For women experiencing violence, refuge is not the answer | Nicola Woodward | TEDxChristchurch

[@cynthialangley7338]

In the u.s. when I went for counseling re: domestic violence, I was repeatedly told to take my family to a shelter. No legal, financial, housing, employment assistance or actual therapy was being offered. I felt I was on my own and survival was the main goal. I got a divorce but eventually my abuser got custody of my children and went on to abuse my youngest child. The court sided with the abuser and blamed me and actually went so far as to suggest that my child was to blame for their own abuse. I never realized how the systems, especially the court system, are such a big part of the problem of domestic abuse. My child and I are now suffering from complex PTSD years later. A comprehensive system of real victim assistance is critical as well as recognition of these crimes and consequences for violent offenders. These crimes affect the whole society not just isolated victims. Also remember when we protect and make excuses for these violent offenders they are free to commit more and more violence. At the very minimum this is a public safety issue.

[@sandrae2398]

I'm so sorry you went through all that

[@justowska8575]

Women's refuge = prison

[@carolinemclachlanquirk9160]

Without refuge me and my child would not be here, however after 25 years now a survivor, having studied and was invited to the house of Parliament, I personally feel the original battered wives refuge is not a one solution fits all, there are so many layers and elements, education at schools is needed, eg self esteem, and worth. I am currently in a scary dangerous situation again, Ive been stalked, harassed, gaslit, suspected attempted murder, lorry crashed in to us, plus screws and nails in the tyres of our car, I'm sick if running, but need to feel safe thank you xxx

[@mandydean1327]

Thanks so much for this. The worst thing I did was listen to Bonnie's Women's Service in Sydney Australia. The impact of trauma has only been magnified beyond anything I thought was possible. Now I'm facing homelessness again, because they decided I had to leave my home and guaranteed they'd be there every step of the way. It's not ok for any trauma survivor to go through abuse at the hands of the women's refuge industry. I appreciate you speaking out

[@nicolabubbles]

Thanks. I was very conscious that some of what I say in my talk would make me unpopular with traditionalists and that I might experience some unhealthy reactions but it's important to step up and speak out when we believe something's not right. It's what the founders of the refuge movement did in the 1970s.

[@mandydean1327]

@@nicolabubbles wow I could not have put it better myself. I am Soo very grateful for your video. No where could I find anyone who would even believe me. To come across this at such a low point all because the women's service who were supposed to help me, deliberately caused more harm than good, even had me questioning myself. I know they violated my human rights, gaslighted me n lots more I refuse to stay silent It is my duty to all women to speak x

[@adriannaviir1289]

I have been one of this woman. And I wish I would have person like this to Have MY Back 🙏🙏🙏

[@purpigment]

The perpetrators of domestic violence are criminals. No explanation as to their reasons for inflicting abuse be it economic, emotional and/or physical, can ever possibly be exoneration.

[@JN-go2yq]

Aviva (formerly Christchurch Women's Refuge) first established its Children's Services in 1998, in recognition of the fact that children and young people have different needs than adults and a different experience of family violence.

[@joannahzamora]

How does this not have more views?

[@nicolabubbles]

Feel free to share my talk!

[@LoneWulf278]

Because it’s actually useful information. Welcome to the world we live in.

[@daughterofgodwarriorofchrist17]

The solution is ending the cycle of violence by 1: giving the protective parent full custody and 2. Sterilize the abuser. That will end The cycle quick and won't cost too much money. Currently we have a corrupt family court system consistently giving abusers access if not full custody.

[@claudiabarber4779]

Daughter of God Warrior of Christ . as a Christian I am surprise by your answer to solve this issue of violence against women (or men and children) Educational/rehabilitation, funding/support for the family and a cultural/ideological change because most of what people, young and older, are exposed to this VIOLENCE in movies/TV, computer games and music videos, which makes violence acceptable part of life. I worked for W.R. in the 90's and the "Cycle of Violence" was drummed into me as the root cause. This did not prepare me, or the women we were helping to be empowered or to support their male children who were exposed to the violence as well. It demonized men, and women said things like "Your just like your father' if boys showed any signs of aggression and instead of nurturing and supporting these boys they were made to feel like they were doomed to the fate that they are born to be violent predictors, when in fact they were just boys/young men struggling to cope with emotions and trauma and fears. I disagree with the speaker in that women who habitually find themselves in violent relationships with different men, dragging their children into these relationships as well MUST bare some responsibility as well. How can she say that women don't need protecting and then not allow them to have a share of responsibly in creating safe homes for themselves and their children. How can we educate some of these women to understand why they choose certain men over and over. (this does not make the actual violent act against them their fault) The speaker is not taking into consideration the increasing numbers of young women who are acting violently in our society, beating up old people , murder and assault in the communities I applaud all attempts to put in place anything that will address domestic violence, but I feel we must not keep looking at it as a thing that happens to women. Violence is not gender specific just because our stats show more women suffer as a result of it. Men DO NOT SPEAK UP and would be 10 times less likely to report it, than a women, because of the stigma and shame. Lastly the issue of women using 'domestic violence' claims to control ex-partner, to gain housing and in order to benefit from resource, and sometimes just out of spite. Some women are 'advised' to make these claims and told to exaggerate minor disputes to show they were victims of abuse. It might not sit well hearing that but I know it is true from experience.

[@musikgalaxy7737]

Daughter of God Warrior of Christ exactly

[@AnnaLVajda]

Yeah lots of women are scared of that and stay for that reason because they can't protect their kids and are actually at a bigger risk of being killed after they leave and report the crime.

[@philippamcatee8585]

Where did you get your information about Refuge from? Women's Refuge takes adolescent boys into safe-house. Women's Refuge supports women experiencing mental illness. Women's Refuge supports women living with addiction. Women's Refuge supports women to make their own choices, leaving is not the only option. Around 80% of Women's Refuge client's are remaining in their own homes. I am disappointed and confused as to why Aviva is giving false information about Women's Refuge.

[@philippamcatee8585]

Ok, so you believe that its what women perceive about services that is most important and you are perpetrating a negative perception of refuge........ leaves one questioning your motives.

[@musikgalaxy7737]

Philippa Mcatee leaving is not the only option ????? How can anyone possibly stay with the abuser? If there is domestic violence, there IS no other option, but leaving!

[@mandydean1327]

In my lived experience and I'm living it now she's speaking the truth

[@lizliz4186]

Thank you

[@nicolabubbles]

Thanks you for taking the time to watch and listen.

[@vepn21]

I truly believe this, but getting people to participate is the stumbling block I face!

[@VickyHumphrey-cm5ut]

Unfortunately 6 years later it is still the same. Sad there is no change.

[@DJLauraTouray]

Whilst I appreciate Nicola’s efforts to understand domestic abuse and how to conquer it in the modern world, I am perplexed as to how she has gathered the information she is setting out in this speech? From what I heard here, she is suggesting that increasing support services for all involved in domestic abuse (including the abusers) will eventually put a stop to abuse once and for all. I beg to differ and am wondering what actual experience Nicola has of abusive people regardless of gender, and what actually lies at the heart of abuse. Not all, but the majority of abusive people have major traits of cluster B personality disorders, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and live in a very different reality to the norm. An unhealthy reality where they seek out codependent and empathic people to serve their need for constant gratification and to be subservient to their every demand. This involves brainwashing, manipulating and coercively controlling their victims from the get go, and living with a Jekyll and Hyde persona. From my experience and research, this seems to be the foundation of almost all cases of domestic abuse, as the perpetrators then use this form of control to isolate victims from friends and family and have to know their every move. It’s more like a dictatorship than a relationship. There is no way that these disordered people will ever seek help for their mental health, because they are convinced there is nothing wrong with them and can never be accountable or take responsibility for their actions and behaviours. While a victim is living with and has any contact with these types of abusers, it is very very hard to get away or escape, especially as the abusers are so good at hoovering them back in with love bombing! It takes a very specialised approach by Women’s Refuge outreach workers and domestic abuse advice charities and services to be able to help the victims understand what is happening to them and how to leave safely. Often, leaving is the most dangerous time as the abusers are never willing to let their victims go without a fight, one that never actually ends so long they are able to know where their victims reside and are able to contact them. Any violence is simply the tip of the iceberg and a massive warning flag of the extent of the abuse beneath the surface. Without my local Women’s Refuge I would never have escaped. I never moved into a refuge in the end as my ex was removed by Police, but I had amazing outreach support and attended several courses to learn about what was happening to me and how insidious it all was. Sorry but this speech does not reflect reality and Nicola needs to do a LOT more research, including connecting with as many victims of abuse as she can, to deepen her level of understanding.

[@nicolabubbles]

Aviva's inclusive range of services for people experiencing or using violence was informed by extensive research with adults and children with lived experience. It also reflects the social reality that most people at risk of violence will never call the police or a refuge - both of which are also essential in a comprehensive response model. Importantly, we don't minimise or dismiss anyone's potential to overcome their use of violence, and are honoured to support people on this journey every day. We also never make any assumptions about another person's personal experiences of abuse, even if it differs from our own.

[@valeriabonfio7020]

The author is talking about an ideal world. But our main FOCUS should be to HELP NOW women who are ENTRAPPED into the SPIRAL of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. and who are UNABLE for different reasons to go out. I think that EVERYONE of US can PLAY its part to solve once for all such Worldwide problem.

[@nicolabubbles]

My talk aims explores how we can enable women and children to become safer in the short term by diversifying our immediate response (e.g. engaging men using or at risk of using violence, shifting away from shaming and stigmatising language to encourage connections), as well as work towards creating a violence free NZ by addressing the social, cultural and economic drivers of violence. Certainly, the innovative services Aviva's developed since 2011 have enabled us to connect with many women, children and their families much sooner that we otherwise could.

[@claudiabarber4779]

@@nicolabubbles I understand and respect all that you aim to do. I totally agree when you say "e.g. engaging men using or at risk of using violence, shifting away from shaming and stigmatizing language to encourage connections. I believe that to be very powerful way forward. I stand strong with anyone who wants to deal with this issue. I have raised my point on this matter on the other thread here where I point to the danger of ignoring, minimizing or excusing the violence that women do. If we can reason a women who beat up her child to death did it because her husband beat her or her father beat her, then we can reason that a man was violent for the same reasons. he learnt to act like that and not that it is inherent in his gender. We are all working to stop violence. I just don't see it as a male gender issue, just because stats show men do it more. It's more a HUMAN issue. I am not afraid to include women as perpetrators and drivers of violence as well as men and say that women can also be abusers to men and children and to other women because it seems to be taboo to even say it. Namaste.