Setting Boundaries in Your Most Difficult Relationships (Part 1) - Lysa TerKeurst

Relationships-with your spouse, with your children, with your friends-are some of the most rewarding connections this side of heaven. But challenges can pop up in any relationship. And those challenges need to be sorted out to maintain peace and harmony.
On this two-day Focus on the Family broadcast, Lysa TerKeurst reflects on the death of her marriage and how she had to place boundaries in her life to protect her own mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. She offers insight, biblical wisdom, and encouragement to those needing to establish boundaries with others. By helping another person understand how to treat you, you can improve the quality and health of your relationship. It’s a powerful conversation you won’t want to miss.
Get Lysa's book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: bit.ly/3hrgEK8
For more resources on this topic: bit.ly/3UD61SS
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[@bethleonard6583]

This is a topic that should be offered as a required course in high school and college. We’d all be happier in life!

[@UpandiTembo]

So very true!

[@dawnmiller8461]

💯

[@lauradyal1347]

Agreed!!!!

[@annatevesbanzon1359]

Agreed

[@athenamclean3107]

@@UpandiTembo 8

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

Boundaries are not to shove others away. They are to hold us together.

[@elsh332]

I feel like a better thing to say is that boundaries help us to coexist ❤

[@bree3]

I've had to set a boundary for sister in law. I get berated even when apologizing sincerely. She doesn't see it this way. And is mad because I've withdrawn myself. I know what I'm feeling. And my husband just says I'm unforgiving.

[@foxkm2002]

Except sometimes isn't distance a necessary boundary.

[@rascallyrabbit]

everyone is broken, some are shattered. either they know they are damaged and are working to course correct, or they are in denial and will bring you down with them.

[@lesahenderson7365]

“Not to enable Bad Behavior!” Brilliant for sure!

[@lesahenderson7365]

@@alexanderbenjamin1522 🤗 Thank you so much! And for you as well 💝

[@She-Ra-db7eg]

I grew up with my mom listening to focus on the family on the radio. I remember it since childhood and here I am now many years later listening as an adult. So grateful for this ministry.

[@christinejohnstone2400]

Same!

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

Driving force of a boundary should always be love not be punishment, control, or manipulation.

[@brendarewan7441]

I wrote this one down.

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

WOW!!! We have to discipline ourselves enough to put the level of access to the level of responsibility that person is demonstrating.

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

What we don’t work out, we will act out.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

I’ve come to learn that we can’t get mad at people for overstepping boundaries if we didn’t put them up or honor them to begin with .

[@judystaton1884]

Thank you for sharing God’s Grace and encouragement with us, 🙏🙏🙏

[@nnylasoR]

I’m experiencing this paradox as we speak. 😖 Boundaries have been tip-toed over… little by little… more and more… leading to them basically being fluid/transparent/nonexistent. (WHOOPS.) I’m wrestling with how to express gratitude for one area whilst (finally) cracking down on the manipulation and passive aggressive overstepping that has been inadvertently allowed to take place in other areas. I don’t *want* to hurt anyone’s feelings or put a match to the bridge between us (partly why it has gone on this long) - but I’m not responsible for how they will react or the decisions they choose to make.

[@miriam9775]

The story of Joseph is a great example for this topic. Joseph set wise boundaries for his brothers before he helped them.

[@lisaelliott3864]

What we don't work out we will act out. Thank you!

[@blessmyheart9388]

Wow that is sooo true!

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

Identify one place in one relationship where there is chaos there is usually a lack of a boundary; not putting a boundary on that person to try to control them, manipulate them, or punish them, you are putting a boundary in place so that you can remain self controlled so you can love others well without losing the best of who you are.

[@kerriestokes2649]

It’s very important to keep in laws “out” of your marriage. A restless, & Meddling spirit can manipulate, & & drive a huge wedge between you & your spouse. Be aware, be alert, & pray together ❤️

[@npaujlis-angel8889]

Amen to that!!

[@epifaniamarasigan617]

..so where do you ask for advise if you have problems which you cannot solve between yourselves? Isn't it with your immediate family? Just asking..

[@littlepixel1650]

No absolutely not family. For advice you have to look at the problem rationally and make choices based upon that not codependency. Often times involving therapy not for the hurt individual but the one doing the damage.

[@kerriestokes2649]

@@littlepixel1650 the in-law causing strife in their son/daughter’s marriage has this great need to “hang on” & carries the spirit of division, and control. It takes a very strong Christian son or daughter, to stand up to their parent, and lay the boundary down with them; in this case, a spouse who is Christian, and allows this meddling to happen in the marriage, is accountable for allowing interference to come into the marriage covenant, & cause destruction. I’m surprised, and frankly disappointed, focus on the family stays away from this one, and so do all pastors. This needs to be preached boldly, & loving in churches today!

[@littlepixel1650]

@@kerriestokes2649 I agree! I have yet to find any church or pastor to speak up about this VERY BIG ISSUE! Almost broke our marriage apart.

[@cindymcdonald1664]

Diane Sasina, I know of what you speak, I stayed 40 years. What made us stay so long? For me it was the childhood abuse and the deep need to be loved. I fought hard for that marriage and the belief I was doing the right thing. My children rebelled when I set new boundaries. I cried rivers of tears when I was shown how little value I had. It’s been 3+ years and I don’t care so much anymore. My children suffered too and my relationship with the Lord is what I was really needing. I wish you healing and strength to get through to a better life.

[@jvukie]

WOW ❤ "if your hysterical it's most likely a historical issue your dealing with" love that !

[@ROMAHAUS]

“Where there’s chaos there’s usually a lack of boundary.” So interesting. I’ve never thought about it that way but it makes so much sense.

[@rhondamoses9084]

Excellent! " we must not confuse, the Healthy command, of love with Enabling" Thanks for exposing and explaining the difference all listeners.

[@daniellesedrak6162]

She is a beautiful person. Such profound strategies full of wisdom & love.

[@shellric4538]

Boundaries, wish I knew how to implement them years ago. Outcomes may have been different. 😥 Still trying to navigate boundaries now with adult children - 🙏

[@heynow2302]

I find this topic to be relative in all relationships between others. Not only in marriage, but in all human connections that a person may have or encounter during life

[@traciebecker6669]

I agree and I wish they would have focused more on various "difficult" relations than just married people.

[@pinkroses135]

🎯 Not tackled by the church enough

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

Expectations are really simmering resentments in disguise

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

Putting external pressure on someone for an internal change. WOW!!!

[@mayahelena4]

“If it’s hysterical it’s historical,” powerful quote share!:)

[@risewithme7]

as someone who has read this book -- i HIGHLY recommend every person to read it. Love Lysa and the powerful way she is able to use her pain to help others.

[@seekinHisupmost]

So important to establish your boundaries from the beginning of a relationship. So that you don’t have unrealistic expectations as a relationship continues.

[@brendarewan7441]

Unrealistic expectations. That’s it!!

[@SusieCaron]

The distinction between 'helping', and 'enabling' is so helpful.

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

Boundaries are for the sake of defining where the freedom is: YOU ARE FREE

[@PRESCRIPTIVELIVINGDIAGNOSEPRES]

To build or to destroy. There are things we all do that attract and repel. Managing our shortcomings is essential for healthy outcomes as well as knowing what can be expected of another based on who they are as an individual. Operating from this awareness minimizes the learnings from coming the hard way. I'm sorry for all in difficult places.

[@faithm9284]

Healthy Boundaries are GOD'S boundaries, and they are heavy with appreciation, and respect, not just for others but for yourself! Know your deal breakers, create your healthy boundaries, and never break your own boundaries. Know you are GOD'S Beloved, and you are who HE created you to be. 💌

[@antoniettadimarco3133]

Amen

[@antoniettadimarco3133]

Do not conform to this world but stay focused on His Ways!

[@MaggieAlvarez-mf3xb]

I'm so grateful to have this as a resource to recommend to PRC clients

[@jukes243]

"I was afraid if I didn't they would take something from me". That hit home. Thank you, Lysa and gents.

[@jennifermorgan4527]

My ❤️ heart feels understood. This is the most on point eye opening video ever!!!!!!!

[@cherbears4446]

So difficult when it’s a family dynamic and the weaponization of the Bible including your spouse, which brings no protection. Praying and hoping this book helps me find some solutions and I do need other interactions with healthy people outside of the family dynamics it’s important to have a balance so your around individuals that lift you up too so you don’t completely lose yourself ❤

[@creativechristiancontent]

Boundaries with families are hard ❤

[@carolholmes718]

Wow! I appreciate the definition of LOVE! Yes, if someone loves you, they will not want to continue to break your boundaries. Thank you FOF and Lysa.

[@focusonthefamily]

Hi, Carol! We’re encouraged by your positive response to this program and are pleased that it was meaningful to you. Blessings!

[@daysintheuk1749]

I wish I knew this 4 years ago so I didn't "need" to get married. But I am glad that I have seen this video so I can move on with understanding my boundaries and my needs. Thank you guys!

[@kimg1210]

Best discussion on boundaries I've seen! And Lysa looks like a younger Crystal Gayle!

[@wonderfullymade4009]

Wow I am so excited for this book. I discovered my husband's affair recently, then I discovered Lisa and her books on audible. Thank you Jesus Christ for this resource.

[@JuliaCloonan]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. She has great resources, can I recommend “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” it will really help during this time 💜

[@usa2342]

Please DO contact Focus on the Family professional counselors. It will strengthen your marriage. Blessings to you and your family

[@amyhansen6272]

Superb Lysa, thank you Focus! This is the most biblical, hopeful and helpful discussion of boundaries I’ve ever listened to. Get the book, it’s fantastic💜

[@focusonthefamily]

Hi, Amy! We’re encouraged by your positive response to this program and are pleased that it was meaningful to you. God's best to you!

[@traceyburroughs1111]

Tracey Burroughs from South Africa 🇿🇦 watching your episode

[@Naan795]

Yes, there is a need to have those proper conversations, from a loving perspective and putting the other before me, to build understanding. We need to open the other’s heart.

[@SouthwindHarmony]

Was just talking and praying about this topic last night when your video came out of no where. Thank you so much this was the best information I have heard on boundaries and I have read several books on the topic. ❤

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

2 important word: Access and Responsibility

[@GisellVe]

23:47;23:59;24:10 must look for time to have a proper conversation with love ones

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

Where does love fit into this picture? If I have a boundary and it gets transgressed, love says to over look the boundary or does it? This is such a POWERFUL interview to set listeners FREE of strongholds. Stronghold: destructive way of thinking that does not line up with God’s ways that lead to health.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

Codependency is an unhealthy idolization of another and feeling lost/worthless without them .

[@JesusIsKing12334]

I wouldn’t say lost or worthless. Most people feel most comfortable with that person. It’s about trust with codependency. And most of those people feel like they can’t trust anyone but their partner. Causing you to heavily rely on your partner.

[@bonniejohnson9487]

I really wish she gave some examples of the boundaries.

[@phoenixrising33]

When you feel that someone is trespassing on to your property, then you need to set a boundary in a loving way. A healthy boundary reflects your needs, preferences, values, beliefs and comes with a fitting consequence should your boundary not be respected. Boundaries honestly refects who we are. Matthew 18 and 1 Corinthians 13 talk about lovingly confronting sin.

[@linak7155]

Excellent presentation! Lisa brought out great illustrations. I learned so much about boundaries through Christian counselor, June Hunt. The idea of boundaries has truly been God's. Deu 27:17 Cursed is he who moves his neighbor’s boundary mark.’ And all the people will say, ‘Amen.’ Proverbs 23:10 Do not move the ancient boundary or go into the fields of the fatherless. Limits should not be confining but clearly defined in order to maintain healthy interactions❤️

[@lebrasilhexa]

Thanks for the ministry of Focus on the Family and for Lisa. It's a powerful testimony and hope for many. I have friends from other countries that are watching so I'd suggest that the talks of Focus on the Family can have subtitles in English. Thanks and bless!

[@lifewithval7248]

Help me lord know my value please 😢

[@focusonthefamily]

Hello, friend! If you would like to talk with a caring person who can listen and pray with you, we invite you to call our counselors. You may call 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459). God bless you.

[@jessandjessica452]

I love this so much! Thank you. 💕

[@bonnieclary6231]

I really love this book and study. It’s been so helpful keeping me grounded and learn to process my feelings. I am looking to Jesus to fill my needs first and setting boundaries by learning these principles and applying them. Thank you ❤️

[@monaperry2635]

Lysa is so wise. Very inspiring!

[@Romans15.32]

What a wonderful segment. Gonna have to follow. Wonderful.

[@elsh332]

I just finished this book and it helped me SO MUCH!!

[@rainyjazz9849]

She got it ! Oh my! What a awesome talk

[@Ashleemariee89]

Thank you for having Lysa on! So many women need this help.

[@lindsayhengehold5341]

❤ focus on the family. Great video on this topic!

[@soniarobinson1072]

Thank you FOF for this discussion with Lysa her insight on people Pleasing and other relationship matters is so helpful & timely. So many of us need to deal with past hurts to make our marriage/family relationships stronger,this encourages me.

[@focusonthefamily]

God bless you, Sonia! If you ever need a listening ear, please don’t hesitate to call us at [phone].

[@KishaGreen19]

She wrapped it up in the first 21 seconds Thank you ma’am ❤❤❤ Exactly thank You Jesus

[@cathicross7819]

What phenomenal advice❣️

[@KarlaOliveira]

What a great video ! I learned so much today ! Thank you so much !

[@gte251]

Absolutely Excellent!!!

[@user-yp1fb4pn1e]

I believe you don't have to put pressure on your spouse, if you truly love and care, that person needs NOT to ask over and over, it's just done on both sides. Be kind, patient, and show love by action.

[@lavenderchai1613]

Thank you for sharing this information. I am currently working on establishing boundaries with my family.

[@tiffanysteen1845]

Thanks my girlfriends and I are going go Thru her new book as small group

[@eddierobles2137]

Thank u so much for this video . Sharing the wisdom that only us help us grow .👏🙏

[@IreneL]

That is why we need to work on ourselves always. I understood myself better when I learned about emotions from Andrew Kenneth Fretwell's book, Emotional Alchemy: The Love & Freedom Hidden In Painful Feelings Here is a quote that stayed with me: "Do you ever find yourself saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do, or feeling guilty about saying "no" to others? This can be a sign of an Earth imbalance within you. The Earth Phase also has a lot to do with our sense of boundaries - our ability to confidently say "no" and "yes" in a balanced way. When we can calmly decline things that don't serve us, or embrace things that do, we're embodying the qualities of a strong Earth. When boundaries are not clear it is easy to experience disappointment and manipulation."

[@Mushroom321-]

GREAT TOPIC !! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@SusieCaron]

I often teach we need to establish boundaries for ourselves and appropriate limits on others. This distinction allows permission to limit or stop unhealthy behaviors around you. For an example of a limit that also assures your own protective boundary, you may say "I am not for swearing at."

[@susansommer1463]

I need to read that book. Will be ordering it today

[@kxdyn]

Loved listening to you all this morning. I’m back again to watch the interview ❤

[@laurenw2446]

This woman is GOLD.

[@patrickdavis7000]

This in a secular podcast would land even better for me

[@jessicamadorma4943]

I am a people pleaser too and what I want from the people I’m pleasing is my children. And I fear if I have appropriate boundaries they will try to take away/keep my children from me.

[@focusonthefamily]

Thank you for sharing, Jessica. If you’d ever like to talk with one of our counselors about your concerns (at no cost to you), please call us at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). The Family Help Specialist who answers will be happy to set up a callback. In the meantime, know that we're praying for you, asking God to give you wisdom and grace as you raise your children.

[@terriwhalen3618]

Great information. Thanks

[@jennyor867]

Dios les bendiga, solo para felicitarles por su programa y por tener a Lisa hablando acerca de los limites habia escuchado algunos habladurias negativas de ella, pero despues de este programa lo unico que me duele es que crei lo que decian de ella hasta cierto punto. Gracias a Dios me di la oportunidad de escucharla y ha sido de bendicion y cambios para mi. Gracias, Lisa y Focus on jthe Family.

[@focusonthefamily]

Thank you for your kind feedback, Juanita. We will be sure to pass it along.

[@Rose-Rae]

Wonderful interview!!!

[@Bill0102]

I'm captivated by the clarity and depth of this content. A book with comparable insights was a pivotal moment in my intellectual journey. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

[@mariaalvaro4630]

I hope more people would make videos, I am visual, and learn more from videos than books

[@ErA-el1je]

We moved to Texas from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Looking forward to this episode.

[@ogeanazia3230]

We moved from Michigan to Texas too 😊

[@dianasasina9328]

I appreciate your sharing the sacrifice of not setting boundaries to not lose a need ... After 50 years of abusive , controlled and lack any sympathy, empathy or compassion, I have come to the Reality that my only "place" in the house I live in with a husband , 49 yr old son and 25 yr old grandson , is " The Cleaner Of The Toilets , Tubs , Dishes AND Floors " ..... I have lost any Voice , Choice , Sense of Worth or Validation..... Yes , It's Time For Me To Go ................ I may very well hook up with one of your Counselors .... I have a NEED .........

[@focusonthefamily]

Hi, Diana! We appreciate you kind comments about our program, and we certainly understand the concerns you expressed. We'd like to encourage you to call us at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you.) In the meantime, please know you're in our prayers. May God be with you and may He strengthen you daily.

[@imlistening3218]

Me too

[@timeaaraouzou710]

So sorry to hear your love has so been taken for granted over such a long time. If at all possible, please attempt to allow the Lord Jesus, Who gave us All of Himself for hatred, mockery, scourging and crucifixion in return, to heal your marriage and regenerate your loved ones' souls. When you say "abuse", do you mean physical abuse? Are you in a position to start setting some boundaries by making time for yourself, and leaving your men to "figure things out for themselves" for a few hours, without putting yourself at risk of a beating? That of course is beyond what you need to endure in a marriage, and would be a terrible example to your grandchild too. But if you are not in actual danger, I can testify from my own situation that the Lord can and does work powerfully in our marriages and helps us to overcome many an adversity. Praying for you 🙏🏻.

[@cynthiakoni8687]

@Diana Sasina! Story of my life! Had no boundaries for a LONG TIME. Till I realised I was enabling the bad behaviour and FINALLY DECIDED TO LEAVE as I had nothing else left to give.

[@cameronhughes8047]

I feel that

[@ronquiring7796]

Ahh yes ! Me, myself and I are the highest priority!

[@J_bird777]

this was so helpful and I’m going to watch part 2 - Would you speak to adult children attempting to create boundaries (especially elderly) with a parent who has been, and continues to be abusive?

[@Biker218]

Oh yes, yes, yes! That would be so helpful. And include how an adult is to obey the command to “honor thy parents” when said parent(s) is toxic and/or abusive please? How does one HONOR such a parent? Thank you.

[@carlosduka1]

It would be really nice if the video had subtitles available. facilitates non-native speakers and the hearing impaired.

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

The death of a marriage. WOW!!!

[@smilez4us]

This is so obvious!!!

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

What does that boundary look like in a marriage? Great question

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

“Expectations - reality = disappointment “ Dr. Randy Carlson

[@tmartin8862]

Harbored resentment...

[@Elisabethbabcock]

20:53 I can relate!

[@ashleynieves6454]

I been married 19 years and I am on the verge of just throwing my hands up because there is not boundaries . I’m stay home mom and don’t do much for me but my husband can go out and do what he pleases. I’m exhausted . It’s pointless to set boundaries when he tells me and he don’t need to do what I ask. We did pre Cana classes before getting married and it seems that was thrown out with him. How do you set boundaries with someone who is a manipulative person and sees no faults or wrongs ? It’s truly exhausting

[@ferme814]

🙏🙏 Pray. Be in the Word. The Lord will give you wisdom in this situation. He can work a miracle in your life.

[@ronquiring7796]

Boundaries only serve the boundary maker. Boundaries, can hurt the one who is locked out. Boundaries state that the boundary maker is the one in power, the one in control, the one dictating.

[@tmartin8862]

She mentioned that the person setting the boundary only controls the access in which the other person will meet them. So in turn the boundary setter comes down to meet the other person where they are.

[@melissapredum1788]

I am and do HAVE HEROES that have been in and out of my life physically and emotionally but I am struggling to get JOY out of living life with or without them. And I truly hate being or feeling that I am or could be viewed in a negative MANNER that I feel I keep myself in a position where I can not be comfortable because I WOULD WANT TO KNOW I SAVED EVERYONE AND HAVE NOTHING TO KNOW THAT I COULD BE A CALM IN STORM OR HELP IN NOT MAKING MEEK APPEAR BECAUSE WE NEED ASSERTIVE. BUT I STRUGGLE BECAUSE MY FAILURE IS BIG AND I FEEL UNDERSERVING LIKE IF I AM HAPPY OR WANT THAT IT IS LOOKING FOR NO PEACE FOR ME......AND I AM FIGHTING SO AT LEAST NO ONE HAS TO PUT UP WITH ME.....BUT EVEN THOUGH I MAY BE SIMPLE. I REFUSE TO GO DOWN ACTING AND THINK THEY ARE GONNA DO MY CHOOSING AND FIGHT SO.....LOOKING FOR P&T right now.

[@JoeM370]

This is an extraordinary compilation of ideas. A similar book I read was a revelation. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

WOW!!! The distance between the two is where you find disfunction

[@pinkroses135]

When Herod saw Jesus, he was very glad, for he had long desired to see him, because he had heard about him, and he was hoping to see some sign done by him. So he questioned him at some length, but he made no answer. Luke 23:8‭-‬9

[@suzannecarman8357]

Oh my. Great discussion. Where to start?? Thank you.

[@mrm3858]

Lysa, on the subject of expectations, aren’t they the same as reasonable boundaries where certain things should be expected in a covenant relationship such as marriage? Things like abuse, infidelity, substance abuse, and other unhealthy behaviors are definitely not things I would expect in a loving relationship.

[@gloriatemael2510]

Yes women have pondry if men is not her housebnd

[@TerryCollinsP31Lifestyle]

Take steps not leaps.