F.I.N.E. After Narcissistic Abuse From The Borderline

Welcome to Q&A Mondays! Please ask any question you have in the comment section and watch the next question and answer video. We discuss narcissistic abuse and the trauma induced. Please leave your locations.
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Monday, January 27, 2025 1/27/25
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[@terra_t]

Here's some good AI info (lol) The key difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is the desire to have something someone else possesses, while jealousy is the fear of losing something you already have; essentially, envy focuses on wanting what another person has, whereas jealousy centers around the fear of losing something you value to another person, often within a relationship.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Hi Terra, I think Isaiah all that and also added the component to envy is i will take it from you and destroy if I can!

[@RelRodriguez-he1ll]

Hello David!! Healing family from California again!!! ❤️ have to comment on ur new logo!! It’s soo gd that I have to say it in Spanish lol. Chingon logo there! Since I was a little girl I loved crowns and my whole house is decorated with crown and I have crown tattoos! Soo I’m extra luvin it. It’s clean, sleek, and to me represents royalty which by far describes u for what u do to help people heal all around the world, living example….. me. Thank u for the difference u make in this world. ❤️ u r much luved by us for being the first one in our healing journey. When my little ones grow up, I will for sure be sharing what u mean to us to them. Thank u

[@DeMarsCoaching]

¡Eres una persona increible! Please don't test my Spanish! Lol Thank you so much for your feedback and your amazing support! I have a crown tattoo as well. I look at the crown as taking agency over yourself and making sure you love yourself first and the shield as battle tested and battle proven as we all are, there is a slash on the shield representing what we've been through but it didn't kill us. A reminder to what we've been through but now who we are. A scar that shows we are survivors.

[@RelRodriguez-he1ll]

@ ABSOLUTELY LUV IT, and the meaning towards it as well. Yes, we r survivors and hold that shield up high, this will not happen to us again. Thank u for educating us and helping so many heal! ❤️ u will forever have 100% of our support.

[@JR_M_615]

Try saying something besides fine or okay when people ask how you're doing, and you'll find out real quick they don't really wanna know how you're actually doing. They're just asking to be polite. Lol It's kinda weird when you think about it how people are always asking how you're doing though. I'm the type who always says I'm fine. But I know how to deal with it if I'm not. Taking breaks from the daily grind does help for me, spending times with my Huskies and working out too. I also traveled last week and it was great! Thanks for another video. I always give them a thumbs up..

[@SurnaturalM]

Hi, I know exactly what you mean. I think that it's just a cultural thing that people do to be polite, but I find that strange. Where I'm from, asking someone "how's going?" Means that person saw there's something visibly wrong with you, even if they're complete strangers, so when people acknowledged me in that manner, I tought that I was looking sick or distraught, is there blood dripping from my face? I'm looking sick? I always thought that greeting people who are complete strangers with such a sentence was kinda weird. It might just be the way I was raised or because where I'm from we don't say that. We great people with a simple "good day sir or madam" > Bonjour monsieur/Bonjour madame / Bonjour mademoiselle when addressing, as an example someone who enter a restaurant or boutique. And the other person will usually answer a simple "thank you" because asking a complete stranger how they are is not very genuine as you pointed out. People don't want to know or care. I know exactly what you mean. I genuinely told that person how I really felt at that moment and the person was visibly uncomfortable. We don't do small talk either, we value our privacy and leave people alone. I was told I was "cold" "humourless" and "rude" because I don't like to talk to strangers. They're not my friends. The culture makes a huge difference. To us, fakeness, if such a word exists, is extremely rude. We are usually very blunt and direct. That's why many tourists from the US and UK think we are rude. The only people who are very similar to us are the french canadian from Québec. I live there since many years. Just like the habit of telling someone "we should hang out sometime" without meaning it. It happened to me a few times and I naively thought they wanted to be my friend, but I was told that it was some kind of politeness. It was the first time I was in New York City. Edit: sorry for the essay. I just tought it was important to explain why I think it's strange to me. I'm from France and live in Canada since 1991.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Great stuff and thank you. Where did you go?

[@JR_M_615]

@@DeMarsCoaching The Great Smoky Mountains. Even the drive to and from Nashville was dope, bruh. Highly recommend it.

[@pondo2319]

When you leave its gonna hurt but not as much as you stay it will rip you apart and then it will leave.......... and try come back, don't love if there's no respect, don't love if there's no boundaries, and talk to family and friends about this abuse is abuse Kind regards From the RSA .

[@terra_t]

I was involved in a similar situation with a KZbinr. The answer for moving forward is to not look at their channel. As David said, if it makes you feel bad, then stop looking. And I was doing good until last night when his latest video showed up in my sidebar, which I really don't understand why since months ago I clicked on "don't recommend channel." I guess KZbin doesn't respect boundaries. So now I had to see his face because it was in the video thumbnail, and I just really do not appreciate it, because I had stopped talking about him and I was going longer periods of time without even thinking about him. I guess I should have stayed off KZbin like I had done for several months last year. But I got sucked into watching videos of the fires in Cali. Oh well. Time to start over. Thank you, David for all the great answers you always give to the questions people ask! (NW Montana).

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Hi Terra! Forgive yourself! Good to see you Terra.

[@Mourning-m3r]

I terminated the "relationship" a month ago. I can only say that after one year and a half reading ORT books, going to therapy, trying to help her, the only thing I am left with is a sense of intellectual inadequacy, overwhelming cognitive dissonance, sense of becoming split and lost in a purgatory of passions, . . . the list goes on. Neither my love nor my knowledge could help her. I am left feeling like Humpty Dumpty, so to speak, trying to put myself- if any self has remained-back together.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

im really sorry. Its really good you hired some support and if they are not the help you need then find it. We can all heal from this. Im sorry.

[@Mourning-m3r]

​@@DeMarsCoaching I appreciate your kind words. You have been of immense help. Through your videos, I've been able to reach a more pragmatic stance. Sometimes, it's better to accept what we can't change. Sometimes, we have to move on for the sake of our own well-being and that of our family.

[@waterbabe2697]

Thanks Again David 🎉. Australia 🇦🇺

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you!

[@rorywright5692]

So nice that your giving your channel a makeover, David! I’m so excited for you! All your plans are awesome! 😎❤️

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you so very much Rory! I hope you like the changes, I think you will like the new set.

[@rorywright5692]

@ I’m looking forward to seeing your new set and what’s in store for us all!😎❤️

[@Doe8617]

Great banner! Wow, now I get "shame"... thank you!

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you!

[@13Parisi13]

Hi David. Jess 39 M from Missouri. Found your work while hurting. Borderline discards are one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Now that it’s been no contact since October 2nd, long enough for me to see it much more clearly. I do have empathy for her. I still think about her daily and I still want to see her and talk to her. I don’t because I can’t control how I feel about her. And I know it would just be me giving her the key to destroy me. I miss the unbelievable love bombing in the first several months. Life goes on. Thanks for your work!

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you very much Jess. Tell your story to someone, somehow. This can be extremely difficult to do alone.

[@13Parisi13]

@@DeMarsCoaching WOW... so... of course after no contact since Oct 2nd and shortly after posting the above message 3 hours ago... she sent me a message on FB messenger. 16 weeks later!!! I'm not going to view/reply but I had to share because what are the odds?! They have to be astronomical!! haha

[@rose-sk2qv]

How do they make you feel as though whatever you do, it's just OK at most, or when you make a small mistake they react as though your a child who can't cope, while everyone else he knows , are trying their best. If they are happy, you should be happy, if they are sad you should react but don't ask why .

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Sounds like emotional exploitation to me Rose but I will dive into this a little more today.

[@rorywright5692]

Hello, David! Such great questions and answers today! Thank you for answering mine! I’m learning to relax more, and take it easy! Glad you got to get away for a few days! We all need that! 😎❤️

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Yes we do and I know you get away too. Thank you for telling me Rory.

[@bryanpauly8519]

F.I.N.E. It’s a true classic

[@Willa4420]

Rory I love the new look as well. ❤ Great change David. Yes my question was a bit broad. I have learned yo disconnect from people I feel are no good for me but it's still difficult. It takes time for me to totally release them. Sorry for the type error. I type from my phone many times. I cut down on Crumbl cookies but I will make a video soon. Promise :)

[@rorywright5692]

Hi, Willa! Maybe it’s hard to disconnect cuz we spend so much time trying to make the connection work, and we don’t want to give up on someone! I guess we just have to let them go, to save ourselves! Hope that makes sense! Stay warm! It’s freezing here!😎❤️

[@Willa4420]

@rorywright5692 Yes !!! Excellent answer ! We put too much effort in and we always remain hopeful . However it comes to a point it is like pearls before swine, we do realize we must cut lose to save ourselves. It's hopeless. Great reply. I can tell you have been there too.

[@SurnaturalM]

That's a good idea. When you have difficulties cutting out people of your life, think about how they can hurt you vs what they bring in your life. If you have troubles to do this, write it on a sheet, and make 2 columns, one for the bad stuff, one for the good stuff, starting with the good things. For each item, good or bad, think about why they do it OBJECTIVELY, as much as possible. Then compare the 2 columns. It will help you to visualise the whole thing. That helped me.

[@Willa4420]

@@SurnaturalM OMG !!! That is an excellent answer !! See I do have the ability to love and for me I had to learn to stay away from toxic people who abuse my love or just take me for granted. People will walk all over you if you allow them. Most toxic people actually can not love anyone else.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

I guess one can have too many crumble cookies! I will bring this up again on Monday. Thank you always Willa.

[@SurnaturalM]

Hi David. I almost removed your channel because sometimes KZbin subscribed me to unknown channels, but then I read the name... I love the new pfp. There's many people near me, firefighters, pilots of the DHC-215 firebombers planes (SOPFEU Robertval, Québec, Canada) who are currently in California to help out to put out the fires. I wish people there to get all the help needed to eventually get back to their normal lives as soon as humanely possible. I was told by my friend who is there that there was rain yesterday so I hope there was enough of it to help. It must be extremely distressing for the people who lives there.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you Martin. I think they are getting them under control.

[@victoriamuniz9851]

Victoria san francisco bay area . If you're dealing with a stalker that just won't leave you alone And you're also dealing with a narcissist.That just won't leave you alone.. What is the difference Is one more dangerous than the other one ????

[@DeMarsCoaching]

I'm sorry if this is you. Each individual is different Victoria. Stalking can be more of a direct threat as its considered possibly dangerous behaviors.

[@RelRodriguez-he1ll]

Hello David, healing family from California! Thnx for all ur answers and just helping so many people all over the world❤️ u recommend kids not having tantrums over 7ish years old? (Correct me if I’m wrong, just trying to learn) my little one (5) has been in a preschool setting since 18 months old. As u know their father discarded us when my little one was 3. Never had issues at school until 3 months after the discard. He is angry, very angry. Both see a therapist since like 8 months. His grieving is just anger. Slowly improving. We have lots of behavioral and emotion charts, routines, breathing. Teqniques, tiny weights, stretches etc all u can think of.I just want ur advice, thoughts. Anything else I can do or add to help his anger????? I appreciate anything u can share with me pls thank u!!!!!

[@DeMarsCoaching]

You are doing great! I'm impressed actually. Think about having other healthy adults that will show him what a man is and a husband and possibly a father. Listen to him and ask him questions. Keep explaining the facts to him with compassion.

[@RelRodriguez-he1ll]

@@DeMarsCoaching thank u! I wish u were closer to us lol. U would b by far be the best adult male role model to have my boys around. Thank u❤️

[@Dubjaxfilms]

Hampstead, North London, England

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Good to see you!

[@Dubjaxfilms]

@@DeMarsCoaching : ) Hi, how are you ? If you ever get to come to London. I'll be happy to take yo for beer and show you around.

[@888A44]

Thank you!

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you!

[@victoriamuniz9851]

My toxic Sister She was so jealous that I was sick Nobody can help You but me she said But she was slowly killing me Making sure I ate nothing but bad food after my Stroke Envy is worse than jealousy

[@cindyc]

🤗❤️🌞Hugs from Georgia

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Hello Cindy!

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Please ask questions and leave your locations!

[@rorywright5692]

Rory, from Ohio! A comment from Sherbert mentioned something I never heard of,Pocketing, so I looked it up. It’s when someone has compartmentalizes you, has secrets, your only able to see bits and pieces of their life that they want you to, they control the narrative. Some examples would be that they are married, won’t introduce you to family, don’t want you on social media. Could you please talk about this, maybe even do a video on Pocketing? A big thank you to Sherbert for bringing this up in their comment! Thanks, David!😎❤️

[@DeMarsCoaching]

I sure will Rory!

[@NarcissistHex-nf9eq]

David, I am helping your channel here by leaving comments. I do want to point out that I asked you a question on one of your prior videos about re-parenting.. I never got a response.

[@rorywright5692]

If you ask a question on the most current Q&A Monday video, he will try to answer. He always says, if he misses it, didn’t see it, or forgot, you can ask him again. Sometimes comments get deleted or dropped. It’s ok to remind him, I have. Take care!

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Hello, I did answer your question. I suggested self awareness and learning what parents didn't give us which are our emotional needs. Learning how to live ourselves unco fictional and communicating with ourselves all the time. I will answer it again on Monday, okay? Thank you.

[@NarcissistHex-nf9eq]

@@DeMarsCoaching thank you, for some reason I don't see it anywhere, appreciate the reply though.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

@@NarcissistHex-nf9eq Thank you and if that is not the response to your question, please ask again in todays video.

[@sherbert777red]

Please help - can a borderline also have NPD ? I’m from the Uk. I’ve just broken up with a male BPD - suffered everything from pocketing , violence , physical and emotional abuse , cheating , lying , gaslighting , smearing of me whilst with him - however “ I’m the love of his life and his rock “ he’s also a heavy alcoholic and drug addict , I know my part - saviour of the lost child 😢. He resents me for speaking out yet says he loves me etc - can he be both NPD and BPD ?

[@motowngirl5891]

It’s ABUSE he is telling you he loves you so you stay around for him to use you as a punching bag

[@Kiraschwarze]

there are comorbidities, quite many have both

[@rorywright5692]

Hi, Sherbert! Thank you for sharing! You’ve suffered so much! It’s good you’ve recognized things that were going on and that you’ve left him. Now you can heal! I have never heard the word pocketing before, so I looked it up. So sad that he compartmentalized you, not allowing you to be a part of areas of his life, isolating you, in a sense. Your comment will help someone else going through this. Take care!

[@sherbert777red]

@@rorywright5692 thank you so much

[@SurnaturalM]

These people can have a lot of overlapping symptoms, usually they get diagnosed with the disorder they have the more symptoms of. Let's hear what David might have to say about it.

[@JKDVIPER]

Hey guys.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Hello!

[@JKDVIPER]

@DeMarsCoaching your material is very valuable. I abide by it, not because I'm special or gifted, but because I was lucky to find much of that wisdom in real time, so after hearing you spell it out, it confirmed what I was thinking anyways, I had been accountable for a while, and was merely letting life happen, free of any misconceptions or insecurities. For the first time in years, I had a good solid backed up routine, habits, ideology, and application in the real world that worked. It's nice to hear that somebody else gets it, and sanitized his regime and landscape with healthy outlooks on boundaries, and accountability in practice. 😁💡💯

[@JR_M_615]

I've never been in a relationship with a healthy woman, and I might never be, but that's okay. I'd rather be single than in more relationships like I've already been in. I'm not looking for a relationship. I just need a long break from even talking in depth to any women. Thanks for all of the advice! I appreciate all of it.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

You have a great attitude JR. People of all kinds with gravitate towards you.

[@DouglasPark-rx2bn]

HI from west midlands England!😊 My partner of over four years was mis diagnosed as bi polar in her home country, here in england, doctors were happy there is no signs of this at all. She has sufferred much trauma in past, but in last year, began showing signs of traits that could be similar to mild borderline?, or maybe narcissistic traits? Even mentioning subject causes an extreme reaction, but im learning how to avoid triggering her, id like to ask, is there any other possible stress related issues that can mimic b.p.d? Here in uk, trying to get help support or even advice is not very easy, and i just want to do what ever i can to give her resssurance , she doesnt serm to have a support network, thanks@

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Im sorry Douglas, she may have C-PTSD.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Please support the Stop Narcissistic Online Bullying petition www.Change.org/stopbullies