What Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Guy Looks Like

[@v9b23j]

When your hunger for love is stronger than your self love, you settle for situationships and crumbs.

[@fashionforwarddd]

This!! Well said

[@disnalee]

Love is not to be rush. If it is than its only lust. Lust is temporary not long terms.

[@vittorianesse]

Love this! Stealing it 😊

[@alignyourpractice]

Ugh. This is so true. Time to start doing things differently.

[@ninababy6112]

💯

[@LucaAnamaria]

Instead of being afraid to lose him, be afraid of losing yourself. When we compromise on our boundaries and ignore or minimize our feelings and needs, that's exactly what happens. And it takes a VERY LONG TIME to recover from that. Much longer than it takes to recover from an asshole guy.

[@LucaAnamaria]

@Don K Yikes! Your boss should have known better than to make a move and stay at the same company and in the same role. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[@LucaAnamaria]

@Don K Wow, that sucks. Sounds like you need to put up some strong boundaries. Harder said than done, I know.

[@LucaAnamaria]

@Don K As a stranger on the internet who knows not of the intricacies of your situation, I think it would be irresponsible of me to give specific advice. But if a therapist is covered by your work benefits at all, I would strongly urge you to talk to someone because the situation you're in is a really difficult one.

[@teddygrahamm]

@donk8105 @donk8105 omg, go to HR and report him! He is not worthy of you at all, he's causing you so much emotional distress and confusion, and apparently spreading sexual rumors??! Hell no, let that 🥭 (man go lol) and go find that love you are craving within yourself so you will never allow someone to treat the love of your life (you) so terribly again😞

[@loryjones7220]

@Don K This is a problem for HR, Don K. -- unless you like the drama. Tread very carefully, or you could lose your job. Too many snakes in that pit where you work.

[@cuddlebug1957]

The question about “what if I don’t find someone like him again?” - well that’s exactly the goal to find someone not like him. Flip the narrative. He’s not good enough for you, he’s not giving you what you want. YOU want something different than him. And you won’t find something better if you settle for this situation.

[@katherinep708]

Lmao this reminds me of my abusive ex. He said “you’ll never find someone like me”, in my head I was thinking “well yeah, hopefully I won’t.” I wish I had said it out loud to him instead!

[@ipercalisse579]

It happened a lot to me in my lifetime (I'm 39). I just met guys who were very immature or not really into me, yep, it sucks. I struggled to feel confident in myself, feeling like I had something wrong, wasnt good enough, pretty enough... I broke with them and stopped dating them thinking the same. What if I dont find someone like him again. Guess what. I didnt find someone at all :) but I'm happy that at least I'm not with a douchebag, it would be worst. I'm happy that I didnt settle with this type of person. I feel my life would be very ruined at this time. Right now, actually, yes love didnt come either.... dont know what I've done wrong! but the 30s are a bad time for dating I suppose, lots of men in a relationship already, lots of "my wife" around"..... it's ok. Life can be sweet alone. A lot of eroes are lonely, and I feel one of them. And I'm also very pretty and attractive and in shape and intelligent, and a man is really stupid not seeing that. Maybe it is just that. Men are stupid. I'm sure my man did the big mistake of taking someone else that's making his life miserable.... life is choices. Wrong choices. Good choices. Life is yours and yours only, and the presence of someone else doesnt make it wonderful, but just you. And forget children and stuff, it is ok to go your direction that is the loner... it can be amazing actually

[@danieller9778]

Needed to hear this. Thank you😊

[@solarqueen2555]

She's blinded by the fact that he's famous. He's not actually giving her what she wants.

[@ScorpionMaiden75]

Amen to that!!! Thank you for putting this way 🤔 ❤🙏🔥👑🔥🙏❤🤔

[@mimiporter8610]

Agree Narcissist 100%. She isn't using her own tools of common sense, allowing celebrity cloud her clarity.

[@SydneyInTheSky]

A general rule that may not fit every situation: A sad sob story + lack of accountability = manipulation

[@shannonl9633]

Very well stated!

[@K4ENK4I]

Love this!!! It fits all of my situations. It’s usually the first sign of manipulation.

[@audreysteele7486]

Ooo dang that's good

[@jennykelter9518]

Not always true

[@jennykelter9518]

@@anomaly74 true. I misread !

[@cocoleluz]

I read this and it makes a lot of sense, “ if they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused”. She have to let him GO NOW!!! He doesn’t see her as the one. If she stays, she will be nothing but a SPOT HOLDER until he finds the right one. Be smart!!!!

[@letsgotravel6724]

The fact that she is a Love Couch but couldn"t give her Self a good Advice, clearly she need to Change her Job she might be also giving those poor People a wrong advice🤷‍♀️..

[@cocoleluz]

@@letsgotravel6724 that’s right!!!

[@coolbreeze5683]

I agree! Her advice she gives other people about forcing yourself to keep busy so to not "contract one-itis" sounds like cliché advice she read in Cosmo Magazine. If you're meant to be and feelings are mutual, you both want to spend lots of time together and not play those stupid games of hard to get. If you're with the wrong one, you'll be called "needy", if you're with the right one, they'll call "loyal and loving" and they will reciprocate. If one plays games, the other would want to play games too.

[@traviscrabill5306]

For real married for 10 years. Communication is key, even while taking the day doing separate things. Always ask her how her day is going whether gone at work or coming through the front door. I don't care for the boring stories or complaints, I care about her confiding to me. If it's serious, then I know before she says anything. I hate the stress in today's world that hurts families as well as the decisions made by single people who are looking for someone that society does create anymore.

[@cocoleluz]

@@coolbreeze5683 exactly!!! I agree with you 💯.

[@Pinkflo363]

This was excellent. I was dating a man that was perfect on the outside. Handsome, charming, high status, funny. Captivating. And a whole mess underneath. I was carrying all the weight in the relationship. Emotionally and physically..,yes pleasing him and not once did he ever pursue me intimately. I was heavily deprived from the relationship and hanging on for dear life because of the outer shell. I finally cut him loose. The man didn’t lose an ounce of sleep. Haven’t heard from him since. Ladies… don’t drag it out. Run!!!!

[@susanklein7448]

Solid advice.

[@en2336]

SO CRAZY how good they can look on paper...all their friends and coworkers and everyone they meet loves them because they're so charming and outwardly stable...and no one knows what a terrible partner they are; that side of them is reserved for only you...I will never forget that feeling

[@fhanoverartist]

Dont be afraid to lose him. Be afraid to keep him. Ugh RUN!!

[@PinkDiamond7777777]

Those 10k € houses are everywhere.

[@brandilowe6617]

I just freed myself from this. Man wouldnt even touch me or even be near me when we slept in same bed. Wouldnt kiss me hug me nothing . I feel amazing and its only been two days since hes been gone .

[@naturalmagic4128]

"You have your reasons, but I have my reality. If my reality is that what you're giving me isn't enough for me to be happy, then your reasons as to why that is don't really matter." (17:47) BRILLIANT!!

[@jjslosttrain1461]

❤❤

[@kimberlykay6161]

Been there done that. Move on. He doesn't have your best interest at heart. Move on. You will only get hurt.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

The thing is, most people know what genuine interest looks like. You know the texts you'll receive, the questions you'll be asked, the plans that will be made, etc. The falling process isn't that mysterious. So you should also know when someone ISN'T falling for you. Inconsistency, dodging of important conversations, excuses as to why it can't be serious now, some scattered future-faking, some ego pumping followed by silence, not progressing the relationship, etc. You KNOW, you just don't want to believe, and this is causing you suffering.

[@ClueSign]

Spot on

[@nihaomaxiexie57]

100%

[@HITLJC]

💯 Summarized as Denial ...denying ALL ..its being caught up in the delusion of What can be ..what it could look like...Unless your willing to wait and see if he gets to choose you over the others..but there are high chances you could shed many many tears in the process of Waiting. Let the Person come ready and sure of what he wants ...not to flex his emotions with you.

[@letym2271]

Then why do they pursue you hard at first? Just for ego kibbles? Leave people alone if you're that disturbed. They sure do want your love and attention, but they keep you at a distance.

[@jvyvyn]

@@letym2271THIS. Dealing with this at the moment …

[@judyb0216]

Same thing happened to me. Never wait. Timing is not right. You can't force a person to heal. Move on.

[@Richiehawk]

Well, you're right but sometimes I think you really can help a person to heal better, even getting them to Heal more Faster and Better than Healing alone by themselves🤏... Just saying Basically some Men may end up Healing and growing in fear even at their new Relationship Life if eventually they try to get into that same lane again 🤷... Like you know; Healing from a Relationship Trauma is so different Healing from physical wounds... So I must say; some people may love it getting that Healing with their new SOULMATES, FRIENDS beside them so they don't end up damaging that door meant for YOU, ME and every other person around the world too .. Guess you got ma point!😏 Well, that was great Conversation between 'em all.. Btw; I'm wishing you Merry Christmas and a happy week ahead 🤗, Stay happy healthy and safe friend 👍

[@PlanetZipp]

@@Richiehawk sometimes leaving is the lesson for that person to acknowledge their behavior or beliefs. My Aunt told me something a while ago when she was deciding to marry her current love or get back with her high school sweetheart. She realized that if there was any bit of doubt then it was a NO. If there was none then it was a YES. She is happily married for 25 years by choosing the YES. I know from experience, ignoring my aunt’s wisdom, that trying to make a maybe work can keep you stuck there in definitely. What they are saying here is that his answers to her straight forward genuine valid questions he made excuses and avoided answering them honestly. When someone asks a question the answer is usually a yes, no, maybe (or never). Maybe is an endless answer with zero guarantees. It is a loophole to not officially lie. A truly honest person would have said a gushing yes followed by they were nervous to bring it up. Or a no, I don’t see that for myself in the near future. Honest and forthcoming answers are respectful. Ambiguous answers is usually avoidance. The part to focus on is the person asking, as hard as it was to be vulnerable, is ready so if the other person is either there or not. That is the truth in a snapshot of the relationship. I feel that after 3 snapshot moments it is time to call it. Doesn’t matter whether it is in the same week or months. If one person feels a certain way and it is not reciprocated negative feelings are created, like feeling stuck, resentment, or unloved. That festers and most often leads to the demise of the relationship. Going back to your comment, one person can show the other person the path to healing does not guarantee they will end up together. That is a fantasy that happens to very few people. My biggest problems in relationships was staying longer than I knew I should have. Take the lesson of the relationship and move on to use it in the next.

[@Richiehawk]

@@PlanetZipp Honestly you nailed it🌹🤏 and i agree with you 💯.. I don't regret how long spent in a relationship instead i peacefully dissolve our connection, learn from it and move on probably being able to handle the next ... Thanks for sharing your experience, you're amazing and I appreciate. Stay happy healthy and safe friend 👍

[@brandiwalker7505]

So what do I say to him to let him know I’m not doing this and moving on?

[@firemusic9217]

​@@brandiwalker7505 u font say nothing to him just mind your biss! He knows already he Got u in his trap!

[@AK-du7ss]

I cannot believe that there are women that are still hoping and waiting for men to commit. There is no time to wait. You will find somebody else. Be happy.

[@lisameyer7757]

Or maybe you won't... still be happy and enjoy your life,

[@nursegaines3519]

Amen

[@nursegaines3519]

@@lisameyer7757 TRUE

[@kmp820]

Way easier said than done. For those who know better just means that they have learned the lesson. There are a lot of people (both men and women) that are dealing with unresolved trauma and still date at the same time and it’s not helping their current situation. If that makes any sense.

[@lightofall]

These days many men are unwilling to commit

[@worldadventuretravel]

My takes to eliminate the negative candidates and attract the positive ones : 1) Heal your attachment style & deal with your trauma, whether it's from childhood or elsewhere. Securely attached, emotionally healthy people attract the same. 2) Pour into your interests and your life and allow the universe to bring you people that are aligned with your energy 3) Let men be the pursuers. Just trust me on this, the other way does NOT work. 4) Don't let a person disrespect you or disappear on you twice. If they violate your boundary or 'pull away,' they're as good as gone- move on. 5) Learn to really enjoy your own presence, and you will adjust your energetic frequency to attract people that can match you. 6) Worry about whether you're interested in them, not whether they're interested in you. 7) If a man is leaving you confused about his feelings, he is either not into you or not mature enough for a relationship. Let him go. Hope this helps!

[@pixie3458]

And some people are not capable of creating strong intimate relationships

[@annesilverman469]

What happens when a man is too fearful to pursue? A woman will give cues that she is receptive. Some men are not good at reading cues. Suggestions?

[@averynmitchell]

This is so good! ❤

[@Shaster75]

6 is so accurate!

[@LauraSchendel-ko1qk]

I have heard many men say that if a woman smiles at them, it gives them the courage to approach her. Hope that helps!

[@lo.p4089]

The worrying thing about this relationship is that he seems VERY experienced in playing this game and leading people on. He's done it a lot - it's a strategy that works for him. He knows exactly what to say, to play the victim, get her sympathy, keep her hanging on, frightened to ask to many questions or push him for real answers. He's an experienced manipulator. I bet his phone is full of conversations with multiple women, serving his needs in some way.

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

He drove that last woman bizarrely crazy. She wasn’t borderline until she met that narcissistic man. Wow

[@ggghahamega4639]

Exactly

[@kdub10009]

100%

[@MS-bs8dd]

Amen to that

[@tinydream]

@@noticeyourneighbor8649to be fair, that’s not how mental illness works. Not sticking up for him but that logic is flawed and potentially dangerous.

[@wenzbee197]

I feel for this lady. I think … he is seeing quite a few people (not consistently). The fact you haven’t met his friends is a HUGE RED FLAG and that he doesn’t see you on the weekend. I’ve been in this situation and it makes you feel paranoid. Not healthy. Imagine if you had two nights with one, two nights with another etc etc. He’s having a ball and blaming his PTSD on his inability to be “consistent”. It’s a cop out and we get hooked in and feel so connected once they express vulnerability, but its a fake vulnerability designed to get what they want. Just my opinion. You deserve so much better.

[@lolacookie453]

“I know not to text him too much or too little” Girrrrrrrrl, he sounds like way too much work. Next!

[@justinethomas5020]

Facts

[@justinethomas5020]

Way to much work

[@sfc5774]

Exactly !

[@katrinat.3032]

Yes, and saying you have secure attachment because you know how much to text him?? Did you give yourself that diagnosis after reading an article in Cosmo??

[@Vegan007]

The Goldilocks pain amount was the perfect way to describe it. This guy sounded like my ex...traumatized enough to never commit to me fully and claim to never be able to trust me, but not too traumatized to want me to be there as comfort, source of sex, and constant validation. SO GLAD I ESCAPED!

[@rociobriseno1486]

I just left a 10 yr relationship that was like this. We were bf/gf but would never spend time unless it was about His trauma, His stress, etc and he could never just enjoy the Now. Lots of promises of marriage but no follow through

[@Vercanya]

My ex is a covert narcissist. This goldilocks ratio describes his "trauma" perfectly: just enough to make me excuse his toxicity and to push me to do things I wasn't comfortable with, but not enough "trauma" for him to work on it and to see the pain he caused. 2,5 years since I left him, don't miss his abusive ass one bit.

[@Vegan007]

@@Vercanya mine was a narcissist too. The "white knight" kind. They use whatever they can to control us...and so hard to get out! Well done 👏

[@katherinep708]

So proud of you people for leaving!

[@missb1097]

@@Vercanyathis totally relate

[@kyladanae]

Emotionally unavailable men are just men who aren’t emotionally available to you. I’ve seen men who claim they were so heartbroken and couldn’t get into a relationship just to meet someone they actually liked enough to get past it. They are shockingly good partners to someone else just not you because they weren’t that into you. There are no excuses. If you meet someone and they aren’t available or willing to put in the work they aren’t for you. You aren’t for them. There are some who are completely not available and emotionally immature. some guys are just not into you so they come up with excuses to keep you around because they like you enough. You are basically around so they can get their needs met until they meet someone else. Women do this as well I have male friends who have gone through this. It’s like I like you enough to keep you around sometimes it’s enough if people are clear and it’s what they both want.

[@arnavsrivastava4635]

Rightly said

[@antihipsterboho]

Nah. People who keep people on the line are either das or narcissists. People who cant be alone because they are bored arent quality partners to anyone. A quality partner would not date multiple women they were not into; they would be alone.

[@jestprzygoda]

@@antihipsterboho what is das?

[@jestprzygoda]

Fully agreed. Why only we forget it when we are in such a scheme. Watching "he is not into you" regularly would help i guess

[@NatavanQuliyeva]

Omg so trueeeeeee. I have been in such a relationship with a guy who was dating too many different women while being in not named relationship with me and didnt like either of us and married completely different woman. 🤔

[@betsyfernandez1440]

To feel valued, nurtured, and respected is how we should feel in any significant relationship. Your advice is spot on!

[@Kholoured]

These 3 things are all women want, and yet 3 simple things are usually very hard to find in 1 individual...

[@karadaniel6334]

I loved all the laughter and comments about how dodgy this guy is, we all needed to hear it!

[@2.22onlyyou]

This man is emotionally unavailable, never I repeat never entertain a man or a woman who is emotionally unavailable. He’s in therapy, wish this man well in his healing recovery and move on. Everything in this situation is screaming he’s not ready to invest at-the level that you are.

[@Richiehawk]

That's Right! He's amazing and that was great Conversation between 'em all But as pertains to what you emphasized on; do you believe that sometimes women might be the reason for fast recovery?? I'm just curious!😏 Btw; I'm wishing you Merry Christmas and a happy week ahead 🤗, Stay happy healthy and safe friend 👍

[@2.22onlyyou]

@@Richiehawk Happy Holiday’s, Well…I think a woman shouldn’t be the reason why a man should have a fast recovery. What do you mean fast with "fast recovery"? This concerns me 😳, A man should recover because he wants to recover and ready to do the shadow work.

[@Richiehawk]

@@2.22onlyyou well, not you tho! 🌝 Just Curiousity 😁 I guess your ideology is best known to you... Speaking of "Fast Recovering" I was specifically emphasizing on "Emotional Pains" as a result of Unhealthy and Unstable LOVE LIFE from past Partners..... Guess you read me better this time¿ Huh!

[@2.22onlyyou]

@@Richiehawk I might not have the correct answer for you or for anyone but I can speak from experience that after going through my second heartbreak I can truly say that for the first time in my life I feel healed and so peaceful. I did my shadow work and as painful and challenging it was I now look at my past emotional pains very much needed lessons for my own growth. Harry, when we are in a broken painful place, our energy is literally attracting individuals who are in the same space we are in. I’m a true believer these individuals are a reflection of what we are putting out in the 3D. I am now in a place where I can love someone properly and allow someone to love me properly. However if I was to meet someone whose in his shadow work period and doing the work for himself I would not mind be a supportive friend nor would I mind being an ear and as blunt as I am I would also call him out if necessary. Getting on a full blown relationship wouldn’t healthy for him nor fair to me. So a woman who jumps into a relationship with a man who hasn’t healed old wounds and is letting her know he’s in therapy and doing his shadow work and she continues to push or persuade him into one should be a huge read flag for him. She’s already telling you she wants her needs met regardless where you are at in your heart space. Not cool 😎.

[@Richiehawk]

@@2.22onlyyou Sincerely you Nailed it all and nothing more for me to say 😂😂.. I'm so speechless 😶 and I totally agree with you, obviously I've been in same shoes and i know how difficult it was getting off and putting the past behind totally... Honestly I'm so amazed and melted haven read such powerful and Charming wordings comes from a great and Beautiful Queen like you, sorry if calling you "Beautiful Queen" bothers you, I sincerely apologize 🤗 actually i would've appreciated it if i had known you or your name better at first ☺️ but i think you deserve "Beautiful Queen" because your words are sharp and charming 🤗.. I don't know how else to express this but I think you deserve Roses 🌹🌹🌹🌹 And if you were single then I must run away with you 😅lol😅

[@rachelsarmientotack]

When you start defending people who hurt you.... saying it's fine because they're "a big deal." It's time to reevaluate that pedestal you put them on. They may be a great person.. but if they're not a great person for YOU. That's the reality you have to live in. Relationships have to be mutually beneficial. They cannot survive otherwise. Someone gets hurt otherwise. Being hurt by someone you respect and care for isn't a relationship anyone should readily accept. Your suffering is a BIG DEAL too.

[@CaulkMongler]

my humble opinion: if he really is dealing with PTSD severe enough to not know if he wants to be in a committed relationship, he needs to have the self awareness to remove himself from the dating pool or not dangle the idea of a relationship in front of people. work thru ur shit and dont expect others to handle it for you. he gets the grace of the emotional security and validation of a relationship while simultaneously only just being involved enough to not be hurt like she would be.

[@blit104]

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯!!

[@dj_bae]

Let’s be real, this dude doesn’t have PTSD. PTSD is a serious disorder and the misuse of it as well as of the concept of “trauma” is exhausting.

[@iammidia5548]

Too easy!!!! Why leave the game? It’s not HIS responsibility to Buyer Beware! That’s on whoever buying into his BS! He don’t owe NOBODY NOTHING

[@gurlycash7394]

We don't know if he has PTSD or not. It doesn't matter. She needs to not be needy for him and leave

[@diannacullen9522]

He does have some problems and looks like he likes her but he can't take the relationship to the next level for whatever reason. She believes that reason is because of his trauma but even if it is you can't accept less in your life. Many people struggle with this I know because I used to.

[@alexandraherzogpsychothera3580]

That’s why it’s so important to have outsiders and coaches/ therapists. When we are “in it” it’s tricky to see outside of it. Very easy to get reeled into “their narrative” versus “my needs”.

[@shellymarlenemartin2779]

I agree that he’s likely a player. I dated a man like this who really manipulated me into feeling very sorry for him and it was his way of getting me to get my guard down. He ended up really being full of it.

[@QuantumHealingTarot]

If her goal is not to lose him even though she isn’t happy with him then she will lose herself instead.

[@shoelace.16]

That’s super profound, thank you for that 🙏

[@endearing1119]

This 💯 never negotiate yourself or cross oceans for someone who wouldn’t jump through puddles for you.

[@GrWi-e4h]

100%.

[@_Louise__]

This is so true. I was in a relationship with a CEO of a company for a year or so. At no point during the relationship were my needs considered. Always what he needed, what others around him needed, etc. Of course at first he made it appear that my needs mattered. I put up with this because I wasn't clear on my needs, but it resulted in a lot of pain and time lost. Be careful out there all

[@Sezfluffy]

CEO's are often narcs as they love power

[@IVvOOvVI]

I knew one CEO who would be very rude to the wait staff. He wouldn’t communicate well too, and he’d just hand you stuff without telling you to take it or what to do with it. It was just like implicit as if he expects you to just read his mind and serve him. Just glad I got out of that unscathed because I realized that it was unhealthy very early on.

[@nihaomaxiexie57]

I relate to this a lot!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I hope you have found someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated ❤

[@jvyvyn]

literally how it’s going between me and my manager..

[@karenfischer]

OMG! I just finished off a 1 month situationship just as you've described. The Goldilocks Pain Paradox is a perfect description. We as women have the "savior complex" and when a guy describes a bad situation whether it be due to their health or an ex-partner, somehow we want to rally around him and make him feel better and even when he tells us that he's not open to a relationship we will wait around hoping he changes his mind and we do everything to keep things going smoothly so he won't leave. Oh and then when they want to sleep together and not be exclusive....that is horrible! Ladies...take back your power. There are so many healthy men out there for us to meet. Keep working on your self-worth while single because then when you meet a "bread-crumber"/unavailable guy, then you will be able to walk away immediately. When a man is dealing with some type of drama from an ex partner, he is not available to give us a healthy relationship, ever. A man needs to be free and clear from all drama before he can open his heart to a new relationship and this cannot be rushed! Men's recovery from drama are like seeds...you cannot stand over it and tell it to grow and hurry up to bear fruit. It takes time and the time and healing has to be on their own time and do it alone. Ladies, we cannot help a man get over his trauma...sorry.

[@katelanxner278]

Plus from the email it is not possible to tell whether he has been the least bit curious about what her needs are, and what she feels commitment looks like. I read somewhere that the curiosity is something that will tip us whether a guy is relationship-worthy or not!

[@2Ryled]

Men are not fixer uppers. Only houses and cars.

[@2Ryled]

A man into you steps up. Calls, texts, shows up. A game player, is a time waster. Look up he's just not that into you ch1. You an option, not a priority. Game players can't commit bc they want mult gf. They have to come up with some bs. Cut him off

[@unkn0wnr0ckstar]

dang girl... all of this!! I was in a situationship for a year and a half and recently found out he went back to his ex wife. LOL SERIOUSLY?

[@Richiehawk]

@@unkn0wnr0ckstar Like seriously 😳 I'm so sorry about that 🤦... And I guess you're feeling better now??

[@roseelley4470]

My note to the woman who wrote this letter: he’s only into himself, leave him Queen - best to move on and refocus your attentions on a mutually reciprocal relationship - you are worthy!

[@maryanncarine2075]

100%. NO weekends or including his friends ? Sounds really fishy to me. Move on !

[@noem.7430]

i will rephrase that because "he is not that into you" can hurt the victim by saying that she isn't good enough. I'll say: "he is only into himself" leave him queen

[@roseelley4470]

@@noem.7430Excellent rephrasing!! ❤

[@roseelley4470]

@@noem.7430 Done! Good catch!

[@tiffanypr.9448]

Spot on: 'you have your reasons, but I have my reality. If my reality is that what you're giving me is not enough for me to be happy, then your reasons as to why that is don't really matter'

[@joanofarcxxi]

If you are traumatized by an ex, you are not ready for a new relationship. If you have not healed your wounds, you will bleed on someone else. I don't get involved with people with ongoing emotional issues. It's a nightmare and not fair for anyone involved, especially me since I am ready for a real healthy commitment. Heal yourself and make sure you are ready for the next journey. Otherwise, the new relationship will fail and more people will get hurt. You will just repeat the same patterns and waste my time. You don't have to be perfect, but at least you have to work on it and be actively doing so.

[@bernieoconnell5515]

That’s bullshit . He probably traumatised someone else the asshole. Dump him he’s not into you.

[@day-dreamer1313]

Doesn't sound like she's actually got a secure attachment style, but more like she's presenting as having one, when she says things like "I know to not text too much or too little." It sounds like she's not acting from a healthy place of secure attachment, but is making calculated moves/doing all the "right" things so she doesn't scare him off. I wonder what advice she gives her clients. 🤔

[@zenlife321]

Bingo. Ego driven dating.

[@DeAnnaChoi]

Girl, you nailed it!!!! She’s totally presenting as secure attachment style. Anyone who announces that they are is probably not! 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@958342]

She probably gives great advice. You are better able to when you are the outsider looking into anothers persons relationship with zero stakes involved.

[@Grahh777]

i agree

[@pixxie__]

That's such a good point and I completely agree. If you're secure it'll come naturally and you won't be so self aware of how you are in relationships

[@shellae1922]

Feeling like an intruder in someone's life is no way to live. Just got out of a situation that dragged on for 9 plus months. I was always put on hold. Never again.

[@Alloniya]

This is the worst feeling

[@shellae1922]

@@Alloniya yes it is.

[@letlhogonoloramaboea1661]

Was also in the same situation

[@veenareddy5275]

Am still in that situation. The worst part is they don’t want to let us go either.

[@julietruesdell.371]

So true

[@erinmu2427]

Audrey is the sister/best friend/mentor/therapist I want to have.. she seems very empathetic, sweet and understanding, beautiful soul all around.

[@ab7dasker]

Probably the only good dating advice I've ever seen on the Internet. These people know what they're talking about. Intelligent and clearly derived from experience for an audience of mature adults. Good stuff!

[@kristinej.4182]

Excellent video! Really appreciated everyone’s input! If a man wants a relationship with a woman, it shouldn’t take a panel of experts to analyze and dissect the issue. There won’t even be a question. She will feel it. He will make it known.

[@RachelSings21]

I’m with someone (for the first time really, despite being previous married) who makes it BLATANTLY obvious that he wants to be in a relationship with me. Every single previous relationship I’ve ever been in I’ve had to call my friends constantly to ask their advice, to voice my concerns etc. This is what I should have waited for this entire time. It’s a really great feeling, to date someone without stress and worry.

[@windysmith7367]

@@RachelSings21 I am happy for you. I hope to find that some day.

[@victoriaporsiempre]

I doubt that a person with a “secure attachment” would put up with this much, let alone start such a relationship

[@lisazug540]

I agree. A securely attached person would walk away from this, not write a page-long letter -- it's a no-brainer. This person is Anxiously attached.... and that is why she is so attracted to someone who is so clearly Avoidant. It just goes to show that knowing about attachment disorder is not enough to heal.

[@fatjesusonbike1276]

The way you love yourself raises the stakes for anyone who tries to catch you. I've always been infatuated with emotionally unavailable people, and it took me a tremendous amount of pain, therapy and soul-searching to realize I had mommy issues and found comfort in the pain I grew up with. So I'd advice anyone to ask themselves why you're looking for another one in the first place, and if you can see any reoccuring patterns.

[@renomaus6575]

Love your name. Im at this point, i see a patern for attracting and being atracked to emo unaivable guys. All the advice i get : love yourself. Stay single for a while. Ok but when will i be ready again? 🤣

[@MonaHerSelfM]

@@renomaus6575 maybe when you know that you can trust yourself with everything that could happen to you. When you can carry yourself and can meet someone on eyelevel. When you want people. Abd not need them.

[@lindasonntag4098]

What is “ Goldilocks pain…”?

[@mistyl1987]

Don't chase, the right person isn't going run.

[@user-ei9qt2tt2d]

Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.

[@GorgeTracy-d3v]

Its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 5 years ended, but i couldn't just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.

[@user-ei9qt2tt2d]

Intriguing! I'm curious, how did you find a spiritual counselor, and what's the most effective way for me to reach him?

[@GorgeTracy-d3v]

Meet father Akunna, a renowned spiritual counselor acclaimed for his talent in bringing back ex-partners.

[@user-ei9qt2tt2d]

Thank you for this valuable information.

[@rao_inspires]

This just made me feel soooooooooo much better for putting my foot down and standing up for myself. Finally exiting a situation where "Marriage in future but wait with me till I get myself together cause I have issues, but I can't define what we are, and if you leave me you're abandoning me" carrot was being dangled. #GoldilocksParadox lol

[@mayavp]

Omg this sums up my breakup

[@sp6990]

Omgg this!!!

[@slemusrocks]

Any update ?

[@BashaerB-h2c]

Same here. I left after I realized he had absolutely no reason to string me along me we could easily get engaged. He liked me but not enough..

[@maivang2514]

As a woman, I really appreciate Audrey's perspective, she is certainly insightful! I hope we the audience get to see her more often with you on your channel! Thank you, Audrey, for your time and energy that you help Matt to create for the audience today.

[@nvk743]

I really liked her perspective. I wish she got to go deeper with her train of thought

[@littleblackbabycat]

I find her annoying and I don't come gerefir her input. I come fir a man's perspective.

[@tomdrummy4984]

Every person is a “big deal” …….equally a big deal. Let him go 👋. He is not seeing other people consistently, but he is seeing other people.

[@realopinion5765]

Amin!!

[@Ohkeh640]

yeah facts, F that and he has too much baggage shes already in deep and hes not into her. she will be strung along lead on and he willl put his baggage onto her and she will leave drained.. no way. she should run,

[@leescuderi8331]

@@Ohkeh640 Agree. This guys needs therapy and she's going to be his emotional punching bag until he figures himself out. Hes probably not able to be into anyone. Emotionally unavailable people skirt the line of someone with NPD. They will pick everyone apart in order to find reasons to check out. You can never be good enough for someone like that.

[@JulietsJourneys]

She said He’s a Big Deal- to whom is he a big deal? She already has him on a pedestal. Big deal people have big deal problems????? Come on…. Seriously we all have big deal problems and we’re all the same. Total Ego trip.

[@fashionforwarddd]

As soon as you read the email I was like…wow, this woman has been blinded by her affections for this guy, and she is also lying to herself. The second you start wondering about “what your relationship is”, if the other person can’t clearly define it it means you are more invested in the relationship than the other person. She does indeed need to move on and invest her time and energy into someone else. Even if this is early on in the relationship it is clear she really cares about this man and he doesn’t.

[@meagandekkar6377]

I think the female coach is giving her power to the big shot in that she FEELS valued because he is prominent in his industry (A Legend in His Own Mind). Consider him a dodged bullet and don’t give him an audience.

[@wheathusk2499]

Never give up on ur authenticity for hanging on to a relationship. Be who u are, embrace ur needs, wants emotions and core beliefs.

[@77raymann]

I felt that Audrey couldn’t finish her Thought Strings without being interrupted.

[@mmiiggueell]

30:28 specially here! She got interrupted twice 😮😮

[@AAPAI_24]

Blokes- they can’t help themselves.

[@jakevendrotti1496]

@@AAPAI_24 Of course they can help it. People can hold their pee, so they can hold their tongues as well.

[@TheoWentHome]

74 people agree with this comment

[@elizab3341]

Important to point this out as a reality for a lot of women in a setting of men

[@ifatflower]

The thing is, narcissists will usually create the illusion for those who date them, that they are rare, and that they won't find someone as amazing as them. And again, for those who are confused by such a man, it is advisable to pay attention to how he treats her, and what she really gets in the relationship. In addition, when it comes to a therapist who is dating someone like that, she may be more compassionate towards him and may intellectualize the situation too much. Also, if a woman dates a man, she should look for how she feel in this realationship, and not fall for his stardust

[@angeritchie4034]

Un'real'ationship more likely 😉

[@Richiehawk]

Well said!✅ But this days they illusions are not only created by the narcissist too. It's happening everywhere, comes anytime and a lot of good Homes, Love Life and Marriage has fall victim of this but I also understand that it takes the strong once who really know what they desire no matter what condition they face with their present Love Life. As pertains to that; everyone is free to move on with his/her Life if your partner refuses to read you better or give you that Love Life you crave for 🤷 Basically dissolving the Relationship amicably firstly before moving ahead for another🤏, just saying prolly not to leave the other person shattered just cos he/she wasn't giving you that Love Life you craving for... Guess I'm right??😏 Well, that was great Conversation between 'em all.. Btw; I'm wishing you Merry Christmas and a happy week ahead 🤗, Stay happy healthy and safe friend 👍

[@ifatflower]

@@Richiehawk happy holidays!🌸🌟. I agree. I think it's a matter of values: well being and reciprocity more up in the value scale than status and being an "important" person

[@ifatflower]

@@angeritchie4034 Exactly! I couldn't find better words:))

[@ifatflower]

@@Richiehawk Diving deeper into it, I think that if someone has grown up lacking qualities like: love, money, status... he/she will look for them in a relationship, but because they feel lacking in these qualities, and need to first find them inside themselves, they may attract the wrong person in a relationship.

[@adriennegould7160]

Just the mere fact that he hasn’t introduced her to anyone he knows is enough for me to know he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s dating her.

[@jayl1712]

Wow what a great email question. Glad to hear that even professional are bamboozled into situationships. I was in a similar situation but not w/ a celebrity I asked the tell tell question and she erupted and bluntly said we should keep it casual and see other people. It ended and it’s been difficult to get a long but it’s refreshing to see that there is evidence of these narcissistic behaviors. I hope videos like these are taken as a warning to respect yourself and your time.

[@shvonned.burkemsncrnpagpcn619]

YES! Jamison ❤ Stop making excuses for people. We do it too often, when nothing heals trauma but time and work. But don’t sideline yourself in the meantime.

[@justine1737]

I’ve been dating someone the last three years. I was just checking in on Mathew! I feel like you really kept me company in a way back when I was single. Lol. Thanks for being such a wonderful person and there for all the searching souls out there. Hang in there everyone. And enjoy all the freedom, the world has so much potential around each corner for you. Life will surprise you! Believe in your worth and others will see it, too

[@2Ryled]

After 3 yrs no marraige move on

[@prettywhitney17]

This is so sweet ❤ needed this!

[@TheFlowerGardenZa]

❤

[@tanjaeisenberg]

Audrey is just such a pure soul. Everytime I see her in a video, I get a warm feeling. Well done, Matthew!

[@Richiehawk]

That's Nice! He's amazing and that was a great Btw; I'm wishing you Merry Christmas and a happy week ahead 🤗, Stay happy healthy and safe friend 👍

[@LuisRodriguez-qu8pb]

he is single that is why

[@Richiehawk]

@@LuisRodriguez-qu8pb oh! Thanks... That's cool!!

[@rhiannabrittany13]

She reminds me of my best friend , a Myers briggs type ENFJ

[@kaneshirogirl]

She's so wise! Love her.

[@philipcallado5693]

You guys are spot on. As a guy, I’ve been guilty of being blinded by the fact that a woman is both successful and beautiful, and assumed that there was more going on than their really was. It turned out it was my ego and need for validation that made me believe they were more interested in me than they really were. Love, or more accurately infatuation, is blind.

[@Liz-in8lu]

Nate, is that you?! Lol my recent ex. Think he liked the checked boxes with me, but reality hit hard.

[@Kholoured]

My personal therapist and several types like yourself preach. Date the person that you have, the person they are in the present. Too many women get caught up in the hopeful situations. Hoping he'll change, hoping he'll realize he loves you, hoping he'll be the man that you met on the 1st date that swept you off your feet. The person you have is what you are dating. If they are not meeting your needs or are gaslight going you, that is the person in the present and that person is not being a proper partner. You have to base your decisions based on what you have, not what you COULD have. I have had this problem for yrs, been working on it these last few yrs

[@Momma766]

after 5 years and 2 kids I am still hearing things like this. Anything is an excuse not to commit despite the fact we have been playing house this entire time and all of his needs are 100% met. This is what I like to call Financing an entire life on hope. If your emotionally unavailble person can figure out what you really want, they can promise it to you down the road. This finances them to the full spouse treatment and all they have to invest is a carrot on a stick and then keep living their best life. They will never pay into the dream because they don't have to and have no desire to. Once you get disgruntled enough because theyve used you up and you've got no more to give they will dump you because you've changed and they arent attracted to negativity.

[@007nadineL]

Be mad at yrself for living with and making babies with a man who doesn't want to marry you. THE BUCK STOPS WITH YOU SISTA

[@Jettypilelegs]

That’s terrible advice. Don’t be mad at yourself, they come in disguise. It’s like being a lobster in a pan, the heat gets slowly turned up so you don’t know you’re dying until it REALLY hurts. Don’t berate yourself, but get out.

[@kathrinkweseleit7074]

The term you are describing is „future faking“ and it is really cruel. Be happy that you have your Kids. I have none because of it and if I have had more awareness or selfesteem earlier in my life this wish could have been come true…

[@debrakarr996]

Still starts with us. Sorry u found one that wasn't worth it in the end. The signs were there no matter what was said. It shouldn't take very long to know u made a mistake on this one. Prayers

[@rachelklein2319]

Wow, did you hit the nail on the head with the giving him everything and wearing yourself out and then him saying he's not attracted to negativity. It's like you peeked inside my life and described it so well I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for saying what you wrote. I 'm sorry holier than thous came on here and wrote crappy things to you. Horrible behavior. I really appreciate what you wrote. We are all on a journey with this stuff and people at the end of the learning should be kind to those of us just waking up to the lies and the manipulation.

[@nardabramer]

Love Aubrey’s perspective as a woman . She’s so on point of what we as women might be thinking . Great topic thank you !

[@Richiehawk]

That's Right! She's amazing and that was a great Conversation between 'em all.. Btw; I'm wishing you Merry Christmas and a happy week ahead 🤗, Stay happy healthy and safe friend 👍

[@eleonoranullo]

I am a psychologist and i loved your answer Matthew! Also Audrey is amazing when she speaks! It really revolved around how staying true to our needs and truth is more important that engaging in self-betrayal in order to "finally receive love form the other person" or "make them change", which is always unfortunately the subconscious thought or "trap" when this happens. Good team guys, keep up with the good work.

[@TracieKeolalani]

Been there done that... I wasn't willing to wait outside his mansion till he opens the door to let me in. Moved on.

[@percygirl101]

6:09 agreed. If he’s that serious about his mental health and healing from his previous relationship I don’t think he’d be entertaining anyone and he’d be focusing on himself. He’s clearly not over it yet.

[@vitalishus]

I was with my ex narc for nearly 20 years (never even lived together) and I felt constantly in limbo. Forever proving my worth to him. Ridiculous, because he would never ever be satisfied no matter how many hoops I jumped through. And trust me I turned myself into a veritable pretzel! Then 18 years in, I researched what a narc was, I studied everything about cluster B syndromes. Once I understood him, and why I was attracted to him in the first place I couldn’t unsee it. It answered questions I had from my childhood, my family, & myself. I bless my time with him (there were many good times - for me, anyway) without it I would not be the as aware, highly emotionally intelligent person I am today. I actually don’t regret one minute. I went through a time whilst I was understanding, where I felt soo sad and psychologically conflicted, having so much empathy for him that he would never become the man I know he truly wants to be. The man his little boy inside, should have grown up to be. I miss the man he pretends to be. But it’s not real. It’s all simply nothing more than a reflection of his potential that can and will never be.

[@dnoelani5588]

I have walked into this kind of situation multiple times, not necessarily that they wouldn't date me exclusively, but that they use past experiences or job or situation as excuses of why they can't fulfill my needs, and always made me feel guilty for even asking for those needs. I think I need to re-listen to this miltiple times to remind myself that I don't have to feel guilty for having needs and there is someone out there that can fulfill my relationship needs.

[@lexienicole1458]

Boom, exactly. You said it exactly right!

[@lalaalaaalaaaalalaa]

@Don K your boss has power over you. Period. If your boss really cares about you; he'd support you to get a different job, or he'd get a different job.

[@teabiscuits1611]

Thank you for this video and thank you Lisa for sharing your personal experience. Im in this position. Though less of a ‘big deal’ than he’d like to think. I’ve been given scraps and excuses and reasons for years. This year was supposed to be the fully committed one. Yet I spent my birthday alone, I spent Christmas without him, he referred to me as his driver to “prevent gossiping”, he says he ‘can’t’ call when he’s with his kids but does if/when it suits. If I discuss future plans it results in arguments and excuses. The recent insults have been a massive slap in the face. But the past 7 days we haven’t talked or seen each other and I feel like my heart space is open and my head is clear. Im seeing, appreciating and letting in the love that is there, does show up and choose me. I feel like, after 4-5 years(!) that I can see clearly. I see my trauma bond, my mistakes, letting myself down over and over again. The sad part is, our bodies, our nervous system, our intuition tell us all the information we need to know. And it tells us over and over and over and over again. Until, once day that water clears, you no longer cling to sadness as a sense of connection to them, you no longer want pain over forgetting them and you see and hear and feel everything for it’s truth. Your reality has been just a desire and a fantasy. And that’s a sad place to be. But realising and releasing it is the healing work

[@yoshitaarora4240]

So much truth in this video and this comment. Literally have got done with a guy of same type I invested an entire year on. I regret wasting every second on the guy, because he sold himself to me for his past trauma and took all the girlfriend benefits, shared every bit about himself, his ex, his friends, his family to me and I gave him that benefit of doubt, that emotional support and the therapy he needed, but then when I asked him what I meant to him, he straight up said he's not looking for a relationship and that he's not attached to anyone. I was left heartbroken and It took me so long to heal from it, I actually got really attached to him. Such a loser!

[@2Ryled]

A guy who is into you shows up, persue's, calls, texts, is there. No games period. A guy who doesn't is a game player and time waster. You are an option. He has you on back burner while he still seing what's out there. Don't be an option, be a priority. As soon as date 2 no show he should have been done. He shouldn't get free gf experience without commitment. Look up he's just not that into you ch1. On utube. Look up signs of a bad relationship. And what is a narcissist and narcissistic supply. And breadcrumbing. Which he was doing. And hoovering bc he'll be back when he's bored. And signs of a player for good measure. Stop taking crumbs

[@sabrinamariamusic]

Then why are you still with him love? I know that’s hard to hear, but your self-worth is worth the heartache you may feel for a little while getting over him. What have you to get over? Nothing, but selfishness. Until you value yourself, you will not attract someone who can value you. I’ve been ghosted by someone recently that I really care about. There is no excuse I am willing to hear. He’s deleted and blocked and doing that actually healed me. Stand up for yourself because nobody else will. Men who can hurt women like this are immature and insecure and are not the protection we crave as women, but the opposite! Let him continue in his own muddy waters whilst you venture into new pastures green. ❤

[@dineend8335]

You were being used.

[@rosieleat6868]

"... the reasons don't matter - you are not in a position to give me what I need ... " OMG! Wish I'd seen this 30 years ago!!!

[@sbegum246]

Omg this is the advice i needed. Messaging him right now. My needs matter and i just don't have the energy to invest in someone who's checked out. Ladies someone will come round down the line. Put yourself first. Thank guys.

[@mayamassar4515]

Fully agree with Jamison. I felt it immediately - from the fact that she lost her center and felt a need to ask you (when she herself knows relationship stuff), to the ways she lifts him up as soooo perfect, to - yup - his vagueness and bullshit. Let's remember, even fully diagnosed narcissists are just broken souls. . . so we don't have to diss him, just get the heck out of his orbit.

[@sunshine_on_mia6963]

This hit home so hard.. It was me/is me right now.. two weeks ago we had the hard conversation about what we really are/doing and we ended up breaking off the “situation-ship” on his terms and tbh it was more of a full on relationship without the labels.. So the breakup hit me so much harder than I thought it would.. looking back Ive elevated this man to such a high level.. I’ve been so gracious to his needs and feelings.. And mine have just been left unattended and bottled until I cry into my pillow.. he wants to still be friends which I agreed with because I care about him so much.. but it’s so painful.. and I’ve been basically lying to myself that I’m okay and that this is okay and a positive thing.. but I’m internally so hurt.. and I think I need to create space between us.. but I have abandonment issues and fear of being alone.. so I’m actually the worst at distancing myself from people.. blahhh Also I didn’t even want the situation-ship in the first place and made it clear to him that I was afraid of being hurt again and he was respectful but jokingly said “but I can’t help it if you fall in love with me” which again looking back really doesn’t feel good.. It seems he love bombed me and then when it started to get too serious he pulled all his love away and emotionally shut me out and after enduring months of that I finally initiated the conversation that deep down I knew would lead to the end of things.. I just hate how closed it has made my heart and trust againnn :(

[@samiam5434]

Me too dear 😔 I’m sorry. I hope you know you are valuable and loved. I value you.

[@harmonica6141]

Ohhh god. Freaking same happened with me.

[@njay4361]

Happened to me too. Glad I didn't waste any more time than I did getting my heart broken. :(

[@asmatarar9131]

Omg Are you me ? Lmao reading this whole thing is like sooooooo close to where I’m at wowz.

[@carolinecuevas6977]

I feel you on this. Going through the same exact thing. Even had the conversation about how I had feelings and tried not to see him but somehow we ended up still seeing each other with no titles. I know what I have to do but it’s so hard.

[@Ana-rb7ws]

He’s not ready for a relationship, and enjoying her companionship. It doesn’t matter how much you like someone. If they don’t want to give you a relationship, you have to move on. Judge people by their actions, especially men in this day and age in the world of dating, not by their words, or their wounds or reasons. Btw, I’m loving Audrey. I am loving her energy. She seems like a kind soul.

[@lovisadreyer9653]

It doesn't matter how amazing the crush looks to you (not only talking about looks but also status etc) - if your crush isn't making you feel good, it's not amazing. You need to change your criteria for what an amazing person is.

[@TheSage1211]

Spot on Jamison. Narcs are often with borderlines. So makes a lot of sense. He sounds too perfect and like a victim.

[@tishratcliff9601]

Lisa already knows the answer. She wanted you to tell her she was wrong. I hope you guys helped her feel more comfortable letting go.

[@sarahs4408]

This is so spot on. I have been in a relationship like this for 6 years. When I finally ditched him it took him 3!!!!! weeks to find another girl.

[@Sezfluffy]

they always do that, we should be taught self worth at school x

[@Lucia-pd6fi]

There is something else in here. He spoke in length about his ptsd and that's when she started falling in love with him. She is also an empathetic coach. One thing is to deepen a relationship through vulnerability, and another thing is to have a rescuing pattern that might get activated when someone else's express their pain.

[@KatBurke]

I’ve had this situation so many times and every time they were seeing other women and ended up leaving for the one who didn’t obviously challenge any growth in them 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@Tutume1111]

Yes, lots of low value men tend to choose path of least resistance

[@janetkane682]

Yes, safe and secure which she did say was a primary need of hers.

[@SaintsandSushi]

I always say that doormats will never have an issue dating or getting married. What guy with low self esteem wouldn’t want want a woman with no boundaries and with people pleasing tendencies.

[@csx6910]

You're the common denominator here. And who is anyone to say he isn't exactly who he wants to be and is looking for someone who will accept him for him? Believe it or not, guys are people too and have their own ideas of what's right for themselves. If you're choosing guys you want to change, that is on you, not them.Your idea of "growth" might not be shared by them.

[@KatBurke]

@@csx6910 thanks for this feedback. I’ve done years of work on this as it was a long time ago - now I see it happening with men and women all around the world in my business. Everyone gets an opportunity to grow and learn and enjoy higher level experience in their next relationships- or remain the same. It’s a choice

[@ErinShannon617]

I had to break up with someone stating just that. I would like to be in a committed relationship and this is not something that you can offer me and that is okay, but that means I need to remove myself from things. Took me a few years and a pandemic to finally get there. Because I felt so grateful that anyone chose me, since for me dating is kind of rare. I really liked him, I know he really liked me, but was NEVER going to be what I wanted. Took my power back. And didn't have to be angry to do it. It helped.

[@MOJORAPSCALLION]

Find you first and love you first before you look for love and relationships

[@flutterlybutterly6188]

I'm with Jameson on this one. This guy sounds like hard work. Honestly, I couldn't be arsed with it.

[@amberscottcmt7400]

OMG... Please do more of these roundtable talks. The dynamics of the group are GREAT.

[@Emmah1243]

I'd been seeing a guy for 5 months. We both hadn't been seeing other people but hadn't agreed to be exclusive. We had been acting like a couple but without the commitment. He wanted to buy each other Christmas presents. I brought it up recently that we weren't exclusive and I thought we would end the conversation being exclusive. He said he wasn't seeing other people but wasn't ready to be exclusive. Which was disappointing because he had never said that before. I was looking for a relationship, his dating profile said he was looking for a relationship. I ended up calling it off. I felt blindsided but at least I'm not confused anymore.

[@Alloniya]

😂 the only one who wasn’t seeing other people was you

[@Emmah1243]

@@Alloniya I'm in a great relationship now!

[@kimturner9309]

@@Emmah1243good for you!

[@12Sanguine]

I have so much compassion for this Lisa. Being a coach I assume it's extra difficult to admit you have a blindspot. Definitely sounds like an unhealthy situation and (conscious or subconscious) manipulation.

[@keepinitjill5068]

As a woman who’s really been through it , I’d like to send a big THANK YOU to Mr. Hussey . Watching your videos has helped me navigate the rough waters of dating and taught me so much about myself and others . I’ve grown to be a smart , confident woman with boundaries , and I’ve been able to help so many others by sharing your videos !!! You are a topic of conversation on our “ therapy couches “ here in my living room and referenced frequently as one of the people that helped us “figure it out “ . Thank you Matthew ! You’ve got a group of fans here in small town USA !

[@Kinteresting]

Also I hear so many people (as in this example) say things like, I’m securely attached- and support that with examples of how they behave on an external level as it pertains to the dating world. Or the ‘right’ way of doing things etc. I think there can be a huge danger (and I’m glad it’s often touched on in your videos) for dating coaches to simply espouse the more superficial elements of how to respond, be healthy when it comes to relationship etc without making sure to consistently add the addendum of what is possibly going on at a deeper level. Or as Matthew mentioned here, subconsciously. Many of us may say oh I’m healthy independent secure etc and ACT all the right ways, and look the part, but this is an example of where our subconscious drive to put someone else’s needs first. Or minimize our own experiences, desires, and realities.. May seem like security. Or a lack of being ‘needy.’ When in reality these behaviors can mask some deeply rooted insecurities around making ourselves small, or subconscious drives while at the surface appearing to be doing the right thing or handling something healthily. It is such an oft overlooked topic that sometimes SEEMING insecure or openly discussing concerns, etc is actually rather secure. Suppressing these things to stay in alignment with formal dating advice.. trying to understand someone else’s motives etc. Are all examples of security being more of ‘root’ issue to heal with self, and be aware of. Versus the behaviors that mimic security. Just calling this to awareness and also glad that your videos especially recently seem to gently and helpfully touch on some of these things. Basically self love, above all else, and especially above finding love or even having healthy relationships. At the end of the day what matters most is our reality, our happiness. And it’s amazing to connect and understand others perspectives but never at the cost of our own. And by the way, ‘secure’ is a very overused and not helpful thing- we all have insecurities and issues all along the spectrum and the more we bring them into the open and normalize those conversations (as opposed to it being some dating world badge of honor to label one’s self as ‘secure’) the happier and more authentic we all will be. It is secure to be open about your insecurities!! That’s the golden ticket to get to in the end. In my opinion. And if someone else is being vulnerable with theirs- great! But yours are just as important. And if they don’t line up, or create comfort and a feeling of safety or whatever the case for whomever’s individual needs, THAT is what’s important. It is so easy to get caught up in what’s ‘right,’ that we sometimes forget to just really stand up for and embrace and own what is right for US as individuals. And what we value. and letting go of the outcomes from there. To me that is what ‘secure’ means at the end of the day… not the details about how many times you want to see someone or appearing independent to attract someone etc or the surface level aspects but, just being ok with what works for you. Even if that’s too much or too little for someone else. That is security.

[@atrapdr6251]

This is really interesting, I’ve never thought about it like this!

[@mp-pl8rw]

Good point. She says she is securely attached and maybe behaves so externally but a securely attached person would have clarified the situation early on and wouldn't have put up with any of this.

[@Dani-lc9hq]

Great comment!! Also someone who says they are securely attached says that based on previous relationships... but every relationship can create a different dynamic and when someone is on the opposite end someone who used to be secure suddenly feels anxious or avoidant... because truth is noone likes people who are super needy and noone likes people who are super distant...

[@lovedbeyond6422]

This was my first thought too!! Like her attachment style is a style of clothes she chose to wear that day and she is completely aware of the correct way to "wear it" but her behavior and what she's accepting is very anxious attachment trauma.

[@kausha7135]

Yup! All of this. I was also such a cool, never needy, independent, "you can leave me and I'll find another you tomorrow" type, but it was all just a front. Inside, I desperately wanted these men I loved to love me back just as much, but I feared they didn't so I never showed them how I felt. The shitty ones somehow knew anyway and used it to their advantage. There were a few good ones I pushed away too though because I was so aloof. Now, I'm much better at protecting my heart without being ashamed of it.

[@carriefawcett9990]

I love that Audrey is included, her perspectives are very intelligent and interesting. Great work all three of you, God I wish these videos existed when I was young!

[@summerbird4288]

Yeah me as well, considering divorce, 2 kids, 11 years of marriage. It took me 6 years to realise what’s going on.

[@candacemarie6059]

Thanks for this. I was in a similar situation earlier this year with a man I had been seeing for 6 months. In the end he wasn't ready for a relationship but wanted to remain friends and keep seeing me. I walked away from him and never contacted him again. It was so painful. It was a split second decision because he had started to become inconsistent due to his mental issues (so he said....) and I was not happy anymore. I just knew continuing a friendship with him would be too painful and not fair to me. Like you said he gets what he wants and I'm left with nothing I want. I have been questioning my self for months about if I did the right thing. After listening to this I have a new perspective on it so thank you 😊

[@willowoneal4084]

7:00 Jameson that's just what I was saying to myself about this connection. never stay in a connection that it makes you feel bad this is what I call being in between love and letting go.

[@ZaraUchiha13]

17:45 Everyone, listen to this and listen and repeat and listen and repeat, and come back to this and listen again. This will SAVE u a lot of time and heartbreak in your life. This is a GEM.

[@DeAnnaChoi]

It sounds like he wanted to see her so often so he could hopefully get love advice from her for free and help him heal from his last breakup! We women are not bandaids for men’s broken hearts.

[@Richiehawk]

Like seriously! 😳😳 Well, I think women can be a bandaids for men's broken heart because they're looking lots of Men out here today looking forward to that special sweet Soul to help them Heal through prolly end up happily ever after... Guess I'm right?? Literally, that was a great Conversation between 'em all.. Btw; I'm wishing you Merry Christmas and a happy week ahead 🤗, Stay happy healthy and safe friend 👍

[@aliceswarts3684]

I'm so thankful this woman wrote to you. There is so much wonderful information in this session, Matthew! This video will be a part of me having a much better 2023!! Thank you so much, all of you!

[@lalypop3094]

Same for me

[@mompreneurlife]

❤ emotional availability, and intelligence, are possibly the precursors to dating anyone seriously. Good episode ❤

[@Anoppinion]

This is a perfect occasion to bring up your brilliant tip: that he is a great person, is not the same as, does he makes you feel great. ❤

[@GwynethFelicity-xv4rn]

I started watching these videos because people recommended matthew to me, but having watched them...I find audrey's perspective and energy key. love her balancing effect.

[@wiggilytaco7570]

I think Audrey is right about this value in dating a celebrity. Wether we like it or not we would all be excited to date a celebrity and feel extra special to be included in their world. It’s definitely something that is valued but like she said, it’s already making you unhappy. Humanize him and really think about what you need.

[@frances4773]

Warning … this man is dangerous for your happiness! Matt, nailed it with the Goldilocks situation! you have said before something as spot on … some people will distract you with their chaos to avoid giving you what you need!”… mind blowing advice 😀

[@juliettehasenbar9211]

Sending love to Lisa. Hope she finds someone who is willing and able to give her what she needs to be happy and that she can leave anything less than that behind without looking back.

[@Clo_Teabot]

Clicked on this buy chance, and God did I need to hear this today. Thank you beautiful people.

[@JoyceMeagan]

Hey everyone, I had very much the same experience, and took me 5 years to get out of it. Similar set of story, a man self proclaimed he is high status and with disability, I value his talent, and it was the most depressed years of my life, still trying to get out of it. Matt got it all spot on, do listen and don't get this unnecessary pain. I wished I have seen this earlier... thanks xxx

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I am sorry you went through this painful experience. I hope you have healed and are in a better place now ❤

[@angelam211]

Oof 😥… she immediately justified his actions prior to addressing her concerns. This is a big red flag. Much easier to see it happening to someone else than recognize when it’s happening to you. And even when you do, you’ve been through all the unhealthy stages that end up keeping you there.

[@Aliena92]

Hi, would you please discuss love-bombing and future faking versus an extraverted guy being genuinely interested and emotionally expressive right from the beginning?

[@Tutume1111]

Love bombers come quickly but their excitement doesn't last long.Look if actions meet words and give it time as the flakey ones will drop off themselves

[@Aliena92]

@@Tutume1111 but they say love bombing can even be in a marriage where one partner has a hidden agenda

[@mike198383]

Having been the person who has done the Love Bombing and now realize where it comes from it is this. It usually stems from a point of view 1.Projecting what they desire and makes them feel emotionally safe. 2.Trying to form a quick connection due to having an anxious Attachment style 3.wanting to secure their hold on you so that you won't want to go to anyone else and are fighting insecurities. I have been guilty of all 3 of these situations and someone with a Secure Attachment will catch on to it really fast. Have a conversation with him and just call it out as it is and see if it screams the Extraverted side or what I have stated above. Maybe he does not even realize he is doing it and why he is doing it. I did not know until a female friend told me about it. If he is a affectionate person then he needs to be informed in order to realize how to tone it back and match your energy and become in sync.

[@Aliena92]

@@mike198383 Thank you, I appreciate your comment a lot, now I see that not always such behavior might hide some bad intentions. I don't mind anxious attachment style, since I like taking care of people and am nurturing. Also #3 is flattering, #1 is dangerous though...

[@mike198383]

@@Aliena92 So I could talk to you more about the anxious part. Being nurturing and wanting to take care of someone is a good thing but be careful with that as you can then slip in to being their mother. I just got out of a relationship where we both had the same attachment style and i see the ramifications of that. This has to be seen in Therapy which is why i'm seeking it and my eyes and knowledge have been opened up tremendously.

[@brownsugar85]

"You have your reasons, but I have my reality"

[@phillyphan8415]

I’m learning the hard way that if you don’t feel wanted in your relationship then it’s time to go. I thought she’d change eventually but she didn’t and wasn’t even trying.

[@surpriseblessings2260]

Brilliant! Her comments at the end were golden, as was the final statement. I am breaking up with him and I am 100% sure it is the right thing now. Thanks so much for your help!!!!!