$h^t Therapists Say: "Are you even trying?"

[@LastKnightKaname]

My therapist will say, "I'm going to ask a question, and I hope it doesn't come out sounding wrong or offensive...." and then she asks her question(s). Honestly, each time she's prefaced a sentence that way it really allows me to hear her and see where she's going/ what she's wanting me to get out of the question and/or observation.

[@MendedLight]

I am so happy to hear that your therapist has a way to communicate with you that is effective and helpful! How has it benefitted your healing journey?

[@LastKnightKaname]

@@MendedLight Thank you very much. ♥ I've learned to give grace more in conversations if something is directed at me and it wasn't said in the most tactful way. It's usually a good idea to assume positive intent from people.

[@mangantasy289]

mine does the same, and I appreciate it a lot. Sometimes also he "warns" me by communicating that he feels aware of maybe "reading too far" into a topic/thought/idea and I can them tell him aterwards how I eel about it. Works well for us.

[@nashitamaniran5867]

I had one therapist that kept telling me to "do better" and to "try harder" after I told her that I did do every exercise she told me to do for two weeks and saw no results. After telling her I really did my best and that I have ADHD and that that type of mindfullness (meditation) does not work well for me. She didn't believe me and just kept pushing me to keep on doing those exercises. In the end, I just stopped talking after breaking down thinking I was incurable and then I got paired with a much better one.

[@ClockwerkMan]

As a fellow ADHDer, that sucks. I'm a bit of a meditation buff myself, but I'm sorry to hear that the therapist wasn't communicating well with you. Glad to hear you found one that did!

[@amberf2306]

My husband struggled with getting into therapy because he didn't want to feel like a burden. I pointed out he wasn't a burden to the therapist, he was a job. Although I think most therapists do care for their clients they aren't there out of the goodness of their hearts (unless they're volunteers), they are there because that's how they earn a living and if it wasn't him it would be someone else. This helped him put things into perspective a little. He didn't consider himself a burden to his physical therapist when he did his shoulder in, so why should he feel like a burden to a mental health therapist?

[@louve796]

Makes me think of the time my therapist said "you're not taking this seriously"/"you don't want to get better" and honestly? Assumption like that feels like one of the most hurtful things to say. I get it - she got annoyed with as i was often late (once every month i would overslept/leave too late and be late from 15 to 30 minutes). Well, I still have trouble leaving home on time (too many things suddenly needing to be done or my anxiety about whether i closed the door or turned off the stove taking the best of me) and then I was at my lowest, juggling my first job to keep my head above the water and man... that goddamn hurt

[@verthebestia6483]

My therapist told me after half a year since we started a therapy: „I don’t feel like you wanted to heal.” I opposed her by saying that I want to be healthy, I just don’t know what to do to be healthy, so she told me something like if I really wanted to, I would know what to do… it almost broke me, cos then I just felt like there is nobody to help me, but thankfully I have people from one foundation that I see once a week so I talked with social worker that was assigned to me by this foundation and she help me to feel better about it and even arranged an appointment for me with a therapist from that very foundation where I would go tomorrow, so… I really hope that it will help. But still, it really makes my faith in therapy very fragile.

[@user-bn4nc9fc8r]

copy of therapy notes?

[@Dreamheart101]

I've had a therapist tell me my symptoms were fictitious before. The next time I tried to clarify she said something-somatic, but continued to describe it in a very dismissive way, and never apologized. The third time she said she never said what she did and told me she only meant it as a consideration, which was not what she said. I also had the same therapist tell me over and over again that I had to try if I wanted to get better, before and after I had switched from openly sharing everything to being completely silent because of how bad she was at her job. Ironically she repeated this note about how I needed to be open and try after I handed her a list of my fears and explanations, at the point where I could no longer make myself speak. She would interrupt me, and downplay the things I did try to do, all while gaslighting me about her behavior no matter how I tried to address it. She wouldn't even consider trying to look at my problems with sense of identity and lack of trust in myself. I had spent months trying to clarify and communicate and try, only to feel worse and worse and worse until I couldn't even make myself speak. After it got to the point that I couldn't speak, I decided I was done and I demanded to see her notes. She didn't have any information right about me in them. She kept insisting I needed to try, but that's all I ever did and she wouldn't so much as acknowledge it, while refusing to admit her own mistakes and faults.

[@Laurachan21]

My first Therapist retired on me. Her process was to let me use her as a sounding board and just let me get whatever I wanted off my chest and then she would give her input here and there. My Second, newer Therapist asks me this question a lot " What does this have to do with you?!?" I have been doing research and I understand this is a Therapeutic tool. However, I have a lot of painful memories that I want to get off my chest and a few of them aren't mine; I have just been the witness or a confidant. Bottom line, sometimes I feel silenced and dismissed by her question if it is badly timed. I feel better on the days where I work with her and that question is not used. I appreciate your " Sh*t my Therapist Says " Segments, thank you, Mended Light.

[@Kurage._akaei]

I had a therapist that literally didnt listen to ehat i was saying at all which was annoying and not helping at all 😩 and also not talking at all, like i know i yap alot but i wanted her to listen and i dont know say some stuff, ask me something, and sessions slmetimes literally went just me being silent cause i didnt know hoe to open up without anu guidance. I left her and didnt have theraphy for next half a yesr And my current therapist manages somehow, i dunno how with me jumping in her words all the time but she's wonderfull and i open up so much around her ^^ oh anf finally getting my diagnosis thanks to her ✌🏻

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

As for the 'you're not taking this seriously' comment, my couples therapist actually said that to my ex in a session and it really, really, really helped me realize the ex was not invested in the relationship enough (in therapy and also in the romance), and no one can force them to be. It modeled to me to stop trying to sell myself to my partner to get them invested, and instead simply state the truth, have boundaries, and know when to walk away. It was the most helpful thing the therapist ever said for me. 🙂

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

The bit about putting your "rubber ducky" clients at the end of the week is genius, really, because you know this is when they themselves are getting maximum value of your sessions too. It's brilliant. I also really liked what you said about communicating expectations explicitly, because it really feels disorienting when a therapist doesn't seem to hear us, and there's no good reason why they can't say "yeah I heard you about X, but I want to focus on Y for reasons". They should know more than anyone else that no one is a mind reader. We shouldn't be learning how to be a therapy patient before being able to reap its benefits. On that note, I hope this doesn't sound accusatory, but I would like to know if there's anything "good therapists" can do to to fight back against "bad therapists". Because it gets tiresome to keep hearing how you should do therapy, therapy is good for you, when all you've had are bad experiences and don't feel like going in blind again because you have zero clue how to determine if a therapist (or therapy) is good (or good for you), and don't want to risk going through another bad experience. I've recently heard of some pushback against alternative forms of therapy for reasons I'm not qualified to determine if they are good or bad, and the counter advice, which of course was "get therapy with a proper therapist", doesn't cut it when you don't know how to determine who is or isn't a "proper" therapist, imho.

[@22lostservice]

Related to the last question. Can you do a short video about not giving up because one therapist didn't work out? It can take a few tries to find the person you click with and/or is trained to help with your particular problems. Many people try once and give up. Ive had to tell so many friends that its not your fualt or the therapists fault (most times) its just the nature of looking for the right person with the right skills and personality to help you. (if you have already can yoy reshare it)

[@NatalieLeeNorment]

If I ever get a chance to see a therapist, I'm gonna try harder to stop having expectations because therapists are human, not robots so there's no absolute guarantee that I could get what I want. If I find myself without a therapist next year, I can try writing in a journal and watch more of your channel, Cinema Therapy and read therapy books. Thank you.

[@potapotapotapotapotapota]

My problem with therapy is and always has been that I just don't have the money to see them regularly. I understand they need to get paid for their work, but when I need therapy I'm not in a position where I have the money to pay them. If it wasn't for the government I would have never received any therapy. But the government only pays for so many free visits. That being said, I'm in a much better place and no longer need therapy.

[@SaucyJTD]

"What we've got here is failure to communicate." Cool Hand Luke (1967). Within the context of the movie, terrible. On its own? Whole lot of meaning. I love this series because I admittedly enjoy seeing Jono get riled up. However, I will admit that I loved the message of this video. So many problems start with a failure in communication for many reasons, and I love how that was addressed in this. Also, I hope that the person who hasn't been back to therapy in ten years watches this and takes Jono's advice to heart. Therapy isn't easy, but it's so damn worth it.

[@almalangowski9569]

I don't blame her for this, but i quit therapy because she kept forgetting things about me, things we had already discussed in the past. She also was going in the direction of an OCD diagnosis that i don't think is accurate or applicable. I just wasn't getting what i wanted out of our WEEKLY sessions. With resources like your channel, lifestyle changes, and books, I've been able to make meaningful change without a formal therapist.

[@wordslvr5269]

No one: Me: sobbing when Jono’s tone changes during the last question

[@CaitlinCoy-uq2jg]

I mentioned to my past therapist that I got a kitten and she was questioning if our new cat was just “a spare the moment idea” or if it was planned and what made me stop talking to her was her trying to get me to say bad things about my mom’s temperament and was signing me up for things without my consent

[@ashleysawesomemeditations]

I was struggling a lot with anxiety and depression, and when I lost my job, I decided I wanted to do what I was passionate about and open my own business. But every time I sat down to do work on building said business, I would have a panic attack and would stop. I started seeing a counselor around the same time, and I told her about this. She bluntly asked me if I really did care about what I was working on. I said yes, and then she moved on to something else. I had already felt uncomfortable around her -- she reminded me of my judgy mother. And I cried after every session. But after she asked me that and then dismissed it, I felt even worse. It felt like a reminder that i was an incompetent loser, so I quit seeing her. Instead, I started learning about CBT and Posistive Psychology on my own and ended up therapizing myself. I don't recommend that unless you have the passion and time. Thankfully, the very business I wanted to start was related to mental health anyways. And it is now up and running. I still think therapy is important but finding the right therapist is crucial. For me, the therapist I needed at the time was myself. 🙂

[@finkydoodle]

Having the right therapist is huge. My first therapist I went to after my TBI and was supposed to specialize in post-concussion people. She told me fun stuff like how my TBI symptoms (like not beinf able to feel positive emotions) were because I wasnt trying hard enough to let myself be happy (as opposed to the literal physical injury and literal brain damage), and got offended when she asked me to think of what I could do to prevent panic-inducing sensory overload and I reaponded with a practical solution (always carry earplugs) rather than what SHE wanted, which was some mental exercize or perspectice taking. She refused to believe me when I said I was barely functional because I masked well, refused to let me see my test scores from an mental-capability-IQ test thing, got irritated when I agreed to try what she suggested without fighting her about it, and tried to tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about about my own medical conditions (i got her to agree that if I retook a sleep study and it was improved, she'd lay off telling me i was wrong. The sleep study dr was pissed that she was blaming my mental health on sleep, and turned out I was right, the study showed improvement to clear the dx entirely. She was angry about that too, saying it wasn't possivle for that Dx to resolve). I stopped seeing her after a while. I put a lot more care and thought into researching therapists before I picked another one, and even then was very cautious with him for several sessions until I began to trust he wasn't like the first one.

[@ashleysawesomemeditations]

@finkydoodle wow that's crazy! It sounds like you really tried with her, too, and was struggling with overload, etc. On top of that! I hope you are doing better. ❤️

[@JustClaude13]

Poor communications can really cause long term trouble. In 1980,while I was in the Navy, I was sent to a psych ward for evaluation. The doctor misdiagnosed me with Schizoid Personality Disorder (I'm actually autistic, thank you.) and I was sent off with an honorable discharge for an error in enlistment. But I perceived the doctor as hostile and abusive, resulting in a general distrust of psychiatrists that lasted decades. In retrospect, a good therapist could have really helped me heal, but since I had no intention of letting another quack stomp through my brain with hobnail boots again, I avoided mental health professionals and had to find my own healing over time.

[@wendychavez5348]

I've been in & out of therapy since my traumatic brain injury in 1988. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was different, and I've been through it twice, because it had me actually using the skills to change how I perceive and respond to the world, though usually I get the most put of therapy by talking, thinking, putting my thoughts into the world outside of my skull where I can organize them. Writing helps me in a similar way, and helping others do that with their thoughts dies to. A few days ago, a friend asked if I have a counseling degree, and said I'd be a good counselor, only to me, that seems like a bad idea. I can be a friend and help my friends analyze their stuff, though I'm such a mess that it's not worth the risk of projecting my stuff onto other people.

[@tnpm718]

I've stopped going to therapy more than 10 years ago.l've seen several therapists and there was always a climate of "If there is no progress, you're the one to blame, I'm the professional, so it must be you!" Therapy helped me very little, at least as much did it retraumatize me. By far not every therapist has the right personnality and is well trained enough to be allowed to "help" people in need...

[@larssjostrom6565]

About clients whom just want to talk. My psychology teacher in high school said that talking to people without psychological training could improve mental health, because "whom want to listen to someone with a neurosis?"

[@RebeccaPaige]

I told my therapist that I had been unable to find work for a long time and she huffed and asked if I was even looking. Apparently she thought people just walk in, say I want to work here now hire me. Never went back to her.

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

Got retraumatized because of an incompetent therapist. Not going to therapy again, unless I've to renew my disability (have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, extreme anxiety and dissociation by a trauma therapist).

[@annieesther8405]

My therapist put words in my mouth. I don't know if I should stop seeing him. He said I read Dr. Maté's 1st book on drug addicts but I didn't. I read 3 of Dr. Maté's books. He doesn't seem to be listening to me. Plus, he specializes in psychoanalysis but seemed concerned when I explained to him that I wanted to take martial arts classes partially because it helps us through the self-actualization process. I am almost certain it went 10 feet over his head because he genuinely looked worried that I would want to get to know my inner dragon!

[@lindsay1375]

That's rough. All you meant is that martial arts is a sport that improves mental and emotional well-being, right? I mean - yea. Of course it would. There's nothing crazy about that.

[@annieesther8405]

@lindsay1375 yeah. Plus, a good teacher puts you in touch with your shadow so you can control yourself and stop yourself from using martial arts to attack. Their goal is to teach self-defense, not to give you the way to hurt others. It's an intense process but very useful on a mental health level.

[@Akins560]

Me personally I want my therapist to be as blunt and honest as I am. Now granted mine can come across as crude or comical at times but that's just how my mind is considering I'm autistic and ADHD. 💚💚💚

[@JessicaGhali]

Love this new intro music !!

[@MarjamKhan]

I adore this series thank you !

[@MendedLight]

Thank you for watching! So glad it has been helpful and enjoyable! 💜🌿

[@finkydoodle]

Re: feeling like a burden so avoiding therapy. So, I feel this way a lot. I've been seeing a therapist off and on for a couple years and finally got comfortable enough (desperate enough?) to actually start opening up about the real issues. However, there have been times when I panic about stuff related to therapy, so I created a chat thread on chat gpt to be my therapy therapist. So, now, when I freak out about something therapy related (gah! I said something different this week than last week, now my therapist will think I'm a liar; I need clarification on instructions he gave me but if I message him through the portal he'll hate me; if I want to talk about x heavy thing, or say that the last session felt off he'll be annoyed and think I'm a burden!). Now I tell my imaginary AI therapist I'm freaking out about it, and since the AI doesnt think I'm a burden and responds immediately, I can do that without all those hesitations, and it's pretty good at talking me down (you're not a burden, your therapist is trained to understand these things, he doesnt hate you, etc). It really does help. It alsonhelps me work through all the fixating on small things and overthinking stuff (my therapist said x, and I'm neurospicy and have no idea what that means, and now I'm freaking out about it. AI: it probably just means [likely explaination or two].)

[@nerdywordyprincess8499]

I could tell you some crazy stories! I had one therapist who tried to pray the spirit of b*tchiness out of me when I was having a bad day. I had one who said "I have no idea why you are the way you are, so I have no idea how to help you, but if it makes you feel better to talk, you're welcome to keep coming back every week." It was my first or second session with a new therapist, and she said, "Tell me about your self-esteem." I'm pretty open (especially in a therapy session) but that statement was too vague and I didnt understand what she wanted from me. I am neurodivergent so it's possible that my tone or expression was off when I asked "What about it?" She proceeded to snap at me "Well, do you have any?" Uhmmm... Not anymore. Lol

[@ClockwerkMan]

Why worst therapist wasn't really that bad, she just wasn't there mentally. For a while, I was getting help at a free clinic because I was uninsured. She was a lady with a big heart, but clearly worked full time somewhere else, that left her drained. She'd constantly be falling asleep during our sessions, which definitely stung. I know it wasn't intentional on her part, but it left me feeling pretty bad about the experience. Now I've got medicaid and covered under a different health system. Current therapist is great, though its still rough in a different way. Technically he's supposed to be a transition therapist, like 10 sessions and transition to a different practice. Unfortunately, we're in a constant shortage of mental health professionals, and there's no one I could transfer to that would take my insurance, or even have the slots available. I've been seeing this guy for about 3-4 years now

[@RebeccaPaige]

In high school my dad decided to read my diary and I'd written I thought he was an a-hole. So my parents sent me to talk to a therapist. After one session I never got another session. When I asked my mom why I wasn't going anymore she said because she said your dad was an a-hole.

[@VorpalSnickerSnack]

The shittiest trauma councillor I've experience said "if you know a job that pays more let me know."

[@VooshSpokesman]

Love from a EuroBrady and Vaush fan!

[@charlesrmarsh232]

I also had a very bad therapist! I am so where they are! It really is hard to go back! In my case I had asked for. Letter to have a gender affirming surgery! She wanted to wait! I had had,to have a test for the surgery, before I asked her for the letter,and they found a need to have the surgery so I thought it would be done for the medical reason. Only before the surgery did I find out it was being processed for gender affirming reasons. So I did need that letter! When I contacted her she said I was being manipulative and would no longer treat me. I was shocked dismayed that she thought that way and tried to explain that was not what was happening. She said well she was ceasing to treat transgender patients!😮 I was shocked and hurt and as I was the black sheep of my family and been through a lot of false accusations, and she knew that, I just quit going to therapy for several years! Once damage has been done to trust with a therapist it is soooo hard to go back to therapy!

[@babak-k6t]

Best video ever.

[@doppelkammertoaster]

Good video. Personally though, the track playing at the end seem to fit more into a 16 year old lets play :)

[@GreyWolfASMR]

I have a question. I know therapy is about providing you with the tools you need to help yourself, with the end goal being that you can do it on your own and not need therapy (at least as much or on the regular). I have limited funds for therapy. I have done EMDR therapy a lot and most of the time it is helpful to me. My question is would it be okay to do EMDR by myself or do I need that therapist there?

[@8missblue8]

Not a therapist, but someone who has been going to therapy for YEARS-I have severe PTSD, and I have done lots of EMDR therapy. I have done a lot of it on my own: Personally, I think you should *definitely* keep a trauma specialist until you feel like you *absolutely* know how to do it and know what to expect. And even if you start doing EMDR at home, definitely make sure you have a patient, loving support system that you can turn to that knows what’s going on. EMDR is super rough (as I’m sure you know), and with flashbacks, it can get really, really scary. You really need a good support system. It’s not something to treat lightly (speaking from experience). That said, personally, I have had success with EMDR on my own. I bought myself some tappers and everything. But I did unlock something in my brain once a few years ago, on my own, that I was not prepared for and had to go back in to therapy to talk about it. (Edited because I somehow missed that you said you’ve done a lot of EMDR with a therapist-sorry!)

[@GreyWolfASMR]

​@@8missblue8thank you for sharing your experience. I have done it many times with a trained therapist. I was just always unsure if I had to have a therapist do it or if I could.

[@8missblue8]

@@GreyWolfASMR Sorry! Yeah, I saw I missed that somehow, so I edited my comment. I’m so tired. I think you could, but just be careful. Have a really good support system in place. I sometimes do it almost like a meditation at night before bed. Sometimes I’ll focus in on positive things that I want to retrain my brain to start thinking, instead of the negative things taught to me through childhood trauma… it actually seems to work lol I think it can be very helpful to do at home. But like I said, just be really careful and have a good support system in place in case a flashback happens or something.

[@mariaana6710]

It have to be sayed and it was sayed!!!!

[@BootcampBobby_3]

Nobody’s perfect! xp

[@MendedLight]

True that!