From Anxious To Secure: How I Stood Up for my Needs

[@ShopgirlNY182]

I can totally relate to your story Jillian about feeling that cold/distant energy. Last year I dated a guy long distance for almost a year. 3 weeks shy of being together a year he started to pull away and I could sense this energy. I asked him about it and he said was feeling overwhelmed and he just needed space. I said ok. I had plans to go meet him that weekend and I asked him if he still wanted to me to come visit or he needed some space/ time alone but he said he still wanted me to visit. We live 5 hours apart. When I got there he was distant he sat in the chair across from and there was no physical intimacy the whole weekend. He acted like I wasn’t even there. The day it was time for me to go, he told me he was depressed and just wanted to spend the day in bed. I remember in my gut my intuition said there is something definitely wrong and I just need to get out here. I don’t know what he said to me but I remember crying and saying I was tired of being sad and he said he wanted to go back to bed and wanted me to go lay with him but he was still cold and distant, it was awkward and I just felt I can’t do this anymore. I kissed his forehead and said goodbye. He was silent and I left. If I knew then what I know now that he was an avoidant and I was anxiously attached I don’t know if things would’ve been better but I do know his words didn’t align with his actions. I tried to reconnect with him 6 months later to see if we could have a friendship long distance and keep in touch, he said he would like that but again actions didn’t align with words and I ended up doing all the investing trying to keep in contact so I just said I’m not reaching out anymore and he hasn’t made any effort to do either. Sometimes you just have to let them go and move on as hard as it is. But I still can’t believe I put myself out there again for him to show me that I’m not important to him in his life. I should’ve listened the first time he broke my heart and not let him do it again. I trusted maybe we could make it work without the romantic component but I was wrong.

[@jillpolino6273]

You sound like an empathetic person, please learn from this and don’t be hard on yourself. Now you know you NEED reciprocal love 💕

[@Annapolisz]

Every second of listening to you feels like you see right through me, in a good way.

[@vertadi6010]

A HUGE thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all the golden advice I have received through your videos and podcasts.❤ Of course, I have ordered your book and Im so looking forward to studying every single line of it. Keep up the amazing work you do. 💪🏻

[@fabianafran927]

I need reassurance and safety in my relationships and it is good to know now that it is biological. And the need to tell the truth about our feelings and needs is so real, the worst thing for me that causes me a lot of anxiety and stress is walking on eggshells. Loved de video!

[@janine_christie]

This is relevant thank you for sharing your experiences. It means so much!!

[@jillianonlove]

Glad it was helpful!

[@VoidRealms]

"we continued to wear our masks even through our marriage".... I felt that... Pre-ordered the book

[@jillianonlove]

Thank you for your support! It means the world to me :)

[@VoidRealms]

@jillianonlove I think I speak for a lot of people on KZbin, we appreciate you I've watched most of your videos and quite a bit of them connect with me very deeply... I'm likely not the first person to Tell you that your content really echoes what happened in my relationships

[@melissap7790]

Thank you Jillian, I can't wait to download your book on Audible. I'm learning (and relearning) a lot from you about how and why I feel the way I do. I took time out (6yrs) from dating to work on myself and focus on my career as an actor. I am now in a relationship with a woman who has undiagnosed (but strongly suspected) ADHD. She's more avoidant leaning and I lean more towards anxious. We are experienceing communication challenges which is frustrating so soon into the relationship. Do you have any experience or advice around navigating ADHD in relationships? Thank you for all that you do to help people to learn, grow and be self loving and secure. 💜

[@cislasajr]

Im at 10:58 rn, that last quote was powerful. Im currently not in a relationship but dealing with relationship like issues with someone that hasnt been able to communicate with me. I feel that if we did get in the relationship we would end up like the couple in your book, because i know that perhaps something i did made her become avoidant. I think i have both anxious and avoidant tendencies, and perhaps some form of avoidance from me led to her being avoidant as well. Anyways im thinking right now that the best thing to do is walk away, but a part of me doesnt want to abandon her or ghost her. She grew up in the church that ive been attending for a year now, but i also have dealt with being ostracized by that community. She on the other hand perhaps had no fault in it, but i just don’t know anymore. All i have left now is to choose myself.

[@999artemisa]

Thank you

[@jillianonlove]

Thank you for being here! 🥰

[@vivadram]

I found it hard and not normal to do what I did.. not the norm for me at least… and I still sometimes think whether I shouldn’t have been so rash. But my ex had been - in the past month - acting more and more distant yet how she spoke to me was still okay.. not 💯 normal now that I think about it but still… if you didn’t pay attention, you’d think.. she was just busy with the end of the year, festivities, family and friends. And that’s what I told myself but my “spidey sense” started triggering more and more as the days went by. I brought it up a few times that we were feeling distant. She said it was us being busy and maybe we cld spend more time come the new year. But the feeling, my instincts .. my anxiousness / anxiety suddenly came back - like I really think there’s something wrong. NYE came and as I am a jazz vocalist I was working but I only got a general wish from her almost an hour after the clock striked midnight - yes I cld have wished her first or given her a call but I was performing and we were both aware of the circumstances… I was hurt but didn’t say anything about it. But I woke up really down on new year day and sent her a long message asking for clarity. Only then I get an inkling that she’s feeling unsure about us and if anything would rather talk in person - unfortunately she’s too busy now. Major let down and more anxiousness - all sorts of things playing on in my head. I still had a gig to do that night and on the 2nd Jan - drove home balling my eyes out wondering what’s up … almost 24 hrs go by with not a peep. We’re a proper caring couple and this was just so not her. Again I could have said something first but she made it clear she was busy and had her hands full. Only close to the end he of the night did she text me and said she was still busy. Some back and forth on questioning and arguing with ensued via text as she insisted they she couldn’t meet me! I called. She said we didn’t have any chemistry. Sometimes when I asked if she liked me and she gave me a look - she meant it… suddenly so many unexpected and hurtful things came up that I was not great - I’m blindsided by now. I finally decided that she didn’t love me enough of somethings happened and she said she was confused at the moment-unsure. I really don’t know what the truth is but I told her shd cldnt put me on pause and I didn’t wanna be with someone who didn’t love me the same. We ended. We’ve not communicated in any way since. I journal workout cry sit in my pain and do all I can most days. I am devastated. I’m sad. I’m hurt. Sometimes I want to ask her why. But part of me is afraid of the answers I’ll get and part of me doesn’t wanna mess further with my already difficult healing process. I’m sad. But I’m proud I stood up for me. I wouldn’t have before. But I did. She’s been a really great partner till now -‘so it’s very confusing and disappointing but I can’t do much but to just be and try to save me. Thank you for your lessons Jillian.

[@MsHwisprian]

Have you had your thyroid checked? You have a bump on your throat, I had a bump... I had surgery to remove my bump because it was precancerous.