Dealing with Emotional Disconnection in Marriage - Jim Turner

[@DebZaragoza]

I am married to a man just like Jim Turner describes. My husband has very few moments where he is willing to connect with me, and then he wonders why I struggle with intimacy with him. Still married almost 20 years, but it isn't a happy marriage. I am definitely emotionally disconnected, but I have compassion for my husband. I stay with him as a testimony to my daughter, and because my husband's health is declining. I know he needs my support. I see it as being the hands and feet of Jesus to serve him. However, it took a long time for me to come to this point where I no longer want to divorce my husband. Praying for my spouse, and humbling myself is an important part of my journey.

[@MichelleLovesJesus]

Amen sister. You are not alone in your experience.

[@saved9511]

Count me in with you. 39 years coming up January 2025. ​@@MichelleLovesJesus

[@fallon7616]

Yes, you are not alone

[@Carlota1008]

I can identify, but I feel so in despair.thecrealisation that I won't ever get the connected Ness that I need. 15 years and I am so unhappy, needs unmet. 😢

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry to hear about your struggles, friend. We’ll be praying, asking our Heavenly Father to be the center of your marriage and work in your situation in a loving way. If you feel it might be helpful, we invite you to talk about your situation with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Please call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) -- we’d be happy to come alongside you in any way we can. -Emily F.

[@emilydeeren4946]

Been going through this for 12 years. We’ve even been to Hope Restored, FOTF’s marriage intensive… I am always seeking guidance and encouragement because it can be really hard to stay. I think ultimately I have to decide if God is enough. Of course I want to connect with my husband and feel seen and known by him. I want a beautiful marriage here on earth. Keeping my eyes on the Lord gives me room to tolerate the imperfections in my marriage, even in the hurt. The hurt doesn’t go away but I’m not walking it alone. I take comfort in that. I still hope and pray for change. Only the Lord can do that.

[@focusonthefamily]

Hi Emily! Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. We know it's not always an easy thing to do. Please know that we are praying for you and would like to encourage you to continue to place your trust in the Lord. (Prov 3:5) as you continue to stand for your marriage. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Blessings, Ella L

[@donnaminchin8039]

Thankyou for addressing this subject. As a divorced woman who lived 2 decades with a disconnected man it is so encouraging to see men willing to better themselves to be the best husband they can be. This gives me hope❤

[@Laura-bw1un]

Yeah absolutely. Finally

[@karenak8084]

Yes, but why are they able to change and do it right with the next woman (wife or girlfriend) in their life, but couldn’t or were unwilling to do it with you??

[@rayleneveloz296]

​@@karenak8084depends on the person I'm guessing or a different time in their life.

[@rocktower7412]

@@karenak8084big question! Not addressed enough in this show/ but was about the book so I understand a bit why they didn’t

[@ZFern9390]

This guy keeps saying she asked for divorce came out of the blue. I dont buy that. He didn't listen to her pleas all along.

[@danielscountry9884]

I always said the Acts of Service love language is a cover for emotionally disconnected people. Glad this is coming to light

[@ashleyb777]

Yes it can be, that makes sense, not always the case though.... maybe 🙃

[@delmyportillo7279]

100%

[@murralyn7981]

Not always.

[@yuliyacoello5391]

Interesting statement

[@cynthiafisher9907]

I’m an acts of service person and I’m also the more emotionally available in my marriage. Maybe that’s not common?

[@wendylang2360]

Don't underestimate the hurt on both sides of a broken relationship. (I am talking about when there are no third parties involved). The person who leaves (or initiates the break) has usually been feeling rejected for a long time - their pain has been a drawn out process & now they have made the decision to end it, it may appear that they are not that devastated by it. The person who has just been told this is happening often deals with their rejection in one big hit & they are devastated. Both husband & wife have been really emotionally hurt, but the process was different. As I said at start - Don't underestimate the hurt on either side. Be kind to one another. 💒

[@mrs.rubytang9183]

If both were kind, they wouldn't be in the mess they're in. Hearts are harden.

[@susanmartin870]

​@mrs.rubytang9183 i disagree. My husband keft me with 4 kids 9 years ago. Dropped the bomb on me. A few years later we tried again but then 3 years ago i kicked him out. We worked it out and now we understand what had happened to hurt us both and recommited to one another. Both times, we both were hurting deeply. My husband was kind but left me. The last time i was kind but kicked him out kindness isn't what saves a marriage and lack of it isnt what breaks one.

[@candyalexander2196]

42 years with an Asperger's husband I have said 100s of times u r the only person who can live and function without a heart...no compassion no sympathy no respect narcissist but by God's grace I have survived still together only because I make $70O month SS where can I go..but to the Lord..he cares only about himself I have Rheumatoid arthritis never ask how r u feeling Never

[@lightnessjosephat7969]

Hugs

[@nikkijohnson7332]

Young (or old) people need to be very, very, careful who they marry! Marrying someone who doesnt connect the way you want isn't a legitimate reason to divorce. This is such a Western, modern, idea.

[@TobyTatum]

These comments are eye-opening. I'll just share something my Dad told me a couple months ago: Try not to focus on what your spouse isn't doing for you. Instead, focus on what you can do for your spouse. In a big way, how your spouse acts toward you is out of your control. But you can control how you act toward them. So focus on what you can control. This is very hard but helps some, I think. Will we love our spouses even though we are hurting? Hang in there guys!

[@loribooth883]

People can change. Such proof! The Lord helps us in all things if we ask if we abide.

[@chrissiebotha8574]

Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will.

[@gabn1559]

its both, be careful that sounds just like what this guy is saying in doing but not feeling love

[@davidchupp4460]

@@gabn1559 biblically love is an act of the will. If it’s a feeling it’ll always be based on the day.

[@gabn1559]

@davidchupp4460 the Bible clearly states that you can even give your body to be burned but if you don't have love it's worth nothing, you must have the attributes of love such as kindness, patience etc. plus be led by the Holy Spirit and have the fruits of The Spirit, not as easy as it sounds

[@djpowell4928]

Married to a man 37 years just like this. And I loved him in spite of it, but I paid a huge price for staying. He died of cancer 9 years ago.

[@Ruby-zx8fk]

What was the price of staying?

[@djpowell4928]

@@Ruby-zx8fk grief settles in the lungs. For 16 years I suffered and grieved a marriage devoid of emotional intimacy. Now I have chronic lung disease, which I’m pretty certain has taken years off my life.

[@tammiemurray9963]

Our pastor told my husband and me during counseling that men are usually better 2nd husbands than 1st husbands. True words. I'm still married to the 1st husband. :)

[@annabanzon313]

Your pastor is sweet to say that but from what I've seen since I was in HS in my relatives, most men don't remarry. They just get sad or bitter and live the rest of their life through their kids.

[@marielang9552]

Bravo gentleman you came up with the answers and what about his ex-wife and her broken heart are we going to discuss that?

[@RobinMontayne]

My husband is a narcissist, so he only thinks about himself. I pray for him daily.

[@rocktower7412]

@RobinMintayne : tell me about it 😢

[@pamkino]

Finally someone has words for this big problem. Wish there was a part 2!

[@elainemartinez2021]

@@pamkino I agree! We need more of this to be discussed.

[@A-G5518]

I imagine you'll need to get his book for that..

[@TheSyl-wg3hl]

My husband (35 yrs.) is a professionally diagnosed narcissist, an addiction recovery pastor, separated from me for one year (I began standing up for myself which he labeled toxic) came home two years ago but remains separated in-house. He will not file but keeps a divorce worksheet at home. I do not want to file but am so lonely. We have adult children (oldest has spoken out he takes my side - they all love us both) I HATE this life…. It hurts to hear this guest say his new marriage is more than he ever imagined. I wonder if his first wife is truly healed. I just feel no hope.

[@ZFern9390]

They start calling you " toxic " when you start fighting for the marriage demonstratively. I tried everything else, then I started getting angry . He said I didn't love him unconditionally and filed for divorce. I was so weary of his disconnection. I grieve all the time over the loss of us but I'm letting go gradually. He wants to try to be friends now but I block his number and cut off all ties to him with the exception of our 19 year old son.

[@svwerner2877]

My husband has called me toxic. Married 39 years. 2 adult sons. I’ve been the provider mainly. I don’t even know what he has. Joint account that only use. Says he had to have separate account for business. Hasn’t had own business for over 10 years. Unbeliever drinker coming/ going as he pleases.

[@Everyhandletaken213]

There is a Christian therapist online, Kris Reese, her total ministry is about narcissistic relationships, she has lots of resources.

[@gracenjenga9053]

I have been having this concern in my marriage. For the last two weeks I have been looking for the right words and time to share with my husband. It is really bothering me,no matter how hard I try to erase it from my thoughts the more it eats me. I hope I will be able to communicate and he will understand my concern. Emotional connection means a lot especially to the wife.

[@Scrabble8393]

Pray about it.

[@gracenjenga9053]

@@Scrabble8393 sure I'll, thanks

[@PropheticHighlights]

All the best Sis, do keep us updated. I might just learn from you as well. Stay blessed

[@lisalubamba9888]

Hello, it is important to share your concern with him as soon as you feel that emotion/disconnection. Some men cannot connect their insensitivity if they are approached much later. Nevertheless, it is never too late...but most importantly pray and trust Jesus to order your conversation

[@TheHolyFaceofJesus]

I tried to communicate subtly for over 20 years, he always laughed it off then turned it all on me at a time I suffered a misfortune n became vulnerable.....I am now hated for ever highlighting those struggles....

[@psthisisme]

At the age of 16 my husband’s family had their world turned upside down. His mom was diagnosed with a rare illness and died two years later. He has lived with trauma brain his entire life. We married in 1981, when he was 24 & I had just turned 19. It’s been a lonely, difficult, loveless relationship. Because of God’s grace and a godly hope, I’m still able to function. It is possible to live with a broken heart.

[@focusonthefamily]

We're so sorry you've gone through a difficult time @psthisisme and we appreciate you sharing part of your story. Please let us know if we can come alongside you in any way. We're here for you. May the Lord continue to surround you in His grace and hope. -Luna H.

[@TerrySmith-he5vx]

I so relate to you.

[@psthisisme]

@@focusonthefamilythank you for this loving message. It makes me teary-eyed because it’s so compassionate. Your words make me feel loved, hopeful, and seen.

[@maribellaarmstrong6732]

You live because you have breath each morning. But you can't thrive nor be "alive". Find things to do and other healthy relationships of value to you. Otherwise you just wasted your whole life and your best years. Sadly this is the story for the majority of couples. There are other dynamics that need to be addressed in order to allow the relationship to be. But if not addressed or able to overcome then it's just an existence, not a life experience.

[@whom52]

Yes.......yiu can......along w/it comes health issues that can be very debilitating!!

[@billiestewart4242]

This is very good however when we have issues not feeling what another person feels that is a lack of empathy. Possibly trauma is needed to be explored to be able to understand others. I do believe God can change a persons heart and heal. Prayer, seeking therapy and healthy connections all help to understand empathy

[@michaelvarner4802]

Dear FoF, please do a similar discussion on emotionally disconnected wives.

[@focusonthefamily]

Thanks for sharing, Michael. Please know that we're passing your suggestion along to the appropriate staff here at Focus on the Family. Your input is always appreciated. If you ever need a listening ear, please don’t hesitate to call us at 1‐800‐232‐6459. God’s blessings to you! -Mia J.

[@rikabuitendag797]

Dit is baie interessant om mans te hoor praat oor die huwelik, hoe hulle voel daaroor en hoe hul kan raad gee. Ek reken ook om emosioneel aan mekaar verbind te wees te alle tye is baie belangrik. Dit verklaar n mens se behoeftes deurentyd aanmekaar. Dit dink ek is die gom wat twee aanmekaar bind. Hieruit kan liefde groei en veroorsaak nie gapings om van mekaar af weg te groei nie.

[@laxel01]

I loved this message! My only wish is that they would have asked some advice for the wife on what she can do to aid her spouse

[@Travlnthru81]

Therapy. “You didn’t cause it. You can’t cure them. You can’t control them. But you can choose how you respond.” We can set boundaries. We can make requests. If they refuse, you have some choices to make about how you will guard your own heart and stay safe staying or leaving that relationship. Licensed therapist will help you figure that out, even if he won’t participate.

[@EQ1673]

Look up Leslie Vernick. She helps people in Destructive marriages.

[@amyfonseca1766]

That's just it nothing.. it's something internally they have to fix on their own.. at the end of the day they are responsible for their change & or life.. he has to see it & want the change for himself... No amount of his wife telling him what to do or his wife adjusting to accommodating him will work. (Maybe just handing it to the Lord & doing the advice from the above comment too)

[@jenniferg.8242]

Please pray for us. I too am married to a VERY disconnected Man. I pray the Holy Spirit will show him how he is, and how i'm hurting😢😢.. i can't take it anymore... i feel like.. he's not just not connected.. he treats me like his servant and even enemy at times🙈🙈.. there's so much more than just "not connected"😭😭

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry you're going through a difficult time in your marriage, @jenniferg.8242. Please know that we will be praying for you, asking the Lord to restore your connection and intervene in your marriage. If you'd ever like to talk things over with someone (at no cost to you), please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. We're here to come alongside you in any way that we can. -Luna H.

[@cazhoc5803]

Me too. Yet he acts very different around others. 😢

[@suzannemcvicker617]

Marriage is too often slavery for women.

[@NevilleSmith-ni2rz]

listening to this very intense and valuable conversation thank you; just a pity that there’s almost an “age restriction” to correcting or advising what has been done to cause emotional scarring over too many Anniversaries in a marriage, may this be a red light for the younger generation in love!

[@worthywarriors1735]

I need desperate help with this. I know I’m not alone but it sure feels so lonely. 😭🙏🏻😭🙏🏻

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry you are going through this, friend. Please know that you are in our prayers. If you’d like to discuss your situation with one of our counselors, please call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459). God be with you! - Julia J

[@marianhofmann557]

I was married for 20 years to a man who was emotionally disconnected. Its the worst kind of loneliness....

[@michellefarnell1878]

How do you stay emotionally strong if your spouse isn't? I am grieving the loss of my mom on top of this.

[@michellefarnell1878]

He works hard at his job. He focuses on that. He tells me he loves me, but is disconnected. 😢

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry you're going through a difficult time, @michellefarnell1878. Unfortunately, we’re not able to provide counseling by email, text messaging, or through social media channels. We’ve found that writing or texting isn’t an effective way of offering advice when complex or serious life issues are involved. As an alternative, we encourage you to speak about your situation with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Just contact us at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays from 6:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they’re able. You may also request a callback by visiting our Counseling Consultation & Referrals page - bit.ly/3olAU3N. We hope this is helpful. -Luna H.

[@JohnTheRevelator11]

I want to chime in as a 40 or so year old lady who is considered a millennial. We don’t want a Matt. We’d rather have compartments then a cry baby. We have had to deal w whinny men who think they are in tune w their emotions but aren’t able to be real men our entire lives, including narc boomer dads who believed their anger was their emotion. There’s a very fine balance to this all. This convo is great for 45+ couples, but I think a younger male perspective on integrating the emotional w the masculine for our modern world would be priceless.

[@angelagrant9163]

I've been divorced two decades and God pulled me through and gave me the grace and mercy to give me the strength and peace to be at peace with myself. My marriage was extremely sinful and I was not going to live like that. When I chose God, he told me to go ahead and file divorce. He was never available or connected emotionally and intimate, other than sex, and refused to change. When I asked him about his relationship with God, he tells me it's none of my business 😮😢😮 I am very peaceful and happy with myself and the hard work I've done on myself and living good clean life😊😊

[@NEFTALI1984]

Not a single comment about how this also happens the other way around. Perhaps I’m the only man who is living with an extremely responsible wife who does everything out of duty, but love is scarce. 17 years married and I never thought that there was such a thing as gratefully married but not happily.

[@Everyhandletaken213]

Can you talk to,her about your need for Love?? Sad

[@focusonthefamily]

Thank you for sharing, friend. If you'd like to discuss this situation with a counselor, feel free to call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). You and your wife are in our prayers.- Jocelyn C.

[@NEFTALI1984]

@@focusonthefamily I did already, but focus on the family does not help much other than referring me to counseling which I would have to pay for. Not much help there, but thanks. I have access to the same counseling at my church at no cost. Thanks anyway.

[@Travlnthru81]

@@NEFTALI1984maybe check with your insurance about seeing a licensed therapist, which has a higher accountability and more extensive training than lay counselors at churches. Depending on your plan, it could be $20 a visit.

[@nccrchurchunusual]

I thot His Needs Her Needs was helpful- which is a book & also YTube videos.

[@leahcompton2522]

20 years....I have to be done.😢 I moved out 8 months ago and I'm so much happier in many ways.

[@Ezekieleffect]

Jim’s “old self” was my former husband… that’s why we divorced… now I’m happily remarried to a wonderful man who can get in touch and be vulnerable. So thankful Jim has done the hard work of being connected and vulnerable and sharing his story with others!

[@terriroot9196]

My husband of 47 years (an unbeliever) just doesn't want to connect with me. He makes it very clear. He is generous and good provider, can be very sweet but wants to be left alone.

[@johjo26]

And do you feel fulfilled as his wife?

[@Scrabble8393]

His love language is acts of service. He’s not wrong for it. He likely has pain and hurt from childhood and has walls. Believe me, don’t break down the walls, look for ways to have fun together and the love will blossom. He has to feel safe, and it will overflow. He loves you because he’s showing it the best way he knows how. There’s a reason marriage is for life.

[@roselineasante614]

​@@Scrabble8393 Great point.

[@catherineswish]

Sounds like my husband.

[@ZFern9390]

My recent ex-husband, I believe just wanted to be able to say he is married with a kid but showed no interest in us. Consequences are a failed marriage after 22 years 😢

[@maricamaas2326]

Where are testimonies of believers who got reconciled with their first marriage partners, or otherwise are remaining single, after their divorce or seperation - as we're directed by Sctipture?

[@autumn_o-222]

100%

[@Jesus_isLord]

2 Timothy 4:3

[@jasminerose3138]

Exactly

[@jasminerose3138]

This guy truly disconnected from his real wife now is in adulterated relationship

[@ms.herlan7860]

You all sound very judgemental.

[@Mary-zo4rx]

I broke a friendship because of this, it was all about her all the time, i walked extra miles to show her my care and my love for her as friend, my birthday was never important to her, i got tired of it

[@christypoland2979]

My question is why did he not go back to his 1st wife!! That would be a true testimony.

[@cynthiafisher9907]

Do you think she would be willing?

[@christypoland2979]

@@cynthiafisher9907 idk but if he's really changed why would he not want to try and do the connection with her? I would do anything for my husband to try to connect with me.

[@liliherndz5792]

My genuine THANKs to both Jim …sharing their own unique inner Journey in marriage and family intimate disconnect the TRUE VULNERABLE SELF Gods words The TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE ✝️ both men / women and their BELOVED children GLORY to GODs infinite MERCIES REDEEMING LOVE of GRACE and DIVINE shared common PEACE 🕊 thru the HOLY TRINITY AMEN AMEN AMEN

[@WeightForRest]

Godly sorrow precedes real Joy. Godly sorrow leads to repentance which leads to salvation which leads to no regrets ( real Joy). If there's " joy" outside of this godly sorrow process, maybe it's actually a worldly sorrow that leads to " happiness" or an end. The best example of what I'm writing is in 2 Corinthians 7. Godly sorrow is beautiful and much needed before Joy can come Jim Turner experienced a godly sorrow!

[@donnablackmore5499]

I love this and I feel God really sent this to me. I am in this type of relationship. I have been praying for God to help him .. thank you I actually am feeling hopeful because he is an amazing man but so disconnected with our relationship and is very hard for me

[@focusonthefamily]

Thank you for sharing, @donnablackmore5499. Our prayers are with you and your marriage. Please don't hesitate to reach out if we can support you in any way. -Luna H.

[@jacquelineharrell4605]

This is a GREAT EXPLANATION!!

[@claireboltjes7646]

Any other women out there feeling like a disconnected man right now? 😅 That's what I do: "do" love instead of feel it. My man is the more emotional of us two. He's the only person I feel safe expressing my emotions to; I guess that's good.

[@Dnisha-dm3pc]

Your blessed!

[@debbiewood3819]

Such a beautiful episode...time can change men, (and, women)...struggles in building a family, work,...I've learned to give him space, he takes alot of it!..." he doesn't care about me" like he used to in the beginning, I feel....childhood; his father was disconnected to him emotionally while growing into manhood, did not go to HS sports...

[@roseenglish1127]

This is my husband. It’s a very lonely life. He believes household chores and financial support equals love and I should be there for his sexual desires and I shouldn’t step out of line by having an opinion or expressing dismay about anything. He rages and slings abuse if I say anything he doesn’t like. He has a close emotional bond with his ex wife and I’m not allowed to comment on that.

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry you're facing a difficult time in your marriage, @roseenglish1127. Please know that we're here to come alongside you in any way we can. If you'd like to talk things over with someone, please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. Our hearts and prayers are with you. -Luna H.

[@geraldstaten1268]

What about the women he vowed to first? I cry for her ans me.

[@pnz3bt]

The question is did the husband start out this way early on in the marriage or was it a gradual change over the years? Some men are just highly introverted or antisocial by personality which you can't really change and should think twice before considering marriage if one of the spouses fit in this category. Other reasons could be stress from work and life, depression, or health problems which can be addressed and corrected.

[@2780-l2k]

Maybe. Or watch how they treat everyone else they “value”, and compare it to spouse. If inquisitiveness, caring, sensitive to needs and feelings is present for all others but not spouse (except in short, intense dating phase), then that man has an intimacy problem he needs to learn what it stems from and address it maturely.

[@gratefulone7208]

In reading all this, I wonder if there were signs of emotional disconnection before the marriage. There are red flags we don't see because we're so "in love" that we have blinders on. In some cases maybe the emotional disconnection developed over time.

[@GeeTee2023]

I agree because I’ve been married now for 2 years to my husband and I didn’t see those things at first. I now see a different person he isn’t the person I met 2 years ago. We got married rather quickly because “we were so in love” now it’s like he comes home says hi then is just glued to the tv, phone, game leave to the gym it feels like he use to want to be with me and around now he’s just distant I know there isn’t any cheating but I don’t feel like I want to spend years living this way. I was in a 10 year horrible relationship 4 years before I met him and I don’t want to put up with things again I feel like we’re too old to act this way.

[@godandgardening]

When they are getting a dopamine hit from discovering you in the honeymoon phase they will be able to connect in a form. Once your familiar and the dopamine flooding wears off then you see the real connection dynamic

[@theultimatefoodie2666]

I think emotional disconnection can also be emotional abuse…

[@michaelparker2326]

It’s really not

[@cazhoc5803]

​@michaelparker2326 If it's a deliberate turning away, it could be considered abuse. Definitely a betrayal of marriage vows. Not adultery, but still betrayal.

[@jodie3671]

Unfortunately my marriage ended after 25 yrs because of this reason. Emotionally unavailable men cause almost irrepairable damage to their partners/wifes. My ex was totally emotionally unavailable during our marriage. He just didn't know how to handle my emotions. He would rather connect with our children than with me. He had NO clue whatsover how to connect with me on an emotional level. Was severely painful.💔

[@helennelson2635]

Yes I’m going through that now after 22yrs. It is hurtful and feels like he couldn’t care less.

[@mchristr]

So did your husband end the marriage or did you? And if you did, were there biblical grounds (assuming of course that you’re a Christian)?

[@JulieNemeth-t4r]

@@mchristrthese situations are abandonment.

[@mchristr]

So did the husband leave and refuse to come back and work on the marriage?

[@ZFern9390]

Same but my ex husband didn't connect with our son either. He kept to himself and some of his friends. My ex husband is addicted to Facebook. He sits on it for hours on end. Reading people's lives and comments and commenting to them 😂. I'm laughing because I'm crying inside!

[@Mjciampi22]

Thank you for doing this podcast. Very helpful.

[@christinewright279]

The man must also be willing to hear. If he absolutely refuses to listen to the Holy Spirit than there is nothing the neglected wife can do.

[@WayneJohn-t1f]

Sometimes men wall themselves of because men are told if they have feelings, thoughts, expectations it needs we are being selfish. Honest question. We hear all the time in church what men are supposed to be. When is the last time you heard a sermon or message on what a wife is supposed to be? I think there is same amount of divorce in the church as in the world should be an indicator. Yes men need to emotional connect but men need to know if they become vulnerable they will not be shunned for expressing feeling and thoughts.

[@laurakosch]

17:55 If the Holy Spirit is not doing it, it’s not his time. What is the wife to do? Pray. Wait. Be in pain. What are the children to do? Grow up with a distant dad who imprints his own dysfunction onto them? This can lead to a pretty steep faith crisis for a fervently praying wife.

[@masfw2012]

17:57 If the Holy Spirit isn't doing that for a guy, then it is not his time? What does he mean by that?

[@JacquelineElizabeth-y5j]

Men and women are different--thanks for this explanation.

[@suzetepereira4866]

Could an emotional disconnected man have had a problem with rejection in his childhood?

[@margaritajohns7907]

One more time you have filed my heart with gratitude to Focus on this important issue very common in our world. Thank you. I can’t wait to give a book and read mine. Many more Blessings helping Families⭐️❤️🙏🕊.

[@focusonthefamily]

Hi, Margarita. Thanks for sharing your enthusiasm for our program, and we’re glad that it was so meaningful to you. We are pleased by the opportunity the Lord has given us to be of encouragement to many families in our listening audience. Your kind comments about Focus mean a lot to us. God’s best to you. -Sharon P.

[@basketexpress4799]

Jim Daly needs to stop talking and taking over the guest speakers spotlight. Let the guests have their say, thats why we tune in

[@mchristr]

It’s his job to steer the interview, often in the desire to highlight points the guest has included in a book.

[@elainemartinez2021]

@@mchristr yep, and they have to discuss the highlights in a specific amount of time.

[@Charity-vm4bt]

​​@@mchristrI am interested in both perspectives

[@AnnieTexan]

I agree

[@carrielegg5480]

My husband and I have been living separately in the same house for 20yrs now. Which is unreal. I think there is fear on both part. This is very sensitive and fragile area for me to share. So please no judgement. For me I have a relationship with God and I go to church, Bible study groups. I have lost 225lbs and maintaining for 15yrs now. I was addicted to sugar and flour. We can talk and get along. He is also emotionally disconnected.

[@focusonthefamily]

Hi Carrie, thank you for sharing your story with us. Please know that we are praying for you and your husband. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Just give your number to the Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone. They will pass along your phone number to one of our caring Christian counselors. One of them will return your call just as soon as they’re able. We hope to hear from you soon. -Ella L.

[@Ruby-wise]

Yes..there’s a huge price..paid for staying!

[@ChristTabernacleSouthAfrica]

I feel this discussion should go a little deeper into what exactly emotional intimacy is. I listen to my wife all the time and sometimes offer advice, but it turns out women don't want there problems solved, at least not by their husbands, they just want to be heard, and when I say nothing then I don't love her because I didn't respond in way that she wanted. I feel like I should be a robot and say exactly what she wants to hear. I've asked her for a script on what exactly are the right words to leave my mouth in any given conversation. I can never say the right thing.

[@ambergluth9945]

Just some perspective…After she speaks and you listen ask her what she needs from you in the moment. If she isn’t sure she should reflect on that. You can’t know if you have not practiced this with her.

[@annagygax3302]

Your wife was not alone. Sadly, I've died on the vine as well. Now, existence is the norm and flourishing is too much work

[@susanmcmahon4733]

My ex husband EXACTLY THE SAME, no connection on empathy absolutely NOTHING all he ever cared about was himself and whatever woman that's in his life, no connection with his children or Grandkids, emotionally stunted, behaves like a 2 year old, had to leave him to his own devices, my ex husband is an Narcissist.

[@MariahFan09]

So if they are emotionally disconnected, why do they care if the woman leaves them?

[@Scrabble8393]

Childhood traumas build walls. This type typically does this out of self preservation. Women leaving is another deep hurt. Job loss, death and divorce are emotionally catastrophic. They love how they can, and time can love can change things. It’s a life long journey.❤

[@sofiabravo1994]

@@Scrabble8393live how you summarized this

[@sofiabravo1994]

@@Scrabble8393*love

[@mytreasuredcreations]

​@@Scrabble8393what can a wife do when she's asked her husband to look for a counselor or therapy and he says he doesn't need it? It's clear that his childhood trauma is coming out every time he's frustrated with something and feels incapable and angry. He falls apart in anger and hopelessness.

[@whenyourgone1994]

Pride

[@Laura-bw1un]

They either think everything is great or see problems and blame everything on their wife 😥😵‍💫🤧

[@ashleybrewington454]

Amen, I've been dealing with that myself..

[@bonniemoore7506]

I’m “married” to an emotionally abusive man who has never shown me or my children any love or affection since we got married and we moved for him. He lied to me saying he was a Godly man and would be a good Dad to my kids, no he basically ruined our lives

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry to hear about your marital struggles, Bonnie. We’ll be praying, asking our Heavenly Father to fill you and your husband with His love and compassion. May He be the center of your marriage and family, and may He provide strength and guidance as you look to Him. If you feel it might be helpful, we invite you to talk about your situation with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Please call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) -- we’d be happy to come alongside you in any way we can. In the meantime, the following material might be helpful: tinyurl.com/2jrykjb4; tinyurl.com/zw4x8jau and tinyurl.com/yj3rwyzn. -Emily F.

[@bonniemoore7506]

@@focusonthefamily thank you, please pray for my children most of all as they were most affected

[@focusonthefamily]

We'll be praying for your children that God will fill them with His infinite love, strength and protection, Bonnie. -Emily F.

[@EQ1673]

​@@bonniemoore7506I have gotten a lot of help with Leslie Vernick. There are plenty of KZbin videos by her.

[@jackijohnson3778]

Wd have been having problems for years. Finaly trying and getting help. Often if i explain my heart he sits quiet and stares at me. If he responds, he dont get it or says im wrong. He wont say anything nice, in that moment telling me he loves me and hugging me would be great but he just stares at me

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry you're facing a difficult time in your marriage, @jackijohnson3778. Please know that we're here to come alongside you both in any way that we can. If you think it might be helpful to talk things over with someone (at no cost to you), please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. In the meantime, we will be praying for you, asking the Lord to intervene in your marriage, providing you both with His perfect peace. -Luna H.

[@gabn1559]

is it compartmentalizing or is it ignoring issues?

[@doreenjohnston7672]

so what makes a man like this get married in first place ?

[@Ed-vi8lj]

The same reason a woman marries him. Both do not recognize need to improve

[@adeolaadebiyi3004]

You were supposed to renew your vows to first wife and start again

[@autumn_o-222]

AMEN!!

[@cynthiafisher9907]

It takes two. Do you really think she would be willing to?

[@jenniferkeessen3857]

What if it’s the wife who’s more emotionally disconnected? Resources for her?

[@focusonthefamily]

@Jennifer Great question! We have many resources on our website for men or women. I will attach a few. However, if you would like to let us know some other details, I am sure we could get you a better resource. Thank you! God bless you! bit.ly/4dlRa8i bit.ly/3zxFe5O - Treasure H.

[@bettymagsam3048]

Love this thank u 😃

[@JScottAudio]

Ive watched this episode and the thing i heard time after time was all about the wife's feelings. She didn't feel this, she didn't feel that. Maybe... just maybe....her feelings were wrong. Didnt mean she wasn't loved...in fact...the guest provided example after example of how he loved her. Her rejection of his efforts, and then the subsequent justification of her declaration of " not Feeling" loved sounds like the reaction one expects from an immature child. I feel for this guy...

[@ko.lee_asmr]

I would like to gift this book to my husband.

[@focusonthefamily]

Hello, @ko.lee_asmr! Please click on this link to get the book, The Disconnected Man: bit.ly/4dL5TL8. Hope this helps. Blessings! - Nicole W.

[@margaretchaney5627]

What if your disconnected husband will not read your book? I haven't finished reading it & I'm discouraged. He's seen me very emotional and is not moved. He continues on with good works. I used to blame this on his career in law enforcement. But it's deeper than that.

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry you're facing a difficult time in your marriage, @margaretchaney5627. Please know that we're here to come alongside you and provide any advice and resources that we can. If you'd like to talk things over with someone, please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. In the meantime, please know that our prayers are with you and your marriage. -Luna H.

[@WayneJohn-t1f]

What happens when a man is told if he shares his feelings, thoughts, expectations, and needs and is told he is selfish not just by his wife, but the church. When have you heard a sermon on what a wifes should do in marraige. We hear all about what men should do. Why are we suprised men wall themselves off. When the divorce rate in the church is almost the same as the world you would think it might cause our pastoral class to ask some questions.

[@susanmartin870]

All you need is Jesus. Not every man can find godly men to talk with.

[@THISISGorgeousKnight-sy2cx]

Have anyone else noticed how Daily seems to undermines his own character by the way of answering his Co Worker “ The Masters “ ?

[@purplemoose6431]

Is it OK for people that are emotionally disconnected and so their wife divorces them I’m assuming both of these are the man and the woman are Christians and now they get to go and remarry somebody else? Is that biblical?

[@focusonthefamily]

Hello @purplemoose6431 Here's a link to our position statement on divorce and remarriage - bit.ly/3RPLzgH. Also, if you'd like to discuss this topic further with one of our pastoral counselors, call us at 800-232-6459 and one of them will return your call as soon as possible. We hope this is helpful. Blessings, Ella L.

[@inta9338]

What about sacrament of marriage?

[@carolbailie9897]

Didn't he just find a different woman that he felt for... sounds like he just didn't and still doesn't feel anything for the 1st wife. And he kinda makes that obvious. Ouch. I hope other men aren't encouraged to change wives, for progress in becoming connected men.

[@Kristine-p4z]

So I can not miss someone very interwoven in my life AND be vulnerable and connected. I don’t understand that

[@willbradley71]

I will be sending this to my wife

[@juliemorgan-bullock6149]

I will be sending it to my husband 😂

[@Maria-qn6fe]

So good 💗💗thank you 💯📢

[@vgreene77]

❤ this was great ,thanks this sounds like my husband

[@susanjbrown3436]

I have absolutely NO emotional, spiritual, or sexual connection with my husband. I've been married for six years. I died five years ago. We just live like roommates. I could have the same level of intimacy with a stranger walking on the opposite side of the street. I've had repeated conversations with him, trying to express how I feel about the lack of spiritual, emotional, and consequently, lack of sexual intimacy. I've been told by him that I was being a wimp for expressing how I feel. I feel like all I am to him is a check writer; a bank, to keep a roof over his head; make a nice home for him. That is all I am! I'm ready to get out! I'm emotionally dead! The switch is turned off. Our anniversary was 10 September. Neither of us mentioned it. I would not flinch if he left.

[@focusonthefamily]

We are so sorry to hear about how you feel. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). In the meantime, we will be praying for you. We hope to hear from you. Ella L

[@annekitchen4577]

I’m sorry for your pain. Do you know why your husband is so closed off? Do you have anyone to talk to about it? May the Lord bless you & keep you.

[@suzannemcvicker617]

I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself, prioritize living in peace.

[@joyfultrails]

Forgive me if I’m wrong-and I could be-but it seems like when I look at your titles and thumbnails there are 15 or 20 videos telling men what they do wrong for every one video telling women to do better. Like, where’s the video on “sexual disconnect” in marriage, about the wife who withholds sex from her husband for no good reason…or for every reason under the sun? it’s almost like Paul knew that was going to be a problem, so he addressed it 2000 years ago 😏 Thanks I’ll take off the air… 😂

[@JoyceBailey-y6z]

If the husband is unaware he’s emotionally disconnected he will never understand that his wife’s desire for intimacy is negatively affected. Wives crave emotional connection which leads to the physical.

[@sofiabravo1994]

@@JoyceBailey-y6zIt’s still no excuse we need to be selfless in marriage.

[@cynthiafisher9907]

@@sofiabravo1994So, he has an excuse, but she doesn’t?

[@lafloridiana1009]

This is me 100%, not my husband😢😢

[@kr03grunt]

You can not put marriages in a bubble. All marriages and people are individual. Spiritual leadership on the part of the husband is most important. If you're leading spiritually, your wife will know divorce isn't the answer. Nor is it Biblical.

[@theculprit3610]

Did his wife play no part in this. Could she have done something different to help to feel connected with him? It sounded like he took full responsibility.

[@GrammySue0719]

No one ever talks about the disconnected wife in a marriage, without it somehow ending up as him being at fault. Typical.

[@KM-te6wu]

And an apology to your first wife?

[@timh6540]

Like all of us, Im sure this guy could have done better. But even if he had, theres no guarantee that she wouldn't have found another reason to leave. Beating up the husbands for not being sensitive enough, while telling the wife that she isnt being valued enough is way over the top in modern western culture. There has to be mutual responsibility and balance.

[@RobinMontayne]

My husband is a narcissist. Please pray for me that the Lord will get me out of this situation.

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry you're going through a difficult time in your marriage, @RobinMontayne. Please know that we will be praying for you both, asking the Lord to intervene and provide healing to the relationship. If you think it may be helpful to talk things over with someone, please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. We're here for you. -Luna H.

[@suzannemcvicker617]

You have to decide whether you want to live in peace or not.

[@lorijonerad857]

Now, the question is how do I send this video to my husband?

[@fifthof9501]

Have him sit with you and watch it! First explain to him how you feel and ask him to try and understand.

[@focusonthefamily]

Thank you for your interest. Here is a link you can send. - Steve L. bit.ly/3AToF4B

[@mercylampson329]

Watch together 😊

[@lorijonerad857]

@@fifthof9501 thank you!! I’m on the road 1,000 miles away from him and that the best idea!! Been married for 51 years this month and he has admitted to me that he doesn’t feel sympathy. Just loving him the way he is is a bit tough at times.

[@Scrabble8393]

Pray first

[@Charity-vm4bt]

"Patriarchy" is the problem for men of an older generation. They were taught to be able to take charge. Today, that is called being "narcissistic," before there was such a label. Men of the older generation have cultural restrictions with emotional intimacy. It was considered unmanly to discuss emotions. Many men of that generation go through the motions but secretly try to get their wives to also restrict their emotional needs. It would have unraveled men to function differently. Whereas, women were often regarded by men as their helpers, not as individuals or persons in their own right. Women accepted this and privately talked to their "best friend" to complain. It was compensation. Today, there are resources available that did not exist in the past. We know more about male hormonal differences from female. There is hope if women will also educate themselves to understand at a deeper spiritual depth. Then they can understand both their own economic dependency thst may have allowed their compromised lives. These are common problems for people in their 60's and 70's. Younger people tend to have more collaborative roles if they are Christian and communicate with other couples.

[@jessyjonas4988]

This is really great content Thanks for the vulnerability Thanks FOTF

[@mandasee1]

Do any other women feel like the more emotionally disconnected ones?

[@byonnoyb]

huh....my "husband' made sure he could be emotionally available to his so-called female "friend"...oh yes, how easy it was for the both of them to share their emotions against their spouses with one another...

[@merlinator11]

What if you ask intent and they respond by flatout lying saying that they were only responding to this bad thing you said/did(which didn't even happen)?

[@Laura-bw1un]

Or doing things and keeping her out of it and not including her on the process like she needed to be included and encouraged