Game of Thrones Abridged #81: Catelyn I, ACOK

[@Kriegerdammerung]

The Kingdom of the Hermit Crabs, about the monarchy of the crustaceans. Crustaceans are all monarchists, by the way, you might be aware. And this particular line of hermit crabs have been ruling over this great undersea valley, this fertile plain where the hermit crabs would frolic by day and nestle in their little shells by night. And the king of this hermit crab establishment, his name was Jemima, and he had this wondrous throne, this ancient throne that was carved by the claws of the finest hermit crab artisans in all the realm. And this was just shaped like this glorious... just swirling, fractal abstractions upon which the Hermit Crab King would plant his red buttocks and dole out justice upon his land. And despite the glory, and the beauty of this ancient throne the King Jemima was not satisfied with his throne. He felt that as a monarch over so ancient and storied a lineage he should have a far more grandiose... throne: One that would really just cup his buttocks in the most just regal way possible. Like, he just wanted his buttocks massaged and just held on like a plinth. Just in the best possible way. And so, the hermit crab was like "We've got to get a bigger throne, we've got to get something better, I want something gilded, I want something inlaid with jade; I want it to be rolled in gold; I want it to be ephemeral with emeralds; I want it to swirl with pearls; I want it to get groovy with rubies; I want it to... (fuck, I can't think of any more... what rhymes with amethysts?)"... Anyway, sort of like "let's get another throne" and so all the kingdom went out to design a new glorious throne for King Jemima, and they eventually came up with this truly gorgeous piece that was made of fused sand. They made this forges in the Hermit Kingdom, and melted this sand, and fused the sand together into the shape of a beautiful throne. And you would have no idea how hard it is to run a forge underwater. Real pain in the arse. And so the King got this glorious new throne and he was like "Great, this is great" but the next week he's like "You know what? this decadent beautiful throne, it's not good enough, I want another throne". And so, all the people of the kingdom went out and got an even more ridiculously, luxurious, grandiose throne. And this time it was made of winning lottery tickets. Just only winning lottery tickets, in like super lotto. And ain't nothing worth less than a hundred grand was in this pile of like origami throne, like all these tickets were folded and shaped masterfully into this just buttocks-cushioning throne. And it was great. And then he held on there, and so just it happened over and over that this King just beggared the realm by asking for more and more great thrones. And he eventually, his whole throne room became like, quite literally just a room for the storage of thrones: the King himself could barely fit in his throne room. He'd have to crawl over all these giant thrones in order to... and so eventually his advisor came up to the King Jemima. King Jemima's advisor came up and said "Yeah, he's satisfied with this throne" and the King said "You know what? yes, I am finally satisfied with my throne". That particular one was made of the frozen tears of the Lobster Queen, and he said "Look, this is a perfect throne and I'm totally happy with it" and the advisor was like "Well, you know what? hmmm... you've got nothing to do now, because the realm's gone. Like, in your ceaseless, unquenchable desire to get the perfect throne as the Hermit King, you've just systematically, just beggared and obliterated... and there's no one in the Kingdom now. You're now a king who rules over thrones", "You were so obsessed with kinging that all you can be king of is just a bunch of thrones" that's meta, isn't it? And then the King was like "well, at least I can rule over you, Jemima's advisor?" and then the advisor said "I was actually your Tyler Durden style the entire time" and then just reality ate itself out of existence. Amazing.

[@vforviblz]

damn son

[@postpunk6947]

This needs to be gilded and preserve on Library of Congress or something

[@deffientllynotjalenbutler1736]

Maybe one of the most efficient and to the point of ACOK Abridged

[@cursedcleric4320]

Thank you for putting me to slumber oh mighty Alt

[@hairlessoyster3689]

This is gold. I can’t wait to summarize the summary.

[@merrittanimation7721]

"Was there ever a war where only one side bled?" Apparently the fourth Dornish war, the War of the Hundred candles, was one without losing a single man on the Westerosi side. Because they had dragons and the Dornish fleet was lead by a literal moron.

[@Shadowwand]

How else started imagining a High School Comedy Spinoff where we start Season 1, but all the characters are In High School? We've got preps and Jock Lannisters, the Mountain is a Huge Football Star, Jeffrey is a freshman who got elected as the Student Body President. It gives me immediate vibes of those 80s and 90s cartoons, like James Bond Jr.

[@violetsapphire952]

For bonus sword points, "Greatswords" did also exist in history, popular around the end of the late Medieval period and the beginning of the Renaissance in the forms of swords such as the German Zweihander, Spanish Montante and Italian Spadone. They were RIDICULOUSLY great swords, often longer than their wielder, and while I know George uses "greatsword" to describe all longswords, I can never stop myself picturing Lord Eddard leaning casually on an Ice that's five feet of blade and two feet of handle like the absolute badass that he is.

[@Mewobiba]

Actually, Martin doesn't use greatsword to describe all longswords; weapons like Longclaw are described as longswords but not greatswords. Martin seems to use greatsword to refer to specifically really big swords usable only with two hands, so the equivalent of montante and similar swords. Longsword is largely synonymous with bastard sword; a sword with a long blade designed to be usable in one or two hands. Though of course, sword terminology is often a bit tricky since a lot of the contemporary naming was basically to call everything just 'sword', with modern categorization coming along much later.

[@deffientllynotjalenbutler1736]

Aegon probably melted the crown of the north into his big chair I reckon

[@HelciusCabral]

something not many people know is that there's a secret true iron throne, made of melted crowns

[@Terrantular]

7:47 The first line, is...

[@Seelenverheizer]

Rob invoking his de jure claim on the kingdom of the north and the riverlands

[@margaritaquiroga8712]

It's the night before the night before christmas!!!! Happy holidays!!!

[@calikal1968]

Why I didn’t get a notification?!! But still makes my day when I get one of these! Hi to all and as usual thanks Alt for keeping making these Abridged Narrations!! ❤️ Edit. Actually... I realize it is an an aborted live that went on a short while ago.... so nice to be able to hear it all!!

[@sassyb58]

I've missed the live streams bc of a hectic schedule so I'm sure, like a lot if others, we'll take Schwifty old and wrinkled or live or anyway we can!

[@hugoboss3689]

Yes, Thanks! Perfect timing

[@s.z8223]

yay! i missed the asoiaf summaries

[@HelciusCabral]

aw yasss, missed some ACOK Abridged

[@deffientllynotjalenbutler1736]

Tbf to cleos it would be pretty stupid not to be afraid in that situation

[@olasarcasm]

Can't wait for the next one

[@billychops1280]

Ik this was made in 2018 but I just wanted to say that I don’t think Brynden is gay, this seems to be a very popular way of thinking when talking about character that never had children like Daeron I Targaryen, but we get a sense that Brynden remembers Hosters wife fondly and even more so than Cat so perhaps he was just heartbroken.

[@prof.cecilycogsworth3204]

So good to hear some irreverence! I love this series

[@bae_ofpigz]

Is this new? I recall the tale of Jamima the King of Thrones.

[@bae_ofpigz]

Nvm

[@liviavalverde1599]

Why do you get back on a ACOK when I have a bus to catch, dammit?!

[@rachelcatrin]

What !!!! I can’t believe I missed

[@ClydeC]

Stannis is the rightful King!

[@gingerg85]

Gatehouse Ami will open up for Aegon

[@jackfromthejungle7538]

Its been 84 years ...

[@LordofBroccoli]

Is Alt Schwift X is any way related to Jerks Sans Frontieres? Their voices and speech are identical...

[@gemmagrennan]

They both have aussie accents, not identical.

[@shieraseastar9300]

I missed yet another livestream, boohoo! :'(

[@nikoslav]

Are you trying to sound like Jim the Boomerkour?

[@conormurphy4328]

Video starts at 7:35

[@nikolay4101-s7r]

I saw this live it didnt go great

[@jackfromthejungle7538]

The last tsar saw a multitude of bad events ...

[@SammieKatGplus]

Schwifty couple of my new vids are out: Sandor Clegane & Jaqen not Rhaegar. Check em out please!

[@tbunating1451]

So I missed this?

[@jehaert]

I am note quite sure what you were saying with the swords: afaik Ice is a ceremonial or executioner's sword bigger even or at least broader than a Zweihänder/Greatsword used in battle ( these could be over 5ft long in total and were designate two-handed swords and become commong during the rennaissance, but there are recorded instances ofn swords being as big as the wielder before that). This however is not realistic, executioner's swords were desginated for two handed use but not for battle and had a rounded off tip. So I that is were it gets tricky, but Ice is definately not a Longsword or used for battle. Great series, though, loving every minute.

[@tbunating1451]

Oh nvm I see myself in the comments haha this is old

[@jjisdead]

First