Grimoire of Controversies Part 2 | A Review of Handbook for Mortals by Lani Sarem

[@paninihead4662]

the more books he reads, the mightier his throne becomes. truly, the king of books.

[@jackthomson1275]

Long may he reign

[@shosty575]

Long may he reign

[@prometeya3700]

Long may he reign

[@xronium]

Long may he reign

[@johngleeman8347]

His throne but also his prison! >:3

[@Arkhavist_S]

An adult woman, in her adult book, for adult readers, wrote the phrase "H-E-double-hockey-sticks."

[@theteethburglar4716]

God forbid they dare say the fuck word

[@lunatick9792]

What's so bad about "Hejj"?🤔

[@skyblade7438]

It's Home for Infinite Losers all over again.

[@monicadepaul6223]

The protagonist in the books I'm writing is 16 and says fuck.

[@AlanGChenery]

One of the great ironies of YA fiction (even if this isn't technically); at 14 I, and everyone I knew, swore a damn sight more often than I do now as a 30 year old. Lol. And in the Internet age while most teens are clueless about how to behave in a relationship and generally even if sexually active are in the clueless fumbling stage, they still have probably seen some of the most disgusting sexual acts in existence thanks to shock websites. Lol.

[@lokimemes4694]

God, “Handbook For Mortals” is such a good title... just for a different book. When I hear that title, I imagine a story about an immortal who’s been around for a long time and resents it (which is a common trope common), and for whatever reason they’re writing this (in universe) memoir/guide/whatever about all the things they’ve seen throughout humanity, and what they think the rest of the population, the mortals, should do or know or focus on or something. Things like keeping your loved ones close, or pushing through in the face of adversity, that sort of thing. All of the tips/notes/observations/whatever could frame the actual plot which is... something. Or maybe they’re all attached to memories/anecdotes that this immortal has lived through, and this story tells us about the immortal main character through that. I dunno. Something to think about.

[@CozieGhosty]

That sounds like a book I'd actually want to read.

[@lokimemes4694]

Dominique McKinney Same. It’s probably not one I’d wanna write, since I don’t care enough about philosophy to do the research required to make the book’s hot takes Actually Good or Actually Interesting, but I’d love to read this type of thing

[@Jwilhoftstg]

Also the chapter titles are a good idea, executed poorly.

[@lokimemes4694]

James Wilhoft That would be another interesting thing! If the chapters named after specific tarot cards actually symbolically represented what happens in the chapters! Like if the first and last chapters were both The Fool, and the first is the start of a journey while the last is the end. GOD there’s so much WASTED POTENTIAL

[@daniellemhall1358]

@@Jwilhoftstg if that's not a summary for this whole book I dunno what is.

[@bunhime9903]

Mary Sue and Gary Stu fight: All three of Onion's protags vs. Empress Theresea vs. Zade GO

[@muffin_the_metalhead3488]

the forbidden ScrewAttack death battle

[@kellineblake3467]

Are we talking in terms of "whose OP powers would win in a fight", or in terms of who wins at being The Worst? Former would come down between Daniel and Theresea (I'd give Daniel the edge with his actual god powers), latter is a close contest between all, except MAYBE the protag in the first Onion book--he seems like he has a CHANCE at growing up into a mature person that looks at his high school days and cringes.

[@SonofKalas22]

@@kellineblake3467 Daniel wins both

[@lovaszaron3138]

They all die in a nuclear explosion. The ashes are fighting on, but nobody notices.

[@bunhime9903]

@@ami_was_here Greg if he had any powers and even one person actually liked him lol

[@curleyqreviews9793]

"Stop flirting. Your daughter is dying." is what I would say if I cared.

[@k.morningstar7983]

oh wait stop don't *best Willy Wonka impression i can manage while completely apathetic*

[@Namorat]

"Because everything spelled with a k is that much better" - Yes, KrimsonRouge, yes indeed.

[@em84c]

I didn't know Krimson was a Kardashian fan 😆

[@QJ89]

No-one has stated the obvious yet: Starts with M, ends with Kombat.

[@universalperson]

@@QJ89 Don't forget the fake end "Kredits" from Donkey Kong Country for SNES. Classic sequence.

[@keithringer7799]

Omg how has Krim not replied to this yet! Thats a good one man!

[@KrimsonRogue]

D:

[@shangc2781]

Book: *Builds tension* Me: He's her dad. Book: *Builds tension* Me: He's her dad. Book: *Builds tension* Me: He's her dad. Book: *Builds tension* Me: He's her dad. Krimson: He's her dad. Me: YoU dOn'T sAy?!

[@oddeyes9413]

*OH WHAT A CONCEPT!!!!* 🤯🙄😑 was my reaction.

[@alexjewett7455]

Book after trying and failing to build suspense: he was her father all along. *wah wah wah wah* Reader: no shit, Sherlock.

[@seleuf]

The saddest thing is "Handbook for Mortals" would've been a great title for a Terry Pratchet-style comedy.

[@KrimsonRogue]

Yeah, I can totally see that. Too bad it's also a psychological guidebook for people with certain mental disorders. www.goodreads.com/book/show/10581152-handbook-for-mortals

[@seleuf]

@@KrimsonRogue Oh my

[@Maphteah]

Or a Beetlejuice kinda thing.

[@Ellisepha]

I agree. That sounds likeit could be auch a cool fantasy story... instead of a boring romance one.

[@crestothegecko6279]

@@Ellisephayess. When i heard the title i immediately imagined a personality like the genie from aladdin simply going through and describing life as an immortal being of unparalleled magic. It just seems so fitting for the title i have no idea how it was slapped onto this story..

[@nb8817]

This book gives me “40 year old woman babbles about what she wishes her 20’s were like because she never got to leave her small home town in Missouri for the big city like she truly wanted to in her heart” vibes.

[@Vampgurl202]

I wanna be insulted as a former Missourian... but I can't

[@thelexicon7294]

Very much so. The sad thing is: if handled properly, a middle-aged woman desperately grasping for her lost youth by cheating her way into the fame she dreamed about in college" could be a fantastic story in the right hands.

[@kendra_t]

@@Vampgurl202 as a current Missourian, same

[@animaster2307]

I live in Missouri myself. I can confirm that it's pretty boring here.

[@georgeweaver9665]

Nah… If you honestly ask me, much more like: “Blatant-wish-fulfillment-of-your-textbook-Karen-esque-mid-or-late-40-something-who-essentially-NEVER-emotionally-matured-from-her-high-school-days-and-has-inevitably-extremely-little-to-frankly-no-knowledge-or-experience-with-literally-anything-outside-of-her-very-unflatteringly-sheltered-and-equally-superficial-life.”

[@mauri-mattiaslaanesaar5305]

Happiness is KrimsonRogue verbally tearing apart an awful book

[@iamthesenate5769]

How the hell does this have 1k likes, a heart, and no comment at all aside from mine?

[@animaster2307]

@@iamthesenate5769 The world may never know.

[@mauri-mattiaslaanesaar5305]

@@iamthesenate5769 I literally didn't even know it got so many likes, I came back because of course I rewatch these and imagine my surprise when I saw my own comment lol

[@thefruitsong]

You know... Realizing this was originally a screenplay makes sense with the long character introductions. They're notes for auditions, most likely, crammed in.

[@morganrobinson8042]

Of course, if the author had a competent editor, at all, this could have been a better book. Comparatively.

[@r_eh290]

Plus scant location descriptions; detailed descriptions aren't conventionally accepted in screenwriting

[@sydneyparker7150]

Also explains the dated celebrity references. Easy cameos to get

[@ThevralLee]

She... made out with... a younger version of her dad??

[@kcorphan308]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who was squicked by that.

[@giovanac4820]

*Thank you,* I've been bothered by that since the first time I watched this video

[@alexjewett7455]

Now that you say it out loud... Ewwww!!! What the fuck sarem?!!

[@BlueberryDragon13]

Sigmund Freud joins the chat

[@ninavale.]

Yes....she did. The chemical showers are over there...

[@siriuslyconfused1]

I have to say, I can’t imagine interacting with my father in ANY way that someone could misconstrue as romantic, and my father and I are exceptionally close. That isn’t usually an easy mistake to make, so either Zade and Charlie have a SUPER creepy relationship or Mac jumps to conclusions with VERY little, or most likely, Sarem is a super shitty writer.

[@SorowFame]

It's probably all three, as a result of the third.

[@ayajade6683]

Only IRL examples are of people who never grew up with that parent who accidentally date or intentionally try getting married, which is usually because our brain doesn't have that this is kin this is gross filter that develops from birth to 5-6 ish not actual name my brain just can't think of the term. But probably the shitty writing tbh

[@Captainn4t]

Unless I misheard it, the boy who came from the tree in her big performance looked like her dad as a teenager, and then he kissed her, so like.....all options? Probably all.

[@siriuslyconfused1]

NatJust I almost definitely missed that part 0.o.

[@Captainn4t]

@@siriuslyconfused1 I checked and yup, I heard it right, Step 8 "the boy looks like a teenage version of Charles" and Step 15 "Zade faints and the boy kisses her" With that in mind it made the rest of the book extremely creepy to hear described, especially on the author/zade's extreme interest in Charles' relationship and how he must have gotten all the girls when he was younger. Big Yikes.

[@jadaousley3891]

Zade: my mother is an amazing storyteller Me: then why didn't she write this book

[@NububuChan]

You actually made me laugh out loud 😆

[@SorowFame]

You know, you'd think that someone named after Sheharazade, a story-teller, would be better at telling stories.

[@kenyaboi]

Bwahahahaha!! BRUH!!!

[@DaysieRose]

My favorite part is how she's being an amazing storyteller while her daughter is dying in the back room 😂 Talk slower, Mom

[@knshinn2]

Hey! She'd make you think that you were watching a blockbuster movie, of the kind made by Steven Speilberg!

[@ugh1428]

that isn't ancient text, thats really shittily google translated (serbo-)croatian. im appauled and i wanna cry.

[@danielatandara7802]

Yeah wow, was not expecting to see that there

[@TinariwenMS]

Oh, come on! Im Croatian and I laughed my ass off! Krimson butchered it.

[@ugh1428]

@@TinariwenMS Krimson rly did do a number on the pronounciation, ngl. i never thought cro would be used as an "ancient text". i know it's a pretty obscure language as far as the whole world goes, but the author could have asked for at least some assistance.

[@TinariwenMS]

@@ugh1428 Actually, this is in Serbian. But the languages are really similar. Still funny as hell, I had to listen through that part again just now. 😂

[@ugh1428]

@@TinariwenMS you're right, i got too tripped up on the "sa ovim bodežom, _prožet_ od magije _starih_" to notice "vaskrsne" and not "uskrsne". this whole section just hurts :')

[@madwomansinsight]

Don’t forget, Carrot Top is in this book

[@hseile7314]

@CommanderMynas and acording to legend, he was promised a part in the movie. Which is totally being made, by the way

[@miwrendi1457]

God how could I forget the random name drops that sarem has

[@callmekirbzz6648]

Dont forget Newton Wayne either!

[@badger6728]

Whenever somebody mentions Carrot Top, I think of Norm MacDonald roasting his movie Chairman of the Board on Conan. “Is that ‘board’ spelled B-O-R-E-D?”

[@Kel791]

I read Carrot Top as Chop Top, now that is a book I would actually like to read lol

[@mar6488]

Excuse me, did you mean "My Immortal", the BEST fanfiction ever written? Stop flaming, prep.

[@minajones8341]

If you ever need a good laugh, alizee (another youtuber) did some narration videos. They’re hysterical xD

[@mar6488]

@@minajones8341 I love Internet Historian's 3-part visual... uhh... masterpiece 😄

[@minajones8341]

Mar Thanks! I’ll have to check it out!

[@ryokiritani4187]

@@mar6488 fr, those are genuinely some of the funniest videos i've seen

[@minajones8341]

Mar just watched it!! On the second part. I can’t stop cracking up 😂

[@carpengizmat5978]

Krim: "There's a little ritual to revive Zade" Me: "Oh god, don't say they turned the thermostat up again..."

[@gracekelley2907]

I looked her up and she looks exactly like Zade on the cover, hair and everything. It’s... creepy. She’s trying to make her own self insert fanfic movie.

[@gracekelley2907]

AudriAnna O'Connor whoops. DX Probably should have rewatched part 1 before I posted that.

[@peterwindhorst5775]

That was the plan. Wait till the Hollywood focus groups come in and say - "I am sorry, you are not playing Zade, but you can play her mom or something", "the focus group has also decided to make Zade gay, so we are rewriting characters to reflect this," etc. I kill to be a fly on the wall to see her face when she is told that.

[@saakshihegde4610]

Ya think!? 😂

[@alexjewett7455]

That explains why she thought she could play the main character... Because she literally *is* the main character.

[@addicted2mako]

It’s like she’s playing with her dolls and expecting people to pay money to watch

[@shakedcohen6682]

when he read bad books written by bad writers they all sound the same, because good books read different from each other.

[@whywasimadetofeelnothingbu1991]

Schiggy 2319 it feels randomly generated from a soup of onision books and bad porno scripts

[@hungjury7482]

It's a bad formula with a bad filling

[@hungjury7482]

@Schiggy 2319 it feels like Temple OS if you know what that is

[@veikko4752]

@Schiggy 2319 It feels like a bot has written it.

[@vanroyal244]

@@whywasimadetofeelnothingbu1991 I should try that, and see where it goes.

[@katevgrady]

"..and Zade steps out. ...sigh... STEP FOURTEEN" you fucking got me with that one my dude

[@kwallacetube681]

I think she meant a foot- popping kiss, like in The Princess Diaries, but got it confused with knees buckling.

[@TheDanishGuyReviews]

Knee popping? Is she 84?

[@pierrottt5726]

Imagine if she wrote "foot buckling" instead.

[@traestoflux]

The Grimoire of Controversies... "Claw of rat, wing of bee, Boil on the pot and you will see. From the salamander, fingers three, And cancelled on twitter you shall be."

[@crowdemon_archives]

lmfao nice

[@iamthesenate5769]

Big brain poet

[@s0LLagal]

Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble

[@zombieedrea]

It's so weird that she basically wrote Jackson Rathbone, a real person she worked with, into this book. I can only assume she had a crush on him. Does he know about this? This is more cringey than Anna Todd publishing a Harry Styles fanfic where he's an abusive asshole.

[@safala]

I wouldn't say more but definitely on the same level.

[@justin2308]

I honestly can’t believe I’m just now finding this comment, and I gotta say this: If I’d found it around when you first wrote it, I would’ve thought you were joking about Anna Todd. I am sad to say you were not.

[@royalhydra9790]

@@justin2308 They made a movie about that book. What is wrong with people

[@celldh0825]

@@royalhydra9790 They figured out middle aged womans like Harry Styles, I guess

[@REDACTEDbox]

The worst part is, Jackson actively hated Lani in real life (and most likely still does)

[@bunnymoonvii]

Her knees popping? I think she means her FOOT popping, as in popping it up in the air. Also THE PRINCESS DAIRIES ALREADY DID THAT BIT AND DID IT BETTER!

[@morganrobinson8042]

That's apparently a reflex a small portion of the population has. It's a personal quirk of the kissee, not a reflection of the kisser, as such.

[@vanroyal244]

@Corvidae Ngl that's what I thought was happening.

[@goldenCrows]

Thought the knee popping was to relate to the 30+ year olds 😄😄

[@validark]

My knees pop a lot but thats cause i have knee problems

[@miinya8592]

MAC DESERVES BETTER! LET HIM DATE HIS BUDDY! SOPHIA DESERVES BETTER!!! She was a performer and one of the big ones before Zade marry sued herself into the situation!

[@coralreeves4276]

A fellow Sofia stan!!! Omg hi!!! And I couldn't agree more!!!

[@moonyistired]

his friend is married tho. i say he should date jackson.

[@miinya8592]

@@coralreeves4276 i am so tired of the whole female antagonisation in these books. it's always "oh every other girl is sooo shallow and all they care about is clooothes and they are such bitcheeees" And then the selfinsert main character proceeds to be MEGA SHALLOW, care about clothes and being A FUCKING BITCH TO EVERYONE. PROJECTION IS A DRUG SWEETY GET HELP And also??? Sophia mightve been a play toy by spellman but i dont fault the younger ones in the relationship because ITS THE OLDER ONE BEING PREDATORY DATING A FAR YOUNGER GIRL AND Sophia was an established member of the crew and is being replaced by this new girl and we later find out ITS BECAUSE OF NEPOTISM I'd be pisses off too???? Sophia was written to be an easy bitch target so zade comes off as the better person when she couldve been a very interesting versatile character, manipulated by an older man, and eventually kicked off her position by a fucking newbie who came out of nowhere and wormed herself into this small community, and NOBODY BATS AN EYE We stand with sophia

[@miinya8592]

@@moonyistired wait he is? lol dont remember all i know is he seems to be a great buddy to Mac and keeps him grounded, tho the enemies to lovers trope between jackson and mac couldve been awesome, if they eventually came to the conclusion that zade can go fuck herself bc SHE PLAYED THEM BOTH. I know crimson always says "they weren't officially dating" but i also think it was shit of her to have Mac hanging. Idk how much mac and jackson new of each other that Zade was with both of them but Mac had all reason to be super anxious bc of his past trauma and ZADE KNEW THAT AND NEVER CLARIFIED THINGS while he probably didnt want to seem pushy and just shut up being in the believe that thsy had something going. Communication is key.

[@coralreeves4276]

@@miinya8592 Lol so EFFING right! That trope is so juvenile it hurts! And GOSH I still remember that conversation Zade had with Sofia in the dressing room in around... chapter12 I think? Sofie made a valid point! She didn't hate Lani- I mean Zade 😏- she just wanted people to pay their dues and Zade ACTUALLY DARED say she HAD paid her dues. How? Where? WHEN???? I almost threw my Kindle out the window istg 😤

[@rockabillywonder420]

the book throne expands and so does my love for krimsonrogue

[@janneswilmink487]

In some months he will sit in front of a wall of books.

[@LuizOtavioZen]

I'm convinced that he wants to make an iron throne from the books out of books

[@KrimsonRogue]

Oh no, they're on to me! D:

[@xronium]

KrimsonRogue we will find you. and we will feed the throne.

[@LuizOtavioZen]

@@KrimsonRogue yes declare yourself lord of the seven genres let them all see the paper cut scars in your arms and know the true ruler.

[@boomstickmick5652]

Remember, men: Make that spine snap or she won't call you back.

[@99veruca]

Missed opportunities: - Mack mispronounces the spell during the ritual and Zade turns into an eldritch monster, multiple eyes, tentacles, toxic drool, the work. But Zade can't understand not being the prettiest of the pretties so the rest of story stays the same. So you get to imagine the stupid dialogues and cheesy ending but eldritch Zade. You're welcome. Or: - We discover that all the useless yet too present secondary characters (shop girl, the show magician, Sofia, etc) are in fact members of a secret organisation trying to gather proof of Zade-magical-girl-the-best-ever-heart-emoji careless use of magic to get her thrown in magical jail. Or or: - The ritual works but the cost of saving Zade is that she looses her magical appeal to men. Which sounds stupid but could make for some good character development. Bonus idea: the second is the love story between Lamborghini girl and (possibly tetraplegic) bicycle dude.

[@wiktoriamysior9223]

The ancient text is actually in croatian and most of it is not nonsene. In fact in english it reads as, "with this dagger, permeated with the magic of the ancients, and my faith, may love reverse the curse I resurrect the spirit, soul and body Via Gardrich Verdicy" the last three words mean absolutely jack shit.

[@davidwilson6577]

No, no, the sequel would have dealt with the historical mage Gardrich Verdicy who sacrificed himself so that love interests could resurrect main characters.

[@wiktoriamysior9223]

@@davidwilson6577 ah, I see.

[@ninavale.]

The Gardich Verdicy is a name. There was someone thanked in the acknolegments section...lemme go to Blandbook for Chortles and find it. Ah! Here it is To Dimitrije Curcic for more things I can’t even count and for also loving me when wasn’t very lovable. To Gordan Vuchovich and Nada and Alex Curcic for always treating me like family.

[@davidwilson6577]

@@ninavale. Close enough that that's probably it.

[@wiktoriamysior9223]

@@ninavale. Makes sense, though that doesn't explain the usage of the word via before the possible reference to Gordan Vuchovich.

[@jarthkebil]

After Step 13: "Holy crap, what the heck was any of that?!" Step 14 "Wait... *we're not done yet?!"* After Step 19 "That was no magic trick: that was an interpretive improv version of MadLibs! What the heck was any of this?!?!"

[@caitlynnhatch9254]

Just stop at the glass figurine. Have it catch fire and then lightning strike. Then as it shatters Zade is standing there. Like "wow she disappeared, became glass, and is back again!" Like thats a cool trick.

[@AlexisHiemis]

Not to mention she used "Chaos magic" just for random stuff that doesn't seem to have to do anything with chaos. Lighting is not chaos, growing a tree is not chaos, rain is not chaos, those are all very structured processes, complicated maybe, but from the standpoint of science, not chaotic in the least. She could have flown through the air on a storm she made, which would have been complex and explained why she needed chaos magic because winds are so hard to predict and are easier to bend with chaos magic, but no, it's this useless peekaboo trick where she vanishes over and over again and random stuff happens.

[@HE13272326]

Imagine being an audience member there. Waiting 8 hours for the damn trick to finish... "AND NOW, STEP 859!"

[@safala]

@@caitlynnhatch9254 That's how I was imagining the scene to go. But apparently I'd be a better writer than Lani and that's saying something.

[@thedarklrd6714]

@@AlexisHiemis funny because the trick itself was sort of chaotic because of all the random shit, but not even in an interesting way

[@EmberTheShark]

"you heartless bint" man that insult is way underused these days, good to hear it again

[@multilad816]

What's a bint?

[@springshowers4754]

@@multilad816 it's some sort of Arabic insult for girls.

[@jasminv8653]

@@multilad816 bint's been used in the uk for a long time, got similar vibes to tart etc. comes from arabic where it isn't a derogatory word (bint = daughter, ibn = son).

[@kasairan8492]

springshowers not an insult, its the literal word for “girl” in arabic. It’s only used as an insult by brits

[@EmberTheShark]

@@jasminv8653 considering the social Standing of women in islamic countrys it could very Well be an insult there too

[@Ichigoberry15]

I would say Zade has the IQ of a brick but that's insulting bricks.

[@kidinthekelp5570]

Contrary to Zade, bricks also have actually useful features!

[@lunabearsong2043]

I know one very amazing Brick in particular. He's absolutely delightful!

[@anandirose8367]

A thought I had about the BIG SHOW is they could had her mom come and we get her pov. Have her realize the chaos magic is at work and noticing her anchor was gone. The building panic as crowd cheers would have been interesting

[@KrimsonRogue]

That could have really worked. Barely would have required any additional setup too.

[@alexjewett7455]

Maybe, but unfortunately, that would require the author to have actual skill.

[@saltoftheegg]

“That’s why murder mysteries are so great, that’s why cop shows.... keep getting made.”

[@asalways1504]

Note the deep descriptions of every male in the book along with Zaid herself, and there are barely any descriptions of the other women, besides being jealous or vain. Not to mention the infamous lemonade scene where Zade bullied a teenager.

[@shadowofthemoon3104]

It's like the polar opposite of those vaguely homoerotic descriptions of characters from classical literature. Less interesting to analyze and significantly more annoying.

[@wojciechkowalski8061]

WRITING FOR THE KRIMSON ROGUE! BOOKS FOR THE BOOK THRONE!!! In all seriousness, books like that (and Onision's "writing", and many, many others) have at least some positive quality: they made me lose any insecurities concerning my own writing. I know that existence of poor books doesn't excuse shoddy craftsmanship and giving up on self-improvement, but still: things like THAT get published. I could legitimately name hundreds of better fanfics.

[@Tamaki742]

Others' failures become lessons for the rest.

[@miscielrossvillegas6307]

Actually the published books of horrible authors spark what bottom of the barrel confidence I have in pursuing to publish my work. (...oh but lets be real they have more $$ than i'll ever have. i have super niche interests and the target audience is just me 💦💦💦)

[@davidwilson6577]

@@miscielrossvillegas6307 I was going to say 'you never know, people's interests tend to line up in weird ways and this is the age of the internet' but those emojis are giving me vibes.

[@BooksandBuns]

@@davidwilson6577 oh, you'd be *surprised* what would sell. I remember some erotica-on-demand writer getting a commission for a novella that was basically gay tentacle hentai, or something weird like that, as a full on book. People will pay for literally *anything,* especially if it's smut, & there is a lot of money to be made from them

[@isdrakon9802]

@@BooksandBuns gay tentacle porn. Is this some vanilla thing I'm to far gone to understand

[@cassandraburns9073]

okay, this book is altogether awful, but are you telling me that Zade actively gets kissed by the teenage version of HER FATHER in this illusion that THEY PLANNED TOGETHER????

[@safala]

Yup.

[@alexjewett7455]

Isn't she also in her early to mid 20s or something?

[@chansesturm7103]

No wonder Mac misconstrued their relationship as romantic.

[@InternSeraph]

I'm still losing my mind over the fact that Sarem seems to believe that the word "mortal" is equivalent to "not magic." No. It's not. "Mortal" means "able to die," hence its antonym, "immortal," or "unable to die." A better word would be something along the lines of "mundane," but of course, "Handbook for Mundanes" sounds far less snappy, no? (Sidenote: the perspective of an immortal person who's had to watch centuries go by and everything around them wither and die only to be replaced is actually a really cool narrative. Too bad Sarem can't open a dictionary. Or write.)

[@andrewollmann304]

Yeah.....it’s this really weird thing in fiction. It’s also common in movies and TV shows. In the 1960s movies “Jack, the Giant Slayer” and “the Magic Sword,” both villainous wizards refer to humans as “mortals.” Same with the late-90s TV show, “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.”

[@lyminusshafiq6067]

@@andrewollmann304 Sorry for replying after 1 month. Most probably those wizard call humans mortal is because human call them immortal. I can only say from the Chinese novel side. If a human lives for 60 years in average and they lives 200 years, human will view them as immortal, and they like the sound of immortal and take it to heart. Well, in those chinese novel, it just the difference of point of view.

[@DaysieRose]

THANK YOU. Fuck, it's bothering me so much. Why didn't anyone tell her??

[@DaysieRose]

Come to think of it, the Sabrina the Teenage Witch is definitely the culprit. Fits perfectly with the "Van down by the river" cringe, dated-ass joke she tried to write. She's definitely at least 40 😂😂

[@InternSeraph]

@@lyminusshafiq6067 sorry for replying after uh 4 months but you raise a good point! under that context it makes perfect sense, and honestly is an aspect of worldbuilding/storytelling that i think is super neat :0 unfortunately, sarem is writing under the context of this being a magic human with a normal lifespan and not a wizard who can live for like 200+ years (which is a crying shame, give me my 200+ y/o wizards)

[@pastaperspective3345]

The book throne grows as the quality of the reviewed book plummets

[@themysteriousmista4922]

Wait, so this book is somehow worse than Empress Theresa?

[@Kub1na32]

If the throne existed in the Onision era, it would be Taj Mahal now.

[@themysteriousmista4922]

@@Kub1na32 T'was Empress Theresa's blight that summoned forth the power of the paper throne... Yet I wondered what would have happened had it been invoked sooner.

[@augustdenger8231]

Now that your book throne is almost complete, when will the construction of your book court hall and keep begin?

[@austinwalden2395]

The book throne is never complete!

[@ViewingChaos]

I’d love a castle made of books- every room would be a library...

[@justincarawan-carawanco.pu1639]

@@ViewingChaos How would you be able to tell the reading material from the structural support? It'd be like the bunk beds in that one episode of RWBY Chibi!

[@ViewingChaos]

Justin Carawan Ill figure it out....

[@SorowFame]

Justin Carawan there is no distinction, you just wander through the halls and if you see an interesting book you just grab it from the walls.

[@zobozo5059]

"And they live happily ever after...OR DO THEY??" I'm crying. Why the hell did she think that'd be a good way to end the book?

[@vivk2932]

It sounds like how a kid would end a fanfic imo

[@zobozo5059]

@@vivk2932 that's what i was thinking, like how i wrote in kindergarten lmao

[@crowthewicked8344]

It's so abrupt, I'm imagining an explosion just randomly appearing at the end

[@beefcakesmchunkerson9079]

This was supposed to be BOOK ONE OF FIVE

[@mikeockhurts904]

@@beefcakesmchunkerson9079 we should be glad the other 4 werent made, crimson would've had a mental breakdown.

[@wendynerd1199]

Thanks to how KR does dialogue, I am now picturing Zade as Empress Theresa. What? They both have an obsession with their hair.

[@victoriashevlin8587]

And 'Not like those other girls '...🙄

[@allisonfarrell7968]

Zade is another HAL carrier. It’s canon now.

[@bananasinfrench]

can we say all the abysmal books take place in the same universe? All three gregs, Teresa, and Zade

[@steveweighner]

@@bananasinfrench The world should be a fucking post-apocalyptic wasteland by now.

[@nabbitabbott6161]

@@allisonfarrell7968 damn... at this point, might as well make HAL like a stand and everyone has one. then they can all fight to the death with super mary/gary sue powers.

[@knitwittyann2311]

I got a quote to open this book: "If you promise not to expect anything, I promise not to disappoint you." - Lani Sarem

[@lunabearsong2043]

Went in expecting nothing, and was still disappointed.

[@safala]

That's a lie and you know it

[@OtioseFanatic]

I can’t help but notice that the author’s appearance in Trailer Park Shark is exactly how she describes how her self insert character looks in this book (so dull that I cannot even remember her name and I’m too bored of this book to search around the video again to hear it) but older. So my headcannon is that Trailer Park Shark takes place in the same universe as Handbook for Mortals and that’s just what happens to her after the end of the book.

[@Sakisasvictorianmask]

Krimson, for the love of god and everything that's holy, you NEED to make a collab with Caleb Joseph one day. Your approach to books may be a little different, but you're both reviewing them in such a refreshing, yet sophisticated and funny way, I need to see this happen one day. Please, with cherries on top. Edit: I actually realized you namedrop him at the end - well, you have no excuses now.

[@mannequia8294]

YES

[@sophsoap7160]

That’d be great!

[@KrimsonRogue]

That probably would be fun to do.

[@multilad816]

How about a collab with James Tullos and Sarah Z

[@pikapower_kirby]

@@multilad816 Strange Aeons? Jenny Nicholson? There's a lot of great collab possibilities!

[@stephanieanderson1650]

As a 25 year old all I think about are boys too... they just happened to be dogs

[@TheDanishGuyReviews]

I love me a good boy! Excellent way to spend your time!

[@Sylphella]

Yes, nothing better than the goodest of good boys. --So didn't reply to show the profile pic of my dog Frosty when he was a puppy, lol nope--

[@adriannethornheart8516]

Mateta14 Frosty’s adorable!

[@KrimsonRogue]

Tiny floofs are adorable!

[@Sylphella]

Thank you for the kind words. Frosty is a big floof now, but he still has his baby face. twitter.com/sylphella/status/1273859795376889857 I need to post more pics of him ;w;

[@Elvoalven]

Me: Alright, it’s 2AM, better go to sleep *Handsome nerd Jesus uploads* Me: Sleep is for the weak

[@TheLuckySpades]

It's the weekend now, sleep is for the week

[@Elvoalven]

TheLuckySpades Nice

[@fenderr]

Handsome nerd Jesus 😂😂😂

[@brundlefly88]

I’m just really excited about your screen name and display pic

[@dearroseprincess289]

So the whole reason that Zade got a guaranteed job at the theatre with the audition as nothing but a formality was nepotism? Uh-huh, got it.

[@safala]

Makes sense, doesn't it?

[@DonVigaDeFierro]

Pretty accurate, if you ask me.

[@Absenteeee]

25:30 WHAT?? That would be such an incredible plot point! Imagine Zade and Rene accidentally discovering each other's magic and bonding over it! Talking about how hard it is to keep secret and sharing techniques! They could become each other's confidantes, able to trust each other more than anyone else and connect on a deeper level! OR they could become rivals, Rene could also be attracted to one of the love interests/get a bunch of attention because magic! How does this only get a single throwaway line?!?!

[@hc7210]

I’m not going to admit to how long I thought his shirt said ‘The Rock was better’

[@noamdsi123]

I thought it was just me! 😂

[@autumnelemental97]

I somehow read it as "The Room was better".

[@FatPodMan]

*10 years time, the throne has become the entire room and all you can hear is a muffled review of an off brand version of a KZbinr's book.* also 44:00 was a bigger red-herring than the entire book...

[@corruptangel6793]

Nah, he'll get a bigger room by then and the throne will become the Iron Throne (from the books) in books 😄

[@FatPodMan]

@@corruptangel6793 makes a book kingdom

[@angelsartandgaming]

Krimson: Onifion mrde a nrw buuf. YT audience: We can't hear you, you're buried in books!

[@elliefia]

etrian odyssey pfp!

[@JibberJabberYouTube]

And now the Handbook for Mortals review is finally over . . . OR IS IT?

[@writwriter5083]

How is your comment 4 days old? This video only has been out for a couple minutes

[@TheHeroOfTomorrow]

@@writwriter5083 Early access on Patreon, one would presume.

[@mauri-mattiaslaanesaar5305]

@@writwriter5083 probably some patreon thing

[@catalina7224a]

Are you a time traveler or something

[@KrimsonRogue]

Time travel loop that got snagged inside a quantum vortex.

[@jaynedavis4712]

I once solved the murder in an episode of “Rizole & Isles” from the scene before the credits started. I had who he was, how he was connected to Rizole, who killed him, why they killed him & how they killed him. Mum was shocked & said “you should be a detective”. I replied with “No I shouldn’t. I don’t know anything about murder, I’ve just watched a lot of TV”. That feels like the thinking behind this author “I represent creative people so I’m a creative expert person too!”

[@ThePopcornFairy]

You know, this only occurred to me just now, but the last quarter of the book - the part when Zade is in a coma - would've been a bit more interesting if the story had established some sort of astral projection ability. Like Krimson said, the fact that Zade "pulled memories" later down the line gives away that she survives the ordeal. If Zade could project her astral body outside her physical body, that could allow her to continue narrating in real-time and maintain some amount of suspense. There would still be a looming possibility of her dying. Maybe her astral form is invisible to everyone else and can't directly interact with them. Sure, this would mean giving this bitch yet another superpower, but imagine the possibilities this would've opened without killing the tension!

[@dreamwanderer5791]

So you're telling me that Zade's trick goes as far as to bring a new person nobody's seen before from the ether or the past or whatever.... and nobody in the show itself questions who it is? Let alone props like the wardrobe. Wouldn't someone like Mac question where Zade actually keeps the infinite wardrobes and statues of herself? Like the magic excuse works for the audience, but the people in the show have to set all this stuff up beforehand. Wouldn't they think it's weird that the longest trick involving the most intricate props having none of said props literally anywhere and requiring no setup whatsoever? Depending on how often the show is done Zade should have a massive closet just filled with wardrobes, statues, and even fully grown trees. The "yada yada it's real magic" shtick doesn't work when the people who are supposed to be the behind the scenes have absolutely no idea what's going on. Like... even if Spellman is her dad, is he just gonna tell everybody to not worry about the most expensive trick in magic history? Let alone who the random teenager who shows up is? And that's not even going into what'll happen if anybody looks into safety measures or company salary when they're down a person 99.99% of the time. Shock and awe is all well and good but given the world building (or lack thereof) this is supposed to be just like the real world from the perspective of all the behind the scenes folk and workers. And all the things pulled (quite literally) out of Zade's ethereal ass raise questions to the Nth degree that can't be solved by Spellman just saying "Don't worry about it she's cool you guys." If all the men weren't rendered incompetent by her presence and all the women degraded to window dressing by the author then she'd immediately get kicked out, have the show shut down, or expose magic is real.

[@ninavale.]

especially as she was working on this illusion with Charles ALONE the crew at some point was on a camping trip. So it really is super confusing to them and the tech people why and how there is lightning and lights on cue and all that shit when they're not really doing anything themselves. also, this raises a question why did she need Mac to anchor her if she was spending months with Charlie on doing this shit...unless ofc those months were just them discussing the whole thing and planning it...it would explain them going to Copperfield's show and dinner. Still, it's so dumb. All of it.

[@SorowFame]

Might've been better if Zade had acted as a solo act, not really tied to the theatre or it's crew. That way she could get away with never explaining her tricks to the crew. Then again I don't know if that'd be feasible in reality.

[@themutagen]

Rough translation of Mac's incantation when reviving Zade: "With this dagger, permeated with the magic of the elders and my faith, let love turn this curse around (and resurrect the spirit, soul and body Via Gardich Verdicy.)" This seems like a mix between Serbian and another slavic sounding language. The text in parentheses is an estimate, because it doesn't look gramatically correct. The Via Gardich Verdicy is totally lost on me...

[@coralreeves4276]

Wow! And I thought it was all like Klaatu barada nikto from Army of Darkness where its just a bunch of nonsense! Thanks!

[@everestneverlynn84]

Not sure if Slavic is based on Latin, but if it is, then "via" usually means through or because. So... there's another little piece of the puzzle?

[@pv1612]

Actually that thing from army of darkness is supposed to be a reference to something I think “The Day the Earth Stood Still”

[@farkasmactavish]

The red herring even has a plot hole all to itself: If Charles is her father, then why does she refer to him BY NAME? Not "dad"? Plus, Zade mentions that mages aren't allowed to mix. But Spellman isn't a mage. So...it's already been done. Unless mages are born randomly and not genetically, in which case, what's the harm in mixing?

[@ZeoHidra]

In regards to the that second part: Zade mentions how her mom was almost cast out of the immortals community when she mixed with Spellman. Krimson skipped over it but it was in Pooky's video.

[@chrisheartman9263]

It's why her mother and her were exiled.

[@savvvysavvv1934]

I mean I call my biological dad by his first name, but that's because moved in with him when I was like 14 and never interacted with him before that. So it's not uncommon to call a parent by their first name depending on their relationship 🤷

[@farkasmactavish]

@@savvvysavvv1934 So then why wasn't it in the narrative before? Why hide it from the READER?

[@savvvysavvv1934]

@@farkasmactavish idk I didn't write it 🤷

[@LeviCerise]

28:28 ah yes, my favorite way to "teach a lesson" to someone that was rude, attempted homicide

[@MrHawkelement]

Imagine living in a world where THAT was sensible logic...What would happen to jaywalkers? Mandatory human-centipede participation?

[@FaithTheFallen]

Right as a Brit the term "pop" is more like when something dislocates rather than her knee bending as I think it being described, so I'm just here screaming until that was clarified...

[@sashasparroww]

nah it's the same in the states

[@CazuhLynn]

I'm German and heard it exactly as a knee dislocating... I could feel the pain

[@leileyaravencroft]

I’m not a Brit and that’s what I thought! I cringed cause I thought “You broke your leg over a KISS!?”

[@oatmeal3013]

@@sashasparroww not necessarily. it more like means when you stretch after staying still for a long time and you can hear your bones

[@avencree]

When books like Twilight, 50 Shades, and After all got movie deals and this poorly written self-insert fanfiction didn't, you can come to the safe conclusion that Hollywood does indeed have a threshold for poorly written self-insert fanfiction.

[@gregjayonnaise8314]

At least those books had good grammar. This woman couldn’t even use the Google Doc spellcheck

[@justin2308]

It’s not a very good threshold, but it exists.

[@hollabacknowall]

I read tarot cards pretty frequently, and ironically using the major arcana for each chapter name could have been a fantastic tool for figuring out what each chapters tension or plot would be. She was so close, yet so far.

[@salemf3238]

In all honesty the title "handbook for mortals" sounds like a book i'd enjoy writing. You take the perspective of a young adult who temporarily moves to an old house in the middle of nowhere for the low costs and to focus on his art and other hobbies before his first year of college. Considering the isolation his breaks from practice consist of exploring the woods and the house. In the attic and guarded in a large chest is a book detailing a mortal girls experience being raised by a witch and learning how to see the magic hidden in plain site and all she encountered. The young man soon finds that he can't look away from its pages and finds cracks in what he thought was reality. I'm sure there's a story that can be written off this lol

[@sharonspears-mandeville2369]

Hmm,good idea/point there,though,

[@reginarainer9740]

I would read this book/watch this movie.

[@andrewb6194]

The theme of reality is giving me Lovecraft vibes... I like it!

[@user-yj5bj8ke6c]

Please humour us and write this. It sounds like a delightful idea.

[@emilylike-the-soup2502]

I’d enjoy reading that if you ever write some of it - drop a link!

[@theartistformallyknownas2677]

i literally thought of a better magic trick to build up then the 3 page long one that they did, and it would be a trick that would require magic to work. They do a levitating trick, but instead they levitate the audience. Not only is that a huge feat and would absolutely amaze everyone there, but its also a trick that can't be done any other way.

[@oliviamcnally7030]

I had that same thought! And that’s either the opening part or the ending piece!

[@alexjewett7455]

And once the audience was in the air, them could make them do a bunch of complex aerial maneuvers before setting them back down.

[@AshleyWilliams-xq7lj]

Half of the audience goes invisible. The other half is impressed at first. After several minutes of waiting, the audience was annoyed. Several more minutes pass, and the audience is panicked. The spell had gone horribly wrong and no one knew where the people were. The mages drop the act and do various magic spells (while arguing and panicking themselves) to troubleshoot the problem. Eventually, the missing people were returned and everyone thought it was part of the show. Now the show is a hit and people expect them to do that again every other night for the next month. The magicians are horrified, the end lol.

[@TheReclaimer1321]

“Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope. Love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticule, and together, achieving a singular purpose against statistically long odds.” This was spoken mind you by an unfeeling assassin droid. Better definition of love than a published author’s.

[@johannesseyfried7933]

Good old HK-47.😆😏

[@delphin2628]

Ohh thats why her knees popped 😶

[@SorowFame]

It’s a surprisingly good definition from HK. Little warped because it’s HK but it’s a decent enough metaphor.

[@kuroganexy4342]

I knew there was gonna be a jojoke at the beginning of the “The World“ chapter xD

[@KrimsonRogue]

With all the anime jokes from Part 1, I had to get a Jojo reference in there somewhere. XD

[@gokuxsephiroth4505]

I mean, he'd almost get in trouble for *not* doing that at this point

[@andrewb6194]

You did your legal duty! I’m proud of you!

[@eldavid8774]

EVEN SPEEDWAGON IS AFRAID OF THIS BOOK

[@Flapjack14789]

The spell at the end is in serbian. But veeeery bad serbian, google translate kind.. And it doesn't even make sense.. I've never heard of serbian being used for any kind of magic casting, really weird if you ask me..

[@edwin5145]

Well I mean... that's pretty cool, I guess?

[@shadowofthemoon3104]

Maybe it's an attempt to seem unique and quirky.

[@crowthewicked8344]

@@shadowofthemoon3104 That's the whole thought process behind this book, 'an attempt'.

[@Tareltonlives]

"Latin is too mainstream" I think the magic system is just weird.

[@vanroyal244]

That is so lazy! She could've had at least a little fun and make up her own words, or even sprinkle a bit of latin. But instead she just goes to google translate!

[@skyblade7438]

The only other time I've ever seen Show And Tell this common is The Room. I've never seen it in a book before. Fascinating.

[@SorowFame]

Personally I found Show and Tell most common in primary school but maybe you've had different experiences.

[@dr.anderson1847]

Do not compare that masterpiece to this trash

[@skyblade7438]

Sorrow Flame Those books aren't 400 pages long.

[@npcastronaut7045]

1:07:53 "I don't have time to sugarcoat this." Dela said firmly. "I'm going to give you a knife and you need to stab Zade." "There isn't really a way to sugarcoat this, but..." Dela took a breath to calm herself. "We need to sacrifice my daughter at midnight." Dela looked between Zade and Charles, looking uncertain of herself for the first time since Mac met her. "We... I'm going to give you a knife--not a knife, it's magic--but I'll give it to you--" "You need to stab my daughter." Charles interrupted. Dela's expression hardened. "Charles, go get the red tome from the left shelf. You," she pointed at Mac. "Have a lot to learn in the next two hours if you want to save my daughter." How hard was that? All of Dela's wordiness just detracts from the scene's tension. Get to the point Sarem!

[@safala]

Haven't got there yet but this feels like we're low on time, which I suppose is what we are striving for given the 'in two hours' part.

[@8Spikey]

Some insight as someone who knows Lani (worked together 20 years ago): She's from a small town but lives in Vegas. She's into clean living and doesn't smoke or drink. She also knows Carrot Top personally and includes him in the book since she could have had him in the movie.

[@morganwaas4868]

It's such a small point but I truly cannot get over Mac's replacement guy being named Cam. Like that's just his name backwards.

[@obsidiancake85]

Does Sarem think that Croatian (or Bosnian, it's hard to tell) sounds like some vodo magic gibberish? I'm from Serbia and I can read what's written in that text in 1:11:45 yet such choice to implement this is quite odd when they can just say it in simple english

[@obsidiancake85]

@Black Orchid When writers use google translate to write bilingual characters...

[@andrewollmann304]

But foreign languages look cool, you see. Stuff like grammar and syntax doesn’t matter when the objective is to look cool.

[@perciusmandate]

How do you make a book about magic and witches where NOTHING happens? That's the biggest sin of this self-insert drivel. Not that it's bad, but that it's BORING! The big climax is trying to get the protagonist to quit taking a nap!

[@caoilfhionndunbar]

@@Pendrake can I get I link? its a good premise

[@morganwaas4868]

@@Pendrake Also similar to one of the main characters in The Night Circus

[@obi-wan-pierogi]

The depressing thing is this could’ve become a hit, just because a book sells a ton of copies doesn’t mean it’s good. The New York Times bestseller list isn’t always a measure for literary quality.

[@Arachnes_Corner]

I wanted to leave a comment in agreement but I'm too busy giggling over your username

[@primrosett]

Honestly? I doubt it. As bad as things like Twilight or 50 Shades were, even they're not THIS incompetently written. Sarem's prose is... so shockingly poor and tedious I have a hard time believing even the least picky of readers would have taken to it.

[@elizabethyoung5304]

@@primrosett Oh, this garbage would be on my DNF pile so quick. I don't have the time or patience to read shit books. Twight for all it's clunky writing was better than this

[@supercomputer276]

A group of online friends and I riffed this book around when it came out on Google Docs, and I have a whole thing of other notes. * I've done research on tarot, and can confirm that most of the tarot allusions via the chapter titles don't match up with their contents. The only one that really does is the Tower for the _massive_ chapter that starts the third act. And yes, they are out of order; the Hermit is number 9. * One of us did theater in college iirc, and confirmed that most of the stage stuff done in the book is just wrong. Among many _many_ other things, the grid is _not_ the best place to watch the show, because the _grid_ is in the way. * Another one of us used the fact that Charles and Mac are names in the book to make a lot of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" jokes. * Our favorite character was Lamborghini Girl (though due to the sequence of jokes, we called her "Liquid No"). The fact she's sequel bait helped, because the author couldn't then ruin the awesomeness of her attacking Zade and getting away with it. I'm especially fond of her because her Lamborghini was my favorite color. * We concluded the time period of this book is half-past negative 15 o'clock, because by the time iPhones came out, the Plain White Ts already had a label and at least two albums. It took ten minutes of Google to figure this out. * We did _not_ catch on to the relationship between Mac and Zade paralleling his previous relationship as it looked more and more like she was dating Charles. Though we did catch that the Creation trick included Zade kissing a teenage version of her father. Also, I was surprised you didn't mention in their last conversation before said trick, Zade namedrops Mac's last relationship in, in this new context, the absolute _worst_ way. We were split about whether or not the trick going wrong was Mac's fault, with me on the side of it wasn't, and this just makes it more obvious it's not. Witches in this universe are just utterly incapable of clear communication. * You want to see the author ramble on, you should see the acknowledgements section at the end. We used the default paper size in a 10-point font, and it took up at least _five_ pages before we even added riffs. With some names being _repeated_. Despite being the only part the author said she edited.

[@whatteamwildcats4033]

I'm so mad because not only did she wreck my favorite trope in life (the defrosting ice king/queen - seriously that is the entire point of hating to befriending characters like Mac and Sofia) but like this isn't a terrible concept for a book I'd read about some naive southern Belle witch girl going to the big city Las Vegas in search of her true father, while performing in a magic show to disguise the fact that she actually has magic while some bigger event is hinted in the background Like I write those types of stories for my 'pilot' books I love them,

[@JeanetHenning]

As a scriptwriter, I can vouch that even as a script this would be badly written because you're not allowed to be that demand or direct on how you want the actors to portray the character or so specific about what they look like, those are generally directions that need to be left up to the director/producer.

[@ForcedHandleName]

Wait, did I miss something? Zade said something about not "mixing" with mortals, but has Spellman (her father) been labeled as a Magi? Isn't that breaking the 'code' Zade thinks super important? Edit 2: Spellman ISN'T a Magi, so mommy dearest "mixed". That could've been a more interesting idea to follow as to why Zade's powers are wildly inconsistent. Edit 1: an illusion that takes more than 5 steps should be illegal, and it had nothing to do with "creation" Edit 3: Ugh, that ENDING...!!

[@allisonf3508]

Wait, isn’t Spellman her boss not her father? I thought he’s the world most insincere creepy stage magician. Is Zaad working for her dad? I’m so confused 😧

[@RenaDeles]

@@allisonf3508 they set up the biggest red herring, making Mac *think* Spellman is trying to date Zade, like a *lot* of ppl assume that, for surprise he's her dad and the reader multiple chapters back

[@allisonf3508]

RenaDeles I do not know how to feel about that. ...yes I do. I hate it. Also that makes how much she sees his dating and flirting so much worse. And here we were thinking he was gonna have a creepy bad touch moment with her. Eww.

[@coralreeves4276]

I actually wanna believe that Spellman was just a mortal and Zeb's the real magician, tbh. This book was so efffing confusing.

[@allisonf3508]

Coral Reeves that would explain why he has had a relationship with Spellman since he was like 10 years old. Their working history is super weird

[@Caldella]

31:32 - she totally ripped off Princess Diaries with the knee popping thing! The teenage main character had a romantic dream that her first good kiss, she would do that thing in old movies where the woman's foot pulls up off the ground. It was used as symbolism there in the two kissing scenes she had. The first one, the guy was being too forward and using her for attention. Her foot was tangled up in a net during the kiss, and she was uncomfortable and couldn't move. Just another thing this author has stolen and then reused while completely missing the point.

[@ayajade6683]

You do know that trope has existed pre princess diaries right. It goes back even to 1940's movies and later

[@Caldella]

@@ayajade6683 The whole point of the Princess Diaries thing was that the MC had seen it as a trope in old movies, so obviously yes. I can't envision this author referencing it merely because old movies did it. I can envision her taking he idea because a more modern movie pointed it out in a less clumsy way than she can manage.

[@ayajade6683]

@@Caldella I was more nitpicking she ripped this off from the princess diaries point as your wording made it sound like that was the start of the trope

[@JV-Decker-RetireDisAcctSoon]

15:47 - 17:07 Zade: "A girl's gotta eat". Me: _Oh sure, that makes sense. That doesn't sound like something a hooker would say to justify why they sleep around. Way to make Mac not feel like he was led on and betrayed yet again._

[@jbmattos8039]

Why the hell did Sarem choose "Handbook for Mortals" as the title for her book that very clearly is not intended as a *handbook for mortals*? What a waste of a nice name. And of a nice idea, too.

[@microsoftpainenthusiast8096]

Maybe she stole it like the artwork. Or maybe just because 🤔

[@elainagilbert7663]

49:09 The words I uttered every day as a stage manager in high school and college. By the way, I have to credit play/screenwriting for helping with writing my book because it taught me how to set a scene and describe characters and the importance of meaningful dialogue. I highly recommend anyone trying to write a book to write in different mediums because it will really help in the long run.

[@djordjearsic9620]

The unreadable text is partially understandable in southern Slavic languages. It can be translated to: "With this dagger, imbued with ancient magic, and my faith, may the love remove the curse and arise spirit, soul and body" Via Gardrich Verdicy. The "Ja" threw me off until I remembered that "i" in southern Slavic languages means "and" in English, while "Ja" means "I" in English, and Google translate is not always reliable, as when I wrote some school papers for German, it first translated my text to English and then to German, which looses some context.

[@thepanpiper7715]

She's supposed to come from a real small town, right? If you take that as her not having many friends, or having friends "by default" (there's no one else to hang around with), you could do something interesting with her character with regardless arrested development and not having a lot of experience with any kind of relationship outside the familial. How many times have you known someone who seemed stuck up, full of themselves or cold, only for you to get to know them better and find out that they're actually just very shy or [socially] awkward? I actually feel like her character could be very easily salvaged if the author played up her lack of self-awareness and, upon understanding the consequences, trying to make amends. We're already partway there; the whole situation with the "mean girl" already reads as Zade not fully understanding or appreciating how lucky her break was and upon realising it trying to help out someone else. And so much about the situation with the guy could be resolved (or rather make sense *and* provide dramatic tension) as her not having a great understanding of boundaries and lacking experience with friendships. That would make a relationship between them, romantic or platonic kind of interesting and something they both have to work at and have conflict with; she's trying to respect his boundaries without overcompensating and he's having to manage his expectations and reactions to certain things. Like, she might be jerking him around without realising that she's doing it, but it's still hurtful. But him just lashing out at her/telling not to do certain things isn't necessarily going to help her understand why it upset him.

[@derekk.2263]

This book has the same problem as Twilight, where there are magical people living in the modern day world who are so ridiculously powerful that it doesn't make sense why they would bother living in secrecy because no one would be able to threaten them if they were revealed.

[@plutoisalive__]

It's hilarious how much Zade acts like a fourteen year old girl despite the fact she's supposed to be in her twenties 👀

[@jasonschuchardt7624]

Especially given that she's the author insert of a 40 year old

[@leileyaravencroft]

Oh crap! I keep forgetting that!

[@safala]

She is?

[@RinLockhart]

The way Sarem writes is treating us like we just woke up from a coma and she's spoon-feeding us literally every detail or else we'd be completely lost.

[@TheHeroOfTomorrow]

"Chaos magic?" What is she, the Scarlet Witch?!

[@TheDanishGuyReviews]

I will never forgive Scarlet Witch for House of M. That ruined the character for me.

[@DrZuluGaming]

But Dr. Strange says there is no such things as Chaos Magic. /S Dear lord Avengers Disassembled bites hard.

[@totallynotanaccountonyoutube]

Chaos Magick is a more individually defined magick in wicca or witchcraft-- though it has to be properly understood what you do... but that's only that version--

[@gamegirl23100]

Ok, so I’ve noticed something while watching these reviews. Sarem’s book is written EXACTLY like a Wattpad book. To a T. The “show don’t tell” thing, over explaining things, fully writing out the lyrics of a song they’re singing, and terrible love triangles happen all the time in those books.

[@GleeChan]

Zade and Theresa need to pair up in the ultimate Mary-Sue crossover.

[@cobalt2257]

I ship it

[@Rabbit-uc5kg]

Don't forget Enoby Darkness D'mentia Raven Way. They can be the ultimate Mary Sue OT3.

[@TheKatti5000]

And Daniel from Reaper's Creek.

[@knshinn2]

Also, gotta love the way that Lani credits herself as 'Hotel Guest', 'Conventioneer' and (chortle!) 'Siren' on those three films where she was purely an EXTRA. Talk about delusions of grandeur...

[@LilianaStrife]

You put more work and effort in reviewing this book than there was initially writing the thing.

[@KrimsonRogue]

My last several videos in a nutshell, lol.

[@Reamstreams]

9:35 "Knock, knock." I spun around, startled. "Oh, it's you," I said seeing Jackson standing the doorway of my room. "Sorry," he was saying as he walked toward me. "I didn't mean to scare you. The door was open." THERE I FIXED IT. HOW DID I DO? 1:06:33 but you ARE Book Jesus 1:11:45 FROM GOOGLE TRANSLATE SO IT'S NOT COMPLETELY ACCURATE "With this dagger, imbued with the magic of the ancients, and my faith, may love reverse the curse I resurrect the spirit, soul and body Via Gardrich Verdic!"

[@thebookwormhotel5336]

10/10

[@Reamstreams]

@@thebookwormhotel5336 thanks, if you know any bad sentences or paragraphs hit me up sometime!

[@ruffethereal1904]

You did well.

[@antheathetiefling8581]

You're going to be tackling Midnight Sun next? You are one brave soul.

[@johnatandelacuso4174]

1:11:37 ah yes the ancient and mythical language also known as Serbian. They are the most wizardly folk after all. And just if anyone wants to know the quote translates to 'With this dagger, enchanted by the old magic and my faith, let love reverse this curse as I resurrect the spirit, soul, and the body".

[@notthemusewere]

I love "Grievous tone." His tone is causing great harm? It is a grievous injury to dialog? It is said in the tones of a deathly ill four-armed cyborg?

[@AnxietyAndPanic]

The only thing that makes me truly mad about this book is its title. It's a truly great title and a shame that she used it only for a throw away line at the very end. When I think of a title like Handbook For Mortals, i think of a book that starts out as a handbook, perhaps with notes in the margins that start to tell a story, one person giving tips to another. Until it turns into a diary of sorts, either for the person or as the author's only way to tell their story before they'll be killed for their Magik or some other offence. Not some 20 something stringing along several men and being lavished with praise she didn't really earn. There is literally No mention of any actual handbook.

[@vahilus]

"Run it on the fly",,, I'm sorry, aren't they supposed to be, I don't know, Proffessionals??? Like??? You leave personal grievances at the door and come in and do your goddamn job Proffessionals???? Like, you don't bring on someone new at the dress rehearsal, leave alone performance night??????!?!??????? Has. Has Seram or whatever her name is. Never been involved or researched theatre. The thing she is writing about. Everything else was so cringy it was funny but this was just,,, it enraged me. I may be an amateur but I know goddamn well this is the kind of shit people assume happens, that it's all willy nilly and how you like it, that it's not had work and dedication and a level of proffessionalism. What the fuck.

[@jessicamarshall1975]

Completely agree. The only thing I would add is that you don’t have to be involved in any sort of performance to know that bringing on someone new and unfamiliar with the performance on the opening night is a recipe for disaster. It’s common sense or well it should be.

[@soulthesassyassassin3616]

Noted, thank you

[@Tamaki742]

So during a rare day where I actually access my Facebook, I looked up what Lani Sarem was doing considering she's there promoting her book too. Apparently she was going around ren faires and seemed to be strongarming people to pose for photos with her book.

[@chrisheartman9263]

She's still promoting the book? The fuck.

[@FirstnameLastname-zq4rt]

I- why ren fairs? What does that have to do with her book? I guess there are a lot of fantasy nerds at ren fairs but her book is urban fantasy, not historical fantasy. It doesn’t make sense and it’s not even good marketing!

[@Tamaki742]

@@FirstnameLastname-zq4rt I don't even know, you can look it up, there are photos of her doing it.

[@Tamaki742]

@@chrisheartman9263 They actually had a... Uh... Special Covid19 sale for the book back on April. Look up the book's page.

[@nancyjay790]

@@Tamaki742 Ouch. Sounds like not going well in the writing career.

[@HurricaneDDragon]

The author of this book reminds me of a little girl whose daddy told her that she would be a movie star when she grew up and so the next day at school she excitedly told all of her classmates and teachers that she was gonna be a movie star.

[@AaronRotenberg]

What really stands out to me in this review is how _boring_ the book's prose is. The tiny vocabulary, the total lack of interesting imagery. Good writing uses specific nouns and strong verbs to present a clear picture. Purple prose uses overly flowery language to describe something that's not actually that interesting. This book does neither. There's just... nothing. Nothing but adverbs. Adverbs as far as the eye can see. Edit: 29:11 - I wonder if Sarem knows that tarot decks are also used for card games and not just for divination. Also, is it really that surprising that the _professional_ _magician_ would have a tarot deck on her? Edit 2: At 35:31, "bare" should be "bear". Yay, editing! 😒 Edit 3: 1:06:33 - Well, we already knew he is Book Jesus...