Dr. Ramani Reveals How Healthy People Manage Their Emotions

[@youngblood8540]

End the relationship with the narcissist and cry once, is better than being with them and crying everyday.

[@lt827]

Anyone who leaves a narcissistic relationship and cries only once is damn lucky!

[@Spartan7646]

@@lt827 The "lucky ones" that only cry once are the ones who get out early because they don't ignore the red flags. They don't fall for the love bombing.and realize that this person is too good to be true.

[@honeykittn]

Here, cry once means about one subject means about leaving, whereas if you would stay, there would be so many more things to cry about.

[@blousug]

I just wish I would have had an awareness of this to deal with my narcissistic mother. She is 80 now and is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn’t talked to her for a week. But now I realize that it is her, not me. I am not a bad daughter or a bad person that deserves her cold treatment.

[@yrgarcon]

Or, keep your tears to yourself while with the narcissist and cry everyday when you’ve left…

[@sushmayen]

A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth.

[@LoveDancingLoveSinging]

Exactly the situation I am in now. The other (narcisistic) side does things so not ok and unfair, etc.. and now when I finally said something about it and took serious steps, I came under the most fierce attack and accusations..

[@Rosewood21502]

@@LoveDancingLoveSingingthe rules only apply to other people but NEVER the narcissist. So sad.

[@palalechat]

Offended by the truth, that's so true and very well said.

[@alimccreery755]

While I was living in the house of the narcissist I became aware that I was only his audience. I was never asked about what I thought of anything and at one time he told me that I should give him my voters paperwork. That’s when I realized I was nothing to this guy. He used my dog to get to me and used his flying monkeys when my little dog was allowed to get out of the yard while I was at work. I’m out of his house now and I’m taking small steps to getting myself back. Thank you Dr Ramini for sharing your videos. I still need help because what’s going on with me goes back to my childhood. When I was in therapy for my last failed marriage and working at a company where some of the people there were abusive I don’t think the therapist really helped me, I was put on medication for depression and anxiety but that was it. It’s taken this time frame and situation with a narcissistic relationships that have compelled me to open my eyes and mind further in order to deal with myself and others. You can believe me or not but from what I’ve seen already from where I’m living now that the flying monkeys have been dispatched and are spying on me and where I’m living. I witnessed a couple of sketchy people in my neighborhood. Ever since I started educating myself on narcissism I believe the information out there is right on point about these creeps. I’m living with friends that live in another state and they know what has happened to me. I’ve decided not to mention what I’ve observed in their neighborhood because I want to upset them. They are good people and we have our own issues that we are dealing with. So far so good because we have open communication where we listen without judgment to each other. I think I’m going to contact you for further therapy now that I’m out of his house.

[@MapleKlister]

My narc mom, when I call her out on her bullsh#*: "So sorry I'm not PERFECT like you!" Sorry, mom, I'd be happy with just "normal." I don't believe in perfection.

[@annaburns2865]

She is like the healthy mom we never got, because well, our moms were narcissists. 😅

[@susandyke7318]

She has some traits herself…..

[@Esspie_huez]

Agreed with my mom

[@Mel.H_]

Yes

[@curoseba5363]

Bingo

[@testing123.]

​@@susandyke7318we all do, but its about the ability to regulate and fair to others

[@branwynnemay]

“You don’t shove your emotion down someone else’s throat…” That’s such a big statement for me to process, and it feels so good to hear.

[@sainttheresetaylor2054]

wait so how are we supposed to express our emotions? all this advice is so contradictory

[@chonntonwonton104]

@@sainttheresetaylor2054she gave examples. When ur angry at someone instead of saying “how can u not be angry???”, u can say “__ makes me feel angry. And I get the feeling it isn’t as important to you as it is for me which makes me feel disappointed”

[@Ihatehuman666]

agree

[@Ihatehuman666]

@@sainttheresetaylor2054talk about yourself, your emotions, politely, without blaming another person in any way

[@dannelle17]

@@sainttheresetaylor2054 Express them by saying “I am feeling super angry in this moment and need a minute otherwise I’ll say something I don’t mean”

[@sushmayen]

Love doesn’t die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism.

[@ThingsILove2266]

Narcissism is neglect, because they don’t see you.

[@dianatenney7821]

Love that statement so true.

[@mayk89]

Exactly!

[@alienonion4636]

👍

[@gailrosenberg48]

WOW! So very well said. I told my ex that he murdered my love and his response? Silence.

[@imnoel8214]

"Three deep breaths could change the world". The world really needs this.

[@audronekvedariene5528]

❤

[@Cliohna]

2:35 identification, articulation 3:30 ownership 3:55 expression 4:18 reading the room 4:48 techniques 5:17 both sides 6:00 no expression is not regulation -> identification, expression, self-aware empathic feeling

[@EllieFear]

Thank you!

[@christielowery8442]

TY❤

[@herrnschorchhoertzu]

You are an angel

[@olenabanders2319]

Great Summary 👍 ❤

[@alejandraduran7651]

💜🙏

[@gertrudewest4535]

I was raised by narcs and you are so correct, they make you believe their rage and violence is normal. I am by nature, sweet and peaceful. I have always deeply loved animals and for some strange reason ( given my family of origins), had the gift of empathy. Needless to say, I was rejected and ridiculed. At 57 I went no contact with my family and I have been doing pretty good. It’s been difficult in some ways. They are, after all, family and it still hurts that I disappeared from their lives with barely a murmur from them. However, liberating, because I am learning everything you mentioned in this episode that sadly should have been taught to me as a child. Self regulation was fairly easy, when I finally created space for myself. They do not like seeing others in control of themselves. 57 years of how awful and incompetent I am, replaced with best friend self talk - Hey, you’ve got this and you’re going to be just fine. Do you know no one ever said that to me in my entire life? Thanks for all you do Dr. Ramani. I saw your powerful TED talk 5 years ago and it started me on a revolution.

[@MarJo333]

Same, then my narc father died, whats my mother do , latch onto another idiot. Can't stand him and barely go around him or her for that matter. Now he's sick and yes I hope he's not long for the world. It's just the truth. I feel guilt for even saying it, but...

[@katherinerinck3722]

You're incredibly strong, keep on the healing path! ❤

[@nicholashuff4198]

Almost 45 here, and what you wrote feels so familiar; in a way i feel robbed of my childhood and early adulthood, and now the only way to save what's left seems to be to let go of what i never had. idk what the point is, anymore. What am i fighting for?

[@nilaja-itsmylife]

I relate to you so much! I’m 45 and going there! Bless you for your strength. And mine barely made a whimper either when I finally went no contact. And you know what? THANK CHRIST. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. I pray your continued strength, growth and success!! YOU CAN DO IT!! 💪🏽👏🏽🙌🏽🙏🏾✨💯❤️

[@alienonion4636]

You're doing great and everything is fine. Today is a better day... enjoy it. ❤🎉👍😁

[@vacationeyes6430]

Maturity is when you realize the silent treatment is actually the best part of a Narcissistic relationship. A small moment of peace in an otherwise turbulent situation. But don't enjoy it too much. Once the Narc realizes you are enjoying their silence, they will switch their strategy and find another way to abuse you.

[@rosameijering5161]

Ues this is just the moment you need to leave

[@tabithawaylan1303]

This is my world

[@VoidG7867]

Nothing's made more sense. I realize now when I feel like my life's going good why everything comes crashing down

[@PKr_0]

This is soooo true

[@dblanc3870]

Not if it's with a narcissistic parent. It's more psychological disturbance and emotional manipulation. The silent treatment is a worse feeling than being verbally abused.

[@youngblood8540]

Being a good person doesn't get you loved, it gets you used by the narcissist.

[@emmajohnson6955]

FOR SURE, that's why it hurts so much

[@Leoo117]

No. Being a good person attracts other good people. A lack of boundaries is what attracts a narcissist.

[@Ben-ru9ju]

You can be a good person but discerning to avoid this in the future. You don’t need to downgrade yourself to be safe.

[@sushmayen]

Being a good person is for our sake

[@Spartan7646]

A narcissist doesn't love anyone. When they see a good person, they see an OPPORTUNITY AND A SUCKER. When you fall in love, the last thing on your mind is drawing lines in the sand. Because you don't expect, the person that loves you to cross them.

[@MissRaggsy]

In 'LIE TO ME' starring Tim Roth, he takes on an employee whom he observes at an airport being hyper vigilant when approached in the security queue - he notes how she pays particular attention to his behavioural traits and 'micro-expressions', and surmises that she grew up in an abusive home, where she was constantly scanning the facial expressions/behaviour of parental figures to see early warning signs of rage and abuse. I found this a striking observation about human behaviour.

[@Bernergirl2008]

Lie To Me was a drama, but it was actually based on the real work of Dr Paul Ekland (sp?) on the concept of micro expressions of emotion, the theory being that there are seconds-long external expressions of our internal state that occur before we have time to “fix,” control, or suppress them to align with our narrative of social expectations. In one experiment I think he was able to predict the divorce in marriages with something like 98% accuracy based on identified micro expressions of contempt. Any sign of contempt for one’s partner meant that the relationship was doomed.

[@TheTallous]

I still do that to this day

[@altobonifacio8936]

I do this but trying to percieve narcs and psychos

[@87genia]

I love that show!

[@christielowery8442]

TY for sharing! I will watch "Lie To me"

[@artifundio1]

I think that's why I thought for so long, that I was a narc too. Growing up with narc parents that never taught me how to regulate myself emotionally, has been one of the worst disabilities I had to break through. I am still learning. As long as I use my energy wisely, I am great. If I over do it, if I offer to help in too many things, if I do after office gatherings, if I have to be in charge of a public situation for too long... I will be in danger of becoming an a****le 😢 The worst part is the "rumination hangover" 😓 after a public display of disregulation. My advice for anyone who feels the same, is: Learn to identify your energy levels. Learn how to increase it, and what makes it drop. Use your energy wisely 🙌. As I get older, I need more alone time to recover. But a single positive short interaction is equivalent to a 3 hour nap 😅

[@artifundio1]

@@hddh8974 you are right, sometimes we can apologize and it ends up being a good thing to do for everyone involved. Even sometimes, it can be an opportunity to know more about each other's point of view or background story. Thank you. But sometimes, apologizing is not well received or handled. I work in construction, and this is no place for softness, so apologies are handled differently. Unspokenly. By trading workload maybe, or covering for someone. (Or hating each other forever). So, it's a very high energy consuming brain decoding activity 😅 I've grown to like it, now that I understand the code. Still, I would happily say I'm sorry instead 💜

[@natalie20835]

I am totally appreciative of all these sharings. I hope for the best for everyone 🙏🏻 ❤

[@v_kaydubz7424]

Yes, this is so relatable. I, actually plan and put into my calander how I will allocate my energy for the week/month. I consider socialising, household chores, exercise, time with kids - anything that taxes me energy wise and I consider how energy draining they are and so I schedule all of these things in a way that (hopefully) doesn't drain me too much. People are the most draining aspect of my life. The thing is I also have to consider the likelihood that I am going to have hurtful memories of people pop up on particular day, because then I try seek validation from them in my mind and that takes more energy 😅 You've probably guessed by now, that I feel drained alot 😅, but I'm guessing that you probably do too. But I'm sure we'll figure it out 😊

[@borsincka]

This is gold, yes. I think this is the first video that made me seriously doubt that fear i have about being a narc - no, its probably just my emotional regulation being out of whack at times.. and the overextension leads to resentment, bleh, thats tge part that i hate😅 (therapists have told me im not but i would still worry sometimes )

[@kw.9021]

This is the first time I’ve heard of any of this- thank you for sharing this

[@heyitslaurenritter]

I love that you pointed out that being stoic isn’t the measuring stick for a healthy, emotionally regulated person. Most of my life, I’ve felt that my big emotions were an issue. Now, I’m slowly realizing that while I need to work on my regulation of those feelings, having feelings or needing to express them isn’t the problem. Thank you thank you for saying this!

[@codyp2808]

This is a lovely comment. I have had to learn that being angry isn’t a shameful experience. Being aggressive or defensive or dismissive when the situation does not require it is harmful to myself, and creates the cycle of shame.

[@Ishu759]

Preach it❤

[@nancymcnichol2894]

A narcissist doesn't like it when you regulate your emotions. In fact, I'm convinced they thrive on chaos and conflict. In my experience things can be perfectly fine and they will erupt without warning, looking for and creating problems that didn't exist. They can't handle leaving you alone with your own thoughts, however innocuous those thoughts may be. If they're convinced you have the slightest thing on your mind they will push you to tell them your every thought and take you from perfectly fine to gradually starting to feel anger build within you. They make it extremely hard to stay regulated. More than once I've found myself trying to explain for no apparent reason that everything is fine, only to be called names and to have my narcissist demand to know what my problem is. This happens regularly on long drives where they've been sleeping and I've been doing the driving in silence. It's almost like if you don't immediately express joy at their awakening from their slumber and celebrate it, you're the one with a problem. It's very odd behavior on their part. I used to think they might be crazy but more and more I'm starting to believe it's a symptom of narcissism. They project anything and everything they think, feel or do onto you. There's no other explanation I can think of because many times I've found myself in the position of having to defend my own truth to the point of complete exasperation, where I actually start to feel dysregulated and will snap back at them, which doesn't help. I have gone from truthfully answering that there isn't a problem to give me a minute to make one up to satisfy you. Over time I've come to realize that harms me the most. They have a way of getting under your skin and really turning your entire day upside down. If you can get out of a narcissistic relationship, please do. ASAP.

[@l.5832]

Watched a DVD with my husband. At the end of the movie I commented that I wished the movies would give credit to the filming locations by setting the movie there instead of pretending it was always New York or LA. Husband flew in to rage, chased me and pinned my to the bed. I managed to call the police despite him grabbing my phone and throwing it across the room. Complete inappropriate response to a comment about film credits (and yes, I have divorced him).

[@spicyphilly]

You've described one of many confusing experiences I had with my ex picking fights out of nothing, completely making stuff up to fight about or accused me of. After awhile, and learning more about his childhood with a narcissist father and enabler-codependent-alcoholic-bpd type mother I began to think he craves chaos because that's what he grew up in. He was accusing me of things that happened in his childhood between his parents, or things he said his exs have done. So I thought I'd prove him wrong because I'm not like that at all and he'll eventually see he can trust me and doesn't have to keep behaving in those toxic ways. Ex was also an alcoholic and had absolutely no boundaries or extreme unspoken ones, was passive aggressive as a result, expects everyone to read his mind (while denying he does, but then says "you should just know") and even became physically abusive. I tried being supportive and compassionate, but ended up committing reactive abuse and becoming more like him just to survive till I couldn't take anymore and got out. Ironically he was the one always breaking up with me in a drunken rage, then either acting as if nothing happened or I'd ask him about it and get him talking and he'd apologize. But it just kept happening and it was a nightmare because I had to leave (I lived with him because he invited me to and insisted when I was hesitant) sleep in my car or sleep at my friend's house if it wasn't too late. It happened so often though that I wore out my welcome at my friend's house and eventually lost the friendship completely. We had to move because his landlords sold the property. I got a place this time with the understanding (that he agreed to) we aren't playing this game anymore. This is a fresh start. That didn't stop him. He continued to drink too much and mistreat me, got into more physical altercations trying to get my car key from him a couple times leaving me bruised and sore. I gave up trying to get his car key from him. Plus I had been supporting us and his two preteen boys financially for a year, I was beyond burned out and disappointed. After 7 more months of this crap and more that I'm leaving out for the sake of keeping this from being a book. I held him to it when he drunkenly broke up with me again and harassed me half the night. He came home the next day, mother's day, like nothing happened, didn't say a word to me or even look at me for hours. After my holiday phone calls I tracked him down, passed out in the lawn 12 feet from where I had been sitting while on the phone, no idea he had been right there. I tapped his foot, he woke up with a start, I asked if he was here to get his things since thats the last thing he said to me. Oh he raged and turned it around on me as if I caused all this and made him do and say everything he did and he was justified. I was DONE and didn't care about keeping my cool anymore I reacted back and told him how I feel and how it is now. Said one thing I regret, "you made your bed now sleep in it", I don't feel I needed to point that out, but everything else was facts about his drinking and behavior. Wow. What an ordeal. I can't believe I lived through that with him for 7 years. I guess I should consider myself lucky it wasn't longer. I just wish it hadn't been during the last of my 40s. Nothing like starting completely over again in every aspect of life in a new town while going through perimenopause 😅 Blessings to all the survivors on their journey to becoming thrivers ❤️

[@CC..Jeremiah9_24]

I grew up in constant chaos, but I can hardly deal with the constant chaos now, and it’s just me and my soon to be ex-husband. Making sure he leaves echos or chaos for me, after he moves out. Two weeks and counting. It’s been rough so far, getting worse as his departure gets closer. He doesn’t want this divorce and he is making me suffer for it.🥹

[@lilalecompte788]

Very well put! Been there done that!

[@fuzlinmansoor2935]

❤️

[@japalmer2]

Holy Crap. I didn't even think to figure that out. My childhood was full of yelling, invalidation, drama and violence. Thank you for explaining what healthy looks like. I've never been told this information ever! I was a psychology major.

[@xw591]

Ah yes, the major which studies all the ways the brain goes haywire

[@YNGG1FTD]

Crazy smh

[@spokenwordpoetries]

How wild that studying psychology didn't cover this!

[@maralfniqle5092]

Yeah they don't teach most of the good stuff. Only Freud and he was a piece of work himself

[@mellymelle860]

OMG! My parents are narcs. I can’t take being yelled at. At ALL. I shut down or burst into tears.

[@myhandlewasstolen2]

Same, my folks are a bit narcissisitc and socipathic but they are not full-blown.

[@mayk89]

My sister was present to my narc's rage episode (it happened through the phone; can you believe it?!). She saw me through the distress & the huge sadness. She was discrete and supportive. At the end of the day she asked me; how come you don't explode!? And she was right. Right there I realized I was over-regulating on the benefit of the Narc and on the expense of my well-being. I'm grateful for my sister's remark today.

[@JB-jg1tc]

You didn’t explode because you knew it would be used against you. The Narc was intentionally baiting you to try to then make you look like the problem and control you. When you’re near someone who does this regularly, and can’t escape, it turns into suppressing nearly all emotions as a survival mechanism.

[@sophiachampsi8953]

I had a similar experience when my sister came to stay and witnessed my ex's tantrum/ attitude, not once but a few times.. She said to me, you ve got to get out of here, you have to leave! When I got the courage to do it, he actually went to her to tell her to talk to me to change my mind. My sister said, I m not interfering, its her decision. Then he changed tack and said, I don't need you anyway. Then when I had packed up the car, he told me to stay till the following day as it was late...I said, no, that I was never coming back and didn't want to see him again...

[@nana8135]

❤❤

[@godzillamanstreb524]

@@sophiachampsi8953glad you made it out alive 😮

[@rileyhoffman6629]

My sister and I used to call ourselves 'performing seals' for Mom's pals. At 70, I'm just starting a healing journey.

[@gottabme]

I'm doing it @ 66 y.o. It's never too late, I guess. Maybe it's the best time, as I no longer care much, what other ppl think of me! Just think, we can blame our slip-ups on our "second childhood"! Lol! ETA: Sincerely wishing you the best on your journey!✌️♥️

[@mlcarey1000]

I'm 72. What a culture we were brought up in! Another "seal" here. 😊

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

❤goos for you! More power to you on your healing journey!

[@satorarepo744]

I called my siblings the Batman and Robin of Invalidation. One would tell me I had my facts wrong, then the other would come in to tell me I felt wrong too. They are a decade my senior, and 40 years later, they have the same old tricks and nothing else for me. If rug-pulling was a sport, they'd be olympians.

[@rileyhoffman6629]

@@satorarepo744 Rug-puling... good one! Learning how to be a good human, an evolved member of the species, is a lifelong process. At least we've started the journey; some never do and, ultimately, it is their loss. One foot ahead of the other and keep going.

[@lt827]

I remember once people being amazed with me that I was not upset when someone hit my car while it was parked. I was already so upset with other things, I couldn’t get more upset. For once, I felt like an emotional goddess after years of being told my emotions were inappropriate.

[@satorarepo744]

I identify with this. I've been told in every context outside of my family that i am a kind, well spoken, and a problem solver and very good with difficult people. Within my family of origin On The Other Hand, I am told I am the root of all problems, any fact I bring up is challenged, any need I express gets met with rug-pulling, and by the way apparently my parents didn't love me or so I am told. When I stopped showing up for it, then suddenly I was destroying the family. I mean, come on, at some point you have to walk away from unreconstructed abusers. I love my siblings, but for their own good I had to cut them off from their drug of choice - me.

[@haymaker299]

I've had that experience too. When you live with dysphoria, other people can be amazed at how you can take a setback so well. Meanwhile the explanation is that 1 more grain of sand on the mountain didn't really change the mountain much, so no wonder the mountain didn't flinch.

[@Ikbeneengeit]

Many people assume that this stuff is "obvious" and "normal" but for me it's a revelation.

[@DarlingAngel-ui6kl]

If you want it to be normal than you are getting morally flawed .i can never accept their behaviour...I mean accept the reality ..that this is.

[@eg4441]

@@DarlingAngel-ui6klpretty sure they're talking about healthy emotional regulation, not the dysfunction of toxic people

[@richardhole5301]

Great stuff. My father was a narcissistic parent. Yelled with impunity. Took me well into my adulthood with lots of therapy to learn what is healthy.

[@musicwalkmanws]

Yea ot so sad that when you grow in those family you think beatens and mistreating ots normal and you get to believe there is something wro g with yourself... until you are really a grown up with all those scars

[@denisedevoto5703]

Sounds like my dad. Sorry you had to go through that.

[@MarJo333]

Mine too. Horrid narcissist. Full blown hit my mother when I got older hit me...when the bastard diedI did not shed a tear. I hated him . He hated women. But had many girlfriends , he was loaded and could be charming when he needed to be to rope people in. So I suppose that's why they stayed as long as they did .

[@crimestoppers1877]

Yes, women at their "best", me, me and me! Shoes anyone? @@MarJo333

[@Truthteller1s]

My father and his father as well. I swore I wouldn't be like them. I swung too far the other way. I had no boundaries, people pleaser, and became a doormat. I let my narcissist ex run all over me. I have been no contact for 7 months and I'm still learning to advocate for myself. Sad how dysfunctional people came destroy so many lives.

[@kriswinters4225]

"any form of anger can become terrifying" - that is an eerily accurate way of describing it truth-telling --> scapegoat child of 2 narcissstic parents

[@leeboriack8054]

My recovery from a narcissistic partner involved yoga, counseling, creating a family of choice, gym, rebuilding my life. A martial arts class will help rebuild confidence.

[@bfreeume]

I grew up with disregulated parents and I swear we live in a disregulated world. My parents weren’t narcissists just deeply wounded. More emotionally immature. It’s been a journey of growing and healing. I feel we are finally waking up in the world to all the power imbalances and disregulation. That being said, there are narcissistic humans, and I wonder are they just deeply wounded humans? It’s so complex. I’m exhausted, as I wound up being the emotional caretaker and became deeply burnt out. I am slowly healing, though feel like I will never quite recover as it took a huge mental and physical toll on me. Finding wise support has been truly hard.

[@PanioloOutdoors]

I agree. I think most people are disregulated and we all need to learn to own our emotions and have empathy. ❤

[@weaviejeebies]

I have ADHD, so emotions can be 0-60 in 5 nanoseconds and very intense. I learned to rein them in very early, because an impulsive, reactive kid doest survive a narcissistic father. Bottling it up caused me a background rage from never being allowed to be myself. The older I get though, I realize there is another type of ferocious temper inside, my own sense of entitlement, my inner drama queen. When she rears her head, I get all these ideas of ways to lash out, manipulate others just to get what I want. All those nasty tricks that growing up with a puppet master teaches you. I realized that unlike the ADHD or PTSD influence on my emotions, that side of me is actually pretty level headed and not that impulsive. It's calculating and devious, and when I feel that coming up, I also feel in complete control and can easily choose not to act on it. I think that's my Cluster B inheritance from my father. It made me realize that he, too, probably always had that power of choice over his sadistic and selfish nature, but instead of choosing the alternative like I do, he just went with it. He knew what he was doing. He might not have had any healthy emotional regulation, but he sure as hell had control of his behavior.

[@andreas.healing.journey]

That side is exactly why my ex almost convinced me i was a narc. But you're exactly correct, we don't act on it, can even be mortified by those thoughts. A narc acts on them and doesn't feel remorse about it. That's the difference. Would really like to understand why these thoughts occur though...

[@spacecommandor]

I feel the same way. Self awareness is key. I’m so glad you are able to reflect and identify those traits in yourself. Don’t hate them, it is just you recognizing your tendencies. Wishing you the best

[@juliaklymenko195]

Check out “No Bad Parts”

[@adelemartin6322]

I was never taught how to regulate my emotions, because one parent used rage, lectures, and control, and the other used fantasy, addiction, and disassociation to manage theirs. It's been an uphill climb to learn these skills myself. Serious healthy mom energy here. So wish I'd had some of this when I was young.

[@MsRainbow1983]

“Three deep breathes could change the world” Dr Ramani ❤

[@redlikewineagain697]

I worked in the court system many years ago. The judges would scream pretty regularly at just about everyone. You literally had to walk on eggshells around them. And the screaming was going on while in open court. If they asked you a question, you had better know the answer and not attempt to flip pages in your folder. Not kidding. Obviously, you could not talk back to the judges, even if they were screaming at you. Or you'd be held in contempt...and probably lose your job as well. We were, in essence, being trained to hold in emotions and allow someone to verbally abuse us. We were told not to take it personal. It was demeaning and humiliating. I think this can set up certain people to not be able to recognize abuse and stay and tolerate it when it would be healthier to just leave. Great discussion, Dr. Ramani! ♥

[@jdredman]

This is a great point. If it wasn't our parents, it's somebody influential in our lives, and we end up learning this stuff.

[@ssummers9541]

​@@hddh8974What a naive response. Narcs are drawn to positions of power so they can abuse their power with impunity. If they are overwhelmed then it's their responsibility as an adult to get therapy for it, get exercise, take vacations or whatever helps them to cope. But the people we're talking about WANT to abuse their power. Lots of judges, and others who have stressful careers, don't rage at and abuse others. Please stop excusing this behavior.

[@redlikewineagain697]

@@hddh8974 Yeah...they have so much pressure on them, see human depravity and misery...because no one else in the court system does (which you know the court system is a very large umbrella, right? you know that, right?) and are inundated with work---more so than anyone else, so that makes it ok. They don't need to regulate their emotions. Got it.

[@ssummers9541]

@@hddh8974 Said just like a flying monkey.

[@sunnybein1]

@@hddh8974your truly naive…people who go through family courts repeatedly report their judge was Narcissistic..stop excusing their ‘job’ as the reason for their behaviour.

[@Anonymous-kp3jf]

This is the video I needed. I quickly jotted down some key points: >Don't stop respecting someone just because you feel something >So, learn what respect is >Stop before you react >Express the emotion appropriately (AKA: don't just cry a river in your boss's office; don't just walk away out of nowhere; don't close a phonecall in someone's face; etc) >They are THEY, you are YOU >How am I feeling? Name the emotion >So, learn how to tell just what it is that you're feeling >How do I deal with this emotion? >Learn tips and tricks for next time >Learn how to know when you're feeling strongly at all

[@CC..Jeremiah9_24]

Thank you for compiling this list. Screenshot it to refer to daily for now. Thanks again, God bless.

[@AR-vf7vg]

God?

[@cheyennesandoval29]

Thank you, I needed to hear this 💕 "We can't turn off our feelings, but we can't expect the world to stop for our feelings." 👏🏻

[@ceuson3]

My ex pulled me into a family issue text chain & I spent serious $$$ on counseling to be clear about my emotional maturity through the ordeal. This message was what I needed. Emotional regulation - I have emotions, I acknowledge my emotions, I regulate expressing my emotions in public. Whew. I did exactly that in the texts. I didn't blow up or cringe in fear. I stuck to the issues and my feelings about the issues. The narcissist will never have power over me again.

[@theresamark8220]

Yikes! That sounds awful. Money well spent, though, ridiculous as the situation may have been. ❤

[@mary-anncarleton7578]

My childhood consisted of yelling parents, a dad that beat us up, threw us down the stairs etc. Mom would stop it most times or sometimes call dad to take care of us ( inappropriate violence). As a young adult I learned to shut up and shit down or fly off the handle. As an older adult I went silent after horrible relationships with violent abusive men. It's taken years ( years ) of working on this and now regulated ❤❤❤ with constant awareness and improvement. I prefer plants over people and that's ok.

[@freerideforever888]

Whispering a prayer for you today ...you've come this far...keep having faith you will completely recover! 😊😊😊

[@kawstar78]

I’m so sorry try for you. I hope you know you never deserved any of this treatment and you can heal to thrive now.

[@firefeethok_tui2355]

So well said. Im so sorry the little girl you were, suffered at the hands of abuse from o es who should have protected you. I sometimes say that the stress of being parents causes those that never learned how to regulate to be that way. Im so sorry That you wnet through that. Keep moving forward, life is a journey, we learn and survive, and then as we encounter people, we help others be we can very easily ID those who are sufferering and need so e advice/help. You helped me feel less sorry for myself and realise I could have had it so much worse. ❤❤❤

[@roslyncerro1263]

Plants and pets are great!❣️

[@internetmachine]

This may sound silly, but Doctor Ramani you are a hero. You are a person and lady that young people and girls should look up to. Because I do, thank you.

[@jillianowen1668]

I wish they could teach children how to emotionally regulate and what healthy relationships look like in the school curriculum. I truly believe it could really change the world ❤

[@roxanahaloiu6757]

Well, it's a little more complex than that... we tend to internalise models from our families

[@cyny6305]

It's unfortunate that teachers are expected to train children in skills that their parents should teach them but their parents don't have these skills either.

[@Clever1976]

You think government run schools give a toss about kids emotions? 😂 A beautiful but very naïve idea.

[@RiaMegnin]

Many actually do! It's called social-emotional learning, or SEL. Unsurprisingly, many of the most unregulated narcissistic bullies have led efforts to ban SEL, calling it socialist propaganda or weak woke liberal bull****. Those of us on this healing journey know better.

[@lanni8224]

I think it’s a great idea! And to work with parents!! I wish these teachers had more help , more training on how to identify a child that could be suffering from mental illness or trouble in life, home .. , it’s a almost impossible job when children don’t all fit in a the same box to teach them . Most teachers are not allowed to identify issues with parents .

[@christismith8052]

Thank you!🥰 five years ago I left a 32-year narcissistic marriage where I did this - I held all my feelings inside (and was physically ill until I left) - now that I am safe and healing, physically and emotionally, I am still learning how to express my feelings in a healthy way - thanks for all you do, Dr Ramani! 🥰

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This is how I feel. I am expected to tolerate a lot of crap and hold it in until I can’t stand it any more so I snap and get upset, which I am then criticized shamed and blamed for. So tired of it all. Telling myself it’s not just me and not all my fault even if I have a trauma history. I work on my emotional regulation but I am allowed to have emotions and limits. So tired of being the scapegoat with it all. I can barely stand being around some of my family sometimes because of it:( Doing what I can to regulate myself without expecting much from them. Thank you Dr Ramani. I have to get that book! ❤

[@colton4261]

Me clicking this so I can learn how you’re suppose to function properly 😂

[@ConfusedMuggleborn.3561]

So True! 😂

[@youlovejenn1]

My thoughts exactly 😂

[@domoxd3020]

No shame in that at all . Sometimes we gotta learn the healthy things that were never taught to us 👍

[@avocados1707]

exactly 💀

[@alchapopapo]

Me too ✍️✍️✍️✍️

[@karadanvers6136]

thank you for saying what i couldnt say for myself out loud, pushing emotions down bc you had to, bc there were consequences for speaking out and up for yourself from a parent that had problems regulating their emotions. so then when it came time to emote, nothing came out, or sometimes the gasket blew and it ALL came out at once. thank you.

[@mbernesdotter6881]

❤

[@steggopotamus]

This tracks. My abuser would literally say "I'm always stressed, I'll never be not anxious and stressed, but being around you (me) helps" (turns out she was trying to outsource her anxiety management) And simultaneously never stop taking everything I've said in the worst light. She would interpret beyond what was even possible. We did therapy together, and the therapist would have us interpret what the other said. That's where I saw that their viewpoint was was always colored in a very offended victim mindset and was literally hearing things that weren't there. That's when I knew communication was impossible and I had to go NC.. (Example: Me: I feel invaded when you do interrupt me from my naps. Her (reinterpreting): you hate me and never want to talk to me again. (She did this around the therapist, so she clearly thought it was a rational enough interpretation that she thought she could win the therapist over with her words.) I've never seen them take me at my word, the only time the "forgive me" for their misinterpretation is when someone else backs me up. So even when they back down on a particular point, they're still proving that they don't trust, me, my viewpoint, and they're too triggered by me for us to have any kind of meaningful relationship. However, I'd like to put the regulation on a scale. If you used to yell and break things, and graduate up to walking away without notice, that's progress. Also, it's impossible to regulate around certain people if they're triggering enough, so the regulation comes from not interacting with them.

[@mvbigmagic4048]

"Also, it's impossible to regulate around certain people if they're triggering enough, so the regulation comes from not interacting with them."

[@annwen4791]

Thank you for this. I have had a really hard time trusting my feelings after having parents who would do this kind of misinterpretation and emotional monitoring. Therapy got me back my sense of emotional autonomy, but dealing with similar folks who at baseline don't trust that I feel what I feel and misinterpret behaviors or words is still deeply triggering. Glad you were able to walk away. 🎉

[@ysbel]

More videos like this, please! I realize now I grew up with two parents who neither regulated their emotions in front of us. I remember as a young adult seeing a couple work out a pretty serious disagreement very calmly by talking about it and it was mind-blowing.

[@catherinedubrovna7756]

It's a healing experience.. for me it feeld good to see thid

[@toomylight2311]

Yes but I think we also must not blame our patents they didn’t know any different.

[@evelynnnyt]

@@toomylight2311I hate seeing this excuse in spaces like these

[@carospereman3537]

how healthy people regulate. Great vid.. please do more on healthy emotional healing. Congrats on your book Dr R, just outstanding!!!

[@lt827]

I remember meeting someone who reported me to HR for raising my voice. In his family, people never did this. To him it was like breaking the law! Very different than the narcissistic family I grew up in.

[@vickimann3262]

You have to if they are deaf.

[@horsedewormer]

Oh boy that's some perspective right there :x

[@keithlightminder3005]

Some grew up in a screaming household, and realized at school this was not just abnormal but unacceptable. Still heard tales after going grey rock from others who had been screamed at by family members and wondered how The ex-scapegoat fit into that. Some were over regulated at home and the others were completely unregulated unless an outside audience was present.

[@lt827]

@@keithlightminder3005 I once had a neighbour who threatened to call the police because two people were in a shouting match. You’d think the police had better things to do with their time.

[@melisherwood5300]

I have been in that situation at work as well; honestly though, I don’t see it as so bad to raise your voice once in a while.

[@leeboriack8054]

Recovery from a narc partner or a narc family is a long term goal. Get therapy, study emotional intelligence, assertiveness training, create family of choice. Purge all resentments.

[@CD_RN_Independent_Voter]

Thank you, again, Dr. Ramani, for pointing me in a healthy direction on my healing journey from chronic narcissistic abuse.❤️🙌🏻 Healthy Emotional Regulation: Summary: Identify the feeling. Feel the feeling and express it in an honest way. Be self-aware and epathic to others in the situation. (1) Give myself permission to identify my feeling, feel my feeling in an honest way, articulate my feeling, and articulate how I need to respond to process my feeling appropriately. (“I feel really angry right now. I just need to sit with this.”) (2) Own my emotion as my emotion. Own my experience and POV as mine. (Do not project or impose my emotional reponse, my experience, or my POV about a situation on other people who have their own valid emotions, experience, and POV. Do not say things like, “How can you not be angry right now?” Or “How are you not sad right now?”) (3) Express my emotion appropriately. Do not scream. Do not frighten people. Do not threaten. Do not become violent. Do not break things. Do not just walk away without explaining that you just need to step away for a moment. Do not just hang up the phone. (4) Read the room. Do not express emotion the way I want, any time I want. Feel my feelings, but do not expect the world to stop for my feelings. (5) Figure out techniques that manage my emotion in the moment. Expression, “3 Deep Breathes Can Change the World.” -Allow myself to stop before I respond or react. -Do not spew my feelings all over the place whenever I want. Examples of calming techniques: breathing exercise, meditation, mindfulness, … (research and try other techniques) (6) Review both sides of the situation. My feelings and experience are valid. Feel my feelings. Simultaneously, consider that other people’s feelings and experience are separate and valid. Accept that narcissists will NOT value other people’s feelings and experiences because they lack empathy. Accept that narcissists will NOT regulate their feelings. If the Narcissist gaslights me for the thousandth time, do not tell them they are an a-hole or rage at them. -Instead, take a moment. -Recognize that person’s behavior is reprehensible. -Give myself permission silently to identify my feeling, feel my feeling, and silently articulate how I need to respond appropriately to my feeling (eg “I feel angry. I need a minute to myself to breath and process this.”). -Realize that repeat exposure to narcissistic behavior requires repeated use of this emotional technique and recalibration for healthy emotional regulation. (7) Do not repress feelings, especially strong feelings that need to be processed. Repressing feelings is not emotional regulation. -Do not feel pressured to avoid talking about my strong feelings and responding to them appropriately. -This can lead to an uncontrolled emotional outburst that you later regret. -This can also lead to decline in emotional health, such as anxiety and self-blame. -Victims of narcissistic abuse are commonly indoctrinated with the false belief that their feelings are not valid and their feelings are wrong, so the victim represses their feelings. When the victim lets out an uncontrollable outburst of repressed emotion, the narcissist commonly gaslights them with the false belief that the victim is overly dramtic and overly emotional. I’m a 43 y/o single nurse. I can’t afford to get away from the status quo of narcissistic abuse in my healthcare career in the hospital setting (ie antagonism, aggression, invalidation, exploiting, triangulation, gaslighting, scapegoating, and flying monkeys). Narcissistic behaviors are at every hospital at varying degrees of severity. My emotional longevity relies on you, Dr. Ramani. Concurrently, I rely on the CPTSD coach on KZbin Anna Runkle (aka “The Crappy Childhood Fairy”) because I am also healing from CPTSD from chronic narcissistic abuse from my mother, who I am now estranged from. I also rely on my psychiatrist who prescribes me with Adderrall for my ADHD symptoms and Zoloft for my Depression. Everyday, I hide my emotional struggle from my colleagues about my dysregulated anxiety, low self-esteem, and low-self efficacy. Outside work, I live in isolation where I constantly devour self-help and journal obsessively to ingest and apply what I learn. I try to make my toxic painful dysfunctional confusing thoughts healthy bit by bit as I journal. I also run 6-12 miles 4 days a week to feel baseline optimism and hope. I use up all my free time on self-help and exercise just to feel normal enough to work, so I don’t have time left for personal relationships. I don’t feel lonely because I am naturally introverted, but I am aware that I am also pathologically avoidant due to difficulty trusting anyone in my personal space closer than arms reach. At my best, I am capable of meaningful work, financial stability, physical health, and meaningful superficial connections with patients, their visiting family and friends, and some colleagues. But I am totally incapable of meaningful and lasting personal relationships. I accept myself and my circumstances. I feel grateful about what I DO have right NOW. I feel grateful for my potential next steps to enhance meaning, enjoyment, and love in my life. Maybe I will join a group of other people healing from narcissistic abuse and CPTSD so we can obsess over self-help together.

[@arxsyn]

Dear CD, Thank you for sharing your healing journey. I understand, because I'm in the same boat you are. I think you're doing great. You're doing the work, the self inquiry, upgrading your IQ and EQ, for taking personal responsibility for your own will being instead of depending on others. It's tough. It's hard not to be resentful to be left behind, to be abused, discarded, left in a dysfunctional, dysregulated, traumatized, catatonic state while they operate happily, blissfully, guilt free, blameless, everything's great for them. They still act out and they won't change, they're not going to do the work. Whatever the case, this time around, I'm changing for myself, to benefit me, and not ever the other way around, how the narcissist tried to mold me, control me to conform to their selfish, self serving needs and expectations. I got into the orbit of mental health and wellness organizations and it's a true blessing. A peer leader reached out to me to join her group to socialize and exercise, that is inclusive and conducive of emotional support and Being a safe space for people to open up, Express themselves, talk about struggles etc. I'm thinking of joining. So we'll have to see if it's right for me. Don't lose hope. You've come so far. You will find your tribe. If not, found your own instead of waiting on others, know what l mean? Wishing you all the best!

[@Nushka23]

Wow. This is the first time I have heard someone mention the narcissistic abuse of staff in hospital settings. I have been under the care of gynae for over 5 years now. 2 male surgeons and one female surgeon I have seen have been horrendous in varying degrees of severity. One I believe was intentionally malicious and belittling, would put his hand to my face to stop me from talking, others, less aware of their behaviour or contradictions. I am yet to know what my dx is after years of a painful mass in my abdomen, corroborated by imaging, yet all I have been met with is denials, deflections and diffusions by moving me elsewhere. “I’m not doubting the mass is causing you pain, but beware following your surgery to remove it your pain may not have disappeared”, has been a common sentence. I have never been lied to so much by a specific profession in my life, or been made to question my own mind as much. I believe I handled the malignant narcissistic abuse from my dad as a child better than this. Thank you for highlighting it.

[@CD_RN_Independent_Voter]

@@arxsyn Yes, you’re so right! It’s totally unfair that narcissists inflict real emotional wounds in other people while they operate happily and guilt free, further proving their point that there must be something inherently wrong with the victim but nothing wrong with the narcissist. I’m so relieved that Dr. Ramani is educating the public with extensive details and examples about the pathology of narcissism. I love that you’re trying that peer group. I’m going to look for some peer groups that I might fit into. If I don’t quite fit in one, I’ll just try another.

[@CD_RN_Independent_Voter]

@@Nushka23I’m so sorry you had to experience narcissistic healthcare workers as a patient. I hate that naricissists are allowed to do direct patient care. They are hurtful to patients AND their colleagues. I hope you can request/demand for different GYN surgeons or go to a different hospital/practice. I wonder if you had surgical residents taking turns doing surgery for your case since you had more than one surgeon and each of the surgeons seem to lack the expertise to diagnose you. If I was your nurse, I would: (1) report the unprofessional behavior of the surgeons to my Nurse Manager and the Medical Director, (2) advocate for you to get an experienced Attending GYN Surgeon (rather than a Resident who’s still learning), or (3) ask for an higher quality Attending GYN surgeon because the previous 3 surgeons were unable to adequately diagnose you, or (4) I’d help you find a better GYN surgical team at a different hospital or practice within your healthcare network.

[@Nushka23]

@@CD_RN_Independent_Voter thank you, this has been really helpful. The surgeon I mentioned (who I believe was intentionally harmful) specialised in the area. I saw him privately for removal of the mass and he told me to get under his care on the NHS. When I did, that’s when the behaviour began, and it was when I spoke out about his conduct that I was later made aware he read my letter and I was referred on to one of his colleagues who does not specialise in the area. So I believe you’re 100% correct with your assessment as to what has happened. I really appreciate your knowledge and input. Thank you x

[@PaulineMesplou]

Thanks Dr Ramani for this excellent reminder. I find the hardest part of self regulation is to name your inappropriate reactions to your children, own your responsibility and sometimes fault and guide them through the process by sampling it. Very hard to do but liberating and empowering for all.

[@jordanc6081]

It's often hard to see whether one was raised by a narcissist. There's a deep loneliness to dysregulation and not feeling "allowed" to be oneself that seems to be shared with so many other problems.

[@idunnowhat2puthere]

it’s crazy to hear this and to recognize that just 2-3 years ago i was extremely emotionally dysregulated but just the other day, i had a huge fight with an (i think) narcissistic ex and i felt the most emotionally hurt than i have in a while to the point of actually throwing up. but during the entire time i was trying to emotionally regulate. i was taking deep breaths, checking in with my emotions inside me, and pacing to try to burn like that energy, even though it was pretty difficult for me to do, i’m pretty proud of myself

[@srfirehorseart]

Well done! I like to hear about people who have turned their lives around.

[@FloridaLadyGardener]

I have a narcissistic adult daughter who has broken my heart to pieces by ghosting me over 3 years ago, has little if any empathy and no remorse for hurting me. I wish more videos included content for those of us hurting in this situation. There are sadly many of us parents who have estranged adult narcissistic children and we are trying to cope with the ghosting and abandonment during our golden season of life when we deserve to be happy. The stigma on us is most undeserved. Thank you. Your videos are excellent. A+ for all of them.

[@dollyalexandratorres2031]

Congratulations on your new book! And Thank you for all you do.

[@dansasap]

Thank you! I found this do useful I took notes. Hope it can help others... Healthy regulation: 1. Feel the emotion, react and behave in an adequate/corresponding way (facial expressions, laughing, tears... physical reactions), name the emotion, articulate what you need 2. Recognize what is your emotion / that others can feel and face emotions differently 3. Express it appropriately, control your behavior, do not engage in verbal or physical violence 4. Still take others into consideration, read the room, the context, express emotions in the right way at the right time, don't expect the world to stop 5. Figure out techniques to manage emotions and feelings, to slow down, self-sooth and think before you react or respond 6. View both sides of a situation, know you are not the center of the universe, recognize others have an experience too Not regulation: 7. Not expressing feelings is not regulation! It is over-regulation. Repressing feelings is physically and psychologically damaging, don't keep it all in. 7. Over-regulation puts you at risk of blowing up at the wrong time, in a damaging or even dangerous context... and starting to feel crazy yourself! It can fuel the abuser's gaslighting 8. If you realize your own dysregulation is a problem, you're not a narcissist! (And THANK YOU for that last pointer! I have felt sooo crazy in the past, that should be on a poster hanging in every school, doctor's office and most of all in every single therapist's waiting room in the world!!)

[@ladyg852]

Thank you❤

[@janefreeman995]

I was feeling the gravity of my dads narcissism as being sick. There were times when i was near him that i had to conceal dry heaves. His narcissism was so severe i felt this as a mental sickness There was a shining bright bar of light protecting my heart in my minds eye. I asked myself what i can do, i cant hold this deep negativity and memory... The answer repeated again and again 'this is not yours to hold, this is not yours to hold'. Recently i was around someone who started behaving moody and negative. I felt triggered. I would not characterize her as a toxic person in general but instead of feeling embarrased and ashamed and awkward, i started to self speak (to myself, not out loud) . 'You dont deserve this behaviour...youve done nothing wrong, breath, you are good, this is her mood, etc .... . And the energy changed. Also back to my dad....i was at the beach while contemplating this and saw a gray rock with black striations in it that were erratic black lines.. It represented this unhealthy ekg of narcissism. I tossed it into the waves.😮

[@RubyVazquez-yp7dq]

whoa. That bright bar of light protecting your heart is GOD!!! WOWwowowow Our Lord is always with us even in difficult times.

[@vizii8111]

I don't know how to thank you! With years of emotional abuse I don't know how to self regulated for that reason, my health is been affected. I'll take notes. I appreciate you Dr. Ramani!

[@Sskim-ue6]

Yeah I forgot to regulate and be in control. I literally speak with my emotions and never my words. I had silent treatment as a child from my mother and then from my ex husband.

[@Cleomauser]

It will still affect you and sometimes you just don’t want to feel the pain anymore but you must face the facts and stop making excuses and then you will know what to do. This process takes a long time. Meditation and other means provide a certain measure of relief but unless you process for yourself everything envolved you will not heal. But the subconscious will only set free what you can process. My doctor said decades ago start with one issue after the other which you are aware of. And I found this helpful.

[@l.5832]

My problem is that although I cut my narc sister and mother out of my life, because so much of what they did, did not make sense at the time, only now, years later is the picture really coming together. It's hard when you are in the middle of it to see what is really going on. Reading back in my journals of events that didn't make sense to me at the time I am seeing just how horrible they both were. Full of lies and deceit. I try processing each element as it comes up but my brain is always seeking the truth and the truth is so ugly.

[@joanndeck4315]

@@l.5832it’s called cognitive dissonance….how you feel about the ugly truth….it’s a normal psychological reaction to revelation of pathological behaviour of others….

[@Artlover2803]

I have found vipassana a kind of meditation helps deal with subconscious mind. A whole lot of stuff gets processed in a short time.

[@Cleomauser]

One of my major mistakes was interpreting self pitying by the narcissist as empathy even towards his mother who was supposed to die from cancer and because she didn’t right away he had her transported to his sister in an ambulance a long ways away. She died on the way there and he inherited her money because she owned land in Phoenix.

[@Cleomauser]

Yes the truth is bad but in the end they reap what they sow - very unhappy lives without empathy clinging to material things and harming others without remorse, no heartfelt feelings

[@tiffanyglaspie563]

This is kinda where I’m at in my healing process. Understanding “realities”. When mine was broken due to my soon to be ex-husbands mask falling, and I had to pull myself up from literally nothing because everything was “his” it all started me on this painful journey. It has helped me in every aspect of my life.

[@angelacruz1628]

THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME! 😊 Thank you so much Dr. Ramani, I will take this with me for the rest of my life, Truly! Now for the first time, I think I am not going to judge myself, or shame myself and be empathetic at the same time. For the first time I can recognize my emotion with out judgement. But also feel it without pushing it down. Happy New Year and May this be the my first year with healthy regulation in it. I cannot thank you enough. Many blessings to you Dr. Ramani!

[@ny2phillyholloway592]

Just pre ordered the book!!! You have been the most valuable source of knowledge in my 4 yrs of healing. You're empathy when dealing with cultural and financial issues in a narcissist relationships is exceptional.

[@My5t13]

The term “Over-Regulation” is something that should be talked about more. Since I’ve learned about narcissistic relationship dynamics, I’ve seen it as under-regulation (on the narcissist’s end) and over-regulation (on the my end) in order to cope. Dr. Ramani, you are the first mental health professional I’ve heard ever reference this “under vs over regulation” dynamic in this way. This understanding may help other survivors better understand their place in the relationship and begin a journey towards healthier emotional regulation. THANK YOU!… for the description of healthy regulation. It was desperately needed.

[@abczyx9780]

The same for me. I never heard about over regulation before. But is describes very well how stoic I look on the outside. Which doesn’t mean it’s the same on the inside, there it is the opposite. Very stressful.

[@leeboriack8054]

My recovery From narcissistic abuse, included yoga, working out with free weights, healthy food, and doing kind things for other people who would return the favor. I also join several social clubs.

[@areejshaikh]

4:41 "We don't turn off our feelings but we also cannot expect the world to stop our feelings so it's knowing them feeling them identifying them but also reading the room". -Dr Ramani.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Beyond Brilliant. I had to watch twice to get the subtler nuances of this critical subject. Understanding what healthy regulation looks like is so important. If you've spent years in narcissistic relationships, it can be very hard to regulate your own emotions while not catering to the unregulated emotions of the narcissist. Thank you! BTW, you look really pretty, Dr. Ramani.

[@TheDjbutta]

One of the most traumatic events of my childhood was repeated panic attack induced fights with my Mom while trying to explain to her how things were unfair for me. My brother was abusing me at the time: As an adult my ex would often try to gaslight me towards a panic attack during fights so that they could win. I would try to explain what was happening until I lost faith. Even if that’s true, as an adult I still need to take ownership of my emotions. Life can be so brutal sometimes.

[@nana8135]

❤❤❤

[@cardinalflower6959]

Best wishes to you!

[@smango64]

I will admit it has taken 59 years to recognize this and the death of my narcissist to move forward. I am so ashamed of my past angry outbursts, and growing house was known for screaming 😢 I have gotten better over t h e years at outbursts. I have a lot of narcissistic tendencies myself, but I try every day to be a better person. Thanks doctor, it's a crazy road but you make it easier 😉

[@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538]

When you've been hurt by others expressing their anger by physically hurting you, it can seem like the other extreme - not showing "bad" emotions - is the way not to hurt people like you were hurt. It does hurt you physically and it makes it hard for others to know the real you.

[@dm-31024]

Congratulations on your book. Well done. Thank you for your content. Grateful.

[@PenninkJacob]

Finally!!!! Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!👍❤❤❤👍 I don't know what anything good looks like!!!

[@johnjohnstone9805]

The subject Emotional Dysregulation feels a bit overwhelming to me and reminded me of Aristotle's quote about anger, The Gold Standard I suspect, "Anybody can become angry-that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree, and at the right time for the right purpose, and in the right way-that is not within everybody's power and is not easy" those Greeks eh had time to ponder perfection that still isn't realized to this day.

[@maralfniqle5092]

Exactly, 💯

[@tabithawaylan1303]

I’m so thankful to have found your videos. I’m seeing glimmers of hope for myself again. Taking baby steps but I’m stepping. ❤️

[@alexandraporter5051]

I would love more videos like this. So helpful and profound especially as a mother of two young boys. I'm leaving an abusive narcissistic marriage and I'm the daughter of a narcissist dad. This is so helpful - teaching me how to regulate and be a better parent. Also giving me the tools to pass down to my kids.

[@kognitivescientist]

I love “It’s not you” title! Opposite to “it’s me, I’m the problem” which is symbol of trauma

[@smidge99]

You look GORGEOUS, Dr. Ramani! 😍

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@elizabethwilliams6651]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

[@Jennifer-bw7ku]

Yes, dr.sporessss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@steceymorgan814]

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

[@elizabethwilliams6651]

Is he on instagram?

[@Jennifer-bw7ku]

Yes he is. dr.sporessss

[@aynilaa]

My father and my sister yell at others while my mother gives the silent treatment. It was fun growing up.

[@anneparrish2247]

Didn’t know what I was feeling as a child, flipped into denial and pleasing so fast I never went there. Now I am learning to ask myself and understand. Just having my finger on my emotional pulse is enough. I don’t see much value in sharing as I am the one making choices that pertain to me and they don’t really care. Wondering if those of you who grew up in a narcissist household have experienced it like that too.

[@tictactoedias1908]

Dr Ramani you look stunning tonight ❤ thank you for all your enlightening videos 🙏

[@Greenwitch_Garden]

Went no contact a year ago. I was the truth teller and the black sheep. Still figuring out who I am, how to regulate, and what I want in life at age 37. ❤happy I was able to get away and see the abuse for what it was instead of listening to how everything was my fault constantly. 😢My biggest problem right now is I always feel like the bottom is going to drop out, shit will hit the fan, and I’ll be forced to rebuild my self esteem all over again. I work in a profession that has a lot of narcissistic people. They’re attracted to me for some reason. I keep having run in after run in. It’s wearing me thin.

[@babysab8013]

Of course narcs are drawn to you since you can be abused. It happened to me a lot. What helped me is I made some money and became super bitchy. I am aware I still have my vulnerabilities but I become super cold when a narc wants attention and they give up. My advice for you is not to give them supply, be reserved and super busy, they will leave you alone

[@srfirehorseart]

Narcissistic people are probably trying to feed off your energy. If you learn to set and maintain boundaries, plus the grey rock technique, they will move onto easier targets. Good luck!

[@spectator0916]

Oceans of gratitude to you for educating us, Doctor Ramani!

[@paintedtorso]

When you do express emotions only to be recieved by a rageful dismissive response, over a period of time, this also creates damaging physical and psychological damage.

[@sunbeam9222]

I've spent the last few years observing the people I consider healthy/ happy. I learnt a lot!

[@yanagalkina7677]

That rare moment when you search for a video with a specific issue and you actually find exactly what you’ve been looking for ♥️😭I have issues regulating my own emotions so thank you for these tips

[@GGVanilla]

I was raised by narcissists (and I still live with them). Only the narcissists can express emotion, often anger, often with violent actions and language. I have ZERO idea how to express healthy anger. Just two days ago my flying-monkey cousin was insinuating that if I had kept the house clean things would be much better. I was furious. She knows all the hurt and pain they've caused, and she knows none of my narcissistic siblings have EVER washed a single dish. I used to and all it got me was to be the narcissitic mother's little slave. Now I stay in my room, I don't even come out to pee when I need to just to avoid running into them... Im still trying to process the anger I felt when she insinuated that it was all likely due to me not "pitching in" enough, and that if she was in my shoes the house would be spotless. Oh I am SO angry and I have no idea how to let it out. I got in my car and started screaming while driving. Other driver's must have thought I was a nutjob. I can''t wait to get out of here and actually feel emotions. Even if its alone in a room.

[@beccareynolds4625]

You’ll get there. Keep on keeping on. Focus on you and your side of the street. And f what anyone else says. Flying monkeys and all.

[@ca147]

I could have written most of this. I grew up with a narc mom and an avoidant/absent dad. I had an older and younger brother, but I was the scapegoat/problem child/maid. First, I think screaming in your car is allowed and an appropriate way to let off some big angry feelings. In this video she talks about us having to hold everything in while we are around narcissists. We're not robots and we need to let our emotions out. I would actually suggest practicing recognizing and letting out those emotions a little bit in front of the non-narc people in your life. For example with your cousin, say "It's shocking to hear you say that. It makes me upset or frustrated or mad because I do try so hard". I think we actually need to practice letting out our emotions to other safer people in our lives in a healthy way. And it's always better to scream in the car than screaming at a person with power over you who has NPD. And I know it's hard to hear people say very dismissive or unhelpful advice when you're constantly putting up with narc abuse, but remember most people have no clue what your reality is and by no fault of their own can't begin to wrap their heads around it. Focus on the little bits that you can control. Wishing you the best ❤️🙏

[@olivejuice2024]

My car was my safe space once I got my license. Learn to the lyrics to a good metal song and blast it down the highway screaming your brains out.

[@jenhasken]

You are off to a good start because you are aware of your truth, you are not allowing yourself to be gaslit. Good for you.

[@CelestineTheConfused]

You've got this!! Freedom is as sweet as it tastes, hang in there

[@alisonclarke3738]

I've never purchased a book SO FAST in my life! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with the world. You've healed more people than you'll ever know. ❤

[@Fight-4-your-food]

I have found that there are times i do not need or choose to announce my feelings but will talk to myself later or journal. Sometimes music that brings insight, or a walk by trees and lakes or working out at the gym helps me process and if i need to bring something up in conversation later i will do it but i like that preview time to make sure i am not reacting and it is more of a responding after careful consideration. I want to make sure what i say is truly representing who i am and what i think. Often in the moment we can get caught up in reacting and our minds play tricks on us and we can say something we didnt mean to say at all. Meditation and spiritual time also helps.

[@someonerandom256]

I've made huge strides in this area over the past several years, and your videos were definitely a catalyst for the change.

[@rahwakefela3367]

Love every single video ❤

[@Lifeofbeenoo]

Mine would slutshame me followed by screaming and taunting 😢 thank god I finally got away from this mess after 4 year of in and out struggle. Healing now ❤Thank you so much Dr Ramani for these videos. This is educating me a lot.

[@biggregg5]

I have situations where I'm not very good at emotionally regulating....definitely.

[@magiegainey5036]

Yes, so true! I used to hold it in til I blew up and heard “see I was right! See how you are?!?“ I had to figure out how to say how I felt without screaming or feeding into his gaslighting. It was then that I felt strong enough to get away. Thank you Dr. Ramani .

[@saf1ya]

I’m so excited for your book and im so proud of you Doctor Ramani! You saved my life with all your sympathetic but yet educational and straight to the point work and I’m sure you’ve helped other just as much. You deserve the world❤️

[@sophiareijne9873]

Its so good your explanation about healthy regulation of emotions! Thank you for resuming ways to manage emotions! ❤️🙏🌈

[@Lbcanderson]

It’s so hard for me to cry. I went maybe 10-15 years without crying at all. It’s easier for me to cry at a movie or commercial than anything in my real life.

[@ajisenramen888]

This is so valuable. I feel dis-regulated when old wounds are opened and don’t know how to ground myself. I can to a certain extent but being mindful and taking a pause is just what I needed.

[@ranc1977]

1:51 "By and large most survivors of narcissistic and antagonistic relationships over-regulate." OMG this is huge revelation. I was convinced I am dysregulated but actually it is not dysregulation - it is over-regulation. This is mind blowing. This aligns with IFS - which tells us that panic, worry, rumination, fears anxiety - stem from parts of ourselves which try to regulate our Self - but they do it in dysfunctional way since we are not in healthy ambient - so we mimic toxic people and how they regulate - in wrong ways. We never had healthy model to learn from how to deal and handle toxic people and difficult moments and events.

[@NIASUN1480]

My mom really messed me up! This describes what I experienced so perfectly as a child. When my mom was displeased with me, she would go radio silent for weeks. As a child, I would say moma, I'm sorry or would try to engage her in conversation, and she would look right through me as if I wasn't there. I'm almost crying as I type this. I would live in my room during these times with my door closed, where I would escape into a book or used my imagination to conjure up beautiful places. Can you imagine being 8-9 yrs old and being ignored for weeks by your mom? Never understood why I suffered from anxiety or panic attacks until I discovered what it meant to be a survivor of narcissistic abuse.

[@TheWritingTamara]

I like the way we’re all acting like it’s only the other person that’s narcissistic, how nobody is actually owning up to being guilty

[@jessicalinger7689]

I always wonder about that

[@jessicalinger7689]

I always wonder about this

[@Anelkia]

I think it's because a narcissist wouldn't watch these videos? Idk that or some people here need to look in a mirror

[@jadegreen1554]

This is gold. This is EXACTLY what victims need. This walkthrough is exactly what helps victims know how to deal with the situation. Bravo

[@nicholashuff4198]

i like to think i'm learning to regulate. The pain is real, and while i try to take a deep breath and express myself in a non-toxic way, i am not sure there is a way to articulate my disappointment without inflicting pain on others. i lashed out early this morning, something about waking and wanting to make breakfast for the family only to remember i'm not baby-daddy material. An old friend, now single mother of two, replied that a woman with kids could still love me, and it was all i could do to stifle a response that wouldn't hurt her. i wanted to be a proud husband and father, so much so it never manifested. i care about her and her daughters, but i wanted a family of my own, not the discarded leftovers of some rando. She doesn't understand that, but i can't expect her to.

[@Daisyviolett_]

I’m 25 and I had that explosive moment 2 months ago and It has affected me physically. I’ve been seeing the doctor and running tests as I may have ibs or celiac disease. Also started therapy about 2 months prior to the explosion. It’s been tough but i am living in a safe place now & prioritizing ME for once. PLEASE SPEAK UP AND GET HELP AS SOON AS YOU CAN PEOPLE. You’ll be shocked to see how willing people are to give a hand ❤

[@LynnsYouTube]

Love your shirt. That's a great color for you.

[@RalphARoo]

I appreciate you and other therapists for posting these helpful videos. I couldn’t afford or have the time to talk to a therapist one on one.

[@mioara8169]

Dr.Ramani I think sometimes their self disregulation affects us and makes us dis regulated ; remember a situation when my mom didn't allow me to show emotions and she kept repeating: I don't want to see you , I don't want to hear you , you are stupid to feel this way , so I suppressed my feelings, but later on I started crying - unstoppable - in the middle of the class at school. I felt twice embarrassed and I couldn't explain my outburst... obviously I couldn't also speak with nobody for a while until I got in touch with my aunt, the only one who took time to listen to me and to comfort me . Until today I considered her my real mother. 10:58