Repairing Self-Abandonment: People Pleasing, Anxious Attachment, and Developing Self-Worth

Dr. Rick and I explore self-abandonment, which occurs when we go against our authentic wants, emotions, and boundaries in order to serve others, meet external expectations, or protect ourselves emotionally. We cover where self-abandonment comes from, the psychological function it serves, and the relationship between self-abandonment and similar concepts like anxious attachment, low self-worth, and external referencing. You’ll learn how to set healthy boundaries, stop neglecting yourself, and become more secure from the inside out.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:50 Common features of self-abandonment
12:35 Facing the fear of our authentic self being seen
16:20 Facing shame and self-criticism
21:30 Object relations, and creating a strong self
33:00 When safety feels more important than authenticity
41:10 Joining with the defense, and opening out
51:05 Relationships, openness to change, and bringing parts into awareness
56:00 Cognitive restructuring, and redefining our self-abandoning beliefs
59:30 Recap
Offer from Dr. Rick: If you'd like to improve your self-worth, check out Rick's new 4-hour, live online workshop. You'll learn methods and practices that can actually change your brain and your habits, so you start nurturing your sense of worth and belonging. Our listeners can get 20% off with coupon code BeingWell20. selfworthworkshop.com/
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
I'm not a clinician, and what I say on this channel should not be taken as medical advice.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

[@yamlwoz]

I'm 67. Daughter of a covert narc mother. I've been reading and youtubing myself to mental health since my mid 20s. This video has achieved more than I could ever explain. I've still been too terrified to say No to mother, even at my age. You've changed my life. Honestly. Tears of gratitude and relief. Thank you both 🥰

[@gdmnsdgl]

“truth-telling is the bridge that gets us across the river of suffering” - omg what a quote

[@seminatarelli434]

Every time Forest says "Dad" a part of me melts and heals. Thank you for doing these videos and for the value you provide

[@hristuppiteitinu]

What they have is so special, as a father and a son it is healing for me to see

[@lauraluey]

It's absolutely gorgeous and heart-warming

[@mayaliii]

Isn’t it so brilliant and so refreshing!

[@dr.gaosclassroom]

I feel the same way. It is so lovely to see them so close!!

[@sunnyadams5842]

Meee toooo 😊 my dad is such a covert horror show, listening to these two reaffirms my faith in humankind AND MYSELF. They prove to me I was never crazy to believe there was something missing from my father's mind and Love for me.

[@Sophia-yo9rp]

Wow imagine having a dad like Dr Rick.

[@dr.gaosclassroom]

It is so nice to see a father and son enjoy this kind of heart to heart conversation. I am Chinese. It is rather rare to have this kind of connection between parents and children among my Chinese friends and family members. Maybe I haven't meet enough Chinese people. I certainly do not have this kind of relationship with my parents. I am working on building this kind of connection with my kid. Thank you so much for sharing this. It is very helpful!!

[@_ZiXin_]

yeah it’s rare in Asian households. I’m grieving the potential connection I could build with my parents at the moment

[@Initwithlove]

You are breaking a generational pattern. I’m happy for you.❤

[@dr.gaosclassroom]

I feel the same way. But sometimes, one has to give up when it is simply not possible due to the cultural gaps and historical reasons one faces. I find Taoism offers a lot help when it comes to ease the pain about this kind of loss. I become more at ease once I realise that as long as I accept who I am, it does not matter if my parents do not accept me or reject me because I can not meet their ridiculous exceptions. I wish you the very best and find your own happiness. @@_ZiXin_

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

It is beautiful :) You are WISE for being here, which means you are going to break the cycle I your family and culture!

[@dr.gaosclassroom]

Hi, Jennifer. Thank you for this thoughtful response. I appreciate your understanding and your love for Chinese culture. I am also very attracted to the Italian culture. The architecture, the paintings, the sculptures, the music, and of course, the poetry and novels. Although I had never been to Italy, I would love to visit there one day. I have been watch this channel because I admire their courage to take on radical changes and am touched by his honesty and openness. I find their family so wholesome and educational. Like you said, I need to break the cycle and be the authentic person I am and build my connection with my child from there because it will be real connection. Thank you again and I hope we can all grow to be more loving and authentic as persons. @@Jennifer-gr7hn

[@aptkeyboard3173]

Forrest is not a therapist but he is more knowledgeable than any therapist I’ve ever had.

[@khalil010]

100%

[@renek.6434]

A therapist doesn't need much knowledge in my opinion. They need to have their own issues worked through, so they are not acting them out on you ;)

[@sunnyadams5842]

More insightful, compassionate and able to articulate the more GRANULAR aspects of human psychology! Love you guys and your work. What a treat. ❤

[@tyruswatson2115]

Yes. And I know more that all my therapists. It's sad.

[@SarahSodaPop]

I have had some very good therapist and a couple of not so good. I have a great therapist at the present time who is educated in childhood trauma. When I was speaking of incompetence I was referring more to the present day with other professionals. I have nothing bad to say about the psychologists, psychiatrists, or counsellors I've seen over the years. It's the medical physicians I've met that are incompetent and even negligent.

[@nwayoo9559]

OMG this spoke to me so much. As a black woman, I have had experience of saying no, which has had consequences. Before I even say no, I am seen as agressive or uppity. I’ve tried to make myself so small to feel safe. I am now cultivating a sense of security for myself, for the first time I am learning to trust myself.

[@ashleyen3]

❤️

[@rannshuman]

You can be free.

[@Hello-hello-hello456]

The sad effects of sexism

[@m.mmussenden8338]

You are awesome. Celebrate yourself.🎉❤

[@Victoria-hz3gx]

I'm a white woman and this is me too x

[@skyyy1977]

One of the reasons we say yes is because of a void inside that makes us unsure what we need. So beneath self abandonment is a lack of self. It’s easier (almost always a relief) to say yes when somebody else proposes something. At least for a while I’m becoming what they need, there’s no void. This is lifelong work in getting to first know and then come to love our selves. Edited at 8:17 when Forrest says “lack of a strong interior”. Yes! Exactly. I’ve found through somatic therapy that I do in fact have a robust interior, but it’s buried so deep that my therapist and I gently joke that around others my “signal gets weak” 😅

[@Penge362]

This resonates so much, thank you for the insight.

[@donnamarchetti2129]

What a good way to put it: around others my signal seems to dim and I can’t access it much.

[@skyyy1977]

I credit my lovely therapist for it ❤

[@sunnyadams5842]

That hit me too. Around others my signal gets muddled and too weak or too strong. Been working to close the gap between my public and my private self...selves? 😂It's a little scary sometimes.

[@Hello-hello-hello456]

Sometimes it's just a knee jerk reaction because of people-pleasing tendencies

[@LynnMcAllister]

“Truth telling is the bridge that gets us across the river of suffering” I love this quote ❤ thank you.🙏

[@hamishriddell2113]

Bless the algorithm for sending me this today. Thank you for the deeply compassionate way you explore this topic.

[@MrWhatever1234567]

Blessed be the algorithm 🙌🏼 I got mine today too

[@lilmissjoodypoody]

This seems like a small thing, but the way that Forrest was able to say “the one thing I’m going to ask you to do dad, is not to put the (paper) pad in front of the microphone… put it more to the side of your face…” and then for Rick to respond with compliance (following Forrest’s instructions) and humour! I found my own anxiety jump up as soon as Forrest started saying that, in recognition of times when I tried to express a reasonable need or request in the past and for it to be met with defensiveness or hostility or a whole host of negative responses. To see this interaction feels so foreign to me, and I now feel so sad for my inner parts that held those experiences and wounds and are now telling other parts to shut up and suppress needs as a way to stay safe. 😔 These videos help me a lot, bit by bit, by showing me beyond the content what healthy interactions/relationships can look like. I find myself having deep admiration for you both (and Elizabeth) for being able to heal to a good enough state to form these relationships and the generosity to share these with us. I also find myself experiencing some envy of your relationships, and wishing that I could have that too.

[@linguipster1744]

I felt the same. Something in me was screaming „omg don’t say that!!“. Thank you for putting it into words so well.

[@marrrweee]

Thank you for saying that - and bless your strong heart for continuing to choose to find love for all of your different parts ❤ you know, one thing about it (😂) is that I just *know* reading these kind of comments that we are soooo much more than just survivors or something like that. The overwhelming majority of us have soo much compassion, peace and love inside of us that it’s honestly practically overflowing. The only wall to that well just happens to be something that, let’s imagine, some evil corporation built many years ago that is starting to break down, and the righteously angry but peaceful villagers are chipping away at, brick by brick. There’s my lil piece for you :) as you gave to us. Good luck ❤

[@lilmissjoodypoody]

@@marrrweee thank you, and I completely agree. In fact, I think that out of all of our experience with pain and suffering, it’s allowed a lot of us to be able to recognise and connect with others who are in pain. Once we are able to heal to a good enough state (and it doesn’t have to be for every aspect of us), many of us go on to become healers and passionate advocates. I wish you all the best on your journey, also 🪴

[@iw9338]

Yes, I too feel a bit of envy. When I see mother's and daughter together it makes me sad I didn't have that.😢😮😅❤

[@chasing-mental-clarity]

It made cringe too, but I’m still unsure as to why exactly. I’ll try to dig. I think for me, I see it as saving face, or putting the other in a negative light. In my experience and culture (Mexican) you don’t put others in a negative light and correcting someone publicly is to say you’re doing something wrong, therefore you now lose credibility or whatever. I think it’s a mix of my culture and my experience with authority figures as a child with adhd and such. Alas, I recognize that there are other ways of thinking about this, and there is a way to look at this that doesn’t cause my nervous system to flare for really no good reason 🙂

[@whowearereally6494]

As the youngest of four, and the only girl with a farmer father, I have just figured out that I was never allowed to practice boundaries, which made me feel very uneasy around men, my whole life, most human beings to be honest, but I’ve hid it very well and done some successful things only to have it all come rifling up to the top now - alone later in life feeling like the abandoned child. It bothers me greatly as I want to be there for my sons of my grandson. I want the dream. However, I’m just so sad and hollow inside no one has ever reached out to me. Everyone has always treated me as if I was unusual, even though I treat everyone around me as number one.

[@ooulalah4333]

Been to many psychologists and psychiatrists over decades and none ever addressed self-abandonment. This concept is life changing. Seems critical to understand this in order to stop beating one's self up and make positive life changes.

[@vestaosto]

The Enneagram talks about a certain "life strategy" where people "delete themselves", which is the Nr. 9. Might be interesting for you.

[@Illy80]

Wonderfully insightful video. The belief that I'm the "worst in the world." The self-loathing and shame whenever I do or say the wrong thing just destroys me. I'm so angry and disgusted at myself for not preempting or controlling something that should have been obvious. It turns everyday stuff into a long string of traumatic events. I must be perfect and invisible at all times.

[@latasha9898]

funnily enough i feel the same way. You've articulated it well. Today, someone in my family told me I hurt them by saying something insensitive. I remember making the remark but i'm still struggling to see how it could be taken that way. I feel shitty when I think about something I said, and still shitty when I say something I haven't already been feeling shitty about.

[@devonsteinke]

Im convinced that God drew some of you to this video in a timely point of your life because thats how i feel for myself too.

[@Mary-ug1et]

Oh so right

[@L4LA0412]

Yes

[@EV4UTube]

I'm convinced there is no God; people just select everything Good and blindly attribute to God and everything Bad and attribute it to something else. What other entity, with the same attribution strategy, would not be deemed as wonderful? Here's an idea, how about we acknowledge and honor the tangible, measurable, demonstrated hard work and dedication these guys invested and avoid paying homage to an invisible, inaudible, intangible, imperceptible sky-daddy. Just a thought.

[@Zar2244]

​@@EV4UTubeAgree. Where is God in war committed on innocent civilians?

[@turquoisoul]

You're absolutely right. God bless you 🙏❤

[@Rebecca0010]

This topic is HUGE. I'm going through it asking for more support.

[@saloshniejagathesan1577]

The penny just dropped for me... I never ever thought of ' self abandonment' until this video popped up! We know and resent what others have done or are doing to us, yet we go ahead and do it to ourselves!

[@shirleylambrecht218]

If I could only express in words how helpful this episode has been. To many, therapy is simply not accessible, financially or otherwise. Thank you so much! 🙏🕊❤️

[@sunnyadams5842]

And it is completely possible to heal without therapy if you can be honest with yourself. If that is a presenting issue- being deeply out of touch and in denial- self-therapy probably won't work out too well to move you into a different pattern of existence. You'll just justify and solidify the same dysfunctional and maladaptive mechanisms that you are actually trying to shed. Good luck everybody. Be Honest.

[@jiji_arra]

This is one of the most well done pieces of content I have heard for trauma survivors and healers of C/PTSD, and I have absorbed an abundant amount of content on the topic. I have written word-for-word notes during this talk and plan to revisit it often and incorporate it into my healing journey. Thank you, immensely. 🤲🏼

[@shesingsCanada]

I did the same thing! Pages of notes. I intend to post the yellow pad diagrams and check in with myself daily. Where is self in relation to other?

[@lauraluey]

I felt so emotional when Rick showed the different perspectives of the small circle self and the big circle world/ others, compared to the big circle self and the small circle world/ others Seeing it put so simply allowed me to feel a deeper recognition of when I feel most likely to self abandon - is when I feel small compared to everyone around me, and I somewhat automatically believe and feel that I come second to everyone And conversely, when I feel more grounded within myself in the times where I am just being myself without needing to try and be anything other than who I am in that moment, and how freeing that can feel I generally only feel that self-assurance at certain times when I am by myself, and I have taken the time to choose to encourage myself that I'm okay being who I am I want to practice working on being that encourager and acceptor of me, allowing myself to be important in my life. The visual reminder of the circles was helpful and is something I want to intentionally embody This is the first video of yours that I have seen, and I am so grateful to have stumbled upon it, particularly because self abandonment is something that deeply impacts my life, and I adored the energy and thoughtfulness you both brought to the conversation Thank you, Forrest and Dad :)

[@user-ff5er2jb7g]

hey, i just wanted to say that what you said really resonated with me, and that if you wanna chat about all this, idk, just discuss how self-abandonment affected our lives and how we’re coping with it - feel free to hit me up :)

[@lori6156]

I have to say I have listened to at least 100 different podcasts on grief, shame, family dysfunction and dynamics and you have provided many “aha” moments to resolve self abandonment! So Glad I found your podcasts! Thank you and Happy Easter!!

[@newlibraryofalexandria]

Thank you Forest 🙏 towards the end of this conversation. I finally got an answer to the question that I’ve been searching for years. The root. I never properly grieved how I abandoned myself during my first romantic relationship. I never grieved the time lost, I never grieved the missed opportunities, I never grieved what could’ve been. I brought that into the next and long-term relationship and have repeated self abandonment in a different manner. I picked this up from my mother. I thought I had fixed it but you just unlocked another deep layer of the onion and I just woke up to how I’m still doing it. So again, thank you. You and your dad literally changed my life for the better.

[@Userinterfaceexperience]

Your dad's voice is just so healing on its own. Sending lots of wonderful good vibes to you.

[@bleachedout805]

Dude you are the only person that has made any sense of the subject of mental health on this platform.

[@shureenaimar6159]

I can’t say how grateful I am to have come across this episode! I really needed this! Thank you Forrest and your team so very much!

[@ForrestHanson]

Thanks for watching!

[@buffienguyen]

thank you Forrest for thinking about a diversity perspectives :) therapy tools are not always universal and applying them selectively is definitely a skill

[@radudeATL]

I don’t even know who I am because of all of these issues. It’s like every thought, idea, or desire I have is stupid and I think about either how I’m supposed to act or think or what I should do that is all about keeping up appearances, if that makes any sense. It’s an incredibly insecure and sad place to be.

[@motivetomove]

You noticing that is a knowing that provides a path forward. A path to notice what matters to you, what doesn’t and so on. If you listen to that, you will find your way. You’re already on your way.

[@lisa3lisa33]

It’s the programs we have running in the subconscious.. look up Bruce Lipton and/or Joe Dispenza.

[@leelee9421]

Same. All I know is that I relate to you and this and that helps me not feel so damn alone.

[@angelicacroitoru4946]

I feel the same, too much disociation in my live, too much neglect and trauma that makes me feel that I have no self .

[@MargoJen]

It’s so hard to let go of other people’s expectations. Freeing really.

[@antoinettebefree]

Thank you for bringing up the points at 38:20. The acknowledgment was important but I replayed to see if I missed something that could be integrated and 😕. As an educated Black woman with a big mouth…life for me ain’t been no crystal stairs and folks always trying to put certain people in their place. But I’ll continue to walk with this question since self abandonment for me became illness, surgery, and then dealing with medical racism. Le sigh. Beautiful conversation nonetheless and beautiful to witness a healthy parent-child relationship.

[@piroska_magika]

Thank you Henson for bringing in how it is for women ! I was thinking throughout the episode, listening up to this point, around min 38, that this is all fine and dandy that as a grown up you have more agency than as a child. But what if it isn't true in many cases ? Because you are self abandoning because you are oppressed en masse as a population? Then it's not even self abandonment, it's enslavement and survival. I carry on listening now, just wanted to express my gratitude, looking forward to hearing the rest of the discussion

[@user-dc4bl1cu2k]

This i weird. Because this topic is what I was occupied with this morning and while I was thinking of this, it came in my recommendations.

[@leila595]

One thing I did abandon myself for is the interaction... like... the life experience that was, at that moment, better than no life at all. It's a damaging option, either way, because there's cost in both choices. I was so bored in a household full of negativity and emotionality that never concerned me, always, always the self-centered adults around. Horrific in its own way, boredom and the feeling that you're just withering before having had a chance to grow. Like waiting to slowly decay, whilst still alive.

[@Teirarara]

I feel like I could have typed this. Thank you for putting these feelings into words.

[@awomen1072]

Like a flower wilting in the sun..I always felt I was living in a waiting room at docs or dentist kind of feel..😢

[@oliviacadena2036]

I can definitely relate to you!!! Awful feeling that is!! ❤❤😢

[@leila595]

@@oliviacadena2036 I'm sorry that you went through it as well.. Warm vibes your way!

[@marrrweee]

Wow very poetically put - ❤

[@user-ob8qy4iq3m]

I am curious about self-punishment. Belief that I am bad leads to self-sabotage. Probably unconsciously.

[@Heyu7her3]

Used to be called self-flagellation as penance

[@Wolf-Man88]

As a teenager and going into my early 20s, I abandoned and lied to myself and others for years. I'm still healing and still needing to monitor my feelings to see if I'm being genuine or not. I grew up in a household where I felt like I couldn't express myself without judgement and I also had to lie about my sexuality because I felt like I wouldn't be accepted. I'm now 35 and recognise an anxious attachment style that I'm trying to improve into a more secure attachment. Thank you for your video 🙏🏽

[@ShesAbsurd]

When he said he’d start with empathy… I almost cried

[@rannshuman]

"I am not intimated in your mindstream" is an empowering truth. This has helped me so much to "feel fine inside". I will be thankful for that phrase every day. Thanks Forrest and Rick ❤

[@angelagreen7388]

Story of my life! Five years ago I finally learned who the narcs and who the people pleasers in my family were. My eyes were open and realized my worth as a person and deserve better. To this day, I still struggle with self abandonment especially when left alone, losing interest in hobbies or projects. But I've made the first few steps to self love, but, the struggle is still there. Watching your video has given me the hope that I needed and most importantly things I needed to hear. Thank you so much!

[@Lisa-tk7ku8dr4k]

Absolutely tragic childhood and just thinking about talking about my needs or receiving empathy is such a hard thing to except. I would get beat yelled at or attack for showing emotion. I was told to not show my depression anxiety or feelings. Im a woman divorced and these topics are such hard topic but its good to listen that there is help.

[@unaa9380]

Thank you for including minorities in the convo, it’s rarely considered

[@coppersense999]

23:35 😂😂😂 Up until this point, I was half listening, filing my taxes on another screen. But I'm back. Now I can't tear myself away from Dr Hanson with a legal pad glued to the side of his head, for some reason. So confused 😂😂😂

[@ForrestHanson]

He was feeling himself for this one.

[@sunnyadams5842]

​@@ForrestHanson😂❤

[@coppersense999]

@ForrestHanson lol looks like you bring out the best in him. Too heartwarming seeing the way you two vibe as coworkers. Happy to see you with such great people in your inner circle. 💜

[@Siara259]

As much as I love the advice, the audio is too soothing and calming, I kept falling asleep 😅

[@chasing-mental-clarity]

Ma’am lol

[@HealthyPersuit-sj3fr]

Nice to see dad and son team with the same interest. God bless you both

[@directedbyleo]

40:30 this part! The WORLD needs to hear this

[@liloleist5133]

Lovely listening to both of you, interacting and complimenting each other, that's in and of itself is already healing.

[@wildhorses6817]

Yes, it can be very unsafe being in a family with a potentially physically abusive person. It is very complex. I really appreciate this discussion.

[@DeAndre_McDonald]

Forrest, I want to thank you and your father for taking the time to help me understand the unique dynamics of Mental Health Counseling. I am beginning a Masters of Counseling program at NCSU this summer. My hope that I can understand how to ask questions and learn the art of listening to assist others in freeing themselves from past traumas and show up as their best selves.

[@lolongubeni1748]

Wow!! This is an entire academic lecture. The duo’s energy is dynamic, am glad I discovered this channel ❤!

[@desertbanshee3649]

I appreciate Rick’s suggestion of healthy anger, when we are fed up. 37:03

[@eecneihappy]

38:32 Right on! As a female there will be repercussions for me.. I am trying to be around people safe people where I can start to set boundaries to stop unfairness or being talked down to.

[@user-et3tm2mg4m]

Much needed episode! Please can you talk about negative experiences growing up being bullied by extended relatives rather than parents being the bully (e.g. loving and caring single mum living with her abusive brother/ sister and their families) and not being in a position to speak up for ourselves

[@chasing-mental-clarity]

I am seriously in shock about how on point and truthful this all is from Forrest and his father. You guys are onto something, keep it up. You’re speaking to so many of our realities, and putting names, stories, words, to the internal feelings we’ve all had locked up in a box we never thought we would open. You all rock.

[@t.f.6297]

Just the calmness and taking your time to explain each concept that both of you discussed made me feel safe, seen and calm. I plan to relisten to this again because I am still working through so much of this.

[@skyyy1977]

I cried at 20:00 when Rick says “somebody who saw the sweetness, good intentions and frailty in you and valued it.” Never. Not once did I feel that from any adult around me except one distant uncle who seemed to genuinely delight in my stories and just my being me. He visited once a year and he’s the most trusted adult I have in my late forties. May God give him a long life. It’s absolute tragedy that a sensitive, attuned, frail child must turn into a bitter, self contained adult to survive. Abandoning others and abandoning oneself. What kills me is how many chances adults have to repair this and how many they squander. Sigh.

[@sagetenshi]

Immediately into the topic here. Saving this now and really looking forward to listening to it while I get out for a walk this evening. Appreciate you both! ❤️

[@denisel780]

I have watched this three times already and know I will be watching it again and again until it is all ingrained. Without a doubt the BEST podcast ever on this topic. You two covered everything and made it make so much sense. I can't thank you enough!!

[@ForrestHanson]

Wow, really appreciate that

[@manuelrielo1422]

Forrest and Rick thank you so much for this. I am only 13:38min into the video so far, but I am absolutely loving the quality of questions and interaction between you. Beautifully and inspiring that father and son can interact so respectful and attentive

[@emilygrace5397]

I am so deeply touch by father and son connecting this way. It’s so amazing. You are both such beautiful souls. Thank you dad, you did a great job with your son.

[@mgn1621]

Good point Dad Rick…..I think a huge part of society disintegration currently is we are disconnected from nature…the natural processes…which includes us, as we are nature also.

[@bonnarlunda]

The right video, at the right moment in time. Just listening to these guys talking made old tensions wither away. I was genuinely yawning and sighing through it all.

[@peacefulisland67]

It may be important to consider that while we rebuild relationship with Self we don't then abandon Other. It does take two to tango after all. Black and white thinking, swinging on a pendulum, just takes us back to where we began collectively down the road.

[@julieDL6334]

I was thinking about that offering to go from changing from one limiting belief to the opposite prospective. I think the middle step that IFS illuminates of asking How do you feel towards that part that holds the negative belief? That may be the necessary ingredient to give attention to that is often missing when aspiring toward change.🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️🦸‍♀️🤱🤹‍♀️🧙‍♀️❤

[@peacefulisland67]

@@julieDL6334 Yes, helping others is such an important orientation in life, but if it's coming from a flimsy foundation it turns into needfulness. Liminal space is everything. IFS is a blessing. 🙏

[@empea3837]

Discovered this podcast pre-Covid and you have been an anchor in my life ever since. I was wondering if there is a key episode that describes safety or if you could dedicate an episode to defining what it means to be or feel ‘safe’. Thank you for this podcast and for sharing your hearts ❤.

[@biljanalipic]

One of the most helpful and insightful podcast I've listened to! I know muself really well, and am well integrated, despite some big traumas I've experienced. But I still struggled (doesn't it continue anyway! 🙃) to see how to chose not to abandon myself in certain situations during which I would feel pushed away and abandoned by others. I needed to rationally understand what happened in those moments so I could allow myself to reimagine my story of the self and be ok with my creation in relation to other humans. Im saying humans because for me it has always been about the human kin, and how to remain natural/whole (a state I know well) inside the human relationships. To me, you both explained so well this balancing act! I can now expand into the world again with less shame, doubt and fear. A heartfelt thank you for being you and also, both, for modelling an easy and flowing way of relating. 🙏🏻❤️

[@sunnyadams5842]

"Expand into the world." I like that. I am trying to do that authentically. It's weird!! I thought I was ok for so long. Lolo

[@biljanalipic]

Yes, me too! 😅 But nothing, in my view, is wrong per se. Just life needing its own time to be ready, again, I'd say! Can't push the river 😉 Well, you can try, but then be prepared for some splashes! Lol Anyways, to me it feels like time has arrived to begin risking when it comes to showing up in the world again, in a deeper and an even more authentic way. It's often uncomfortable as well as fulfilling. But I kind of feel it is important not to pathologise any part of the process. In a way, I can only do what I am doing now because I did what I did before. I was authentic before, as much as I could be then, just not enough to fulfill my potential. Or rather, I knew my potential, but didn't know how to free it from some deeply repressive dynamics, which took parts of me to self-abandonment, lack of self-worth, guilt and shame. But these are always parts of us, I believe. Phew! All the best on your journey!

[@mmmitchell6887]

Phenomenal and helpful and healing discussion. Thank you guys for caring enough about our community to help us understand all these important underlying issues. As I’ve learned about trauma, I’m convinced a lot of people have probably killed themselves, not knowing the impact trauma has had on their repetitive decision-making failures . Thinking it was them selves and internalizing the negative outcomes, because they were unable to see the patterns and the causes for them.

[@padminimayur4049]

This is hard to listen to, as I do this constantly, to a high level. Important to listen to, nevertheless

[@maevey3]

Dad is fantastic! Thanks fellas!

[@mgn1621]

I don’t even know sometimes where I am abandoning myself 😢

[@santalenacaudillo1185]

You’re not alone. I hear and sense your pain. You’re on the path to a better life. Keep going🤗❤️🦋

[@KS0102]

We were taught to do that in order for someone else to benefit. Humans indeed are selfish and controlling by nature. I'm not putting up with it anymore.

[@sunnyadams5842]

When you start to feel funny, PAUSE and just let yourself feel what's coming up...That's a good first practice. Do you meditate yet??! That accelerates the journey. Good Luck. Be Brave about Truth and you'll be fine.😂

[@jakobdoshe9078]

Thank you for this! I don't know how many times i've rewatched the "Facing the fear of our authentic self being seen" part. Really hit home for me!

[@jerseygurlinmaryland]

Their dialogue is so heart warming.

[@SilentTrip]

this is more healing than any therapy session ever

[@arjulala]

I suffer from this in a huge way, its been articulated so well on this pod cast. Thank you

[@3foldartco]

This was so helpful to me. Thank you. I'm in the process of healing a Mother wound, and that's where my own self-abandonment began, very early in childhood. Thank you so much for the practical ways to do the work to stop abandoning ourselves.

[@anniemac7545]

Very helpful and poignant podcast. I'm a big fan of both Forrest and Dr.Rick. Self abandonment is very entrenched in my psyche and is very difficult to change that mindset in my 60's. My psychologist and I discuss these issues, she also and has attended Dr Ricks seminars in Australia. Thank you both

[@priyankasharma9902]

Forrest and Dr. Rick ... I am listening to you all the way from India. Your well structured podcasts , useful tools for healing and your compassionate understanding is what draws me in . Thank you very much .

[@aprilhancy7277]

I lost conviction today which is why I was seeking out videos. Thank you for reminding me that we can jump into helpful techniques at any point in our day. You both lightened the energy of my day.

[@pugninja7037]

If i wanted to make a coffee, just for me my dad and mother always expected one too..sometimes id think i dont want to .. when id say this.. they would say fine.. then we won't help u . Ss a kidi learnt to shut up, now i concentrate on me but i am an avoidant .

[@sagetenshi]

I wrote down tomes of stuff from this! Great discussion, loved it. A lot of your discussions have very tangible effects on my own process of figuring out what's going on in me, of who and how I am, but I think this is the first one that will have a tangible impact on a talk I'll be having with someone later this week. Not that that means the chat will go fantastically, but I think if I can sincerely reflect on and absorb some of what you talked about here I may end up with a much stronger chance of having my own back during that dicsussion, fighting my own corner, which is something I very much struggle with. So thank you both, as always, for helping so directly. Keep up the excellent discussions!

[@tessajetta8146]

So timely

[@lauraluey]

🙏🏻❤️

[@okiejammer2736]

Ouch. Sigh. Thank you. The right video at the right time.

[@millymoon9951]

You two are pure love ,thank you ❤️ love fro. Ireland

[@Sophia-yo9rp]

I was going to put this on my playlist until I got to 25 seconds in and I am not going to listen to the entire video. You and your dad are just lovely...pure beautiful energy. I think I am going to enjoy this listen so thank you in advance.

[@isa.yoshimura]

im grieving so much for the things and opportunities ive been losing for this self abandonment issue, but at the same time im trying to change this old beliefs inside. This conversation is helping me to build this bridge. Thank you so much ❤️

[@user-ob8qy4iq3m]

If I developed shame-based submission as a child as an adaptive response to my parents, how does healing that shame as an adult require me to redo my attitude, perhaps unexpressed, towards my parents? Do I betray my parents by revisiting and revising who I became through childhood submission? Do I betray my parents by becoming different than they raised me to be? I want to be an adult but I don't want to betray my birth family. I don't want to be alone, i want to belong and my birth family is my most primordial membership in a group.

[@mgn1621]

Curious why you believe healing yourself results in betraying your family?

[@user-ob8qy4iq3m]

I guess I assume that repairing self abandonment would mean ending my shame-based submissive attitude that I adopted while very young. I feel like, not just compliant behavior, but compliant thoughts and emotions are expected of my membership in my birth family. I want to respect my elders and my family organization structure, which I do not control and in which I try to fit.

[@katherinealba6768]

​​@@user-ob8qy4iq3m You have described a conditional love family. Why waste your time thinking about what a conditional love family wants?

[@elvenfox7261]

​​@@user-ob8qy4iq3m Why are you so concerned about remaining respectful toward people who are putting their self interest above your well-being?

[@Heyu7her3]

​@@user-ob8qy4iq3m it is only possible to get both if your family can accept your actual self. if not, then you must radically accept that you'll have to choose 1 of the 2.

[@Smootiful]

OMG, this was SO beautifully and thoughtfully explained! 💜 So many "a-ha!" moments for me. Thank you! 🙏

[@movewithmike]

Well, fellas, you've outdone yourselves with my favourite episode yet! This talk was poignant and soul-nourishing. I'm going to have to re-listen to the podcast again (and again)!

[@eecneihappy]

43:11 This an amazing 👏 episode!! You both have amazing insight, ideas and present in kind, patient and empowering way. ❤

[@karinturkington2455]

You spoke directly to my deepest self. It's beautiful to observe the interaction and discussion between the two of you, father and son.

[@selinaaustin5311]

so glad i stumbled across this today, I've been trying to heal myself and learn about my trauma and how it effects me, my choices and my relationships, this has truly been so helpful. you two are a joy to watch and i look forward to discovering more of your content thankyou!!!

[@megyerizsuzsadora]

Great to see such a beautiful father-son relationship! Thanks for the meaningful conversation🤗✨

[@jeanniecampbell1374]

Love the relationship father and Son here .. great meeting of heart and minds ❤❤

[@nozukosiyotula1252]

This was so good, it helped me understand the discomfort I feel in saying no and meaning it

[@user-ft9ul5ul5v]

Oh, he is really practicing what he preaches. Such good family relationships. Commendable

[@jm7514]

‘Abandoned authenticity to be safe’ , all of this is fascinating, but if you are not financially secure, none of this matters, not only these gentlemen, but all mental health.

[@Waves353]

I’ve done this my whole life due to childhood conditioning. It was safer, but I took it into adulthood, both in career and interpersonally and essentially crashed my nervous system. I’m not functional and no one is here for me Hard lesson to learn, she ultimately self compassion is needed for literally my survival

[@s22centuaryfox]

So right about 'security seeking' that hit the nail on the head! Seen it happen so often and its very common to be that way in my culture as its patriarchle and the women has no identity unless behind a man. Both of my parents didnt have a sense of self and done what their parents told them to do and that was their identity. This video makes sense of my life as self abundamant is part of my culture, its all about family and the community being happy rather than the individual, im starting to think outside this now, its toxic and allows for abuse and is neglectful to the self. Thanks for this video, so informative and needed. ❤

[@TheEpicPlace]

I really love this content and I really need more help in this area and I also really struggled as he shared about how you shouldn’t trade safety for authenticity, or like a bond to an external other for safety and find safety and yourself win for me in order not to get evicted, I need my bosses not to fire me and Everywhere that I’ve worked in the last couple of years my bosses have had a lot of issues with the way that I do things may be cultural or it may be because I’m neurodivergent, but I feel that I literally have to be hyper vigilant and I do have to help you hypervigilant in order to not get fired, and I know that it’s killing me but I’m actually trading it for not being homeless so I’m not sure how to how in that case, it’s not true that you’re putting your safety on an external other or that you have to. I’d love more thoughts on this if you have them.

[@_S0urR0ses_]

Thankyou for posting this!! Yea the truth hurts. I’m dealing w so much stress depression and beating myself up right now. Why is it so easy to go from the beginning of self abandonment to so much of a deep stage of self attacking. It’s like a chronic disease. It reminds me of how denial or addiction. becomes. It’s almost worse as far as the deception goes. I say this because you believe you are doing a good thing and it blinds you to the point you begin to hate yourself. Another part being I start to hate myself for neglecting myself and as long as I continue to serve everyone else I do not focus on regretting my own neglect!

[@NanditaDa]

The questioning and exploring of rebuttals on behalf of other populations is so so so useful! Thank you so much for that.

[@DumbBeat]

What an amazing conversation.

[@ooulalah4333]

I got the most insight from Dr Ricks eloquent way of explaining self abandonment. If he doesn't, he should have his own channel.

[@angeljosephs30]

This is sooooo enlightening on a really deep level I never thought I was abandoning myself 😔

[@bbraswe2]

You called it, gonna have to come back to this

[@Rudelherz]

Thank you for telling that you are father and son. If not I would have tried to find out the rest of the talk 😂 now I can concentrate on what you are saying❤ you two have a wonderful relationship, it is obvious and authentic from the first second.