Your Kid's Non-Negotiable Needs

[@Day_byday]

[ 4 non-negotiable needs ] 1. having a secure attachment with parent 2. rest - doing nothing to make the relationship work (unconditional love) 3. be able to experience all emotions 4. free spontaneous play out in nature

[@sunnyday4055]

One of the best things I’ve learned about having a baby is: slow down. We go through life in such a hurry with everything deadlines and exams and due dates when kids come we treat milestones as dead lines we NEED to finish by. When I had my first son he completely refused to sleep in a cot by himself and i tried every single method to encourage him. I imagined myself as these mothers with no boundaries who has her six year old in the bed with her. Then I just gave up trying i opened his cot and put it adjacent to our bed whenever he woke up he used to crawl to us and sleep next to me he did that every night. When he turned 2 I put his cot in his room and put him in his cot he kissed me good night and went to sleep Been sleeping in his own ever since.

[@6886butterfly]

If i see Dr. Gabor Mate’s name on a title i quickly click on it and listen to him because i know an imperfect parent like me will learn a lot from him. Thank God for people like him. For his wisdom and the courage to share it🙏🏻☝🏻

[@thescowlingschnauzer]

At about 11:15 Gabor Maté lists the 4 needs as attachment, relationship, rest (times when the relationship does not depend on them), and play.

[@vnessa9481]

The third is the need to experience all the emotions (around 9:03). At 11:15 he missed it out in his recap. What he said was the attachment relationship as one thing then rest and then he went to number 4

[@whowantsusernames]

Listening to Gabor talking about the right to the full range of emotions has my stomach in knots, because my 3yo has recently been asking me to role play some scenes from the montessori preschool he's been in for 2 months, and I just about burst out crying when he told me that only silent crying is allowed in his school and that his teacher tells him "you are not quiet" when he cries from missing his parents, and that his parents want him to "be happy and smile". I've suspected that the "calm environment where kids help kids" is potentially oppressive, and I knew he was depressed, but I didn't know it was this bad. Not only can he not cry when he needs to, but I think a loud laugh from joy would be corrected as well. I thought I could protect him by paying a fortune to put him in a gentle, high-quality environment. It is so hard to find childcare that is not going to traumatize our kids. 😢

[@heatherwallace3397]

Sleep training… you don’t have to leave the room and shut the door. You don’t even have to leave the baby’s side. The baby is upset because they aren’t used to the change (laying baby down awake instead of feeding to sleep.) So you can be there with your baby and support your baby emotionally.. and your baby may not stop crying at all as you’re shushing and providing gentle touch, but that doesn’t mean the situation is wrong. The cortisol level rises. And the cortisol level lowers. And you can see that their breathing and heart rate slows down. And you are connecting FULLY with the child the next day which as you said mitigates any negative effects. (Thank you for saying that!)

[@InkblottedPages-sz1be]

Kids “act out” when they don’t have their needs met. Basic needs 8:00 1)Secure attachment -emotional 2) rest -knowing they don’t need to constantly do something in order to make the relationship work “I love you if you’re compliment” 3)the ability to experience all emotions 4) free spontaneous play in nature

[@juliaglanville8625]

Great dialogue and meeting of minds! I hope this connection continues.

[@Roloves-frank]

The conversation about resilience is eye-opening. The meaning of “rest” is huge. 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 The discussion on sleep training and empathy are warming my heart.

[@lilitheve6118]

Thank You both so much I cried and smiled cried again and then ☺ So much Love 😍 My hand is on my heart and even though I struggle on the outside I remain good on the inside Have prepared a special breakfast 🥣 for my 8 year old boy and my 65 year old mom I really really really needed to hear this talk Thanks Again and so many blessings to both of you your families and all the others and theirs listening 👂 into this talk . You are loved From #SouthAfrica

[@canoar520]

❤ parenting is a non-stop learning🫶 amazing content 🤩I had goosebumps 🙏🏽 I am so happy I am doing the right thing to my son , knowledge confirms our instincts 🫶

[@zaidabuffkins6149]

Two of the very best minds of our time❤❤❤

[@nooshnabi9248]

Very useful and helpful. Thanks so much!

[@nl7247]

Love Dr Mate and Dr Becky’s works and messages a lot. Thank you. ❤

[@nirvanafreedom4141]

Thank you ❤❤❤

[@ummizaansabir4869]

Yes I did that for my child! When she was crying herself to sleep I was crying in the shower! I am from Ethiopia we don’t have a such thing! I thought I was being smarter than my parents!!!😢😢😢😢😢😢 I learned now they are right and I was wrong

[@killa46464]

I agree totally with this interpretation & perception of the human social condition in a modern society ! 👌🏼thank you for the podcast . ❤

[@jod5834]

thank you!

[@ysteinberg6482]

Loved it - thank you very much! You should have strength to continue your important task.

[@mindzeyelovellution]

This is great. I would love to hear more from the 2 of you together!

[@heatherdaly1220]

What a great collab, thank you so much!

[@MarinaKor3011]

Thank you! It was an amazing talk!

[@joanneross5575]

There’s so much more about the sleep training method I wonder if Gabor knows how it is even done. You don’t just leave the room and they’re on their own. I hope that you are both versed in the training. These babies wake up happy and well rested. I respect both of you.

[@karacole2304]

Look into the work of Greer Kirshenbaum, a mother and neuroscientist. She wrote an excellent book called The Nurture Revolution. It’s a must!

[@abbyk36]

100% agree with this comment. The vast majority of the research shows that sleep training does not harm the child. It should only take a few days and if the child is still crying a lot, the parent is not doing the training correctly. Independent sleep needs to be taught to some kids and most parents don’t enjoy being their child’s sleep crutch.

[@marianemashkalo4182]

​@@abbyk36why have a child if you see them as a burden? don't want to hug, breastfeed,rock to sleep, soothe... Be childfree then. Sleep training is torture. How exactly is research done?

[@abbyk36]

@@marianemashkalo4182 a simple google search on “baby sleep training studies” should kick you right off your high horse. Babies sleep better and parents are happier.

[@michamuller5656]

Brilliant!!!

[@gretchenfrank3647]

Guilt free education. Thank you!

[@canoar520]

Incredible 🤩

[@user-im4pt6br4t]

A child needs a Mother and a Father. Why do we know that? We know that for a number of reasons but specifically because evolution created it that way. Here's the problem. Theology is mixed into many of these family studies muddled by assumptions and out date tropes. Not enough support is established for Father's because inevitably there are winners and losers in Family Court. There are frequent references to theological characters making demands on a Mother to give up their child to prove maternity. Many officials called that wisdom. Today we use DNA science. Today you force people together. If they want out there is no parenting schedule just demands for resources. I would argue that "in the best interest of the child" is not the standard. It perhaps never was as attorneys judges and ad litem make names for themselves not based in science but based on theology while our children lose 100% of the time.

[@renatakrystian3886]

❤❤❤

[@orlaithbrennan9972]

❤

[@rebeccaanglesey7576]

I love your work but I hate it when you throw out the F-bomb

[@thinkitmakeit4]

I loved it ! Wasn’t expecting it and honestly made me like her a little more for it.

[@singsongbluebird9704]

"I love your work but I hate it when you throw out the F-bomb"/ Thank you, I agree.

[@elizabethfindlay5752]

😂 "F-bomb"

[@celiastevens4058]

Hahaha

[@mikaylam.5957]

It’s just a word…if words offend you then you clearly need to listen to more of these people and work on yourself.

[@wackyl5692]

STOP CURSING PLZ IM IN THE CAR WITH MY KIDS 😢

[@lulzhh5177]

Oppositional defiant disorder is a purely western concept 😂 😅

[@SAndo42]

Saying mother has to go back just because of economic concerns is so wrong. Women are more than being a mom and it is absolutely draining to stay with a baby at home regardless how much you love them. It helps the mother a lot to have a break during the work day. Regarding sleep training, my child never sleeps when I am by her side. She wants me by her side but just wants to play all night and never sleeps when i go to her. So, not going to her helps both of us sleep. I hate it so much and it is the hardest thing I ever did in my life, but she needs to sleep to grow and develop. So, going to your child at night whenever they want is not the automatic right thing to do for every child.

[@sunnyday4055]

100 percent My son wakes up at night sometimes and calls out when i go to him he refuses to go back to sleep i ignore him he goes back to sleep in 5 minutes Obviously if my son screams then thats not normal but calling out has to be ignored. Tbh i’m at home for maternity leave and my son goes to daycare he loves it. He gets bored at home and I’m a nicer more present mother for it. Last time he stayed at home for a while i had a mental breakdown and a fight with my husband for no reason . Not good.

[@leahzuzuleah6109]

🥹🥲🤍

[@sunnyday4055]

Dr Gaber blames parents for everything he even claimed ADHD isn’t real and a result of children trying to escape reality Which isn’t true at all ADHD is genetic and children with ADHD have some of the most patient and calm parents.

[@RR-kz4hq]

Algorithm

[@ardy6099]

My ex has ODD and he is a MASSIVE pain in the ass!!!!

[@lindseystokes5426]

Swearing in the first min, that is sad and unprofessional, and does not align with my morals. I turned it off right away because of that.

[@thisistotallyarealname]

There’s a lot of parenting media out there that fits your morals, Lindsey, no one is forcing you to be the morality police. 👍

[@Paz888Love]

I think you missed out because you judged it as unprofessional. I saw it as lively and genuine expression. It was worth it. And I’m in a field where professionals sometimes swear and so do patients. They are intense words yes, but they are still words. I aim to look at the feelings behind the words to be able to offer empathy - to notice what the person feels and what they want. Judgment blocks understanding and personal evolution. Wishing you the best.

[@sunnyday4055]

Swearing was off putting tbh unprofessional and unnecessary.

[@vivisu492]

Unprofessional, swearing at the beginning. How can she be a Doctor? Change the channel right a way.