FTM - Grieving for my past self in early gender transition

[@AndyMcKeever12]

Such a wonderful presentation, Finn! It makes so much sense relating it to Kubler-Ross' book. "Accepting" can be tough too because it brings up so many new thoughts, anxiety, freedom, etc. And, "grieving" is very real especially when missing one's boyhood. I feel bad for the younger me sometimes. "Meeting in the middle," as you so wisely mentioned, is great advice. Thanks for choosing this topic. Others will gain a lot from it. Take care, old wise one!!

[@Mxtrmeike13]

So I know this is an older vid for you, but I can definitely related to what you said. I just passed my 13 month on T date, and I've been doing a lot of renewed grieving for myself and who I used to be...and especially from 10:00 and onward, you helped to put into words exactly why I've been feeling this way. So, thank you! And congrats on your 6 months on T! =]

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks so much :) And yes, it does make it more bareable when you understand it all as part of a proccess, helps me to realise it will pass!

[@becomingwill]

I relate totally. I'm struggling with depression at the moment and vacillating between anger over needing the NHS because I'm not a cis male and trying to accept that I can't do any more than I am right now. The Serenity Prayer is good - courage to change and acceptance of what I can't change. We will get to a better place someday, Finn.

[@CGladly8]

Exactly, we shouldn't have to mourn, But unfortunately the world we live in still gives us cause to. I can't wait to see your "1 year on T' video. Have faith, you'll be posting it before you know it, and wondering where the time went! Thanks again! Keep posting.

[@maxontrax3713]

God Finn I know this isn't where you are now but this is exactly where I am at 36 struggling to rid myself of a food addiction and transitioning. I am going to share this with my family i

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you Andy, Im so glad people have related to this & it wasnt just my random mental head!! Accepting is so much harder than it seems!! But then avoiding acceptance, fighting against what cannot be changed, is so much harder. & grieving, feeling the pain of things lost, is so important, Ive missed a big chunk of my life, for various reasons, & allowing myself to be sad for that allows me to then let go & move on.The middle road of balance is hard..a work in progress!! Thank you my good friend

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I agree Will, its a long proccess but it will be worth it at the end. And the serenity prayer is the best thing in the world, gets me through everything. Hopefully it wont be too long for you now my friend . Keep on keeping on, always here if you need an NHS related rant or indeed anything else!

[@CGladly8]

It's unfortunate that gender is viewed so rigidly that post transition people see us much more differently than we actually are. There shouldn't be a need to mourn our past self, we only have one self...one evolving self. If my femaleness is what made someone feel close to me, that I could be trusted and confided in, that I could love and hug them as a woman but not as a man, then the issue is with them. My character is the same. Thanks, Finn. Another great video, food for thought.

[@noahchristopher8334]

I could not have said it better myself! Pretty much related with every word you said dude :) it's a process, but that day we can finally feel comfortable in our skin is coming :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much Jarrod. Id never go back to the old me either but it is uncomfortable loosing that stable sense of self, limbo land is very un-nerving! I know its not forever though. I think understanding these stages helps to remind us that the bad times will pass, and that we just have to express whatever stage we are in, in what ever way we can. So in the anger stage, name it, share it, punch some pillows, then you can move on from it :). All the best to you my friend :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi mate, yes indeed, it is so very hard to accept and sit comfortably in limbo land! Those books sound fantastic, and Im going to go and search for them now, thank you for that :)

[@pilze.7213]

Hey Finn, great video! I can honestly say that I am with you a 110% and have never been able to put a finger in these strange emotions we go through! And you're right, psychology and learning how the mind works can give us a sense of understanding that calms our fears down and helps us to cope with the process. Really enjoyed watching.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi Max, i do still struggle with this, its kinda ongoing really, unravelling all the layers on the way ya know? Addiction is hard work, especially alongside transition, well done for recognising it and taking charge. here if you ever need a chat. thanks for your comments and Im glad it helped :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

My friend I COMPLETELY relate to that, thats exactly what I mean! Its really unsettling isnt it. It will take time but new identities will be built, its just in the begining the damn things keep shifting!!! Thanks my friend :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks my friend! It is an old vid, but the grieving process is still ongoing. I think it deepens at times and it is for me right now. In fact Im going to do a catch up vid on this soon. Its important to grieve, so we can let go and be free to embrace the new. All part of the beautiful process! Congrats on 13 months on T!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I completely agree, gender sterotypes are so restrictive, Im the same person, but am treated so differently, and that takes some getting used too. Its not so much the past me Im mourning, as much as the stable sense of self. Evolving is exciting, but slightly scary....but I know Ill settle into the "new me" in time. This is one heck of an interesting journey! Thanks for your comments :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi my friend, it iS a crazy experience, its like wearing a cloaking device....I know Im male but this darn cloaking device is making me be read as female!! I too am hibernating, I have been since Jan when it all just got too much. Im venturing out as much as I can, but its hard work. Hoping starting T will give me a boost of new fighting energy. I havent read that checklist, but I will now, thank you!

[@TheSLOfox]

I really like this video. I've been experiencing some of these stages of grief/change, and I so appreciate how you explain it: going through the stages many times, over and over, as you have new changes. Right on. This is helpful.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

So glad to hear that bud! And yes, it's an ongoing journey of loss and gain and a long time in limbo. Since making this vid lve read a book called the way of transition, its not about gender transition but about change in general, specifically about the inbetween stage between old and new. Great book!

[@TheSLOfox]

FinnTheInfinncible Cool! Thanks for the recommendation. I'll look for that book.

[@pinkelephant4591]

Love your videos! I've been watching a few of your old ones. I have been going though a major life change recently and I'm quite depressed and anxious. This really put things into a new perspective.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

+Pink Elephant Life changes are hard, no matter what they contain, its a huge upheaval and understanding the process is really helpful I have found.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

And maybe those of us who are differently gendered, can begin to change this world and blow the sterotypes out of the water!!! Oh my one year on T vid, how i dream of that!!! Well, hopefully next week the start of that dream will be realised!! thank you so very much :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

No worries! I had a fair few years of denial too...its ok, we got there in the end! Thanks mate :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Ah its always good to hear other people relate...reassures me its not just my random head!! And yes, here's to that long awaited skin comfortable day :) Thanks for getting in touch mate :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Glad you relate, and its good to hear future stabilty does happen!! And my friend, I know EXACTLY what you mean, I try to explain it but people dont get it, Im the happiest Ive ever been, Im truly me, I see a bright future, its fantastic, but im also the lowest Ive been for a long time.......its very odd!!! glad Im not the only one who experiences this emotional opposition!

[@charliedoodles9516]

I’m five years late with this, but yeah I totally get what you mean. I had these thoughts also, and for a while it really messed with my head.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks my friend :)

[@jasontyler4072]

im a trans guy i understand this so much im goin thru the grieving process im in that stage im glad you get it i thought i was the only one facing this

[@whatgenderami]

just watched the entire video. and i relate so much. i'm going through this grief now, too.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

+whatgenderami Just watched your vlog too! Amazing shared experience! proves its not just us mate!!!

[@whatgenderami]

phew!! haha

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi James, good to hear from you fella. I can understand why you did that, it is all so much to deal with. Dont be alone though mate, drop me a message if you need a chat :)

[@jasontyler4072]

my body disphoria is huge part of my depression im better now but before id smash mirrors i couldnt stand to see what i looked like it was kinda disgust in a way for me bc i have female body but im not a female but i struggle to accept that i may never be what i am body is just ganna do its own thing its extremly hard to accept this but im doin it tryin to be a better me

[@DRockTransMan]

Hey Finn, How do you figure out how to explain all this stuff! I totally relate. I'm trying so hard here to figure out a new identity, but it's not easy. I feel like I had butch lesbian pegged, I was exceptional at it, but now after beginning transition I've gone from a tough, stronger than most female to a bit of a floundering, weaker than most, man. It's a work in progress to be sure and it's going to take a long time.

[@ShilohKeeling]

I still have tons of denial and internalized transphobia..i feel as if almost anyone can tell themselves their trans based on having a hard life but then again a cis girl wouldn't want a beard or a low voice..maybe it's because I'm trans that I think that people can tell themselves they're trans but not be. Like trans trenders. I still don't believe I'm trans but I know I am if that makes sense.

[@RockinUK]

Hi Finn, I've just seen this. I've finally got through my 24yrs of denial!!! and I'll have to have a think now which stage I'm in. Interesting thoughts... thanks.