Going No-Contact

[@youdontmesswitheli]

The saddest thing about going no contact with your parents is that they make it seem like a punishment against them or some form of ungratefulness. They don’t understand that going no contact is your only way to survive and preserve your mental health (sorry for my English, I’m Italian)

[@joanajacinto5310]

This. ❤

[@helpmeImpoor5314]

Very well said

[@athlene110]

Exactly! ❤ p.s. If you hadn't added the brackets at the end, I would have never known. Your writing is fluent.

[@punyashloka4946]

Exactly and everyone around us blames the survivers and never pit any accountability on behalf of the abusive parents 😒.

[@donniedoorko]

Exactly. My dad told me that my mother thinks I hate her because I went NC this year. I have to love her from a distance and it is awful. It is truly the last resort. And for the record, as another commenter said, your English is fluent, you’re doing great.

[@TipseyToes]

Saved my life: from physical violence to the emotional abuse leading me to yearn ending myself. Giving myself permission to no longer be my family's punching bag was a godsend.

[@janettemartin4604]

When THIER words make you want to DIE you walk away! God Bless your Journey! ❤

[@pam8056]

I can relate - I tried to end myself at age 11. Eleven! Can you imagine - thank god it didn't work, and I spent my whole life rebuilding myself and healing. My 22 year old son just rejected my dad's attempt at hoovering and went no contact with him, saying, "He's completely delusional and I won't be gaslit by him".

[@kalenalexisbeauty9102]

@@pam8056 I tried to do the same around the same age and then almost again at 18, I knew I had to leave. Still healing from the pain at now 26. Glad I didn't end things, now I'm a new Mom to a wonderful baby girl who's 4 months old. Life gets better. 🥹

[@ajrwilde14]

@@pam8056 Bravo, it sounds like you raised an emotionally healthy son. Good for you!

[@Li_Tobler]

I'm so glad you had it in you. Please hang around with us here on this earth, i swear it does get better 💙

[@cupofcocoawithmellows]

"so sad you want nothing to do with the family." I want nothing to do with the emotional abuse, the never addressing the issues, the accusations of something being wrong with me, and the dismissal of my emotions. I've felt invisible for years, you're just now feeling the absence of me continuing to take your behavior.

[@Arkynkili]

@@cupofcocoawithmellows All. Of. This. 👍👍👍

[@Timetomakethedonuts28]

What family?

[@ScienceReasonLove]

I found my family and it isn’t with people related to me by blood or marriage.

[@helpmeImpoor5314]

This is so accurate. "No contact" is the last straw after years and years and years of suffering trying to hang onto a relationship that never improves. I remember being a kid writing letters to a parent to express the hurt they were causing me & them never even acknowledging the letters. I can't imagine ignoring my child that way & expecting to have a lasting relationship with them.

[@gobears6487]

I so hear you... my last straw wasn't til my late 50s.

[@Hey-zl8wv]

Thank you for reminding me about the years of childhood letter writing, pouring my little heart out on the page, to only be told that the only reason I’m writing them is bc I’m a “manipulator”

[@SwiftRabbit-w7g]

I tried this tactic when I was about 16, and she wrote back utter hateful vitriol that still haunts me to this day. There's no way of communicating with them that works 🥴

[@HeatherDCD]

I did the same thing but I was too scared of my mom to give it to her so I tore up the letter and put it in the trash. She found it, put it back together and went crazy. It was one of the top shaming moments in my life for expressing my emotions the best way I knew how. I was also grounded for writing it and had everything taken away. When we went to the grocery store mom ran into a coworker and said “tell her about the letter you wrote.” I was of course silent and she gave her victim side of the story while I was silent, ashamed and humiliated. She would tell everyone who would listen what an ungrateful brat I was at home and not to let my good behavior fool them. I now know she was projecting what she was doing.

[@SwiftRabbit-w7g]

@@HeatherDCD I'm so sorry 😔 They're absolutely projecting. I lived with the shame of that particular incident up until my eldest was 16, and Mum tore her to shreds for a similar reason TO ME (not to my kid, thankfully, she wasn't stupid enough for that) It wasn't until then, that I understood just how absurd her reaction was. She fully expected me to be incensed and join in with her. Poor kid was just being a regular teenager, and I was watching her actions and just being slightly amused by them (and also thinking "how lovely")

[@michellecobb8403]

I went no contact with one of my brothers. He called me to yell at me about an imagined slight. The emotional part of my brain shut off, and I told him I loved him, but I couldn't do this anymore. I repeated it again, wished him well in his life, and hung up. To this day, I'm not sure how I was able to do it because I was an insecure, emotional young woman riddled with anxiety (because of my family), but I didn't feel anything except relief.

[@SwiftRabbit-w7g]

@@michellecobb8403 My mother called me to yell at me, when I was 40 years old, because she imagined that I wouldn't allow her to haunt my house, WHEN SHE'S DEAD, because I asked for some privacy when I was 11-12 years old 💀 It's amazing how we just reach a point where we snap and it's game over, with a few short words on our behalf. I've been pushed to that point on several occasions, like yourself also riddled with anxiety, and the relief is palpable.

[@Artlover2803]

If you felt relieved you did good.

[@shantibeefree]

Wow I needed to see your message because this is me. I feel like. I wrote the message. I went no contact with my oldest brother and still grieve that relationship I wish I had but know that the right thing for my emotional wellbeing was to say goodbye. Thank you for writing❤

[@michellecobb8403]

@shashi3072 Thank you, that's what my brain has told me ever since!

[@michellecobb8403]

@shantibeefree I'm sorry you had to do it too. The only difference between us is that I grieve a relationship that we never got to have. I tried to hang on for way too long in hopes of having a good relationship that was never going to happen. Our own emotional well-being is better off, but still painful. They may not realize it and will never thank you, but they're also better off without the drama. Hang in there!

[@niteleit]

5 decades here. And I'm finally healing.

[@kkonrad4165]

❤

[@paulsmith5360]

be very kind to yourself . xx

[@IvyHale151]

They see being cruel as "teaching you how the world works" Instead of teaching us to communicate needs, boundaries, they look us in the eye and snatch those away. "This is how the world will treat you. You are never safe. Not even from me." Because they feel cheated by something in their past, because they've been wronged, instead of protecting us, we need to feel that pain somehow And then they wonder why we never feel safe. At home. With them. Its cruelty disguised as parenting

[@emmabrooker166]

🎯

[@warchikk]

"Nobody helped US" was my mother's justification for so many things that were cruel or needlessly neglectful.

[@catmanmenace]

Sadly a lot of the time abusers don't even know how abusive they are bc it's a cycle, they think the way they were treated is what's normal and natural so they never fix their own shit and then they bring it to other people. Many of these parents don't think they're taking it out on the kids, they think "this is how I was treated and I came out fine", as if someone who 'turned out fine' would ever make a child's life miserable.

[@luzleona33]

It took me so long to do this. I did not do it for me, in the first place. I actually didn't get, that she was treating me badly, until she did it with my kid. Left her house that day crying and that was the last time she saw us. Of course, she made a scene. The whole family turned against me. It was all about her losing her grandchild, not about the neglect and abuse, I had grown up with. It took many years, but I have found peace and my child is safe. Every single step was worth it.

[@cesium7907]

You saved you child! What a wonderful thing to do.:) My mother did not, she made sure I would be abused by the other adult members of my family. Your child has a mother, I never had one.

[@melhawk1352]

I moved to another country to keep my kids safe. Good on you.

[@TXPrincessPaula]

Yep, when she mistreated my child, that was the last straw.

[@m0L3ify]

Yeah. I knew two older women who acted blindsided when their kids went no-contact. I didn't know their kids, I didn't know the history, but just knowing these two women, it wasn't too hard to eventually figure out.

[@NightElveee]

I dated one old enough to be my mother, long story, i quickly realised why her kids hated her, and had a fear strike inside me what my life would have been like, being raised by such a toxic Woman.

[@singstreetcar5881]

Never bring ur child around ur narcissistic abusive parents. Keep ur kids away from everybody in the dysfunctional family system.

[@spectre9340]

my dad has a lot of nerve for constantly complaining about his terrible childhood and then force us to hang out with his parents. I hated being around his side of the family

[@Lily-cx1vo]

My dad was mad at my brother for “being an asshole.” Apparently my brother had the audacity to call him out on the fact that he COMPLETELY forgot his granddaughters FIRST birthday. No visit, no presents, not even a card or a phone call. They only live like 20 minutes away from each other. AND my brother and his daughter share the SAME birthday which is ALSO a big national holiday - the 4th of July. Yet my brother was the asshole. My Dad’s also salty that my brother won’t let him and our step-mom my brother witnessed constantly bulling me as a teen when she entered our lives, baby sit his kids. I wonder why 😅

[@saragates2255]

@@singstreetcar5881 Nope... Never. They will not have the opportunity to continue the abuse. Removing them from our child's life was the first of many gifts we've given her in the form of protection. Kids deserve that. Just bc we didn't get that protection doesn't mean we can't give it. The cycle stops HERE.

[@anisedeer]

I’m so worried about leaving my kid alone in nyc for a day with my toxic parents but they keep insisting they are fine

[@sarahjmount9221]

@@singstreetcar5881 Great advice.

[@cloudle3359]

Through therapy I have finally realized trying to reason with my parents and hope for any kind of healthy relationship was pointless. Going no contact was the only way to remove their poison from my system. Going on 3 months and still feel physically ill about it but getting stronger every day.

[@maryannscheller636]

Its been about the same for me too. Sometimes I wake up feeling guilty, and I don't remember why...ugh. I wish you continued strength and healing

[@TaShaBeNz85]

It’s a grief process🫶🏼

[@arneliakshort]

Keep going. It took me almost 8 years to fully cut my Dad off. Once you get over the initial anxiety, you find the peace that passeth all understanding.

[@bearnuggs]

i went no contact with my father about 4-5 years ago. my parents split when i was 2, and the woman my father got remarried to, emotionally abused me and my sisters for years. my sister moved to their house around middle school age, and eventually the stuff started to happen. she spread lies and hate, she almost destroyed us. she took my sister off her liver meds and forced her onto an all liquid diet. i was too young to refuse visitation when i found this out, so we just pretended nothing happened until it was a choice. long story short, when confronted, my father said he knew what happened in his house. i don’t remember when i found that out, and i didn’t sever contact completely at first. just holiday texts etc. but after we had a get together and he said the words “it’s a shame your sister has decided to ruin our relationship” and after that all i felt was rage. i was eventually diagnosed with PTSD. i don’t think he knows we all suffered and i don’t have the strength to address him yet. it hurts often, but i’ve grown to realize they don’t deserve to be a part of my happiness. my hope in sharing this is to let you know it’s gonna hurt, no matter how bad it was, and that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do. sorry for sort of trauma dumping but i hope i helped someone at least a little bit

[@Lily-cx1vo]

“Life sucks, then you die” is something I heard all the time growing up. From family, from acquaintances as a teen, since I didn’t quite have friends. So dismissive. So invalidating. So depressing. Like what kind of attitude do you except a child to have listening to that all the time. How do you expect them to thrive and grow and look forward to life when they are constantly told nothing they do matters or will make anything better, so just look forward to the day you die when it all stops. It’s an awful attitude to impart to a child.

[@ryank6322]

I've heard that and quotes similar to it while growing up too. It's a perfect excuse for a person to make life miserable for themself and everyone else around them. Life is what you make of it, I genuinely believe that.

[@jessethepersiankitty2377]

Thank God you see how fcked up it was for them to say that.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

Yes, and unfortunately it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

[@karenglenn6707]

I read these terrible stories and it just makes me even more grateful for the parents and family that I have. Wow, I’ve never experienced this, apart from my father’s last wife, a raging narcissist and for us, who had never met anyone like that before, it was eye opening to say the least. None of her children speak to her, and the eldest took his own life in 1989 and left her an accusatory letter filled with anger and I certainly see why. My mother says that our stepmother was as maternal as a rattlesnake, which is probably offensive to the snakes. When our dad died, in another state in Australia, we didn’t even know where his body was. And it’s killed her not having access to us to bitch about, but recently she took down dad’s facebook page, the last thing that she could do to hurt us to stop us posting for his birthday etc. But there’s nothing left for the old b*tch to do to us now. Poor dad, realised too late and we think, died just to get away 😢

[@accordionSWE]

Yup, and when they conditioned you into parroting their narrative they will in the conversation shift their stance and blame you for being the family member that is putting the wet blanket over everybody.

[@kelliesmith4068]

A decades long process ... So true ... 6 decades, to be exact ... It's been 3 years since going no contact & I do not regret it.

[@gobears6487]

My timeline is so similar. What was it about parenting in the +/-70s that produced so much awful stuff?

[@joeschmo1516]

​@gobears6487 I agree. I'm in my 50s and haven't seen my parents for 18 months. It's difficult because I miss them and they are in their 80s. Not sure how much time they have left but I remind myself that I'm doing this for me.

[@FabulousCucumber-ip9hu]

These actions and words coming from the mother must be from a playbook. My mother has said all of them to me, pretty much. Last one was "I must be the world's worst mother" along with "I know you better than you know yourself". It's been a year now. My health, happiness, finances and sense of self are finally all doing so much better. ❤️

[@spicybiscuit88]

My mother's stock response whenever I'd try to bring up her past neglect or abuse was to interrupt me and say dramatically 'Oh its all my fault!!' , as if she was just an innocent bystander, and now I'm scapegoating her. The irony.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

It truly does take decades, but WOW, it feels so, so, so good when you finally can go no contact!

[@emmabrooker166]

Not necessarily. It can feel like an immediate escape from emotional, verbal and physical abuse but the pain and damage doesn’t just evaporate (unfortunately)

[@kylapollard9275]

Going no contact is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. This really shows what it’s like to do so. I’ve even broken no contact a few times. I just so badly want things to work out but I’m the one always doing the work and they’re always claiming they don’t know what’s going on. Even when I told mum she needs to do work on herself and show change before I am able to consider having a relationship with her again.

[@MagusKali]

The hardest part is when you remember any of the good moments, they tend to shake your resolve a little. They'll never see what they've done for what it is, they'll only see what enables their victim beliefs.

[@skybug1706]

Don't beat yourself up. It's not supposed to be like this, we're supposed to be able to know and love them freely. And the distance can let you love them "safely" again. It's a true grief, and a lesson nobody ought to have to learn. If you know in your heart staying away is for the best, eventually you will find the resolve for good, let yourself get there at your own pace.

[@MichelleFlanaganArtist]

I swear you just re-enacted my life.

[@theforestinthecorner]

I was thinking the same thing. There are literally exact same scenes like that.

[@csviolin0516]

Exactly. Yeah some of those quotes are directly from my mother. Thank you Patrick, great video!

[@natyspaghettighetti6726]

same!

[@Arkynkili]

@@MichelleFlanaganArtist Same

[@fillistine]

I did it in 2019. Best thing to do...EVER. At first it is hard. Then I realised I am on my own, and that is a good thing. My friends fell away. I am now realising who I am!

[@inthenebula92]

For me I never tried to fix the issues, there was no abuse anymore, I went no contact because they had never cared about me. If I didn't initiate all contact, then they didn't interact with me (they were busy giving all that love and attention to my sister). I sent them an email saying I was taking a break from them for a bit and they have never tried to talk to me again. I actually wish sometimes I had the parents that are often depicted in NC situations, because at least they have some desire to interact with you, no matter how unhealthy. If I didn't constantly try to make myself visible, they would forget I existed.

[@thenadie8]

If they can't see you they don't deserve your light. I believe you deserve love and I'm so glad you chose yourself. I'm sorry it hurts, but I know its hte best thing. I'm proud of you!

[@ryank6322]

I relate to this... that familiar feeling of being invisible. 😶

[@cesium7907]

Yes, they talk very little about when the child is "inivisible." Not seeing your child, not giving any attention is one of the ways that parental narcissism shows... probably the worst position for a child to be in... Congratulations that you went no contact, and do not expect anything from them anymore. It is a hard thing to do but you had the strength. I am sure you will find people who can give you the love you need and deserve:) You don´t have to live in the misery your narc family lives in. :)

[@MS-sr6mj]

You're not alone. Hugs

[@Flower-oi7eh]

I'm sorry you've been treated that way. I'm sure you know this, but here's a reminder in case you could use it today: The way they treated you was never because of you. You are completely deserving of all the kindness that was kept from you. You deserve genuine love and care. What they are giving to others is not that. *hugs*

[@mindkindmom]

When you tell people you are being abused by a spouse you are advised to leave but when you say your parents were abusive so you left and went no contact, people will admonish you 'They are your parents, you must not do that. This twisted logic adds layers and layers of guilt and shame to adult childhood trauma survivors which is so hard to overcome.

[@yarnbomber2166]

No contact can also mean walking right past their headstone. I would never do it, but I sure think about one particular rude act every time I walk by. Come up out of the ground and tell me I'm going to Hell one more time.

[@kriskeena9438]

Piss on that!😉

[@learningisfun2108]

Never be afraid of hell. It is a made-up concept to keep people afraid and inside a religion. It is nonsense. I was a Christian but was never afraid of the hells of other religions. Then I realized that the Christian hell is just as real as all those others…… as in “not real at all”. Have peace. Leave the idea of hell behind.

[@MaximilianonMars]

If you don't want to go to Hell, it's easy to avoid it. No pressure on you, the Lord is the Saviour, not us. Once saved, you can never lose your eternal life because it's God that guarantees it, not us. I have a clear gospel presentation from a trustworthy pastor. Look and live.

[@Inug4mi]

Yup, that’s all of it in a nutshell. In my experience the parent gets more and more unhinged the older they get as well.

[@sarahmartin7181]

I remember talking to my doc who was a psychiatrist and he understood the dynamics. My mother had wanted me to go to family therapy. I was explaining that idea made me physically sick - because I knew my mother wanted me to accept responsibility for everything and she wouldn't. I had spent years of my life learning how to talk to her, and then was insulted because I had gone to therapy. She dragged me to her therapist when I was a teen so he could tell me to be better and my mom would like me. Dr. MacCallum said "you need to do individual therapy separately for at least 6 months before you do family therapy. And if she won't go for that you need to go no contact." He also told me to be prepared to go no contact. And I told my mother what I wanted, I told her I loved her and that I desperately wanted a relationship with her, and I said that if I got off the phone and she would not go to therapy that we would go no contact. And she told me she had a meeting to go to. Those were the last words I spoke to my mother. She died 2 years ago and I'm okay.

[@accordionSWE]

You put the finger on a very important truth. In a dysfunctional family system it is very common that the wrong person ends up in therapy.

[@moscowcowboy_13]

This mirrors my life so much it is actually kind of weird, but that actually makes it even more reaffirming that it was necessary for me to go no contact with my mom. I want so much to have a relationship with her, to hold her, hug and kiss her and tell her nice things, but we don't have a relationship. She doesn't want that kind of thing with me. She is broken.

[@naheenisapoet69]

Just know that parents are human beings too, albeit broken. I think before they die, you should at least help them with some finances if needed

[@imjustjules]

Woah “life sucks and then you die” was the motto of a family member I’m no contact with… it’s weird how there’s so many similar themes in these people too. Like I grew up thinking my family was just “different” but it’s so common how they interact with each other / the world, apparently

[@cuekinaja]

I had to get physically sick and suicidal for a couple of months before I decided to go no contact.

[@laurahardgrove955]

I hope things are much better for you now. I picked my family. It contains some blood family members, and some friends that are compatible souls. This works way better for me.

[@PortlandKennedy]

Same here, got Hashimoto’s and Lyme disease and before I actually got treatment (I was EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME) she spread rumors that I was a lazy drug addict. Turns out autoimmune disease is actually caused by childhood abuse. The higher your ace score, the more likely to suffer from some type of autoimmune disease or disorder.

[@julieobrien4056]

I don’t know if I even have a right to comment here, but here goes. I grew up in a wonderful home with a wise and kind mother and loving siblings (for the most part… I mean there were normal sibling squabbles, but mom taught us to be kind to each other). I just have to say how sorry I am for what you have all both experienced, and missed out on. Blessings on you all, especially for breaking the cycle and protecting your own children. I’ve only just recently become aware of what so many of you deal with. My daughter has a roommate whose parents are like this. She left home and moved across the country to move in with my daughter who she says is the big sister she always wanted. It’s heartbreaking to see her surprise and even shock when we act a certain way, and she says “is that normal?” because there’s love and understanding. I don’t know if there’s any lingering feelings of guilt after you choose to go no contact, but please know there’s one person out here who applauds you, for your courage and your determination to take control of your own mental health, and not own THEIR problems. You are amazing. ❤

[@mayamartin7359]

You absolutely have a right to comment and your thoughts are most welcome. Maybe I can only speak for myself, but hearing from people like you, feeds the starving spark of hope in my soul that there are decent people and real genuine loving families out there. I gave up on love years ago because it’s so difficult for me to believe I could ever be married to someone who actually deserves to be part of my daughter’s life. Blessings on you and your family. 🥹

[@karenglenn6707]

I have been very fortunate too with my parents and family. It’s awful to know how so many children have been mistreated, abused and gaslit their entire lives. I cannot pretend to know how it is, but the victims certainly have all of my compassion and empathy. No one deserves to be treated in that way.

[@dariabondavalli4070]

The saddest part of all this, is realizing that I never had I will never have that understanding and feeling of protection from my mother and my father. They always just fed their toxic relationship and that is it. Even with my sister I cannot have that feeling of sistehood that I wanted and tried so many times to built with her. The emptiness that those dynamics leave in you is real, and radical acceptance is need it and it is also a long process. I am still talking to my mother but pratically is like I am not really talking to her, just talking about nothing really and I think that is not good either. With my dad I pratically have no conversation at all.

[@thenadie8]

Grey rock is safety. They don't deserve our soft sides. That is earned.

[@pam8056]

We have to directly and overtly give ourselves the parental love and support we didn't and won't get no matter how cheesy it feels- tell yourself "I'm proud of you", "You did a great job", "I love you and you matter" tell yourself and be for yourself the loving parent you never had. Taking time to rest, let yourself have a break, do something fun, say, "It's ok, you tried" get sleep, shower, cancel the self-criticism. I think, "How would I lovingly parent a daughter" and I actively do it for myself. "You were kind to your co-worker today, I appreciate that in you". I'm 55 with a wonderful, supportive husband and 22 y.o. son, and I'm still figuring it out and working on it every day. Went no contact 8 years ago - I survived, and then escaped. Best, and hardest, decision, and I am determined to shake off the effects of abuse and turn my trials into wisdom and strength.

[@dariabondavalli4070]

@@pam8056 Thank you

[@dariabondavalli4070]

@@thenadie8 Thank you

[@mayamartin7359]

Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry you went (go) through that. It’s kind of affirming for me to hear - I’m a surviving twin and only child of divorced parents (one neglectful one covert) and occasionally I still feel lonely as an only, but I have to remind myself that with the parents I have, even if I had a sibling I never would have been allowed to be truly close to them anyway. I know how much it hurts to have them not make effort, and to feel invisible like that. Perhaps it is better in the long run - to not have to continually rebuff … but I’m not sure it gives any more peace, because then you’re struggling with their absence. I think we are in rather a lose-lose situation there.

[@lallyk3945]

Wow! Seeing this acted out in a timeline like this. Just the years of trying to be heard. Essentially, the child has been the adult for the entire relationship. No wonder I'm so exhausted!

[@Ghost-gr1bt]

"the child has been the adult for the entire relationship" really put something into words that I've been struggling to articulate since i was a that child, thank you

[@Dietdeprogrammer]

My mom was the chief narcissist in my family structure. She passed on in January’21. Then 2 years later my younger brother(golden child) stabbed me in the back, after years of struggling to have a relationship with him but being the subject of his narcissistic tendencies, my father took his side and we had a huge blow out. Haven’t spoken to either of them in a year and a half. Aside from a small amount of guilt I feel for my father, my life has been much much better. I keep reminding myself that it’s better this way. My relationship with my father has always been strained. He and my brother are very materialistic and in their eyes I don’t have enough. By the way, I’m married almost 30 years and have 2 amazing children. My brother is in a tumultuous marriage and has 1 son(who I feel sorry for),has serious substance abuse issues and my sister has never even been in a long term relationship, much less been married. Lol. These last 5 years have been an eye opener for me to say the least. Coming to the realization that I have an eating disorder as a result of my moms narcissism, realizing the dysfunctional family structure that existed, and healing from all that, and then the external environment of the world political structure and what they’re trying to do to our freedoms keeps me busy as heck.

[@thenadie8]

I feel like our political battles are narcs vs the compassionate. Its fecking triggering when ppl say that the narc is a selfless person who we should be grateful is trying to "help" us

[@cesium7907]

Politics. Some scientists think that the fact that we have not been able to find any life in space is because of the so called Great Filter. The hypothesis is that there is a barrier that prevents life from developing beyond a certain point. What the barrier is they don´t know. The Great Filter does so that even though life develops, something always happens so that everything dies... And then I found a comment somewhere, it was in a video about narcissism, where someone said that the Great Filter could be human narcissism. The evil in us. There is narcissism in all of us, to some degree. We are a selfish species. And evil. Not everybody is narcissist of course; and most of us strive to be good people, i.e. emphatic and accountable. But some of us are narcissistic to the extent that their selfishness and destructive behavior forms what is called the Great Filter. (And what comes to the rest of us, even if we try to be decent, we usually fall into the categories of either enablers or scapegoats... roughly. Which is not enough to stop the "filtering" process.) Like now us humans are destroying our planet with pollution, war and extinction of other species. Some of us try to prevent it, to protect nature and animals, and change our own behavior. It is not enough when there are so many who don´t care, or don´t care enough. We are more or less selfish. And the worst among us, the ones to whom the label "narcissist" fits (or even "psychopath"), give the final blow... (Sorry about my English, it is not my native language)

[@cesium7907]

@@thenadie8 I agree.

[@cesium7907]

Some scientists think that the fact that we have not been able to find any life in space is because of the so called Great Filter. The hypothesis is that there is a barrier that prevents life from developing beyond a certain point. What the barrier is they don´t know. The Great Filter does so that even though life develops, something always happens so that everything dies... And then I found a comment somewhere, it was in a video about narcissism, where someone said that the Great Filter could be human narcissism. The evil in us. There is narcissism in all of us, to some degree. We are a selfish species. And evil. Not everybody is narcissist of course; and most of us strive to be good people, i.e. emphatic and accountable. But some of us are narcissistic to the extent that their selfishness and destructive behavior forms what is called the Great Filter. (And what comes to the rest of us, even if we try to be decent, we usually fall into the categories of either enablers or scapegoats... roughly. Which is not enough to stop the "filtering" process.) Like now us humans are destroying our planet with pollution, war and extinction of other species. Some of us try to prevent it, to protect nature and animals, and change our own behavior. It is not enough when there are so many who don´t care, or don´t care enough. We are more or less selfish. And the worst among us, the ones to whom the label "narcissist" fits (or even "psychopath"), give the final blow... (Sorry about my English, it is not my native language)

[@le_th_]

@@thenadie8 It is those who lack a healthy degree of empathy for others against those who have the ability to empathize with others.

[@REJ5557]

So true. It took the death of my husband to make me wake up and accept that my family was never there for me and never would be.

[@amitkriit]

Maybe there is another side of this story.

[@REJ5557]

@@amitkriit do you mean the side of the story of a childhood of physical and sexual abuse, emotional and psychological abuse, neglect and turning me into the family scapegoat? Is that the other side that you mean?

[@Dhibdic]

My mom told my guy friend at my wedding that she was surprised he and I never ended up together. Then my sister hooked up with said guy friend that night. Wild times.

[@kellygreenii]

Serious boundary problems. My condolences….

[@annehedonia156]

​@@kellygreenii Guy friend hooked up with her, too.

[@ajrwilde14]

Sounds like your sister is trying to get your mother's approval?

[@kellygreenii]

@@ajrwilde14 It happens.

[@fairygurl9269]

Here's to Suffering Less & Future You Being an Authentically Safer Person For Those Looking To You For Guidance As Well

[@legospaceracer123]

The first one hit hard. When my dad died my mom started dating quickly and would bring all of the guys she dated to the house. It would make me so uncomfortable and angry whenever they turned out to be a jerk to her. It hurt that she didn't care that it made me uncomfortable having strangers in what I thought was my safe space.

[@porterlockwood2032]

I have been there. I see you. I feel you. It was the one vow I made to myself, that I would never do that to my children. So far, so good. I am so sorry we both have lived that way for part of our childhood. I hope you are well.

[@annedas2726]

Hey Patrick. This video is immensely valuable for survivors to get validation about their decision to finally go no contact. It also points out that we kept trying since childhood but eventually had to go no contact because boundaries or feedback never worked. The narcissistic family never realized that it is they who abandon us by invalidating and devaluing us for many years. The irony is that only survivors who have been through this will understand the disturbing emotions that one experiences when your scenarios are played out in their lives. The audience otherwise will likely not understand how painful the experience is when you are enacting the scenarios. All that matters is survivors understand this and keep maintaining no contact. May the divine be with us all. Thank you for your continued efforts in exposing and explaining this crazy making cycle!!

[@pushista9322]

Love it! Wonderful video! I've been no contact for 8 years now with mother and 3 years with father. They are long divorced but both failed me in their own ways. She's an abusive bipolar and he's a neglecting alcoholic. I feel seen with your channel, Patrick!

[@MomentumCrafter]

I’m not going “no contact” because I don’t have the heart to do that to my mom. But, I decided I will not host her in my house when she comes to the country to visit. She spent two weeks here last time and I was completely miserable. Never stoped nagging, complaining, making passive aggressive comments, and just pushing all my buttons non end! Life is too short.

[@alycran]

Setting boundaries is a great option❤ better than no contact in many cases, in my opinion

[@ajrwilde14]

Do what works for you.

[@PaulaZF]

My youngest child went no contact with me and my husband three years ago. I have come to realize how harmful my behavior was to them. They were truly traumatized by my behavior. I am also apologizing to the friends I’ve lost for being such a b:tch. (It’s okay to say that word because I’m talking about myself.) I am staying away from that child per their request. I hope they can heal. I am not looking for sympathy or understanding. Suggestions… maybe. I hope that someday I’ll be able to go to a tiny bit of contact with them. In this life time.

[@karadair9221]

I'm in no way qualified to tell you what you should do (nor would I want to), but I'd really like to acknowledge your courage, willingness, and determination to take responsibility and evolve. Congratulations, that's no mean feat! And who knows? Your youngest may come round some day. But therein lies the rub - it's a 50/50 chance at this point. All the very best to you 💜

[@alycran]

❤

[@ajrwilde14]

Maybe you could just reach out to them just to apologise and then leave it, see what they do...give them notice first. Blessings to you. X

[@PaulaZF]

@@ajrwilde14 unfortunately they have cut me off totally. My son does keep me up to date on how they are doing. But when I’ve asked him to ask them if I can just send an apology letter, they say no. I don’t have an address either. Sometimes I do meditations where I try to send them love. I won’t stop doing that. But for now that’s all I can do. Thank you everyone for your responses.

[@ajrwilde14]

@@PaulaZF this is unusual! My mother contacted me through a third party asking to send me a letter and I said she can apologise to me first before I'm interested in anything else and she hasn't; your situation sounds different though - perhaps a letter is too much initially, maybe just tell your son to tell them that you are sorry and leave it at that, they may not be ready for more until they've had time to process it

[@tabithahunter5197]

I left at 18 for another country. Told them I wasn't coming back and they were responsible for their own elder care. Tried over the years to reconcile. Same ish, diff day. Never had kids to protect my unborn kids from them. Now they're old & sick. I can't talk to them on the phone. I email & snail mail one, snail mail the other and just set up an email just for them that I can delete if necessary.

[@lynne4865]

Spot on 🙌🏿 especially when they act blind sided and surprised after years of abusive behaviour. I was over it at 32 years. Life is peaceful and I think that got the message once I stopped responding or seeing them. Great visual representation.

[@benu_bird]

I went NC with my mother at 30. It was the same with her. I sent her a letter. She then called my house and started screaming into the answering machine. She then called my husband at work to scream at him. When he calmly told her not to contact us again, she screamed “after everything I’ve done for that girl!” I never looked back.

[@MsGigi777]

Adore you, Patrick! Thank you for always validating & affirming us! ❤

[@themasterkey21]

Getting them to accept the no-contact is also a decades long process. My "parent" simply decides that it's been too long and shows up unannounced to my home. Today this "parent" let themself into my home while I was sleeping, violently banged on my bedroom door almost giving me a heart attack, then proceeded to bust in the door when I refused to answer it - then with a completely straight face asked me why I'm not talking to them.

[@helpmeImpoor5314]

That's horrible. I'm so sorry

[@themasterkey21]

@@helpmeImpoor5314 thank you , I really needed that

[@thenadie8]

Change the locks and restraining order Literally violently physically trespassing alll your boundaries. Jfc.

[@MsGigi777]

This seems literally unreal to me. Like something out of a movie scene. Horrible. Change the locks and threaten to call the cops. Jeez.

[@themasterkey21]

@@thenadie8 I live with a sibling , also a narc , and flying monkey of my narc parents , it would 100x more chaos if I changed the locks , and my sibling would probably just end up giving them new keys. But I did some searching and found some door reinforcing locks for my bedroom door that supposedly withstand 800lbs of pressure , I bought 3 💀

[@kathleen6088]

Thank you for this most illuminating and succinct enactment of a complex issue.

[@LindsayLoo-q5d]

Yes this has gone on a long time. People have no idea unless they lived through it themselves.

[@SusanKG]

I knew things were becoming unbearable when every time my mother called I would have violent diarrhea. Every fiber of my being was experiencing stress and overwhelming anxiety. When the doorbell unexpectedly rang, I was sure it was her (she had done it before), I rolled out of bed and hit the floor. My heart was racing and I was terrified of a confrontation. It felt like PTSD. I had nightmares for years about her. I would wake up in a cold sweat with tears streaming down my face. I always understood that defying her would come at a cost, but not even I could have predicted the depth of her rage and instability. She finally died this year at 94, threatening self harm to the nursing staff (a favorite ploy of hers) all the way to the bitter end. She never stopped her smear campaign against me either. To be the object of so much hatred and discontent felt like a brush with evil itself!

[@laurahardgrove955]

I wish you had a better mother during those years. Everyone deserves loves and it sounds like she didn't know how. I hope your life is much better now, and in the future.

[@cathryndeyn9]

It WAS ptsd/cptsd! I had physical symptoms too. Our bodies are amazing indicators alerting us to the dangers.... thankfully, or I may have stayed and tolerated it for longer than I did. I wish you peace! ❤

[@naturelover1284]

Yes leaving is a good thing but there's still a voice in your head in the morning and everyone thinks you're awful because you saved yourself save yourself

[@dweezleboss]

It was instant in my case. There were years of confusion yes, and then a moment of blinding clarity and i finally understood and ended it

[@kellygreenii]

The details are different, but the experience of being emotionally invisible and no one ever apologizing or honoring my boundaries? Exemplifies what my relationship with my mother was like. Right down to her not “understanding”.

[@gobears6487]

Same (father). So great to have Patrick to validate things and explain etc 👍

[@sarahjmount9221]

Yes, Patrick. You’re right as usual. It took me until my early 50’s to go no contact with my parents, a step mother, and my entire family (even both sides of my extended families). I tried so hard with my parents, though, my entire life. I just wanted their love and acceptance. They wanted to continue using and abusing. They did have a choice, too. I watched them treat others well. They hid how they treated me to other people. So, they knew what they were doing was wrong. I was hoping for them to change all of that time; or to at least get an apology or an admission of what they had done to me my whole life. That was never going to happen. Apologies don’t work anyway in helping to heal unless they come along with the person changing - meaning doing a 180. That almost doesn’t ever happen, either. So, going no contact was really the only way I could go into a successful recovery process. I’ll always be a work in progress but it’s been the best thing I could ever have done for myself. Thank you for all you do. I have much appreciation and gratitude for your knowledge and work that you share so freely with all of us who need it. ❤

[@LBoopSnoot]

How did you know that today I have drafted a text to my Dad and stepmom for being abusive toward me and my husband, and since we have a baby on the way, I am drawing a line they can no longer cross. I am moving.

[@Hlthysqrl76]

Not to mention mix PA, EA, disdain and criticism every step of the way. One day you wake up and realize your whole life is about begging for love and understanding from the people who were supposed to feel that way all along but only did the opposite. If you try to explain it they lash back in rage. Then when you go NC they tell everyone who will listen what a horrible person you are and they have no idea what they did. If I would have only told her..

[@skybug1706]

They're so hurt (or just angered) by it, they never consider respecting it is their last chance to caretake you right.

[@saturdayschild8535]

It was nice of him to tell her he was going no contact. I could never with any of my family that I have severely limited contact with now.

[@laurahardgrove955]

I went limited contact but didn't announce it because it would just start a fight.

[@CandisClassicGameShrine]

Pretty much my situation with my mother. You reacted way better than my mom did when I said I was done though. 4 years of freedom now and I ain’t goin back.

[@nicolepasekagrundmeier]

I actually jumped at 0:52. My abusive mother, precisely. (Anyone else with childhood trauma still have a startle reflex like a newborn?)

[@onelittledropintheocean]

Still do at 53 years old 🙄 We must've been frickin terrified 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@cupcaketv5673]

0:30 Most of this hits home and this- 💀 this is just- I guess I'm gonna give it an extra mention bc of how entitled she is. Once in a while she'd say she knows MORE than any psychologist, says SHE could rather tell THEM something about life instead of the other way around. This power fantasy of hers would be hilarious to me if it weren't so frustrating at the same time.

[@samlynx2016]

Yep, my dad was "blindsided" because it "came out of nowhere" when I went no contact with him. After all the years of me physically walking away from him saying, "I don't need/deserve to be treated like this" and he would stomp and repeat me in a severely disgustedz mocking tone. After he was court ordered to not see my brother and I for over a year. After dozens of times of me telling him my mom should be allowed to have her own phone, he was the one that cheated, never her. So much more. Yep, real shocker, totally blindsided him.

[@lalloronadelmuerto9156]

Did this at 22--am 26. Everyone who's related to me wants me to let the ppl back in but I have refused.

[@ajrwilde14]

Same for me but at 29.

[@TheCyancheese]

Same for me. Was not a decades long thing because i am only two decades old.

[@Earl_E_Burd]

"Life's a bit**, then ya die!" Heard that one many times growing up, from both sides of the family. Can't say they were wrong, but funny hearin' it again. Patrick nailed every response!

[@thenadie8]

They make it a Bit** and then they complain. They are the ones making life so terrible

[@cnoor30]

Thank you Patrick you’re amazing ❤

[@TheMarshallMalone]

I’ve had to do this several times throughout my adulthood. I’ve felt like the adult. It’s hard, but it gets easier. I just pray that my relationship with my own kids is better.

[@MS-sr6mj]

Don't pray. Read books, get therapy.

[@gobears6487]

I left the area and moved far away at 22, knowing I needed to be far away from my father, who I thought just had different views. Fast forward to 50+ and I'm realizing it's more than that. Then he caused a traumatic episode and still I hadn't figured it out. Finally a therapist (who I didn't really get on with to be fair) said something that made things fall into place more. I later figured out all the issues stemmed from narcissism. And yet I visited regularly because of my mother. Then at 58 he caused another trauma and I finally found my boundaries and went to snail mail contact only. A huge relief.

[@themaggattack]

Jeeze it's TOO relatable. This is a calmer, less messy synopsis of it, but basically it's the same old story so many of us have been through.

[@luken9263]

So accurate even down to the age she made a scene at the wedding.

[@katherinetomasello3661]

A dysfunctional parent would never react that calmly to being excluded

[@selilatte]

39 here, no magical thinking.

[@fireupyourheartfortruth]

Great Skit and too accurate for many of us. Super glad younger generations have more access to information to preserve their futures and their mental stability.

[@ellinorglorioso2247]

No contact has taken me a whole lifetime....letting go of father then mother now brother/sister this year. I had to let go of any hope that they would change and be loving towards me. I couldn't trust them even if they did reach out, trying to make contact. One waits in the hope of having warm relationships with family members until one by one that hope finally fades and dies. It took almost my entire life time to see this.What was right in front of me took decaders and reality.Distance helps, but the emotional letting go is the true freedom.

[@porterlockwood2032]

Yes, yes. The emotional freedom. I gave myself permission to be honest as a gift at 40. I didn’t know that gift would lead to no contact with mother and brother by 50. A painful but good place to be. I have been without them, without the relationship I wanted with them for the longest time in reality. I really just put a name to it, called it what it was and gave myself permission to do with them what I would for anyone else who treated me that way. Walk away. I hope you are well.

[@colywogable]

This is such a helpful reminder! We beat ourselves up for not doing it a long time ago, but it takes that long. It is normal!

[@iamafairyqueen]

I’m soooooo relieved I chose to not have kids. I look back and know those poor babies would have been exposed to them, and a version of me still trying to survive them.

[@vblock_zaza]

im not in contact for like 11 years so far and never want to come back

[@ajrwilde14]

11 years for me in October!

[@vblock_zaza]

@@ajrwilde14 we both legends

[@tuneinwithtrae]

I’m 33 years old and finally I feel at peace. Going no contact was the best decision for my healing and growth.

[@BodyOfMyGuitar]

This made me cry. But it was helpful.

[@cesium7907]

Million thanks Patrick:)

[@Shortstacksandticktacks]

I would never communicate my inner world with my parents. They would humilate me for having feelings. I finally had my own kid and backed away.

[@Mischievous_Moth]

I went no-contact with my own mother last spring, and it was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. My mental health is better and I feel like I'm really catching up in areas where I was developmentally stunted for the longest time.

[@pam8056]

So true, and the abusive parents paint themselves as the victims. I have no obligation to worry about or change their distorted reality. My success is moving on and being happy and free.

[@herbalina]

You're so sensitive! Yeah mom, no wonder.

[@tinselandtapshoes]

I started no contact with my sister last Saturday. It is early days and I know I will end up seeing her at family events but I am proud of myself. I went over to her house to pick her up. About 2 minutes in she started yelling at me, threatening me that she wouldnt go anymore, how I was rude to her when I walked in, how she has feelings and I'm ignoring them. I don't like confrontation so I sat in silence. This attack went on for quite a while, and in the end I just walked out and left while she was still fuming. The thing is, I can see how we were both in the wrong. I can see how what I said could be taken as rude but that doesn't mean that I deserved to be treated as awfully for it, so she was definitely in the wrong too (and this over years and years). But I know she won't ever see it that way. She is right and I am wrong, and that is all there is. I also recognise that her way of dealing with our childhood neglect is with anger, whereas mine is to shut down. It might only be a small breakthrough but I feel like it's the beginning of my healing journey, and I'm proud of me for that.

[@sharonthompson672]

It took over six decades, I hope the next generation learns from the past. Thanks Patrick. 👍♥️

[@mandy5478]

Im their worst nightmare. Not only did I go no contact but decided not to have children because of the severe trauma and abuse from them. Best part is, I’m the one with the issues. I’m the problem. Always have been. Now at least I know why I was the scapegoat. May they both face divine justice for the hell they’ve put us all through one day.

[@biTHICCCus]

About to reach 1 full year of no contact with my mother. My sister moved in with me so that we both could get away from her. Sometimes i worry and feel guilty like "what if my mom is sick and dying the next time i hear about her?" I try to not think about it. But the guilt bubbles up sometimes.

[@warchikk]

This might be morbid or just another version of empty chair work, but when I'm driving, I draft what I would say if I were to give my father's eulogy, as real-talk. I find I feel a lot better about my no contact decision after imagining telling a bunch of people what it was really like being his kid.

[@joanneb3524]

My parents and brother went no contact with me at age 33. It was supposed to teach me a lesson and straighten me up. I saw it as an open door to freedom and never looked back. Best decision ever!

[@Seajunkie]

ALL of this… it’s too familiar from both parents…

[@newmamaful]

Thank you for this. Your channel is actually a healing ministry.

[@ShamelessLainLover]

"Sometimes, life sucks and you keep living."

[@dwlsn93]

Don’t wait until you’re 52 like I did. Save yourself early on & don’t let them back in - just like a bad relationship- when you break it off, keep it off. THEY will NEVER change. I broke it off with my mom at 35, but I let her back in a year later. It took me 17 years to go no contact the second time. She never understood, nor did she care how her toxic actions & words destroyed those around her.

[@Crazy_Cat_Lady_13]

That final screen sums it up perfectly. Thank you for your validation - over 4 decades, still early stages, still incredibly difficult

[@napstablook3935]

this is so sad, but in a bittersweet way i'm glad to know at least i'm not alone, its validating looking at all these comments and the video being so spot on... so many people go through this, i'm not the crazy one.

[@AFRoobitHere]

Going no contact is very similar to a DV survivor escaping their marriage/relationship. Lots of planning & prepping after years of struggling how to fix things, how to change yourself to fit until you realize “I got to leave or they’ll unalive me one way or another. There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s them.”

[@Yoraeryu]

It sucks so fucking much. I told my mother I was done, I needed space, and two months went by before I contacted her again. She revealed she was stopped by others from buying a plane ticket to show up at my door to "talk things out," despite already talking things out for years, over and over. And she had the audacity to tell others that I wasn't talking to her, but that she didn't know what she did to upset me to make me do this to her. I've resisted talking to her since. I hate this.

[@NatalieZii]

This is so perfectly representative. I’ve had people ask me what led me to not speaking to my father and it wasn’t any one incident, it was who he was as a person and how horrible he made me feel.

[@idolyst]

I went no contact at 25 and I'm 27 now and I wonder if I made a mistake sometimes, but other times I am blinded by rage of what happened. I guess the rage answers my question.

[@saikoutheguardian]

I went no contact with my father about 5 years ago. I'm 37. Just too many instances of not being heard, neglected, the drinking and driving, and blaming my mom for everything since they divorced nearly 20 years ago.

[@antjestr1047]

I just had to go no contact as the scapegoat...my stepmother turned everyone against me (& abused me in all kinds of ways)...I am especially so disappointed by my enabling dad...not only didnt he protect me, but he didnt and doesnt tell people/family and friends the truth...he does nothing (no explaining, no apologizing, nothing) & he is still with my psychopathic narcissistic stepmother and plays the victim .... it still hurts a bit, even if I accepted that he wont change, because he does not care if I am in his life or not

[@spaceclowns6312]

My father pulled the "oh so I'm just the worst parent in the world" card after he screamed at me until I had a meltdown in public, and I just said "no, but you're definitely in first place right now". Almost 5 years no contact!!

[@Crystalquartz964]

It's even harder when you're Trauma Bonded to your mother

[@nicholastrickel6917]

Ive been attempting this with my father. And in just a week my sister calls me to tell me he hadba heart attack and is possibly going in to have heart surgery.. people are saying to call him incase he dies butbi feel like nobone cares why i went no contract to begin with..

[@Fauntleroy.]

If your parent lives, there will always be another reason they or other family members can give for why you must break your no-contact stance now. They don't care and don't respect it and probably don't even understand it, so you have to. Put your own wellbeing first now. You're worth it. ❤

[@dweezleboss]

The old "you'll regret it after they're dead" ha. It's been 3 years and I'm still relieved if I think about him at all.

[@nicholastrickel6917]

@@Fauntleroy. Thank you,

[@Gizzy9987]

Went no contact with my mom at 21 and have no intention of going back✌🏻