Why Fearful-Avoidants Struggle To Move On (And What To Do About It)

[@alexanneschronicles]

Being perceived as someone that is really open by others while fully knowing that you only share things that you already know how to contain and never sharing anything that feels truly vulnerable is such an isolating thing because people don't know that there's this whole hidden side. Being fearful avoidant it's a special kind of hell.

[@aprilshowman9539]

And loving someone who is a fa is a special kind of hell as well. 😢

[@alexanneschronicles]

@@aprilshowman9539 no doubt about that especially if they aren’t doing the work to heal their attachment style! And even if they are it still takes a long time, a lot of communication and a lot of self awareness!

[@AliceEvangeline57]

Thank you for this comment, I feel this in my soul. Trying to do a lot of healing work these days

[@LandenB110]

Fr

[@LandenB110]

Just lost my best friend cause of this crap, but no one can understand how I could only share the things with them, because I seem open to others when I am actually not. This video was on the point with everything

[@naturalebeing]

This is so so so on point. Very affirming. I never knew how to put that in words but people find me very warm and “emotional” and im very comfortable talking about vulnerable things but it’s NEVER the stuff I’m still struggling with, it’s stuff I’ve already processed and overcome.

[@atuldwivedi3959]

Can I share with you something?

[@mechanicalodic]

This is so real. And something I’ve only recently realized myself. I am seen as a highly empathetic, emotionally aware/intelligent, and I’ve always thought of myself as emotionally open and not really afraid to share deep experiences with people. But I realized I only do that with past experiences, things that might have deeply hurt me at one point but that I’ve moved forward from. When it comes to actually telling someone how I feel deep down, in the moment, I completely shut down. I keep it all hidden. I pretend I’m ok, I act as if I’m unbothered. To the point where I might even believe that something doesn’t bother me that definitely does. Strange how you can be so self aware and oblivious at the same time.

[@mechanicalodic]

This is so real. And something I’ve only recently realized myself. I am seen as a highly empathetic, emotionally aware/intelligent, and I’ve always thought of myself as emotionally open and not really afraid to share deep experiences with people. But I realized I only do that with past experiences, things that might have deeply hurt me at one point but that I’ve moved forward from. When it comes to actually telling someone how I feel deep down, in the moment, I completely shut down. I keep it all hidden. I pretend I’m ok, I act as if I’m unbothered. To the point where I might even believe that something doesn’t bother me that definitely does. Strange how you can be so self aware and oblivious at the same time.

[@genesislop_]

Same

[@emyyyxx]

well i just learned something about myself

[@PeukinsPoint]

Not "leaving while you're in love" is a game-changer for me. Thank you.

[@michaelmich00]

Its sad, they do it and dont even know why so they come up with 1000 reasons to leave. While they just are triggered and want to be loved

[@abbasgirl8153]

​@@michaelmich00they are scared

[@linamarie84]

What does that even mean? I am confused. Can you explain?

[@jjoey352]

⁠@@linamarie84as someone who found this video cutting very deep, I wasn’t actually aware of what was going through my head. All I knew was that I was terrified of being heartbroken and if I were to break up with my bf (now ex), it would be me ending things first. (I broke up with him around 3 times overall). I knew I loved him and respected him and I often felt inadequate and not good enough for him. Every time we were got to a certain time in the (very healthy) relationship, I would find an “ick”, after which I would spend hours on end searching for an answer as to how was I feeling, and come to a conclusion that I was losing feelings, only to find myself still being in love with him, 8 months after our breakup. FYI: I’m well aware I have hurt him deeply and I take responsibility for this, during the relationship I had no idea why I was feeling this way…

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

7 months later and I’m just like still as empty as I was the day it happened. Give me closure!!!

[@DerGriffon]

The part about leaving while still in love and then struggling to scrape myself off the proverbial bathroom floor, hit home really hard.

[@michaelmich00]

Dont leave while u are in love. There will be 1000 reasons to leave even in a good relationship, thats not how love works

[@ofyourbluesky]

You can be in love with someone and they still not be what you need

[@anzelaiv]

Same.

[@user-js4mt1nr2y]

​@@michaelmich00ofcourse we have to. Fearfull avoidants are so traumatised that we tent to go in unhealthy relationships secreficing our own needs and often we get mentally or physically abused and the chemical hormones and all the emotions are like a roalercoaster which makes us feel like we are in an addiction with the person so we need to get out of that even tho still feeling in love. Generally speaking if a relationship is just not going right you can better experience it and fall out of love while in it instead of cutting it of but don't underestimate how many get in very toxic dynamics even tho our contious mind tries to do everything right. And that's why we have to work on healing.. And also that is a very hard journey.

[@whiggygirl]

One of my biggest problems, is that I don't have any friend who can help me make a decision when I'm disorientated between my thoughts and feelings. All they ever say is "block him!" and blame EVERYTHING on the man. It doesn't help me whatsiever and has caused me to shut down even more.

[@Xenia-E-Zilli]

Same. People with fearful-avoidant attachment style actually do not have many true friends. Actually, maybe not even one. Because we tend to avoid attachments or have difficulty to find people to intimately relate to. What you describe are not true friends, they are just people you know.

[@whiggygirl]

@purplecrystal2780 if that's true, I don't have any true friends at all. Not one. Personally, I believe they do this, because the people I'm friends with, are all insecure attachment styles themselves. So they don't recognise what 'normal' is supposed to look like

[@Xenia-E-Zilli]

@@whiggygirl both could be true. It is up to you to find out. Good look with your self healing journey.

[@dikshaggyeltshok2311]

I tried my best to keep my friends happy. But now I don’t feel the need to have true friends anymore. I found true friendships in my sister.

[@AA-ts2wi]

I've recently learned it's best to do some journaling and reflection on my own before I share thing about a partner with my friends. I can't trust my own emotions since I lean so fearful in them so it's a really great practice to write down what factually happened, what my fearful take on it is, and what a more forgiving/optimistic take on it. What would happen in the relationship with your best intentions in mind? It gets your rational brain working as opposed to just your fears and doubts

[@lakotamm]

I broke up with my ex 6 months ago. At the point of making the decision I was certainly perceiving our relationship as a burden and a limit to experiencing other things in life. 2 weeks passed and I was already missing her and trying to find ways to get her back. 3-4-5 months passed and whenever I would get into a bit emotionally more anxious state I would immediately badly miss her. And this certainly switches around - sometimes I am like I am fully over her, don't miss her at all and sometimes I am like "she is so fucking attractive" "I miss her so much" "I really want the comfort which she was giving me". I am certainly not 100% over her. And at the same time I can see that she is actually doing better then before or at least claims that - even though she was the one behaving anxiously before we broke up. So yeah, I left while I was in love with her, I was just deactivated because of all of the pressure. For the last year I have been working hard to expand the number of people who I feel comfortable with asking for deep emotional support. But as you said, reaching deep down and showing those parts of myself which I am not comfortable with is hard.

[@brosephlyle]

Why did you never reach back out? Experiencing something like this now

[@P51D-Mustang]

Thank you for sharing with the group. Please help yourself to the the tea and coffee making facilities!

[@lakotamm]

@Joe Lyle I tried reaching back out to her and got rejected. Several times during several months. But after this long time I can also clearly consistently see that there are things which make us incompatible. Even though they are also kinda based on my insecurities - me feeling uncomfortable with her being ~10 years older than me.

[@jaydrollins6875]

@@lakotamm That simply means you need to work on yourself/your boundaries. Is her being 10 years older than you a hard boundary? Move on. If not, things can be worked out.

[@brosephlyle]

@@lakotamm sorry to hear that. Sounds like you learned a lot about yourself though

[@michifornow]

This is the best video on FAs that I’ve seen on KZbin, and I’ve watched literally hundreds of them. Thank you, Heidi.

[@ajrburn7995]

FA ex would say she was breaking up basically every conflict, which traumatized me as an anxious person. She finally is serious this time. And acting as if she’s moved on in a week.. and thats why these videos are so important. It helped me step back and take it less personal! It’s very comforting to watch although i am figuring out what she touched on about not avoiding pain. Definitely a great video and i see comment after comment agreeing

[@bm5_5_5]

I used to do all this. It comes across manipulative and cold. I was in so much pain and I did project that pain on to them which was not fair. They were also fearful avoidant and did the same so I never noticed it before. The whole time he was mirroring me back to me. I blamed him for so much when I was equally responsible 😢

[@patricktherrien3210]

EVERY time I think “this video isn’t really about me but I’ll watch anyway because I know I’ll learn something “ -- its always about me. I don’t know if I can thank you enough Heidi Priebe. ❤

[@veganmagick7251]

Exactly what i did too 😂

[@brightlights9615]

Same

[@TakluTaco]

Lmao same😂

[@noahdecoco]

Wow... this is one of the most compassionate ways someone has described what it's like to be a fearful-avoidant. Usually, all I get is hate and judgment for being flaky, indecisive, hot and cold, chaotic, heartless, mean, etc... Used to make me feel very ashamed of myself because deep down all I really want is to be kind and compassionate to people. I'm learning to shed the shame now in my late 30's. It's so fricking hard. From what I understand, the best way out is to build a really healthy foundation of self-trust. Just got to keep on working at it!

[@janetholmes]

I'm just starting the healing at 30 too :D No shame, we all start somewhere

[@chay516]

I’m in my 30’s, single mom of 7 kids because of this. Only people I’m close to and vulnerable with is my children. Seriously! I’m gonna die alone I know it.

[@zaram131]

Same here!!

[@noahdecoco]

Hey guys, I've been putting in the work and enjoying a new found calm peace. It takes work for sure, but I realised the crucial part of fixing this is first having a secure relationship with yourself. Love yourself. Set boundaries with yourself and respect them. Build that self trust. Be confident. Once you truly love yourself and can provide for yourself, you are empowered and don't rely on others for their approval/validation/etc... and that sets you free to connect without fear... It's an amazing feeling!

[@usaman3434g]

I thought the same. Relatively new to attachment theory and discovering my FA has brought a lot of shame to my life. I'm now in my 50s, separated dad with a teen daughter. Very difficult to heal my wounds while also portraying security for my daughter.

[@mizzviolet]

Holy cow, multiple times in this video where my jaw dropped because it was the first time anyone had ever put to words experiences i've had and feelings i've felt. Particularly when you mentioned the disgust response, I've experienced that with all of the (very few) partners I've had and could never understand why. To jump from fawning to literal disgust within seconds is an absolutely bizarre experience. It's also particularly relevant as last year, my ex abrubtly ended our relationship by telling me he had to move because of work/home reasons as well issues with his citizenship. At the time even though I was heartbroken, I was in the middle of a disgust response and that lead me to feel a sense of relief about our relationship ending. I don't know if I'd say it made the grieving process easier, but it definitely made it a bit shorter than my usual. Anyways, an entire year goes by and I haven't heard from him at all, I had actually had him blocked on all social media as after our relationship ended, at some point the narrative i told myself about the relationship and the break up turned into a villain/victim narrative with me being the victim. I get a text out of the blue from him about 2 weeks ago, it's the sweetest, kindest text I've ever recieved. he told me he misses me and thinks of me every day, he still loves me, he hopes im surrounded by people who love me and happy, it was genuinely so kind and didn't have any hint of romance or flirtiness to it at all, just mature kindness. but it suddenly brought back all my feelings of heartbreak and loss that i felt the day he told me he was leaving. I suddenly believed that I was still in love with him and started a limerance fantasy with him in my head where im fanatasizing about him coming back constantly. It's so hard to discern between what is true genuine emotion and what is just my attachment style acting up.

[@jeffwhite2872]

Think that's what happened to me but I was on the wrong

[@XOXOX4242]

I totally relate to this 100%!!! We can heal!!❤

[@jeffwhite2872]

How do we heal

[@lmaohaver7403]

@@jeffwhite2872 abusing substances

[@tulip5210]

that sounds like a rollercoster of feelings!

[@Suze-d1d]

Lots of fearful avoidants also project their fears even if theyre not always the full picture and run away from doing the real communication work necessary for many relationships esp when there is true love there

[@sofook3576]

I dated this guy for 2 months: I wanted to go slow but he pushed me to open up and be myself quickly; the day I told him I was ready to be my self and open up, he chose to break up and he said me he liked me but not enough, without giving me other explaination. He was crying, and hugged me really tight. I saw his pain. Now I understand that he was projecting on me his inability to open up, and therefore he was pushing my boundaries.

[@The_whimsical_avoidantcope]

@@sofook3576 same shit here, was pushed and she wanted to know "everything deep down" then slow faded and discarded when she realised I actually had the capacity to be vulnerable. They don't have the bandwidth to handle emotions, yours or theirs.

[@sofook3576]

@@The_whimsical_avoidantcope So sorry for you, I fully understand how heartbreaking it is. Just keep in mind that it's not your fault and that you deserve more, sending you a big hug!

[@Raeny19]

@@The_whimsical_avoidantcope @sofook3576 Woah, living the same experience. I told him I was happy going slow as well and he wanted to progress the relationship forward. Then he wanted more vulnerability. Once I opened up to him he initially seemed happy about it, but then broke up with me a week later. Of course he provided me with a bunch of other avoidant key discard phrases…talk about ouch. 😂

[@The_whimsical_avoidantcope]

@@sofook3576 thank you. No worries, its been some time and im all good. But avoidant psyche is really defunct. The topic remains fascinating to me cos their behaviour is the antithesis of human connection.

[@fembot521]

This is what happened to me when I lost my husband of 20 years. I had nowhere to turn for help or processing. I had to protect myself and my vulnerabilities from those around me. He was the one I leaned on in my life. His loss has been devastating.

[@sharonjumba4648]

My condolences. Have you created a community around you since his passing?

[@christomahe9237]

I would.

[@c.uni2370]

As a FA while my ex was also an avoidant… makes sense why this man still lives in my head rent free. He’s already tried to reach out to see me when he told me he got spooked for how things happened so fast… even tho I never even opened up to him due to many fears I have, & now I’m spooked about even getting into any relationship at this point.

[@Ninishiningleaf]

12:00 activation after breakup happened 10 years later. My love in youth, first love, longest relationship. Devastating. In one day It all came back, all the feelings, started processing and grieving the relationship only then. So hectic.

[@GioMiletto-ib8po]

Thank you for this content and the clear and compassionate way you articulate it from a feaful-avodant perspective which is often (I feel !) overlooked.

[@roshomosho]

What an amazing video!!! 😮 this just means that the FA who leave the relationship while still in love, never get over the relationship, even if they enter and exist a new relationship once in 5 or 10 years. If you havent gotten over the previous romantic relationship, you have just forgotten about it, while falling in love with a new person, which is actually a coping strategy in order to stay away from the deep unresolved pain from the first relationship! Its like loving the new person only because they offer that much of an effective distraction from true emotions and true emotional pain still present. Mind blowing 🎉

[@katherineb7761]

this is exactly me :'( I was raised by a father with NPD and a narcissistic mother. this is so pervasive in my life I can't even comprehend it. it has been my whole life since the beginning. thank you so much for bringing light to avoidant attachment style, you have truly opened up my eyes

[@sherlockholmes6732]

The internet always “anxious/ avoidant” making me think I’m anxious but I knew it wasn’t right. Your descriptions are crazy, you’re not annoying to listen to at all and have articulated what I go through as fearful avoidant. I’ve always said things like “I am everything and it’s opposite”; “I regret it all and I don’t regret any of it”; “I trust everyone and no one” (In the moment I trust, when I think about it after I don’t.” Thank you so much. This All makes so much sense. And you’re 10 signs you might be fearful avoidant. It all lines up - a couple points are defiantly subconscious and will take some acknowledgment. The yo-yo-ing is destabilising torture. Thank you

[@jeromegaynor9015]

All your fearful avoidant videos are brilliant Heidi, but this one is just incredibly helpful. Kinda makes me wanna cry when I think what a difference they would have made in my life 20, 10, or even 2 years ago. Your explanations are so clear and self-evidently true that they’ve given me the first enthusiastic hope that I’ve ever had that I might actually figure out how to have a non-torturous relationship before I die! So grateful 💔

[@CoffeeKillersClub]

I like the line of thinking where people say it is darkest before the dawn. You don't realize how far you've come in the journey, so you feel like it will go forever, but really because you are where you are, it really is almost over. The feeling that I'm working on it is taking me farther from the shore of my security, it makes me panic, but that is how I know I am healing. The absurdity in that panic is laughable now that I see it, but it makes me cry because that panic has ruined aspects of my life I didn't want to lose for all the world. But the sun does rise.

[@cosmicstargazer10]

Beautifully put, perfect in fact.

[@mufasahm8238]

I love how you wrote this. So true & poetic. Screenshot it for the reminder. "But the sun does rise" ❤

[@grat2010]

TIL I'm a fearful avoidant. I felt so understood. You did a great job of explaining, Heidi. You have a gift.

[@theunbreaking]

Right??!!

[@ragga7862]

Totally agree!

[@BMonetthedirector]

She did such a brilliant job! I’m shooketh.

[@Leonard-Mazet]

Yep! Such valuable vidéos. No fillers, it's all gold.

[@lydiavazquez7749]

Agree with all of that.

[@TheTruthAboutBitcoin]

wow! what a beautiful video. This description my partner but in a loving and supportive way. I see the beauty in my wife and am so grateful to have access to the wisdom like in this video to shine light. With this awareness can come change. I know her path will be difficult and all the other videos just say to walk away they are toxic but i can’t do that. I need to cultivate safety within myself and allow her time to grow into the beautiful woman i know she is capable and so deeply wanting to grow into. I love my wife and i will not give up on her.

[@dogstick12]

It's not wise to base your life on theories Theories only study microscopic instances Life is bigger than attachment theory

[@delaines5041]

And it will work, but only if she is willing to do the work as well.

[@abigaillarsen4298]

So sweet for me to read. Thank you.

[@Sariimura]

Thank you for explaining attachment theory in a practical manner! I am constantly triggered by your videos, but I take that as a good thing, it means there is something to learn (or re-learn) and in order to do that, I need to sit with some “uncomfortable” emotions. Here’s to working on ourselves and hoping we can be more securely attached every day. We all deserve to live in peace with ourselves and others.

[@maxproskurnia4895]

In a way, I look forward to my triggers when I watch these types of videos. So much growth in them.

[@annamanansala2773]

😢🥺💗

[@naturalebeing]

@11:48 , yes. With my ex, I felt NOTHING for months after I broke up with him and then it all hit me like a tsunami 5 months later and i was devastated and reached out to him and we actually tried to be together again because my grief was so intense I 100% believed I made a mistake, and then after a month I called it off again bc nothing had changed. It took me about 4 years to really feel over it and then I entered another toxic relationship and a year later here we are, trying to leave that, terrified I’m going to deal with the despair and grief all over again. Thankfully I’ve been in an adult children of alcoholics group for a while now and I have them as a support system.

[@iftaknayeem9863]

Are you capricorn rising?

[@himathyjenkins]

Sounds like limerence

[@johnnelson7192]

Always a women saying it was toxic. 😂😂😂

[@dierenoppasservice]

It feels like you've got some healing to do, instead of blaming the ex. Only a severe FA wants to rekindle and call it off again after a month. You just want the validation but not willing to do the struggles. FA's don't acknowledge the pain they cause, bc they have their brain 'protecting' them....

[@Kavilion]

I know it’s really unhealthy to think this way, but this gives me hope. I was in the best relationship of my life and overnight she got cold and ghosted me. I’m having a hard time dealing with the loss and it feels like at the end the person I loved had just gone. I think about it all the time, and even after three months I still hold hope. Thank you for sharing.

[@jaslynkinsey5216]

this has me in tears, because it explains everything between my ex and I. It was truly the most intensely passionate as well as toxic relationship i’ve ever experienced, on and off for almost three years. every single point you made described us, ALL of it.

[@annietobin2049]

Exactly for me…I can’t believe how dead-on this is. I’m sad that the journey is such a long one and I’m where I am at 64 years old. Wish my younger self would have known this before I walked out (ran out) of a 15 year marriage where it turned out I was still in love, but deactivated. I’m ok, though afraid to be truly myself in recent relationships (all failed ones) but 14 years later, I still feel the grief of that major loss.

[@skyyy1977]

Bloody hell (pardon my French). Years of therapy and self analysis including some truly excellent somatic processing in the past two years, but this explanation was spot on. Hadn’t labelled myself “fearful avoidant” yet but this explains pretty much my entire relationship history. Haven’t been able to leave my neglectful marriage, even while I bonded with somebody else after separation who actually took care of me and ticked all the boxes. I just keep going back because of the acute disorientation and enmeshment Heidi speaks of. Wish me luck, good luck to all my fellow fearful avoidants and heartfelt thanks to Heidi!

[@kericampion1153]

I'm a recovering FA and have been on my healing journey for 4 years and this content is excellent. Well done. This was also terrific validation to why I've ended my recent relationship. I spent a year trying (as a much more secure person) trying to make it work with good boundaries, asking for what i needed, trying to communicate through conflict, etc. And the person whose also FA could not show up and was very volatile. I literally tried all my tools. It's nice to recognize the secure version of myself and i appreciate the validation in how i showed up and why this departure feels different. I was out of love when i left and that's very different then I've ever felt before. Thank you Heidi. Well done!🎉

[@WildMidwest1]

You are apparently a step ahead of me on this journey. Your comment is a beacon for others to follow.

[@driftingpaperboat]

It's refreshing to read someone who's far along the healing journey, I'm happy for you!

[@kaytaylor8620]

I love how you speak to fearful avoidant attachment without shame. I feel so open to your message knowing I can put my guard down and listen to where this lands. Thank you for the guiding light into some confusing dark places with such Love ♥️🌞🎶

[@ragga7862]

27:11 clean pain from breakups when securely attached. Wow. Clean pain because of understanding. Mind blowing

[@Idiosyncratic_flow]

I CANNOT explain how MUCH I needed this video today. It doesn’t solve much but I have never felt more understood

[@philhob4317]

I'm 50 now and I had my first relationship in my lifetime where I actually experienced love. I completely self destructed over why I had to break up with her a year ago (I felt utterly detached from myself). Thank you so so much for this guidance!

[@michelegrn]

Omg. I have never heard it put quite like this in a way i can digest it : insecure attachment styles are a way to avoid pain and pain is the pathway to healing. Wow. Thank you so much, Heidi ❤

[@spilledbeans7000]

This is probably the most accurate explanation about FAs, I’m anxious but you gave clarity about what the person who left me was going through. I wish him well but I’m not gonna go back to to him. I can’t save him I hope he can save himself I’m still working on myself to become secure and that is not be attracted to people with insecure attachment. Thank you for this. You’re the best

[@binhn.c.7003]

Has he ever tried to reach out to you?

[@instagamrr]

So accurate. I watched this 9 months ago (i see my old comment) and I’m back again lol - leaving a relationship while I’m still in love is something I do constantly and it’s the absolute most painful thing. Now that I’m conscious of it, I try to wait until the love is gone, but staying is so utterly, excruciatingly painful when I’m not feeling secure in a relationship

[@ENSO-wildsound]

Why don't you work on your secure attachment skills? Mindsight by Dan Siegel is a great resource. As is David Richo, can't remember title. Both are amazing books but especially for building skills around secure attachment

[@instagamrr]

@@ENSO-wildsound thank you for the recommendations, I sincerely appreciate those and will check them out! I’ve been working on my attachment for about 1.5 years now (while I’m in a relationship). If i get into a relationship with someone who’s extremely avoidant, I still struggle

[@jimenacat]

The first time I actually tried being more open with someone, they used me in a way that made my fearful avoidance so much worse. I then met someone that I clicked with so well but naturally I dipped and regretted it so bad. I tried reaching out a couple months later but the damage was done. It took me so long to get over what I did and I still think about them every now and then esp when I’m rather sad lol. I never knew these feelings were an actual thing until a couple months ago. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person like this.

[@tinkerz72]

Wow! You named it. I left my relationship when I was still in love but could no longer tolerate the chaos and dysfunction . He had an AP attachment style and I’m FA. I didn’t set good boundaries and he didn’t respect them. It was a recipe for disaster.

[@LazarusFeels]

Heidi, I feel heard. I feel forgiving and compassionate towards myself, because I went through all the painful turmoil you explained - word for word. For anyone reading this, I cannot stress enough how "feeling the pain" is so helpful in taking the first step out and forward. Also, you are probably the first person to verbalize "breaking up while still being in love", atleast for me. This made me empathise with (and legitimise?) how difficult my heartbreak was for me. ♥♥

[@gems-n-gunz307]

How were you able to overcome this? I am currently going through this and Infeel absolutely crippled

[@marshallenriquez726]

Same

[@NoNameToYou]

@@gems-n-gunz307crippled is a good way to describe it, I see it as purgatory

[@WildMidwest1]

Same also

[@colorfullyme]

I wrote in my journal "why can’t I just let go?" and then this video popped up. Cried the whole way through. Thank you for these insights.

[@MishaIsha1]

You are incredible. This is your gift. I so relate to all this. My 12 Step group for addiction has actually been helping with this. Your explanations make me aware of this. I like how there is no shame in this, and that there's hope to heal. All i know is I've done yoga and meditation, but have only seen results with the 12 Steps. Looks like they help heal attachment wounds, which i never would have guessed. Yet, at the same time, i am needing more help, and this is framing where i need to get conscious. Thank you

[@joslyntheneutralbard1878]

I relate to this HARD. Now that I understand boundaries and that I had a huge aversion to conflict I'm wondering a bit what could have happened in my major partnerships in the past if I'd known to work on these things. Every time I've left a major relationship I've still loved the person very much. I put a lot of pressure on myself to not go back on that choice because I don't want to jerk the person around but I have definitely gone back at least once every time wondering if I could have worked it out with the person.

[@joslyntheneutralbard1878]

I really thought it was because I had a moon in Cancer and Venus in Capricorn 😆 lmao nope was just unacknowledged generational trauma 🙃

[@aaronmills4290]

Amen! The is a wash of putting puzzle pieces together in a beautiful way. Same for me with Astrology and even tarot. 😂

[@Leonard-Mazet]

It can be both... Astrology is one with you psychology imo, reasons are not separate, just different points of view on the same "reality"

[@michaelmich00]

100% u could have succeeded with them if u went back and were vulnerable

[@caterinaplatt9811]

@@michaelmich00 Thank you. I'm the dumpee from the FA and this video is shattering to me. I spent 34 years having my reality and heart crushed by a narcissist husband, only to follow it up with the most wonderful, kind man who suffers from commitment phobia and ghosted me just as things were getting good. To hear that he has played virtual emotional ping pong and felt disgust towards me for things I didn't even really do is simply the most unfair, heartbreaking kind of rationalization I've ever heard of. Sheesh. I was just getting used to the idea that he was simply scared of being vulnerable. Never dawned on my I was being devalued in his mind for crap that isn't true.

[@touchedbyfire99]

Heidi, this is earth-shatteringly eye-opening for me. I just wish my younger self had access to all this rich psychological content available today. I suffered so much alone on my fearful avoidant island not understanding a blessed thing about myself and my behavior. 😊

[@K1RTB]

As a dismissive avoidant my love life is like a cicada. Fall in love once every 5 years, get my heart broken, bury myself in the sand for a couple of years. Repeat.

[@couch_philosoph3325]

If there is a pattern, then there are likely things you could do to change the pattern. Working on myself helped me a lot in that department ^_^

[@nomessnostress]

Yup

[@cosmosadorabilis7677]

Doesn't sound like DA

[@lainey4love]

It's not a romantic relationship that struggle with but my adult son. (We have no other relatives. ) However all the same dynamics are in play. We are both fearful avoidant and experts at playing the drama triangle. I'm working really hard to developed some health in this relationship. Having to look at my behaviour as a parent, see the damage, experience the pain and forgive myself then try to change and heal feelslike an agonising slow process. My therapist assures me I am moving mountains 😁. Thank you for your compassionate style and language of explaining my world to me. 🙏 In my healing journey I Ilisten to you rpodcasts 4 times a week and discuss with my therapist😇 As I grow and understand I model and talk about the things I am learning. I live in a small town and see the changes in me making change in my community all the way down under in NZ. Thank you Heidi.

[@christinarichie6171]

The reason you are having these issues is because you have no family or support except in a 3rd party called a therapist. People need to realise how messed up society is. See the bigger picture. Your son had no siblings and obviously not a good Male role model.

[@youarewhoyouare465]

Wow this helped me in so many ways. I tend to gas light myself a lot, it's exhausting being so back and forth. I really do want to change and heal this pattern from childhood. A month ago I went through my breakup, and I'm finding it hard to get over him. He was the person I have been the most vulnerable with, and I miss how he could emotionally regulate me. When he triggered me the only way I knew how to regulate myself was to go into a meltdown. It's truly exhausting staying this way. I did abruptly leave to, but he couldn't say he loved me back. That really broke me because I was still in love, so I ran before he could. He's a dismissive avoidant. I think why I didn't stay consistent with my boundaries was because I understood the avoidant side to things and I let a lot of shit slide that was straight up disrespectful. Anyways this insight helps.

[@caras4766]

Wow, this explains everything about a breakup that I can’t get over years later. I usually feel so hopeless about my attachment issues but this made me feel hopeful - thank you. (I just wish I could go back in time and employ all of these tools then!)

[@Kay-uk9us]

Can't deny a single thing in this video. Thank you so much. You are enlightening and you are saving lives Heidi ❤

[@scottmcgrath8893]

❤❤❤ Heidi thank you … finally at 61 and 3 long term relationships I feel i have a roadmap to heal thanks so much

[@waterwash]

The sense of ease that washes over me after listening to your FA videos is truly a gift, thank you for sharing this incredibly valuable information and lived experience in such a meaningful, sincere way. Having more understanding around the ricochet experience and why I sometimes don’t have access to feelings I know I’ve felt so deeply before relieves so much pressure and will help curb my propensity for self shaming. It’s been 10 months since my long term relationship ended and your insight is helping me make sense of why it’s felt wildly painful, confusing and exhausting. Thank you for offering these really helpful, constructive steps towards living a more securely attached life. I’m so so so grateful to you Heidi.

[@Nishinga.]

Had to pause mid video to just say how much I love your metaphors and analogies! I just discovered your channel today and I'm honestly in shock by how much everything is resonating with me. I've been dealing with some issues both within myself and with others that I haven't been able to figure out for years on end. Your videos have gotten the light bulb above my head to go off and now I can see where I'm going after being in the dark so long. Thank you so much Heidi, I really appreciate it.

[@brittanys8217]

I'm now in the secure range, but still have strong FA tendencies and I very much related to this. I find you videos so thorough and informative! Makes perfect sense why certain people leave such a strong imprint on me after being deeply vulnerable with them. Thankfully I have a couple of other people in my life who truly, deeply know and love me. It's beautiful and I can't wait to form more close connections as I heal. I really appreciate insights from a former FA type who knows the struggle. And a fellow ENFP to boot. Your content has become quite the source of motivation and empowerment for me ❤ Love love love it! Sending gratitude.

[@LorraineVirginie]

The more I’m learning the more I think my entire family is fearful avoidant. It makes it feel impossible to have a deep connection with anyone. People who open up to me too fast tend to freak me out and scare me off. I’ve found I have a slightly easier time building a little deeper connections with new people but I also just don’t have time and room in my life to go out and make new friends or meet people.

[@chanibanny]

Heidi, you are seriously amazing. Really. I've been looking gor answers for years. I'm 32, been dating since I was 19, and have never had a long lasting relationship. I've been to therapy throughout those years, and am pretty aware of the pattern, but I've never heard anyone explain fearful avoidant as accurately and as in detail as you do while also giving the best advice. I know ther's still a long way to go, but your videos are giving me a lot of hope. Thank you so much❤

[@beefer1397]

Heidi, I’m so impressed with what you are doing. I can only imagine how much dedication and thought you have put into all of this ❤.

[@tdwilliams232]

Ummmm this was the BEST explanation of this attachment and I’ve been around the block on my healing journey with this style! And so timely as I struggle to move on from a relationship that I know wasn’t serving my needs anyway. Thank you thank you!

[@siankhan3762]

Thank you for explaining this in easy to comprehend terms. I have been on a roller coaster ride for the last 9 months with my GF still not sure exactly what her attachment style is but it’s at least a little clearer. Her on again off again behavior was exhausting and emotionally draining. Hated to see her go but I’m not therapist.

[@Asher22222]

As a FA, I completely experienced #2. I asked him to move out. I’m now working on myself while we’re working on our relationship. He, not surprisingly, has issues with alcohol abuse, and I’m figuring out where my boundaries lie with that.

[@Anotherhumanexisting]

I was the one that chose to end it in 2020 because I was going thru a mental health episode… 3 years later and I still regret it and am not over it, while he’s engaged to someone else. It didn’t help that we remained friends and saw each other regularly for the first 2 years. My brain cannot accept he’s not my family any more. Wish we had just communicated more… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again like that. Dating has just been painful despite lots of therapy. I miss my person…

[@faelisa]

Thanks! This was very enlightening. I was/am with a FA who, ended things suddenly when things were going great. Ended things but never went anywhere. I gave him space and he stayed around until he ended things again. Every time he gets too close, he convinces himself that we have nothing in common, or that I must be lying or cheating because how could I love him? He ended things for the 3rd time last month and this time, pushed me away, but didn't go anywhere. I remained calm, didn't really react, but gave him his space. When I try to explain that I understand why he does this, he won't listen. I just hope that one day he realizes that he deserves to be in a healthy relationship and does the work. I'd send him the vid link but, he wouldn't watch it.

[@faelisa]

Update: He left again and took the extra step. He started dating right away. I guess that's it. It's sad to me. He said he has to delete and block me because of the new girl and I told him, do what you have to do, and I hope you find your happiness. I'm crushed but I can't stay in this state. So I'm going to feel what I'm feeling, start picking up the pieces, and keep working on myself. I don't think I'll get over him so this space is what I need.

[@annaz3266]

@@faelisa Im so sorry you are going through this :( Sending you lots of love💖

[@barbarasaracini1271]

​@@faelisaSounds awful. You will get over it eventually, but in some ways, will always be with you.

[@nichlasgronlund5328]

….. only thing this video lacks is a mic-drop at the end. You are a true gem Heidi, absolutely crying my eyes out listening to this. ❤️

[@emmagbates]

This was incredibly accurate for me. Ive been aware of myself as a fearful avoidant and consciously doing a lot of healing work in the last few months and if i had seen this video a few months before I would have been BLOWN away and assumed you were talking about me specifically. This is so helpful, thank you so much! 💗

[@MorleyMacDougall]

You do an excellent job of walking through these emotional mechanics. This was very helpful understanding my previous partner and building insight and compassion for their experience. Thank you.

[@jdb6026]

Thank you so much for this. For many years, I have suffered because I had not really understood the reason behind why I do what I do and feel what I feel. I had given up hope on myself and had suicidal ideations. This video alone has made understanding myself easier. You have a way of presenting the fearful-avoidant attachment style that is easily understood. I just hope that I would be able to hear actual stories so that I can compare it with my own. I still feel hopeless and like I'll never be in a satisfying relationship - heck, even my work is affected - but I guess the first step is being aware and wanting to change. I wish I had the money to go through therapy, but because I don't, I hope that facing and dealing with this by myself is the next best thing.

[@Zoe88859]

Thank you Heidi! Every point felt so relevant and true, I pretty much sobbed (and laughed) throughout - our poor little brains trying to navigate all of this 🥹 the healing journey can feel fairly overwhelming, but I’m so glad it’s possible

[@alexandraskoo55]

Perfect description of my life/ world/ chaos. Pretty cool tips given at the end, will explore. Grateful that I’ve come in contact with this video & that it exists. Thank you!

[@OoOLithiumOoO]

Dear Heidi, I have been reading about trauma and healing for 8 years now (I'm 26). Self help has been a huge part of my life, mostly trying to find out in "what's wrong with me" and trying to heal myself in private - so I could finally go out into the world and be "like everyone else". I cannot thank you enough for bringing a whole other level of clarity and coherence to the emotional / relational area of my life. Your videos give me a concrete framework of the emotional landscape - and they enable me to take concrete steps towards healing. While most other sources on these topics are just wishy washy. Thank you for the gift you are bringing to the world, by combining your sharp intellect and logical intelligence with the world of emotion. You are helping me (and lots of people obviously) in a significant way. Best regards David

[@Usedtobeabandalore]

Heidi. The way you present and talk about these subjects, I have no words for it. How you keep me concentrating until the end with the way my mind is at the moment. I've even made notes, putting things into practice. Found shadow work because of you. You have saved my sanity. I can't thank you enough ❤

[@ilariiabelova3197]

You are the first psychologist who has struck me with every video I’ve watched. I’ve never donated before, but I’m crying right now because each of your videos is changing my perspective on myself and my relationship

[@brittanymarciniak5078]

Heidi, you are so brilliant explaining these ideas. It is uncanny that the past few videos have directly applied to me in the present moment, and each has helped me process my current situation. I have opened up to only two people (in 50 yrs). One passed away, and one recently betrayed me. Unfortunately, that person represented too many things, so yes, the loss feels magnified. Thankfully, I have an excellent therapist and your videos to help me process. You are a gift! Seriously, I have even journaled my reactions to your videos. They have really helped tremendously! ❤ I told my psychiatrist to watch them and she is going to use them as a resource for her patients. 😊

[@ritusdf]

You are god sent….. finally after so many years I understand why I feel the way I do 😢…. Thank you so much

[@QueenieEileenie]

I always thought I was a DA but the more I watch your videos the more I realize I’m an FA. Things make a lot more sense to me now. Thank you.

[@peppersnapz5102]

You have no idea how helpful this is. The ricocheting can feel so hopeless, but it all makes sense now. Definitely gonna keep these tips in mind

[@jamesbondinspector]

I watched dozens and dozens of other videos, trying to understand these attachment styles, and understand what it all means and you’re the only person so far that’s been able to spell it out and make me get it. Edit: I just found this comment that I left within the last 4 months. I find it very interesting that KZbin lists the original comment was left nine months ago. I didn’t even know my ex girlfriend 9 months ago!

[@sallybella8824]

Ive not experienced the disgust response thougj i know what you are talking about. Its not disgust for me. Its feeling overburdened like there is no way i can provide for the needs that this person is asking me for. Its more like helpless despair and just detaching because i know i cant do it.

[@AnHourOfWolves]

Honestly there is a lot in here that resonates in dealing with a current relationship. I really related to the “whose fault is it” thing… thanks for posting.

[@marianabucio6047]

You got my ass, Heidi. I don't feel like I miss my ex but find myself still thinking about them sometimes. This provided A LOT of clarity

[@bwphotovideosk]

Your videos make real sometimes divorced psychological concepts. I feel like a ton of hurt people out there have never learned attachment theory or self analyzed with it. You've helped me more than you know

[@vemrith]

💔 Reason 2 is exactly what happened to me, and I’m still trying to let go of a person for 5 years now (for the first 3 years post-breakup it didn’t even register to me I was still in love! 😅 and her being a DA is not helping, as I can’t even understand if there is any point in trying, so that September video could’ve been helpful). As long as the healing journey has been so far, I clearly still have no idea of what is ok to ask for and what is ok to be mad about, and that fawn response is so strong and the guilt is so crushing, that I’d rather not even get mad or slip at all. Which is at the end of the day even more unhealthy as I bottle everything up, even though subconsciously, and that’s the opposite of working on boundaries that got me there in the first place. And yet I’m trying so hard to do it differently with every conscious little step I can take. Will I ever get over that? …I guess I’ll have to keep watching to find out. Both the video and the movie of my life.

[@KiaraSings]

Thanks! I’m SOOOO benefitting from your videos on FA. They are so dense with insight and clarity, I’m going to have to rewatch several of them. May actually have to switch to a slower playback speed as well. Anyway, thanks for sharing your insight gained from your own experience.

[@elodyluna]

AGHH!! amazing. crying a lot, don’t have the words, just mind blowing. I watch your videos on this topic every now and then, and they hit, but sometimes, like now, they hit REALLY HARD. It is what I need to hear, I feel courage, and throughout this video I’ve felt a reconnection with my real pain, leaving the various narratives I came into this video with behind me for now. I’ve been in a very deactivated state for a few weeks now, and considering leaving my relationship, secretly already knowing I’ll regret it and miss her if I do. Feeling incredibly stuck. With these harsh structures in my mind, I’m not easily convinced, but I have again and am leaving this video with a little more hope.

[@melaniejoannejohn8]

Oh my goodness I did this exact same thing word for word, ended my relationship whilst still in love. I mean the whole processI DID IT, the regret everything. I’m still struggling to get over it’s almost 6months now. Thanks you breaking it down. You’re the first I’ve heard discuss this attachment style. 🤗🤗🤗

[@AlecksSubtil]

Wow! Simply amazed by how much you can express the way we are feeling things in a way that is way more organized than our thoughts. I'm feeling so undertood and happy to clarify the events. This wasn't simply "another video", that was a huge lesson! Thanks a lot for sharing those points of view.

[@ace.browning]

Heidi! From the deepest part parts of my heart I say THANK YOU! ❤ This one video gave me so much clarity as to why I was feeling so in and out with my most recent partner. Knowing I truly loved her, recognizing some distrust I had toward her revolving around finances and the amount of affection shown toward me. The toxic shame and unconscious pushing away I did based on differences in culture and physical appearances… I now see a large portion of the dysfunction in our relationship (on my side) has steered from my family enmeshment traumas and not knowing how to truly set boundaries for myself and the toxic shame of wanting to be my own individual with my own preferences but it being shut down by my caretakers both overtly and subtly. I love your videos even though they can be tough pills to swallow at times; but, they help those of us who need to see the unseen dark spots of our own psyche. Much love and success to yo!🌹 Looking forward to seeing the video on enmeshment in romantic relationships 🙂

[@shellae1922]

WOW...brilliant. Much needed clarification on all processes, especially the healing process.

[@leilale4305]

Watching this video again and looking back at this attachment healing journey I’ve been on for the past 2-3 years, it feels so good to see how far I’ve come. Thank you truly for your help Heidi ❤️

[@eliseta4232]

everything you say is so helpful. I'm having sort of a relapse with a breakup from years ago and it drives me crazy cause the feelings I have are so not from this present moment but rather they feel like opening old wounds that it's so hard to understand myself. My very most thank you.

[@raininseptember]

This may very well be the single most helpful video I will ever stumble upon in my life. Thank you so much.

[@zeynepmcj]

Literally on point.. At some point I thought she knows me.. Deeply thank you for what you are doing and helping me to really understand myself.

[@fernfunk]

you really are astonishing, Heidi. you should get the nobel prize for psychology. this is all very enlightening, sadly only with respect to my past, but that's certainly something! and you're probably helping a lot of lucky people who are learning from you when they need it most in their life.

[@bryceoleski5680]

I dated a fearful avoidant and thought she was so open to me. But in reality, she was keeping parts of her thoughts hidden from me. Those thoughts brewed into resentment for me, she deactivated, resulting in a breakup which to me came out of nowhere. If you are a fearful avoidant, please work to share your needs so your partner can fulfill them, before it’s too late.

[@imferrer]

Im going thru same shit mate

[@bryceoleski5680]

@@imferrer sorry to hear that. The damage is long lasting and brutal. I am just focusing on healthy habits and trying to redirect rumination 🤷‍♂️

[@imferrer]

@@bryceoleski5680 so are u still trauma bonded? how it was after those 7 months its been 3 months since break up and 2 weeks since no contact with her for me

[@michellekalski8823]

This was so helpful. I experience a sense of disgust or being turned off in terms of attraction, but didn’t recognize disgust as a deactivation strategy

[@woodrunner8]

Thank you for this Heidi, for the last 4 months I’ve been trying to understand myself and my attachment style couple with many other trauma triggers I have. Started from the person I was with for 3 years and finally noticed why we keep repeating this anxious/avoidant attachment dance. This opened my eyes more about what she is going through.

[@jaslineq3847]

this 100% confirmed that this is my attachment style.. the way EVERYTHING was so specific yet accurate to me. thank you.

[@filipesimoes2524]

Heidi, seriously?! You are soooooo gifted!! You can make such a complex topic so easy to understand!! Amazing! Congrats! Thanks !

[@MelOBrien-12]

The bonfire analogy was 🔥! I took notes this entire video because you explain the FA experience with such clarity. Grateful that you dedicate so much time to educating people on how we relate to one another - it's an education that we all need, yet the vast majority of us never receive.

[@sophiesingh6141]

I took notes too! I feel like this video has changed my life. Omg. I feel so seen. I always thought that the suffering and pain in my life was just personal to me. I didn't realize that there are others out there with very parallel stories.

[@eugeblacks]

Kudos for quoting Alice Miller. Would love to know your other sources for all of these wonderful and practical insights. After several years of exploring attachment theory, this has brought together so many less-easily-identified threads and created a much fuller picture of what an FA experiences in complete isolation with no points of reference.

[@redenavari]

5:45 to 6:40 summed up my entire week. I'm realizing there's a pattern where I get frustrated, can't quite figure out the source of my frustration, pick a petty fight over something minor, and then expect my partner to leave me for it, blaming myself and fawning in desperate hope of salvaging the relationship and my self-esteem, while also wanting to hit the bricks myself. But I'm so paralyzed by my own confusion that I end up watching my partner for cues, and when they just act normal, because it was really a petty, nothing argument, and we've technically made up, I tell myself we're fine and stop panicking. But I'm still left completely defeated and confused, incapable of figuring out what set me off in the first place or what I should have done instead, a small part of me believing I broke something irreparably and we're both just pretending I didn't. It's an exhausting way to live.

[@estyrer]

Thank you so much for writing this! I just had this exact thing happen to me, me being the partner who thinks we’ve moved past it, and then when it suddenly came up again, it led to everything ending (again). It completely shocked me to see how much this one little misunderstanding had affected my partner and how they clearly thought I was holding it against them when I really wasn’t and wanted to move on. It’s very disorienting, especially since I can see the regret and remorse, but once they shut down I’m not able to argue anything anymore. And then the shame grows so big on their side we can’t even rekindle until weeks later when they realize they miss me.

[@marummm]

Wow I cried with this video. Related in a couple of points. But I'm so confused, I feel like I have fearful avoidant traits but not all. Like I started being aware of my attitudes and felt the need of space and time to solve the problems in the relationship, not to end it but to amend it, and asked my ex for it, he said he just wanted to "chill" during that time and I couldn't accept that, so left. I'm feeling all of that right now: at first, was convinced my decision was correct (and still think that), now that they are in another relationship all the feelings came at once and stronger. Now I'm really feeling the pain, like REAL pain. Also thinking about who was responsible of what. Some days I'm proud of my desicions, others I feel blame, others I accept that both had a part in the problem. It's crazy. Also, i do struggle with finding meaningful connections, but i do have emotional connections with friends and family. My ex was not the only one, but i certainly feel sad bc i think is very difficult for me to genuinely connect with a person enough to start a relationship. Now I don't know if I am a fearful avoidant or a mix of many attachments?

[@KsindlX123]

One of the most compassionate videos about fearful avoidant people that I’ve seen. A few weeks ago, I ruined a relationship with a woman I truly love. I’d like to fix it, but it’s probably not possible anymore. So far, I’ve only encountered misunderstanding and judgment of my emotions from others. This video makes me feel like I’m not alone. ❤