Attraction as a spectrum? Re-defining my sexuality In Light Of My Partner Coming Out As FTM

In this vlog I discuss how I am continuing to make sense of my sexual identity in light of my partner Drew coming out as FTM transgender. Until now I would have defined myself as a straight heterosexual man with a queer history. However, this is clearly not the whole truth of my sexuality as I find I am still able to love and be in relationship with Drew. This has given me a lot to reflect upon, especially when asked what label I might use to explain my sexuality. The trouble is none of the labels fit, Im not gay, nor pansexual, nor bisexual, so I'm busting out of the box and making my own!
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[@googles1515]

People like yourself who share their story so honestly are teaching people like me who are still somewhat unsure what being transgender entails. You're answering questions I have but don't want to ask in case I offend or is misunderstood. Thanks for sharing!!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much! I am always open to any questions as long as they are asked considerately :)

[@mateo5122]

Thaaaaaaaaank you so much for sharing this!!!!! My spouse and I are both transitioning as well and he is 6 months on T and I am at 4 months and I'm feeling exactly like you and you express it so beautifully....even down to trying to make sense of stuff and being attracted to masculine women....Big hugs my brother!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

As thats so good to hear, and fantastic to hear from another transitioning duo! It helps to know that my making sense of it is common to other people too. How are you managing to get your brains around it? Big hugs back!

[@TheCbear11]

I love to hear you try and break this apart. It's very interesting. I have always said my primary attractions are to women but that I would never rule out having the same with a man, it would just be a rare case I think, ( an exception to the rule) for me personally. Great stuff! Thanks for sharing as always!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

It is facinating isnt it, I am really enjoying mulling it all through and coming to new understandings about myself and about sexuality and attraction myself. I think Drew is my exception to the rule! thanks my friend :)

[@JosephRosalie]

I've also found that differentiating between sexual and romantic orientation has been really helpful in making sense of my own overall 'attraction' orientation - I recognize that I'm sexually attracted to both men and women, but I've never felt like calling myself 'bi' was really accurate or honest because I can't fathom ever falling in love with a man. I realize now that most likely I am bisexual but heteroromantic, and as the romantic aspect is so much more 'what makes me tick' (to borrow your phrasing), calling myself bisexual would be kind of misleading because people typically clump together romantic and sexual orientation, and also frankly irrelevant because I'm happily settled with a woman and intend to remain so. But just understanding the different facets of my attraction in that way has been helpful for me because it was confusing to know that I was both straight and sexually attracted to men sometimes, similarly to how you're straight but romantically attracted to men sometimes!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you for your wonderful comments! That is exactly it! I to am much more motivated in my romantic and emotional connections than I am my sexual ones. It may be sexual attraction that initially "pulls my attention" but it is the romantic and emotional connection that keeps me pulled in. So yes, I am most definately hetrosexual but bi romantic/emotional. My current situation is unique, in terms that i was already in the relationship when my partner "became" male, so in this sense, I think that fact that Im hetrosexual desnt matter, I am already "pulled in" and now that initial sexual attraction has move to my more important emotional attraction, even with him being male it makes no difference. Does that make sense???! Understanding these different facets is both wonderful and confusing!!!

[@Truek397]

I love the idea of space of your pet's cage !

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

They are spoilt! :)

[@pumpkinasstha4th]

This does make sense, I don't know if it applies to me, but I can understand it. It is something I myself am struggling with immensely. I am single so I guess that makes it easier, but after being an out and proud lesbian for the majority of my life I really can't imagine being seen as straight. I feel as if I am still attracted to lesbians/people who understand 'that world'. I am very into my lesbian media/films/youtube/lifestyle etc and its a big part of my life. I don't know where I am going to find someone that relates to that and shares common interests but is also attracted to the male form. It's annoying in this society that we feel the need to label everything, but it is so hard not to. I personally think that attachments to each person we meet are very individual, whether they be a friend who is loved platonically, a romantic interest or just a sexual partner. I feel every interaction is different and within those attachments and interactions they can have there own labels (if that makes sense). We love who we love and we are attracted to what we are attracted to. We can't change it, we can ignore it, and adapt ourselves to what we think we want but at the end of the day we can't change what our brain thinks in that split second we meet/see someone. It's who we are. I'm sorry I added my own word vomit..

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Never apologise for word vomit! I love it! Its so kind of people like yourself to share your thoughts with me and it helps me to make sense of mine :). What you describe is EXACTLY the issue Drew had when I came out and he was still identifying as female and makes total sense. Our identities are part of our history and we can carry them with us even through gender "change" if they still feel right to us, but they likely wont make sense to anyone else but people like us! You are right though, that actually doesnt matter, society, in being so boxed in by labels actually denies the beautiful complexity of human beings. The wonderful thing about being "different" is that we can create ourselves however we wish, though the downside of course is that we wont be understood by everyone. However, I would rather be real than understood! Thank you for your comments my friend :)

[@keloreilly7017]

Imagine if we lived in a World where no one had to make a declaration about their gender/sexual identity. Spirits would just travel through Life feeling and loving other Spirits..no matter what they looked like on the outside. I know, I'm not speaking about our reality but...just Imagine. Thanks for your sharing your fantastic journey with Us, Finn.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thats a future that I really hope manifests one day! My journey is helping me to begin to live that way, but its very hard when we are so conditioned, I feel like I am trying to break through a mirror, into a new way of seeing but other peoples mirrors keep stopping me from seeing freely! Thank you for your comments my friend!

[@SikanderG]

The fact that you're with Drew doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you're in a gay relationship, which non-gay people can be too. You can be someone who is attracted to cis women generally, but to one trans man who you were once in a lesbian relationship with. Don't worry so much about labels: as long as you can accurately describe your sexuality, the fact that there isn't a single word for it shouldn't matter.

[@keirtaylor4669]

Hi Finn it's Keir from late bloomers club! This whole sexuality thing has me very confused at times too. I think of myself as straight and then find myself thinking eg mmm Peter Capaldi yes I so would and it shocks me! All the best to you. Keir

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Haha! Yes, it seems that being part of the late bloomers club entails learning a lot about yourself that surprises you! All the best to you too my friend!

[@deanoctober3377]

I totally understand the struggle. lol I've always considered myself bisexual but when I realized I was a man I became confused. I thought the attraction I felt for men was a "false attraction". And for the most part it was. Most men I thought I was attracted to it turns out that I just envied them. So that made me all sorts of confused. I'm pretty sure I'm still bisexual but the percentage of men I'm attracted to is much smaller. And I'm pretty sure I can identify the ones I'm sexually attracted to and the ones that I just envy. As far as romantic and emotional attraction goes... I've still got some work to do on figuring that stuff out. Thinking about this stuff gives me a headache. Man this shit is complicated. XD

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Haha! isnt it just! The world has got so much bigger since I realised I was trans! Gender and sexuality are not as black and white as we were taught, thank god!!! And YES thats EXACTLY my thoughts regarding my past relationships with me, that I envied them, or was attracted to them because I saw myself in them, thinking I got attraction confused with admiration although that just seemed crazy that I could have been so blind because I had been out with many men, not just a couple! It also felt wrong as it rubbished so many relationships in which I felt what I thought was love, could I have been so blind to the actual truth?? But...now in light of my new findings, I think I WAS genuinely attracted to men on some levels, just in a very asexual way. There was one particular man that if he had agreed to never ask me for sex again, i would have married him, I loved him with all my heart. It seems I have elements of bisexuality but mostly in my emotional and romantic feelings, with my primary sexual attraction remaining fixed on women, so biromantic/biemotional but hetrosexual. I am still working out exactly what this means in terms of Drew and I, and whether once he has a male body my sexual attraction for him might stop, we will have to cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, this new information has helped me to understand myself deeper and to recognise that my sexuality is more fluid than I had thought, which explains at least for now why my feeling for Drew have remained the same. Thanks for adding your thoughts my friend. Sorry for the headache!!!

[@keirtaylor4669]

Hi Finn certainly does doesn't it! Then another addition to my collection appears from nowhere yesterday - Anthony Head! What is going on?! All the very best my friend. Keir

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

haha! I love him!!!! All the best to you too my fellow beautifully complicated friend!

[@thinker630]

I'm a big fan of the very general and broad term "queer" for my sexual orientation (and gender orientation, too). Am I gay? Nope. Am I straight? Nope. Queer works great, though! Take care, dear you!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Yes, I am feeling more and more affinity with that term and it does describe me much better. Thanks my friend!

[@sailornaruto39]

thinker630 When you say "queer" what does that specifically mean when you use it to describe you?

[@thinker630]

sailornaruto39 It means I relate sexually to other human beings in a way that's more complicated than "straight" or "gay." I'm sometimes (but not always) attracted to cis-men and -women, transfolks, genderqueer people, genderfluid people, agender people, butches, people who identify their gender as "monster", etc. And "queer" also means that the specific ways we have sex (ie. who "tops," and the specific types of sexual activities we do) varies and gets negotiated from person to person, and date to date.

[@sailornaruto39]

thinker630 intersting thanks for sharing. How does that vary from pan?

[@thinker630]

sailornaruto39 I use "pansexual" sometimes as well, but I prefer "queer" because it feels even broader to me.

[@boggerme3254]

I understand that and I am truly happy for you because you have some one who understands what you are doing for you and I am just starting out I get my first shot in a month and she does not want any thing to do with it and I am ok with that I just want her to be happy and so I know I will have to let her go before the end of it all but I was just writing because I understood where you were with that ramble and I al we o wanted to thank you for helping me I am 39and just getting started but happy about it

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

+Bogger Me Im so sorry to hear about your partner my friend. Unfortunately some partners just find it too hard, I dont think that everyones sexuality is fluid and so in some cases our parners just cannot grow with us. You do just have to let her go in order to be able to start the journey you need and I wish you the very best of luck

[@boggerme3254]

ok so I have watched most of all your vblogs but I have got stuck on this one because i understand but wanted to hit you with this thought like my girl has said it not about the body because you can look at any body and it starts things with you or the body but its about the mind you guy is of the mind you fell in love with a person who stimulates your mind and your body at the same time and when you have that and you put your heart on top of it all you seem to lookat yourself and understand the meaning of what true love is or can be but you have to understand what love is to you before you will see or understand where loving someone because they r who you need them to be just as you r who thy need you to be and they are ok with YOU as a person not a gender

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

hey my friend. thanks for your thoughtful comments. yes this is the way I'm understanding it, that although normally I wouldn't find myself physically attracted to men, because Drew and I already have the mind connection and I'm in love with his essence, this means even as a man I am able to both love him and still be attracted to him. at the end of the day it really shouldn't matter why, the fact is that I love him and our relationship is continuing to work and flourish, however, as a student of psychology I cannot help but ponder these questions with myself as the experimental participant!

[@HumanVoiceThe]

Another great video Bro... Though I feel being 'Gay' is not an identity, it is an aspect of your identity. The same way as being straight is part of my identity. The more we try and find terms to explain our sexuality the more we label and box what should be simple.... attraction. I have heard you say Gay, Straight, Bi, hetero, fluid.... I find red heads especially sexy so does that make me gingersexual??? Attraction is simple we should not have to try so hard to explain what, why and how we are sexual. The issue comes from people trying to justify why they are gay, bi or what ever. It does not need justification, some like BMW's other' like Vauxhalls... we all have the right to chose what we like, when we like it and why. It is the select band of idiots that have minds narrower than cotton thread that force people to explain their actions. I say stop feeding their ignorance and just be sexual, do not try to make them understand and find labels to place your self with, they never will understand and that is that aspect of societies loss and yoru gain. Oh and by the way I quite like Audi's ;-)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Haha! yes, I am a gingersexual too :) Cheers bro, I agree with you, in that my sexual identity is only one aspect of my identity, just like my trans identity is just a part of me but not who I am. Group identities are very different to self concept identities, but they do also help to make up our whole sense of our identity..anyway I digress... This isnt about feeding ignorance, its about highlighting just how complex attraction is and that contrary to what most people think, it isnt as black and white as we are told. My exploration and word vomit about my still evolving thoughts, is about me making sense of it for myself, precisely because I don't fit into other peoples boxes, and quite frankly dont want to! Im a thinker, and for me, discovering all this is like discovering a new set of walking boots that are allowing me to delve even deeper into my internal mountain range. So these ramblings are not about working out how I can fit to others defonition, but rather how I can find my own that make sense to me. I will keep you informed on that through more word vomits likely...Im full of them at the moment. Dam Drew giving me new walking boots ;)

[@danielamejia268]

Hey do u have Facebook i want to talk about phalloplasty do u did it yet or not

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi mate, you found my facebook before i found this message from you :) had phalloplasty yet, looking at August now

[@EthanJay1261]

Hey Buddy, I like that you can vomit openly. I have to say that I 'get' the whole...let's not be in a 'sexual' box and all. However, I can't help but think that what we are attracted to is just that...it doesn't change....but that being said let me say this: There are some very unique people who do fall in love with people and not gender...I admire those people highly. Toni and I's relationship was never a 'lesbian' relationship, although I surrounded and accepted myself in that world because of my sexual attraction and biological body. Toni knew right from the start I wasn't a 'typical' female but fell in love with me. I hear a lot of things you are standing for....then some take backs....then some...we'll see. I know Drew has been there for you and you want to be there for him. I wish you two well on this journey...I'm also happy to hear that you both are open to 'if things change', to move forward without a 'sexual' relationship. We know you both love each other, there is no doubt. I just know that, for myself, I'm with Caleb. Toni and I have talked about this too. Just always be true to yourselves in this process and it all will work out....anxiety, frustration, stress and confusion will dominate when one starts to feel trapped, guilty, settling or whatever else........ I so love that you share in the raw because it also is a therapy for us, who think a lot, analyze, process, process and process, lol. Always here for you Buddy

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless you mate, thank you. I do completely agree with you, attraction cannot be forced, it is how it is, we cannot chose. At the moment, the attraction is still there, and seeing with a new perspective I am realising that my attraction is more fluid than I once thought it was, this is what gives me hope that Drew and I will survive, but , until the physical changes happen I cannot be sure. My raw talking it through is me trying to make sure i am being true to myself. I both dont want to shut out the possiblity of being with a man, nor force myself to be...so I have to work through those two extremes to make sure my choice is authentic and for the right reasons. There may be a few more word vomit sessions whilst I work this through! Thank you so much for your kind thoughts my friend