When people won't move beyond who you used to be

As we grow and change, it can be difficult for others to accept us in new ways of being, even positive ones. Sometimes it seems like we are held to our past selves forever. How do we deal with these relationship problems when we are trying to grow?

[@bellefiori574]

You intelligent biscuit.

[@FrankJames]

that could be my new channel name

[@saxongreen78]

Frisky Biscuits for Frisky Ponies.

[@kanelowrey5172]

@@FrankJames Do it.

[@lucyk2634]

@@FrankJames no don't do it

[@anabelle99]

@@FrankJames 1

[@shellyhard6044]

How is it people who know me don't understand, but strangers get it in a second?

[@easytoslip]

probably because they go half unconscious expecting you to be a certain way. they haven't changed so just assume you haven't either. I prefer interaction with strangers, personally. It's fun and effortless.

[@Ralazven250]

Because people who "know" you already had the time to form their idea of who you are. Strangers don't need time, maybe they assumed who you were by looks before you talked, but then once you quickly began to talk, they weren't yet settled in their thoughts about who you are, so they can quickly reevaluate, because they don't know a previous 'you'.

[@shellyhard6044]

That's true! I have to stop getting irritated.

[@basilbaby7678]

Just make sure that you're not being Gaslit.

[@morganbrooks1814]

There's no history. No bias. They can only see the person you are now, and have no other version of you compare it to. (BTW, Frank... fellow INFJ here, and majored in psychology -- I enjoy your channel and really think you should go get your degree in psychology, too!

[@endangrd895]

"What you think of me is none of my business." Gary Oldman

[@nemoforvermore8085]

Thank you for sharing this :)

[@LittleMissHoop]

I love that quote. So wise.

[@AthenaIsabella]

Ah. Needed to read this. Thank you.

[@louisemc3680]

Thank you so much for that! Next time someone starts telling me what they think of me I'll say, 'Wait- I have a Gary Oldman quote for you' and look it up on my phone (hopefully find it) but even if I don't, I'll have shut them up by then anyway ;)

[@rmp7400]

To be fair: That Goldman does not have to care - he is an irreplaceable gifted actor, (and not clinically insane) so his income is assured🎭 Additionally, his marriage is a very happy one❤

[@i_survived_benzos7692]

man, you know your stuff. i study psychology and youre confirming everything ive learned.

[@ashleycnossen3157]

The worst thing is when someone thinks something blatantly wrong about you and spreads that around

[@lalakuma9]

Oh yeah, my parents have been in denial since I hit puberty. Sometimes it's hard for me to go back home and have my parents telling me to "just be myself," which actually means "go back to what we think you were like when you were 10 years old and fulfill our expectations." I think my problem isn't so much about whether they see me, but whether they like me. But maybe I shouldn't care so much. And especially being an INFP, I find it extremely insulting when other people tell me that I'm not being authentic to myself, when they're the ones who refuse to see.

[@HomeDIYSStuff]

Their loss.

[@xom7757]

it's strange, for a long time even i didn't see the "real me" because it was so deeply suppressed beneath layers of fakery which i still don't remember why i created for myself as a little kid

[@lena007_]

same 😳

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

yessssssss. this so much. i moved away from home halfway across the country and havent seen my parents in 2 years. within that time i am finding who i really am because im alone with myself a lot and dont have any friends here. its eye opening to see how i thought i knew who i was until i moved out here and realized that who i used to be was someone who i was because of who i was around back home. idk if that makes sense. but yes. great video ❤❤ i love your hair btw, looks good!

[@FrankJames]

that makes perfect sense. The gravity of the childhood home is so great that it is very difficult if not impossible to know who you are until you are completely outside of it. And I'm glad you're liking the hair xD

[@medhud609]

And I was 1,5 years, then found myself more clear. Just frequently, hoping for a better relationship with a trust matter. But now I can take a more clear steps.

[@amnahebrahim3325]

I used to have a friend who would constantly make me feel bad for "changing" and not being the person I "used" to be when we first met. I always listened patiently as she described the old me and how much she missed her, and I couldn't see what changed? But I would always reassure her that people grow and that change was inevitable, and that I still am here. Things got a lot tiring and it would drain me out of my energy when she would point it out and it would make feel guilty for being more of the person i am now, I would constantly tell her how it makes me and that people change and grow and develop especially in the age range we are (18 to 21). This later developed into her judging my personality and the way I handle things and she would always criticise me for who I am, and that she wants me to be better, to be more like her. I didnt notice at first, but this caused me to have major anxiety that I have disappointed my close friend, and her flakiness honestly wasnt helping either. It became to the point where she would always talk about who she is and who I am and it felt like a comparison all the time! It really drained me. I had to cut her off eventually because it was to much stress for me. As a people pleaser I didnt notice how much I was trying to change myself to make her happy. It hurts till this day that I cut her off because I obviously loved her so much and still do and I feel so guilty. I relate to this video in so many ways and I am trying to recover from what she ingrained in me of the idea of who I am. Thank you for this video it helped me see things from her perspective. It means a lot

[@justinesantiago3820]

I think it's great that you are being more of yourself rather than a "people-pleaser", because your paths may cross again & she'll learn to respect the you are & not what you've become ^_^

[@leilania8707]

Its hard enough being accepted who i am now...before i started watching your videos i thought there was something wrong with me, but i realized it is my personality and how i relate to the world around me. Thanks to you I'm starting to improve myself and understand what is going on. You truly have a gift and i want to thank you for your videos.❤

[@FrankJames]

well thank you for the comment, Lei

[@DaniellaTousson]

Thank you Frank. As someone who pulled a 180 with her personality in early 2022, I am still struggling with this exact thing, I needed to hear this. Your right, by trying to change there perception of me, I'm still relying on there perception to tell me who I am.

[@borisvandruff7532]

The most important part of being hard on yourself, especially when you’ve wronged people in the past, is making some attempt to make it right with some humility. Maybe even if you don’t like that person, it’s still important to acknowledge when you’ve been wrong and when you’ve treated them badly. If you REALLY want others to see that you’ve changed for the better, it shows in how you treat people you don’t like even more than it shows in the ones you do.

[@nomg563]

Beautifully articulated. Being able to do this shows maturity...And maturity is an indicator of growth, and ultimately change. I learned this very recently, but still grateful I got the message (late or not).

[@deborahg1246]

I’m a mom and my daughter is 21. Kind of speaking from both sides because I have a rough relationship with my parents and now my daughter is 21. It is hard for parents to accept their kids are not kids anymore, it’s hard to not tell them what to do or how they should be, fortunately for me and my daughter we are pushing past that and I’m getting to enjoy seeing who she is becoming as an individual. Some of the awesomeness that she is, is no thanks to me, she decided it for herself without my help :)

[@FrankJames]

that is great to hear that you two are letting the relationship develop and grow in a healthy way!

[@HomeDIYSStuff]

If you never did that shit in the first place it wouldn't be so hard. Stop. Let her be confident, respect her and trust she will do the right thing. You will be uncomfortable at first, but it's not your life. Stop the advice bs. If she wants it, she'll ask for it. That's the problem with nip n tuck parents. Your child can't grow balanced and have their own voice. That shit starts young and creates a victim child. Accept her n stop judging. Good luck.

[@Gracenglory5]

FJ: “No one is going to see the real you on the inside”... Me: my world is shattered 💔...thankfully there is at least ONE ☝🏻 who sees the real me, even more than I do. 🙏🙌🏻

[@NikkiDocherty74]

I am the same person I have always been. I've matured like everyone else but there's nothing different about me. The only thing new is that I've refused to keep silent about the covert fraud and covert lies I've experienced toward myself my identity since I was a child. The person doing it swears up and down that I am not the same person. I am the same person I've always been. I just don't keep quiet in the face of their abusive lies and covert smears. It's the work of a narcissist on a smear campaign.

[@denisehall5145]

If there are not other INFJs in your family you are always the outsider.

[@kittywalker2944]

To me it seems like there are 2 types of people - those who decide who/how they are and stick with that mold for life, whether it serves them or not and those who, like everything in nature, are constantly growing, changing, adapting and improving. There is really no point in ‘trying to...’ anything with the first group - they’re set ... it’s not you, it’s them. The people in the second group not only Will notice your changes, they will assume the whole time that you are likely to change. What someone else says, thinks or does in reference to you is about Them. How you react to it, internally or externally, is about you.

[@clastagehtdichnixan3426]

I only partly agree. In my opinion, it is not so easy to split people into these two groups. I think it has more to do with inner maturity and everyone is in some sort of maturing process. Even people who might seem 'set', habe the potential to personally grow and try to become a better person. They might just need a little push in the right direction.

[@ColinBurmingham]

Beautifully said Frank. Today's Bible verse for you... Man looks at the outward appearance, the Lord looks at the heart. On a slight tangent this is why I struggle a little with MBTI typing because we are not objective enough to type ourselves and no one else can know our inner selves well enough. Just saying.

[@dharmadharma3960]

Colin Burmingham 💞💞💞💞

[@simplyme7821]

💜 well said.

[@simplyme7821]

Oh Frank, why don't you just go back to school and get your degree in psychology and put out your shingle. Maybe it's in your genes but you're just really good at this. I feel like you've grown up 5 years since 2 years ago. You're nowhere near the little boy that you were. It's quite amazing and fun to watch you mature into a man. I'm glad you made another video. Carly

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Carly J / It’s a whole new world, Frank has experience & insight. He doesn’t need to go to college to get a degree to practice psychology.. those guys have to follow formulas.. in life, any mature person can be a successful life coach. It doesn’t require a college degree.

[@FrankJames]

I've thought about it before! Thanks for your kind comment, Carly

[@jennpod2378]

INFJs are great psychologists 👍

[@simplyme7821]

@@BarbaraMerryGeng I agree with you completely. Look how much he's helped people already. A regular psychologist would never sit for an hour showing people pictures of calendar Birds but that had a profound relaxing and bonding feeling to it. It helped to shape the way I felt that day. My boyfriend has cancer and I'm devastated and so is he and getting to sit and just watch Frank being frank took my mind off of what we're going through. Can you believe this dude he's going to have 35000 viewers by my birthday at the end of May? And how did he do it? By being Frank James. An infj can feel someone who is lying extremely quickly. He is as authentic as he can be at any given moment. I think that's why I can sit back and watch him grow and change over the months and I feel like his community is very loving and kind and personally I think that God is leading him to help some of his children who are having a very tough time.💜🐦 Filled with gratitude, Carly

[@heatherpence2145]

I love psychology. I can't not study it. I have been in school for it quite a bit and my personal perspective is you can learn a lot of it on your own. Also, I think there's things higher than psychology as far as truth goes and as far as helping people goes. Saves time and money to not do it formally in college

[@johnfogarty1874]

Frank you just solved my internal conflict. Been trying to mentally figure this one out for months now and the way you put this together especially the aligning your inner and outer worlds + people not liking your change and it taking time to come to terms with your newer self. xx much love

[@calebd.swanson5767]

"Ok, that's what they see; I can't control it." I appreciate that. Thanks.

[@thundercho]

Hi Frank - I have been watching a lot of your videos and agree with most of what you have been saying. Being someone who is over 50 and an introvert as well, I have found these to be mostly true. As people grow up, they have to reconcile who they think they are with who they truly are. What someone says or thinks about you doesn't really change who you are. Who you are changes, when you decide to think, feel, and act differently about yourself than when you did before. A person's impression of you will only change when they make change(s) based on new information that they see as fact, they have different feelings about you, or their reality that involves you changes. Another person cannot really "know" who you are, but it's their "best guess" based on their attitudes, expectations, and feelings about you. You can only fix yourself, and no one can do it for you. Conversely, you can't fix anyone else, but you can help them if they really are amenable to it. Finally, whether a person likes you or not, isn't your problem. It's their issue, and is usually an outward reflection of their internal state. Thank you and keep up the good work.

[@kikimarie123]

Thank you, Frank. Alignment may just become the new “theme” for the year...your thoughts and assertions are yet again, helpful as ever. You are a gem.

[@FrankJames]

thanks, Kirsten :)

[@PaulKyriazi]

A perfect title for this video which will save many people a lot of time and frustration as they move up in life. I sure could have used this video at age 26 when I had to go it alone with my artistic endeavors. Wonderful heart-felt examination on the subject of change.

[@BurgundyandBlue1111]

This is even worse with rumors, one's public persona that precedes them before they even enter a room. It makes it where you can't even get to know people because they only see you as ________ (whatever you are rumored to be). It can be like a form of identity theft and really disempowering. Perhaps when things like that happen the way to get through it is to see it as some sort of spiritual price to pay (although I don't really believe in karma), hold to your truth and have peace either way. Treat people like they are seeing you as you want to be seen (this is where I would think being an INFJ, the master role players, would come in handy). Thanks for this great video. There is so much sage wisdom in it. Nice work FJ.

[@taramacfarland8873]

This.

[@basilbaby7678]

If someone has made you the target of a Smear Campaign, f*** them, and live your best life.

[@constancebaker4616]

"Why do you care what what others think about you?" My Mom told me this once when I was a self conscious adolescent. This was particularly powerful because she was an uninhibited role model for this attitude and, of course, because she was MY mom. I often think of the best leaders of the human race and how they would be hamstrung if they let past behavior hold them back. Lincoln (a distant relative) was quite obviously a racist in his earlier years but he thankfully transformed himself. Once he became acquainted with some remarkable black people, "new data" came in and he was comfortable enough in his own skin to set a new course. We all have to discern the path that is right for us, gather the courage of our convictions, and move forward.

[@leiasart4610]

I have a very similar problem; I'm so much more confident and open than I was a few years ago (which is good, of course), and altogether I don't have a lot in common with my old self anymore. So whenever I do something together with my old friends and my new friends, my old friends somehow "judge" me harshly, because they think they know the real me and I pretend something I'm not with my new friends, which just isn't the case. However, that kinda makes me fall back into my insecure ways when I do things with both groups at the same time, which again makes me want to keep both seperate, but I feel like an asshole to say that I don't wanna bring my other friends to certain events ° _ °

[@FrankJames]

yes, that can be a big issue, different friend groups seeing you as different "you"s

[@leiasart4610]

@@FrankJames Yes, exactly! I feel such an imtense dissonance whenever I am in that situation, so much so that I often just go back to being silent and even feel more depressed as long as I'm there.

[@ladysuper2000]

I can relate so much to your comment! I even have one friend who knows me since primary school and still thinks I'm the same person (I'm 25 now). I used to be really shy as a kid but I'm usually not like this anymore, but she often says things like "you're just so shy" which makes me act awkward when she's near... It's really kind of stupid

[@moregravity033]

It took me 30 of my 32 years to realize that nothing is set in stone....nothing. Our views perceptions and beliefs are ever changing as the years pass of our lives. If it isn't changing for you, you aren't actually growing as a person. Or at least that's what I have been told after I had long found it. It hurts when others can't accept different and/or improved versions of ourselves but it is all part of the process I think lol. Great video Frank and much needed 💜👽

[@AK-0111]

This felt like one of your best among the advice videos. ..loved ❤️

[@FrankJames]

thanks!

[@heatherpence2145]

Ya this was next level like whoah, are you reading this? Or did you realize all this on your own?

[@mallorielouann546]

"Patterns of behavior" this is everything for me. My whole life I've been "the quiet one" though I've been trying to change. However, when I try to speak, I get more attention than anyone else just because of the role that I use to play. Because of this, it stops me from even trying to enforce this new identity. I love being who I am as a more reserved person, though when I say I was quiet...I mean I was really quiet. To the point where some people thought I didn't talk. So, when I tried to change for the better, it made it even more difficult for me than most.

[@tiffaneereyes4398]

I think I’ve been fortunate enough to have a few friends in my life who have stuck around to peel back the layers and see me at my core. I also have a handful of family members that accept me for who I am and how I continue to change. I do see how there can be groups of people that only see you in a certain light. For me, it would be people I met in college or right after. I was a different person and just wanted to have fun all the time because I was hurting. They never understood that aspect. I would always gravitate to a certain person in the group and allow them a chance to see more of myself. I’m not really close with those old groups anymore. I grew out of them and moved on...and so did they. I think only some people are meant to stick around. As for family, mine is fairly simple. They are like me. When things get too drama filled, we tend to retract from the rest of the family. I think that’s why we are so close. I can’t imagine a family where you had to constantly prove yourself. That seems exhausting. It would be a very difficult situation for me because I would just want to door slam everyone. My heart goes out to the viewer who asked this question. Maybe just show yourself in your actions and not your words. Sometimes words fall on deaf ears.

[@itsbecca]

What a special warmth and feeling of genuine caring that came out in this video. It really softened some of the cynicism I've been shielding my heart with, you know, the walls that whisper "People are selfish and terrible, they're only going to hurt you." I don't know, it's just very touching. Whew, it suddenly got dusty in here. So weird.

[@denisehall5145]

We have moved on but they have not. It is so easy for them to put you in a box and ignore you.

[@lmcintosh13]

Hi Frank James. As an INFJ who has carried trauma and not really dealt with it for 20+ years I think it would be interesting to go over how INFJs deal with trauma. Pros and cons? Just a thought. I liked this video, thanks.

[@FrankJames]

I'll take that into consideration for a video!

[@laraoneal7284]

I’ve come from trauma also and went no contact from my family of origin for good. I don’t allow toxic ppl in my life at all. I would love FJ to a vid on this also.

[@sonyvalencia]

I think Infj's think the way we do because of really bad childhood trauma. I say if you think like me you must to some extent be as messed up as me. Most infj's from what I have seen grew up with a controlling mother.

[@sonyvalencia]

@@laraoneal7284 Also come from bad parenting I noticed that's usually the case with infj's.

[@laraoneal7284]

sony so Yes I totally agree. Toxic parents cause us to become introverts. This is definitely something that should be addressed. Check out Narcissit Resistance channel. It is jawdropping the knowledge on that channel. Narcissist abuse IS RAMPANT IN OUR SOCIETY.

[@pohkeee]

“It's not who you are underneath, its what you do that defines you.” ~~ Batman Begins

[@MBAinternetmktg]

Having four children, I think you're right. When I see my 33 yr old son, who is grown and successful, I still see a happy, joking little kid. He's now a serious businessman under a lot of stress. He's changed, more serious, more cautious, more hesitant to adventure.

[@jenna6256]

My brother has a destructive behavior with alcohol. He's a functioning drunk and is abusive in his relationship. When he's made to sober up by the law, he eventually starts to drink again over a few months. My point is, only time will tell if someone has changed. Takes time to earn respect back too.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Jenna / It’s your anger & resentment that holds things in place. Better to distance yourself from any persons who don’t live up to your standards. And therefore, you keep your peace 👌🏼

[@FrankJames]

very true, Jenna

[@myangimeowgi]

Miss Merry Berry I love the way you put that and I agree ❤️

[@dapaula1]

My family used to claim they knew me 'better than myself", something interesting to say especially because we could poorly relate to each other. Then I left my country and I never felt alone or in doubt of myself as when we were together. My growth was visible and solid. Today I see why they needed me to take part in their insecurities. I forgave them, and apparently, they forgave someone they never knew before, me.

[@girlblogger3524]

I don’t like being put in that “who you are” bind. The concept of growth and change must be received with openness. I guess if it works in my favor, it’s ok!

[@nomg563]

Amen. Ever evolving!

[@davidaberra3964]

I'm a 34 yo Infj and I'm struggling with it right now. I noticed that when you're silent extroverts tend to fill your gaps and decide what's inside of you without asking or looking for an update. Actually I realize now that a couple of very close friends have been doing that for more than 15 years and they don't really understand fundamental parts of me and of my thinking. I find it a sort of laziness and haughtiness, cause that's easier than waiting for me to start open myself (I always wait for people to get silent and emotionally focused to do that). I decided to speak out to let them accept why I isolate myself from certain dynamics (and so from them) and that I demand authenticity from close dears or it's worse than just a sad waste of time and energies, it even perpetuates this distortion making us live in a lie.

[@silentecho4445]

Yeppers, my family is dead to me cuz they treat me now the same when i was a kid. I was bullied by everybody almost like a curse. My dad, my grandma, uncle on moms side, my son that passed...they were the only REAL ppl. In my LIFE that really cared about me.

[@Brxwn9]

God help you 🙏

[@jalisacottman552]

No matter what if people see me as a shy person they always will. I haven't changed I have gotten attached to new hobbies but I haven't Changed. I still hold a reputation of a good kid but I know I'm not perfect I rarely show my angry side cuz I'm seen as quiet. Nobody really knows the real me I like it that way sometimes.

[@amandawilliams4208]

How do you keep yourself from absorbing the emotions of someone else? How can you turn off empathy? Narcissists make this very very hard.

[@pyraxusthelutarian7276]

Man, I hear you FJ, I moved 3,000 miles away from my friends and family on the west coast 20 years ago to the east where I hardly knew a soul, in large part to sort of re-invent myself and get away from those definitions made by them and being "stuck" in those old patterns. I have no regrets, but then as an INTJ-A it was probably easier for me than most to make that change. 🙂

[@louisemc3680]

'Align your inner and outer world'. The key to authenticity- thank you

[@lauramason5667]

Thanks for the great talk and there’s so much truth in what you spoken about. They said family is like a spiderweb and everyone’s stuck in their place on the web when you try to shake it up everybody goes back to the same place. The longer you know somebody you think that the relationship will get stronger but it often becomes a limited definition. We should all be able to breakthrough of this trend.

[@jessicawise4314]

Fellow INFJ and newest fan of your channel! I wanted to say that I think maybe different people bring out different parts of ourselves. Gather those people into one room and I’m sure they’d think we were even more “changed”. 😂 Thanks for voicing this topic. ❤️🤗

[@anisanancy6459]

This my favourite video made by my favourite KZbinr.this is rly somthing that i used to struggle with.the guilt that i felt for being that person led me to self hate.and took me a long time to realize that sticking to ur past is useless.the past itself does not define who u are.and the people who bring u down just ignore them. If a few think of u negatively then remember there are hundreds living that don't.

[@virginiyawilce5374]

Thank you so very much for your wisdom. I am in this situation and it’s hard and just to clarify not with my parents. I knew that I just have to let go as I cannot change someone’s mind and opinion but I was still hoping that if they see my heart and good intentions they will but, but your words are reassurance of what I know that this will never happen and unfortunately they will see only what they want to see and as you say they will put you in a situation where you may slip and they will say “see I was right about you. You haven’t changed a bit.” it hurts but I guess we have to accept to live with the fact that not everyone believes in redemption. I think the most that hurst is that I give everybody so many changes but when I slip ones I am doomed for life. However I am a human and no matter how much I try to be perfect and be the sun for everyone I do also have needs too that if crossed, I may act in a away you are not use to, but that doesn’t make me bad person but proves I am human.I wish people understood this but it goes so much deeper too…

[@Lotusblume.8]

I feel that he just needs to BE the change and not talk about it. People say a lot of things but actions speak louder. In time they will see it and if they don’t then maybe he needs to distance himself from them for a while. And keep being the person he feels he is. Maybe that relationship wasn’t serving him or even toxic. On the flip side, I had a friend who was completely out of tune with himself and his feelings and couldn’t have been more wrong about who he would tell me he was and the person I was witnessing. It was insane. He contradicted himself all the time. He was a decent guy, don’t get me wrong, but I couldn’t take it after a while. It’s all subjective in the end...

[@heatherpence2145]

Whoah "no one is gonna be yourself looking at yourself." That's truly a life changing thought

[@kajalshaik4585]

Thank you, you helped me a lot in dealing with my anxiety, I got to know about my self better. I'm improving on dealing with my self better, I'm now more calm. This is also new for me let me know my self better. My childhood growing up is very tromatising, I'm dealing with my self better. You are a very sensible person, you have helped me on my journey from our earlier conversation to here. Love you ❣️ thank you, let's start to know each other better. This is helping me a lot. Thank you one again.

[@TheHeathernaut]

I wish I could show you my notes that I take from your videos. They’re incredibly informative. I expect nothing less from an INFJ.

[@thedemonglitch]

I came to this video without any expectation of relatability and was surprised with how much this resonated with me. I've been aware of my cognitive dissonance regarding something I tell myself I value a lot, but then act against. And even with this awareness I have not come to terms with the fact I am not the person I tell myself I am. And I have been so unhappy that I haven't controlled the urge that makes me act against who I want to believe I am. But I'm going to challenge myself. Whenever I get that urge that goes against who I want to be I will instead watch one of your videos. Because this video made me want to be more than just aware of my identity crisis - it made me want to change it. Thank you.

[@ketchup5344]

I mean look at George Harrison:" The quiet Beatle". Who was the first to get a multi million selling tripple album after the Beatles split? Clue: it wasnt John, Paul or Ringo. He even named his record company Dark horse ✌🏽

[@Julia-LArt]

David Wilder ahh my favourite Beatle

[@platoniczombie]

This is why I refuse to use the word authentic, and why I push back on people who claim they just want to be their authentic self, or who say someone else isn't being authentic. People change, and what may seem like a moment to you was something that took years probably for them; furthermore, who are you to stay someone is isn't being authentic? Why do other people feel like they can label someone else's personality, when no one really has any idea of the inner thoughts of someone except them. I told my friend this, and while he didn't agree entirely I'm still going to say it, " I see a lot of people claim that other people are being fake, but I have yet to find a single person who identifies as being fake."

[@melissaclair1508]

I used to get mad when I felt others would try to put me in a box, but now I just find it funny because I know that I'm full of contradictions, and it has made me be more open-minded and accepting of others. When I think about what other people show of themselves I am always wondering about what side of themselves they are not showing, not necessarily in a suspicious way, and I am never surprised when people show me their hidden face.

[@charne9267]

Just be, love. Just love yourself. Just accept yourself. You are beautiful. You are perfect just the way you are. You don't have to change for anyone only change if that is what makes YOU happy. Sending you an abundance of warmth and love. 💚💚💚

[@gojizur2272]

"if you percieve me wrongly that's not my problem its your problem", you had no idea how I needed to hear that exactly now. Thank you Frank for creating that kind of videos! 😊 You really understand stuff and explaining it so good. As an INFJ I had hard time stop carrying and blaming myself for stuff over which I had no influence.. its so hard were parents are still blaming you for who you are in adulthood, when the only picture of you which they know is from the childhood.. I guess that's the answer which I had to hear. Its their role now to try face it, I did my part changing to better. All is in their hands now. Thank you ❤️

[@veracuskar3017]

I like that snow falling. And falling... It's nice to "grow". 🙏🐾🦄

[@Deeep_Tea]

Every time i hear again it just gets better n better

[@leilanoorani2976]

Thanks for this video. Good information, expressed in a relaxed, thoughtful and insightful way. I particularly like the way James does not state that he thinks all of these relationships can be fixed, but that in the scenario he describes, there is a good possibility it can…with time. Not all broken relationships can be healed of course (even if we have personally matured/changed/healed), and James never claims otherwise.

[@medhud609]

It's all I need to hear. It strengthen my gut/intuition, it told me to ask myself again, it told me to just doing mine. You made my day, Frank, thanks....

[@enaidr]

This was presented very well! As you said, the most important thing when dealing with this is to stay focused on your own behavior instead of trying to change others. This can be so hard to do without a bit of reconditioning of our tendencies but ultimately will push us to be more aligned. Thank you for such an insightful video.

[@CrystalMouse1]

My mother is a borderline. Has diagnosed bpd. She WANTS me to be the same weak girl I was before. So do my other enemies. They don’t move on because they underestimate my gained wisdom.

[@JoyceHMoore]

God sees the real me and that's all that truly matters. How people see me isn't important to me anymore because they don't know my heart. The trouble with people is they look at the outward appearance and they don't even try to know the real me. I am grateful to be someone whom God made one of the rarest personality types.

[@cozy5217]

Thank you, Frank! Always grateful for your advice 😊

[@FrankJames]

thanks for watching :)

[@creativecootie9030]

I can definitely relate. I am constantly changing and growing...learning new hobbies and acquiring new skills. It confuses the heck out of people in my life. The judgment and disapproval I received for not "following a standard career and life path" used to run deep, negatively affecting my psyche and my own concept of "who I am and who I should be." It hasn't been until very recently that I've decided to just follow whatever path I feel is most "me" and try my best to block out the criticism of those who don't understand.

[@Margaret75]

Yep for sure about 4 years ago my mom and sister started verbally ganging up on me based on things I did when I was in my teens. I, for the first time completely shut them down and said that was over 40 years ago and that hasn’t been who I am for a very long time and we are not going to talk about that anymore. Haven’t had a problem since. Finally I remember having a party when I was in my early thirties and thinking how cool it was going to be to have my friends meet each other. It could not have been further from the truth! They were all so very different and seemed to have nothing in common except me. Huge eye opener!!!

[@SimpleHappyZen]

Can I make a request? Would love to hear your take on the question of "Who are you" in the light of how Alan Watts used to talk about it. Like how people usually mention their name and their life's resume, but since that's all in the past, that doesn't describe who you really are. Like when you walk across the room and you turn around and you don't see your footsteps, so who then are you really? Hope it makes sense 😊

[@lisabarnes2235]

Simple Happy Zen I love to listen to Alan Watts, also. He’s been gone for so long, yet he’s always so relevant

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Simple Happy Zen / why don’t you do that talk on utube. You sure sound excited about it ..

[@TheSushiQueen100]

Love Watts as well. So insightful. Although I always remember a quote from him that I heard while cycling one day. "We're all hams". Thanks for that Alan lol

[@SimpleHappyZen]

@@BarbaraMerryGeng Haha maybe I'm do that some time. Also curious about Frank's thoughts on this topic. 😊

[@lisabarnes2235]

TheSushiQueen100 haha! Yes! And I love when he said we all have Rascality

[@The_Life]

This has been helpful in struggling through church hurt. People, including me, are flawed. It's been hard having to leave my local church and my local family (temporarily) for a new one because I couldn't make my closest friends see what was in my heart. And then to be vulnerable with new people. I also appreciate that FJ brings up that we need to legitimately ask if we've changed. It is so easy to go back into old patterns/sins/issues and we need to really look and see if our hearts are at the place we think they are. All of this is soooo relateable.

[@bbbbbbb51]

The commenter who inspired this want me, but I relate to a T. Being a 22yo INFJ is NOT fun when it comes to parents. Parents are used to "who you are" so when these deep personality changes and transparencies come into your life as you've steadily moved on from your parents they just continue to treat you the same way. My issue is I can't just accept or ignore that. All I want in life right now is 6 months with not even a text from my parents. Even 1 month and I'd be fine. They just can't seem to accept that not seeing them for 2-3 months at a time (AT LEAST) is how I can love them most. Instead I get texts or calls 1-2x a week from each parent. I've been living on my own for 4 years now and I'm ready for much much more space from those who I've been attached to my whole life. It's so hard to get that message across and in my situation is even harder for them to accept and respect it, but when they don't it feels like they're disrespecting and rejecting my wants & needs with relationships. I'm tired of being in this uncomfortable position.

[@easytoslip]

with my parents, the way they act when they're pissed about something I did or said, is to withold contact for a year. So they assume if I don't want to talk I'm mad too I think. I need a year away from mine too and I'm 45. For me it's because I feel like I've shared so much with them about my thoughts and life and they share much less. Then they contact me and ask how things are, expecting me to share more. Like bros, I just wrote you 23 paragraphs compared with your three sentences, buck up and contribute

[@iamshaman]

Lol parents love their little INFJs

[@basilbaby7678]

Brandon, consider following a channel called The Narcissistic Resistance. It recently featured a submitter story similar to your own.

[@sarakjeldsen769]

Acceptance that you can't change how others see you is key. 👌

[@heatherholt4136]

Thank you Frank! I have changed some not so great but those aren't things I can control but I an working on improving however I have also realized that no matter how much others won't accept me that is their problem and I won't be upset and it down diminish who I am and my other good qualities!

[@jeffreypmitchell]

Best video I’ve yet to find on KZbin. Thank You Frank.

[@gemeinschaftsgeful]

I think growth is power in a good way and it can disturb the pack pecking order. The identity that is formed is a lot from the interplay between the individual and the pack. So much of that troubled psychology comes from a sense of scarcity rather than abundance. A feeling of a lack of love and opportunity makes people controlling and rigid in roles and positions. These interactions over time are really most likely depressing to everyone. If I only like someone because of their false identity in the pack, and I don't like them if they change to their true self, I never had a relationship with them, and maybe cannot and will not have one with them in the future. Imagine the misery of not liking someone in their true identity but liking them in their false identity.

[@lancelotdufrane]

Certainly reaffirmed the “Know Thy Self”, concept. If others have put us in a “slot”... that’s Their story. We Are our own truth. Are we not? Having changed my entire life, 13 yrs ago,. Seeing those people from that time, ....I just show up and be myself. Loving,.. patient, allowing. They will see WHATEVER they see..... I am comfortable, in my own skin. Very. I feel Lucky to have arrived, finally, at this place. Frank, I want to thank you for your loving gift of communication skills, shared. Good stuff.

[@j.j.r.6075]

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." M. K. Gandhi

[@ruthjeffery2539]

Maybe we should look at how we hold others within the bounds of what they once were also. Model the acceptance we want from others.

[@Wasp239]

"Are you mad?", "You're so angry" are phrases that narcissists like to say. It's a personality disorder, and they're entitled.

[@jasonwilkerson9497]

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. " -Kurt Cobain. I agree. -2 INFPS

[@jeanniestaller797]

I have the different personas with my family and my husband's family. I'm two totally different people with each group. As a parent of 2 children in their 30's and 1 almost 30, I recognize that they change and overcome certain childhood tendencies, but I still see their basic personality traits come through.

[@ryanblack3285]

I can totally relate to this 100%. I was a disrespectful drug addicted teenager and made a lot of poor decisions in my past. Now I'm 37 and clean and sober and I'm a law abiding citizen. When I was 19 I cashed savings bonds that were meant to help pay for college and used the money for dope. I wasn't interested in going to college then. Later when I was ready to go I got no help though I was clean and reformed. Many people in my family still think I'm the same as I used to be but I've calmed down a lot. I'm clean and sober and going to community college. It's amazing how 15 years can go by and people don't see how much you've changed and grown as a person! It's quite frustrating but really there's nothing you can do but just keep living right and hope they catch on. I thought by now my actions would speak for theirself. 🤪

[@maryann146]

When I was a teenager, I was quiet, but then I became more outgoing one year, and everyone said I was being fake and trying too hard. But I wasn't. I gained confidence that year and felt like I could express myself. But people acted like I had to act that way for the rest of my life. People asked me "what happened to you?" I've always been the same person, and there are multiple sides to my personality.

[@IndieAuthorX]

I have a hard time moving on from what I used to be and embracing the new me, so I understand how others might have a hard time, but I find it is the opposite for me. Often it is the others who see the new me and are all too happy to reinforce that change to me, me being the unbeliever. I am blown away by the grace I receive from many friends and family. The people who cannot move one from what I used to be usually are the ones who negatively shaped me in the first place, moving away from those negative influences are often a big part in my positive change.

[@XDominiqueXFranconX]

I have scored as an INFJ on more than one personality test, and I generally relate with all of the listed traits. However, I often have people like my mother tell me I am a certain way, when I may actually be less that way than she thinks. Or, people think I am a certain way because I shoehorn myself into specific roles, but those roles are not actually my true comfort zone. To be exact, there are a few people think I am outgoing and extroverted, and that I have leadership qualities. I think this is because we INFJs are generally warm and caring people, but we also have strong ideas, which is why some think I am extroverted and a leader. When I read about all the personality types, there are some areas of the ENFJ personality type that I identify with, in terms of how my life appears from the exterior. However, I believe this is because I am truly INFJ, but I am often expected to perform as an extrovert. The difference between myself and a true extrovert is that after acting extroverted throughout my work week, I often spend entire nights and weekends alone to recharge from the exhaustion of sensory and emotional overload.

[@haylei2804]

Yeah, sometimes I have to come to terms with what I perceive to be a discrimination of introverts. It makes me sad.. but that's okay. Just gotta keep growing. I'm glad to read about your successful illusions.

[@Harvieandsam]

I am what I am. I love my family. I love my friends. I find it does no good to overthink things. I tell myself to get on with things and live. This day and age it is easy to become consumed with oneself to the point of obsession. It is an easy thing to do. I have done it. I want live and love freely. When I relaxed my society came to me. Bless everyone and may we all be surrounded by love. Bless you James.

[@cherramos3727]

INFJ here... I cannot believe this topic and it’s TIMING... 2.5 hrs ago my H.S. BFF has met and getting married all in 6 weeks... and I’m still processing that because I guess I’m maybe TOO cautious or skeptical... so I listened to this video and thought of whoever I have perceived her to be and how different we experience life and make choices... irdk... Update: This video and others I chose were really HELPFUL to see my friend herself, not who we were years ago, but also beyond all the mistakes we’ve ever made in relationships due to poor choices and being too young... I chose to trust her decision... BE supportive and HOPE for her best and all that helps me to be sincerely HAPPY for her... our friendship is STRONGER and growing and that really matters to me bc she’s the ONE close friend I have left so I’m making the effort to stay in touch letting her know she matters to me regardless.

[@simplyme7821]

There's a whole psychology based on family and place that you fit into the family dynamic. And how hard it is to change that because the family likes that balance and the family as a whole will naturally opposed you changing your roll. I was the black sheep of the family and I tried really hard to change that but I think I'm still a black sheep of the family. My boyfriend was the intelligent manipulative egomaniac and you know what he still is but, if he wasn't maybe I wouldn't love him so much. CJ

[@Uvvibes]

"I change during the course of a day. I wake and I’m one person, and when I go to sleep I know for certain I’m somebody else"

[@zaya_tsh]

I’m sorry for asking such a private question but would you mind ever addressing INFJs and their obsession with death? I have personally known quite a lot of INFJs in both real life and online who admit they have “wanted” to die just to see what happens after. It’s as if they lack self-preservation and don’t value their lives at all. Whenever I think of INFJs, I compare them to the wind: gentle and flowing and accepting, yet they do not necessarily see themselves as a particular individual, only a particle of something bigger. Perhaps this type of dissociation from the individual makes them want to “experience death,” as though their deportation is not comparable to the death of another individual, and therefore, not as important and worth mourning after.

[@ravenn2631]

I know this is a late comment, but the channel, “Ask a Mortician,” is a fascinating channel from a funeral director, the person organizing funerals by the way (Ever thought about what their life is like?), and she really deals with being able to counsel people with their relation with death. As someone who has organized a lot of funerals, she had to comfort people a lot on their fear of death, and despite the dark subject matter, people keep saying her videos are surprisingly. . . soothing.

[@annayudin290]

@@ravenn2631 I am subcribed to her channel. I definitely recommend

[@Whimsy3692]

Some of us rather die than be in the company of shallow people who are already dead inside.

[@itswickedsweet4409]

@@ravenn2631 OMG OMG I just found her too and she's already my best friend 😆

[@dmas7749]

i'm an INxJ that's terrified of dying -tho i do feel i'm not worth mourning-

[@thewoundedhealer4950]

Over the years I have changed and transformed countless times.

[@carlybelliveau4775]

Honestly, this has broken and ended some friendships of mine, usually older friendships. Its hard to get past what people think of you from your history together, its been especially difficult with the guy friends I have had who have had crushes on me and how that had effected our dynamic as friends. I don’t even think the idea of changing as a person is the biggest aspect of what can break down the relationships playing around you. For me personally, it was just that I became more confident and started realizing what things actually hurt me and where I wanted to draw lines. In that way, nothing about me as a person, who I actually am internally, changed. I just stopped acting in ways they were used to and decided when enough was enough and when I needed to walk away. There is definitely an aspect of becoming more self aware over time too, I’ve certainly caught my own flaws and worked to try and manage my behavior and the reasons behind it, but whatever version of me exists in someone else’s reality is not my responsibility. It just is what it is. Sometimes friends come back later and it works out, sometimes they don’t and that, I’ve learned, is okay.

[@karlas6199]

You've just opened my eyes to something of which I wasn't aware. Is that the reason why it is such a challenge for me to get along with my family, because they refuse to let go of my old self? It does make sense. For a long time, I've been trying to find an explanation for my inability to be the person I know I've become when I'm around them. It's discouraging. I feel like I have no control over my own reactions. They have the ability to bring out things in me that I don't like. It makes me feel trapped. And you're right. They (mostly my parents) have the persistent tendency to assume things either about something I would do or about something I did or didn't do. It can be quite frustrating. It takes a lot to not let it get to me, but I've made progress nonetheless. Things aren't as bad as they used to be, and I am confident that they will continue to improve. There's something that has me worried regarding not getting along with family. My (older) sister is planning to come visit us in a few months. There's a big age gap between us. Her oldest son is only seven years younger than I am. We haven't seen each other in a very long time. I've changed a lot in recent years, and she doesn't really know this new version of me, at least not in person. On top of that, we have very different personalities, which used to be an occasional source of conflict between us. I'm afraid that the prolonged lack of interaction between me and her might make it difficult for us to see past our differences so that we can restore our relationship. I'm very excited that she's coming, but part of me worries that us getting along might not be so easy. I will put in my best effort. Hopefully everything will go well and it will be an enjoyable, stress-free time for all of us. Ohh... That is so beautiful! That snowy scene at the end. It looks like the inside of a snow globe. Magical... I wanna be there! :)

[@juricatomicic4829]

When someones has difficulties about that, I just remind myself that it's because I caught them off guards, and made them insecure...if person is cool with new me, that's great...if they got problem, it just confirms suspicion about that person's bad intensions

[@jenniferelliott8415]

I've been binge watching your videos as I try to work through some difficult times...and a research paper that is due tomorrow lol. I really needed to hear this video right now. It is too easy to get caught up in others' perceptions of yourself esp when those people have some sort of control (boss, etc) over your life and to lose faith in yourself based on what is only someone else's conclusion based on limited interactions with you. Thanks for the reminder :)

[@Uvvibes]

Thank you I’ve been a searching for this exact explanation inside myself for years I’d get it pieces and parts but wasn’t really sure if all of it was actually a thing or just inside my head! You put it together so perfectly, this will help a lot of people who see it and understand how and why it manifests in their life! ❤️

[@latiie]

This made me consider making a channel about me giving advice to people so that i can use this INFJ wisdom during quarantine

[@the_infinity_channel]

Watching this video I have felt that I am talking to myself. Thanks Frank!

[@felicitasfritz5202]

Very serious. Hopefully, someone who needs it sees this video. Because it is a complicated theme and people who are in such situation need a little push.