When You're Triggered by Mess

Raise your hand if scattered legos and piles of dirty clothes drive you up a wall. Well, you’re in the right place… and you’re not alone. Messiness is so triggering for so many of us. In today’s episode, Dr. Becky hears from three parents about what mess brings up for them. She walks through practical strategies to pause, understand, and reframe your relationships to mess. From calming mantras to a super-simple hack for getting your kids to help clean up, you’ll learn how to better manage mayhem both inside and outside. Remember: Your house is a mess. You are not a mess. You’re a good parent with a house full of life.
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[@christrox06]

Even as I struggle...I remain good inside! Thank you for your great advice...I struggle with that too and sometimes I've felt like I'm the only one struggling 😢...I feel hopeful and ill continue to improve as a mother!

[@sierraarmstrong4111]

Omg this is what I've been struggling with fir YEARS! IM 25 I have 3 kids (6,4 & 2) my house is always messy and it drives me nuts bc I spend 98% of the day cleaning and picking up. I shampoo my living room carpet once a week, it triggers me when stuff is all over the floor, the counters etc. I don't mind toys so much I mind the plates, wrappers, strawberries my 2 year old threw on the floor after he took 1 bite out of each of them, the random dumb crop that just seems to always be everywhere for no reason. The cloths! The ketchup hand print on my hall way wall, tooth paste smeared 8n the sink from my 4 year old daughter brushing her baby dolls "non existent" teeth. And it takes away from being able to spend stress free enjoyable time with my kids bc my house has to he clean before I do anything "leave the house, sit down, go to bed, get a shower etc" I clean and clean and clean and I get so tired of cleaning I end up just snapping and throwing half of my house away in the garbage bc if it's not there I won't have to pick it up anymore. My kids don't have a lot of toys all 3 of their toys fit into 1 small plastic bin with a lid and then they have like toy sets organized on the TV stand shelf in bins, etc. When I was younger my mom would scream and literally induce panic 30 minutes her bf would be home from work to get the house SPOTLESS bc if he came home and it was even a little messy he would cuss us out, call us names, get beat, told we don't do anything were lazy worthless etc "this is all before I was 10 years old" we would spend ALL DAY cleaning some days and he would still come home and say and do the same thing. As an adult I feel that panic I did when I was a kid and I clean and clean and clean but the words that pop in my head or come out of my mouth are the things he would say "this place is disgusting, this house is dirty, no one does anything, everyone's lazy no one cleans up after their selves" and a big one I hate that pops in my head alot about my kids is "they just ruin everything" when they draw on my kitchen table, wall, or my 4 year old squeezes all the soaps out in the tub for "bubbles", or mixes brown sugar and tooth paste for whatever reason, or if I go to the basement to switch laundry I come up and they have all the eggs cracked on the floor mixed with ketchup, milk and cut up bananas like wth we don't have money just to throw food in the trash, there's a huge mess and those are the times I just snap. Goes from PISSED throwing everything in sight in the trash to crying on the kitchen floor bc I HATE feeling like that and dealing with the shit these kids do its like they literally strive to drive me insane until I have a mental breakdown and I don't get it like why can't call just play with your toys like normal kids! Why on earth did my daughter think it was a good idea to paint the inside of my car with pink fingernail polish WHYYYYYY. and I feel bad bc they always ask me to play with them and my brain will not allow me to sit down when my house needs cleaned and all I can think is well if you guys didn't do the shit you do and cleaned up after yourselves I would be able to sit down and play. But no I have a million things to do and clean and I cannot just chill until it's done and even when I get it cleaned and I sit down and play I catch myself still trying to clean while playing like I can't relax and just BE PRESENT and in the moment with them and it's so frustrating. I'm getting evaluated for ADHD in a few days so hopefully that will Give me some answers and be able to start taking steps to deal with my own crap bc it feels awful and I feel so much guilt and frustration towards myself bc I know they don't understand, they aren't intentionally trying to make my life a living hell and I really realized that when my 4 year 8ld daughter started crying saying she just wanted to make the car beautiful and decorated for me. I try to Cope "by Cope I really mean ignore my emotions, distract myself, shove my emotions down etc" bc I haven't found a coping strategy that helps in the moment there is no split second between event, emotion and reaction as soon as the emotion comes the reaction follows right with it and "just breath" doesn't do anything but make me start crying and then it turns to anger bc of the crying from frustration. I was diagnosed at 12 with depression and bipolar disorder type 2 bc of my emotional issues but the more I've talked to my addiction counselor and my Dr the more I've realized I may have been misdiagnosed, multiple therapists and Dr's have asked if I have been diagnosed with ADHD or OCD bc of my history of compulsive behaviors "now its just cleaning" but it's affecting my life and my relationships.

[@BlueLuna5]

Not sure what to say, but I have the same issues. I was diagnosed with adhd as well, so it is probably related. It's a sensory thing, but it's also statistically proven to be a natural part of us. So our bodies actually see the things on the ground as a threat too. So it makes us anxious. Things that help me... I keep high shelves in every room. I put things I don't want my kids getting into or that they can't clean up. (For example toy food, when done goes on the closet shelf bc the pieces are too much for my 3 year old. Legos ends up on my closet shelf if they are always on the floor. They can ask for them to play with... they rarely or never do. All crafts (paint) are in a shelf in my office, playdough. My 6 year old has a checklist of chores to do. It's from temu and he checks it off. He has to complete it before screens. He has adhd too so he does half in morning and half in afternoon. If that all fails headphones and music. 😂 I feel like I'm still cleaning 98% of the day too. I try to just leave the house too when I can't take it. It's only a season.

[@AnRodz]

You are invaluable. Thanks.

[@Nico5890]

Love this. Thank you.

[@chelseybrown14]

Awesome so helpful!!!