Faith in God is shattering me.

Let's talk about Awareness writer, Anthony de Mello and another book The Way to Love, Richard Rohr and certitude, and Andrew Huberman with how being human is special.
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Hi, I'm Corey. I am a writer/actor/comedian based in Los Angeles. I have dealt with mental health issues since the fifth grade. Now I want to laugh with them. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and Depression. I'm not a doctor, but that’s exactly why my brother said I should talk about it.
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[@acheekymonkey]

What has helped me through a recent dark night of the soul, is realizing that the work of transformation is quite challenging. It's not about me being lazy, a loser, crazy or doing it wrong...it's not personal at all. Our minds work in subtle ways, and people have been learning to "see" for millennia, to overcome the wetware that we are given by God or evolution or whatever. The certitude is taking it personally when it's not personal...it's simply the nature of our human experience. We can let go of a responsibility for being born human. Thanks for the video! I recently read de Mello for the first time and enjoyed it.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you for sharing your experience with the dark night of the soul. Reminds me of Pema Chodrons book, When Things Fall Apart. I've never heard wetware before, that's awesome! haha Nice, "taking it personal when it's not personal." I wonder if "nature" is the most revealing word here? That we are a part of it, whether it's God or evolution or simulation or something else. But we forget that we are, we think we are somehow separate and guilty? I don't know. Just thinking. Glad you found de Mello. So many great writings from him! Awareness and Way to Love are 🙌 Thank you for your time and message!

[@willingwinning]

🔥 You turned up the heat in this one. It was courageous, open, and honest; all the while entertaining and captivating.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you so much Mike. That's awesome feedback, especially with the work that we're putting in to learning these different concepts. On to the next for both of us! 🤘

[@sebek12345]

De Mello often said "Before I was enlightened, I was depressed; after I was enlightened, I was depressed." - a variation on the Buddhist koan "before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water; after enlightenment, chop wood carry water.". I am in a very similar place to what you are describing - suffering daily from crippling and painful depression, looking for relief, looking for reasons not to die (and simultaneously waiting for permission to die) and surviving a constant lack of joy, peace, anticipation, motivation, etc. In short, it is painful and traumatic to be alive. I often compare depression to a plane where the ice is gathering on the wings and you are slowly losing altitude, but you have no way to break the ice. You know, instinctively, as you lose altitude every day, that eventually you are going to hit the ground and be decimated. One "mistake" I think I have made in this journey is looking to spirituality for relief, treating it like some kind of stress management program or path to happiness. I don't think that's what spirituality is about, and in my observation, when we expect spirituality to give us some kind of relief from our suffering we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Sure, it may give you peace someday, or it may not. There are plenty of historical accounts of deeply spiritual people who were depressed their entire lives, with very little reprieve, who lived extraordinarily meaningful lives, primarily because of their depression / dark night of the soul. I try to think of depression as the bed of nails that keeps me awake and aware. I do not expect it to make me comfortable, I expect it to keep me awake and vigilant. Awareness, awareness, awareness. What is the purpose of this life? To be happy? To be comfortable? To pay our taxes and be good citizens? Or is the purpose of this life to experience suffering? In an infinitude of possibility, this world was created precisely the way it is, with scarcity, competition, death, depression, anxiety, pain, poo and pimples. None of those things needed to exist. Any world could have been created (life is strange? really? stranger than what?). But this is the world that was created; perfectly imperfect. Why? I can only imagine two scenarios: punishment or edification. For me, everything stems back to free will. I see God as an infinitely intelligent being, if nothing else. Being that smart in a deterministic universe must be excruciatingly boring. Imagine, there would be no level of complexity that would baffle God. He would know the ending to every movie before he even started watching it. His memory is flawless. I imagine God can see the future simply because God's mind can extrapolate every possibility at once in a deterministic reality. So, what to you give a being who literally has everything, knows everything? What gift could they possibly desire? I can only think of one thing: unpredictability (aka, free will). We could have been created perfect. This world could have been created perfect. But it wasn't. Why? What can we extrapolate from that? Do we really believe we are playing a game of "uncle" with God, where if you do and say the right things God will stop twisting your arm? Or is there a different story here, where all of this suffering and our precise "imperfections" has a supreme purpose. I say, lean into that. Transmute suffering into growth. Run towards it, not away. Purge yourself in its fires, and rise from those ashes, all the programming of the matrix burned away...

[@coreybennettboardman]

That connection with the koan is cool. I hadn’t thought of that before. It’s beautiful AND heartbreaking imagery. Thank you for sharing this intimacy. It is so powerful. Yes, that’s very insightful: that the expectation of relief with any therapy seems to be a tricky trap. We don’t want to be completely skeptical, but we don’t want to expect it either? It’s hard to find the balance, and to even remember that it’s an option. I thought because I’ve tried all of these therapies, there is something wrong with me, because I’m not perfect yet. But perfect has been my desert mirage for too long. And it feels decent to healthfully detach. I wonder what you think about this more recent take? kzbin.info/www/bejne/mYepmoiQgJaJZs0 Bed of nails is also very effective imagery. 👏 Definitely can feel that way haha. It does seem that punishment and edification could be likely scenarios. I wonder if it could be both, and something more too? Or none of it? I don’t know. Something more? God seeing the future reminds me of the short story from Ted Chiang that got turned into the movie Arrival. His stories are spectacular, prescient, and expansive. “Transmute suffering into growth.” I like that. With that, we can help ourselves and others in this temporal life experience as monkeys, as spiritual entities, and/or as ones and zeroes in the Matrix. Or within some other landscape beyond our scope of thought. Sending you the same loving vibes, friend. Thank you for your thoughtful message. 💛🙌

[@dennislefan4163]

Life is like water flowing down a mountain. But time is so short.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Makes me think of Anthony De Mello talking about enjoying the symphony by letting the notes go.

[@FreshnessStudio1]

Brother, beautiful and brilliant, like this guy 👉🦋 There's an open mic next week at the local cafe, I've been thinking about doing a 5/10 min talk on seeing. It's funny, for the last week I've been listening to Anthony on this very topic. Cosmic 💫 Funny, he had come back to his class after taking a tea break and started up again by saying to the class; "I was having my tea, minding my own business and somebody here came over to me and asked, "Are you enlightened?" He then asks the class; "What do you think my answer was?" The class replies unanimously, "yes" Anthony say's "What does it matter" The class laugh. He then asks, "do you want another answer?" "Yes" say the class. He replies, "how would 'I' know" . 😂😂😂 This, From one of his books 'one minute wisdom' I think. "How can one be enlightened?" asked the disciple. "See, just see" replied the master. "But does one not see when one is seeing?" asked the disciple "Oh no" a hungry person would look at the moon and see a ball of cheese. A lover will see the face of her/his beloved. When seeing, see what is, and nothing more". Love you, Corey. Nice to see you again 🦋

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you! Great to hear from you! Funny that you were listening to Anthony about this this very week. I also love an open mic! Clearly...haha 🎤📺 I appreciate the humility in that story!! That's a fun one. Such great stories from him! Labels, perceptions, concepts, hard not to get lost in those....AWARENESS!! Thank you again for your sharing! 🙌💛

[@victoreremita5075]

Amazing editing and references to all the diverse ideas and sources which follow the same thread. Thanks for your vulnerability. I think you should keep doing this! And I do believe our problems will dissolve given time and practice.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you so much Victor! I'm glad that you checked it out, and I really appreciate your positive message! We keep going. 🙌 Looking forward to seeing your take on a blog or vid some time!

[@TheSamz9]

I LOVE your channel!!!!!

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you so much!! This means a lot to me. 🙌

[@karengoodfortune]

I so love that you have this channel! I wish you would do a video every day!

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you very much Karen. I extremely appreciate your continued support. More on the way from this slowpoke!

[@victoreremita5075]

I have had the exact same feelings about sacrificing the positives but not being able to sacrifice the negatives. I think we should carry over the idea of doubting certitude to this notion, because we know that on a deeper level these "positives" are shallow attachments that are keeping us from the ocean of happiness. However, it does not make sense to be angry or ashamed for failing to drop these attachments, since this kind of anger itself arises from an attachment to "being pure/righteous." I am running an experiment now, defaulting to De Mello's ideas of free will/Nature/God, ie seeing myself as innocent and pure as a rose, no matter what my actions have been. This is a hard pill to swallow because it amounts to a rejection of the meaning of material reality. But I am testing my hypothesis that this will lead to a realization of unity, peace, and the dissolution of my problems and pain. I agree faith has historically been corrupted by authority and illusions of infallibility. I do not see these ideas as infallible, but I am also not afraid of them. I think many people (esp in USA) do not get as far as testing these ideas with an open mind because we have so much fear programmed into us of being alone, being mediocre, being unproductive, etc. If you have the time, recommend viewing Solzhenitsyn's 1978 address at the Harvard commencement for a fascinating perspective on the corruption of western materialism. I am interested in applying the scientific method to ideas like this and formulating falsifiable theories. As someone who has experienced chronic pain and resulting despair, I feel a strong sense of purpose in making these ideas more accessible via testable explanations (if knowledge/understanding extends this far into the abstract).

[@coreybennettboardman]

Great stuff here. Contemplating a response. 🙌

[@coreybennettboardman]

Yes, the not sacrificing the negatives along with the positives is real tricky. And that’s great…to “carry over the idea of doubting certitude.” Any way we slice it, we love to get attached lol. As far as rejecting material reality. I wonder if that’s a section of it…a section that exists both on it’s own, and surrounded by The Absolute, whatever the fuck that is. 🙃 But it may be more attachment, an attachment to detachment? Yes, fear programmed into us with society and our primal roots is hard to pierce haha. Looking forward to viewing this Harvard Address. Thank you for the rec. I love this… “if understanding extends this far into the abstract” - I suppose there’s only one way to find out! It sounds like you have a strong purpose stemming from your pain, to share and help others. You seem to be smart, humble, and kind. Looking forward to seeing what you create!

[@victoreremita5075]

@@coreybennettboardman 🙏Thanks :)

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@victoreremita5075 🙌

[@itsmikearch5650]

The Way to Love is the first half of “Call to Love” 31 chapters. Written to be more like a meditation type contemplation reading. Maybe 1 chapter a day. Each opening verse is a hard saying Jesus spoke. Hard book to find. (I own 20 copies). DeMello like to say he is just doing his dance. If you get something out of it great. If not, great. I love when he said the Guru points to the moon but the idiot only sees his finger. Waking up is a beautiful thing. Good luck on your journey.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you Mike. I appreciate your thoughtful comment. It sounds like Anthony has been a beacon for you too. Also, I love both of those quotes! I also reference them all of the time. I think about doing the dance and moving forward constantly with this channel. Thank you and good luck to you too. 💛

[@chasingcuriosity1]

Wow, Cory, that was so good man. Your editing is getting so much better. And the content was great also. Thanks for this one, it really connected to a lot of what I have been feeling lately.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you so much for that kind of feedback Ahren. It's special to hear that it connected to what you've been feeling lately. We keep trying! 🙌 Or wait...don't try... 🙃

[@dennislefan4163]

God and how he looks at us . We are so inadequate we have human minds and are no we’re near him, that is good. Are life’s seem so mess up, but he is all over us watching and glad to see that we are apex idiots.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you for the reply Dennis and your care. I love "apex idiots". I'm going to use that! 🙌

[@dennislefan4163]

@@coreybennettboardman good glad I can help.

[@dennislefan4163]

@@coreybennettboardman you are far ahead of me. This is the time you acquired your target and advance.

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@dennislefan4163 🙌

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@dennislefan4163 I'm not sure about being far ahead. It feels like we're all stumbling around the same things. 🙂

[@JaysonT1]

So the question is, what is the balance between taking agency/responsibility and acceptance/being?

[@coreybennettboardman]

I defer to someone far wiser, the quote that I often come back to from Ram Dass. In this life, "You need to remember your Buddhist nature, and your social security number." And it feels like that balance is going to look different for everyone? 🤷‍♂️

[@JaysonT1]

Where is Mr Boardman again? After about 3 weeks I get an itch for another video and then keep an eye out for it.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Haha, LOVE TO HEAR THAT! Thank you Jayson. We're almost done with the next one...it's been over 3 years in the making... 🕉

[@JaysonT1]

@@coreybennettboardman Alright, a movie!!

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@JaysonT1 Haha, not that long! It's still a shorter youtube vid, but the subject matter is from the last 3 years! 🧘‍♂️

[@JaysonT1]

@@coreybennettboardman Well I have to tell you, Mr Boardman. The level of vulnerability and authenticity that you are willing/able to display in these works, are beyond the word "powerful". I like to think of myself as a pretty "aware" guy. If nothing else, I see some possibilities of myself that could be. You don't know what you don't know. Your work helps me ask questions I didn't know about. And I REALLY thought I pretty much connected with myself.

[@JaysonT1]

@@coreybennettboardman That being said...Your video is due in 2 days....lol. joking!

[@Dagfari]

The truth about Christ is that the creator of heaven and earth condescended to take on human form. He experienced the suffering that you experience first-hand. People often think about the divine nature of Christ, but the human nature of Jesus means that he knows exactly what it is like to be restricted in time and space. God, described as Omniscient, knows our inmost thoughts - that means He knows intimately the experience you have of depression and anxiety. He knows that just as if He had had that experience Himself. You do this thing where you gesture with your hand backwards and over your right shoulder. "The observer is always watching" "The self is always watching". That's not you my friend, and the people who gave you that particular idea lied to you. You are you. You are your soul, experiencing life within a body, and you are not also some other disembodied soul. From Isaiah 30, 19b-21: "How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you... Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you for your support. 🙌 That's a beautiful verse.

[@Dagfari]

@@coreybennettboardman kzbin.info/www/bejne/oGKtiqaErLRgkKc

[@coreybennettboardman]

I'll check it out! Thank you.

[@JaysonT1]

You good, bro?

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you so much. Yes, just been deep in the tank. Sending you good vibes too! 🙌