Gaslighting, Why Narcissists Do It and What You Need to Know to Protect Yourself

[@lisaaromano1]

Narcissists don't want you to believe in yourself, which is why you should. Take the codependency quiz here to start your healing journey www.lisaaromano.com

[@matikramer9648]

I will Thank you, Lisa very much And I did subscribed for you channel

[@brian-d-berentsen]

I am glad someone understands....

[@TomDooley-jo8sp]

Sounds like what me and my ex wife are doing to my gf

[@sarafox4375]

Gaslighting is my worst experience on the planet so far. I am getting so much better at catching the abuser now and quickly end the conversation. It helps but I still struggle with it. Writing it down is a necessity. If someone breaks your boundary you must have proof since you've been abused you won't recognize it and it will haunt you again and again. It is pure torture.

[@brian-d-berentsen]

they are training by their 'handlers'. they are actually robots.

[@PaigeSquared]

Take the time to memorize DARVO forwards & backwards. Use your own messages and conversations as material to compare against the formula as homework. I had it on note cards around the house until it was memorized. I get a knife in the gut feeling; can be one word, or multiple sentences. Knowing helps SO MUCH. I don't stop them but I shut my mouth and walk away asap. Ooh they do not like that I no longer do what they want me to do, after a DARVO. That's the accountability swap.

[@coldred9639]

Never stop being the angel that you are. You are a Special Blessing and Greatly appreciated Lisa. Thank you

[@miuthub7954]

The confusion and self doubt is the worst!

[@teresagreene5202]

I had a 10 year TEXTBOOK GASLIGHTING relationship with my college sweetheart (27 years later) EVERYTHING YOU DESCRIBED IN THIS VIDEO!!!! The sweetest blessing that released me was his passing in 2020 due to Covid!!! I never shed a tear over his death because I felt free of his mental abuse!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR CLEAR EXPLANATIONS AND EXAMPLES YOU TEACH IN YOUR VIDEOS!!!❤

[@margaretcordova3268]

Wow! I am sure I will feel the same way when my husband passes! My mom told me she was so happy after my step father died. She said she was glad he was dead. They had an extremely toxic relationship!

[@teresagreene5202]

@@margaretcordova3268 When you FINALLY REALIZE that there is NOTHING TO SALVAGE from your TOXIC, ABUSIVE relationship, you can LET THAT RELATIONSHIP GO WITH SUCH PEACE IN YOUR HEART!!! It was never meant to be your job to FIX him!!!! No need to waste your life waiting on him to pass to enjoy your life! LIFE IS A VERB!!!! GO LIVE IT!!!❤️

[@JJ_FLA]

Congratulations 🎉

[@sarawhite3297]

My father is a gaslighter so the men I became involved with were exactly the same. I’m so grateful for you and opening my eyes to codependency and childhood wounds 💕❤️

[@beckymichel1845]

This is sooooo true. I’m guilty of sharing my feelings only to have them used against me in the flames of ultimate gas lighting. It seems unbelievable in the moment. I’ve used this very scenario that has happened repeatedly to strengthen me to leave. Behavior like this is very harmful in a relationship. Remember you’re NOT in a relationship with a normal person if this is happening to you. It is crazy making and very soul sucking… get out. Get away. Never look back. That’s my plan anyway.

[@matikramer9648]

... and mind sucking too...

[@Juke582]

It’s the WORST kind of abuse! I am very mean reactive to it now but without apology! I am going OFF on them calling them out immediately! Beware - any kind of sales or money hungry business will gaslight you too! Medical people! Insurance companies! Car salesmen! It’s everywhere! You are constantly fending them off! My fight mode is always ON! Now I just hate people! Geez 🙄

[@matikramer9648]

Unfortunately though I had the same feeling. I have to step to totally different environment to meet other people, just to meet other kind of people to get normal reactions and normal responses. Totally different chess board. I hope you will understand my meaning.

[@Juke582]

@@matikramer9648 well, I am in a retirement community for rest of my life but I get what you’re saying, but nowhere can you go to get away from gaslighters as they are thick in businesses too other than the friends we keep. It makes me hate people overall at my age (62) understandably. I have been through a lot of abuse by many. Family too!

[@matikramer9648]

@@Juke582 I see. I'm too, and 64.. It ain't easy, and triggers are all around us. And I'm not enough qualified for it. Sorry for not being able to help you much.

[@freebird5469]

My mom was a master manipulator, gas lighter. One phrase she used to love to use was " I didn't mean it like THAT" when I would call her out on her deliberate belittling and controlling comments that were said in a very angry tone. She would then try to backtrack with more gaslighting and manipulation to try to appear sweet and loving. What a thick manipulation fog it was dealing with her! So glad I ended all contact with her 5 years before she died at 71 from cancer. One of her flying monkeys(who is also a narcissist) tried to guilt-trip me into going to see her during her last days. Nope! My response to her was "we have no unfinished business" (well except for her to come clean about all her lies, but she still would not admit to those even on her deathbed no doubt) . "I have said everything there is to say to her" That was 14 years ago. Never once for a second have I regretted my choice.

[@patriciamacnichol5061]

Lisa, Thank you; simply, thank you. You found your purpose, and it has clearly been anointed by our Lord. You're saving lives, and even more importantly, in my opinion, helping to awaken souls, thus also saving souls. God bless you and everyone in this bittersweet community.

[@Consiouschoices]

Proverbs 12:22 Awaking souls yes. The truth sets all of us free.

[@margaretcordova3268]

Wow! I been through this. I saw things and my husband said I never saw anything! Omg! I come from a family like this…my mom was like this. Just wish I had some place to go to. I know this man is psycho. It’s not that you do not have the courage to leave it’s just that rents are so high! I am 73…I avoid him period! I use to write things down but not anymore. I think because I do not care period. I love your videos Lisa. I am just waiting for one of us to drop dead! lol This man is creepy! SOB! Lisa how in the hell did we get with such psychopaths? Lol My brother saw him in a bar years back with some woman! But did not say anything until years later…he told my mother. Then when my mother decided to spill the beans she thought it was funny that he had done this! So much abuse…

[@suzyparr632]

Thank you This is life saving information spoken with compassion.

[@percubit10]

I have felt that way for a long time.

[@melissaroshan]

Namaste soul sister. Here healing and am grateful for you. ❤

[@thebiscuitrose]

Thank you. I know I need a lot of help. I know and we live in a fallen world. 😢 And I know I will not receive these evils.

[@Tania-rg7jp]

Yep 6:12. 10:12. You are so gifted to do this work. Thank you!

[@eiffeltower1266]

You've been there, thanks for putting into words so faithfully and truthfully. And, beautifully, boy you're smart and good with words and transmitting. Beautifully informative with Love

[@abbebepayne6015]

My baby mother used to insist that I was angry with her in the middle of a conversation. When I even asked why would I be angry in a mundane convo? Her answer was she doesn't know. I was like, "I don't know either cause I am not nor do I have a reason to be." This was just her way of distracting from addressing the actual conversation. It happened so often that it eventually became a trigger that would actually get me angry. Used to confuse the hell out of me.

[@cathie1234]

I’m separated and living in a new house he talked me into buying. He’s moved to a mobile home in the next town. Now Ive got to sell this house in today’s economy. Anyways yes he’s said it’s my problem because he doesn’t live here!! It’s absolutely crazy.

[@teresagreene5202]

Whose name is on the title of the home? Yours? His? Both? Purchased while married? Can you afford to live there independently of him? Since he claims it’s “your problem”, YOU HAVE FREE REIN TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO WITH THE HOUSE WITHOUT CONSULTING HIM!!!

[@cathie1234]

@@teresagreene5202 thanks for info. Knowing there’s support somewhere does help!! God Bless 👋

[@teresagreene5202]

You’re welcome!! It’s been 2 1/2 years since my gaslighter’s passing… I’VE LEARN ALOT FROM LISA SINCE THEN!! Like she says in this video, “when you’re IN the relationship, YOU CAN’T SEE THE ABUSE”… when you’re not EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED (INFECTED) by the abuse, YOU CAN SEE IT …. CLEARLY!!!! That’s where I am now!!!! I can spot the brow beatings others are enduring right away!!! The healing brings you SO MUCH POWER!!!!!!!!

[@cathie1234]

@@teresagreene5202 💪❤️

[@iloveFreedom.]

❤🎉 Thankyou. I'm so much more peaceful now i can see this kinda thang instead of taking it all on as my bad . Wow life is opening up❤

[@TheShadyGarden333]

Thanks Lisa, How to keep calm when dealing with a gas lighter would be helpful content for my journey. Thanks for educating me the last couple of years.

[@iloveFreedom.]

Ooh yes please . I kinda veer from raw rage to insane hilarity ...perhaps I could miss put the rage bit 😂🎉

[@cyndigooch1162]

​@@iloveFreedom. I can attest to the raw rage being normal and a self-protective mechanism, so it's okay, as long as people don't go to extremes! I've also kept tissue companies in business due to the rivers of tears I've shed. ❤

[@malizee2264]

The past few months I've been realizing all these ppl and organizations that have lied to me and i just don't know what to believe anymore... Thank you, Lisa! 🙏❤

[@coach_amy]

Thank you for this video. Can anyone help me come up with a narrative that my heart, mind, spirit and body can believe? I am no contact but I'm still grieving because of the confusion. This person called me the love of their life, would have stayed with me for my whole life, would have bought me anything and brought me anywhere, did lots of practical tasks to help me, welcomed unlimited affection and time together, was "nice." The structure of our lifestyle was everything I could ever want. I was very attracted to this very sensual and sensitive person (so rare for me to find someone I'm super attracted to). YET. This person was a maladaptive daydreamer, sneaky, secretive, compartmentalized, and a liar. I always felt I was being cheated on and couldn't trust this person. I didn't ask for much and didn't want to do much out in the world with this person because of it. It was like being in love with my enemy. I can't sort this out in my own head. I need to have a short narrative to say to myself but I can't think of any that I actually believe. "Just get over them. They are bad news." isn't cutting it for me. I need to feel like I'm not the bad guy, and that I didn't completely screw up by investing and sharing all of myself with a con artist. I also need to validate myself for having deeply loved such a person and to believe it was okay believing in this person's potential and believing the really good things about the relationship and believing the love bombing. I also want to believe that this person really did love me but yet I need to believe my intuition which says I was duped. I do believe I related to this person's trauma and could have helped them heal; but I finally saw this person has no intention of looking at their trauma and doesn't want to heal, because of maladaptive daydreaming and absorbing pleasure from anyone and anything (crumbs, I call it). I wanted to believe I was highly valuable to this person, as the love bombing seemed to show, so much so that crumbs wouldn't do it for them anymore (but that never happened and it sucks). I don't want to believe this person is a jerk, yet if I don't believe that, then I feel crazy for not staying and not being satisfied and for reacting. Does anyone have advice for me?

[@marren6323]

I have found validating my feelings and current experience followed by an affirming step forward works well for me when it comes to mantras/self-affirmations. The narratives are based on my recovery stage and whatever my greatest need is at the time. Some typical needs of mine were/are understanding, compassion, strength, clarity, support, persistence, patience etc. There was definitely a lot of grieving involved. Examples: "Of course I feel confused. Anyone would. I am now taking steps to become clearer." "I miss feeling loved. I am a loving person and value love. I am learning to love myself more and place my love and energy on mutually loving relationships. "I give myself the time and space to heal. I have what it takes to get through this." "I am grieving my losses and I have the support I need to get through this." "I am angry. What happened to me was wrong. I am learning to be more cautious and listen to my intuition sooner." " I can be vulnerable and strong at the same time." "I let go and go on in a powerful adult way. Onward and upward." "I am healing and growing. I am building my inner resources." You get the gist. Hopefully there was something in there that could help. I'm sure you know what method works best for you.

[@coach_amy]

@@marren6323 Thanks so much for your replay. I agree about having good affirmations. But I don't even know what to validate. I need to have a narrative about what the relationship was. For example, how I let go of my NPD/sociopath mother was because I was able to accept this narrative all the way to my core (after decades of blind loyalty): "She doesn't know how to love or value me. She doesn't want to. She's not someone I want to put energy into anymore. I accept that I don't have a mother." It's harder to do this with my ex covert NPD because, unlike my mother, this person did many things that I interpreted as loving--including wanting me around all the time. It's hard to understand the bad side of this same person (I spent a lot of time trying to change the bad side--ugh). What's worse, I'm the only one who really knows this person to the extent that I was able to--as such, everyone else (well, besides my adult kids), assumes this person is innocent, harmless, easy-going and nice. Super stealthy person... It was like being in love with a hologram. So bizarre. But how can I love someone this much who isn't even real? It's hard to give up that we weren't a match when I haven't had anyone else come this close in my entire life. I'm incredibly lonely without a deep connection; acquaintance type relationships don't do it for me.

[@HFTLH]

@@coach_amy I was in a relationship once where the chemistry felt insane, I thought I was deeply in love, and he said so many things that made me believe he felt the same way. But at the same time, something always felt off, I couldn't do anything right, conversations were crazy-making and confusing, I found out afterward that he was probably cheating on me the whole time, and he discarded me in a pretty cruel manner. I was stuck in grief and denial for a really long time. It was really hard because I was so convinced that he felt the same way about me that I felt about him, and I felt devastated at losing the IDEA of the relationship. The reality of what was happening wasn't that great, it was more the IDEA of it in my head, built up by the love bombing and the good moments. I don't think anyone can tell you what narrative you're going to be able to believe with your whole heart, mind, and spirit. The only way you can arrive at that is by trusting your intuition. Most of us end up in these relationships because we ignored red flags and didn't listen to our intuition. It sounds like you already know the relationship was not good for you. You said, "This person was a maladaptive daydreamer, sneaky, secretive, compartmentalized, and a liar. I always felt I was being cheated on and couldn't trust this person. I didn't ask for much and didn't want to do much out in the world with this person because of it. It was like being in love with my enemy," and "It was like being in love with a hologram...I'm incredibly lonely without a deep connection; acquaintance type relationships don't do it for me." That is your intuition telling you everything you need to know. You are grieving the IDEA or the hologram, what you thought the relationship could be, but it wasn't. As far as not wanting to label him as a jerk and the bad guy, and also not wanting to feel like you're the bad guy, I relate to that as well from the relationship with my parents. All I can tell you is what helped me. I had to realize that I was carrying a burden of guilt and shame that it wasn't my job to carry. It doesn't have to be about anyone being the good or the bad guy. Lisa refers to it as being "beneath the veil of consciousness" or something like that. And we can't force another human being to rise to a new level of consciousness. I know it's hard when you can't make other people understand what's happening, and no one is validating your experience. At the end of the day, all you can do is take responsibility for yourself. I'm sorry you had to go through this!

[@lilrodz]

I went through a similar experience. What helped give yourself time, space, and be kind with yourself. Stay absolutely 💯 no contact, block everywhere including his friends and family. I made a friend in a support group, and we spoke throughout that time so that we would be successful at no contact at the beginning stages. It took me years. Keep educating yourself and focus on yourself, your growth and your life goals. 💪💜

[@coach_amy]

​@@lilrodz I agree about absolutely no contact. It's no longer tempting to me anymore because I've surrendered to the fact that this person doesn't get it, doesn't want to get it, and will not change. I finally see I was casting pearls before swine; I don't want to do that anymore--it always backfires anyway. No longer is it tempting to try to project my sorrow onto my ex for "relief" of some of the pain, and get back in that cycle. Thankfully. One of my adult kids wrote this narrative for me based on what I shared: “Ex doesn't know how to appreciate me or see me as something other than another warm body in Ex’s presence despite Ex offering some superficial benefits. Ex is not willing to change or see reality. Ex had dealt with similar trauma, but handles it in inappropriate ways which made us conflicting people in a toxic relationship. This isn't someone who is worth my energy or who I will allow to continue to drain me. I accept that Ex isn't someone who I need in my life.” This is helpful. I still have some work to do with this because I don’t see the benefits as superficial. That’s where I’m stuck. I had someone who I was attracted to and desired to be close to. I had a companion and someone who helped me out quite a bit and who always wanted me around and always wanted my affection and was always welcoming of me in their home. These areas aren’t superficial to me. But the bad stuff was really bad for me. I was in emotional turmoil.

[@summerbee9748]

Anytime you feel the need to start recording conversations, writing things down to prove they are reality it’s time to GO. For your own sanity. Don’t buy into the delusions.

[@shelleybain705]

Thank you 🙏

[@marymajerus84409]

This is so clear and concise, well said, Lisa Romano. I’ve dealt with husband and other people who have gaslighted me and I learned how to separate, observe, write down and record conversations to find my stability. I’m a changed person and you’ve helped, God helped me as did some wonderful friends to heal and understand being secure, no. Longer needing validation outside myself has changed all of my interactions with others. Thank you!

[@joeyinthecraftroom]

Thank you.

[@espiritu_]

When the narc tried to gaslight me, I revealed that’s not what they said on a phone recording I had. (One party consent state). Once I wouldn’t let them try to rewrite history and pointed out the inconsistencies in their story, They raged and said they didn’t need that “abuse from me”, and their “tolerance for my sick antics were over”. Talk about projection! Protect yourselves out there! Keep a diary, keep the receipts and keep praying. 🕊️🤍

[@matikramer9648]

I think I should rewatch this video again. Just to let information to sink in deeper. Because I was thinking about it a bit lately. And a few days ago I was gaslit again and a bit. Since this person isn't related to me not in the smallest way, just my neighbour. And I have trouble inforcing my boundaries with him. I rewatch clip later. So my first comment is this : It not just usual humpty-dumpty, it a punching bag humpty-dumpty. Lad or lass for beating. But punching bag don't have feelings and conscious mind , we have. And in wee age, or grown-up age, we still remember. Body remembers , mind remembers. Long memory remembers though we grown up now have forgotten for a while. Conscious punching bag sounds extremely bad, actually it is terrifying and unhumane totally. And I had at the beginning the question, even before start of the clip. Your video helped me to specify my question - is it possible that besides narcissistic people, psychopaths and sociopaths might be other personalities and just usual people use gaslighting tactics? That they might deny of doing something or saying something to save themselves from embarrassment or guilt of wrong doing. I really would like to know the answer to my question, please.

[@CammieHupp-f9s]

Thank you Lisa! I started writing things down

[@miltonwaddams2564]

Just wanted to say I love your content so much! I’ve been a fan for years and you have helped me so much and now finally I’m in a healthy relationship and I’m so happy. We both listen now and both of us together are healing from all of the dysfunction, we have both experienced in our lives. We hope that you are doing great and we thank you for all of your content! ❤

[@LindaStokes-ff2kv]

Thank you for this I can so relate to this right now..

[@Belong2god7]

My supervisors are gaslighting me at my job making it seem like I’m being unprofessional. For example last week, I walked to my coworkers ( a guy) desk and said excuse me. I grabbed his snacks and said these look good and sat them back down. My supervisor said you have to make sure you be professional 😑 I didn’t even do anything. The guy said he didn’t want me to get fired when I started the job because I stand up for what’s right. He told me before he got to know me more he was talking about me to my supervisor bc they are buddies outside of work. He said he thought I was a fake Christian, made satanic jokes for a hour. I just reported my dept last week. I really don’t like working at my new job at all.

[@rebeccamilligan8659]

They are very punitive They are full of it What a great way to validate these folks who need to be seen and heard. Please member if your watching this video you are never at fault best to not have a reaction and be very distracted with your own thoughts. When people treat you a way it’s only cause that is how they feel about themself. Remember your loved and they are just plane crazy. Not you I started lieing to my past punitive dirt bag, I don’t want to do that but when needed to people who are like that to keep my boundaries it’s necessary and now they are out of my life.

[@rebeccamilligan8659]

More like white lies I told to hold my ground, keep my boundaries.

[@rebeccamilligan8659]

I told my g friend to do the same so she could visit old friends for a day up north, why can’t her husband watch the kids for. A few days or even a day tell him you’re at a work meeting. You watch them 24/7 all weekend long with out a break he can handle it one day! It worked she got to see friends and read a book.🎉

[@aldelgado9343]

Yeah, these monsters aré all around us, dont give them and inch theyll take a yard out of your soul.

[@erictruelove-so1de]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

[@thebiscuitrose]

2:34 😂 it's true and I did see a woman at a bar and immediately chose to kind my business. But she saw me and knew I dine at her establishment. And not anymore. This woman would not allow me to leave her restaurant there after and accused me of talking to a man. 😂 It was her. She was the one and talking to a man. 😂 I do not receive their odd reality.

[@Serioussamurai300]

Don't apologize to these DBs. My Mum was a 9 alarm flame thrower . I Leave for good if you burn me.

[@DaisyAruba]

Narc mom in house w narc dad didn’t even know both are narcs 100% I said “I am not starting trouble I speak the truth” but of course it all changes when both emotionally immature divorced parents are in the same room with me the scapegoat

[@pauline9580]

My partner,made this random lie up in front if my step-daughter,i then confronted him about it,and he flat out denied he said it,i was gobsmacked so i repeated again that,what you said hurt my feelings and why did you say it again just made out i didnt hear what he said because he never said what i imagined......jeez!!!!!!

[@GoodnightM]

Omg this is soooo true

[@Consiouschoices]

Besides writing it Down I Can recommand watching for Dupers Delight. That is when you know that they enjoy the conning. A sign of someone who is not sorry for causing others pain. I Think some gets a thrill out of deceiving others (a Dopamine hit)

[@wastingtimeonyoutube.]

Hi Lisa. I feel sick..can gaslighting cause severe fatigue, rapid weight gain and high cortisol levels? I can't tell if im just sick or if my marriage (all the stress and mind games) is making me sick.

[@DKilgallen]

Just divorced my narc after 23 years of hell. Had to live with him during the divorce. Still under the same roof until I get my money. With all of the abuse that I have endured and even worse once I filed I am seriously considering filing a tort for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress. He didn’t stop. It just got worse. And my divorce attorney didn’t care.

[@PaulHAMCO]

If someone comes into your house, its a crime. Thanks Lisa. Pigs...😅

[@stevewalker4638]

Wife’s mother is the worse person I ever met…..

[@tabithabillings1526]

😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@Frankiepatron-p6z]

I learned to play underdog gudung my true self

[@Frankiepatron-p6z]

I got gaslighting I was so upset I didn't know what to do so I jumped NY truck Larer. I told the person to take care if there own problems. The sane person that jumped into a pool ans couldn't swim if u would have ignored him FIS bless

[@PA-tu1jg]

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😞

[@GoodnightM]

💯💯💯💯💯

[@maxwell-cole]

Salsa / Clubbing and dating apps is what she didn’t.

[@Mara_143]

💎💎💎