forced to wear a bra 🤨 r/AmITheA**hole

[@KaylaChan90]

On the bra one.... if not wearing a bra around male relatives.... is making said relatives uncomfortable... something WAY more disturbing is going on. I refuse to wear them, and legit have never had a family member ask or complain.

[@vallentinac9513]

THIS THIS THIS.

[@natterjack478]

EXACTLY

[@flotenstimme4608]

Actually noone ever adressed me regarding wearing or not wearing a bra. Only once a younger friend that wondered if I was wearing one and was surprised to learn that i wasn't. But after that never ever. It since always has been my business. Even for group accomodations with mixed sex and I was in a Pyjama noone bothered... I am from Germany

[@rebeccarand9682]

I actually feel very differently about this. I tend to dress more modestly around my male relatives because I feel uncomfortable being... idk, unprofessional around them. I don't want to make them uncomfortable, either. I have no evidence suggesting that they would, but I understand why the male relatives were uncomfortable in this situation.

[@lysandremathieu7797]

@@rebeccarand9682 Internalised the male gaze. It makes you uncomfortable, and you also internalised the fact that YOU should accommodate to them, instead of your own need.

[@cameoe805]

For the bra bit, I find it incredibly disturbing that the women in that household feel like they have to wear bras around their son/brother and husband/dad. The implications are really gross. And I'm honestly surprised that anyone has that reaction to free moving boobs anymore. About the dog, huskies are a LOT of work. You have to get them professionally groomed. They have loads of energy. They are difficult to train. And they become destructive if you don't keep them occupied. Totally agree with not committing to such a challenge.

[@PersonTP]

It’s not even about the breed but the fact that she wanted to choose the dog herself and to my understanding she said so multiple times to the boyfriend.

[@krystlepoulin6382]

If my aunt, uncle, and cousins were sexualizing my body for simply existing I would absolutely leave. Those people are disgusting.

[@isla_theegg]

i absolutely agree!

[@cameoe805]

I agree. That creeps me out that they would be bothered by it. Reminds me of dress codes enforced on me in school so I wouldn't be a distraction to boys. I don't think she's the asshole. But I do think she should leave.

[@be_me]

My thought exactly!

[@cary9479]

Exactly.

[@rhokesh4391]

I've been in the sauna with relatives of all ages, including two uncles I'm not directly related to, as a kid and as a teenage girl. It wasn't weird in the least. But then I'm Austrian ;P

[@henitinker8808]

With the bra story, I don't think hosts can have a say over what underwear you choose to wear under your clothes. That's um...pretty gross imo

[@IconicDuckling489]

Especially if they are family!

[@reneeelich4893]

100% right. i hate speach tee shirt is nothing like what underwhere people choose or choose not to wear.

[@dmortal999]

It’s like saying what type of underwear someone has to wear when coming to your place.

[@laulau194]

Exactly! Totally unreasonable rule

[@rosiekittengirl760]

That's what I was thinking

[@niranjana9060]

Telling someone to wear a bra isn't innocent. It's controlling and ensures that women keep themselves in their place. Absolutely NTA, sexism isn't suddenly acceptable because you're at your aunt's place. 🏠

[@jelatinosa]

Exactly! I'm surprised by how much I disagree with Shaaba in this video

[@izzitaylor1396]

I know I am vastly outnumbered here but in the bra story it is absolutely YTA. It is there house and you are a GUEST. They have asked you to respect their house rules and have told you that they are UNCOMFORTABLE with what you are doing so you should stop doing it for the duration of your say in their house. It's a matter of respect, like not wearing shoes in the house or being polite to your hosts, or even wearing a bra in church. And personally, I would very much be uncomfortable with one of my cousins doing that in my house, despite the fact I'm also a girl. If girls should wear bras all the time is a personal preference but if you are in someones house if they ask you to stop doing something that upsets or irritates them it should be listened to and obliged. If you had listened to their concerns and didn't disrespect their wishes in their house you wouldn't be an arsehole but since you blatantly ignored them you are completely in the wrong and in this situation very rude. Also wouldn't you be at least a bit disgusted if a man didn't have underwear un under their clothes and you could see their bits hanging in their bottoms. It's not sexism, it's respect.

[@Yume03]

@@izzitaylor1396nope I hard disagree she’s not naked and wearing baggy clothes. If a man didn’t have underwear but baggy shorts you wouldn’t even notice and if you did then you’re looking way too closely and in a bit of a weird way xD. We should overall stop sexualizing bodies so much it’s not healthy.

[@Insertia_Nameia]

​@@izzitaylor1396nope. A lotnpf men actually gp commando. It's very common forbguysbto do this. You're only going to notice if your intentionally creeping on them to check.

[@starryskies8445]

@@izzitaylor1396May I just ask...how women literally just existing can be uncomfortable for someone? she's not flashing anyone, she just has a chest, as a lot of women do. it is on OTHERS for, for some reason, being offended that OP has a body. like we all do. not to mention that the whole sexualisation etc. of female breasts is a whole issue in itself. respectfully, i cannot see how person in their own body can make someone feel this way and be in the wrong. not to mention - bras aren't some magical hide-outs. the breasts are still THERE, just in a different shape, so that is somehow...less offensive? nah, in my opinion this is just a buttload of bullshit.

[@trinidadgondi]

I find the YTA comments for the bra thing a little strange. Like, at what point do you draw the line between my house, my rules, and my body, my choice? This is not like simply removing your shoes. It's sexualizing and humiliating to demand someone to wear a bra. I remember being a teen, going to other people's houses, and putting a hoodie over my pajama because I wasn't wearing any bras. If someone had told me anything, I would have been super embarrassed. I feel bad for the family, with one daughter thinking that it's normal not to feel comfortable in your own home and a son thinking that boobs are this super taboo thing. I still wear bras every day during the day (and no, they shouldn't be itchy), and I remember how shocked I was when I moved to another country and discovered that a lot of women don't even do that. If you are so intolerant of what other people do with their bodies that you cannot have that in your home, then maybe don't invite people over. I think that you can ask people to respect your property and treat it the way you like it, to respect your schedule, and to respect you (which is why the racist shirt comparison doesn't work for me since it's insulting to you, the host). But nothing more.

[@ferninthehouse]

yeah, the shoe thing has a reasoning, which is to not get the floor dirty. the bra thing is just trying to control someone's body which isnt okay

[@felisazure1820]

Yep, this is basically what I was thinking as well. Not wearing a bra is not actively harmful towards the members of the house, wearing a bigoted shirt would be.

[@jakeand9020]

Their house their rules, or leave. In this particular situation I would definitely go with the leave option. If you are CHOOSING to stay, follow their rules, however bigoted and/or creepy those rules are. So long as leaving is an option you don't get to decide what rules are valid.

[@izzitaylor1396]

I know I am vastly outnumbered here but in the bra story it is absolutely YTA. It is there house and you are a GUEST. They have asked you to respect their house rules and have told you that they are UNCOMFORTABLE with what you are doing so you should stop doing it for the duration of your say in their house. It's a matter of respect, like not wearing shoes in the house or being polite to your hosts, or even wearing a bra in church. And personally, I would very much be uncomfortable with one of my cousins doing that in my house, despite the fact I'm also a girl. If girls should wear bras all the time is a personal preference but if you are in someones house if they ask you to stop doing something that upsets or irritates them it should be listened to and obliged. If you had listened to their concerns and didn't disrespect their wishes in their house you wouldn't be an arsehole but since you blatantly ignored them you are completely in the wrong and in this situation very rude. Also wouldn't you be at least a bit disgusted if a man didn't have underwear un under their clothes and you could see their bits hanging in their bottoms.

[@gameaccount7704]

The bra one.. hits way too close to home. As a teen, I hated my boobs, esp if they were obvious which a bra makes them imo (later realised I was trans) and due to my autism, I have extreme sensory issues. I couldn't wear a bra without falling into a full mental breakdown, and I had to wear baggy stuff and hoodies just to feel comfortable and not yknow, become a wreck. One year, my mum allowed my grandpa to come stay with us. I had no clue why he wasnt in out lives much at the time, and now I know mum is the type to forgive anyone if they have a family label lol Before he showed up to stay with us for the forseeable future, I was told I would have to forgo baggy tops and a bra would be a requirement because "an unknown man is in the house". A man who was meant to be my grandpa. I tried, but due to above reasons it just led to severe distress and my mum eventually left me be (ofc, not without comments on how much they moved or that I needed to pull my collar up to my neck more). I always felt uncomfortable around him, I felt he stared too hard when I was in the room and commented on my appearance far too often. There's more situations, but frankly i dont want to get to into it. Anyway, few years later I learned that I had a right to feel uncomfortable bc not only had my grandpa got involved with multiple relatives on his side, most of them were around my age (at the point of him staying with us, so like. 12/13) when he 'pursued them'. My parents told me to cover up because they knew my GRANDFATHER would be looking. My family. They felt it was on ME to cover up, not on them to not invite that man into our home (and not even inform me of the danger I was in either). I spent alone time with that man, I went out in his car alone, I didn't have a phone at the time. But they allowed all of that to happen, in the full knowledge of the type of person he was/is. Bc if I just wore a bra and put myself through intense stress, then he wouldnt have anything to ogle at. So, TDLR: No that girl is not the asshole. Why the HELL would family be looking at her in that way and why the hell was it being enabled. Why is the males comfort in the situation more important than theirs, esp when their comfort is laced in misogyny and the inability to idk...not see /family/ in a sexual light, let alone women in general? Why are the women making her out to be the bad guy here when it's literally the men who are sexualising their family member? Also the whole "their house, their rules" thing is total bs imo. People who say that are either controlling asf or have been socialised into allowing themselves to be controlled. Telling people to "just leave if u dont agree" isnt so easy. It could cause rifts, fights, and would label you the asshole for "making it a bigger deal" than it was in their eyes. On the flip side of "just do it then, its not a big deal"..thats like, oof. How do YOU know its not a big deal? Like for me, it would be bc I would end up injuring myself and breaking down within the hour if I got forced to do that at a FAMILY event. And where does the "just do it to keep the peace" thing end? Like where is the line for that? Do I do it for everything? Or is it just the things YOU don't want to make a fuss out of that I should just go along with it for, even if its a big ask for me? sorry if any of this is rambly or incoherant, -w-;

[@cassandrawhite633]

Oh my goodness! How awful of your parents not to warn you at the very least! Hugs if you consent.

[@pheonixrises11]

I can’t believe your parents let him into your house and that he wasn’t in prison. That’s awful.

[@missnaomi613]

I'm so sorry you had to endure that! I wouldn't have let that 💩 into the house with you!

[@katieowlpower]

I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I’m glad and support that you’re accepting that you are not responsible for other people’s action, and have a right to bodily and general autonomy ❤

[@msshellm8154]

Very coherent, and excellent commentary/take! (As for your situation as a girl - your parents were enabling a horrific person, and disgusting behaviour, I am so very sorry that you had to endure it 💜 )

[@gabrieldartemius9940]

The boyfriend is not an asshole, he's just not a good partner. Why do I say this: the girl said she had talked with her bf multiple times and explained her thoughts on getting a dog. We're getting the cliffnotes here but if she can say in a post in reddit that she wants a rescue and that she has investigated EXTENSIVELY about breeds that fit her lifestyle: how on Earth did the bf come to the conclusion that gifting her a bought puppy from a breeder and in a breed she wouldn't like would be a good idea??? He should have all the information to not F up this badly! I'm just baffled that he has the guts to be surprised that this happened and then even angry??????? Like dude. You've clearly not been listening to a thing your partner has been telling you for MONTHS.

[@meep5667]

I'm thinking Greg really wanted a husky 😕

[@gabrieldartemius9940]

@@meep5667 You might have hit the nail on the head xD

[@katieowlpower]

It’s like, he clearly meant well, but he also took the cliff notes version of all the planning she put in, and then was shocked when she was unhappy.

[@TiliaCordata]

He wasn't just surprised. He accused her of sending mixed signals... How is "I want the right breed and I want to rescue a dog" an ambiguous message?

[@Julessa]

@@TiliaCordataright?? It seems like he was blaming her instead of taking responsibility for his mistake.

[@naemiaw]

As everyone I'm hung on the bra story. Just wanted to share that as a disabled/in chronic pain person, I literally CANNOT wear a bra without experiencing pain. I have some relatives that would be the kind to react this way, and I would absolutely tell them either you stop staring at my boobs or you won't see me again. This kind of assholes is not worth inconveniencing yourself to have them in your life. Sure, they're family, and that's why I'll make the effort to come. But if they start policing my body, I'm out.

[@mammoneymelon]

same here. on really good days i wear binders but most days i'll wear an old, loose sports bra AT MOST to avoid as much pain as i can. if someone wanted me to sacrifice the little comfort i have because they think my body is inherently sexual, i'm going to tell them to grow up and stop staring before moving on with my day because they don't know what it's like living in my body

[@elliest55]

I don't get the "their house their rules" side of the argument on the bra story: "house rules" surely do not include private body choices. These choices fall within the remit of personal and bodily autonomy regardless of where you are. The only occasions where "dress code" of such sort applies are formal and institutional settings and even then there's leeway for personal choice, especially concerning *UNDERGARMENTS* (not even graduation ceremonies, which come with long lists of instructions, some of which are from previous centuries, don't explicitly include instructions about underwear). Like, would they say "it's a house rule to shave your legs, so if you haven't shaved your legs you can't stay in the house"? or "we have a house rule of no tattoos, cover them up or you're out"? Bra wearing is not a choice of cultural or religious significance (so it cannot offend anyone on a cultural/religious level, which is why it's not comparable to the niqab example) and there's nothing taboo or sexual about it when the person is actually wearing other clothes on top. I feel the family are just being super super weird, especially to an 18-year old girl.

[@niranjana9060]

Exactly. Although I'll add that the idea of "decency" can be cultural, insinuating women should be a certain way to fit the role, and this can include wearing a bra (without it being actually stated). In that sense it can be cultural, but it DOESN'T make misogyny acceptable.

[@cassandrawhite633]

Also, I was surprised that she didn't mention that the men, her UNCLE and COUSIN, were ogling her! Super inappropriate!

[@HealthyObbsession]

@@cassandrawhite633 as someone who went through something similar but with my ex-stepfather I didn't understand that it was sexual when it happened because we were family it never crossed my mind until this year in therapy😢

[@esf34147]

i think the point is that, yeah, they can have their rules, they can have their opinions, but that doesnt make those rules valid. they can set rules if they want but they cant force ppl to wear something they dont want, and since they werent gonna listen, the only thing op could do was leave. the assholes are op's relatives for having that opinion in the first place, which sucks

[@cassandrawhite633]

@@HealthyObbsession I'm sorry to hear you went through that. Unclear antecedent in my case; I meant Sharma.

[@bambino05]

For the puppy one I feel like people have skimmed over the fact that it's a husky puppy. Huskys require so much work, like the super long walks. That's a lot to just surprise someone with. I know this person said that they are financially stable now and could look after a dog, but a dog is a massive expense, especially to surprise someone with. Pets aren't presents.

[@jaimeknarr1809]

Completely agree. Husky’s are definitely adorable and I was tempted to get one myself but I know that I’m too low energy for them.

[@byecatsstacey7467]

Yes! A Husky is a working dog and if the human associated with them cannot "work" with them in some way, they are smart enough to find "work" on their own, usually the overly destructive kind. They need tons of training, lots of methods to work off the energy - and they need a regular grooming schedule or their health can be impacted by bad hygiene. Plus! Huskies are some of the most talkative dogs out there - which is all fun and puppy games if that is what you want but not necessarily for everyone. Dogs aren't random gifts, ever.

[@liolikesgrass]

I agree ! And may I add : Huskys are dogs who like to be in packs. They need a family of dogs along with the family, so at least one more Husky. Which is even more work, time, energy and noises !

[@claudiakarl2702]

A colleague of mine is training and working with search does. So she’s got a lot of experience with dogs. But she once said that she‘d never get a husky because they would be too much even for her.

[@Zapporah85]

I have a husky mix and I would not wish him on anyone 🤣 Plus, Greg completely ignored her wishes? That would make me angry. She wanted a rescue, you got her a pup from a breeder. She wanted a certain type of dog, you got her something wildly different. I know this seems like I'm jumping to conclusions but if he doesn't listen and then gets angry when you're not happy with the outcome, that's not a man I'd want to be in a relationship with. Also, guarantee that puppy is screwed. No reputable breeder would have sold him that dog, and no back yard breeder will take the puppy back. Poor dog.

[@giordanodsouza9563]

For the bra one if you're a guest in your family's home and they're implying that your braless chest is inherently sexual that's gross and you should probably just leave.

[@Toaster-draws]

Exactly! I thought that was weird while listening to the story. They're are sexualizing her body. I'll never understand why people defend this type of thinking.

[@lottadum1451]

I rarely ever wear a bra. Not in public, not at home, only a sports bra for sport and sometimes for specific outfits where I think it would look better. I also usually wear mostly baggy clothes. At some point I was talking about bras and boob size with a female friend who I had known for roughly a year (maybe a little less). We went to university together so we saw each other multiple times a week. I said something along the lines of 'I don't really wear bras, actually I don't think you've ever seen me with a bra on' and that friend replied 'really? I didn't notice'. So I'm just wondering how much conscious effort this girl's family put into decerning if she was wearing a bra under her sweater? Obviously there are situations where it's more obvious than in others, but still, if you're checking all your visitors with boobs (especially family members!) to see whether they are wearing a bra, you have a problem!

[@BuckyBarnesAndNoble]

That's what I was thinking as well, like how did they know she wasn't wearing a bra if she was wearing a hoodie? How long did they have to stare at her to notice? It's really creepy when you think about it more

[@KaliqueClawthorne]

I could only imaging seeing that someone doesn'T wear a bra when it would be cold or the shirt is very thin so you see the outline of a nipple (I'm a braless person myself) But even than it could be like .... a sportsbra - or a mommy bra or after all just a non padded bra

[@booperdooper9762]

​@@BuckyBarnesAndNoble eeww

[@jame2870]

NTA for the bra one. It's all up to bodily autonomy. I've been forced to wear certain clothes before and remember the shame and discomfort when both wearing and not wearing those clothes. I would leave if it was safe me to leave because I'm over feeling shame about how other people feel about my body.

[@izzitaylor1396]

I know I am vastly outnumbered here but in the bra story it is absolutely YTA. It is there house and you are a GUEST. They have asked you to respect their house rules and have told you that they are UNCOMFORTABLE with what you are doing so you should stop doing it for the duration of your say in their house. It's a matter of respect, like not wearing shoes in the house or being polite to your hosts, or even wearing a bra in church. And personally, I would very much be uncomfortable with one of my cousins doing that in my house, despite the fact I'm also a girl. If girls should wear bras all the time is a personal preference but if you are in someones house if they ask you to stop doing something that upsets or irritates them it should be listened to and obliged. If you had listened to their concerns and didn't disrespect their wishes in their house you wouldn't be an arsehole but since you blatantly ignored them you are completely in the wrong and in this situation very rude. Also wouldn't you be at least a bit disgusted if a man didn't have underwear un under their clothes and you could see their bits hanging in their bottoms.

[@moonface710]

@@izzitaylor1396but why do you/they feel the need or authority to tell someone what underwear they should wear? it’s weird asf. imagine if you told your uncle or male cousin that they need to wear briefs instead of boxers when they visit, do you hear how absurd and creepy that sounds?

[@moonface710]

⁠@@izzitaylor1396also for the last part of your comment: i’d be infinitely more uncomfortable telling a male relative what underwear they need to wear around me, rather than just not looking at their crotch. it’s really that easy. lastly, the cousins reasoning for wanting OP to wear a bra boils down to “our relatives are/might be creepy”, which is stupid to accommodate and cater to that creepiness rather than address it and tell them off or tell them to ignore it. i was actually molested and sexually abused by my uncle, so i know how it is. fortunately my mom picked up on signals from my uncle some of which were sorta similar to this, though i was too young to be wearing a bra or anything), and got me away from him. this may not be the case here, i have no idea, none of us do, but it seems like the cousins are picking up on some bad vibes from the male relatives, but they shouldn’t be putting that onto OP because it’s not her fault.

[@whoahanant]

I don't wear bras either. Tbh people get uncomfortable when women don't wear bras because they sexualize us so much. Nips show through shirts and it's not like men's nips don't sing to the high heavens. Aesthetic wise you look just as weird as a woman but the difference in judging is that we don't sexualize it we just know it's aesthetically not pleasing but I don't feel the need to comment on that because, it doesn't matter. If someone doesn't want to cover them then I'm equal in my treatment of men and women, if men aren't socially required to hide their nips then women shouldn't be either. Period. Free the nips.

[@fallenking578]

I never wear bra, but I'm lucky to be very very small up top (I look flat without a bra), so usually people don't know. My sister is bigger but can't use bras due to sensory issues (it can cause full meltdowns if she wears one too long, plus she has rib slipping). We usually warn people if they point it out about her issues with sensory, but we'd never make her put one on. The other person could just deal if they insisted. We would likely just leave because we aren't risking her health on something so dumb. Undershirt covers as much as a bra anyways, it just doesn't make boobs "shapely" like bras.

[@elisakrivas]

I agree! Plus women sexualize men in the same way. They act like we won’t have some sexual attraction to them being shirtless too, like only they will have their eyes glued. No, the difference is we have self control and don’t reach out to touch like an idiot.

[@arielruby13]

I would return the puppy and the Greg. She said that she wanted a rescue and he has gone and PAID for a dog in a different breed. He got a pet that she did not ask for, at a date not planned for and a full different kind of what she wanted to get. I feel sad for the dog, but hopefull it gets a better home

[@TiliaCordata]

Yeah, seeing some discrepancy in values. Especially since he said she was sending "mixed signals". No, buddy. He clearly doesn't understand what all that means. Wrong breed - maybe she can't provide the husky with proper enrichment - it's such an active breed! Buying a dog instead of rescuing one - clearly not understanding the major difference it makes ethically (which is clearly important to her). Greg needs to rethink some things, and if unable to, possibly should be returned as well...

[@Amycakes7]

​@@TiliaCordataYes, him saying she was sending mixed signals and that she said she wanted a dog but must not actually want a dog simply because she rejected the dog he bought for her -- without running it by her, ignoring the fact that she wanted a rescue, and choosing a breed that wasn't on her list of breeds she felt would be a fit for her -- seems a lot like gaslighting to me. I would get rid of Greg, too.

[@annablue2799]

There are people who dont wear bras at all. Not even out in public. So I think its weird to ask for someone to put a bra on. When there are people outside in public not wearing bras.

[@Serenity_yt]

It would be like telling a man you're uncomfortable with his choice of underpants. 1 why are you noticing that in your nephew/ cousin and 2 wth you cant just tell someone what underwear they should put on you dont see many boxers only households or for women only panties are allowed to be worn here house rules. That's an incredible over reach into a persons bodily autonomy and weird af with them being relatives on top of that.

[@bearo8]

How do people even see that you're not wearing a bra while wearing an oversized dark hoodie when you don't have big breasts? They would have to concentrate on them to realise that in the first place...

[@mammoneymelon]

yeah, it's not like i go around staring at peoples' chests (ESPECIALLY not my family's???) so i can't imagine caring about whether or not someone is wearing a bra

[@dmortal999]

I’m a AMAB Nonbinary person who has breasts and when I don’t feel like wearing a bra, I don’t. Doesn’t matter where I am, like right now I’m at work not wearing a bra. And it’s noticeable when I don’t wear a bra more so than when I do wear one. Sometimes you just don’t wanna wear a bra, and your family has no say on what you wear or not. You’re not their property nor should they be sexualizing you.

[@brianapinvidic9376]

Nta for the bra story. Who gives anyone the right to comment on someone else’s underwear? Yes you can tell when someone isn’t wearing a bra, but if the outline of someone’s underwear was slightly visible because they were wearing leggings, could the host demand that person wear a thong?

[@easjer]

Or, perhaps more aligned with part of the issue - could the host dictate their guest *not* wear a thong, but instead wear full coverage briefs? The answer is no and stop sexualizing people's bodies, ftr. ;D

[@tanyastacy-haws993]

I agree so much with the adoption one. Two of the dogs I’ve adopted have had trauma. It takes a lot of effort to help them past that and to teach them that they are safe. You have to be in the right mindset and prepared to take on that extra responsibility. Rescue animals have a ton of love to give and deserve someone who is willing to put in the effort for them.

[@annemcrowell]

OP should definitely return the puppy. It's emotionally tough, but it's the right call. I think it's so kind and generous to hope that Greg can be redeemed, but I'd return him too and here's why: he cares more about getting OP to want the thing he thinks she should want than listening to her when she says what she actually wants. It really feels like he's presuming to know what's best for her rather than valuing her opinion as an equal partner. That's not a relationship I'd want to stay in.

[@Amycakes7]

Totally agree! And him telling her she's sending mixed signals and must not actually want a dog simply because she wants to return the high-maintenance dog he got from a breeder without even checking with her feels a lot like gaslighting.

[@chloe-fy4wc]

Regarding the second story, for me it’s just extremely unacceptable when someone tries to control my body . Especially if it is about my body being sexualized ( which seems to be the case). So I don’t think OP is the asshole, to me it’s the relatives who kinda are. I also think that your example of “i hate brown people” shirt is really different because it’s an explicit expression of a certain mindset, whereas being braless isn’t ? Although it’s interesting to think about. I thinka closer situation would be that a guest of mine doesn’t wear any underwear. Which I believe to be gross and unhygienic. However I don’t think I care enough? It’s weird for me to contol presentation of others as long as it doesn’t affect me

[@esf34147]

she did say it was obviously a very different example but i think the point of the example was to say "yes, people can be uncomfortable with something you wear, and they can have their rules, but they cant force someone to wear or not wear something they dont want". she went on a big tangeant alksdsalk but yeah

[@Struudeli]

Why is it gross? There's still clothes there? I don't run around other people's homes without underwear so I don't have a horse in this race, I'm just curious what you mean xD

[@esthervanstapele7244]

Honestly, if a guest in your house is not wearing any underwear, how would you even know? I mean, you would if they wear a dress or skirt or wide shorts, but in jeans, you would not even know cause they are still not naked. It's unhygienic, but just for them...

[@miglek9613]

@@Struudeli underwear is there to protect the pants from sweat, bodily fluids, etc so not wearing them removes a degree of protection between the environment and the person. Obviously, in most cases other people can't even know that but with modern clothing it does create situations

[@vallentinac9513]

the bra thing is just 10000% wrong! I don't wear a bra ever, would not be allowed to enter my relatives' house if I were the OP? WTF?!!! also as someone who has been groomed by a relative-in-law... I find it EXTREMELY problematic that the uncle is sexualizing her body and that the aunt is backing it up!

[@vallentinac9513]

also have to disagree on the pet thing... if you can't rescue, than I believe you shouldn't get a pet. breeders should only exist for specialized dogs like service dogs etc.

[@ferninthehouse]

@@vallentinac9513 yeah agreed on both things tbh.

[@am5783]

1000000% agree on both your points! I dont think I own a bra. I have lung issues that ive had since birth and struggle to breathe in non restrictive clothing as it is, if someone told me I HAD to wear a bra id tell them to shove it. Also, I dont have any dogs but my beautiful wonderful cat is a rescue. She was abused horrifically before I got her and had to go on medication for her ptsd and anxiety. Shes the sweetest snuggle bug and whilst she isn't fond of other people, the absolute love she gives me honestly keeps me alive haha. I love that cat more than life and if I were to get another cat I just think its absolutely moronic to contribute to breeders (especially when so many of them are "backyard breeders") when so many wonderful animals are in need of loving homes already.

[@Darcy783]

@@vallentinac9513ere are some breeds that never go to rescues/shelters (and therefore *have* to be gotten from--reputable!--breeders), but people want those breeds because they fit their lifestyles better, even if they're not dogs bred for specialized purposes like dog show dogs, herding dogs, or service dogs.

[@vallentinac9513]

@@Darcy783 yeah, still a no - I don't think we should be breeding animals for our advantage/pleasure.

[@sunflowerspirited4974]

OP is absolutely NTA for wanting to give the puppy back and pick a different breed. Dogs can be twenty year commitments (probably outlasting this relationship let’s be real) and you should absolutely pick the breed for you. Huskies require a ton of energy and attention and they’re very pretty but hairy and LOUD. Grooming alone would cost a fortune. OP sounds like they’ve put a lot of time and energy into research and probably already know what breeds they’re looking for from the rescue, and it sounds to me like the boyfriend didn’t hear a word they said since he did buy the puppy from a breeder instead. Also if the breeder is ethical they’ll happily take the puppy back and rehome them with a more suitable family, so don’t feel bad about the dog themself (even if on the surface it sounds really crappy to send the puppy back lol).

[@NoxBVansyn]

They're also escape artists. My cousin has two and her older one when he was a pup would get out of her backyard and end up across the bridge in the next town.

[@Coco21212]

Regarding the bra story: The idea of “your house, your rules” is really not absolute. I would even say it’s untrue. Owning property gives you the right to choose who can enter your domain, but once they are in your home, you don’t suddenly become the boss of them, “king of land”. If someone says the N word to me inside their own home, I can still take them to court.

[@ninaexmachina]

Absolutely NTA for the bra one. I think there are cases where "their house, their rules" applies, and I did have to think it over for a bit, but I don't think this is one of those cases. It's not about meeting standards of dress, it's about people being uncomfortable with how someone's body moves. If someone's ass jiggled when they walked, would it be appropriate for people hosting them to ask them to wear shapewear to hold it in place? I think the fuck not. (You could apply that to any body part, but I went with the other most commonly sexualized one for maximum comparability.) Bras and shapewear and underwear are all personal choices and it's extremely unreasonable to ask someone to sacrifice their comfort so that nobody else has to witness their body simply existing. The OP was covered up, in an oversized hoodie no less; the only complaint was about their BODY UNDERNEATH IT. It's almost body shaming, honestly. It reminds me of how people will tell fat people they "can't" or shouldn't wear crop tops or skinny jeans. If a skinny person can wear it but a fat person can't, it's a double standard based on what bodies are deemed "appropriate". If someone with a flat enough chest can go braless (movement was the only thing that tipped the family off/made them uncomfortable) but someone with a bigger chest can't, it's a double standard based on what bodies are deemed "appropriate". I know we're not used to looking at it that way but we have to start calling it for what it is if we actually want to destigmatize our bodies - the cultural norms of clothing are one thing, but to dictate how someone looks and moves inside of their clothing simply cannot exist in congruence with the idea that all bodies are good/acceptable/worthy of basic respect.

[@elsop7950]

For the bra one, I think it's just incredibly difficult for people who don't struggle with bras to understand just how big of a deal it is. I've been hounded by others to wear one for so long. I had back surgery as a teen which made all pain from bras worse. Now that I'm an adult I've finally been able to decide that enough is enough. Bras are for comfort and support, if they are not comforting and supporting me, then I will not wear one. Only people who want to wear bras should wear them, that is their purpose. It is their house and they can make whatever rules they want. If it were me, I would just not visit that house anymore. I will not go somewhere that requires me to be in pain for no reason. That being said, I would probably still get called an asshole for never visiting over it, and people would still tell me to just suck it up and/or find my nonexistent perfect bra.

[@laartje24]

Just dropping in here to say that a few of my friends with back problem who had trouble with bra's had better successes with corsets as a support garment. No they are not torture devices like people claim. A proper corset should sit comfortably. It helps support your back and can even help building up core muscles. Anyway do with this info whatever you want. No shame in choosing not to wear any support garment.

[@Corvid2100]

Honestly the only thing Greg seemed to listen to was that OP wanted a puppy. The fact that he surprised her when he knew she wanted to pick one out with one from a breeder when he knew she wanted to rescue with a husky no less one of the most high maintenance dogs makes it seem like he didn’t listen to her at all. Especially since she most definitely has a list of breeds she wanted. Him sulking about it after too just makes him seem kinda iffy

[@alexhika]

I cannot believe people are genuinely conflicted over the second one, if my uncle were invested in my boobs in any capacity I would FLY THE HOUSE and just be sorry they were allowed to raise a daughter 🥲 The whole situation was horrifying. Like someone else said in the comments, imagine the same situation with any other piece of clothing, it would sound crazy. It has nothing to do with respect, your clothes have no impact on other people's life, she wasn't smoking in the house or writing on the wallpaper. She was existing wearing clothes of her choice. I am so sorry and I hope she will manage not to be too traumatised by the situation.

[@mammoneymelon]

SERIOUSLY. my (few) male relatives couldn't care less about whether or not the breast-having people wear bras because they aren't creepy and obsessed with what their relatives wear

[@tabathaalshalhoub1653]

But it wasn’t the uncle who said anything. It was a female cousin. Like, why are so many people judging the uncle?! He didn’t do anything lol

[@izzitaylor1396]

I know I am vastly outnumbered here but in the bra story it is absolutely YTA. It is there house and you are a GUEST. They have asked you to respect their house rules and have told you that they are UNCOMFORTABLE with what you are doing so you should stop doing it for the duration of your say in their house. It's a matter of respect, like not wearing shoes in the house or being polite to your hosts, or even wearing a bra in church. And personally, I would very much be uncomfortable with one of my cousins doing that in my house, despite the fact I'm also a girl. If girls should wear bras all the time is a personal preference but if you are in someones house if they ask you to stop doing something that upsets or irritates them it should be listened to and obliged. If you had listened to their concerns and didn't disrespect their wishes in their house you wouldn't be an arsehole but since you blatantly ignored them you are completely in the wrong and in this situation very rude. Also wouldn't you be at least a bit disgusted if a man didn't have underwear un under their clothes and you could see their bits hanging in their bottoms.

[@firstnamelastname6202]

Shaaba is my favourite person to read AITA stories, cos she is so good at seeing each side of the argument and putting herself in others' shoes. She's just so perceptive and compassionate and I hope to learn to consider other experiences like her

[@thejintymyster6396]

I agree. She's not just jumping to conclusions, but instead being fair and trying to look at the story from an unbiased standpoint

[@drawyourbook876]

For the bra, I get the “their house their rules”, but wear a bra is a very weird rule to have, especially if you are wearing a hoodie. I could understand having “no provocative clothes” rule, but this seems over specific and oversexualizing

[@pheonixrises11]

I don’t even know how they noticed she wasn’t wearing a bra when it’s a hoodie. sure, the boobs won’t be the exact shape bras force them into, but the material is thick enough it shouldn’t be a huge difference, right? It’s so gross that they were thinking about her not wearing a bra so much.

[@CarolAnnEdie]

Yes! Imagine if your relatives required you to NOT wear a bra. This is a no-bra household! Don't be so inappropriate. Bras are lingerie and that's so provocative!

[@violet7773]

Even "no provocative clothing" is a weird rule to have, considering it's her family. It's weird to sexualise your family members

[@amywonderland9297]

I’ve done the same as you and got measured but I still feel incredibly uncomfortable wearing a bra for more than a few hours. Even unwired ones are uncomfortable for me.

[@oceanmythjormundgandr3891]

same, I got measured and while it got better, it is still not an article of clothing I want to wear unless I am going somewhere. For some people bra´s are just articles that escaped hell and got into the human world.

[@esf34147]

i think even with the right measures many ppl simply just don't like it and that's totally valid. would be great to find some support that doesnt hurt or bother you but sometimes it just doesnt happen

[@NoName-qj6zd]

I am truly shocked at the hesitancy concerning the bra one. Not only does the host family can't handle being challenged in what they think is right -- cover up to be ""modest"" and ""good"", as if the person's at fault for being a woman and not fitting with their backwards view. But it is plain misogyny, and no, I shouldn't have to hide my queerness, class, culture and any part of myself, I shouldn't have to abide by discriminatory "rules", even if it's in someone else's home. In theory, you wouldn't morally allow racism just because it's behind closed doors, the same applies to sexism. But then I understand that in practice everyone does what they can when confronted with uncomfortable situations, but OP is definitely NTA. Also underwear is such an intimate thing?? The sexualization is the problem, and on top of that you're asking OP to manage these people's feelings because they get crossed that they can't control what OP's underwear is ?? Of course, I'm not talking for families living in non-western countries that aren't familiar with the concept of women being ✨free individuals✨. My family could never lol. [Also I'm not talking about trans and enby people, everyone can have or not have breasts regardless of their gender 💛]

[@izzitaylor1396]

I know I am vastly outnumbered here but in the bra story it is absolutely YTA. It is there house and you are a GUEST. They have asked you to respect their house rules and have told you that they are UNCOMFORTABLE with what you are doing so you should stop doing it for the duration of your say in their house. It's a matter of respect, like not wearing shoes in the house or being polite to your hosts, or even wearing a bra in church. And personally, I would very much be uncomfortable with one of my cousins doing that in my house, despite the fact I'm also a girl. If girls should wear bras all the time is a personal preference but if you are in someones house if they ask you to stop doing something that upsets or irritates them it should be listened to and obliged. If you had listened to their concerns and didn't disrespect their wishes in their house you wouldn't be an arsehole but since you blatantly ignored them you are completely in the wrong and in this situation very rude. Also wouldn't you be at least a bit disgusted if a man didn't have underwear un under their clothes and you could see their bits hanging in their bottoms. It's not sexism, its respect.

[@Jidashia]

Absolutely NTA for the bra one. Having rules for whether or not there's formal wear would be one thing, but dictating your underwear is too far and not okay. There is just no good justification for it, imo.

[@Psylaine64]

Greg ,, wow he got ANGRY .. not upset that his gift was unasked for? .. just wow I agree with return BOTH!

[@babystaybee]

My opinion on the bra story is basically this - of course you should respect people's rules when you're in their house BUT as a host, your rules should not override someone's basic needs or autonomy, and certainly shouldn't dictate what people wear under their clothes. In my house the baseline rule is respect and that's pretty much it, you can wear what you want, say what you want etc. Another thing to note is that part of the reason the aunt and female cousin asked OP to wear a bra (and it seems to be the same reason they wear bras too), is because it makes the uncle and male cousin uncomfortable... that is your family, and the idea that they are that invested in the underwear, or lack thereof, covering your boobs is just uncomfortable, especially when that is extended to the aunt and female cousin.

[@nibindringiel]

I always wear a bra when around people, it's physically uncomfortable, but big boobs and gravity does a number on the self-esteem. However if my relatives cared about my choice of underwear, I would be too creeped out to stay at their house. That's not normal.

[@caelycat]

I only ever wear a bra when I'm in 'boy mode' and need the girls to be smaller than they are, and that is a VERY RARE occurrence, so if someone told me I wasn't allowed to visit their house UNLESS I'm wearing a bra then I would just never go to their house and if they tried to shame me for it guess that'd just be the end of that relationship, because if they're only going to see me as a pair of boobs I don't want to be around them.

[@Tinkerbell_2319]

On your point about rescues: I 100% agree. My rescue was traumatized by his crate as a puppy, so we have to make sure it’s safe to leave him and our other dogs out and about while we’re gone. We have to make sure there’s nothing harmful out that they aren’t supposed to eat because crating simply isn’t an option. I know that this wouldn’t work for a lot of the fellow dog lovers I know. Rescuing is great, but it’s also pretty complicated. My grandpa’s rescue dog is still afraid of suitcases 15 years later.

[@Anna-yy9so]

Thank you for mentioning that rescuing might not be right for first-time owners! A huge percentage of the dogs in my local shelter system are recommended for experienced owners only. They often have very specific medical/behavioral issues that a new pet parent would be totally unequipped to handle. The most common breeds that tend to end up there are also not right for a lot of owners - lots of labs, pit mixes, and shepherds, which aren't great fits for folks in small apartments, or for lower-energy households. If you're looking to get a dog, definitely give your local shelters a look, but if you don't find a good fit for your family there, I don't think there's anything wrong with going to a good breeder.

[@irismeeow]

omg i can't believe the people who insist that others should wear a bra. none of your business. i'd run and never come back

[@MoonGalleon22]

I think the problem with "my house, my rules" is the lack of negotiation and compromise. I bind my chest for gender and sensory reasons, and I can't wear a bra. If someone said that they're not letting me into their house unless I swapped my binder for a bra, then I would be compelled to refuse...but I know that I would be seen as the overdramatic asshole in this situation.

[@michelle4969]

1st story: Yes, file that police report. As for posting on Facebook if you can be factual and emotionally removed from the situation then yes. This person possibly damaged apartment property and so people should know about what this petsitter does. Stick to the facts of what happened. Not sure if the harassment and spam calls are because you're their friend or not but it is something to add on if they do escalate the harassment.

[@meghantrimble6120]

PSA: Please consider adopting rescue animals. However, if adopting from a shelter not right for you and your family, PLEASE buy your pet from a responsible breeder. A responsible breeder is one that is accredited by a kennel/cat association, is transparent about their breeding program and practices, will allow you to meet the parents of the puppy/kitten, will take you through a thorough application process before they allow you to take any of their animals home, and will provide you with proper paperwork including the puppy/kitten's genetic screening, vaccination records, and kennel/cat association registration papers. My friend fosters for a rescue that takes in old breeding dogs from puppy mills and they are the most broken, traumatized little beings I've ever seen. They are abused in the mills for years and then dumped when they stop producing litters. The puppies and kittens that come out of mills are less expensive than those from breeders, but they're also more prone to dangerous contagious and genetic diseases and are not properly socialized before they're homed. Please adopt, don't shop! But if you do shop, please shop ethically.

[@heatherchapasko2684]

Thank you for the input on adopting pets. I love the sentiment adopt don't shop but for some people they'll find their rescue has more emotional needs that they're not able to provide for. It's a good idea for people to look into what breeds might fit their own lifestyle best, then look into local rescues and breeders before deciding on their new addition to the family ❤️

[@Coco21212]

I haven’t wore a bra for three years and my back and shoulders problems totally went away (I was feeling confortable in them during the day, so I didn’t think my back hurting was related but then Covid happened, and after two months at home without a bra, the pain was gone). Making me wear a bra means hurting myself so that this other person can feel confortable being misogynistic. NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. NTA

[@brookedickson4118]

The bra one is just plain creepy. If anyone is like that to you, please run very far away.

[@maiksowinski1228]

"When you go to their house, you have to follow their rules" is just a really dumb authoritarian argument. Nobody is under any moral obligation to follow stupid rules, and certain things should not be "allowed" to be regulated at all, such as in this case.

[@izzitaylor1396]

I know I am vastly outnumbered here but in the bra story it is absolutely YTA. It is there house and you are a GUEST. They have asked you to respect their house rules and have told you that they are UNCOMFORTABLE with what you are doing so you should stop doing it for the duration of your say in their house. It's a matter of respect, like not wearing shoes in the house or being polite to your hosts, or even wearing a bra in church. And personally, I would very much be uncomfortable with one of my cousins doing that in my house, despite the fact I'm also a girl. If girls should wear bras all the time is a personal preference but if you are in someones house if they ask you to stop doing something that upsets or irritates them it should be listened to and obliged. If you had listened to their concerns and didn't disrespect their wishes in their house you wouldn't be an arsehole but since you blatantly ignored them you are completely in the wrong and in this situation very rude. Also wouldn't you be at least a bit disgusted if a man didn't have underwear un under their clothes and you could see their bits hanging in their bottoms.

[@natterjack478]

bra: WHY DO AFAB PEOPLE NEED A SEPARATE PIECE OF CLOTHING FOR A PART OF THEIR BODY THAT AMAB PEOPLE NEVER HAVE TO WEAR

[@natterjack478]

Like what if someone doesnt OWN a bra

[@natterjack478]

ITS ALSO ROOTED IN MISOGYNY

[@Roanmonster]

Because it provides support..?

[@durabelle]

@@Roanmonster Support for what exactly? I mean sure, if the breasts are big enough to cause discomfort being free, then a bra is the less bad option, but I for one don't feel any need for extra support even when running. I still wear a bra in public in the summer, but in winter a T-shirt and hoodie are quite enough, so I go months without a bra. I just hate all of them, even the softest sport tops always get itchy and uncomfortable after a few hours. (Then again I have big issues with many other garments too, anything that's tight or has seams or doesn't let the skin breathe.)

[@shadows-sweet-embrace]

@@Roanmonster Not to everyone. The point being, it should be a choice.

[@stellablake6200]

I'll be honest the bra one made me pretty mad. 1) Some people will just never be comfortable in a bra regardless of how well it fits because of their body type and/or sensory issues 2) I don't see how a "you must wear a bra at all times because men are around" rule can be in place for any reason other than that people see women's bodies as inherently sexual and I will never be ok with that. It's not my job as a woman to change my behavior so people will stop sexualizing me just for existing 3) I don't think wearing a racist shirt is a good comparison because that's a statement of opinion. A woman sitting there not wearing a bra is literally just a person existing. If another person just existing in their body is too much for you to handle that's a you problem

[@terraresa9469]

Thanks for your thoughts about rescue vs. breeder. I have always felt a little guilty that I chose to get a puppy because I wanted my dog to become an emotional support animal for children that have experienced trauma, so I wanted to make sure I know everything about my dogs fears by always having known them. Tabea is now the most calm and lovely support for the young people at the childcare home I work for, happy to be carried around and put into hoodies, despite not being a small dog. 😅

[@prairieartemis]

Shaaba, I love your approach to the AITA subreddit from a place of learning. It's truly the most enjoyable way to see someone tackle these issues. I know people have commented on changing bras as an option to make OP more comfortable. However I have a friend who has bad eczema and even the most comfortable, best fitting bra causes them issues, so sometimes changing a bra isn't enough to help.

[@pasteldoll7274]

Okay my perspective on the bra story as someone who is afab but in some situations is perceives as a man. I do not wear a binder and I do not wear a bra. You know what times I am asked or told to “cover up” even tho I am wearing a shirt? It only happens when I am persived as a women, I never get that question if I am persived as a man. Hell i have even had a situation where I was told to cover up until I joked about “I am a man so I don’t own bras lol” and suddenly they will perceived my chest as different. It is very much a sexualization towards a women’s body problem. But I would probably also leave if I could, because in general, it is just gross to have that ideal for people.

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

Honestly, the bra one REALLY pisses me out. I don't care if it's their house. Trying to tell women which clothes they're allowed to wear is one thing, but UNDERWEAR?! No. No one gets to tell you what underwear you can and can't wear, that is hugely crossing a line.

[@flarethefox9836]

NTA for the bra one. I would honestly say “everybody sucks here” but how would the uncle know without staring or asking, which is creepy, like am I the only one that notices it? I may have missed something. Also, it’s just your body. They are making women (though I am not a woman) have to dress up to their want. This was similar with another story on AITA where a woman threw away their used pad in their brother-in-law’s bathroom and got harassed since “it isn’t in my guest code”. How? Why? Why is it not fine and why does it bother the uncle? And again, how would they know? Honestly slight incel vibes but BIG mega bitch vibes coming from the uncle.

[@ferninthehouse]

no it is definitely creepy

[@esf34147]

yeah, the bigger issue is: why do these people have those rules and opinions in the first place? yeah, if a host has a rule that makes you uncomfortable you should actually just leave, that's the best for everyone, but we should still examine the bigger issue. it's all about how women and ppl read as women are sexualized for our bodies

[@flarethefox9836]

@@esf34147 also, can the woman even leave? We do not know if she would have a driving license yet or a car, she is just 18. God it is creepy as hell. I hope she can leave.

[@DoorbellQueen]

For the bra story, no, they don’t have a right to tell her she has to wear one

[@janieclaypool9842]

So it’s okay for others to dictate what underwear you have to wear in their house. Yeah, I’m afraid I would have to go home.

[@laartje24]

The "my house, my rules" people/siders of this argument make me even more deathly afraid to wear a binder to other people's houses. And I really didn't need any more reasons to be afraid to wear my binders. I hope I never run into this creepy issue.

[@Goldlucky13]

i dont think i can even tell when someone with breasts is wearing a bra or not?? what a wild situation.

[@thebirdchannelforfans623]

I have to wonder how much they all were staring at her chest, which is weird no matter what but even more so since they are family. Considering what she was wearing, if true, it shouldn’t have been obvious unless they were really staring and analyzing.

[@ghjgme]

I know everyone seems upset about the bra, I am definitely one of them. I used to not understand as a kid why my brothers could walk around in their underwear but I couldn't. This felt similar but even more innocent. Edit to say: I do not wear a bra frequently in public and I do not wear "real" bras anymore. If I didn't wear one that day, what would they do? Force me to go out for one?

[@pmbluemoon]

I love the last question about the dog and not giving pets as presents, I'd b one who would give a "gift certificate/date coupon" for a few visits to local shelters to go pet shopping instead of just popping one into the house. LOTS to be considered when getting a new family furbaby of any kind!

[@les5503]

The brief shoutout to Roly when you read "unhinged" made me smile, I've recently been binging his and Luxeria's collabs and I love them

[@raspberry_t3a]

For the bra one WHY ARE THE FAMILY MEMBERS LOOKING THERE??!! and it's just weird it shouldn't make them feel uncomfortable if that's your family and that they are close enough that she is sleeping over

[@IAmCraftingAgain]

I'm very uncomfortable with the poster's relatives thinking they can make decisions about parts of your body. Bodies are bodies, they are not dangerous (or maybe they're too dangerous!) NTA for that one.

[@albanegauran4283]

For the bra one, I just don't understand how rules of the house would be more important then bodily autonomy I think. It's her body, her choice. if she is uncomfortable wearing a bra, she shouldn't have to wear one .They are in the wrong for sexualizing her (especially the uncle wtf, she is a teenager ?).

[@Spontireb]

It's fine to abide by a hosts rules if the rules aren't plain sexist - forcing someone to wear a bra because it makes the men uncomfortable?! It's outright sexualisation of her body and induces shame over having breasts and wanting to be comfortable.

[@Quile99]

I'm so sorry but the bra thing got me absolutely irate. It isn't just about peoples' house rules etc, it's about the constant policing and objectifying of women's bodies (that leads to actual violence). If someone reacted to my fully covered body like that and decided to basically dehumanize and sexualize me just because I chose not to wear a certain type of underwear I would leave asap, not because I don't want to comply to their rules but because they are being misogynistic assholes. I feel very discouraged about the op getting so many yta votes :(

[@jrocknpoppingirl]

"Their house, their rules" I feel only works if the guest has already agreed to the rules. If I showed up at a family member's home and spent several hours with them before they said "oh by the way, we have this rule in our household that you are currently breaking" I would probably ignore the rule as politely as I could because I never agreed to follow that rule and clearly it must not have been a big deal for it not to have been addressed before then. And the reason that families don't make this kind of rule known beforehand is because of what it signals to everyone else - that these men should not be trusted around people perceived as women, regardless of familial relation. There's a reason is topped having friends over in high school and moved out of one of my family member's homes (child of divorce here). I never told anyone about it at all until 2 years after I was safe from the threat of what was happening in that house and how it was condoned by others. Instead of subjecting my friends to uncomfortable situations like this, I just stopped inviting them over and still felt like a rude/bad friend because I'd moved to a different state with a different parent and only came back for weekend custody visits and would only see my friends outside of that house all-together. I'm not saying that there was definitely something happening within the case of OP's story but it definitely puts enough hairs on the back of my neck up that I immediately want to protect them.

[@TiBunCosplay]

As an AFAB enby, I don't even own a bra. I will wear a tank top or binder (depending on how I feel that day) if the top I wish to wear is thin or otherwise revealing of what is underneath, but home or not, most days I wear a baggy top where that isn't needed because I prefer to be comfortable. No one has EVER asked me if I was wearing a bra or told me my lack of a bra makes them uncomfortable. And if someone did notice and decided to comment I'd tell them to touch grass. The only person who gets a say on if someone wears a bra is the person in the body the bra would be on.

[@fshbulb1]

Thanks for talking about how intensive rescue animals are. It breaks my heart how often people get suckered in by the cute animal at the pound/rspca and don't educate themselves on just how much work needs to go into a rescue. Having worked in a veterinary clinic, it can also be dangerous for staff and other animals if the owner doesn't know how to handle an animal with trauma. Additionally it's traumatic for many who work in vet clinics when owners end up deciding to euthanise the animal because it's too much and for some reason won't consider returning/surrendering the animal back to the shelter. It's just a bad time for everyone.

[@shirleyjeanpilger3482]

Bra - no way! I didn't wear a bra EVER for 40+ years anywhere. If my uncle and cousin had acted like these, I would not have stayed there. The thought of them sexualizing me in this way would have made me far more uncomfortable than they could ever feel.

[@alpinethistle]

The dog story hits dozens of points on how NOT to get a dog. There are many reputable online resources to support finding your best breed, breeder, breed rescue, or rescue!

[@lukephantoms]

The Bra story really makes me angry. This is not a question of respect or doing the right thing in someone else's house; it is a question of bodily autonomy. A person with breasts has the right to wear or not wear a bra wherever and whenever they choose. House rules are things like 'don't eat on the lounge', not 'you must make choices about your body based on what I want'. As an anecdote, I wear binders and if I am starting to feel pain I take it off no matter where I am and if someone where to take offense to that I would leave and honestly it might end a relationship because that person should care about my health and comfort more than seeing my chest as a sexual object.

[@durabelle]

About Husky pup and Greg: I'll raise another point that wasn't mentioned. From the legal angle dogs are property, and if said pup is from a reputable breeder and registered to Greg, that may cause huge issues later even if the OP decided to give it a go and got attached. Not sure of their relationship status, but in case of a nasty breakup down the line she couldn't do anything if Greg just decided to keep or get rid of the dog out of spite. Personally I need to have my name in the papers or at least have a written contract on what happens to the dog in case the relationship doesn't survive. I'm surprised if Greg has done it properly. Having said that I think it would be best to return the puppy as young as possible if he came from a good breeder. Finding a new home is so much easier then for the breeder, and they may even have good home candidates that were left without a puppy from this litter. If the puppy is from a puppy mill though, then find a new home. Too bad for Greg for wasting all that money, but the OP never asked for such a huge gesture. Keeping the puppy out of guilt would be much worse for both the pup and their relationship than being honest about her feelings and taking the puppy back. If Greg can't understand, he's likely to not understand many other things either, as this level of communication failure is frankly just appalling. Keeping the puppy would give a wrong message. Unless Greg wants to keep the puppy for himself, take care of him etc. as that's obviously his right. Maybe he's gotten more attached?

[@zephyrthorne266]

There are people who don't even own bras. Would they be expected to purchase a piece of clothing to visit their extended family in op's scenario? Yikes

[@emmafischell622]

With the rescue pet thing, I just wanted to note that rescues often have baby kittens and puppies whose mothers were rescued and were born at the shelter. If people don't want to have a pet with trauma or difficulties, there are still some great pets for them that they can get without going to a breeder!

[@I2345-t9e]

As an absolute bra hater who NEVER wears bras, except for workouts, if anyone felt entitled to force me into a bra, I would never step another foot in their home. Absolutely nobody can force me into a bra.

[@nannagwen]

I ditched the bra like 3 years ago, the only time I would wear one is if my top is a little see through or thin fabric when I’m leaving the house (rarely wear these tops for this reason) the only time I would do this in my house would be if my grandfather was there (he’s super feminist and awesome and doesn’t care, simply for my own comfort) shouldn’t be an issues for anyone to wear a bra or not wear a bra, it’s for your own comfort

[@v_is_geeking]

I just appreciate you so much, Shaaba. You always approach things in such a nuanced manner, always open to hearing opposing perspectives and reexamining your own, but also not afraid to stand firm and assert your experience. I find it really hard to walk that line between extending empathy to those in opposition and knowing that I am within my rights to defend my own feelings. (I'm particularly thinking about conversations with homophobic family members--I'm in my 20's and closeted until I move out, but I also only realized I'm queer in the last four years and used to be exactly the same way, so I know how hard it is to break away from that mindset.) ANYWAY, you are such a fantastic role model to me, and I appreciate the mix of understanding and assertiveness that you exude on your channel. Much love to you and Jamie from Illinois. xx

[@moonface710]

YES!!! that last point Shaaba made about breeders and rescues is so on point!! thank you!! i got my dog from a *reputable* breeder for many reasons (mainly because i got her to be an emotional support dog for my anxiety so she needed to be a really specific temperament, so rescues would be iffy), and i’m always so scared to tell ppl that we used a breeder. i’m totally all for rescues and i hope to rescue a few dogs in the future, but there are ways to buy from a breeder ethically and there are good reasons people might want to.

[@raspberryitalia3464]

Relatives sexualizing body? Right in front of my salad? It's a no from me

[@lisasmith8272]

8:42 But what is disrespectful and disgusting about not wearing a bra? It's the males being disgusting

[@Jamie_L.]

The bra story is incredibly ridiculous. NTA. As a trans dude with a (unfortunately) very big chest and still looks afab, I never ever wear a bra. Not anywhere. Not home, not stores, not at others houses, not school, not at a theme park (And for the record, i dont bind either). NOBODY has ever once complained to me except maybe my mom once or twice for *vanity* reasons, not because its “indecent”. Nobody should be controlling your clothes, much less your damn underwear. The only reason for anyone to control your clothes is if it has literal hate speech/symbols or gore or some shit, or is *intentionally* sexual in an explicitly nonsexual environment.

[@sarahelmore83]

Anytime someone says they are playing devil’s advocate, I am reminded about this- the devil has enough help without additional advocating on their behalf. It is absolutely weird to demand a female visitor to a house wear a bra BECAUSE HER UNCLE & MALE COUSIN ARE LOOKING AT HER CHEST & BEING CREEPS. It doesn’t matter who’s house it is. This isn’t like not wearing shoes in the house. This is about men being freaking creeps.

[@CoMorbiditty]

On the first one. I had a friend I knew for 30 years. Most times, I was usually non confontational, went along with most things mostly cos Im too anxious to speak up. The one time I did put my foot down with some pretty bad behaviour that was the end of our friendship and Ive never heard from her again. Dont let people push your boundaries.

[@Rounded_Utensil]

I have 2 wonderful cats who we adopted from a shelter. While some rescue animals (especially the older ones) may have trauma, a lot of kittens and puppies at shelters were just found as strays (at a young age). I also totally agree with the point about not getting pets as suprise gifts. I believe if you wish to do that, instead of getting the pet as a gift, gift the person something for the pet. (A dog collar, or a cat tree, ect) and then take them to a shelter to choose their pet.

[@cheriestl]

Dog story/Another consideration. Getting a specific breed as a rescue is often an option as there are many organizations that re-home specific breeds. The carers often know the dog really well because the dog has stayed in the carer’s home.

[@dianajones4639]

Thank you for your statement about breeders not being a “bad” option!! I fully support breeders, after learning so much about how a lot of rescues actually support puppy milling. (Essentially, because places still take in the pups, the mill can keep breeding and finding places to “rescue” them”. I prefer a breeder where they have taken the upmost care, and that if I were not able to have the dog anymore at any time in it’s lifespan, it has to be returned TO THEM, I can’t give it away. In my ideal world rescues wouldn’t have to exist because breeders would provide dogs and take back ones without homes. (And they could still breed without just purebreds, in case anyone comes at me for that. I’m not a “purebred world” person). Also, puppies from a recuse CAN be totally fine, but it’s a gamble. If you get them at 10-15 weeks, sure, maybe they aren’t traumatized. But any other dog really can be! I have other pets (birds) I have to care for and worry about their safety- so I want a young puppy that I can teach from day 1 to NOT get near themselves

[@bellablue5285]

When I got my dogs, I had to go with a breeder because the rescues in the area require multiple years of established history with a vet. Which, yes, great idea in theory, but when the pets that I'd spent the last decade plus caring for were in my parent's name, that doesn't count, and left me as not a viable adopter until I could establish those multiple years of history. The people I bought from were extremely invested, and before they'd even agree to sell to me wanted to know who my vet would be, what food I planned to use, what my house and yard were like, and other type questions to make sure that it was an at least decent environment and that I wasn't just getting a puppy on a lark. They also gave me a stack of paperwork when I actually did the pick up. I think their male finally passed (this was 12+ years ago) so they no longer have puppies, which is a bit of a shame because they were one of the few good breeders in the area.

[@capturingsol]

Honestly with the bra one it's not even a matter of 'YTA' or 'NTA', they're FAMILY! They shouldn't be looking at you like that AT ALL!

[@dilettantical]

One issue regarding the bra situation is people referring to it as them having a “rule.” A rule implies that it is clearly defined, but “you have to wear a bra here” was not something they told her ahead of time (in which case she could have made a better informed decision about whether to stay over at their house). Plus, I feel like a “rule” should be something everyone in the house has discussed and can articulate to guests-but I doubt that the two men in the house would have been willing to tell her what rule she was breaking, or that they ever actually had a family conversation about it being a rule.

[@xotbirdox]

Bras have always felt uncomfortable for me. I literally got measured and they're still uncomfortable. In the time since I was measured, I've been diagnosed as autistic though so that may be the problem tbh (i.e., maybe it's sensory issues). Bras are just SO uncomfortable and even painful at times for me. I never wear one, despite being an E cup. I would rather die than have to wear a bra everyday. Even in public, I don't wear one. Absolutely NTA, nobody should be forced to wear a bra. Cis men do not know what it's like and how uncomfy/painful it can be for some of us people with boobs.

[@elianwolfert3879]

So many people are blindly and aggressively pro-rescue while in many cases it is not the best case for the people and the animal! Especially when it comes to dogs, many rescue dogs have special needs and are not easy dogs. My first dog was a shelter rescue, and I adored her but she was not a suitable dog for most people. I managed her fine but did decide I wanted an easier dog next and decided on a puppy of a certain breed, of a type that doesn't show up in rescues or shelters either so rescuing was not even an option. Ended up rescuing a dog anyhow, but the puppy is still coming too. ;) From a reputable breeder, health tested and everything. Oh and that people still give pets as surprise gifts blows my mind. What the eff.

[@nanireid1018]

I’m so glad this became a weekly thing, it’s my favorite

[@torib796]

Shaaba I adore you! You have the best perspective and always come from a place of fairness and groundedness

[@jaynaneeya]

If someone around me was wearing an oversized hoodie I don’t think I would notice whether they were wearing a bra or not. Why were her relatives staring at her chest? Normally I would say follow the rules of the house, but what sort of household has rules about guests’ underwear???

[@UvThe1st]

The bra one is so interesting and I think we need more context around why they are asking that. Going down an underwear thought, if someone asked you to take your shoes off in their home, you would oblige right, but if someone told you to take off your shoes and socks... it would be a little weirder. Likewise if someone asked you to put on socks. Are they asking because of sexualised reasons "the female body is sexual and there are men here" or is it a "in this house we do this". If it is anything related to the fact the men are uncomfortable, girl - run. If it's a 'dress-code' then wear the bra. Just seems weird, like people don't go to a formal party and the host goes: "you wearing period pants? If so, gtfo." cause like what?!

[@kellyl13]

The only with your last point is that pure bred dogs are technically inbred, which is why experts say go to a shelter.

[@laynasnow8550]

I have a similar brainfart as you Shaaba regarding the bra issue. No one should have to wear a bra, but its hard to say to ignore all house rules if they don't suit you.... But taking it a slight step further, if she didn't wear a bra normally and then she went there to stay, would they have made her bring one to put on when she entered the house? I agree with following the rules of the house but I think it would be a better conversation to figure out why the rule existed to see if there was a workaround. having house rules for the sake of rules isn't helpful if you don't knw why you're following them. In the case with the racist shirt, the shirt isn't the problem, the racism is. they could change their shirt, but they'd probably still be racist and do/say racist things while over. I'm conflicted as you are.

[@Serenity_yt]

Im fully NTA in this one case because we're talking about underwear choices in this case. If the family had a formal clothes rule sure then OP would be ta you cant just throw all the rules over Board you're still the guest but underwear? Seriously how did they even notice while sitting down and eating when she was wearing a hoodie overtop that she wasnt wearing a bra? Would you tell a man, that's you Cousin/Nephew that was just wearing Jogging trousers without pants on to the same dinner to put them on because in your family there's a rule to wear pants under your trousers at all times? Your answer is very likely going to be no it's not your business he's wearing trousers and you're not going to inspect your Cousins crotch enough to actually notice.

[@kismetcaffet9862]

Op with the birthday husky isn't wanting "a dog," they are wanting to be a responsible dog owner. There is a huge difference between "wanting a dog" and making the commitment that OP is making to their future family member.