Gaming In the Quarantine Years

This one's less of a video essay and more of a kinda meandering raw nerve; an attempt to work through (or at least put words to) a phenomenon I've been wrestling with for a while now. It may also just be a pretentious scribble, but it's one I worked real hard on.

[@NomineBlack]

Not gonna lie, you were my distraction on the second monitor until about half way though the video. Then it got real. This is almost exactly how I've felt even since before the pandemic. I don't know what I'm gonna do with that yet... but you've given me something to think about for sure.

[@NomineBlack]

but yea i'm fine.

[@andrew8185]

I've got Three Kingdoms on the left and this video on the right. I essentially judge the games I play at this point by how much I'm able to play it on one monitor with youtube/a podcast on another. I've wanted to commit to playing a deep single player narrative game for YEARS now and I simply don't. I play the same set of strategy games with the same set of factions with the same playstyles because... well just because. I'm actually really happy this video came out because I'm 100% sure that this is a pretty damn pervasive feeling in general

[@TSBoncompte]

these two commenters have been me since way before covid, but it hasn't helped. i'm gonna call this errant syndrome

[@dafalk4468]

Exactly my experience with this video too.

[@zoushaomenohu]

@@andrew8185 I can't even work up the motivation to PLAY Three Kingdoms, or any of the other Total Wars for that matter. I feel like I have to learn how to play them all over again, and I feel like I don't even have the time or energy to do that when I'm not trapped at work or asleep.

[@Earths0n]

You're complaining about your lack of haircut but really this elevates you from a video game critic to a video game philosopher

[@ogto]

we need errant signal in a towel, greek style

[@danielclandestino496]

He's becoming Alan Moore

[@digitaljanus]

Have philosophy degree; can confirm.

[@Overcrox]

@@ogto The painting of those two greek philosophers walking and having a debate except it's Errant Signal and Noah Caldwell-Gervais

[@ogto]

@@Overcrox superbunny hop laughing in the corner while wearing a VR headset

[@cale0176]

"I'm not really playing games. I'm using these grinds to give me the sense of playing games." I didn't come here to be called out.

[@Spurcatul]

I did. I'm glad he said it. I needed to hear this emotion be put in words.

[@VashdaCrash]

@@Spurcatul Same, that kind of thing happens to me often.

[@tomsko863]

Slay the Spire has been my candy. I can beat it consistently, I get no pleasure from it anymore, but I want to keep on playing it.

[@daxterquiny]

+

[@tobiasbehnke939]

@@tomsko863 I do the same with the Hearthstone Solo Content. Its not very enjoyable anymore, but a good distraction.

[@InnuendoStudios]

Chris: my comforting distraction was Fortnite Me: my comforting distraction was Children of DOOM

[@ErrantSignal]

I'm workin' on the next one

[@TheTyper]

There's been a lot of video essayists goin' around each other's channels saying, in so many words, "I've really loved your stuff lately, keep your head up". It's nice to see, but it's rough knowing how necessary it is for you lot to encourage each other this way now more than ever.

[@RhizometricReality]

Post fortnite therapy is worth it, please, don't support fortnite in any way.

[@airjamy]

@@ErrantSignal Take it easy man, I think most people watching this could really feel your message here, no need to push too hard.

[@arc-sd8sk]

same but CO-VIDs

[@slimeprivilege]

"tv viewing with my wife has been replaced with tiktok" sounds like an absolute hellscape my guy

[@ldubview]

I feel that hard. I binged a few shows this quarantine switching streaming services every other month. But I don't feel much when watching their show anymore. Home entertainment doesn't do much anymore.

[@jobobrien1420]

I understand. I don't see this video as self-indulgent or cringy. I got a lot of value out of it.

[@daxterquiny]

+

[@Medytacjusz]

me too, even though I don't really relate, I think deeply personal but thoughtful content is precious, more than all the copy-pasted algorithm-friendly formats that dominate the internet these days. It is the everyday "cringe" that is the substance of our lives and not the photoshopped selfies. It's how we connect and learn and truly share.

[@aftermarkgaming]

Guilt about being depressed when you have it so much better than others is a major component of depression.

[@eideticex]

That's how I understand it, something akin to imposter syndrome.

[@clray123]

Guilt about everything is the state of mind induced by the society around you and the power system. It is supposed to make you "depressed" but really make you docile/passive and easy to manipulate, govern and sell to. It seems an entire generation is being brought up that way.

[@dexterdextrow7248]

Then it's also a thing to be overly sensitive, entitled and privileged. Being sad and bored is one thing and does not equates to depression. This person definitely doesn't seem depressed, and if so it's a incredibly mild depression at that. What he seems to be is bored and unmotivated.

[@tasteface]

@@dexterdextrow7248 why do you feel the need to police and question what other people say about how they feel?

[@dexterdextrow7248]

@@tasteface I don't, but I'm nevertheless allowed to say what I believe and "feel" as much as anyone else. Considering I was neither rude nor hostile I don't know why I shouldn't say what I like to, much in the way you can criticise my comment, as you did. Say, why did you feel compelled to do that? Was it because you disagreed with what I said perhaps? When it comes to severe mental illnesses I'm really not found of people self-diagnosing and normalizing incredibly debilitating conditions. That can be harmful to those who actually legitimately suffer from said condition. This goes for all illnesses. And on top of this it also won't be beneficial for the ones who does it, since it's often done as a excuse or attention seeking measure rather than a helpful tool to solve their problems.

[@zacharyheine4177]

I've found that taking a walk 1-2 times a day in the sunshine really helps. It's a small thing, but without the forced structure of jobs or social obligations maintaining your own daily structure is essential. It doesn't necessarily help with isolation but it makes a day feel like a day, not an indeterminate purgatory.

[@AileTheAlien]

+1 to this! Even jogging for a bit in a winter evening helps - the cold ass wind helps keep me mentally fresh! :)

[@Funkin_Disher]

Yeah, go for a little walk if you can, or spend a few minutes in the yard stretching or something. Ive found working from home at the same desk my games are at ruins my drive for both unless i can punctuate them by being away from it to think elsewhere

[@charksey]

walk the puppies as your daily commute

[@dennishartmann6838]

True :) He identified this issue and now needs to kicks his ass one step at a time to fulfil his needs to get out of this rut. I've also been there... I also wanted to suggest meditation. Pick up an app like Headspace to get started and watch it transform your life. You think you need more stimulation, but what you need is quietness for the underlying themes and messages to come to the surface so they can play themselves out. This time can be a blessing in disguise. All the best to everyone

[@ed32568]

100%. First thing I do in the morning is going out the door and walking while looking at the sunset. Having a set time for exercise also helps (and seeing your progress when you're consistent makes staying at home a little less sad as well)

[@sinecurve9999]

"It feels ridiculous to complain about." Feel all the feels man.

[@WeebRevolution]

The loss of tomato town weighs on us all

[@cannonfodder4376]

What became a chance to catch up on media and chores turned into a prolonged sense of isolation that saps many of energy. I never had much energy but despite having all the time in the world, I am no less productive than I was before. Your problems may not be as extreme as others but they are problems non-the less. It effects everything. I may be an extreme introvert myself but even I desire some form of other activity other than staying sedentary. The studies from this pandemic will be studied for years to come.

[@megamangos7408]

If my own depression throughout life has taught me anything, and to be blunt: Life is not a pissing contest. You can be aware of other peoples problems and know they have it worse than you, but that doesn't mean your own problems shouldn't be addressed because they are deemed lesser or inferior. Sure some problems need to be addressed first as they take priority, but that doesn't mean your problems should never be addressed or aren't as serious. If a house is on fire, the priority is to get people out first, absolutely. But afterwards, the house is still on fire and that definitely needs to be addressed. Also, like that repeated safety speech when you get on an airplane, "Put on your own oxygen mask first, then help other people." You're no good to anyone if you're unconscious. Because related to that, I get the idea of giving it your all and constantly pushing to do as much as you can. But, there's a balancing act to that as well. Because what you're describing is still a valid form of burnout, but less 'totally exhausted' and more 'mentally depleted depression.' Being forced into an "All Room" in general causes it's own problems. (Problems I'm also trying to deal with.) And even the most introverted of us who could spend hours in front of a screen for fun still need some social interaction, despite having to recharge/vent afterwards. If anything, this pandemic sheds light on just how important and powerful even the most minor and fleeting interactions truly are. Just briefly chatting with someone working at a fast food joint can give just enough push to get through the day. "You don't know what you got till it's gone," was one of the major quotes of 2020. Lastly, and this is my new favorite line: "If being hard on yourself worked, wouldn't it have worked by now?" Only do what you can, with what you have, and take it one day at a time. tl;dr Shit still sucks for everyone, remember to breathe, and take it one day at at time.

[@flyingsquid6062]

The road is long, and in the end, the race is with yourself

[@ts25679]

I feel like I've been living the life you describe for years, social/general anxiety + depression that has led to my world contracting to home and work and the abandonment of the social sphere, whilst anhedonia has stripped the joy for most everything else. The only times you feel happy are when you're escaping into a different world or life. And now thanks to the anxiety and asthma I'm struggling to meet my work obligations as well. You know you have to do something to make this end, but you can't seem to find the solution or the will to follow it through. So I completely understand where you're coming from.

[@Exarian]

What I've learned in 2020 is that most people live a life that's so incomprehensibly different from mine that my lifestyle is nearly unconscionable to them, and it has made me afraid of if I'll ever know anything else if I can't even imagine what it might be like. Like even deeper than a lack of knowledge or will, I feel like I just plain don't have the ability to imagine or dream of a better life.

[@sarsmask]

Gang gang.

[@Zaysaki]

@@Exarian too true..

[@GelidGanef]

You think your games are effortless grinds. Ive been playing Cookie Clicker for months now. It's about the only game I can really focus on. And by "focus" I mean "mostly ignore while also mostly ignoring a youtube video and mostly ignoring my cat". I really appreciate this vid. And all the comments. Quarantine depression is real, and knowing that "we really don't have it that bad" doesn't make the feeling just go away. But it definitely helps to be honest and know other people are feeling the same things. ❤ to everyone, be kind to yourself

[@caraelfo]

I learn to avoid idle games because they are super addictive to me.

[@korrochime2432]

The "work never ends" mentality thing is real. It is so so hard to differentiate my brain from what I Need to do and what I can do at this point, and the sensation of never actually having a break because everything is happening on the same devices and in the same space is something not a lot of people want to admit is an issue

[@Notmyday2009]

Sleeping is now just fast travel to work. etc

[@clray123]

lol cry me a river, been doing remote-only freelance work for the past 13 years (and by own choice)

[@justinhsu3253]

”Stanley sat at his desk and he pushed buttons on a keyboard.” "Stanley relished every moment that the orders came in, as though he had been made exactly for this job." "And Stanley was happy." I always enjoy your review about The Stanley Parable, and I think this might be a good time for you to play the game again.

[@hivekind9128]

6:18 "finding games that offer long easy effortless grinds" shows tony hawk pro skater rail grinding.

[@perpetualgrimace]

I caught that too 😂

[@marreco6347]

to be fair, playing old games you know back to back is basically the same. Whenever I just need a distraction I just speed run Resident Evil 4 again.

[@Omahdon]

Honestly, I feel like I've been here since even before the pandemic. It's... troubling to think about. So I guess I won't! Thanks, brain.

[@TheEvilCheesecake]

It's only a problem when it starts being a problem. If you can maintain your current position it's not important that you "could" be doing "better"

[@guy-sl3kr]

Same. I live in the suburbs. Everything is far away, everything costs money to do, and getting money robs me of all my energy so I spend my free time doing basically nothing. Always.

[@hangukhiphop]

@@guy-sl3kr oh man this hits so close to home... like literally home

[@fbritannia]

@@guy-sl3kr Is it sad sunday or what? I can relate to all this.

[@timothymclean]

If you'll allow me to get a bit political...that's capitalism at its most efficient. Extract productive labor from you until you're too exhausted to do anything but consume.

[@robertskitch]

As someone whose hairdresser is an electric trimmer that I keep under the bathroom sink I feel like I'm observing the pandemic hair phenomenon from another planet.

[@ErrantSignal]

The problem I have is that I hate having a buzzed head - did that when I was a kid, hated it. So I like kind of a Jim Halpert level of scruff - not "long" but long enough that it requires someone to actually cut it, not just some trimmers. But when you can't get someone to cut it, you either end up having to go full buzz (which I don't want to do) or you become a Geico Caveman, as I have.

[@Sey318]

I just so happened to take the opportunity to grow certain parts of my hair out that needed fixing. Glad I did.

[@TheyCallHimMuse]

I'm viewing it from another planet too, but a different one. I haven't had a haircut in 21 years.

[@BrainGeniusAcademy]

@@ErrantSignal you can use an electric razor with trim guards to split the difference. Maybe not the best looking cut you'll ever have, but a haircut all the same

[@stevenyukabacera160]

Male pattern baldness gang! ... now, my Quarantine Beard, that's a different story.

[@ThatStarkKid]

There’s a line in a song that really encapsulates this past year for me: “I’m fine, well I’m not fine, but not being fine has become background noise for me.”

[@vibe9944]

@starlight hey can u link the song?

[@christianschmidt2915]

I just listened to that song, and loved it, so I listened to some more songs, and now I love them too. So thank you, random internet person!

[@gsilver0]

So... everyone else's new normal is closer to how it has always been for me? I can't even think of a time when I had a place to go and energy to do so, or even if I did, anyone to do anything with.

[@XxDruidmancerxX]

I feel you...

[@toribiogubert7729]

I understand you, even feeling like the midlle path between your life style and the "normal" one. In one hand I like to have less contact with a lot of my friends, even liking them and their company, but I dont have to engage in some repetitive talks and stuff like that. In the other I would like to be able to have option to go to different places. But like errant I do have a pretty privileged social distancing. Even living near Porto Alegre in Brazil.

[@ThePurpleView]

Chris, you've articulated an enormous amount of the bubbling feeling over the last few months. Thank you for putting a video together that I can forward to people to explain where my headspace is at.

[@GolfJuliettWhiskey]

You're describing how I've felt for the last ten years. Dude, I think you might be depressed.

[@JimNapalm]

Yes ! What he is describing sounds eerily similar to my experience in the last 3/4 years. Just a slow, inescapable descent where the only things I see are my four walls and the only new memories I make are from video games. Every six months I speak to my dad and the only thing I can talk to him about is the same trip I took in 2015

[@Hero4Hire82]

Not to undermine your condition pal, of that of anyone else who has it, but I think that true depression is feeling like this under "normal" circumstances. Feeling like this after loosing a loved one, or a job, or a relation, or during a global pandemic is part of the human condition and natural reaction to the event. With this I don't want to say that it's not a mental health issue or that consulting a professional wouldn't help with it, i'm just saying that in this horrible times it's ok to feel so gloomy, and that many of us feel the same without being clinically depressed. And, btw, it's a tough battle to fight, you have all of my sympathy and respect.

[@OzkarGlez]

I felt that

[@DampeS8N]

@@Hero4Hire82 You're not wrong, but that doesn't mean the techniques of coping with depression won't help everyone with coping with _this_.

[@Exarian]

It's weird seeing the effect of my general lifestyle that I sorta just sunk to directly after I got free of the cult I was raised in is giving well-adjusted normal people so much trouble. Seeing how much this lifestyle hurts people who have known better just makes me wonder, what the hell is anything more than this like? What kind of life am I not only missing but failing to even comprehend? What I've learned in 2020 is that most people live a life that's so incomprehensibly different from mine that my lifestyle is nearly unconscionable to them, and it has made me afraid of if I'll ever know anything else if I can't even imagine what it might be like.

[@DonYagamoth]

I heard this somewhere: "Other people suffering more does not invalidate your struggles" I think this is very true. Feeling guilty for feeling bad, because you don't have it as bad as others is a vicious spiral

[@danfr]

Yes! Struggle/depression/mental health is not a competition of who's got it worst where someone else having it even worse than you means your problems don't matter. It's a threshold where EVERYONE who crosses it deserves to take care of themselves.

[@Nors2Ka]

"I have no right to complain" aaaand that's how you get depressed. Good job.

[@JBX07]

Complaining is good. I love complaining.

[@Nors2Ka]

@@JBX07 It's not actually complaining, it's putting forth that you indeed have a problem with your life. The "I have no right" saying is part of our innate low self esteem. In fact priveleged people have one of the hardest problems since there is a social pressure of "you can't have problems" and they don't have to fight for survival. In the pyramid of needs they reach the top: the psychological needs, fulfilling life, meaningfull social/art interactions. There is very little helpful material about this, no clear goals and in times of pandemic, it's stupid hard to fill these. In conclusion, check out healthygamer_gg (name is deceiving). Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

[@pickledparsleyparty]

I'm willing to bet that, within a few years, most of the world lashes back against social media. The '20s will probably be remembered as that decade of introspection and local focus in response to the '10s as the decade of extrospection and global focus. Social media is incenting us to focus on, care about and feel responsible for way too many things that our outside our spheres of influence. Depression has to be a common result of that.

[@Wraithfighter]

It's almost like ***that's one of the main points of the fucking video***. The point is that, logically speaking, he's playing the Quarantine on easy mode! His job is safe, his wife lost her job for only a bit, his favorite activities are things that he can still do easily, he hasn't lost anyone close to the virus, he should be grateful! But the wears and tears of the pandemic still weigh on everyone, himself included. I heard a lot of my self in his words here, it's... been a rough year, even when you're not losing loved ones and your employment situation is as good as can be. You have to get accustomed to that you're not necessarily sailing through it fine just because the worst of this year hasn't hit you directly.

[@Ikcatcher]

Jesus, I was playing Fortnite while listening to this and then it suddenly got real at the second half and I got depressed while playing and had to stop for a bit to think

[@vincentlance]

This is an insightful and relatable video, but damn 3:57 is somehow the most startled by something that wasn't a conventional jumpscare.

[@Avi2Nyan]

MOOD

[@drewpirrone-brusse563]

Jesus, the segment about abandoning what you were doing at some point and scooting 8' over to the other desk is literally what I did 15 minutes ago. I don't even have casters on my chair, so I have to pick up the one stool in this room and put it down at the other desk. And the slack notifications keep coming.

[@bmitchem457]

We're not working at home, we're sleeping at work.

[@drewpirrone-brusse563]

@@bmitchem457 Dude. Ouch.

[@arryks]

Than you for making this video this is exactly how Ive felt for a year straight. I'm glad to know I'm not apathetically suffering alone.

[@DrazGames]

As someone who works freelance from home and spends 80% of their time at the same PC, I feel this entire video down to my bones.

[@QuintessentialWalrus]

Same here. I also moved to a new state halfway through the pandemic, so I haven't socialized in-person with any human being besides my wife since August 2020. If it's any consolation -- to you and to Chris, if he reads this -- our staying home as much as possible has likely saved the lives of many people's loved ones, directly or indirectly. I wish there was a way to truly see and feel that statistic, though.

[@DrazGames]

@@QuintessentialWalrus A few months before the pandemic, I worked at Walmart but lost my job and decided to do freelance, so I very probably would've ended up exposed to and spreading it. Twists of fate, I suppose.

[@Roooobb]

Of all of the "video games in quarantine" videos, this is the one I actually feel. I have no grand list of things to go down, no video games that I will remember forever, no free time to nurse a hobby that I genuinely love. For me, it's has been work and then nothing. No friends. No relationship. No roommate. No family. Just work, and then loneliness. My quarantine has been as privileged as yours in its safety and relative ease but I feel like I haven't been a person in months. I miss being able to care.

[@TrabberShir]

Probably a significant majority of your audience feels this video. It is a crisis, but for most of us the intensity did not get turned up to 11, it got turned down to -1, and somehow that is really bad somehow, and if feels bad to feel it is bad because you also want to say Thank the Divine I am Not in the 10% who have a High Intensity Crisis.

[@TonaPollo]

As someone without depression but with occasional depressive episodes, this is a textbook example of what I was going thru before. I started getting better after seeking help from a mental health professional, you don’t have to wait until the pandemic is over to start feeling better.

[@casemiroazevedo]

As a Brazillian sitting in one of the most destroyed cities by the pandemic, listening to the "I'll get my shot when this video is done" part got me very happy for everyone getting the shots and very miserable for myself and my peers :( I'm so happy the world is very slowly coming over. But here... don't see all of this ending anytime soon.

[@axton9954]

As someone who has been working as a game developer for the past few years, especially in this year, I feel this more than you could possibly imagine. The mindless slog you feel when sitting in front of a computer all day with no proper outlets, no variety or spice to life, is simply soul draining in a way I often fail to fully express to other people. You've done a great job of expressing it here. I have no advice, but I can say that you are not alone in feeling this way. Here's hoping things can go back to normal soon. Good luck, and godspeed my friend.

[@CanelaAguila]

One thing that helped me a lot to combat this feeling was to get a weekly planner. I have plans like "pre-1963 movie night" or "trying to survive in Pathologic day" or "learning django weekend" and even if I don't do them, having plans and moving them when I don't feel up for them gives me something to look forward to and plan around.

[@essentials7190]

I'm watching this with a loop of the firelink shrine theme because it feels appropriate.

[@Critchovic]

Don't give up! Skeleton

[@computersocsci]

Souls games are the perfect representation of quarantine

[@essentials7190]

@@Critchovic be safe, friend. Don't you dare go hollow.

[@aaronmarko]

Suffering is not a competition. Don't feel bad about yours not "comparing" because things weren't "bad enough" for you. It has been an extraordinary and unusual time for all of us to deal with.

[@Draqua]

Can't believe Errant Signal did that to Tomato Town...

[@atortarr]

1. you definitely have depression. 2. watching you talk about most games being too intense to experience makes me realize I have been doing what you've been doing for years and years because I'm scared to "feel". yeah, I have major depression too. I was diagnosed last year, right when the pandemic started and toilet paper was a hard to find commodity. I started having super dark thoughts about how there's nothing to be happy about, and people being happy are clearly faking it. once the suicidal thoughts started, I finally figured out something was very wrong. I got medication and that helped a lot. I'm still pretty depressed but at least I can get out of bed and go to work and get things done now. its been a rough 12 months.

[@headphonic8]

Lmao diagnosing someone with depression over a KZbin video is absurd. People can have good and bad periods without being depressed ffs.

[@tealwolf150]

I feel like I just wanted a recording of my own 2020/2021 inner monologue, if I had a bingo card I would have filled the whole thing out. That’s a sub from me chief

[@LoganCrazyBoy]

Speaking as someone with ADHD, thing 1 in a monitor while playing mindless stuff on another (mainly picross for the last month or so) is my way of 'paying attention'. If I don't distract my hands, my mind will do the job. However, I only found this out (and by that I mean seek specialized help) during the pandemic, because before it wasn't that out of control. I definitely feel you on this, and it's terrible, but I found that pushing myself to play stuff has given me more and more outlets. Audiobooks, for instance, are life savers.

[@Huskehn]

the Slack knock brush notification sound evokes primal fear inside me

[@RainbowPowerRangerX]

Did you make a whole-ass unity scene of you room just for b-roll? Kudos, man, that’s commitment

[@fnkyron]

You threw yourself into low-effort cozy, comfy games and I feel like I had the opposite response, while everything felt it was spiraling, when i was hopping from bad-screen to good-screen, bad-chair to good-chair, I threw myself back into DMC series, it gave me something to learn, massive skill ceilings to try to hit. Something to study and check myself against until I had no more heights to hit, especially DMC5. This video is really good, it feels right. It feels.. how I feel.

[@GURKENGOTT]

"I KZbind too hard" idk why but this is way funnier to me than it should be

[@MrSpeakerCone]

"a ludic opiate I self medicate with" ... most eloquent thing I've heard in weeks

[@johnjuiceshipper4963]

That Fortnite song activates a fight or flight response for me.

[@danquinn5812]

I watch all the vids but your 'Blips" series has been an absolute delight especially throughout quarantine. Please take care of yourself and thanks for the content

[@alwaysfallingshort]

This is really interesting and identifiable for me because before the pandemic, for a solid 5 years, I was in this slump. I was born severely disabled, I'm now middle aged, didn't have a solid career, and was finding it hard to find work I could physically do. I used videogames to give me some sense of accomplishment? But mostly just stayed at home, not spending money, not wanting to talk to anyone because it's just more agonizing than being alone. Then the pandemic hit and my life has improved in almost every way. It was mortifying how casually people talked about not caring whether people like me got sick, and there was a weird stretch where it was like certain people went out of their way to touch me at the beginning. Besides the societal hostility towards disabled people tho, the ability to do jobs from home meant I suddenly found a really good job, and their standards for hiring were somewhat lower than normal, but I've shown to thrive at the position. I'm now making more money, and am enjoying playing videogames again, and I essentially owe it to the pandemic. I feel so guilty about this, and avoid talking about it with friends and family who've lost jobs or are just struggling to cope with a less active social life. I used to do stand up comedy, but even that was a lot more socializing than I really liked at bars--now I'm happy again and eager to get back to that, but still totally satisfied with the lack of human contact since it was my life for so long. I don't really have a point to this. I've always wanted to start a streaming channel since all I did was game, but it was just depressed gaming. Now I actually feel like I could record myself ,ironically when I have less time, and actually get something out of it. I'm sorry you and others are going through it, but if anything my experience shows that there's value in that place and if you can get through it, there's a way to be good again after.

[@ardenorcrush649]

It's a great thing you found a remote job. The thing is that the pandemic forced a lot of slow business to adopt more web friendly policies. A very profitable side-effect for the correct group of people. In my country we have an online seller (an Amazon ripoff) whose stock is basically carrying our gross national product.

[@cattysplat]

That's a great point about being able to think proactively and productively when you are not depressed, even if you have less time to physically do it. Gaming whilst depressed doesn't change the fact you are still depressed and likely using gaming as an outlet for distraction and escape rather than entertainment and experimentation.

[@pelgervampireduck]

the lockdown months last year were the best in my life in decades. I could sleep all I wanted, I didn't feel miserable, tired, or like a huge weight was crushing me. I felt good, the last time I felt good was in the 90s I think. the moment things went back to kinda normal and I had to go to work again, I started feeling tense and nervous all day, not sleeping well, feeling miserable, I hate life and people again... if I could just be in my room all day and not go out and not having to deal with people I would be happy. I hate the streets noise, I hate the bus, I hate coworkers talking all day, I hate extroverted people, I hate the phone ringing... just let me be in my room, in silence, and sleeeeeeeeeeeeep. I miss the lockdown.

[@leowest2203]

It's been said by others, but thank you for making this and putting it out there. Hard same.

[@schwabedaba]

This video essay summarized what I've been living through expertly. This is the year I decided to get into hidden item games after years avoiding them because "games journalism"... and thank you for bringing up Murder by Numbers which somehow managed to be legitimately great while also being what also being exactly what I needed this year.

[@hekonaleeinos5510]

2:48 - 3:48 I have also been relatively spared by the pandemic and i, too, am Fine(TM).

[@darrylparks4806]

You put it into words. That sense that while nothing personally calamitous has happened to me, but life still feels monotonous and empty and flat. Thank you for having the guts to share. I don't know if it helped you to say it, but it helped me to hear it.

[@enriquegarciacota3914]

Here's a thing about haircuts: hairdressers need to learn hundreds of cuts and techniques to account for most heads. If you chose to cut your own hair, you only need to learn to do one haircut, and the techniques associated to that. It is comparatively simple. It took me 2 or 3 tries to get it right, so I had a buzzcut for a month and a half. Guess what, no one noticed (we are in a Pandemic!)

[@papapiggie6697]

You have described my exact feelings for the past year. I knew something was wrong when I stopped enjoying games in the traditional sense and tried picking up a different hobby, only to bounce back because I’m so tired. Thank you.

[@ThinkingReality]

Almost two years. That... "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm _fine_!" It hurts. Every time. It hurts so goddamn much.

[@jangxx]

This "not being able to really play games anymore" speaks to me so much. I still have Cyberpunk and SW Squadrons barely started in my Steam library, but what do I do most evenings? Just lounge around in VRChat and hang out with other people because that just feels so much better than spending even more time clicking the same mouse or touching the same keyboard that I do all day anyway. Thank you for making this video, it somehow put into words what I've been thinking about for a few months now.

[@FlunderingChipper]

I really appreciated this! I have the same problem with simulation and turn-based strat games - like I bank hours in Roller Coaster Tycoon or the Sims 3 or Civ when I just can't face quiet time with my brain. Don't even ask me how much screen time goes to TikTok these days lol. I feel down on myself for not turning to media that challenges me right now. It's good to know other people are in the same boat. Also - I didn't think this was messy at all, AND I got a serotonin boost from singing along to the musical bits. thanks for taking a risk today

[@KajiCarson]

I will always love this channel for notifying me of 'The Space Between,' the best game I played last year. Much respect.

[@felixblacke]

Everyone has said this already but this resonates. It's just one perspective of a global event but I'm grateful someone has so succinctly encapsulated the emotional content of it because this is me.

[@khryelll]

The constant impression of boredom, of wasting time makes me think of when I was younger and evading in videogames. The way I found out of it was to take actions (and an opportunity for less restrictions might come soon as you said): getting into an association, working outside... I know strongly believe it's important for humans to have activities that have a direct impact on the world around us. Games and videos do not really provide that obviously, leaving us in a passive state that can lead to complete helplessness. Simply achieving something concrete, physical or with other people can prevent that. Anyways thanks, I love your channel and your deep and original insights on games!

[@RadiantSolarWeasel]

You absolutely *do* have a right to complain, fwiw. Isolation is literally a form of torture, so while others may be dealing with loss of loved ones etc, that doesn't invalidate the trauma you're experiencing.

[@MrTizzay]

This is an incredible, very honest essay I needed to hear right now. Also shout out to making your office in 3D to illustrate that space, that was extra powerful

[@MarquisdeL3]

I ran out to the gas station on my work from home lunch break (gotta drive the car once every two weeks so it doesn't die) and on my way back there was literally a moment where I thought about going past my turn and just driving forever. So, uh, I know the feeling.

[@hickknight]

Oh man. I've mostly had the same experience, outside of being forced to move back in with my mom, I think this is exactly what I felt but couldn't articulate. Seriously, days like these are a slog and nothing more. And I've had these before, but sheesh is it eating at me now that it's this long.

[@GothPanda]

Just because other people have things worse than you, does not invalidate your own issues. "Being stuck inside has made me depressed." And "Other people are losing everything they have right now, and that's horrible." can both be true simultaneously. Depression will tell you whatever it needs to in order to keep you in that state. Collectively, we're still grieving the year of our lives that we've lost, and that affects each of us differently. But, you're not alone. We're all there with you.

[@BagelDukes]

Admittedly these thoughts have been haunting me as well. The social pressure that I am seemingly not allowed to feel bad about other minor things compared to the big bad Corona. The Corona is still bad, but it feels terrible. It is as if I am not allowed to be depressed about -anything- else. And even feelings of joy are impacted by the sheer amount of "how bad I should always feel about the Corona". Thank you for this rant/video. It really helps that someone else is echoing this sentiment.

[@PabloYaos]

Yes, the "youtube + gaming" numbing thing I've been doing is a terrible waste of time, depressing, and saping energy, and I'm glad he made this video because there's a lot of us, even though we're not the worst victims of the pandemic we must face our own reality. If that can help anyone, recently I've been doing a post it every night with things I've got to do tomorrow. One of the hardest is just having breakfast, since it means I got to wake up early. Other things I note is things like whatever I would like me to do, but can't bring myself to do. Like drawing, piano, working on a project, cleaning my bike: even chores, I note everyhting. But not that much, most days there's like 4 things on the post-it note. I got to say the day after, when you got to cross out the things you had to do after doing them, even if it's not that much, it's really satisfying. Sometimes I just don't do it all, but whatever happen I put that fucking post it on my wall with the others. It's not a perfect solution but it helps a great deal as I've been more productive. I've got to say, even if it's a little bit sad to think it like that, my main motivation is to think that if I don't get to do this stuff, I'll get to regret it later when I think about that free time I had and did nothing with.

[@vesuviusmount9120]

That's a good idea, I'll try it too.

[@jakubmarkiewicz1769]

Thank you for vocalizing something I felt for the past few months and couldn't pinpoint. I feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one feeling that way.

[@alexeagleston5618]

This is going to hit home to A LOT of people. I think we’re all hitting a wall of fatigue after a year. @_@ Also we kinda need to see before and after pics when you do finally get a trim.

[@jjjjames]

Wow, I can't believe you perfectly summed up the exact problem I've also been experiencing with video games in quarantine. Hats off to you guy

[@ブタでよろしく]

Though this video does not reflect my experience with games, it made me reflect on the very common stubbornness you can meet online about people unable to be adventurous about games. It explains a lot of the "i'm too tired to engage" or "it demands too much of the player", and now it doesn't sound so confusing anymore. It just sounds depressing.

[@Tajarnia]

You put into words many of the feelings I've experienced over the past year. Thanks for this very worthwhile video.

[@lieike]

This video resonates with me more than I care to admit. Thank you for bringing to words the feelings of this isolation and pandemic better than I ever could.

[@apoisonedgift4966]

I don't really have the words to express how this video made me feel... But I hope things start to turn around for yourself, and everyone (myself included). This was way more relatable than I want to admit and... very confronting.

[@gameking501]

I know it’s not even been a year yet, but I come back to this video sporadically because it remains constantly relevant to my own life. Your relationship with games and work strongly echoes my own, and I greatly appreciate you sharing your story so honestly. It’s been a tough ten months, and this video habitually helps me contextualize my own experience.

[@b-roaskie7233]

I wanna boost that algorithm by commenting, but also I wanna say that this video really spoke to me about some feelings I've had but haven't been able to express. Thank you for that

[@Don__]

This is how I've been feeling for months. Thank you for making this video.

[@cynical8330]

I don't even play video games anymore, I just listen to music and watch KZbin videos

[@M_Sebu]

Watching a video: i should really be productive Being productive: i'd rather be gaming rn Gaming: this is exhausting, I think ill just watch a video... watching a video: I should do something productive..... Start over again

[@cattysplat]

@@M_Sebu Work: I'd rather be doing anything else Gaming: I am not good enough, this is tiring. Netflix: Can't decide. Too much effort. KZbin: Where will the recommended rabbit hole take me today...

[@M_Sebu]

@@cattysplat yup and here we are

[@TheOneTrueAnthemis]

Man, DS9 has been my second monitor comfort food as well.

[@jeanbk94]

Hey, that wasn't cringe. You voiced out what you wanted to say. That's freaking great. I'm happy you put together what I've been feeling as well. I couldn't take the 2 meter walk from work station to game station in my home so I quit. Now I must try to make my freelance life work in order to sustain. It is stressful, I am playing a lot of Apex or Hunt to just to not think. It's somewhat comforting to know we are all in this together. So thanks for the video.

[@chunksss]

Late to this, but this resonated extremely heavily with my experience of the last 18 months. The replacement of traditional video media with tik tok especially.

[@willhart2188]

I bought Valve Index to keep me moving and not get too depressed. It helps me keep my room clean so I have space to play, and it helps me escape and gives occasionally things to look forward to. I recognize the same feeling of seeking games for the way they make time vanish. Clicker/incremental games have been my poison before, and RPGs before that.

[@willhart2188]

I recommend you getting a headset too if you have the room, the money and the PC. Your hair might get in the way of the headset though lol.

[@jangxx]

I also feel like my VR headset and being able to go to virtual clubs on the weekends in VRChat has kept me sane all throughout this pandemic. At least there is something to look forward to at the end of the week, which really helped and helps me to stay motivated. If you're the type of person who liked going to clubs or other music events in the Before Time(TM), I would really recommend it. It doesn't come close to the real thing obviously, but it scratches the same itch and you can also meet some nice people there.

[@nijbu]

I felt this, 6 months of living in a room working from home not enjoying the free time I have. Coupled with my girlfriend leaving me and having depression before it it was real rough. I ended up being suicidal, quiting my job and moving back with my parents. Still haven't really recovered. Just playing games as a time skip to get to bed quicker. Being trying to just focus on getting my energy levels up. Healthy eating, water, walks have all helped a little but idk. Keep on trucking, love your content.

[@saraolt]

I want you to know, with the series of “I’m fine. I’m... fine. I’m fine.”’s I just wanted to offer you a hug haha I understand completely, and I hope things get better soon. If they don’t, or you just want help, don’t forget that therapy exists :) it’s helped me a lot in this pandemic - and like you I haven’t lost nearly as much as others have

[@SnowDouble]

This video really made me think about why I've been playing Borderlands 2, a game I already beat 5 years ago, for hours every day while I have to drag myself into playing FF7, an RPG I've been wanting to play for years but never had free time too. Its so easy to just run through sidequests while listening to a podcast, but to get into the headspace of "FInally, i can play a game" like I used to be in whenever I had days off of work is so much harder now. Im thankful my experiences with "All This" have been pretty safe considering I got it pretty early but the joy I once looked forward too with video games is replaced buy just wanting to hold the controller again and not being scared of somthing new that might make me put it down. Super frightening thinking about it as the video went on but when I am in that headspace to play FF7 again I can definetly try and rememebr why I like it so much so I'll wanna keep playing it intead of just looking for excuses to stop and say "Yeah thats enough. I'll do anything else now and maybe I'll play again next week."

[@degei]

I'm sitting in the same place. Topped with a side of pandemic caused unemployment. The depression is real. Hope things get better for all of us.

[@Opcode_]

Everyone I know in the real world has been treating the pandemic or experiencing the pandemic differently from me. I really appreciate your video in showing that it’s not just me, there are others who are in the exact same situation and feeling the exact same way that I am. And who are still holding out in the no haircut geico caveman gang

[@oberstmerkel7919]

Haha. Your covid life sounds like my pre-covid life. Haha. ha

[@ganymedeix9511]

I've been in a very similar place since the last few months of 2020. I realised I was just mainlining Warhammer TW 2 and firing podcasts into my skull but not really engaging with either. I'm not in the "sleep at 4AM, wake up at midday" rut anymore, but it's good to hear someone else voicing these thoughts. I don't think this kind of thing is unique to the past year either, so massive props for making this video.

[@fnkyron]

It got so introspective, I legitimately got into my own head and feelings. And then the fucking tomatotown song started and I laughed aloud on my zoom meeting. Thanks.

[@tvsonicserbia5140]

Thanks so much for this video! It really resonated with me. While I haven't gone for skinnerbox games and such personally, in fact really hard action games are one of the few things that still make me feel alive, and I've grown to love them even more than before, but the part about emotional investment for movies and rpgs too in my exp(usually my favorite genre) is so relatable. Also it's worth nothing for a lot of people it's not just the isolation but also being constantly surrounded by bad news, even if you haven't been affected personally, it's obvious how it can take a toll on anyone's mental health, and there really is no way to avoid it, the pandemic is everywhere...but it can be mitigated, for me staying off twitter was a big one.

[@colinmiller513]

I don't know if you're still reading comments a week out, but thank you for every second of this video. My brother and I live across the country from each other, and have been engaging in disposable Skinner-Box media much the same way for the pandemic. I shared your video with him, and you gave words to the struggles we've felt but have been unable to describe. I will also say that this video was the catalyst for me putting down my grind of choice to start playi9ng Disco Elysium in the past week. Thank you again.

[@MaxPainAlchmst]

Thank you so much for this video, for the first time in my life I haven't been able to play video games for six months straight and I thought I was alone and I didn't know why.

[@brycea5452]

I hate this culture of "well other people have it worse so I can't complain and if I do I have to preface it with an hour of 'recognizing my privilege' ". Like bro its ok to be sad burnt out and depressed stop letting society make you feel like it's not

[@Auriorium]

Agree, especially for someone like me who got diagnosed depression last year after years of having problems. Its a self destructive culture that people like now apparently.

[@siddharthkrishna8463]

I started playing games this year. And I find this sense of finding progress in gaming very relatable. But the difference was I still found a way to engage with games. Even though it was harder to do the same with TV or music or even work

[@tinyprince]

It definitely sounds like you have a mild depression or worse. Please, seek help if you can. It'll only get worse without it.

[@dwaynem624]

I spend 3 months playing 3 mindless, grindy video games and couldn't understand why. Thank you for articulating a lot of our frustrations about life and guilt right now.