NEVER call me a golddigger ✨ r/AITA

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[@jaroneller1525]

the audacity of that fiance from the second story claiming he was just "an innocent bystander" in that scenario. girl, that man goes straight in the bin.

[@sebastiankalstrom237]

dude like wtaf do some people think... wild

[@sadrainy]

The fact he says he's innocent bystander in 2nd story made my teeth grind - he hasn't been innocent since the beginning, by letting such disrespect from his family persist, and especially in that last dinner.

[@SlothDaan]

Yes!! Excactly this! He doesn't understand that being a bystander is no option.

[@AnnaEmilka]

exactly. silence makes you complicit

[@janine2957]

crazy to call himself an innocent bystander like dude the only reason she's there is you???? imagine if he was taking his girlfriend to see his friends ans they start saying some mysoginistc shit and he's like "not my problem" like she is in this situation bc of you???? if you know your family is shit you could not make her go to see them or at least support every response she has, what a coward

[@lucyhawkins917]

I grew up being taught how to step in to solve a problem rather than being a bystander. This is more helpful because no talk or assembly is going to make a bully stop bullying but bystanders are not so strongly rooted to one side and more likely to rethink.

[@SLYKM]

That fiance has no honor. If he wanted her to keep his secret, he also had to defend her.

[@UvThe1st]

Did the fiances mum never receive gifts from anyone?! Is that woman so deprived that she doesn't know what a gift was?! ffs

[@lammieshipper]

FR

[@zoemacpherson2701]

It feels like she may have done the same to the other girl.

[@Soilfood365]

Story number two just gives vibes of throw the whole fiancé out, ma'am. Sure, people can be in poopy emotional places but that doesn't justify becoming an angry man-baby because your facade of being some 1950's ideal got knocked over.

[@roccafille]

😂

[@barrylangille3523]

The first one about Mom wanting the boss's number. Her son flips out when she's insistent and I wonder how controlling she really is? It suggests this isn't an isolated incident and she's one of those "he'll always be my baby" types.

[@symbungee]

Also, I'm not sure about how businesses run in other countries, but in Australia, employees provide 2 emergency contact numbers to their employer just in case anything really bad happens to them whilst at work. It doesn't go the other way. That's weird.

[@imnotcrazyimINSANITY]

@@symbungee that's pretty normal here in America too. every place I've worked has asked for an emergency contact. if there's a real emergency, my boss would call my dad, not the other way around

[@MichiruEll]

Also, it's not like the restaurant doesn't have phone number available on the internet. She can just call the restaurant if really necessary.

[@lemoncardboard3270]

also, wouldn't she probably have his number? She may want to try to call him first.

[@capturingsol]

@@MichiruEll The problem with that, as someone who had to deal with this situation in the past, is that the restaurant number is not there for personal calls. It's not there for her to check up on her baby whenever she worries. It's a business number. If there's ever an actual problem, the employer or her son would contact her, not the other way around. It also makes your employers regret hiring you because the business is being interrupted for no actual reason, and it's embarrassing and infuriating.

[@megmurry5904]

Being a bystander, doing nothing and watching while others are hurt when you have the ability to help, is not innocent.

[@samjensen392]

That’s not the kind of situation where you can simply be a bystander. My guy, that is your *fiancee,* you don’t get to just sit back and watch her get shat on

[@KierstenMB]

Something the mum in the first video could have done is ask that her number be put down as an emergency contact number. As an adult she knows we all get asked to give an emergency contract number to our employers. She could have been honest with her son and told him she was feeling anxious about him starting work and that she would feel better if she was his emergency contact. I don't get the impression he wants her to worry. So, he probably would have been open to putting her number down as an emergency contact. The fact she's bipassing systems she definitely knows about makes me she is being a bit of an arsehole. It's fair to assume she's her husband's emergency contact. I doubt she has his boss's number though. I agree she's probably just being over protective. However, it's manipulative to use worst case scenarios as a way of getting someone to adjust their boundaries. It's pretty messed up to use fear to get your own way whatever the circumstances.

[@blaireshoe8738]

I'm wondering if she actually runs her own solo business, or is retired, or something where she just hasn't had to fill out emergency contacts as an employee in so long that she forgot it was/is/should be standard practice. It's like the idea didn't even come into her mind. I can't think of a single emergency where SHE would be calling HIM (much less his boss if he can't pick up the phone) where there is actually anything he can do about it in the moment. "Grandma died" great, now he can stress about it for the rest of the day. "Grandma is in the hospital" great, could have been a text, now he has to worry about her until his shift ends so he can go see her. If an accident occurred in the workplace, she's the one who needs to be *getting* called, not doing the calling, surely.

[@perplex777]

I can sympathise with the daughter in the last scenario to a degree. My dad died when I was 7 and my Mum kept my life and home really stable for the next few years. As I was approaching sixth form, she broached the subject of relocating to be closer to my grandparents. I could see the rationale behind it, and the opportunity for me to go to a great sixth form in the new city was a factor in her thinking. But I couldn’t stop my emotional reaction any time the subject of moving / selling the house came up. I felt really guilty as I knew it was probably best for my Mum if we were to move, but I was experiencing genuine trauma at the thought of leaving. Tears would literally stream down my face uncontrollably so there was no way I could hide how upset just the concept of moving was making me. ( I don’t think it was just the house in my case, as I would also have been changing schools and moving 2hrs+ away from my friends). In the end, I didn’t get into the sixth form and so we stayed in the house for another 2 years. It was still really hard to leave the house where I had memories of my Dad when she did eventually sell, but I was going off to Uni and I wanted my Mum to do what was best for her in the next chapter of her life. I think the advice for the daughter to speak with a therapist was good, as you would hope that her having flown the nest and about to marry would be enough for her to find it within herself to support her Mum despite the significant emotions. As she seems unable to do this independently, some professional help might be needed to help her deal with the change.

[@titanofserpents4315]

I relate to the story too. At the beginning of the year we had to move away from the house I had grown up in. I had never moved before. It was really hard on me. I mean, we moved to a house that's only a couple minutes away, but still, it was hard for me to leave that house.

[@JankoWalski-hz3lu]

I totally get you not wanting to change school and the sentiment with the old house but I think the case here is the child not anymore living in a family house. It's probably the first time I was like "Shaaba, pls stop", bc the mum already signed up for providing the safe space for her daughter in case she wanted to return to mum's. Just not the same building. I kind of get that but it's not her business where the mum wants to live.

[@lowbatterylifestyle7025]

I love how compassionate you are towards the daughter in the last scenario, while still respecting the mom’s needs. Great video!

[@Corvid2100]

In the first story the sons reaction makes me think the mom has done stuff like this before. It seems like he knows she won’t listen hence refusing to speak with her

[@ambercloud]

For me the brother who told everyone he took care of the family when he didn't grinded my gears badly. For the last 9 or so years I have been the main support for my grandmother. I have eds and a lot of other conditions (think Jessica Kellgren Fozard) and I use a wheelchair. I visited multiple times a week, I make sure she has the food and support and company she needs. Then we have my aunt and uncle. They live in our city too, unlike me they have income (multiple successful businesses), able to drive and good health. They tell everyone in person and all over Facebook that they are the only support to her and do everything for her right up to helping financially (nope) and until recently they had everyone fooled. Grandma has in 9 years had multiple operations and illnesses where I was her only support as our family is scattered generally. Grandma isn't on Facebook and wasn't aware of the lies, since I showed her she and I have been pointing out to everyone else that the arsehole aunt and uncle haven't seen her in 6+ weeks and who is actually pulling weight. But for nearly a decade I've had to deal with having the whole family belittle my health issues and treat me like trash for being unable to work and even for not doing enough to help Grandma! I help out Grandma because I love her and we're incredibly close but they just want some sort of pat on the back and glory without doing anything or even seeing her. I will never not be angry at them for it all tbh (sorry if there's typos, I wanted to share and have now gotten to the point where I've run of out spoons entirely.

[@aileencrain6558]

I know for me disrupted plans are a huge trigger. Even if the new plan isn’t an issue, the fact that it was supposed to happen one way and then it didn’t can easily give me a panic attack. And I’m thinking ‘disrupted plans’ like I was going to wear my shirt with flowy sleeves but it was in the wash and I couldn’t. For something as big as a childhood home being sold early… If she’s managing her mental health well she should be able to process it eventually. She shouldn’t have lashed out at her Mama, but it takes time and maturity to realize that, especially in the moment where it feels like the ground is shaking and you can’t breathe.

[@starparodier91]

My boyfriend and I are getting very serious and both of our families are well-off and we actually grew up 3 mins away without knowing each other until this past year when we started dating. I decided to move back in with my parents just over a year ago to help them out with their animals and to save money for buying a house. Unfortunately I’d forgotten how toxic it is to live with them so I’ve been out of work for a bit now because I’m so anxious and several huge life events have occurred just in the last two months alone. I’m terrified of not being good enough for my boyfriend’s parents but they’ve been nothing but kind, understanding and supportive. We’re both autistic so they 100% understand our minds are a bit different and have been actively helping me to be able to work again. I can’t imagine being with someone who wouldn’t stand up for me and would let their parents demean me.

[@DragonFae16]

I suspect that with the third story, the daughter would have negatively reacted no matter when the house was put on the market. Which would mean that the only way to keep the daughter happy would be to never sell the house.

[@samantharose7951]

With the last one, I think it would have been prudent to discuss the choice with the daughter before putting it on the market. Just giving her a heads up might have smoothed the way a little instead of her finding out through a third party.

[@lowbrass.spirit206]

Idea for the third one, since the older daughter has that emotional connection to the house (and possibly the younger?) maybe mum could make a little momento out of it to take with them? Ex: replacing the locks and turning the old keys into a piece of art or an ornament for them to keep wherever they move. I agree with what you said Shaaba.

[@Silverwing28]

I would say the last story is a No Arseholes Here situation. For the same reasons you said.

[@sneakylemon8513]

Oh my word... that first one. I had recently moved back in with my parents, they had been living overseas for about 2 years and sometimes we'd go weeks without speaking just because we were busy getting on with our lives... but yeah then I got a job at a hotel. The one night I told them I was going to be late and that my phone was going to die. As I pull I to my street on my way home i see my dad and my brother driving past. They turn around and say they were going out to look for me and when i got home my mom was on the phone to the hotel. It was SO embarrassing... 😳 like why?? I know I was late but dude... it's the hospitality industry, shit happens...

[@Lucifersfursona]

“I asked him to give me his boss’s number” I have a parent like this and they had to be told (tbh both of my parents) by a family therapist we need to unhook from the codependent relationship we have. I have like, multiple disabilities I’ve had my whole life- my parents’ helicoptering and sheltering didn’t help much but it’s a little easier to understand why they were so cautious. Idk op’s kid but holy shit it feels so patronizing and it did actively stunt my ability to know how to handle problems on my own. I have no idea how NTs and/or allistics deal with like. Anything. Because I’ll never know that 😂 but omg that sounds just so exhausting. I know it’s so exhausting. “My fiancé does nothing to stop it” the only way this will make sense is if those parents are so emotionally etc. abusive he can’t safely stand up to them (even if that danger’s on a personal level. That’s real shit :/ ) but if he’s just vibing with his family Meghan Markling his fiancé ... that’s a really serious conversation you both need to have about whether this relationship can go forward.

[@Lucifersfursona]

“Sorry but you’re simply too poor to date my son” “Ma’am this is a Wendy’s” Okay so I was expecting panic not anger. Okay Uhh leave him. Trash. Throw him away. “Unfortunate circumstances” if your whole family is so catastrophically classist you being able to drop the big jewelry dosh while unemployed disappoints them so deeply they cut him off from thanksthieving... *_damn_* throw the whole family away you cannot fix whatever is happening there. They can afford therapy 💀

[@Lucifersfursona]

If the partner had had... like I don’t even think that’s a split with the context I have. Like even in an anger split he would’ve been able to recover and be able to have that conversation. And tbh where I’m at is if you can’t do that after a split where you get irrational trying to defend yourself from just like, what Bpd reduces to PAIN STIMULUS BAD. FIGHT. FLEE. you probably most likely definitely are not ready to be in a serious 1:1 relationship. And that’s okay. And I am being charitable in my mind by assuming there’s something going on with his health that would not excuse but help explain his behavior. Bc if he’s just like that (from being around those parents tbh but) I got nothing

[@Lucifersfursona]

“my brother is just deadass lying about supporting our entire family financially when I am stable enough to cover both myself and contribute to my parents’ stability” but like WHY THOUGH🌝 what Just watched a whole hbomberguy about this

[@Lucifersfursona]

“My child’s mental illness has traumatized me” hey no offense or whatever and sorry for your loss but 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I guess I get what she’s trying to say... but hearing your parent yell “no I didn’t traumatize you, you traumatized ME” and then reading in like actual trauma healing books that that’s, in the way i experienced it at least, not a thing that can like. Happen in that way. Idk it’s not that parents can’t talk about these experiences but it kind of feels pale in comparison to being the kid hearing your trauma “traumatized your parents” like... TMI; Like were y’all so traumatized by splitting at me when I was a tiny child or was I. Was it more traumatic for y’all or me when y’all called my Snicidal windup exhausting attention seeking. Like who was really dealing with trauma when he was locking himself in the laundry room looking up d3ath methods on Quora n y’all were upstairs having a cry🌝 like I know adults can be hurt and traumatized and scared by things children do I just can’t be there for it like that

[@Lucifersfursona]

“She’s a psych major and doesn’t like business” relevant where tho lmao

[@lordmaymayofsharklanda8180]

One of the first things they say in relation to bullying is that a bystander is not much better then the perpetrator (about the second story) like he had no respect for op

[@grutarg2938]

When a loved one has a mental illness, you have to be OK with sometimes doing the things you need to do even if it is a trigger for them. The mom seems to have made the right choice for herself. The daughter is entitled to her feelings, and again I hope she has good supports for those feelings as they are probably very intense & complex. Change is never easy, and the daughter has several changes happening at once. It sounds like the family has pretty good communication so I hope they can continue to talk it out.

[@heidinaegele19]

2nd story, girl!! Leave him!!

[@Vox-Multis]

The husband's family in the second story sounds like a real piece of work (husband included, of course). What kind of family disinvites a member from Thanksgiving for losing their job?

[@dragondoodles78]

The first AITA sounds like my mom. I turned 18 this year and she expects me to go to college, get a job at the same place as my dad, and live with them the rest of my life. I HATE THIS SO MUCH. It drives me crazy.

[@nubs9895]

I completely feel where the daughter is coming from. I went through a lot of trauma as a child and moved so many times, sometimes changing who I was living with, but the one thing that was always constant was my grandparents and their house. They lived in that house since my dad was a child. They'd been together since they were teenagers. It was my safe place amidst all the chaos and I even ended up living there for a time. My grandma passed last year and from that moment, despite Grandpa still being alive and living in that house, my whole world has felt so different. Going to visit him without her there still feels surreal and my mind knows something isn't right. Losing that consistency and security has been soul breaking, but I also understand that what happens next is not up to me. I have to deal with my own mental health (which has taken a nosedive) and I hope that the daughter seeks out the help she needs. This is such a difficult situation for all involved and I don't really think anyone is the asshole.

[@heartofstars13]

I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your grandma-you clearly love your grandparents a lot, especially since they were and continue to be a secure support system for you. I’m so glad you had that, and I hope you and your grandpa find comfort in being together still, no matter what happens with the house. My grandma is selling my grandpa’s farm right now, so I completely understand all the nuanced feelings in transitioning during loss. Sending you big hugs and healing moving forward

[@nubs9895]

@@heartofstars13 Thank you for your kind words and I sorry for your loss as well. Hugs and healing to you.

[@blackstardust1674]

The last one reminds me of one of my all time favorite quotes from one of my all time favorite shows. "You are worth more than what you can give to other people, you deserve love too"

[@gvendurst]

Great quote, great show

[@blackstardust1674]

@@gvendurst I wish more people would see how good the show is and the quality and nuance of the writing.

[@ElizabethMidfordHatesCops]

I think the mom in the last one should have had a talk in person with her children about it. We still have my mother's car because I'm not ready to get rid of it. She's not here to consent to her stuff being sold or given away, and I just don't think I could do it. But if one day there was a discussion about the car needing to be sold, it would make for an easier time to grieve over that. But just being texted "Hey, this thing is happening." would not be helpful and would give no sense of closure. The mom is still definitely not the asshole, but the way she relayed the message could have been better.

[@marieugorek5917]

"Okay, sweetie. Clearly you have not learned the difference between direct and indirect communication. I am sorry that this lack of awareness resulted in me bringing up a fact in a way you would have preferred not to have it revealed. I am also very sorry that you don't have the sort of relationship with your family where you can be open with them about your job situation in advance so that these things don't happen. I think this combination of red flags indicates that you are not really ready for a committed relationship."

[@stellaluna6421]

Family in number two is definitely showing classism and seem to think they're better than other people based on money, to the point that they're berating their son for losing a job. (and you can lose a job despite doing nothing wrong and it can still take months to find a new one-nothing moral or immoral about that)

[@maaikehersov8444]

With the last story, I am actually in a similar situation to the daughter where my house back home is being sold by my mom but it holds a lot of sentimental value about by dad. I also understand the emotional toll of what feels like loosing a last connection to a person as well as what you know as home but I think there is a certain compassion that is to be had for the parent in the situation it do feel that it is something to be discussed because although legally it is the moms house, emotionally it was all of their space.

[@chloe-fy4wc]

Second situation is just terrible. She should just run

[@heartofstars13]

That last one hurt, man. The physical spaces people occupy really do carry so much of their spirit, so I also just feel for everyone involved. I recently lost a really special and beloved friend whom I worked with at my library, and even just entering to go to work is so emotional because I feel her presence so much there. But I know she’ll never walk through those doors ever again. It’s painful sometimes to move around doing my daily tasks, constantly walking by the mural she and her mama painted in the children’s section. And yet, it’s also the only place I want to be as I mourn her loss. There is stability in seeing the marks she left on this place she loved, and in reliving the moments we shared in our work environment. It’ll be hard when I eventually leave this job (living in my small hometown as a mostly closeted queer person is pretty exhausting), because I won’t have any physical connection to her anymore. But I’ll carry her with me in other ways. That’s just life. It sucks, but you can’t stay in one spot as if to safeguard yourself from further trauma. That just brings further pain because you aren’t letting yourself move on, just in case you lose something else-a memory, a sense of their presence, a feeling of closeness with someone who is gone now. The reality is that holding on in ways that stagnate our own forward motion actually stagnate us further because we’re not dealing with the reality of loss. It’s just the work of being human, moving forward in time whether you like it or not. I don’t think anyone is in the wrong, but I hope the mom and her kids can find ways to keep holding onto their dad’s memory and also deal with the inevitability of change. 💙

[@trinitybernhardt9944]

The woman being the gold digger is so NTA. His family is abusive AF, and I recognize he is probably terrified of them, rightfully. If he doesn’t own up though, and get help, then I would run. The mom with the house hovers between NTA and NAH. It depends on why her reaction was so upset. The plan seemed to be for her to come home in between college and marriage. Is she just mad because she isn't sure what that will look like? Or is it really triggering her? If it is a comfort thing than NTA. If it was going to trigger her no matter what, and she is just anxious over selling, and it boiled over with it being "real", than NAH, and I hope she gets tge help she needs as they go forward with the sale.

[@yarwl]

diving into assholes is definitely my fav ♥

[@_JoyceArt]

1) Sharing work numbers with your immediate family isn’t all that odd, for the same reason, my work has contact details of my only family member. I have experience with a true emergency, in which I needed to contact the work of the one dearest to my heart had passed away. But serious illness and worse are the only emergencies I can imagine. I have had people on the phone checking up on their son/partner 100% not okay. 2) flipped my screen off at the part of the boyfriend. No, not ok. His family is trashy.

[@JankoWalski-hz3lu]

Yeah, but the boss's private number? She could just google that restaurant's number.

[@KarolYuuki]

My mom was story number 1. Everytime I didn't pick up the phone, or if I was 15 late to come home she would call my boss. She would also call any friends she had the number of when I didn't pick up the phone. And it wasn't "she is out with this specific friend, so I'll call them", she would call random friends I wasn't hanging out with at the day, and then besides my mom, now I have another friend trying to call me just because I didn't look at the phone for half an hour. It took years and a lot of fights and arguing for her to stop. And also me not giving the number of any friends or co-workers to her.

[@whoahanant]

At first I didn't understand the problem with the first one cause I'm 23 and my mom has my works phone number for emergencies but reading it again definitely shows that she might be overbearing and so her child doesn't trust her. And the workplace number is all you need, my mom does not have my bosses number. My mom called my workplace once because of a tornado watch and my phone was dead (I live in a place where lighting storms, blizzards and the occasional tornado is common every year) but that has been the only time in 4 years of working. Perhaps the reason her son got that upset that quick might mean that he felt good about getting a job and some freedom and when she wanted the phone number he felt like he would lose that freedom. Which shows this might not be an isolated incident.

[@durabelle]

4. I don't think there's assholes in this story, but both parties could have communicated better, and they could still concentrate on finding solutions. Mom's reasons are rational, but she should have absolutely given a heads up before actually putting the house on market. Approaching that in a way that both tells this is going to happen but also shows understanding might have smoothed things over. The daughter seriously needs to sort things out in her head and understand that selling the house won't erase her memories. Maybe before touching the house they could have gone through it together creating some kind of mementos to replace the physical space. Lots of pictures, even a video walk through, maybe letting her have a piece of furniture or some other item that holds some of whatever value the house has. Often people are more afraid of losing something physical than there's reason to be, since memories can be triggered by merely thinking about a place or an item. Selling the house won't change the past, and holding onto it won't stop the time. It's ok to grieve and to hold onto some stuff, but it's not healthy to hold onto things that stop you or someone else from moving on and enjoying the future.

[@MoonGalleon22]

With the mum in the first one, what she could do is ask if she's been listed as next of kin at her son's work place? That way, if he's involved in any trouble, the restaurant would know to contact her as the first port of call.

[@SLYKM]

I think it's important to be able to contact the son in the restaurant if there is a family emergency, not as a way to check up on son. But as Shaaba said, the language used showed the intentions, however well meaninged.

[@felisazure1820]

For the second one, while I get where the partner is coming from because he is clearly in a toxic family, that doesn't make his actions okay. If unfortunate circumstances is all it takes for him to be uninvited to thanksgiving, he should really be considering distancing himself from his family instead of expecting OP to go along with all their strange expectations. OP deserves someone who is more confident in that regard.

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

First story, son should have given mom the restaurants number. Someone is always going to pickup and likely tell her off if she calls a million times for non emergencies. (OR, and I'm guessing this is possible, she's already done that and that's why son is having this strong of a reaction when she's asking for more)

[@osheridan]

Honestly I wouldn't lie? I agree she was being over controlling, but maybe it's just me I don't like lying. But if she was being more forceful about it than she let on, then I'd probably be on board

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

@@osheridan I'm not sure where you're getting the assumption that I want op to lie? I didn't mean give mom the restaurant number and say that it was bosses personal number, I meant give mom the restaurant number and say "if it's an emergency just call the restaurant" there's a million reasons why that's better anyways (the boss isn't going to be working every shift all days of the week but the restaurant number is always going to route back to the physical location of your child) and it's possible that he doesn't even have his bosses personal number I sure didn't give mine out to anyone who wasn't also management..

[@osheridan]

@@InThisEssayIWill... Ohhh that makes more sense! That sounds like a great idea

[@Mel-qr5ob]

No not really. My mum's like this, she wouldn't get the message. Why would you think someone who doesn't understand the rudeness and overstepping of insisting to have your boss's number, understand what's impolite? I know if I did this when I next saw her she would complain about how she was treated on the phone and berate me saying *I* need to fix it and explain everything to my boss so that she can call whenever she wants. It's the same ammount of trouble whether you give the number or not so it's better to not inconvenience other people as well. She's my mum I'm the only one who should be forced to put up with her I'm not gonna make anyone at my work have to deal with her. I don't even let my mum know *where* I work. I regret letting her know my address because she comes and lets herself in unless I'm vigilant on locking doors and closing windows. She'll even jump the fence and come round the Fing back to let herself im when I've told her I'm busy and don't want her over.

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

@@Mel-qr5ob oof, sorry mate.

[@BiggerinRealLife]

Since we’re diving into the assholes shouldn’t they be the “back door” peaches? 😁

[@nebulan]

House daughter... therapy. Go together. A counselor can help mom and daughter communicate her mother's decisions.

[@amanday3103]

The first mom sounds a lot like my mom. As someone in their 20s I just don’t get to go to parties bc my parents refuse to let me go unless they can get the phone number of the parents of the person whose party it is.

[@JankoWalski-hz3lu]

What do you mean by "they refuse to let me go"? You don't have to ask them, you're an adult, right?

[@hollyhell3772]

​​​​@@JankoWalski-hz3luot every culture/country is like that tho. Idk about her, but Latinos like myself, for example, usually live with our parents til married. I'm 26 and my parents have just recently stopped expecting meto ask for permission, but then just moved to I can go wherever but they insistently texted me things like "where are you?", "It's late", "come home" etc etc. Now they've gotten better but at least expect me to tell them when I'm going out before I do and when I'm back, because idk, I live there and honestly, just paranoia

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

It absolutely is her story to tell, the story of how she's financially supporting her partner through a difficult time and not to be a bitch or anything but 4 months is not just "oh no I lost my job" 4 months is "I'm above flipping burgers but not above making you suffer for my misfortunes" he absolutely could have A JOB by now.. he's just too stuck up to do the work that's available..

[@barrylangille3523]

I'm also curious as to why her fiance feels she "exposed" him. Why did he come under attack there for having lost a job? Most families would be supportive if a son or daughter was between jobs. There's more toxicity there than just what OP is experiencing, and perhaps she should consider whether she wants to shackle herself to this kind of family. I'm also totally in agreement that there's a problem with him not standing up for her when she's repeatedly been accused of being a god digger.

[@durabelle]

Technically she could have told that she's been paying her own expenses and helping out the partner too when needed without having to specifically tell he'd lost his job. The family might have asked why would he need help, and she could have said they'll need to ask the son. Or she could have just said she's financially independent and asked for the partner to please confirm it on the spot. On the other hand I can totally see why she snapped, and if this ends the relationship I say good riddance.

[@DrPapillon]

When I was a teenager, I worked at a tacobell and my family had a problem, my grandfather died that morning but i didnt hear about it since i opened the restarant and was awake earlier than my parents. My parents tried to call me but my phone was off (i was at work), so they came to the restaurant to let me know. My boss let me clock out and leave early which was really kind since my dad has lost both of his parents within 4 months and wasnt taking it easy. My parents did not need to have my boss' number, it was fine.

[@logangreen6107]

HE WAS JOBLESS FOR FOUR MONTHS? That’s ridiculous. He had so much time to find another one.

[@koalaskrypin]

With the first one, if I had a son that was 18 and started his first job I think I would like him to maybe text me when he is on his way home for the first couple of shifts or sth, or just ask him when he think he will be getting home - and trusting him. I hope that is what I'd do. I also think I would discuss it with the childs other parents if there are any and see what they think. I have PTSD and imagine the worst a lot and I am grateful to have an understanding partner that doesn't mind communicating a lot when we are apart, but I would not like to put the burden of my feelings onto my child. They should never feel like they have to put me at ease or help me regulate my emotions in day to day life. If they were going off to the other end of the world I might have the need for them to check in when they reach a new destination. This one really made me self reflect. Thanks Shaaba.

[@cjb4127]

In the first one the obvious answer to me seems to be giving the boss/restaurant the mom's number as an emergency contact. This is usually standard procedure for a job and makes a lot more sense than the mum needing to have the bosses number. I do think the mum is being really controlling. Hopefully it's overprotectiveness, not her genuinely wanting control over his life, and she can curb this and learn to trust him to make his own decisions.

[@lemoncardboard3270]

In the first one, I feel like she would usually have her son's number. I think she would want to try to call him first. If he doesn't have a phone and she's that preoccupied with contacting him, she should (if she has the means, of course) try to get him a phone, even if it isn't a super expensive or recent one.

[@epoodlesahoi]

As an autistic person with safe spaces its difficult for me to move after creating a safe space for myself. My parents still have our family home and I dread when we lose it due to a sale or other potential things. I spent a lot of time creating safe spaces in that home. The daughter will have to cope with loss eventually and cope with moving. I am all for accomadation, but life happens. The only accomadation i can think of is have the daughter be able to help chose. Show 2 home posibility and allow her to invision a way to create a safe space there.

[@ago6993]

For the first one, I have a different perspective. I grew up knowing how to contact my parents, their bosses, and their workplaces in case of an emergency. I feel like they should sit down and set some ground rules like what constitutes an emergency, but if she is willing to accept some ground rules, then I feel she isn't in the wrong. Also, where did this happen? If it is in the US, I would definitely want the information with all of the shootings that happen on a regular. Businesses don't always pick up their phone, so the more numbers the better if you were to hear that your child's workplace was shot up.

[@hexonyou]

i enjoy the petty responses so much because I totally agree with them in spirit, even if in practice I generally would miss the mess and drop a lot of these people.

[@FaeryPeople]

Usually jobs ask for an emergency contact number, so I'd assume the boss (or some other manager) already has the mom's phone number and can call her if there is a real emergency.

[@jendayameisner4501]

I grew up in a small town, where my siblings all worked in the same restaurant and my parents had the number of the boss, so at first I was like, Why shouldn't the mom have his number?? But then I realized that the restaurant is probably not some small café/bakery in a town where everyone knows each other . . . also, my parents are every overprotective. Once Shaaba started talking about it, it finally clicked--That's NOT NORMAL.

[@hufflebuffben]

On the emergency calls/boss thing, I was thinking it was going to be like a screening/DND/caller ID thing, like if the boss calls HER because her son got hurt or something at the restaurant (accidents happen), she'd know to answer. How it actually played out, absolutely not, YTA for sure.

[@koalaskrypin]

With the unemployed fiance, I can def see a movie with this plot, lika a 90's rom-com starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere.

[@emeraldqueen1994]

House sale story : as someone who’s suffering from PTSD I can confirm that mental health issues can be weird and unpredictable…. I’m stable and in therapy, I’m speaking from PAST experiences

[@JennaGetsCreative]

I moved away to university fresh out of high school, then moved back home, then moved away again a couple years later. Both times I moved away, Mom sold and moved. I also have a trauma history and mental health issues. Whenever she moved and I come back to live in or visit at a different house, that was super weird, and the first time I felt philosophically "homeless" because I was in a temporary dormitory situation and I wasn't ever going back to the home I left. I never demanded that my mother keep the house, though. It was hers to sell, it was the right financial situation, and I know she'll always house me if I need it. The daughter in that story is overreacting.

[@bethanywoll7669]

For the last story, I'd say it's a "no a-holes here" situation. As someone with mental illness who experiences intense and often irrational emotions in reaction to what's going on around me and/or to me, I empathize with the daughter. It can be hard, and if if the mom was upset about the daughter being upset, she might be the a-hole. But the mom isn't attempting to invalidate the daughter's feelings, but check if she shouldn't have taken the action in the first place. The reality is that it is unreasonable to expect everyone else to cater to your own emotional state. Therapy is a great way to learn to deal with the strong emotions that mental illness can bring up, so you can better cope when upsetting things happen. Because upsetting things WILL happen, that's the nature of life. The mom is doing everything she can to support her daughter, while still living her own life. And she shouldn't feel guilty for that.

[@minikipp8549]

The first one i get the mum but also he is 18! Also if you know where he works in an emergency ring the phone number of the place!! or drive!! I thinks she is like half an asshole as she isn't intending to be but also she should give him space

[@Meloony13]

"Not enabling this behaviour" was clearly written by someone who doesn't understand mental health issues or neurodivergency. If the Mum gave an original timeline for when the house would be sold, then changed it without even telling her children, for this life changing moment (to them), I would say she's in the wrong. Her reasons for selling early make absolute logical sense, but she needs to communicate that at the earliest opportunity, and give her child time to process. Her child only finding out that their 'home', somewhere they expected to live again, had been put on the market earlier than they had prepared for is bound to be devastating.

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

Honestly, I moved house a few times growing up but the hardest one for me was when my grandparents moved house. They'd been in their house for 50 years, since it was built, and they'd been there all my life while my family had had like four different houses. I'm autistic and I don't like change. It was like a second home to me, and a great place of stability and I honestly still miss it. I was devastated. I did understand, though, that it's their house, their life, their decision. I understood. If it's not your house, it's not your decision to make or have a say in. If they ask for your opinion then that's nice but they are in no way obligated to do so.

[@avenfae]

"We are diving INTO the arsehol*s" 😂🤣

[@ennanitsua]

Omg Shaaba I'd also get soooo pissed at anyone who implied or outright said that I didn't earn my own money or pay my own way when I do. What utter BS

[@_x..Jamie..x_]

I'm only through the first post in the video and jfc that mom is overbearing. I had my first job (outside of working some weeks during summers at my dad's wife's company) at 16. I worked for a few hours a few days a week asking for donations for a charity in the city center and got home around 9pm on those days. I worked outside in cold weather starting in march and all my mom did was to remind me to remember take my powerbank with me on those days so i wouldn't be out of contact due to running out of battery but she trusted me to be responsible. I dont understand what overbearing parents think they achieve behaving like that.

[@EternalYorkieMom]

I never clicked a video so quick

[@danie3847]

Lol same

[@zoemacpherson2701]

If I'm honest, for the gold-digger one, it feels that the guys brother may have lost the girlfriend from this situation before this.

[@CanonSkyrissian]

last story is heartbreaking and also a NAH

[@koalaskrypin]

With the mom that puts the house on the market. If there will be a room for her daughter wherever she moves, that should be emphasized. And then the convo can move to supporting the daughter emotionally through the upcoming transitional period. There isn't even a need to bring in life experience into the conversation. It's not like the mom is gonna buy a 1 bedroom apartment, she is clearly going to be there for her kids with arms and doors open in case they need it.

[@AliceSylph]

Boss number: employers get the emergency contacts of the employees' number, not the other way around. I'm disabled with chronic seizures on a remote island and even then my mum or nor anyone else has my boss's number, it's not needed. Golddigger: if a partner is not being supportive then they are not innocent, you don't get to be a bystander in a relationship unless expressively told not to intervene House selling: I probably would suggest couple therapy to be able to not only talk through each other's reasons and feelings with a mediator, potentially transferring the "stable" thoughts away from the physical object of the house and onto the person in the house and her own independence

[@mudlizardz]

Last one I have nothing to add outside of kinda hating how the mom talked about her child's mental illness as 'emotionally disturbed' idk if its a generational thing when it comes to that language but I'd feel like absolute shit if my mom talked about me that way.

[@Dicyroller]

I want to state that you do not have to always pay equal amounts in a relationship. My partner and I have switched places on who earns more including times that one is out of work for whatever reason several times. We have been together for twenty years and married for 18.

[@logangreen6107]

With the first one, I had the opposite thing happen. I was really sick and was in hospital, and my parents contacted my boss and she snapped because I should have called, but I was indisposed.

[@Ketynrah]

I think you did a great analysis on these. Particularly the last one, I appreciate how you evaluated it from both perspectives (as well as you could not knowing anything more than what was in the story). Keep up the great work!

[@capturingsol]

For the first story, my husband's mom did this. He was in his 20s, and he still has to text her every day or she will start texting and calling me and around to try and get in contact with him. She abused the fact we worked at a store where the number could be found online, called the store, and had it directed to our department. She did this multiple times. It was infuriating and embarrassing. That lady is an overbearing a-hole, 100%.

[@jofawkes]

😂 I LOVE the invoice idea, hilarious!

[@GenaBabin]

For the one with the mom wanting the boss’s number: NTA. My parents have had to call my boss multiple times when I’ve been too ill to do so. Also, in the event that my phone dies, or I’m not answering, it’s important that they can reach someone at the office to get me. Their health isn’t the best. It WOULD be an emergency if they had to call my boss.

[@SartorialDragon]

10:28 i wanna add one aspect in favor of the non-goldigger's partner: apparently he wasn't able to tell his family that he's unemployed because of how horribly they'd blow up?? he seems to be in trouble too, if he needs to keep that from his family. However, he should have told his partner that he is afraid of his parents knowing, then she maybe would not have outed him. If i was her: i'd have asked my bf to talk, away from the table, and told him: ok, this is it. You NEED to tell them you're unemployed and i'm supporting you, because i can not sit there and take being accused of being a gold digger like that. You need to stand up for me. If he finds a way to stand up for me without outing his secret, fine too (for now), but eventually he will have to come clear in order to not ruin MY reputation.

[@miaik-]

First story: I think it's totally acceptable to ask for contact information of the work place in case of emergency. BUT it seems like the kid knows that it's for "emergencies" and not real emergencies like "Hi I wanted to reach X to tell his dad has had a bad heart attack and were goin to hospital, I couldn't reach him" or "Hi, I'm calling for your employee X, he's been in a car accident and can't go to work".

[@bradiedean7466]

Having your parents move out of your childhood home is hard and emotional no matter how old you get, so I have to say NAH. OP has the right to sell it, but her daughters feelings are valid too. I had a similar experience when I was in college and my parents decided to move without telling me before the decision was made and I was really upset bc 1) I felt blindsided, 2) I felt like my feelings weren't being considered as much as those of my grandparents (who my parents were doing a favor), 3) the person who was moving in after my parents was someone I had just had a traumatic falling out with and it made me feel angry and violated to think about her moving into my home and me getting kicked out, and 4) I was honestly just sad and struggling with the change. My dad, grandpa, and great-grandpa built that house themselves, my childhood bedroom was there, it was the only place I'd ever lived and is still the only place I've ever lived that truly felt like home, since I feel like I'm visiting when I stay in their new house and everywhere else I've lived was a dorm or rental which comes with not feeling like the space is truly MINE. I don't think that they needed to give me a say in the decision if I'm being rational, but I think it would have been easier emotionally if I'd known they were thinking about it before the decision was made, I had felt like my emotions were being heard and respected, and/or if I'd had a chance to say goodbye to the house between their decision to move and the actual moving, since they were already living elsewhere when I had the opportunity to come get my things. And it feels silly bc they just moved next door into my grandparents house (which is my father's childhood home and was built by my grandpa, his dad, and his brothers) and my parents still own my childhood home (since they are renting it to my brother and his wife), but I feel like a visitor in birth places now instead of feeling like I'm coming home, so while I've made peace with it, I do still feel like I no longer have a physical place that feels like home. So idk, maybe it's the neurospicy tendency to get overly attached to inanimate objects or to hate change, but I do feel for OPs daughter even though I think OP is making the right call.

[@whiplash3245]

I mean, nevermind the fact that usually when you start a new job, you have to give your emergency contact info so the boys boss already has moms number (or dads) if an emergency happens. Chill out mom.

[@literaltrashpigeon5570]

Backstage Peaches should be a boyband

[@AceRadicalsunset]

i always love your commentary on these lol

[@ihatemickiegee]

for the last one,. I know the feeling, very very closely, of mental illness + its comforts AND triggers being tied into a particular house, so I sympathize strongly with the daughter. HOWEVER, I also watched my mom struggle intensely with money throughout our lives, sell a house during a bad time in the market and never be able to buy another again, then in later years watch us get evicted (illegally, and traumatically, mind you) from the longest- lived-in home of them all (for all of us), which was a house my stepdad OWNED long before my mom ever met him. and I just have to say. if my mom had the opportunity to sell for way more at this very instant, at the threat of bad anxiety for me, I would still make sure she does it because it's a risk of higher anxiety for everyone in the future if she doesn't if that makes sense? so my advice to the mom here would be, remind her of this. that it could be more risk to everyone not to sell while she can still make a decent penny, than to wait for one person's own FEELING of security, when they will include her in the process of selecting the new house or at least in decorating the room she will have there and so on. make her (and her deceased father) somehow part of the process in a way that doesn't feel like mom is just getting rid of him / losing a safe space for daughter.

[@taranee9]

I understand the sentiment on the second one, but I think ESH. Retaliation is not a good answer: you should still treat everyone with respect even if they don't. He asked to keep a secret, you keep it. His family treats you badly and he doesn't support you? You leave the lot and go away, but you don't stoop to their level.

[@chancewill6910]

1. Ok so I'm 19, never really had a job before but I used to work with a family friend on their farm (I was maybe 15 or 16) and we set it up so everyone had each other's phone number. My parents would mostly text me if they had questions like "when are you are being brought home?" and anything like that but they had each others number if they needed to which is what I would try to do at work (I'm going to work at a daycare). I'm the main contact but if you need my parents number, here it is with their consent. To clarify: I mean if they need me or make sure I'm ok when I can't. They're not the kind of people to be angry or anything if I'm unavailable, I'm talking about being able to reach me in an emergency 2. No you're not. You got tired of being treated terrible and lying so you were defending yourself. Also this guy and his family just suck 3. No. He shouldn't be saying he's helping when he's not. simple 4. No. I didn't really understand the numbers but whatever. There's going to be a room for the daughter so the parent looking for stability doesn't take anyone else's

[@saralaerevu8735]

I always thought emergency contact works the other way around. You give your workplace contact *they* can call in case of emergency

[@Beanz-on-Toast]

Inactions is oppression. If youre watching someone get berated and belittled constantly and youre not defending the one you supposely love you are in no way innocent. Youre an enabler.

[@MrsUzumaki]

The first one screams helicopter parent

[@20Unbelievable06]

1: not an asshole, but 1000% in the wrong and far too overbearing 2: not OP, but the fiancé? boyfriend? dude person, and his family. jesus fuck, run, girl! sure, it's not her story to tell, but she'd kept quiet for long and just taken their BS. at some point you have to stand up for yourself, even if that means saying something that someone else should have. 3: again, not OP, but the brother 4: NTA. probably, maybe should have told daughter before putting it on the market, though.

[@imarrywhales]

I love these videos. It's soothing to listen to. You've got such a good speaking voice. I admire you. I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I struggle with self esteem. I grew up in a really hard situation. I love how you tell us good advice.

[@bec7080]

I would be very mad about someone claiming to support me but I would totally be like "ayyy you owe me back pay"

[@dragonofmordor]

I'd just like to point out that it seems to me the fiance in story two comes from a clearly abusive family. Given they've uninvited him just because he's unemployed says a lot about them as parents, even apart from how they've treated his fiance. So while he is an asshole, I think he's probably mimicking the type of behavior he saw growing up. That being said, she absolutely should run. But I do feel slightly bad for him.

[@UnofficialMarsBar]

I feel early I love the AITA videos !😊😊 have a good day fellow peaches and shaaba!

[@shanw.2948]

I love your AmITheAhole series Shaaba, thank you for making and sharing them with us 💜 I appreciate it

[@shymistborn1517]

Story 2 GASLIGHTER