How Enlightenment broke me.

Let's talk about tasting enlightenment, Kapil Gupta and his Awareness exercise in the book Atmamun, and the circle of happiness and misery.
Hi, I'm Corey. I am a writer/actor/comedian based in Los Angeles. I have dealt with mental health issues since the fifth grade. Now I want to laugh with them. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and Depression. I'm not a doctor, but that’s exactly why my brother said I should talk about it.
This is a literal self help channel. For me, and hopefully for you. 🙌
-Corey Bennett Boardman
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[@EthanDodd]

My man, checking you out from Synthesizers. I was frustrated with this concept too on my journey. I was wrestling with it daily and flipping from each extreme. I had no one to talk to about it. I wanted to claw my eyes out hahaha. What helped me, as you said in the video already, is that it isn't binary it is both. It's on a continuum. The natural question that follows is, "How do I do both?" How do I lead a meaningful life when "no-thing" matters? And not go insane!>?! Tolle talks about a primary and secondary purpose in life. Inner and outer. Your main purpose is to be conscious now; this is your inner purpose. Think when needed. Let consciousness, god, or the time-less dimension flow through you into what you are doing. Once you master the here and now and hold that frequency you will experience fulfillment/ enjoyment because you will be aligned with Being or the present moment. The alternative is chasing your own tail trying to find it in the world or somewhere in the future. Ego is a dysfunctional relationship with the present. The outer dimension is chaotic/unstable and we can never find enjoyment from it, it comes from the inner dimension. Also, we can never find it in the future only now. Outer purpose can be anything really. Tolle says to base it more so on an activity over "having". "Having is static and doesn't empower you." An activity gives you a chance to be connected with others and the whole. So instead of, "I want 6 million dollars in the bank" your purpose could be, "to enrich the lives of others by publishing videos on KZbin" (Or with standup comedy). Your success then is evitable because you already possess all of the knowledge and skills to do this, and the "have" goals will be met as a byproduct of this repetitive conscious action. You will get what you give to the present moment. You will find meaning in anything you do if you're totally present. How you do something is more important than what you are doing. Enlightenment as I can describe with words is "Be here now" and making that a habit to the point where it happens automatically. I always thought it was some fairy-tale place for saints and sages that I would have to work towards, but it was another delusion of the mind avoiding the present. It's free for all right now. You probably know all this already, sorry if it wasted your time or if this was unwarranted. Perhaps it might be see by someone who needs it. Any who, I enjoy your content and journey. You're very encouraging and there for people in the group and that's awesome. Keep up the good stuff! Peace, Ethan

[@coreybennettboardman]

Ethan!! Awesome man. Thank you for this super thoughtful response. Definitely NOT a waste of time and I’m always jazzed to hear what people have to say about this stuff. It’s heartening for me and I’m sure for others who will read it! Thank you fro sharing that this was frustrating for you too. 💅👀 (claw eyes? lol) The continuum is interesting. It’s wild how this stuff keeps coming back to paradoxes. I like that explanation from Tolle as well. It vibes well with what I’ve been reading recently from Watts and Kapil Gupta. I definitely can’t fully understand and integrate all of it all the time yet though lol. I also tend to be ruled by not only the future, but the past as well. I would appreciate more Awareness and balance, coming back to the mind as a tool. And coming back to the Now. But once I know I'm in the Now. POOF. Gone! I appreciate that reframe for making videos on KZbin. Makes me think of this quote from Marcus Aurelius: “Aiming to do what, then? To try. And you succeeded. What you set out to do is accomplished.” It sounds like you are living in bliss a lot? Is there anything that knocks you out of it, or that you’re struggling with about it currently?

[@EthanDodd]

@@coreybennettboardman Life is blissful yes! I'm knocked out of it all the time, and that's okay. I return my attention and focus back to my breath or the task at hand, and continue forward. As soon as you realize you were "knocked out of it" that is awareness. What knocks me out of the present is the ego. The ego is quite resilient and constantly looks for ways to bring you/me out of the present. Most common for me: Unconscious thinking of the past and future, continuous stream of thought, or habits of my unconscious self, or as I like to say my "conditioned self". Conditioned self being the sum of society's beliefs of who you should be mixed with your own beliefs about your identity. Anytime I realize I am "struggling" with anything I know it to be a reaction to a thought. I then become present and release it. You can break anything down to its first principles and solve it without all of the emotion. Things become quite easy, effortless being the new buzzword haha, because you just do one thing at a time.

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@EthanDodd Thank you Ethan. Where I’m at right now, this helped a lot to read, to take solace in. It’s funny. I feel like I catch a lot of thoughts, but others will swirl and whirl in rumination. But the worst part, is that even when I catch those ruminations, I still will let them fester and run amok. As if I like it somehow? Ego ego ego. This is a huge question… What would you consider your first principles?

[@EthanDodd]

@@coreybennettboardman Glad I could help, that's what it's all about! The ego loves anything it can use to reinforce itself, denying the present and using thinking as its main tool. There was a level of attachment I had to my thoughts, I cared too much about what my brain was saying and then I would argue with myself. Homeless people on the streets do this out loud and they are labeled crazy. Yet, this happens all too often in our heads; we just have a little more awareness to not do it aloud. The arguing with one's self is a form of resistance. Acceptance is the answer, or to let it be. It dissipates back to the space of which it arose. You are the space, for thought could not happen without space. Which first principles? The way of thinking or fundamental truths? First principles as a way of thinking is where you break the problem down into its fundamental parts. You get clear on the problem(s) and write it down. Once you have a clearly defined problem you can begin to find the solution. (Which is what I was referring to in my last comment) Examples of first principles as fundamental truths could be a number of things. Mainly because we can never know, through words, absolute truth that's why there are so many relative truths that all point back to the same thing. I think this is why religions fight so much haha they all have a piece of the truth and they have a level of attachment to the words creating an ideology. Then fighting over who's words are more right. The reality I have come to is the meaning behind the words, they are all saying the same thing. #1 We come to know absolute truth through relative truth. Our brains understand things in a binary fashion while ultimate truth is quantum. Object + Space at the same time or as you say, "Life means everything and nothing at the same time" When we try to rationalize that (or anything quantum) we can't do it, it breaks the brain hahaha it's genius (holding two opposing ideas without losing your mind). You are a genius my friend. You could also say that we come to understand quantum truth through binary thinking and the use of extremes + spectrums/ continuums. Last one, Words are binary as well, how could vowels and consonants aka air through flesh ever describe the indescribable. When I was learning this stuff and I still am by teaching it helped me to look at the same thing 100 different ways. That's how I got it, so I'm sure one of these will resonate. #2 The mirror Essentially your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. Another way to realize the mirror is "you get what you give". You reap what you sow. Or as karma/ darma. It's all the same haha. Here is a rhyme from T. Rob. "The secrete to living is giving." , To live is to give. Not in the sense of giving a gift, although it could, but more so you are emitting a level of energy or frequency that is constantly being compounded and given back to you. Pretty wild. #3 Consciousness This is also called awareness, space #4 Imagination - creating things in our minds #5 Choice - Also known as independent will #6 Self- awareness - The ability to be objective of one's self This is getting quite long! haha I'll let you discover the rest unless you want me to keep going haha. Beautiful fundamental things!

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@EthanDodd Uh oh, I do argue with myself out loud. Maybe that’s why my neighbors look at me funny while I’m on my daily walk? 🙃 Yeah, I suppose how you use the concept of first principles to explore and solve fundamental truths is what I was asking, so thank you for explaining more. This is what I was looking for, even if I didn’t express it clearly haha. That’s interesting with what you said about words and people becoming attached and fighting over them. Brings me come back to Alan Watts saying that “words are [just] coins”. They can’t fully encapsulate the idea. They can only represent. Lol, thank you for expressing my brain breaking from quantum ideas. It’s ironic that this makes sense. We “understand things in a binary fashion while ultimate truth is quantum.” Because once it makes sense, it breaks apart… Again, really appreciate the response with where I’m at with all this. You mentioned teaching. How are you teaching this?

[@HammzRadio]

I’ve been on a journey of “letting go” for the last year. I can relate to everything you said in this video. The amount of crazy i feel when I try to talk to anyone about this is astronomical - so it can get really lonely.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you very much for dropping a message. Yes, it can get really lonely. It is a weird paradox to exist in a monkey body that survives through connection WHILE enveloped by an unexplained force at the same time...God, Math, Love? I don't know. Glad you reached out. You are not alone. 💛

[@brittneykrause2886]

I hear you, and I see you. And how joyous that this video is 5 min., mirroring the Gupta qoute you chose. Thank you for these 5 minutes of reflection.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you Brittney! I appreciate your support. Mirrors everywhere... Thank you for your 5 minutes of watching and comment. 💛

[@karengoodfortune]

Love family and friends…. Please make more of these videos! I love all that you share with us❤️

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you Karen. I always appreciate your support. 💛

[@kelleyweld2946]

This is exactly where I find myself. 💙

[@coreybennettboardman]

I'm humbly glad this video connected with you. This experience is dizzying, and yet I'm heartened that there are people like you, who are seeking. 💛

[@tanpen15]

Im right there with you. Sometimes I wonder if ignorance was real bliss.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Sometimes it feels that way! 🙌💛

[@maxmoonstone]

I we could be in both places, enjoy all those earthly little things we wanted to stick to all these years and at the same time let them go. Be someone and be no one. Thank you for your videos.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you for the response maxmoonstone! That's solid! Working on enjoying without attaching, or at least being Aware of it lol 🙌

[@JaysonT1]

I waited a few days to comment on this one (to "meditate" on it). Only the ego wants to get rid of the ego. I know the more I fought to get rid of my ego, the more of it I had. I have moved to simply accepting that I have, and probably always will have, an ego. It's a journey, not a destination. I think it's fine to do something and enjoy it (and the results if it bears any) but when it's over, let it go and just be aware that it was ego. Zen masters speak of how what we push against pushes back. So perhaps the ego is not the problem, it's our problem with our ego that's the problem.

[@coreybennettboardman]

I appreciate your thoughtful reply Jayson. Thank you! Definitely a sort of chicken or the egg type of paradox working here: having the ego, but accepting it to lose it. Awareness, Detachment, Awareness, Detachment.... Down the rabbit hole we goooooooo. 🙃

[@JaysonT1]

@@coreybennettboardman I think it's even trickier than that. Accepting the ego to "get rid of it" is a game with "unpure" motivation (give me a break, it's early in the morning). What I mean by that is, it's a condition. "I'll accept now with the future promise of change". It's like Accepting a romantic partner but with hopes of changing who they are. Now the important part. This is why it's tricky. I think accepting doesn't mean not trying to better something, but the correct motivation must be there. WHY we do anything (a pure motivation) is far more important than what we do. Accepting the ego with the goal to get of it or murder it, isn't beneficial. I think any dissolving of the ego is simply a result and not something we are doing. In ACT therapy you are taught to accept and even thank your mind for negative thoughts (as they are trying to protect you) in doing so, the negative thoughts go away or dissolve. The motivation is never to get rid of the thoughts when they come. Idk, what do you think Corey? You know, I've never seen a single rabbit in any of these rabbit holes....

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@JaysonT1 I’m sorry. My words are clumsy. I suppose I meant with “to lose it”, ego, is to not be ruled by it in the moment. It seems to always be there as a human. With the “unpure” motivation, I appreciate the idea of coming back to craft. No mind. Flow state. that’s an interesting state. NO need for any conditions, just immersion. Perhaps the “pure” motivation that you’re speaking about? I didn’t know about ACT. I was brought up with CBT. So it’s interesting to research another treatment option. Thank you for sharing that! Lol. Perhaps we don’t see the rabbit, because we are the rabbit and inside of the rabbit at the same time… 🐇🌌

[@JaysonT1]

@@coreybennettboardman I've noticed (at least I believe) though your videos that you have a specific type of relationship with words. You're a wordsmith. Accurate expression is almost painful to achieve and at the same time it never seems quite accurate enough. I'm not referring to the flow state with "Pure" motivation, but I'm with on that. Perhaps a better term would be "intention". The reason and meaning behind what you say and do. If I'm not mistaken, ACT is a branch of CBT but very different. Oooooh, so we are the rabbit....that's it Corey, you did it!! NOW IT ALL FINALLY MAKES SENSE!

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@JaysonT1 Haha, yes, accurate expression is painful to achieve and I don’t ever feel like I’m accurate enough. Plus, my attitudes usually adjust while editing, and AFTER publishing. 🙃 Yeah, I like the intention idea. Kapil Gupta refers to that as Sincerity. I like that too. If we’re even talking about the same thing haha? Glad to research ACT yesterday. So much out there to explore!! 🌌🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🌌

[@metadoran]

Cool excercise, bro!

[@coreybennettboardman]

Heyooo Fedor! Definitely a fascinating exercise to try! Thank you for the drop-in. 🙌

[@FreshnessStudio1]

Corey... You're weird and wonderful. There's so much light and love in your heart. Dear Soul. Teo say's; We are being, yet we use non-being. Quite a paradox there hey. I see, we can all too easily get quite self absorbed into ones feelings, what we do, what we don't do, how we react, or don't etc. I understand one feels the need to, and one does. Then, there is self observation, this too, is self but rather seeing the self from a different perspective, simply seeing the self, as apposed to deep within the self. Yet, all this is self. Though, self observation is not being self absorbed. Today, I understand there's a lot more, one can go beyond the self where there are no words and yes, words do not matter. Way beyond the reach of words. You know, You didn't have to say a thing, I still would have cried, and I ask, where are these tears coming from? Is it me, is it I, is it the realization of devine son-ship' within? Does it matter? Should I have to know, Or, is one OK with, "how should 'I' know? We are unique, wondrous and creative, in the most pure loving way ever possible and, we are now, now is like spring, growing, flowing in the flux of reality. This is paradise, right now. Your brother, Ben.

[@sdmains]

Thank you Ben! This is a great add-on to Corey’s thoughts…

[@FreshnessStudio1]

@@sdmains 🦋💚🦋

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you Ben! 🙌 I always appreciate your thoughtful response. Perhaps I will do a video exploring the Tao Te Ching, but I feel a bit intimidated haha. I'm sitting and contemplating all these words. This is paradise, right now....awareness, awareness, awareness. 🌌 Thank you friend.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you for your watch and message Shirley! 💛

[@coreybennettboardman]

🙌💛

[@ifgenia]

I had/have similar situation... 🤔 previously you had an idea what was right to follow (from outside world). You re-evaluated these ideas and stopped paying attention to them. You had simply no interest anymore and there was no effort in it. Your search for answers is your obstacle now. You are trying to get somewhere. Previously it was let’s say buying new phone, dating someone you liked etc. Now you are on a quest of getting kick from enlightenment... Now ‘I’ is on a ‘spiritual journey’, ‘I’ became something again. Something different than before but something. The fact that you cannot stay in the state of enlightenment is because you think it has a good value. So you want to be there. You want good for yourself and trying to run away from bad. You might even feel desperate. But stop for a moment. Be good with your misery state. I really mean that. Stay in there. It will come and go. Without any action. The only thing you need to do is to watch it. It is there to show you something, not to be corrected. Funny enough, I lost my 3 year bliss state, attachments happened and while trying-not-trying get to that state again I have found myself repeating same pattern like before my first awakening: I’m only watching, watching, watching… don’t want to change what is, that’s what de Mello was saying and it worked before (LOL), okay it seems I have a target to achieve, not good, ok, watching, watching, no target, watching, watching myself, watching… feels good… Am I there ?! Puff, gone, misery again. And how much obsessing over the right outcome… just like before with getting applauded by others 🤦🏼‍♀😂 (…) but I also want to make these videos, also want to experience (…) - one though that came to my mind. These videos, on certain topics. What if someone was to take away your YT channel from you? How much would you suffer? Are you trying to become something or someone? What if you accept that your channel doesn’t have to have certain shape or regularity. Can there be a creativity when the form of square or circle is expected? Let yourself f*** up something. Or a lot. Really let yourself do that. Let yourself be wrong. We could say as an encouragement “It’s good to be wrong” but as soon as you believe this is good… it becomes dead, worthless, and damaging for you same as your belief that enlightenment is good. ‘Release of attachment while giving everything you have’ - giving everything is not an action, is a result of releasing attachment. Don’t focus on none of them. Just see that you have an attachment and play with it. Like a goldsmith ;) And it is a tricky one. When ego came back and ego knows best it tries all the tricks to get the expected result… And if it remembers the result was to give everything, it will try to do just that. ‘Feeling lack of connection with other people while trying to explain them what I feel’ - loneliness happens only when you need someone... I have lost need of people 10 years ago. That was my cause of death to self. I have noticed it crippled back after 3-4 years. I could tell you it is a mind trick but it will be no help to you. I was telling myself that ‘I know, I should be able to fix it”. What a fool I was. Something like truth, being alive and fluid in nature became dead under my own concept of knowing. I wanted to keep it in the box. To finish this super long mind chatter, I won’t say I’m enjoying your channel and your videos as this might just get you stuck in your own attachment-trap. Keep doing it freely :)

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful reply. Working on simply watching. That is a lovely feeling. To not have to "DO" anything about it. This is new for me, to really feel it. What do you think made you lose your 3 year bliss state? And did you feel it immediately? Interesting insight on what I'm trying to become with this YT channel. There is definitely ego attached. I'm aware haha. But the experience and exploration seems to bring me back to presence. I also feel like I can't help but fuck up on here. I've done it over and over already. Also, I do stand up comedy, so that is constantly a train wreck lol. 🚂 Release of attachment. The work from Kapil Gupta is fascinating to this end. He originally was a coach for PGA golfers, and his mindset training is different than anything else I've heard in that realm really. He speaks a lot to "play", as you stated. Coming back to craft for craft's sake. Loneliness is cutting to the core of some of my deepest primal issues. I suppose it does with most people. Ego is fighting hard on that one lol. Thank you for your time and comment and thoughtfulness. I won't say I enjoyed it, but keep doing it freely. 🙌😉

[@ifgenia]

@@coreybennettboardman Hi Corey, my ego is “happy”, I could shine some light with super long reply 😄 Here is another one 🤣 You gave me pat on the back with first one, then this should bring another pat on the back... Maybe even better pat as this reply is even longer LOL ... You know well, these things are not easy to explain… My 3 year bliss state… Well… Loosing it is as important as finding it. It was a long process but there are no rules. It depends on how quickly you are able to brainwash yourself with new ideas of what is right or wrong. Loosing bliss is inevitable i guess. In my case, at the beginning the awakening itself was seen clearly due to contrast. Usually one must go through a lot of pain before. Next minute the pain is gone. You are left with bliss and then you get used to it. The nature of enlightenment itself is that you have it always with you until you obscure it with something. To experience your true nature is to remove all the filters that don’t allow you to see reality. And after some years I have applied new filters without noticing as I was very comfortable. Only when my new filters started to hurt me I have realised that I have them at all. And those were: 1 - Job. Comfort of getting paid good enough. This comfort built a fear of loosing my job. Then nasty manager happened. ‘I’ felt even less safe. So I had to address this problem in the ego style - I tried harder not to loose this job. Attachment became greater. By *’I’ felt even less safe* I mean illusionary idea of who I am. In reality it is just an idea but it ‘really’ feels like part of me. It brings strong conviction of my job being almost like part of my body. It means when I loose my job it feels like part of me disappear, like my leg, or something. Pressure of keeping it is immense. Risk of loosing job made me feel like part of my body is about to be chopped of. This feeling is as strong as unwillingness to let this thing go. If one can accept impermanency and fact of loosing something, there is no pain. 2 - Trying to change someone. I simply disregarded the truth of “all is good as it is”. Equivalent of showing your back to God. Sensation of “I know” have arrived. It comes with judgement and it always place you above others. To have an access to the bliss state there must be no interest in changing anything. No judgement. No trying to be good or to achieve anything. Just to let things unfold like a story / movie in front of you. But then as I saw the truth I wanted to show it to someone else. Imagine, Truth with capital ’T’ - an answer to all misery in this world! I could see all that was wrong. I’ve used ’see’ instead of ‘know’ Intentionally. I saw the way out of misery for humanity but I couldn’t make another person see it. Then slowly I started to feel ‘I know’ the answer. I know! And here is the whole trick of the ego: it comes back to you as knowledge, certainty, infallibility. And mental manipulation appeared: I know the truth, he doesn’t. But de Mello said I shouldn’t change anyone… But I’m not changing anyone Okay, he can be the way he is Oh, he is unhappy, I know the answer! I have to tell him! LOL To add to the problem, sometimes I was succeeding. The person saw a little bit of logic and my ego was getting stronger. I was trying harder again. The “let’s fix the world” attitude appeared. And thats exactly what keeps us away from bliss. In reality nothing have to be repaired. All is good. 3 - I cared if someone liked me. And this hit me by surprise. I didn’t expect that because I have really solved this part of the puzzle, and it was the most important one. Feeling bad about being disliked was a recent occurrence. I didn’t see it coming until I felt the blast of it. I have met a person that was nice to me in the new environment, it wasn’t work related, there was no dependency. Few months passed by, we had a few nice chats. And that was it. But then small misunderstanding have happened and my body went full panic. All came back to pre-bliss state. I did not expect to go through this again. I wanted to avoid that woman, I wanted to justify I was right. Thinking about this situation was making me nervous. I stopped watching the movie of my life unfolding in front of me. Instead of watching it I was taking very active part again. When speaking to my partner about her I was like a snake, wanting to blame her but thankfully I was aware of my game. As soon as my mind validated itself I was trying to say one sentence and immediately had to stop as I could see my manipulation through. It was actually funny to watch for me. 1 hour of started sentences. And most important! At the beginning there was unwillingness to talk about it with anyone. I just wanted to hide and don’t let anyone see. That’s what need for acceptance brings - isolation. I would be happy to write more about freedom from opinions and loneliness. Some insights that have worked for me, how I processed my observation, etc. It’s just going to be even longer XD and reading foreign english can be tiring. But I’m happy to make your eyes and brain hurt with all grammar mistakes if you are a masochist. Let me know if you are one 😅 I’m definitely going to read Atmamun, you got me interested here. Keep doing mediocre job 😉 Monica

[@JohnyRhys]

Thoroughly enjoyed this video.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Love to hear that from you! Thank you so much Johny! 🙌

[@JohnyRhys]

@@coreybennettboardman it was my pleasure - you’re delightful to watch 😊

[@JohnyRhys]

Not sure I can add anything, other than, yeah. .. agreed ..!

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@JohnyRhys Thank you. It really does mean a ton to hear this!

[@siebrendevos]

haha Corey, I can totally understand if people would find this video strange but I totally get you man. I think what I recognize is this struggle between wanting this "monk mind" and on the other hand also just having to integrate into everyday life. What helped me in this case was the story of riding the ox home, (I feel the urge to make a video about it soon) there's no sense in staying in this place of "nothing matters" because we need to finish the heroes journey and bring the insights back home.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Yeah, integrating the monk mind and everyday life is fascinating. I don't have the attribution but it makes me think of someone talking about how anyone can be Buddha in a cave in the beautiful mountains of the Himalayas, but try being Buddha walking the hot streets of NYC in the middle of July with a runny nose from allergies and a screaming baby yelling in your ear... I'm not familiar with riding the ox home. Please make a video on it! Would love to check it out! 🙌 Thank you for the message Siebren!

[@kylecollins1045]

The things you love doing matter to YOU when you’re alive so you might as well do them even if they don’t matter in the end.

[@coreybennettboardman]

Thank you Kyle! It seems to be great to come back to that: what you love to do. Because in the end there is complete freedom to do it. I choose CHIPOTLE!!! 🙌

[@themacocko6311]

Where did Corey go?

[@coreybennettboardman]

Appreciate the message. Had a tough few weeks. Almost done with the next video tho! 🙌

[@themacocko6311]

@@coreybennettboardman Truly looking forward to it. Tell us what's ailing ya, Corey.

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@themacocko6311 Oh you know...the usual existential dread! 🙃

[@themacocko6311]

@@coreybennettboardman I heard George Carlin say once (referring to the world) that he just sits back and watches the freak show. I also heard Mark Manson say that if everything is meaningless and there's no point in doing anything then the opposite is always true and there's no point in not doing anything. The Stoic's looked at death as a motivator to do things instead of a demotivator like most of us. Maybe not an existential cure but these are some Thoughts that have very much helped me with some perspective.

[@themacocko6311]

@@coreybennettboardman You really got me thinking about this existential crisis stuff today. I had this thought and had to share it. This is the one thing I am completely comfortable with saying: Nothing could possibly be a bigger waste of time and life than wondering if life is a waste of time. No matter if it is or isn't a waste, worrying/wondering about it gives you nearly 100% chance of wasting both of them. (I didn't think of this till just now but if you are looking for proof of this, look into Nash equilibriums or Game theory) I am positive you could use it for this exact example.

[@sebek12345]

Let me preface this comment by stating in no uncertain terms that I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have some ideas and experiences to share, I have read many things, I have thunk many thoughts, I have come to many conclusions (and had them summarily unconcluded for me), but I truly know nothing. I suspect many people know nothing, but how could I know if that is true? I hold everything lightly because how many times can I be wrong, or see others be wrong, without assuming at all times that everyone, including myself, are probably wrong. It seems to me that this is the true nature of the beast, here in the modern dark ages… All that aside, the opinion that presented itself to my primitive brain as I watched your video is this: enlightenment is not about feeling good. You may be judging it on the wrong merits. Many of us depressed souls seek enlightenment to find relief from our suffering. When we see no progress in that area, we get discouraged. It’s not working. It is not providing the expected benefit. Indeed. It does not, and may not ever, provide relief. But does that mean it’s not working? Or does that mean our expectations are misaligned with what these experiences are actually offering us, that mayhap spirituality is the wrong pill for suffering entirely, like taking a laxative for a headache. There is little doubt in my mind, Corey, that this experience is having a profound affect on you, that it is motivating you to go deeper into reality, to endlessly seek answers to the existential questions about reality. What if that is the purpose of the suffering, the gift of spirituality - not to make you feel good, but to forge a better you in the fires of this hell. If you reframe it that way, depression is fueling your spiritual search, and your spiritual search appears to be enriching your life. What if we adjust our expectations of depression, of life, of this reality, to align to seeking that outcome rather than burdening spirituality with the expectation that it should bring us peace and comfort, that it should, as De Mello says, mend our toys? So many of us just want to go back to where we were, we want our feels back, we want to regress to our childhood “happiness”. In my estimation, the goal of psychology / psychiatry is to get people back to where they started, back to their happy place, whereas the goal of spirituality is to catapult us forward, into the unknown, into the stark cold reality of consciousness. It seems to me that if we stop fighting the pain, if we step back and start recognizing the amazing effect it is having on us, that it is keeping us awake, that without it we would likely go right back to sucking our thumbs and drift off to a peaceful, comfortable slumber, laughing and playing; we would go back to the playground with glee, greedily sucking up the happy chemicals our brain is pumping out to put is in a state of blissful ignorance. If we embrace the pain, if we see where it has brought is, how it has forced us to leave the nest and taught us to fly, if we learn to see it as tough love, then perhaps we can find peace in the pain. We can let it do its work just as we let the dentist clean our teeth or the surgeon fix our organs. It is hard to know when we can be trusted with our happy chemicals again without devolving into our sublimated animal state of being. Addicts are fickle creatures. They will suffer all kinds of indignities to get their drugs, to get their feels. But do we really want to go back to playing hide and go seek with our friends, to whispering sweet nothings into our lover's ear? Are we pigs in sh*t or are we more? One wonders (at least I do) what this messy simulation was built for, with all this death and suffering. Was it built to show us a good time? Is it a happy place? No? Well, why was it made like that? Is it just a big mistake? A misunderstanding? Perhaps there was a cosmic lab accident that created such an unethical existence filled with pain and confusion? What super intelligent compassionate being would ever cause us poor wretches to suffer so! Unless...unless...unless it is purposefully so. No accident. God is a sadist or this is good. Or there is no God at all and here we are, adrift in infinity, lost beyond hope. Is it all perfectly imperfect? One hopes. And if you are going to choose to believe anything, why not believe that every last detail, every confounding aspect of it all, every pimple, was meticulously designed? If that proposition does not ring true to you, then simply ask yourself, very honestly, what the alternatives are, and what the implications of those alternatives might be. I humbly, and with no pretense or delusion of success, implore you to sit down and write out all the good things that have come out of your suffering and all the bad things. For me, the bad list seems suspiciously trite, while the good list aligns with everything I imagine this experience is designed to bestow on a consciousness trapped within an animal existence. Does not the pain have purpose? I used to have panic attacks. I hated them so much. But when I finally learned to see them as free adrenaline rushes that didn't require me to risk my life and I started to enjoy them they vanished overnight... Perspective. Awareness awareness awareness. Don't try to change - the truth will change you when you are ready. I will end as I began, professing utter ignorance, utter delusion, absolute darkness. The mind is such a little thing; words, crude and limited; barely up to the task of carrying such lofty and ethereal ideas. It is the ineffability of these uncommon experiences that keep us locked away and alone. Those who speak do not know and those who know do not speak. Not because they won't speak, but because they can't. Words are just labels for common experiences, and you, my friend, are not having a common experience… But it's okay that no one understands. They are still on the playground. They have not yet experienced the big, scary, amazing world on the other side of the kiddy fence. Let them be. Let them play. They do not yet have words for what you've seen. Let their gales of excited, playful laughter get fainter and fainter as you walk away, no longer standing at the fence wanting to get back on the merry go round and round and round. Your new life is over the horizon. Many adventures await you. Someday, you will look fondly on your playground days, but you will never want to return.

[@sebek12345]

If tomorrow, you woke up and learned that science had finally invented the happy pill and that if you take just one your dark night of the soul would end and you would get back to "normal" and be able to enjoy ice cream and movies and all the things once more - if that happened, would you take that pill right away, or, knowing that you can now stop all of this suffering at any time, would you choose to stick with just a while longer...?

[@coreybennettboardman]

I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness and point of view. I’m going to reflect on this for awhile. I agree that my expectations were off. As Anthony de Mello said, “He doesn’t want to get cured, he wants relief.” I’ve been desperate for relief for a long time. Herein lies a problem. To forge a better me in the fires of hell is exactly what “Falling Upward” by Richard Rohr speaks to. I just finished that book. But I am still working on Amor Fati, to be grateful for my lot. I’m still selfish and scared more than content. I will try your exercise on writing out all of the things. Thank you for this idea. I had the exact same experience with panic attacks. Very powerful. I know words are just labels, but I appreciate your energy and time and care. Thank you Thomas.

[@coreybennettboardman]

@@sebek12345 Certainly interesting to think about that happy pill thought experiment. It cracks open the more you contemplate.