Gary Thomas Tells Us How to Deal with Toxic People

Gary Thomas tells us how to deal with toxic people.
Bestselling author, Gary Thomas, says it took him years to figure out that some people are just plain toxic. They don't respond to love, to correction or to direction. Gary shares how to walk away from toxic people at work, in your family and in life, and why the traditional Christian response of "just love them more" isn't really that Christian.
Welcome to The Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast, a podcast all about leadership, change, and personal growth. My goal is to help you lead like never before in your church or in your business.
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[@beverlypasco262]

This is definitely something to ponder. I loved the part where a lady said she prayed for her coworkers. I can so relate to her because on my 1 hour and 15 min drive to work I would pray for all of my “difficult” coworkers, every day. This was before I retired. 😊Jesus showed me small miracles, and answered prayers that blew my socks off. Some people are just more broken than others and we may not know how to help them, but Jesus does. Toxic people are broken people who need a generous dose of Jesus. There’s dangerous people who I can’t have in my inner circle, and then there’s toxic, the souls who need help seeing themselves. They need somebody to say to them bluntly “I won’t gossip”, or “I don’t agree with you so let’s just agree to disagree.”. It takes courage to be honest and they may not like that you don’t want to gossip, oh well! I’ll be 70 in two weeks been around the block a few times. Prayer, prayer, and more prayer. I hope this helps somebody.💝 Pray for difficult people, stay away from evil, pray to know the difference. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@michellesimons5634]

I appreciate what Gary was saying to leaders to not tolerate toxic people because it will come back on them. I've met a number of narcissists in my career in Christian ministry. Every time people knew the truth and were just too passive or failed to see the truth and were too naïve. Both groups think of themselves as having a Christian response much to the targets demise. It's expensive to get rid of a narcissist but its more expensive to keep one.

[@clairebearie87]

Thank you men for having the heart of Jesus in this. Needed to find encouragement that Jesus sees the heartache.

[@communityconnections2948]

Wonderful insights on how to deal with Toxic situations. Thanks for explaining what who why and How to avoid these deathly suffocating and pain filled moments that steal our Joy, Peace and Hope. The LORD delivers those who Trust in him he wants us to live in Abundant Life.

[@philipbenjamin4720]

This advice will powerfully change my life. When we have doubts about ourselves we tend to blame ourselves whenever there is distance between ourselves and others - "it's probably my fault". Whilst a fundamental part of addressing our self-doubt is for us to repent it's also useful to realise that the normal Christian life will involve not winning every person - and our needing to "walk away" from people who have no intention to honour God or do good. Walking away should be thought of as two things combined - the first is to confront a person committed to wrongdoing - and if we are a leader of a church that will often include showing a person the door - literally telling someone they are no longer welcome - whether or not we show people the door we must give up seeking to win that person. Judas' disloyalty to Jesus shouldn't be used to prove that we should let people who are undermining us or our communities continue to remain in relationship with us. Judas' disloyalty to Jesus was as far as we know private - he was hiding it in his heart. It wasn't known as far as we can tell to the disciples - only to Jesus. He is like a terrorist sleeper cell.

[@sweetpeaqueen1788]

For me the hardest thing for me was the most toxic person I was with for decades and no one believed me as they only showed their true self to me. But thank you to the drs. God . And all the awesome 😎 hospice workers. Mostly I said nothing to the toxic ppl but if I could I’d say this to the ones who know who they are. “ S H A M E “ on you!!

[@jimmykamraconn7373]

Thank you both for taking the time to address this issue. I really appreciate both your ability to speak the truth from a place of humility. I learned a lot from this video. I will be reading this book. Thank you.

[@Crucian1]

Thanks for the wisdom, chaps.

[@lmr1300]

This is so good!!! Thank you!

[@lindawarner7496]

Very impressed with this podcast

[@sweetpeaqueen1788]

A big fat YES, to the urging the church to support women who are in abusive marriages. I had a AG pastor tell me to GO B A C K TO him and I did. And of course. What another mistake.

[@SHARKER92]

Thanks for this video. It's really helpful for me and my family. Which is the John Townsend's interview that you mentioned? I'm interested in listening to it. Thanks!

[@polynesia8733]

If someone is giving genuine constructive critique, you should NOT take offense. When Disciple Thomas said in John, I won't believe unless I see it with my own eyes and feel with my finger and hands Jesus showed disciples Thomas' eyes and hands that He is the real deal. So go before God and ask like David did when his enemies scolded him "Are they right, Lord? Or is it me?" But if they have a personal beef ( and they are a true believer ) then you need to go to them and make it right Matt 5:23-24. I had hard time forgiving people who wronged me and told God i know YOU said forgive but I think you as judge need to give me some justice. You know better than I what they did. I only know what I see with my eyes. He gave me justice, then I was able to forgive. He is a just God. Praise God!

[@saltandsoundrecordings]

yes, it is real

[@louisduplessis2075]

Great talk but using the word "murder"so freely in the beginning wss confusing...at least to me...

[@aprboone1]

" we've changed hunting animals.." to ...arguing politics..

[@LALady1]

What about loving enemies and doing good to those that hate you?

[@myyoutubeaccount12111]

I think the point is that we can still do that without constantly engaging them in fights and enabling their toxicity. I lost my mind and my relationship with God got significantly affected because of trying to restore a toxic person. I tried setting healthy boundaries but she would feel bad and I would remove the boundaries only to be manipulated and drained again and again and set up boundaries only to remove them again when she felt bad. I did not listen to people who told me to just cut her off. I thought it was unloving and unChristlike. But right now, I am the one in need of therapy. The one who is so much worse of mentally and emotionally. I have been unproductive in ministry because of all the time spent on this one person and their endless problems. I have become the jerk because now I don't want anything to do with them yet we work together. I should have stuck to the boundaries when I set them. Yesterday our mutual mentor/counselor called me and told me I need to grow a back bone and walk away from this friendship no matter how much it hurts the other person. Our mentor said she will continue to try and help the toxic girl but I need to walk away. Funny thing is, I have a pretty strong type A personality and yet this gentle, quiet person is terrorising me and just has me in her pocket.

[@michaelpond813]

Yu can love them from afar. Thank. God.

[@clairebearie87]

The hard part of realising when something that's meant to be sacred and holy is used as ammunition to destroy the character and life of the other person.

[@marienguessan8520]

What if the toxic person is the one who is the authority?

[@KJ-lb4tj]

Leave if you can or at the very least give nothing and be absolutely non emotional. Say nothing, but do what you are going to do, do the right thing in action, no need for words or arguments

[@marienguessan8520]

@@KJ-lb4tj I limit my interaction with them, and my husband understood how much stress being around them caused me, so I am now at peace. Thanks

[@KJ-lb4tj]

Right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy?. You were right to be wary, but it is fair to hear someone in your context and make your own mind up, be empowered yourself to make your own decision not based entirely off past events, then say, I won't meet again. Bit unfair not to hear the person in a different situation and really listen and understand that the relationship you have with this person is not the relationship they have with someone else. The relationship is the third thing in the room after you and the other person. Otherwise, you are giving power to the past invading the present. You are then very ligitimised in your own decision with your own relationship with a person.

[@belovedjewels]

What if the toxic person is your husband?

[@leonaperdue8784]

Read Leslie Vernick Destructive Relationships

[@KJ-lb4tj]

57.20 is where this is talked about

[@KJ-lb4tj]

He says Jesus is claiming a new allegiance. I don't think he ever claimed you should have allegiance to anyone but God. Allegiance means loyalty to ..we are to be loyal to God, but not fully loyal to any person as people will always make mistakes that we should not follow or go along with... Like Jesus did.

[@ChamaigneMontana]

Good stuff. But...I'm not sure about the wisdom of saying that sometimes adult children of Godly parents purposely withhold their presence to punish their parents for not accepting some bad decisions they're making. Take a scenario where the facts are that the Christian parents disapprove of the choices of non-Christian kids. It may very well be true that the kids make a mistake to call the parents "toxic" rather than simply having different beliefs. It would be the same mistake for the parents to decide that the kids are "punishing me" rather than simply feeling too much emotional pain about being disapproved of by their parents, to come to Thanksgiving dinner. It's that classic "fundamental attribution error" where we assume negative intent. Just because something hurts me doesn't mean that someone is doing it with the motivation to hurt me. Just because something hurts me doesn't mean that they shouldn't be doing it.

[@myyoutubeaccount12111]

You're both right on this

[@davidguevara5651]

O

[@polynesia8733]

also Gary references eneagram...it is demonic and should be given no credence.

[@theinkbrain]

Had to turn this off when Gary began repeatedly interrupting.