Feeling Obligation And Dread Toward A Narcissist

Ideally, you would approach your relationships with free choice, with an attitude of positive anticipation. But when you have routine engagements with a narcissists that free choice can be overshadowed by obligation, accompanied by dread. Dr. Les Carter acknowledges the difficulty this presents and discusses ways to manage your expectations.
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[@doodoo_butt]

Dread. Dread when this person speaks. Dread when this person's around. Dread knowing they're going to cut you down in every casual conversation, dread knowing they're going to throw in digs & insults about you when nothing problematic is even happening, dread knowing you're in a perpetual state of "catching shade" as the cool kids say.

[@cyndigooch1162]

Doo Doo Butt You've explained it perfectly because this is exactly what it's like! I've experienced it with way too many people throughout my life though, hence why it's best to stop contact, if possible, as soon as I notice the feeling due to their behaviour. I have stopped contact with highly narcissistic family members, who have been doing this for many years, or they've done so with me, which is their choice. ❤

[@doodoo_butt]

@@cyndigooch1162 I hate that this narc stuff is even a thing, but there is a comfort in knowing someone else knows EXACTLY what you're talking about. Hey I understand if you gotta go no contact. This whole thing has taught me a higher principle/ standard of "Value for Value". In any endeavor, work, life, relationships,... If something or someone is not adding value to your life & only bringing you headaches... You are not obligated to keep that around. Likewise I have to bring value to others/ organizations... But it's an exchange. Love you, enjoy being free, free to be ...YOURSELF.

[@deehen9844]

You should give yourself another name other than Doo Doo Butt. That is an insult to yourself. It's unclean and ungodly; unacceptable to God for any person to use that to disguise themselves. All people were created to be glorious. But some sell themselves over to something or someone that changes their outlook on themselves. I pray narcissic abuse have not caused you to hide yourself under a name called Feces. That is not good. But God is Good. He allows it to rain ☔ for all.

[@christinamessina8417]

Do you ever feel like it’s too much to bare? Like you can’t continue sitting through it any longer. I feel like being around my narcissistic mother is taking its tole on my mental health to where I feel like I’m now depressed. I cry a lot out of dread of being around her and having to deal with her. I work for her so it’s hard when my finances are tied around putting up with her. After confronting her multiple times over the years about her abuse towards me as a child up until now and she always plays the victim. Now She plays nice sometimes and pretends like our relationship is normal. I recently confronted her about her behavior and of course she deflects and denies it all. I took a few days break from her and I come back to work and she acts like nothing happened. I’m just tired of pretending just to get by. I’ve tried grey rock but it feels fake to me. I want what’s real and genuine or nothing at all. Grey rock doesn’t help me because it’s hard for me to ignore someone when their talking because I care about other’s feelings. It feels like it’s going against who I am. At this point I feel the only way to be free is to completely cut contact with her.

[@chayo4537]

AS THE COOL KIDS SAY

[@steveguitarman1488]

The biggest trick a narcissist has ever played on me is to convince me that I'm obliged to do something that I'm not obliged to do.

[@secondhorizon]

The narcissist preys on your natural instinct to be good.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Whole-hearted agreement on this. I recognize the dread in knowing what doing good will actually cost me when dealing with a narcissist. These streams have indeed given a better perspective on how to be good to a narcissist.

[@sage9836]

Yes. Too few people recognize that giving, caring, compromise, and a sense of community is natural to healthy people - and a narcissist twists that.

[@chipchippie]

That's so to make you go into defense mode every time you see them. I know it's really sick to say this but they enjoy seeing us flinch.

[@RepentTimeIsAtHand]

Fight them on your knees. Pray for those who despitefully use you. God Almighty does the rest! May he give those of us dealing with this dark evil enemy his grace.

[@tbunnyshy1]

I hurts to read this because its so true.

[@mythologic]

Have any of you experienced when you snap at a narcissist for provoking you and they attack back as if you wronged them? 😮

[@jenniferyates8100]

Yes I have. You are not alone.

[@cyndigooch1162]

Michael Navarro It's an extremely common scenario with narcissistic individuals, which I've experienced more than once, so you're definitely not alone!

[@jennyanderson4796]

Thx, mine is still being used against me years later.

[@realliving7340]

Very typical of narcs.

[@PaulinaChills]

DARVO deflect, argue, reverse, victim, offender

[@RatedArggg]

I'm avoiding ALL of the holidays this year just to avoid a narcissist. It feels peaceful and calming, not as lonely as you might think.

[@s.s.8029]

I relish my peace and sanity since saying "no" to the toxic people around me.

[@MaryJoMatey]

Id LOVE to do this ,, but my grand kids MEAN the WORLD to me,,, and we are soooo close ... I pretty much raised the one that will soon be 8 ... I wish she some how would disappear !!! (Their mom )

[@rebeccawilliamson7401]

Safe

[@RedRubyStones]

Avoiding all types of abuse is the only way to feel peace!

[@amarbyrd2520]

I'm ... a little envious

[@butterflygirl2285]

I finally figured out that appeasing a narcissist might work for the short term, but not the long term. I do what is best for me, and never expect a narcissist to be grateful. I strive to behave in an ethical, moral, and legal manner in all situations. But, I don't go out on a limb to help a selfish person who puts me in physical or psychological pain and suffering.

[@emilykirkman8468]

Very articulate!! 👍🏻

[@ilovejesuschrist992]

Amen 🙏

[@meredith2803]

❤❤

[@justice8563]

I used to feel obligated, now it’s nothing but dread. It’s a constant fear of vengeance of what’s next and when. It’s a never ending battle when it’s a family unit. I’m tired of running because I’ve said no.

[@izi.z2384]

yes

[@loekiekanters4295]

The trap is sometimes that they give the impression that they are doing it for you, while it is to maintain the system in which you as a scapegoat are essential.

[@lastthingsministry]

Yes that is it. They maintain contact just to make sure you're still kept in place as the scapegoat so they can relax and feel they are better than us. Pathetic of them isn't it. They really can't live without us being the Scapegoat..they get their feeling of self worth from someone else's feelings of worthlessness.

[@JanetSnakehole28]

The beauty of being the family scapegoat, at least in my case, is that I learned to be self sufficient & independent from a very early age. Before I even knew I was dealing with narcissists, something in my gut told me never to rely on them for anything & never to get financially entangled with them. Like Pinnochio sang, 'I got no strings', but it just took me a while to realise that the family had no leverage to force me to stay in contact. It was the false sense of duty & obligation that kept me stuck. When the prospect of going 'home' for Christmas feels as appealing as going for a root canal, it's time to start backing away.

[@rosieE121]

I hope that one person does not ruin your relationship with all the others. That is sabotaging and isolating a victim.

[@MaryPothoven]

@@rosieE121 That's what happened to us - husband, son, and I. Still, being the scapegoat is miserable.

[@53c3000]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@taraarrington2285]

So true. Even talking to some of them feels wrong. They must truly be delusional after all they've done

[@iys6890]

I can so relate to this!

[@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning]

My father would routinely create unnecessary and difficult drama. He would ask me as the eldest, what could he do? He would then do the opposite, creating more drama. Then he would call me and want me to bail him out. I would say, "Dad, why do you ask me for advice and not follow it? Why do you call me when the whole forest is on fire instead of when it is just a few embers?". He never had an answer to that. I had no idea about narcissism and their insatiable need for ridiculous drama. Finally saying "No" and going no contact allowed me to heal and get perspective around what doing the "right thing" really looked like.

[@shelley7975]

Exactly, they throw the match and then want you to put out the fire they started. I'm in that kind of situation right now, and it's dreadful to say the least. Advice to a narcissist is futile. Good for you for finally saying no.

[@TurtleHillTx]

My Malignant Covert Narc mother fell 1 week ago (93) and broke her hip. I am all she has now. she's killed everybody else out of the picture. Im a believer and have tried for many years to do the right thing. Frankly, I don't think I can hold on much longer. As bad as it sounds, I really was hoping she wouldn't make it through the surgery. Well, she did and meaner than ever! "Dread" dealing with her is an under statement! I'm nearly 74. Don't think it's possible to hang on much longer. So very tired!! Just want out! She is so demanding....it's hard to care anymore!! Just being honest!!

[@realliving7340]

Do what's best for you. Jesus said to love your neighbor as you love YOURSELF. I left a narc husband of many years & now I'm learning this with my own adult child. May God give us peace and strength to love others in the order he stated. 🥰

[@KastenBuleleng]

Im 68 with a 97 yr old narc mother who used to regularly have me in tears trying to please her. On reflection after a cancer diagnosis and recognising anxiety probably contributed a lot to it I have begun to practice loving detachment, recognising whatever I do is never enough, and recognising that hearing all her negativity all the time and absorbing it is unhealthy for me. So I stay with her to help less than before, i brush off horrible things she says by ignoring them or trying to make them into a joke and I go for waljs when she gets too much. For years I have filtered what I told her about my personal life as she would just use that to fire her attacks. As awful as it may seem I hope she goes to sleep and does not wake up. It would be a blessing for everyone.

[@Alice-jd5oq]

@@realliving7340 I was in a situation like this 3 years ago. Then I went very ill, it took me a year to recover. But it stopped me feeling obligated. When I read your message, I think, either wait until an illness stops you, or stop right now. I would advise you to stop before you get sick a whole year 🥰

[@WindyPoplars]

That's a really difficult time you are having. If you can, share your struggles with other trustworthy believers. People that will have sympathy and not judge you. We are told to bear each other's burdens, and it really does help to lift the load to share how hard it is. I hope you have or can find some people like that 💛.

[@MaryPothoven]

@@realliving7340 Do you mean that your adult child is also a narcissist?

[@jesstallfeather]

This!.... In a nutshell my employment environment for the last decade, can't afford to walk away financially, can't afford to stay for my mental health .

[@Sally-ih6ls]

I stayed in a very toxic work environment because I thought I needed the job, but with the stress and toxic environment I developed MS within 2 years. I loved my job, hated the environment but it caused a lot of damage to me. After I left the job, MS has been under control, never got worse. Toxic workplaces are not worth your health, get out ASAPif you can, don’t fight it.

[@Juke582]

Been there done that too! It just about killed me! I had to take Zanax a lot to survive it. I finally left the job after my divorce to the narcissist husband and get away from that awful trapped life! If you can leave you need to for your sanity. If not, Sr Carter has other videos teaching how to tolerate it.

[@nickijames5122]

This is the hardest situation to be in - cannot stay and put up with anymore abuse but unable to leave either 😔 Honestly, I can’t believe I’ve got through 28 years dealing with the narc husband on my own and managing to raise a family. What doesn’t kill us most definitely makes us stronger 😐

[@Sally-ih6ls]

@@nickijames5122 what doesn’t kill you will make you very sick, physically and mentally, doesn’t make me stronger,makes me bitter and confused too

[@kevinogorman8406]

I'm 64 at the end of the most horrendous divorce and I wouldn't have missed a day of it to never see her again. I wish this stuff was taught in schools so we could find them early and stop their evil behaviour patterns. Run Run Run

[@dianathomas2674]

Now kids learn from tiktok and other social media so there might be hope, even if parents don't teach them. So sorry for the years you have suffered through, so happy you are getting out!

[@chipchippie]

Yes interesting isn't it? The narcissist wants us to feel obligated to be available for them to use us like a doormat. I imagine after some time that's what causes the victim intense dread which I feel leads to PTSD over the long term.

[@lisbethbird8268]

Right on chip.

[@Jess-kn8vl]

It leads to Complex PTSD (CPTSD)

[@MrGearoid65]

That's me right now. I blew up and spoke my truth but am now being excluded and ostracized. Everyone loves the narcissist. Everyone hates me, in spite of the good I tried to do for years. Lord help me. Will evil prosper where good should prevail?

[@MaryPothoven]

@@MrGearoid65 not forever. ❤

[@notthatvashti8127]

This really hits home. Because of my longtime relationship I was often "obligated" to spend time with people who made me feel inconsequential, unwanted, and unloved. I totally agree with the detriments that you mentioned here, and I love the new movement that has recently started of 'the body keeps score.' Even when we are not aware of the damage that we're doing to ourselves our body is holding onto all of that toxicity, and often our mental/ physical health pays the price. Obligations because you are trying to be nice, polite, or kind are one thing, but sacrificing our whole being to please toxic people is too much of a cost to pay! Thanks Dr C for these most necessary messages!

[@teacup1703]

Now maybe the holiday season won’t be full of dread. Alone is better than being subjected to the facade of narcissistic holiday gatherings.❤️‍🩹 The years of obligation has come to its natural end.❤️

[@onelife7247]

One hundred percent better to enjoy your own company than that of people who do not view you as an equal human being.

[@andrestipanovic7407]

Proverbs 15:17 Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fatted calf with hatred

[@Minga-pi3fo]

I left the narcissist in my life in the dust over two years ago. A sibling. I've had the most peaceful days of my life since doing so. Was it easy, no. Did it come with some measure of guilt, possibly, because his effects after a lifetime had to wear off and that takes some time. NO MORE DREAD!!! Life is beautiful now.

[@fred.k9875]

There’s no obligation higher than self preservation including our loved ones!

[@chipchippie]

Unfortunately sometimes it's even self-preservation from our loved ones. I've been wanting to ask Dr. Carter the question how do we love a narcissist or narcissists that include loved ones? I don't have an answer for that right now. As for Dr Carter, I don't expect him to have an answer to that question either. I mean I know it's love them from behind boundaries that we set up but unfortunately for my boundaries and several narcissists (I even had narcissists in my extended family), it's no contact.

[@mandycote5662]

When one learns to respect and love one’s self by boundaries and learning skills to navigate this is loving the narcissist AS one loves him/ herself - remember - being an enabler is not becoming let alone loving Jesus said - love your neighbour as your self- self respect gives boundaries which is discipline which gives discipleship

[@mandycote5662]

I have a verse for your no contact I must go and retrieve it so as to quote and not paraphrase it as I’ve been told I will come back with it ♥️

[@jeankipper6954]

Boy they sure don't think so

[@Indy__isnt_it]

I shake my head at all who have turned their backs on US now it is just us, good vs evil. LE on the perp side, victims have two choices, a baker act (5150?) Locked up against your will. You cannot imagine how many knocks on my door by calling them for protection of his lies and lock ups, illegal activity elsewhere, swept under the rug by the sheriff's dept, a fl county deputy supervisor of an abusive arrogant young bittercop, oops buttercup, right out of pre K, grinnin' from ear to ear while spitting out derogatory comments about his use of force against me. Psychological abuse is just as dangerous Ms Marlene if not worse. You don't see them coming, until the bullet travels too fast to get out of harms way. But a judge see's no evidence with two huge lies, locking ME up. They are barking up the wrong tree. One day my message WILL BE HEARD. Dep marlene or close enough. Was told to leave my home by his supervisor for his attitude toward a scared victim of abuse. Total disgrace how he approached ME when I called for my protection, didn't know it would be against HIM

[@helenseymour1041]

I have had that feeling of dread so many times and when I have ignored it and gone ahead and done whatever it was, I have ended up regretting it every time. Good advice as always. Thank you

[@janmal6333]

The resentment really comes when my partner is reliable and helpful to other people but reliably unreliable for me. He just never gets it. I see what needs to be done and do it. He does things and wants praise for it.I dread that😝 now worn out mentally and physically. Nothing much left to give willing and searching for freedom

[@aaronkwolfe]

My pastor teaches, and this is one that I’ve taken to heart: “ Get up, do the right thing, go to bed.” Repeat daily. I will admit to a feeling of dread at times at what the right thing will call for. But, having lived with a narcissist, it redefines the right thing.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Maybe that should be, 'Get up, do your best, go to bed' Just saying 🙏

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Even my best isn’t always the “right thing.”

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@aaronkwolfe I know. Sometimes your best just ain't good enough! 😕

[@lifewithapurpose237]

@@amandaliverpool3374: add *rinse and repeat*

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@lifewithapurpose237 😊💐

[@theyellowshoe]

I'm at the 5:31 mark, THIS is exactly how/what I'm at! I can't leave (just yet) because I don't want to be on the streets, homeless shelters are full where I'm at. Also I don't have family (or friends) to help me, so for the time being I'm stuck & just "dealing" with this. You are talking exactly what I'm going through. I'm going to rewatch this video!

[@lovestolaugh]

There are so many wonderful videos on his channel. And Dr Ramini, and Flying Free, and Lisa Romano, Among others...

[@chayo4537]

What's up with majority of yall depending on someone else financially?

[@marilynminer677]

@@chayo4537 Narcs do work hard and insidiously to encourage, promote, "make" and keep one dependent on THEM, in any area. (emotionally, expertise, financially...on and on.) It's a slippery slope that becomes quite difficult to pull out of and build a sense of agency and competency in yourself. Plus they punish independence.

[@diane19456]

Me too

[@wendio37]

Obligation and dread as we approach the holidays. Definitely!!

[@chipchippie]

Yes I'm obligated to give the narcissist presents even though they've been very bad all year long. As I've kind of found out they're now telling the rest of my family members that I'm dead. I'm fine with it I just find it amusing since I'm more alive than I was when I was around them. And I did all that with help from all of you and Dr Carter isn't that amusing? I know it's not funny it's just funny how easy it all was and how badly I needed to do it.

[@tbunnyshy1]

💯

[@David-eu1ms]

@@chipchippie why give gifts to people who don't like you?

[@doves4christ4]

@@chipchippie you are not obligated to give a narcissist gifts. If you are looking for a breakthrough then stop feeling obligated. Just let go!!! It maybe just the right wake-up call that the narcissist needs. They made the mess so let them clean it up! Healing is what you need so don’t condescend out of fear. Trust that God can and will work in their heart when you fully let go!!!

[@mqua4610]

DREAD! Exactly how I feel when I’m enjoying a beautiful walk in my neighborhood and the narcissist pulls up in her golf cart and wants to “chat.” Chat is code for “tell me all your secrets and all the secrets of all the neighbors too.” These people are relentless! If you don’t tell them something juicy, they harass you and insult you. People on this channel know the rule! Never tell the narcissist anything unless you want it announced like from a megaphone 📣 or used against you. I just accept her insults and excuse myself as I try to go on my merry way. 😢

[@calight1111]

Dread. A horrible feeling left well after the narcissist.

[@chipchippie]

This topic is actually making me quite anxious.

[@karendixon401]

And the same leading up to it..🥵 I've said to 2 others as calmly as possible since Thanksgiving that I have no intention of doing their orders for my life. But it's still all being mulled over and over in my mind things they said several days ago.. And of course I'm getting the silent treatment by 1 and the other did answer but had a solution of how I need to comply! I texted.. Not happening. This is why I just hate having any dealings with them.. I know 2-3 narcissists in that group who would be so happy if they knew I was this much in knots.🥨 I'll not let on.. and I'll make it.. Maybe no Christmas connection.. Will see..😨😝🙌🎄👍

[@butterflygirl2285]

@@karendixon401 IMO - Don't waste time mulling the events over in your mind. A narcissist only cares about his own agenda: no matter what you say or do it will never be enough. The only person you can change is yourself, and your reactions to the narcissist. Do what is best for you.

[@carolemarra111162]

Amen kid!

[@calight1111]

@@carolemarra111162 You know it kid!!

[@BudFuddlacker]

I used to think family was everything, until I learned about narcissism and how toxic my entire family actually is. My mom is the only person that isn’t, and I only tough my way through the holiday gatherings so that I don’t miss any opportunities to see her. I feel so stuck, because I want to see my mom, but being around everyone has made me so miserable. Thanksgiving was a complete nightmare, and now I’m considering not showing up for Christmas, but I will miss my mom dearly, it’s such a terrible situation.

[@raggedyann8762]

And a terrible situation for your Dear Mother also...I’m sure she feels as deeply saddened as you but might not dare express it🥺 maybe you can meet up with your Mom for lunch or dinner.🤗

[@texaspatty458]

I must be in an avoidance pattern , I've chosen not to enter that pit of vipers . I'm also very blessed that my work environments have been good . I'm retired now & am quite " free " to make my own choices about who I want to be around . Life's getting better Dr.Carter . 👍✝️❤️

[@onelife7247]

It is literally a pit of vipers. Outsiders simply cannot comprehend what a relief it is to be alone away from these type of people.

[@chipchippie]

My parents were snakes. Couldn't really get away from it. I always felt like they tried to choose our lifestyles for us kids we didn't make any of those choices on our own.

[@douaa1934]

been there Done that The only obligation you have is to yourself and your loved ones And Keep your boundaries up with the narcissists

[@butterflygirl2285]

IMO - you do what is best for you. The idea that we have to suffer through holidays and or life with abusive people is illogical. It just enables and continues the dysfunctional behavior. If others don't like it that's tough. where do we get the idea that we must endure the situation? That is what I want to know.

[@apricotcookie4850]

"Listen to your dread.". This is so helpful: it's advice, it's validation, it's a beacon in the darkness, and it's a comfort. Wow, Dr. Carter, thank you so much.

[@karenfrey9885]

I have a mother that is a narccissist. She checks all the boxes... my sister sent me a text that literally knocked me to my knees. This was 3 days ago and I am struggling to get a grip on my hurt and anger. I told my mother about it and she has no empathy or any feelings at all. Mom and my sister are so repulsive to me I do not care to ever see them again. I am struggling with controlling all of these emotions. My mother was more concerned with people drinking a glass of wine, because after all, God is not happy about that. I am like, so that is the biggest problem in this family, a glass of wine?

[@dawnpokemontrainer]

Wait! What? Didn't Jesus turn water into wine? :-) Seriously, though, I'm so sorry you are going through this. The world is a better place because you are in it. Hugs and moral support. Please take care of you.

[@andrewsmith3257]

I know that feeling

[@rakrek7250]

Just looking for something to hurt you with. Next time it will be something else. They are trying to get you to react. Hang in there. Logic and reason can not be used when dealing with toxic people

[@taraarrington2285]

@@rakrek7250 yes whenever you're happy and things are going good here comes this Doom and Gloom from them. It's weird to realize that whenever I'm happy and doing good it's like it makes my mom unhappy and then whenever I'm in a bad place or depressed it's like my mom is happy

[@kazbah1217]

@ Karen Frey Holy cow its like u are my doppelganger. I'm also Karen and am having a very similar experience with my narc mother and sister. The sister is the golden child and I was turned out as the family scapegoat. And my Mother is a religious nutter too! Sending you hugs from across the globe my friend❤🙂

[@Cathyat40]

I stopped attending management meetings at work because of narcissists. I lost money, but I gained peace of mind and I don't regret it.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good for you!

[@missmoxiemaesmith8287]

Obligation especially if it’s a parent that’s the narcissist you’re dealing with. Then there’s the dread knowing you have to go visit… I literally get physically sick knowing I have to be around this person. This person attacks my looks, my character and a lot of times I clap back and then I feel extremely guilty. I honestly don’t want to be a bitter person, but this person really brings out the worse in me. I could cut ties, but I’ll be made out to be the unstable bad guy😣🙁

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

fuck how they try to make you out as......cut ties while you are still sane

[@faithworks217]

Maybe make the visits brief and leave as soon as they say something nasty or needling. Just give them a steady look and leave without saying anything, except, "Well, I have to go now." They might eventually get the message that they are going to be alone for long periods of time, if they don't refrain from verbal abuse. And you will get credit for having shown up, at least, even if you didn't stay long. Maybe bring them a pastry or a crossword puzzle book, etc . . . as a token of concern for their well-being. It doesn't really matter if they appreciate it or not. After you leave, it will be sitting there to remind them of what occurred during the visit.

[@cocogomez2278]

Obligated no more. I'm obligated to my happiness.

[@jenniferyates8100]

Well done. I am to. Thank you Dr Carter. Bless you 🙏😀

[@realliving7340]

Amen to that!

[@moxiepooties6363]

A friend of mine felt obliged to help her much older, disabled brother paint his new government-provided apartment -- ANY time he decided he was bored and wanted to move -- out of "duty to family". This in spite of the nasty things he said about her to her face! I figured he should either ask friends to help him, or get more help from the government, or pay someone to do the job, if he felt his apartment HAD to be painted.......................... She also catered to him when he landed in the hospital due to his drinking.....instead of telling him he could rely on his drinking buddies to help him out! Why? "I'd feel responsible if anything happened to him." She was afraid he would make another suicide attempt. And she made herself responsible for this very sick man, in spite of the damage the relationship caused to her, which was extensive! She is today in a nursing home suffering with dementia/Alzheimer's, after years of anxiety/depression/panic disorder and fretting about other people's opinions about her. So I have to ask, what did she get out of her "duty" nonsense? Her brother had options so did her alcoholic! She didn't "owe" them anything. She suffered because of their self-centeredness. She likely took this responsibility on to avoid a sense of guilt, or perhaps even out of "codependency" as she said things like "I need to be needed." One should want to be accepted, appreciated, valued............ NOT NEEDED! Her brother was NOT going to suddenly be good to her because she did things for him. In fact, the only time they had any interaction was when he WANTED something from her! And this was after their parents were dead! She didn't have to do this to avoid the condemnation of her parents or to "keep peace in the family"! A person who sacrifices their own need to keep "peace" in the family is actually sacrificing HIS OWN PEACE! I have noted that in a lot of families, the sons neglect their parents if there is a sister or other responsible person around to do the "duty" caretaking work, but the sons nevertheless step up and press to collect their "rightful" inheritance! My narcissist put me LAST behind everything: whims, pets, coworkers, neighbors, associates, etc. for YEARS. They told me how WONDERFUL she is!!!! Because she has a nicey nicey false face for them, while I took the hostility and unsubstantiated, projected rage, resentments, putdowns and neglect. I am not going to put myself through more emotional pain and loss of my self-respect and sense of safety and self for the sake of "duty" should she suddenly decide she needs me, even though the balance of power might shift and I would be "in control" of someone who despised me. If she dies leaving her pets behind, and someone calls me to ask me to take in her pets, I will say NO THANKS. They had THEIR turn and were actually leaned on the way an alcoholic leans on their booze to medicate their own troublesome and confused feelings. They can be adopted and cared for by someone else. Or not. It isn't going to be MY problem. I won't let it be, not after years of being scapegoated, abandoned, and bludgeoned emotionally. ENOUGH!!!!! "Duty"? You don't have a "duty" to other people who feel no need to treat you with respect, to your own detriment. You have a duty to yourself. Just as you would have a duty to a child. Your "duty" to other people's craziness can actually allow them to deny that they have a problem, when they should be getting help from a competent professional counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist. You don't help people when you don't allow them to feel motivated to help themselves, instead of beating you up emotionally! Don't be manipulated into "picking up the pieces" for such dysfunctional, troubled people. You're just enabling them.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

👍🏻 like how you said what you said, moxie pooties

[@mandycote5662]

Those two words resonate with me and go together I am glad God is my Helper - I always need it 💖👑

[@christine9467]

He always guides us in the right ways.

[@rouxtheday5644]

I just need to permanently get away from these people. I hope I can do it.

[@davidJohnsonguitarguy]

I called in mediation that my city offers rather than calling the police on narc neighbors. Whether they agree to mediation or not I am going to tell them, " I want the both of you to stay on your own side of the fence". (I am very happy with the way I have handled myself with these very difficult, abusive, boundary crossing people).

[@kaynock1585]

Brilliant advice. That ‘dread’ is hideous. I remember being on holiday (vacation) and desperately wishing and daydreaming that my friend would not come back to the room and that I was on holiday alone. I have never holidayed with anyone since I now go alone. Happily 😄

[@franciscoguevara9727]

I grew up in a narc family system. Now i have 3 years and 5 months healing the cptsd from it. My recovery took off when i started setting boundaries. Narcs specially narc parents can groom a person to be yes people, and self abandon. I lived 2 years alone with that narciisistic parent. I drank to cover for that trauma. Thankfully i found a support group that atleast had some safe enough people that encouraged me to be more gentle on myself (selfcompassion) and also to start setting healthy boundaries to protect my inner child, and stay in integrity to my inner child and true self. With time and life unfolding i started internalizing the lessons and principles of healing trauma , like being more gentle on my self, having healthy boundaries (integrity to my inner child and true self) and talking and discussing with safe enough people my feelings or what's going on. Today i can be the loving parent , that loves honors, protects, and listens to my inner child is my true self , proccurs safe enough connection for him, and attunes to my inner child and his needs and the needs of my whole internal family, including my inner teenager who likes to have fun, and socialize, and enjoy and let loose hehe, and not take life too seriously. So that said, its important to love honor protect listen and stay true to my inner child, listen to his cues, when he asks me to speak up, when he wants connection and all of that with safe enough people. After having 3 years and 5 months in my healing journey, practicing gentleness humor lvoe respect i can sift out who the safe enough people are, be gentle on myself keep healthy boundaries and integrity to my inner child , and get my needs met with safe enough people , and enjoy life and have fun without taking it too seriously, knowing that i can feel my feelings, rest, and i dont have to be always so productive all the time, which is also gentlenes on myself, and healthy boundaries and integrity to my inner child, and atttunement to my whole internal family. I love connecting with safe enough people and enjoying life, and having these basic principles that worked for me after i survived a narc family system. Its safe to be gentle on myself, have boundaries, integrity to my inner child and keep the oxygen mask on first in a healthy way. This integrity to my inner child and true self, and self attunement is something very healthy for survivors that are now thriving , and attuning to their healing, and championing their inner child and trueself, and letting it all unfold organically, while keeping the oxygen mask on first in a healthy way, with the principles ive mentioned and trusting God's guidance for it all, with gentleness humor love and respect, we keep healing empaths with self gentleness and boundaries, integrity to our inner child, were worth it !!!!! and we deserve to get our needs met with safe enough reciprocal relationships! S

[@dm3144]

Wow you’re the poster child of survivor🎉 Congratulations! I hope and pray I feel the way you do, it’s only been one year and I’m struggling!😅 Thank you for your comment🦋

[@franciscoguevara9727]

@@dm3144 Thank you for reading. Yes i like to share experience strength and hope . These narcs are abusive. Its possible to love honor and protect my inner child, listen to him, attune to him, and keep choosing safe enough people to connect to. The most important thing is that i stay true to my inner child, and let the healing keep unfolding whilst having his back now. Gentleness and healthy boundaries allowed my true self to keep blossoming out. God has helped me along the way. We do heal :) love honor protect and integrate our inner children and have more wholeness and let things unfold, whilst having safe enough others around us. And slowly getting more and more into thriving, and going after our dreams and passions, goals, sharing our trueself with the world. Take care many well wishes and blessings for your journey. Were worth it, our inner child is worth it, and we can love my inner child, listen attune to him and be his voice when he needs me to speak up whilst finding our people to connect with and feelings the feelings little by little and organically. Godspeed. God gives us the strength for our healing journey to love honor protect and listen to ther inner child, and keep healing and finding others that are empaths like us and in this healing journey or atleast that are real genuinie people...:) too much coffee this morning better run. lol i can get into overexplaining which can also be a result of dealing with gaslighters. But i know i made good sense here!!!! And keeping those gaslighters away. Im worth it . Choosing safe enough people, that have empathy., were worth it. We can have healthy relationships. we deserve it. We deserve to have the oxygen mask on first in a healthy way :)!

[@dm3144]

@@franciscoguevara9727 Thank you very much for your support and kind words!🫶🦋

[@franciscoguevara9727]

@@dm3144 ❤❤

[@dm3144]

@@franciscoguevara9727 ❤️❤️

[@mimismegalife4976]

Listen to the "dread"!!! I was a victim of an arson and other crimes because a family member who I was trying to "help" decided to total my car AND set my house 🏡 on FIRE! I knew she was dangerous... I knew she was not a SAFE person. BUT feeling obligated to help her because OTHER people said I should landed me in a very dangerous situation to say the least. She is awaiting trial. I WISH I had listened to my gut

[@realliving7340]

May God bless and strengthen you❤

[@michelepascoe6068]

Aha, so those are the questions I should've asked! The question of my life was, how can I be perfect so my mother will accept me and see her opinion of me is mistaken? Wrong question based on false hope, not knowing about psychological and emotional abuse, and assuming that mothers love their children. I trusted her for 50 years, excusing her. I didn't know that I could listen to the dread and get away, and still be a decent person. I thought I could win her with love, despite never having been loved by her. Makes no sense now.

[@jmfs3497]

If you are here, many know the anguish. It can take time to cultivate putting your health first. Do not ask for permission. Become a figment of their imagination, because ultimately narcissists are already projecting their feelings onto you. All you have to do is stop responding and stop taking in personally and they will take care of the rest. They will wallow and thrash about while you pretend you can't even see it. They will constantly try to rekindle the codependency and you have to play pleasantly hard of hearing. Vanish from their field of influence right in front of them. Their power is in your compulsion to respond to them with sincerity.

[@druchampion-payne1489]

Been married 35 years and last March my husband called his mother (my MIL is very narcissistic) and told her not to call me anymore, to only call him, due to her verbal & emotional abuse over the years ... so last Sunday, 9 months later, we learned that my MIL has written me out of her will. Guess she's having a difficult time not having access to me anymore. I'm not surprised that she has written me out of her will, but my husband is so hurt & angry with her right now. I had to see his face when he got the news and that's what made me cry, later, thinking about how her vindictive behavior hurt HIM. And she's 98 and my husband will still receive his inheritance from his mom, which is good; but it's not about the money, it's how she's chosen to hurt her son. Like I stated, the news didn't surprise me, because she hates my guts and she's incredibly jealous of me. But what did surprise me was that now she's willing to hurt her son--the child she claims that she has ALWAYS wanted, and she talked about that for years: how happy she was the day he was born, etc ... and now this is how she's choosing to leave things before she departs this earth. Just mind blowing the cruel lengths that narcissists will go to hurt others. Doesn't matter who it is. Not even your own 'precious' children will escape their cruelty. So sad.

[@Voirreydirector]

Don’t go so far down that you lose yourself, powerful thought there doctor. My life seems ever that climb up out of the damage and chaos. Thank you for this very timely talk.

[@raggedyann8762]

That’s how I feel .....I have lost myself and it’s a very painful bitter place to be..I realize I never smile or laugh anymore...having a hard time feeling joy of any kind...I hope someday that I can figure it all out so the old me will return🥺

[@siriastridkristensen4272]

I would understand it as dreading is connected to fear and anger. Fear because it's not safe for our own self. And anger for the pain/the abuse. And it may feel like dreading ex. a situation or place or person. So maybe what one need is CARE. Obligation. I'm still learning practical understanding of what it is to hold a real, actual and free choice. Thank you. Siri

[@chipchippie]

I am trying to do the same. After my brother's passing I felt like it was all a weight I had to bear. I was wrong. Self-preservation, distancing and surrounding ourselves with people that understand us and our emotional needs is the road to self care.

[@siriastridkristensen4272]

@@chipchippie that seems like a good realization to come to. Yes to carrying ones' own.🎈

[@judystevens6039]

They say absolute dreadful things to you call you terrible names and blame you for everything trying hard to break your spirit

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

The obligatory guilt/dread sucks the life right out of a person. When we finally understand AND determine to both live in freedom and also allow freedom, we then understand the obligation is to self which leads to being happy to oblige rather than the weight of being obligated by guilt. Self awareness and DRC are the keys to freedom. (edited for typos)

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You got it Kelly. Obligation is not a great motivator!!

[@chipchippie]

From my own family I kind of felt like I owe them for even admitting that they love me (in retrospect this is not the kind of love anyone needs). As far as I can determine my obligation was to be a doormat available for them at any point in time they felt like abusing someone. I don't miss any of that obligation.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@chipchippie exactly 🎯

[@bar8419]

There is a point when you realize you are in a truly soul-sucking situation. That your soul is being siphoned off. It takes courage to leave.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@bar8419 yup! Likewise it takes another kind of courage to tell the narcissist to leave.

[@jackierockers3552]

Always that feeling of damned if you do damned if I do not etc.

[@chayo4537]

Oh you're dammed alright 🤣

[@cassien7585]

Thank you Dr. Les for this video. Dread is the perfect word to describe the feeling i have when my inlaws visit. They are now banned from our house bc the last time they visit my FIL said some disrespectful things about me. Now they're giving me the silent treatment and idc. I have decided after endearing many years of gaslighting, blame shifting and manipulation to go low contact. I cant go completely no contact bc my husband is trauma bonded and will not cut his parents off. For cultural implications i understand this. I however will not be subjecting myself and our children to the relentless criticism. I'm recognizing my power in this arrangment and i don't want my children exposed to the lunacy. As Dr. Les says they wear me, the kids and my husband out. He's just more primed for abuse so the healing will take longer. Thank you for making me realize I don't have to take this.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome!

[@s.s.8029]

I feel your pain.

[@TC-gx3qn]

Sorry you have to experience this, I can relate. At least your husband actually sees and acknowledges their disrespectful behavior. So glad that your husband has your back in enforcing the ban from his parents visiting. That helps a lot.

[@mrs.nyneaderthal640]

I have no contact with my MIL as well. My husband has been 100% supportive and sees his mother on a very limited basis. So far she behaves herself when he visits, but he will not hesitate ending the visit should she try to disparage me. This will be my 2nd peaceful Christmas without her drama. Best of luck to you!

[@TC-gx3qn]

@@mrs.nyneaderthal640 You are blessed to have a wonderful, supportive husband. 😊

[@darlenerego4891]

You're absolutely right. Obligation isn't a good reason to do anything! It's true too that obligation with dread is awful. I've been there and done that too often!

[@maryroot2599]

I was so relieved when my mom died

[@surlif]

Yes, dread is the right word. And I felt obligated. I dreaded when he would come home. But what was "being in love" about? From where did those feelings come? Why did I have those feelings toward a narcissist in the beginning of our relationship? I don't remember him love bombing. That came later when I would try to leave after we were married. Strange. "Falling in love" seems like a mean trick.

[@lovestolaugh]

Mine love bombed me but the real hook was he made me believe that he was a strong Christian like I am. And he pretended to be everything I wanted in a man. Then we got married and his game changed. He was mean and ignored me a lot. I always felt dread when I had to go home after work. I lost my appetite and wasn't sleeping well. Its mind boggling how they fool everyone into falling for them.

[@surlif]

@@lovestolaugh It is mind boggling!! Thanks for sharing with me. The part of making me believe he was a strong Christian happened to me also. I was in for a big shock!!

[@chayo4537]

@@lovestolaugh did they really fool you into falling for them? How do you do that?

[@eleonorabartoli2225]

You describe it perfectly.

[@lovestolaugh]

@@chayo4537 yes he did fool me. He acted like someone amazing. He was attentive, caring, thoughtful. He bought me "The Perfect Woman" gummy vitamins, brought me coffee in bed, cooked for me....but the second he moved in, that all stopped. He became a completely different person. Cold and indifferent to my feelings, would NEVER apologize for doing something hurtful, shifted any conversation where I had a concern to it somehow being my fault. He brought 2 dogs into the relationship and they weren't allowed in my trailer property, so you'd think he'd keep them inside till we were able to move. NO. He'd let them out and they'd be barking and running around. When someone saw them, and asked the landlord, we were contacted. Somehow it was MY fault. How in the effing world would it be MY fault!? Our whole relationship was like this but only AFTER the wedding when he moved in. And he'd ignore me when I spoke to him. I'd ask him a question or say good morning and he'd completely ignore me. It was infuriating. I told him that if he continued to ignore me, no matter what his lame excuse was, our relationship wouldn't go well. He continued to ignore me. I'm sure it was because he knew it would upset me and he loved tormenting me. He is a cruel person.

[@maxwell-cole]

Be you. Trust your instincts. Be a person of peace.

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

Toward the end my ex became so unpredictable and bullying i did used to dread her calling. It could be anytime and she might need money or need a lift somewhere or need some shopping. If I tried saying no, she'd threaten to never speak to me again, which is what she's doing now anyway!!!

[@lastthingsministry]

It isn't really a threat when all we want is for them to disappear from our lives. They always overplay their hands and it is awful to say but they are such insufferable people that they can actually push us to where we hate the very sight of them. It's wrong to hate people I know this but they are impossible people to be around. They suck the life out of you.

[@tbunnyshy1]

I am obligated to go to a “family” Christmas Eve dinner at a restaurant. My son will be working. He just got his private pilot’s license and they look like they are mourning. It is nonsensical to celebrate something holy with people of no faith that want to hurt people. I am ready for this livestream. 💯

[@lifewithapurpose237]

well said *"it's nonsensical to celebrate something Holy with people of no faith..."*

[@rozdoyle8872]

Don't go , let them like it or lump it , if you became very ill and one of those people could take and bear your illness for you , would any of them feel obliged to volunteer??? Think about that for a while and start the process of letting go of the connection , I just went to visit a 75 year old kind lady in hospital , she spent her whole life feeling obliged to do what the Family expected , now she is paralised by a stroke and screaming Rage at all of them standing around her bed talking about her in Past tense. Run while you can.

[@Questioner365]

My problem is the same but from the mirror image. After discovering unaccountable Narcissists run the religion I left, and more like it, most others who leave it, or other religions like it, become even worse (more selfrighteous than before) with their new Faith in "science," politics, Tech... run by "The most Holey Orthodox Atheiocracy" they now must have faith in, obey, not question nor examine, or be cancelled. Too many jump from frying pan to fire that is worse, just going by a better name. Many can't see that they have switched but are still chanting the same old "Obey, have Faith, don't question, Denier!" but stronger than before. Their same old, old comfortable red flags transfer to the new boundaryless Blind Faith narratives perfectly. Isn't that what the wisdom version of Jesus warned of and bashed on in many so ways? We have been asked to Not attend gatherings including two funerals resulting from their new Holey Eucharist which my wife and I refuse to partake of in blind faith, "into the ditch." Yet they claim YOU are the ones who lack boundaries for not obeying their BS commandments beyond questioning, discussing, comparing or examination and documentation in the light of day. Hmmm. Not hard to smell narcissism, and flying monkeys. Boundaryless Projection and Inversions are central to Leader-Narcissists and their now ever grand flock of flying monkeys who can't see themselves in the mirror either. "Critical Thinking," documentation and "Fact Checking" are now heresy under their old definitions, now defined as "Obey, don't question, Deniers!" "We have always been at war with East Asia!" - 1984

[@maytruthprevail4668]

@@rozdoyle8872 I just hope her good deeds come back to help her out of this situation and she is healed. Her family sure sound a rotten lot.

[@rozdoyle8872]

@@maytruthprevail4668 It is too late for her , and the family she married into 50 years ago have watched her hard work and ingenuity all those years while waiting to get her 2 houses and now that is what is happening in that her husband's niece has total control, she had no children and her own family didn't think she married the right calibre, but her own people had taken advantage of her kind heart to begin with , frying pan into the fire stuff. She was the nicest neighbour I ever had. She is not well enough to turn the tide now .

[@lisaroy551]

Good timing for me on this one. The feeling of dread, discomfort and wishing not to have to make the phone call - only to engage in stilted conversation usually full of barbed comments; which was a common heaviness until the last big rage from my N. Something just changed in my soul as I listened and made initial efforts to appease.....but I finally just gave myself permission to be set free of the dread. I have had a sense of peace ever since. Of course there has been no contact; but that is a pattern I am accustomed to. However, in past I have always done the obligatory reach-outs to regain contact. Not now; and I am delivered of the guilt and have a sense of personal peace. It does mean sacrificing the other relationships that are part of the N's family circle, and I am sad about it but not sad enough to stay in that cycle of dread. Thanks Dr. C

[@melissadeloach8503]

This is me! Good to know that sense of dread is not weird. The older I get, the more debilitating it becomes. Especially at the holidays. If I could stay home alone, I would. But that would mean cutting off other people I care about. I'll work on focusing on the positive ✌

[@reikirainbowhandspawsmore7103]

Gone no contact this year, just processing the grief for extended family I feel I can't go to without getting questions, as it's my folks I'm cutting contact with. Obligation and dread are gone but fighting programmed guilt that's replaced it. The feeling of isolation is not unwelcome nowadays. 💜☮️💜 Someone has to call time on the toxicity. Strength and respect to whatever path other beings choose 💜☮️💜

[@lindawinters363]

OMG…this video came just when I needed it! My husband and I have been caregiving (the obligation) for my N MIL for 2 years now, in shifts with my 2 SILs. I reached a point where I didn’t want to be exposed to any more toxic verbal abuse (the dread). You put into words what I’ve been struggling with…wanting to help, but needing to back off, compassionately standing up to the family, listening to my intuition and setting boundaries. I love the way you always end your videos with hope and peace. Thank you so very much!

[@izawaniek2568]

We must trust our intuition and listen to our dread, we Absolutely have to take good care of ourselves and we must not force ourselves to do the things which are threatening to our mental well-being. We need to tell the truth to ourselves. Thank you dr Carter. I really needed to hear This message today.

[@Nicole_elizabeth1561]

The dread is real. I'm thankful to be no contact now and free to enjoy my holidays.

[@maytruthprevail4668]

I am in a situation where I am obliged to a highly toxic older sibling whose toxic nature has managed to divide and rule the family for more than five and a half decades.

[@lastthingsministry]

Sounds a lot like my family. Just limit the contact and conversation to really superficial chit chat as though it was just a neighbour you were talking to. You can either do this or be your real self and hope this changes them. I would limit how much time, emotion and detail you put into such inevitably hurtful relationships. I have had to grieve my living sister as we are so estranged but she says that we are really close. She does the usual stuff of stonewalling, revenge, denial , future faking, gaslighting etc. I have had to grieve the sister I thought she was and now I try to limit the time we spend together as I have to be under her thumb as if I talk to her as an equal, that triggers her. She sees me as a subordinate and if I move from that position then she can turn nasty. It is awful to be fearful of a sibling and dread seeing them. I only do this for my mum's sake. When my mum isn't here anymore I will probably just drop the rope and move on. It is barely a relationship now and it kills me to act like a person I am not. This is no way to live at all.

[@maytruthprevail4668]

@@lastthingsministry Thanks for the advise, and thoughtful inputs. The oldest sibling is no longer in this realm, but her progeny a middle aged woman is out for my jugular, full of evil intent and a borderline. I ignore the woman and things will hopefully stay that way as I find it very tedious to keep watching my back with treacherous people. As the whole family of origin is narcissistic and there are two younger siblings who were well trained in bullying the scapegoat (me), I have to tread warily. Thankfully, both do not live in the same country as I do, so I ignore their calls and block them if they send text messages. My mother was also scapegoated and was a very kind, patient individual who never was deceitful or wily, she has passed on. There is so much material on KZbin so when I feel at a disadvantage with these awful individuals I browse through good videos on how to deal with some new trick that comes out of the narcissist's well honed tool-kit, and I usually get some splendid insights. I also tend to laugh at them especially when I go through material put out by Dr. Les Carter. His twinkling eyes, broad smile, and upbeat manner in helping us deal with these insidious individuals never fails to bring a smile to my face. Take care and stay strong.

[@ZarpeParadise]

Most EXCELLENT! I don't often question why I dread things, that's priceless. And to fall short of expectations to lessen my dread, that's life changing. Than you Dr. Carter!!

[@clipticshotburaktheone4]

The dread you described here is exactly how I feel

[@sage9836]

One of many wow quotes: "Am I going to expose myself to psychological toxins . . . or worse?"

[@marthaclair3504]

Gus has no obligation or dread....I so want to be like Gus! My little hero 🥰

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks...Gus and I just got in from his evening walk, which means he needs to get back to the couch and catch up his sleep.

[@marthaclair3504]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Sound sleep means sound mind and body. No wonder he's so smart 😀

[@RepentTimeIsAtHand]

Wonderfully done Dr.C! Grateful! On target! More on this teaching please! Obilgation to my grandchild. On my knees before the God of my salvation for my own adult child...my grandchild's parent. Wisdom and discernment key here. I remind myself the narcissist choses to serve evil. We are under attack by them. Yes righteous anger at how my adult child does the very best to harm the mind, body and soul of my grandchild. Not concerned about me, my strength cometh from the Lord. I will stay in this as ling as I am called to and educate my grandchild in precisely the things you have taught those of us here are learning as I see my grandchild is confused by my adult childs behavior. Mind games with children. They will answer to God Almighty sooner or later. I pray sooner as this is not easy to endure. May God cancel the plans of the enemy.

[@realliving7340]

I could have written your comment! I too am obligated to help my grandbaby. May God continue to give us discernment, courage, power & peace❤

[@joshua255860]

Yes, Dr. C, this is a hard one. With no other family living in the state that me and my elderly narc. Mother reside. I have told my family that I am no longer going to be attending holiday functions with my Mother. After decades of having to jump hoops just to fill her dance card, and she is not a Mother, friend, or caring person I would want to keep having to live my life around with my husband. I don't know how my out of state siblings will ultimately adjust to thieps cange in me, but I don't feel that they will understand fully. It is not easy to do this, but my peace and mental health is more important to me now, because I too am older, and can no longer keep up with her "you owe me tactics". I did not do Thanksgiving with her, and she pivoted and got one of my cousins to take her out to dinner. She will continue to use this cousin to fufill her obsession so she will not be alone and she absolutely needs to keep up the false front. This has been painful for me, like nothing else I have ever had to do.

[@lastthingsministry]

False fronts are all that narcissists have. They don't have truth, authenticity or reality on their side. Their whole life is a lie and they force us to be props and accessories to the sham that is their life. We just can't stomach the deception forever as we become accomplices to their theatre. The sad thing is that if we tell the truth about what is happening then either 1) no one will believe us 2) we fear losing everything through the smear campaign. They successfully turn people's lives into a living hell.

[@s.s.8029]

I am struggling with this as my toxic mil prepares to travel across the country for the next 6 months. Last year at this time, my fil passed away (my in-laws are divorced but had a strange relationship after they parted ways). I only atteneded the funeral to support my husband and my own sons. My h is enmeshed with is family and his mom and sisters have been a consistent source of conflict for our relationships since before we got married (been together for 26 years, married for 23 of those). There has been no attempt at reconcialiation on their part, even though I am more than willing, but due to the continued expectations of my h, myself, and even my sons, it is just not possible. My sons are not super close with this side of the family, despite our propetrty sharing borders with both parents. I recently sent my mil a thank you text for a birthday gift, and told her I hope she had a good time visiting with my sil for the next 6 months. I feel that this fills my obligation to her at this time. Maybe in time, I can be with her in person, but right now I cannot. I was recently shopping with my h and saw two of his family members and neither one acknowledged me by name, only him. I am okay with that because it shows that they are only interested in him. I am glad that they have clearly shown me who they are and that I only mattered when they needed something with me. Right now, I will keep my distance. In time, if any change takes place, I may consider other options, but minimal contact is what it will be until then.

[@countrystud1986]

So, SO true. Obligation and dread was commonplace for several years more than I should've put up with. No joy or enthusiasm also, this video really spoke to me. thanks Dr. C for validating the feelings I'd had. I've felt so much better since going no contact.

[@davidhinkson8856]

This sums up my entire marriage experience! Been out for a year now but she still tries to use our child as an excuse for her nasty behaviour.

[@lindsayp9691]

I can literally type in what my Narc Mother says on any given day and there’s a specific video for every situation. God bless you .

[@rosieE121]

Must set boundaries somewhere in this even at work. If boss asked me to do something illegal or harmful I would refuse. They do that so you will take the blame instead. Very cowardly.

[@rosieE121]

Unions are good to have though can't necessarily help defend against the bullies.

[@jeankipper6954]

I stayed with him because, I thought, of my vows, the vows of marriage. But after 18 years, I could no longer give everything, and get nothing back, no kindness, no respect, only endless criticism and pressure. So natural, because both folks were narcs too. I went to exhaustion, and beyond. And then I failed, failed the vows,failed him, failed all the expectations and demands. Failed him, them, and made the ultimatum: no more. At which point he committed suicide. Two days after Christmas, to help ensure maximum pain. Sure wish I'd had Dr. C's information at that point. Or before.

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

I love reciprocity when fitting. Some can't and I have compassion and I am deserving not obligated. I give in joy and love and hopefully share peace. I hear the dread and feel shame and I can't control some things.

[@dinky-diridgy-didge636]

Spot on, I'm dealing with a mad woman. Who's very difficult I wake up every day hoping they just don't talk to me at all. I'm up at 5am every day so I can enjoy a bit a peace and quiet and get a few things done for myself and get my head around ok how am I going to navigate whatever is thrown my way today. Tell myself above all stay calm!! I think with the help of your videos it's keeping me sane. Thank you !!! This morning I've got the bright idea 🤣 if a list of important things for myself and my son that needs priority over any dramas or attention seeking behaviours that are going to come my way from that very annoying individual. Trying a bit of time management today. To emotionally detach from the constant bs, I'm thinking of myself as a health/ mental health carer that's visiting to do what's necessary today and not take on board anything personally. See if that works for me today. 👍 Something funny which I've found a life saver from the bs for me is headphones favourite tunes and bopping around doing my chores ECT. Half the time when they are coming at me I'm singing of bopping about oblivious to thier S-+t 🤣🤣

[@davidbulger3716]

I had to miss the live show. Every holiday season I participate in so many things I don’t want to do. I have been with this person for five years married for one and I feel I need to end this relationship. Zero free choice is correct. I don’t feel like a husband I feel like a personal assistant. I’m really torn up about this and I feel I will have to make a move this coming spring. The worst part is everyone will say what a nice girl why would you leave her. They don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I feel like an emotionally battered husband. Thank you for all your help.

[@tyunkankuru]

Oh my goodness! It was so useful that it broke an invisible handcuff and chain inside me. It is precisely the sense of obligation and dread which holds me captive. I am very grateful for these insights, thank you very much, Dr Carter.

[@sharonjones5173]

The dread comes from being forced to be around them at holidays, when of course they will do their best to get an argument started or pout when they are not the center of attention every moment.

[@hopeinhumanity.]

One of the distinguishing features that have enabled me to understand better what type of person I’m dealing with (personality disorder vs unhealthy person) is in the feeling of dread. There have only been a few in my life that I’ve experienced this with. Thanks Dr.C!

[@lastthingsministry]

Sadly I have experienced it a lot as I have had too many narcissistic people around me. As long as you have something to lose that they have control over, then you are vulnerable to them. Everything has strings attached. No such this as unconditional love to them. It is all transactional..I have managed to weed them all out and I only have one parent and one sibling to cope with now and have cut all the other ones out. If a new narcissist comes along then I say no to them quickly so they get triggered and then you know for sure and you don't proceed with them. Another sure sign is intense interest and then distancing. .them acting like close family and then them pulling away. They do this in the hope it traumatises you. I just let them pull away and I don't follow. This confuses them as they think you need them. You don't. The only way to sus them out early is to keep things casual and cool and take your time knowing people. Take a very long time until you are sure. Narcissists usually get angry when things don't go fast enough and drop you for another 'mark'. The trick is to spot the lovebomb. Once you see this coming you don't walk, you run.

[@demondogmom7221]

I went to a therapist while I was married to the narc because I (7 years younger than him) felt "guilty" that if I left him he couldn't take care of himself. I knew it wasn't logical of me, but it was what was keeping me in the marriage. Bless the therapist, she listened. Then said, "Emotions aren't always logical. You know this "guilt" is irrational. You need to look at it and name it as irrational. Then move on from it." It made perfect sense to me. It took me another 6 months to leave, and a couple years of living separately, but I did divorce him.

[@Jennifer-dw8hl]

When the abusive person is a parent, woof. I appreciate your videos.

[@lastthingsministry]

I have this with a sibling. The Monday night phonecall. Its always Mondays as it is convenient for her. It is an obligation and something I dread every week. I dread it because we are so estranged, there is nothing to say anymore. I have to play house for a phonecall. I have to have abuse amnesia for that phone call, ignore the mind games and silent treatments I have had from her. Tried to send normal messages people send to their siblings in the week and they are blanked and ignored and I only get breadcrumbs on Mondays as that is the day we speak. When you have spent years trying to have a relationship with someone and you only ever get crumbs and false promises and are called names when you hold them accountable.. it is so devastating. So painful to have a relationship with a sibling that is more shallow than with a neighbour. I have tried to give that sibling role to friends but they turned out to be narcissistic as well. It is that infamous push pull dynamic, the hot cold dynamic that is emotionally exhausting. I had to back off so it wouldnt kill me but then was accused of being 'too cold'. These people can destroy a person and they dont care.

[@SlobArt]

Im in the same boat. I just started saying “NO” to everything with no excuse. Just said “no thank you”. Want to meet to take a walk…..No, TY. Want to go for a ride……No, TY. You get it. I don’t know how old you are but I’m beyond mid life. I’m much happier now not “taking that phone call”. Good luck!

[@MaryPothoven]

As I listened to another great video with Dr. C, I kept saying, "check " "yes," and "all of the above." The description of that feeling of dread was exactly like I have experienced it so many times before, 24 years dealing with my mother-in-law. We went no-contact three years ago. We have so much peace around the holidays now! The fallout has been pretty bad though. This woman works on her image and has a crew of flying monkeys, including two of our daughters... Our son despises the whole lot of them. He could give them a real tongue lashing at any point... he is a State Attorney, lol! But he knows better. He knows they will just target him and work on ruining his reputation. These narcissistic people are relentless. It's not a good idea to underestimate them. We have been deeply hurt by them.

[@thinkingoutloud7425]

Yes, the way they drag everyone into the fight against you, before you know it's going, on because you're already in survival mode, picking up the pieces of lives they have already damaged....

[@dm3144]

Good morning Dr. C, as I listen to more and more videos I realize how much I did NOT 😢 know! And how much I’m learning now, it blows my mind. I can’t believe I lived in a world with such cunning, baffling and powerful forces against me emotionally and psychologically! This did turn into physical effects as well…😮 caused by the narcissists ! abuse!!! Thank you so much for your videos🎉 I became all of the things you said we might… (I hope that makes sense) Obliged and dread my whole life! What a waste of time, now that I think of all the manipulation I lived through, blinded by I don’t know what! I dreaded life as early as a young child. 😢” I didn’t hear (listen) to the call of dread and obligation in my own mind with severe repercussions for 40+ years.🤯” I’m trying to survive but it’s really hard. 🦋SURVIVOR🦋

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning, D M!! Glad to be on the path with you!

[@GPDuchess]

Obligation to look after my aging parents; I'll lose not only inheritance but my relationship with the rest of the family; so be it; they can afford nurses or whatever; I just can't do it

[@Judygurl2]

Thank you Dr. C, as always.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are very welcome

[@sl6066]

My husband and I are often "asked" by his narcissistic daughter to come (many hundred miles) to help look after our grandchildren. Our relationship with her is not good and due to distance and Covid we haven't seen her or the grandchildren for several years. Our last trip to help out ended badly so we dread trying again, but we miss our grandchildren terribly. We also both have some health issues - my husband suffers from depression - so we feel we need to protect ourselves from stress. It's an emotional tug of war.

[@sherylo994]

Ok, I have to tell this story I hope to get input if I can, I felt obligated to move in with my 80 yr old NPD mom , my dad died a few months ago, but (I need help financially too) I found out the owner of this property is in hospice, and if he dies we have to move, he has no heirs, my mother worries non-stop about this, and her plan is to ask some friends of ours to move in with them. She figures the wife has cancer and we could help the husband take care of his wife, and we could help with house payments. To me it seems like my mother is being like a vulture just hoping the wife gets more Ill so we have a place to stay, my mom even mentioned to me, that she doesn't want to talk to them just yet, because it would seem like we are POUNCING on them, yep she said that, so my mom whom has Demetia and is bi-polar and has NPD, will want to take care of a cancer patient, she figures I would be ok with this, because I took care of my husband who died of brain cancer in 2019...sorry for the wall of text I just needed to vent, narcs are like this always thinking of themselves, do I feel dread YES i FEEL DREAD ..LOVE YOU GUYS

[@lisaroy551]

This sounds like a sad and bad plan with 3 victims....NPDs are manipulators and lack empathy. Your friends will lose the peace in their own home, and you will largely do all the care-giving, serving, supply - which will rob you of peace and make you resentful and possible sick. Surely your mom and you have enough ss to get an affordable place and pare down to a simple life. Avail yourself of the local food services and gov't programs and just spend YOUR time in this forum gaining the understanding that helps us to not react to the selfish behaviors of the NPD. My strength comes from my faith, in a Creator Who has a marvelous plan for my life, and for yours. Besides being here for healing there are multitudes of wonderful Christian online resources to build your heavenly eyes; and that can lessen the worldly pain.

[@sherylo994]

@@lisaroy551 You have great points, I didnt mention it but, we are all members of the same church SMH,I will forewarn them

[@keyanniemcsnow5448]

Yes, find your own place where you will have peace and a clear conscience 🕊🏡

[@ardisdurbin4702]

You don't know how much your affirmation of my emotions means. Thank you for all you do

[@delisabuckingham-taylor9801]

Thank you for reminding us to listen to and honor the dread! I needed to hear this today.

[@kimdewitt4690]

This topic is the hardest aspect. Glad you address it and share your professional advice.

[@iononcantomascrivo]

Dread. Boy, do I know that feeling all too well. I had a friend who was so negative, she could drain the life out of any room she entered. Literally any social interaction would turn into a complaining session as she redirected the conversation in to an airing out of her personal grievances. This woman would literally complain about anything just to hear the sound of her own voice. Her topics of frustration included: her children, her husband, her financial issues, her overall unhappiness with the laughable existence she referred to as a life or any combination thereof. It was so draining having contact with her. I'll refer to her as “Molly.” I saw the warning signs early on even when she tried claimed that the people who had problems with her it was all a case of “misunderstanding” or people “not getting where she was coming from.” I should have trusted my gut instinct because I had a very uneasy feeling even in the beginning. Instead, I made the mistake of asking why she was always at the center of conflict and that everyone else around her can't be that dumb that they can't see the forest for the trees, essentially. Boy oh boy, did that lead to a blowout fight. Everything you covered from only being friendly when she was grooming someone who had a resource she wanted to exploit, always believed she was entitled to be the center of attention and had to be in charge even if she didn't know what the heck she was doing (which was quite often), playing games with the truth or telling half truth or flat out lies, to minimizing her faults and metastasizing her positives (which were very few), slandering and libeling me behind my back to her flying monkeys (all of whom later on abandoned her) and anyone who would listen, total willingness to smack talk people to me airing out all of their dirty laundry which I later learned she was doing the same thing behind my back, having circular conversations in which she always tried to shift the focus back to her or turning back at me if I tried to hold her accountable for her atrocious behavior. This comes back to the whole telling half truths and absolute lies part. Molly even lied about having been abused by her older brother when she was a little girl, that her stepmom had beaten her and broken her jaw, that her one-time boyfriend that she had after her first marriage crumbled had abused and kicked her out miles away from family with nowhere to go and that she had had cancer. All of it was a lie. It was confirmed by one of her older sisters who I wrote on social media who said and I quote: “She's been a liar since she could talk!” completely incapable of discussing conflict like a rational adult (she was in her 40s when I met her and in her early '50s when I cut contact), I felt more like I was dealing with up temperamental adolescent middle school student, prone to temper tantrums and irrational rage whenever she didn't get her way. And as far as grooming someone to take my place, she did. She pitted me against a very dear friend of mine and did projection. It succeeded and we didn't talk for a long while. We reconnected a few years ago and I was fortunately able to wake him up to what a toxic waste of space Molly is. He has also since gone no contact. Before doing so, he gave me an update on the dumpster fire that is Molly's life: her severely neglected son and daughter are now grown and have little if anything to do with her. Her daughter is a divorced single mother (I'll let you guess who contributed to Molly's daughter's marriage failing), her son got kicked out of the Navy for attacking a girl and saved himself from being court-martialed by faking a suicide attempt, Molly's marriage is on the rocks and she is now the around the clock caregiver for her husband's spiteful elderly mother-in-law. To say there is no love lost between these two women would be a gross understatement. Mother-in-law hates Molly's guts. It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that Molly baby trapped mother-in-law's son into marriage by claiming she was infertile or that Molly turned mother-in-law's grandson into a spoiled, entitled overgrown manchild completely incapable of functioning in the real world. Could it?

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

Although I've been separated from my narcissitic husband for nine years, I'm obligated to go down to the home we used to share at Christmas and Easter, but I dread having having to stay down there, because of the memories of the past traumas. The house is 100 kilometres away from where I live, but I go down to see my family; It's always an anxious time, but if I didn't go, I'd be spending Christmas alone.

[@hawthorne9533]

We often equate being alone with loneliness but that's not necessarily true. A Christmas spent peacefully in our own company, with the freedom to listen to music of our choice, to be able to prepare and eat a delicious meal exactly as we like it , to watch fun movies or even to start our own new tradition (eg volunteering at a shelter to help serve food) - that can be a precious experience. Now compare this with a day spent in a place that reawakens past trauma, opens old wounds, perhaps even causes new emotional pain...

[@houseplantnerd2872]

Ive started in person therapy. Admittedly too late. I find I'm constantly referencing you. I've found through talking to a therapist, that you've brought me so far. Happy holidays Dr. Carter to you and yours. Hugs!!!! And thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Best wishes with the therapy, and I'm glad the videos have spurred meaningful discussions in the therapy office!

[@wazzup3270]

I was diagnosed with PTSD, and some others say that's thing but in your mind, and it takes you to realize that you can control that yourself; But must of the time it was them that made me feel the way that I feel 🙄🤫🤪👋🏼 Thank you 😊 Dr. C🥰😇

[@christine9467]

Spot on. This is exactly what I had to do regarding a friend within a group of friends. The dread and obligation was getting to me so I pulled away from those activities and decided to engage w her through fitness activities, which we both enjoy. It might not work out though as I can tell she’s upset that I pulled away from the other stuff. Oh well. I tried.

[@BLS1976PACHAPTER]

My wife has turned into a narcissist. She does no wrong and is allowed to act out without any repercussions. Everything she does is for her own good. Always attacks rather than conversate and never forgets the past

[@tracigodfrey4965]

Going through a divorce with a Narcissist is dread on a daily basis. It's stressful, unpredictable, and expensive. ANY hints on how to quell the daily dread on this level?

[@aaronkwolfe]

A) You are NOT alone. B) Self-care is fundamental. Find/do the little things that bring happiness/joy. Do them. C) Explore faith, if you can/will. Pray. D) Focus on the stable things that remain. E) Keep talking/listening. This is not a time to isolate. F) Find ways to help people who cannot help you in return. Even holding open a door can help. G) Research anything that interests you. Sometimes, distractions can really help.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Just remember. It's not easy but it's worth it. Like life really 💐

[@tracigodfrey4965]

@@aaronkwolfe Wow, Aaron! Thank you SO MUCH

[@nancyludlum2646]

@@aaronkwolfe Nice list, Aaron!

[@nancyludlum2646]

Hang in there and pray for the Lord's peace

[@tistheseasonforpoetrybyvan239]

Can you address caring for an elderly Narcissist (with or without Dementia, which mimics the person's lifelong Narcissism)?