Why It Feels Nearly Impossible to Leave a Narcissist

[@thefindinglovepodcast]

Narcissists have this uncanny ability to make us question ourselves, and the confusion makes it incredibly difficult to leave. I really appreciate the practical advice on how to avoid falling into those emotional traps. It's a great reminder that our feelings are valid and we deserve healthier relationships. Thanks for sharing these strategies to help us reclaim our power!

[@metalassassin8841]

It's honestly like a really bad sci fi movie... The gasliting, the manipulations, the brainwashing...the trauma bonding...Feels unreal...

[@jrwheeler81]

OMG, this was this spot on. My late husband was a textbook narcissist. We were together for a total of 22 years and I had been with him since I was only 18 years old until he passed away in 2022. He would NEVER EVER take any responsibility or accountability for his actions and you couldn't even pay him to apologize when he was wrong. No matter how deeply he hurt me (and he KNEW how much hurt me), not once did I ever get a single apology or any promise to change. He would always shift the blame onto me. He was insanely emotionally/verbally abusive and even treated my parents horribly. He would gaslight me incessantly. Everybody else thought he was one of the most amazing guys ever, and only I knew the real him. That's what made it so difficult when he passed away. Everybody kept flooding me with all of these amazing stories about him and kept saying what a great, helpful, caring, and genuine guy he was, etc., etc. All I could think to myself was, "Wow, if only I had gotten that version of him." Being an empath, it was literally impossible for me to leave him. I just couldn't do it, so I stayed despite the fact that I was beyond miserable. It was such a downright toxic situation and it took me A LOT of time to start to heal after he passed away. Thankfully, for the past 21 months, I have been in a significantly healthier relationship.

[@jbthao]

My ex treated me and my parents so badly, I was able to take the abuse but the behavior towards my parents who were the nicest of people angered me all the time. They were so glad when I finally put my foot down after 14 years and then she left. It has still been a difficult road to recovery for me though.

[@realestatecoach8626]

Yep. Understood! I am so happy for you girl.

[@jayjo77144]

Understood everything you said They never apologize for their behavior

[@AggieArko]

I get exactly what you are saying.

[@angelaspeirs595]

I am so glad you finally found happiness. My last relationship was a covert malignant narcassist. The reason I ended up in this relationship was because my partner I loved died 7 months before he came along and he took advantage of my grief. The narcassist was a long term friend (known him since I was 13 on and off thru my life) but never knew about narcassists. I have bad memories that were suppressed of my narc from when I was young but didn't realise until we split and he was so horrible to me the last 5 months that it triggered these memories. Because I was grieveing when he came along I thought the connection was a love connection.....it wasn't it was a trauma bond. These people are nasty evil horrid people and I will never be fooled by them again

[@user-tl9ct5yq5u]

As a man I find your channel to be a fresh breath of air in this over saturated market with bad advice. Both men and women are struggling right now.

[@barbara6840]

I'm looking all of these people, narcissists, avoidants, emotionally unavailable, etc all in the same category. Undatable! We are out numbered by these people and some of us have been so damaged by them, we've become savage. Now we are stuck doing all the healing work, watching videos like yours that don't make a dent in helping these people. I prefer holding these people accountable and frankly shaming them for their bad behavior. I'm sure if there are public consequences on the lane we will see more positive change than so much videos on how to deal with their negative behavior.

[@AntoanetaStancu]

I totally agree with you.. Nevertheless, the videos or This video is also very useful for acknowlegding what has been going on.. what or who is the narcissist.. sorry for the "what" but.. at a certain point.. I dont really see them human :( They're almost unhuman

[@warriorqueen9792]

I am changed by my experience. I lost my light. My dark side became more prominent. I am cranky and hard to know. I'm paranoid and lack trust. I wish for healing for all of us. 🙏

[@jameshumphries5059]

I think women are the blame. You literally have hundreds of men that would date you yet women seem to all blow off the nice guy and date the narcissist.

[@dande_lion]

"shaming them for their bad behavior" With doing that you yourself are choosing the dark side.

[@MG-pj2oo]

​@@jameshumphries5059lol ... if 'case in point' was a person.

[@LiveAGoodLife-Athena]

This is unbelievably true. Confusion was the essence of my existence with my ex. A year after breaking up and having the strength to walk away, I remain completely confused. I wonder when it will go, when the pain will stop. I logically know I’m better without him, but a part of me still holds on and ruminates over everything that happened and all the contradictions, strange incidents and Jekyll & Hyde personality of my ex. I wish I’d never met him, but the experience has made me stronger in some ways.

[@carolyn3950]

Ditto sister ❤

[@carolyn3950]

Hang on to your reality daily. Sometimes minute to minute is required 🙏

[@helenmathisen3499]

​@@carolyn3950 💯🙏

[@MrColdNoodles]

It took several years for me, and I'm still working on it. 2019 and on. Keep learning. One day it will be like taking off the blindfold and your eyes will finally go into focus again. You weren't the problem. You are worthy of love.

[@LiveAGoodLife-Athena]

@@MrColdNoodles oh jeez, I’m sorry it’s taking a long time and you’re still reckoning with it all. I guess (at least for me) it taps into the deepest self-doubt and oldest trauma - I feel like it all came up to the surface for me to FINALLY get to grips with it. I’m working hard in therapy but sometimes I just have absolutely no hope that I’ll ever enter into a healthy, safe, reciprocal relationship with real and lasting connection, commitment, vulnerability and goodness. I’ve consciously avoided going into another relationship to sort myself out instead of getting into another chaotic situation. It’s good to be able to choose to be alone instead of escaping into another situation but it can feel very lonely sometimes. I hope one day it’ll all make sense. I just wish I could get real closure and have a completely honest conversation with him and for him to admit that he was using me to try to escape his own inner demons. But that will never happen. Just need to trust my own judgement and try to congratulate myself for getting out of a toxic, hopeless situation which would only have deteriorated further. Sorry for long reply. As I said, I’m confused 😂 I wish you the very best in your own healing and I hope things will make much more sense for you too very soon

[@anastasiapateraki]

I left two genuine narcissist men 10 years apart from each other. In both cases my physical and mental health got compromised and still sadly do to a degree, and my confidence, self-esteem and dignity took such a battening that it took years to rebuild it, but I did it. I never looked back not one day, I didn't miss them not one second (for real), the sense of freedom was sublime. I keep on working with myself on understanding why I went there twice and I genuinely hope it will never happen again. Trust Matthew, trust your therapist, trust your friends and family that tell you all the same thing and go, you won't regret it. Peace and love to all ❤

[@Claymoreinurface]

Me too. I was married off at 16 by my parent to the first. And it really impacted me. I didn’t miss him. I was married to my late husband for 17-1/2 years and it was mostly good. He wasn’t a narcissist. But I married a second one a year ago and I only stayed 1 year and only months since the first abusive incident. I couldn’t stand it and knew my worth. Got my ducks in a row fast and left. So much work. But my heart hurts.

[@Brightestlightt]

Trust God first ❤

[@kerryharvey6365]

You had me at Star Wars. That was a really helpful description about how frequently they let the dark side win. I also think of it as how frequently you might end up being the target of their dark side since people like that tend to select specific people to target. I recently quit a job with a boss like that. It was like working for Jekyll and Hyde. I never knew which one I was going to get.

[@helenmathisen3499]

Me Too! ✌️🙌🙏

[@Jojoma449]

I could never put this to words myself and when he broke it down like that it made total sense . It was the empathy in me that made him seem like a deep down wounded child that I wanted to save

[@OlgaBondarenko-ob7fh]

Matt, this is an incredible video! Literally stopped it to leave a comment! You are delivering golden truth to so many people! Thank you!

[@helenmathisen3499]

Me Too, I Had To Stop The Video, Not To Make A Comment Right Away, But TO THINK Before I Decided What To Do, And I Believe I Made The Right Choice, And Also Watched The Video And Decided To Move Forward!☺️👍👌🙌🙏

[@My3sonshines-b7e]

Wow. Spot on. I’ve watched a lot of content on narcissism, but you have just explained in a way that no one use could, about my being paralyzed by confusion. Just started no contact again, and I aim to make it our final no contact period. He is dangerous. Thank you for this video.

[@AnneW-h6y]

I commend you for tackling this dark, complex topic. How do I feel about myself when dating this person? Confused? Unloved? Unsafe? Some do just enough occasional damage to erode your spontaneity and confidence, the rest of the time they’re great! So why not let it go? Because they did not hold themselves fully accountable for their lives and (t)errors. And to honest neither was I. If they apologised, I ended up feeling in part responsible for how they behaved. And that’s BS. I am 100% responsible for my crap, and they theirs. Period. Sometimes I felt triggered in little ways. Seemingly unintentionally. It’s all a power game to keep you under them. Watch how they respond when you share this pain with them. Watch their actions, not their words. Always. Note their lack of accountability. Learn what it is to means to say: “I am truly sorry”. Watch how it chews them when you feel happy, safe and confident about something they might have had no part in creating. Almost unnatural. When you take a step back, almost comical! And sad. But it had nothing to do with me, and that became my healing point. I was about me, and they were about them. In the end it’s about shifting my focus on how I felt about me, being in that relationship. I used to be so concerned about the other person was feeling. Now I focus on me first. Goes for when you’re in a malignant narcissist relationship too. I was no angel. I thrashed around like a neglected, wounded and cornered animal. I became the villain. I learned to take responsibility and be accountable for that, but never for his crap. Sometimes the arguments got so wickedly convoluted rather than just trying make genuine amends. If you have any positive regard for yourself and your future, do yourself a favour. Take a deep breath and ship the f*ck out!

[@mirjamhansen2626]

So well said!!!

[@susannemacmullin7817]

Thank you for helping me to finally get clarity. The last five years have been a nightmare and I have been spiraling down. I used to be a well grounded woman with a lot of humor which would help me get through my work days in an occupation that demands a lot from me. I couldn't understand how I ended up in a place where I got more and more depressed to the point where I even considered suicide. Five years ago I met a person who became both a friend and a mentor. In the beginning he gave me a lot of compliments and encouragement. He was my rock and I saw him as my best friend. I opened up about my life but he used that information to hurt me when I was the most vulnerable. My life turned in to a chaos, and it has taken a year of therapy to try to get back on track. It was just when I saw this clip from Matthew when I realized that my friend and mentor is a narcissist. I listened and let it all sink in. Then I blocked him, and thanks to Matthew, I am now free . I know this is a long story, but I wanted to tell it if it can help somebody else. Sorry for bad English, it is not my native language.

[@christianaeckert2976]

Your story resonates with me. I hear you, I see you, and I am grateful to you for sharing your story. I am in the same position, and it feels so validating to know that I'm not alone in my struggle/journey.

[@susannemacmullin7817]

​@@christianaeckert2976We seem to be in the same boat. Thank you for your kind words. We'll get through it!❤

[@jaker2731]

One of the best videos out on this topic especially addressing the tendency to question your own character in order to try quantify the other person's behaviour, the biggest mistake you can make being a person who has empathy is to assume everyone has empathy for others lol

[@RonMarek]

These videos have been very helpful. I recently ended a relationship that was the shortest of my life -- roughly 3-4 months. I've had a number of long relationships, and most ended with a gradual fade out. This last one has been traumatic: gaslighting, blame shifting, entering my home unannounced, love bombing, threatening a breakup multiple times, among other things. Bullied me into feeling like I was a bad person for taking antidepressants. Angry at me at random times about trivial things, such as not responding to texts enough while at work. Nothing I did ever seemed to matter. After multiple appointments with a therapist, after feeling at one of the lowest points of my life due to the unpredictability and cycle of abuse. I thought I wanted someone in my life, but I'm ok with whatever happens now. I'm starting to feel better. It's taking a lot of work.

[@jooreuable]

He strung me along in a 7 year situationship and treated me like shit. More than 2 years later Im still recovering from it, trying to navigate dating and trying to show up differently for myself and to others so i find a healthy loving relationship.

[@TheAdventuresOfCollegeGiRL]

❤️‍🩹

[@metalassassin8841]

wtf even is a "situationship"?

[@awakenwithalison]

@@metalassassin8841when you are in a committed relationship with someone who pretends to feel the same but doesn’t really care or treat you like you treat them

[@mirjamhansen2626]

Very very usefull video!!! You explain so good the complexity of this situation. I was married for 22 years to a (what I Think, but he’s never been diagnosed) covert narcissist. And I finally left him in 2020, when our 3 kids were “old enough” to understand… But I had never imagined how difficult it would be -just after but also now 4 years later - to handle the situation with my kids (now 18, 21 and 23 years old). They hold a distance to me and pleases/feels sorry for their father, because he arts like the victim in all this. One example is: he still wears the weddingring on his finger, and says he is never going to find another women (+ he’s a very conservative christian) and though we had a legal divorce in 2022 he shows our children and everybody else that he dosn’t acknowledge the divorce (he has also said explicit to me, that I should see the ring on his finger as a sign that I am always welcome back…! At the same time he has never acknowledged that he could have done anything SO BAD that would make me take the desicion to leave…”why can’t you just forgive anymore…” he also said… And this man has apperantly such a strong hold on our children. I think that this is very much about the confusion you talk about! And I very Well know it took myself 22 years ++ , living with him, to come to the point where I saw no other way to survive mentally than leaving him… I had no worth and felt the same way as a mother to my kids

[@karthikeyansiva3588]

You have hit the nail on the head. I have been searching for this answer watching countless videos on how did I overlook these red flags. Realized it is because of their origin narrative on what difficulties/ trauma they went through had made me overlook. Blindly trust me and cut them once you start to hear about those sad stories and your savior mentality is triggered. It might sound counterintuitive to read because it is against our values since we grew up but it will make sense in the long run and thank me

[@MathMagician93]

From the other side: it also makes sense for them. If they did not devolve to narcissism already, it's the necessary feedback to re-evaluate the current-day behaviour.

[@light5634]

One of the best descriptions I've heard for what had happened to me in both relationships and friendships ❤ As usual, you're so warm and well-versed and emotionally descriptive 🎉

[@sujatasadanand2375]

Darkness in us and light in them keeps us hooked 'is a very powerful and profound statement One of the best podcast since it simplifies and clarifies the reason for continous compassion, empathy and kindness even at the cost of misery and suffering.

[@katrinaburkhardt14]

This video really has answered why I feel stuck where I am in my relationship and why I feel so trapped in my marriage and probably why I felt that I had to marry him. Your advice has really made me open my eyes and helps me cope with what I have been going through and am going through. I just wish I could afford your program and Matthew AI but being a stay-at-home mom and having to live barely on any money at times makes it hard. Thank you for these videos!

[@Karisbarlowe]

Thank you to you and Dr Ramani your both so special to this world 🌎 ❤

[@alicelee5045]

I had to watch this video twice because it is complex. But I think Matthew is saying that we have to trust our real-time experience of the narcissist instead of the multiple stories we play in our heads. That is a real mind shift. Thank you, Matthew for all you do for us trying to navigate relationships. We are hardwired for connections and we want them to be healthy and safe.

[@Julia-jv6rg]

That’s so true… I felt empathy regardless of how much he hurt me. I left (for good), it was so hard, but the empathy is still there

[@Everydayagift62]

I’m the same I left after 35 years of marriage and even after 5 years still have empathy and couldn’t figure out why

[@Claire-gv7pi]

My ex was like this to T! He was manipulative and emotionally and physically abusive. I became depressed ended up on medication, believed i had a personality disorder, my morals and values changed to how they saw things and i couldn’t hold down a job. I had 7 jobs in 5 years. The last straw was that he threatened to hurt my children if i got a job working in a bar for extra income. Now i am out and have been for several months and i am off my medication, have a new job i love and have finally started to become myself again.

[@gayatri6858]

No one has ever explained with so much clarity the way you have done here! I am a child of a narcissistic parent and it always confused me with their good side. But today god knows after how many years of my life being wasted , today I understand why it’s important for calling them out for their bad behaviour. Thank you so much for this video. We need people like you to save us from these narcs.

[@Lindsay23W]

This is literally the best description I've ever heard before. I knew the confusion is what kept me attached but the way you broke it down was incredible. So happy to be out of all that confusion. Thanks for sharing.

[@rebeccahowie623]

Thank heavens this turned up on my feed. I'm literally trying to extricate myself from a whole network of narcissists at the moment. This has been a God send. Thank you so much Matthew, now I know the path forward! 🙏

[@helenmathisen3499]

YES Thank Heavens For That! 🙏

[@sanimal.social]

This is brilliant! Another fantastic perspective shift for me - this really does help me to make peace with situation. It makes so much sense to think about the net positive or net negative, rather than trying to see if the person fits into the box of being 100% awful. And also the part about their good side being shown - if that is there and it does turn up from time to time - that also is the piece of the puzzle to feel that leaving a narcissist is the right thing - because that absolutely proves that not only do they know how to create a good time and good atmosphere, but they are also making a choice of whether to let the negative / bad side out more than they do the positive / good side. This was extremely helpful - thank you!

[@curryisgood6103]

The stars wars example is really great! Will keep that in mind. I dated one for 5,5 years and it mentally hurt me a lot. It’s been a while and I learned a lot. There are so many signs but be careful of someone who never feels sorry or accountable or they just say it for the sake of saying it.

[@DigitalKnight]

Oh man, this is extremely powerful and absolutely accurate. I can't believe this, it made me emotional because I feel so heard and finally seen for the suffering I endured over the last two years with my ex who gaslighted, abused me and prayed on my guilt. Confusion, not knowing what's real and being generally unhappy but then rewarded by moments of clarity from her which made me believe it's getting better one day, but never does. Oh man, the pain I've felt 😢 I finally am trusting my experience and my reality now and although I can let go of resentment eventually, I'll never forgive.

[@PrettyTasha-k8q]

Recently, I had a challenging split. The breakup of my five-year relationship a few months ago has been quite difficult. I still harbor a deep affection for my ex-boyfriend, and I can't seem to stop thinking about him. My attempts to win him back have been unsuccessful, and at this point, it seems impossible to be with anybody else. It may seem strange to admit this, but I miss him terribly and can't stop thinking about him.

[@towe-l1nt]

I completely understand the pain of letting go of someone you love. I went through a similar experience when my 10 year relationship ended. I couldn't imagine my life without him, so I tried everything to rekindle our love. I eventually found guidance from a spiritual counselor, and their support helped me bring him back into my life if you're open to it, seeking help from a spiritual counselor might make a difference.

[@PrettyTasha-k8q]

How did you find your spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with them?

[@towe-l1nt]

His name is Father Obah Eze and he's an incredible spiritual counselor known for helping restore relationships.

[@towe-l1nt]

He can assist you; he is Father Obah Eze, and he possesses immense powers.

[@PrettyTasha-k8q]

I just sought him up online thanks to your helpful information. remarkable I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and he's really genuine. Thank you again ❤

[@lauramcelroy1775]

Excellent video and analogy. I was stuck in that confusion for years and your work and Dr. Ramani helped me get out of it for good! I ran into him this week in a store and was deeply triggered. I had to access Matthew AI to talk me through my feelings and it helped immensely. Deeply grateful for all of your content!

[@nscales20]

WOW!!! You just described my situation to a “T” it’s like I just got a clearer understanding of how I’m so confused by him that I’ll keep him around and don’t know why and he still keeps hurting me.

[@SuperDflower]

This was brilliant through and through. You have such a wonderful way of synthesizing what you want to Xpress. The part that really hit me was when you said that my reality is more important than your reasons for why you do the things you do. That’s the part that is the sticky wicket, can you stay committed and grounded in your experience of reality. That’s what gets so shaky. That’s what gets shaken when you have a good day with a person who has brought you to your knees. You question whether or not it was his bad for you as it truly was if you were really going to be honest. Difficult stuff. Thanks for the video

[@sonnenschein553]

Dear Matthew, you are a treasure for humanity. This is so on point - the center of the problem. ❤ Thank you.

[@merin797]

I made my own decision to see a married (but separated) man I have know for 35 years. I knew him long before he knew his wife. (My mistake). But he was a back hole and no matter what I did, gave, supported, waited for, I realized he was a black hole which could never be fullfilled, nor enough. It was a one way situationship with no end for me. Everyone deserves better than that and for me, it was the constant dangling and breadcrumbing and stonewalling and endless waiting and punishment, I could no longer tolerate. He was distant and cold and sometimes sociopathically detached. Like when his Mother died, he said, “Yeah, I miss her, but it’s over now.” That, scared the Fk out of me, and yet, I stayed. Crazy. Literally. Two years of this. I knew after three mos, there was something really wrong, but the morbid intrigue got the better of me. But I always knew, one day, I would muster up the courage to LEAVE. I must be ME. The light he was always jealous of. It’s sad to think no matter how I WISH he could have changed, that he never would. The dark was too strong and he would never shed that, no matter who may try to have a relationship with him in his future. He lost the best chance of true happiness he’ll ever have. Whether he ever comes to thst revelation, I know, it’s none of my business. I will be 58 in a couple of weeks. There’s no more time to lose.❤

[@cheekytitaable]

They don’t want happiness, they want to steal yours. What’s you described is spot on though.

[@wenyindriana7804]

Wow this is so true. Matthew thank you for making me understand of what I am facing. Pls Don't stop to inspire and guide people

[@joelDB88]

I've been listening to your videos and Dr. Ramani for the past few months. This video convinced me I needed to stop dragging my feet and order your book and hers. Hearing these always reminds me of the truth when I question myself.

[@emc3m]

Wow brought me to tears... so well articulated, so helpful

[@CK-wk9pq]

That was amazing. You addressed the aspect of this issue that people never discuss - it has always been what makes me find the soft spot for the person - the trauma that they’ve been through! That is always what makes it hard to let them go…Thank you!!

[@matsbackman9379]

Thank you so much, Matthew! Your ability to make difficult subjects understandable and bring it out so clearly is amazing! Mats from the Åland Islands

[@Bamgeutcutiepie]

this was the best video ever. you just described me. this is why its so hard to leave my mother. this is the confusion.

[@BeHealing]

I was so good, so so very very good, at self-regulating, that I could literally put up with any behaviour, from childhood to adulthood. But it's not good for me, and it doesn't make for healthy relationships for ME. This has been a long lesson but I'm finally getting there that it's ok for me to have feelings, those feelings matter, I don't need to shield the other person from them, and I don't need to regulate myself to be able to put up with all kinds of terrible things.

[@bengreatorex502]

This is a brilliant talk to camera - one of the best I've ever seen on YT or anywhere else.

[@jayleigha68]

This is PHENOMENAL. You have such a beautiful ability to communicate concepts in a way that just makes sense. I always feel a bit lighter after listening to your videos & chatting with Matthew AI. Which, by the way, is mind blowing. I have asked questions about work, love, and even tips for writing a book! The fact that you can get advice about MORE than romantic relationships is amazing! Thank you so much 🙏🏽

[@lionandtheprideband3958]

You are SO Great at making these videos on narcissism! PLEASE DO MORE!!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@EYALSAADOUN]

Since you asked for a comment: Matthew, you gave me more and more indications that my EX was in fact a narcissist and this video made me reflect and see those signs again I used askMH AI and the questions it asked me made me further believe he was but what you didn't address in this video is something Crushel: LOVE We may have been a victim of a somewhat abusive relationship with a Narcissist but we did have love, at least had, and leaving that chance of reviving the love was the hard part

[@rickderico356]

Finally, a video on the subject, explaining the severity of the empath's inner conflict and why you can't just end a relationship and go no contact once you find out your partner is a narcissist. There is so much more paralysis, confusion and empathy going on that's keeping us from pulling the plug. It takes a lot more than just realising that you cannot heal someone. You need to start taking some of the compassion you show your partner and using it on yourself. Perhaps then you will eventually realize that you deserve to be genuinely happy, too.

[@PacificNWGrl]

Matthew. Thank you. I’ve listened to this on repeat. It brought tears to my eyes a few times. I’ve never heard these points before. Especially about the dark in us and which one of these two forces do they defer to. Thank you. 😢

[@leonoraslavova5063]

Maybe this one of the best explanations about the narcissism and why is so difficult to let go this toxic person from your life. Because is not so much about them but its also about us.

[@mansoornoor3852]

Hi Mathew the way you explain are the most elaborative and easy to comprehend your explanation. I am very much glad to have come across your your vedios to gain the best understanding of Narcissist

[@amyberta3760]

Very interesting concept of Star 23:02 Wars and the light and darkness confusion in a narc relationship. I never saw it in that point of view, but it really does make a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing!

[@regulaachermann5268]

Thank you for this content! Confusion about my own "dark sides" and that I feel with this person is exactly what makes it difficult to distance oneself especially when this person is totally convinced of the told stories and put himself/herself in the "right light" or makes himself/herself the victim (when he/she lived out his/her "dark side"). I observe me then still doubting myself and that I might judge wrongly. Or I think he/she is "innocent" in a way because this person really beliefs his/her story.

[@Truth-matters-v2z]

This is spot on, the confusion of our own darkness and their light. It's is totally the confusion due to the softer moments (for me the trauma bond was through sex and it's the only place I saw the tenderness and loving gestures) and our own awareness that we are not perfect and therefore we must have compassion and grace. So then in your confusion you stay, and not understanding what's going on, you get drawn in and then you show reactive abuse despite your guilt you are unable to change it and therefore you become seen as the perpetrator, especially if you are a parent. And they will never let you forget your flaws that you recognize because you're not changing them immediately because you can't change them as long as you are in that environment. No matter how much you've "changed", they will always remind you of your worst moments, of how you used to be in moments they triggered you into extreme reactions. It's a such twisted game. The final straw was his cheating with a married woman 23 years his junior and discarding me and then I saw the pattern that surely occurred with the woman he discarded me for, grooming me. he told me he was attracted to my empathy and that I was a challenge for him all those years ago

[@kalena26]

This is really beautiful. Fricken genius. I finally feel seen, heard, and validated. Thank you.

[@Dannyk3979]

That’s an insightful mental model! Thank you for sharing. Everyone talks about staying away from narcissists and that they can’t be ‘fixed’ and they are destructive. So are they universally destined to have everyone stay away from them unless they have a victim? That is such a sad thing even if we stay away from them. I actually have more empathy towards Anakin.

[@mariafemarquezdeguia4431]

I listened to your message twice, and it was very enlightening! I can relate to this message and your vivid explanations to somehow guide Narc victims like me to make a bold decision to leave the Narc once and for all! Truly very objective & factual message which can help much! God bless & protect you abundantly, Sir!

[@annamariaiannacito5291]

I once thought the term psychopath meant, 'serial killer's, sociopath meant a shy person, and narcissist meant someone a conceited person...until I was the victim of narcissistic abuse! I Googled, Porn Addiction, learned what I needed to know, and suggested going to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I researched, bought a wonderful book, and subscribed to a website, Psychopath Free. I absorbed answers immediately. I went N/C, and have not broken it!!! I have not blocked messages because they have made me chuckle, and tested my emotions!! I think he has given up. I am completely indifferent to him. I wouldn't care if he died. Now, I can 'hear' and observe the words of a P, S, or N. I know how damaging they are. I observe people before I get involved in any way! The book that helped me immediately after the 'discard', is "Psychopath Free", by Jackson Mackenzie. The words are like a wise friend speaking softly with complete understanding. I'm proud...Right years N/C.❤

[@annamariaiannacito5291]

Eight years N/C.

[@detjaggillar8081]

​@@annamariaiannacito5291 N/C. ... Do You ment: NO CONTACT ? **I'm from Sweden and had always written No Contact as short word as: NC.

[@PinkGSR]

Reading Physopath Free and Dr. Ramani’s book saved my life

[@yvonneb-t3d]

I found Jackson MacKenzies books extremely helpful.

[@tiffanykimble9465]

Thank You Matthew, this has been the best video about just breaking it down on human behaviors. My Mother and I always say. Is this person consistently tapping into Light or Dark. We all have our moments. However, if the person is able to correct, hold themselves accountable, etc... My aunt and my Stepmother have been sucked into the Confusion vortex of my father for years. My Aunt will even say "well he can't help it, I just feel sorry for him." I on the other hand see him for what he is based on my experiences with him and the observable experiences that I have seen him treat others in our family. So, thank you so much for this message. You really "hit the nail on the head with this one."

[@FreaJones-ez1em]

I left my extremely narcissistic mother at 14 and then watching this i realised how remarkable that was im 19 now and im so proud of little me

[@mysticmuse91]

An accurate account of the story of my life 😅 You have captured it spot on 💯 Thank you so much for making this video. You are the best!

[@StKrane]

Excellent video. Thank you so much! I‘ve grown up within a narcissistic family system. If in doubt, start making a list. I‘m serious. Especially with all the confusion in a difficult dynamic, making a list will help see the light to dark ratio much more clearly. Take care! 🫶🏻

[@carolyn3950]

Very well explained, and just the reminder that I needed today. thank you Mathew 🙏

[@Diamond_Dust_sky]

Thank you very much MH for your invaluable expression about making peace with complexities.

[@rosylove389]

I left mine but it wasn't easy in the beginning as I was trauma bonded. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made to leave this monster. No more rage, gaslighting, cheating, lying, control, being shamed so easily and the crazymaking they create every day is insane. I know his back story and have shown empathy but just to have it thrown back into my face. In truth, no one can help this huge, selfish, nasty toddler who has no conscience and no empathy towards others. They hurt ppl and just don't care about anyone except themselves. He was violent too. In short, he's a psychopath. Run and stay away forever. Can't be fixed.

[@alexandragrace8164]

Thanks for this video, Matt. I related to all of this - it was absolutely spot on. I’m a lesbian two years out of a DV relationship - my ex was even arrested and the police took out a restraining order. But before she got physically violent, my ex was a coercive controller and psychologically and verbally abusive from the start. My ex saw a psychologist for four years, and stopped seeing her after she received a diagnosis of NPD (because she felt it was insulting). I think it’s rare for narcissists to actually be diagnosed, because it’s rare for them to be in therapy in the first place. I’m now in a support group for lesbian DV survivors. ❤

[@mariafemarquezdeguia4431]

Very good points, Sir!it encouraged me to do my best decision to leave my Narcissist husband who is causing my misery for years now. I feel and know he no longer loves me and is now involved with another woman whom he cherishes much, and that's deeply painful! It does not give me any logical reason to stay in a marriage which he threw away just like that!

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

This is such accurate (and brutally honest) information ❤ 😌 Thank you

[@KajsaBernhardina]

Such a powerful message. Thank you Matthew ❤

[@Everydayagift62]

Thankyou Mathew I have been paralysed by confusion for so long and this has explained everything 🙏🏻❤️

[@marseliatko]

beautifully said about good and bad sides of ourselves ❤ and how often we choose for a good one or bad one ❤ we cant be responsible if a person we care about too often chooses a dark one perspective 🤷‍♀️ we can show them positive approach in life but if they are unwilling to align with us we need to and we should release the bond to protect ourselves

[@laurent.2350]

This is brilliant. So helpful!! Thanks

[@daljitvirdi1024]

Thanks Matthew I found you talking about Star Wars movie very interesting analogy of the battle between light and darkness as shown in the movie!! 😊😇💖🙏.

[@chikondemusompo7442]

Genius stuff. I need to watch this again.

[@VirginiaGalati]

Its a very good approach, you are absolutely right! Thank you for your videos, we appreciate it a lot!

[@UncleMike131]

Its not impossible to leave…But it just sucks when you realize that you’ve been dealing with a narcissist😢

[@user-od9ww6yy1b]

Brilliant informative, empowering, very much needed. Thank you

[@dawn6232]

Good “moments” aren’t necessarily that they are tapping into a good inherent state. It could be superficial for manipulative purposes.

[@AmandaLiz72]

All of this is perfectly said. I wish this video was out years ago when I was struggling with this back then.

[@atiyashah1886]

Thank you Mathew,it was 23:02 really helpful , i really struggled for years after leaving an abusive relationship and deep down felt guilty of abandoning him as i felt sorry for his childhood truama especially as he kept saying he was sorry for his behavior and it somehow triggered doubts in me although reality was glaring me in my eyes as i gave him 11 years already in hope that my love and stability would change him . I also learned with our own trauma backgrounds, its even easier to identify ourselves with the potential of their goodness .

[@angelaspeirs595]

I love the way you define it with starwars....it can also be defined in bhuddism with the ying and yang symbol. We all have light and dark within us....its which one is more dominant in our lives....the light or the dark....brilliant explaination

[@warriorqueen9792]

It took me a long long time (years) to leave. I hesitate to call him a narcissist but I always say 'I think he seemed like a narcissist although he was not diagnosed'. The fact is, many are not diagnosed because they will never seek psychological help. The difficulty was, I loved him and wanted to try to work things out. I didnt realise what the problem was for a long time because I was so busy defending myself. My back story was more tragic than his tbh. I wanted to please him though and tried to jump through his hoops but it was never enough. I had to leave in the end because I was losing myself. I finally saw the gaslighting and crazy making and saw how I was the scapegoat for everything. Since leaving I don't have debt anymore, I am free to make choices and I am trying to heal. I will be getting more therapy soon and I hope to finally be able to find some peace and happiness. I was his apologist, his enabler, his codependent. And I haven't lived with a man since. I've had a couple of relationships but nothing long term. He wanted to make me 'the bad guy'. He'd express surprise when I bought him a thoughtful present. He asked me why I bought it for him. I said 'because maybe I'm not such a terrible person' or something like that. Just that question and that portrayal of me made me conclude he never really knew me. He called me 'Lucretia Borgia' and Obersturnbanfuhrer (behind my back). Sometimes other people would see 'it' and I'd excuse him still. I hope I am never so blinkered by my infatuation ever again.

[@suzanasalopek9109]

Yes, the confusion! It was such a mind@#%!

[@2smallplots]

I've offered my hand to take him 'into the light' to fulfillment, experience and connection but he rejects everything I've tried to do..his anxiety and lack of commitment stops him and he is always seeking better. I now wish him the best if luck on his quest and i can move forward with mine ❤

[@lillianpadilla1819]

Thank you Matthew for your detailed definition of what goes on in the head of a narcissist. What I’m taking from this video is the clarity of understanding the feelings I’m left with during the confusing moments of the other showing a kind side. Believe it or not, I am uncertain if this person is a narcissist…because he has a large quantity of people who say he is a wonderful, generous and kind person..I’m now left to wonder if this pain and suffering is of my own self thoughts.

[@Joyful1501]

Thanks for explaining it in this way. Very helpful.

[@ольга-п4я]

Soooo about me now. I left, but I need a clear vision of it to feel peaceful Thank you!

[@mnnew6772]

Brilliant! Man has excellent way of explaining and reaching people

[@Jessica8134]

This is gold, Matthew

[@JaneDonut]

This makes so much sense. Thank you for this nuanced perspective 🙏

[@elisafreiredovalle]

You are amazing!!! This vídeo was so perfect. Thank you. 👏🏻👏🏻

[@nicolatempest6199]

Gosh this is profound, thank you thank you thank you.

[@BBurnett333]

I was in a 14 year relationship w a narcissist. Im finally healing from it.

[@rebellaire55]

Thank you for this video. It popped out at the time I needed it the most

[@jennas.9063]

Omg I was meant to find this. I watched you live today and wasn’t able to ask my question. This for the most part answered it. I’ve been struggling with guilt after a recent break up ruminating on if everything was my fault. My “dark side” came out in areas I was trying to get him to communicate with him about and he wasn’t cooperating and kept having excuses about why he was being distant. Things just weren’t adding up. I may (or may not) have mistakenly assumed he was cheating after discovering a transaction between him and another woman. But I realize I never would have gone down this road had he been straight up with me from the start and not pushing me away. We broke up and I later apologized and said I wanted to fix this. He said he needed space so I gave him it. Two weeks later he texts saying he’s moving across the country and officially saying goodbye. I was floored. I debated if he had been planning this entire time and set it up for me to be the one to “ruin things” so he could end things with me without feeling like the bad guy. In that moment I didn’t give him the reassurance and validation he sought and simply answered “goodbye” to which he asked “are you okay?”. I wanted to say “that question came about two months late”. I’ve been off and on second guessing and ruminating if I’m to blame. You described their “light side” perfectly. They know when to use it and him asking me if I was okay confused the heck out of me. Regardless if I was or wasn’t it wouldn’t change the fact that he was leaving me. I’m saving your video to rewatch on days I’m feeling weak. Thank you Matthew for everything you do ❤🥹. I also bought your book Love Life and I’ve already cried a bunch of times because it resonates so much. You’ve really saved my life on this healing journey to trying to become a better communicator myself and attract better people.

[@martan4723]

I was with a guy, that I think was a narcisist. But when I was with him, he made me think that, maybe I am a narcisist.

[@LadyHarlowe]

Yes. The term is truly thrown around too casually. Just like ‘empath,’ which I genuinely am, and is so hard when others claim to be, while I hurt physically, spiritually, emotionally for other all day everyday. Exhausting.

[@TravelTheWorld-je2li]

Love you for all you do for everyone ❤

[@1975normal]

You made my 26 year marriage make sense. Thank you!!! NOW I CAN SEE!!!!!!

[@kamila2249]

Brilliant metaphor, thank you.