Confronting Self Hatred

[@alexandrahyde5761]

You have one of the most beautiful souls I have ever encountered, and I don't even know you. Thank you for what you're giving to the world.

[@gjsoncloud9]

This video has really helped me . Thank you so very, very much !

[@josephmikkelson9607]

"Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping"

[@agentcovfefe6983]

That's a good tip ❤️

[@relaxation_and_tax_evasion]

Jordan peterson has been really helpful

[@AaliyahAziz]

I Hate Myself And My Body

[@madisonaubrey6076]

It’s funny how as kids we were taught the phrase, “treat others how you want to be treated.” And now as adults we need to learn to treat ourselves as we’d treat others. ❤️

[@ColinBurmingham]

Dude this is deep. You have a gift for verbalising deep things of the heart. This goes beyond ego. I think you're onto something with acknowledging our fallibilities and confronting them. I need to sit with this before commenting further, (and get back to work), no pithy statements today from me about Timmy's treehouse - great metaphor.

[@nosaizekor8389]

Colin Burmingham please please please please Frank stop saying these negative things about yourself you are a wonderful guy step out of your comfort zone and spread your wings there is hope for you I like you a lot you are an inspiring and motivated guy stop saying these negative things about yourself you are a superstar and you are funny and talented your videos inspired me you make me laugh be positive make more KZbin positive videos

[@michellemichalik8284]

Everytime I want to feel that someone understands me I just need to come to this channel. The topics are so fascinating c:

[@katjasaukkonen1874]

Don`t EVER delete this video, FJ. You are a beautiful soul.

[@noreahughes-capua5011]

Wow I just realized that my whole life revolves around self hatred and I have been using it as a defense mechanism for years. “I hate myself more than you ever will so you can’t hurt me”

[@StephanieDouglassMusic]

FJ 👏👏👏 GREAT VIDEO MY FRIEND. My biggest personal source for self-hatred is when I start to feel trapped in my situation. I got SO depressed when I went back to work too soon after my surgery. I couldn't believe I let myself be so incompetent. And I was so ashamed, it permeated every bone in my body. Especially because my work friends have, in the past, seen me as kind of a person who exemplified health and wellness. So I felt like the worst human for letting that go. For "giving up" on all those things I'd been working on when I finally had some time to myself to figure out what really brought me life. My source for self-hatred and shame is often feeling incompetent. It's taken years to open my eyes to the idea that many of the painful situations I've experienced in my life were NOT my fault. My therapist introduced to me the same tool you used. She asked, "Would you ever say those horrible things to your best friend?" And then we took it further - every time that voice starts saying hurtful things, I need to say 3 nice things about myself. It slowly worked. And that stressful work situation I had last week - I was practiced enough at that that I could internalize it not completely being my fault. But I was able to work it out. And it's okay now.

[@mmprettypistol]

Frank, your hair looks great today! I'm so glad to see you are bathing regularly. One of the symptoms of a self-loathing mindset is Physical Neglect. Not because you don't care, but because you may feel like you don't deserve to look or feel good. You punish yourself with neglect and then you feel validated in hating yourself more & more. And when you are in self-loathing mode, no matter how many people tell you how great you are, you can't relate to it. It may even piss you off more. Self-Hate is too big of an order to address without the use of an archetype. It fits so well with INFJ's personality type since many of its symptoms align with INFJ's characteristics. Carl Jung's Shadow, the black side of someone's personality comes to mind. Ego, & collective unconscious quickly follow. Until we confront the unconscious we are imbalanced. Jung himself was an INFJ. As one of my favorite TOOL songs lyrics say; "I want to feel the change consume me, feel the outside turning in. I want to feel the metamorphosis and cleansing I've endured in. I want to know what I've been hiding in my SHADOW! Change is coming. Now is MY TIME!

[@jasminemariedarling]

A youtuber I'm obsessed with, Kelly Ann Maddox, has a lot of interesting exercises on "shadow work", the process of dealing with your dark side/the things you hate about yourself. One example would be to personify the attributes you hate, give them names, interact with them, ask them why they are here, etc. I'm paraphrasing here, but her ideas really help!

[@nicholasjh1]

Shadow work is great. Though it doesn't necessarily have to be about self hate. We examine the world through only projections. Shadows are the projections that are in shadow... Ie that we don't have good control over or knowledge of that are controlling conscious behaviors behind the scenes in an unconscious fashion. Ie the unconscious loop behind the self hate for example.

[@nicholasjh1]

Though to be clear a lot of shadows are pretty dark

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Nicholas H / I see lots of utube hosts talking about “making friends “with the darkness within.. hmm, anyway, I am positioning myself to communicate & receive enough goodness to light up my interior .. it’s a dynamic process .. not a one time job .. 💪🏼😆🌻

[@onceuponablink6736]

You’re the friend I never had but always wanted

[@MLopezVoice]

I love you. This isn’t a joke. This isn’t even me being nice. Thank you for posting your soul. Lord it’s so refreshing.

[@MetalBere]

Love these "serious" videos. I can relate so much 😊🙏

[@2316lc]

You are so articulate, self-aware and incredible at translating our thoughts/motivations/intentions/feelings eloquently. You talk about things I relate to so much and about things I am not even aware of until I listen to you. You've literally described exactly what I'm going through right now. You are amazing, intelligent and I love your videos and your perspective. Thank you for making these videos and for just being you. I hadn't watched one in a while but I really needed this today.

[@TheRaGiTe]

That's what loving yourself means to me, seeing yourself for what you are, your strengths, mistakes, areas you find challenging, poor choices etc, accepting that, forgiving yourself, or asking for forgiveness for the weaknesses and deciding what you can do next to become a better version of yourself (and sometimes you might decide that nothing needs to change or it's just not you to be a certain way). A process of constant confronting, forgiving, accepting and active improvement in a way that's nurturing to yourself.

[@BetseyTrotwood]

I couldn't agree more! I think people started giving that "love yourself" phrase a narcissistic connotation (something like "even if you can change the wrong things in yourself, don't do it and pretend they're good"). But at the end of the day, it's when I love someone (or at least _I care_ about someone... but isn't caring a way of loving?) that I take some time to tell them: "hey, you need to change that", and at the same time I'm not judging them because of that. I'm just being objective. And when I love someone I'm also more patient with those flaws that can't be changed. If I don't love - or care about - someone I don't even waste my time trying to do anything. I hope what I wrote made sense! :)

[@qu0thraven]

Yes! Totally agree. I think 'self-love' also has to do with finding a way to provide for oneself all those things we tend to crave from other people in a way that means we are taking responsibility for our own happiness and well being. I think this might include things like, compassion, validation, understanding, forgiveness, comfort (self-soothing), even taking time with oneself, or taking yourself out to do something you've always wanted to do.

[@BetseyTrotwood]

I agree with you, qu0thraven! We should definitely think about ourselves as if we were our own friends! (Maybe this sentence doesn't make much sense... Whoops!)

[@qu0thraven]

Makes sense to me! ;)

[@BetseyTrotwood]

:)

[@lindsaykempka2976]

You are the realest, rawest, most genuine KZbinr I have ever watched. Ever. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.

[@CityPriestess]

It think self love is a simple concept when you know that love means acceptance compassion trust and generosity. Self hatred is simple the opposite of all that: when you don’t have any of that trust in compassion for acceptance of your Self it hurts like f**k every day. You can “get away” from your ego exactly as Frank describes: realizing that the components of your personality are not who you truly are: they’re mostly contructed defenses, affectations that you think make you more acceptable. When a child you love is ostracized or bullied would you shut them up inside a small room, paint the outside some pretty color so no one sees the sad child; or wouldn’t you hug them, comfort them with kind words, take hold of their hand and walk them out of that place of hiding saying be yourself, I’m here for you. You have to be that person for yourself. Because you did not have that person there for you in your truly vulnerable times and a kid. We can learn to be there for ourselves that way with time.

[@baileyab47]

This is gold.

[@rosemary702001]

This is my experience and conclusion. Self hatred is rejection of the very essence of who you are and that is learned. Children are born egocentric and entitled. Socialization is taught by their parents or caregivers and they don’t always make the distinction between managing the id from rejecting the id. We don’t need to disavow our uniqueness in order to learn to be socially acceptable but that kernel of doubt that we have about our worthiness is the needle in the haystack that intuitive types find with ease and it’s hard to let it go. How can you love yourself when you were taught to change yourself to fit in? And you never do. It’s like trying to make a left handed person use their right hand. It confuses the brain, makes them doubt their perceptions and they become clumsy in their dexterity. For me, I stopped self loathing when I realized my value. That realization came from my faith. When there is no loving reinforcement to tell you how adored and adorable you are, we can be assured that our Creator loved us enough to design us individually. So, the journey is a faith walk first. The rest falls into place on that path where all the other roads lead back to self hate.

[@itsaishawhite]

Hey, Frank. I paused halfway through the video to begin addressing the what ifs that you didn't acknowledge. Resumed the video and was quickly reminded that you're good at addressing multiple angles of a topic so those questions quickly got answered. I appreciate the message of today's video but I would argue against one thing: your statement about self-love not getting you anywhere. If you consider someone who hates their treehouse so much they've decided to burn it down with themselves inside, self-love serves as a kind of negotiator. Put down the match. A person can keep working to love themselves enough that they slowly deconstruct their treehouse and rebuild it with care instead of letting it rot away or destroying it so it ceases to exist. Self-love can be tough love. I think it sprouts from self-awareness. Just my thoughts on the matter. By the way, no one can fault you for taking a video titled Confronting Self Hatred to a "dark place." Off to listen to some Paul McCartney. I hope you have a relaxing weekend.✌

[@natalietadros980]

Your videos are therapeutic to me

[@jlryder97]

Solitude is a good way for me to discover the source of the self-hatred and manage it. A long weekend in a remote place with no people around... If the self-hate fades away, then I know the triggers are external and can more easily identify and manage exposure to them when they crop up again.

[@coloraturaElise]

I've never had this issue, but I had a best friend INFJ for many years (they are great for ENTJs to be friends with, because they help us see below the surface) who I am sure was dealing with this. She was amazingly intelligent, cultured, talented in so many areas, but never felt she was good enough. She knocked herself out trying to keep up with her own idealized image of what she should be. I always attributed it to her seeking her mom's approval, since she knew she was her mom's least favorite child of her 3, even though she had very little in common with her. But she was her dad's fav, was so like him, and he was proud of her. But it wasn't enough. She had TWO engineering degrees that she earned at the same time, worked for high profile government projects, was almost a cordon bleu chef, made wonderful, original costumes for opera and dance companies and learned to sing herself-- I mean, seriously, what couldn't she do?? But it was never enough for her. I spent many hours on the phone with her, helping see all this and trying to share some of my natural confidence with her. She did finally marry a wonderful man, and we have lost touch, so I hope she's doing well. It's amazing how much INFJs can see about others but not themselves, isn't it? Anyway, love ya, FJ!

[@alexanderstosich3584]

"self-hate really is the same thing as sheer egoism and in the long run breeds the same cruel isolation and despair" -heman hesse

[@cgarcia660]

This is a big help for me. I tend to compare myself with others which causes insecurities to grow and fester. The negative loop is disastrous for my mental health. It helps to be aware and that really is the key to overcoming the pitfall of self hatred and self negating. You’re right that it stems from self love and ego and the hidden ambition to be better, even the best. I definitely need to rewatch this one.

[@paulagonzalez1721]

This is very insightful. I remember doing this so many times when I was younger (late teen years-early 20s) . I think that as we get older, we do finally confront ourselves on it and improve. It happens naturally. I dont even remember how I eliminated this behavior. In my case, it just happened. I feel that as INFJs mature, our self-reflecting nature help us soo much in making the positive changes we need to make. This is definitely a coping mechanism.

[@Quetzalcoatl-Dragon_97]

It's videos like these that make me want to hug you.

[@andreagrace7264]

This is your most useful and introspective video in my opinion, and I'm so glad I finally watched it. Very grateful for this today...thank you.

[@MA7-6585]

I think you are the bomb. Frank, love yourself please. When you talk dark I feel sad. Not to make you feel bad, but aware.

[@arielezra8555]

I really appreciate the analogy of reacting to your negative traits like helping a friend and that you wouldn’t hate a friend.

[@webmamma5000]

Wonderful insights. You are very courageous. Thank you.

[@Lotusblume.8]

What you’re talking about reminds me of this book I’m currently reading from Teal Swan, “The Anatomy of Loneliness: How to Find Your Way Back to Connection.” It talks about how we fragment ourselves because of undesirable traits we wish to separate ourselves from and that we have different personalities within and how to basically go through the pain to connect again with that part of ourselves in order to rid ourselves of the shame and the sense of loneliness we feel within which reflects to the outside world. We can’t hate something we identify with and consider ourselves, according to Teal. I’m still at the beginning but it seems like it can really help to see things differently.

[@colettejones3977]

Recognising my own source of self hatred was the first step towards improving my perception of myself, being able to identify that most certainly helped me become much healthier mentally.

[@aileenquince642]

Oh yes what does self love mean? And you are absolutely right, self hatred is a mechanism to justify not doing anything.

[@tofusamurai22]

~ 5:00 "Hating yourself feels pleasurable in a weird way." --> Legit

[@anneoftheland1658]

You have helped me so much in finding out who l am, something Ive struggled with for years...I'm an empath and infj...You are helping me find myself and understanding who l am...

[@o0Marilyn0o]

You're right Frank, what a great video! I've been confronted by people telling me that they don't want to have self-compassion because it would "encourage them to be lazy". I know the benefits of a good kick in the butt so I get what they mean but the problem is that when you hate yourself you are becoming very vulnerable and being hard on yourself definitly won't get things done and won't help you improve. You don't kick someone who's already on the ground, you help them get up and make sure they're fine before confronting them. We should do the same for ourselves.

[@alliarsenic]

I hear ya, FJ. I love when you go deep into these often untalked about topics, so relatable. I wish we could see more of these semi-self-help/ in depth looks into issues of this nature. 😘

[@13091986]

Wow. I've been binging your video's for the last 2 weeks (yeah, I know, late to the party) and this one is the first to actually show a commercial after your announcement. Deeply shocked, was not expecting that. Keep up the good work (or something less cheesy that I would know the right witty and clever expression for if English was my first language).

[@Alonicaink]

You are turning into my online therapist! I think you are most effective because I am unable to interrupt you, and I am forced to listen more! You are so cool and attractive! :)

[@teddysshow4302]

Self reflection with FJ. You’re the coolest dude with the best hair.

[@ArtistIntuiting]

Oh my gosh I didn't expect the video to be like that for Coming Up lol! I love the Beatles but have only recently looked a bit more into Paul's solo stuff. I feel lucky I have so much of his music I haven't heard yet.

[@stephaniewashere9821]

Your Two-Type Timmies are hilarious. 🤣 I can't get over them.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Refreshing & insightful 🌱

[@georginaleeson9036]

I hope that sometimes, just occasionally, you ask yourself what you appreciate about yourself too? What you do well and what is good about you? I know that it doesn't come naturally to you and that you are modest enough to brush compliments off but as productive as focusing on one's shortcomings can be I think it's useful to look through the other end of the telescope too, just now and again. I loved your point that self-hatred/self-love are closely related (and an excess of either is problematic.) That was an enlightening thought. I'm definitely not an advocate for mindless self-love or an artificially inflated ego (a nightmare!) but a constant focus on self-improvement can be suffocating. (This coming from a person that is currently rebuilding the whole treehouse. I'll definitely aim to add an arcade 😅) You're always so engaging, whatever subject you choose. Kind and compassionate. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I truly appreciate it (I'm just feeling a little quiet/exhausted at the moment.) I'm really looking forward to listening to the podcast 🙂✨🌌

[@paulmessis1985]

I'm an INFJ and this is the most challenging part in my psychological make-up.

[@ashleypresley]

I just wanted to thank you Frank for bringing up this topic, it's something I've actually been pondering quite a bit lately. It can be very painful to deal with when you actually start confronting yourself in a real way. You get to a point in life where you can't pretend anymore that everything is ok, because it becomes too intense and starts affecting your life. I remember in one of my English classes where we talked about how there is a thin line between love and hate and that the absence of those feelings is indifference, you know you don't care about someone anymore when that's how you feel about them. I like how you brought up the fact that we can't just feel bad about ourselves but do something to change it, no matter how arduous the task. I've found that before I'm about to accomplish something monumental or important I have all these self defeating thoughts, but if I can push through and just work towards it I can accomplish anything and then there's a sense of relief where the pressure lifts. It almost feels like an internal test everytime whether I'm going to be victorious or not. I've noticed I can also be a lawyer in my own mind and argue both sides of the case and literally talk myself out of anything, even if it's a good thing. Sometimes ignorance is bliss as in the novel Brave New World, where the people in their certain caste system like the Epsilions didn't know any better therefore they didn't experience the kind of mental anguish we can. I believe having a sense of accomplishment towards the things that truly fulfill you can help and to understand we're all a work in progress. I've been told many a time not to be so hard on myself, but that's easier said than done. If only we could take a step back from ourselves and be more objective and omniscient, but we are limited in our thinking and have to make due somehow. I think one of the most difficult things is letting go of the past and all the things you could have done differently or accomplished. You get to a point in life where you're forced to let go for your own self preservation. I've also heard it's impossible to love anyone else if you don't love yourself first and I do think there is some truth to that, it would be taxing to accept that someone else genuinely loves you if you don't believe it yourself. I think when we get to a point where we can accept ourselves with cracks and all then we are free in a sense to care about another person, because we have freed ourselves from our own inner turmoil. It might also be the case though that someone may come along and be able to show one the authentic love that they have been missing all their lives and through that they are able to finally see themselves clearly and realize how deserving of love they have been all along. You're right sometimes we need someone with an outside perspective who can change our whole outlook on ourselves and life. Not to give them all the credit, but it's like they're activating something inside of you that was there all along. I remember you talking about It's a Wonderful Life and how George Bailey had everything all along that he needed, he just needed the outside perspective of an angel to show him that his life was worth living. Perhaps that's all we need in life is for someone to recognize us at our very core and say I know all the things you struggle with, but I love you anyways, in fact those are the things that make me love you more and I'm willing to go through life helping you get through them. I hope I didn't ramble on too much, but I think it helps to get your own thoughts out of your head sometimes. Maybe like the other guy said, I'll take some more time to process this and return to it at a more convenient time.😉

[@sassafrascal7102]

One of These Days is so beautiful. It made me cry. Thank you for sharing the music, man!

[@diatomshells]

It’s one of the reasons it’s not good for man to be alone. We need connection to see ourselves truly. Another person with a keen eye is what I call a proper mirror. Hard to find. How would you even know you exist if you were alone forever or no one spoke to you? Initiation. The one thing I appreciate the most is someone’s brutal honesty. A proper challenge sharpens my own perception of reality. I have learned too much isolation is bad for me as an infj. It’s like an automatic defense for me. Isolation is necessary SOMETIMES but I find I can get stuck there for too long. It’s our responsibility to be heard but not doing it from a place of authority but a gentler more understanding way. Getting right with our own words by perceiving those in front of our faces.

[@sage5611]

I know I’m two years late but I really appreciate your perspective on self hatred. Self hatred is something I struggled with since I was 9 and I never had someone explained it this way. Thank you.

[@Nina21_]

This was a really deep video ! I'm so thankful you talked about such a dark thing in a calm wise way..it was seriously like a therapy session with someone who totally understands what i go through sometimes..the advice was so comforting & inspiring thank you so much Frank

[@getreadywithmemamma]

Thank you for this, just thank you. I have a pretty great amount of self loathing handed down to me from parents and I do think it’s worse for some. I’m an ENTJ so I just use it as fuel to grow my TE but yeah, I think if you’re self aware you can’t help but to hate yourself and it is a vortex of gravity and pain. It’s very strong. Very strong and real. It justifies not working on those demons too. I love how you pick this shit a part. You are such a gifted empath and theorist. Just a rare once in a lifetime experience. Just so cool. Thank you

[@breannaswagerty7075]

"Pretending to do something about the bad things in me." Dang. This is FRESH. 🙌👏🙏

[@BurgundyandBlue1111]

What helps me thwart self hatred is to understand that we are all imperfect, we all misstep and part of our beauty is in our imperfections. Self care can be akin to how most parents love their children. The children may make bad choices but the parents usually don't hate them for it. They redirect the children and love them through their development process.

[@BurgundyandBlue1111]

@@Reveris Thanks!

[@deniserocco2963]

This is how our heavenly Father loves us also.

[@eduardocavalcanti3362]

What an attractive person

[@naomiworgu2232]

The line between love and hate is so thin that it can most times become blurry

[@ruthjeffery2539]

Finally. I go through spells where my internal dialogue is vicious - it doesn't seem so much self hatred as simply extremely hypercritical of myself, but I won't quibble. Usually about things I do (smoke, drink), or don't do (stand up for myself, get more ambitious), or think about others. I think a lot of it is comparing myself to some unattainable ideal and hating that I fall short. In the end you're right, FJ, we need to be as gentle and understanding with ourselves as we would be to a friend, or even a stranger. Step outside and listen to the dialogue as if listening to a friend and then approach it as we would for them, trying to help, not attack. Good one, buddy, I'm glad you finally addressed it.

[@art.junk13]

This video is everything! Self Hatred as a defense mechanism and self hatred as a way to avoid working on yourself was the biggest mind blower. It sounds so obvious when you said it but I never would've put two and two together haha. Thank you FJ, I hope you're doing better than you were a year ago when you made this video. Be the kind of person who listens to your own insight rather than dishing it out to others [I'm sure you already do] because you're very wise. ❤️

[@ilaila3504]

Thank you for chatting openly about your ideas on self hatred. You've helped me hear my own voice a little louder, clearer. I have been loathing myself for about ten years or more, and it's got worse. But, at the same time, I've given up trying to beat it. I do things on my life that i care about and i study as a Mature student. I socialise and i have good friends. But the depressed and loathing part of me stays very very silent until I'm on my own. Which is most of the time. It pretends it isn't there, and i just keep on going, knowing that I've given up inside and i don't expect to feel ok in myself anymore. Numb and switched off to some degree but full of pain at the same time. So i just wanted to summarise that because, what i now realise from listening to you- is that i am self loathing because i can't take any more rejection and feeling unworthy of people noticing or caring about me. And the truth is, it's not people, it's men. That's what has been going on here for over a decade and i can't seem to move on. But I'm trying again anyway. Thank you for sharing.

[@xlan13x]

Thank you FJ. Waiting for you and your videos is definitely worth it.

[@nataliet3539]

You are so right that there is something twistedly self-indulgent about self-hatred, which is just another name for shame. It is excruciating, and yet we wouldn't stay in it as long as we do if there weren't some "benefit" to it. It gives us the excuse to not shore up our tree house (nice allegory BTW) because we "deserve" it, or as you said, it is too difficult to even think about tracking down the issues and actually fixing them. I also relate to what you said about anger vs hatred: Anger (and guilt) can be harnessed for action, but hatred (and shame) are always destructive. For the problem for me is, I can't always tell where one ends and the other begins. This is essentially just a summary of what you said, and I thank you for it and for being vulnerable enough to be real with a bunch of strangers across the globe. I do hope that you have people around you in "real life" (just had to squeeze another quote in) that you can be this open with.

[@carlyj4383]

Frank, I'm so glad you found that album. It's truly a treasure when you find something you've never heard from your favorite artist or writer. When my boyfriend moved in with me from Philly 12 years ago, he brought in 750 vinyl albums. They are so heavy that I'm afraid for the closet floor. I haven't rifled through them in 12 years. There's everything in there from Led Zeplin to Sheila E. Motown to Procul Harum. Thank you for reminding me about the true treasures in life. See you soon. Cj

[@barbyoungberg]

A few years ago I had a dream that I was walking down a street with a graduating retaining wall beside it, as I was walking I saw a huge buffalo. He turned and looked right at me and started to charge but it was like nobody else saw him. I turned around and ran to a spot on the wall that I could climb and run up the hill away from the buffalo but when I turned around there he was charging up the hill. I couldn't run any more and decided to turn and face the buffalo. I closed my eyes and waited for the impact but all I felt was a rush of air and when I opened my eyes the buffalo snorted and whispered 'What are you running from?' Next thing I know I'm sitting beside the buffalo talking to it This dream was so vivid and real that I have not forgotten it and every once in awhile I am reminded of it cause I still try to run instead of dealing with issues.

[@madisonaubrey6076]

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

[@xiquai]

For me, i always had dreams of floating away. Everyone was grounded, and whilst everyone was moving forward (simply walking with their feet on the ground), i was simply trying to hold on to nearby objects so as to not flow away, it was as if there was a rope in the sky pulling my legs up. Once i started taking more responsibility for my life, those dreams stopped.

[@veracuskar3017]

In my country- Serbia, we don't like when someone tells us we lost our board ( wooden board), as it means we are not doing something right, or are in wrong... Those boards are in a head.🙂 I've been many times with shaken boards. It's a great feeling to be calm with oneself, truly be connected with oneself.😺 Wish you all the best ❤️

[@Ikigai747]

Each of your videos brings to me a part of myself that sometimes I don't have the strength to hold, my hands are trembling to hold this piece yet even if this thing breaks me to pieces I can't tell you how peaceful it is to watch these, I dunno why u stopped making this type of content but thats totally your decision and I respect it...can't thank u enough for not deleting this...for a messed up teenager like me I can't tell u how helpful this is...after all I wasn't just born into this world to just exist...I hope your words make a diff on me and others love u @FrankJames #FrankJames

[@anniesarah503]

That Dave Powers interview that you did was great. I always wondered how it was possible that I’m both INFJ but also relatively selfish. The explanation of “Self-first focused” vs. “tribe-first focused” really cleared it all up for me.

[@amylee3590]

Your mind makes you even more attractive goodness gracious.

[@recoveringsoul755]

Great hair in this vlog too

[@Ebbakinebba]

i agree with this

[@bluexrosexwolf]

I know, right? I could listen to him all day 💜

[@annettespizuoco2869]

brunette Kurt Cobain.lol

[@annettespizuoco2869]

I liked him better not grown up,still living in his parent's house.I just wanna go back and be 17 with him forever,in that cool room with candles!! Lol

[@Sam-bs8by]

Something that I find kinda haunting is that the version of myself that exist only exist to me. It kinda freaks me out because I’ll never see myself the way another person sees me... or just like how I’ve only ever seen a reflection of myself.... On a totally unrelated topic I was standing outside my job listening to this video and we have these curly tailed lizards around here that usually run and hide from people. One of those guys comes running by me and then Just stops horizontally about 2ft away from me... and I just keep watching this video and then then I look up at him a little later and then he’s turned himself to face me and his head is tilted... I think he was listening to your video with me lol

[@marisol3827]

Sami Ra, it is haunting that the only version of ourselves, that we know, exists only for us. I never thought of it the way that you describe it. It does bother me that I don't know the version of myself that exists for other people. If I could get inside their perceptions, maybe I could see their point of view and modify my behavior accordingly. Or maybe I would discover that they are not judging me harshly-as I often assume they are. The challenge is becoming a better person, while only really knowing one version of myself, I suppose. Other people's opinions of us can only help so much, since they are on different paths with their own perspectives. Your lizard friend is an old soul!

[@aquilathered8444]

Wish you would have posted that... We all have the same stories and ways of thinking and I love how this channel is the only group I go to lol God convicts you to want to change, not condemn you for what you have done. Give the past up to Him by surrendering, and don't level with the devil by obsessing over... Petty... Yeah distorted projections. We came to that and paused at the same time 😝 yes I comment actively while you're taking me there!

[@aquilathered8444]

On your link... I played that big bari sax on the far left! Miss that thing... $5000... But I'm drumming in my Christian band!

[@LeahJacksonMedium]

Lack of judgement is so important. Replacing judgement with compassion is ideal because we are all going through these issues on some level 💚

[@Itsinthewater747]

Self hatred is a state of accepting emotional repression as a coping mechanism. Spot on FJ ~ :) i've been thinking about this very concept for the past few hours, and then I saw your notification and watched this video. That right there is some cosmic goodness ~ Right on ♡

[@trevorandersonelwin]

Nail on the head. Your comment about self hating being somewhat pleasurable is so accurate! It's a very strange feeling. I think you're right about how we use self hatred as a defence/coping mechanism; It's similar to how worrying about things can feel good because it feels like we are working on the issue when in reality we aren't getting anything done. I think perfectionism plays into all of this as well.

[@irinacan3492]

It so true! I've been thinking about it for a while myself. When you hate yourself you waste the energy you can use to change the thing you don't like. Hating yourself becomes a kind of habit and simulation of an action. You can get used to it so quickly and, yeah, you can even enjoy it in a weird way. At this moment you take off any responsibility for your own personal life and behavior. You think that you can't change anything because this who you are and what you usually do. You just have to hate this and blame yourself, other people and certain circumstances. This is an opportunity to escape from the objective reality so you don't have to face your problems and weaknesses or deal with them. You're right! It leads nowhere. When this happens you have to pull yourself together and try to give only constructive criticism so you can see the problem and use your energy and inner power to work on it. It takes a lot of time and effort but it's worth it. Thank you very much for your honesty! Your videos help people who are struggling with the same things. You're a treasure! I'm so glad that I found your channel😀

[@coppersense999]

This was really powerful. I hope it reaches the people that need it. Good job.

[@tenejathweatt6175]

Frank, I just want to say this was really helpful. I have so much I could add or relate with my own issues with self hatred, but instead I'll just say I'm glad you spoke about this. Happy to see you as always, friend.

[@ericdeubanks]

Thank you for this one, Frank. Strong and wise words and observations. {I live with chronic depression and periodic major depressive episodes, social anxiety and panic disorders, and several other things -- wrapped up in an INFJ package. If I have a 'personal monogrammed devil' which fuels them all, it has always been self-hatred. Thanks to several years with a good therapist and thanks to some good, trusted friends in my life, I've managed to grow enough so that I don't let it run my life any more -- but it surely DID run my life till I was in my early 40s. And I wouldn't wish it on a living soul. What you say here is very helpful, I think, to anybody who wrestles with this.}

[@elizabethwisdom5002]

I really like this vlog because of its deeper exploration of self. It’s been a long time since I’ve had self hatred. Anger, yes but hate, no. I realize how close hate and love are though. And I thought the part you bring up when you said, “What is loving yourself anyways?” Another term that gets thrown around, “Just love yourself.” So easy to say and so hard to figure out what actions and thoughts that really is. I even tried to ask a counselor this and she didn’t get what I was really asking. Yet I feel you nailed it here. And I think for me maybe ‘self hate’ means guilt. I feel a lot of that sometimes because think there are ways all of us self sabotage our lives. When I do that I’m like, “What the hell you do that for, Elizabeth?” Lol 💜

[@aysels9841]

What u say at 5:05 is like so trueee. The negative and self pity comments I say to myself have been the same over the past 5 years and these comments don't seem to change even though I've moved ahead in life. It may not be that I've moved ahead as much as others but there are days when I can appreciate what I've done but most days that's not the case. I feel like I'm not worth anybody's time but also at the same time I feel that if someone found me worthy enough they could make me see myself better. So that means that deep down I know I have some self worth but I'm not allowing myself to take a stronger hold of that and make myself actually vulnerable and instead I'm making myself feel that I'm being vulnerable by crying myself to sleep. Idk how long it'll take me for to truly put into action what I'm saying out here. But even if I can make a small improvement over a long period of time at least I'll have done that much. And I might not feel like that's enough most days but at least some days I'll know that I did do that much. I'm slowly making myself get used to seeing myself from an outsiders point of view when I go thru these depression swings and I'm slowly getting myself used to accept the way I work. I know I can work hard and it may take me time, but I'm looking forward to it.

[@규얀니]

The moment you said "let's stop for a quick commercial break", the youtube ad immediately was playing..wow

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

When you love yourself, it means you care enough to take care of yourself, to look out for yourself, to befriend your shadow side ("good" and "bad"), to improve yourself.

[@bellavita2484]

Essentially what you said is about self pity and self pity stops us from taking action. Then again improving oneself is actually very difficult because our flesh always pulls us back. Improving oneself is mostly behaviour modification, but real change happens inside, it's a change of heart. If Jesus hadn't changed my heart, I would still be hating and pitying myself. I don't see my value in my own actions and accomplishments but my worth comes from Christ. Who I am means nothing - it's all about who He is and what He has done for me. I could have never changed this wicked, sinful heart. His grace, love and mercy have changed me. I can look at myself without hate, shame and guilt now. Blessing to you, Frank. Jesus loves you.

[@davidchanyounglee444]

Thanks for sitting through that. -Frank James, 2018-

[@Silvery115]

Yeah I completely agree with this concept. We try not to look where it's too painful or too much effort to look at, but the hard truth is that if we don't look, we'll never improve ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I also know some people who are content with their own self hatred in a weird twisted way, just like you said. I have started to think that they're not really worth spending time on, because they're never going to take that step and actually *really* look at themselves.

[@ZacharyAllen-Thierry]

This is definitely something I needed. Thanks man.

[@rachelanned.samson7400]

This hits me hard. Really hard. Thank you for making me realize ... things. Thank you

[@lilred2331]

LoL 😁 you just make my day so much better with your wisdom and I appreciate it so very much!! Helps me to be less critical of myself!!❤❤❤👣

[@anonymousJil]

The title touches a nerve. 😖 I think getting passed it doesn’t mean changing your mind it means changing what you repeat to yourself. I try to not fall down that rabbit hole anymore. We do try and ease the pain of things by having imaginary arguments or calling someone out before they can say what we think they are going to say. It’s funny that you mention a tree house because I aimed my hate at my actual house. I was thinking of it as part of myself. I love that you can put into words, and organized thought, the things I tend to wallow in. INFJs are just peas in the same pod. Thanks for the vid. A good way to start a long Friday!

[@douillette003]

Thank you soo much for this video, Frank!!

[@HenrikaArcana]

I think self-love has the purpose of you taking responsibility to give yourself good things, things that lead to balance, health and happiness: taking the role of taking care of yourself and putting yourself first, facing your inferior functions with compassion, giving yourself the space, time and encouragement to heal step by step. Self-hatred is about taking those away: judging yourself for and according to your failures, harming your mental and physical health as means of punishment and launching at situations that further amplify the notion that you are not good enough and should be destroyed for that part by part.

[@thatASMRchick]

If I hate myself, then I can understand why others hate me, too.

[@thatASMRchick]

I also think this goes back to the other video where you said we become what we see in life. I've been around a lot of angry people who I didn't necessarily like in life, lived with them, and when I see it in myself, it reminds me of that feeling of not liking being around that person. So, I see these things I hate in other people in myself. After a certain point, it feels really like it's impossible to change, though. Like, I feel like I'm stuck in this personality because it's become like riding a bike. I can't really relearn to ride a bike in a different way because I've already learned how to ride it however I do... that also makes no sense haha, but that's how I view it. I learned the wrong way perhaps but can't really forget that method.

[@sammyj1183]

Interesting topic 🤔. I’m trying to think of how I want to word this post without using it as an open confessional for the masses. In a way I guess I do the same thing with criticizing myself before others can do it. And, yeah, it’s definitely a defense mechanism. It’s also because I know myself well enough to know that I’ll never be perfect - just like everyone else is not perfect. Isn’t is annoying that people can’t just talk to each other and openly admit all of the bad things about themselves? I went through a period where I did some really shameful things and held myself in contempt for sooo long. After finally doing some introspection and putting together all of the pieces, I realized how and why these things happened and slowly started to forgive myself for those sins. It does make me wonder if that type of self hatred wouldn’t have existed had I not ever been exposed to religion, what is deemed acceptable in society, etc. Our environments are definitely a factor in how we perceive the world. When you take all of these things away you’re left with the “self.” You start questioning who you’d be if you were never influenced by all of these different factors. I feel like I’m not making sense. Lol. It makes sense in my head. I just can’t find the right words right now. This whole *loving yourself* movement has been taken to the extreme IMO. I need to get off social media (especially Instagram) because all I see are these people who post 8000 selfies of themselves and pictures where they’re half naked and captioning it with “loving themselves.” I don’t think this is healthy nor do I think this is what was supposed to be taken from this movement. How about *accepting yourself* flaws and all? Accepting that we all have good within us just as much as bad. We can all work to get better but some thoughts/things will never go away and THAT’S OKAY. Stop playing the victim role and learn from the people who have slighted you. Maybe we should start that movement 🧐. The only downside is then that could also be taken to an extreme. Maybe human beings are just too intense for their own good. That’s why they can’t be trusted 😂. Anyway ... I know my grammar is all jacked up (lol criticizing myself before anyone else) and that what I’ve said might not make sense but I do think it’s important to reflect on these feelings of shame/self hatred and confront them. When you don’t address certain things they end up continuing to haunt you throughout your life. You’ll keep making the same mistakes over and over. Everyone learns at their own pace, though. If you never make a mistake, how can you have anything to learn from? I don’t judge people too harshly because I’ve either done it myself or know someone who has. We’re all flawed. Now let’s all go to the bar! 🍻

[@sammyj1183]

Willow D Yes -- it is unfortunate that we can't tell others our flaws for those reasons. I'm very fortunate to have a friend I can tell these things to and vice versa. I agree that it's much easier to trust someone when they spit out their flaws! It shows that they are *man* enough or *woman* enough to own up to their own mistakes. Those are the ones you can trust! It's really hard to get to that point with people, though. Haha. My girlfriend and I didn't start sharing those deep dark secrets until we had been friends for about 3 years. It certainly is hard to undo the things we've learned. You'd basically need to have the circuitry/networks in your brain all rewired. Wait, why hasn't someone invented that yet? A machine that makes you forget all of your past mistakes/resentments? Maybe that wouldn't be a good thing to have because you'd likely continue to keep making those same mistakes and never learn from them. I really believe that one day I will develop dementia and won't be able to remember much so I guess I'm okay with remembering these things (for now)! I get what you mean about trying to figure out certain things from childhood and not being able to understand what specific instances took place that made you think/believe it was okay to say/do certain things in your adult life. But, at least you've tried! I've had to teach my husband to do this. Haha. He had a really abusive father growing up and really wasn't watched/paid attention to as a kid. His stepmom was always out of town working and he and his brothers were basically left alone all of the time -- getting into trouble. I've learned that I have a soft spot for crazy people. Lol. I'm always trying to save everyone and along the way have learned that it's not my responsibility to do so. It's hard not to, though! :-/

[@wzippler]

When you said, "You can't hate me, I beat you to it!" You made me laugh in a sad sort of way.

[@MargaretDeRossetGordon]

LOL loved this video even though I’m dealing with some self hatred and shame spirals today. Good times. You have inspired me to revisit ALL BEATLES MUSIC ENTIRE DISCOGRAPHY LISTENING TO WHOLE ALBUMS for healing. First Beatles, then solo beatles. Whole albums in order only. Yes! That will be a journey into self love and letting go of self hatred.

[@solarisan_]

I tend to take the blame. I always seek to help somehow and be productive. For example, now. My mom has serious health problems and I try to help as much as I can - from research to preparing meals and helping her eat, to encouraging her (and sometimes even being strict towards her as to make sure that she follows some "rules" hoping those will benefit her health). Once I stop and try to distract myself, guilt overwhelms me and I start being self-critical, depressive, and even self-loathing. It is like a vicious cycle.

[@spidersmiamor]

What compelled me to open that damn door was the realization that everything in there was ruining and wasting my life. It's changing how I see and interact with reality and that is far more upsetting.

[@Dreygo81]

Past james is really helping me

[@PinkCoils]

In my case it was because I wanted to change but didn't know how and wasn't sure I could. First off I didn't even understand my situation well enough to fix it. I'd say tomorrow I'll wake up and be a different person, I'll just act differently. But that doesn't work. You cant be someone else. The only way to fix it is to be your best self. I had to learn what was good about myself; I had to embrace and uplift that part of myself. I had to change my thoughts from going in a negative direction into a positive one. Honestly I was depressed for a long time before I arrived at that answer. That's the most unfortunate part: that I hated myself for such a long time.

[@ashchamoli03]

Yup,no one understands this in the era of the so called 'self love', that it requires two to have love between. The object subject thing was so on point! 🥺💜

[@deniserocco2963]

By the way... Self hated is another form of pride. Glad you have recognized it's deception.

[@yvettedumbass223]

You have a really soothing voice. It gives me a really odd nostalgic feeling.

[@radioshowmachine3447]

I had to come back to this and thank you for this video.