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Excuses NOT To Have Sex | Jimmy Carr: Laughing and Joking

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Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr

Күн бұрын

2 words for you...MORNING F*NNY
What are some of the best excuses you've heard over the years?
Taken From Jimmy Carr’s Laughing & Joking
To watch the full special - • Jimmy Carr: Laughing a...
Recorded Live From London's Hammersmith Apollo; Laughing and Joking is packed with one-liners, stories, and jokes: some clever, some rude, and a few totally unacceptable.
The Official Channel for the biggest face in British comedy (literally the biggest face - it's like the moon.)
For the latest tour dates and tickets: www.jimmycarr....
#JimmyCarr #StandUp #Comedy

Пікірлер: 331
@jimmycarr
@jimmycarr 3 жыл бұрын
For the full show - kzbin.info/www/bejne/aqGmeH-Ka5qog7c
@gamegladi8or669
@gamegladi8or669 2 жыл бұрын
good man
@mattyallen3396
@mattyallen3396 2 жыл бұрын
Jims is about as funny as a nail through the foot
@rogerdavis5142
@rogerdavis5142 4 жыл бұрын
Jimmy has the most assured delivery! He never stammers or misses a beat! He’s confidence personified!
@shaukahodan2373
@shaukahodan2373 4 жыл бұрын
Do what ya normally do and just fucking lay there ya lazy fucking cow
@habichiblah7534
@habichiblah7534 4 жыл бұрын
Quick, but tragically unfunny.
@itzsamic
@itzsamic 4 жыл бұрын
Kev Blah Good joke
@AnimeRenegades
@AnimeRenegades 4 жыл бұрын
@@habichiblah7534 Try Amy Schumer. You might find it hilarious
@habichiblah7534
@habichiblah7534 4 жыл бұрын
@@AnimeRenegades she's even worse
@baronmarshland3357
@baronmarshland3357 4 жыл бұрын
Worst excuse I ever got was "No, it's Monday" what made it worse was, it was Tuesday, and still no.
@zapkvr
@zapkvr 4 жыл бұрын
It was Monday somewhere
@baronmarshland3357
@baronmarshland3357 4 жыл бұрын
@@milo2324 mate, if you're over analysing the psychology pertaining to Christianity and monogamist relationships of a comment on a Jimmy Carr video, you sir have had too much internet. Put the screen down and go read a book or something.
@zapkvr
@zapkvr 4 жыл бұрын
@@milo2324 Islam is no different.
@jackfredricks6223
@jackfredricks6223 4 жыл бұрын
@@milo2324 Yes, because women got to say "no" BEFORE christanity... (and this is coming from an Atheist)
@darrenrobinson9041
@darrenrobinson9041 4 жыл бұрын
@@baronmarshland3357 - He did, unfortunately it was titled "Over-analysing the Psychology Pertaining to Christianity".
@chunnil4898
@chunnil4898 4 жыл бұрын
I'm always delighted when a new Jimmy Carr video shows up in Recommended.
@dudinaomi
@dudinaomi 4 жыл бұрын
'new'.
@filmfelineadmin
@filmfelineadmin 4 жыл бұрын
Yep
@fishsauce2221
@fishsauce2221 4 жыл бұрын
The jokes are so old they can legally drink.
@axlem.6977
@axlem.6977 4 жыл бұрын
I read delighted in Jimmy's voice.
@peterhelmore2766
@peterhelmore2766 4 жыл бұрын
he is so up him self , i never have found him funny ha HA uuuuuummmmm
@thebigdawg61
@thebigdawg61 4 жыл бұрын
Wife: I can't, I've got a gynecologist appointment in the morning. Husband: I noticed you didn't mention a dentist appointment.
@Nick_C1997
@Nick_C1997 4 жыл бұрын
I would have went with proctologist
@Kirsten_is_cursed10
@Kirsten_is_cursed10 4 жыл бұрын
You’re allowed to have sex before a gynecologist appt...it’s not like they would know/care?
@rallyfeind
@rallyfeind 4 жыл бұрын
@@Kirsten_is_cursed10 "Oh sure everyone thinks it is fun pulling apart a grilled cheese!" (Told to me by an OBGYN when I asked)
@aForkfulOfGold
@aForkfulOfGold 4 жыл бұрын
@@rallyfeind That's hilarious.
@Ro0p
@Ro0p 4 жыл бұрын
@@rallyfeind epic
@karol8535
@karol8535 2 жыл бұрын
Played this to my wife, then offered a quickie. She could not say 'No'. Best lunch break since long ago!
@MrAssault889
@MrAssault889 2 жыл бұрын
Well played sir
@P.dripps92
@P.dripps92 4 жыл бұрын
So good his timing is unbelievable
@vesicaful
@vesicaful 4 жыл бұрын
Heckle: "She's Dead!" Me: "Why would that stop you?"
@darthvader8892
@darthvader8892 4 жыл бұрын
@Michael Ashfield That's hilarious. I'm fucking dead
@vesicaful
@vesicaful 4 жыл бұрын
@burteriksson I'm aware but i thought heckle was a better word than suggestions
@daviesdavies538
@daviesdavies538 3 жыл бұрын
@Alhamice Dafshile It's sick. But I assume the creepers at funeral homes dabble in it. Why tf else would they be in that industry in this day & age?
@CrippleX89
@CrippleX89 2 жыл бұрын
@@daviesdavies538 because even in this day & age people die. What’s your suggestion, just leave the corpses where they are?
@daviesdavies538
@daviesdavies538 2 жыл бұрын
@@CrippleX89 when did I say that? It's a stable career yes, but really most people have more choice these days than that career. The last mortician I met was creepy af. Sounds like I've offended you personally, maybe it's your field? Btw I didn't say all of them did, but they have access to the dead bodies so
@miscellaneous.7127
@miscellaneous.7127 4 жыл бұрын
The woman who shouted: "I've just run a marathon" at 5:49 is obviously just trying to show off about her marathon.
@maximeprometheas
@maximeprometheas 4 жыл бұрын
I don't think that's what she meant by "running a marathon"...
@kyrie4451
@kyrie4451 3 жыл бұрын
A marathon is a physical actovity that involves multiple participants...
@about45otters81
@about45otters81 4 жыл бұрын
I saw Jimmy Carr perform in Hong Kong last March and it was probably the best evening I’ve had in years
@mikeymcmikeface5599
@mikeymcmikeface5599 4 жыл бұрын
Good for you.
@emdiar6588
@emdiar6588 4 жыл бұрын
That's Hong Kong for ya.
@Swissswoosher
@Swissswoosher 4 жыл бұрын
Jimmy makes even the most mundane thing funny.
@mackcummy4976
@mackcummy4976 4 жыл бұрын
Sex isn't mundane.
@Swissswoosher
@Swissswoosher 4 жыл бұрын
mack cummy no but apparently some things his girl tells him during it are 😂
@mahatmagaand
@mahatmagaand 3 жыл бұрын
Ppppp0pp
@kingcamren2140
@kingcamren2140 3 жыл бұрын
What’s the point in having a sword if it doesn’t get bloody
@RobinMcBeth
@RobinMcBeth 3 жыл бұрын
Stealing this
@bikechainimmortalis6923
@bikechainimmortalis6923 3 жыл бұрын
Fun fact: I have a sword that I cut someone with. It was on accident, and it was a friend, but it's still drawn blood and sent someone to the ER
@xugro
@xugro 2 жыл бұрын
@@bikechainimmortalis6923 please say they lived?
@sadrakarugendo2544
@sadrakarugendo2544 3 жыл бұрын
When he said, a relationship is 50/50 he's actually right 🤣💋👌
@jamescairns6001
@jamescairns6001 3 жыл бұрын
Jimmy is an awesome anti-depressant just need a prescription of his gags 😂
@gvamshikrishna1992
@gvamshikrishna1992 4 жыл бұрын
I have seen all your videos and yet haven’t get bored of the element of surprise that you bring to each of your joke.
@kela80
@kela80 4 жыл бұрын
Best comedian period
@emmamemma4162
@emmamemma4162 4 жыл бұрын
*Best period comedy
@akhilsettypalli8862
@akhilsettypalli8862 4 жыл бұрын
Best comedian blob
@franklahache3679
@franklahache3679 4 жыл бұрын
Akhil Settypalli hahahahaha you made me spit juice out my nose bruv
@fishsauce2221
@fishsauce2221 4 жыл бұрын
Why do some women feel the need to tell the world they're on their period? Do comedy help with the cramps?
@darrenrobinson9041
@darrenrobinson9041 4 жыл бұрын
@@fishsauce2221 - Maybe they started telling in their teen years so their mum could breathe a big sigh of relief for another month, and the habit just sticks with them.
@majcorbin
@majcorbin 4 жыл бұрын
in the 28 years I was married my (Now EX) wife initiated physical intimacy only TWICE as a result i coined the term SEXUALLY WIDOWED
@TheHighSpaceWizard
@TheHighSpaceWizard 3 жыл бұрын
That's hilarious. Hope you moved on to someone more active.
@martinl6833
@martinl6833 3 жыл бұрын
That's twice more than mine!
@user-yw2xx8jv3o
@user-yw2xx8jv3o 3 жыл бұрын
Once the ring goes your fucked, not!
@jeffzuess9149
@jeffzuess9149 3 жыл бұрын
@JANET NYIRENDA she was willing to accept the money he earned.
@CrippleX89
@CrippleX89 2 жыл бұрын
@JANET NYIRENDA shame you stopped the discussion, I was just about to grab a popcorn
@benjaminkidane1760
@benjaminkidane1760 3 жыл бұрын
The pirate part made me crease 😂😂😂
@stephenbest4234
@stephenbest4234 2 жыл бұрын
Best quote from the wife "Don't stimulate me I'm tired"
@kellingtonlink956
@kellingtonlink956 4 жыл бұрын
Very well handled. Thanks for the video, Mr. Carr.
@Gaizkia
@Gaizkia 4 жыл бұрын
Jimmy Carr is my favorite comedian
@Kerlbabi
@Kerlbabi 4 жыл бұрын
He is gold
@someguy3038
@someguy3038 4 жыл бұрын
What brand is he
@someguy3038
@someguy3038 4 жыл бұрын
@Teh Jamez whoa tad racist
@lazyjesus6573
@lazyjesus6573 4 жыл бұрын
Kerlbabi sunned gold 😝
@nicholaswoolfenden5254
@nicholaswoolfenden5254 4 жыл бұрын
@@someguy3038 Rather than gold. Yeah? Right. Fucking relax plonker
@nopenope3416
@nopenope3416 3 жыл бұрын
5:38 was not a good moment to drink 😂
@samsamm1402
@samsamm1402 4 жыл бұрын
"arsenal playing at home" ffs
@maximeprometheas
@maximeprometheas 4 жыл бұрын
I was thinking more of Man U: "Come on you reds, come on you reds /Just keep your bottle and use your heads..."
@conmcgrath7502
@conmcgrath7502 4 жыл бұрын
'The painters are in....'
@samsamm1402
@samsamm1402 4 жыл бұрын
@@maximeprometheas tbf he did say the devils like a sec after ahaha, arsenal just made me laugh yk
@oldguysmusic2929
@oldguysmusic2929 2 жыл бұрын
The audience reactions at Jimmy's UK shows are almost as funny as Jimmy is.
@gillhann244
@gillhann244 2 жыл бұрын
Jimmy Carr I love you, you never fail to make me laugh.
@BeesCantSwim
@BeesCantSwim 4 жыл бұрын
Jimmy, you're the best!
@tticusFinch
@tticusFinch 4 жыл бұрын
Me, an American, seeing thumbnail: *visible confusion* "why is "funny" bleeped out? Sees Jimmy Carr: "ope, got it"
@jet3296
@jet3296 4 жыл бұрын
ope
@tticusFinch
@tticusFinch 4 жыл бұрын
@@jet3296 dont you mock my midwestern ways!
@notyourbruh
@notyourbruh 4 жыл бұрын
@@tticusFinch ope
@elhomo6406
@elhomo6406 3 жыл бұрын
@@tticusFinch ope
@RobinMcBeth
@RobinMcBeth 3 жыл бұрын
Bless your heart 😄
@waxmax117
@waxmax117 3 жыл бұрын
"Arsenal are playing at home" My new favorite term for someone being on their period.
@burdy707
@burdy707 2 жыл бұрын
5:35 that quick thinking was impressive af
@joeg2964
@joeg2964 2 жыл бұрын
Jimmy, you are a genius. Aside from being absolutely hilarious. Thank you for making me laugh out loud.
@rosannaburt3048
@rosannaburt3048 2 жыл бұрын
He's the best you can be annoyed and laugh not many can do this. He's my fav UK guy don't wanna assume so lol n I love it u gotta judge yourself when you laugh like. Ty
@greenleaftreefrog
@greenleaftreefrog 2 жыл бұрын
Jimmy always gets a thumbs up from me.
@anthonywstanton
@anthonywstanton 4 жыл бұрын
You continue to slay me sir! Bravo and well done!
@rahil6455
@rahil6455 4 жыл бұрын
0:45 Could someone explain “I tried it with my girlfriend. She was bored to tears!” 😭😭
@Richard_Jones
@Richard_Jones 4 жыл бұрын
'Bored' as in, he drilled a hole, 'to tears' as in, it fucking hurt!
@nixixim
@nixixim 4 жыл бұрын
bored, a pun that means she was bored(unimpressed), but suggested she was bored(drilled, fucked)
@mikeemery3937
@mikeemery3937 4 жыл бұрын
cheers 😂👍🏻
@ElfSixDave
@ElfSixDave 4 жыл бұрын
"She's dead". Nuff said
@11Kralle
@11Kralle 3 жыл бұрын
A good fisherman also fishes in the red sea!
@Ari22678
@Ari22678 2 жыл бұрын
this guy has me fucking rolling oh my god, I would of loved to be there in person 💀💀
@jakewilliams5796
@jakewilliams5796 3 жыл бұрын
" not tonight tomorrow is garbage pick up day "
@n1ghtmar3mach1n3
@n1ghtmar3mach1n3 3 жыл бұрын
🤣Bored to tears 😆
@DjNikGnashers
@DjNikGnashers 4 жыл бұрын
PMSL at "your arse isn't bleeding though ..........yet" :-)))))))
@andymcgill354
@andymcgill354 2 жыл бұрын
Gotta love Jimmy.
@donwanna3906
@donwanna3906 4 жыл бұрын
Relationship advice from Jimmy Carr? Where do I sign up?!?
@rudolphvialva150
@rudolphvialva150 3 жыл бұрын
Love this guy❤️🔥🔥💯🇹🇹🇹🇹
@AnthonyWright-kf7wo
@AnthonyWright-kf7wo 3 жыл бұрын
I love how broken his give a damn is lol
@billyjeanfiles8408
@billyjeanfiles8408 4 жыл бұрын
DAMN! I'm blessed to had the pause button.
@dallaswynn1232
@dallaswynn1232 3 жыл бұрын
Is it just me or is this guy a young Nixon without the Pinocchio effect?
@americafirst9684
@americafirst9684 4 жыл бұрын
Brilliant comedian
@krzysieksosnowiec
@krzysieksosnowiec 3 жыл бұрын
Jimmy is master of impro
@danieldavid3160
@danieldavid3160 2 жыл бұрын
Simply brilliant! Many thks Jimmy Carr!
@jk7878
@jk7878 4 жыл бұрын
Hes changed so much from when started. Looks very different also.
@dorismc9530
@dorismc9530 4 жыл бұрын
So original👌
@Lord_Skeptic
@Lord_Skeptic 4 жыл бұрын
6:10 the monthly removal of redundant ovarian tissue
@aellalee4767
@aellalee4767 2 жыл бұрын
Lol. I wish I got an automatic yes from guys.
@ECartmanist
@ECartmanist 4 жыл бұрын
Jimmy Carr looks likes he gets offended when he sees poor people
@rosserv123vigg9
@rosserv123vigg9 4 жыл бұрын
Well, if your not poor then yes
@tuyup1139
@tuyup1139 4 жыл бұрын
His entire audience is poor people? I love jimmy carr lol
@user-mc6zk8tc8c
@user-mc6zk8tc8c 4 жыл бұрын
You seem quite insecure about being poor.
@billythepigeon7345
@billythepigeon7345 4 жыл бұрын
He does look like he would, but then again he did grow up in Slough, so he probably wouldn't.
@lazyjesus6573
@lazyjesus6573 4 жыл бұрын
Mr. Zimbabwe it’s because his wiring can’t compute it and could short circuit ⚡️💥 🤖 Ps. I love how people are insulting you about being poor 🤦🏼‍♂️
@TheHighSpaceWizard
@TheHighSpaceWizard 3 жыл бұрын
My current girlfriend often goes for "I don't feel good, not right now" To which I respond "I can make you feel good"
@AutomaticDuck300
@AutomaticDuck300 3 жыл бұрын
Give her a paracetamol and when she says "No thanks, I don't have a headache", say "Great, let's bang."
@js0988
@js0988 4 жыл бұрын
Excuses NOT to have sex, you're Jimmy Carr!
@steelcomrade6871
@steelcomrade6871 3 жыл бұрын
"SHE'S DEAD!" XD
@Slash1066
@Slash1066 3 жыл бұрын
I'm from Cambridge and I have seen Jimmys show there!
@SirNoodle
@SirNoodle 4 жыл бұрын
Jimmy Carter is my second favorite next to George Carlin
@goaway2536
@goaway2536 4 жыл бұрын
Carter. Nice
@finlayevans2730
@finlayevans2730 4 жыл бұрын
He's been promoted to US President
@offensive_name6123
@offensive_name6123 4 жыл бұрын
Love george carlin!
@toropazzoide
@toropazzoide 4 жыл бұрын
May I suggest you some Bill Hicks in your life?
@spacecadet35
@spacecadet35 4 жыл бұрын
That is high praise indeed.
@davidmartinez2407
@davidmartinez2407 4 жыл бұрын
This is good
@Damian1876.
@Damian1876. 3 жыл бұрын
Am on yt 6-7 days per week n am still a year late ,glad I saw it
@shaukahodan2373
@shaukahodan2373 4 жыл бұрын
fantastic!
@icyfrost101
@icyfrost101 2 жыл бұрын
Fucking genius love this guy comedy.
@respectablebogan3276
@respectablebogan3276 3 жыл бұрын
@5:34 for the ROAST OF THE YEAR
@mariozaal
@mariozaal 4 жыл бұрын
Jimmy you are so right
@tylerk9533
@tylerk9533 4 жыл бұрын
She's dead got me
@tylerk9533
@tylerk9533 4 жыл бұрын
@T M yes, very true
@ianforder2886
@ianforder2886 4 жыл бұрын
@T M yeah but if you leave it a few days, you don't need any lubricant.
@mikeymcmikeface5599
@mikeymcmikeface5599 4 жыл бұрын
Ewww...
@mikeymcmikeface5599
@mikeymcmikeface5599 4 жыл бұрын
@Adithya Nair LOL
@chrissim9982
@chrissim9982 2 жыл бұрын
I asked and she said "there's 3 reasons downstairs to never do this again"..... I agree
@ilkhgs
@ilkhgs 4 жыл бұрын
This guy just might have a career in standup comedy.
@alexwood3885
@alexwood3885 4 жыл бұрын
ON THE BLOB
@LuckyLizardGameingRitaXx
@LuckyLizardGameingRitaXx 4 жыл бұрын
What was the first joke??
@terencejay8845
@terencejay8845 4 жыл бұрын
'Arkela' is the name for the leader of a cub-scout group - junior scouts aged 7-12 or so. My Arkela was female.
@_FireChild
@_FireChild 3 жыл бұрын
I doubt he writes his jokes. He's freestyle is too good👏
@Name-hr6bb
@Name-hr6bb 3 жыл бұрын
He does, he was talking about it on some talkshow that he spent months on trial and error on the jokes “he” wrote
@roberttruman8444
@roberttruman8444 2 жыл бұрын
@@Name-hr6bb There's a pub in East London with a small 200 seat theatre where a lot of big comedians come to test out new material. I saw Stewart Lee there once and he came on with his actual notes in hand, and asked the audience to be openly critical with any material that they thought didn't work or needed improvement. It's a side that you don't usually see, but amazing to witness their creative process.
@rosannaburt3048
@rosannaburt3048 2 жыл бұрын
What's the most important thing in a relationship... Consent lol 🤣🤣 joke was the relationship bit tho lol
@rosannaburt3048
@rosannaburt3048 2 жыл бұрын
Followed by trust is. Cuz if you don't truly trust a woman how you know she ain't gonna tell your wife lol
@n.f.lcobra6878
@n.f.lcobra6878 3 жыл бұрын
5:50 I head get the rope lmao idk why but that’s funnier
@ElvisPresley68
@ElvisPresley68 3 жыл бұрын
Sticky Belly 😂😂😂😂😂
@Lord_Skeptic
@Lord_Skeptic 3 жыл бұрын
I can't stay the night I have a breakfast meeting
@jessicaevans7847
@jessicaevans7847 3 жыл бұрын
I can't f*** tonight I'm working on my resume
@oneshotme
@oneshotme 4 жыл бұрын
Enjoyed your video and gave it a Thumbs Up
@davidtomlinson6138
@davidtomlinson6138 2 жыл бұрын
Brilliant
@bawhatever5260
@bawhatever5260 4 жыл бұрын
Some are still coming
@s4msky
@s4msky 3 жыл бұрын
Isn't he look like Joan Cornellas character? :D
@77wolf89
@77wolf89 3 жыл бұрын
Women can yell out "go harder" or "go faster". Why cant we look down at them and yell "get tighter"?
@dannyhall8080
@dannyhall8080 3 жыл бұрын
Great clip
@ThatCoalSoul
@ThatCoalSoul 2 жыл бұрын
0:51 Even this is a joke!
@silva4331
@silva4331 4 жыл бұрын
R kaylee😂😂
@MsGilly1967
@MsGilly1967 3 жыл бұрын
Akela
@beesting7607
@beesting7607 3 жыл бұрын
Whos an otto He makes us laugh balances out hitzys bad
@edwardhughes5018
@edwardhughes5018 2 жыл бұрын
Wowsers his laugh sounds like stampylonghead's laugh
@trekker3382
@trekker3382 4 жыл бұрын
brilliant
@robertsaidel6707
@robertsaidel6707 4 жыл бұрын
like a whip amazing and we all agree 😁
@michaelm5601
@michaelm5601 2 жыл бұрын
What a handsome fella
@eaoryan639
@eaoryan639 2 жыл бұрын
Unless you've just been.
@bawhatever5260
@bawhatever5260 4 жыл бұрын
And that's just to myself
@bawhatever5260
@bawhatever5260 4 жыл бұрын
Don't have any!! Lasts longer
@CMK-Security
@CMK-Security Жыл бұрын
What is He saying at 0:33?
@hussainmithi8883
@hussainmithi8883 2 жыл бұрын
What does "bored to tears" mean?
@emigdiovargas8960
@emigdiovargas8960 4 жыл бұрын
0:33 could someone tell me what he says? I cant understand him.
@pmolqrcd3370
@pmolqrcd3370 4 жыл бұрын
“Have you put on weight”?
@leonardopab5
@leonardopab5 4 жыл бұрын
@@pmolqrcd3370 tyvm
@emigdiovargas8960
@emigdiovargas8960 4 жыл бұрын
@@pmolqrcd3370 Thanks.
@believeanddo4967
@believeanddo4967 4 жыл бұрын
The name Jimmy Carr remind me of jimm carry.....it's the vice versa of names actually.
@bilinasmini3480
@bilinasmini3480 4 жыл бұрын
6:32 I like red sauce on my sausage
@believeanddo4967
@believeanddo4967 4 жыл бұрын
@@bilinasmini3480 yes
@sarge420
@sarge420 4 жыл бұрын
My first was named Rhea Kerr
@gentlemanjim480
@gentlemanjim480 4 жыл бұрын
He does give good practical, every day living advice. For example, it was Jimmy who taught me that the best lubricant for anal sex is not blood. It is tears.
@Albtraum_TDDC
@Albtraum_TDDC 2 жыл бұрын
It's the opposite, you ruined the joke...
@gentlemanjim480
@gentlemanjim480 2 жыл бұрын
@@Albtraum_TDDC what joke?
@Lord_Skeptic
@Lord_Skeptic 4 жыл бұрын
6:32 I like red sauce on my sausage
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