thing. I'm a guy and have found quite often that if I sleep with a girl kindof quickly she starts to feel like that's all it is and suddenly doesn't want to do any other things and really boxes in our dynamic. In fact if I start being abit couply that's often enough to make things seem a little too real for her and she leaves. So then I went to other extreme and would almost avoid sex as long as possible, and girls started pushing for it and chasing it, to the point that I couldn't really hear what part of her behaviour was just excitement brought on by the chase and what part was truly her, what part is real in a sense. I found that in that scenario I wouldn't really get to even meet the real girl until after I've let things progress to intimacy; to use your phrase Matt, I was dating her representative. That's scary bro, I don't wanna meet the real her for the first time after we've had sex! After becoming emotionally invested in essentially a stranger. So having tried both extremes, I personally prefer the first one. I'd rather risk losing the partners who either don't want intimacy or cheapen its importance even though I feel strongly about them, than risk waking up one morning and realizing the person I've been falling for this whole time is actually someone completely different from who they've been saying they were to get me to this point. (see, its not gendered) And a lot of women do that, they hold back who they are and what they want and what they mean. Its incredibly common as I'm sure you're aware, and I get it, there's good reasons for it. But nonetheless, I want to meet the real her the genuine her, so now I've gone full circle and make room things to unfold that way rather quickly, even though waiting is more fun. I still try to get to know her in every other way I can before that, but along that path and mostly because she needs that, and I do so with the realization that she'll completely change who she is after sex and I shouldn't get attached. I still get the issue of now she thinks its only about sex and makes it all in or all out, but its a better problem to have, and if I sense that's how she wants to treat things, I can recognize it now and walk away. No one like being seen in one dimension or less. Love your videos Matt, always learn so much hearing your perspective! I hope sharing my perspective, as guy who loves dating and loves women and wants forever, is helpful to women who read it, in understanding why/how we come to the conclusions we do

[@Xianne027]

Thanks for sharing your experience.

[@Dancediva240]

so are you trying to say that as a guy, just because you had sex early on, that's not the ONLY thing you want from her but she thinks that it is? "have found quite often that if I sleep with a girl kind of quickly she starts to feel like that's all it is and suddenly doesn't want to do any other things and really boxes in our dynamic". You mean you suggest the couply stuff and she doesnt wanna do it?? But isnt that what she wanted in the first place?! To do couply stuff with the guy she is attracted to?? She should be happy you suggested it lol. Could you pls explain further on this?

[@breatheliveandthrive7404]

Modern dating is a minefield where people who want the real thing are like mine sweepers!

[@barbarabrezina1695]

So true!! Don't miss the beginning of the exiting the get to know each other time this is the best time!!!

[@cammokyle]

The problem with this kind of stuff is it really does not matter how long you wait (if the reason is you are worried a guy is only after sex with you), if he only wants you for sex AND sees you as still valuable/hot, a man can wait and put up with a hell of a lot to get to that goal(sex for love, love for sex etc....). Doesn't matter if its week or months sometimes, if you are on his radar for a notch on his belt, he can hold out as long as it takes to get it. A guy who only wants sex will still only want sex regardless of time. Personally I dont think you should wait all that long, get it over and done with so you can know if you even are sexually compatible at all to begin with. If libidos are too out of sync, you wont work as one of you is never really satisfied. Are there some acts you consider important in the bedroom but he/she doesn't? Sexual compatibility is not a given. Some guys don't like "dead fish", some guys absolutely only want that. Some guys want a woman with experience and can handle herself, some guys want girls who know nothing and feel like they are the sole ones responsible for your good sex rmemories. Everyone has different likes and sexual energy and to me, its something you can "tease out" but going longer than like a week of build is legit just getting annoying. As Jim Jeffries once said, "if you dont wanna fuck me as much as I wanna fuck you, then fuck off"

[@notimetodienttd1115]

Jim Jeffries quote - Thats hilarious 😅

[@fufala84]

I like Matthew what you said here. It can work even if you move fast at the beginning. On the contrary, it can be a trap-like feeling if you start to get attached and later find out that you are not really a great match sexually with the other person. At the same time, it's possible to completely lose interest even if the connection is amazing sexually if one can't connect mentally and emotionally with the other person over time.

[@jessicao8517]

TBH the most satisfying long term relationships I've had began with sex on the first date or even just the first time we met. I feel that you have to know what type of person you are and what you want out of a relationship. Sex doesn't necessarily stop a person from seeing the other sides of a person and what value they bring to your life. I just think some people are more astute than others.

[@liisk98]

I have had only one guy in my life be interested in me as a person, not just for sex. Me and him were together for 3 years until he needed to relocate to Saudi Arabia for work and I was not willing to live in a country where women have no opportunities to thrive. I still miss this person years later and every other man who has ever dated me had only sex on their mind, which is so creepy to think about. I did manage to evolve that interest into a long term relationship, but to be honest it felt fake anyways, so it really depends on the intention of the guy from the start. If a guy is interested in you only for sex, that will not change even after you date them for months or years. So ladies trust your intuition, if a guy genuinely seems interested in you, it feels different than lust or physical desire. I love this video so much because I think men sometimes don't understand what they are doing either, they start chasing a girl for sex, then start dating them, and may even go on to develop a long term relationship but the intent behind it is only to have sex, nothing else. So thus they are fooling the women and it is not fair to lead someone on just for the sake of sex like that. Then just be single and play the field, why put a woman through 'a fake relationship'! Sooo creepy!

[@Glowfish88]

I have found that men equate a home visit with sex. Unequivocally. It doesn’t matter how many times I state, “we are not doing that.”, it’s still an expectation on the man’s part.

[@rahilayamusa7837]

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[@carmenkamberos1156]

Definitely, a home visit equates sex!

[@kellymoore6353]

I'm just divorced so newly single and #lovingit.... I wanted to thank you for your videos they have been very helpful in remembering how this works 😂😂😂😂😂😂.... I also wanted to add ...I have found establishing what you are wanting out of something new (being just a physical 'relationship' or actually dating someone) helps a lot in say a months time when he's starting to get 'guy weird' 🤣🤣😳 reiterate what was said from the start kinda calms that down a bit 😳😉....

[@kizzoblack7243]

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[@kizzoblack7243]

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[@tammy_99x93]

My situation is definitely unique in regards to this topic. The guy I am seeing right now, we have known each other since we were kids. I was head over heels for him as a 16 year old girl. Fell out of touch for 20 years when he was married . He found me on social media and that's when I found out he got divorced. We instantly reconnected and I fell completely back in love with him all over again. We talked on the phone constantly for about 6 months due to a distance issue. When we finally did get to see each other, we did sleep together that first night. Not normally something I would do but with him and our history, it was just completely natural and comfortable

[@sherryj738]

I need to take responsibility for myself

[@TreasuredDay]

The problem I face is that most, if not every man I meet from a matter of minutes to those I haven't even met in person but only online briefly, want to immediately be in a dedicated relationship with me. Of course, I don't live that way, and suspect they are saying this to get me into an intimate position much too quickly, and superficially. Also, just because I share a kiss with a man I'm dating, or have dinner with them, does not mean those things are preludes to deeper physical intimacy, which I believe is an expression of your relationship and a naturally occurring demonstration of the feelings you each are experiencing within because of the presence of that person in your life. And, just because 2 people share an intimate act such as a kiss on one day, does not mean you should always be expected to kiss them everytime you see each other, as if one kiss set the stage for being their kissing partner every time you see them hence forth (and as if it has no deeper meaning because done in that way the meaning of it will fade from deep feelings to becoming possibly even a reactive thing to do where deep meaning isn't experienced, and in fact, is quite shallow.)

[@TurtleTimeVoiceOvers]

In the US we say in home care for elderly that are taken care of at home. And we say at home dates or at home dinner. In the UK they say (or Matthew does) in home date. It’s interesting to see differences in US and UK language. Excellent video. Thanks.

[@suraiyamahomed6378]

Thank you. I’m enjoying the wisdom in this video. I wish I’d heard it 10 or 15 yrs earlier

[@kirsteneobrien]

I can’t stop staring at the bottle to the left of Matthew’s shoulder. It’s probably a bespoke candle or something, but it looks like my favorite salad dressing.

[@yellow8172]

It does look like salad dressing 😂

[@KrispyChanges]

Looks like tanning lotion to me

[@yourtransformationgenie]

I believe in what the Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger says, which is that you should not give yourself physically to a man if he has not given you monogamy. That is to say, when you become aware that he is no longer seeing other women, and is openly calling you his girlfriend, then that is the time to consider sleeping together, but even then you can hold off because what matters the most is that the moment you choose should feel right for both of you. There should not be any pressure of any kind. When we started dating my husband-to-be and I did not indulge for a good 3 months, and we had been exclusive for almost the entire 2 months immediately before (from the beginning because we both knew thta we had each found the right person). I was 28 and he was 32, good ages.

[@hannahberlinpetry450]

Why is it up to just women to hold boundaries around sex? Why can’t men be equal members of this conversation? If we are seriously believing that all men want sex right now and all women want to wait, we are being naive. There are plenty of both sexes that want sex now and want it later. Healthy relationships have conversations around this and both partners come together to find a solution about it.

[@Ljounieh]

This is seriously the only reasonable comment here.

[@eehyetti]

“Couply stage“ great expression 👍🏻

[@aurorasanquilly8216]

In-home dates can also be sweet, romantic and meaningful IF you Make them that way - get a little old fashioned and courtship minded. Cook a nice multi-course home-cooked meal, dress up, light some candles, open a bottle of wine, maybe he surprises you with flowers when he comes to the door (my guy did :)) TALK while you have dinner. Play a board game or cards game (we played Yahtzee) or watch a wholesome movie that's not sexual (he suggested the movie Christopher Robbin which was Adorable) and cuddle. Set Your boundaries around the timing of sex based on Your emotional and safety needs and communicate those in the first 2-3 dates honestly. If he respects you and himself, he will honor those boundaries and express his own. Men who are looking for something real, for building a relationship - those men Love romance too, and if you tell them you want to be courted properly, they will court you. If they aren't about that, and you don't want casual, then you've learned right off that it's not the match for you.

[@sherryj738]

Personally I'm not ready to go to someone's home in a month or two. If your already doing this, what is there to look forward to, seriously?

[@Maomaomahu]

I rushed with my current partner but we’re not the “madly in love” type. He’s met my family and wants me to meet his and he’s genuinely the best. He said he’d wait for me no matter how long

[@jleano609]

If a woman doesn’t want to have sex within the first few dates as a man my concern is she doesn’t have genuine desire for me. Women who set “rules” around physical intimacy place a man in a difficult situation. If the man agrees then the woman now has the power, but what woman likes to be more powerful than the man she is with? My experience is that if the man agrees to too much she actually finds him less attractive and it turns her off, not on.

[@jesss.1941]

I think it becomes too boring at the beginning stages where you should be out having a great time.

[@IevaKambarovaite]

That's the thing.. the definition of having a great time depends on everyone's understanding of having a great time :) that's why it's important to define what matters to you, communicate with the person you're seeing and see if you see eye to eye or maybe you can meet in the middle.

[@jesss.1941]

@@IevaKambarovaite Exactly! I always put out there were I would like to go and if they are not interested that’s an indication for me at the beginning if this is the right person. I understand regarding meeting half way, however, it doesn’t interest me at the beginning just hanging out at home. At least not at the beginning stages while getting to meet someone.

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[@paolazo-l4790]

I do not agree. Sexual intimacy is a great way to know someone and if that part doesnt work, sex, then its worthless to have had all those conversations and get to know someone with whom you dont have chemistry. For me, just a waste of time

[@kjl6039]

It sounds like your definition of love is off. You can have great sex and think you love someone, but if you truly love someone then you will love them even as they get older or if they are sick and can’t even have sex. People change throughout the years. It’s the friendship that is most important. Any couple that has been together for decades will say it is the friendship that has sustained the relationship, not lust or sex. No matter how great the sex is in the beginning, it will change. Sex is not going to be exciting or great every time in a long-term marriage. True love is caring about another more than yourself. I come from a long line of great marriages, including my own (21 years). It’s selflessly caring about another person that makes the difference. The lust will end, but in good relationships the love grows. Those that put emphasis on the superficial will have a hard time sustaining a lasting relationship.

[@paolazo-l4790]

@@kjl6039 Hey, you're talking about the one in a lifetime relationship for 1% of people. Most people I know, including me, have several great relationships in their lifes, therefore sex is most important. Your definition of love, that reaches just 1%, is a pathway for frustation and depression for the rest 99% of us

[@Ljounieh]

@@paolazo-l4790 agreed

[@RayannaNorwood.5250]

Matt, do these also apply to long distance relationships? Like how soon is too soon for that online flirting & sex?

[@jessicaborgogni9595]

before marriage is too soon for me!

[@tainahollo8567]

I think a good criterion is: it is too soon to have sex if you feel too embarrassed to talk about sex really honestly and earnestly and thoroughly! You need trust to do it. If you want a long term relationship, it is advisable to discuss also these things beforehand. For example, you may find out you have really different likes and dislikes, or you may not agree about prevention methods, or one of you may have some traumatic experiences that the other must understand. Just jumping to bed may leave many misunderstandings and false assumptions, and if you do not know each other very well, you may not have the courage to say anything if he does something that does not feel very good - or is even annoying - but that he thinks must feel great because some sex guidebook told so... And it will be extremely difficult to tell him afterwards that you actually hate something he has been doing several times or maybe weeks or months!

[@LianaBuzea]

Great, Matt, that you mentioned "sexual intimacy." Cause there are many kinds of intimacy. ✌

[@dochamp2]

My opinion is that women should treat their bodies like a new job, benefits happen after 30-90 days.

[@SlyMenace]

It's kind of like buying a car...you want to take the car for a test drive, you start off slow and then pedal to the metal to see what that car can do. Then if you like you buy. So go out if you like each other flirt have fun but leave them wanting more so hold back giving it up all the way and after a few dates or when it feels right you make sure you test drive before you want to make a commitment because in my opinion if you don't click sexually then no point in continuing the relationship.

[@jadegreen1554]

4:57 intimacy could become a distraction from the emotional, spiritual, conversational connection really needed to be built to extract values, compatibility etc.