FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness.
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[@planetary109]

"She was always smiling, but I didn't know what to do to help her."

[@freegiftcardglitch]

0

[@ZettyLad]

jackattack707 *Are you okay??*

[@ZettyLad]

Christina Reynolds Also, the heck you talking about lad?

[@gamerunit9500]

@Christina Reynolds Thats amazing😅

[@gamerunit9500]

@Christina Reynolds just wondering what kind of things happened if that happened to other people

[@DylanFromAZ]

I used to be happy everyday, and now I'm doing great

[@sgillman16]

ahahh

[@NJ-wb1cz]

I'm doing cocaine as well

[@siyacer]

I'm great

[@unchartedthoughts7527]

@@NJ-wb1cz glad to know your intravenous meth treatment has been working

[@mypenisisunbelievablysmall5793]

why do people use sentences instead of nicknames? yeah, imagine being one of those people. psh. imagine.

[@twdjt6245]

“Something as simple as a diet of corn syrup and white bread with a total lack of exercise” So sad, yet so true.

[@MargaritaMagdalena]

Please, not foodism again.

[@nordiknight9042]

Isn't it supposed to be great that it's sad?

[@Kyleplaysgames567]

Oh shit that's my diet.

[@guardianoftheduat]

​@MargaritaMagdalena what the hell is foodism?

[@salj.5459]

@@MargaritaMagdalenaSo acknowledging the effect diet has on your health is "foodism"?

[@hattrickster33]

"Do you know what it's like to be around these people, it's pretty fkin annoying" 🤣🤣

[@belalabusultan5911]

as a depressed person, I totally agree.

[@dryb3301]

Totally agree.

[@LotsOfBologna2]

lol... EXACTLY. Real life versions of Brian, the waiter from "Office Space". Talking volumes drowning out everything else in my workplace, high pitched shrieking laughter of the most annoying cadence, hearing this OVER my regular conversation or audiobook or whatever. These people do exist and they're SO ANNOYING!!!

[@yaelfeder9042]

True!

[@notaburneraccount]

The way he said that 🤣

[@mrniceguy7168]

“I used to think: why am I the only one trying to set up single friends with each other and then I realized, I was sick, I needed treatment”

[@Someone-ig7we]

@Christina Reynolds friends that aren't in a relationship ??? maybe ??

[@Someone-ig7we]

@Christina Reynolds that's why the comment said 'why am I (notice the word I as in the person SPEAKING) the only one trying to set up single friends (notice the word FRIENDS so it is not the SPEAKER who is setting themselves up with friends) with each other (so not the SPEAKER, the FRIENDS OF the SPEAKER)' hope this helps!

[@zimikkachui5766]

@Christina R damn, can you read or hear? Someone, you have great patient to go to such length to explain it.

[@lazyhomebody1356]

How do I get these pills for my friends?

[@nathanmalik1697]

I just realized that maybe I need treatment too 😂😂😂

[@snipars]

cool beans, boss-man

[@minty3624]

cool beans, boss-man

[@gregbaranszky545]

Cool beans, boss-man

[@slk7376]

cool beans, boss-man

[@gustavocring1914]

cool beans, boss-man

[@WESAVEDTHELEFT1863]

cool beans, boss-man

[@yishaiwhite9730]

I love how The Onion shoots down mental health stigma so precisely

[@robertbogan225]

It's true so called doctors are poising people and act like they where just destined to kill themselves or go nuts people don't need happy pills

[@TheKanethegreat]

Robert Bogan $$$$ no recurring income in telling people to harden the fuck up $$$$$ They have sucked in my mother and brother and sister in law with this fuking bullshit and i can already see the impact its having on them i.e difficulty with basic things. But they arent interested in hearing about it when they can go and pay Dr.moneybags to be their "friend"

[@robertbogan225]

I'm sorry there isn't much you can do they have doctorates in bullshit science most real docter would admit it's part art part science in treating people but not shrinks they act so sure and it doesn't help. As for hardening up it can make you tough but I don't know if it can make them happy. Personally I wouldn't trust any medication that hadent been in use for 25+ years to many long term side effect are still unknown. Like risperdol it gave boys breast how does that help there feeling? It doesnt

[@TheKanethegreat]

Robert Bogan yea i understand, most people that have spent their youth studying and encouraged to embark on these careers will have a very hard time swallowing the fact that their professions are completely redundant. even a shelf stacker at the supermarket if asked about his work will do his best to make the job sound complicated and important. Am i arrogant to be embarrassed by this stupidity

[@robertbogan225]

I kind of want to go to school for psychology just so I can better understand the bullshit but not in America maybe in some European country it's not worth paying for

[@ChatbackTV]

Bahahahahaha 1.20 "Now Geoff and I can just waste a night sitting on the couch watching a TV show neither of us enjoy, like a regular couple."

[@DiegoAlanTorres96]

So funny yet so true

[@pointlesslylukesplainingpo1200]

@@DiegoAlanTorres96 society

[@thetechnocrat6388]

@@DiegoAlanTorres96 j

[@mwinchester66]

On point!

[@personone1382]

@@thetechnocrat6388 j

[@ThreeTailedMoon]

"This is for those who have a persistent positive outlook on life" LMFAO

[@forman208]

You wrote this comment a decade ago. Joke really wasn't THAT funny though

[@thetechnocrat6388]

Wow time flies. I was 5 when you wrote that comment and didn't even know yt was a thing

[@drabberfrog]

I was 3 when you wrote this comment. Im 14 now.

[@drabberfrog]

@@forman208 Yes it was

[@mynamesbigmynamesbigmyname4757]

I feel like an historian

[@cutexkawaii]

My dad walked in looking very grim and serious, saying i need medication. Then he showed me this. XD

[@the_infinexos]

Name checks out

[@GusulsuzGamer]

yeah that happened

[@greenishpiss3588]

@@the_infinexos "XD"

[@pisslmfaogetit8475]

@@greenishpiss3588 ""XD""

[@zayzay4405]

Hey how’s life been?

[@Mr76fds]

this is such good news! i'm so excited to try despondex! i should throw a party just to celebrate the invention of despondex

[@mr88keys60]

+Mr76fds Make it a theme party!

[@Mr76fds]

+Mr 88Keys actually no one showed up to this one. im not surprized. parties are such trivial wastes of time

[@RadioDJam]

This is the greatest thread of all time.

[@felixacb8895]

SVC the best part about this is that he responded 2 years after his original comment. What a beast

[@RadioDJam]

@@felixacb8895 meh... It was an okay joke.

[@Anon8848]

Was my ex slipping this into my food? 🤔🤔🤔

[@lazyhomebody1356]

All my exes did!

[@ignaciosavi7739]

Lol. Burn

[@BrittneyM7777]

That's hilarious! No..your ex just sucked at life

[@PinkieRockStar878]

My parents and my teachers did that to me.

[@jenm1]

@@lazyhomebody1356 Maybe there's a problem with you

[@Chavato]

"Critics say natural treatments can just as effectively crush soul." Love it!

[@Mr_Valentin.]

I was 8 years old when you commented this, now I'm a 23yo man

[@eviLph33r]

cool beans

[@THAT.RANDOM.GUY_]

Stop it. Get help.

[@caucasusmapper7098]

It's just a phase, it'll go away.

[@ackdca3810]

Disgusting.

[@uschurch]

Start reading the news.

[@diddyfan64]

@eviLph33r what’s next?? Setting up your single friends on dates?!?

[@OttoVonGarfield]

well now that the horrible epidemic of cheerfulness is over, we can now focus on the epidemic of those insufferable, annoying health people who try to rub it on everybody else.

[@swagcandy2576]

I think you should really focus on your health, it'll fix your trashy attitude. I was just on a 3 year detox of only water with cayenne pepper and lemon and I couldn't feel better

[@blake3474]

@@swagcandy2576 only water, peoper, and lemon?

[@swagcandy2576]

@@blake3474 yeah deude

[@blake3474]

@@swagcandy2576ha I see what you did there. Ive heard a guy doing something similar to that for about 280 days and losing something like 200 pounds. How much did you weigh and how much did you lose

[@swagcandy2576]

@@blake3474 I didn't actually detox for 3 years it was a joke based off the original comment. It wasn't a good joke, but I'm still proud of it. In order to survive off water, cayenne, and lemon for 3 years I'd have to be ridiculously obese

[@breestella]

"Now jeff and I can waste a night watching a tv show neither of us enjoy. Like a regular couple." 🤣🤣 dead asf

[@lolasdm6959]

Well maybe it's not so bad being single.

[@aurelia8028]

cringe comment

[@Buphido]

I know a person like that and until now I didn’t even realise they needed help. Thanks The Onion!

[@flat-earther]

hi buphido, have you become a flat earther yet?

[@tangok5677]

Whooosh@@flat-earther

[@dhx84]

I love how "Interacting with Kinko's Employees" is listed in the magazine as one of the natural remedies for perkiness.

[@avitasvul]

i heard that despondex has been in our drinking water since 1856.

[@NJ-wb1cz]

Nah, you're thinking of lead

[@mediocreman6323]

If by water you mean brandy and by drinking you mean gulping it down when you are depressed but it makes things still getting worse, than the answer is yes.

[@wellingtonboobs7985]

There are plenty of people who work just as well as that drug.

[@876234ABC]

This is some of the best parody work I've seen in a long time--the authoritative doctor's performance was especially good!

[@TJ-qm6lw]

Do you still exist after 11 years?

[@leocoelho12]

I bet he don't

[@Ahnjay_2k]

Thats crazy. Youre probably married with kids by now

[@Gamberbro237]

I really wish a real doctor would try and push a drug with the phrase "Have you been around these people? It's pretty fucking annoying."

[@jcrowley1985]

I was this close to perfecting the natural remedy of "sitting on your ass and doing nothing" to cure cheerfulness naturally. Fucking pharmaceutical lobbyists shut me down for infringing on their prescription drug monopoly.

[@casimirobuenabista]

Where can i get it am already depressed all the time i want to get to the next level.

[@casimirobuenabista]

@Goodman I am a couple months back i got diagnosed with spinal stenosis am in pain most of the time am unable to work and am broke so yea is being pretty good.

[@casimirobuenabista]

@Goodman have a horible and sad day sir.

[@TheJudge064]

@@casimirobuenabista oof. I don't know about you, but that erased any happiness i had this morning.

[@Lincolnator721]

You need an injection for the pain. I highly recommend it.

[@casimirobuenabista]

@@Lincolnator721 it turns out is not spinal stenosis is just a couple of crushed spinal disc still hurts like hell but I'll survive.

[@Qualicabyss]

Some people unironically need this

[@matthewgleason7495]

I stopped being happy the old fashioned natural way through mistakes I can never take back and negative thought and behavior patterns reinforced over years. You can do it too.

[@michellegriff13]

DESPONDEX! A drug name we can actually pronounce!!!!!!!!! It's too good, I love The Onion so much it makes me cry.

[@ylette]

Are you suffering from perkiness?

[@kanethompson708]

Lol

[@hexwolfi]

Scientifically known as fluoxetine syndrochloride Which is hilarious because fluoxetine is Prozac

[@jenm1]

FINALLY, ingredients I can actually get my idiot kid to read for me

[@michellegriff13]

@@jenm1 Hahaaaaaaaaa

[@justinevirtue1755]

Part of the clinical trials in childhood. Still have flashbacks.

[@SgtHydra]

I don't really think this drug will be very profitable in this economy.

[@no-pz7xy]

@Christina Reynolds yeahhhhh, nothing funny about it.

[@HonestlyJustSomeGuy]

SgtHydra IN THIS ECONOMY?!

[@Psychopatz]

For the people who don't find this funny, you're luck heheh.

[@vladdracul5072]

Right. The economy wants to keep people dumb and happy, so they consume without thinking.

[@derpidius6306]

I think the comment meant that since everyone is pretty depressed about the current economy nearly nobody has the opportunity to be annoyingly happy

[@Dclxvi6x3]

My mom must have ate those like m&ms when she was pregnant with me 😞

[@unchartedthoughts7527]

*It does come with a pregnancy risk*

[@oliverhsu4141]

“Do you know what it is like to be around these people? It’s pretty f ing annoying”

[@sandwichenjoyer4253]

What if I am one of the few individuals who suffers from the unfortunate combination of being annoyingly cheerful and incredibly depressed at the same time?

[@PsychicAlchemy]

Channel your inner Pagliacci.

[@stephaniecarrow4898]

You're not alone. Many comedians fit that description.

[@kaushalsuvarna5156]

Check for Bipolar

[@ninakore]

We’re the special ones.

[@joaoferreira30000]

I'm like that too it's an odd combination being introverted and really dumb at the same time

[@ErickTun]

1:15: "News from Philadelphia: Knife-welding maniac repairing hundreds of knives" Excellent.

[@Austin-jh2jw]

"The suffering of the elderly is a surefire way to reduce feelings of irritant-level euphoria. 'The elderly are also ugly' says Dr. Sarah Foster."

[@HarrisO.R8]

I love The Onion. The secret of their success?... It's all approached with a serious tone, and never ever wink at the camera. That's so rare in comic sketches...especially from sketch comedy shows. The Carol Burnett antics work for that show, but it wouldn't work on this. SNL's Weekend Update should take a page out of The Onions' handbook.

[@NoHomerS]

Just like Burnett's antics worked for her show, SNL does what works for a LIVE show. It's probably more effective in person than on TV.

[@kkkkkkk6668]

its simply good actors and genius writing (literally peeks into the future)

[@squamish4244]

"Interacting with Kinko's employees" LOL

[@NouvelleVoix]

I love how they find all these serious looking people and have them give these lines so perfectly. xD

[@viiviiixxtactic]

I'm surprised at the acting in this video. Amazing, And for older (no, I'm not calling them old, but they're not the usual KZbinr) people to have this kinda humor... gold.

[@InCompet4nt]

"knife-welding maniac repairing hundreds of knives"

[@ilya8132]

I’ve been using ‘Considering Man’s Impact On Nature’ for a while now; works like a charm!

[@CanalTremocos]

Outdoor fail videos have the opposite effect on me. They always cheer me up.

[@memesmojo5622]

why do we see ourselves separate from nature? We are nature, just as much as bird or tree is. So its not man impact on nature, but nature impact of nature, and everything is really just nature playing its game with itself

[@jenm1]

@@memesmojo5622 because we have moral agency and have the greatest negative impact on the environment. we are invasive species in every environment whereas other creatures are not. open a book once in a while pal

[@memesmojo5622]

@@jenm1 nah brah we are just the nature playing a game with itself and you pretending that you are separate from it is part of the game lol

[@jenm1]

@@memesmojo5622 I'm not pretending but you seem to think we cant have agency if we dont have free will. there are still choices that can be made and things can be done to maximize those choices. you're just appealing to futility

[@markh.6687]

"Each year, overly cheerful people are responsible for making others miserable. But now, there's help. And hope...."

[@fireboltaz]

Even if it’s not real news. It is certainly refreshing to watch even 10 years later

[@metrikal1]

I like to take these to level out my prozac personality. Mixing them turns you into an emotionally even zombie, which is perfect for my line of work as a corporate slave. I'm surprised pfizer didn't come up with this sooner.

[@fartpluswetone8077]

"I was great, and now I'm good."

[@Darkrise714]

"How can you be more than happy? To me it sounds like some dangerous mental condition."

[@KrisRN23935]

God I miss George.

[@catstrawford]

"Corn syrup, white bread, and a total lack of exercise." It killed me 😂

[@yesiasked]

Combat toxic positivity!

[@antonioberrun2722]

Ohhhh ONION.............what have done dear friends. Your comedy was so incredibly great it became reality 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@Nutricidal]

Nobody (not even the daily show) is more scathing than the Onion. Kudos guys.

[@Polaf3456]

The natural way to feel shitty: Eat junk food and sit on your ass

[@smakosz2]

Why is this recommended to me so often? I feel personally attacked.

[@lazyhomebody1356]

You must not sigh enough. YT watches us

[@that1pieperson80]

2019 : I'm depressed 2020 : I'm addicted to Despondex

[@goocheeno7798]

This was made in 2009

[@hamsteralliance]

It's awesome how well produced and authentic seeming The Onion news videos are. :)

[@moontoki21]

"Interacting with Kinkos employee" mann how does the onion come up with such things???? haha

[@teddy9065]

The battle against exuberance 😭

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

I have found corn syrup and whitebread have treated my former irrepressible zest for life. Thank you, PepsiCo, Nabisco and MARS.

[@ncgproductions9656]

Boy do I feel called out about the cool beans.

[@flat-earther]

hi ncg, have you become a flat earther yet?

[@christianitis]

This is an actual health problem, called chronic mania. And there are actual depressant drugs that do exactly this

[@CyclismHS]

It's not exactly the same.

[@SJNaka101]

It feels good to be manic but being manic doesn't necessarily mean feeling good. When I'm on the manic end of things there's insomnia, delusions, and a lot of irritability. I get so angry at such little things, but it's a good feeling self righteous anger. I just feel so goddamn right about everything. I wish manic just meant being perky and happy, I probably would have never got medicated if i was just happy because of it.

[@RickIsLeet]

Nah man, mania is not the same as being happy

[@bert-qu3iq]

Just call it Perkinson's disease.

[@Krsnik666]

Praise The Onion!

[@wesleyward5901]

People: *Needs drug to feel depressed* Me, who's depressed for free: *Pathetic*

[@RoronoraZoro666]

Glad she got the help she deserved

[@mello.321]

This sounds like one of those GTA radio stations 😂😂😂

[@Solid_Hank]

"She was always smiling, but I didn't know what to do to help her..."

[@aliceslab]

people always try to make it seem like if you frown that youre bumming them out, as if we were the ones affecting the people around us! you know what, when i see someone else frowning and we just frown at each other, i go, "i like that person finally someone that gets it."

[@id104335409]

Jeeezuz!!! I need this in a spray bottle!!!

[@squamish4244]

Got to be one of the Onion's best pieces.

[@marioroberti]

OMFG the fact that they got a real live CNN news anchor just blows me away!!! Go Onion, RIP Bobbie Battista!!!!!!

[@joycee5493]

Priceless!

[@lemongrenade6135]

I'm proud to be a pessimistic person!

[@shupasopni]

SeraphimRoad Sounds like you're about the same if not worse than him.

[@britneynicole8903]

I am not being sarcastic when I say that I love being the only pessimist in my family!!

[@mr1m020]

I died at "use of the phrase cool beans" 🤣

[@pyluserectusdungenhavenhoo5948]

Gotta hand it to The Onion your stuff is perfect. Everything is over the top like lots of actors perfect set props.

[@sir.poopiehead3601]

That's just carbonated lithium lol

[@TallGreyMan]

We need this in 2023 to battle fake Instagram positivity.

[@flat-earther]

hi tallgreyman, have you become a flat earther yet?

[@Strikerklm96]

"interacting with kinko's employees"

[@Beef1188]

You know what makes this even funnier? That people like that actually exist!

[@kitcoffey7194]

just get a landlord that will make you homeless for asking for repairs and that's all you need to take. The rent is too damn high, people are actually getting really hurt, and it's time that people start caring about affordable housing before they themselves personally need it.

[@BelleFlower15]

Omg, this is amazing!! Especially for people like me who have been put on antidepressants. Thanks to whoever made this!!

[@BlackAbyssOfMyHeart]

1:39 interacting w/ kinko's employees SO TRUE!

[@doodlebob3758]

1:38 The most inspiringly well hid Onion cutaway.

[@ianmoyron3919]

yes finally! oh wait, onion dang,

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Put this in the water of the Ellen show. But, lethal amounts.

[@NuFrontman]

Not only do I LOVE the humor and laughed my ass off at it, there are some things I agree with. Eating sugar and bread and corn syrup is killing a lot of people and making them depressed. Oh and the line about sitting around and watching a TV show neither of us enjoy!

[@kingjungsu]

this is made 14 years ago. wow.

[@Arpin_Lusene]

“The natural way to feel shitty” lol

[@shadowninja958]

For those in the comments who don’t get it. This video is meant to mock the idea that most people have mental health issues they need medication to fix, you see it in commercials a lot. It isn’t meant to mock the idea of anti depressants or medication. Only the over advertising and false information for people who don’t need them to begin with.

[@theworkdonebymeandyou2145]

1:24- "watching Tv show nither of us enjoy like a regular couple" *Laughs*

[@5280ftprmi]

If Despondex doesn't work for you try typeing in Depressamine at the youtube browser (same idea) . Loved this rendition. keep up the good work!

[@inolofatsenglekaba5026]

Sadly, i know people who suffer from this illness but will never access the drug

[@arande3]

What's crazy is we've accidentally released drugs that had this effect and a bunch of people ended their lives before we realized it and recalled it. I don't remember the name but it was in a book I read about brain function

[@arande3]

@@snarkybuttcrack i think these would be called prodepressants if anything

[@matthewstuckenbruck5834]

"The elderly are also ugly, says Dr. Sarah Foster" Onion videos have so many hidden gems.

[@5280ftprmi]

If Despondex doesn't work for you try typeing in Depressamine at the youtube browser (same idea) . Loved this renditionl. keep up the good work!

[@RobinaSingh]

as I always say, TheOnion is just brilliant!

[@Competitive_Antagonist]

I want a prescription. I hate any elevation in my mood beyond slightly depressed.

[@katelynpringle5506]

Despondex sells plummeted in 2020.

[@josephbelisle5792]

I thank goodness life has given me little to be happy about thus avoiding this horrible condition. Nope, no despond-X for me, Im naturally unhigh.

[@ShiftyGeeza]

This is comedy gold. Why have they stopped making these?

[@Luvurenemy]

Very brave to talk about the unspeakable epidemic of theme and costume parties. A scourge threatening the nation and our vulnerable children.

[@GamingKing545]

i unironically wish this was real

[@michelerich1590]

the way she said 'like a regular couple' my god she nailed this shit hahaha

[@flat-earther]

hi michelerich, have you become a flat earther yet?

[@michelerich1590]

@@flat-earther nope, go run along.just dont fall off the edge, lunatic.

[@kevintucker8803]

This is like an SNL parody of a prescription drug commercial, hilarious!

[@ignis_gehennalis_ov_God]

Comparing the onion to SNL, you need treatment.