When people won't move beyond who you used to be

[@bellefiori574]

You intelligent biscuit.

[@FrankJames]

that could be my new channel name

[@saxongreen78]

Frisky Biscuits for Frisky Ponies.

[@kanelowrey5172]

@@FrankJames Do it.

[@lucyk2634]

@@FrankJames no don't do it

[@anabelle99]

@@FrankJames 1

[@endangrd895]

"What you think of me is none of my business." Gary Oldman

[@nemoforvermore8085]

Thank you for sharing this :)

[@LittleMissHoop]

I love that quote. So wise.

[@AthenaIsabella]

Ah. Needed to read this. Thank you.

[@louisemc3680]

Thank you so much for that! Next time someone starts telling me what they think of me I'll say, 'Wait- I have a Gary Oldman quote for you' and look it up on my phone (hopefully find it) but even if I don't, I'll have shut them up by then anyway ;)

[@rmp7400]

To be fair: That Goldman does not have to care - he is an irreplaceable gifted actor, (and not clinically insane) so his income is assured🎭 Additionally, his marriage is a very happy one❤

[@i_survived_benzos7692]

man, you know your stuff. i study psychology and youre confirming everything ive learned.

[@shellyhard6044]

How is it people who know me don't understand, but strangers get it in a second?

[@easytoslip]

probably because they go half unconscious expecting you to be a certain way. they haven't changed so just assume you haven't either. I prefer interaction with strangers, personally. It's fun and effortless.

[@Ralazven250]

Because people who "know" you already had the time to form their idea of who you are. Strangers don't need time, maybe they assumed who you were by looks before you talked, but then once you quickly began to talk, they weren't yet settled in their thoughts about who you are, so they can quickly reevaluate, because they don't know a previous 'you'.

[@shellyhard6044]

That's true! I have to stop getting irritated.

[@basilbaby7678]

Just make sure that you're not being Gaslit.

[@morganbrooks1814]

There's no history. No bias. They can only see the person you are now, and have no other version of you compare it to. (BTW, Frank... fellow INFJ here, and majored in psychology -- I enjoy your channel and really think you should go get your degree in psychology, too!

[@ashleycnossen3157]

The worst thing is when someone thinks something blatantly wrong about you and spreads that around

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

yessssssss. this so much. i moved away from home halfway across the country and havent seen my parents in 2 years. within that time i am finding who i really am because im alone with myself a lot and dont have any friends here. its eye opening to see how i thought i knew who i was until i moved out here and realized that who i used to be was someone who i was because of who i was around back home. idk if that makes sense. but yes. great video ❤❤ i love your hair btw, looks good!

[@FrankJames]

that makes perfect sense. The gravity of the childhood home is so great that it is very difficult if not impossible to know who you are until you are completely outside of it. And I'm glad you're liking the hair xD

[@medhud609]

And I was 1,5 years, then found myself more clear. Just frequently, hoping for a better relationship with a trust matter. But now I can take a more clear steps.

[@lalakuma9]

Oh yeah, my parents have been in denial since I hit puberty. Sometimes it's hard for me to go back home and have my parents telling me to "just be myself," which actually means "go back to what we think you were like when you were 10 years old and fulfill our expectations." I think my problem isn't so much about whether they see me, but whether they like me. But maybe I shouldn't care so much. And especially being an INFP, I find it extremely insulting when other people tell me that I'm not being authentic to myself, when they're the ones who refuse to see.

[@HomeDIYSStuff]

Their loss.

[@xom7757]

it's strange, for a long time even i didn't see the "real me" because it was so deeply suppressed beneath layers of fakery which i still don't remember why i created for myself as a little kid

[@lena007_]

same 😳

[@leilania8707]

Its hard enough being accepted who i am now...before i started watching your videos i thought there was something wrong with me, but i realized it is my personality and how i relate to the world around me. Thanks to you I'm starting to improve myself and understand what is going on. You truly have a gift and i want to thank you for your videos.❤

[@FrankJames]

well thank you for the comment, Lei

[@borisvandruff7532]

The most important part of being hard on yourself, especially when you’ve wronged people in the past, is making some attempt to make it right with some humility. Maybe even if you don’t like that person, it’s still important to acknowledge when you’ve been wrong and when you’ve treated them badly. If you REALLY want others to see that you’ve changed for the better, it shows in how you treat people you don’t like even more than it shows in the ones you do.

[@nomg563]

Beautifully articulated. Being able to do this shows maturity...And maturity is an indicator of growth, and ultimately change. I learned this very recently, but still grateful I got the message (late or not).

[@DaniellaTousson]

Thank you Frank. As someone who pulled a 180 with her personality in early 2022, I am still struggling with this exact thing, I needed to hear this. Your right, by trying to change there perception of me, I'm still relying on there perception to tell me who I am.

[@ColinBurmingham]

Beautifully said Frank. Today's Bible verse for you... Man looks at the outward appearance, the Lord looks at the heart. On a slight tangent this is why I struggle a little with MBTI typing because we are not objective enough to type ourselves and no one else can know our inner selves well enough. Just saying.

[@dharmadharma3960]

Colin Burmingham 💞💞💞💞

[@simplyme7821]

💜 well said.

[@deborahg1246]

I’m a mom and my daughter is 21. Kind of speaking from both sides because I have a rough relationship with my parents and now my daughter is 21. It is hard for parents to accept their kids are not kids anymore, it’s hard to not tell them what to do or how they should be, fortunately for me and my daughter we are pushing past that and I’m getting to enjoy seeing who she is becoming as an individual. Some of the awesomeness that she is, is no thanks to me, she decided it for herself without my help :)

[@FrankJames]

that is great to hear that you two are letting the relationship develop and grow in a healthy way!

[@HomeDIYSStuff]

If you never did that shit in the first place it wouldn't be so hard. Stop. Let her be confident, respect her and trust she will do the right thing. You will be uncomfortable at first, but it's not your life. Stop the advice bs. If she wants it, she'll ask for it. That's the problem with nip n tuck parents. Your child can't grow balanced and have their own voice. That shit starts young and creates a victim child. Accept her n stop judging. Good luck.

[@NikkiDocherty74]

I am the same person I have always been. I've matured like everyone else but there's nothing different about me. The only thing new is that I've refused to keep silent about the covert fraud and covert lies I've experienced toward myself my identity since I was a child. The person doing it swears up and down that I am not the same person. I am the same person I've always been. I just don't keep quiet in the face of their abusive lies and covert smears. It's the work of a narcissist on a smear campaign.

[@johnfogarty1874]

Frank you just solved my internal conflict. Been trying to mentally figure this one out for months now and the way you put this together especially the aligning your inner and outer worlds + people not liking your change and it taking time to come to terms with your newer self. xx much love

[@thundercho]

Hi Frank - I have been watching a lot of your videos and agree with most of what you have been saying. Being someone who is over 50 and an introvert as well, I have found these to be mostly true. As people grow up, they have to reconcile who they think they are with who they truly are. What someone says or thinks about you doesn't really change who you are. Who you are changes, when you decide to think, feel, and act differently about yourself than when you did before. A person's impression of you will only change when they make change(s) based on new information that they see as fact, they have different feelings about you, or their reality that involves you changes. Another person cannot really "know" who you are, but it's their "best guess" based on their attitudes, expectations, and feelings about you. You can only fix yourself, and no one can do it for you. Conversely, you can't fix anyone else, but you can help them if they really are amenable to it. Finally, whether a person likes you or not, isn't your problem. It's their issue, and is usually an outward reflection of their internal state. Thank you and keep up the good work.

[@kikimarie123]

Thank you, Frank. Alignment may just become the new “theme” for the year...your thoughts and assertions are yet again, helpful as ever. You are a gem.

[@FrankJames]

thanks, Kirsten :)

[@louisemc3680]

'Align your inner and outer world'. The key to authenticity- thank you

[@PaulKyriazi]

A perfect title for this video which will save many people a lot of time and frustration as they move up in life. I sure could have used this video at age 26 when I had to go it alone with my artistic endeavors. Wonderful heart-felt examination on the subject of change.

[@calebd.swanson5767]

"Ok, that's what they see; I can't control it." I appreciate that. Thanks.

[@jalisacottman552]

No matter what if people see me as a shy person they always will. I haven't changed I have gotten attached to new hobbies but I haven't Changed. I still hold a reputation of a good kid but I know I'm not perfect I rarely show my angry side cuz I'm seen as quiet. Nobody really knows the real me I like it that way sometimes.

[@simplyme7821]

Oh Frank, why don't you just go back to school and get your degree in psychology and put out your shingle. Maybe it's in your genes but you're just really good at this. I feel like you've grown up 5 years since 2 years ago. You're nowhere near the little boy that you were. It's quite amazing and fun to watch you mature into a man. I'm glad you made another video. Carly

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Carly J / It’s a whole new world, Frank has experience & insight. He doesn’t need to go to college to get a degree to practice psychology.. those guys have to follow formulas.. in life, any mature person can be a successful life coach. It doesn’t require a college degree.

[@FrankJames]

I've thought about it before! Thanks for your kind comment, Carly

[@jennpod2378]

INFJs are great psychologists 👍

[@simplyme7821]

@@BarbaraMerryGeng I agree with you completely. Look how much he's helped people already. A regular psychologist would never sit for an hour showing people pictures of calendar Birds but that had a profound relaxing and bonding feeling to it. It helped to shape the way I felt that day. My boyfriend has cancer and I'm devastated and so is he and getting to sit and just watch Frank being frank took my mind off of what we're going through. Can you believe this dude he's going to have 35000 viewers by my birthday at the end of May? And how did he do it? By being Frank James. An infj can feel someone who is lying extremely quickly. He is as authentic as he can be at any given moment. I think that's why I can sit back and watch him grow and change over the months and I feel like his community is very loving and kind and personally I think that God is leading him to help some of his children who are having a very tough time.💜🐦 Filled with gratitude, Carly

[@heatherpence2145]

I love psychology. I can't not study it. I have been in school for it quite a bit and my personal perspective is you can learn a lot of it on your own. Also, I think there's things higher than psychology as far as truth goes and as far as helping people goes. Saves time and money to not do it formally in college

[@heatherpence2145]

Whoah "no one is gonna be yourself looking at yourself." That's truly a life changing thought

[@AK-0111]

This felt like one of your best among the advice videos. ..loved ❤️

[@FrankJames]

thanks!

[@heatherpence2145]

Ya this was next level like whoah, are you reading this? Or did you realize all this on your own?

[@gojizur2272]

"if you percieve me wrongly that's not my problem its your problem", you had no idea how I needed to hear that exactly now. Thank you Frank for creating that kind of videos! 😊 You really understand stuff and explaining it so good. As an INFJ I had hard time stop carrying and blaming myself for stuff over which I had no influence.. its so hard were parents are still blaming you for who you are in adulthood, when the only picture of you which they know is from the childhood.. I guess that's the answer which I had to hear. Its their role now to try face it, I did my part changing to better. All is in their hands now. Thank you ❤️

[@medhud609]

It's all I need to hear. It strengthen my gut/intuition, it told me to ask myself again, it told me to just doing mine. You made my day, Frank, thanks....

[@charne9267]

Just be, love. Just love yourself. Just accept yourself. You are beautiful. You are perfect just the way you are. You don't have to change for anyone only change if that is what makes YOU happy. Sending you an abundance of warmth and love. 💚💚💚

[@itsbecca]

What a special warmth and feeling of genuine caring that came out in this video. It really softened some of the cynicism I've been shielding my heart with, you know, the walls that whisper "People are selfish and terrible, they're only going to hurt you." I don't know, it's just very touching. Whew, it suddenly got dusty in here. So weird.

[@thedemonglitch]

I came to this video without any expectation of relatability and was surprised with how much this resonated with me. I've been aware of my cognitive dissonance regarding something I tell myself I value a lot, but then act against. And even with this awareness I have not come to terms with the fact I am not the person I tell myself I am. And I have been so unhappy that I haven't controlled the urge that makes me act against who I want to believe I am. But I'm going to challenge myself. Whenever I get that urge that goes against who I want to be I will instead watch one of your videos. Because this video made me want to be more than just aware of my identity crisis - it made me want to change it. Thank you.

[@moregravity033]

It took me 30 of my 32 years to realize that nothing is set in stone....nothing. Our views perceptions and beliefs are ever changing as the years pass of our lives. If it isn't changing for you, you aren't actually growing as a person. Or at least that's what I have been told after I had long found it. It hurts when others can't accept different and/or improved versions of ourselves but it is all part of the process I think lol. Great video Frank and much needed 💜👽

[@mallorielouann546]

"Patterns of behavior" this is everything for me. My whole life I've been "the quiet one" though I've been trying to change. However, when I try to speak, I get more attention than anyone else just because of the role that I use to play. Because of this, it stops me from even trying to enforce this new identity. I love being who I am as a more reserved person, though when I say I was quiet...I mean I was really quiet. To the point where some people thought I didn't talk. So, when I tried to change for the better, it made it even more difficult for me than most.

[@ketchup5344]

I mean look at George Harrison:" The quiet Beatle". Who was the first to get a multi million selling tripple album after the Beatles split? Clue: it wasnt John, Paul or Ringo. He even named his record company Dark horse ✌🏽

[@Julia-LArt]

David Wilder ahh my favourite Beatle

[@TheHeathernaut]

I wish I could show you my notes that I take from your videos. They’re incredibly informative. I expect nothing less from an INFJ.

[@lauramason5667]

Thanks for the great talk and there’s so much truth in what you spoken about. They said family is like a spiderweb and everyone’s stuck in their place on the web when you try to shake it up everybody goes back to the same place. The longer you know somebody you think that the relationship will get stronger but it often becomes a limited definition. We should all be able to breakthrough of this trend.

[@BurgundyandBlue1111]

This is even worse with rumors, one's public persona that precedes them before they even enter a room. It makes it where you can't even get to know people because they only see you as ________ (whatever you are rumored to be). It can be like a form of identity theft and really disempowering. Perhaps when things like that happen the way to get through it is to see it as some sort of spiritual price to pay (although I don't really believe in karma), hold to your truth and have peace either way. Treat people like they are seeing you as you want to be seen (this is where I would think being an INFJ, the master role players, would come in handy). Thanks for this great video. There is so much sage wisdom in it. Nice work FJ.

[@taramacfarland8873]

This.

[@basilbaby7678]

If someone has made you the target of a Smear Campaign, f*** them, and live your best life.

[@Lotusblume.8]

I feel that he just needs to BE the change and not talk about it. People say a lot of things but actions speak louder. In time they will see it and if they don’t then maybe he needs to distance himself from them for a while. And keep being the person he feels he is. Maybe that relationship wasn’t serving him or even toxic. On the flip side, I had a friend who was completely out of tune with himself and his feelings and couldn’t have been more wrong about who he would tell me he was and the person I was witnessing. It was insane. He contradicted himself all the time. He was a decent guy, don’t get me wrong, but I couldn’t take it after a while. It’s all subjective in the end...

[@veracuskar3017]

I like that snow falling. And falling... It's nice to "grow". 🙏🐾🦄

[@lancelotdufrane]

Certainly reaffirmed the “Know Thy Self”, concept. If others have put us in a “slot”... that’s Their story. We Are our own truth. Are we not? Having changed my entire life, 13 yrs ago,. Seeing those people from that time, ....I just show up and be myself. Loving,.. patient, allowing. They will see WHATEVER they see..... I am comfortable, in my own skin. Very. I feel Lucky to have arrived, finally, at this place. Frank, I want to thank you for your loving gift of communication skills, shared. Good stuff.

[@kajalshaik4585]

Thank you, you helped me a lot in dealing with my anxiety, I got to know about my self better. I'm improving on dealing with my self better, I'm now more calm. This is also new for me let me know my self better. My childhood growing up is very tromatising, I'm dealing with my self better. You are a very sensible person, you have helped me on my journey from our earlier conversation to here. Love you ❣️ thank you, let's start to know each other better. This is helping me a lot. Thank you one again.

[@amnahebrahim3325]

I used to have a friend who would constantly make me feel bad for "changing" and not being the person I "used" to be when we first met. I always listened patiently as she described the old me and how much she missed her, and I couldn't see what changed? But I would always reassure her that people grow and that change was inevitable, and that I still am here. Things got a lot tiring and it would drain me out of my energy when she would point it out and it would make feel guilty for being more of the person i am now, I would constantly tell her how it makes me and that people change and grow and develop especially in the age range we are (18 to 21). This later developed into her judging my personality and the way I handle things and she would always criticise me for who I am, and that she wants me to be better, to be more like her. I didnt notice at first, but this caused me to have major anxiety that I have disappointed my close friend, and her flakiness honestly wasnt helping either. It became to the point where she would always talk about who she is and who I am and it felt like a comparison all the time! It really drained me. I had to cut her off eventually because it was to much stress for me. As a people pleaser I didnt notice how much I was trying to change myself to make her happy. It hurts till this day that I cut her off because I obviously loved her so much and still do and I feel so guilty. I relate to this video in so many ways and I am trying to recover from what she ingrained in me of the idea of who I am. Thank you for this video it helped me see things from her perspective. It means a lot

[@justinesantiago3820]

I think it's great that you are being more of yourself rather than a "people-pleaser", because your paths may cross again & she'll learn to respect the you are & not what you've become ^_^

[@constancebaker4616]

"Why do you care what what others think about you?" My Mom told me this once when I was a self conscious adolescent. This was particularly powerful because she was an uninhibited role model for this attitude and, of course, because she was MY mom. I often think of the best leaders of the human race and how they would be hamstrung if they let past behavior hold them back. Lincoln (a distant relative) was quite obviously a racist in his earlier years but he thankfully transformed himself. Once he became acquainted with some remarkable black people, "new data" came in and he was comfortable enough in his own skin to set a new course. We all have to discern the path that is right for us, gather the courage of our convictions, and move forward.

[@anisanancy6459]

This my favourite video made by my favourite KZbinr.this is rly somthing that i used to struggle with.the guilt that i felt for being that person led me to self hate.and took me a long time to realize that sticking to ur past is useless.the past itself does not define who u are.and the people who bring u down just ignore them. If a few think of u negatively then remember there are hundreds living that don't.

[@carlar1365]

Frank, thanks a lot by your words. I appreciate a lot your way to think, your way to see the world helps me to do it in a different ways too. Thanks again.

[@Deeep_Tea]

Every time i hear again it just gets better n better

[@jessicawise4314]

Fellow INFJ and newest fan of your channel! I wanted to say that I think maybe different people bring out different parts of ourselves. Gather those people into one room and I’m sure they’d think we were even more “changed”. 😂 Thanks for voicing this topic. ❤️🤗

[@enaidr]

This was presented very well! As you said, the most important thing when dealing with this is to stay focused on your own behavior instead of trying to change others. This can be so hard to do without a bit of reconditioning of our tendencies but ultimately will push us to be more aligned. Thank you for such an insightful video.

[@The_Life]

This has been helpful in struggling through church hurt. People, including me, are flawed. It's been hard having to leave my local church and my local family (temporarily) for a new one because I couldn't make my closest friends see what was in my heart. And then to be vulnerable with new people. I also appreciate that FJ brings up that we need to legitimately ask if we've changed. It is so easy to go back into old patterns/sins/issues and we need to really look and see if our hearts are at the place we think they are. All of this is soooo relateable.

[@heatherholt4136]

Thank you Frank! I have changed some not so great but those aren't things I can control but I an working on improving however I have also realized that no matter how much others won't accept me that is their problem and I won't be upset and it down diminish who I am and my other good qualities!

[@leilanoorani2976]

Thanks for this video. Good information, expressed in a relaxed, thoughtful and insightful way. I particularly like the way James does not state that he thinks all of these relationships can be fixed, but that in the scenario he describes, there is a good possibility it can…with time. Not all broken relationships can be healed of course (even if we have personally matured/changed/healed), and James never claims otherwise.

[@virginiyawilce5374]

Thank you so very much for your wisdom. I am in this situation and it’s hard and just to clarify not with my parents. I knew that I just have to let go as I cannot change someone’s mind and opinion but I was still hoping that if they see my heart and good intentions they will but, but your words are reassurance of what I know that this will never happen and unfortunately they will see only what they want to see and as you say they will put you in a situation where you may slip and they will say “see I was right about you. You haven’t changed a bit.” it hurts but I guess we have to accept to live with the fact that not everyone believes in redemption. I think the most that hurst is that I give everybody so many changes but when I slip ones I am doomed for life. However I am a human and no matter how much I try to be perfect and be the sun for everyone I do also have needs too that if crossed, I may act in a away you are not use to, but that doesn’t make me bad person but proves I am human.I wish people understood this but it goes so much deeper too…

[@Gracenglory5]

FJ: “No one is going to see the real you on the inside”... Me: my world is shattered 💔...thankfully there is at least ONE ☝🏻 who sees the real me, even more than I do. 🙏🙌🏻

[@MBAinternetmktg]

Having four children, I think you're right. When I see my 33 yr old son, who is grown and successful, I still see a happy, joking little kid. He's now a serious businessman under a lot of stress. He's changed, more serious, more cautious, more hesitant to adventure.

[@girlblogger3524]

I don’t like being put in that “who you are” bind. The concept of growth and change must be received with openness. I guess if it works in my favor, it’s ok!

[@nomg563]

Amen. Ever evolving!

[@rubyroseevenstar2149]

Yes- Seeing and BEing our Whole Self. Love.

[@Harvieandsam]

I am what I am. I love my family. I love my friends. I find it does no good to overthink things. I tell myself to get on with things and live. This day and age it is easy to become consumed with oneself to the point of obsession. It is an easy thing to do. I have done it. I want live and love freely. When I relaxed my society came to me. Bless everyone and may we all be surrounded by love. Bless you James.

[@denisehall5145]

If there are not other INFJs in your family you are always the outsider.

[@lmcintosh13]

Hi Frank James. As an INFJ who has carried trauma and not really dealt with it for 20+ years I think it would be interesting to go over how INFJs deal with trauma. Pros and cons? Just a thought. I liked this video, thanks.

[@FrankJames]

I'll take that into consideration for a video!

[@laraoneal7284]

I’ve come from trauma also and went no contact from my family of origin for good. I don’t allow toxic ppl in my life at all. I would love FJ to a vid on this also.

[@sonyvalencia]

I think Infj's think the way we do because of really bad childhood trauma. I say if you think like me you must to some extent be as messed up as me. Most infj's from what I have seen grew up with a controlling mother.

[@sonyvalencia]

@@laraoneal7284 Also come from bad parenting I noticed that's usually the case with infj's.

[@laraoneal7284]

sony so Yes I totally agree. Toxic parents cause us to become introverts. This is definitely something that should be addressed. Check out Narcissit Resistance channel. It is jawdropping the knowledge on that channel. Narcissist abuse IS RAMPANT IN OUR SOCIETY.

[@denisehall5145]

We have moved on but they have not. It is so easy for them to put you in a box and ignore you.

[@tiffaneereyes4398]

I think I’ve been fortunate enough to have a few friends in my life who have stuck around to peel back the layers and see me at my core. I also have a handful of family members that accept me for who I am and how I continue to change. I do see how there can be groups of people that only see you in a certain light. For me, it would be people I met in college or right after. I was a different person and just wanted to have fun all the time because I was hurting. They never understood that aspect. I would always gravitate to a certain person in the group and allow them a chance to see more of myself. I’m not really close with those old groups anymore. I grew out of them and moved on...and so did they. I think only some people are meant to stick around. As for family, mine is fairly simple. They are like me. When things get too drama filled, we tend to retract from the rest of the family. I think that’s why we are so close. I can’t imagine a family where you had to constantly prove yourself. That seems exhausting. It would be a very difficult situation for me because I would just want to door slam everyone. My heart goes out to the viewer who asked this question. Maybe just show yourself in your actions and not your words. Sometimes words fall on deaf ears.

[@leiasart4610]

I have a very similar problem; I'm so much more confident and open than I was a few years ago (which is good, of course), and altogether I don't have a lot in common with my old self anymore. So whenever I do something together with my old friends and my new friends, my old friends somehow "judge" me harshly, because they think they know the real me and I pretend something I'm not with my new friends, which just isn't the case. However, that kinda makes me fall back into my insecure ways when I do things with both groups at the same time, which again makes me want to keep both seperate, but I feel like an asshole to say that I don't wanna bring my other friends to certain events ° _ °

[@FrankJames]

yes, that can be a big issue, different friend groups seeing you as different "you"s

[@leiasart4610]

@@FrankJames Yes, exactly! I feel such an imtense dissonance whenever I am in that situation, so much so that I often just go back to being silent and even feel more depressed as long as I'm there.

[@ladysuper2000]

I can relate so much to your comment! I even have one friend who knows me since primary school and still thinks I'm the same person (I'm 25 now). I used to be really shy as a kid but I'm usually not like this anymore, but she often says things like "you're just so shy" which makes me act awkward when she's near... It's really kind of stupid

[@cozy5217]

Thank you, Frank! Always grateful for your advice 😊

[@FrankJames]

thanks for watching :)

[@pohkeee]

“It's not who you are underneath, its what you do that defines you.” ~~ Batman Begins

[@Julia-LArt]

Love the snow and plaid combo. You're always helpful, thanks Frank :)

[@jenna6256]

My brother has a destructive behavior with alcohol. He's a functioning drunk and is abusive in his relationship. When he's made to sober up by the law, he eventually starts to drink again over a few months. My point is, only time will tell if someone has changed. Takes time to earn respect back too.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Jenna / It’s your anger & resentment that holds things in place. Better to distance yourself from any persons who don’t live up to your standards. And therefore, you keep your peace 👌🏼

[@FrankJames]

very true, Jenna

[@myangimeowgi]

Miss Merry Berry I love the way you put that and I agree ❤️

[@itsaishawhite]

Sound advice there, Frank. Gotta say I’m grateful for the commenter proposing a very relatable topic. To add to what you said, I think having confidence in your growth and your capacity for change comes into play in a situation like this.

[@creativecootie9030]

I can definitely relate. I am constantly changing and growing...learning new hobbies and acquiring new skills. It confuses the heck out of people in my life. The judgment and disapproval I received for not "following a standard career and life path" used to run deep, negatively affecting my psyche and my own concept of "who I am and who I should be." It hasn't been until very recently that I've decided to just follow whatever path I feel is most "me" and try my best to block out the criticism of those who don't understand.

[@sarakjeldsen769]

Acceptance that you can't change how others see you is key. 👌

[@pyraxusthelutarian7276]

Man, I hear you FJ, I moved 3,000 miles away from my friends and family on the west coast 20 years ago to the east where I hardly knew a soul, in large part to sort of re-invent myself and get away from those definitions made by them and being "stuck" in those old patterns. I have no regrets, but then as an INTJ-A it was probably easier for me than most to make that change. 🙂

[@angelaricks5379]

Frank, thank you very much. 😀

[@Margaret75]

Yep for sure about 4 years ago my mom and sister started verbally ganging up on me based on things I did when I was in my teens. I, for the first time completely shut them down and said that was over 40 years ago and that hasn’t been who I am for a very long time and we are not going to talk about that anymore. Haven’t had a problem since. Finally I remember having a party when I was in my early thirties and thinking how cool it was going to be to have my friends meet each other. It could not have been further from the truth! They were all so very different and seemed to have nothing in common except me. Huge eye opener!!!

[@thewoundedhealer4950]

Over the years I have changed and transformed countless times.

[@jeffreypmitchell]

Best video I’ve yet to find on KZbin. Thank You Frank.

[@the_infinity_channel]

Watching this video I have felt that I am talking to myself. Thanks Frank!

[@ruthjeffery2539]

Maybe we should look at how we hold others within the bounds of what they once were also. Model the acceptance we want from others.

[@Uvvibes]

Thank you I’ve been a searching for this exact explanation inside myself for years I’d get it pieces and parts but wasn’t really sure if all of it was actually a thing or just inside my head! You put it together so perfectly, this will help a lot of people who see it and understand how and why it manifests in their life! ❤️

[@JoyceHMoore]

God sees the real me and that's all that truly matters. How people see me isn't important to me anymore because they don't know my heart. The trouble with people is they look at the outward appearance and they don't even try to know the real me. I am grateful to be someone whom God made one of the rarest personality types.

[@user-iw6cu9oz8y]

The first couple minutes here remind me soo much of the book One, None, and A Hundred-Thousand, talking about how your perception of yourself is somewhat shaped by others.

[@jenniferelliott8415]

I've been binge watching your videos as I try to work through some difficult times...and a research paper that is due tomorrow lol. I really needed to hear this video right now. It is too easy to get caught up in others' perceptions of yourself esp when those people have some sort of control (boss, etc) over your life and to lose faith in yourself based on what is only someone else's conclusion based on limited interactions with you. Thanks for the reminder :)

[@IndieAuthorX]

I have a hard time moving on from what I used to be and embracing the new me, so I understand how others might have a hard time, but I find it is the opposite for me. Often it is the others who see the new me and are all too happy to reinforce that change to me, me being the unbeliever. I am blown away by the grace I receive from many friends and family. The people who cannot move one from what I used to be usually are the ones who negatively shaped me in the first place, moving away from those negative influences are often a big part in my positive change.

[@xofennyl]

very insightful. deep. it helped me - now I can explain why when I go back home around my parents I still feel 10 yrs old. so to add to, we can't have expectations of others, and some times we have to set boundaries (highly recommend BOUNDARIES by Townsend and Cloud). And sometimes we have to quietly deal with the discomfort. It can be hard for us because we are the ultimate "growers" and many are not. So we tend to grow beyond others. We can't push or expect. We have also grown up usually not showing our true selves because we just make our selves fit in, and its just too hard. So all that you said is accurate and good thoughts

[@gracer5923]

Thank you Frank.. I'm on this part of my journey.. And I needed to hear this out loud..

[@mr.carguy3161]

Thank you FJ for your insightful intelligence. You help us more than you know.

[@FrankJames]

I appreciate the comment :)

[@denisehall5145]

It depends on the family. If they have damaged you it is easier to walk away.

[@bkgk123]

I have been waiting for someone to talk about this...in a frank kind of way. Pun intended. It takes time, strength and more time. What you said about recognizing that the opinion of others is completely out of my control, that has been key for me. But is still so hard. And yes, the honest self evaluation, like really really? Have I actually changed. I may have to come back to this video when I need a little bump to keep me on track. Thank you keeping it real and attractive.

[@ryanblack3285]

I can totally relate to this 100%. I was a disrespectful drug addicted teenager and made a lot of poor decisions in my past. Now I'm 37 and clean and sober and I'm a law abiding citizen. When I was 19 I cashed savings bonds that were meant to help pay for college and used the money for dope. I wasn't interested in going to college then. Later when I was ready to go I got no help though I was clean and reformed. Many people in my family still think I'm the same as I used to be but I've calmed down a lot. I'm clean and sober and going to community college. It's amazing how 15 years can go by and people don't see how much you've changed and grown as a person! It's quite frustrating but really there's nothing you can do but just keep living right and hope they catch on. I thought by now my actions would speak for theirself. 🤪

[@medhud609]

I got it, really, thank you Frank. That's so relatable, just like hearing my own mind, but even stronger. That's really give me a strength. And I really got it. One thing I don't believe is how can I just saw this video after one week uploaded? And also, I regret for erasing that commment, actually that time, I prevent someone from reading that comment, but now all is fine, that doesn't matter anymore.

[@kristinmullinax7719]

You're such a neat human and I appreciate what you share on your channel. Thank you for being you! :D

[@amandawilliams4208]

How do you keep yourself from absorbing the emotions of someone else? How can you turn off empathy? Narcissists make this very very hard.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

/ I recently revisited some people I was very close with, 30 years ago. They haven’t changed a bit. It was interesting to interact with them, sort of like going back in a time machine. I feel 30 years younger when I interact with them. But, I also feel like I cannot share my total self with them, because I have become TOO VAST; I no longer fit into their world.. but it’s also true that they have no way “ to connect “ with me, or they are not inspired to try. Great topic .. ✅

[@FrankJames]

yeah I know what you mean. Thanks for the comment, BarbaraMerry :)

[@LuckyElephant3]

Wow this was a great video! Very very though provoking and I agree with many of your points.

[@jasonwilkerson9497]

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. " -Kurt Cobain. I agree. -2 INFPS

[@desireemariec1108]

Frank James, the wise owl🍁 💚You Sir, are no child. Bring it!

[@felicitasfritz5202]

Very serious. Hopefully, someone who needs it sees this video. Because it is a complicated theme and people who are in such situation need a little push.

[@silentecho4445]

Yeppers, my family is dead to me cuz they treat me now the same when i was a kid. I was bullied by everybody almost like a curse. My dad, my grandma, uncle on moms side, my son that passed...they were the only REAL ppl. In my LIFE that really cared about me.

[@latiie]

This made me consider making a channel about me giving advice to people so that i can use this INFJ wisdom during quarantine

[@jeanniestaller797]

I have the different personas with my family and my husband's family. I'm two totally different people with each group. As a parent of 2 children in their 30's and 1 almost 30, I recognize that they change and overcome certain childhood tendencies, but I still see their basic personality traits come through.

[@dapaula1]

My family used to claim they knew me 'better than myself", something interesting to say especially because we could poorly relate to each other. Then I left my country and I never felt alone or in doubt of myself as when we were together. My growth was visible and solid. Today I see why they needed me to take part in their insecurities. I forgave them, and apparently, they forgave someone they never knew before, me.

[@platoniczombie]

This is why I refuse to use the word authentic, and why I push back on people who claim they just want to be their authentic self, or who say someone else isn't being authentic. People change, and what may seem like a moment to you was something that took years probably for them; furthermore, who are you to stay someone is isn't being authentic? Why do other people feel like they can label someone else's personality, when no one really has any idea of the inner thoughts of someone except them. I told my friend this, and while he didn't agree entirely I'm still going to say it, " I see a lot of people claim that other people are being fake, but I have yet to find a single person who identifies as being fake."

[@silentecho4445]

Totally understand where your coming from Frank

[@QNCheyenne]

Thank you FJ ♥️